The Mask (1995–1997): Season 3, Episode 1 - Magic - full transcript
[yelling]
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
[Kellaway] Sunrise.
That green clown's been
in there a long time.
- [snoring]
- He's gotta come
out some time
and when he does,
we'll pinch him hard.
Wow. Davida Steelmine's
my favorite magician in
the whole world.
Do you like magic,
Lieutenant?
You mean
smoke and mirrors?
Sure, Doyle.
Almost as much as I like
stepping on a rusty nail.
Oh, goody-goody.
Bet you didn't know
I was an amateur magician.
Watch...
I'll pull this egg...
out of your ear.
OK, give me a magic word.
How about,
you annoy me.
Excellent.
That's a good one.
You annoy me...
- [grunts]
- Hello?
Mr. Egg?
Smokin'!
Between us magicians,
wrong ear.
The Mask!
[grunting]
[Mask] Got it!
[grunting] It's a big 'un!
[chuckles]
Congratulations,
Lieutenant.
[Mask] It's a boy!
Whoa.
He's good.
Observe.
Nothin' up my sleeves.
Presto!
[growling]
Oh... looks like
you're primed for
one grade-A wedgie!
[grunting]
You know, I don't see
any smoke and mirrors,
Lieutenant.
[grunting] Doyle...
Somebody stop me!
[squawks]
Well, big plans
tonight, Stan?
[chuckles] You betcha!
I got a backstage pass
to see Davida Steelmine.
Oh, Charlie,
I have waited
10 years for this.
Hm. I didn't think
they sold tickets
that far in advance.
That's not what I mean.
She's from here
you know, Charlie.
Oh, yeah. I went to
high school with her.
[chuckles] Her name
then was Vicky Pratt.
Charlie, she was the
class valedictorian,
the head cheerleader,
and homecoming queen.
Oh, man. I had the
biggest crush on her.
Of course, I could
never work up the
nerve to speak to her.
That's a very touching
story, Stanley.
Yeah, thank you.
I wonder if
she'll remember me?
Most likely not,
so I'll save you
the heartache.
I need you to do
the annual audit by
tomorrow morning.
Tomor... but you're
the bank manager.
That's your job.
I'm... delegating.
Oh, and Stanley,
can I borrow your tux?
I want to make
a good impression
when I meet...
[sighing] Davida.
Charlie!
[radio host] It's
the biggest turnout
we've ever seen
at the Coco Bongo
for the sole appearance of
our own Davida Steelmine!
Oh, why do I feel like
Cinderella without the
Fairy Godmother?
A robbery?
- [growling]
- Ow!
That was unusual.
Uh, the vault?
Hey, I got news
for you, buddy.
You are being watched
by surveillance cameras!
Uh-huh. Yep, that's right.
[screams] Aliens!
Oh, OK, OK.
I'll open it.
There's only
one thing to do...
I gotta get the mask!
[Doyle] Um, Lieutenant,
your pants...
Doyle, I know.[breaks squealing]
Ipkiss looks like he's
in a big hurry tonight.
[panting, gasps]
[grunts] Not now, Milo!
[barks]
The bank is being robbed
by alien beings beyond
Stanley's control!
This is a job for...
Supercalifragilistic-
yabbadabba-uber-Mask!
But first...
I've got a backstage date
with a really cute conjurer.
[growling]
[growling]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you,
Fairy Dogmother!
[whines]
Wow. How'd he do that?
Hand over that wand.
I'll get you... Mask.
To the Coco Bongo!
[horses neighing]
[audience cheering]
[whistles]
Ahoooga!
Sm-Sm-Smoke... Smokin'.
She's a babe.
My next illusion will
require a volunteer
from the audience.
Me! Me! Me!
Pick me! Me! Me!
Uh... step right up.
I would do anything
for you. Anything!
Let us always be together.
Please, step
inside the box.
I will now saw
the subject in two.
[screams]
What are you doing?
It hurts! It hurts!
[screaming]
[applause]
[cheering]
[gasps]
My legs. My legs!
I can't feel my legs!
I'm only half the man
I was before I met you.
[audience cheers]
Say, sugar, let's
you and me disappear
after the show and
make some real magic,
huh?
Dream on.
Hey! How'd she do that?
[humming]
The Mask? What are
you doing here?
Hey... is that
a backstage pass?
