The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 5 - Malled - full transcript
[yelling]
d I got ya with
my winning smile d
d I'm a living lesson
in flair and style d
d You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire d
d I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco d
d Rococo, Barroco d
d Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop d
Somebody stop me!
d Pretty viridian
faces like mine d
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
d Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! d
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
d Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells d
d Had better learn to
decorate prison cells d
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
d Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about d
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
d This is the Mask! dd
Smokin'!
[men arguing]
d La-la-la-la-la-la-la d
[laughing]
Speaking of dough,
time to rise and shine!
With Chef Mask's
fast-rising yeast!
- Ooh!
- [both] Ooh!
Now that's what I call
"fluffy buns."
[laughs]
Oh, honey, I'm home!
Fear not, my petites,
you are now safe with me.
Liberated from those oppressive,
snooty bakers.
[knocking]
[Mrs. Peenman] Ipkiss!
I want a word with you!
[gasps] Sacre bleu!
We have been discovered!
We should hide!
We should run!
We should...
Let Stanley deal with this.
[grunting]
Huh?
Not again!
Ugh, only a pig'll be able
to eat all this.
[belches]
[Stanley sighs]
[Mrs. Peenman] Ipkiss! Open
up! I know you're in there!
[mumbling indistinctly]
Hello, Mrs. Peenman.
Ipkiss, we have strict rules
against harboring illegal
immigrants here.
Illegal immigrants?
Don't you play dumb with me!
I heard French being
spoken in there.
French? Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
That was the TV!
You see, there's a Marcel
Marseau movie marathon on and,
[chuckles] sue me, I had the
volume up too loud.
[chuckles]
Then what about all these
French pastries!
[stammering] I'm having a bake
sale. Yeah, see?
Here, have a pie.
[yells]
Ugh!
That's it! I'm calling
the immigration cops!
Whew! That should do it.
As we go downtown,
where Mayor Tilton
is ready to cut the ribbon
at the opening of
Edge City's new mega mall.
Yes, the new mega mall
has it all!
It has 15 ice rinks,
167 theaters,
21 opera houses and 1,230...
Boy, Milo, I tell you,
buddy,
I would hate to be
at that mall today.
I mean fighting that sweaty,
shoving opening-day crowd. Ugh!
Not this boy.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Stanley, my man.
Charlie here.
Listen, buddy, I need you
to run downtown.
Our new branch over at the
mega mall
is having trouble opening
its vault.
But... you're the bank manager.
I mean, that's your job.
Right, right, and
normally I'd do it,
but, well, I've got a big date
tonight, and, well...
I'm getting my back waxed.
- [tearing]
- [screams]
[crowd chattering]
[man] I can't
wait to shop.
Oh, yeah, this place
is something, all right.
Ooh.
[man] I can't wait to shop.
[chattering]
How am I gonna find the bank?
[announcer]
Attention, shoppers.
Shoelace City is now
having a two-for-one sale.
[yelling]
[grunts]
You, my friend, are way
out of shape.
Time to get you into
one of these babies.
Our new combination treadmill,
muscle massager
and cappuccino maker.
But look, I really
don't have the...
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Now let's lube those tired, achy
muscles with a little massage.
Hey, ow! Ow! It doesn't
bend that way!
Wow, the cappuccino's ready.
[breathing heavily] Thanks.
I could really...
Uh, uh, uh.
This is for me.
You're in no shape to drink
cappuccino, dude.
[beeping]
Hey! Sorry, but you
can't park here!
This is a loading zone!
[engines revving]
[yelling]
[panting]
OK, I'm here to open the...
- We want our money!
- [shouting]
Well, well, look at all
the happy shoppers.
Clear out the place, mates!
I'd do it myself,
but my trick knee's
acting up again.
OK, let's see.
Left 36, right 27...
no 28.
Carry the four, add two...
[whooping]
[screaming]
Turn both handles
counterclockwise
and press the keypad
with your elbow
while holding down
the pound key and...
