The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Green Marine - full transcript
♪ I'M A LEAN, MEAN,
GREEN MACHINE ♪
♪ THE MANIAC BEHIND
THE BALLYHOO ♪
♪ GOT A HYPERACTIVE
MAYHEM GENE ♪
♪ BUT THAT'S MY GIG, BABE,
IT'S WHAT I DO ♪
♪ AND I COME
SPINNIN' INTO TOWN ♪
♪ GOT EVERYONE SEEIN' RED ♪
♪ BY THE TIME I'M DONE THEY'LL
BE SEEIN' GREEN INSTEAD ♪
♪ SMOKIN' ♪
♪ MY CITY'S ACTING
KIND OF EDGY ♪
♪ TRUST ME TO MAKE
THINGS RIGHT--NOT ♪
♪ IN THE NEWS
ANOTHER DRIVE-BY-WEDGIE ♪
♪ FREAKY MONSTERS
LOOKING FOR A FIGHT ♪
♪ TIME FOR A COSTUME CHANGE ♪
♪ THEN TAKE 'EM FOR A SPIN ♪
♪ FOUR-THREE-TWO-ONE-GO ♪
♪ LET THE GAMES BEGIN ♪
♪ [SCAT SINGING] ♪
♪ SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪
♪ LISTEN ♪
♪ I'M NOT ANY
ORDINARY SUPERHERO ♪
♪ NOT YOUR EVERYDAY
SPANDEX-WEARING ZERO ♪
♪ DID SOMEONE SAY
IT'S PARTY TIME ♪
♪ DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK ♪
♪ ANY TIME--READY OR NOT
LOOK OUT ♪
♪ I AM THE MASK ♪♪
MY FELLOW AMERICANS,
I'M DEEPLY HONORED TO BE
RECEIVING THIS MEDAL TODAY.
YOU KNOW,
HEROISM IS LIKE ICE CREAM.
THE MORE YOU LICK
ENOUGH
YOU'RE NOT GETTING A MEDAL.
YOU'RE BEING COURT-MARTIALED.
NOW, SHUT UP AND TAKE THE STAND.
OH, HE'S SO STRICT.
YOUR HONOR,
THIS MAN HAS COST THE MILITARY
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
DUE TO HIS UNRULY ANTICS.
I OBJECT!
YOU DENY THE CHARGES?
NO, I OBJECT
TO THAT COLOGNE YOU'RE WEARING.
PUEY!
TELL THE COURT WHAT HAPPENED,
AND START AT THE VERY BEGINNING.
WELL, IT ALL BEGAN TWO MILLION
YEARS AGO WHEN THE EARTH COOLED.
AND THEN CAME
THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS.
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL WAS THE
TYRANNOSAURUS REX!
NOT THAT FAR BACK
JUST START WITH
YOUR ENLISTMENT IN THE MARINES.
OKAY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA MISS ALL
THE FUN STUFF WITH THE MONKEYS.
I WAS BUSY
SAVING THE GALAXY
FROM THE DREADED
SLIME CREATURES.
TAKE THAT,
YOU MUCK-HEADED MUTANTS!
AND THEN, I SAW IT.
THEY WERE RAFFLING OFF
A COMBINATION BOOM BOX,
BIG SCREEN TV
AND YOGURT MAKER!
AND, I HAD TO HAVE IT!
OH!
YES!
YOU SIGNED YOUR NAME
FIFTY TIMES.
YOU MUST REALLY WANT THIS.
OH, I DO, I DO,
I DO, I DO, I DO.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.
CONGRATULATIONS, NEW RECRUIT.
WHA!
YOU'RE NOW A MARINE.
HEY, WAIT,
THERE'S GOTTA BE A MISTAKE!
I CAN'T BE IN THE MARINES!
YOU SEE,
I'M WHAT YOU CALL A FREE SPIRIT.
FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE!
MARCHING TO A DIFFERENT DRUMMER.
IN OTHER WORDS,
I'M OUTTA HERE, CHUMPS!
THEY GIVE YOU ALL
YOUR SHAMPOO AND SOAP FOR FREE!
FREE TOILETRIES?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
I'M IN FOR LIFE!
OH, GOODY.
I'M YOUR BUNKY, NORMAN,
HE-HE-HE-HE-HE.
THIS IS SLABHE HAS SOME
MINOR COORDINATION PROBLEMS.
OUCH, OOH, OW,
THAT SMARTS, HEY, OW.
AND, THIS IS OLIVER.
