The Mask (1995–1997): Season 3, Episode 8 - When Pigs Ruled the Earth - full transcript
♪ I GOTCHA
WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪
♪ I'M A LIVIN' LESSON
IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪
♪ JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT STARE ♪
♪ AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪
♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO,
ROMAN-GRECO, ROCOCO, BARROCO, ♪
♪ BE-BOP, HIP-HOP, FLIP-FLOP,
SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪
♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES
LIKE MINE ♪
♪ DON'T COME
A DIME A DOZEN ♪
♪ I STAND OUT
OF THE CROWD ♪
♪ BABE, WHEN THEY
MADE ME, ♪
♪ YEAH, THEY BROKE
THE MOLD ♪
♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND,
STAID AND REFINED, ♪
♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪
♪ ARCH-VILLAINS
AND NE'ER-DO-WELLS ♪
♪ HAD BETTER LEARN
TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪
♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING
IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING I
GOT TO SING ABOUT ♪
♪ OPEN UP WIDE
AND REALLY SHOUT ♪
♪ WHOA, LOOK OUT ♪
♪ THIS IS THE MASK ♪♪
SMOKIN'
PEGGY BRANDT,
NOVEMBER 6TH.
I'M IN A PARKING GARAGE
ON THIRD AND MAIN
WAITING FOR CONTACT
WITH MY SOURCE.
OVER HERE, MS. BRANDT.
DID YOU COME ALONE?
AS PER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS, YES.
ARE YOU STREP THROAT?
OH, THIS IS STUPID.
WHY DO WE HAVE
TO DO THIS?
BECAUSE IT'S MY GAME
AND MY RULES!
NOW, DO YOU WANT
THIS INTERVIEW OR NOT?
YOU KNOW I DO.
IT'S THE STORY
OF A LIFETIME,
ONE-ON-ONE
WITH THE MASK,
BUT A SECRET RENDEZVOUS?
STREP THROAT?
I MEAN, COME ON.
ONE-ON-ONE
WITH THE MASK?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE CALLING
THIS?
YEAH, WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
WELL, RIGHT OFF THE TOP
OF MY HEAD, IT STINKS!
YOU NEED AN ANGLE,
SOMETHING CATCHY,
SOMETHING THAT'LL GRAB 'EM BY
THE EYEBALLS
AND NOT LET GO!
SOMETHING LIKE,
ON THE LAM WITH THE MASK.
A NIGHT ON THE TOWN
WITH THE MASK.
COME, FAIR PEGGY.
OUR SIX-CYLINDER
STEED AWAITS US!
NOT A BAD ANGLE.
A TYPICAL NIGHT
OUT WITH THE MASK.
A NIGHT OUT WITH ME
IS NEVER TYPICAL.
TO THE COCO BONGO!
♪
HEY, YOU WENT
RIGHT BY IT.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW
HOW TO FLY THIS THING?
OH, FOR SURE, MAN.
BUT, LIKE, EVER SINCE
MY COUSIN SPILLED
A MILKSHAKE IN THE CARB,
IT'S BEEN ACTIN' UP.
WE'RE OUT OF CONTROL!
YOU'VE GOT TO STOP IT,
DON'T YOU HEAR?
STOP IT!
I'M OUT OF CONTROL!
SOMEBODY STOP ME!
I MEANT THE SHIP!
STOP THE SHIP!
♪
SPEED TOO GREAT.
LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS.
MUSTN'T BLACK OUT.
WE'LL MISS THE MOVIE.
♪
WHAT A RIDE.
WHERE ARE WE?
OR SHOULD I SAY WHEN ARE WE?
ACCORDING TO THIS,
IT'S THE YEAR 4,996.
MASK, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT I SAID?
I'M UP, I'M UP,
WHERE ARE MY PANTS?
I'M UP, I'M UP!
OH, THANK GOODNESS.
FOR A MINUTE THERE,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE--
DEAD?
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE JAVA,
BABE, YOU'RE
NO BEAUTY QUEEN EITHER.
I MEAN FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING AND ALL.
HONEY, IS THE COFFEE READY?
WE MUST'VE PASSED THROUGH SOME
KIND OF A TIME WARP.
WE'VE BEEN ASLEEP
FOR 3,000 YEARS.
GOOD, 'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU
THE TRUTH.
IF I DON'T GET A SOLID
26,280,008 HOURS OF SLEEP
ONCE IN AWHILE,
I'M A REAL BEAR.
WELL, BOYS AND GIRLS,
WE'RE HERE TO STAY.
WELL, THIS IS JUST GREAT.
ACCORDING TO THIS INVENTORY,
WE'VE ONLY GOT
ENOUGH FOOD AND WATER
FOR 24 HOURS.
WELL, THAT'S WHEN
THE GROCERIES RUN OUT.
AND WHY ARE YOU
TALKING LIKE THAT?
NO REASON, LICORICE?
WILL YOU GET SERIOUS?
I COULD JUST SHAKE YOU!
THANKS TO YOU,
WE'RE STRANDED
ON SOME STRANGE PLANET 3,000
YEARS IN THE FUTURE!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, I SAY WE CHECK
INTO A NICE HOTEL,
TAKE IN THE SIGHTS,
SEE A FEW SHOWS.
YOU DO HAVE AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT,
DON'T YOU?
AND SO IT CAME TO PASS THAT
PEGGY AND THE MASK
BEGAN THEIR ARDUOUS
JOURNEY TOGETHER,
A JOURNEY BORN
OF A DESPERATE STRUGGLE
FOR SURVIVAL AND FUELED BY HOPE
IN THEIR SEARCH
FOR THE LAND
OF MILK AND HONEY
AND FRUIT-LADEN
TREES APLENTY.