You can take that
to the bank!
Eegads! That reminds me...
Surrender, alien bottom feeders!
Super Mask is here!
Oh, Stanley is going to
hate me in the morning.
[Kellaway] You sure were
in a big hurry last night
about the time the bank
was robbed, Ipkiss.
[stammering] Well, I was
rushing home to get help.
From who, your dog?
Ever think of calling
the cops?
Well, yeah, I tried,
but the phone melted,
and I tried to press the
alarm, but it bit me.
Oh, and then these
aliens threatened me
with death rays,
and blasted the
surveillance cameras.
You mean those cameras?
Yeah... [gasps]
We viewed the
surveillance tapes.
Just you, opening the vault.
Not an alien in sight.
Oh, it was aliens.
[Charlie] I'm putting you
on mental leave, Stanley.
- Unpaid, of course.
- Yeah, I understand.
And don't try
to leave town.
The Mask has something
to do with this,
and Ipkiss is going to
lead us right to him.
My boss thinks I'm crazy,
and the cops think
I'm a criminal.
But worst of all,
I never got to
see Vicky again.
[thunder rumbling]
[whistles] Wow.
That's some egg. [gasps]
Uh, Vicky?
Vicky Pratt?
Uh... I'm...
[clears throat]
I'm not sure if
you'd remember me.
Stanley? Stanley Ipkiss?
[stammering] Yeah.
Remember you?
I can't believe
we're actually talking!
Would you believe
I could never work up
the nerve to speak to you
back in high school?
[laughing] Don't be...
Really?
Well, Vicky, tell me more?
[alarm ringing]
Don't touch the artwork.
Ow. I'm sorry.
[sighs] Beautiful
piece, isn't it?
It completely blows my mind.
Stanley, I was going to
leave on the next train,
but since you've
missed my act,
I'm going to do an
encore show tonight
just for you.
This makes you
my special guest at
tonight's performance.
And maybe we could
go out after?
[groans]
[humming]
[gasps]
The aliens at the museum!
Oh, not again, not now.
OK, think, think, think.
If I run home
and get the mask,
I can clear my name...
and miss the show.
Or, I can see the show and
let the museum be robbed.
Or, if I hurry,
maybe I can do both.
[high-pitched humming]
Greetings, alien visitors.
I come in peace.
[yelps]
[grunts]
Since you choose not to
give peace a chance,
prepare to be incinerated,
unfriendly intergalactic types.
Space entities... not so fast!
Holy, unsolved mysteries...
They're ghosts
and they're aliens!
[grunts]
You didn't see that.
[stammering] Stanley,
aren't you supposed
to be at the show?
I'm seeing quite
a show right here.
So, you robbed
the bank last night,
huh, Davida?
But how can you be
in two places at
the same time?
I'm an illusionist, Stanley.
[cheering]
And it's merely my illusion
on stage at the Coco Bongo.
Giving me the perfect alibi.
The alien intruders
are just a diversion,
but illusions can't carry
their weight in gold
or jeweled eggs,
for that matter.
So, you stayed in town
to steal the egg,
not to see me.
I came here today
to find the egg.
But then I found you.
Do you think I would
give away all my secrets
if I didn't like you,
Stanley?
Magicians never give
away their secrets...
Oh no, oh no.
I want to be
with Vicky Pratt,
not Davida Steelmine.
I'm sorry to hear
that, Stanley.
If you change your mind,
meet me at the train
station by midnight.
Vicky Pratt is
just an illusion
and Davida Steelmine
is a criminal.
Not you again.
What are you anyway?
I am outraged.
Outraged! How could you?
What can I say?
I like jewels.
No, I mean, why settle for
Stanley when you can have me?
Don't be the fool.
I am the only
man for you.
There is no use
resisting my charms.
You know you
cannot fight it.
Yes.
Mm...
Fooled ya.
Hi. We can double date.
Don't think so.
[laughing]
You are so...
how you say,
tresprovocative.
Bon voyage, Casanova.
I've got a train to catch.
Oh, yeah. She digs me.
[struggling]
I know there's a trick to this.
OK. So, Houdini I'm not.
[engine nearing]
I knew you really loved me!
Oh. It's you.
What happened?
Your pal, Ipkiss,
double cross you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mr. G-Man
Can we please hurry this up?