HE'S STILL ADJUSTING
TO MILITARY LIFE.
SORRY, I USUALLY DON'T GET THIS
EXCITED WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE.
WELL, AFTER MEETING YOU FELLAS,
ALL I CAN SAY IS
THIS COUNTRY IS IN BIG TROUBLE.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY
THIS BARRACKS
IS A TOTAL FASHION DISASTER!
IT NEEDS A COMPLETE MAKEOVER.
THIS HAM BONE
BELONGS IN THE STEW.
AH, NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL
"BASIC TRAINING."
YOUR HONOR,
I OBJECT TO THIS TESTIMONY.
-IT'S IRRELEVANT AND IMMATERIAL.
-OH, YEAH?
WELL, YOU'VE GOT
A REALLY BAD TOUPEE.
OH MY GOSH, IT'S ALIVE!
I'LL GET IT MA!
THERE, THAT RASCAL WON'T
BE A-GIVIN' YOU NO MORE TROUBLE.
MWAH!
WHY--YOU--
NOW, THEN--
WHERE WERE WE?
IT WAS MY FIRST NIGHT
IN THE MARINE CORE.
AND, WHILE THE OTHERS
SLEPT SOUNDLY
A TERRIBLE BATTLE
WAS BEING WAGED.
G-4, MISS--B-2, HIT!
HEY
YOU SUNK MY SUBMARINE!
AREN'T YOU GOING TO TURN IN
IT'S REALLY LATE.
SORRY FOR LOSING MY TEMPER.
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOUNG SIR,
IT IS LATE.
AND, I DO NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP.
HELLO?
I'D LIKE TO LEAVE A WAKEUP CALL
FOR AROUND NOONISH, TA!
OKAY, MAGGOTS--RISE AND SHINE!
OH--YES, SIR!
MHM, UH-HUH, MHM.
WHAT IN THE SAM HILL?
NO, GIRLS, PLEASE
NO MORE AUTOGRAPHS,
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I SAID, EVERYONE OUT OF BED--
AND THAT MEANS YOU,
CABBAGE HEAD!
EXCUSE THE HECK OUT OF ME, BUT
I LEFT MY WAKEUP CALL
FOR AROUND NOONISH.
NOT NIGHTISH.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, WISE GUY.
YOU JUST EARNED
YOUR SQUAD A 20 MILE MARCH.
HUT-TWO-THREE-FOUR,
HUT-TWO-THREE-FOUR...
HUT-TWO-YOW!
THERE IS NOW SLEEPING HERE,
PRIVATE!
WELL, NOT ANYMORE THERE ISN'T!
WELL, MAYBE
YOU FIND THIS BORIN'
MAYBE YOU THINK
YOU COULD DO BETTER.
WELL, NOW THAT
YOU MENTIONED IT
EVERYONE MARCH TO THE RIGHT!
YOUR LEFT-YOUR LEFT.
I SAID, EVERYONE
MARCH TO THE LEFT.
YOUR RIGHT, YOUR RIGHT.
SPIN AROUND.
ONE-TWO.
HIGH-KICK!
THREE-FOUR,
ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR
HIGH KICK--ONCE MORE!
SEE THE SERGEANT WEAR A GOWN,
NICE AND GRACEFUL, DANCE AROUND!
OH, I FEEL LIKE
A DAINTY BUTTERFLY.
WATCH ME FLIT AROUND
FLIT, FLIT!
SARGENT COLE,
STOP THAT FLITTING!
SON, THAT WAS
THE BEST PRECISION DRILL
I'VE EVER SEEN
FROM A NEW RECRUIT.
OH, GO ON, SIR
YOU'RE TURNIN' ME RED.
I'M GONNA PUT YOU
IN CHARGE OF GUARDING
THE MILITARY'S NEWEST WEAPON
THE AMPHIBIOUS WEASEL,
OR, AS WE CALL IT
THE X-AW?
HIM?
BUT, WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU'RE OUT OF UNIFORM!
AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE WAY TOO
HIPPY FOR THAT KIND OF GOWN.
BUT, SINCE YOU WANT
SPECIAL DUTY SO BADLY
♪
I AM GONNA GET
THAT GREEN-HEADED FREAK
IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.
WELL, THERE SHE IS, BOYS.
THE X-AW.
A GUARANTEED BABE MAGNET
IF I EVER SAW ONE.
WHAT SAY WE
TAKE IT FOR A SPIN?
OH, GOSH, I DON'T THINK
WE'RE ALLOWED TO DO THAT,
PRIVATE MASK.
WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO GUARD IT.
YEAH, BESIDES,
WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAIL.
WHAT IF WE GET SEASICK?
OH, PISH-POSH,
WE'RE MEN OF THE SEA.
WE'VE GOT SEAWEED IN OUR BELLIES
AND LOBSTERS IN OUR TAILS.
NOW, LET'S MAN UP AND RIDE!
♪
OOH, I KNEW THAT GREEN YAHOO
WOULD TRY TO PULL
SOMETHIN' LIKE THIS.
WEIGH ANCHOR!
1,500 POUNDS!
A MIGHT ON THE HEAVY SIDE.
I SAY WE LOSE IT!
NICE TRY, PRIVATE MASK, BUT
I'M A LITTLE TOO CLEVER FOR
AHH!
LET'S SEE THAT THIS BABY CAN DO!
♪
THAT'S SOME PRETTY
EXCITING STUFF, HUH, BOSS?
YES, YES, NOW CONTINUE.
AHH!
♪
AHH!
THAT'S IT COLE, THIS TIME
I'M SENDING YOU AWAY
ON EXTRA-SPECIAL DUTY.
YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA
GET AWAY WITH THIS?
NOT A CHANCE
I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT,
YOU STUPID ICE BUZZARDS?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'LL BE OKAY,
STANDING GUARD ALL BY YOURSELF?
YOU BET, I'LL BE OKAY.
WHICH IS MORE THAN
I CAN SAY FOR ANYBODY
WHO TRIES TO MESS
WITH THIS BOAT.
WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN.
NIGHTY-NIGHT.
MAN, I HAD NO IDEA
STANDING GUARD WAS SO BORING!
WELL, MAYBE SOMETHIN'
GOOD'S PLAYIN'
ON THE OLD SONAR TONIGHT.
OH, GOODY, MY "FAVORITE-EST"
CULT SCI-FI MOVIE:
HULA CREATURES
FROM DIMENSION Z.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE RIGHT
IT'S NOT JUST A JOB,
IT'S AN ADVENTURE.
A FEW SECONDS LATER,
A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
CLIMBED ONBOARD THE BOARD, AND
AHA, SO THAT'S WHEN
YOU TURNED THE X-AW OVER
TO THAT BAND OF HIGH TECH
PIRATES, AND THAT'S WHEN
YOU SOLD YOUR COUNTRY OUT,
YOU TRAITOR!
AND, THAT'S WHAT IT FEEL LIKE
TO HAVE WHIPPED CREAM
DOWN YOUR SHORTS!
NOW, HUSH UP
AND LET ME FINISH MY STORY.
MR. INTRUDER SNUCK UP
REEEAL QUITE LIKE.
BUT ON ACCOUNT OF MY SUPER KEEN
SENSES AND NERVES OF STEEL,
I WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.
UH, EXCUSE ME?
AHH!
DON'T EVER DO THAT.
SORRY.
IT WAS A KID NAMED BRIAN,
AND HE WANTED THE X-AW
FOR HIS SCHOOL SCIENCE FAIR.
MY YOUNG FRIEND,
THE X-AW IS NOT A TOY.
IT IS A SOPHISTICATED PIECE
OF MILITARY HARDWARE, EMPLOYING
THE LATEST STEALTH TECHNOLOGY,
AND IT'S WORTH MILLIONS!
I'LL TRADE YOU
FOR THESE BASEBALL CARDS!
IT'S A DEAL!
THERE IT IS, PETE
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
NOW, HOOK THIS UP TO THE BOAT
AND WE'LL QUIETLY TOW IT AWAY.
HERE YA GO, MATE
I'D DO IT MYSELF,
BUT ME SHINGLES HAVE BEEN
FLARIN' UP SOMETHIN' AWFUL.
OH, BOY, OH, BOY,
OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY!
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT
YOU TRADED THE X-AW FOR AN
ORDINARY SET OF BASEBALL CARDS?
OF COURSE, NOT!
THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS!
THESE ARE HIGHLY COLLECTABLE
BASEBALL CARDS, JUDGE.
FEATURING THE RARE
ALONZO PETTIBONE ALL-STAR CARD!
YES, ALONZO PETTIBONE
THE GREATEST SHORTSTOP
OF ALL TIME!
ONE SEASON, HE STOLE 83 BASES!
UNFORTUNATELY, HE ALSO STOLE
FIVE CARS AND A WINNEBAGO,
AND DID THREE YEARS
IN SING SING.
