The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 21 - Cool Hand Mask - full transcript
[yelling]
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
[machine whirring]
That'll do it.
[laser shoots]
[grunts]
Excellent, now bring me
those computer chips.
Yep, you've got the touch,
Bernie. So shiny I can see
my face in 'em!
Papa's ready for some
stepping out tonight!
[horn honking]
[coughing]
All right, punks. When you start
messing with the patent leather,
you got trouble.
[siren blaring]
[gasps]
It's the cops!
Pull over. Do not pass "Go".
Do not collect $200.
Nice ring of authority,
don't you think?
Maybe we outta dump
the truck and hightail it.
No, you cowardly imbecile.
The merchandise is crucial
to my plan.
Hit the gas and outrun them.
I think we lost them.
[both scream]
Hi there, boys. Know where a
girl can get a hot fudge sundae
in this town?
It's the Mask!
Don't you dare
let him get the chips.
Did you say chips? All right!
[crunching sound]
Yuck! Must be those
newfangled fat-free kind.
Nothing a little salsa can fix.
[crunching sound]
[gulps]
[burps]
De-lic-ious!
Uh, somebody sound Taps,
'cause I'm about to
turn out your lights.
[both laughing]
[gun cocking sound]
[coughing]
Smokin'!
[Pretorius] With those
computer chips, I could've
implanted a virus
in enough computers
to bring down the city!
Now I'll have to
do it another way.
But I promise you this...
The Mask has interfered
with my plans for the last time!
I have to come up
with another plan.
What have we here?
Ah, a perfect print.
Fibers from the Mask's suit.
This should be all I need to get
him out of my hair for good.
With the help
of a couple of dimwit cops.
[birds chirping]
[man] Someone stole the orphan
little leaguer's cookie fund?
[children crying]
We kept all the
money in here officer.
And now it's gone.
They took all the cookies, too.
Boy, that's too bad.
Oh, my favorite's those
vanilla sandwich kind.
I like to separate the top from
the bottom and then just lick
out all that cream...
Shut up, Doyle.
And start looking for clues.
Hmm... no sign of forced entry.
Who else had
access to this room?
Well, no one.
[groans] Now the kids won't be
able to get their new uniforms.
[all crying]
We're dealing
with a real sicko here?
Now let me take a closer...
Ah-ha!
Looks like we've got a print.
Doyle, bag this
and get it down to the lab.
Right.
Not the magnifying glass,
you idiot. The jar.
Oh. [chuckles]
Good thinkin'.
Don't worry,
we'll nail this creep.
And when we do, he's going away
for a good, long time.
[man] I fed those prints into
the computer.
If he's ever had contact with
the police we'll have a match.
[dinging sound]
I knew it!
Gee, chief, hows come we got the
Mask's prints in our files?
He's never been arrested.
At least not by you, anyway.
That's what you think.
I busted him
two years ago for jaywalking.
What about that fiber?
[whirring]
See for yourself.
I've waited years
for this, Doyle.
But now I got him!
[laughing]
By now, that nitwit
law officer cop
will have fallen for the
evidence I planted.
You're not getting away this
time you green-faced cookie
snatcher.
[tires screeching]
You know, that battleship was
definitely not on our bumper
when we left the precinct, huh?
[cop] If we can't arrest him,
we'll hit him where it
hurts the most, his ego.
He thinks everybody loves him.
Well, think again, creep.
And at the heart wrenching
cries of these adorable
children,
fall upon the ears
of an outraged public.
The Mask remains the sole
suspect in this despicable
crime.
What do you mean I've been...
[gulps]
...banned?
I used to be an orphan little
leaguer myself, you creep.
[video game noises]
Stand back and watch kiddies,
'cause daddy's hot tonight!
[dinging]
Yes! I'm invincible!
I... ooh.
Here, maybe this will keep you
from stealing from orphans.
But I didn't do it.
Well, maybe you did.
Maybe you've got
one of those...
...split personalities.
Me, split personality?
