The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 7 - Golf - full transcript

Guess who's going on a
getaway to the most

- romantic place ever?
- Fiji?

We're finally doing it?

I'm gonna get to swim
with a sea turtle!

You know what's kinda
like swimming in Fiji?

Golfing in New Jersey.

But we can look at
sea turtles on YouTube.

***
That's not the same.

Come on, honey.
CNBC charity golf event.

Ugh, those things are
so boring for me.

You always end up getting
pulled into a million photo-ups



and I spend the weekend politely
golf clapping.

I clap big, Mike.
You knew that when you married me.

I just don't
like all the attention.

- Oh, yeah, really, Mike?
- Well, maybe I do, but,

this isn't about that.

The event's being held at
the Shore Side Manor.

Uh, game changer.

Shore Side Manor is where
Mike proposed to me 20 years ago.

We were pretty broke back then,

so we had to stay in the
worst room in the hotel.

They call it garden view,
but the only thing we viewed

was a bunch of golfers peeing.

We were right between the
front ** and the back ***.

I actually saw a ***.



This time we're going to an
ocean view suite.

And ***,

and the rest of the time will be
nothing but romance.

- You promise.
- I'll be ***,

and we will bury our
*** of romance in the sand,

***, come here.

Oh!
You people are machines.

Can't there be one room
in this house

where people are not kissing?

Yeah, that'd be your room, Ian.

Oh, Mike. Come on.

You know we've made out
plenty of times in Ian's room.

Oh! Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah!

♪ Da, da, da ♪

♪ da, da, da ♪

♪ da, da, da, da ♪

♪ da, da, da, da, da, da ♪

Hey!

- Mom, we're out of cereal!
- Shh.

Mom's on vacation.

Right now I'm easing
into a hammock,

I'm relaxed--

are none of you
using your coaster?

Oh, boy, we gotta get you
out of here.

Well, Felix canceled on me.

I'm pretty sure it's over.

Oh, no.
You liked him.

He never tried to steal
your identity.

He was a real catch.

I had
this whole spread prepared.

Guess it's just
another Saturday night

with nothing to do
for Old Aunt Leigh.

Except babysit Graham,
or have you forgotten?

Michael, what are you implying?

I could never forget
my baby nephew.

I totally forgot.

Hope you're hungry, buddy.

I made a big dinner
that was in no way

inspired by 9 1/2 Weeks.

Bye, dad.

Okay, kiddos.
We gotta boogie.

The place is yours.

Don't have too much fun
without us.

- Love you. Bye.
- We won't.

We'll miss you.

Those trusting fools.

We rented out the apartment
for the weekend

'cause we're geniuses.

You can make a killing online

for a four-bedroom, two-bath
in Manhattan.

- Dog in the kennel?
- Check.

- Sheets changed?
- Check.

Mints on the pillow?

For that resort feel.

Ooh, maybe they'll leave a tip.

It feels so good
to be back here.

Oh, damn, I left my bikini
in the car.

Annie, it's 56 degrees outside.

Hey, I am laying by that pool.

- You let me have this.
- Mr. Henry...

Mind if we take a picture?

- You're a real inspiration to us.
- Oh, thanks, guys.

- But I'm kind of with my wife--
- No, no, no, no, it's fine.

You greet your public,

and I will go
and get my swimsuit.

Okay, well, lift me up.
I'll lie across your arms.

Get one on my camera too.

Enjoy your stay.

- Hey, how are you?
- Welcome.

Thanks.

Uh, I was in line.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't see you there.

Well, I know I'm short,
but I'm not that short.

Uh, no, I didn't see you
because I'm blind.

Just checking in.
Here's my ID.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't
notice you were blind, but--

But-- but-- but-- but-- but--
but what?

But you're still
in front of me in line.

Oh, because I'm blind
I don't know where I am in line?

No, you totally do.
It's just that--

You know what,
hold that thought.

- Just let me finish.
- Here you are.

Thank you very much.

Now, by all means.

Vernon.

Well, as long as you're done.

Hi, checking in.
Mike Henry.

Great, we've got you
in a garden view suite.

Oh, no, no.

We were expecting
an ocean view suite.

Oh.

That gentleman just got
the last one.

Really?

Kind of seems like a waste
of an ocean view suite.

Because...

I got it.

Here's your key.

I had a third date tonight,
but the guy canceled

at the last minute.

Not a good sign.

Why?

