The Mask (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 20 - Love Potion Number 8 1/2 - full transcript
[yelling]
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
Nobody move,
or I blow this place sky-high!
[screaming]
Mama mia!
That's a spicy meatball!
[belches]
Another case of heartburn
from my least favorite cook.
Issue one: the chef.
Why is he disgruntled?
And was he ever truly gruntled
in the first place?
My brother, Giuseppe, he stole
all of my recipes and fire me!
So now I am gonna fire him!
Wrong! Next issue:
what are your demands?
Love ya, babe, always let your
agent handle the negotiations.
You want a million dollars?
A helicopter?
And a year's supply of
Scalp So Bright!
America's favorite head polish!
[sirens wailing]
Did you hear that?
They're sending in a SWAT team!
[guns cocking]
♪ Da-da-da-da!
Da-da-da-da! ♪♪
All right, Luigi!
Hands over your head!
I'll find ya.
Quick, this way!
Quick, hide in here.
Now where's that light switch?
Don't worry, Luigi.
Soon you'll be rollin' in dough.
♪ La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la ♪♪
Help! Help me, please!
You gotta save me from
the little green man!
[sniffs] And now back to the
lovely Kelly.
This is the bill
for ruining my dress,
and if that jerk Stanley
Ipkiss ever shows up,
tell him to lose my number!
[screams]
[sniffles]
[chattering]
All right, so my date with
Kelly was a total disaster.
Fine, but I still
don't understand
how bringing Milo here
is gonna to help?
Watch and learn.
With a little Charlie magic,
that dog is about to become
the ultimate babe magnet!
[growling]
[whining]
Three, two, one...
[panting]
- How cute!
- Aren't they, like, adorable?
What's its little name?
Good evening, ladies.
I'm Charlie Schumaker,
billionaire playboy.
Um, Charlie? Charlie!
Oh.
[woman]
Fired? Me?
But I am Madam Suspiria,
mistress of mystery.
You and that phony gypsy act
are washed up, passe, old hat.
When this gig's over,
so are you.
You're gonna regret this,
Admiral.
What happened?
Our family once held the
greatest magic
in all of Carpathia.
Huh, but now...
Oh, Grandma, what happened to
the source of the old magic?
[Stanley] Hello? Is this
where I get my fortune told?
Oy.
Madam Suspiria knows all,
Mister...
Ipkiss.
Obey my will, celestial sphere,
and make the future
crystal clear.
Oh, I see trouble
in your future.
Wow!
[gasping] I see you
surrounded by great wealth.
I do work in a bank.
I see...
Huh?
Oh, such power!
Is something wrong?
[Charlie] There you are!
Your dog was stealing all
my action, Stanley.
[panting]
Hey, here you go, Stan.
A love potion.
Pay for it and let's
get going.
Be careful!
One drop and any member of the
opposite sex who sees your face
will fall hopelessly,
madly in love with you!
Mask? Mask? Mask? Ah!
Is it possible?
Can that guy really
possess the secrets to
our family's old magic?
When I get it back and combine
its power with this...
those ancient powers will
finally be ours again!
Hey, Stan, wanna try
an experiment?
[applause]
[growls]
[yipping]
Whoa! Whoa!
[yipping]
Hey, Stan, you mind if I...
Sorry, Charlie,
I'm confiscating this potion
on behalf of women everywhere.
Milo!
[yipping]
Celestial sphere,
perform this task,
reveal to me the ancient mask.
[laughs] It works!
The mask's power must
be great indeed!
The most powerful artifact
in the world,
and this idiot keeps it
with his laundry.
Mm, but not for long.
[laughs]
A love potion that
actually works?
Heh, I wonder what's in it.
[sniffing]
Eww!
[pounding, yipping]
Ipkiss! What are all these dogs
doing out here?
[yipping]
[grunts]
[yells]
Ipkiss, what is this?
What are you looking at?
What is this vision
I see before me?
Mrs. Peenman, your beauty
shines as bright as the sun.
Very funny, Ipkiss.
Keep it up, and I'll
give you a fat lip!
Ah!
Put a lid on it!