That's just nuts.
Exactly.
[screams]
I'm taking you in, Mask.
You're going to pay for what
you did to those orphans.
I'm innocent and I'll prove it.
I'll have my day in court.
They'll never convict
an innocent man!
Guilty!
And then again,
I could be wrong.
Now what we have here
is a failure to illuminate.
[gasps] No lights! How will
I scratch out my best-selling
prison diary?
Oh, this is barbaric!
It's cruel and unusual!
Nah, we do it all the time.
[chuckles]
They can't break me.
I'm strong! I'm tough! I'm mean!
[bird chirps]
Aww. Hi there, little birdie.
Are you lonely? I'll be your
friend.
[speaks gibberish]
Hiya. How you doing?
Good-looking tattoo.
Do it yourself? Nice.
Hi there, pal.
Nice to meet ya.
[grunts]
Quite a manly
grip you got there.
Mind if I sit in?
[grunts]
And that would translate to,
"Certainly, we'd be delighted
to have you join us."
So, what are we
playing for, gents?
Meat.
I'ma raise you a t-bone.
Bump you a porterhouse.
[man 1] I can do a New York.
[man 2] I'm filet mignon.
Wow! The steaks are
re... re... really high.
- Raise.
- Aw!
[chuckles] Read 'em and weep.
[horn sound]
Hold it! Three queens.
[queens]
We hereby declare: loser.
Ouch!
Barbeque in my cell
tonight, fellas.
I like my meat raw.
I kind of figured as much.
We got rules
against gambling, boy.
I'm sending you to solitary.
[electricity sizzles]
[laughing]
And so it begins.
[beeping]
Within hours my computer virus
will have infiltrated
every computer in Edge City.
[chuckles]
Power companies...
...airports...
...banks.
The infrastructure will crumble
and chaos shall rule supreme.
[laughs]
[grunting]
[panting]
This little piggy
went to market. And... ah!
Well, boy, your half hour's up.
I hope you learned your lesson.
Peggy?!
I came as soon as I could.
So how long are you in for?
Well, let me see, babe.
Today is Tuesday carry the four,
times two, five, seven...
...Wednesday, Thursday.
About 20 more years.
[man over PA]
Attention all prisoners.
Remain in your cells.
I repeat,
remain in your cells.
[all grunting]
Uh, it's happening
all over Edge City.
Everything hooked into computers
seems to be malfunctioning.
[man on PA] Attention.
All visitors must leave
the prison at once!
Oh, well I guess
that's about it then.
I baked it just like you asked.
Good luck.
Ahh! This hangnail
is so annoying.
Whoa, mister!
We don't go for none of that
personal hygiene business around
here.
Now you got that?
Maybe you want a little more
solitary confinement.
Oh, no please, Mr. Warden,
don't make me go back there.
I'll be ever so good.
I'm keeping my eyes on you boy.
Psst. Man, you got to chill
or you ain't gonna be around
for the big bust out.
[Mask] Did you say, "bust out"?
I'm all ears.
Yeah, the jail break's tonight.
We wanna be on the outside when
Pretorius works his big plan.
Screwing up all
the computer systems.
The whole city's
gonna be in chaos.
Ripe for easy pickin's.
Wow! How do you guys
know so much?
Oh, is it that fabled prison
grapevine I hear so much about?
Nah. Pretorius' aunt goes to the
beauty parlor my sister-in-law
works at.
[snickers] I ain't lyin',
those girls love to gab.
I did not know that.
Wait a minute!
Pretorius is screwing up
all the computers?
[tapping keys]
[beeping]
No!
Not my "Revenge of the
Galactic Snake Dancers" game!
That madman
has got to me stopped!
You got room for one more
in that jail break tonight?
Hold it right there!
We got you covered, fella!
Escape is impossible.
[up-tempo music plays]
Stay with me now!
[cop 1] Say, he's pretty good.
[cop 2] I couldn't agree more.
He couples a
technical proficiency
with a delightfully
jaunty nonchalance.