Voila! It's...
...not opening.
You stupid vault!
[chattering]
Play your cards right
and nobody gets hurt.
Huh?
[beeping]
OK, boss,
we're in and everything
is going according to plan.
Excellent, Pete,
I'm on my way.
Eh, eh, eh.
Naughty, naughty.
We don't want to alarm nobody,
now do we, mate?
[laughs]
The watches, too!
And don't forget any spare
change you might have.
Come on, I gotta stall these
guys until the police get here.
Say, fellas! Hi!
Have you guys heard about
our Christmas club?
It is never too early to start
saving, you know.
Here, now,
what's all this about?
They wants us to join the
Christmas club.
Oh, he does, does he?
[laughs]
[all laughing]
I don't think so!
[gulps]
You'll get a free toaster
if you do.
[laughing]
Blimey! Sign me up!
Fill out six of these,
this one in triplicate,
I'll need a co-signer
on this one,
and two forms of ID plus...
copies.
Nice try, little man.
Distract my men again,
and I'll rip out your spleen.
Into the vault, you imbeciles.
[chattering]
You'll never get away
with this, you know.
Let me tell you something,
buster,
this mall has the tightest
security in town.
Oh, yeah, security's
tight all right.
Tied up real tight.
[guard grunting]
[alarm beeping]
Boss, the whole place
has been shut down.
Nobody's getting
in or out!
So, you were saying
about security?
Well, since no one's
getting in or out,
that makes you all my hostages.
And if my demands aren't met,
the hostages get wasted.
[gulps]
You know, a hostage is a
terrible thing to waste.
Move them out into the atrium
where it's nice and cozy.
I've got special plans for you.
[siren wailing]
The whole place is locked up
tight as a drum.
We got a situation here,
Doyle.
So how come we're the only ones
here, lieutenant?
All of the units are
on a city-wide manhunt
for whoever ransacked the
Bastille Bakery this morning.
Boy, I sure hope they catch
that guy.
That's the department's favorite
doughnut shop.
I tell you, Doyle, there's a lot
of sick puppies in this town.
Now? Am I on? OK.
People of Edge City,
I and several others
are being held hostage
in the new mega mall.
[whines]
Our captors demand that a
helicopter be delivered
on the roof within the hour
so they can make their getaway.
If these demands aren't met,
they're going to start...
w-w-wasting the hostages.
Ipkiss, I shoulda known this
was an inside job.
So at a time like this,
there is no reason
to mask our fears, hmm?
Oh.
I hope we can bring this
mask-querade to an end soon.
[growling]
[panting]
With this money, I'll be able to
finance our next big crime.
Here's your share, boys.
Spend it well.
Now I can get my
moped repainted!
Oh, I'm getting myself a lovely
spiked helmet!
I'm going to get a new tattoo.
Yeah, I'm gonna open up me a
Victorian bed and breakfast
in the country, I am.
And plant me some wild flowers
along the road,
and take the used petals and
make potpourri and...
Eh, why is everyone
looking at me?
[shouting]
[whining]
[panting]
[whines]
[growling]
[growls]
[groaning]
Come on, I gotta be able to get
the police on this stuff.
Uh, hello?
Can anybody hear me?
Hmm, June? May!
Mayday! Mayday!
[static]
Help, police!
Uh, 10-4, good buddy!
Is anybody there?
Ipkiss, what are you up to?
Kellaway, listen, listen...
Lonnie the Shark has just taken
over the mall.
You don't fool me, Ipkiss.
I saw that statement
you read on TV.
You're in cahoots
with the crooks.
No! They made me read that.
The hostages are being held
in the atrium, OK?
Lonnie the Shark and his
thugs are responsible.
Get him now!
They're big and they're ugly,
and they smell bad, kinda like
stinky old sweatsocks
filled with day-old salami.
It is the worst smell...
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, you know,
sweatsocks and salami
are two of the most beloved
smells in the world.
You know, honest.
