The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Doink - full transcript
Midge dives into a new line of work and makes some quirky friends along the way. Susie continues her emphatic quest to keep Midge's career moving forward, but gets hit with a couple ...
♪ I adore being dressed
in something frilly ♪
♪ When my date comes to get me
at my place ♪
♪ Out I go with my Joe
or John or Billy ♪
♪ Like a filly who is ready
at the race ♪
♪ When I have
a brand-new hairdo ♪
♪ With my eyelashes
all in curls ♪
♪ I float as the clouds
on air do ♪
♪ I enjoy being a girl ♪
♪ When men say I'm cute... ♪
Good morning, ladies.
Eighth floor, please.
-Third floor, please.
-Fifth for me.
Thank you, ladies.
-You make it look easy.
-Ma'am?
Operating the elevator,
like it's second nature.
Yes, ma'am.
Although I'm sure it's way more
complicated than it looks,
-a testament to your skill.
-(elevator bell dings)
Third floor.
♪ I drool over dresses
made of lace ♪
♪ I talk on the telephone... ♪
Good job.
So, how do you like working
for B. Altman?
Well, I've been here
for 16 years.
A ringing endorsement.
How many times a day do you
think that you open this...
-(elevator bell dings)
-Fifth floor.
Ooh, that's me.
Smooth as silk.
Thank you, Darren.
Love the outfit.
♪ Who'll enjoy being a guy ♪
♪ Having a girl ♪
♪ Like... ♪
Good to see you again,
Frank. Take care.
Mrs. Maisel.
Beautiful printing.
I've got a pretty mean
cursive, too.
Brearley and Bryn Mawr,
I have no doubt.
So, you're prepping
for Christmas?
The display department
always likes to get a nice jump.
Never too early
to scout for Santas.
Lots of jolly choices out there.
Oh, we screen them
fresh every year.
Make sure they're still plump,
still personable, still sober.
So much to think about.
So, you majored
in Russian Literature.
With a minor in Education.
For a split second,
I thought about being
a grammar school teacher.
-What happened?
-I met some grammar school kids.
(Midge chuckles)
No, seriously, I married
straight out of college
and had children of my own.
Two, actually.
Started my own grammar school,
if you will.
And you're here for our
elevator operator position?
Yes, sir.
We usually hire men
for that job.
Oh. The ad didn't say.
I just think that
our lady shoppers
-prefer men in the position.
-I get that.
Not a lot of practical
work experience
on your résumé, either.
But lots of volunteer work.
It's all listed there.
I was a candy striper.
And in high school,
I helped raise money
to start a gymnastics program,
the Zion Orphanage in Jerusalem.
-Raised $700.
-Impressive.
Lots of little Jews
tumbling around because of me.
Mrs. Maisel, you are
a very delightful woman,
but I'm not sure that being
an elevator operator
is the right fit for you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, but I-I have such
a passion for it.
I grew up with one
in my building,
my sweet Jerry,
So, in a way,
I feel as if my whole life
-has been leading up to this.
-Your whole life?
And I really hit it off
with Darren on the way up.
Lots of informative shoptalk.
Darren is very personable.
And the uniform.
Picture me in that hat
and the coat with a tapered
waist. I mean, come on.
Thank you for coming in.
Les Tarlow.
Come on in.
LES:
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!
WOMAN: I just go through periods
where nothing looks good.
WOMAN 2: Well, that's not true
and you know it.
WOMAN 1: I guess I can
just stick with red.
Can't go too wrong there.
WOMAN 2: Well, you could try
a dark pink lipstick, too.
That might work better with the
pink you picked for your rouge.
Oh, please. I just worked up
the courage to wear red
in a vain attempt to look
like Leslie Caron in Gigi.
-Oh.
-Red works great with pink.
Pardon me?
And it's terrific
with your complexion.
You have some natural rosiness.
Just be sure to pick a tone
that doesn't augment
that too much.
Keep it subtle.
I like subtle.
That's Raven Red.
Try Cherries in the Snow.
That'll get you close to Caron.
Oh, I like that.
-(laughing): A lot.
-I do, too.
You're a dream. Both of you.
Thank you.
Give me three of these.
I'll meet you down at
the register, Mrs. Stapleton.
Wonderful.
Wow. What is your name?
Midge Maisel.
Mary Petrusca.
You should get my commission.
-No.
-Really.
How about the makeup counter?
♪ ♪
-Good morning, Mr. Weissman.
-Good morning, Zelda.
Listen, I have a faculty meeting
this morning,
and Zed Lieberman
will drone on and on again,
repetitiously, unendingly.
-Do you understand?
-Zed Lieberman is boring.
So I need a copious amount
of coffee to keep me awake.
-In a thermos?
-A thermos? No, not a thermos.
Zelda, right now,
just a big, strong cup.
Yes, Mr. Weissman.
Morning, Mama.
Morning, Papa.
-Aha.
-Mwah. Morning, Zelda.
Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Would you like some coffee?
I'll just grab some
on the street.
Can you watch the kids today?
I'm home by 5:00.
Of course. Where are you
off to in such a rush?
I'm going to work.
What?
I got a job.
Why?
I need money. My own money,
with no strings.
-Strings? -Part-time for now,
but I'll have an employee review
in one month, and if they
like my performance,
I will be a full-time makeup
counter girl at B. Altman.
(door closes)
-You got a job?
-Yes.
-You have no résumé.
-They hired me anyway.
-Do you know how to type?
-I don't need to.
Okay.
I told you to study
something practical in college.
-I remember that. -Russian
literature was not that thing.
I know.
Okay.
-And it's five days a week?
-Yes.
-If it rains, you still have
to go in. -I figured.
-And you know how to get there?
-By multiple routes.
Okay.
-And they're paying you?
-Yes.
-In money?
-Yes.
-By check?
-Every two weeks.
-You'll need a bank account.
-I have a bank account.
-Checking and savings?
-Yep.
(chuckles):
Okay.
Your mother can't watch
the kids every day.
Mrs. Fulber will watch them
when she can't.
Okay.
-Mrs. Fulber?
-Yep.
-The one that used to babysit
you? -The one and the same.
She's still alive?
I think so.
I'll be damned.
-Zelda, I'll need my coffee...
-Your thermos, Mr. Weissman.
Thank you.
Okay.
♪ It isn't enough to hope ♪
♪ It isn't enough to dream ♪
♪ It isn't enough
to plot and plan and scheme ♪
♪ It isn't enough
to stand here ♪
♪ Saying that life
is grand here ♪
♪ Waiting for something... ♪
-Good morning, Jerry.
-Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.
♪ It isn't enough to sit here ♪
♪ Having a purple fit here ♪
♪ Worried to death
the world will burn up ♪
Guess where I'm going, Jerry.
♪ It isn't enough... ♪
Doctor?
Nope. I'm going to work.
-Work?
