The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 2 - Neighbor - full transcript

Oh! I'm so exhausted.

Today on the treadmill,

I actually fell asleep
for a quarter mile.

You were talking in your
sleep again last night.

Yeah, it's these new meds.
Why can't they have cool side effects?

- What would be a cool side effect?
- I don't know. Anything Aquaman does.

[laughs]

Oh, you're wearing that t-shirt.

I thought you were gonna
swap it out for a nightie,

- something tight.
- That's so complicated.

It's hard tell what's the
front and what's the back,



where everything is so
clear about this shirt.

My head goes here;
my arms go here...

And you wipe your
hands here, which is hot.

Clean hands are hot.

- Parents, we need to talk.
- Talk or knock?

I have someone coming over tomorrow,
and not that it should matter,

but this someone
happens to be a lesbian.

Reese is new at school, and
she needs me as a friend.

I'm kind of known for
having a diverse crew

that doesn't pigeonhole people,

unlike the jocks,
the drama nerds, the mean girls,

the freaks with the weird...

I really don't want you
guys to blow this for me.

- So that means no lesbian jokes.
- I don't think I know a lesbian joke.



I know one lesbian
joke, but I don't get it.

Well, I know, let's get eve's
lesbian friend to explain it to us.

Are you guys online?
I can't seem to get on the internet.

Yeah, we're downloading Quicken.

Ha-ha-ha-ha, great computer joke.
Somebody call Dilbert.

It's like, I don't even
know why I come in here.

- Neither do I.
- What?

Get out now.

This door is locked.
No one comes in or out.

It's just I'm fading fast.
So how about just top stuff.

I'll take it.

- How's this?
- [laughs] Stop tickling my feet.

I'm nowhere near your feet, honey.

- What's "top stuff?"
- I honestly don't even know anymore.

Okay, that's it. We're
officially out of kids.

[sighs]

[muffled voice]

Oh, come on.

The upstairs neighbor thinks
we want to hear his TV again.

Okay, I'm gonna go up there.

Probably some old guy
with a hearing aid.

He'll recognize me from the news,
I'll sign an autograph,

and then I'll be right back down...
and you're asleep.

I bet this never happens to Aquaman.

Excuse me.

- Oh, sorry... uh...
- Oh.

Uh...
you're not an old man.

1x02 - Neighbour

- What exactly are we doing here?
- I'm your downstairs neighbor.

- Oh, hey.
- So first of all...

welcome to the building.
Lovely to have you.

Second of all, and this
is dumb and so stupid.

I feel funny even mentioning it,

- but your TV is just a skosh loud...
- Oh, my god.

Oh, okay. You know what?
I'm gonna turn it down.

Come on in.

- Okay, I'm allowed to do this.
- I had it turned up

because I was baking
cookies in the kitchen.

I've gotten back into
baking since my divorce.

My ex didn't like cookies.

Actually, the only thing
he hated more than cookies

was not sleeping with baristas.

I don't know why I'm telling you this.
I'm Kelly, by the way.

- Do I know you from somewhere?
- Does this ring a bell?

Stay informed, New York.

- No.
- I'm Mike Henry.

I'm a newscaster,
Channel 4... television.

I know where I know you from.

I used to see you at the
starbucks on 86th street.

You're the guy with
those piercing blue eyes.

Well, I don't know if they pierce.
They, uh... maybe poke a little.

[laughs]

- You're funny too.
- Oh, well... I should...

I should probably hit the old hallway.

Oh, wait. You know what?
Before you go, I need a taster.

Now, I might have gone a little
bit heavy with the vanilla,

and I definitely forgot
to turn on the oven.

Okay, I'm a mess.

You know what?
Just lick this.

[quirky upbeat music]

Oh, wow. That's
chocolate chip, right?

I mean, I didn't get
one, but-but-but I...

I can taste them.
That's... that all checks out.

I-I-I should go.
Um, thank you.

Stay informed.

Those are good.

Ugh, I'm so behind on
this article for Us Weekly.

If it was called "Us Monthly,"
I'd have more time.