And get those dogs
out of my building!
Pronto!
She is the shrill heartbeat
of my dreams.
And I know she'll
love me, too.
I got all the magic
I need right here.
[yipping]
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[knock on door]
Chocolates, I'll take.
At last!
My family's name's
going to be restored.
And then I'll get even
with Admiral Wombat,
and all the others
who called me passe.
So, my power's washed up,
is it?
Forces beyond all imagination
will soon be mine!
[barking, yipping]
[pants]
No! Bring that back!
[knocking]
Ah!
The throbbing in
my foot pales before the
throbbing of my heart.
[French accent] Oh,
my little mise-en-scene.
The creme in my latte.
The fruit of my loom!
[bell rings]
My salisbury steak's done.
I'd invite you to stay
for dinner, but frankly,
you disgust me.
I will count les moments
until your return.
Milo, what are you doing here?
Hey! No! Oh, no, no!
Not now!
[yelling]
Smokin'!
No, not while I was so close.
Hup! Hup! Hey! Hup!
Ahooga!
[howls]
[wolf whistles]
[cries] No!
What wind through yonder
window breaks!
[cries] No!
Peenman O Peenman!
Wherefore art thou going,
Peenman?
[screaming]
But I'm carrying
such a torch for you!
[pants]
[screaming]
Light my fire!
Go ahead,
make my date.
I shall treat you like a queen.
[crying] Hello, 911?
I wanna report a maniac
on the loose!
I'm filling your hide
with rock salt.
Now, now, you know the effect
of salt on high blood pressure.
[Mrs. Peenman] No!
[crying] No!
[Tarzan yell]
Huh? This wouldn't be the place
we got all those calls about?
Huh, lieutenant?
[grunts]
If love is a crime,
then find me guilty!
Arrest that lunatic!
Anything you say,
light of my life.
Backs up, I tells ya!
I seen her first!
Oh, yeah?
[both grunting]
- [bell rings]
- Where'd she go?
Peenman! Peenman!
Mrs. Peenman!
[snoring]
[grumbles] What?
Yes, of course I'll
still respect you, Mrs. Pee...
[yells]
Oh, man! Talk about the
mother of all nightmares!
[chuckles] I dreamed I was,
like, madly in love
with, of all people,
Mrs. P...
P...
[screams]
[sputters, gurgles]
[pants]
[whines]
Thanks, Milo.
[sighs] At last, I've found
the love of my life.
What am I saying?
Only one person can help me now.
Yes, that's it. That's it.
Play right into my hands.
Is anybody home?
Ah, young Mr. Ipkiss.
And why have the fates
brought you once again
to Madam Suspiria?
I need something
that'll undo this.
It made me fall in love with
the completely wrong person!
Fear not, my young friend.
The potion will wear off,
unless...
You didn't use some other
magical device at the same time,
did you?
[gulps] Um, s-supposing I did.
Then the love potion's effects
would be permanent.
No!
Oh, please.
Please, you gotta help me!
Please, oh, please, oh, please,
oh, please, oh, please!
Very well, Mr. Ipkiss.
But I will need the magical
object you used.
Well, I did bring it along.
You know, just in case.
Now, quickly,
give me the mask!
Boy, you're good.
How'd you know it was a mask?
Time grows short.
Do you want the spell
lifted or not?
Yes. [laughs]
Yes! Yes!
[speaking foreign language]
So that's it?
My troubles are over?
Your troubles, perhaps.
But Admiral Wombat's troubles
are only beginning.
And now... revenge!
[screaming]
[carnival music playing]
[screaming]
[growling]
I hope this still works.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
Oh, man!
I'm stirred and shaken!
And where's that draft
coming from?
[Scottish accent] 'Tisn't
exactly what I had in mind.
Huh? I cannot change!
[screaming]
[Madam Suspiria]
Where is he?
Where is the fool who calls
himself Admiral Wombat?
I ain't no fool,
I'm outta here.
Now see here,
little miss fancy pants.
Begone, little man.
[screams]
Hey, I'm getting stronger!
I can change!
Maybe not a useful change, but
you take what you get, right?