IT WAS A TIME
OF GREAT SUFFERING
AND THE WAILING
AND GNASHING OF TEETH
AND MUCH HEARTACHE.
ALL RIGHT, WE GET THE IDEA!
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD
OF SUFFERING IN SILENCE?
NO, BUT I'M SURE
YOUR READERS CAN
TELL US ABOUT IT.
MY READERS, DON'T REMIND ME.
HERE I AM WITH
THE STORY OF THE YEAR,
AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
WITH THE MASK,
AND I'M 3,000 YEARS
TOO LATE.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW
THE OLD SAYING.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER?
NO, THERE'S A HAIRY BUNCH
OF SAVAGES STANDING
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
HUMANS!
A CITY!
WE'RE SAVED!
♪
YES, BUT WHO ARE
THESE NOBLE CREATURES?
AND HOW DID THEY ARRIVE
AT THIS SORRY JUNCTURE
IN THE COURSE
OF EVOLUTION?
IF ONLY WE HAD
SOME SORT OF CLUE.
IT SAYS HERE, THEY'RE
FROM THE LONG-DEFUNCT
LAW FIRM OF AUDACIOUS, BRAZEN,
AND CRASS.
OF COURSE!
THE STRANGE CLOTHES!
THE LANGUAGE
ALL THEIR OWN.
THEY'RE A DEVOLVED TRIBE
OF ENTERTAINMENT LAWYERS.
WELL, YOU GOT TO FIND A WAY
TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM.
TELL 'EM WE NEED
FOOD AND SHELTER
AND A RIDE HOME.
I HAVE JUST THE THING.
♪
THIS WAY, DOLL.
THEY SAID, AND I QUOTE,
"WE CASA IS YOU CASA."
GREAT, BUT WHERE
ARE THEY GOING?
THE CITY'S THAT WAY.
OH, THEY NO LIVE IN CITY.
CATCHY ALL SAME-SAME.
TOO CROWDED, YOU SAVVY?
PARKING NIGHTMARE.
BUT IF HUMANS DON'T LIVE
IN THE CITY, WHO DOES?
♪
WILL YOU LOOK AT ALL
THE SEASONED BIKERS.
THERE'S DEB AND AL--
MUST BE SOME KIND
OF DAREDEVIL TEAM.
YOU KNOW I ALWAYS GET ROPED IN
BY THESE STUNT SHOWS.
HEY, BOYS!
YOU MIND IF I PUT
MY OWN SPIN ON THINGS?
NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
TORRO, OLE!
IT IS MY LATEST
WORK OF ART.
I CALL IT
CRASH AND FERN.
MASK!
HELP, COME QUICK!
GOTTA GO, BOYS.
THAT'S THE OLD
BALL AND CHAIN A-CALLIN'.
NOW PAY ATTENTION, PEGGY.
THAT'S NINE DOWN AND--
ONE TO GO, LOOK!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
SAY OINK.
OINK!
OH--
BROTHER.
♪
HEY, THE NEW CROP
OF HUMANS ARE IN.
LET'S HOPE THEY'RE SMARTER THAN
THE LAST BATCH.
YEAH.
YOU JUST CAN'T CATCH
GOOD HELP ANYMORE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
GOTTA GO, BABE,
EARLY SQUASH GAME.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
NO, I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED?
WHERE ARE WE,
AND WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
THAT WOULD BE ME.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THAT?
NO. NO, NO, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE THAT FROM HIM.
YOU'RE THE MASK.
GET US OUT OF HERE!
NO CAN DO,
I'M UNDER THEIR SPELL.
YEAH.
WE SLAPPED THE COLLAR
OF COMPLIANCE ON HIM.
THE COLLAR OF COMPLIANCE?
TIRED OF DEALING
WITH PRISONERS
THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,
FRIENDS?
WANT TO TAKE THE HASSLE
OUT OF PRISON REFORM?
THEN THROW AWAY
ALL THOSE TIRED, OLD
DISCIPLINARY TOOLS AND GET
THE COLLAR OF COMPLIANCE!
WITH THE SIMPLE
PUSH OF A REMOTE
AND A FEW WELL-UTTERED COMMANDS,
YOU TOO CAN HAVE
EVEN THE MOST HARDENED CRIMINALS
JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS.
LAB-TESTED COMMANDS
LIKE ROLL OVER.
PLAY DEAD.
AND STOP LICKING
THOSE FLEAS.
WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
BECAUSE HE CAN.
GIVE ME THAT,
I DON'T WANT YOUR COOTIES.
NOW--NOW JUST SIT
THERE AND STAY.
YOU HEAR, STAY!
AND YOU COME WITH ME.
YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED.
♪
CUSTODIAN.
TOILET SCRUBBER.
THEY'RE TURNING US
INTO SLAVES!
SLAVES OF THEIR CORPORATE
EMPIRE.
EXCUSE ME!
I THINK THERE'S BEEN
A MISTAKE.
MY FRIEND AND I,
WE DON'T BELONG HERE.
WE COME FROM A TIME
WHEN HUMANS RULED THE EARTH.
REALLY, YOU'VE GOT
TO BELIEVE ME.
WE'RE JUST
AS SMART AS YOU.
WE'RE INTELLIGENT.
OH, LOOK, HON.
INTELLIGENT HUMANS.
SURE THEY ARE.
IT'S TRUE.
LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU.
WE HAVE NO TIME
FOR GAMES.
I HAVE A CROSSWORD
TO FINISH.
TAKE HER AWAY.
HEY, I'M NOT THROUGH
WITH THAT.
HERE, TAKE THE ART SECTION.
HERE YOU GO.
WHY, IF SHE WEREN'T
A GIRL, I'D--
EASY, ROD.