- Us Monthly? Is that a new magazine?
- What? No.

- Are you even listening?
- Crunchy? Swing and a miss, Mom.

Hey, that's a school lunch
for my son who goes to school...

- Okay, where was I?
- Uh... wrapping up.

I like talking to Annie,
'cause she's a good listener,

but I feel like she hasn't
really been there for me since...

How old is Ian again?

I know you're too busy
to hear my troubles.

I guess it's hard for you
to imagine what it's like

to be a single woman
freelancing in this dirty town

trying to laugh and love
my way through my 30s.

Okay, Caroline in the City,
I'm gonna give you that one

because you promised
to watch Graham today.

Anything to get me
away from this laptop.

Sandwiches for breakfast?

They're not for breakfast.
They're not for you!

Really? We don't own
one Melissa Etheridge CD?

Well, I guess it's Obama's
America everywhere but here.

- We have two K.D. Lang CDs.
- Who's he?

Oh, honey, you've
got to do your research.

You have a lesbian coming over.

[car horn honks]

Oh, PB&J.

- Crunchy.
- Okay, stop eating it.

Honey, thank you so much
for getting the neighbor

to turn down his TV last night.
What's he like?

Um, neighborly.

Just an average neighbor.
Standard face and body.

She...
and she was a "she", by the way.

She was otherwise totally forgettable.

Oh, crunchy.
You did it again, honey.

- No sandwich?
- We're out of bread.

Sweetie, that kid stuff's terrible.

Use mine sunscreen. It's French.

I don't know what the
current exchange rate is,

but it's definitely worth it.

And it exploded everywhere.

There goes $33 to $45.

This day just keeps getting better.

It's okay.
You've got a lot going on.

Thank you.
I do have a lot going on.

I was just trying to explain
this to my sister-in-law,

- but she doesn't get it.
- Well, I think you are

doing the most important
job in the world.

Well, it's definitely up there.

And I've done it with
no help from anyone.

- Well, what about the boy's father?
- Mike's no help.

He gives me zero support.

Single mothers are amazing.
You're a hero.

Oh, no.
I'm not a...

hero. I'm just doing what
any other single mother would.

- But enough about me.
- Don't be silly. We're here for you.

I do suppose I could vent a little.

If you don't mind turning
off your cell phone,

I'd really appreciate it.

I don't know why people
are so down on the WNBA.

- Are they?
- No, and they shouldn't be.

I mean, I think it's even
better than real basketball.

I mean, normal bask...

I mean, who wants to watch
a bunch of sweaty guys anyway, right?

What happened to my
leftover chick-fil-a?

I left it in the fridge.

Some super tolerant person
probably threw it in the trash

because that company is all about hate.

Yeah, hating dry, flavorless chicken.

- 'Sup. I'm Ian.
- Reese.

- Like the pieces.
- Uh, he's supposed to be in college.

But I left to start
up my own start... up.

- Like the social network.
- Exactly.

Who do you want to
play you in the movie?

Okay, time's up.

She's cute.
What's her deal?

[whispering] Trust me.
She's not interested.

I don't know. I was feeling a vibe.

Whoa, seriously, did you
throw out my chick-fil-a?

Recently? Is it on the top?

Honey.
We have the whole place to ourselves.

And I got us some coffee
so we can stay awake.

Dark roast,
if you know what I'm saying.

I can't stop thinkin about our neighbor.

You know, the plain, forgettable one?

Oh, wait, yeah, right,
the one with the loud TV.

I feel bad, like we
got off on the wrong foot.

And I was thinking I should
go upstairs and apologize...

Hey, Mike.

But then she decided
to come down here instead.

Coffee?

I should be going.
I just wanted to drop these off.

Turns out that if you
actually turn on the oven,

you get cookies.
And the best part is,

you don't have to lick them off a spoon.

[laughs]

Great nonsense talk.
Really silly stuff.

- Well... thanks for coming by.
- It was so nice to meet you, Kelly.

You too.
It'll be so awesome to have a nice,

- cool friend in the building.
- Yeah.

