The Michael J. Fox Show (2013–2014): Season 1, Episode 5 - Interns - full transcript

Eve, hurry up, you're gonna
be late for your first day

of work, and I hear your
new boss is a real hardass.

- Her new boss is me.
- I got it.

Mike got Eve an internship
down at the station.

She's at that age
where she doesn't wanna

- hang with us anymore.
- So I did what any good dad would do.

I forced her to be an unpaid laborer.

Now there's my little helper.
Quick pop quiz.

Do I or do I not like guacamole
on my burrito?

Stop calling me your little helper.

And that's a trick question.
You don't like burritos.



Bueno.
 Muy Bueno.

- Quick, Annie, snap a picture.
- Already on it.

One serious.
[camera shutter clicks]

One silly.
[camera shutter clicks]

Let's go one thing straight.
If I'm gonna do this internship,

can you at least not
treat me like a child?

I guess you won't be
wanting one of these then.

[sighs]

- Oh! Are we giving out lollipops?
- Just for interns.

[scoffs] Internships.
They're just a way of tricking

a bunch of naive kids into
doing all the work for free,

while one guy at the top
sits back and gets rich off of...

maybe I should get an intern.

Shouldn't you have work
before expanding your workforce?



Don't chicken or egg me, Dad.
I'm a busy man.

But if I had an intern
to help organize these

presentation binders together,
I could stay big picture.

Work smart, not hard.

Because if...
I have jelly on my shirt.

And it's on my pants.
What the...

Oh! And it's in my hair.

- Yeah.
- Who gave him jelly?

[title music]

1x05 - Interns

So here we are again.

Tango and Cash, Turner
and Hooch, Marley and me.

- A third of those are dogs.
- Hey, you're good with fractions.

Dad, enough with the lollipops.

Whoa, we're throwing
lollipops around, huh?

Oh, orange.
Hey, Evie. Mwah.

- Hey, Harris.
- Welcome aboard.

Now listen, if you're unsure what to do,

Doug over there
has been an intern for nine years,

so just watch what he does
and do the opposite.

Not again. Somebody cut
Doug out of the copier!

Anything you need,
my door is wide open.

And if it isn't, do not come in,
no matter what you hear.

Be careful with it, okay?

It's going into my office.
It's a jason ambrose.

Is that the name of the
guy whose skin you used

- to upholster it?
- Oh, clever.

Oh, this is my daughter, Eve.
Eve, this is Susan, my associate.

- Associate?
- Is Diane Sawyer John Turner's associate?

- Who's John Turner?
- Exactly.

So this is what you guys do all day.

Oh, look, she's funny,
and she's pretty too.

Where did she get it?
Is your mailman handsome?

If she gives you any trouble,
just throw water on her.

She'll melt.
[laughs]

Oh, do you really wanna
go down a yellow brick road

that leads to munchkins, Mike?

- Susan.
- Yeah?

Is it possible we could call a truce
at least while my daughter's in?

Oh, sure.
I totally get it, Mike,

you need a couple of weeks to
think of a comeback. [laughs]

Truce begins now.

Say hello to the flying monkeys.

- Yes!
- Nice one, dad.

Hey, Annie!
Ooh.

That's what you're wearing to work?

- I was gonna cover my lower half.
- Good call.

Hey, listen, thanks so much

for letting me come to
your class the other day.

It's so amazing you
bring in real live authors

- to read to your students.
- Oh, well, you know, I like to provide

positive role models for the kids.
Plus I get an hour off.

- I am up to "guava level" on fruit ninja.
- In fact, I was so inspired

that I finished writing the
first chapter of my book,

and I want you to be
the first to read it.

Oh...

It's your classic
boy-meets-girl love story.

Except at night, the
boy turns into a horse.

Every girl loves boys and horses.

But only one could tame them both.

But only one...
could tame them both.

W-wow,
well, color me intrigued.

Yeah, I am going to read that...

as soon as you have a copy.

I'll just... well, look
right there, you have one.

Mane attraction, and
you spelled it m-a-n-e.

- It's a pun.
- So it behooves me to read your "tail."

