The Mask (1995–1997): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Aceman Cometh - full transcript

[yelling]

♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪

♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪

♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪

♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪

♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪

♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪

Somebody stop me!

♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪

Don't come a dime a dozen
I stand out of the crowd!

♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪



Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!

♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪

♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪

Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?

♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪

Open up wide and really shout!

Whoa, look out!

♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪

Smokin'!

Nothin' like sunshine
to get a little color
on your face, eh, Milo?

[sighs]

- [squeaking]
- [whimpers]

You know what
would hit the spot?

A nice frozen confection!



Excellent.

Thanks to my neuro-suckulator,

I now possess the means
to conquer Edge City.

What do you know?
It's the Bad Humor
Man himself!

Got any Italian Ices
in here, soda jerk?

The Mask!

I'll ice you!

[chuckling]

Hoo-yah!

Why didn't you
just say you weren't
the ice cream man?

Milo! Play ball!

[growls]

Home plate, you bum!
Home plate!

[grunts]

He's out!

Milo! We need a
medic over here!

Blink twice if you
can hear me, boy.

[barks]

I said, "Blink twice,"
soldier. Not "swap spit!"

You call that a ray-gun,
Pretorius? [laughs]

Didn't even singe the dog.

[gasps]

The contents of my
neuro-suckulator

have been downloaded
into an unintended host!

Mental note...

Get that dog.

[yawning] What a day.

Night, Milo.

[Milo sighs]

[chuckles sleepily]

[snoring]

[whimpers]

[chuckles]

Milo! Milo's gone!

What if he ran away?
Or was dog-napped?

Sold for laboratory
experiments...

What do I do?

Where do I look?

[panting] I've got to find him!

That's right!

Celebrating the centennial
of the birth of Limbo,

the Coco Bongo proudly present,

Limbo-Lympics!

The party starts now,
and goes all night long!

La, la, la! I can't hear you!

[yelling] It's no use.

It's seared into my brain.

Wear the mask,
get Limbo fever,

and risk not finding Milo!

[man on TV] Hey you!
Missing a pet?

Hurts, doesn't it?

Like having your kneecaps
broken by creditors!

This TV ad was expensive,
so help us both out and hire me,

the world's best and
only pet detective.

[tires screeching]

[gibbering]

Ace Ventura?

I'm his assistant.

Mr. Ventura will be with
you as soon as he finishes

scouting your foyer for clues.

Can I offer you something
while you wait?

A beverage, perhaps?

Ah, no thank you.

[gibbering]

Spike needs to
use the facilities.

It's a long ride
from Miami,

during which,
we enjoyed a variety
of high fiber snacks.

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

All righty, then.

The Jack Russell Terrier fur
I found on your doorstep
is over 24 hours old.

I... see. So?

So? That means your
beloved Milo left or
was absconded off with

via the only other means
in your apartment...

- The window.
- The window?

That's a three-story drop.

That's absurd.

I don't tell you
how to comb your hair,

don't tell me
how to do my job!

Two words:
styling gel.

Now, do you know
anyone with a motive
to wish Milo harm?

No. Not that
I can think of...

My nose!

Ipkiss!

I heard your
mangy mutt was gone.

Good timing.
I'm starting a
no pets policy.

I think we have
our first suspect.

[toilet flushes]

[humming]

[shouting]

Say hello to Mr. Stinky!

[Mrs. Peenman yelling]

Let me out! Let me out!

Do not go in there
without an oxygen tank.

[gagging, spraying]

What do you know about
the dog, you cut rate
chicken hands?

What do you know?

[Mrs. Peenman] Nothing!
I swear, nothing!

Let me out!

What'd I get myself into?

I don't know who's crazier.
This guy or the Mask?

- [yelps]
- [gibbering]

[Stanley] No!

[panting]

Mr. Stinky
would've cracked her.

She's clean.

The closet!

Always a good
source for clues.

No! I mean, it's...
full of dirty socks.

You do not want to go
in there. [chuckling]

- Please.
- [laughing] Fair enough.

Come on, Spike.
Let's find us a
Jack Russell Terrier.

I'll come with you.

I'm sorry,
but I can't
let you do that.

Insurance regulations
prohibit non-professionals

from entering the work area.

Ipkiss is hiding something.
Something inside that closet!

Could be an inside job,
Spike... Spike? Spike!