Now, if I can just
keep Miss Congeniality
throwing magic back
my way...
[laughs]
Oh, Madam Diphtheria!
You couldn't hit the
broad side of a mask!
Time for you to get
your just deserts.
[laughing]
Oh, no cherry on top?
♪ To dance calypso
is my favorite bag ♪
♪ And you ain't nothing
but a wrinkled hag ♪♪
You dare to mock me?
Then suffer my wrath!
[roaring]
Whoa! Total bummer!
Now that was like
totally groovy!
You! You're to blame for this!
Hey, that wasn't me, man.
It was that wigged-out
flea-market looking lady!
Not that! This!
You've got a lot to answer for,
my green-faced friend.
[roaring]
Ha! Sayonara, lieutenant-san.
Enough of this foolishness!
Where is Admiral Wombat?
He must pay for his insolence!
Oh! [tsking]
My magic is washed up,
is it? Passe? Old hat?
[growling]
You know, four out of five
dentists surveyed
recommend wearing a retainer
for straighter, brighter teeth.
[yodels]
What a lovely fashion statement!
May I?
[grunts]
Now to jumpstart the face!
Smokin'!
You can't stop Madam Suspiria,
you... [yelling]
I can't bear to watch!
This just isn't my day.
Stupid love potion!
Get out of here.
No, no, no!
[cheering]
[Stanley] Out of sight,
out of mind.
And those guys are definitely
out of their minds.
Well, that should keep the old
crone busy for a while.
Every man at Edge City wants to
sample her goulash.
Every man, hmm.
Leaving every single woman
dateless on Saturday night.
This looks like a job for...
me.
[screaming]
Somebody stop me!
♪ I got ya with
my winning smile ♪
♪ I'm a living lesson
in flair and style ♪
♪ You just can't help but
stare at my savoir-faire ♪
♪ I'm Nouveau, Deco,
Roman-Greco ♪
♪ Rococo, Barroco ♪
♪ Be-bop, hip-hop, flip-flop ♪
Somebody stop me!
♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪
Don't come a dime a dozen,
I stand out of the crowd!
♪ Babe when they made me
Yeah they broke the mold! ♪
Wholesome and kind,
staid and refined,
totally out of my mind!
♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er-do-wells ♪
♪ Had better learn to
decorate prison cells ♪
Green goes with anything
if they ask, see?
♪ Well there's one last
thing I gotta sing about ♪
Open up wide and really shout!
Whoa, look out!
♪ This is the Mask! ♪♪
Smokin'!
Nobody move,
or I blow this place sky-high!
[screaming]
Mama mia!
That's a spicy meatball!
[belches]
Another case of heartburn
from my least favorite cook.
Issue one: the chef.
Why is he disgruntled?
And was he ever truly gruntled
in the first place?
My brother, Giuseppe, he stole
all of my recipes and fire me!
So now I am gonna fire him!
Wrong! Next issue:
what are your demands?
Love ya, babe, always let your
agent handle the negotiations.
You want a million dollars?
A helicopter?
And a year's supply of
Scalp So Bright!
America's favorite head polish!
[sirens wailing]
Did you hear that?
They're sending in a SWAT team!
[guns cocking]
♪ Da-da-da-da!
Da-da-da-da! ♪♪
All right, Luigi!
Hands over your head!
I'll find ya.
Quick, this way!
Quick, hide in here.
Now where's that light switch?
Don't worry, Luigi.
Soon you'll be rollin' in dough.
♪ La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la ♪♪
Help! Help me, please!
You gotta save me from
the little green man!
[sniffs] And now back to the
lovely Kelly.
This is the bill
for ruining my dress,
and if that jerk Stanley
Ipkiss ever shows up,
tell him to lose my number!
[screams]
[sniffles]
[chattering]
All right, so my date with
Kelly was a total disaster.
Fine, but I still
don't understand
how bringing Milo here
is gonna to help?
Watch and learn.
With a little Charlie magic,
that dog is about to become
the ultimate babe magnet!
[growling]
[whining]
Three, two, one...
[panting]
- How cute!
