The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 3 - Flight as a Feather - full transcript
d
d I GOTCHA WITH
MY WINNING SMILE d
d I'M A LIVING LESSON
IN FLAIR AND STYLE d
d YOU JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT STARE AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE d
d I'M NOUVEAU, DECO,
ROMAN-GRECO, d
d ROCOCO, BARROCO, d
d BE-BOP, HIP-HOP,
FLIP-FLOP d
d SOMEBODY STOP ME d
d PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES
LIKE MINE d
d DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN d
d I STAND OUT OF THE CROWD d
d BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME,
YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD d
d WHOLESOME AND KIND,
STAID AND REFINED, d
d TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND d
d ARCH-VILLAINS
AND NE'ER-DO-WELLS d
d HAD BETTER LEARN
TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS d
d GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING
IF THEY ASK, SEE d
d WELL THERE'S ONE LAST THING
I GOTTA SING ABOUT d
d OPEN UP WIDE
AND REALLY SHOUT d
d OHHHH ... LOOK OUT d
d THIS IS THE MASK d
d SSSSMOKIN' dd
d
SWEDISH KARAOKE NIGHT
AT THE COCOA BONGO.
FIRST, I WIN THE PRIZE TONIGHT,
THEN EAT A CHIMICHANGO.
CAN THIS BOY SING, OR WHAT?
PIPE DOWN IN THERE, IPKISS!
YOU'RE MAKING
MY AFRICAN VIOLETS DROOP!
THAT'S NOT ALL THAT'S DROOPING
ON THE OLD BAG.
MM-MM-MM, I TELL YA, POOCH.
EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC.
BUT APPEARANCE-WISE,
THIS BOY DEFINITELY GETS
TWO THUMBS UP!
ONLY ONE THING MISSING
TO COMPLETE THE ENSEMBLE:
MY LUCKY FEATHER.
YEAH, SHE CAME INTO MY LIFE,
ONE VERY SPECIAL EVENING.
BROUGHT ME LUCK EVER SINCE.
AND TONIGHT WILL BE
NO EXCEPTION!
AND THE WINNER
OF OUR SWEDISH KARAOKE CONTEST:
OOH, THE MASK!
STUCK A FEATHER IN HIS CAP
AND CALLED IT: SMOKIN'!
THERE NOW...COMFY, ARE WE?
HOW ABOUT SOME RAP MUSIC
TO UNWIND WITH?
HEY!
OH, I GET IT.
RAP'S NOT YOUR BAG,
HUH, GIRLFRIEND?
WELL, MAYBE SOME
EASY LISTENING, THEN.
THAT'S RIGHT:
IT'S THE MASK'S GREATEST HITS.
ALL MASK, ALL THE TIME.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
OH, MRS. P, OH, MRS. P,
HOW UGLY ARE YOUR CURLERS.
BETTER USE THESE.
WOULDN'T WANT TO
DISTURB THE NEIGHBORS.
AARGH!
ENJOY, MILADY.
AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY.
TIME CHECK?
AT THE TONE,
THE TIME WILL BE...
AH, GOOD.
PLENTY OF TIME!
NOW, ON TO THE COCOA-
HMM, SOMETHING'S
NOT RIGHT HERE.
SHOES SHINY, SUIT ZOOTY, HAT
JAUNTY, FEATHER...GONEY!
MY LUCKY FEATHER!
WORRY NOT, OH FEATHER.
I SHALL RETURN YOU
TO YOUR TETHER!
NOW I'VE HEARD OF CRUST
THAT'S LIGHT AS A FEATHER,
BUT OOH-HOO, THIS HERE IS
"PLUME" RIDICULOUS!
LUCKILY,
I'M KEEPING AN EYE OUT
FOR THAT LITTLE OL' FEATHER
OF MINE.
WHATEVER YOU'RE BAKING,
I'M TAKING!
HEY, HEY, HEY, BUDDY,
I WAS HERE FIRST.
OH, SURE, NO PROBLEM...SORRY.
SAY, EVER SEEN ANYBODY DO THIS?
I THINK I JUST LOST MY APPETITE.
