The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 30 - Counterfeit Mask - full transcript
♪
♪ I GOTCHA WITH
MY WINNING SMILE ♪
♪ I'M A LIVING LESSON
IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪
♪ YOU JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT STARE AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪
♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO,
ROMAN GRECO ♪
♪ ROCOCO, BARROCO,
BEBOP, HIP HOP, FLIP FLOP ♪
♪ SOMEBODY, STOP ME ♪
♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN
FACES LIKE MINE ♪
♪ DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN,
I STAND OUT IN THE CROWD ♪
♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME,
YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪
♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND,
STAID AND REFINED ♪
♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪
♪ ARCH-VILLAINS
AND NE'ER DO WELLS ♪
♪ HAD BETTER LEARN
TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪
♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING
IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING
I GOT TO SING ABOUT ♪
♪ OPEN UP WIDE
AND REALLY SHOUT ♪
♪ WHOA, LOOK OUT,
THIS IS THE MASK ♪
♪ SMOKIN' ♪♪
♪
NOBODY MOVE, THIS AIRPLANE
IS BEING HIJACKED
BY THE PLANTAIN REPUBLIC
LIBERATION ARMY.
BEHAVING YOURSELVES,
AND NOBODY GETTING HURT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, SMILEY!
WE'RE EXPERIENCING SOME
TURBULENCE, SO PLEASE
REMAIN IN OUR SEAT
AND FASTEN OUR SEATBELT.
OH, SOMEBODY'S TRAY ISN'T
IN AN UPRIGHT
AND LOCKED POSITION!
THERE, NOW,
ISN'T THAT MORE COMFY?
NOW, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR BUDDY?
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU
FREQUENT FLYER, YOU.
YOU'VE JUST BEEN UPGRADED
FROM COACH TO FIRST CLASS!
♪
THE PILOT'S UNCONSCIOUS!
THERE'S NOBODY TO FLY THE PLANE!
FEAR NOT, I CAN FLY THIS RUST
BUCKET WITH ONE HAND TIED
BEHIND MY BACK!
♪
DON'T YOU WORRY,
MY PRECIOUS JEWEL.
I HAVE SWITCHED
ON THE AUTOPILOT.
THAT'S NOT THE AUTOPILOT!
OOPSIE!
WE'RE GONNA CRASH,
WE'RE GONNA CRASH!
WE'RE GONNA CRASH!
SIR, SIR,
WE'VE ALREADY SAFELY LANDED.
IN FACT, YOU'RE THE LAST ONE
ON BOARD.
OH...THIS IS A BAD DREAM.
♪
UH-OH, THERE YOU ARE.
HEY, THAT'S & MINE.
YOU ARE MISTAKEN,
THIS IS MY BAG.
SORRY ABOUT THAT,
THIS ONE IS MINE.
THEY KINDA LOOK ALIKE.
YES, SO THEY DO.
HEY, I THINK I'VE GOT
A POSITIVE I.D.
ON THAT INTERNATIONAL
SMUGGLER, SELINA SWINT.
UH, OOH, I'M SURPRISED
I HAVEN'T NOTICED YOU BEFORE.
OH, UH, THANK YOU, YEAH,
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE LOUD,
TACKY TOURISTS...OLE!
SUCH BEAUTIFUL EYES YOU HAVE,
SUCH LONG LASHES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND LET ME SEE THEM?
MY LA-MY LASHES?
SURE, OKAY, HEY, IF YOU INSIST,
GO AHEAD.
SO, WHAT'S A NICE GIRL
LIKE YOU-UH, HUH?
UH, SO LONG!
HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
YOU CAN PLAN ON IT.
YOU WOULDN'T BE SMUGGLING
ANY CONTRABAND,
NOW WOULD YOU...
SELINA SWINT!
HEY, WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?
IT'S MINE, AND YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG PERSON.
♪
YOU'RE FINE, GO ON.
UM, EXCUSE ME, HOW COME
EVERYONE ELSE HAS
TO OPEN THEIR BAGS,
BUT NOT ME, HMM?
BECAUSE A WIMP LIKE YOU
COULDN'T SNEAK A PEANUT
PAST A SLEEPING BABY.
OH, OH REALLY, WELL, I AM
NOT LEAVING
UNTIL YOU CHECK MY BAG, WHOA!
♪
HEY-HEY, QUE PASO, AMIGO,
VACATION BOY HAS RETURNED.
AND HOW WAS PEGGY
AS A DOGSITTER?
TELL ME, MILO, HOW IS SHE?
AW, THAT BAD, HUH?