HEY, THIS CARD ISN'T FROM
ALONZO'S ALL-STAR TEAM.
IT'S FROM HIS PRISON TEAM!
THAT'S IT, THE TRADE'S OFF.
THIS CARD IS, LIKE,
TOTALLY BOGUS, BUD.
GENTLEMAN, I SHALL RETURN.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE,
GREEN CHEEKS.
EXCEPT TO THE BRIG.
HEY, LOOK
IT'S THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
MR. PRESIDENT, SIR.
COURT'S IN RECESS.
♪
OH, THESE SHOES HURT
ME FEET SOMETHIN' AWFUL.
I'M GONNA HURT YOU IF YOU
DON'T STOP COMPLAINING, PETE.
NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN
WE WALK IN, LOCATE THE BOAT,
AND STEAL IT.
AND QUESTIONS?
UH, YEAH.
UH, DO YOU FIND IT EASIER
TO APPLY YOUR LIPSTICK
BEFORE YOUR MASCARA
OR AFTERWARDS.
♪
OH, UM--MISS TEACHER,
COULD YOU PLEASE LOOK
AT MY SCIENCE PROJECT?
GET OUT OF MY
OH, I MEAN, SORRY, DEAR,
BUT I'M IN A BIT OF A HURRY.
SEE--IT'S A VOICE-ACTIVATED
MOUSE TRAP!
IT'S A WHAT?
OW!
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO I WIN, HUH, HUH?
I'LL LET YOU KNOW
YOU LITTLE BRAT.
♪
EXCELLENT, WITH THE X-AW
AT MY COMMAND,
I CAN ROB AND PILLAGE
EVERY SHIP IN THE HARBOR!
UH, BOSS
♪
DUDE, WAIT UP!
♪
PARDONNE-MOI, BUT IS THIS
THE WAY TO THE TOUR DE FRANCE?
OH, WE LOST HIM GOOD
THAT TIME, LONNIE.
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED, MATE.
OH, AM I?
♪
LOCK AND LOAD!
♪
FIRE ONE!
♪
STOP THAT GREEN-HEADED FREAK!
LOOKS LIKE THEY WANT TO PLAY!
LET'S SEE, ONE POTATO, TWO
POTATO, THREE POTATO, FOUR--AHH!
♪
IT'S NOT NICE TO MESS
WITH MR. MASK'S HABERDASHERY.
♪
THE WORD "OOPS" LEAPS TO MIND.
YEAH, TIME FOR
A LITTLE SPORT FISHIN'.
OH, YEAH.
THIS BIG FELLA'S
FULL OF FIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HIYA, FELLAS--MISS ME?
YOU'RE GUILTY.
ME?
NOT YOU, THEM
WE'VE BEEN AFTER LONNIE
AND HIS MEN FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
KEEP AWAY FROM ME,
YOU RABID SNOW CHICKENS!
BACK, BACK I SAY!
I HAVE GOT A FILE ON THIS GUY
THAT'LL SEAL HIS COURT-MARTIAL.
IT'S AN ACCOUNT
OF EVERYTHING HE'S DONE.
SERGEANT, THESE FILES
ARE UNREADABLE.
DARN THEM NASTY PENGUINS!
YEAH, THE PENGUINS.
PRIVATE, YOU'RE A HERO FOR
CAPTURING LONNIE AND HIS GANG
AND THAT'S GOOD.
THEN AGAIN, YOU WENT AWOL
FROM THIS COURT-MARTIAL
AND LOST THE X-AW
AND THAT'S BAD.
ON THE OTHER HAND
YADDA-YADDA-YADDA, LOOK, PAL
I'M RUNNIN' OUT OF SIGNS
SO COULD YOU JUST
GET TO THE POINT?
THE POINT IS
THE MILITARY COULD USE
MORE ORIGINAL-THINKING SOLDIERS,
LIKE YOURSELF.
SO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE PROMOTED
TO LIEUTENANT--CONGRATULATIONS.
NO, LIEUTENANT, NO!
YOU CAN'T!
OKAY, MAGGOT, IT'S CONGA TIME!
HUP-AND TWO AND THREE-KICK,
HUP-AND TWO AND THREE-KICK!
SOMEBODY STOP ME!
[SCAT SINGING]
MAMA-MIA, MAMA-MIA!
LUCY, I'M HOME--OPA!