-(chuckles)
♪ I've got a better scheme ♪
♪ Why not wish upon a wishbone ♪
♪ Pick a four-leaf clover ♪
♪ Rub a rabbit's foot ♪
♪ And throw a horseshoe over ♪
♪ Your lucky shoulder ♪
Ladies' break room?
Right in there.
♪ A bit of luck
will come your way ♪
♪ Now, isn't that enough ♪
♪ To make ♪
♪ Your day? ♪
(indistinct chatter)
Really? You're one of us now?
Makeup department. First day.
Mary, right?
-I'm Midge.
-I remember.
-Mm.
-Grab any empty locker.
-I'm in love.
-Who now?
The new guy in men's hosiery.
-What hap...
-He looks like William Holden.
What happened
to Montgomery Clift in shoes?
-I'm off him. -She just broke up
with Ernest Borgnine last week.
I'm done with loading dock guys.
I'm Vivian.
This your first day?
Midge. Yes. First day.
Do you like the movies?
I go every night.
I do like the movies.
Be my friend.
I need people to go with.
-I'll be your friend.
-You bring a lock?
-For what?
-Thieves run rampant.
Someone stole my lunch
last week.
Just an egg salad sandwich,
but I got really mad.
-Then I need to get a lock.
-Put your stuff in mine today.
Thanks, Mary.
That's smart.
-We are on our feet all day.
-You'll learn.
Doors open
in five minutes, girls!
-Mrs. O'Toole.
-Our mother hen.
Come on.
Remember, Midge:
always be on time...
always be polite...
always be pretty...
and...
...don't forget to punch.
(clunks)
(clunking)
Fun.
♪ ♪
So, there are a couple of jerks
to steer clear of.
-Van Heflin in housewares.
-She's not gonna know
who they are if you
keep using movie star names.
The boys in toys.
Super grabby.
Camera department...
they'll make you shudder.
-That's funny.
-That was my joke.
Tell her that was my joke.
Another compadre, Harriet Owens.
She services
our dark-complexioned clientele.
She is one of us.
Midge Maisel.
-Nice to meet you.
-Harriet's a model.
-HARRIET: Aspiring.
-Neat. Runway?
Not with this skin.
She's been in Ebony magazine
a million times,
looking like Lena Horne.
Eight times.
And looking to expand.
(xylophone notes play)
Doors
are opening!
That's probably what she says
before having sex.
-The new girl?
-Yes, ma'am.
Learn the store.
Ah, I will. Yes.
Agnes Moorehead.
How did I miss that?
I'll give you a map to learn
the store. It's a snap.
My husband loved
Agnes Moorehead.
-Loved? Dead?
-Sad.
No, he left me.
We're separated.
-Separated?
-Like Liz Taylor!
-Sad. -And I've got two kids;
oldest is almost four.
-And you work. Modern.
-Sad.
You ready to do this?
Good a time as any.
Hi. My name is Miriam.
How can I help you today?
Men's shoes...
fourth floor, southeast side.
Hi-fi systems...
eighth floor...
left of the elevators.
Right. Okay, it's hi-fi systems
right of the elevators.
Cookware... fifth floor.
Maternity...
third floor.
♪ ♪
(TV playing indistinctly)
My feet hurt.
-ROSE: Miriam?
-Gonna bring flats tomorrow.
Hi, baby.
Mwah!
-That's the key. Flats.
-For what?
-For what? For work.
-You work?
Yes, Mama, you knew that.
I told you this morning.
-Oh, that's right. -I'm going
out with some friends tonight.
But Mrs. Fulber
can take the kids.
-I'll get them when I come home.
-That sounds fine.
-Something wrong?
-What would be wrong?
I got you something.
You never have
to get me anything.
I wanted to get you something.
MAN (on TV): Oh, it must be
around here. Couldn't walk far.
BOY:
I did, too.
(TV program continues
indistinctly)
What is that?
It's lipstick.
I thought you'd like it.
-Where did you get it? -My job.
At the makeup counter. At work.
Oh, yes, that.
It went well, my first day.
ROSE:
Hmm.
It's a brand new color.
It's not officially released
till the end of the week.
So I'm a guinea pig.
No. You're the first woman
in New York to have it.
And it's pretty,
and I thought of you.
Yeah, you don't like
what I wear now.
No, I like it a lot.
I think it looks nice.
-So do I.
-(inhales)
This smells funny.
But thank you.
(quietly):
You are very welcome.
(grunts)
(exhales)
♪ Did you hear
what they did at the WPA? ♪
♪ When the banks went belly up,
and the jobs all went away ♪
♪ They reinvested in America ♪
♪ They put the poor to work
at honest pay ♪
♪ They built dams and roads
and bridges ♪
♪ Things that we still
use today ♪
♪ Did you hear
what they did at the WPA? ♪
♪ When speculators drove
the market into New York Bay ♪
♪ They gave a corps of citizens
a place to go ♪
-♪ With a chance
to make some hay... ♪ -Hey.
Hi. Nice crowd.
Take a gander.
My business cards.
Got them up to a nice round 30.
-Let me see.
-Hey, are your hands clean?
-Yeah.
-I don't want smudges.
Yeah. You smudged it.
-Now I got a nice round 29.
Thanks. -Sorry.
Well, these are gonna be
obsolete soon, anyway.
-Do you want to know why?
-Yes. Why?
I'm getting a phone.
Don't lie to me.
No shit, I'm getting a phone.
Welcome to the 20th century.
Yeah. Then, I'll put
my phone number on the card.
My-my typewriter's missing
its three, eight, nine,
so I just got to be sure
the number doesn't have
-a three, eight or a nine in it.
-Seems doable.
-It's gonna have
an answering service. -Wow.
And some chatty broad's
gonna know all my shit.
It's gonna cost me a fortune,
but it'll be worth it.
Uh... "Susie Myerson's office."
"Yes, may I speak
with Susie Myerson, please?
"It-It's about
some very important,
show-related business."
"Uh, she's not in at the moment,
so go fuck yourself."
You might want to soften
that a little.
Yeah, but pretty cool, huh?
"Susie Myerson's office."
"Susie Myerson and Associates."
-What?
-Thinking big, right?
Yeah. I'm thinking big.
All right, thank you,
Ethan Carter and his combo!
Well, that was almost palatable.
Now, get your stuff off and
we'll bring on the next act.
(whistles)
Okay. It's gonna be a comedian.
So hang tight, everybody,
and get ready to laugh.
You good to go?
Oh, God, yeah.
Started my new job today.
It was crazy.
So many stories. I hung out
with these young girls,
cute as buttons.
And the customers,
they were hysterical.
Great. You want to run it by me?
A little, uh, practice run?
Oh, no. I don't want
to get stale.
So, "Miriam," right?
Yes, but I'll be using
a nom de plume.
-A nom de what?
-Nom de plume.
-Sounds like a sex toy.
-Yeah, like it goes up
-your ass or something.
-It's a fake name.
I-I don't
want to use my real name.
Fine, then give me
your fake name.
Well, now I can't think of one.
Eh, F-Fanny, I guess.