♪
WELL, BUDDY,
NO FOOD AND NO MONEY.
MAYBE I HAVE A COUPLE BUCKS
BURIED IN MY BAG HERE, HUH?
WHERE'D ALL THIS CASH COME FROM?
OH, NO, I MUST'VE TAKEN THAT
WOMAN'S BAG BY MISTAKE.
AND THAT MEANS...
THAT-SHE'S GONNA SEE MY
UNDERWEAR!
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE, RELAX.
I'LL CALL THE AIRPORT
FIRST THING TOMORROW.
MAYBE THEY'LL BE
ABLE TO GET ME HER ADDRESS.
I CAN'T LEAVE THIS KIND
OF CASH LYING AROUND, MILO.
I KNOW, I'LL STICK IT
AT THE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOX
AT THE BANK.
I GUESS IT WOULDN'T HURT
TO BORROW A TWENTY.
ONLY UNTIL TOMORROW.
IPKISS!
IN CASE IT SLIPPED YOUR PUNY
LITTLE MIND,
RENT IS DUE ON THE FIRST
OF THE MONTH!
I KNOW, MRS. PEENMAN,
BUT I JUST GOT BACK FROM
VACATION, AND I DON'T GET PAID
'TIL TOMORROW, MILO'S REALLY
HUNGRY.
TRYING TO HOLD OUT ON ME, EH?
B-BUT, MRS. PEENMAN,
THAT'S NOT MY & MONEY.
♪
HELLO, ANYBODY HERE?
♪
SO, STANLEY IPKISS,
YOU'VE DECIDED
TO MAKE OFF WITH MY MONEY.
WELL, MISTER, YOU'VE JUST BOUGHT
YOURSELF A MILLION BUCKS
WORTH OF TROUBLE.
STANLEY, MY MAN, YOU DIDN'T
COME INTO SOME DINERO
AND FORGET THE TWENTY
BUCKS YOU STILL OWE ME?
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE?
YOU SEE,
THIS ISN'T REALLY MY MONEY.
WOULDN'T STIFF A PAL,
WOULD YA?
I DIDN'T THINK SO...MWAH!
CHOW TIME, MILO...MILO?
♪
YOU MAY HAVE MY CASH,
BUT I HAVE YOUR DOG!
BRING MY BAG TO BENCH 16 AT
LANFIELD PARK AT THREE O'CLOCK
OR THE POOCH IS A GONER!
MASK, OLD PAL, YOU'VE GOT
A DATE WITH A DOGNAPPER!
YIKES, STUPID.
C'MON, IT'S GOTTA BE AROUND HERE
SOME PLACE.
QUIT SQUIRMING,
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE
BUT TO THE HOOSEGOW,
GRAB THE EVIDENCE, DOYLE.
WHOA, YOU KNOW, I NEVER
KNEW WAYNE NEWTON'S PICTURE
WAS ON A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S
COUNTERFEIT, YOU IDIOT.
NICE WORK SPOTTING IT,
JENKINS.
I'M TELLING YOU,
I GOT IT FROM IPKISS!
HE'S GOT A BAG OF IT!
UH, STANLEY IPKISS WAS IN HERE
EARLIER BUYING DOG FOOD.
HE PAID WITH THIS.
IPKISS, HUH?
AH, THERE YOU ARE.
IPKISS, I JUST HEARD
ON THE POLICE SCANNER
THAT YOU'RE PASSING
PHONY MONEY.
WHAT...I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!
I'M GONNA TAKE THE RENT
OUT OF YOUR SKINNY HIDE.
MRS. PEENMAN, PLEASE, DON'T!
NO!
♪
BUT I DO LOVE YOU, DARLING,
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE DECIDED
TO QUIT THE NEWSPAPER
BUSINESS AND MARRY THE PRINCE.
GOODBYE, MY SWEET.
OH, THOSE OLD MOVIE STARS
HAD THE LIFE, SUCH GLAMOUR,
SUCH EXCITEMENT.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER GO BEAT
THE BUSHES.
IT'S NOT LIKE
SOME SCOOP IS GONNA
COME WALTZING THROUGH THE DOOR.
PEGGY, THE COPS ARE AFTER ME!
YOU GOTTA HELP ME GET THE MASK!
DOGNAPPING, COUNTERFEIT
MONEY, AND THE MASK?!
THIS SHOULD BE SOME EXCLUSIVE.
HMM, WHY NOT JUST THIS ONCE?
A STAR & IS BORN!
PEGGY...YOU'RE WEARING THE MASK?
SO I AM.
BUT I NEED IT,
I GOTTA RESCUE MILO!
