The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 26 - 'The Angels Wanna Wear My' Green Mask - full transcript
[yelling]
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
[indistinct chatter]
[men grunting]
- [both grunting]
- [chuckling] Au revoir,
foolish gentlemen.
Even if you break free,
you cannot diffuse
my dreaded Brie bomb.
It's made from the world's
most unstable dairy product.
Your silly American Stock
Exchange will be flambe
and the franc will rule
the world, yeah! [chuckles]
Franc, good.
Other military systems
of the world, bad!
Oh, Phoney Frenchman.
If you won't diffuse the bomb,
at least tell me this.
Why do they call it,
"French toast," hm?
I mean, how do you get
all the egg out of the
toaster and off your face!
And why do French poodles
always have these
outrageous pom poms?
Ooh, time goes short!
I must flee before
le bomb makes le boom!
- [screams]
- Why the Waterloo
like retreat, eh?
[humming]
- [bomb beeping]
- [grunts]
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Those ropes were
starting to chafe.
Not so fast!
You want to blow us
all to kingdom come?
[grunts]
And did you get a doctorate
in physics, Mr. Smarty Pants?
Put a lid on it,
you hyperactive degenerate.
Who're you
calling hyperactive,
you Jack Webb wannabe?
- [Mitch] Scot law!
- [Mask] Fascist!
- Low life!
- Commie!
- [both] Uh-oh.
- [bomb beeping]
[explosion]
Excuse me, is it
just my imagination
running away with me,
or has the weather
become partially cloudy?
Congratulations on your
arrival into the next world.
Or more precisely,
the waiting area for
the Great Beyond.
Huh?
Ah, clearly a further
demonstration is in order.
[sobs]
- [cries]
- Weep not,
the ending of life
is but the
beginning of eternity.
Exactly.
They're gonna link me
with this maniac till
the end of time!
There's a new Rampaging Reptile!
movie opening next week...
As featured on
Celebrity Bingo.
[panting]
All righty then!
Huh? Oh, yeah.
This is good.
Are you through?
Obviously you're not
going back down there.
[screams]
Indeed, the hour is nigh.
Hold on, missy.
You're actually letting
him go in there?
I thought if anybody didn't
need to pack a parka for
the after life, it'd be him!
The decision has
already been made.
He doesn't deserve
to get in!
I demand a hearing!
[grunts]
Not herring,
hearing!
- [rumbling]
- [both] Uh-oh.
Your request has been granted.
Let the hearing begin.
[gavel banging]
Ever since this nutcase
turned up in Edge City...
[Announcer] And with the
team no where to be found,
it looks as though Edge City
will forfeit the game.
No, no, no. Let's not get
"a head" of ourselves.
Just follow the
bouncing ball.
- [bell dings]
- [crowd cheers]
[dinging]
Bric-a-brac!
A firecracker!
Sis-boom-bah!
Mask! Mask!
Rah! Rah! Rah!
- [crowd cheering]
- Bric-a-brac!
A firecracker!
Sis-boom-bah...
So, honey, would you like to
see this evening's specials?
Alaskan Snow Crabs.
Ow! Ow!
And my personal recommendation,
tropical fruit salad!
♪ Ba ba bum bum hey! ♪
♪ A cha cha cha cha huh! ♪
♪ Ba ba bum bum hey! ♪
[grunts]
[growling]
We have traveled
many light years.
Driven by curiosity about
your fascinating species.
Please cooperate
with our research.
Say, ah.
Ahhh!
A little softer, please.
Ah.
[singing the scale]
Enough!
[singing]
- [engine churning]
- [train whistle blowing]
You are exhausting
our patience!
Oh! I know this game.
It's, "Who Can Hit the
Other Guy Softer," right?
I lose.
We must collect
a tissue sample.
[honking]
Ew.
I want my tissue sample
and I want it now!
[straining]
- Uh-oh.
- [grunting]
Is all of this true?
Ah. Well, that depends
on what you mean by true.
If you mean,
did it really happen
that way, why then...
Yes, but only just a little.
Based on the evidence,
it seems we must
re-evaluate your fate.
[gasps]
You're not really
listening to that
nonsense, are you?