What does that mean?
Why are you talking like that?

Okay. Never mind.

Seeing as how you're an English
teacher and my best friend,

I would really love
to get your feedback.

Don't you mean "feed bag"?

- What?
- 'Cause of the hor...

Never mind.
I'm gonna shut up now.

Oh, you... you were thinking
I'd read this right now?

- Yeah.
- Because I was gonna

put my skirt on and then head to work.

Oh, yeah, fine, whenever.
Whenever you get a chance.

But make it today, okay?
And I'm not so sure about that skirt.

There's a little feedback for you,
and it didn't take me all day.

Okay.

I'm up to flyer some campuses
about my intern gig.

Life's weird, huh?

It's only been a few months, and
I'm already growing my company.

- ♪Blessed.
- Cool. Let's go.

Oh, Graham, with all due respect,
this is grown man stuff.

- I can't have you tagging along.
- Mom said you have to watch me today.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe I could just...

You can't leave me
with the doorman again.

Damn it!

How is anybody supposed to take
You-Search. Netbeta

seriously with you following me
around messing everything up?

- Come on, let's go.
- Your flyers.

Thanks.
This is so unfair.

All right, tango.
We're here to lay down voice-over

on the fiscal crisis
piece I'm working on.

Sounds boring, right?

- I got a voice mail...
- Wrong.

The work we do today
will affect real change.

- What do I get to do?
- Well, when I do a take I like,

- you circle it on this page.
- I feel like Nelson Mandela.

She knows her world history.

Okay, Phil, we rolling?

My name's Todd.

I've been here 15
years, but to these guys,

I'm just a button pusher.

I'm ready, Phil. Push the button.

But due to budget cuts, the city's
had to scale back on library hours.

- Cut. We got it.
- Oh, cool. We're done.

- You'd think that.
- All right. We got the rough sketch.

Now let's break out the paintbrushes.

We're gonna be ordering dinner.

- Budget cuts...
- Bored yet?

Oh. No, no.
This is fascinating.

And after this, he's gonna
show me how to log tapes.

Oh, yeah, I have a trick
to get you out of that.

Accidentally spill
coffee on the tape machine?

You're close. No, use fresca.

It's clear, unscented, and always
around because nobody drinks it.

Due to budget cuts, the city's
had to scale back library hours.

I can't hear you. What's
going on out there?

Nothing. Sounding
good in there, Mike.

If "good" were good enough, they
wouldn't have invented "great".

Phil, I think I need to
hit library harder. Library.

- Li-brary.
- Okay.

Let's get you out of here
and find you something

- more interesting to do.
- Library.

- Uh, am I allowed to?
- Library.

Well, sure, unless you
wanna stick around for this.

- Library, library.
- Let's go.

- Library.
- Hey, Phil, keep up the good work.

- Maybe my name is Phil.
- Library.

Library. I cracked it.
I just have to throw away library.

All right, Eve.
Get out that circling pen. Eve?

Eve?
[yelps]

I shouldn't have gone with a
12-foot cord. Phil, cut me loose.

It was amazing.
Susan took me out for

a long lunch,
and we talked for hours.

She said tomorrow,

maybe I could pitch her
some of my story ideas.

- Honey, that's unbelievable.
- I know, right?

You know, I thought I
was just gonna hate this,

- but it's been great.
- That's great, honey.

That's just great. Really great.

- It's been a freakin' nightmare.
- Sounds like somebody's upset

he's not getting his
daddy-daughter time.

Susan stole her from me!
I mean, we had a truce.

Did you get her to spit
in her hand and shake on it?

Because otherwise it doesn't count.

No, that's crazy.
And I didn't think of it.

What is this?
What are you reading?

Is that a picture of
a horse eating a human being?

No, no, no, no, no.
He's becoming a human being.

See how his mane is kind of morphing

into a fauxhawk?
Because, see... I'm sorry.

I don't even know why I'm
trying to sell this to you.

Leigh gave me the first
chapter of her new book,

and she wants feedback.
[laughs]

- You know this isn't gonna end well.
- No. She hates getting criticism.

Remember one time I told her
an Evite she wrote was confusing?

