The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - Bed Bugs - full transcript
Leigh's place has bedbugs so she moves in with the Henry's. Mike tires of her after a few days, but realizes she just wants to be close to the family. Ian plays a prank on Eve. She retaliates but soon regrets it when he believes everything.
Oh, hey, honey. You look sharp.
- Got your power heels on.
- Oh, these?
No, these are just regular men's
loafers you can buy in any store.
And I put three or four insoles
in so it's easier to do this.
- Ugh, get a room.
- Hey, these are all our rooms.
You get a room.
Seriously, why are you dressed up?
Oh, Harris called me in. He finally
set up a big interview for me.
Tonight, I get to ask
the tough questions.
- Who are you interviewing, Dad?
- Didn't ask. Probably should've.
Tough questions start now.
- You...
- Are you on shore leave, honey?
It was swim test day in gym,
and when I got back to my locker,
- this was all that was left in there.
- Sounds like some smooth criminal
picked a perfect day to bribe the
janitors to swipe your gym bag.
Sha-boof!
You've been pranked.
I had to ride the subway like this.
It sucked!
Although a nice old woman
did thank me for my service.
Next time, don't take
the last mozzarella stick.
I had to drink the sauce like an animal.
That's what this is about? Fine.
You want a prank war?
You got a prank war!
Loved you on the cracker jack box.
- Upstairs.
- How's the job search going, Ian?
- Still haven't got that rent check.
- I'm all over it.
While I'm waiting for
my company to monetize,
I'm searching for the perfect day job.
I posted my resume on Linkedin.
Let the feeding frenzy begin.
You gonna help me out with this?
I won't forget that, buddy.
Guys, bad news.
That writers' group I've
been trying to get into?
- They accepted me.
- You'll get past this?
No, I have to host
these guys once a month.
I can't have published
writers sitting on a couch
I found in a dumpster in college.
We fought off
raccoons for that thing.
Exactly. And while it may
be cute to have a raccoon
couch in your 20s, I'm
dipping my toe into my 30s...
- Your toe is 12 years long?
- I'm serious, Michael.
This group could be my big break.
And you know I hate to ask,
but couches are expensive.
So maybe you could
just loan me a little...
Oh, hey.
It's my literary agent.
Hey, Vernon.
Every time she comes up
here, she wants something.
And every time she comes up here,
I end up giving it to her.
I gotta break this cycle of dependency.
Mike, you know what happens
when you say "no" to Leigh.
The problem just becomes bigger.
Remember when you refused
to pay for her life coach?
- The one who ended up in rehab?
- Yes, she was so upset,
- you had to pay for her grief counselor.
- The one who killed himself?
Just please buy the couch, Mike.
Well, my agent is leaving me
to become a dental hygienist.
"He'd rather look at the inside of
people's mouths than my writing."
- That was a quote.
- Maybe you'll get a discount?
No, I already asked.
Now I need this couch more than ever.
How many people need to die, Mike?
- We'll get you the couch.
- You're the best!
I already have one on hold.
I'm gonna go get it right now.
Oh, hey, can I borrow your umbrella?
It looks like it's gonna rain.
- Yeah, that's why I need it.
- Michael, I just did my hair.
Take the umbrella.
- See, that was easy.
- And I'll just take Eve's umbrella.
1x08 - Bed Bugs
Mr. Henry, you're soaked. Can you
be in the rain with your condition?
Kay, I have Parkinson's.
I'm not a witch.
I'll get you my gym towel.
I barely perspired.
The doctors say I have
dangerously undersized sweat glands.
Well, then don't run, for Pete's sake.
- Hello?
- Good news... I got a vintage couch,
so I saved us some money.
Bad news...
In the cold light of day,
the upholstery pattern
looks like a bunch of sperms.
It sounds like paisley.
It sounds fine.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's totally fine.
But is it fine like how
drugstore jeans are fine?
Like, when the buttons
turn your belly green,
and the pockets are just drawn on?
Here's what I'm thinking...
we reupholster...
- for just a little more money...
- All right, enough.
Leigh, I love you, but you have to
start taking care of your own life.
You have to pick out
your own upholstery.
The bloodsucking has to stop now.
Hey, splash mountain.
- Ready for your big in-studio?
- Absolutely.
Oh, you better bring your "A" game
because you're going toe-to-toe
with Dr. Jeffrey...
Scratch-a-bottom.
A cat?
You want me to interview a cat?
Well, it can say, "Hello."
- That could be anything.
- Well, the internet decided it's "hello."
When I came out of retirement,
it was to interview people
like Desmond Tutu and Cory
Booker and Mayor Bloomberg.
It was, you know, humans.
So that's a "no" on interviewing
Lance Armstrong's bike?