Uh, you know, I already had my
workout today,
so it's not really a thing...
Come, come, you really
must learn to push
yourself harder, my boy.
[laughing]
[panting] Milo,
where are you?
[growling]
Oh!
[panting]
[panting heavily]
[laughing]
[chattering]
Oh!
OK, you lowlifes,
we're agreeing to your demands.
The chopper will be on
the roof in 20 minutes.
Excellent, lieutenant.
Excellent.
They're gonna get their
chopper all right,
but we'll be on the rooftop to
bust them when they do.
Ugh, I'm feeling kinda nauseous,
lieutenant.
[belches] I think I may have
had too many doughnuts.
[stammers, yells]
- [grunts]
- Ow!
You see that green face,
Doyle?
First Ipkiss, now the Mask.
They're both in on it.
Gee, lieutenant,
I don't remember the Mask
having a tail.
[belches]
You don't have a barf bag
on you, do you?
[retches]
Doyle!
[panting]
Milo! Oh, good boy!
Oh, this could be bad.
Oh, come on, boy. Here, Milo!
Now, aren't you the mangiest
mutts I've ever seen.
[laughs]
[growling]
[barking]
You smelly little fleabags!
[laughs]
Ow! Keep away from me,
you scary dog.
[yells]
Blimey!
[grunt]
[stammering] There's a
monster dog after me.
[panting]
You're in for some
severe discipline
when this caper is over, Pete.
Give Poppa some ointment,
'cause he can really
feel the burn today!
Gets that bloke!
He'll ruin everything!
I'd do it myself, but this
bloomin' psoriasis
has chapped me hand
something awful.
Guten Tag,lovely day
for a skate, ya!
[yells, grunts]
Young fella, you need
to be taught a lesson.
But first!
Martian Kung-fu Kickboxer
Part Two?
You know, part one was like my
favorite flick of all time.
Donnie!
There's this green-faced
bloke out to get me.
Just like that monster dog
you saw earlier?
Now, gather the men,
our chopper has landed.
Hurry it up, Doyle!
[grunting]
[screaming]
What's all that racket!
It's not nice to
mess with Mr. Mask's
movie-going experience.
- [bell dings]
- Going down?
Going down?
[all yelling]
Ground floor: Laundry World,
Hall of Cheese,
and the International House
of Velcro.
Speaking of which...
[yelling]
[grunt]
[laughing] Why don't you boys
hang out a little, huh?
I'll be back in a jiff.
[crying]
I just love a happy ending.
I wish my buddies were here.
Hey, they were supposed
to stick around.
[engine revving]
Ram him good, maties!
Thanks for the lift.
Drop me off at the big-screen
TV store, will ya?
[tires screech]
[Pete] OK, tough guy!
Now you're gonna get
electri-fried.
[crackling]
[dogs barking]
Hey, hey! Get back,
you rotten mongrels!
[screams]
Make guacamole out of
that green-faced punk.
All right, Biff,
Muffy and Brad,
hot tub time!
What you fellas need
is a helping of...
Grandpa Mask's Instant
Ice Flakes.
Cold and icy makes
it twice as nicey.
[shivering]
[Kellaway] All right,
freeze!
Um, I think they're already
froze, lieutenant.
[dispatcher] Attention,
all units!
Hey, guess what?
Our guys are closing in on the
bakery thief from this morning.
Uh-oh, better go hide
the evidence.
I may have caught
Loni the Shark,
but the real mastermind,
the Mask, got away.
Not to mention that wimp...
Stanley Ipkiss!
I tell ya, he's
harboring illegal
Frenchmen in his apartment,
and I want him busted!
Hold on a minute.
A croissant? Well,
who lives here anyway?
I do, but Ipkiss lives over...
[screams]
So you're the one that burgled
the Bastille Bakery.
No, I tell you, it's Ipkiss!
Will you just wait a second?
Read my lips!
Don't you...
Don't you touch me!
[French accent] Somebody
stop me!