[crowd cheering]
Very impressed with his
performance.
Thank you!
hank you so very, very much!
But now, I must take my leave.
So long, suckers!
[snoring]
Let's move out, Doyle. The Mask
just busted out of prison.
[typing on computer]
[Pretorius] And now,
for the final phase.
Sending my new virus
out over the Internet!
After incapacitating
all of Edge City.
It will spread upward,
destroying every computer
system in the world!
I can see it all now:
Chaos, anarchy,
rioting in the streets!
How very lovely.
[electricity sizzling]
Yes! It's working!
Nope, sorry! Gotta disagree
with you there, junior.
No, it can't be!
You're in prison!
Don't just stand there. Get him!
Here I am!
Over here!
Missed me that time!
Nope, try again!
Shh. Don't tell anyone,
but I'm in this one.
We... we can't get to him.
[computer noises]
Hey, nice computer.
[inflating sound]
But it could use
a few more... bites!
[both screaming]
Ohh, I bet that
mega-hurts, huh?!
Your computer puns are as
mentally deficient as you are!
Well, that's too bad
because I got one more.
You mind if I, boot up?
[grunts]
[grunts]
[cop] Hold it
right there, creep!
I'm sending you back to prison.
And I'm sending you
to kingdom come.
[chewing]
Boy, lieutenant,
I guess this means the Mask
is probably innocent, huh?
You wanna bite?
[growls]
Oh, da... there.
Don't let it
get you down, pooksie.
I got a nice,
fat wedgie to cheer you up.
But first...!
Let me get that for you, sir.
[both screaming]
Here, try this one.
[grunts]
What do you say, audience?
Should we go
for door number three?
[crowd cheering]
You heard 'em.
Third time's the charm!
[bell dings]
[yelling]
[screams]
Let me out of here!
[choking]
You hear me?
Get me out of here!
[choking continues]
You know, payback is so sweet.
And so the
orphan little leaguers
finally have
their new uniforms.
All thanks to the Mask.
Smokin'!
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
[machine whirring]
That'll do it.
[laser shoots]
[grunts]
Excellent, now bring me
those computer chips.
Yep, you've got the touch,
Bernie. So shiny I can see
my face in 'em!
Papa's ready for some
stepping out tonight!
[horn honking]
[coughing]
All right, punks. When you start
messing with the patent leather,
you got trouble.
[siren blaring]
[gasps]
It's the cops!
Pull over. Do not pass "Go".
Do not collect $200.
Nice ring of authority,
don't you think?
Maybe we outta dump
the truck and hightail it.
No, you cowardly imbecile.
The merchandise is crucial
to my plan.
Hit the gas and outrun them.
I think we lost them.
[both scream]
Hi there, boys. Know where a
girl can get a hot fudge sundae
in this town?
It's the Mask!
Don't you dare
let him get the chips.
Did you say chips? All right!
[crunching sound]
Yuck! Must be those
newfangled fat-free kind.
Nothing a little salsa can fix.
[crunching sound]
[gulps]
[burps]
De-lic-ious!
Uh, somebody sound Taps,
'cause I'm about to
turn out your lights.
[both laughing]
[gun cocking sound]
[coughing]
Smokin'!
[Pretorius] With those
computer chips, I could've
implanted a virus
in enough computers
to bring down the city!
Now I'll have to
do it another way.
But I promise you this...
The Mask has interfered
with my plans for the last time!
I have to come up
with another plan.
What have we here?
Ah, a perfect print.
Fibers from the Mask's suit.
This should be all I need to get
him out of my hair for good.
With the help
of a couple of dimwit cops.
[birds chirping]
[man] Someone stole the orphan
little leaguer's cookie fund?
[children crying]
We kept all the
money in here officer.
And now it's gone.
They took all the cookies, too.
Boy, that's too bad.
Oh, my favorite's those
vanilla sandwich kind.
I like to separate the top from
the bottom and then just lick
out all that cream...