Third date's make or break--

You take him home,
feed him some figs,

then he looks into your eyes
and says

those three words
you've been longing to hear--

"I'm getting divorced."

Tommy's parents are divorced.

Good story.

Yep, I guess Old Aunt Leigh's

just destined to be dateless.

I'll be your date.

Oh.

Such a gentleman.

Why is your hair
a different color

on the top of your head?

Gentlemen don't ask questions,
Graham.

Annie, you must be freezing.

Mind over matter-- Needed to
keep the vacation spirit alive

since we didn't get
the ocean view suite.

Oh, good news.

I booked us a couples massage.

So I figured we could skip
the banquet,

have a quiet,
romantic dinner for two.

Oh, that's inside, right?

Because I can't really feel
my toes.

- Hey, Mike.
- Hey, Harris.

Back in the game.
Hey, Annie.

- Throw on a fleece.
- I know.

So ready to get out there
and raise some funds

for St. Abigail's Hospital?

I hope the answer's yes
because those nuns

are breathing down my neck.

Harris, this smile
opens wallets.

Watch this.

Okay, get ready to duck.

And don't think you're safe
back there either.

Whoo!

That's my husband.

Hate to be the guy
who has to follow that.

Who am I partnered with anyway?

Oh, just a little someone
by the name of Chaz Garrity.

The jazz musician.

He played the Kennedy Center.

He wrote the theme
for our 5:00 News, Mike.

- Oh, I love that.
- Yeah.

Hell of a golfer too.

Which is amazing,

considering
his personal challenges.

There he is.

- That guy?
- Yeah.

I'm raising funds here, Mike.
Every celebrity helps.

So it's 1961,

and jazz musicians
are celebrities again?

Hey, jazz is the only
pure American art form.

Now go over there
and say hello.

Yeah.

Hey, Chaz.

How you doing?
I guess we're partners today.

This is kind of surprising,
isn't it?

"Surprising"?
Why, 'cause I'm blind?

Well, no, no.
But because we met earlier.

And-- and, you know,
I have Parkinson's.

So I know something
about overcoming personal--

Obstacles?

- Is that what you were gonna say?
- Obstacles, yeah.

Listen, I don't want
to get dragged down

into your sad, negative world,
dude.

I'm just here to play a game.

"Sad"?

Come on.

Whoo!

Oh, wow.

That sounded good.

Hey, how far did that go?
I couldn't see it.

Nice shot.

Yes! Oh, wow!

Listen to that!

Sounds like a birdie.

Couples massage time.

You ready to make eye contact
while another guy touches me?

Oh, honey.
I-I gotta finish this game.

This Chaz guy called me out.

"Called you out"?
What, are you 16?

You gonna drag race him
down widow's curve?

Of course not, honey.
He's blind. He can't drive.

I thought this weekend

you were just gonna hit
a few balls

and the rest of the time
was gonna be about us.

Thanks for understanding.

Is it hard?
Yeah, sure.

But I've trained my hands
to have sight

where my eyes don't.

Beautiful smile, by the way.

Give this guy your number.

- Chaz.
- Yeah?

Can I give you a little tip

from one inspirational guy
to another?

Everybody knows you're blind.

Excuse me?

You're just--
you're milking it a little.

- I'm--
- Just a little.

I'm milking it?

Okay, I wasn't
the one who said,

"I have Parkinson's.
It's an obstacle."

Oh, how about you
in the lobby today?

"I'm blind.
I'm blind.

Give me a room with a view!
I'm blind!"

Oh, wow, man,
I came here to have fun,

and now I'm just seeing red.

Or at least my idea
of what red is.

- Love you, Chaz!
- Way to go, Chaz!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Take it easy, Mike.

We got a caddy for that.

Send him home.

I'm carrying this burden
on my own.

You're my hero, Mike.

And I'm gonna take his too.

Hey, there, Larry.

I believe I spoke
to your associate Maurice

on the phone.

We have a reservation
under Ian Henry.

Sorry, kids.

If you want to hook up,
do it somewhere else.

Wait, you think
that we're a--

Ew, ew, ew, ew!
Disgusting!

Come on, man.
This is my sister.

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

- Heard that before.
- I got this.

Look, Lar, I think
we got off on the wrong foot

with the whole incest thing.

Maybe my friend,
President Jackson,

can help ease out
the situation.

And have you met
his twin brother,

second term President Jackson?

Sorry, can't help you guys.

I see what's going on here.

The second I get home,
you're getting Yelped!