THE TROUBLES OF ONE LITTLE DOG
PALE IN COMPARISON
TO MY NEED FOR A BEAUTY
MAKEOVER.
MY PUBLIC DEMANDS IT.
♪
I TOLD YOU TO GET
ALL THE KINKS OUT!
OH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO MY LOVELY TOENAILS?
THEY'RE FAR TOO SHORT.
NOW, START OVER
AND DO IT RIGHT.
NO, TURN IT UP HOTTER!
I WANT MY HAIR
TO BE EXTRA FLUFFY.
HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAH,
A FABULOUS DO
FOR A FABULOUS DAME.
MIRROR, MIRROR IN MY HAND,
WHO'S THE CLASSIEST BABE
IN THE LAND?
OH, WHAT DOES A MIRROR
KNOW ABOUT REAL BEAUTY?
SPECTACULAR!
MR. DIRECTOR, I'M READY
FOR MY CLOSEUP.
♪
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO HELP ME SO YOU COULD
REPORT A GREAT STORY?
I DON'T NEED TO REPORT
THE STORY, DARLING.
I AM THE STORY!
LESS THAN AN HOUR
TO SAVE MILO.
FORGET THE MASK, I'LL HAVE
TO HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, I'M MAN
ENOUGH TO HANDLE
MY OWN BATTLES.
ALL RIGHT, IPKISS,
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
TICK TOCK, STANLEY IPKISS,
TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
BETTER BE AT THAT PARK
IN AN HOUR,
FOR YOUR MUTT'S SAKE!
♪
COME ON, I'M NOT
A COUNTERFEITER, CALLOWAY!
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!
DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME,
IPKISS,
I GOT IT ALL ON VIDEOTAPE.
CUE IT UP, DOYLE.
UM, TEN-FIVE, LIEUTENANT.
B-BUT, I THAT'S
NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
YEAH, WELL, IT LOOKS TO ME
LIKE 20 YEARS IN THE STATE PEN
FOR YOU AND YOUR ALIAS,
THE MASK.
VAST DISTURBANCE REPORTED AT
FIFTH AND GRAND.
WHOA, LIEUTENANT, IF WE'VE
GOT IPKISS IN THE CAR,
AND THE MASK IS OUT THERE,
THEN HOW CAN IPKISS BE-
SHUT UP, DOYLE!
ONE NEVER KNOWS WHEN ONE WILL
NEED AN EMERGENCY MAKEOVER,
DOES ONE?
YOU'VE PULLED YOUR LAST STUNT,
GREEN HEAD!
I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR TWO-
FISTED TYPES LIKE YOU.
HEY, YOU'RE NOT THE-
YOU ADORE ME, YOU DESIRE ME...
YOU WANT TO MARRY ME!
I-I DO?
AND I DO, TOO, DARLING!
I NOW PRONOUNCE US HUSBAND
AND GORGEOUS, GLAMOROUS WIFE.
YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.
AM I NOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
BRIDE IN THE WORLD?
SISTER, I'VE PULLED THINGS
OUT OF THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL
PRETTIER THAN YOU.
AAH!
CONSIDER THAT A DIVORCE!
WOW-EE, THE LIEUTENANT CAN
SURE HIT THOSE HIGH NOTES
WHEN HE SCREAMS, HUH?
STANLEY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO UNDERSTANDS ME.
♪
OH, STANLEY, IT'S ALMOST
TOO MUCH TO BEAR
TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL AND HAVE
TO DEAL WITH ALL THOSE
UGLY CREATURES DOWN BELOW.
NOT THAT I'M VAIN OR ANYTHING.
PEGGY, I'VE ONLY GOT
TEN MINUTES TO SAVE MILO!
PLEASE, GIVE ME THE-
AAH!
A CROOKED EYEBROW, THE SHAME!
NO, I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK
AT IT, PLEASE, STANLEY DARLING,
TWEEZE ME.
WHOA!
WHOA!
AAH!
NOT GOOD.
FORTUNATELY, MR. MASK
IS ALWAYS PREPARED.
A LITTLE TUG ON THE OLD
PARACHUTE RIPCORD
AND, VOILA!
THE WRONG CORD.
JUST IN THE NICK OF &
TIME.
THERE YOU ARE,
BACK IN MY POSSESSION AT LAST!
OH, MY LOVELY, LOVELY BAG
OF-UNDERWEAR?!
THIS IS IPKISS'S JUNK.
♪
BACK OFF, WEIRDO,
OR THE POOCH GETS IT!
♪
OBVIOUSLY THIS VICIOUS VIXEN
DOESN'T KNOW
WITH WHOM SHE'S DEALING.