- She walked into the ocean.
- That was not a good picnic.

I usually have no problem
telling people the hard truth.

It's just that Leigh is my kryptonite.

Well, the thing is Leigh
doesn't want feedback.

Leigh wants compliments, so just
tell her what she wants to hear.

- Wow. Mike, that is brilliant.
- Thank you.

You know, you're not
just a husband to me.

- You're also something of a mentor.
- Well, thank you, honey.

I try my best to g... wait a minute.
You just did it to me!

So I hear Eve's coming in to
"pitch you some stories."

I'm not good at air
quotes, but they're there.

Surely you're not implying

that I'm trying to
"turn her against you."

Oh... oh, look. You see that?

- That's how they work.
- I know what you're doing.

You're using her to get to me,
which is low, even for you.

My god, this is comfortable. Is this
what sitting's supposed to feel like?

- Are you sitting? I couldn't tell.
- We had a truce.

And then you go... and seriously,

- how much did this cost?
- Oh, I don't know.

The station paid for it,
which reminds me,

we're not having a
Christmas party this year.

Look, your daughter
is a really smart girl.

I think she can choose for herself.

But if you think you can win her back,
by all means, go for it.

I'm her father, Susan.
I'm not gonna play some

stupid game in order to
win back my own daughter.

- Okay.
- I need a helicopter.

- For what?
- For my story.

For the library thing?
You need a helicopter

for a story on budgetary redistribution?

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you
the news reporter now?

Well, I think it's
a valid question, Mike,

because libraries are on the ground.

Well, it has to do
with square footage.

Bird's-eye view, vantage points.

What, are you gonna
stand here grilling me,

or do you want me up in the
sky, winning you an Emmy?

Well, I do love Emmys.

What am I supposed to do,
pull the traffic copter?

Well, "this just in.
West side highway is packed."

Same as usual.
Run footage from yesterday.

- All right.
- All right.

But listen, if an escaped
panda wanders into traffic

and I'm caught with my
pants down, it's on you.

While I'm finishing up my master's

in computer science,
I wanna get some real

boots-on-the-ground
experience.

- So where are your offices?
- Well, we're on the upper West Side.

Great facility, wi-fi, stocked kitchen.

We do have to keep it down after 10:00
because it doubles as a residence.

- So it's your parents' place?
- They live there too.

And how many employees do you have?

We're a small outfit.
Right now it's me and...

just me, actually.
And you, if you're lucky.

So it would be me and you
in your childhood bedroom.

Actually, it's this
little guy's bedroom.

But apple started in a garage.
HP started in a garage.

General Motors started in a garage.
For obvious reasons.

Will you excuse me for just one sec?
I have to use the bathroom.

- I like him.
- I like him too.

He's pretty much an insta-hire.
[bell on door jingles]

But you don't wanna marry
the first girl you dance with.

- Dad did.
- He's lying about that. Grow up.

[screams]

What did you think of the book?

- Fire away.
- Home run. I mean, like...

[imitates bat hitting ball]

[whistles]

Wow. Okay, so that's that.
How about we go get a drink?

Hold on.
Tell me what you liked about it.

Uh, what I liked about it.
Okay, well, the beginning just...

it started the whole thing off.

And then the middle took us
from the beginning right to the end.

Which stayed true to its name

because there was nothing after that.

So I think we should
go get that drink now.

- You didn't read it.
- No, I did, I did.

- I-I loved it.
- Name one specific thing you loved.

- Just one... one specific thing.
- Just one thing. Anything at all.

- I-I c... I can't.
- You can't because you didn't read it!

I can't because it is terrible!

You have two major
characters named Kristen.

There are entire paragraphs
in horse language,

and the stuff in English
makes even less sense.

And then you describe every character as

"if this celebrity and
that celebrity had a baby."

Well, thanks for the feedback.

I feel that maybe you should

try writing about what you know

instead of writing about a horse
that turns into a boy.

It's about a boy...
who turns into a horse.

We need you to wear
something that says,

"I'm 22, I'm on my first job,
and I need a drink."

We could get t-shirts printed.