COMPLIMENTARY BARF BAG?
AND NOW, TO RETRIEVE
MY PRECIOUS LITTLE...
COME BACK HERE, YOU!
HELLO, POLICE?
I WANNA REPORT
A PIZZA-NAPPING.
WELL, IT WAS GREEN.
GREEN, HUH?
SAY NO MORE.
SO YOU'RE FILING
AN "INTENT TO KILL
WITH REALLY BAD MUSIC"
COMPLAINT?
IT'S A NEW ONE ON ME,
BUT OKAY.
YOU CAN'T MISS HIM.
HE'S GREEN.
DOYLE, I'VE HAD IT WITH
THAT GREEN FREAK GOING AROUND
DISRUPTING THE LIVES
OF HONEST CITIZENS.
-UH, LIEUTENANT?
-TONIGHT, I'M TAKING HIM DOWN.
I FEEL LUCKY.
WELL, IF YOU SAY SO,
LIEUTENANT.
d
AS MAYOR OF EGG CITY,
I TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN DECLARING
TOMORROW BAVARIA-VILLE DAY.
WITH MY SIGNATURE,
EGG CITY'S OLDEST DISTRICT
WILL BECOME THE EXCLUSIVE
PRETZEL SUPPLIER
TO ALL EGG CITY FILM FESTIVALS,
POLO TOURNAMENTS,
AND WIENERSCHNITZEL STANDS.
FRITZ...FRITZ...
IT'S THE MAYOR.
HURRY, OR YOU'LL MISS HIM!
WHAT A CUTIE.
OOH, IF I WERE
FIVE YEARS YOUNGER, RUFF!
TODAY, I SPEAK FOR EVERY
EGG CITY CITIZEN WHEN I SAY,
"ICH BEN EIN BAVARIA-VILLE"
PEN...I NEED A PEN.
BUT SIR, AS YOU MAY RECALL,
AFTER YOU HOSTED THAT BIG BASH
FOR THE BEAUTY CONTEST WINNERS,
THERE WASN'T ENOUGH
MONEY LEFT OVER
FOR BASIC OFFICE SUPPLIES.
IX-NAY ON THE ASH-BAY.
WE'VE GOT TV. CAMERAS ROLLING.
NOW GIVE ME
SOMETHING TO WRITE WITH!
YES, SIR.
I'M CHECKING,
BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO...
PERFECT!
IF A QUILL WAS GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE FOUNDING FATHERS,
THEN IT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME.
OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU...YOU'RE TOO KIND.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S JUST A FEATHER.
WELL, IT'S MY LUCKY FEATHER.
BUT REALLY, YOU ARE TOO KIND.
MAYOR OR NOT,
NOBODY JILTS COOKIE VAVOOM
AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
MR. MAYOR, IT'S THAT STRIP...
EXOTIC DANCER YOU WERE DATING.
GET HER OUT OF HERE
BEFORE SHE RUINS
MY WHOLESOME IMAGE!
OUT OF MY WAY, PIPSQUEAK!
BUT MS. VAVOOM, YOU CAN'T JUST-
OH, CAN'T I?
GRRR, DYNO-MITE!
THAT'S RIGHT,
TWO MEGATONS WORTH.
IF I CAN'T HAVE MORTIMER,
THEN NO ONE CAN!
COOKIE,
LET'S BE REASONABLE HERE.
YOU BLEW ME OFF.
NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOU AWAY!
MY REVENGE!
MY WORD!
MY FEATHER!
SHE'S GOT DYNAMITE!
SNAP TO, SMIDLEY!
DISARM HER!
ON MY SALARY?
I DON'T EVEN GET OVERTIME,
YOU CHEAPSKATE!
UGH...MUST I DO EVERYTHING
IN THIS TOWN?
KISS YOUR CONSTITUENCY GOODBYE,
MORTIMER!
UH-UH-UH!
NOW THEN, OUR SPECIAL TODAY
IS THE BIKINI COCKTAIL.
HOW DO YOU FANCY YOURS,
MAYOR?
SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED?
STRAIGHT UP?