♪
AND THAT, GOOD FRIENDS,
IS HOW YOU MUFFLE
AN EXPLOSION.
AAH, AH-HA WHEE!
AAH!
DON'T WORRY, HAIRBALL,
THE BIG, BAD OLD LADY
WON'T HURT YOU ANYMORE.
I FIGURED THERE MIGHT BE
A DOUBLE-CROSS,
SO I KEPT THE REAL DOG
STASHED AWAY.
THAT ONE IS STUFFED.
ACTUALLY, I PREFER
THE STUFFED MILO, MYSELF.
BUT THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING
FOR STANLEY'S TASTE.
YOUR PAL IPKISS BETTER BE AT
THE OLD GAZETTE WAREHOUSE
IN FIVE MINUTES WITH MY CASH,
OR THE REAL DOG GETS IT!
FIVE MINUTES...
I BETTER HAUL TAIL!
HMM, NEED TO USE
THE OLD SKELETON KEY.
♪
YIKES, TWO MORE MINUTES
AND THE OLD POOCH-O GOES
TO THE BIG HYDRANT
IN THE SKY!
I KNEW YOU WERE BEHIND THIS,
MASK.
THE COUNTERFEIT MONEY JIG IS UP!
OKAY, SO YOU GOT ME,
YOU LOUSY COPPERS.
I'M WASHED UP, VENTILATED,
SHOT THROUGH, IT'S CURTAINS...
CURTAINS, I SAY, PICKED 'EM
OUT MYSELF, THE BLUE CHINTZ
REALLY PICKS UP THE MAUVE
OVERTONES IN THE OTTOMAN.
SO LONG, SUCKERS,
DON'T WAIT UP!
UGH, I GOTTA TACKLE
THAT PESKY REENTRY PROBLEM
ONE OF THESE DAYS.
OKAY, TOOTS,
HERE'S THE DOUGH.
NOW, WHERE'S THE POOCH?
YOU'RE CRUDE, SADISTIC,
AND YOU HAVE A ROTTEN
DISPOSITION.... YOU AVAILABLE?
I THINK NOT, WITH THIS I CAN
BUY STOLEN TREASURY PLATES
THAT WILL ALLOW ME
TO PRINT MORE PERFECT
COUNTERFEIT MONEY THAN I
CAN EVER SPEND IN A LIFETIME!
ANOTHER DOUBLE-CROSS!
HEY, I DIDN'T DO THAT, I MEAN,
I WISH I HAD, BUT I DIDN'T!
WELL, YOU CAN JUST KISS YOUR
HAIRY POOCH, GOODBYE!
♪
STOP THE PRESSES,
STOP THE PRESSES!
I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.
♪
AH-HAHAHAHA, I'VE GOT MONEY
TO BURN AND THIS LITTLE BUNDLE
IS GOING RIGHT
IN THE FURNACE.
♪
SMOKIN'!
ALL RIGHT, MISS MONEYBAGS,
IT'S PAYBACK TIME!
ON SECOND
THOUGHT, SIC HER.
NO, GET OFF ME, YOU LITTLE &
ALL RIGHT, MASK,
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
LOOKS LIKE OUR LITTLE HOMING
DEVICE WORKED PERFECTLY.
I STUCK IT IN THE BAG
WHEN I SWITCHED THE MONEY
AT THE BANK, I KNEW YOU'D BE
BACK TO PICK IT UP.
VERY CLEVER, LIEUTENANT,
EXCEPT FOR ONE MINOR SNAG.
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG CROOK,
THAT LADY IS THE GUY YOU WANT.
YOU SEE, I'VE GOT HER ENTIRE
CONFESSION RIGHT HERE ON TAPE.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S
THE WISE GUY?
OOH, WAIT, WAIT, I CONFESS
TO THE WHOLE THING.
JUST GET THIS HORRIBLE LITTLE
BEAST OFF ME.
WHAT A SCOOP, THE MASK
DEFEATS COUNTERFEITER.
LOCAL COP SCREWS UP AGAIN,
ANY COMMENT, LIEUTENANT?
NO...WAIT A MINUTE...
DO I...KNOW YOU?
HEY, DON'T FEEL SO BAD,
LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY.
THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME,
RIGHT?
HERE, HAVE A SOUVENIR,
HEE-HAHAHAHAHAHA.
LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE,
LIEUTENANT.
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T WEDGIE YA.
THANKS FOR REMINDING ME,
CHUMP!
WHOA! HA HA HA.
SOMEBODY, STOP ME!