NO HARM DONE.
OKAY, I NEED A NINE-LETTER WORD
FOR STUBBORN.
PIGHEADED!
SO YOU SEE, DR. MAIUS,
THEY'RE VERY CLEVER.
AND SO MUCH MORE ADVANCED
THAN OTHER HUMANS,
ESPECIALLY
THE GREEN-FACED ONE.
TEACHER'S PET.
JEALOUS?
THEIR INTELLIGENCE
IS EXACTLY
WHAT CONCERNS
ME, PAISLEY.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN
OUR LAWS?
THE TEACHINGS
OF OUR SACRED COBS?
THE SACRED COBS!
THE WISDOM
OF THE OLD ONES.
BEWARE THE BEAST MAN
FOR IN HIM LIES THE ROOT
OF ALL EVIL.
SHUN HIM.
CAST HIM OUT.
HE IS THE HARBINGER
OF DOOM,
THE EATER OF PORK!
HEY, DON'T KNOCK IT
TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT.
YOU SEE?
SAVAGES!
GUARDS, TAKE THEM AWAY.
READY, AIM--
WAIT, DOCTOR, MAYBE WE CAN
REFORM THEM.
YOU MEAN BREAK THEM
OF THEIR LOVE OF PORK?
IMPOSSIBLE!
I'M WITH OLD DOC MAIUS
ON THIS ONE, PAIS.
YOU CAN'T MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT
OF A SOW'S EAR.
BUT THEY DO MAKE DANDY HANDLES,
DON'T THEY?
OKAY, ENOUGH!
THESE HUMANS
ARE A THREAT
TO OUR VERY EXISTENCE.
I WANT THEM TERMINATED
IMMEDIATELY!
TERMINATED?
IT IS I WHO WILL BE DOING
THE TERMINATING AROUND HERE,
YOU FLABBY, LITTLE, GIRLY PIGS.
♪
NO, COME BACK!
HE SAID TERMINATED,
NOT EXTERMINATED!
YOU'VE BEING FIRED,
NOT EXECUTED.
LOOK WHAT YOUR MEDDLING
HAS DONE.
NOW WE HAVE AN ARMED LUNATIC
ON OUR HANDS.
HEY, THERE, SORRY TO JUST DROP
IN LIKE THIS.
I'M JUST SUCH A HAM.
-THERE HE IS!
-HEY!
CALLING ALL SOWS,
CALLING ALL SOWS.
FOOD FIGHT AT THE CORNER OF PORK
AND BEANS.
SEE THE MASKED MAN, OVER.
♪
THIS GREASED PIGGY
WENT TO MARKET.
THESE LITTLE PIGGIES
STAYED HOME.
THIS LITTLE PIGGY
SERVED ROAST BEEF.
AND THIS ANGRY PIGGY
HAD NONE.
THEN THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT
HE-HE-HE ALL THE WAY--
HEY, I CAN'T BUDGE!
I'M A STUCK PIG.
WHERE AM I?
WHAT HAPPENED?
AND WHY DOES MY HAIR
SMELL LIKE BACON GREASE?
PIGS, PUT ME DOWN.
PIGS?
WALKING, TALKING PIGS.
I MUST BE HAVING
A NIGHTMARE.
HEY, SOMEBODY PINCH ME.
OW!
LOOK AT THE HUMAN.
WHAT A DIMWIT.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
YOU KEEP YOUR STINKING COMMENTS
TO YOURSELF,
YOU DARN DIRTY SWINE!
WELL, BE--BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING NICE
TO SAY, WELL,
THEN YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING AT ALL,
YOU SEE, BUT--
♪
YOUR OUTBURST HAS MADE
A MOCKERY OF OUR CULTURE.
IT'S GIVEN OUR CORPORATE IMAGE
A BLACK EYE.
TERMINATION IS NOT
A SEVERE ENOUGH PUNISHMENT
FOR THE LIKES OF YOU!
OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK!
THEREFORE, IT IS THE DECISION
OF THIS COUNCIL TO HAVE YOU--
TO HAVE US WHAT?
EXTERMINATED, EXPERIMENTED ON?
TRANSFERRED TO OUR
SISTER CORPORATION
IN ALL BALONEY.
ALL BALONEY?
OUR NATION'S
NUMBER ONE PRODUCER
OF SOIL AND GREEN,
A PORCINE DELICACY.
OH, GOOD.
YOU KNOW, WE--
FOR A MINUTE THERE,
I THOUGHT WE WERE GONERS.
CAN YOU--CAN YOU IMAGINE?
WE THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT
ANY HUMAN THAT'S BEEN SENT
TO ALL BALONEY--
HAS NEVER BEEN
HEARD FROM AGAIN.
YOU MEAN SOIL AND GREENS
ARE PEOPLE?
NO, DON'T BE SILLY.
WE'RE VEGETARIANS.
BUT THAT DOES NOT
CHANGE YOUR FATE
AND THE FACT THAT YOU WILL
REMAIN THERE
FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS.
THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED!
THIS DOES NOT
LOOK GOOD, STANLEY.
I KNOW, IF ONLY I HAD MY MASK.
THIS IS THE LAST YOU'LL SEE
OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD
FOR A LONG TIME.
OH, THIS IS REALLY SILLY.
I SAW IT IN A MOVIE ONCE.
-PORTLY?
-PAISLEY?
-STANLEY!
-PEGGY!
WE HAVE SOMETHING
FOR YOU.
HEY, THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, WE LEFT
WITHOUT A GOOD-BYE HUG.
THAT'S NICE,
BUT WHY DON'T WE
JUST GAVE YOU
THIS INSTEAD?
MY MASK!
WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?
MY COUSIN WORKS DOWN
IN WASTE DISPOSAL.
PUT IT ON.
STANLEY, WHAT ARE
YOU WAITING FOR?
DON'T TELL ME
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE
AT ODDS
ABOUT PUTTING IT ON!
NO.
ITS BECAUSE IT SMELLS
LIKE GARBAGE.
PUT IT ON!
WHAT IN HAMNATION
WAS THAT?
YOU TWO ARE SUCH BOARS!
LOOSEN UP!
IT'S PARTY TIME.
HEY, IF THIS VAN'S ROCKIN',
DON'T COME KNOCKIN'.
SHOULDN'T WE HELP THEM?
NAH, THEY'LL BE FINE.
IT'S YOU TWO
I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
BY SAVING US, YOU'VE
CONDEMNED YOURSELVES.
THAT'S TRUE, BUT WE WOULDN'T
WANT TO LIVE
IN A WORLD WHERE SOCIAL STATUS
IS BASED SOLELY
ON WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
BESIDES, OUR CAREERS
WERE GOING NOWHERE.
IT WAS TIME FOR CHANGE.
FUNNY YOU SHOULD
SAY THAT.
THESE LITTLE PIGGIES
COULD USE A CHANGE THEMSELVES.
WE HAVE TO HURRY.
THEY WON'T NAP LONG,
THESE LITTLE DARLINGS.
YEAH, BUT WHERE
WILL WE GO?
THE ONLY PLACE
WE CAN GO
TO ESCAPE THE WRATH
OF DR. MAIUS.
YOU MEAN--
BENEATH--AROUND--UNDER--INTO THE
SOW'S BELLY.
SMOKIN'!
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
THE FLEA-BITTEN ZONE.
IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS
OF SOME LONG-VANISHED
CULTURE, A SUBTERRANEAN GHOST
TOWN THAT'S
OFF LIMITS TO EVERYONE
BUT DR. MAIUS.
AND NOW,
I UNDERSTAND WHY.
THESE ARTIFACTS,
HUMAN IN DESIGN,
WERE CREATED
LONG BEFORE
THE SACRED COBS
WERE EVEN WRITTEN.
HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?
THE EXPIRY DATES, SEE?
UH-OH, MARCH '97?
EAT UP, GUYS!
THEN IT'S TRUE.
THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN HUMANS RULED THE EARTH!
CONGRATULATIONS,
PAISLEY MY DEAR.
YOU'VE MADE
A REMARKABLE DISCOVERY.
UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU'LL NEVER RETURN
TO TELL ANYONE
ABOUT IT.
DR. MAIUS!
YOU MEAN YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT THIS
ALL ALONG?
OF COURSE I KNEW!
THE FLEA-BITTEN ZONE
WAS ONCE A PARADISE
UNTIL THEIR KIND TURNED IT INTO
A GHOST TOWN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THEY SAY THAT
ON NIGHTS JUST LIKE THIS,
HUMAN SPIRITS
RISE TO REVEL
IN A LUAU
OF THE DEAD.
BACON!
PORK CHOPS?
WE'D HEARD
ABOUT SUCH HORRORS,
BUT NEVER THOUGHT
THEY EXISTED!
DR. MAIUS,
YOU MAKE IT STOP!
MAKE IT STOP!
I LOVE SAUSAGES.
SAUSAGES.
SAUSAGES!
DON'T BE ALARMED.
WELL, DOCTOR, IT LOOKS
LIKE THE SHOE
IS ON THE OTHER HOOF.
WELL, KIDS, WE GOT
TO BE SHOVIN' OFF NOW.
ADIOS, SEE YOU, TOOTLES ,
FARE DI SLICE, BYE!
AND GOOD RIDDANCE.
JUST REMEMBER
OUR DEAL, DOCTOR.
NO HARM WILL COME
TO OUR FRIENDS HERE
OR YOU KNOW WHO WILL
PAY YOU ANOTHER VISIT.
IT'LL BE LIKE A SLEEPOVER.
I MEAN, WE CAN TALK
AND PLAY CHARADES
AND DO EACH OTHER'S
HAIR AND GIGGLE
AND TALK ABOUT BOYS.
YES, IT'S A DEAL!
JUST KEEP HIM
AWAY FROM ME!
WHAT?
NO GOOD-BYE
WEDGIES?
NO, NO, NO, NO,
GOOD-BYE WEDGIES.
NO GOOD-BYE WEDGIES!
-BYE!
-BYE!
WHAT WILL THEY FIND
OUT THERE, DOCTOR?
THEIR DESTINY.
STOP!
NO, YOU MANIACS!
YOU FLOODED IT UP!
DARN YOU!
DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!
NO!
HOLD IT, WHAT ABOUT US?
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO GET HOME?
WE ARE HOME, PEGSTER.
THIS IS EARTH, DON'T YOU GET IT?
I GET IT.
BUT THAT STILL
DOESN'T EXPLAIN
HOW WE'RE GONNA GET BACK
TO THE 20TH CENTURY.
NO, YEAH?
TELL ME, PEG.
WHAT DO YOU DO
ON EARTH
WHEN YOU WANT
TO GET SOMEPLACE?
YOU WHISTLE.
YOU CAN WHISTLE,
CAN'T YOU, PEG?
YOU JUST PUCKER
YOUR LIPS AND BLOW.
WHERE TO, MISS?
TO THE 20TH CENTURY,
MY GOOD MAN.
AND STEP ON IT.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
OH, YEAH.
A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN
WITH THE MASK,
BY PEGGY BRANDT.
NEXT STOP,
THE COCO BONGO!