I PREFER MINE WITH A TWIST!
FREEZE,
YOU UGLY WASTE OF OXYGEN!
YOU HEARD HIM, SISTER.
AYE...OH, MY!
LADY, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU
FROM TRAFFIC SCHOOL?
A MONSTER!
A MONSTER WITH THE MAYOR.
AND I'LL JUST BET HE'S GREEN.
GET OFF ME, YOU IDIOT.
WE'VE GOT AN ARREST TO MAKE.
PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME!
d
HANG ON,
OH FEATHER OF MINE!
PAPA'S COMING!
GASP!
WHAT A REVOLTING DEVELOPMENT!
d
IT IS TIME.
I, CRISCO, THE WORLD'S GREATEST
PERFORMANCE ARTISTE,
AM ABOUT TO CREATE
MY MOST IMPORTANT WORK!
HERE, HERE.
ABSOLUTELY!
YOU KNOW,
THIS IS MORE THAN ART.
IT'S SMART!
REMEMBER CRISCO'S
LAST INSTALLMENT
AT THE SEWAGE
RECOVERY PLANT?
WHAT A PUNGENT STATEMENT!
UTILIZING THE MEDIUM
OF TAR AND FEATHERS,
I, CRISCO,
CHALLENGE YOU TO GAZE
AT YOUR OWN VACANT SOUL.
STARE AND BLINKING IT UP
INTO THE BIG RED EYE
OF YOUR EMPTY LIVES.
OH, IMAGERY!
FLATTERY!
OVER MIND-NUMBING
INCONSEQUENCEINCONSQUENCE!
AH, TO BE THIS ARTISTIC.
OH, MY!
-AMAZING!
-THAT'S WONDERFUL!
HEY!
THAT'S MY FEATHER
ON YOUR RUMP, CHUMP!
YOUR FEATHER?
MY ART BELONGS TO POSTERITY!
YEAH...WELL, YOUR POSTERIOR
BELONGS TO ME!
PREPARE TO BE UNDONE, SIR!
TAKE THAT, AND ANOTHER,
AND ONE MORE, YET!
OUCH, OUCHIE, OW!
OH, YOU'RE MEAN.
STOP IT WITH THAT, NOT THERE!
LOOK, THAT GREEN CREATURE
IS PLUCKING CRISCO.
JUST AS MONETARY GREED
PLUCKS AT MAN'S SOUL.
WHAT SYMBOLISM,
WHAT GENIUS!
WHAT DID YOU DO
TO MY FEATHER?
YOU GOT IT ALL GUNKED UP.
d
d
SUNDAY DRIVER!
d
COME TO FATHER,
LITTLE FEATHER DUDE!
GOTCHA!
THIS IS LIKE TOTALLY RAD AND
EGREGIOUSLY TUBULAR, I MUST SAY.
UH-OH, SOMETHING GNARLY IS ABOUT
TO TRANSPIRE, MOON DOGGIE.
AH-OOH-GA!
THAR' SHE BLOWS!
SWALLOWED BY TEN TONS
OF BLUBBER,
IN SERIOUS DANGER
OF MISSING MY KARAOKE CONTEST.
WELL, IT DOESN'T GET
ANY WORSE THAN THIS.
MAYBE I SPOKE TOO SOON.
WALTER?
HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE, ANYWAY?
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
EN GARDE!
FEEL THE WRATH OF MY FEATHER!
HMM, NO REACTION.
THE SITUATION GROWS
LESS TICKLISH BY THE MINUTE.
d
AH-CHOO!
d
WOW.
WAH-HOO!
DON'T MIND ME.
I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR
IN A JIFF.
SHOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED
HAIR TO A BALD EAGLE.
HEY, WORM BREATH!
GIVE THAT BACK!
THIS CALLS FOR
EGGS-TREME MEASURES.
d
MAMA!
MWAH!
OH, DON'T YOU WORRY, MA.
I'LL WRITE YOU EVERY DAY.
AND NOW,
MY PRECIOUS FEATHER,
ONWARD TO VICTORY
IN THE KARAOKE CONTEST.
YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO!
YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO,
YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO!
YODEL-AY-HEE-HA!
YODEL-AY, YODEL-AY,
YODEL-AY HEE-HOO!
d
THERE, THERE...
THAT IS THE SAVAGE!
HE RUINED MY PERFORMANCE
WITH HIS PLUCKAGE.
RUINED IT, RUINED IT!
AW, GEE, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU PUT ON
A REAL NICE SHOW.
LISTEN, PAL.
THERE'S NO WAY WHAT YOU DO COULD
BE CALLED A PERFORMANCE.
MR. TONY BENNETT:
NOW THAT'S A PERFORMER!
ALL UNITS, COME IN ALL UNITS.
PLEASE BE ADVISED
OF AN AVALANCHE IN PROGRESS
OFF MOUNT SUMMERY CLIFF.
AVALANCHE?
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE
WITH THOSE PRETZEL-TWISTERS
OVER IN BAVARIA-VILLE.
WITNESSES HAVE REPORTED
SOMETHING GREEN
AT THE CORE OF THE AVALANCHE.
PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
GREEN, HUH?
COME ON, DOYLE, LET'S MOVE!
YOU MIGHT WANNA STOP
BACK AT THE PRECINCT FIRST,
LIEUTENANT.
YEAH, GUESS THAT TAR'S PRETTY
STICKY STUFF, HUH?
WHAT?
d
BRRR.
SOMEBODY THAW ME!
AAH, YOU!
THE MONSTER.
THE MONSTER FROM THE TELEVISION!
LOOK WHAT YOU DID
TO MEIN HOUSE!
STOP THE MONSTER,
STOP THE MONSTER!
GET HIM, GET HIM!
WELL, SO NICE OF YOU
TO SEND OUT THE WELCOME WAGON.
BUT, UH...
AAH!
THERE'S NEVER
AN ABANDONED WINDMILL AROUND
WHEN YOU NEED ONE!
WELL, ALMOST NEVER.
IT'S FUSS, THE MONSTER.
HE'S A MONSTER, ALL RIGHT...
A MONSTROUS PAIN IN MY GUT.
COME ON, DOYLE.
COME ON!
THEY'VE GOT HIM CORNERED
IN THE OLD WINDMILL.
WHO IS IT?
ANGRY, SEETHING MOB!
TELL HIM THIS:
I GAVE AT THE OFFICE.
BOY, ARE YOU PEOPLE PUSHY!
GOTTA DO SOMETHING QUICK...
THINK.
THINK, THINK, THINK,
THINK, THINK.
I'VE GOT IT!
'TIS BUT ONE WAY TO HANDLE
AN UNRULY MOB SUCH AS THIS:
WITH SNACKAGES!
GOOD CITIZENS
OF BAVARIA-VILLE,
AND ASSORTED OTHERS,
LEND ME YOUR EARS.
I ASKED FOR THAT, DIDN'T I?
THERE IS MUCH RAGE
IN YOUR HEARTS.
THERE IS MUCH BILE
IN YOUR LIVER.
BUT NOW, LET THERE BE
S'MORES IN YOUR STOMACHS!
HEY, HEY, HI THERE.
YOU MIND IF I PLAY THROUGH?
ALL RIGHT, MASK, IT'S OVER.
YOU'RE COMING DOWNTOWN.
SHH...QUIET ON THE GREEN.
HE'S RIGHT, LIEUTENANT.
THEY GOT RULES, YOU KNOW?
DOYLE!
FORE!
YOU KNOW,
I GOTTA WORK ON THAT SLICE.
I HAD HIM, DOYLE.
HE WAS THIS CLOSE,
AND HE SLIPPED AWAY.
YEAH, I REALLY WANTED
TO GET THIS RECIPE.
AND THE WINNER
OF TONIGHT'S KARAOKE CONTEST IS,
HMM, LET ME SEE HERE...
WITHOUT MY GLASSES
THIS IS DIFFICULT.
AAH, AAH!
I'M ALLERGIC.
THE WINNER!