Susan decided that I'd be perfect
for an expose on underage drinking.

And I decided that was
just a little better

than listening to Dad say "library"
over and over again.

I can't believe I'm going undercover.
It... it feels so dangerous.

No, going undercover as
a drug mule is dangerous.

I swallowed 20 condoms full
of cocaine. One of them burst.

Ooh, that was a crazy night in Juarez.
What about green?

[knock on wall]

Go ahead.

- What's going on?
- You is going on. A helicopter ride.

Come on, it's waiting for us upstairs.

Oh, Dad, I can't.
I'm helping Susan with a story.

- I might even be on air.
- On air? Is that what she told you?

Honey, Susan doesn't need your help.
She's just using you to get to me.

- Oh, so this is all about you?
- Yes, you're finally getting it.

Wow, and here I thought
Susan might have seen

some potential in me.

Honey, I can see how
you might think that,

but you're just a hapless pawn.
[scoffs]

A hapless pawn that's
going on a helicopter ride.

- Sorry. I've got work to do.
- Eve...

What are you still doing down here?
You're supposed to be up in the air.

- I just need a minute.
- Uh, you don't have a minute.

Do you know how much fuel
that helicopter burns through?

A dinosaur a day. Now, I'm not
talking about the small ones

that spit in your
face and go... [hisses]

I'm talking about the
big, swoopy neck ones.

You promised me a story,
Mike. Come on, let's go.

- But I need my intern.
- Take Doug.

Just so you're aware, my stomach
is not great with air travel.

Then for the love of god,
stop eating the calzone.

Come on.

You don't be need
eating a calzone.

- Did you get the story?
- Let me put it to you this way.

Can you puke out the
window of a helicopter?

The answer may surprise you.

Oh, you got throw
up in the helicopter?

I'll go get my febreze.

Wait, have you seen Eve?
I need to talk to her.

Oh, well, she's at Darwin's
bar and grill with Susan.

- She's at a bar?
- And grill.

- Susan.
- Where do we keep the spare shirts?

- Doug.
- Don't worry, I'll get 'em.

[grumbles]

Okay, we got a full
plate this afternoon.

Where's that stack of resumes?

For your blood sugar.
You haven't eaten lunch.

Hey there. Ian Henry.
Pleasure's yours.

[laughs]
So let's jump right in.

What do you feel you
can offer my company?

I'm just looking for the can, dude.

In a nutshell, my career
goals include housing,

- sandwich...
- I think this interview's over.

Don't worry, man.
I won't do stuff to ya.

You know, I'm really impressed
with what I heard so far.

I think this could be a good fit.

Well, I just have a few
more people to interview,

- so we'll let you know.
- What? I was interviewing you.

- No, I was interviewing you.
- Oh, well, how'd I do?

Think we're gonna go
in a different direction.

[bell on door jingles]
Oh, come on!

[knocks on door]

Leigh?

Leigh? You all right?

Oh, god.

I shouldn't have been honest with her.

Now all that was left
was for me to apologize

and hope she didn't ask me
anything else about her book,

because I kind of held back.

Leigh?

Hey, lady.
Didn't hear you.

I can only write to jock jams.

- Wait, you're writing?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm almost through my second draft.

Wow, that's... that's unexpected.

Look, what you said was harsh,

but after I took down
a box of taco shells,

I started rewriting,
and I haven't stopped.

Honey, that's great!

Oh, th... oh, your...
your gums are bleeding.

How fast did you eat those things?

I was like a wood chipper.
[imitates wood chipper]

[laughs]

That felt good.
For once, I was honest with Leigh,

and nothing terrible happened.

But since you were kinda
harsh on me, it would really

mean a lot if I could
read my book to your class.

Oh...

The feeling didn't last long.
But what the hell?

She's my good friend, and it will
be a valuable experience for her.

Plus I get that hour off.

Excuse me?

I'll have a Manhattan Up,
two cherries on a sword.

Uh-huh. How old are you?

- 22.
- What year were you born?

- '91.
- Month and day.

- January 19.
- So you're a virgo?

Capricorn. The goat.

- Stubborn, yet ambitious.
- Manhattan Up it is.