♪
♪ I GOTCHA WITH
MY WINNING SMILE ♪
♪ I'M A LIVING LESSON
IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪
♪ YOU JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT STARE AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪
♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO,
ROMAN GRECO ♪
♪ ROCOCO, BARROCO,
BEBOP, HIP HOP, FLIP FLOP ♪
♪ SOMEBODY, STOP ME ♪
♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN
FACES LIKE MINE ♪
♪ DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN,
I STAND OUT IN THE CROWD ♪
♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME,
YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪
♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND,
STAID AND REFINED ♪
♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪
♪ ARCH-VILLAINS
AND NE'ER DO WELLS ♪
♪ HAD BETTER LEARN
TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪
♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING
IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ONE LAST THING
I GOT TO SING ABOUT ♪
♪ OPEN UP WIDE
AND REALLY SHOUT ♪
♪ WHOA, LOOK OUT,
THIS IS THE MASK ♪
♪ SMOKIN' ♪♪
♪
NOBODY MOVE, THIS AIRPLANE
IS BEING HIJACKED
BY THE PLANTAIN REPUBLIC
LIBERATION ARMY.
BEHAVING YOURSELVES,
AND NOBODY GETTING HURT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, SMILEY!
WE'RE EXPERIENCING SOME
TURBULENCE, SO PLEASE
REMAIN IN OUR SEAT
AND FASTEN OUR SEATBELT.
OH, SOMEBODY'S TRAY ISN'T
IN AN UPRIGHT
AND LOCKED POSITION!
THERE, NOW,
ISN'T THAT MORE COMFY?
NOW, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR BUDDY?
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU
FREQUENT FLYER, YOU.
YOU'VE JUST BEEN UPGRADED
FROM COACH TO FIRST CLASS!
♪
THE PILOT'S UNCONSCIOUS!
THERE'S NOBODY TO FLY THE PLANE!
FEAR NOT, I CAN FLY THIS RUST
BUCKET WITH ONE HAND TIED
BEHIND MY BACK!
♪
DON'T YOU WORRY,
MY PRECIOUS JEWEL.
I HAVE SWITCHED
ON THE AUTOPILOT.
THAT'S NOT THE AUTOPILOT!
OOPSIE!
WE'RE GONNA CRASH,
WE'RE GONNA CRASH!
WE'RE GONNA CRASH!
SIR, SIR,
WE'VE ALREADY SAFELY LANDED.
IN FACT, YOU'RE THE LAST ONE
ON BOARD.
OH...THIS IS A BAD DREAM.
♪
UH-OH, THERE YOU ARE.
HEY, THAT'S & MINE.
YOU ARE MISTAKEN,
THIS IS MY BAG.
SORRY ABOUT THAT,
THIS ONE IS MINE.
THEY KINDA LOOK ALIKE.
YES, SO THEY DO.
HEY, I THINK I'VE GOT
A POSITIVE I.D.
ON THAT INTERNATIONAL
SMUGGLER, SELINA SWINT.
UH, OOH, I'M SURPRISED
I HAVEN'T NOTICED YOU BEFORE.
OH, UH, THANK YOU, YEAH,
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE LOUD,
TACKY TOURISTS...OLE!
SUCH BEAUTIFUL EYES YOU HAVE,
SUCH LONG LASHES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND LET ME SEE THEM?
MY LA-MY LASHES?
SURE, OKAY, HEY, IF YOU INSIST,
GO AHEAD.
SO, WHAT'S A NICE GIRL
LIKE YOU-UH, HUH?
UH, SO LONG!
HOPE TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
YOU CAN PLAN ON IT.
YOU WOULDN'T BE SMUGGLING
ANY CONTRABAND,
NOW WOULD YOU...
SELINA SWINT!
HEY, WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF?
IT'S MINE, AND YOU'VE GOT
THE WRONG PERSON.
♪
YOU'RE FINE, GO ON.
UM, EXCUSE ME, HOW COME
EVERYONE ELSE HAS
TO OPEN THEIR BAGS,
BUT NOT ME, HMM?
BECAUSE A WIMP LIKE YOU
COULDN'T SNEAK A PEANUT
PAST A SLEEPING BABY.
OH, OH REALLY, WELL, I AM
NOT LEAVING
UNTIL YOU CHECK MY BAG, WHOA!
♪
HEY-HEY, QUE PASO, AMIGO,
VACATION BOY HAS RETURNED.
AND HOW WAS PEGGY
AS A DOGSITTER?
TELL ME, MILO, HOW IS SHE?
AW, THAT BAD, HUH?
♪
WELL, BUDDY,
NO FOOD AND NO MONEY.