Oh, man.
This Ace character's
kind of... unwell.

Milo's safety may depend
on the Mask after all.

[rumbling]

Smokin'!

Ah...

Ipkiss has a
partner in crime.

Hm. No sign of
the pet dick.

Oh, well.
Can't say I didn't try.

It's Limbo time!

[Ace] Hold it right
there, fancy pants!

- Hm?
- I'm taking you down

for the abduction
of one Milo the dog.

Oh yeah? Try it.

I will!

After a brief pause,

for a fresh change of shorts.

[guns cocking]

Put the military
industrial complex down.

We don't want anyone
to get hurt. [grunts]

[shouts]

I can do anything.

I am the Wedginator.

Wedgie!

You messed up the do.

And nobody messes with the do!

A little more off the top?

Gee, let me think.

Either, A,
I'm losing my mind.

Or, B, you possess
super human powers

dictated by the laws
of cartoon physics.

You're one smart
cookie, Cubby.

Confess!

What's your motive?
Where's the dog?

- [birds chirping]
- Hey!

A little loyalty,
feathered friends.
I'm a pet detective!

Come on, come on.
A clue, anything that
might lead me to Milo.

- [alarm ringing]
- Rise and shine!

[yelling]

[Ace yelling]

Limbo-Lympics?

Ole. A man after
my own heart.

[all groaning]

My spine...

Ladies and gentlemen,

we having a new world record!

[all cheering, clapping]

Not so fast...
That's my medal.

Yeah? Earn it, chump.

[cheering]

A new champion!

We know how low
you can go...

How high can you fly?

[all] Ooh...

You know, I do
love a challenge.

- [yelling]
- Yahoo's a who?

[continues yelling]

[screams]

Whoa. The bugs get
bigger every summer.

Doyle! That's the Mask!

Excellent follow
through, boys.

Take him downtown
and book him.

- Why, who are you...
- Shh.

[man on radio]
All points bulletin!
Now, listen up.

Breaking and entering
in progress at the
MacGuffin Space Center.

One of the perpetrators
has been identified
as a D-O-G...

-[yelps]
- ...I repeat, a dog.

- What kind of dog is it?
- That's police property
you're breathing all over.

And I highly recommend
disinfecting it before
using it again.

That's Gin!

Sorry, officers, but
that could be our dog.

Which means this man
is innocent of the crime
I accused him of.

Unless he's capable
of being in two places
at once, which I doubt.

I'm sorry,
did you say something?

I'm taking him downtown
and booking him,

and you're going with him.

I'm sorry,
but a certain dog's
safety dictates...

that I just can't
let you do that!

Take care now!
Bye-bye, then.

Somebody stop us!
[cackles]

[struggling]

[screams]

That's impossible.
Only one person in the world
knows those security codes.

Hey, what's
with the dog?

The final access code,
my canine partner in crime.

[whistles] Pretorius,
I'm calling you out.

Gee, I never thought
the suspect would be
a robot.

Never mind that, deputy.

When he draws,
grab the pooch.

Ahh!

[screams]

Dang, messed up the do.

Come on, boy.

[barks]

The dog has served its purpose.

Thanks to you, Mask,

I now have what I came for.

Yes, yes!
We got the dog!

Then my work
here is done.

I'm a space age bachelor
with parties to attend,
and people to wedgie.

Ooh-boo-du-boo,
little fella.

Ready to go home
to Stanley?

My good man, I can't
say I know a Stanley.

And what exactly
do you mean by
"Ooh-boo-du-boo?"

- [gasps]
- [both scream]

[screams]
The horror!

[screams]
The humanity!

- Then again, talking dog.
- [cash register opening]

[clears throat]
Perhaps I can
clarify matters.

My name is
Professor Quartermass,

I'm an astronomer at the
MacGuffin Space Center.

Somehow, I've come
to possess the body
of this dog.

Well, I'll be the
dot on my head.

I'm receiving a
message from beyond:

"If his brain is
in Milo's body..."
You think?

Milo's brain
is in Professor
Quartermass's body?

Pretorius performed
a brain switch!

Words I thought
I'd never speak.

I have two very
important questions.

Where were you
when you suddenly
became like a dog?

Actually, I was on my
lunch break enjoying the
sunshine in Landfill Park.

Landfill Park, of course.