No, I'm just kidding.
We could never get Livestrong 3000.
All right. Well, I'll
get you something good.
I promise.
Now go interview this cat.
See? Bone dry.
You should see me in a sauna.
Was that inappropriate?
So what do you want to talk about?
Nice try on the prank.
I found the saran wrap
you put on the toilet.
Poked a hole in it.
80% went right through.
- You didn't take it off?
- I work smart. Not hard.
I don't have time for this anyway.
I got a bite on my online resume.
I'm having dinner tomorrow night
with the C-E-Oh-no-he-didn't.
But, yes, he did.
We're really having dinner.
The saran wrap was a decoy prank.
The real prank is the CEO,
because there is no CEO.
I set the whole thing up.
I'm really proud of you, Ian.
You are on a rocket ride to the top.
- Your words.
- There's a force field on the toilet!
Mom!
I tell you, it felt so good
to stand up to Leigh today.
I can feel the power coursing...
through my body.
On the way home, I hailed a cab
using only the power of my mind.
Mike, you said "no" to
your sister over the phone.
And you're using the weights
I use in ballet class.
I'm also using your anklets.
Look out.
Okay, first off, I'm not mad at you.
- Well, that's good to know.
- But that couch
you wouldn't reupholster?
It's full of bed bugs.
- Leigh, that's horrible.
- Yeah, I fell asleep on that thing
for ten minutes...
woke up covered in bites.
I had to strip down,
take a searing hot shower,
and crouch-run naked
to the laundry room to get a towel.
Went right by Roland "the Super"
who didn't even look up,
- so he is obviously a gay.
- That would do it...
This is a disaster!
Everything I own is down there.
My spoons...
That's just one example.
I'm too frazzled to make a list.
Okay, all right,
let's get you covered up,
'cause I'm getting
a little up-towel action.
Mike, you know I hate to ask you,
- but hotels are expensive...
- No, no, no.
I'm not paying for a hotel.
You're an adult.
- You can solve this problem on your own.
- You're right.
I'm just gonna have to suck it up and...
- stay with you.
- It'd be cheaper than a hotel.
- She could take the couch.
- That's great, you know.
Wait, what time do
the kids get up again?
- Because I'm a pretty naked sleeper.
- I'll take the couch.
You're wearing pink ankle weights?
What kind of stuff are you guys into?
Priscilla, Priscilla, Priscilla...
Pack your bags.
It's time for your exit.
She called you fake!
Punch her in the implants.
- What is this, Downton Abbey?
- Bad Girls Club. For work.
I have to write my online recap.
Entertainment Weekly
called them "total garbage."
Well, at least you're on their radar.
I gotta turn this off before the
kids see their first nipple ring.
- What, did you give birth to that?
- It's just a little lotion.
I may have gotten all
the height in the family,
- but you got all the moisture.
- Yeah, I'm genetically blessed.
- So where are we on exterminator?
- I get it, moisty.
You want me out. Don't worry.
I'm on it.
- Mornin'.
- Morning.
- You have a cheese doodle in your hair.
- What?
- Doodle.
- Doodle.
So you're still glad
you said "no" to Leigh?
I wouldn't have had to say "no"
if I hadn't said "yes" to the couch.
Remind me again, whose idea was that?
Oh, I can't remember,
but she sounds cool.
Who cares if I had to
spend a night on the couch?
I mean, the important thing is
I said "no" to her, and she's learning.
- Is she?
- She will. Eventually.
Would you give up on
a student after one bad day?
All the time... by lunch on the
first day, five kids are dead to me.
See, this is why I'm
a better teacher than you.
- Oh, that went completely soft.
- Yeah, it was disgusting.
What's this?
Just my resume.
Double embossed on white
linen 80-pound card stock.
A lot of high school clubs on here.
Impressive.
It's for my meeting with the head
of a top secret start-up.
I tried to google him, but there's,
like, a million David Johnsons.
I'm not new at this.
It says here you speak
conversational French.
I could survive in Paris.
Oui.
I wasn't speaking French.
Yeah, that's great news.
Thanks.
Yes. Yes!
Exterminator's coming today.
She'll be out at the end of the week.
No more couch sleeping!
Yeah, Mike.
That's great, that's great.
But you're in the shot.
If you could just point at these notes
- while we walk away...
- Come on.
Sorry, I'm in a good mood.
Just knowing the end is near
- makes it all seem bearable.
- Yeah.
Like going to a play
with a flat-chested woman.
Look at this. Look
what she does to my socks.
She puts them on her big, giant
feet and she stretches them out.
Look at this turkey gobble.
Look at that.
Yeah, so much saggy material.
Like a blouse on a flat-chested woman.
- How'd your date go last night?
- The play was all right. Hey, look.
