The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 8 - Jurassic Mask - full transcript
[yelling]
d I got ya with
my winning smile d
d I'm a living lesson
in flair and style d
d You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire d
d I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco d
d Rococo, Barroco d
d Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop d
Somebody stop me!
d Pretty viridian
faces like mine d
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
d Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! d
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
d Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells d
d Had better learn to
decorate prison cells d
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
d Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about d
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
d This is the Mask! dd
Smokin'!
[snoring]
[truck beeping]
[crashing]
Oh!
Ooh, I hate trash day!
Hey, buddy!
I wanna talk to you!
Oh, yeah?
And what might be the
nature of this discussion?
[gulps] Well,
um, you see, sir.
Thursday nights we have to count
all the money down at the bank,
where I work,
and I don't get to bed
until really late,
so I was wondering, uh, if you
could just hold down the noise
a little teensy bit
on F-Friday mornings?
Oh!
Perhaps you'd prefer me
to retrieve your trash
at a later hour?
Would say 9:00 or 10:00
be more convenient?
Well, sure.
[chuckles] I mean, 10:00,
gosh, that'd be just great.
Thanks!
Ow!
Milo, you've just witnessed
the process
which separates
man from the beasts.
Oh, no offense.
Sure, we coulda used coarse
language and duked it out...
- [machine whirring]
- [barking]
But civilized verbal
communication,
that is so much more effective.
And frankly...
I'll be back to pick up
your trash at 10:00 sharp.
[laughs]
[coughing]
All right! All right,
that is it.
Stanley Ipkiss lets no one
push him around!
Well, actually Stanley Ipkiss
lets everyone push him around.
But I know someone who doesn't.
[growling]
Don't try to stop me,
Milo.
Civilized verbal communication
has its place, that's fine.
That garbage man needs
to get his can kicked.
[whines]
Stinkin'!
Well, well, what do you know?
Haven't seen one of these since
my last birthday party.
[orchestra playing]
"Look behind you"?
[laughing]
Yow!
Oh, careful now.
Watch your step.
Ha! I'm not falling for
that old banana-peel gag!
Well, actually this
is a new one.
And it's falling for you.
d And that takes care
of the weasel dd
[grunts]
Chew on that, freak face!
[laughing]
[sighs]
Ugh, reminds me of kissing
Mrs. Beaman.
You!
[growling]
[screams]
[chuckles]
Nice going, Milo.
Now, be a good boy
and give me the mask.
[growls]
Oh, Milo!
I don't wanna play this game.
Hey, mutt! You make
a great moving target!
[laughs]
[grunts]
[yells]
[laughs]
Milo, I'm gonna
be late for work!
[growling]
Milo!
That's not our bone.
Put it down.
Good boy.
Oh, Milo!
[whistle blows]
All right, bone thief,
hold it right there.
Uh-oh.
[panting]
I gotta find Milo and get him
out of here before...
[growls]
[yelps]
[roaring]
Wa! [grunts]
Hey, Mr. PJs!
What are you, scared?
These are just
animatronic robots.
[roaring slows]
See?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, sure, I mean,
a-animatronic.
[chuckles] I know that.
Good stuff, huh?
Hey! Did you steal that bone?
The b...?
Well, no. You see, actually what
happened was...
Hey, guard! Boomfie!
[chattering]
[woman] Now, please,
we must be patient.
I'm sure the doctor
will be here momentarily.
After all, what scientist
would miss out on receiving
the prestigious Kelp Award?
Oh, hi, sorry.
I'm late.
I gotta find my...
Oh, pishposh, Dr. Propter.
No apologies necessary.
He's wearing pajamas.
I told you he was a nutcase.
Uh, you know, I think you
have the wrong person.
Oh, nonsense,
my humble colleague,
no one deserves the
Kelp Award more than you.
I got you now, bone thief!
[grunts]
Oh, you fool!
This happens to be
Dr. Horace T. Propter.
The world's leading researcher
on nuclear-powered
laser regeneration.
Him? But he's
wearing pajamas.
Uh, y-yes. Yes.
Well, we famous
scientist-types
don't like wasting time getting
dressed in the morning, so...
Now, if you'll excuse me.
If you're really a hotshot
scientist, then prove it!
He was planning
on doing just that.
Weren't you, doctor?
Uh, well, I...
Dr. Propter will now demonstrate
his greatest invention.
In invented droopy houseplants?
No, this is your nuclear-powered
laser regenerator.
[laughing] Such
a sense of humor.