That's where we'll find
Professor Quartermass,

and Milo's brain.

I'm sorry, you had
a second question?

Right. As a talking dog,
perhaps you can enlighten me.

The butt sniffing thing.
What's that about?

So, Pretorius obviously
owns a brain sucking machine

that zapped the
Professor's brainwaves,

which Pretorius
accidentally zapped into Milo,

thus giving Pretorius a
motive for the dog-napping.

And you were here
in Landfill Park to
see it all happen!

Do you have to keep
talking about brains?

I mean, it's kind of gross.

And Pretorius forced you
to reveal the access code
to the space center.

So he could steal
the greatest find
of the century.

- That's right!
- Milo!

[whimpering, panting]

[laughing] Milo!

Oh, that's rather
hard on the eyes.

Yuck!

[chuckling]
You know, he really...
reminds me of me.

OK, we've got the dog,
we've got the dog's brain,

now we just need the
brain sucking machine
to switch them both back.

So, where do we
find Pretorius?

I'm sorry,
I can't help you there.

During the walk from his
hideout to the space center,

I was unfortunately
focused on one thing.

Please tell.

[clears throat] A bone.

Pretorius...
bribed me with the bone.

Well, you walked.
Did nature call?

[sighs]

Seven or eight
times all told.

It would seem dogs have
rather weak bladders.

Professor Quartermass,
you left a trail.

Now lead the way.

The abandoned power station!

[both yelling]

[panting] About time!
My dogs are barkin'.

[barking]

By the way,
in case we don't
make it out alive,

I just want you
to know one thing...

- Figured it out.
- Figured what out?

- [barking]
- [yelps]

Animals don't lie
and Milo's actions,

as represented by
Professor Quartermass,

clearly indicate what can
only be the intimate bond
between pet and owner.

That, being one
Stanley Ipkiss.

Which means he and you
must be one and the same!

Besides,
my monkey's got photos.

- Cheater.
- [barks]

- [barks]
- Shh.

[Pretorius] You are too
late to stop me, Mask.

For, you see, with
the help of Professor
Quartermass's brain,

I stole the satellite
probe fresh from its
mission to Mars.

Within it, a highly
valuable specimen:

A fossil containing the DNA

of a prehistoric
Martian life form.

Or, should I say,
used to contain?

For mere moments ago,
I reanimated the DNA

to bring you
ancient Martian man.

Talking dogs, maybe.

Life on Mars?
I don't think so.

[growling]

- [both scream]
- Destroy them!

[growling]

- That's the brain sucker?
- Yep.

Take care then.
Bye-bye now.

[grunting]

[grunting]

I will pin you like...

an easily pinned thing.

- [groans]
- [growls]

But first...

some immediate
medical attention!

OK...

All righty, say "headcheese."

'Cause you're about to
have your brain switched!

[yelling]

You are not champion
Limbo material.

Oh, I really hurt him! Ah!

[Pretorius] I say...

[Martian growling]

- [Professor] Mental note...
- [Ace] All righty then.

- [gibbering]
- [Pretorius] I say...

[grunts]

[Mask] Waiter...

[Martian growling]

[Spike laughs]

[Martian growls]

[Mask] Smokin'!

Round and round she goes,

where she stops...

[growls]

[grunts]

- [Professor] Good show...
- [panting]

- I say...
- Mental note...

[indistinct chatter]

[growling]

- [gibbering]
- [growling]

Fighting dirty...
Capital idea.

Allow me to locate
the brute's center
of gravity.

[grunts]

This could be scary...

like a glove.

I've got my brain!
I've got my brain!

[barking, pants]

Good show.

Peter Piper picked a pot
of pickled peppers.

- Oh, yeah!
- This is very bad indeed.

Losers!

[Pretorius] Stop!
Help me get out of here!

Oh, no! Help!

With your permission,
I'll send our Martian back
to Mars where he belongs.

Mind and body!

Hey, listen, thanks for
everything, Ace, really.

But, there's just
one tiny little thing.

[chuckles] I'm gonna
need those photos.

[gibbers]

[sighs, chuckles]

This is one secret
I'd like to keep a secret.

No sweat,
my dual natured compadre.

Take care then. Bye-bye now.

[chuckles] See you.

[sighs]

My mask!

Spike, where we're going,

they don't have masks.

Wait! Come back!

[sobbing]