The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 3 - Art - full transcript

Great meal, Annie.
I know I said that last night

- but tonight, I really mean it.
- That's what you said last night.

- I've gotta stop talking so much.
- Last time I ate this well,

I was dating that sous chef
at cookshop. Michelle.

No, wait. Chelsea. Yeah.

No, she lived in Chelsea!

- Sounds like that was built to last.
- Oh, she's still in the rotation.

That's what every girl wants, to
be a nameless cog in your sex machine.

Oh, well, when you say it like that,

it's more like, "will you
be a cog in my sex machine?"

- Sign me up.
- The dishwasher's throwing up.



- Leigh, you used the wrong soap!
- Is there more than one?

Oh, God. It's everywhere!

If that was Parkinson's, we're cool.
If not, what the hell, Dad?

You've been texting the whole meal.

It's Reese, it seems
like all we do is argue now

about what movie to see, how
to use hashtags on Twitter.

You know, who hangs up
first used to be a game.

- Now, it's a serious discussion.
- Ian, when it comes to women,

there's six words you gotta remember:
"You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry."

Ah. That's one way to go.

But why would you say you're sorry
if you're not sorry?

It's just easier. Sometimes,
you win the fight by losing it.

So it's okay to lie?

Sounds like someone
wants to be a news reporter.



Why don't you go in my room
and get my tape recorder?

And that's how you dodge a question.

Hey, sweetie. Where you been?

I thought your photography
class was over at six.

It was, but I walked home,
and I couldn't stop taking pictures.

I saw this plastic bag
just dancing on the breeze.

So I moved it out of the way
and took a picture of the building,

which reminds me: Do you want
to go to MoMA this weekend?

You wanna go to a museum with me?

Just the two of us?
At the same time?

Well, yeah, I'm not gonna make
you stand in another room and

pretend you don't know me.
This isn't my 14th birthday party.

Eve's been a whole new
person since she started

taking photography at
the community center.

- She smiles. She laughs.
- At first, we thought it was drugs.

But it... it turns out she can feel.

I still have to choose
photos for my class project,

but I'm having the hardest
time narrowing it down.

Maybe we can help.

I'm not really sure this
is gonna be your thing.

Eve, it's art.
We're arty. No judgment.

- Come on.
- Come on. Great.

I'm really looking forward
to seeing your nudes.

- Oh, my.
- Interesting.

- Wow.
- Ooh.

- Holy cow.
- Male nudes.

Totally naked, nude men...
naked, nude men.

- Oh, well, he's wearing a hat.
- Yeah, there's a healthy fella.

- Wha... what's his name?
- I don't know.

They're just models
that came into our class.

It's nice of them
to provide naked men

to come and expose themselves to you.

I knew you were gonna
be worried about this.

We're not weird. Wha...
I mean, come on, Eve.

Look who you're talking to.
We are progressive people.

- We're full-frontal progressive.
- We were just taken a back by... by...

- by your talent.
- There's a lot of talent here!

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, great.
Thanks for being so cool, guys.

You know, I'm impressed.

Ohh...

That guy's not normal, right?
She's using a special lens for that?

1x03 - "Art"

Okay, should I just chuck
the rest of this bratwurst?

- Definitely.
- All right, we need to talk about this.

We can't have our daughter hanging out

in a room full of nude men,
at least not until college.

Or... and this is
just a thought... never!

But she's been such a delight
since she started taking that class.

You know, the other day,
she complimented me on my briefcase.

- I went into the bathroom and cried.
- It's like after all these years,

she's finally treating us
like we're the cool parents.

All right, we have to
shut this down delicately,

- or she'll go right back to being 'old Eve'.
- 'Old Eve' is the worst.

I'll tell you what. I'll talk to her.

She wants to be an artist?
I'll treat her like an artist.

- Besides, you know how you get.
- What do you mean, Mike?

What, you think I can't
sit her down calmly

and look her in the... You know what?
Okay, I am hearing that now.

Harris, wait!
There's something I wanna ask you.

- It's kinda personal.
- Look, man. None of those ads work.

- You've got what you got.
- No, it's... Seriously?

So "guaranteed results" means nothing?

- Mm-mm.
- But no. I saw you disagree with my Dad.

What do you think I
should do about Reese?

I don't wanna get involved, man.

But, you know, dating shouldn't be
that hard. It's like buying a car.

Choose something dependable
and keep it forever.

- So I should propose.
- No!

Uh-uh. Test drive as many
as you can. You're young.

Why fix a beater when there
are other cars on the lot?

Look, say you need space.
Then walk away.

It looks like this.

Bye.

Luke, I am your father.

