The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Hobbies - full transcript

Graham, would you put that
thing away and set the table?

I'm in the middle of a race.

- Do I bother you when you're driving?
- Constantly.

The other day, you put
your hands over my eyes.

Since Mike's been back at work,
afternoons have been crazy.

I have to watch Graham, grade papers,
and make dinner...

Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and alternate Saturdays.

- I got Thai food. Damn it.
- Oh, it was Tuesdays, Saturdays,

- and alternate Thursdays.
- It worked on paper.

We just lost the paper.

Oh, no, no, it's great.
Pizza and Thai food.



There's probably no reason
those two have never been combined.

You know, I don't wanna alarm you,
but our son has become a zombie.

I had to give him that game earlier
to keep him off of me.

You weren't there.
You don't know what it was like, man.

Are you talking
about Graham or Vietnam?

We need to restore order, Mike,
and the first job needs to be

getting Graham into a
new after-school activity.

Chelsea Piers is
starting a hockey program.

- We could sign him up for that.
- Hockey?

You just want him to do hockey
because you like hockey.

No, I want him to do hockey
'cause I think he'd be good at it.

Do you really want him getting
roughed up by a bunch of thugs?

I mean, he's such a creative kid.
I was thinking maybe... pottery.

Oh, that'll keep him
safe from the thugs.



Oh, pottery is so great.
You get your hands dirty.

You're workin' the earth on your wheel.

You're just spinnin' your cares away.

Annie has seen the movie
Ghost too many times.

Okay, name a sexier
pottery scene, I dare you.

Name any other pottery scene.

Look, I just think we should
have one kid who's athletic.

I mean, we let Eve and Ian
slip through our fingers.

- They're a couple of duds.
- Ian's not so bad.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.
Hey, son, heads up.

Whoa! Dad!
That is a Florida navel.

- Have you lost your damn mind?
- Well, at least he knows his produce.

All right, we don't have to worry
about Graham right now, okay?

Maybe we will find a third thing
that we both like.

Third thing. I like that.

In the meantime, let's have
dinner... and other dinner.

Who wants quesadillas?
Damn it.

And the other dinner...

1x04 - Hobbies

Look at that, we didn't
even touch the quesadillas.

And since they're technically
still my property...

Oh, hey, I don't have
Twitter on my phone.

- No, that's my phone.
- We have the same cases?

Twinsies.

How awesome is one direction?

- Oh, mine's ironic.
- At being lame?

Oh, hey, you got a tweet,

and it is not nice.
Who is "iwentthere98"?

It's Lisa Mitchell.

She's this horrible girl from school.

She started a Twitter war
with me all because I said

- I liked her mom jeans.
- Mom jeans.

Lame.
Are these mom jeans?

The thing is, I actually liked them.
They used to camouflage ships

so you couldn't tell if
they were coming or going.

Those pants were like that.
- Well, you should tweet that,

or something where you
don't sound like a boat nerd.

Here gi... gi...
give me that thing.

Let me show you how this is done.

- Hardly working?
- Oh, no, I'm... I'm...

I'm researching a piece about
how hockey is better than pottery.

We talked about broad appeal, Mike,
but, damn, you swimmin' away from shore.

Okay, to tell you the truth,
I'm tryin' to get Graham into hockey,

and Annie's pushing for pottery.

My little cousin got into pottery.
A year later,

- they found him dead in Mexico.
- That's what I'm saying.

Well, that's not
exactly what I'm saying,

but I'll keep that
argument in my back pocket.

Hey, I've been meaning to talk to you
about the anchor position.

Harris, I told you when I took this
job, I-I'm not interested in anchor.

I'm... I'm just happy being
a part-time correspondent.

- Right, and...
- Although I'm flattered

that you thought of me,
and I'm not just saying that

because I'm holding out for more money.

Although, is there a number?
There's always a number.

Hey, I'm not offering
you the gig, Mike.

- I need you as a reporter.
- Who said I wanted the gig?

I'm trying to tell you that I'm hiring
Susan Rodriguez-Jones.

- Suzy Jones?
- Mm-hmm.

She's a devil woman.

Suzy Jones was my field
producer in Orlando.

One day, she left me
stranded in the Everglades

when she "accidentally" took
my airboat to cover my story.

- But wasn't she the one who found you?
- 17 hours later, after she did her nails.

