The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 10 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

Well, look who got another
one of Mom's care packages

forwarded from Portland.

When are you going to tell them
that you don't live in Portland?

When she learns to stop criticizing
me, so I guess when she's dead.

A few years back, I was planning to
move to Portland with a boyfriend.

Mom said we'd break up
as soon as we got there.

Wrong.
We broke up before we left.

Anyway, lemons to lemonade,

I thought the best thing to do was

to let Mom think I'd
moved 3,000 miles away.

- She's a nervous flyer.
- Leigh, you know I love you,



but I just don't understand
your problem with Beth.

- She's such a sweetheart.
- To you.

You're married to her favorite.

You know, at your wedding she said,
"I've always wanted a daughter."

No, I could've sworn she said
"another daughter."

After she called me her prince.
But you got a care package.

This isn't a care package.
It's a box of criticism...

Diet book, I'm fat.
Face cream, I'm wrinkly.

Word-a-day calendar,
double insult,

I don't know words or what day it is...
You guys can have this stuff.

- I don't want any of it.
- I'm taking the cookies!

Are those the ones with the fudge?

Well, maybe she'll bring you some
more when she's here for Thanksgiving.

They're coming here for Thanksgiving?
You guys always go there!



- What if I run into them?
- Here's a crazy notion...

speak to them like a normal person.

Or maybe I could get
a last-minute ticket to Barbados.

- That was my next suggestion.
- Hey, guys.

It's not a thing or anything, but
I saw that Graham got some cookies...

- I was just curious as to, like... why.
- Because he's a kid and you're 19.

Totally cool.
Yeah, I understand.

Dad said I could have one!

Why can't we tell him
we moved to Portland?

1x10 - "Thanksgiving"

- This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.
- It's 9:30. It hasn't even started yet.

It's the one holiday that I love,
and you guys are changing everything.

Since when do you like
going to Grandma and Grandpa's?

You complain the whole way down.

I'm a teenager.
I complain about stuff.

It doesn't mean I don't love it.
You guys are terrible.

So that means you love us, right?

All right. All packed.

By this afternoon, I'll be kicking
back, sipping daiquiris in Atlanta.

It's a last-minute ticket, guys.
It's mostly layovers.

Ooh, that reminds me,
I'm going to take your neck pillow.

Well, she's missing out.
It's gonna be a great Thanksgiving

with your amazing turkey,
and then afterwards,

we'll play a little
football in Central Park.

Yeah, really? You're gonna
play football again this year?

- Why not? I love football.
- I know you do, it's just...

your Dad pushes you too much.

Steve doesn't get that
it's harder for you.

Well, I don't know.
I kind of love that about him.

- He doesn't treat me with kid gloves.
- No, it's great. It's good.

So he gets fun football guy, and
then I get exhausted guy afterwards.

- It's not so bad.
- You fell asleep at dinner last year.

- Eh, turkey makes you sleepy.
- You hadn't carved it yet.

I had my head bowed, giving thanks...

- for 20 minutes.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, no football.
Anyway, you'll want me awake

for the post-thanksgiving festivities.

With a belly full of gravy?
Dream on.

I'm dreaming.

- Mom, Dad, you've got here quick!
- Happy turkey day!

Gobble, gobble, gobble!
I want that stuffing!

Okay, okay, Dad.
You're squeezing me too tight.

- I'm blacking out.
- Hi, guys!

Hi, honey!

Some of that, give me some of that.

Oh, honey. So great to see you.

- I love you. I love you.
- You guys are early.

- Like, six hours early.
- Well, we wanted to beat the traffic.

Yep, we beat the traffic.
You know what else we beat? The sun.

Well, you know, we got on the road,
there's nobody on the road.

You get on the road a
certain amount of time,

there's nobody...

- Leigh?
- Hey, I was just coming in the door...

- to surprise you.
- Hi, honey. What a nice surprise.

- So great to see you.
- Aw!

You look so beautiful.
Oh, I love you, I love you.

You flew all the
way here from Portland?

I did, which is why
I have all these bags.

That certainly explains that.

- Leigh, it's so great to see you.
- You haven't changed a bit.

Sweetie, how many
layovers did you have?

Because you look a little tired.

I hope you didn't buy anything
from that Skymall magazine.

'Cause I bought a rock from this
thing once to hide my keys under.

Now I can't find my damn keys.
Mikey, help me with this bag.

Excuse me, honey.

- Sorry.
- Try to keep up, Mikey.

Leigh, sweetie, this is what you pack

for New York in November? A bikini?

What can I say?
I'm an optimist.