No?
d I got ya with
my winning smile d
d I'm a living lesson
in flair and style d
d You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire d
d I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco d
d Rococo, Barroco d
d Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop d
Somebody stop me!
d Pretty viridian
faces like mine d
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
d Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! d
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
d Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells d
d Had better learn to
decorate prison cells d
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
d Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about d
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
d This is the Mask! dd
Smokin'!
[men arguing]
d La-la-la-la-la-la-la d
[laughing]
Speaking of dough,
time to rise and shine!
With Chef Mask's
fast-rising yeast!
- Ooh!
- [both] Ooh!
Now that's what I call
"fluffy buns."
[laughs]
Oh, honey, I'm home!
Fear not, my petites,
you are now safe with me.
Liberated from those oppressive,
snooty bakers.
[knocking]
[Mrs. Peenman] Ipkiss!
I want a word with you!
[gasps] Sacre bleu!
We have been discovered!
We should hide!
We should run!
We should...
Let Stanley deal with this.
[grunting]
Huh?
Not again!
Ugh, only a pig'll be able
to eat all this.
[belches]
[Stanley sighs]
[Mrs. Peenman] Ipkiss! Open
up! I know you're in there!
[mumbling indistinctly]
Hello, Mrs. Peenman.
Ipkiss, we have strict rules
against harboring illegal
immigrants here.
Illegal immigrants?
Don't you play dumb with me!
I heard French being
spoken in there.
French? Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
That was the TV!
You see, there's a Marcel
Marseau movie marathon on and,
[chuckles] sue me, I had the
volume up too loud.
[chuckles]
Then what about all these
French pastries!
[stammering] I'm having a bake
sale. Yeah, see?
Here, have a pie.
[yells]
Ugh!
That's it! I'm calling
the immigration cops!
Whew! That should do it.
As we go downtown,
where Mayor Tilton
is ready to cut the ribbon
at the opening of
Edge City's new mega mall.
Yes, the new mega mall
has it all!
It has 15 ice rinks,
167 theaters,
21 opera houses and 1,230...
Boy, Milo, I tell you,
buddy,
I would hate to be
at that mall today.
I mean fighting that sweaty,
shoving opening-day crowd. Ugh!
Not this boy.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Stanley, my man.
Charlie here.
Listen, buddy, I need you
to run downtown.
Our new branch over at the
mega mall
is having trouble opening
its vault.
But... you're the bank manager.
I mean, that's your job.
Right, right, and
normally I'd do it,
but, well, I've got a big date
tonight, and, well...
I'm getting my back waxed.
- [tearing]
- [screams]
[crowd chattering]
[man] I can't
wait to shop.
Oh, yeah, this place
is something, all right.
Ooh.
[man] I can't wait to shop.
[chattering]
How am I gonna find the bank?
[announcer]
Attention, shoppers.
Shoelace City is now
having a two-for-one sale.
[yelling]
[grunts]
You, my friend, are way
out of shape.
Time to get you into
one of these babies.
Our new combination treadmill,
muscle massager
and cappuccino maker.
But look, I really
don't have the...
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Now let's lube those tired, achy
muscles with a little massage.
Hey, ow! Ow! It doesn't
bend that way!
Wow, the cappuccino's ready.
[breathing heavily] Thanks.
I could really...
Uh, uh, uh.
This is for me.
You're in no shape to drink
cappuccino, dude.
[beeping]
Hey! Sorry, but you
can't park here!
This is a loading zone!
[engines revving]
[yelling]
[panting]
OK, I'm here to open the...
- We want our money!
- [shouting]
Well, well, look at all
the happy shoppers.
Clear out the place, mates!
I'd do it myself,
but my trick knee's
acting up again.
OK, let's see.
Left 36, right 27...
no 28.
Carry the four, add two...
[whooping]
[screaming]
Turn both handles
counterclockwise
and press the keypad
with your elbow
while holding down
the pound key and...
Voila! It's...
...not opening.