♪
WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪
♪ I'M A LIVIN' LESSON
IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪
♪ JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT STARE ♪
♪ AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪
♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO,
ROMAN-GRECO, ROCOCO, BARROCO, ♪
♪ BE-BOP, HIP-HOP, FLIP-FLOP,
SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪
♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES
LIKE MINE ♪
♪ DON'T COME
A DIME A DOZEN ♪
♪ I STAND OUT
OF THE CROWD ♪
♪ BABE, WHEN THEY
MADE ME, ♪
♪ YEAH, THEY BROKE
THE MOLD ♪
♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND,
STAID AND REFINED, ♪
♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪
♪ ARCH-VILLAINS
AND NE'ER-DO-WELLS ♪
♪ HAD BETTER LEARN
TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪
♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING
IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING I
GOT TO SING ABOUT ♪
♪ OPEN UP WIDE
AND REALLY SHOUT ♪
♪ WHOA, LOOK OUT ♪
♪ THIS IS THE MASK ♪♪
SMOKIN'
PEGGY BRANDT,
NOVEMBER 6TH.
I'M IN A PARKING GARAGE
ON THIRD AND MAIN
WAITING FOR CONTACT
WITH MY SOURCE.
OVER HERE, MS. BRANDT.
DID YOU COME ALONE?
AS PER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS, YES.
ARE YOU STREP THROAT?
OH, THIS IS STUPID.
WHY DO WE HAVE
TO DO THIS?
BECAUSE IT'S MY GAME
AND MY RULES!
NOW, DO YOU WANT
THIS INTERVIEW OR NOT?
YOU KNOW I DO.
IT'S THE STORY
OF A LIFETIME,
ONE-ON-ONE
WITH THE MASK,
BUT A SECRET RENDEZVOUS?
STREP THROAT?
I MEAN, COME ON.
ONE-ON-ONE
WITH THE MASK?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE CALLING
THIS?
YEAH, WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
WELL, RIGHT OFF THE TOP
OF MY HEAD, IT STINKS!
YOU NEED AN ANGLE,
SOMETHING CATCHY,
SOMETHING THAT'LL GRAB 'EM BY
THE EYEBALLS
AND NOT LET GO!
SOMETHING LIKE,
ON THE LAM WITH THE MASK.
A NIGHT ON THE TOWN
WITH THE MASK.
COME, FAIR PEGGY.
OUR SIX-CYLINDER
STEED AWAITS US!
NOT A BAD ANGLE.
A TYPICAL NIGHT
OUT WITH THE MASK.
A NIGHT OUT WITH ME
IS NEVER TYPICAL.
TO THE COCO BONGO!
♪
HEY, YOU WENT
RIGHT BY IT.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW
HOW TO FLY THIS THING?
OH, FOR SURE, MAN.
BUT, LIKE, EVER SINCE
MY COUSIN SPILLED
A MILKSHAKE IN THE CARB,
IT'S BEEN ACTIN' UP.
WE'RE OUT OF CONTROL!
YOU'VE GOT TO STOP IT,
DON'T YOU HEAR?
STOP IT!
I'M OUT OF CONTROL!
SOMEBODY STOP ME!
I MEANT THE SHIP!
STOP THE SHIP!
♪
SPEED TOO GREAT.
LOSING CONSCIOUSNESS.
MUSTN'T BLACK OUT.
WE'LL MISS THE MOVIE.
♪
WHAT A RIDE.
WHERE ARE WE?
OR SHOULD I SAY WHEN ARE WE?
ACCORDING TO THIS,
IT'S THE YEAR 4,996.
MASK, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT I SAID?
I'M UP, I'M UP,
WHERE ARE MY PANTS?
I'M UP, I'M UP!
OH, THANK GOODNESS.
FOR A MINUTE THERE,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE--
DEAD?
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE JAVA,
BABE, YOU'RE
NO BEAUTY QUEEN EITHER.
I MEAN FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING AND ALL.
HONEY, IS THE COFFEE READY?
WE MUST'VE PASSED THROUGH SOME
KIND OF A TIME WARP.
WE'VE BEEN ASLEEP
FOR 3,000 YEARS.
GOOD, 'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU
THE TRUTH.
IF I DON'T GET A SOLID
26,280,008 HOURS OF SLEEP
ONCE IN AWHILE,
I'M A REAL BEAR.
WELL, BOYS AND GIRLS,
WE'RE HERE TO STAY.
WELL, THIS IS JUST GREAT.
ACCORDING TO THIS INVENTORY,
WE'VE ONLY GOT
ENOUGH FOOD AND WATER
FOR 24 HOURS.
WELL, THAT'S WHEN
THE GROCERIES RUN OUT.
AND WHY ARE YOU
TALKING LIKE THAT?
NO REASON, LICORICE?
WILL YOU GET SERIOUS?
I COULD JUST SHAKE YOU!
THANKS TO YOU,
WE'RE STRANDED
ON SOME STRANGE PLANET 3,000
YEARS IN THE FUTURE!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, I SAY WE CHECK
INTO A NICE HOTEL,
TAKE IN THE SIGHTS,
SEE A FEW SHOWS.
YOU DO HAVE AN EXPENSE ACCOUNT,
DON'T YOU?
AND SO IT CAME TO PASS THAT
PEGGY AND THE MASK
BEGAN THEIR ARDUOUS
JOURNEY TOGETHER,
A JOURNEY BORN
OF A DESPERATE STRUGGLE
FOR SURVIVAL AND FUELED BY HOPE
IN THEIR SEARCH
FOR THE LAND
OF MILK AND HONEY
AND FRUIT-LADEN
TREES APLENTY.
IT WAS A TIME
OF GREAT SUFFERING
AND THE WAILING
AND GNASHING OF TEETH
AND MUCH HEARTACHE.