MAYBE I HAVE A COUPLE BUCKS
BURIED IN MY BAG HERE, HUH?
WHERE'D ALL THIS CASH COME FROM?
OH, NO, I MUST'VE TAKEN THAT
WOMAN'S BAG BY MISTAKE.
AND THAT MEANS...
THAT-SHE'S GONNA SEE MY
UNDERWEAR!
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE, RELAX.
I'LL CALL THE AIRPORT
FIRST THING TOMORROW.
MAYBE THEY'LL BE
ABLE TO GET ME HER ADDRESS.
I CAN'T LEAVE THIS KIND
OF CASH LYING AROUND, MILO.
I KNOW, I'LL STICK IT
AT THE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOX
AT THE BANK.
I GUESS IT WOULDN'T HURT
TO BORROW A TWENTY.
ONLY UNTIL TOMORROW.
IPKISS!
IN CASE IT SLIPPED YOUR PUNY
LITTLE MIND,
RENT IS DUE ON THE FIRST
OF THE MONTH!
I KNOW, MRS. PEENMAN,
BUT I JUST GOT BACK FROM
VACATION, AND I DON'T GET PAID
'TIL TOMORROW, MILO'S REALLY
HUNGRY.
TRYING TO HOLD OUT ON ME, EH?
B-BUT, MRS. PEENMAN,
THAT'S NOT MY & MONEY.
♪
HELLO, ANYBODY HERE?
♪
SO, STANLEY IPKISS,
YOU'VE DECIDED
TO MAKE OFF WITH MY MONEY.
WELL, MISTER, YOU'VE JUST BOUGHT
YOURSELF A MILLION BUCKS
WORTH OF TROUBLE.
STANLEY, MY MAN, YOU DIDN'T
COME INTO SOME DINERO
AND FORGET THE TWENTY
BUCKS YOU STILL OWE ME?
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHARLIE?
YOU SEE,
THIS ISN'T REALLY MY MONEY.
WOULDN'T STIFF A PAL,
WOULD YA?
I DIDN'T THINK SO...MWAH!
CHOW TIME, MILO...MILO?
♪
YOU MAY HAVE MY CASH,
BUT I HAVE YOUR DOG!
BRING MY BAG TO BENCH 16 AT
LANFIELD PARK AT THREE O'CLOCK
OR THE POOCH IS A GONER!
MASK, OLD PAL, YOU'VE GOT
A DATE WITH A DOGNAPPER!
YIKES, STUPID.
C'MON, IT'S GOTTA BE AROUND HERE
SOME PLACE.
QUIT SQUIRMING,
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE
BUT TO THE HOOSEGOW,
GRAB THE EVIDENCE, DOYLE.
WHOA, YOU KNOW, I NEVER
KNEW WAYNE NEWTON'S PICTURE
WAS ON A TWENTY DOLLAR BILL.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S
COUNTERFEIT, YOU IDIOT.
NICE WORK SPOTTING IT,
JENKINS.
I'M TELLING YOU,
I GOT IT FROM IPKISS!
HE'S GOT A BAG OF IT!
UH, STANLEY IPKISS WAS IN HERE
EARLIER BUYING DOG FOOD.
HE PAID WITH THIS.
IPKISS, HUH?
AH, THERE YOU ARE.
IPKISS, I JUST HEARD
ON THE POLICE SCANNER
THAT YOU'RE PASSING
PHONY MONEY.
WHAT...I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!
DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME!
I'M GONNA TAKE THE RENT
OUT OF YOUR SKINNY HIDE.
MRS. PEENMAN, PLEASE, DON'T!
NO!
♪
BUT I DO LOVE YOU, DARLING,
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE DECIDED
TO QUIT THE NEWSPAPER
BUSINESS AND MARRY THE PRINCE.
GOODBYE, MY SWEET.
OH, THOSE OLD MOVIE STARS
HAD THE LIFE, SUCH GLAMOUR,
SUCH EXCITEMENT.
WELL, I GUESS I BETTER GO BEAT
THE BUSHES.
IT'S NOT LIKE
SOME SCOOP IS GONNA
COME WALTZING THROUGH THE DOOR.
PEGGY, THE COPS ARE AFTER ME!
YOU GOTTA HELP ME GET THE MASK!
DOGNAPPING, COUNTERFEIT
MONEY, AND THE MASK?!
THIS SHOULD BE SOME EXCLUSIVE.
HMM, WHY NOT JUST THIS ONCE?
A STAR & IS BORN!
PEGGY...YOU'RE WEARING THE MASK?
SO I AM.
BUT I NEED IT,
I GOTTA RESCUE MILO!