- All right, let's go.
- Dad?

I can't.
I'm in the middle of something.

Manhattan Up,
two cherries on a sword.

What, are you drinking now?
What the hell, Eve?

[whispering]
Mike, Mike, Mike, keep it down.

We're doing an expose
on underage drinking.

Oh, we are? Well, where
the hell are the cameras?

- The camera is in my button.
- Oh, right, of course. Button cam.

- It's real, Dad.
- Is it?

I've been in the news for 20 years.
Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe anything can be a camera.
Maybe this spoon can be a camera.

Hello, spoon.
Are you getting this?

- Stay informed.
- Keep rolling.

How about this?
Maybe this cherry's a camera. Hello.

Oh, my god, I ate a camera.
Stand by for pictures of my colon.

You really want me to
believe that's a camera?

Hello, Mom, I'm on TV.

I put that man in
charge of a helicopter.

Well, technically,
I was also in the heli...

Doug!

...recording me, why don't
I put on a little show?

[singing gibberish]

I'm supposed to believe we
have nanosurveillance technology

with the tech guys we've got?

Knocked it out of the park, Phil.

It's Todd.
It's always been Todd.

So I guess that's the
end of my news career.

Oh, no, no, you
were great on the tape,

before that crazy guy
busted in and wrecked it.

- I wouldn't know. I'm just a pawn.
- I'm sorry.

Sometimes I still think
of you as a little girl.

But the truth is what
you are now is way better.

And I shouldn't have said the only
reason someone would wanna work

- with you is to get to me.
- Oh, no, Susan was definitely

using me to get to you, but...
I was using her too.

I got to do a pretty cool story,
and I got some new clothes.

- And you almost got a free drink.
- Right. Almost.

Oh, god, you're as bad as she is.

If you still wanna work with Susan,
I won't stand in your way.

Truth is she's a pretty
damn good reporter.

I taught her everything she knows.

- Are you sure?
- Not even a little bit.

This might help you feel better.

- Hey, you wanna look at this?
- Yeah, yeah.

I think we got a great
lineup, but we got all of our...

- Right.
- And then...

Orange.

Sorry you couldn't find an intern.

Oh, it was just a wasted day
at an overpriced coffee shop.

But on the upside, I memorized
Alison Krauss's new album.

You know, I thought
bringing on an employee

would make this feel
more like a company.

But I think I gotta
walk this road on my own.

That'd make a great lyric
for an Alison Krauss song.

- Yes, it would.
- Well, I guess I better

- throw out all those resumes.
- Already did it. Except for this one.

What kind of idiot
does this in crayon?

Son of a gun, you've
been helping me all along.

My number's on there.
Think about it.

[bell rings]
" 'I told you before, '

Jessup said, flipping his shaggy hair
from his soulful brown eyes.

'I can never go to prom
with you because... because...'

Kristen felt her cheeks going hot.

'Because you're a horse at night?'

She shouted.
'I told you, I don't care!"

The kids ate it up.

Maybe Leigh's a better writer
than I give her credit for.

Or maybe they just loved
it because it was filthy.

" 'Are you sure you can
handle it?' Jessup asked.

'Oh, I've mounted you before.'
Kristen replied."

I mean, just total smut.

"As she rode him, she buried
her face into his shiny mane.

Her greedy hands explored
the contours of his sinewy..."

[grunts]

Okay, all right.
So that's enough, that's enough!

Leigh Henry, everyone. Clap.

[applause]

♪ Today ♪

Sometimes you underestimate
the people you love.

Did you like that part?
You did?

It's as if you already
know so much about them

that there isn't room
to fit in something new.

But if you can slow down enough,

you just might see what
they're really capable of.

Nice.

Why don't I put on a little show?

[sings gibberish]

[plays slowly, distorted audio]
♪ Today ♪

[sniffs] Fresca.

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ don't know
we're gonna find our way ♪

So... I have a half hour.
You wanna grab lunch?

Our first work lunch.

- Harris, take a picture!
- Never mind.

Wait! No, no, no, no.
Come back. No photos.

- No!
- We'll sit at separate tables.