Shame on Mike
for not mentioning you.

Okay, good hang.
Keep the TV down.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Well, she looked different last night.

I mean, you know, the light in
here must be very flattering,

which a credit to you, because
you look great in any light.

Maybe you were so
busy licking her spoon

that you couldn't get a good look.

That was a pity lick.
She needed a win.

You know, if I
didn't know any better,

I'd say that you have
a little crush, Mike.

I don't have a crush.

Honestly, I had completely
forgotten about her.

Oh, Kelly.

Kelly, no, we can't.
It's wrong.

- Okay.
- Okay, wait. Wake up.

- Mike, wake up.
- Wh-what?

You hit me. Did you hit me?

You were talking in
your sleep about Kelly.

Sounds like you put
up quite a struggle...

right up until you
immediately had sex with her.

You know, these meds
give me crazy dreams.

I get it.
She's cute, she's funny,

a bit of a heavy hand with the vanilla,

but just admit that you
are attracted to her.

Well, I suppose if you
were attracted to a guy,

you'd just put that out there?

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck,
Casey Affleck,

the Wahlbergs, pretty
much whole Boston scene.

- Okay, enough.
- Mike, come on.

I just want you to be honest with me.

I am being honest with you.

I'm not attracted to Kelly.

Fine.
You dream about whatever you

want to dream about, okay?
I'm gonna get some sleep.

Oh, Annie...

Annie, you're so beautiful
and sexy and smart.

- You're the whole package.
- Okay, just so you know,

when you asleep, you don't shake.

And also, you don't talk like a ghost.

I can't hear yoooouu.

Ooooh.

So Mike had a sexy
dream about another woman.

It just annoys me that
Mike won't be honest.

If he were really being honest,
he'd tell you to burn that shirt.

What does everybody
have against this shirt?

I've seen you polish
silver with that.

I'm just saying maybe you could
step up your game a little.

You're right.
I missed a spot.

[laughs]

So remember, we're going
for an outfit that says,

"I'm cool with alternative lifestyles."

[knock at door]

So is the lovely Reese coming today?

I don't want to waste my Axe
body spray on just family.

You're barking up the wrong tree.
This tree is a lesbian.

If Reese is a lesbian, then
I must be a pretty lady,

because she's definitely into me.
So am I Axe-ing or not?

- Axe-ing.
- Not.

I'm never bringing Reese back here.

This place is a minefield
of embarrassment.

- We're going to JJ's funcade.
- J to the Js.

Food and games. Love that place.

- Me too.
- There's my little Graham cracker.

Red shoes, brown pants,
and yellow sweater?

You trying to look like a hamburger?

I had such a good time
watching you the other day, bud.

I told your folks I'd
take you to the park again.

Okay, I just wanted to
hang with those moms again.

It felt nice to be around
people who appreciate what I do,

Even if it's just
something I pretend to do.

- Let's go to JJ's funcade instead.
- The park is nature's funcade.

- The park doesn't have prizes.
- Well, that's where you're wrong.

If we go to the park, you win a soda.

I like soda.
Can I drink it through a twizzler?

Half a twizzler.

I feel like I'd make a good mom.

And now just because
I had a dream about her...

and didn't tell her I was married...

and licked a few spoons,
Annie thinks I'm into her.

Women.

Always jumping to conclusions
based on overwhelming evidence.

I got it. I got it.
We'll double date.

I'll set you up with Kelly,
and then Annie will know

that I don't find her attractive.

Oh, hold on.
She's not attractive?

You're trying to set me
up with a jacked-up woman?

Uh-uh. Oh, no.

Word gets around town that
I've lowered my standards,

my stock drops,
ladies go, "Sell. Sell on Harris."

That's just economics.

Trust me. She's sufficiently jacked.
She's jacked exquisitely.

Just say you'll come to dinner.

Okay, but she better look good,
because you see all this?

It's too big to fail.

You think they can
tell we're not working?

Oh, my god.
This place is ridiculous.

- You know what we should do?
- Pity the living?

And... and we should tell the
waiter that it's my birthday,

and then they'll have to
do that lame song for me.