At midnight I turn
into a pumpkin!
Start talking, Mask.
I'm itching to book you.
I'll tell you anything
if you show me how to
get out of this thing!
That's easy.
There's always a
weak link. See?
Wedgie! [cackles]
[muffled speech]
- [Mask] Davida!
- Stanley?
Give it up, sister.
I'm not the jealous type!
How do I get
rid of you?
I just cannot take
my eye off you!
[grunting]
Aah!
It would seem the hand
is quicker than the eye.
[panting]
[grunting]
Hey! Davida Steelmine, right?
Loved your show.
Looked for you backstage.
Hola. Need a lift?
[whistles]
Hey! Whoa!
Ow! Ah!
She will learn to love me.
[snoring]
[Charlie yelling]
[continues shouting]
What was that?
That was Davida Steelmine
riding a flying bank manager.
- Neat, huh?
- There's our perp.
- [yelling]
- Heads up!
[shouting]
Will you get lost?
[gasps]
[screaming]
[Charlie screaming]
I got ya!
I knew you'd fall
for me sooner or later.
[groans]
But I...
Boy, you really can't
take a hint, can you?
What are you...
Does this mean you really
do like Stanley more than me?
[gasps] You figured it out.
You're a genius.
I know. Well, in that case,
I might as well put a stop
to your criminal kind.
Proceed at your own risk.
I do more than just illusions.
[gasps]
Put that in your hat
and smoke it.
Well, well, well, Lieutenant.
Guess what?
You're just in time to
meet the real culprit!
Davida Steelmine.
Good, Doyle.
Looks like she's packing
the jewelry from the bank
and the egg from
the museum.
What makes you think
this will hold me?
Hm. I guess because I
removed the weak link.
[groaning]
No fair.
Hear that, Lieutenant?
Me and the Mask.
We could be one
top notch magician act.
Doyle. Drop it.
Um... Ms. Steelmine,
I'm a big fan.
You know, of yours.
Could you give me
any tips on how to
do the egg trick?
Oh, I'm sorry...
Oh, Lieutenant...
[growls] Huh?
Abracadabra.
[laughing] Suckers.
Ooh... She's a tricky one.
Smokin'!
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
[Kellaway] Sunrise.
That green clown's been
in there a long time.
- [snoring]
- He's gotta come
out some time
and when he does,
we'll pinch him hard.
Wow. Davida Steelmine's
my favorite magician in
the whole world.
Do you like magic,
Lieutenant?
You mean
smoke and mirrors?
Sure, Doyle.
Almost as much as I like
stepping on a rusty nail.
Oh, goody-goody.
Bet you didn't know
I was an amateur magician.
Watch...
I'll pull this egg...
out of your ear.
OK, give me a magic word.
How about,
you annoy me.
Excellent.
That's a good one.
You annoy me...
- [grunts]
- Hello?
Mr. Egg?
Smokin'!
Between us magicians,
wrong ear.
The Mask!
[grunting]
[Mask] Got it!
[grunting] It's a big 'un!
[chuckles]
Congratulations,
Lieutenant.
[Mask] It's a boy!
Whoa.
He's good.
Observe.
Nothin' up my sleeves.
Presto!
[growling]
Oh... looks like
you're primed for
one grade-A wedgie!
[grunting]
You know, I don't see
any smoke and mirrors,
Lieutenant.
[grunting] Doyle...
Somebody stop me!
[squawks]
Well, big plans
tonight, Stan?
[chuckles] You betcha!
I got a backstage pass
to see Davida Steelmine.
Oh, Charlie,
I have waited
10 years for this.
Hm. I didn't think
they sold tickets
that far in advance.
That's not what I mean.
She's from here
you know, Charlie.
Oh, yeah. I went to
high school with her.
[chuckles] Her name
then was Vicky Pratt.
Charlie, she was the
class valedictorian,
the head cheerleader,
and homecoming queen.
Oh, man. I had the
biggest crush on her.
Of course, I could
never work up the
nerve to speak to her.
That's a very touching
story, Stanley.
Yeah, thank you.
I wonder if
she'll remember me?
Most likely not,
so I'll save you
the heartache.
I need you to do
the annual audit by
tomorrow morning.
Tomor... but you're
the bank manager.
That's your job.
I'm... delegating.