♪
♪
GREEN MACHINE ♪
♪ THE MANIAC BEHIND
THE BALLYHOO ♪
♪ GOT A HYPERACTIVE
MAYHEM GENE ♪
♪ BUT THAT'S MY GIG, BABE,
IT'S WHAT I DO ♪
♪ AND I COME
SPINNIN' INTO TOWN ♪
♪ GOT EVERYONE SEEIN' RED ♪
♪ BY THE TIME I'M DONE THEY'LL
BE SEEIN' GREEN INSTEAD ♪
♪ SMOKIN' ♪
♪ MY CITY'S ACTING
KIND OF EDGY ♪
♪ TRUST ME TO MAKE
THINGS RIGHT--NOT ♪
♪ IN THE NEWS
ANOTHER DRIVE-BY-WEDGIE ♪
♪ FREAKY MONSTERS
LOOKING FOR A FIGHT ♪
♪ TIME FOR A COSTUME CHANGE ♪
♪ THEN TAKE 'EM FOR A SPIN ♪
♪ FOUR-THREE-TWO-ONE-GO ♪
♪ LET THE GAMES BEGIN ♪
♪ [SCAT SINGING] ♪
♪ SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪
♪ LISTEN ♪
♪ I'M NOT ANY
ORDINARY SUPERHERO ♪
♪ NOT YOUR EVERYDAY
SPANDEX-WEARING ZERO ♪
♪ DID SOMEONE SAY
IT'S PARTY TIME ♪
♪ DO YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK ♪
♪ ANY TIME--READY OR NOT
LOOK OUT ♪
♪ I AM THE MASK ♪♪
MY FELLOW AMERICANS,
I'M DEEPLY HONORED TO BE
RECEIVING THIS MEDAL TODAY.
YOU KNOW,
HEROISM IS LIKE ICE CREAM.
THE MORE YOU LICK
ENOUGH
YOU'RE NOT GETTING A MEDAL.
YOU'RE BEING COURT-MARTIALED.
NOW, SHUT UP AND TAKE THE STAND.
OH, HE'S SO STRICT.
YOUR HONOR,
THIS MAN HAS COST THE MILITARY
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
DUE TO HIS UNRULY ANTICS.
I OBJECT!
YOU DENY THE CHARGES?
NO, I OBJECT
TO THAT COLOGNE YOU'RE WEARING.
PUEY!
TELL THE COURT WHAT HAPPENED,
AND START AT THE VERY BEGINNING.
WELL, IT ALL BEGAN TWO MILLION
YEARS AGO WHEN THE EARTH COOLED.
AND THEN CAME
THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS.
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL WAS THE
TYRANNOSAURUS REX!
NOT THAT FAR BACK
JUST START WITH
YOUR ENLISTMENT IN THE MARINES.
OKAY, BUT YOU'RE GONNA MISS ALL
THE FUN STUFF WITH THE MONKEYS.
I WAS BUSY
SAVING THE GALAXY
FROM THE DREADED
SLIME CREATURES.
TAKE THAT,
YOU MUCK-HEADED MUTANTS!
AND THEN, I SAW IT.
THEY WERE RAFFLING OFF
A COMBINATION BOOM BOX,
BIG SCREEN TV
AND YOGURT MAKER!
AND, I HAD TO HAVE IT!
OH!
YES!
YOU SIGNED YOUR NAME
FIFTY TIMES.
YOU MUST REALLY WANT THIS.
OH, I DO, I DO,
I DO, I DO, I DO.
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET IT.
CONGRATULATIONS, NEW RECRUIT.
WHA!
YOU'RE NOW A MARINE.
HEY, WAIT,
THERE'S GOTTA BE A MISTAKE!
I CAN'T BE IN THE MARINES!
YOU SEE,
I'M WHAT YOU CALL A FREE SPIRIT.
FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE!
MARCHING TO A DIFFERENT DRUMMER.
IN OTHER WORDS,
I'M OUTTA HERE, CHUMPS!
THEY GIVE YOU ALL
YOUR SHAMPOO AND SOAP FOR FREE!
FREE TOILETRIES?
WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?
I'M IN FOR LIFE!
OH, GOODY.
I'M YOUR BUNKY, NORMAN,
HE-HE-HE-HE-HE.
THIS IS SLABHE HAS SOME
MINOR COORDINATION PROBLEMS.
OUCH, OOH, OW,
THAT SMARTS, HEY, OW.
AND, THIS IS OLIVER.
HE'S STILL ADJUSTING
TO MILITARY LIFE.