- About me being some
kind of trouble maker?
- [screams]
Oops. What was I thinking?
Before passing
judgment on the Mask,
one must first examine
his entire history.
[people gasping]
[chattering, coughing]
You scoffed at my creations.
Now look upon
my works in despair!
[people shouting]
[sighs] That's the
trouble with this economy,
too much runaway inflation.
[giggles]
And you're toast.
[gasps] You haven't
seen the end of me!
Oh, yes I have.
I gotta tell you,
it's not a pretty sigh.
Oh, almost forgot...
I'll be back!
Mark my words,
you will all sing
praises to my genius!
Praises To My Genius...
Don't know that one.
What? How about
Pop Goes the Weasel?
Was that an explosive
finale or what?
[grunting]
It's hopeless...
You gotta help me.
I'm not a hero.
I'm just an actor, you know?
Not even classically trained.
The clock's ticking.
Mask, do something.
Yeah, but what?
I always do my best
thinking sitting down.
[alarm sounding]
There's gonna be no rematch.
[rumbling, explosion]
Oopsy! Must've been
all those tacos.
[straining]
All right, doomsday device.
You're no match for...
handyman.
Here we go! Here we go!
No batter, no batter...
Whew.
[people screaming]
All right, let's see.
Pair of gloves, no.
Pair of pants, no.
Parachute... Yes!
[high pitched scream]
Smokin'!
Oh! Ow! Eek! Ow!
Yeow! Hot foot!
[chomping]
Ah...
Well, there you have it,
seraphs and cherubim.
For all the good I've done,
I think I deserve to get
into your little club, hm?
We have arrived at a verdict.
This individual
is denied entry.
Me?
Are you out of your minds?
Although the Mask is
a force for anarchy,
in his heart,
he is truly a good person.
His inner impulses,
struggling against
temptations like you.
Me? A temptation?
By continually
hounding him,
you only provoked him
into retaliating.
We, therefore,
must exclude you!
No!
- You! You! You! You!
- [Judge] Silence!
[whispers] You.
We further decree that
the man wearing the mask
is always trying to
follow his conscience,
despite the fact that
the mask is causing him
to behave in a most
inappropriate manner.
Therefore, the owner
of the mask can go in,
but the mask itself
is forbidden.
[gasps] Forget it, pal!
Nobody's making me lose face.
I'll get it off him! [grunts]
Oh, man.
Where did the mask
leave me this time?
[Mitch] Ipkiss.
I always knew it was you.
You're busted
for all eternity.
All right,
you got your mask.
Now can I get into
the Great Beyond?
[laughing] No,
my darling little fool.
But you can have
my undying gratitude.
Oh, thank you both,
for handing me this
precious little trophy.
Ipkiss, what's going on?
Who is this lunatic?
My dear Lieutenant,
you are in the hands
of Dr. Amelia Chronos,
mistress of time.
The Brie bomb never went off
because I teleported you away.
Stopping time at the
very last second.
Oh, I've waited over
a thousand years
to get my revenge
on the Mask!
That's impossible.
Is it? As you
shall soon see,
all time is relative.
[Amelia] No, what are you doing?
No! No... [groans]
Oh... I'll get you for this,
- and your little dog, too.
- [barks]
[moaning]
Leave me alone, bad man.
[crying]
Stop that this minute.
I command you.
- I command...
- [people chattering]
Look, she's the witcheth!
And she's casting a
spelleth on us alleth!
'Tis true! Grab her!
[all shouting]
That was how
you defeated me
the first time.
Licking my wounds,
I sought out revenge
using this!
[The Mask humming]
Wait, what
are you doing?
It's time to do
the deja voodoo
that you do so well!
[grunts]
No!
[screaming]
[screams]
From your point of view,
that grandfather clock
only hit me once,
but from my perspective,
it lasted a thousand years!
You know,
I thought you said,
"A thousand years."
Yes, and all I did
during that time
was plan to steal the
source of your power!
Now that I have it,
I'm going to have
my revenge on you!
Now that I
possess the mask,
I can harness its energies
for new experiments
in time manipulation.
Right, like we're really
going to just sit back
and let you use that.
Who's going to stop me?
- You?