ALL RIGHT, WE GET THE IDEA!
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD
OF SUFFERING IN SILENCE?
NO, BUT I'M SURE
YOUR READERS CAN
TELL US ABOUT IT.
MY READERS, DON'T REMIND ME.
HERE I AM WITH
THE STORY OF THE YEAR,
AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
WITH THE MASK,
AND I'M 3,000 YEARS
TOO LATE.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW
THE OLD SAYING.
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER?
NO, THERE'S A HAIRY BUNCH
OF SAVAGES STANDING
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
HUMANS!
A CITY!
WE'RE SAVED!
♪
YES, BUT WHO ARE
THESE NOBLE CREATURES?
AND HOW DID THEY ARRIVE
AT THIS SORRY JUNCTURE
IN THE COURSE
OF EVOLUTION?
IF ONLY WE HAD
SOME SORT OF CLUE.
IT SAYS HERE, THEY'RE
FROM THE LONG-DEFUNCT
LAW FIRM OF AUDACIOUS, BRAZEN,
AND CRASS.
OF COURSE!
THE STRANGE CLOTHES!
THE LANGUAGE
ALL THEIR OWN.
THEY'RE A DEVOLVED TRIBE
OF ENTERTAINMENT LAWYERS.
WELL, YOU GOT TO FIND A WAY
TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM.
TELL 'EM WE NEED
FOOD AND SHELTER
AND A RIDE HOME.
I HAVE JUST THE THING.
♪
THIS WAY, DOLL.
THEY SAID, AND I QUOTE,
"WE CASA IS YOU CASA."
GREAT, BUT WHERE
ARE THEY GOING?
THE CITY'S THAT WAY.
OH, THEY NO LIVE IN CITY.
CATCHY ALL SAME-SAME.
TOO CROWDED, YOU SAVVY?
PARKING NIGHTMARE.
BUT IF HUMANS DON'T LIVE
IN THE CITY, WHO DOES?
♪
WILL YOU LOOK AT ALL
THE SEASONED BIKERS.
THERE'S DEB AND AL--
MUST BE SOME KIND
OF DAREDEVIL TEAM.
YOU KNOW I ALWAYS GET ROPED IN
BY THESE STUNT SHOWS.
HEY, BOYS!
YOU MIND IF I PUT
MY OWN SPIN ON THINGS?
NOW, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.
TORRO, OLE!
IT IS MY LATEST
WORK OF ART.
I CALL IT
CRASH AND FERN.
MASK!
HELP, COME QUICK!
GOTTA GO, BOYS.
THAT'S THE OLD
BALL AND CHAIN A-CALLIN'.
NOW PAY ATTENTION, PEGGY.
THAT'S NINE DOWN AND--
ONE TO GO, LOOK!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
SAY OINK.
OINK!
OH--
BROTHER.
♪
HEY, THE NEW CROP
OF HUMANS ARE IN.
LET'S HOPE THEY'RE SMARTER THAN
THE LAST BATCH.
YEAH.
YOU JUST CAN'T CATCH
GOOD HELP ANYMORE.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
GOTTA GO, BABE,
EARLY SQUASH GAME.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
NO, I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED?
WHERE ARE WE,
AND WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
THAT WOULD BE ME.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THAT?
NO. NO, NO, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO TAKE THAT FROM HIM.
YOU'RE THE MASK.
GET US OUT OF HERE!
NO CAN DO,
I'M UNDER THEIR SPELL.
YEAH.
WE SLAPPED THE COLLAR
OF COMPLIANCE ON HIM.
THE COLLAR OF COMPLIANCE?
TIRED OF DEALING
WITH PRISONERS
THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY,
FRIENDS?
WANT TO TAKE THE HASSLE
OUT OF PRISON REFORM?
THEN THROW AWAY
ALL THOSE TIRED, OLD
DISCIPLINARY TOOLS AND GET
THE COLLAR OF COMPLIANCE!
WITH THE SIMPLE
PUSH OF A REMOTE
AND A FEW WELL-UTTERED COMMANDS,
YOU TOO CAN HAVE
EVEN THE MOST HARDENED CRIMINALS
JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS.
LAB-TESTED COMMANDS
LIKE ROLL OVER.
PLAY DEAD.
AND STOP LICKING
THOSE FLEAS.
WHY IS HE DOING THAT?
BECAUSE HE CAN.
GIVE ME THAT,
I DON'T WANT YOUR COOTIES.
NOW--NOW JUST SIT
THERE AND STAY.
YOU HEAR, STAY!
AND YOU COME WITH ME.
YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED.
♪
CUSTODIAN.
TOILET SCRUBBER.
THEY'RE TURNING US
INTO SLAVES!
SLAVES OF THEIR CORPORATE
EMPIRE.
EXCUSE ME!
I THINK THERE'S BEEN
A MISTAKE.
MY FRIEND AND I,
WE DON'T BELONG HERE.
WE COME FROM A TIME
WHEN HUMANS RULED THE EARTH.
REALLY, YOU'VE GOT
TO BELIEVE ME.
WE'RE JUST
AS SMART AS YOU.
WE'RE INTELLIGENT.
OH, LOOK, HON.
INTELLIGENT HUMANS.
SURE THEY ARE.
IT'S TRUE.
LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU.
WE HAVE NO TIME
FOR GAMES.
I HAVE A CROSSWORD
TO FINISH.
TAKE HER AWAY.
HEY, I'M NOT THROUGH
WITH THAT.
HERE, TAKE THE ART SECTION.
HERE YOU GO.
WHY, IF SHE WEREN'T
A GIRL, I'D--
EASY, ROD.
NO HARM DONE.