I got a real interview this time.
Tomorrow you're going
toe-to-toe with Chris Christie.
- No, really?
- Yeah.
- That's fantastic!
- Yeah.
- I gotta go prepare.
- All right.
If this turns out to
be a cat in a windbreaker,
- I'm gonna murder you.
- Mike, you're in the shot!
You're throwing shit in my
fuckin' bed while I'm sleeping.
- Oh!
- Okay, enough bad girls club.
I'm gonna be working in the dining room.
- I gotta prepare my big interview with...
- Shh! Cheyenne is talking.
What, has Aunt Leigh
got you watching this too?
Don't you have a paper to write?
Her weave is in the confessional.
Wait a minute, did she
just take her hair off?
It's just a busted-ass weave, Dad.
- Let the peacocking begin.
- What the hell is "peacocking"?
It's when you add a flashy
accessory to an upscale suit.
It's an instant conversation
starter at a job interview.
Well, let me start a conversation...
Where'd you get the
money to buy the suit?
Oh, I cashed in the savings bond
Grandma gave me.
There was a penalty
because it hadn't matured.
But I have.
Thanks for the advice, Aunt Leigh.
If you want to stand out in business,
you have to look the part.
You gotta spend money to make money.
No. No, see, you have to
make money to spend money.
That's a peacock sound.
Gotta fly.
Peacocks don't fly.
- Hey, Dad. Have you seen my iPod?
- Whoa, buddy. What are you doing?
We don't walk around the house naked.
Oh, yeah, we do.
I saw Aunt Leigh this morning
chugging orange juice
in the kitchen naked.
Turn it up!
Leigh had taken over the house.
I had two options...
Confront the problem directly or...
This is where you're prepping
for your Christie interview?
Yeah, it's easier to focus in here,
and if I get hungry,
- there's dried cranberry in the potpourri.
- I see.
A lazy mind might think
that it would've been easier
for you to just buy
Leigh that upholstery.
Where would the lesson be in that?
- I've broken the cycle, honey.
- Yes. Yes, you have.
And all it cost me was
a couple nights on a sofa
and getting up extra early
and working in the bathroom
and typing on a hamper...
oh, god, please, honey.
You gotta help me.
You gotta get rid of her.
Okay, okay, okay. Um...
I'll take her out tonight.
I will soften her up with
a few drinks and then
I will gently suggest that
she get the hell out of here.
But just for the record,
I predicted all of this.
- Even the toilet?
- No, that was just a fun bonus.
Just so you know, the Fonz's
office was in a bathroom.
- Honey, you are so not the Fonz.
- Hey!
Thank you.
It's easy to prank Ian
because he's so sure of himself.
Often wrong, never in doubt.
The plan was for him to eventually
give up and ask for the check.
Then I'd have the waitress bring him
a single mozzarella
stick and a sailor cap.
Sha-boof.
It was supposed to be funny.
But it wasn't.
Shh. Mike has a very
big interview tomorrow.
I think I know how to
sneak into a dark apartment.
Oh, that came out of nowhere.
- Hi.
- It's 2:00 in the morning!
Whatever, Mike o'Clock.
Okay, that... that is funny
because you are not Irish.
- Huh?
- Also 'cause we're drunk.
The bartender gave us free drinks
every time we kissed each other.
Oh, great, you
reawakened "College Annie."
Oh, no. "College Annie"
would've used tongue.
- I would have.
- My wife is kissing my sister.
That's... that's fun.
You know what else is fun?
Going to bed immediately.
I've got to get some sleep.
You are absolutely, totally right.
And we are gonna pull
it together for you.
- Pizza! Pizza!
- Oh, pucker up!
I want free crazy bread.
- No! No kissing for bread!
- Hey, Mr. Pizza man.
Where the hell have you been?
We're on in 5 minutes!
Looking good, Mr. Henry.
I can't lie to you.
You look like you slept in a ditch.
I didn't get much sleep last night.
My sister kissed my wife
and then threw up crazy
bread all over the couch.
Oh, so you had a party
and didn't invite ??
Let's go, let's do this.
- Oh! No, no, no, no.
- Okay, well...
he's over here where all the
cameras and the lights are.
- Hello, Governor.
- Mike, great to see you.
- Thanks for having me on.
- My pleasure.
- Great.
- You're crushing my hand.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hello, I'm Mike Henry.
Today we'll be speaking to
the Governor of New Jersey,
- Chris Christie. Governor, welcome.
- Mike, thanks for having me.
I'm so glad to see you
back doing your job.
And, you know, I find your
story just so inspiring...
in fact, I think it's so inspiring.
There's been a lot of speculation
about things, and I
feel so inspired today.
I think I should make an
announcement. So Mike...