You stupid vault!
[chattering]
Play your cards right
and nobody gets hurt.
Huh?
[beeping]
OK, boss,
we're in and everything
is going according to plan.
Excellent, Pete,
I'm on my way.
Eh, eh, eh.
Naughty, naughty.
We don't want to alarm nobody,
now do we, mate?
[laughs]
The watches, too!
And don't forget any spare
change you might have.
Come on, I gotta stall these
guys until the police get here.
Say, fellas! Hi!
Have you guys heard about
our Christmas club?
It is never too early to start
saving, you know.
Here, now,
what's all this about?
They wants us to join the
Christmas club.
Oh, he does, does he?
[laughs]
[all laughing]
I don't think so!
[gulps]
You'll get a free toaster
if you do.
[laughing]
Blimey! Sign me up!
Fill out six of these,
this one in triplicate,
I'll need a co-signer
on this one,
and two forms of ID plus...
copies.
Nice try, little man.
Distract my men again,
and I'll rip out your spleen.
Into the vault, you imbeciles.
[chattering]
You'll never get away
with this, you know.
Let me tell you something,
buster,
this mall has the tightest
security in town.
Oh, yeah, security's
tight all right.
Tied up real tight.
[guard grunting]
[alarm beeping]
Boss, the whole place
has been shut down.
Nobody's getting
in or out!
So, you were saying
about security?
Well, since no one's
getting in or out,
that makes you all my hostages.
And if my demands aren't met,
the hostages get wasted.
[gulps]
You know, a hostage is a
terrible thing to waste.
Move them out into the atrium
where it's nice and cozy.
I've got special plans for you.
[siren wailing]
The whole place is locked up
tight as a drum.
We got a situation here,
Doyle.
So how come we're the only ones
here, lieutenant?
All of the units are
on a city-wide manhunt
for whoever ransacked the
Bastille Bakery this morning.
Boy, I sure hope they catch
that guy.
That's the department's favorite
doughnut shop.
I tell you, Doyle, there's a lot
of sick puppies in this town.
Now? Am I on? OK.
People of Edge City,
I and several others
are being held hostage
in the new mega mall.
[whines]
Our captors demand that a
helicopter be delivered
on the roof within the hour
so they can make their getaway.
If these demands aren't met,
they're going to start...
w-w-wasting the hostages.
Ipkiss, I shoulda known this
was an inside job.
So at a time like this,
there is no reason
to mask our fears, hmm?
Oh.
I hope we can bring this
mask-querade to an end soon.
[growling]
[panting]
With this money, I'll be able to
finance our next big crime.
Here's your share, boys.
Spend it well.
Now I can get my
moped repainted!
Oh, I'm getting myself a lovely
spiked helmet!
I'm going to get a new tattoo.
Yeah, I'm gonna open up me a
Victorian bed and breakfast
in the country, I am.
And plant me some wild flowers
along the road,
and take the used petals and
make potpourri and...
Eh, why is everyone
looking at me?
[shouting]
[whining]
[panting]
[whines]
[growling]
[growls]
[groaning]
Come on, I gotta be able to get
the police on this stuff.
Uh, hello?
Can anybody hear me?
Hmm, June? May!
Mayday! Mayday!
[static]
Help, police!
Uh, 10-4, good buddy!
Is anybody there?
Ipkiss, what are you up to?
Kellaway, listen, listen...
Lonnie the Shark has just taken
over the mall.
You don't fool me, Ipkiss.
I saw that statement
you read on TV.
You're in cahoots
with the crooks.
No! They made me read that.
The hostages are being held
in the atrium, OK?
Lonnie the Shark and his
thugs are responsible.
Get him now!
They're big and they're ugly,
and they smell bad, kinda like
stinky old sweatsocks
filled with day-old salami.
It is the worst smell...
[chuckles nervously]
Uh, you know,
sweatsocks and salami
are two of the most beloved
smells in the world.
You know, honest.