OKAY, I NEED A NINE-LETTER WORD
FOR STUBBORN.
PIGHEADED!
SO YOU SEE, DR. MAIUS,
THEY'RE VERY CLEVER.
AND SO MUCH MORE ADVANCED
THAN OTHER HUMANS,
ESPECIALLY
THE GREEN-FACED ONE.
TEACHER'S PET.
JEALOUS?
THEIR INTELLIGENCE
IS EXACTLY
WHAT CONCERNS
ME, PAISLEY.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN
OUR LAWS?
THE TEACHINGS
OF OUR SACRED COBS?
THE SACRED COBS!
THE WISDOM
OF THE OLD ONES.
BEWARE THE BEAST MAN
FOR IN HIM LIES THE ROOT
OF ALL EVIL.
SHUN HIM.
CAST HIM OUT.
HE IS THE HARBINGER
OF DOOM,
THE EATER OF PORK!
HEY, DON'T KNOCK IT
TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT.
YOU SEE?
SAVAGES!
GUARDS, TAKE THEM AWAY.
READY, AIM--
WAIT, DOCTOR, MAYBE WE CAN
REFORM THEM.
YOU MEAN BREAK THEM
OF THEIR LOVE OF PORK?
IMPOSSIBLE!
I'M WITH OLD DOC MAIUS
ON THIS ONE, PAIS.
YOU CAN'T MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT
OF A SOW'S EAR.
BUT THEY DO MAKE DANDY HANDLES,
DON'T THEY?
OKAY, ENOUGH!
THESE HUMANS
ARE A THREAT
TO OUR VERY EXISTENCE.
I WANT THEM TERMINATED
IMMEDIATELY!
TERMINATED?
IT IS I WHO WILL BE DOING
THE TERMINATING AROUND HERE,
YOU FLABBY, LITTLE, GIRLY PIGS.
♪
NO, COME BACK!
HE SAID TERMINATED,
NOT EXTERMINATED!
YOU'VE BEING FIRED,
NOT EXECUTED.
LOOK WHAT YOUR MEDDLING
HAS DONE.
NOW WE HAVE AN ARMED LUNATIC
ON OUR HANDS.
HEY, THERE, SORRY TO JUST DROP
IN LIKE THIS.
I'M JUST SUCH A HAM.
-THERE HE IS!
-HEY!
CALLING ALL SOWS,
CALLING ALL SOWS.
FOOD FIGHT AT THE CORNER OF PORK
AND BEANS.
SEE THE MASKED MAN, OVER.
♪
THIS GREASED PIGGY
WENT TO MARKET.
THESE LITTLE PIGGIES
STAYED HOME.
THIS LITTLE PIGGY
SERVED ROAST BEEF.
AND THIS ANGRY PIGGY
HAD NONE.
THEN THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT
HE-HE-HE ALL THE WAY--
HEY, I CAN'T BUDGE!
I'M A STUCK PIG.
WHERE AM I?
WHAT HAPPENED?
AND WHY DOES MY HAIR
SMELL LIKE BACON GREASE?
PIGS, PUT ME DOWN.
PIGS?
WALKING, TALKING PIGS.
I MUST BE HAVING
A NIGHTMARE.
HEY, SOMEBODY PINCH ME.
OW!
LOOK AT THE HUMAN.
WHAT A DIMWIT.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
YOU KEEP YOUR STINKING COMMENTS
TO YOURSELF,
YOU DARN DIRTY SWINE!
WELL, BE--BECAUSE,
YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING NICE
TO SAY, WELL,
THEN YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T SAY
ANYTHING AT ALL,
YOU SEE, BUT--
♪
YOUR OUTBURST HAS MADE
A MOCKERY OF OUR CULTURE.
IT'S GIVEN OUR CORPORATE IMAGE
A BLACK EYE.
TERMINATION IS NOT
A SEVERE ENOUGH PUNISHMENT
FOR THE LIKES OF YOU!
OINK, OINK, OINK, OINK!
THEREFORE, IT IS THE DECISION
OF THIS COUNCIL TO HAVE YOU--
TO HAVE US WHAT?
EXTERMINATED, EXPERIMENTED ON?
TRANSFERRED TO OUR
SISTER CORPORATION
IN ALL BALONEY.
ALL BALONEY?
OUR NATION'S
NUMBER ONE PRODUCER
OF SOIL AND GREEN,
A PORCINE DELICACY.
OH, GOOD.
YOU KNOW, WE--
FOR A MINUTE THERE,
I THOUGHT WE WERE GONERS.
CAN YOU--CAN YOU IMAGINE?
WE THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT
ANY HUMAN THAT'S BEEN SENT
TO ALL BALONEY--
HAS NEVER BEEN
HEARD FROM AGAIN.
YOU MEAN SOIL AND GREENS
ARE PEOPLE?
NO, DON'T BE SILLY.
WE'RE VEGETARIANS.
BUT THAT DOES NOT
CHANGE YOUR FATE
AND THE FACT THAT YOU WILL
REMAIN THERE
FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS.
THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED!
THIS DOES NOT
LOOK GOOD, STANLEY.
I KNOW, IF ONLY I HAD MY MASK.
THIS IS THE LAST YOU'LL SEE
OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD
FOR A LONG TIME.
OH, THIS IS REALLY SILLY.
I SAW IT IN A MOVIE ONCE.
-PORTLY?
-PAISLEY?
-STANLEY!
-PEGGY!
WE HAVE SOMETHING
FOR YOU.
HEY, THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, WE LEFT
WITHOUT A GOOD-BYE HUG.
THAT'S NICE,
BUT WHY DON'T WE
JUST GAVE YOU
THIS INSTEAD?
MY MASK!