Is that your brother?

[whistles]

Ian, what are you doing here?

Oh, hey.
Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.

Thought I'd check out
the old stomping grounds.

Hey, check out this old girl.

Wonder if she still dance,
dances like she used to.

No, no, no, no, no.
Don't do this.

I barely remember
how to use this thing.

Or do I totally remember?

[frenetic music]

I'm so sorry.
He's trying to show off

because he has a stupid crush on you.

That's okay.
This is hilarious.

- Yeah, totally.
- It's, like, is the machine telling me

what to do, or am I telling it?

I just want to get this
us weekly article right,

because I'm going to be
seeing it in my doctor's office

for the next year and a half.

Speaking of, does anyone else
have a super judge-y gyno?

- Um, Leigh, is Graham okay?
- I am forever!

He's fine. He just had a few
sodas and a couple twizzlers.

Wow! That's a lot of sugar.

I feel like we're
getting off track here.

I never give Duncan
anything processed.

Pretty high almighty for a lady
who named her son Duncan.

You guys have really changed.

Come on son, we're leaving.

[lower voice] Graham, that's you!

- Leigh, it's you!
- Graham, slow down!

I'm not wearing the
right bra for this!

- Have you seen Reese?
- She's over there.

[together]
♪ Happy, happy birthday ♪

♪ from JJ's funcade crew ♪

♪ happy, happy birthday
from all of us to you ♪

[laughs] Oh. Oh, god.
You are awful.

We'd have a lot less dishes
to do if you would just admit

that you have a crush on Kelly.

That's ridiculous.
It's a legitimate double date.

They do seem to be hitting it off.

[laughter]

Yes, they do, don't they?

- That was our thing.
- What?

Nothing.

- Oh.
- Bread time.

Individual portions of bread that
everyone can feed to themselves.

Oops, Parkinson's.

[groans]

What?
Parkinson's.

Uh...

Why were you making out with Ian?

Oh, you saw that? I'm sorry.
I know he's your brother, and...

Yeah, and... brothers are guys.

- You're a lesbian.
- No, I'm not.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

But I heard that you
kissed a girl at a party.

Yeah, I did, but only
'cause guys love that.

Hey, air swimmer clownfish.

- No bigs.
- I can't believe this.

Let me get some more of that.
Somehow yours just seems better.

So you guys have been friends forever.

Oh, yeah, ever since we
started out down in Orlando.

Remember when we covered the...
Governor's inauguration?

Yeah, Mike camped out
in the Governor's office

and wouldn't leave until we got a quote.

And you got caught in the press
room with that salsa dancer.

Or wait, no, that's wrong.
It was a cocktail waitress.

- It's hard to remember, I'm sure.
- Yeah, because there's been so many.

I was gonna say because
it was such a long time ago.

Everybody does crazy
things when they're young.

But I'm a gentleman now.

Well, I hope not too
much of a gentleman.

Didn't that cocktail waitress
turn out to be a gentleman

- in the end... and in the front?
- What the hell are you doing?

Just trying to be accurate.
Who wants to see my Emmys?

Don't get too excited.
They're daytime Emmys.

Just trying to be accurate.

You're right, this place
is better than the park.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have used you like I did.

I guess it just felt nice
to get a little validation

out there, and look,
i know there are harder things

- than writing a 200-word article.
- 200? That's so many words.

Thank you.
Finally someone in this family gets me.

You know, I'm going to start
coming to you with my problems.

[groans]
Would your son like a balloon?

Oh, he's not my son.

Oh, of course.
You're too young to have a son his age.

Text your mom to pick you up.

- So how long have you worked here?
- Oh, 13 years.

Here I am with the children
of the Grand Popo tribe.

They wrote a song about me.

- Wow. That's amazing, Mike.
- It's really not that amazing.

They sing that song
to all the white people

to convince them to buy scarves.

- Still driving that $100,000 car, Harris?
- Actually...

Yeah, I remember when
he first got that car.

I remember thinking, "whoa, mid-life crisis
comes early for Harris."