And the last name?
Brice.
-"Fanny Brice"?
-That's taken.
Then Fanny Jones. Uh...
Fanny Jone... that is
a terrible name.
Yeah, like you put
zero thought into it.
Jackie, please, just make up
a last name for me.
I'll come up with
a permanent one later.
-Okay. -Okay, I repeat:
I like your real name.
I don't want to use
my real name.
Hey, your call.
JACKIE: All right, give it up
for a very funny lady,
whose name you're gonna
want to remember.
Fanny Midge.
-(applause)
-Come here.
Thank you, everybody.
That's very nice of you,
seeing as how
I haven't done anything yet.
(laughter)
So.
I started work today.
A new job.
And it was crazy.
Super crazy.
I'm-I'm a makeup counter girl
at B. Altman.
Who here's been to B. Altman?
No one?
Really? Or is-is there
one person? I c...
This spotlight is so bright,
I can't see a thing.
Blinding. Eh, co...
Maybe, just...
(chair scrapes on floor)
Well, B. Altman
is a department store.
But I think my favorite thing
I did today...
and this is gonna sound weird...
was punching in
on the time clar...
"Time Clark."
What is wrong with my mouth?
-(soft laughter)
-"Time clock."
Punching in
was just kind of a real
powerful feeling, you know?
You know, the-the feel of it.
The sound of it.
M-My interview for the job
was another thing.
They were already getting ready
for Christmas.
It's not even Halloween yet,
and I'm sitting in a hallway
with a couple of dozen
fat fucking Santas.
-(laughter) -Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Picture that.
Me, and a line of big, fat
fucking Santas, and you know,
some of these guys
are fucking fat, and...
(gulping sound)
They drink.
They are tipplers.
That's what Mr. Stanyon told me.
"Keep them sober."
That-that's actually
not Mr. Stanyon's voice,
that's Mrs. O'Toole.
"Doors are opening."
That's what she says
when she's about to have sex.
(man coughing)
(microphone distortion)
Lots of really pretty...
fun girls at work, too.
Uh, Mary, she's sweet.
Vivian, kind of boy crazy,
with her Van Heflins
and William Holdens and...
All right. You win.
Uh, and then, there's Harriet.
She's our Negro clerk.
And beautiful, like, God,
this woman is beautiful.
She's-she's Lena Horne,
she helps our Negro customers.
Because she's a Negro.
What?
Harriet's a Negro.
Where's this going?
It-it's not going anywhere.
-Obviously.
-(laughter)
This-this spotlight
is really fucking bright.
C-Can you dim that?
I mean, really, really,
it's bright as shit.
Okay, well, now the audience
can't see me at all.
-Doesn't matter.
-(laughter)
MIDGE:
Oh. So he's funny.
Him you laugh at. All right.
Okay, just-just getting
the lay of the land here.
You want to come up?
Oh.
Yeah, didn't think so.
Really? You're not-you're
not gonna turn
the spotlight back on?
Can't find the switch?
My underwear suddenly feels
very tight. (laughs)
(exhales)
Well.
Uh, thanks, everybody.
It's been delightful.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You still got more time.
Well, give my time
to someone else.
This isn't fucking Congress.
Get back up there.
No. And fix the fucking mic,
it won't come off the stand.
Sorry about that, everyone.
Uh, we're gonna take a little
break to clear the stink.
(laughter)
And we'll be back in 20.
Jesus.
What is wrong with these people?
Absolutely nothing
is wrong with these people.
Nothing? They're unconscious.
They're lying in state.
And who is heckling me?
There was another comic
up there an hour ago.
He killed. Same audience.
No. Uh-uh, no way.
You stunk tonight, lady.
That's all it was.
No, Susie, this fucking audience
could hardly lift their heads
-up off the table long enough...
-The audience was fine.
You bombed.
You took out Antwerp.
-I bombed?
-People were asking
for directions
to a fallout shelter.
You bombed.
-But I'm funny.
-Everybody bombs.
But I've seen Rickles
five times. He's never bombed.
The guys go on Jack Paar,
they never bomb.
Yeah, that's 'cause
they've spent years bombing
and honing their act so
you don't have to see them bomb.
They've bombed, believe me.
Well, I'm not gonna bomb again.
No, you're gonna bomb again
and again and again and again.
Why would anyone do this
if they're just gonna bomb
again and again and again?
Because it's part
of the process.
Yeah, well, it's not part
of my process.
Shit.
I've only done this
drunk or stoned.
What-what if that's
the only reason I was funny?
Like, I can't get loaded
every time I come on stage.
You never met a comic?
All right, here.
Go smoke a cigarette.
No, I'm not gonna
go smoke a cigarette.
I feel devastated.
I've never felt this devastated.
You mean, besides
when your husband left you.
-Give me a cigarette.
-Next time, prepare a little.
Spontaneity works
until it doesn't work.
Then you're stuck.
Prepare.
All right.
Right.
-Fuck. -MORT SAHL:
So we went to this cabdriver,
and, uh, I don't want you
to think we're like that,
you know, but you must remember
what men are like in war,
-it's that kind of a show
tonight. -(laughter)
So we went to this cabdriver,
and we said to him,
"Where's the action?"
-This kind of masculine,
sort of... -(laughter)
So, so he took us to this place
where they fish illegally.
-See, now you're not supposed...
-(laughter)
JOEL and ARCHIE:
♪ Be prepared ♪
♪ And be careful not to do
your good deeds ♪
♪ When there's no one
watching you ♪
♪ If you're looking
for adventure ♪
♪ Of a new and different kind ♪
♪ And you come across
a Girl Scout ♪
♪ Who is similarly inclined ♪
♪ Don't be nervous,
don't be flustered ♪
♪ Don't be scared ♪
♪ Be prepared! ♪
(laughs)
ARCHIE:
Mm.
That is the most beautiful song
ever written.
Who wrote that song?
Franz fucking Schubert!
-Ah, did he now? -Guys, guys,
you're not in your homes.
Sorry, Sal.
Sally. Sally, Sally.
We were conquerors today.
-Conquerors!
-Veni, vidi, vici!
-That's Latin.
-Is that so?
Sal, Sal, we sold plastic stuff
to people that don't actually
need plastic stuff.
Yeah. See-see, that's what
salesmanship is, Sally.
-Mm-hmm. -Selling things
to people that they don't want.
-It's kind of our calling.
-Two more.
-Then you go home.
-(phone ringing)
-Sally's.
-We're not going home.
-I got to go home.
-Then we'll go home.
I think we just wrote
Samuel Beckett's next play.
It's not that hard.
Joel, it's for you.
I love that people know
how to reach you here.
It's so urban.
(chuckles)
Hello?
Hey, Pen.
Yeah, a certain young man
did send you some flowers.
-Guess he forgot to include
a card. -(coin clattering)
-Good, good, I'm glad.
-(jukebox clicking)
Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, stay up.
-♪ Take out the papers ♪
-All right, bye.
-♪ And the trash... ♪
No. No, Sal.