- [grunts]
Huh?
[grunts, groans]
Or you?
Ooh, I would love
to see you try.
[both straining]
Observe. Using the mask's
inherent transformational
powers,
combined with
my mastery of time...
I can de-evolve your
Lieutenant Kellaway
back to his
primitive ancestry.
What are you...
doing to...
[grunting]
At least his
disposition's improved.
[yelling, grunting]
[both grunting]
- [grunts]
- [screaming]
[gasps]
[grunts]
That's it. Come to papa.
Lucy, I'm home!
Did you miss me,
big guy?
Where is it?
Where is it! [gasps]
Misplace your valuables?
Something in wool, perhaps?
[bleating]
Or, maybe, this?
[grunting]
Huh? What is this place?
And who in
blazes are you?
Again, you've
spoiled my plans.
But you're not
getting away...
[screams]
[screaming]
Next up, third floor.
Sporting goods,
women's lingerie and...
the Edge City
Stock Exchange!
Mask, someday I'm going to
find out who you really are,
and then you're in
for some real trouble.
- [screams]
- Uh-oh.
Sounds like somebody's little
adventure in de-evolution
left him overdrawn
at the memory bank.
Where'd you go, Lieutenant?
And did you bring
me back anything?
Nice knowing you, Doyle.
And by the way, we have
one second to live!
Hey! What are you doing?
Non! Non!
You can't escape me!
I am Chronos,
mistress of... Uh-oh.
Sacre bleu!
[groans]
I hate that mask.
[ticking]
You can't escape me!
I am Chronos,
mistress of... Uh-oh.
Sacre bleu!
[groans]
I hate that mask.
[ticking]
You can't escape me!
I am Chronos,
mistress of... Uh-oh.
Sacre bleu!
[groans]
I hate that mask.
[ticking]
Is it over?
Our villain's
been defeated,
and the world
is safe again.
What are you going to do now?
I'm going to...
Woo-hoo! Wedgieland!
[giggling]
[chuckles]
You know, Lieutenant,
I'm actually starting
to enjoy this.
Doyle...
[Mask humming
Ride of the Valkyries]
Somebody stop me! [laughing]
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
[indistinct chatter]
[men grunting]
- [both grunting]
- [chuckling] Au revoir,
foolish gentlemen.
Even if you break free,
you cannot diffuse
my dreaded Brie bomb.
It's made from the world's
most unstable dairy product.
Your silly American Stock
Exchange will be flambe
and the franc will rule
the world, yeah! [chuckles]
Franc, good.
Other military systems
of the world, bad!
Oh, Phoney Frenchman.
If you won't diffuse the bomb,
at least tell me this.
Why do they call it,
"French toast," hm?
I mean, how do you get
all the egg out of the
toaster and off your face!
And why do French poodles
always have these
outrageous pom poms?
Ooh, time goes short!
I must flee before
le bomb makes le boom!
- [screams]
- Why the Waterloo
like retreat, eh?
[humming]
- [bomb beeping]
- [grunts]
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Those ropes were
starting to chafe.
Not so fast!
You want to blow us
all to kingdom come?
[grunts]
And did you get a doctorate
in physics, Mr. Smarty Pants?
Put a lid on it,
you hyperactive degenerate.
Who're you
calling hyperactive,
you Jack Webb wannabe?
- [Mitch] Scot law!
- [Mask] Fascist!
- Low life!
- Commie!
- [both] Uh-oh.
- [bomb beeping]
[explosion]
Excuse me, is it
just my imagination
running away with me,
or has the weather
become partially cloudy?
Congratulations on your
arrival into the next world.
Or more precisely,
the waiting area for
the Great Beyond.
Huh?
Ah, clearly a further
demonstration is in order.
[sobs]
- [cries]
- Weep not,
the ending of life
is but the
beginning of eternity.
Exactly.
They're gonna link me
with this maniac till
the end of time!
There's a new Rampaging Reptile!
movie opening next week...
As featured on
Celebrity Bingo.
[panting]
All righty then!
Huh? Oh, yeah.
This is good.
Are you through?
Obviously you're not
going back down there.
[screams]
Indeed, the hour is nigh.
Hold on, missy.