THE TROUBLES OF ONE LITTLE DOG
PALE IN COMPARISON
TO MY NEED FOR A BEAUTY
MAKEOVER.
MY PUBLIC DEMANDS IT.
♪
I TOLD YOU TO GET
ALL THE KINKS OUT!
OH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO MY LOVELY TOENAILS?
THEY'RE FAR TOO SHORT.
NOW, START OVER
AND DO IT RIGHT.
NO, TURN IT UP HOTTER!
I WANT MY HAIR
TO BE EXTRA FLUFFY.
HAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAH,
A FABULOUS DO
FOR A FABULOUS DAME.
MIRROR, MIRROR IN MY HAND,
WHO'S THE CLASSIEST BABE
IN THE LAND?
OH, WHAT DOES A MIRROR
KNOW ABOUT REAL BEAUTY?
SPECTACULAR!
MR. DIRECTOR, I'M READY
FOR MY CLOSEUP.
♪
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO HELP ME SO YOU COULD
REPORT A GREAT STORY?
I DON'T NEED TO REPORT
THE STORY, DARLING.
I AM THE STORY!
LESS THAN AN HOUR
TO SAVE MILO.
FORGET THE MASK, I'LL HAVE
TO HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, I'M MAN
ENOUGH TO HANDLE
MY OWN BATTLES.
ALL RIGHT, IPKISS,
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
TICK TOCK, STANLEY IPKISS,
TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
BETTER BE AT THAT PARK
IN AN HOUR,
FOR YOUR MUTT'S SAKE!
♪
COME ON, I'M NOT
A COUNTERFEITER, CALLOWAY!
YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!
DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME,
IPKISS,
I GOT IT ALL ON VIDEOTAPE.
CUE IT UP, DOYLE.
UM, TEN-FIVE, LIEUTENANT.
B-BUT, I THAT'S
NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
YEAH, WELL, IT LOOKS TO ME
LIKE 20 YEARS IN THE STATE PEN
FOR YOU AND YOUR ALIAS,
THE MASK.
VAST DISTURBANCE REPORTED AT
FIFTH AND GRAND.
WHOA, LIEUTENANT, IF WE'VE
GOT IPKISS IN THE CAR,
AND THE MASK IS OUT THERE,
THEN HOW CAN IPKISS BE-
SHUT UP, DOYLE!
ONE NEVER KNOWS WHEN ONE WILL
NEED AN EMERGENCY MAKEOVER,
DOES ONE?
YOU'VE PULLED YOUR LAST STUNT,
GREEN HEAD!
I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR TWO-
FISTED TYPES LIKE YOU.
HEY, YOU'RE NOT THE-
YOU ADORE ME, YOU DESIRE ME...
YOU WANT TO MARRY ME!
I-I DO?
AND I DO, TOO, DARLING!
I NOW PRONOUNCE US HUSBAND
AND GORGEOUS, GLAMOROUS WIFE.
YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.
AM I NOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
BRIDE IN THE WORLD?
SISTER, I'VE PULLED THINGS
OUT OF THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL
PRETTIER THAN YOU.
AAH!
CONSIDER THAT A DIVORCE!
WOW-EE, THE LIEUTENANT CAN
SURE HIT THOSE HIGH NOTES
WHEN HE SCREAMS, HUH?
STANLEY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO UNDERSTANDS ME.
♪
OH, STANLEY, IT'S ALMOST
TOO MUCH TO BEAR
TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL AND HAVE
TO DEAL WITH ALL THOSE
UGLY CREATURES DOWN BELOW.
NOT THAT I'M VAIN OR ANYTHING.
PEGGY, I'VE ONLY GOT
TEN MINUTES TO SAVE MILO!
PLEASE, GIVE ME THE-
AAH!
A CROOKED EYEBROW, THE SHAME!
NO, I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK
AT IT, PLEASE, STANLEY DARLING,
TWEEZE ME.
WHOA!
WHOA!
AAH!
NOT GOOD.
FORTUNATELY, MR. MASK
IS ALWAYS PREPARED.
A LITTLE TUG ON THE OLD
PARACHUTE RIPCORD
AND, VOILA!
THE WRONG CORD.
JUST IN THE NICK OF &
TIME.
THERE YOU ARE,
BACK IN MY POSSESSION AT LAST!
OH, MY LOVELY, LOVELY BAG
OF-UNDERWEAR?!
THIS IS IPKISS'S JUNK.
♪
BACK OFF, WEIRDO,
OR THE POOCH GETS IT!
♪
OBVIOUSLY THIS VICIOUS VIXEN
DOESN'T KNOW
WITH WHOM SHE'S DEALING.