Well, actually, not that early.

You know, we might be
friends, but I'll take you out.

- It's not that hard.
- Oh, hey, it's Leigh.

I guess she wants us to pick
up Graham at JJ's funcade.

Well, sorry, guys.
I guess we've got to call it a night.

Well, Kelly and Harris
don't have to call it a night.

- I'm not going to say no to a drink.
- Oh, you are my kind of guy.

I know.
Why don't we all go to JJ's?

And we can play a little skee-ball
and get some nachos for the big fella.

- You better stop that.
- You know, I think I better get going.

I have an early morning tomorrow.
Do you want to walk me up upstairs?

Don't be silly. It's
completely out of his way.

I'll walk you upstairs,

and Annie and I will drop
Harris off at home on our way.

And then maybe we could
stop by JJ's tomorrow.

- Mike, we need to pick up our son.
- You're absolutely right, Annie.

You should take Kelly
home and them come back

and man the nerve center, and
Harris and I will go get Graham.

- I don't want to do that at all.
- Here's an out-of-the-box idea.

Why doesn't nobody take Kelly
home, 'cause she only lives

one floor up, and it's a safe
building. And she'll be fine.

Isn't that right, Annie?
Annie?

You know, I have some
more spoons upstairs.

[both chuckling]

For the record, don't touch my belly.

Now, if you will excuse
me, I'm going upstairs

to make love with my shirt on.

Thank you for leaving me
with that image.

Annie, it's Mike again.
Are you still here?

'Cause I've been walking
around for 20 minutes.

I'm a sweaty guy
lurking around an arcade.

People are starting
to think I'm a creep.

Hey! Are you leaving?

- Yeah.
- You're seriously bailing?

- Is this because Reese is into me?
- That is mystifying.

- Mm.
- She just isn't who I thought she was.

Who cares?
So Reese isn't a lesbian.

I'm sorry that's not
a box you can check off

- on your list of friends.
- I like having friends who are unique.

Yeah, so you can feel unique.

Why not just have friends
because they're your friends?

Annie.
Annie, I know you're here somewhere.

Look, you were right.
I had a crush on Kelly.

- Is that Dad?
- I'm afraid so.

She had these well-defined collarbones

that could hold water in the rain.

I didn't even know I was into that.

But I never should have...

[in garbled robotic voice]
licked the spoon.

I got caught up in the moment.

Why do I sound like this?
What's happening to me?

Am I a robot?

[in normal voice] Oh, that's better.

Where was I?

- Finished, hopefully.
- Oh, wait. Annie, I'm sorry.

Look, I just got started,
and I couldn't stop.

Mike, I don't even care about that.

I mean, the collarbone thing was
weird, but what got into you tonight?

I'm sorry. I...

I just... it wasn't even
that I had a crush on Kelly.

It was that Kelly had a crush on me.

It's just nice to know
after all that's happened

- that women still find me attractive.
- What about me?

- I think you're attractive.
- Oh, well, that doesn't count.

I mean, what are you gonna do,

leave the beloved
newsman with Parkinson's?

Okay, if that's what
you're worried about,

I will leave you the
minute your looks go.

I'd appreciate that. Thank you.

Look... hey, have you been
wearing this all night?

You look amazing.

Yes, I've been trying to
get you to notice all night.

If I told you you were beautiful
every time you looked beautiful,

- I'd never have time for anything else.
- That would be fine with me.

Sometimes in life,
you get turned around

and forget who you really are.

Sorry I thought you were a lesbian.

That's okay.
I thought you were too.

Oh, boss!
Are you guys gonna kiss?!

Luckily, your family
is there to remind you.

They're the ones who challenge you

and support you

and love you no matter what.

- Hey guys, guys...
- What, sweetie?

We lost Dad.

Shh, shh.

Mike, Mike.

How did you find me?

♪ So if you want to drive
with me, ride with me ♪

They're also the ones
who will drive you crazy

with remote control fish balloons.

Ian, get that thing out of here!

♪ Come on and fly with me ♪

Ian...

♪ You got to roll with me ♪