The Mask (1995–1997): Season 1, Episode 9 - Shrink Rap - full transcript

♪ I've got ya
with my winning smile ♪

♪ I'm a livin' lesson
in flair and style ♪

♪ You just can't help
but stare at my savoir-faire ♪

♪ And I'm Nouveau Deco
Roman-Greco ♪

♪ Rococo Barroco Be-bop
Hip-hop, flip-flop ♪

♪ Somebody stop me ♪

♪ Pretty viridian
faces like mine ♪

♪ Don't come a dime a dozen ♪

♪ I stand out of the crowd ♪

♪ They went, they made me
yeah they broke the mold ♪

♪ Wholesome and kind
staid and refined ♪



♪ Totally out of my mind ♪

♪ Arch-villains
and ne'er do wells ♪

♪ Had better learn to decorate
prison cells ♪

♪ Green goes with anything
if they ask see ♪

♪ Well there's one last thing
I gotta sing about ♪

♪ Open up wide
and really shout ♪

♪ Oh look out ♪

♪ This is the Mask ♪

♪ Ssmookiinn' ♪

[instrumental music]

[all screaming]

Un-hand that uranium,
Pretorius.

Not uranium, plutonium.

Snob. Alright, I asked you nice.



phoo

clack clack clack

Ah.

Dibs.

whizz

[all screaming]

Blah. Right, I'll go.

[screaming]

Don't get a-head of yourself.

[grunting]

Gotta...manoeuvre...get it.
Charlie horse.

[horn blaring]

thud

[instrumental music]

[whistles]

thud thud thud

I love waiting
to the last second.

Builds suspense.

whack

He's a miracle of science.

But still fit to be tied.

Hmm, now what did I forget?

That's right. Lethal green
radioactive blob.

[all screaming]

thud thud thud

Nobody panic.

Whoa! That's hot.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Huh, here we go.
Oh, yeah. Ha ha.

It's all in the wrists.

[applauding]

Don't try this at home, folks.

Plutonium is a highly
unstable radioactive isotope.

[crash]

thud

Hand over my plutonium.
Or else.

Could you elaborate on...
"Or else."

clang

Hey, Swiss Army guy.
Got a can opener?

The train's gonna crash.

[horn blaring]

This can only mean one thing.
Soda pop will have to wait.

Okay, you win.

whizz

clink

thud

Upper body strength.

Nobody wants gum stuck
in their shoes, right?

squish squish

Wrong.

[horn blaring]

[wheels screeching]

cluck cluck cluck

Smokin'.

[sirens blaring]

[instrumental music]

thud

Ah guys, we're alive.

[crowd blabbering]

Secure the stolen uranium, boys.

(Doyle)
'Oh, a second there. I think
it's plutonium, lieutenant.'

Don't contradict me, Doyle.

Is this the stop
for the Coco Bongo?

Freeze, clown.

For you.
And for you.

- Aw!
- 'Careful. It's hot.'

He sure makes our job easier,
don't he, lieutenant?

Doyle.

Incidentally.
Wedgie!

(Mitch)
'Get back here.'

whizz

I singed my hands with the
plutonium.

I wretched my back
doing the Limbo

and I didn't get any sleep
because the Mask

partied till dawn again.

Ow, okay, so maybe
I did save the city.

But then I gave
the entire police squad wedgies.

What's a five letter word for,
did you say wedgie?

You know, I really wouldn't mind
giving the Mask away

Doctor Neuman. But there's
no one I can trust with it.

Mr. Ipkiss, I find your
fantasies intriguing.

I recommend you visit
a safe haven for them.

Wh-what? You don't believe
the Mask is real?

I'll believe you
if you promise to go away.

You think, I'm crazy, don't you?

I don't think you're crazy,
Mr. Ipkiss.

I think, you're making it all up
because you enjoy annoying me.

Now, good bye, Mr. Ipkiss.

I'll prove to you
the Mask is real.

tring

Examine a criminally
insane prisoner?

After Ipkiss that'll be
a welcome relief.

Seven o'clock this evening
would be fine.

[instrumental music]

[barking]

Not now, Milo. I've gotta see
a man about a Mask.

[barking]

Milo, not now.

Okay, we're gonna prove
to Neuman you're for real.

Now, stretch your stuff.