- Graham, what the hell?
- It's not my fault.

If this is broken, you're dead.

You know you're not supposed
to play in the hallway.

- You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry.
- Well...

I guess it was just an accident.
Can the Empire Strike Back in your room?

Dad was right.
It's like I learned a Jedi mind trick.

Now, you're gonna delete this.

Looking at pictures, huh?
You know what I like about art?

The way it leaves certain
things to the imagination.

Exactly. It's all about subtext.

Some people look at this,
and all they see is a naked man.

- Idiots.
- But what they're really seeing

is a subversion of the artistic
paradigm that objectifies women.

Well, hat's off to you,
except on that guy.

Although, you know, sometimes...
and hear me out on this...

wouldn't it be more subversive
to do something less edgy?

- In what way?
- Well, when I was a kid, I played

lead guitar in a garage band,
and all we played was heavy metal.

You used to play guitar?
Why did you quit?

My parents made me.
They wanted me to play piccolo.

- But the point is...
- Piccolo? Ugh, piccolo sucks.

- Guitar is way cooler.
- That's what I said.

I mean, piccolo is
basically like a tiny flute.

- I wanted to play real-sized things.
- Of course you did, and you should've.

That's why it's...
it's so great that you get it.

- What do I get?
- My art. Me.

You know what?
I'm gonna dedicate my project to you.

I'll call it "Dad's piccolo."

Oh, don't call it that!

I just graded 74 papers on
"The Scarlet Letter",

and all but two of them
refer to a scene,

- that is only in the movie.
- So let me guess. 2 "A"s and 72 "B"s.

Well, I gave a "C" to the girl
who called the main character "Demi."

- How'd your talk with Eve go?
- Well, it was, uh... it, um...

Uh... wha...

- What did you do?
- I did nothing. I literally did nothing.

I-I-one minute, I'm talking
to her about being less edgy.

And the next minute, she's
dedicating the project to me.

I knew I should've done this!

- You love them too much.
- I do. It's a real problem.

You know, my parents would've just said,

"You have to stop because we said so."

I hated it when my parents used
"Because I said so."

That is exactly what I'm gonna say
when I put them in a home.

Well, that's clearly not an option.

Okay, I got it.
She is going to stop on her own

because I am going
to scare her straight.

She needs to hear the
story of Carley Steiner.

- Who's Carley Steiner?
- She's a girl I went to high school with,

and she cut off all of her
hair in a performance piece.

And then when it grew back,
it was all stumpy and weird.

I'm gonna jazz it up a little
and throw some heroin in there.

Oh, that'll work. That will work.

Thanks for joining
me on such short notice.

Um, are you hungry?
I could scare up some soup.

I had to be a man and just tell Reese
in simple terms that it was over.

A relationship is like a car.

And even with regular maintenance
and routine oil changes,

a tire can still fly off,
and you crash into a tree.

- Okay.
- I guess what I'm trying to say is

that you don't want to
drive the same car forever.

Unless it's a foreign
model, which you're not.

You're from Dallas.

And no one's saying you
don't have a good grill...

Are you breaking up with me?

I'm sorry. I-I just...
I need my own space.

Now technically, I would
get up and walk away,

but you're in my room, so...

And to think I lent
you my skinny jeans.

Hashtag: What a jerk.

Hashtags are for
topics, not opinions.

Now that I knew the six magic words,
I could do anything.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you

the world's longest crazy straw.

Okay, third time's a charm.

Graham.
Have you lost your mind?

Your parents are gonna
give me this rug one day.

- This isn't double dare.
- You're right. I'm wrong.

- I'm sorry.
- God, you're such a cutie.

All right, one more time,
and then you have to clean it up.

I'm gonna pour.

- Hey, Reese.
- Oh, hey, Aunt Leigh,

- except you're not my Aunt anymore.
- Never was. Is everything all right?

- Ian just broke up with me.
- What? Why?

- Are we gonna do this or what?
- I-I don't know.

It was like I was
talking to someone else.

- He compared me to a used car!
- Honey, that's awful.

- Foreign or domestic?
- Domestic.

Honey, that's awful.

I can't believe my own
nephew would be so heartless.

- You know what you have to do.
- Learn from this and grow stronger?

No.
You have to teach him a lesson.

Ian has to learn that he
can't treat women like this.

- Who is his hottest friend?
- Albino Tim.

Oh, jeez. This is gonna be hard.

So there was this entire patch
in the back that was just gone,

and that is where Carlene
would inject the heroin.

It was awful.
I mean, one day, she was this sweet girl

with a bright future. And then, she was...
What are you doing?

