The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 6 - Channel Surfin' - full transcript

[yelling]

d I got ya with
my winning smile d

d I'm a living lesson
in flair and style d

d You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire d

d I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco d

d Rococo, Barroco d

d Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop d

Somebody stop me!

d Pretty viridian
faces like mine d

Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!

d Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! d



Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!

d Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells d

d Had better learn to
decorate prison cells d

Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?

d Well, there's one last
thing I gotta sing about d

Open up wide and really shout!

Whoa, look out!

d This is the Mask! dd

Smokin'!

Come on down
to Maniacal Mike's
Electronic Tele-Village.

We're going totally out
of control.

Coming this fall,
he's a new breed
of supervillain.

He's Channel Surfer!

[screaming]



You're the wacko who's been
ripping off electronics
all over town.

You're totally out of control.

Wrong. I'm in control,
remote control.

Here, have a little dose
of cathode ray.

[blows] And now to continue
my little shopping spree.

Make no payments until
June of next year.

A match made in heaven.

His prices are out of control.

And my... I mean, Stanley's

credit card is burning
a hole in my pocket.

Now then automatic
can opener,

nose hair-a-matic,
combination virtual reality
headgear and salon dryer.

Battery-operated battery
operator. Gotta have two
of those.

It's one stop electronic
shopping, but wait,

there's more.

He messed
with my merchandise.

Big mistake.

Yo, gnarly radio waves today.
You wanna hang ten, bro?

Now that I've seen
your fall preview,

how's about giving
me my stuff back?

[groans]

I'm taking that as a no.

Clever of you to land
in those vacuum cleaners.

How did you know this was
sweeps week?

This sucks in new
and interesting ways.

Ha! It'll take more
than a household appliance
to outsmart me.

[coughing]

Now let me see.
I get three wishes.

First, I want
David Hasselhoff's job.

I'll be back.

Second wish, a decent glass
of chocolate milk

without all that powdery stuff
floating on the top.

But first, time to short circuit
Mr. 12-Inch Diagonal here.

Let me see.
AC, DC, Lucy, one fish,
two fish, red fish, blue fish.

Aha! Here's your problem.

Looks like we're all out
of time, but tune in
tomorrow when I return

for the same...
[power wanes]

Is that what they mean
by must flee TV?

That confounded Mask.
You try rubbing him out,
scrubbing him out,

but he won't go away
like ring around the collar.

No matter.
Nothing must interrupt
my regularly scheduled plan

to make Edge City pay.

Pointy Peaks,
my new very favorite show.

They got it canceled
with their letter writing
campaign.

It's their fault
I'm in this condition...

I was once Raymond Nielsen,
couch potato extraordinaire.

Until that fateful day...

Pointy Peaksoff the air.

No! It can't be.
[sobbing]

It's gotta be.
It's gotta be!

[screams]

From that day forward,

I would be known
as Channel Surfer.

When I'm through,
Edge City will have no choice

but to watch what
I want to watch.

Then they'll know
the meaning of quality
programming.

But first, a word
from our sponsor.

The makers of Mask Be Gone.

"The Ooh-La-La Channel."
I don't think so.

"The 24-Hour Emergency Broadcast
System Network Police.

Polka Hits Central."
Come on!

Who ordered all these
premium channels
and pay-per-view movies anyway?

As if I didn't know.
Now that they're paid for.

What do you say, Milo?
You wanna watch some tube?

Live from Long Beach Island,
let's get ready to putt!

It's world championship
miniature golf!

We interrupt this program
for a special announcement

for the Mask.

Now where have I seen
this guy before?

Oh, no.

I know you're out there,
my green-faced friend.

And I'm inviting you
to join me

for a very special
episode of revenge.

Not today, pal.

You've got exactly five
minutes before I declare
this a forfeit.

And everybody in Edge
City pays.

But don't just take
my word for it.

Each and every one helpless,

useless and more will follow.

I don't wanna do this.

I don't have any choice.

Hey, now!
200 channels of pure
mindless entertainment

and they're all mine.