Wake him up!
Hi.
Muffins!
Uh...
Well, we'll get to that question later.
Why do I even bother?
- Oh...
- Someone's got a hangover.
No, just a little party headache
with some good-time nausea.
- What are you doing?
- Making omelets for me and Ian.
Oh, that's sweet.
I wish your father and your
aunt were as close as you.
Hey, where'd this crazy bread come from?
- You seriously don't remember?
- This is exactly what I need.
I just... oh, god, no.
Whoa, too soon. Too soon.
- Want an omelet?
- You probably put your butt on them,
and since I'm not partial to
butt omelets, I shall pass.
You seem to be in a good mood.
Johnson was actually a no-show last night,
but I got an email from him apologizing.
I had to let him down easy.
He said I'd have been an Insta-hire
if they'd not just relocated
to Poughkeepsie last night.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
- So I'm going to Poughkeepsie.
- Wait, what?
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a train to catch.
Wait... Ian?!
Leigh, we have to ta...
Oh, what is that?
Pole dancing.
It's so empowering,
and it's really good for your core.
How did you... nevermind.
Look, I fell asleep during
my big interview with...
Scissor grab!
- I can really feel the burn, Mike.
- Take the burn downstairs.
It should be aired out now
the exterminator's gone.
Oh, the exterminator came,
but he didn't spray.
- He didn't what?!
- When he told me how
toxic that stuff was,
I sent him on his way.
Hopefully to get an
even deadlier chemical
that will get you out of here faster.
Don't worry.
My nutritionist said to burn sage.
It usually takes about
two to three weeks.
"Two to three weeks"?
And this time line is coming
from your nutritionist,
so it means... nothing!
Calm down, Mike. You'd think
you were the one with bed bugs.
I do have bed bugs, Leigh.
You're my bed bug!
You've infested my house,
you've destroyed our lives,
I've gotta get you out of here now!
That's the only thing in this house
you haven't put lotion on.
That's it. I'm doing it myself.
- What?
- The exterminator was booked.
So I slipped him 100 bucks.
He gave me the pesticides.
I got bombs, I got sprays,
I got the stuff they
put in car batteries.
Are you seriously still in bed?
This is what happens
when you say "no" to Leigh.
This is what happens when you
drink Jager shots with Leigh.
That's all the
protection you're using?
I got a brain disease.
What are a few chemicals gonna do to me?
Ian! Ian!
- Ian!
- Eve, what are you doing here?
There is no David Johnson.
I made it up.
This was my prank to get you back.
I-I never meant for it to get this far.
I feel terrible.
Nice try.
All aboard track 19 for Poughkeepsie.
Gotta run.
See you when I see you.
Watching Ian, I didn't feel bad anymore.
I was actually jealous.
He might not have it all figured out,
but once he does,
there is absolutely
nothing that'll stop him.
This will take ten
years off your face.
But I'm only eight.
Aunt Leigh is making us
all mud masks. You want one?
- Don't you still have a paper to write?
- I finished it.
Eight pages on the addictive
qualities of reality TV.
I've never been more productive
because my reward was
more bad girls club.
I guess knowledge
isn't its own reward.
So the peacocking paid off.
I was on the train to Poughkeepsie,
- long story...
- Don't need to hear it.
When this guy said he liked my style.
Turns out he works for Today's Man.
So I turned up the charm,
and sha-dank! Job offer...
- sales associate.
- So you're a suit salesman?
No, I'm a suit givesman
because we're basically
just giving them away. Boom!
First month's rent.
Wow. I suppose you had
something to do with this.
No, he did this all on his own.
Sure, maybe Leigh only comes
up here when she wants something.
But sometimes that something...
is just to be around her family.
Hey, listen, I know I've
been a giant pain in the ass.
So I'm just gonna get cleaned up,
and I'll be out of your way.
Leigh, are these supposed to tingle?
That's how you know the
cayenne pepper's working.
I'm guessing no one knew
about the cayenne pepper.
It's great. It's like sticking
your face in an anthill.
Okay, let's go, guys.
Let's take these off.
People, you can't jump
midstream. It'll never...
Oh, god, it's up my nose.
It's in my nose!
It's in my nose!
That's a good look for you.
Your skin looks so good!
Really good for your sinuses.
That's the weird thing about siblings.
They're with you your whole life...
- Can we call a truce on the prank war?
- Course. Oh.
And by the way,
I got you a can of peanut brittle.
And even though you
think you know them...
Uh-huh.
Okay. "Peanut brittle."
They still surprise you.
Listen, I've been thinking.
About the bed bug thing,
I think sage is the responsible choice.
I just want you to know that
you're welcome to stay
- here as long as you want.
- Thanks, Mike. Really.