Oh, sorry. This story
is just making you come alive.

- I've gotta capture it. Keep going.
- Uh, okay, so things got really bad

in the 90s because heroin
was coming back in style

- just as hats were going out...
- Lean back a little.

The light is going crazy
on your face right now.

- Good crazy?
- And put your arm up like this.

Eve, I'm not gonna put my...
Up like that?

Yeah.

Oh, I love it.
Mom, you look great.

Don't mind me.
Just pretend I'm not here.

You're beautiful. You're a natural.
Now, lose the top.

And you're meeting with
the parking authority later,

so you probably wanna move
your Tesla from the lobby.

Kay, it's the perfect crime.
I don't have to pay for parking,

and it's a car that
people think they can win.

Harris. Harris. Oh.

I need your advice about Reese.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me, man.
This is my place of business.

I did what you told me to do,
and I broke up with her.

And now, I can't stop
thinking about her.

- I can't eat. I can't sleep.
- It's been one day.

Well, I know a thing or two
about unrequited love.

You see, there's this correspondent
here who's like a mentor to me...

- Kay.
- He just inspires me so much.

- He's overcome so many obstacles.
- Are you talking about my Dad?

Kay, let me introduce
you to Mike Henry's son.

Mike Henry?
Sorry, that does not ring a bell.

What's that, Gail?
Oh, it's in the cabinet.

- All right. Make it quick.
- She sent me this text message.

"Thanks for the picnic, Tim."

"Sorry we laid out in the sun so long."

This is the third girl
Albino Tim has snaked from me.

You know, damn him and
his mysterious red eyes.

- I just wanna...
- Oh, come on.

You seriously fell for this?

Has Reese ever sent you
a accidental text before today?

- No.
- All right, the fake text.

It's a classic jilted woman move.
She wasn't with Tim.

- So just stop worrying and get out there.
- Wow, you're so right. God.

Oh, hey, do you know where I can buy
a raffle ticket for that car downstairs?

- You can buy them from me.
- Harris was right.

I had to put Reese in my rearview...

God, dating really lends
itself to car metaphors.

Anyway, it was time to set sail
to a new island alone.

♪ When I get out of bed ♪
♪ you know I miss you ♪

♪ when I'm right in my car ♪
♪ you know I miss you ♪

♪ in a traffic jam ♪
♪ you know I miss you ♪

How'd it go with Eve?

Well, she's not taking
pictures of naked men anymore.

I knew it. You
should've gone in first.

You're the closer.
You're the closer.

I don't know why they
don't send in closers first.

Well, what can I say, Mike, you know?

I just went in there.
I rolled up my sleeves.

I took off my shirt, and...
Oh, my god, Mike.

I messed up.
I messed up real bad.

- You posed for her?
- She said I would be in shadow!

But I don't know, man, it
seemed really light in there.

Mom, I just hung up your photo.

I went with the ones that
were a little more in focus

because I think it's
important for people to see

what women really look like.

Wait, wait. People?
More than one people?

Oh, yeah. This is my best work.
I've gotta put her in the show.

- Uh, eh, show?
- Yeah.

The art show at the
community center tomorrow.

Dad's piccolo is going to be huge.

New name, Eve!
New name!

Ok, you know what?

This is what we get for
being progressive parents.

Ian is a drop-out, and
Eve is a pornographer now.

- What the hell happened in there, Annie?
- I don't know.

I just...
I get caught up in the moment.

I understand how women
end up in Playboy.

- I get it. It's a rush.
- All right, we tried being cool.

We gotta just tell her flat-out
that picture's gotta come down.

But Mike, it was like for an instant,

I had a daughter and
not some judgmental,

skinny enemy. I don't wanna
go back to garbage Eve.

Garbage Eve, it sounds like the night
before some horrible holiday.

Okay, we've exhausted every avenue.
There's only one option left to us.

Art heist.

- Art heist?
- Art heist.

Okay, the only thing
crazier than that is...

Getting naked in front
of your teenage daughter?

Yeah, you're right.
Okay, let's do this.

Where do you keep the
wrong soap for the dishwasher?

- I don't know. By the sink, I think.
- Thanks.

- Reese wants her skinny jeans back.
- I don't know where they are.

- You're using them as a blanket.
- These are Mom's jeans.

If that were true, it'd be
even creepier. Give me those.

Ian, I know you're hurting right now,

but maybe this will teach
you to be nicer to girls.

- I should've never taken Harris' advice.
- What?! Harris' advice?

You play your cards right,
I'll take you up to my rooftop.

But you're gonna have
to hold onto me tight.

I'm a little scared of heights.

- There he is. You.
- Oh, Ian.