SORRY, I USUALLY DON'T GET THIS
EXCITED WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE.
WELL, AFTER MEETING YOU FELLAS,
ALL I CAN SAY IS
THIS COUNTRY IS IN BIG TROUBLE.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY
THIS BARRACKS
IS A TOTAL FASHION DISASTER!
IT NEEDS A COMPLETE MAKEOVER.
THIS HAM BONE
BELONGS IN THE STEW.
AH, NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL
"BASIC TRAINING."
YOUR HONOR,
I OBJECT TO THIS TESTIMONY.
-IT'S IRRELEVANT AND IMMATERIAL.
-OH, YEAH?
WELL, YOU'VE GOT
A REALLY BAD TOUPEE.
OH MY GOSH, IT'S ALIVE!
I'LL GET IT MA!
THERE, THAT RASCAL WON'T
BE A-GIVIN' YOU NO MORE TROUBLE.
MWAH!
WHY--YOU--
NOW, THEN--
WHERE WERE WE?
IT WAS MY FIRST NIGHT
IN THE MARINE CORE.
AND, WHILE THE OTHERS
SLEPT SOUNDLY
A TERRIBLE BATTLE
WAS BEING WAGED.
G-4, MISS--B-2, HIT!
HEY
YOU SUNK MY SUBMARINE!
AREN'T YOU GOING TO TURN IN
IT'S REALLY LATE.
SORRY FOR LOSING MY TEMPER.
YOU'RE RIGHT, YOUNG SIR,
IT IS LATE.
AND, I DO NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP.
HELLO?
I'D LIKE TO LEAVE A WAKEUP CALL
FOR AROUND NOONISH, TA!
OKAY, MAGGOTS--RISE AND SHINE!
OH--YES, SIR!
MHM, UH-HUH, MHM.
WHAT IN THE SAM HILL?
NO, GIRLS, PLEASE
NO MORE AUTOGRAPHS,
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I SAID, EVERYONE OUT OF BED--
AND THAT MEANS YOU,
CABBAGE HEAD!
EXCUSE THE HECK OUT OF ME, BUT
I LEFT MY WAKEUP CALL
FOR AROUND NOONISH.
NOT NIGHTISH.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, WISE GUY.
YOU JUST EARNED
YOUR SQUAD A 20 MILE MARCH.
HUT-TWO-THREE-FOUR,
HUT-TWO-THREE-FOUR...
HUT-TWO-YOW!
THERE IS NOW SLEEPING HERE,
PRIVATE!
WELL, NOT ANYMORE THERE ISN'T!
WELL, MAYBE
YOU FIND THIS BORIN'
MAYBE YOU THINK
YOU COULD DO BETTER.
WELL, NOW THAT
YOU MENTIONED IT
EVERYONE MARCH TO THE RIGHT!
YOUR LEFT-YOUR LEFT.
I SAID, EVERYONE
MARCH TO THE LEFT.
YOUR RIGHT, YOUR RIGHT.
SPIN AROUND.
ONE-TWO.
HIGH-KICK!
THREE-FOUR,
ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR
HIGH KICK--ONCE MORE!
SEE THE SERGEANT WEAR A GOWN,
NICE AND GRACEFUL, DANCE AROUND!
OH, I FEEL LIKE
A DAINTY BUTTERFLY.
WATCH ME FLIT AROUND
FLIT, FLIT!
SARGENT COLE,
STOP THAT FLITTING!
SON, THAT WAS
THE BEST PRECISION DRILL
I'VE EVER SEEN
FROM A NEW RECRUIT.
OH, GO ON, SIR
YOU'RE TURNIN' ME RED.
I'M GONNA PUT YOU
IN CHARGE OF GUARDING
THE MILITARY'S NEWEST WEAPON
THE AMPHIBIOUS WEASEL,
OR, AS WE CALL IT
THE X-AW?
HIM?
BUT, WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU'RE OUT OF UNIFORM!
AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE WAY TOO
HIPPY FOR THAT KIND OF GOWN.
BUT, SINCE YOU WANT
SPECIAL DUTY SO BADLY
♪
I AM GONNA GET
THAT GREEN-HEADED FREAK
IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.
WELL, THERE SHE IS, BOYS.
THE X-AW.
A GUARANTEED BABE MAGNET
IF I EVER SAW ONE.
WHAT SAY WE
TAKE IT FOR A SPIN?
OH, GOSH, I DON'T THINK
WE'RE ALLOWED TO DO THAT,
PRIVATE MASK.