Okay? Yeah.
Yeah, you.

I'm mentioning everything!

I'm mentioning this lobby,
I'm mentioning this guy,

and the bears!

How does it feel to be
three strokes

behind a man
who's legally blind?

"Legally blind"?

Wait a minute,
did you say "Legally blind"?

What does that mean?
Can you see shapes?

I don't know.
Can you see shapes?

Nobody saw that?

Nobody saw that?
Unbelievable.

Nobody saw that.

Unbelievable.

- Come on, Chaz.
- You can make it.

Okay.

Come on, Chaz.

Come on, kid.

Mom, dad, help us out here,
will you please?

For crying out loud.

My turn.

It's in the hole!

Okay, so just put pole "B"
into grommet "Q."

And that should be good.

No hotel would take us,
so we bought a tent for $200.

I think the guy who sold it
to us ripped us off.

Yeah, and he definitely
thought we were a couple.

What, are we giving off
some sort of chemistry vibe?

- Oh, ew, gross.
- You could do worse.

This isn't so bad.

We're making a tasty profit,

and we're out here
enjoying nature.

It's a win-win.

No!

You didn't put anything
in there to weigh it down?

No, just my wallet.
Damn it! Oh!

You know what,
let's just get out of here.

Seriously?

Oh, come on!

Oh, this reminds me
when I used to

throw tea parties as a kid.

My dolls would be the guests,

and I'd make Mike
be the waiter.

Cool. Yeah.
Totally.

Are you even listening, Graham?

Totally. Yeah.

♪ You know what's on my mind ♪

♪ I want to feel your ♪

Turns out going on a date
with my eight-year-old nephew

is just like going on a date
with any other guy.

I'm sorry I'm late,
but it wasn't all for naught.

I got this.

- So you won.
- Oh, God, no.

That's a participation trophy.

No, I came in 23rd.

But Chaz came in 25th.

Mike, I can't believe
you ruined our weekend

all over some grudge match

with a perfectly nice
blind person.

I thought I heard
the voice of an adult

coming from the height range
of a child.

Whoa.

You deliberately knocked over
that bag,

so I'd miss that putt,
you cheater.

Hey, my husband is not
a cheater.

"Is," "Isn't..."
It's not important.

What is important is that
we have that romantic dinner

we talked about--
I'm thinking room service.

Skipping the banquet, huh?

Figured you'd be too ashamed
to show your voice.

Wow, was I wrong
about that guy.

What a jerk.
And to call you a cheater?

Crazy, huh?

Well, at least
that story's over with.

I'm feeling Italian.
How about you?

No, screw romance.

We are going to that banquet.

How about Fiji?
My treat.

Honey, we don't have to do this.

We can knock off, we can go take a
long walk by the ocean.

Mike, it's the Atlantic.

We can see that garbage ocean
from our apartment.

We're here to settle a score.

- Be cool.
- Good evening.

On behalf of Channel Four News,
thank you

for coming out to support
the research wing

of St. Abigail's Hospital.

And today we raised
over $1,500--

What?
Was that it?

All right.

Well, I've been told
we're switching

to a cash bar.

Enjoy your meals.

I'd like to say
a few words if I may.

Don't worry, I won't cheat you
out of your dinners.

Because as we all know,

cheating--
whether it be at golf

or any of life's endeavors--
is truly despicable.

Anyways, it's an honor
to be here.

This is a great, great cause.
And enjoy your meals.

Say something.

I too am honored to be here.

Giving to St. Abigail's is

like an investment
in the future.

And we all know that
our children are the future.

Like this boy here.

The kind of kid
who knows to keep his head down

and not say too much and...

know his place.

So once again,
it's a great, great, great,

great, great, great,
great cause.

And let's not do anything
to screw it up.

Enjoy the meal.

- That's it?
- Yeah, let's go.

Hi.
Annie Henry, Mike's wife.

Also honored.

I think that the jingle writer

made a good point
about cheating.

Another point--
if we don't support

St. Abigail's,
aren't we all losers?

Maybe some of us, sore losers.

And is there anything worse

than a sore loser?

Other than the diseases
that this research

is trying to cure?

This is a great, great,
super great, really,

just the best cause.

Enjoy your meal.

♪ Can't seem to get ya ♪

Can I get some more juice?

That was your fifth glass.

Maybe you've had enough.

I could get this at home.

We have apple juice upstairs.

And the silent auction
is now officially closed.

I'm proud to announce
that we have raised...