Really? Even after everything?
Good for you.

Oh, look at this.
Everything's wrinkled. I'll fold it.

- What? Shh.
- Can you believe her?

I look tired, my folding's
not good, I'm a slut.

- She didn't say that!
- She will.

There's some stuff in my bag
that paints a picture.

- Leigh, your Mom is just trying to be nice.
- Easy for you to say.

You're not in the crosshairs
of her laser beam of help.

Well, if I were, I'd be grateful.

I think a laser beam of
help sounds kind of nice.

Okay, I straightened
out your clothes.

Looks like you're planning on having
a good time in New York.

And there it is.

You know, Mom,

Annie was just telling me
how much she would love

to have your help making dinner tonight.

- Weren't you just saying that to me?
- Yes! Yes, I was.

Unlike some other people,
I appreciate a little bit of help, Beth.

Let's start by whipping
this kitchen into shape.

You can't cook in a filthy kitchen.

- Uh... filthy?
- Enjoy.

You in here, Dad?
Oh, you remembered the football.

That's good.
Ugh...

You brought two. That's just weird.

So you ready to get
out there and play?

About that, Dad,
we're in the city this year.

Why don't we find some
other fun stuff to do?

What, like get our nails
done, try on some woman bras?

"Woman bras"?
"Bra" doesn't cover it?

Sweet! You got the pigskin out!

Are we gonna go do this or what?

- Since when do you like football?
- Are you kidding me?

I love this game.

I hate this game.
Every year I totally humiliate myself.

Not this time.
I found a how-to site online,

which taught me how to
throw a perfect spiral.

Just like... I want to say T-bow.

Is he the thrower guy?

Ian, maybe you can help.
Your Mom is trying to weasel out

- of playing football with me.
- Oh, well, she has to cook all day.

- He means me, son.
- Oh. Good one.

Where's a good place
to play in this big city?

It was clear Dad really
wanted to play football.

It was gonna be hard to say "no" to him.

Central Park. Central Park's good.

So, honey, how is Portland?

Portland?
Well, Portland...

all the mist from the ports,
rolling onto the land.

It's... breathtaking.

I've never been to Portland.

Ooh.
What are you making there?

Oh, I found this amazing recipe
for homemade cranberry sauce.

- It uses cloves for a savory note.
- Well, that sounds interesting.

- Yeah.
- It's just that...

turkey is already savory.

And do we really want to
put savory on top of savory?

- Yes?
- I'm sure it'll be great.

Do we have any of the
canned stuff as backup?

- Having fun yet?
- Okay, so she has some boundary issues,

but this isn't anything
that I can't handle.

Uh, Beth, we don't have need backup

because I planned a delicious meal

that does not call for
canned cranberry sauce.

What did you just say?
We always have canned cranberry sauce.

Don't worry, sweetie.

Your mother's making a
new weird cranberry sauce,

instead of the normal
American kind everyone loves.

- Well, you've ruined Thanksgiving.
- I thought I already ruined it.

You've ruined the ruined version
I was just getting used to.

Wow.
I haven't seen anyone that upset

since the big jam strike over at
the Portland artisanal jam factory.

Wow.

All right, just a sec.

Ring finger between
laces two and three...

Sorry, the ball I practiced with
had numbers on it.

Hips, elbow, shoulder, throw.

- Hips, elbow, shoulder... blitz!
- Whoa!

Easy with the cheap hits!
We're just rehearsing.

Well, Dad, this was great.

Nothing like a game of
football on Thanksgiving.

Yes, I promised I wasn't
gonna play this year.

And yes, I said we were gonna go

on a walking tour of the
Art Deco doors of New York,

but you know what, we actually had
a good time without overdoing it.

Well, that was a nice, little warm-up.

Now, we're gonna go for the real game.

- Say what now?
- The real game.

Something wrong with
your hearing, Linda?

Linda? That doesn't
even make any sense.

I mean, women don't lose their hea...
Anyway, this is New York, Dad.

It's a nice idea, but
you don't just go up

to strangers and ask
them for a pickup game.

- You guys are looking for a game?
- Um...

Yeah.
But you better watch your back,

because this guy is an animal!

Yeah, an animal who promised
his wife he wouldn't overdo it.

We're in so much trouble.

- Happy Thanksgiving!
- Is it?

- Always a pleasure, Eve.
- Mom's dinner is going to suck!

She's making real cranberry sauce
instead of buying the canned kind.

With real cranberries?
That's disgusting!

Those things grow in a bog.

What you need is the stuff
that takes the shape of the can.

You know, where it globs out all slow.

And it makes that... sound.