♪
AND THAT, GOOD FRIENDS,
IS HOW YOU MUFFLE
AN EXPLOSION.
AAH, AH-HA WHEE!
AAH!
DON'T WORRY, HAIRBALL,
THE BIG, BAD OLD LADY
WON'T HURT YOU ANYMORE.
I FIGURED THERE MIGHT BE
A DOUBLE-CROSS,
SO I KEPT THE REAL DOG
STASHED AWAY.
THAT ONE IS STUFFED.
ACTUALLY, I PREFER
THE STUFFED MILO, MYSELF.
BUT THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING
FOR STANLEY'S TASTE.
YOUR PAL IPKISS BETTER BE AT
THE OLD GAZETTE WAREHOUSE
IN FIVE MINUTES WITH MY CASH,
OR THE REAL DOG GETS IT!
FIVE MINUTES...
I BETTER HAUL TAIL!
HMM, NEED TO USE
THE OLD SKELETON KEY.
♪
YIKES, TWO MORE MINUTES
AND THE OLD POOCH-O GOES
TO THE BIG HYDRANT
IN THE SKY!
I KNEW YOU WERE BEHIND THIS,
MASK.
THE COUNTERFEIT MONEY JIG IS UP!
OKAY, SO YOU GOT ME,
YOU LOUSY COPPERS.
I'M WASHED UP, VENTILATED,
SHOT THROUGH, IT'S CURTAINS...
CURTAINS, I SAY, PICKED 'EM
OUT MYSELF, THE BLUE CHINTZ
REALLY PICKS UP THE MAUVE
OVERTONES IN THE OTTOMAN.
SO LONG, SUCKERS,
DON'T WAIT UP!
UGH, I GOTTA TACKLE
THAT PESKY REENTRY PROBLEM
ONE OF THESE DAYS.
OKAY, TOOTS,
HERE'S THE DOUGH.
NOW, WHERE'S THE POOCH?
YOU'RE CRUDE, SADISTIC,
AND YOU HAVE A ROTTEN
DISPOSITION.... YOU AVAILABLE?
I THINK NOT, WITH THIS I CAN
BUY STOLEN TREASURY PLATES
THAT WILL ALLOW ME
TO PRINT MORE PERFECT
COUNTERFEIT MONEY THAN I
CAN EVER SPEND IN A LIFETIME!
ANOTHER DOUBLE-CROSS!
HEY, I DIDN'T DO THAT, I MEAN,
I WISH I HAD, BUT I DIDN'T!
WELL, YOU CAN JUST KISS YOUR
HAIRY POOCH, GOODBYE!
♪
STOP THE PRESSES,
STOP THE PRESSES!
I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.
♪
AH-HAHAHAHA, I'VE GOT MONEY
TO BURN AND THIS LITTLE BUNDLE
IS GOING RIGHT
IN THE FURNACE.
♪
SMOKIN'!
ALL RIGHT, MISS MONEYBAGS,
IT'S PAYBACK TIME!
ON SECOND
THOUGHT, SIC HER.
NO, GET OFF ME, YOU LITTLE &
ALL RIGHT, MASK,
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
LOOKS LIKE OUR LITTLE HOMING
DEVICE WORKED PERFECTLY.
I STUCK IT IN THE BAG
WHEN I SWITCHED THE MONEY
AT THE BANK, I KNEW YOU'D BE
BACK TO PICK IT UP.
VERY CLEVER, LIEUTENANT,
EXCEPT FOR ONE MINOR SNAG.
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG CROOK,
THAT LADY IS THE GUY YOU WANT.
YOU SEE, I'VE GOT HER ENTIRE
CONFESSION RIGHT HERE ON TAPE.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S
THE WISE GUY?
OOH, WAIT, WAIT, I CONFESS
TO THE WHOLE THING.
JUST GET THIS HORRIBLE LITTLE
BEAST OFF ME.
WHAT A SCOOP, THE MASK
DEFEATS COUNTERFEITER.
LOCAL COP SCREWS UP AGAIN,
ANY COMMENT, LIEUTENANT?
NO...WAIT A MINUTE...
DO I...KNOW YOU?
HEY, DON'T FEEL SO BAD,
LIEUTENANT CALLOWAY.
THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT TIME,
RIGHT?
HERE, HAVE A SOUVENIR,
HEE-HAHAHAHAHAHA.
LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE,
LIEUTENANT.
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T WEDGIE YA.
THANKS FOR REMINDING ME,
CHUMP!
WHOA! HA HA HA.
SOMEBODY, STOP ME!
♪