WE'RE JUST SUPPOSED TO GUARD IT.
YEAH, BESIDES,
WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAIL.
WHAT IF WE GET SEASICK?
OH, PISH-POSH,
WE'RE MEN OF THE SEA.
WE'VE GOT SEAWEED IN OUR BELLIES
AND LOBSTERS IN OUR TAILS.
NOW, LET'S MAN UP AND RIDE!
♪
OOH, I KNEW THAT GREEN YAHOO
WOULD TRY TO PULL
SOMETHIN' LIKE THIS.
WEIGH ANCHOR!
1,500 POUNDS!
A MIGHT ON THE HEAVY SIDE.
I SAY WE LOSE IT!
NICE TRY, PRIVATE MASK, BUT
I'M A LITTLE TOO CLEVER FOR
AHH!
LET'S SEE THAT THIS BABY CAN DO!
♪
THAT'S SOME PRETTY
EXCITING STUFF, HUH, BOSS?
YES, YES, NOW CONTINUE.
AHH!
♪
AHH!
THAT'S IT COLE, THIS TIME
I'M SENDING YOU AWAY
ON EXTRA-SPECIAL DUTY.
YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA
GET AWAY WITH THIS?
NOT A CHANCE
I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT,
YOU STUPID ICE BUZZARDS?
ARE YOU SURE YOU'LL BE OKAY,
STANDING GUARD ALL BY YOURSELF?
YOU BET, I'LL BE OKAY.
WHICH IS MORE THAN
I CAN SAY FOR ANYBODY
WHO TRIES TO MESS
WITH THIS BOAT.
WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN.
NIGHTY-NIGHT.
MAN, I HAD NO IDEA
STANDING GUARD WAS SO BORING!
WELL, MAYBE SOMETHIN'
GOOD'S PLAYIN'
ON THE OLD SONAR TONIGHT.
OH, GOODY, MY "FAVORITE-EST"
CULT SCI-FI MOVIE:
HULA CREATURES
FROM DIMENSION Z.
YOU KNOW, THEY'RE RIGHT
IT'S NOT JUST A JOB,
IT'S AN ADVENTURE.
A FEW SECONDS LATER,
A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
CLIMBED ONBOARD THE BOARD, AND
AHA, SO THAT'S WHEN
YOU TURNED THE X-AW OVER
TO THAT BAND OF HIGH TECH
PIRATES, AND THAT'S WHEN
YOU SOLD YOUR COUNTRY OUT,
YOU TRAITOR!
AND, THAT'S WHAT IT FEEL LIKE
TO HAVE WHIPPED CREAM
DOWN YOUR SHORTS!
NOW, HUSH UP
AND LET ME FINISH MY STORY.
MR. INTRUDER SNUCK UP
REEEAL QUITE LIKE.
BUT ON ACCOUNT OF MY SUPER KEEN
SENSES AND NERVES OF STEEL,
I WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.
UH, EXCUSE ME?
AHH!
DON'T EVER DO THAT.
SORRY.
IT WAS A KID NAMED BRIAN,
AND HE WANTED THE X-AW
FOR HIS SCHOOL SCIENCE FAIR.
MY YOUNG FRIEND,
THE X-AW IS NOT A TOY.
IT IS A SOPHISTICATED PIECE
OF MILITARY HARDWARE, EMPLOYING
THE LATEST STEALTH TECHNOLOGY,
AND IT'S WORTH MILLIONS!
I'LL TRADE YOU
FOR THESE BASEBALL CARDS!
IT'S A DEAL!
THERE IT IS, PETE
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
NOW, HOOK THIS UP TO THE BOAT
AND WE'LL QUIETLY TOW IT AWAY.
HERE YA GO, MATE
I'D DO IT MYSELF,
BUT ME SHINGLES HAVE BEEN
FLARIN' UP SOMETHIN' AWFUL.
OH, BOY, OH, BOY,
OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY!
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT
YOU TRADED THE X-AW FOR AN
ORDINARY SET OF BASEBALL CARDS?
OF COURSE, NOT!
THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS!
THESE ARE HIGHLY COLLECTABLE
BASEBALL CARDS, JUDGE.
FEATURING THE RARE
ALONZO PETTIBONE ALL-STAR CARD!
YES, ALONZO PETTIBONE
THE GREATEST SHORTSTOP
OF ALL TIME!
ONE SEASON, HE STOLE 83 BASES!