- The ridges lock in the flavor.
- That's what I'm saying.

Grab your coat.
We going can shopping.

Hmm.

Whoa!
Oh, that's too much salt.

That's a pinch, not a dash.

Maybe you should do prep.

Okay, so being on the
receiving end of Beth's

help was a little
rougher than I expected.

Whoa! A plastic cutting board?

Have you not heard of BPAs?

- I'll get my travel board.
- You pack a cutting board?

I tried to stand my ground,

but Beth may have gotten
in my head a little.

The...
the... the pot is boi...

Okay, she broke me.

Am I allowed to stir the potatoes, Beth?

Beth?

Cranberry sauce?

You can't buy cranberry
sauce on Thanksgiving.

You don't even have one can?

Chuck! Do we have
any cranberry sauce?

You can't buy cranberry
sauce on Thanksgiving.

- That's what I said!
- If you're not gonna bother selling

Thanksgiving stuff on Thanksgiving,
why are you even open?

For people who want to get a
jump on their Christmas shopping.

Did you tell them we
got plenty of candy canes?

I was about to!
Look, if you're on break,

then take your break, Chuck!
We have candy canes.

- Let's find a better store.
- A lot of judgment coming from the guy

who waited until the last minute
to buy cranberry sauce.

Hut! One Mississippi.

Hips, elbow, shoulder, throw.

Five, hips, elbow, shoulder, throw!

If you were throwing to the tree,
we'd have a touchdown.

That's quite a cannon you got.
You just gotta work on your aim a bit.

Oh, yeah? Maybe I gotta
work on your Mom's aim.

- What?
- Sorry.

I just... I've never
trash-talked before.

It's exhilarating.
Like your Mom.

I'm sorry, that's it. I promise.
I'm just pumped up. Just...

All right, here's the play...
you go out 5 yards,

you buttonhook, I'll pump-fake,

you run a fly route to the deep post.

All of this is gonna happen today?
Come on, Dad. I'm beat.

Come on, Mikey. Dig deep.

What kind of an example
are we setting for the boy?

I hope that's a girl
dog he's dancing with.

Again, with the...
they're not even the same species.

Come on, Dad, let's do this.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Mind if I call you stepson?
'Cause I'm about to marry your mother.

That's right, we've fallen in love.

It started out physical,
now it's so much more.

I'll never replace your Dad,
but you can come to me with whatever...

You know he hiked
the ball already, right?

- Oh!
- Go, Dad! Go!

Go, go, go, go!
Yeah!

Yeah, we did it!
You were right, Dad! Dad?

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Hey Dad, chest bump!
Oh, gee.

- Feeling better, Dad?
- I'm gonna call an ambulance.

No, no, no. I'm fine.

It's a little chest pain.
I get it from time to time.

You know, the Doctor says it's angina.

Angina... come on, you guys
aren't gonna run with that?

- Come on, you guys are weak.
- Seriously, you sure you're okay, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, but let's
keep it between us.

Let's not tell the ladies.
I don't want them to worry.

Graham, Graham!
Let's go.

All right, he's crazy.
If we're not calling an ambulance,

we're at least not walking home.

I'll call a cab, and
you just shove him in.

Ian had a point, but
I scored that touchdown

because my Dad didn't
treat me with kid gloves.

And I knew he'd want me
to treat him the same way.

Man wants to walk, let him walk.

All right, then, can I take a cab?
I think I broke something

when you ditched me
on the chest bump.

Hiding out from Mom?

No, no, I was just
straightening up the trash room.

I just can't relax until
I know the trash room...

- Does she know that I'm down here?
- Oh, sweetie, she broke you.

This is my home now.

I just couldn't handle it.

Mike left me all alone, went
for the longest walk in history.

I mean, how many Art
Deco doors can there be?

I was so looking forward to saying,

"I told you so," but now I just
want to give you a hug.

- After you've taken a thorough shower.
- I'm so sorry, Leigh. I get it now.

You can fake live in Portland
for as long as you want to.

I do love it there.

They're opening an elevated trail
for recumbent bicycles...

- I can't... I can't turn it off.
- I know.

Okay, we've been to
five stores, and nothing.

I guess we should just stop.

Yeah, absolutely. Let's go back.

- I don't want to stop.
- Me neither.

I know it started out
as just cranberry sauce,

but I feel like it's becoming a symbol.

I mean, maybe as a people,
we have a greater need for...

- Found some.
- I'll be damned. There she is.

We couldn't. Could we?

This is totally okay.
We put all these cans in, take one out,

- we're morally in the clear.
- I agree.