WHERE'D YOU FIND IT?
MY COUSIN WORKS DOWN
IN WASTE DISPOSAL.
PUT IT ON.
STANLEY, WHAT ARE
YOU WAITING FOR?
DON'T TELL ME
IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE
AT ODDS
ABOUT PUTTING IT ON!
NO.
ITS BECAUSE IT SMELLS
LIKE GARBAGE.
PUT IT ON!
WHAT IN HAMNATION
WAS THAT?
YOU TWO ARE SUCH BOARS!
LOOSEN UP!
IT'S PARTY TIME.
HEY, IF THIS VAN'S ROCKIN',
DON'T COME KNOCKIN'.
SHOULDN'T WE HELP THEM?
NAH, THEY'LL BE FINE.
IT'S YOU TWO
I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
BY SAVING US, YOU'VE
CONDEMNED YOURSELVES.
THAT'S TRUE, BUT WE WOULDN'T
WANT TO LIVE
IN A WORLD WHERE SOCIAL STATUS
IS BASED SOLELY
ON WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
BESIDES, OUR CAREERS
WERE GOING NOWHERE.
IT WAS TIME FOR CHANGE.
FUNNY YOU SHOULD
SAY THAT.
THESE LITTLE PIGGIES
COULD USE A CHANGE THEMSELVES.
WE HAVE TO HURRY.
THEY WON'T NAP LONG,
THESE LITTLE DARLINGS.
YEAH, BUT WHERE
WILL WE GO?
THE ONLY PLACE
WE CAN GO
TO ESCAPE THE WRATH
OF DR. MAIUS.
YOU MEAN--
BENEATH--AROUND--UNDER--INTO THE
SOW'S BELLY.
SMOKIN'!
WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
THE FLEA-BITTEN ZONE.
IT'S ALL THAT REMAINS
OF SOME LONG-VANISHED
CULTURE, A SUBTERRANEAN GHOST
TOWN THAT'S
OFF LIMITS TO EVERYONE
BUT DR. MAIUS.
AND NOW,
I UNDERSTAND WHY.
THESE ARTIFACTS,
HUMAN IN DESIGN,
WERE CREATED
LONG BEFORE
THE SACRED COBS
WERE EVEN WRITTEN.
HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?
THE EXPIRY DATES, SEE?
UH-OH, MARCH '97?
EAT UP, GUYS!
THEN IT'S TRUE.
THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN HUMANS RULED THE EARTH!
CONGRATULATIONS,
PAISLEY MY DEAR.
YOU'VE MADE
A REMARKABLE DISCOVERY.
UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU'LL NEVER RETURN
TO TELL ANYONE
ABOUT IT.
DR. MAIUS!
YOU MEAN YOU'VE KNOWN ABOUT THIS
ALL ALONG?
OF COURSE I KNEW!
THE FLEA-BITTEN ZONE
WAS ONCE A PARADISE
UNTIL THEIR KIND TURNED IT INTO
A GHOST TOWN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THEY SAY THAT
ON NIGHTS JUST LIKE THIS,
HUMAN SPIRITS
RISE TO REVEL
IN A LUAU
OF THE DEAD.
BACON!
PORK CHOPS?
WE'D HEARD
ABOUT SUCH HORRORS,
BUT NEVER THOUGHT
THEY EXISTED!
DR. MAIUS,
YOU MAKE IT STOP!
MAKE IT STOP!
I LOVE SAUSAGES.
SAUSAGES.
SAUSAGES!
DON'T BE ALARMED.
WELL, DOCTOR, IT LOOKS
LIKE THE SHOE
IS ON THE OTHER HOOF.
WELL, KIDS, WE GOT
TO BE SHOVIN' OFF NOW.
ADIOS, SEE YOU, TOOTLES ,
FARE DI SLICE, BYE!
AND GOOD RIDDANCE.
JUST REMEMBER
OUR DEAL, DOCTOR.
NO HARM WILL COME
TO OUR FRIENDS HERE
OR YOU KNOW WHO WILL
PAY YOU ANOTHER VISIT.
IT'LL BE LIKE A SLEEPOVER.
I MEAN, WE CAN TALK
AND PLAY CHARADES
AND DO EACH OTHER'S
HAIR AND GIGGLE
AND TALK ABOUT BOYS.
YES, IT'S A DEAL!
JUST KEEP HIM
AWAY FROM ME!
WHAT?
NO GOOD-BYE
WEDGIES?
NO, NO, NO, NO,
GOOD-BYE WEDGIES.
NO GOOD-BYE WEDGIES!
-BYE!
-BYE!
WHAT WILL THEY FIND
OUT THERE, DOCTOR?
THEIR DESTINY.
STOP!
NO, YOU MANIACS!
YOU FLOODED IT UP!
DARN YOU!
DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!
NO!
HOLD IT, WHAT ABOUT US?
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO GET HOME?
WE ARE HOME, PEGSTER.
THIS IS EARTH, DON'T YOU GET IT?
I GET IT.
BUT THAT STILL
DOESN'T EXPLAIN
HOW WE'RE GONNA GET BACK
TO THE 20TH CENTURY.
NO, YEAH?
TELL ME, PEG.
WHAT DO YOU DO
ON EARTH
WHEN YOU WANT
TO GET SOMEPLACE?
YOU WHISTLE.
YOU CAN WHISTLE,
CAN'T YOU, PEG?
YOU JUST PUCKER
YOUR LIPS AND BLOW.
WHERE TO, MISS?
TO THE 20TH CENTURY,
MY GOOD MAN.
AND STEP ON IT.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
OH, YEAH.
A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN
WITH THE MASK,
BY PEGGY BRANDT.
NEXT STOP,
THE COCO BONGO!
♪