LIKE I SAID, LUCKY!
d
d I GOTCHA WITH
MY WINNING SMILE d
d I'M A LIVING LESSON
IN FLAIR AND STYLE d
d YOU JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT STARE AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE d
d I'M NOUVEAU, DECO,
ROMAN-GRECO, d
d ROCOCO, BARROCO, d
d BE-BOP, HIP-HOP,
FLIP-FLOP d
d SOMEBODY STOP ME d
d PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES
LIKE MINE d
d DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN d
d I STAND OUT OF THE CROWD d
d BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME,
YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD d
d WHOLESOME AND KIND,
STAID AND REFINED, d
d TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND d
d ARCH-VILLAINS
AND NE'ER-DO-WELLS d
d HAD BETTER LEARN
TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS d
d GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING
IF THEY ASK, SEE d
d WELL THERE'S ONE LAST THING
I GOTTA SING ABOUT d
d OPEN UP WIDE
AND REALLY SHOUT d
d OHHHH ... LOOK OUT d
d THIS IS THE MASK d
d SSSSMOKIN' dd
d
SWEDISH KARAOKE NIGHT
AT THE COCOA BONGO.
FIRST, I WIN THE PRIZE TONIGHT,
THEN EAT A CHIMICHANGO.
CAN THIS BOY SING, OR WHAT?
PIPE DOWN IN THERE, IPKISS!
YOU'RE MAKING
MY AFRICAN VIOLETS DROOP!
THAT'S NOT ALL THAT'S DROOPING
ON THE OLD BAG.
MM-MM-MM, I TELL YA, POOCH.
EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC.
BUT APPEARANCE-WISE,
THIS BOY DEFINITELY GETS
TWO THUMBS UP!
ONLY ONE THING MISSING
TO COMPLETE THE ENSEMBLE:
MY LUCKY FEATHER.
YEAH, SHE CAME INTO MY LIFE,
ONE VERY SPECIAL EVENING.
BROUGHT ME LUCK EVER SINCE.
AND TONIGHT WILL BE
NO EXCEPTION!
AND THE WINNER
OF OUR SWEDISH KARAOKE CONTEST:
OOH, THE MASK!
STUCK A FEATHER IN HIS CAP
AND CALLED IT: SMOKIN'!
THERE NOW...COMFY, ARE WE?
HOW ABOUT SOME RAP MUSIC
TO UNWIND WITH?
HEY!
OH, I GET IT.
RAP'S NOT YOUR BAG,
HUH, GIRLFRIEND?
WELL, MAYBE SOME
EASY LISTENING, THEN.
THAT'S RIGHT:
IT'S THE MASK'S GREATEST HITS.
ALL MASK, ALL THE TIME.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!
OH, MRS. P, OH, MRS. P,
HOW UGLY ARE YOUR CURLERS.
BETTER USE THESE.
WOULDN'T WANT TO
DISTURB THE NEIGHBORS.
AARGH!
ENJOY, MILADY.
AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY.
TIME CHECK?
AT THE TONE,
THE TIME WILL BE...
AH, GOOD.
PLENTY OF TIME!
NOW, ON TO THE COCOA-
HMM, SOMETHING'S
NOT RIGHT HERE.
SHOES SHINY, SUIT ZOOTY, HAT
JAUNTY, FEATHER...GONEY!
MY LUCKY FEATHER!
WORRY NOT, OH FEATHER.
I SHALL RETURN YOU
TO YOUR TETHER!
NOW I'VE HEARD OF CRUST
THAT'S LIGHT AS A FEATHER,
BUT OOH-HOO, THIS HERE IS
"PLUME" RIDICULOUS!
LUCKILY,
I'M KEEPING AN EYE OUT
FOR THAT LITTLE OL' FEATHER
OF MINE.
WHATEVER YOU'RE BAKING,
I'M TAKING!
HEY, HEY, HEY, BUDDY,
I WAS HERE FIRST.
OH, SURE, NO PROBLEM...SORRY.
SAY, EVER SEEN ANYBODY DO THIS?
I THINK I JUST LOST MY APPETITE.
COMPLIMENTARY BARF BAG?