- What are you doing to me, man?
- He dumped his girlfriend because of you.

He compared her to a used car.
Do you know how hurtful that is?

- Why'd you have to tell her that?
- I didn't.

- Aunt Leigh, how'd you know about that?
- The poor girl was devastated.

- When did you talk to Reese?
- Oh, I know.

Right before she told her
to send you that fake text.

I should've known.
Classic jilted woman move.

Maybe women wouldn't feel so jilted

if guys like you would
quit playing games.

- Am I right?
- Don't listen to her, Chelsea.

- I live in Chelsea!
- Oh.

I... Oh.

Thanks a lot. I pretended
to like quinoa for that woman.

Harris, you think you're so smooth,
but women can see

- right through your act.
- It's not an act.

I have the utmost respect
for what's her name.

Oh, it's Michelle.

That's it.
I'll fix this right now.

Damn, six Michelles on my phone.

Would you say she was
an eight or a seven?

- She was a ten.
- So seven, thanks.

- Give me that phone.
- Hey.

- Give me that...
- Don't touch it like that.

You guys are less mature than I am.

- And to think I let you be my mentor.
- Oh, you didn't let me do anything.

- And you followed me to work.
- Contacts?

God, no.
All Michelles are done.

- Oh.
- Delete.

Oh, you just... Oh.

Hey, Brenda?

I cannot believe we are doing this.

Honey, it's just a community center.
It's not the Louvre.

Where's your sense of adventure?

Apparently,
it's in multi-purpose room B.

Okay, no dead bolt.
This is gonna be cake.

How do you know how to do this?

Remember that expose
I did on a grope-y dentist?

Who did you think broke in and hid
in his supply closet for eight hours?

- I had to hydrate with mouthwash.
- You're a badass!

No, honey.
I'm just a man.

There's my photo.

Wow, you look 20 years younger.

- That's me.
- Oh, that's more like it.

Hey, I-I-I mean
that's more... like it!

Okay, just grab it, and let's go.

Well, honey, we
can't just take that one,

she'll know it was us.
We gotta steal a few others.

Uh, seriously?
Okay, if you get her,

- then I'm gonna take this guy.
- Oh, come on. Oof.

Hey, look, he's just creepy.
He's following me around the room.

What's going on here?
Hey, I know you.

Yeah, I'm Mike Henry,
Channel 4 news.

- Look, I can explain...
- No, I meant her.

From the picture. Oh, my God.

Can I get the other guards
in here to come say "hi?"

They'd love to meet you.

Can I ask you a question?
Is he following us around the room?

- No, I don't... uh, no...
- No, just walk that way a little bit.

- Walk that way a little bit.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I see it.

Run!

I can't believe you guys!
You said you were cool with it.

And then, you sneak behind my back?
This is so embarrassing.

Eve, we know you love your class,
but the truth is

we don't want you taking
nude photos anymore.

Why not?

- It was a good question.
- And we finally had a good answer.

- Because we said so.
- What?

- That's not fair.
- Yeah, well, life's not fair.

This went on for 20 minutes.

We hit every parenting
cliché in the book.

And that's the way it's gonna be

- as long as you're living under our roof.
- You guys are so lame!

- I can live with that.
- Yeah, me too.

Are these bubbles?

Whoa, Graham!
What the hell's going on?

Oh, hey, Dad.
I made a bubble room.

- Pretty cool, huh?
- Honey, you can't do that.

- The dishwasher is not a toy.
- You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry.

Whoa, whoa.
Did you just "I'm wrong" me?

Did your Dad teach you that?

- You know I did that?
- I let you do that.

Graham, that doesn't work with me.

- You're grounded.
- Bubble party's over.

Oh, man.
Come on, guys.

Growing up, you always think

you'll do things differently
than your parents,

that you'll be friends with your kids,

treat them as equals.

Hi, sweetie.
Mwah.

Turns out that's easier said than done.

- Where's Ian?
- He's in his bedroom.

- Said he wasn't hungry.
- This is all our fault.

- We have to help him get Reese back.
- Seriously? When does it end?

Come on.

♪ I'm still here ♪

♪ I'll tell you what's
in my field of view ♪

♪ but I've said some
things that I can't undo ♪

Oh, Harris?
What are you doing to me, man?

I knew they were
meant to be together.

I give it a week.

But the truth is we
all need boundaries.

They make us feel safer,
connected, cared for.

And without 'em, we'd have
nothing to rebel against.

- Not bad, huh?
- No, not bad.

And you know, rock stars
always do date models.

Would you mind if I hung
my photo up in our closet?

Would you mind
if I use it for my album cover?