Yes. [chuckles]
Just a little joke to,
you know, break the ice.
Now, the k-key to
nuclear-powered...
Is it "laser regeneration"?
Yeah.
...is to regenerate,
using of course a,
um, a l-l-laser,
which is powered, um,
nuclearly.
Um, OK, tell me if I'm going
too fast for you now.
[beeping]
[growling]
Milo, where's the mask,
fella?
Milo!
[roaring]
[roaring]
[chuckles]
It's OK, boy.
You see that?
[chuckles] They're just
animatronic robots.
[roaring]
No, they're not!
They're alive!
[all screaming]
[roaring]
[screaming]
[growling]
[chattering]
[sighs]
Your regeneration ray has
apparently brought the
animatronic dinosaurs
to life, doctor.
Yes, well, I-I'm sure
we'll be safe in here.
But then again...
[screaming]
Oh, great, so that's
where you hid it.
Are you sure you're
not part squirrel?
[panting]
[roaring]
[snarling]
[Milo whining]
And I thought you had some
disgusting table manners.
[roaring]
[chuckling] That's OK,
don't say excuse me.
Let's just toss two million
years of civilization out the
window, what do you say?
OK, now, let's just
get the mask and...
[guard] All right,
you bone thief
and artifact demolisher.
I'm putting you under
museum arrest!
Sorry I missed this party.
[grunts]
Someone practically destroyed
the whole museum.
Couldn't have been worse
than the jerk I ran into
this morning.
If I ever get my hands on him
again, I'm gonna...
Oh, the mask has got to be
in with all that trash.
No, I told you not to chase
moving vehicles, Milo.
But come on!
[growling]
Oh!
[sighs]
[mumbling]
Nothing but junk in here.
Well, what do you know?
[tires screeching]
[yelps]
[laughing]
[dispatcher] Attention
all units, I repeat,
attention all units.
Be on the lookout for
prehistoric predators
with an appetite for metal.
There's one now.
Let's take him, Doyle.
[Doyle] Oh, but I just
poured my soup, lieutenant.
Ouch! It's burning my... lap!
[siren wailing]
Don't be a crybaby, Doyle.
At least it's not coffee.
All right, you prehistoric
creep, you're going down.
I read you, lieutenant.
[Doyle over PA] Attention,
rampaging dinosaur.
Pull over to the curb.
I repeat some more:
pull over.
And they say that dinosaurs
have small brains.
[brakes screeching]
[roaring]
It's a good thing they just eat
metal. Huh, lieutenant?
[roars]
Ah, close call, Doyle.
I tell you, having a
metal plate in your head
isn't all it's cracked up
to be.
Did you ever try hanging
refrigerator magnets off of it,
you know, to hold memos or...?
[Stanley and Milo screaming]
[yells]
[roars]
G-Get off my windshield,
you big, ugly bug!
[screeching]
[screaming]
[grunting]
[roaring]
[grunts] Me smokin'!
And fire not even
discovered yet.
[grunting]
Bad dinosaurs!
Ice Age coming to make
you all extinct.
Hmm, me should go
finish them off.
But first...
Uh, girlfriend,
you really should do
something about those hips.
[man] And a very good
afternoon to you all!
I am Don Poppol,
sole distributor
of the amazing
growth-formula spray.
As you know, this incredible
formula was developed by a
world-famous scientist.
Seems he wanted to enlarge
the world's food supply.
But folks, who really
eats six-foot tomatoes?
What do we want?
Hair! Hair! Hair! Hair!
Did I hear someone say hair?
Of course, seeing is believing.
So I'll just spray
a small amount
of the amazing growth formula
on this folliculy
challenged gentleman.
And Mama, get the lawnmower.
[crowd cheering]
A little boost will do you fine.
[crashing]
[roaring]
[screaming]
Oh, how dreadfully awful!
No etiquette whatsoever.
Everyone knows one must always
lift the pinky in the air
when devouring TV equipment.
[high voice] Hey!
I seen this stuff on TV!
[normal voice]
Wonder if it works.
[screams]
Don't worry, lady!
The circus is hiring!
[roaring]
Here you go, boys.
This oughta give you a
good size hair ball.
[barking]
[whining]
Whoopsie.
Guess I made a
teensy miscalculation.
Hee-hee! Them boys gotten
too big for their britches.
I reckon something's
gotta be done.
Well, kick the dog
and spit in the fire,
I got me an idea.
If this here stuff's
made 'em big,
there must be a
opposite-type formula
to make 'em teeny-tiny small.