AND NOW, TO RETRIEVE
MY PRECIOUS LITTLE...
COME BACK HERE, YOU!
HELLO, POLICE?
I WANNA REPORT
A PIZZA-NAPPING.
WELL, IT WAS GREEN.
GREEN, HUH?
SAY NO MORE.
SO YOU'RE FILING
AN "INTENT TO KILL
WITH REALLY BAD MUSIC"
COMPLAINT?
IT'S A NEW ONE ON ME,
BUT OKAY.
YOU CAN'T MISS HIM.
HE'S GREEN.
DOYLE, I'VE HAD IT WITH
THAT GREEN FREAK GOING AROUND
DISRUPTING THE LIVES
OF HONEST CITIZENS.
-UH, LIEUTENANT?
-TONIGHT, I'M TAKING HIM DOWN.
I FEEL LUCKY.
WELL, IF YOU SAY SO,
LIEUTENANT.
d
AS MAYOR OF EGG CITY,
I TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN DECLARING
TOMORROW BAVARIA-VILLE DAY.
WITH MY SIGNATURE,
EGG CITY'S OLDEST DISTRICT
WILL BECOME THE EXCLUSIVE
PRETZEL SUPPLIER
TO ALL EGG CITY FILM FESTIVALS,
POLO TOURNAMENTS,
AND WIENERSCHNITZEL STANDS.
FRITZ...FRITZ...
IT'S THE MAYOR.
HURRY, OR YOU'LL MISS HIM!
WHAT A CUTIE.
OOH, IF I WERE
FIVE YEARS YOUNGER, RUFF!
TODAY, I SPEAK FOR EVERY
EGG CITY CITIZEN WHEN I SAY,
"ICH BEN EIN BAVARIA-VILLE"
PEN...I NEED A PEN.
BUT SIR, AS YOU MAY RECALL,
AFTER YOU HOSTED THAT BIG BASH
FOR THE BEAUTY CONTEST WINNERS,
THERE WASN'T ENOUGH
MONEY LEFT OVER
FOR BASIC OFFICE SUPPLIES.
IX-NAY ON THE ASH-BAY.
WE'VE GOT TV. CAMERAS ROLLING.
NOW GIVE ME
SOMETHING TO WRITE WITH!
YES, SIR.
I'M CHECKING,
BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO...
PERFECT!
IF A QUILL WAS GOOD ENOUGH
FOR THE FOUNDING FATHERS,
THEN IT'S GOOD ENOUGH
FOR ME.
OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU...YOU'RE TOO KIND.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S JUST A FEATHER.
WELL, IT'S MY LUCKY FEATHER.
BUT REALLY, YOU ARE TOO KIND.
MAYOR OR NOT,
NOBODY JILTS COOKIE VAVOOM
AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
MR. MAYOR, IT'S THAT STRIP...
EXOTIC DANCER YOU WERE DATING.
GET HER OUT OF HERE
BEFORE SHE RUINS
MY WHOLESOME IMAGE!
OUT OF MY WAY, PIPSQUEAK!
BUT MS. VAVOOM, YOU CAN'T JUST-
OH, CAN'T I?
GRRR, DYNO-MITE!
THAT'S RIGHT,
TWO MEGATONS WORTH.
IF I CAN'T HAVE MORTIMER,
THEN NO ONE CAN!
COOKIE,
LET'S BE REASONABLE HERE.
YOU BLEW ME OFF.
NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOU AWAY!
MY REVENGE!
MY WORD!
MY FEATHER!
SHE'S GOT DYNAMITE!
SNAP TO, SMIDLEY!
DISARM HER!
ON MY SALARY?
I DON'T EVEN GET OVERTIME,
YOU CHEAPSKATE!
UGH...MUST I DO EVERYTHING
IN THIS TOWN?
KISS YOUR CONSTITUENCY GOODBYE,
MORTIMER!
UH-UH-UH!
NOW THEN, OUR SPECIAL TODAY
IS THE BIKINI COCKTAIL.
HOW DO YOU FANCY YOURS,
MAYOR?
SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED?
STRAIGHT UP?