- Aren't they, like, adorable?
What's its little name?
Good evening, ladies.
I'm Charlie Schumaker,
billionaire playboy.
Um, Charlie? Charlie!
Oh.
[woman]
Fired? Me?
But I am Madam Suspiria,
mistress of mystery.
You and that phony gypsy act
are washed up, passe, old hat.
When this gig's over,
so are you.
You're gonna regret this,
Admiral.
What happened?
Our family once held the
greatest magic
in all of Carpathia.
Huh, but now...
Oh, Grandma, what happened to
the source of the old magic?
[Stanley] Hello? Is this
where I get my fortune told?
Oy.
Madam Suspiria knows all,
Mister...
Ipkiss.
Obey my will, celestial sphere,
and make the future
crystal clear.
Oh, I see trouble
in your future.
Wow!
[gasping] I see you
surrounded by great wealth.
I do work in a bank.
I see...
Huh?
Oh, such power!
Is something wrong?
[Charlie] There you are!
Your dog was stealing all
my action, Stanley.
[panting]
Hey, here you go, Stan.
A love potion.
Pay for it and let's
get going.
Be careful!
One drop and any member of the
opposite sex who sees your face
will fall hopelessly,
madly in love with you!
Mask? Mask? Mask? Ah!
Is it possible?
Can that guy really
possess the secrets to
our family's old magic?
When I get it back and combine
its power with this...
those ancient powers will
finally be ours again!
Hey, Stan, wanna try
an experiment?
[applause]
[growls]
[yipping]
Whoa! Whoa!
[yipping]
Hey, Stan, you mind if I...
Sorry, Charlie,
I'm confiscating this potion
on behalf of women everywhere.
Milo!
[yipping]
Celestial sphere,
perform this task,
reveal to me the ancient mask.
[laughs] It works!
The mask's power must
be great indeed!
The most powerful artifact
in the world,
and this idiot keeps it
with his laundry.
Mm, but not for long.
[laughs]
A love potion that
actually works?
Heh, I wonder what's in it.
[sniffing]
Eww!
[pounding, yipping]
Ipkiss! What are all these dogs
doing out here?
[yipping]
[grunts]
[yells]
Ipkiss, what is this?
What are you looking at?
What is this vision
I see before me?
Mrs. Peenman, your beauty
shines as bright as the sun.
Very funny, Ipkiss.
Keep it up, and I'll
give you a fat lip!
Ah!
Put a lid on it!
And get those dogs
out of my building!
Pronto!
She is the shrill heartbeat
of my dreams.
And I know she'll
love me, too.
I got all the magic
I need right here.
[yipping]
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[knock on door]
Chocolates, I'll take.
At last!
My family's name's
going to be restored.
And then I'll get even
with Admiral Wombat,
and all the others
who called me passe.
So, my power's washed up,
is it?
Forces beyond all imagination
will soon be mine!
[barking, yipping]
[pants]
No! Bring that back!
[knocking]
Ah!
The throbbing in
my foot pales before the
throbbing of my heart.
[French accent] Oh,
my little mise-en-scene.
The creme in my latte.
The fruit of my loom!
[bell rings]
My salisbury steak's done.
I'd invite you to stay
for dinner, but frankly,
you disgust me.
I will count les moments
until your return.
Milo, what are you doing here?
Hey! No! Oh, no, no!
Not now!
[yelling]
Smokin'!
No, not while I was so close.
Hup! Hup! Hey! Hup!
Ahooga!
[howls]
[wolf whistles]
[cries] No!
What wind through yonder
window breaks!
[cries] No!
Peenman O Peenman!
Wherefore art thou going,
Peenman?
[screaming]
But I'm carrying
such a torch for you!
[pants]
[screaming]
Light my fire!
Go ahead,
make my date.
I shall treat you like a queen.
[crying] Hello, 911?
I wanna report a maniac
on the loose!
I'm filling your hide
with rock salt.
Now, now, you know the effect
of salt on high blood pressure.
[Mrs. Peenman] No!
[crying] No!
[Tarzan yell]
Huh? This wouldn't be the place
we got all those calls about?