$250?

All right.
That's it.

Turn off
the chocolate fountain.

If you're not gonna
use the ketchup,

don't open the bottles
just for the hell of it.

Huh?

Real nice, Henry.

Getting your wife to fight
your battles for you?

Well, you have to admit
she's good at it.

Hey, hey, you cheated
against a legally blind man.

Legally blind?

Mike, this guy can see shapes.

That's what I've been saying.

Okay, this is ridiculous.
Out of the way.

Hey, how did you know
where Mike was?

Unless...

Think fast!

Well, that didn't prove
anything.

We'll show ourselves out.

You hit one blind dude with a
lobster, and then, oh, suddenly,

- you're the bad guy.
- I know.

We're the victims here.

Oh, look at this.

Lookee, lookee.

Ocean view suite.

Wide open.

They said it was all full.

That was supposed
to be our view.

Well, it wouldn't hurt
to take a little peek.

Yep, that's an ocean.

Come and see what
it looks like from over here.

But that's further away.

Oh, I see what you're doing.

Ugh, are you serious?
Why would you lock this?

So that people like us
can't get in.

Solid point.

Worst night ever.

This is what we get.

Mom and dad put a roof
over our head,

- and we stab them in the back.
- After the day we've had,

I am never disrespecting
mom and dad again.

All right,
well, I'm not sleeping

out here like a pigeon.

I am gonna jimmy open that lock

with this belt--

No!

Oh, that was $80.
Now we're not making any money.

I'm not paying
for your cheesy belt!

It was Armani Exchange!
You have no sense of fashion.

- Are you serious?
- Just zero.

Honey?

There's a homeless couple

having a lovers' quarrel
on the fire escape.

- No, we live here.
- And we're not a couple!

What's going on?

Let's just tell them the truth.

You're right.

Our parents rented out
the apartment for the weekend

and left us with nowhere to go.

Oh, you poor things.

That's awful.

Come in.
We'll get you some blankets.

Honey, help me.

What ever happened to not
betraying mom and dad?

- I was cold.
- Yeah. Ooh.

Stay informed.

Thank you very much.

I could have sworn
I left it open,

so I could find it again.

You know, 'cause I'm blind.

Here we go.

Keep perfectly still.

You know
who you're talking to, right?

You were right.
I can see shapes.

Skiddily wow.

- Oh.
- That's the guy who blamed me

for knocking over the golf bag!

And after all the nice things
I said about you in my speech...

Son of a--

So you framed
a ten-year-old kid.

Not my proudest moment.

What happened today?

Usually, you're just happy
to have fun out there.

It's not like you to be
so competitive about golf.

Oh, it wasn't about the golf.

I just want to be
the inspirational guy.

I mean, I guess it's become

a bigger part of my identity
than I realized.

If it makes you
feel any better,

to the people
who really know you,

you're not all that inspiring.

- Doesn't help.
- I'm just saying.

To the kids,
you're an embarrassing dad.

To me,
you're a soul mate/blanket hog.

And let's face it, to
that innocent ten-year-old boy,

you are nothing
but a big, fat cheater.

"Innocent"?
He had shifty eyes.

On the bright side,

I don't think we'll be invited

to any more golf weekends.

So this was all
part of your secret plan?

I'm just glad to be somewhere

where we won't be judged.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't
the worst parents ever.

You two should be in prison.

You're home early.

Who are these people?
Who are these children?

- Ah!
- Movie time.

What's it gonna be,
Slap Shot or Mighty Ducks?

Seriously, two hockey movies?
Those are my choices?

That's what happens
when you're grounded.

- But, mom...
- Keep it up,

and you watch both.

You're on thin ice.
Huh?

Sometimes, you get
used to playing certain roles.

Icebreaker, hey, buddy.

Maybe you're the ambitious one

or the smart one
or the inspiring one.

I'll be right back.

But you can't let

- those roles define you.
- Hello?

- Hey, Aunt Leigh.
- Oh. It's you.

Hey.

Want to come watch a movie?

I'll be right up.

He called the next day.

Oh!

Because if you're too caught
up in how other people see you,

you might forget
to stop and enjoy the view.

You know, I think
this is better than Fiji.

Well, you are my moon,
and I am the sea turtle

paddling across
the hot Polynesian sands--

- Oh, forget it.
- Uno!

Darn it.

Are they ever gonna leave?

What?
They paid for late checkout.

Sorry, I don't want
to get Yelped.