Oh, and Stanley,
can I borrow your tux?
I want to make
a good impression
when I meet...
[sighing] Davida.
Charlie!
[radio host] It's
the biggest turnout
we've ever seen
at the Coco Bongo
for the sole appearance of
our own Davida Steelmine!
Oh, why do I feel like
Cinderella without the
Fairy Godmother?
A robbery?
- [growling]
- Ow!
That was unusual.
Uh, the vault?
Hey, I got news
for you, buddy.
You are being watched
by surveillance cameras!
Uh-huh. Yep, that's right.
[screams] Aliens!
Oh, OK, OK.
I'll open it.
There's only
one thing to do...
I gotta get the mask!
[Doyle] Um, Lieutenant,
your pants...
Doyle, I know.[breaks squealing]
Ipkiss looks like he's
in a big hurry tonight.
[panting, gasps]
[grunts] Not now, Milo!
[barks]
The bank is being robbed
by alien beings beyond
Stanley's control!
This is a job for...
Supercalifragilistic-
yabbadabba-uber-Mask!
But first...
I've got a backstage date
with a really cute conjurer.
[growling]
[growling]
Oh, thank you.
Thank you,
Fairy Dogmother!
[whines]
Wow. How'd he do that?
Hand over that wand.
I'll get you... Mask.
To the Coco Bongo!
[horses neighing]
[audience cheering]
[whistles]
Ahoooga!
Sm-Sm-Smoke... Smokin'.
She's a babe.
My next illusion will
require a volunteer
from the audience.
Me! Me! Me!
Pick me! Me! Me!
Uh... step right up.
I would do anything
for you. Anything!
Let us always be together.
Please, step
inside the box.
I will now saw
the subject in two.
[screams]
What are you doing?
It hurts! It hurts!
[screaming]
[applause]
[cheering]
[gasps]
My legs. My legs!
I can't feel my legs!
I'm only half the man
I was before I met you.
[audience cheers]
Say, sugar, let's
you and me disappear
after the show and
make some real magic,
huh?
Dream on.
Hey! How'd she do that?
[humming]
The Mask? What are
you doing here?
Hey... is that
a backstage pass?
You can take that
to the bank!
Eegads! That reminds me...
Surrender, alien bottom feeders!
Super Mask is here!
Oh, Stanley is going to
hate me in the morning.
[Kellaway] You sure were
in a big hurry last night
about the time the bank
was robbed, Ipkiss.
[stammering] Well, I was
rushing home to get help.
From who, your dog?
Ever think of calling
the cops?
Well, yeah, I tried,
but the phone melted,
and I tried to press the
alarm, but it bit me.
Oh, and then these
aliens threatened me
with death rays,
and blasted the
surveillance cameras.
You mean those cameras?
Yeah... [gasps]
We viewed the
surveillance tapes.
Just you, opening the vault.
Not an alien in sight.
Oh, it was aliens.
[Charlie] I'm putting you
on mental leave, Stanley.
- Unpaid, of course.
- Yeah, I understand.
And don't try
to leave town.
The Mask has something
to do with this,
and Ipkiss is going to
lead us right to him.
My boss thinks I'm crazy,
and the cops think
I'm a criminal.
But worst of all,
I never got to
see Vicky again.
[thunder rumbling]
[whistles] Wow.
That's some egg. [gasps]
Uh, Vicky?
Vicky Pratt?
Uh... I'm...
[clears throat]
I'm not sure if
you'd remember me.
Stanley? Stanley Ipkiss?
[stammering] Yeah.
Remember you?
I can't believe
we're actually talking!
Would you believe
I could never work up
the nerve to speak to you
back in high school?
[laughing] Don't be...
Really?
Well, Vicky, tell me more?
[alarm ringing]
Don't touch the artwork.
Ow. I'm sorry.
[sighs] Beautiful
piece, isn't it?
It completely blows my mind.
Stanley, I was going to
leave on the next train,
but since you've
missed my act,
I'm going to do an
encore show tonight
just for you.
This makes you
my special guest at
tonight's performance.
And maybe we could
go out after?
[groans]
[humming]
[gasps]
The aliens at the museum!
Oh, not again, not now.
OK, think, think, think.
If I run home
and get the mask,
I can clear my name...
and miss the show.
Or, I can see the show and
let the museum be robbed.