[thunder]

[theme music]

boing

boing

Doctor Neuman.

splosh

thud

Where'd he go?
Where'd he go?

(announcer)
'Track two. The express train..'

[instrumental music]

vroom

There's a something
about a train..

...make me nervous.
You never know--

Crash.

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

boing

A Gremlin.
A Gremlin.

He'll destroy the train.
I tell you.

It's okay. I'm a psychiatrist.

Somebody stop me.

(male #1)
'He's at the window.'

In the name of all that's holy,
look out the window.

Of course, he's in the window.
Calm down, we'll have a look.

Please, take my card.

[Milo panting]

[instrumental music]

And now, the inevitable
encounter between the real

the bonafide, who you
see before you mask

and el skeptico doctoro.

I'll fry that degenerate clown
for assaulting a police officer

if I get my hands on him.

But first..

whizz

(Mask)
'Wedgie.'

[police officers screaming]

whizz

After him, men.

[instrumental music]

whizz

[static]

Ah, my safe haven.

Help me, Doctor Neuman.
Stop me before I wedgie again.

Mr. Ipkiss, I can have you
arrested for stalking, you know.

Go ahead. Call the police.

You'll see, they are wearing
their underwear

over their heads.

I don't care if you believe me.
Take it.

You're the only person
I can trust.

You're a psychotherapist.

[growls]

A dog? I have
a pathological fear of dogs.

They can sense fear.

[barking]

Uh, uh, go away.
Uh, uh.

Don't, Milo.

Okay, I'll take the mask.

Just promise you'll
take your dog and go away.

[instrumental music]

(singing)
Don't got no mask,
don't you dare ask

'cause I ain't got no mask.
No, no, no.

[barking]

What? Doctor Neuman?
Wear the mask?

Ha ha. Don't be ridiculous,
Milo.

He's not even curious.

He'd never put it on
in a million years.

Hmm, it sparkles.
Like a Christmas tree.

But what if he did put it on?

[tires screeching]

thud

Why do you insist on
annoying me, Mr. Ipkiss?

Doctor Neuman,
you wearing the mask?

Your fantasies about the mask,
aren't just hallucinations.

Feelings of persecution,
transference and denial.

I'm not the one in denial.

In short, you Mr. Ipkiss are
suffering from ipkissiomaskosis.

For your own safety you must
be straightjacketed.

Wedgie.

And now we must get you
into that safe haven at once.

There maybe others like
Ipkiss out there.

I must cure the world before
it's too late.

boing

boing boing boing

[growling]

Okay, so you were right.

Keep going, Milo. Come on,
buddy. You almost got it.

Milo, what are you doing?

[barking]

You're stuck?

[whimpering]

Look, there's no time to lose.
We have to find Doctor Neuman.

Ah-ha.

Regressive and infantile
childhood fantasies.

A clear case
of ipkissiomaskosis.

You maniac. Help! Police!
Please, somebody help me.

Hmm, manifesting social
impulses toward authority.

Another sign
of ipkissiomaskosis.

thud

vroom

[instrumental music]

A truly pathetic case
of ipkissiomaskosis.

growl

You must be isolated
from normal society.

boing boing boing

[instrumental music]

Now, look at these
and tell me what you see.

Babe, babe, babe..

Ah-ugh, the Mask?

tick tock tick tock

A classic case
of ipkissiomaskosis.

Ipkissiomaskosis?
You mean, as in Stanley Ipkiss?

You know him?

Sure, he's a pal of mine.

And you did not report
into the proper authority?

This calls for emergency
corrective treatments.

- What do you have in mind?
- I'm gonna remove your brain.

[Charlie screams]

beep beep beep

Oh-oh, I almost forgot.

I have an appointment
at the jail house.

I'm afraid we'll have
to schedule another session.

whizz

thud

boing boing boing

[dramatic music]

E-uh, uh, sir. Hi. Listen,
can you help me?

[screams]

Two-headed monster!

Stanley. Stanley.
Oh, over here.

Stanley.

Charlie, buddy. Listen.

Did you see
where the green guy went?

Y-you mean, the one wearing
the-the mask?

Yeah, any particular reason?

Yes, he's, uh, he's got rabies.
Milo bit him.

[barks]

You see that, see that?

We gotta get him
to the doctor. He's delirious.

Yeah, I'll say.
He wanted to remove my brain.