But I reckon my brain
just ain't a big enough
to think of such a formula.
[barking]
Hey, good thinkin', Rover.
[grunting] You get back
on in there, you.
Get on in! Go on! Get in there!
Now, to get to work
on the antidote formula.
Ew, don't you just hate it
when that happens.
And Edge City remains
in a state of siege
as the three prehistoric
behemoths continue their
destructive rampage.
Earlier today, they destroyed
the Thomas Jefferson Bridge,
prompting Mayor Tilton
to rename it
"The Thomas Jefferson
Really Big Piece
of Sunken Concrete."
But there was more
devastation to come.
The dinosaurs destroyed
the Edge City radio tower
as well as scratching
the paint off a mailbox,
which is a Federal offense.
Time is running out
for Edge City.
Is there no hero
who can save us?
[laughs] Yes! Bingo!
I've finally done it!
It is ready!
Ah, the perfect cup
of cappuccino.
Watch out, Seattle.
Ah! Now, to work on that
anti-growth formula.
This ought to do the trick.
Grandpa Mask's Freeze-Dried
Reverse-Growth Formula Flakes.
So simple, so quick,
and all you do is add water.
Now, let's see if it works.
Here at Edge City Airport,
the dinosaurs continue their
terrifying feeding frenzy.
Let's just hope
they don't notice
that air traffic control tower.
[roaring]
With that tower destroyed,
there's no telling what
disaster could befall the many
flights due to land.
Oh, the humanity!
[imitates theme from "The Good,
the Bad and the Ugly."]
All right, you varmints!
Reckon it's time to send you
for the last roundup.
[roars]
Uh-oh.
Note to self: never step
on a bug again.
It is very painful.
[imitates Popeye's laugh]
Ptuy! What am I doing?
I hate spinach.
It's time to pump me up!
[German accent]
Puny dinosaurs,
gaze upon my countenance
and despair.
Run and hide from the
magnificence of my pectorals.
[plane flying]
[mewing]
Hey, these are better
than Sea-Monkeys,
and I know just what to do
with these little critters.
Huh?
[growling]
Hi, anybody ever tell you
that you've got a
magnetic personality?
[growling]
[yelling] Get away from me!
Get off my shoes!
Get away from my pants!
Go get him, boys!
Pedal to the metal!
Somebody stop me!
[laughs]
d I got ya with
my winning smile d
d I'm a living lesson
in flair and style d
d You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire d
d I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco d
d Rococo, Barroco d
d Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop d
Somebody stop me!
d Pretty viridian
faces like mine d
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
d Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! d
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
d Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells d
d Had better learn to
decorate prison cells d
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
d Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about d
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
d This is the Mask! dd
Smokin'!
[snoring]
[truck beeping]
[crashing]
Oh!
Ooh, I hate trash day!
Hey, buddy!
I wanna talk to you!
Oh, yeah?
And what might be the
nature of this discussion?
[gulps] Well,
um, you see, sir.
Thursday nights we have to count
all the money down at the bank,
where I work,
and I don't get to bed
until really late,
so I was wondering, uh, if you
could just hold down the noise
a little teensy bit
on F-Friday mornings?
Oh!
Perhaps you'd prefer me
to retrieve your trash
at a later hour?
Would say 9:00 or 10:00
be more convenient?
Well, sure.
[chuckles] I mean, 10:00,
gosh, that'd be just great.
Thanks!
Ow!
Milo, you've just witnessed
the process
which separates
man from the beasts.
Oh, no offense.
Sure, we coulda used coarse
language and duked it out...
- [machine whirring]
- [barking]
But civilized verbal
communication,
that is so much more effective.
And frankly...
I'll be back to pick up
your trash at 10:00 sharp.
[laughs]
[coughing]
All right! All right,
that is it.
Stanley Ipkiss lets no one
push him around!
Well, actually Stanley Ipkiss
lets everyone push him around.
But I know someone who doesn't.
[growling]
Don't try to stop me,
Milo.
Civilized verbal communication
has its place, that's fine.
That garbage man needs
to get his can kicked.
[whines]
Stinkin'!
Well, well, what do you know?
Haven't seen one of these since
my last birthday party.
[orchestra playing]
"Look behind you"?
[laughing]
Yow!
Oh, careful now.
Watch your step.
Ha! I'm not falling for
that old banana-peel gag!
Well, actually this
is a new one.
And it's falling for you.
d And that takes care
of the weasel dd
[grunts]
Chew on that, freak face!
[laughing]
[sighs]
Ugh, reminds me of kissing
Mrs. Beaman.