Or, if I hurry,
maybe I can do both.
[high-pitched humming]
Greetings, alien visitors.
I come in peace.
[yelps]
[grunts]
Since you choose not to
give peace a chance,
prepare to be incinerated,
unfriendly intergalactic types.
Space entities... not so fast!
Holy, unsolved mysteries...
They're ghosts
and they're aliens!
[grunts]
You didn't see that.
[stammering] Stanley,
aren't you supposed
to be at the show?
I'm seeing quite
a show right here.
So, you robbed
the bank last night,
huh, Davida?
But how can you be
in two places at
the same time?
I'm an illusionist, Stanley.
[cheering]
And it's merely my illusion
on stage at the Coco Bongo.
Giving me the perfect alibi.
The alien intruders
are just a diversion,
but illusions can't carry
their weight in gold
or jeweled eggs,
for that matter.
So, you stayed in town
to steal the egg,
not to see me.
I came here today
to find the egg.
But then I found you.
Do you think I would
give away all my secrets
if I didn't like you,
Stanley?
Magicians never give
away their secrets...
Oh no, oh no.
I want to be
with Vicky Pratt,
not Davida Steelmine.
I'm sorry to hear
that, Stanley.
If you change your mind,
meet me at the train
station by midnight.
Vicky Pratt is
just an illusion
and Davida Steelmine
is a criminal.
Not you again.
What are you anyway?
I am outraged.
Outraged! How could you?
What can I say?
I like jewels.
No, I mean, why settle for
Stanley when you can have me?
Don't be the fool.
I am the only
man for you.
There is no use
resisting my charms.
You know you
cannot fight it.
Yes.
Mm...
Fooled ya.
Hi. We can double date.
Don't think so.
[laughing]
You are so...
how you say,
tresprovocative.
Bon voyage, Casanova.
I've got a train to catch.
Oh, yeah. She digs me.
[struggling]
I know there's a trick to this.
OK. So, Houdini I'm not.
[engine nearing]
I knew you really loved me!
Oh. It's you.
What happened?
Your pal, Ipkiss,
double cross you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mr. G-Man
Can we please hurry this up?
At midnight I turn
into a pumpkin!
Start talking, Mask.
I'm itching to book you.
I'll tell you anything
if you show me how to
get out of this thing!
That's easy.
There's always a
weak link. See?
Wedgie! [cackles]
[muffled speech]
- [Mask] Davida!
- Stanley?
Give it up, sister.
I'm not the jealous type!
How do I get
rid of you?
I just cannot take
my eye off you!
[grunting]
Aah!
It would seem the hand
is quicker than the eye.
[panting]
[grunting]
Hey! Davida Steelmine, right?
Loved your show.
Looked for you backstage.
Hola. Need a lift?
[whistles]
Hey! Whoa!
Ow! Ah!
She will learn to love me.
[snoring]
[Charlie yelling]
[continues shouting]
What was that?
That was Davida Steelmine
riding a flying bank manager.
- Neat, huh?
- There's our perp.
- [yelling]
- Heads up!
[shouting]
Will you get lost?
[gasps]
[screaming]
[Charlie screaming]
I got ya!
I knew you'd fall
for me sooner or later.
[groans]
But I...
Boy, you really can't
take a hint, can you?
What are you...
Does this mean you really
do like Stanley more than me?
[gasps] You figured it out.
You're a genius.
I know. Well, in that case,
I might as well put a stop
to your criminal kind.
Proceed at your own risk.
I do more than just illusions.
[gasps]
Put that in your hat
and smoke it.
Well, well, well, Lieutenant.
Guess what?
You're just in time to
meet the real culprit!
Davida Steelmine.
Good, Doyle.
Looks like she's packing
the jewelry from the bank
and the egg from
the museum.
What makes you think
this will hold me?
Hm. I guess because I
removed the weak link.
[groaning]
No fair.
Hear that, Lieutenant?
Me and the Mask.
We could be one
top notch magician act.
Doyle. Drop it.
Um... Ms. Steelmine,
I'm a big fan.
You know, of yours.
Could you give me
any tips on how to
do the egg trick?
Oh, I'm sorry...
Oh, Lieutenant...
[growls] Huh?
Abracadabra.
[laughing] Suckers.
Ooh... She's a tricky one.
Smokin'!