You're actually letting
him go in there?
I thought if anybody didn't
need to pack a parka for
the after life, it'd be him!
The decision has
already been made.
He doesn't deserve
to get in!
I demand a hearing!
[grunts]
Not herring,
hearing!
- [rumbling]
- [both] Uh-oh.
Your request has been granted.
Let the hearing begin.
[gavel banging]
Ever since this nutcase
turned up in Edge City...
[Announcer] And with the
team no where to be found,
it looks as though Edge City
will forfeit the game.
No, no, no. Let's not get
"a head" of ourselves.
Just follow the
bouncing ball.
- [bell dings]
- [crowd cheers]
[dinging]
Bric-a-brac!
A firecracker!
Sis-boom-bah!
Mask! Mask!
Rah! Rah! Rah!
- [crowd cheering]
- Bric-a-brac!
A firecracker!
Sis-boom-bah...
So, honey, would you like to
see this evening's specials?
Alaskan Snow Crabs.
Ow! Ow!
And my personal recommendation,
tropical fruit salad!
♪ Ba ba bum bum hey! ♪
♪ A cha cha cha cha huh! ♪
♪ Ba ba bum bum hey! ♪
[grunts]
[growling]
We have traveled
many light years.
Driven by curiosity about
your fascinating species.
Please cooperate
with our research.
Say, ah.
Ahhh!
A little softer, please.
Ah.
[singing the scale]
Enough!
[singing]
- [engine churning]
- [train whistle blowing]
You are exhausting
our patience!
Oh! I know this game.
It's, "Who Can Hit the
Other Guy Softer," right?
I lose.
We must collect
a tissue sample.
[honking]
Ew.
I want my tissue sample
and I want it now!
[straining]
- Uh-oh.
- [grunting]
Is all of this true?
Ah. Well, that depends
on what you mean by true.
If you mean,
did it really happen
that way, why then...
Yes, but only just a little.
Based on the evidence,
it seems we must
re-evaluate your fate.
[gasps]
You're not really
listening to that
nonsense, are you?
- About me being some
kind of trouble maker?
- [screams]
Oops. What was I thinking?
Before passing
judgment on the Mask,
one must first examine
his entire history.
[people gasping]
[chattering, coughing]
You scoffed at my creations.
Now look upon
my works in despair!
[people shouting]
[sighs] That's the
trouble with this economy,
too much runaway inflation.
[giggles]
And you're toast.
[gasps] You haven't
seen the end of me!
Oh, yes I have.
I gotta tell you,
it's not a pretty sigh.
Oh, almost forgot...
I'll be back!
Mark my words,
you will all sing
praises to my genius!
Praises To My Genius...
Don't know that one.
What? How about
Pop Goes the Weasel?
Was that an explosive
finale or what?
[grunting]
It's hopeless...
You gotta help me.
I'm not a hero.
I'm just an actor, you know?
Not even classically trained.
The clock's ticking.
Mask, do something.
Yeah, but what?
I always do my best
thinking sitting down.
[alarm sounding]
There's gonna be no rematch.
[rumbling, explosion]
Oopsy! Must've been
all those tacos.
[straining]
All right, doomsday device.
You're no match for...
handyman.
Here we go! Here we go!
No batter, no batter...
Whew.
[people screaming]
All right, let's see.
Pair of gloves, no.
Pair of pants, no.
Parachute... Yes!
[high pitched scream]
Smokin'!
Oh! Ow! Eek! Ow!
Yeow! Hot foot!
[chomping]
Ah...
Well, there you have it,
seraphs and cherubim.
For all the good I've done,
I think I deserve to get
into your little club, hm?
We have arrived at a verdict.
This individual
is denied entry.
Me?
Are you out of your minds?
Although the Mask is
a force for anarchy,
in his heart,
he is truly a good person.
His inner impulses,
struggling against
temptations like you.
Me? A temptation?
By continually
hounding him,
you only provoked him
into retaliating.
We, therefore,
must exclude you!
No!
- You! You! You! You!
- [Judge] Silence!
[whispers] You.
We further decree that
the man wearing the mask
is always trying to
follow his conscience,
despite the fact that
the mask is causing him
to behave in a most
inappropriate manner.