Still hedging, Mask?
What if we throw in
at no additional cost

an entire post office
full of zombies?

Right. Like anyone could
tell the difference.

Time's running out, Mask.

The fate of the city
is in your hands.

[rings]

[spits] That maniac!

He's preempting a rampaging
reptile movie marathon.

It's time someone learned
a lesson about being
a good neighbor.

All right, you little
reptile ruiner.

Now I'm getting a little bent
out of shape.

[Surfer]
Right you are!

In this world,
I control the vertical.

I control the horizontal.

Oh, my God. I'm changing
the face of television.

Not only that,
you fell right for my trap.

Nice little setup
you've got here.

Nobody munches on my pork
rinds and survives.

[tapping on glass]

So we can slide
on the pork rinds.

Just let me out of here.

Sorry, but your series
has just been renewed

for the rest of your life.

I got news for you, pal.

I'm not ready for prime time.

Nonsense, you're a natural.

[Milo growls]

Why, I'm willing to bet
you'd be versatile in any
type of program.

The hits of the '70s
will never die

onDisco Zombie Fever.

- [screams]
- [clicks]

Here we see the Madagascar
thorn spider

inching up on its prey.

Help me! Help me!

[yawns] Nature programs
are such a bore.

How about something wholesome
for the kiddies?

d We're the fuzzy bears d

d Won't you come out
and play? d

d Here in Rainbow
Lollipop Land d

d We're so delicious dd

No!

That's right, Mask.
We're sending you on
an all-expense paid trip

to Rainbow Lollipop Land
for eternity.

And your TV is just the start.

All of Edge City will be
under my command

by 8:00 tonight,
7:00 Central.

d We'll have yum-yum drops
all morning d

d When she comes d

d We'll have yum-yum drops
all morning d

d When she comes d

[screaming]

[singing continuing]

d Won't you say
you love me too? d

[whirring]

[panting]
Can't hold out much longer.

Must change shows.

Change shows.

Come on, kids,
hop till you drop.

[laughs]

- No! Anything but this.
- [whimpers]

You've been here
for over 30 years.

You built a nuclear reactor
on coconuts.

For pity's sake, man,
fix the hole in the boat!

Milo, get me out of here!

Or at least put on
the Ooh-La-La Channel.

Milo.

No more television for you.

[man] Call this number.

It's your key
to psychic fulfillment.

[laughs] Didn't see
that coming, did you,
my little psychic friend?

I'd like to solve the puzzle.

I love my Magic
Tinkle Baby.

Do you mind, sister?

How about
a little privacy here?

Or at least a magazine.

Yes! I am good.

Stanley. Hello.

Oh, my gosh.
Stanley, can you hear me?

Are you all right?

Change channels.

There. That's much better.

Sure, if you like
hanging out in bars.

So what happened here?

Not much.

That Channel Surfer bozo
hermetically sealed me
inside the boob tube.

Now let me see,
I've been a guest star
on 36 different shows

and I still don't have
my actors union card.

We gotta get you out of there.

Hmm. Maybe if I turn
the set off.

[screams]

Don't ever do that again.

Have you tried taking
the Mask off?

Take off my face?
No, wouldn't work.

Well, it's worth a try,
Mr. Glass Is Half Empty.

Or are you afraid
to take the Mask off?

I can take if off
any time I wanna.

I just don't wanna,
that's all.

OK, fine, have a nice life.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake,
baker's man,

bake me a cake
as fast as you...

Pat this, you Jurassic jerk.

Take off the Mask,
take off the Mask!

Come on, you stupid little...

[screams]

Oh, great. Could it get
any worse than this?

Peggy! Change the channel!

[grunting]

Somehow these cartoons
aren't as funny
from the inside.

It's finished!

200,000 watts
of high definition

surround sound power.

Once I flick this remote,

all of Edge City know
the meaning of Must Watch TV.

Not so fast.
I don't know what
you and the Mask are up to,

but it ends here.

Wow. A Technitron 2000
universal remote.

Can I take a whack at it?

- Doyle.
- What?