She turned my rescue into
a national story to...

- to push her own career.
- Aw, Mike, you're a man of integrity,

but when you start
talking about that swamp,

you sound straight-up cuckoo bananas.

I killed a water
moccasin with my bare hands.

Oh! Michael Henry.

- Suzy Jones.
- Suzy Rodriguez-Jones.

Oh, gosh, you haven't aged a day.

What, did you make
a deal with the devil?

You tell me.

Hey, Harris.
I'm not officially here.

I'm just overseeing
the delivery of my desk.

I hope this isn't too weird for you.

I mean, the fact that
I used to be the intern,

and now I'm... I'm moving
into the corner office,

and I've got the big, mahogany desk

- that Walter Cronkite gave to me.
- Gave to you?

I'd like to hear Walter's
side of the story.

Although we never will.
How convenient.

Hey, you could probably curl up in
one of the drawers, take a little nap.

I'm kidding.
Hey, I'll see you tomorrow, guys.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw you implying
that she killed Walter Cronkite.

17 hours in the 'Glades, Harris.
I drank a loafer full of swamp water.

- There were tadpoles in there.
- A tadpole?

Something was
wiggling around in there.

Look, the details aren't important.

What's important is
she left me on purpose.

- You gotta believe me.
- I believe you.

Do you believe me "believe me"?
Or do you just believe me out of loyalty?

Don't pick at the scab.

We need a better system.

Work was a mess.
Home life was a mess.

I just really needed a win.

Walking while playing a video game.
Wow. You're an animal.

That's the kind of
hand-eye coordination

that makes for a
natural-born hockey player.

- Really?
- Sort of.

Hey, since you brought up hockey,

what do you say we sign
you up for a youth league?

- Okay.
- Great.

- And tell mom it was your idea.
- As long as it's not on Tuesdays.

- That's when I have pottery class.
- What?

Mom says it was my idea.

Pottery? What happened
to the third thing?

I know, I'm sorry, and I
was feeling so bad about it

- until I found this.
- Well, that's actually my helmet, so...

Oh, okay,
it's your brand-new, tiny helmet

for a sport you haven't played in years.

My bad.
Let's see it on you, just for fun.

Well, I-I can see how
that would be fun, but...

but I-I have news hair right now.

- If the helmet fits, I must acquit.
- Fine.

So any time you feel like apologizing...

Fine.
I bought him the helmet

on the off chance that he
might wanna play hockey.

But you enrolled him. Enrolled.

I had to, the pottery
class was filling up.

- There's no way that's true.
- What's done is done.

Let's just chalk it up to
"you snooze, you lose."

Better yet, why don't I sign
Graham up for hockey, he does

both, and we let him decide for
himself which one he likes best?

- Okay, you're on. Best hobby wins.
- Honey, this is about Graham.

- It's not a competition.
- I'm sorry.

If it were a
competition, I'd crush you.

Hey, dad, heads up.

If that were a grapefruit,
we'd be dead by now.

It's a lot better than
that pottery smock, isn't it?

Smell this, that's the
best it's ever gonna smell.

I can't move.
It's like I'm wearing another guy.

Aw, you'll get used to it.
Wait till you take your first slap shot.

It's addicting.
It's like crack,

which is not a thing, by the way.

Whoa, Mike Henry.
Finally, a dad with some skills.

You know, we could really
use some help out here.

I mean, if you're up to it.

Well, it's been a while.
I don't know if I can still play.

Coast to coast, baby.
Taste it, Greg!

Actually, I move much better on the ice.

If only I lived on an ice planet,
I'd... I'd be emperor.

Impressive.
You scored on our weakest kid.

You said I had potential!

Aidan, out of the net.
Kids, get off the ice!

Today, we learn... by watching.

It's my cosmo article,
the one on side-boob.

The computer just lost it.

It's the only thing
I've written all month.

Don't worry. The Doctor is in.

All right, open trash, drag icon,

- and system hacked.
- Ian, you're a genius.

I have had this crazy
case of writer's block.

I-I-I ca... I just...
I can't find my voice,

And this article was gonna be the thing

that pulled me out of my slump.

- Oh, it's garbage. Trash it.
- Oh.

Thanks a lot, Aunt Leigh.

That tweet you had me
send totally backfired.