Shut up, Doyle.
And start looking for clues.
Hmm... no sign of forced entry.
Who else had
access to this room?
Well, no one.
[groans] Now the kids won't be
able to get their new uniforms.
[all crying]
We're dealing
with a real sicko here?
Now let me take a closer...
Ah-ha!
Looks like we've got a print.
Doyle, bag this
and get it down to the lab.
Right.
Not the magnifying glass,
you idiot. The jar.
Oh. [chuckles]
Good thinkin'.
Don't worry,
we'll nail this creep.
And when we do, he's going away
for a good, long time.
[man] I fed those prints into
the computer.
If he's ever had contact with
the police we'll have a match.
[dinging sound]
I knew it!
Gee, chief, hows come we got the
Mask's prints in our files?
He's never been arrested.
At least not by you, anyway.
That's what you think.
I busted him
two years ago for jaywalking.
What about that fiber?
[whirring]
See for yourself.
I've waited years
for this, Doyle.
But now I got him!
[laughing]
By now, that nitwit
law officer cop
will have fallen for the
evidence I planted.
You're not getting away this
time you green-faced cookie
snatcher.
[tires screeching]
You know, that battleship was
definitely not on our bumper
when we left the precinct, huh?
[cop] If we can't arrest him,
we'll hit him where it
hurts the most, his ego.
He thinks everybody loves him.
Well, think again, creep.
And at the heart wrenching
cries of these adorable
children,
fall upon the ears
of an outraged public.
The Mask remains the sole
suspect in this despicable
crime.
What do you mean I've been...
[gulps]
...banned?
I used to be an orphan little
leaguer myself, you creep.
[video game noises]
Stand back and watch kiddies,
'cause daddy's hot tonight!
[dinging]
Yes! I'm invincible!
I... ooh.
Here, maybe this will keep you
from stealing from orphans.
But I didn't do it.
Well, maybe you did.
Maybe you've got
one of those...
...split personalities.
Me, split personality?
That's just nuts.
Exactly.
[screams]
I'm taking you in, Mask.
You're going to pay for what
you did to those orphans.
I'm innocent and I'll prove it.
I'll have my day in court.
They'll never convict
an innocent man!
Guilty!
And then again,
I could be wrong.
Now what we have here
is a failure to illuminate.
[gasps] No lights! How will
I scratch out my best-selling
prison diary?
Oh, this is barbaric!
It's cruel and unusual!
Nah, we do it all the time.
[chuckles]
They can't break me.
I'm strong! I'm tough! I'm mean!
[bird chirps]
Aww. Hi there, little birdie.
Are you lonely? I'll be your
friend.
[speaks gibberish]
Hiya. How you doing?
Good-looking tattoo.
Do it yourself? Nice.
Hi there, pal.
Nice to meet ya.
[grunts]
Quite a manly
grip you got there.
Mind if I sit in?
[grunts]
And that would translate to,
"Certainly, we'd be delighted
to have you join us."
So, what are we
playing for, gents?
Meat.
I'ma raise you a t-bone.
Bump you a porterhouse.
[man 1] I can do a New York.
[man 2] I'm filet mignon.
Wow! The steaks are
re... re... really high.
- Raise.
- Aw!
[chuckles] Read 'em and weep.
[horn sound]
Hold it! Three queens.
[queens]
We hereby declare: loser.
Ouch!
Barbeque in my cell
tonight, fellas.
I like my meat raw.
I kind of figured as much.
We got rules
against gambling, boy.
I'm sending you to solitary.
[electricity sizzles]
[laughing]
And so it begins.
[beeping]
Within hours my computer virus
will have infiltrated
every computer in Edge City.
[chuckles]
Power companies...
...airports...
...banks.
The infrastructure will crumble
and chaos shall rule supreme.
[laughs]
[grunting]
[panting]
This little piggy
went to market. And... ah!
Well, boy, your half hour's up.
I hope you learned your lesson.
Peggy?!
I came as soon as I could.