Don't touch that dial.

Just to show you there's
no hard feelings,

please be my guests.

And now live from beautiful
downtown Edge City,

it's time for everyone to
tune in.

Peggy, hurry up, please!
I'm about to become
the soupdu jour.

Thanks. That was close.

Hey, maybe if I click you
into a live news broadcast,

you'll appear in a real place.

Gee, I don't know, Peggy.

This is Fox Blitzen
reporting live

from the Siberuslav Civil War.

[shivering]
You know what helps

if you put me somewhere
in the right hemisphere,
Peggy.

[laughs] Sorry.
I'll try the local news.

[woman] We're coming
live from downtown,

where a mysterious construction
by a man calling himself
Channel Surfer

has the entire city baffled.

Hey, it's working.

Now to fire up
the satellite downlink.

Peggy, what's going on?

Quit kidding around.

It's not me.
Channel Surfer must have
knocked out the cable.

Unless I can keep you
on the air,

you may be lost
in the airwaves forever.

Everyone in Edge City
will now watch what I
want to watch.

Now this is programming
with an impact.

Come on, Peggy.
You gotta do something quick.

It's no use!

[grunts]

We may have one more chance.

Here, Milo, take this
downtown to Stanley.

Fast. Good dog.

[laughs] Brace yourselves,
fluff lovers.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

It's time for all of us
to watch the Pointy Peaks
season finale.

[singing]

[screaming]

Almost there, Stanley.

Milo, good boy.
Give me the Mask, buddy.

Come on, Milo.
Give me the Mask.

I'm back live
and in living color.

And this clown
has got to go.

Eenie meanie minie,
Larry, Curly, Moe!

This concludes our programming
for this day.

d O say, can you see? d

You again.

If there's one thing I hate,
it's reruns.

Sorry, can't see you.
Sun's a killer today, huh?

[screams]

If you want me,
you poor excuse
for a test pattern,

you're going to have to come
and get me.

Gotcha! Why so glum,
you little soldier?

Put on a happy face.

Smokin'!

Can John Stamos do this?

Too bad, Mask, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to disconnect
your service.

Whoops.

Hmm...

Some errands should not
be saved for a rainy day.

Say, you're running up
a heck of a bill here.

Have you considered gas?
I have. [belches]

My my my. How do
you like the show so far?

Can I get you something?
A soda? Pretzels? A personality?

Take your coat, your hat,
your clothes?

Gotta go, bye-bye.

Come on out and face me,
you big surge protector.

What are you,
a chicken?

If you say so...

Ooh, nice pecs.
Do you work out?

[roars]

That's right, bro.
We're gonna fix you
up proper, chicken.

I guarantee.

There you all are.
Black-eyed chicken.

Mmmm-mmmm!

I'm not off the air yet.

I still have my secret weapon.

Good Lord,
not the octopus!

Didn't you ever see
that safety film strip
in grade school, young fella?

If Edge City won't watch
what I watch.

then no one watches anything.

When I connect this last plug,
the entire city will erupt

like a dried out Christmas tree.

So do you have any last wishes?

Wishes?

Yes, I do have a last wish.

I wish that you would get

a really annoying tickly itch
in the middle of your back,

between your shoulder blades
where you can't quite reach it.

No, wait, that's not it.
Not that wish.

Too late.

Oh, curse this
blasted itch!

Now prepare to go where
no man has gone before.

Please not in his underwear
and slippers with a TV
for a head.

I will return

same time, same channel.

[laughs]

Can I wish 'em or what?

I knew you were hip deep
in this television nonsense.

Me? Television?

Why, Lieutenant,
the only thing

I've been doing tonight
are your selected shorts.

Besides, I've sworn off TV
for good.

No more, never, finished, done.
Absolutely zippo, nada.

Oh, my gosh, it's time
for Sea Turtle Wrestling Mania.

Come on, one of these
things has gotta work.

I don't wanna miss one second.

Ooh, I love television!

Yoo-hoo, Mr. Mask.

This is why I love

summer repeats.

[theme music playing]