I PREFER MINE WITH A TWIST!
FREEZE,
YOU UGLY WASTE OF OXYGEN!
YOU HEARD HIM, SISTER.
AYE...OH, MY!
LADY, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU
FROM TRAFFIC SCHOOL?
A MONSTER!
A MONSTER WITH THE MAYOR.
AND I'LL JUST BET HE'S GREEN.
GET OFF ME, YOU IDIOT.
WE'VE GOT AN ARREST TO MAKE.
PARDON ME.
EXCUSE ME!
d
HANG ON,
OH FEATHER OF MINE!
PAPA'S COMING!
GASP!
WHAT A REVOLTING DEVELOPMENT!
d
IT IS TIME.
I, CRISCO, THE WORLD'S GREATEST
PERFORMANCE ARTISTE,
AM ABOUT TO CREATE
MY MOST IMPORTANT WORK!
HERE, HERE.
ABSOLUTELY!
YOU KNOW,
THIS IS MORE THAN ART.
IT'S SMART!
REMEMBER CRISCO'S
LAST INSTALLMENT
AT THE SEWAGE
RECOVERY PLANT?
WHAT A PUNGENT STATEMENT!
UTILIZING THE MEDIUM
OF TAR AND FEATHERS,
I, CRISCO,
CHALLENGE YOU TO GAZE
AT YOUR OWN VACANT SOUL.
STARE AND BLINKING IT UP
INTO THE BIG RED EYE
OF YOUR EMPTY LIVES.
OH, IMAGERY!
FLATTERY!
OVER MIND-NUMBING
INCONSEQUENCEINCONSQUENCE!
AH, TO BE THIS ARTISTIC.
OH, MY!
-AMAZING!
-THAT'S WONDERFUL!
HEY!
THAT'S MY FEATHER
ON YOUR RUMP, CHUMP!
YOUR FEATHER?
MY ART BELONGS TO POSTERITY!
YEAH...WELL, YOUR POSTERIOR
BELONGS TO ME!
PREPARE TO BE UNDONE, SIR!
TAKE THAT, AND ANOTHER,
AND ONE MORE, YET!
OUCH, OUCHIE, OW!
OH, YOU'RE MEAN.
STOP IT WITH THAT, NOT THERE!
LOOK, THAT GREEN CREATURE
IS PLUCKING CRISCO.
JUST AS MONETARY GREED
PLUCKS AT MAN'S SOUL.
WHAT SYMBOLISM,
WHAT GENIUS!
WHAT DID YOU DO
TO MY FEATHER?
YOU GOT IT ALL GUNKED UP.
d
d
SUNDAY DRIVER!
d
COME TO FATHER,
LITTLE FEATHER DUDE!
GOTCHA!
THIS IS LIKE TOTALLY RAD AND
EGREGIOUSLY TUBULAR, I MUST SAY.
UH-OH, SOMETHING GNARLY IS ABOUT
TO TRANSPIRE, MOON DOGGIE.
AH-OOH-GA!
THAR' SHE BLOWS!
SWALLOWED BY TEN TONS
OF BLUBBER,
IN SERIOUS DANGER
OF MISSING MY KARAOKE CONTEST.
WELL, IT DOESN'T GET
ANY WORSE THAN THIS.
MAYBE I SPOKE TOO SOON.
WALTER?
HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE, ANYWAY?
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
EN GARDE!
FEEL THE WRATH OF MY FEATHER!
HMM, NO REACTION.
THE SITUATION GROWS
LESS TICKLISH BY THE MINUTE.
d
AH-CHOO!
d
WOW.
WAH-HOO!
DON'T MIND ME.
I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR
IN A JIFF.
SHOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED
HAIR TO A BALD EAGLE.
HEY, WORM BREATH!
GIVE THAT BACK!
THIS CALLS FOR
EGGS-TREME MEASURES.
d
MAMA!
MWAH!
OH, DON'T YOU WORRY, MA.
I'LL WRITE YOU EVERY DAY.
AND NOW,
MY PRECIOUS FEATHER,
ONWARD TO VICTORY
IN THE KARAOKE CONTEST.
YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO!
YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO,
YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO!
YODEL-AY-HEE-HA!
YODEL-AY, YODEL-AY,
YODEL-AY HEE-HOO!
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THERE, THERE...
THAT IS THE SAVAGE!
HE RUINED MY PERFORMANCE
WITH HIS PLUCKAGE.
RUINED IT, RUINED IT!
AW, GEE, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU PUT ON
A REAL NICE SHOW.
LISTEN, PAL.
THERE'S NO WAY WHAT YOU DO COULD
BE CALLED A PERFORMANCE.
MR. TONY BENNETT:
NOW THAT'S A PERFORMER!
ALL UNITS, COME IN ALL UNITS.
PLEASE BE ADVISED
OF AN AVALANCHE IN PROGRESS
OFF MOUNT SUMMERY CLIFF.
AVALANCHE?
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE
WITH THOSE PRETZEL-TWISTERS
OVER IN BAVARIA-VILLE.
WITNESSES HAVE REPORTED
SOMETHING GREEN
AT THE CORE OF THE AVALANCHE.
PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
GREEN, HUH?
COME ON, DOYLE, LET'S MOVE!
YOU MIGHT WANNA STOP
BACK AT THE PRECINCT FIRST,
LIEUTENANT.
YEAH, GUESS THAT TAR'S PRETTY
STICKY STUFF, HUH?
WHAT?
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BRRR.
SOMEBODY THAW ME!
AAH, YOU!
THE MONSTER.
THE MONSTER FROM THE TELEVISION!
LOOK WHAT YOU DID
TO MEIN HOUSE!
STOP THE MONSTER,
STOP THE MONSTER!
GET HIM, GET HIM!
WELL, SO NICE OF YOU
TO SEND OUT THE WELCOME WAGON.
BUT, UH...
AAH!
THERE'S NEVER
AN ABANDONED WINDMILL AROUND
WHEN YOU NEED ONE!
WELL, ALMOST NEVER.
IT'S FUSS, THE MONSTER.
HE'S A MONSTER, ALL RIGHT...
A MONSTROUS PAIN IN MY GUT.
COME ON, DOYLE.
COME ON!
THEY'VE GOT HIM CORNERED
IN THE OLD WINDMILL.
WHO IS IT?
ANGRY, SEETHING MOB!
TELL HIM THIS:
I GAVE AT THE OFFICE.
BOY, ARE YOU PEOPLE PUSHY!
GOTTA DO SOMETHING QUICK...
THINK.
THINK, THINK, THINK,
THINK, THINK.
I'VE GOT IT!
'TIS BUT ONE WAY TO HANDLE
AN UNRULY MOB SUCH AS THIS:
WITH SNACKAGES!
GOOD CITIZENS
OF BAVARIA-VILLE,
AND ASSORTED OTHERS,
LEND ME YOUR EARS.
I ASKED FOR THAT, DIDN'T I?
THERE IS MUCH RAGE
IN YOUR HEARTS.
THERE IS MUCH BILE
IN YOUR LIVER.
BUT NOW, LET THERE BE
S'MORES IN YOUR STOMACHS!
HEY, HEY, HI THERE.
YOU MIND IF I PLAY THROUGH?
ALL RIGHT, MASK, IT'S OVER.
YOU'RE COMING DOWNTOWN.
SHH...QUIET ON THE GREEN.
HE'S RIGHT, LIEUTENANT.
THEY GOT RULES, YOU KNOW?
DOYLE!
FORE!
YOU KNOW,
I GOTTA WORK ON THAT SLICE.
I HAD HIM, DOYLE.
HE WAS THIS CLOSE,
AND HE SLIPPED AWAY.
YEAH, I REALLY WANTED
TO GET THIS RECIPE.
AND THE WINNER
OF TONIGHT'S KARAOKE CONTEST IS,
HMM, LET ME SEE HERE...
WITHOUT MY GLASSES
THIS IS DIFFICULT.
AAH, AAH!
I'M ALLERGIC.
THE WINNER!
LIKE I SAID, LUCKY!
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