But I'm going to crash at Carol's.
I really love your family,
but they can be exhausting.
I can only give so much, you know.
Was Carol's always an option?
- Got your power heels on.
- Oh, these?
No, these are just regular men's
loafers you can buy in any store.
And I put three or four insoles
in so it's easier to do this.
- Ugh, get a room.
- Hey, these are all our rooms.
You get a room.
Seriously, why are you dressed up?
Oh, Harris called me in. He finally
set up a big interview for me.
Tonight, I get to ask
the tough questions.
- Who are you interviewing, Dad?
- Didn't ask. Probably should've.
Tough questions start now.
- You...
- Are you on shore leave, honey?
It was swim test day in gym,
and when I got back to my locker,
- this was all that was left in there.
- Sounds like some smooth criminal
picked a perfect day to bribe the
janitors to swipe your gym bag.
Sha-boof!
You've been pranked.
I had to ride the subway like this.
It sucked!
Although a nice old woman
did thank me for my service.
Next time, don't take
the last mozzarella stick.
I had to drink the sauce like an animal.
That's what this is about? Fine.
You want a prank war?
You got a prank war!
Loved you on the cracker jack box.
- Upstairs.
- How's the job search going, Ian?
- Still haven't got that rent check.
- I'm all over it.
While I'm waiting for
my company to monetize,
I'm searching for the perfect day job.
I posted my resume on Linkedin.
Let the feeding frenzy begin.
You gonna help me out with this?
I won't forget that, buddy.
Guys, bad news.
That writers' group I've
been trying to get into?
- They accepted me.
- You'll get past this?
No, I have to host
these guys once a month.
I can't have published
writers sitting on a couch
I found in a dumpster in college.
We fought off
raccoons for that thing.
Exactly. And while it may
be cute to have a raccoon
couch in your 20s, I'm
dipping my toe into my 30s...
- Your toe is 12 years long?
- I'm serious, Michael.
This group could be my big break.
And you know I hate to ask,
but couches are expensive.
So maybe you could
just loan me a little...
Oh, hey.
It's my literary agent.
Hey, Vernon.
Every time she comes up
here, she wants something.
And every time she comes up here,
I end up giving it to her.
I gotta break this cycle of dependency.
Mike, you know what happens
when you say "no" to Leigh.
The problem just becomes bigger.
Remember when you refused
to pay for her life coach?
- The one who ended up in rehab?
- Yes, she was so upset,
- you had to pay for her grief counselor.
- The one who killed himself?
Just please buy the couch, Mike.
Well, my agent is leaving me
to become a dental hygienist.
"He'd rather look at the inside of
people's mouths than my writing."
- That was a quote.
- Maybe you'll get a discount?
No, I already asked.
Now I need this couch more than ever.
How many people need to die, Mike?
- We'll get you the couch.
- You're the best!
I already have one on hold.
I'm gonna go get it right now.
Oh, hey, can I borrow your umbrella?
It looks like it's gonna rain.
- Yeah, that's why I need it.
- Michael, I just did my hair.
Take the umbrella.
- See, that was easy.
- And I'll just take Eve's umbrella.
1x08 - Bed Bugs
Mr. Henry, you're soaked. Can you
be in the rain with your condition?
Kay, I have Parkinson's.
I'm not a witch.
I'll get you my gym towel.
I barely perspired.
The doctors say I have
dangerously undersized sweat glands.
Well, then don't run, for Pete's sake.
- Hello?
- Good news... I got a vintage couch,
so I saved us some money.
Bad news...
In the cold light of day,
the upholstery pattern
looks like a bunch of sperms.
It sounds like paisley.
It sounds fine.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's totally fine.
But is it fine like how
drugstore jeans are fine?
Like, when the buttons
turn your belly green,
and the pockets are just drawn on?
Here's what I'm thinking...
we reupholster...
- for just a little more money...
- All right, enough.
Leigh, I love you, but you have to
start taking care of your own life.
You have to pick out
your own upholstery.
The bloodsucking has to stop now.
Hey, splash mountain.
- Ready for your big in-studio?
- Absolutely.
Oh, you better bring your "A" game
because you're going toe-to-toe
with Dr. Jeffrey...
Scratch-a-bottom.
A cat?
You want me to interview a cat?
Well, it can say, "Hello."
- That could be anything.
- Well, the internet decided it's "hello."
When I came out of retirement,
it was to interview people
like Desmond Tutu and Cory
Booker and Mayor Bloomberg.
It was, you know, humans.
So that's a "no" on interviewing
Lance Armstrong's bike?
No, I'm just kidding.
We could never get Livestrong 3000.
All right. Well, I'll
get you something good.
I promise.
Now go interview this cat.
See? Bone dry.
You should see me in a sauna.