Who put this song on?
-It offends my sensibilities.
-I don't pick the music.
Yeah, but you can pull the plug.
This song isn't bad.
Penny likes this song.
Penny's young. Penny will learn.
She's meeting the parents
this week.
(laughing):
Oh! Big stuff.
She's pretty nervous.
She doesn't have anything
to be nervous about.
She's a sweet girl.
Penny's great.
-Yeah? -Yeah. Buddy,
everyone loves Penny.
Yeah.
And she's all excited about
seeing The Music Man next week.
Oh, man, we've been dying
to see that show.
Especially Imogene.
How'd you get tickets?
I got friends in high places.
You're the man.
You know, I scored four seats,
so I don't know, if you and
Imogene want to tag along...?
Are you kidding? Imogene would
cancel surgery to see that show.
Yes, we will go.
You want to know what night?
You may have plans.
Whatever's planned is canceled.
-We're going.
-Great!
God, I can't wait to tell her.
And Penny will be excited, too.
(chuckles)
("Brahms Lullaby"
playing on music box)
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
Excuse me, I'm looking for a man
with a rose in his lapel.
Isn't that fun?
♪ Don't want me no more ♪
♪ Bad talk inside the house
they bring ♪
♪ And when I talk,
they start to sing... ♪
Excuse me. Herb Smith?
That depends.
Are you with the government?
No.
Then I'm Herb Smith.
-I joke.
-Ah.
-Midge Maisel, I presume.
-You said,
"Find the man with the rose
in his lapel."
And you did.
Welcome to my office.
♪ Mama, look at boo boo, they ♪
♪ Shut your mouth, go away ♪
♪ Mama, look at boo boo,
they... ♪
Ever been to the Stage Deli?
Many moons ago.
I'm a little more
Barney Greengrass.
-You hungry?
-I could eat.
Waitress?
-Yep? -Verla, how much
do you love your Herb?
With every bone in my body.
Bring us, uh,
a half pastrami on rye
and a half chopped liver
on challah,
a stuffed cabbage,
some kasha varnishkes,
-and a bit of arugula.
-You got it.
I know what you're thinking.
"He's extremely Jewish."
And extremely hungry.
(chuckles)
Guilty on all counts.
So, tell me why you called.
I'm looking to hone an act.
Great. As what?
A stand-up act.
A comedienne. Intriguing.
-I told you that, didn't I?
-You did. But...
I didn't know
if you were kidding.
Because you're a comedienne.
(chuckles)
Anyhow, I've helped
tons of comics
shape acts over the years.
And I've dabbled in TV a little.
Wrote an episode
of Our Miss Brooks.
-Do you know it?
-I love that show.
Eve Arden's a dream.
-Mm.
-A real dream.
So please, talk.
Well, I did a slot
a few nights ago
talking about a new job I got,
as a makeup counter girl.
I thought it was a natural,
and I... bombed.
Big-time.
It was scary.
I'm getting clammy
just thinking about it.
It's also warm in here.
This what I've
been drawing from...
my comedy notebook.
It's just some
random funny thoughts
I've written down
over the years.
I need someone like you
to make sense of it.
Minnie Pearl has
a comedy notebook.
Puts you in a good company.
"I know you're
probably thinking,
"'If I wanted to hear
a woman yapping,
"I'd have stayed home.'
"But there's no way your mothers
are as funny as I am."
Solid joke.
Tell me more about you.
Well, I've primarily been
a housewife
for the last five years.
A funny Betty Crocker...
that's interesting.
Any kids?
-Two.
-Perfect.
The Doyenne of Domesticity.
That could be a thing.
Well, I'd love to help.
And I can dive in today.
It's 15 bucks for the first
five minutes of material.
Sound good?
Sounds very good.
(laughs)
Tell me more.
I went to Bryn Mawr.
Definitely the funniest
of the seven sisters.
Then brush the color
onto the lid, just lightly,
and stop right here,
about half an inch
before you reach the eyebrow.
I'll never be able
to recreate this tomorrow.
No problem.
I'm coming home with you.
-(giggles) -Saw this for you
in the break room.
-Thanks, Harriet. Excuse me.
-Mm-hmm.
Is that a pickle?
I believe it is a pickle.
Ladies, will you excuse me
just a quick moment?
Absolutely.
(phone rings)
Deli.
MIDGE:
Yes, hello. Is Herb Smith there?
Herb? Phone.
-HERB: Do they sound angry?
-I'm not your fuckin' secretary.
Just come get it.
-This is Herb.
-Herb, hi. Midge Maisel.
And not the IRS? Thank God.
-Good one.
-You get my package?
Shipped it out this morning.
I did get it.
And I'm a little confused.
I don't know if you got
the five messages I left you,
but I have a slot
at the Gaslight tonight.
The Gaslight?
So you know Susie Myerson.
-She's terrific.
-She is.
But I don't have
a lot of time to prepare,
and I'm just wondering
what the deal is
-with the three-by-five cards.
-They're your act.
But... I have no time
to memorize all this.
So you take them up on stage.
It's how all the greats
worked out their acts.
Bob Hope, Moms Mabley...
everybody uses cards.
Yeah, I've seen comics
use cards.
It's fun for the audience to see
a comic working like this.
It can be hit-and-miss at times,
but lots of fun.
-I guess.
-Just have a stool next to you.
You can put the cards
on the stool.
The Gaslight has a stool,
doesn't it?
They do have a stool.
I should have put the stool
in the cards.
The stool is a big thing.
-You see the pickle?
-I did see the pickle.
The pickle's funny.
-The pickle is funny.
-So...
break a leg.
Uh, I will. Thank you, Herb.
Can't wait to hear how it goes.
Bye.
(dial tone sounds)
I'm back, ladies.
-Now, where were we?
-You were on the lids.
Ah, yes.
And next up...
we start from the top,
and then slowly work
our way down.
(sighs)
Just had to see it for myself.
♪ La mer ♪
(door closes)
♪ Qu'on voit danser ♪
♪ Le long des... ♪
Flats are making
a giant difference.
-I'm glad. -I'm just home
for a quick change,
and then I'm heading out.
-I'm meeting a friend
for dinner. -Okay.
I'll pick up the kids from
Mrs. Fulber when I get home.
So, I saw them unboxing
some new dresses
on the seventh floor today.
I'm not even supposed
to be up there,
but I just shoot
the security guard a wink,
and he looks the other way.
Some Chanel came in...
to die for.
And there was this pink one
with a little collar
that was just screaming my name.
There was this purply one,
gloves to match,
that just seemed so you.
Hi, Mommy.
♪ ♪
Uh...
Mama, Ethan and Esther are
supposed to be with Mrs. Fulber.
Fulber's a drunk.
♪ ♪
-JOEL: Come on.
-SHIRLEY: Uh, no.
No. He's the storyteller,
not me.
Ma, you're a great storyteller.
If you don't mind 180-degree
turns halfway through the story.
-(laughter)
-Moishe.