Iwentthere98
has been flaming me all day.

Check it out.

Whoa, she really went there... 98.

- Let me see.
- Wha...

Oh, good one. Mm, too mean.

This one isn't even factually accurate.

That would never fit in there.
Would it?

With practice...

in her last tweet, she
said that I run weird.

And now, everyone at school is
calling me "the self-butt-kicker."

I guess online, you can just say
anything, even if it's not true.

Wait, it's true?

Sweetie, why do you think
your butt hurts when you run?

- I quit Twitter!
- Eve, no.

Ian, that's terrible.
It's like this.

Oh.
You guys doing Eve's run?

Yeah.

So these muffins are
just a small way of saying

how happy I am to be
joining the NBC4 family.

So thank you.

Can't believe she's still going
by Susan Rodriguez-Jones.

She married an underwear
model for six weeks

- so she could seem more multi-culti.
- Oh, suck it up, Mike.

We all gotta make sacrifices
now that Susan's on board.

Anchors get the executive bathroom.

That's been my go-to for weeks.

You're right, I'm gonna
say a few words of welcome.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Susan. Nice speech.

Thank you. Very...
very... very touching.

Um, I wanna say you've come
a long way since the 'Glades.

I am so glad you
brought up the old days.

I need to come clean
about something, everyone.

The whole reason I even have
a career today is because...

I had the absolute good fortune
of working under Mike Henry.

Mm, I am so glad
I found you in that swamp.

If you think about it,

I had to save you
so that you could save me, Mike.

I don't know. Should I clap or not?

No.

Yeah, you called it.
She's a devil woman.

Oh, Mike, just one more thing.

You think anyone gives a damn
about the 'Glades, ass clown?

The 'Glades are a thing
of the past, like you.

This is my station now,
and if you cross me again,

I will take you some place
where I will never find you,

or my name isn't
Susan Rodriguez-Jones.

It isn't.

It isn't, you know.

- Here you go, Mike.
- Yes!

Yes!

It felt good to blow off some steam.

But more importantly, it...
it felt good to inspire Graham.

And that's called
a give-and-go.

It'll be a staple of your
game when you're ice-ready.

In the meantime, eyes on me.

Why don't you try the mud cutter?
Or the aftosa edger?

- Or how about this little pokey guy?
- I think I like hockey better.

No, no, no, no.
No, you're not a hockey kid.

You're creative, like me.

If you really get into this,

we could clear out the crafting room
and actually craft in there.

Maybe I'd like it
more if you show me.

- I learn better by watching.
- Okay, I can do that.

Okay.

Looking good, Mom.
I'm learning already.

You gotta be kidding me.

Mm.

- Wow, that's big for a Tuesday.
- Just feelin' free.

- Graham make that in pottery class?
- Yeah, made it with his boy hands.

I know he's only eight, but yikes.

Really? I-I think it's pretty
good for someone of any age.

Well, at least he has hockey.
He likes that.

Oh, he's loving pottery too.
You know, he's just loving it, and...

it's really promising, and...
it's leaking.

I'm glad you guys are here.

I've been working on a new run.
Do you have a second to take a look?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Okay.

Are you gonna go any faster?

In time.
It's been a day. God!

So there I am, single-handedly trying

to stop a drive-by shooting in east L.A.

Now, no reporter wants to be
the subject of their own story, right?

- But this was about saving lives.
- She's playing all of you.

You know, the other day,
she practically admitted

she left me stranded in the swamp.

Uh-huh.
Was that before or after

she tearfully told the whole office

that you were the
greatest man since Gandhi?

- It was after.
- Bam!

And then the van winged me,

and I went down, right
through the window

of a local taqueria.

And that is why I have no
feeling in my left hand.

Really? That's...
that's an amazing story.

No feeling? No feeling at all?

- Just like a dead fish?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- Oh, well, here.

- Oh.
- Wow.

- That proves that.
- Mm.

- Guess I'll just be on my way.
- Okay.

- Hey!
- I know... I know it hurts right now.

Yeah, no, maybe you need
to work from home today.

Oh, no, a good investigative
reporter takes big swings,

- even if he has tiny, little arms.
- No, let me give it another shot.

No stone unturned. Nice work, sir.

Ow!

- Look at that.
- Motherfu...