Uh, you know, I already had my
workout today,
so it's not really a thing...
Come, come, you really
must learn to push
yourself harder, my boy.
[laughing]
[panting] Milo,
where are you?
[growling]
Oh!
[panting]
[panting heavily]
[laughing]
[chattering]
Oh!
OK, you lowlifes,
we're agreeing to your demands.
The chopper will be on
the roof in 20 minutes.
Excellent, lieutenant.
Excellent.
They're gonna get their
chopper all right,
but we'll be on the rooftop to
bust them when they do.
Ugh, I'm feeling kinda nauseous,
lieutenant.
[belches] I think I may have
had too many doughnuts.
[stammers, yells]
- [grunts]
- Ow!
You see that green face,
Doyle?
First Ipkiss, now the Mask.
They're both in on it.
Gee, lieutenant,
I don't remember the Mask
having a tail.
[belches]
You don't have a barf bag
on you, do you?
[retches]
Doyle!
[panting]
Milo! Oh, good boy!
Oh, this could be bad.
Oh, come on, boy. Here, Milo!
Now, aren't you the mangiest
mutts I've ever seen.
[laughs]
[growling]
[barking]
You smelly little fleabags!
[laughs]
Ow! Keep away from me,
you scary dog.
[yells]
Blimey!
[grunt]
[stammering] There's a
monster dog after me.
[panting]
You're in for some
severe discipline
when this caper is over, Pete.
Give Poppa some ointment,
'cause he can really
feel the burn today!
Gets that bloke!
He'll ruin everything!
I'd do it myself, but this
bloomin' psoriasis
has chapped me hand
something awful.
Guten Tag,lovely day
for a skate, ya!
[yells, grunts]
Young fella, you need
to be taught a lesson.
But first!
Martian Kung-fu Kickboxer
Part Two?
You know, part one was like my
favorite flick of all time.
Donnie!
There's this green-faced
bloke out to get me.
Just like that monster dog
you saw earlier?
Now, gather the men,
our chopper has landed.
Hurry it up, Doyle!
[grunting]
[screaming]
What's all that racket!
It's not nice to
mess with Mr. Mask's
movie-going experience.
- [bell dings]
- Going down?
Going down?
[all yelling]
Ground floor: Laundry World,
Hall of Cheese,
and the International House
of Velcro.
Speaking of which...
[yelling]
[grunt]
[laughing] Why don't you boys
hang out a little, huh?
I'll be back in a jiff.
[crying]
I just love a happy ending.
I wish my buddies were here.
Hey, they were supposed
to stick around.
[engine revving]
Ram him good, maties!
Thanks for the lift.
Drop me off at the big-screen
TV store, will ya?
[tires screech]
[Pete] OK, tough guy!
Now you're gonna get
electri-fried.
[crackling]
[dogs barking]
Hey, hey! Get back,
you rotten mongrels!
[screams]
Make guacamole out of
that green-faced punk.
All right, Biff,
Muffy and Brad,
hot tub time!
What you fellas need
is a helping of...
Grandpa Mask's Instant
Ice Flakes.
Cold and icy makes
it twice as nicey.
[shivering]
[Kellaway] All right,
freeze!
Um, I think they're already
froze, lieutenant.
[dispatcher] Attention,
all units!
Hey, guess what?
Our guys are closing in on the
bakery thief from this morning.
Uh-oh, better go hide
the evidence.
I may have caught
Loni the Shark,
but the real mastermind,
the Mask, got away.
Not to mention that wimp...
Stanley Ipkiss!
I tell ya, he's
harboring illegal
Frenchmen in his apartment,
and I want him busted!
Hold on a minute.
A croissant? Well,
who lives here anyway?
I do, but Ipkiss lives over...
[screams]
So you're the one that burgled
the Bastille Bakery.
No, I tell you, it's Ipkiss!
Will you just wait a second?
Read my lips!
Don't you...
Don't you touch me!
[French accent] Somebody
stop me!
No?