You!
[growling]
[screams]
[chuckles]
Nice going, Milo.
Now, be a good boy
and give me the mask.
[growls]
Oh, Milo!
I don't wanna play this game.
Hey, mutt! You make
a great moving target!
[laughs]
[grunts]
[yells]
[laughs]
Milo, I'm gonna
be late for work!
[growling]
Milo!
That's not our bone.
Put it down.
Good boy.
Oh, Milo!
[whistle blows]
All right, bone thief,
hold it right there.
Uh-oh.
[panting]
I gotta find Milo and get him
out of here before...
[growls]
[yelps]
[roaring]
Wa! [grunts]
Hey, Mr. PJs!
What are you, scared?
These are just
animatronic robots.
[roaring slows]
See?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, sure, I mean,
a-animatronic.
[chuckles] I know that.
Good stuff, huh?
Hey! Did you steal that bone?
The b...?
Well, no. You see, actually what
happened was...
Hey, guard! Boomfie!
[chattering]
[woman] Now, please,
we must be patient.
I'm sure the doctor
will be here momentarily.
After all, what scientist
would miss out on receiving
the prestigious Kelp Award?
Oh, hi, sorry.
I'm late.
I gotta find my...
Oh, pishposh, Dr. Propter.
No apologies necessary.
He's wearing pajamas.
I told you he was a nutcase.
Uh, you know, I think you
have the wrong person.
Oh, nonsense,
my humble colleague,
no one deserves the
Kelp Award more than you.
I got you now, bone thief!
[grunts]
Oh, you fool!
This happens to be
Dr. Horace T. Propter.
The world's leading researcher
on nuclear-powered
laser regeneration.
Him? But he's
wearing pajamas.
Uh, y-yes. Yes.
Well, we famous
scientist-types
don't like wasting time getting
dressed in the morning, so...
Now, if you'll excuse me.
If you're really a hotshot
scientist, then prove it!
He was planning
on doing just that.
Weren't you, doctor?
Uh, well, I...
Dr. Propter will now demonstrate
his greatest invention.
In invented droopy houseplants?
No, this is your nuclear-powered
laser regenerator.
[laughing] Such
a sense of humor.
Yes. [chuckles]
Just a little joke to,
you know, break the ice.
Now, the k-key to
nuclear-powered...
Is it "laser regeneration"?
Yeah.
...is to regenerate,
using of course a,
um, a l-l-laser,
which is powered, um,
nuclearly.
Um, OK, tell me if I'm going
too fast for you now.
[beeping]
[growling]
Milo, where's the mask,
fella?
Milo!
[roaring]
[roaring]
[chuckles]
It's OK, boy.
You see that?
[chuckles] They're just
animatronic robots.
[roaring]
No, they're not!
They're alive!
[all screaming]
[roaring]
[screaming]
[growling]
[chattering]
[sighs]
Your regeneration ray has
apparently brought the
animatronic dinosaurs
to life, doctor.
Yes, well, I-I'm sure
we'll be safe in here.
But then again...
[screaming]
Oh, great, so that's
where you hid it.
Are you sure you're
not part squirrel?
[panting]
[roaring]
[snarling]
[Milo whining]
And I thought you had some
disgusting table manners.
[roaring]
[chuckling] That's OK,
don't say excuse me.
Let's just toss two million
years of civilization out the
window, what do you say?
OK, now, let's just
get the mask and...
[guard] All right,
you bone thief
and artifact demolisher.
I'm putting you under
museum arrest!
Sorry I missed this party.
[grunts]
Someone practically destroyed
the whole museum.
Couldn't have been worse
than the jerk I ran into
this morning.
If I ever get my hands on him
again, I'm gonna...
Oh, the mask has got to be
in with all that trash.
No, I told you not to chase
moving vehicles, Milo.
But come on!
[growling]
Oh!
[sighs]
[mumbling]
Nothing but junk in here.
Well, what do you know?
[tires screeching]
[yelps]
[laughing]
[dispatcher] Attention
all units, I repeat,
attention all units.
Be on the lookout for
prehistoric predators
with an appetite for metal.
There's one now.
Let's take him, Doyle.
[Doyle] Oh, but I just
poured my soup, lieutenant.
Ouch! It's burning my... lap!
[siren wailing]
Don't be a crybaby, Doyle.
At least it's not coffee.
All right, you prehistoric
creep, you're going down.
I read you, lieutenant.
[Doyle over PA] Attention,
rampaging dinosaur.
Pull over to the curb.