Huh, lieutenant?
[grunts]
If love is a crime,
then find me guilty!
Arrest that lunatic!
Anything you say,
light of my life.
Backs up, I tells ya!
I seen her first!
Oh, yeah?
[both grunting]
- [bell rings]
- Where'd she go?
Peenman! Peenman!
Mrs. Peenman!
[snoring]
[grumbles] What?
Yes, of course I'll
still respect you, Mrs. Pee...
[yells]
Oh, man! Talk about the
mother of all nightmares!
[chuckles] I dreamed I was,
like, madly in love
with, of all people,
Mrs. P...
P...
[screams]
[sputters, gurgles]
[pants]
[whines]
Thanks, Milo.
[sighs] At last, I've found
the love of my life.
What am I saying?
Only one person can help me now.
Yes, that's it. That's it.
Play right into my hands.
Is anybody home?
Ah, young Mr. Ipkiss.
And why have the fates
brought you once again
to Madam Suspiria?
I need something
that'll undo this.
It made me fall in love with
the completely wrong person!
Fear not, my young friend.
The potion will wear off,
unless...
You didn't use some other
magical device at the same time,
did you?
[gulps] Um, s-supposing I did.
Then the love potion's effects
would be permanent.
No!
Oh, please.
Please, you gotta help me!
Please, oh, please, oh, please,
oh, please, oh, please!
Very well, Mr. Ipkiss.
But I will need the magical
object you used.
Well, I did bring it along.
You know, just in case.
Now, quickly,
give me the mask!
Boy, you're good.
How'd you know it was a mask?
Time grows short.
Do you want the spell
lifted or not?
Yes. [laughs]
Yes! Yes!
[speaking foreign language]
So that's it?
My troubles are over?
Your troubles, perhaps.
But Admiral Wombat's troubles
are only beginning.
And now... revenge!
[screaming]
[carnival music playing]
[screaming]
[growling]
I hope this still works.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
Oh, man!
I'm stirred and shaken!
And where's that draft
coming from?
[Scottish accent] 'Tisn't
exactly what I had in mind.
Huh? I cannot change!
[screaming]
[Madam Suspiria]
Where is he?
Where is the fool who calls
himself Admiral Wombat?
I ain't no fool,
I'm outta here.
Now see here,
little miss fancy pants.
Begone, little man.
[screams]
Hey, I'm getting stronger!
I can change!
Maybe not a useful change, but
you take what you get, right?
Now, if I can just
keep Miss Congeniality
throwing magic back
my way...
[laughs]
Oh, Madam Diphtheria!
You couldn't hit the
broad side of a mask!
Time for you to get
your just deserts.
[laughing]
Oh, no cherry on top?
♪ To dance calypso
is my favorite bag ♪
♪ And you ain't nothing
but a wrinkled hag ♪♪
You dare to mock me?
Then suffer my wrath!
[roaring]
Whoa! Total bummer!
Now that was like
totally groovy!
You! You're to blame for this!
Hey, that wasn't me, man.
It was that wigged-out
flea-market looking lady!
Not that! This!
You've got a lot to answer for,
my green-faced friend.
[roaring]
Ha! Sayonara, lieutenant-san.
Enough of this foolishness!
Where is Admiral Wombat?
He must pay for his insolence!
Oh! [tsking]
My magic is washed up,
is it? Passe? Old hat?
[growling]
You know, four out of five
dentists surveyed
recommend wearing a retainer
for straighter, brighter teeth.
[yodels]
What a lovely fashion statement!
May I?
[grunts]
Now to jumpstart the face!
Smokin'!
You can't stop Madam Suspiria,
you... [yelling]
I can't bear to watch!
This just isn't my day.
Stupid love potion!
Get out of here.
No, no, no!
[cheering]
[Stanley] Out of sight,
out of mind.
And those guys are definitely
out of their minds.
Well, that should keep the old
crone busy for a while.
Every man at Edge City wants to
sample her goulash.
Every man, hmm.
Leaving every single woman
dateless on Saturday night.
This looks like a job for...
me.
[screaming]
Somebody stop me!