So how long are you in for?
Well, let me see, babe.
Today is Tuesday carry the four,
times two, five, seven...
...Wednesday, Thursday.
About 20 more years.
[man over PA]
Attention all prisoners.
Remain in your cells.
I repeat,
remain in your cells.
[all grunting]
Uh, it's happening
all over Edge City.
Everything hooked into computers
seems to be malfunctioning.
[man on PA] Attention.
All visitors must leave
the prison at once!
Oh, well I guess
that's about it then.
I baked it just like you asked.
Good luck.
Ahh! This hangnail
is so annoying.
Whoa, mister!
We don't go for none of that
personal hygiene business around
here.
Now you got that?
Maybe you want a little more
solitary confinement.
Oh, no please, Mr. Warden,
don't make me go back there.
I'll be ever so good.
I'm keeping my eyes on you boy.
Psst. Man, you got to chill
or you ain't gonna be around
for the big bust out.
[Mask] Did you say, "bust out"?
I'm all ears.
Yeah, the jail break's tonight.
We wanna be on the outside when
Pretorius works his big plan.
Screwing up all
the computer systems.
The whole city's
gonna be in chaos.
Ripe for easy pickin's.
Wow! How do you guys
know so much?
Oh, is it that fabled prison
grapevine I hear so much about?
Nah. Pretorius' aunt goes to the
beauty parlor my sister-in-law
works at.
[snickers] I ain't lyin',
those girls love to gab.
I did not know that.
Wait a minute!
Pretorius is screwing up
all the computers?
[tapping keys]
[beeping]
No!
Not my "Revenge of the
Galactic Snake Dancers" game!
That madman
has got to me stopped!
You got room for one more
in that jail break tonight?
Hold it right there!
We got you covered, fella!
Escape is impossible.
[up-tempo music plays]
Stay with me now!
[cop 1] Say, he's pretty good.
[cop 2] I couldn't agree more.
He couples a
technical proficiency
with a delightfully
jaunty nonchalance.
[crowd cheering]
Very impressed with his
performance.
Thank you!
hank you so very, very much!
But now, I must take my leave.
So long, suckers!
[snoring]
Let's move out, Doyle. The Mask
just busted out of prison.
[typing on computer]
[Pretorius] And now,
for the final phase.
Sending my new virus
out over the Internet!
After incapacitating
all of Edge City.
It will spread upward,
destroying every computer
system in the world!
I can see it all now:
Chaos, anarchy,
rioting in the streets!
How very lovely.
[electricity sizzling]
Yes! It's working!
Nope, sorry! Gotta disagree
with you there, junior.
No, it can't be!
You're in prison!
Don't just stand there. Get him!
Here I am!
Over here!
Missed me that time!
Nope, try again!
Shh. Don't tell anyone,
but I'm in this one.
We... we can't get to him.
[computer noises]
Hey, nice computer.
[inflating sound]
But it could use
a few more... bites!
[both screaming]
Ohh, I bet that
mega-hurts, huh?!
Your computer puns are as
mentally deficient as you are!
Well, that's too bad
because I got one more.
You mind if I, boot up?
[grunts]
[grunts]
[cop] Hold it
right there, creep!
I'm sending you back to prison.
And I'm sending you
to kingdom come.
[chewing]
Boy, lieutenant,
I guess this means the Mask
is probably innocent, huh?
You wanna bite?
[growls]
Oh, da... there.
Don't let it
get you down, pooksie.
I got a nice,
fat wedgie to cheer you up.
But first...!
Let me get that for you, sir.
[both screaming]
Here, try this one.
[grunts]
What do you say, audience?
Should we go
for door number three?
[crowd cheering]
You heard 'em.
Third time's the charm!
[bell dings]
[yelling]
[screams]
Let me out of here!
[choking]
You hear me?
Get me out of here!
[choking continues]
You know, payback is so sweet.
And so the
orphan little leaguers
finally have
their new uniforms.
All thanks to the Mask.
Smokin'!