I repeat some more:
pull over.
And they say that dinosaurs
have small brains.
[brakes screeching]
[roaring]
It's a good thing they just eat
metal. Huh, lieutenant?
[roars]
Ah, close call, Doyle.
I tell you, having a
metal plate in your head
isn't all it's cracked up
to be.
Did you ever try hanging
refrigerator magnets off of it,
you know, to hold memos or...?
[Stanley and Milo screaming]
[yells]
[roars]
G-Get off my windshield,
you big, ugly bug!
[screeching]
[screaming]
[grunting]
[roaring]
[grunts] Me smokin'!
And fire not even
discovered yet.
[grunting]
Bad dinosaurs!
Ice Age coming to make
you all extinct.
Hmm, me should go
finish them off.
But first...
Uh, girlfriend,
you really should do
something about those hips.
[man] And a very good
afternoon to you all!
I am Don Poppol,
sole distributor
of the amazing
growth-formula spray.
As you know, this incredible
formula was developed by a
world-famous scientist.
Seems he wanted to enlarge
the world's food supply.
But folks, who really
eats six-foot tomatoes?
What do we want?
Hair! Hair! Hair! Hair!
Did I hear someone say hair?
Of course, seeing is believing.
So I'll just spray
a small amount
of the amazing growth formula
on this folliculy
challenged gentleman.
And Mama, get the lawnmower.
[crowd cheering]
A little boost will do you fine.
[crashing]
[roaring]
[screaming]
Oh, how dreadfully awful!
No etiquette whatsoever.
Everyone knows one must always
lift the pinky in the air
when devouring TV equipment.
[high voice] Hey!
I seen this stuff on TV!
[normal voice]
Wonder if it works.
[screams]
Don't worry, lady!
The circus is hiring!
[roaring]
Here you go, boys.
This oughta give you a
good size hair ball.
[barking]
[whining]
Whoopsie.
Guess I made a
teensy miscalculation.
Hee-hee! Them boys gotten
too big for their britches.
I reckon something's
gotta be done.
Well, kick the dog
and spit in the fire,
I got me an idea.
If this here stuff's
made 'em big,
there must be a
opposite-type formula
to make 'em teeny-tiny small.
But I reckon my brain
just ain't a big enough
to think of such a formula.
[barking]
Hey, good thinkin', Rover.
[grunting] You get back
on in there, you.
Get on in! Go on! Get in there!
Now, to get to work
on the antidote formula.
Ew, don't you just hate it
when that happens.
And Edge City remains
in a state of siege
as the three prehistoric
behemoths continue their
destructive rampage.
Earlier today, they destroyed
the Thomas Jefferson Bridge,
prompting Mayor Tilton
to rename it
"The Thomas Jefferson
Really Big Piece
of Sunken Concrete."
But there was more
devastation to come.
The dinosaurs destroyed
the Edge City radio tower
as well as scratching
the paint off a mailbox,
which is a Federal offense.
Time is running out
for Edge City.
Is there no hero
who can save us?
[laughs] Yes! Bingo!
I've finally done it!
It is ready!
Ah, the perfect cup
of cappuccino.
Watch out, Seattle.
Ah! Now, to work on that
anti-growth formula.
This ought to do the trick.
Grandpa Mask's Freeze-Dried
Reverse-Growth Formula Flakes.
So simple, so quick,
and all you do is add water.
Now, let's see if it works.
Here at Edge City Airport,
the dinosaurs continue their
terrifying feeding frenzy.
Let's just hope
they don't notice
that air traffic control tower.
[roaring]
With that tower destroyed,
there's no telling what
disaster could befall the many
flights due to land.
Oh, the humanity!
[imitates theme from "The Good,
the Bad and the Ugly."]
All right, you varmints!
Reckon it's time to send you
for the last roundup.
[roars]
Uh-oh.
Note to self: never step
on a bug again.
It is very painful.
[imitates Popeye's laugh]
Ptuy! What am I doing?
I hate spinach.
It's time to pump me up!
[German accent]
Puny dinosaurs,
gaze upon my countenance
and despair.
Run and hide from the
magnificence of my pectorals.
[plane flying]
[mewing]
Hey, these are better
than Sea-Monkeys,
and I know just what to do
with these little critters.
Huh?
[growling]
Hi, anybody ever tell you
that you've got a
magnetic personality?
[growling]
[yelling] Get away from me!
Get off my shoes!
Get away from my pants!
Go get him, boys!
Pedal to the metal!
Somebody stop me!
[laughs]