Therefore, the owner
of the mask can go in,
but the mask itself
is forbidden.
[gasps] Forget it, pal!
Nobody's making me lose face.
I'll get it off him! [grunts]
Oh, man.
Where did the mask
leave me this time?
[Mitch] Ipkiss.
I always knew it was you.
You're busted
for all eternity.
All right,
you got your mask.
Now can I get into
the Great Beyond?
[laughing] No,
my darling little fool.
But you can have
my undying gratitude.
Oh, thank you both,
for handing me this
precious little trophy.
Ipkiss, what's going on?
Who is this lunatic?
My dear Lieutenant,
you are in the hands
of Dr. Amelia Chronos,
mistress of time.
The Brie bomb never went off
because I teleported you away.
Stopping time at the
very last second.
Oh, I've waited over
a thousand years
to get my revenge
on the Mask!
That's impossible.
Is it? As you
shall soon see,
all time is relative.
[Amelia] No, what are you doing?
No! No... [groans]
Oh... I'll get you for this,
- and your little dog, too.
- [barks]
[moaning]
Leave me alone, bad man.
[crying]
Stop that this minute.
I command you.
- I command...
- [people chattering]
Look, she's the witcheth!
And she's casting a
spelleth on us alleth!
'Tis true! Grab her!
[all shouting]
That was how
you defeated me
the first time.
Licking my wounds,
I sought out revenge
using this!
[The Mask humming]
Wait, what
are you doing?
It's time to do
the deja voodoo
that you do so well!
[grunts]
No!
[screaming]
[screams]
From your point of view,
that grandfather clock
only hit me once,
but from my perspective,
it lasted a thousand years!
You know,
I thought you said,
"A thousand years."
Yes, and all I did
during that time
was plan to steal the
source of your power!
Now that I have it,
I'm going to have
my revenge on you!
Now that I
possess the mask,
I can harness its energies
for new experiments
in time manipulation.
Right, like we're really
going to just sit back
and let you use that.
Who's going to stop me?
- You?
- [grunts]
Huh?
[grunts, groans]
Or you?
Ooh, I would love
to see you try.
[both straining]
Observe. Using the mask's
inherent transformational
powers,
combined with
my mastery of time...
I can de-evolve your
Lieutenant Kellaway
back to his
primitive ancestry.
What are you...
doing to...
[grunting]
At least his
disposition's improved.
[yelling, grunting]
[both grunting]
- [grunts]
- [screaming]
[gasps]
[grunts]
That's it. Come to papa.
Lucy, I'm home!
Did you miss me,
big guy?
Where is it?
Where is it! [gasps]
Misplace your valuables?
Something in wool, perhaps?
[bleating]
Or, maybe, this?
[grunting]
Huh? What is this place?
And who in
blazes are you?
Again, you've
spoiled my plans.
But you're not
getting away...
[screams]
[screaming]
Next up, third floor.
Sporting goods,
women's lingerie and...
the Edge City
Stock Exchange!
Mask, someday I'm going to
find out who you really are,
and then you're in
for some real trouble.
- [screams]
- Uh-oh.
Sounds like somebody's little
adventure in de-evolution
left him overdrawn
at the memory bank.
Where'd you go, Lieutenant?
And did you bring
me back anything?
Nice knowing you, Doyle.
And by the way, we have
one second to live!
Hey! What are you doing?
Non! Non!
You can't escape me!
I am Chronos,
mistress of... Uh-oh.
Sacre bleu!
[groans]
I hate that mask.
[ticking]
You can't escape me!
I am Chronos,
mistress of... Uh-oh.
Sacre bleu!
[groans]
I hate that mask.
[ticking]
You can't escape me!
I am Chronos,
mistress of... Uh-oh.
Sacre bleu!
[groans]
I hate that mask.
[ticking]
Is it over?
Our villain's
been defeated,
and the world
is safe again.
What are you going to do now?
I'm going to...
Woo-hoo! Wedgieland!
[giggling]
[chuckles]
You know, Lieutenant,
I'm actually starting
to enjoy this.
Doyle...
[Mask humming
Ride of the Valkyries]
Somebody stop me! [laughing]