-What?
-Don't tease.
I'm not teasing.
I'm reporting.
What did I tell you?
Greatest show on earth.
You start a story
about a TV repairman,
and then you end it
describing a cruise to Istanbul.
I don't find that normal.
SHIRLEY:
I did love that cruise.
-I would love to go on a cruise.
-We should take a cruise.
Everyone should go on a cruise.
Except Joel...
he gets tummy sick.
-One time. -And it
wasn't even on a cruise ship.
It was on
the Staten Island Ferry,
to visit his cousins
in Bulls Head.
Ma, this is a story
you should not tell.
I want to hear it.
He threw up.
That's the story.
-JOEL: Great story.
-And she got to the end
without talking about elephants
or the Charleston.
-Give your mother some credit.
-(laughter)
Young lady, we want to know more
about you.
(banjo playing,
lively crowd chatter)
♪ ♪
Cutting it close there, gally.
Sorry. Subway stopped
between stations.
We were in pitch black forever.
Pretty sure some guy groped me.
-Well, sometimes you get lucky.
-Just give me
-a minute to calm down.
-You're going on,
you got to get on.
Crowd's gonna thin out.
-Just a quick minute.
-Midge next?
-Midge next.
-What stupid
fucking name are using
this time?
Sadie Morton.
Why not?
What are those?
Just some notes.
You wrote your act on cards?
-Yeah.
-Why?
It's good enough for Bob Hope,
it's good enough for me.
(song ends, applause)
Since when do you pattern
yourself after Bob Hope?
All right, next up
is a really funny comedian.
Give it up for Sadie Morton!
Like that's a real thing.
Hi there, everybody.
Yup. Drink it in...
a woman comedian.
-(laughter)
-A rare sighting.
I know you're probably thinking,
"If I wanted
to hear a woman yapping,
I'd have stayed home."
-(laughter) -But there is no way
your mothers are as funny as me.
(laughter)
All right, all right,
we're having fun here.
So I'm a mother, too,
believe it or not,
of three rambunctious kids.
-Okay, I-I have two kids,
not three. -Oh.
Uh, one day, my oldest came home
from junior high
and said the craziest thing.
Okay, I'm-I'm 26.
I-I didn't give birth at 13.
I would have had to have
given birth at 13.
Uh-uh. Can-can I borrow a pen?
-Mm.
-Thank you.
When I was a kid, my parents
told me I was their favorite,
and that's not just because
I'm an only child.
I actually have a brother,
so that's another thing
that's not quite... accurate.
Uh... you-you know,
my family fights so much
at the dinner table,
I'm thinking of putting up
four ropes and selling tickets.
-I don't get that.
-It's a boxing thing.
-(laughter)
-MIDGE: A boxing thing.
Oh. Oh, okay, I get it.
Thank you, sir.
My husband.
Ooh, I get so mad
when he comes home late,
I grab the frying pan,
hit him over the head,
and doink.
Doink?
An-And... and my mother
is so nosy,
I think
she could win a gold medal.
That's M-E-D-D-L-E,
not-not M-E-D-A-L.
It's more of a visual
spelling joke, I guess. See...
-(microphone feedback) -Ooh.
-(man laughs)
-(people groaning)
-MAN: All right. -WOMAN: Yeah.
Wow. How did Bob Hope
become Bob Hope?
-(Midge laughs)
-Because he's funny.
-(laughter)
-Thank you, sir.
Light's on me, not you.
I went to Bryn Mawr.
That's literally all it says.
Next card.
-Next comedian.
-(laughter)
-Excuse me?
-Bring back the banjo.
-(laughter) -You think
you could do better, asshole?
(crowd sighing, murmuring)
-Probably.
-Oh, great.
Then stand up
and make 'em laugh.
Come on. Let's see what you got.
-What? You leave your balls
at home? -AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh!
-(audience murmuring)
-Fine.
Um, a Spanish magician
tells the audience
he'll disappear
on the count of three.
He says, "Uno, dos." Poof.
He disappeared
without a tres.
(laughter)
(laughter, cheering)
I quit.
Why doesn't this stupid place
have a backstage?
Are you trying to humiliate me?
You're doing a great job
all by yourself.
-What the fuck?
-Don't.
I mean, what the fuck?
I just want
to get the hell out of here.
This isn't even your writing.
Hi, Midge.
What are you doing here?
I came to catch your set.
Nice job.
Nice job?
Were you listening?
The whole time.
You got some good laughs
in the back there.
How far back were you,
Cafe Wha?
Okay, I'm just trying
to catch up here.
-How do you know Herb Smith?
-She answered my ad
in the Hollywood Reporter.
Hi, Susie.
You hired the Stage Deli
bottom-feeder to write your act?
All based on her notebook.
Lot of good stuff in there.
Nothing from these cards
came from my notebook.
Yeah, because he sells
the same crappy jokes
to everyone who hires him.
-He's a fuckin' recycler!
-Didn't say that in the ad.
That would have been
a dumb thing to put in the ad.
I told you it'd be hit-and-miss!
It was all miss, Herb.
Nothing hit!
Please tell me
you did not pay this guy.
-Oh, I paid him.
-Without consulting me?
Hey, Midge, one thought?
Oh, he's got a thought.
The husband joke.
When you hit him over the head
with the frying pan,
it's not "doink."
It's...
"Doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!"
Herb, the thing I'm gonna
hit you over the head with,
your screams are gonna drown out
the doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!
We got to talk.
Good-bye, Herb.
SUSIE:
Herb Smith.
-Really?
-I needed help.
So you hire a guy
that'll work for salami?
I didn't want to bomb again.
-Oh, mission accomplished.
-Ha, ha.
Geez. If I wanted
an act like that,
I'd have booked your husband.
-Real nice. -I thought
we were doing this together.
-Are we not doing this together?
-I'm here, aren't I?
You go behind my back,
you hire a guy to help you.
I'm here to help you.
How? By rushing me onstage
when I wasn't even ready?
-What are you talking about?
-I hardly stepped in the door
and you were pushing me
to go on.
-I wanted you to have
a good audience. -Great job.
-So it's my fault.
-Yes.
-Hey, fuck you.
-No, fuck you.
What is wrong with you?
I can't do this anymore.
-Don't.
-I can't do it.
I-I don't want to do it.
We've talked about bombing.
So you get up on stage and bomb.
See how you like it.
-I'd hate it.
-Well, there you go.
But I'm not a comedian.
You're the comedian.
-Not anymore.
-Bullshit.
-Not anymore.
-Oh. Again?
Okay, fine. So you're
not gonna do this?
-Nope.
-You're giving up?
Yeah.
Fine.
Go get your purse.
Go on home.
But this is good-bye, Miriam.
Or Sadie, or Cuntsy Lou Who
or whatever your name is.
Because that's all
you and I are.
Professional relationship.
Not girlfriends.
-I know that.
-And if there's no profession,
there's no relationship,
capisce?
Good-bye.
Uh, don't forget
your comedy cards.