- Hey, doll, have you seen Eve?
- Oh, she's still at yearbook.

I wonder who's gonna get robbed
for "best eyes" this year.

I grabbed her phone by mistake again.

Good news, I put
iwentthere98 in her place.

Oh, yeah.
I threw her some major shade.

The words just flowed from me.

So maybe I was a little frustrated
from this writer's block,

and maybe I was taking
it out on a teenager.

But in my defense, I didn't know her.

Lisa "Bitchell" will not
be messing with Eve anymore.

- "Lisa Bitchell"?
- Her real name's Lisa Mitchell.

"Mitch" rhymes with "bitch"?
I can't turn it off.

Oh, I know what her real name is.
Lisa Mitchell is a real-life bully.

- She even beat up a guy last year.
- Seriously?

Yeah. But it doesn't say
anything about the guy she beat up.

It says more about her.
Lisa fights dirty.

We have to warn Eve.
I'll... I'll call her.

How are you gonna call her?
You have her phone.

Crap.
Well, maybe she has my phone.

I'll call me.
Just give me the phone!

No time to assign blame.
We have to get goin'.

We have to get to Eve's school.
Lisa's probably waiting outside

the language lab so she can chop Eve
in the throat or something.

- Run!
- Huh.

Hockey may knock your teeth out,

but pottery breaks your heart.

I had no right to keep Graham
in an activity that he wasn't enjoying.

And then, I found a way
to support him for real.

The poor little guy forgot his skates.

Well, you're right about Susan.
Her hand is very much alive,

- and she's a crazy, crazy liar.
- Yes, finally, someone believes me.

You know we can't have a conniving
liar in the anchor chair, so...

- Oh, she's not going anywhere.
- What?

She stapled her hand, Mike,
and sucked up the insane

amount of pain she was
feeling for seven minutes.

That's the kind of cold-blooded crazy
that's gonna put us back on top.

She's gonna bring
down the entire station.

Look, anyone can staple their hand.
I mean, look.

Okay, I'm...
I'm a moving target.

Ah, here, I'll hold my hand.
You staple.

- It's a two-man job.
- Oh, leave it in the 'Glades, Mike.

- I'll help! I've got a staple gun.
- Whoa!

I hope we're not too late.

There she is!

She learned how to run.

She's running.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- But she still got caught.
- Ah.

We have a zero-tolerance
policy for fights at our school.

And as far as those Twitter comments go,

- completely unacceptable.
- But I didn't write them.

- I did.
- What?

I'm so sorry, Eve. I-I was just
trying to get your back, so...

Do you really expect me
to believe that a grown woman

came up with all those childish insults?

Childish? I'd say clever.
"Thigh-ly" Cyrus?

- "Little miss can't-get-dong"?
- She can't.

I mean, she could, if she wanted to.

It's her body.
It's her wonderland.

You know, the Principal's
talking, guys, focus up.

Well, if you actually did
write those tweets, I am appalled.

Well, be appalled,
because I wrote all of them.

All of them!
Oh, my god, I wrote all of them.

I finally found my voice.
It's bitchy teen!

- There you are.
- Hey.

Graham, I am so sorry
that I forced you to do pottery.

Clearly, you love hockey.

Now, why don't you get out
there and show me what you got?

I don't need those.

- What?
- We learn by watching.

The dads are playing.

- Wife!
- Wife.

Hey, honey.

Sorry, Mike.

- You know, I may never kiss again.
- Don't be a baby.

The upside is, all that
time at hockey practice

made Graham really good
at his driving game.

Yeah, well, don't feel bad.
That's all he did at pottery too.

- I made that vase.
- That vase from yesterday?

That vase I loved?

You know, all this started
because we thought Graham needed

something, but I'm starting to think,
like, maybe we needed something.

You're right, we can't
force Graham to be like us.

We should ask him what he wants to do.

Yeah, and if he says, "video games,"
we just tell him to make another choice.

Hey, where is that vase by the way?

Oh, the leaky one?
I put that in the trash.

I-I may have a use for it.

Sometimes, it's tempting to step in and
try to live your kids' lives for them.

But when you let them be themselves,

not only is it good for them,

it frees you up to focus on yourself

and deal with your own problems.

Aw.
This is sweet.

Cronkite's desk!

Oh.
Oh, no. Oh.