- We can hold our heads high.
- Yeah.

You just make sure
no one else sees us.

Excuse me.
What are you doing?

It's fine. We put a bunch
of other cans in here first.

Chickpeas, soup...

Listen, this stuff is mostly
sugar and food coloring.

Do you really want
needy people to eat that?

I don't know.
This seems a little strange.

Oh, all right, padre.
I know the dance.

Would a $100 donation make it right?

200?

- We'll make it 3.
- "We"?

- That's very generous.
- Yeah.

Fine, but I'm gonna take that corn too.

- Is there a draft in here?
- I-I don't know. I don't feel one.

Well, you're probably kept warm
by that extra winter coat.

- Hey, smells good.
- Finally. That was a long walk.

Yeah, while we were out,
we just thought

we'd check out some
Art Nouveau doors too.

Well, we're just about to eat.
Mikey, can you and Ian move the table

into the living room?
I'm feeling a draft.

- We have a draft?
- I don't know, Mike.

I can't even tell anymore.
This entire day has been...

- Annie!
- I have to go.

- Let's move the table.
- Absolutely.

Whoa, don't you at least want
to take the dishes off first?

Maybe if we were in
France, but we're men.

- Yes!
- They have men in France, you know.

Okay, Grandpa, I'm taking over.

Hey, show some respect.
We're lifting a table,

we're not doing kegel exercises, muffy.

More of this? It is so hard to be a
feminist in this family. Move over.

- Get your own table.
- Guys, you're pushing me into the couch.

- Steve, what are you doing?
- Going over the top.

- Grandpa, let go!
- I'm on the sofa, guys. I'm on the sofa.

- Well, the plates are off the table.
- Ian, what's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?
Grandpa keeled over playing football,

you're trying to make him move a table?

- Keeled over?
- Football?

When I say "cran," you say "berry!"

- Cran...
- Oh.

Damn it, Eve. We rehearsed this.

Berry.

We could all eat
out of this gravy boat.

It's bad enough you played football,
but you tried to keep it a secret.

Some of us didn't
try very hard... Ian.

Remind me not to go
to Vegas with that guy.

You know, Steve, you're supposed
to take it easy after the surgery.

What? Surgery?
What surgery? What...

- Just a little laparoscopic thing.
- Yeah, in your heart.

Come on.
It's time for you to lie down.

So you snuck out and played football,

even though your father
has a heart condition.

In my defense, I didn't know

about the heart condition
until after the football.

Okay, at which point you decided
to move the heaviest

- piece of furniture we own?
- That China cabinet's no slouch, honey.

- Mike.
- He's my Dad.

He never coddled me.

And I don't think he
wants me to coddle him.

We just expect the best from each other.

He's a 70-year-old man, Mike.

There's a difference
between high expectations

and ignoring reality.

Swimsuit edition?
Not sure that's good for your ticker.

Smartass.

You know, Dad, when I was diagnosed,

a lot of people treated me differently,
but you never did.

- I didn't wanna underestimate you.
- I know, and I appreciate that.

So when you had your,
uh, thing in the park,

I wanted to do the same for you.

But the truth is, there's a difference
between underestimating someone

and coming to terms with reality.

- My heart twinge was nothing.
- No, it was "not" nothing,

any more than this...
is from too much coffee.

Look.

You're my boy.

And I just hate that...

we used to be so good at football.

I know...

and it sucks.

But it's okay to say that out loud.

And hey, we can take
solace in the fact that

we're both still better than Ian.

'Cause he sucks!

Every family has its own playbook.

Some plays get run over and over again.

Okay.
Crisis averted.

Tomorrow we reorganize your closets.

- Oh, Mom, she can't.
- I can't?

- No.
- No.

- Why not?
- You're taking me to the airport, remember?

All day.
I bought a last-minute ticket,

so now I have to fly out of Boston.

Boston? Leigh, honestly.

I told you, you have to
book months in advance.

- Thank you.
- Did you lose that calendar I sent you?

'Cause there's a
word-a-day in there.

The plays we like the
most, we call traditions.

Thanks, Harris.
This really means a lot to me.

- Oh, what's that?
- My homemade cranberry sauce.

Are those cloves?
It smells amazing.

Wait a minute. What?
Are you serious?

But eventually, you come up
against a new situation.

That's when you're
forced to call an audible.

- Mr. Henry?
- No. No, thanks.

Ooh...

The trick is to let the
playbook change over time.

That, and be thankful for your wins.

All right. Who wants turkey?

Oh!

It's okay. I got it.

- Is this knife dull?
- It's already dead, Mike.

You don't have to kill it again.