You paid good money for them.
Don't forget to cancel
that phone you ordered.
Unless it's too late.
Oh, don't worry.
I didn't order the stupid phone.
Maybe I can instinctively
smell a loser!
Fine!
MOISHE: So the priest turns
to the nun and says,
"Excuse me,
are you staring at me?"
-Is this a dirty joke?
-Would I tell a dirty joke
-in mixed company?
-Yes. -Yes.
It's not a dirty joke.
Eat that, honey.
Eat it so that I won't.
-(laughs)
-So, the nun says to the priest,
"I remember you.
We met once at the Vatican."
-This is a dirty joke.
-Not a dirty joke.
And so, the priest says,
"The Vatican's full
"of a lot of priests, all in
robes who look just like me.
How do you know that was me?"
And the nun says...
This is a dirty joke.
-(laughs) -SHIRLEY: I knew it.
-So did I.
All right. I'll resume
smelling my dessert wine
and acting like I know
what the hell I'm talking about.
Excuse me, everyone,
I'm going to go freshen up.
-Because you're stale?
-(laughs)
I'll come with you,
because I am definitely stale.
-(laughs)
-You're gorgeous, too, Shirl.
SHIRLEY: You're killing m
with that tiny tush.
PENNY:
Oh, Mrs. Maisel...
-No.
-What?
-Her. No. -What the hell
are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
How would I know
what you're talking about?
She's young, she's emptyheaded,
she doesn't eat. She's a shiksa.
-So?
-Shiksas are for practice.
Want to say that
a little louder?
I think you heard me just fine.
I don't believe this.
Don't act like a child.
You can't judge her like this.
You don't even know her.
I know enough. That is a girl
that you have on the side, Joel.
It's not a girl you marry.
You don't introduce her
to your fucking parents.
I had Yankees tickets tonight.
She's a good girl. Sweet.
"Sweet." Good.
Sounds like a Danish.
-You'd hate her no matter what.
-Yeah. Convince yourself
of that and then we'll talk.
(footsteps approaching)
No.
I'm eating her dessert.
MOISHE:
Oh, there she is.
I stole... I stole your dessert.
That's okay, Mrs. Maisel.
Oh, call me Shirley.
-Oh.
-MOISHE: I've got another joke.
-It's gonna be dirty again.
-It's not gonna be dirty.
So, a clown walks
into a laundromat.
-SHIRLEY: This is dirty.
-(laughs)
MOISHE:
There's nothing dirty about it.
SHIRLEY:
He told this joke five years ago
in front of the rabbi.
MOISHE: Wait, is this
the dirty temple joke?
SHIRLEY:
It's the dirty temple joke.
MOISHE:
Are you sure?
SHIRLEY: It ends with
cabbage up the chimney.
MOISHE: You're right, it's too
dirty. Funny, but too dirty.
-Okay. Knock, knock.
-SHIRLEY (laughing): Moishe...
(indistinct chatter)
♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪
♪ Ain't ever
what a girl supposes ♪
-(elevator chimes) -♪ Stage door
Johnnies aren't raging ♪
♪ Over you with gems
and roses... ♪
-Hi, Midge. -Morning.
-Good morning.
Morning.
♪ When you let a feller
hold your hand ♪
♪ Which means an extra beer
or sandwich... ♪
(notes sound)
Doors are opening.
-And it begins.
-Good luck.
(indistinct chatter)
Excuse me.
Where's the kitchenware
department?
-Fourth floor.
-Thank you.
No, wait. Sixth.
-Nope. Fifth.
-MARY: Uh, kitchenware's
on the third floor,
southwest side.
Thank you.
-You okay?
-Yeah. I'm just tired.
You look like you haven't
had any fun lately.
That's for sure.
Then you should come to my party
tonight. It's nothing fancy.
Cheap wine and pretzels
and extremely dull boys.
Way to sell.
No, really. It'll be fun.
-♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪
-Maybe.
-♪ Ain't nothing for a girl. ♪
-Thanks for the invite.
(phone ringing)
-Hello?
-ARCHIE: Joel, hi. It's me.
Hey, Arch.
We were just about to step out.
We, uh, meeting
in the lobby or outside?
Joel, sorry,
but we got to beg off.
-What? -We're stuck here.
Babysitter just canceled.
She canceled?
Last second.
She's never done this.
Call another.
You got, like, four of them.
Yeah. They're all booked.
Oh. Well...
I could call Mrs. Moskowitz
and see if she could...
And Imogene's not feeling well.
Cold, or something.
Can we take a raincheck?
It's a Broadway show.
There's no raincheck.
I know.
I feel terrible.
-Arch.
-I'm sorry, buddy.
Really.
I'll see you tomorrow?
Yeah. See you tomorrow.
Bye.
(sighs)
♪ A Be-bop baby ♪
♪ A Be-bop
baby ♪
♪ A Be-bop baby ♪
♪ She's the gal for me ♪
♪ She got plenty of rhythm,
got plenty of jive ♪
♪ And when we dance,
it really comes alive ♪
♪ My love for her's
so tender and sweet ♪
♪ My heart starts pounding
every time we meet ♪
♪ A Be-bop baby
still in her teens ♪
♪ Just as sweet
as she can be... ♪
Hi, there. Midge, right?
From makeup?
-Oh, yes.
-Arnie. Menswear.
-Schlitz?
-Thank you, Arnie.
-So how you liking the job?
-I like it.
Lot of nice girls
down in makeup.
-Very nice.
-It's all men up where I am.
(chuckles)
Comes with the territory.
-So you like Ricky Nelson?
-What I've heard.
It's funny how we all grew up
watching him on TV,
now he's this big rock star.
-The next Elvis.
-Very funny.
(chuckles)
♪ She's the gal for me... ♪
Oh, were you hitting on me?
-Oh, no, I...
-You are. That's so sweet,
but that's not
why I'm here, Arnie.
-I'm sorry.
-No, I'm sorry.
Uh, did you want
the Schlitz back?
No, it's fine.
-Enjoy.
-Thank you.
(gasps)
Midge.
-You came.
-I did.
-Ah!
-Nice place.
Eh, it's, uh, it's home for now.
Uh, Vivian, Harriet,
look what the cat dragged in.
Oh. Hi, Midge.
-Vivian's drunk.
-I'm not a drunk.
I didn't say you were a drunk.
I said you were drunk.
Honey, you have two cups.
What's up with that?
I poured myself a vodka and
I forgot, and I poured a gin.
Guess I could mix 'em.
Oh, Vivian, no, no, no, no, no.
You will thank me
in the morning.
She's not gonna be thanking
anyone in the morning.
I'll keep Vivian close tonight.
I'm not a child.
Hey, we've all done this.
I once mixed tequila,
absinthe and red wine.
-Ooh. -Ouch.
-Came out pink.
I'd never puked
my favorite color before.
I don't even much like
the taste of alcohol.
Oh, me either.
-But I like being tipsy.
-Mmm.