UNFORTUNATELY, HE ALSO STOLE
FIVE CARS AND A WINNEBAGO,
AND DID THREE YEARS
IN SING SING.
HEY, THIS CARD ISN'T FROM
ALONZO'S ALL-STAR TEAM.
IT'S FROM HIS PRISON TEAM!
THAT'S IT, THE TRADE'S OFF.
THIS CARD IS, LIKE,
TOTALLY BOGUS, BUD.
GENTLEMAN, I SHALL RETURN.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE,
GREEN CHEEKS.
EXCEPT TO THE BRIG.
HEY, LOOK
IT'S THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
MR. PRESIDENT, SIR.
COURT'S IN RECESS.
♪
OH, THESE SHOES HURT
ME FEET SOMETHIN' AWFUL.
I'M GONNA HURT YOU IF YOU
DON'T STOP COMPLAINING, PETE.
NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN
WE WALK IN, LOCATE THE BOAT,
AND STEAL IT.
AND QUESTIONS?
UH, YEAH.
UH, DO YOU FIND IT EASIER
TO APPLY YOUR LIPSTICK
BEFORE YOUR MASCARA
OR AFTERWARDS.
♪
OH, UM--MISS TEACHER,
COULD YOU PLEASE LOOK
AT MY SCIENCE PROJECT?
GET OUT OF MY
OH, I MEAN, SORRY, DEAR,
BUT I'M IN A BIT OF A HURRY.
SEE--IT'S A VOICE-ACTIVATED
MOUSE TRAP!
IT'S A WHAT?
OW!
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DO I WIN, HUH, HUH?
I'LL LET YOU KNOW
YOU LITTLE BRAT.
♪
EXCELLENT, WITH THE X-AW
AT MY COMMAND,
I CAN ROB AND PILLAGE
EVERY SHIP IN THE HARBOR!
UH, BOSS
♪
DUDE, WAIT UP!
♪
PARDONNE-MOI, BUT IS THIS
THE WAY TO THE TOUR DE FRANCE?
OH, WE LOST HIM GOOD
THAT TIME, LONNIE.
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.
YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED, MATE.
OH, AM I?
♪
LOCK AND LOAD!
♪
FIRE ONE!
♪
STOP THAT GREEN-HEADED FREAK!
LOOKS LIKE THEY WANT TO PLAY!
LET'S SEE, ONE POTATO, TWO
POTATO, THREE POTATO, FOUR--AHH!
♪
IT'S NOT NICE TO MESS
WITH MR. MASK'S HABERDASHERY.
♪
THE WORD "OOPS" LEAPS TO MIND.
YEAH, TIME FOR
A LITTLE SPORT FISHIN'.
OH, YEAH.
THIS BIG FELLA'S
FULL OF FIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HIYA, FELLAS--MISS ME?
YOU'RE GUILTY.
ME?
NOT YOU, THEM
WE'VE BEEN AFTER LONNIE
AND HIS MEN FOR QUITE SOME TIME.
KEEP AWAY FROM ME,
YOU RABID SNOW CHICKENS!
BACK, BACK I SAY!
I HAVE GOT A FILE ON THIS GUY
THAT'LL SEAL HIS COURT-MARTIAL.
IT'S AN ACCOUNT
OF EVERYTHING HE'S DONE.
SERGEANT, THESE FILES
ARE UNREADABLE.
DARN THEM NASTY PENGUINS!
YEAH, THE PENGUINS.
PRIVATE, YOU'RE A HERO FOR
CAPTURING LONNIE AND HIS GANG
AND THAT'S GOOD.
THEN AGAIN, YOU WENT AWOL
FROM THIS COURT-MARTIAL
AND LOST THE X-AW
AND THAT'S BAD.
ON THE OTHER HAND
YADDA-YADDA-YADDA, LOOK, PAL
I'M RUNNIN' OUT OF SIGNS
SO COULD YOU JUST
GET TO THE POINT?
THE POINT IS
THE MILITARY COULD USE
MORE ORIGINAL-THINKING SOLDIERS,
LIKE YOURSELF.
SO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE PROMOTED
TO LIEUTENANT--CONGRATULATIONS.
NO, LIEUTENANT, NO!
YOU CAN'T!
OKAY, MAGGOT, IT'S CONGA TIME!
HUP-AND TWO AND THREE-KICK,
HUP-AND TWO AND THREE-KICK!
SOMEBODY STOP ME!
[SCAT SINGING]
MAMA-MIA, MAMA-MIA!
LUCY, I'M HOME--OPA!
♪
♪