Anyway, he-he said
he was going to the jail house.

Good. Get me out of this thing,
will ya?

(Doctor Neuman)
'I have an appointment
to examine a prisoner.'

- Doctor Neuman?
- Yes.

I better double check
your clearance.

Don't mess with me.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.

Uh, cell 18.
Straight down the hall.

[instrumental music]

Doctor Neuman, I presume.
I see you're wearing the mask.

Your condition is obvious.

Yet another victim
of the dreaded ipkissiomaskosis.

Utter nonsense.

I'll tell you
why they've put me here.

I've discovered the mysterious,
illusive planet Vulcan.

(Pretorius)
'The home planet
of our ancient ancestors.'

'Who visit us
every 36 hundred years'

'when their orbit nears ours.'

'They, who gave us the
technology to build Pyramids'

'and Stonehenge.'

'I need my plutonium back.'

'For my proving their existence
depends entirely'

on the nuclear destruction
of Edge city.

[instrumental music]

They were right.
You are completely insane.

We're two peas in a pod.
The world belongs to us.

vroom

I demand this man be released
into my custody immediately.

[door creaking]

Tell me more about
the music of the spheres.

'Your genius inspires me.'

You have served you purpose.
Now I must be on with my plan.

Need I remind you that
you're under my care?

Gaze upon the heavens.

The cosmos is but
a macrocosm of the human mind.

Look and you shall see.

I-I don't see anything.

thump

[instrumental music]

Yes, I do see it.
You're a genius.

Good riddance.

'Don't go.'

I have so much
to learn from you.

[barking]

There he is, Milo.
After him.

[dramatic music]

buzz

whoosh

[dramatic music]

(Doctor Neuman)
'Yoo-hoo. Mr. Pretorius.'

Here I am.
Please, tell me your plan.

[music continues]

He's workin' with Pretorius.

Open my mind.
Release me from my darkness.

I will tell you my plan
if you promise to go away.

Yes, yes, master.

You see this innocuous looking
black box.

It is actually
a high-powered camera

'capable of photographing
a license plate on Pluto.'

(Pretorius)
'But the nether regions
of outer space'

'are dark and murky and
the photos all come out lousy.'

'So I need the plutonium
to drop a nuclear warhead'

'on Edge city.'

'I have no interest
in destroying the city, per se.'

'But the blinding flash
will provide enough light'

'to photograph
our alien ancestors on Vulcan.'

Not to mention, rid the city of
that dreaded ipkissiamaskosis.

I like it.

I take advise from that guy?
He's mad. They're both mad.

Milo, we gotta
stop that missile.

[dramatic music]

Perhaps, you can be
of assistance.

Destroy that man.

It's my professional duty.

[dramatic music]

[screams]

Heh, come on, come on, you.
Get up.

Come back, Mr. Ipkiss.

'You're over due
for your lobotomy.'

bang

boing

[music continues]

click

click

Countdown.

[gasping]

[instrumental music]

[water splashing]

What the..

rizz

clang clang clang

boink

clang clang clang

clang clang clang

[panting]

clang clang clang

Oh.

Yeow.

[screaming]

[gasping]

Seven.

Six.

I'll cure you for good with
a little electric shock therapy.

You're not yourself.

'You're out of control.'

Huh, you're suffering from
ipkissiomaskosis.

Ha ha ha.

You think, I'll fall for that
reverse psychology trick?

You forget that I'm
a trained psychotherapist.

Ha ha ha.

[music continues]

Ha. Your fly is open.

Huh?

Yeow.

pew

whizz

thud

Milo, frisbee.

Four.

Three.

One.
Take off.

click

whizz

Smoki..

[dramatic music]

Hee-haw.
Go on there, cowboy. Whoa!

beep beep beep

[dramatic music]

snip

snip snip

New plan.

Cheese, pickles.
Easy on the green peppers.

whoosh

Umm-oh.

[dramatic music]

That's right. I'm gonna eat it.

boing

bang

click click click

burp

Oh, should've left off
those green peppers.

beep

Fools at the Nobel prize board.
Eat your hearts out.

click

[dramatic music]

Argh.

Now than, just one last bit
of unfinished business.

[screaming]

Well, Doctor Neuman,
now do you believe me?

Doctor Neuman?

Nice doggy. Nice doggy.