I mean, I wish
there was a pill...
I-I guess there is.
It's called "pills."
Hi, girls. Uh, what happened
to all the guys?
They're clustered in a corner.
Why do they do that?
Why do they cluster like that?
Because we intimidate them
or because
they're finally admitting they
don't know anything about cars?
Lots of tears
and catharsis over that.
Or maybe they're just hoping to
start a really easily-winnable
game of tug-of-war.
Or it's just a bunch of guys
who didn't make their high
school team talking about
how Mickey Mantle
can improve his swing.
(knocking at door)
Hi, Rose.
Did Midge tell you?
I'm bringing Ethan back.
See you later, sport.
Bye, Daddy.
Your wife is working.
Your first apartment?
My very first.
You know, I never had
a first apartment.
I lived with my folks,
went to college, got married.
I've never
killed my own spiders.
What do you do
if you see one?
I assume
just get a new apartment.
Really, three girls
and one bathroom?
And you haven't
tried to kill each other yet?
Just... attack each other
with eyelash curlers,
karate each other
with bra straps...
what happens here?
It's frightening.
♪ Would ya like to know what
kind of conversation goes on ♪
♪ While they're
loafing around at home? ♪
♪ They'll be tryin' out Bevo,
tryin' out cubebs ♪
♪ Tryin' out Tailor Mades
like Cigarette Fiends ♪
♪ And braggin' all about
how they're gonna cover up ♪
♪ A tell-tale breath
with Sen-Sen ♪
♪ One fine night,
they leave the pool hall ♪
♪ Headin' for the dance
at the Arm'ry ♪
♪ Libertine men
and Scarlet women ♪
♪ And Rag-time,
shameless music ♪
♪ That'll grab your son,
your daughter ♪
♪ With the arms of a jungle
animal instinct, mass-steria ♪
♪ Friends, the idle brain is the
devil's playground, trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ With a capital "T" ♪
♪ And that rhymes with "P"
and that stands for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
-♪ Gotta figure out a way ♪
♪ To keep the young ones
moral after school ♪
♪ Our children's children
gonna have trouble, trouble ♪
-♪ Trouble, trouble... ♪
-♪ Mothers of River City ♪
♪ Heed that warning
before it's too late ♪
♪ Watch for the tell-tale
signs of corruption ♪
♪ The minute your son
leaves the house ♪
♪ Does he rebuckle his
knickerbockers below the knee? ♪
♪ Is there a nicotine stain
on his index finger? ♪
♪ A dime novel
hidden in the corn crib? ♪
♪ Is he starting
to memorize jokes ♪
♪ From Captain Billy's
Whiz Bang? ♪
♪ Are certain words creeping
into his conversation? ♪
♪ Words like "swell" ♪
♪ And "So's your old man"?
Well, if so my friends ♪
-♪ Ya got trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River city ♪
-♪ Right here in River city ♪
♪ With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P" ♪
-♪ And that stands for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep
the young ones moral after ♪
-♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's
children gonna have trouble ♪
-♪ Trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ With a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P" ♪
-♪ And that stand for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
♪ Remember the Maine, Plymouth
Rock and the Golden Rule ♪
♪ Our children's children
gonna have trouble ♪
-♪ Trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
♪ With a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P" ♪
-♪ And that stands for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep
the young ones moral after ♪
-♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's
children gonna have trouble ♪
♪ Oh, we've got trouble ♪
♪ We're in terrible,
terrible trouble ♪
♪ That game with the 15 numbered
balls is a devil's tool ♪
-♪ Devil's tool ♪ -♪ Oh, yes, we
got trouble, trouble, trouble ♪
♪ Oh, yes, we got trouble here,
we got big, big trouble ♪
-♪ With a "T" ♪
-♪ With a capital "T" ♪
-♪ Gotta rhyme it with "P" ♪
-♪ That rhymes with "P" ♪
♪ And that stands for pool! ♪
♪ That stands for pool! ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII
in something frilly ♪
♪ When my date comes to get me
at my place ♪
♪ Out I go with my Joe
or John or Billy ♪
♪ Like a filly who is ready
at the race ♪
♪ When I have
a brand-new hairdo ♪
♪ With my eyelashes
all in curls ♪
♪ I float as the clouds
on air do ♪
♪ I enjoy being a girl ♪
♪ When men say I'm cute... ♪
Good morning, ladies.
Eighth floor, please.
-Third floor, please.
-Fifth for me.
Thank you, ladies.
-You make it look easy.
-Ma'am?
Operating the elevator,
like it's second nature.
Yes, ma'am.
Although I'm sure it's way more
complicated than it looks,
-a testament to your skill.
-(elevator bell dings)
Third floor.
♪ I drool over dresses
made of lace ♪
♪ I talk on the telephone... ♪
Good job.
So, how do you like working
for B. Altman?
Well, I've been here
for 16 years.
A ringing endorsement.
How many times a day do you
think that you open this...
-(elevator bell dings)
-Fifth floor.
Ooh, that's me.
Smooth as silk.
Thank you, Darren.
Love the outfit.
♪ Who'll enjoy being a guy ♪
♪ Having a girl ♪
♪ Like... ♪
Good to see you again,
Frank. Take care.
Mrs. Maisel.
Beautiful printing.
I've got a pretty mean
cursive, too.
Brearley and Bryn Mawr,
I have no doubt.
So, you're prepping
for Christmas?
The display department
always likes to get a nice jump.
Never too early
to scout for Santas.
Lots of jolly choices out there.
Oh, we screen them
fresh every year.
Make sure they're still plump,
still personable, still sober.
So much to think about.
So, you majored
in Russian Literature.
With a minor in Education.
For a split second,
I thought about being
a grammar school teacher.
-What happened?
-I met some grammar school kids.
(Midge chuckles)
No, seriously, I married
straight out of college
and had children of my own.
Two, actually.
Started my own grammar school,
if you will.
And you're here for our
elevator operator position?
Yes, sir.
We usually hire men
for that job.
Oh. The ad didn't say.
I just think that
our lady shoppers
-prefer men in the position.
-I get that.
Not a lot of practical
work experience
on your résumé, either.
But lots of volunteer work.
It's all listed there.
I was a candy striper.
And in high school,
I helped raise money
to start a gymnastics program,
the Zion Orphanage in Jerusalem.
-Raised $700.
-Impressive.
Lots of little Jews
tumbling around because of me.
Mrs. Maisel, you are
a very delightful woman,
but I'm not sure that being
an elevator operator
is the right fit for you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, but I-I have such
a passion for it.
I grew up with one
in my building,
my sweet Jerry,
So, in a way,
I feel as if my whole life
-has been leading up to this.
-Your whole life?
And I really hit it off
with Darren on the way up.
Lots of informative shoptalk.
Darren is very personable.
And the uniform.
Picture me in that hat
and the coat with a tapered
waist. I mean, come on.
Thank you for coming in.
Les Tarlow.
Come on in.
LES:
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas!