Was that inappropriate?
So what do you want to talk about?
Nice try on the prank.
I found the saran wrap
you put on the toilet.
Poked a hole in it.
80% went right through.
- You didn't take it off?
- I work smart. Not hard.
I don't have time for this anyway.
I got a bite on my online resume.
I'm having dinner tomorrow night
with the C-E-Oh-no-he-didn't.
But, yes, he did.
We're really having dinner.
The saran wrap was a decoy prank.
The real prank is the CEO,
because there is no CEO.
I set the whole thing up.
I'm really proud of you, Ian.
You are on a rocket ride to the top.
- Your words.
- There's a force field on the toilet!
Mom!
I tell you, it felt so good
to stand up to Leigh today.
I can feel the power coursing...
through my body.
On the way home, I hailed a cab
using only the power of my mind.
Mike, you said "no" to
your sister over the phone.
And you're using the weights
I use in ballet class.
I'm also using your anklets.
Look out.
Okay, first off, I'm not mad at you.
- Well, that's good to know.
- But that couch
you wouldn't reupholster?
It's full of bed bugs.
- Leigh, that's horrible.
- Yeah, I fell asleep on that thing
for ten minutes...
woke up covered in bites.
I had to strip down,
take a searing hot shower,
and crouch-run naked
to the laundry room to get a towel.
Went right by Roland "the Super"
who didn't even look up,
- so he is obviously a gay.
- That would do it...
This is a disaster!
Everything I own is down there.
My spoons...
That's just one example.
I'm too frazzled to make a list.
Okay, all right,
let's get you covered up,
'cause I'm getting
a little up-towel action.
Mike, you know I hate to ask you,
- but hotels are expensive...
- No, no, no.
I'm not paying for a hotel.
You're an adult.
- You can solve this problem on your own.
- You're right.
I'm just gonna have to suck it up and...
- stay with you.
- It'd be cheaper than a hotel.
- She could take the couch.
- That's great, you know.
Wait, what time do
the kids get up again?
- Because I'm a pretty naked sleeper.
- I'll take the couch.
You're wearing pink ankle weights?
What kind of stuff are you guys into?
Priscilla, Priscilla, Priscilla...
Pack your bags.
It's time for your exit.
She called you fake!
Punch her in the implants.
- What is this, Downton Abbey?
- Bad Girls Club. For work.
I have to write my online recap.
Entertainment Weekly
called them "total garbage."
Well, at least you're on their radar.
I gotta turn this off before the
kids see their first nipple ring.
- What, did you give birth to that?
- It's just a little lotion.
I may have gotten all
the height in the family,
- but you got all the moisture.
- Yeah, I'm genetically blessed.
- So where are we on exterminator?
- I get it, moisty.
You want me out. Don't worry.
I'm on it.
- Mornin'.
- Morning.
- You have a cheese doodle in your hair.
- What?
- Doodle.
- Doodle.
So you're still glad
you said "no" to Leigh?
I wouldn't have had to say "no"
if I hadn't said "yes" to the couch.
Remind me again, whose idea was that?
Oh, I can't remember,
but she sounds cool.
Who cares if I had to
spend a night on the couch?
I mean, the important thing is
I said "no" to her, and she's learning.
- Is she?
- She will. Eventually.
Would you give up on
a student after one bad day?
All the time... by lunch on the
first day, five kids are dead to me.
See, this is why I'm
a better teacher than you.
- Oh, that went completely soft.
- Yeah, it was disgusting.
What's this?
Just my resume.
Double embossed on white
linen 80-pound card stock.
A lot of high school clubs on here.
Impressive.
It's for my meeting with the head
of a top secret start-up.
I tried to google him, but there's,
like, a million David Johnsons.
I'm not new at this.
It says here you speak
conversational French.
I could survive in Paris.
Oui.
I wasn't speaking French.
Yeah, that's great news.
Thanks.
Yes. Yes!
Exterminator's coming today.
She'll be out at the end of the week.
No more couch sleeping!
Yeah, Mike.
That's great, that's great.
But you're in the shot.
If you could just point at these notes
- while we walk away...
- Come on.
Sorry, I'm in a good mood.
Just knowing the end is near
- makes it all seem bearable.
- Yeah.
Like going to a play
with a flat-chested woman.
Look at this. Look
what she does to my socks.
She puts them on her big, giant
feet and she stretches them out.
Look at this turkey gobble.
Look at that.
Yeah, so much saggy material.
Like a blouse on a flat-chested woman.
- How'd your date go last night?
- The play was all right. Hey, look.
I got a real interview this time.
Tomorrow you're going
toe-to-toe with Chris Christie.
- No, really?
- Yeah.
- That's fantastic!
- Yeah.
