The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 2 - Goin' for the Green - full transcript

[yelling]

d I got ya with
my winning smile d

d I'm a living lesson
in flair and style d

d You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire d

d I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco d

d Rococo, Barroco d

d Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop d

Somebody stop me!

d Pretty viridian
faces like mine d

Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!

d Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! d



Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!

d Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells d

d Had better learn to
decorate prison cells d

Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?

d Well, there's one last
thing I gotta sing about d

Open up wide and really shout!

Whoa, look out!

d This is the Mask! dd

Smokin'!

[crowd cheering]

As we dedicate
this splendid new stadium

let us honor the man
who made it possible.

- Colonel Beauregard Klaxon.
- [cheering]

Mr. Mayor, I'm happier than
a raccoon in a garbage dump



to have built your swamp
into a shining example

of Edge City fluff.

And what better way to end
this event than with the
unveiling of...

ahem...
my latest statue.

Greeting, boys and gargoyles.

Let's rock!

You green-faced hoodlum,
what have you done
with my statue?

Easy there, tubby.
Don't get your shorts
in a bunch.

That's my job.

That doesn't look
a thing like me.

No. It does now!

You got a problem here,
Mayor, a dilemma.

When folks think of Edge City,
they think of the Mask.

He's a joke, son, a joke,
that is.

And nobody invests a dime
in a joke.

Pay attention, son.
I'm not just talking
to hear my jowls flap.

We want to attract
more investors to Edge City.

And this is how
we're gonna do it.

The Edge Games?

That's right, son.

A friendly competition
betwixt us and archrivals
Centerville.

That's not a bad idea.

Well, bust my suspenders, son.

That's the best idea
since Mason met Dixon.

[coughing]

But what about the Mask?

Like my great granddaddy
use to say

when facing the Yankees,
there's only one way to
lick a problem this big.

Ignore it up
something fierce.

My fellow citizens,

I proclaim this
Edge Games Week!

And to make sure nothing
goes wrong,

I have a catchy message
for the Mask...

Ignore moi?

A challenge!

Challenge accepted,
you brute.

No one ignores the Mask.

Bring me your tired,
your poor,

undivided attention.

I can't believe my eyes!

[gasps]

Somebody threw away a perfectly
good Edge Games button.

[screams]

All right, Edge City,
I'm throwing down the gloves.

There's something we
don't see every day.

Yeah, who cares?

You know what I just heard
about the Edge Games?

[panting]

Et tu,Peenman?

[phone rings]

Klaxon, it's working.
Now maybe he'll really go away.

[panting]

I know I promised I wouldn't
be late again. I'm sorry.

Don't give it
another thought.

Your old pal Charlie
has done it again.

How would you like
a chance to score
major points

with the boss?

All you have to do
is represent the bank
in the Edge Games.

But who'd put me on the team?

As Edge City's newest
official coach,

I wanna say welcome
to the team.

[Stanley yawning]

I know it's late, Milo,
but gotta start getting
in shape for the games.

OK, here we go.
[grunting]

One... oh, yeah.

I'm making progress.

Milo, how am I supposed
to be a contender

with the Mask keeping
me out all night?

Looks like our friend here
is due for a little vacation.

Bury it somewhere.

And whatever happens,
do not let me get it
until the games are over.

Now. [grunts]

[snoring]

[bell dings]

Klaxon, you're up to something.
I can feel it.

Oh, what have we here?

I gotta tell Stanley about this.

[snarling]

What was that?

[screaming]

[Milo barking]

Milo, quiet down, boy.
It's just a shower.

I'm telling you,
it was the swamp monster.

Big, slimy and green.

Green, huh? Like someone
we both know, Ipkiss?

What are you saying,
lieutenant?

I'm saying you're looking
at the one guy who can't
ignore the Mask.

I got my eye on you, Ipkiss.

I have a question
about the evidence here,
Lieutenant.

Where'd you find
these great tasting donuts?

This don't look
good, Colonel.

Supposing she found out
about your little
side project?

Billy Bob, you know how

I feel about loose ends.

[crowd cheering]

But, Charlie, you still haven't
told me what my event is.

Are you kidding, Stanley?
You're our secret weapon.

Whoo! In the event
that nobody else can play,

we'll be counting on you.
Excuse me.

Oh!

Stanley, thank goodness
I found you.

You'll never believe it.
Klaxon's been illegally
dumping toxic nuclear waste

into the swamp this stadium
was constructed on.

That's great, Peggy.
I'm really happy for you.

Don't you get it?
The radioactive waste
must have mutated the swamp

into some kind of a creature.

Would you give it a rest
with the swamp monsters already?

But it's true, really.
You gotta change into the Mask
and do something.

No, forget it, Peggy.

I'm not putting on the Mask
and that is final.

All right, Mr. Spoil Sport.

I'll just find
the swamp monster myself.

OK, this is the last place
the monster was sighted.

[growling]

What the...

[people screaming]

OK, stay calm.

Just 'cause the swamp
monster's real doesn't
mean you have to panic.

The swamp monster is real!

It's attacking.
It's here!

Doing what?
A duet with Bigfoot?

Why don't you just save it
for your fish wrap tabloid?

Come on, team, get
a move on. The games
are starting any minute.

Stanley, the team's gone.

Guys, come on back.

I was only kidding about
keeping all your medals.

OK, it's up to you, Stanley.

You may have arrived here
an uncoordinated loser,

but you're leaving
an uncoordinated champion.

- Milo, this is it.
- [barking]

My big chance to show
everybody I can be a winner.

Not as the Mask, as me.

Stanley Ipkiss.