- I gotta go prepare.
- All right.
If this turns out to
be a cat in a windbreaker,
- I'm gonna murder you.
- Mike, you're in the shot!
You're throwing shit in my
fuckin' bed while I'm sleeping.
- Oh!
- Okay, enough bad girls club.
I'm gonna be working in the dining room.
- I gotta prepare my big interview with...
- Shh! Cheyenne is talking.
What, has Aunt Leigh
got you watching this too?
Don't you have a paper to write?
Her weave is in the confessional.
Wait a minute, did she
just take her hair off?
It's just a busted-ass weave, Dad.
- Let the peacocking begin.
- What the hell is "peacocking"?
It's when you add a flashy
accessory to an upscale suit.
It's an instant conversation
starter at a job interview.
Well, let me start a conversation...
Where'd you get the
money to buy the suit?
Oh, I cashed in the savings bond
Grandma gave me.
There was a penalty
because it hadn't matured.
But I have.
Thanks for the advice, Aunt Leigh.
If you want to stand out in business,
you have to look the part.
You gotta spend money to make money.
No. No, see, you have to
make money to spend money.
That's a peacock sound.
Gotta fly.
Peacocks don't fly.
- Hey, Dad. Have you seen my iPod?
- Whoa, buddy. What are you doing?
We don't walk around the house naked.
Oh, yeah, we do.
I saw Aunt Leigh this morning
chugging orange juice
in the kitchen naked.
Turn it up!
Leigh had taken over the house.
I had two options...
Confront the problem directly or...
This is where you're prepping
for your Christie interview?
Yeah, it's easier to focus in here,
and if I get hungry,
- there's dried cranberry in the potpourri.
- I see.
A lazy mind might think
that it would've been easier
for you to just buy
Leigh that upholstery.
Where would the lesson be in that?
- I've broken the cycle, honey.
- Yes. Yes, you have.
And all it cost me was
a couple nights on a sofa
and getting up extra early
and working in the bathroom
and typing on a hamper...
oh, god, please, honey.
You gotta help me.
You gotta get rid of her.
Okay, okay, okay. Um...
I'll take her out tonight.
I will soften her up with
a few drinks and then
I will gently suggest that
she get the hell out of here.
But just for the record,
I predicted all of this.
- Even the toilet?
- No, that was just a fun bonus.
Just so you know, the Fonz's
office was in a bathroom.
- Honey, you are so not the Fonz.
- Hey!
Thank you.
It's easy to prank Ian
because he's so sure of himself.
Often wrong, never in doubt.
The plan was for him to eventually
give up and ask for the check.
Then I'd have the waitress bring him
a single mozzarella
stick and a sailor cap.
Sha-boof.
It was supposed to be funny.
But it wasn't.
Shh. Mike has a very
big interview tomorrow.
I think I know how to
sneak into a dark apartment.
Oh, that came out of nowhere.
- Hi.
- It's 2:00 in the morning!
Whatever, Mike o'Clock.
Okay, that... that is funny
because you are not Irish.
- Huh?
- Also 'cause we're drunk.
The bartender gave us free drinks
every time we kissed each other.
Oh, great, you
reawakened "College Annie."
Oh, no. "College Annie"
would've used tongue.
- I would have.
- My wife is kissing my sister.
That's... that's fun.
You know what else is fun?
Going to bed immediately.
I've got to get some sleep.
You are absolutely, totally right.
And we are gonna pull
it together for you.
- Pizza! Pizza!
- Oh, pucker up!
I want free crazy bread.
- No! No kissing for bread!
- Hey, Mr. Pizza man.
Where the hell have you been?
We're on in 5 minutes!
Looking good, Mr. Henry.
I can't lie to you.
You look like you slept in a ditch.
I didn't get much sleep last night.
My sister kissed my wife
and then threw up crazy
bread all over the couch.
Oh, so you had a party
and didn't invite ??
Let's go, let's do this.
- Oh! No, no, no, no.
- Okay, well...
he's over here where all the
cameras and the lights are.
- Hello, Governor.
- Mike, great to see you.
- Thanks for having me on.
- My pleasure.
- Great.
- You're crushing my hand.
- Oh, sorry.
- Hello, I'm Mike Henry.
Today we'll be speaking to
the Governor of New Jersey,
- Chris Christie. Governor, welcome.
- Mike, thanks for having me.
I'm so glad to see you
back doing your job.
And, you know, I find your
story just so inspiring...
in fact, I think it's so inspiring.
There's been a lot of speculation
about things, and I
feel so inspired today.
I think I should make an
announcement. So Mike...
Wake him up!
Hi.
Muffins!
Uh...
Well, we'll get to that question later.
Why do I even bother?
- Oh...
- Someone's got a hangover.
No, just a little party headache
with some good-time nausea.
- What are you doing?
- Making omelets for me and Ian.
Oh, that's sweet.
I wish your father and your
aunt were as close as you.
Hey, where'd this crazy bread come from?
- You seriously don't remember?
- This is exactly what I need.
I just... oh, god, no.
Whoa, too soon. Too soon.
- Want an omelet?
- You probably put your butt on them,
and since I'm not partial to
butt omelets, I shall pass.
You seem to be in a good mood.
Johnson was actually a no-show last night,
but I got an email from him apologizing.
I had to let him down easy.
He said I'd have been an Insta-hire
if they'd not just relocated
to Poughkeepsie last night.
Well, maybe it's for the best.
- So I'm going to Poughkeepsie.
- Wait, what?
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a train to catch.
Wait... Ian?!
Leigh, we have to ta...
Oh, what is that?
Pole dancing.
It's so empowering,
and it's really good for your core.
How did you... nevermind.
Look, I fell asleep during
my big interview with...
Scissor grab!
- I can really feel the burn, Mike.
- Take the burn downstairs.
It should be aired out now
the exterminator's gone.
Oh, the exterminator came,
but he didn't spray.
- He didn't what?!
- When he told me how
toxic that stuff was,
I sent him on his way.
Hopefully to get an
even deadlier chemical
that will get you out of here faster.
Don't worry.
My nutritionist said to burn sage.
It usually takes about
two to three weeks.
"Two to three weeks"?
And this time line is coming
from your nutritionist,
so it means... nothing!
Calm down, Mike. You'd think
you were the one with bed bugs.
I do have bed bugs, Leigh.
You're my bed bug!
You've infested my house,
you've destroyed our lives,
I've gotta get you out of here now!
That's the only thing in this house
you haven't put lotion on.
That's it. I'm doing it myself.
- What?
- The exterminator was booked.
So I slipped him 100 bucks.
He gave me the pesticides.
I got bombs, I got sprays,
I got the stuff they
put in car batteries.
Are you seriously still in bed?
This is what happens
when you say "no" to Leigh.
This is what happens when you
drink Jager shots with Leigh.
That's all the
protection you're using?
I got a brain disease.
What are a few chemicals gonna do to me?
Ian! Ian!
- Ian!
- Eve, what are you doing here?
There is no David Johnson.
I made it up.
This was my prank to get you back.
I-I never meant for it to get this far.
I feel terrible.
Nice try.
All aboard track 19 for Poughkeepsie.
Gotta run.
See you when I see you.
Watching Ian, I didn't feel bad anymore.
I was actually jealous.
He might not have it all figured out,
but once he does,
there is absolutely
nothing that'll stop him.
This will take ten
years off your face.
But I'm only eight.
Aunt Leigh is making us
all mud masks. You want one?
- Don't you still have a paper to write?
- I finished it.
Eight pages on the addictive
qualities of reality TV.
I've never been more productive
because my reward was
more bad girls club.
I guess knowledge
isn't its own reward.
So the peacocking paid off.
I was on the train to Poughkeepsie,
- long story...
- Don't need to hear it.
When this guy said he liked my style.
Turns out he works for Today's Man.
So I turned up the charm,
and sha-dank! Job offer...
- sales associate.
- So you're a suit salesman?
No, I'm a suit givesman
because we're basically
just giving them away. Boom!
First month's rent.
Wow. I suppose you had
something to do with this.
No, he did this all on his own.
Sure, maybe Leigh only comes
up here when she wants something.
But sometimes that something...
is just to be around her family.
Hey, listen, I know I've
been a giant pain in the ass.
So I'm just gonna get cleaned up,
and I'll be out of your way.
Leigh, are these supposed to tingle?
That's how you know the
cayenne pepper's working.
I'm guessing no one knew
about the cayenne pepper.
It's great. It's like sticking
your face in an anthill.
Okay, let's go, guys.
Let's take these off.
People, you can't jump
midstream. It'll never...
Oh, god, it's up my nose.
It's in my nose!
It's in my nose!
That's a good look for you.
Your skin looks so good!
Really good for your sinuses.
That's the weird thing about siblings.
They're with you your whole life...
- Can we call a truce on the prank war?
- Course. Oh.
And by the way,
I got you a can of peanut brittle.
And even though you
think you know them...
Uh-huh.
Okay. "Peanut brittle."
They still surprise you.
Listen, I've been thinking.
About the bed bug thing,
I think sage is the responsible choice.
I just want you to know that
you're welcome to stay
- here as long as you want.
- Thanks, Mike. Really.
But I'm going to crash at Carol's.
I really love your family,
but they can be exhausting.
I can only give so much, you know.
Was Carol's always an option?