Milo, would you please
quit with the barking?

I can't hear myself scream.
Aghhh!

Take that!

I can't believe it.
Peggy was right.

Milo, bring me the Mask.

[growls]

No, forget what I said
about not letting me near
it until after the games.

This is an emergency.

Please get the Mask, Milo.

I'll give you extra cable.

Whoa! I'll cook you
a nice juicy steak.

With sauteed mushrooms.

All wrapped in bacon!

That is if I'm not
dinner first.

I'm not making it up this time.
The swamp monsters are real.

Back off, you deluded
media leech.

You gotta come
to the locker room.

The whole team's disappeared.

See, now that sounds like
a missing persons case,
Lieutenant.

We really should
check that out, huh?

Doyle.

Milo! Where are you?

I shiver your timbers,

you slithering sea snake.

Here's your green monster.
Not from a swamp,

but still slimy.

Who you calling slimy,
land lubber?

About the monster,
she's right.

It's real, but have no fear

Super Mask is here.

I'm gonna nail that
degenerate once and for all.

Help! Help!

[PA announcer]
And with the team
nowhere to be found,

it looks as though Edge City
will forfeit the game.

No, no, no, let's not
get ahead of ourselves.

Just follow the bouncing ball.

Brickabacker, firecracker,
sis-boom-bah,

rah rah rah!

Brickabacker, firecracker,
sis-boom-bah...

Could I call your attention
to the score, sir?

It appears we're winning.

No, we're not.
The Mask is!

[panting]
It's all up to you now.

Don't let us down.

What are you
waiting for? Go!

Way to go, Lieutenant.
We're in the lead.

- Take it. It's yours.
That's an order.
- No, you take it.

Unh-unh-unh.
You'll never be a winner
with that kind of attitude.

Ha ha ha!

To think they were scared
of a little flag.

I'm making an ash of myself.
[coughs]

OK, if I were a swamp monster,
where would I hide?

Oh! Let me go!

Lookee here what I found,
Colonel, sir.

Now see here, missy.
Don't you know it ain't
ladylike

to be snooping
around computer files
that don't belong to you?

Looks like old
Uncle Beauregard

is gonna have to teach
you some manners.

[screams]

Somebody stop it.

Dagnabit.

I gotta warn the major
about that darn swamp monster.

It's the swamp monster.
Run for your lives.

[all yawn]

- Oh, him again.
- Boring.

- Been there, done that.
- Down in front.

No one ignores the Mask.

I've never seen The Swamp
Monster That Ate the Stadium.

Have you?

In the name of all
that's holy.

There must be some way

to get you to pay
attention to me!

Now that's more like it.

You're mine,
you green-faced slimeball.

Now isn't this just
a tad on the overkill
side there, Sparky?

Klaxon, you're finished.

I know all about your illegal
radioactive waste dumping.

[Klaxon]
That's all well and good,
sugar,

but you'll never prove it
was my illegal waste dump

that made that
swamp ground unstable.

So you admit you went ahead
and built the stadium though
you knew it would collapse?

Faster than a house of cards
in a hurricane.

See, my little plan
was to lure the Mask
and blame it all on him.

You dirty rat, you'll never
take me alive, see?

You hear me, Ma?
I'm on top of the world.

So what about
the swamp monster?

Well, I do declare, child.
How was I supposed to know

a little old thing like
my radioactive waste

would mutate into something
meaner than a sow bug
on a hot skillet?

[booing]

Billy Bob, I do believe
we've been had

by this delicate flower.

And I don't take
no hankering to being had.

I'm innocent.

I'm so innocent,
you handsome hunks.

[growls]

He's right, Lieutenant.
Klaxon's the guilty one.

What are you waiting for?

Get Klaxon!

Where are you going, boys?

We were just getting acquainted.

Did I ever tell you
how my great granddaddy

used to execute
them Yankee spies?

Everybody freeze!

Yes, young lady,

this is an authentic
Civil War saber.

How observant.

I got a history lesson
for you, pal.

We got your whole confession
in front of 50,000 witnesses.

Hey, Lieutenant, is there
any law against eating
a stadium for lunch?

Of course not, Doyle.

Why would anyone ask such
a ridiculous...

question.

[all] Swamp monster!

Oh, really?

Now who would have thought
that green good ole boy

would come in so handy?

Fellow citizens,
please remain calm.

There's no reason to panic.

Please feel free to panic.
[shouting]

Listen, pilgrim,
and listen good.

This stadium ain't big enough
for the both of us.

Of course you know,
this means war!

Call me Edgar Hedgeclipperhands.

[whirring]

[screams]

It's party time, baby!

Float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee,

I am the greatest.

Oops.

Hey, maybe you oughta pick on
someone your own size, slimy.

But first,

time to earn my merit badge.

Tight knot, loose knot,
numbnut.

[hums]

Hey, bambino,how you like
your antipasto, huh?

Maybe tossed.

[screaming]

[gulps]

[belches]

Mama mia!
She's some spicy meatball.

I got it. I got it.
I got...

What happened?

Take that,
you little squirts.

[Milo growls, bites]

[Klaxon shouting]

Unteeth me, you Yankee mongrel.

Sir, you have
insulted that dog.

Now I propose we settle
our differences in
a gentlemanly manner.

with a good old-fashioned

Southern wedgie!

Game's over, Johnny Reb.

And in honor of your winning the
games and saving our fair city,

I declare the Ignore the Mask
campaign officially over.

Thank you, Mayor.
What can I say?

But this makes me want
to do something to make
my mark

on my hometown.

[sobs]

[theme music playing]