WOMAN: I just go through periods
where nothing looks good.
WOMAN 2: Well, that's not true
and you know it.
WOMAN 1: I guess I can
just stick with red.
Can't go too wrong there.
WOMAN 2: Well, you could try
a dark pink lipstick, too.
That might work better with the
pink you picked for your rouge.
Oh, please. I just worked up
the courage to wear red
in a vain attempt to look
like Leslie Caron in Gigi.
-Oh.
-Red works great with pink.
Pardon me?
And it's terrific
with your complexion.
You have some natural rosiness.
Just be sure to pick a tone
that doesn't augment
that too much.
Keep it subtle.
I like subtle.
That's Raven Red.
Try Cherries in the Snow.
That'll get you close to Caron.
Oh, I like that.
-(laughing): A lot.
-I do, too.
You're a dream. Both of you.
Thank you.
Give me three of these.
I'll meet you down at
the register, Mrs. Stapleton.
Wonderful.
Wow. What is your name?
Midge Maisel.
Mary Petrusca.
You should get my commission.
-No.
-Really.
How about the makeup counter?
♪ ♪
-Good morning, Mr. Weissman.
-Good morning, Zelda.
Listen, I have a faculty meeting
this morning,
and Zed Lieberman
will drone on and on again,
repetitiously, unendingly.
-Do you understand?
-Zed Lieberman is boring.
So I need a copious amount
of coffee to keep me awake.
-In a thermos?
-A thermos? No, not a thermos.
Zelda, right now,
just a big, strong cup.
Yes, Mr. Weissman.
Morning, Mama.
Morning, Papa.
-Aha.
-Mwah. Morning, Zelda.
Good morning, Miss Miriam.
Would you like some coffee?
I'll just grab some
on the street.
Can you watch the kids today?
I'm home by 5:00.
Of course. Where are you
off to in such a rush?
I'm going to work.
What?
I got a job.
Why?
I need money. My own money,
with no strings.
-Strings? -Part-time for now,
but I'll have an employee review
in one month, and if they
like my performance,
I will be a full-time makeup
counter girl at B. Altman.
(door closes)
-You got a job?
-Yes.
-You have no résumé.
-They hired me anyway.
-Do you know how to type?
-I don't need to.
Okay.
I told you to study
something practical in college.
-I remember that. -Russian
literature was not that thing.
I know.
Okay.
-And it's five days a week?
-Yes.
-If it rains, you still have
to go in. -I figured.
-And you know how to get there?
-By multiple routes.
Okay.
-And they're paying you?
-Yes.
-In money?
-Yes.
-By check?
-Every two weeks.
-You'll need a bank account.
-I have a bank account.
-Checking and savings?
-Yep.
(chuckles):
Okay.
Your mother can't watch
the kids every day.
Mrs. Fulber will watch them
when she can't.
Okay.
-Mrs. Fulber?
-Yep.
-The one that used to babysit
you? -The one and the same.
She's still alive?
I think so.
I'll be damned.
-Zelda, I'll need my coffee...
-Your thermos, Mr. Weissman.
Thank you.
Okay.
♪ It isn't enough to hope ♪
♪ It isn't enough to dream ♪
♪ It isn't enough
to plot and plan and scheme ♪
♪ It isn't enough
to stand here ♪
♪ Saying that life
is grand here ♪
♪ Waiting for something... ♪
-Good morning, Jerry.
-Good morning, Mrs. Maisel.
♪ It isn't enough to sit here ♪
♪ Having a purple fit here ♪
♪ Worried to death
the world will burn up ♪
Guess where I'm going, Jerry.
♪ It isn't enough... ♪
Doctor?
Nope. I'm going to work.
-Work?
-(chuckles)
♪ I've got a better scheme ♪
♪ Why not wish upon a wishbone ♪
♪ Pick a four-leaf clover ♪
♪ Rub a rabbit's foot ♪
♪ And throw a horseshoe over ♪
♪ Your lucky shoulder ♪
Ladies' break room?
Right in there.
♪ A bit of luck
will come your way ♪
♪ Now, isn't that enough ♪
♪ To make ♪
♪ Your day? ♪
(indistinct chatter)
Really? You're one of us now?
Makeup department. First day.
Mary, right?
-I'm Midge.
-I remember.
-Mm.
-Grab any empty locker.
-I'm in love.
-Who now?
The new guy in men's hosiery.
-What hap...
-He looks like William Holden.
What happened
to Montgomery Clift in shoes?
-I'm off him. -She just broke up
with Ernest Borgnine last week.
I'm done with loading dock guys.
I'm Vivian.
This your first day?
Midge. Yes. First day.
Do you like the movies?
I go every night.
I do like the movies.
Be my friend.
I need people to go with.
-I'll be your friend.
-You bring a lock?
-For what?
-Thieves run rampant.
Someone stole my lunch
last week.
Just an egg salad sandwich,
but I got really mad.
-Then I need to get a lock.
-Put your stuff in mine today.
Thanks, Mary.
That's smart.
-We are on our feet all day.
-You'll learn.
Doors open
in five minutes, girls!
-Mrs. O'Toole.
-Our mother hen.
Come on.
Remember, Midge:
always be on time...
always be polite...
always be pretty...
and...
...don't forget to punch.
(clunks)
(clunking)
Fun.
♪ ♪
So, there are a couple of jerks
to steer clear of.
-Van Heflin in housewares.
-She's not gonna know
who they are if you
keep using movie star names.
The boys in toys.
Super grabby.
Camera department...
they'll make you shudder.
-That's funny.
-That was my joke.
Tell her that was my joke.
Another compadre, Harriet Owens.
She services
our dark-complexioned clientele.
She is one of us.
Midge Maisel.
-Nice to meet you.
-Harriet's a model.
-HARRIET: Aspiring.
-Neat. Runway?
Not with this skin.
She's been in Ebony magazine
a million times,
looking like Lena Horne.
Eight times.
And looking to expand.
(xylophone notes play)
Doors
are opening!
That's probably what she says
before having sex.
-The new girl?
-Yes, ma'am.
Learn the store.
Ah, I will. Yes.
Agnes Moorehead.
How did I miss that?
I'll give you a map to learn
the store. It's a snap.
My husband loved
Agnes Moorehead.
-Loved? Dead?
-Sad.
No, he left me.
We're separated.
-Separated?
-Like Liz Taylor!
-Sad. -And I've got two kids;
oldest is almost four.
-And you work. Modern.
-Sad.
You ready to do this?
Good a time as any.
Hi. My name is Miriam.
How can I help you today?
Men's shoes...
fourth floor, southeast side.
Hi-fi systems...
eighth floor...
left of the elevators.
Right. Okay, it's hi-fi systems
right of the elevators.
Cookware... fifth floor.
Maternity...
third floor.
♪ ♪
(TV playing indistinctly)
My feet hurt.
-ROSE: Miriam?
-Gonna bring flats tomorrow.
Hi, baby.
Mwah!
-That's the key. Flats.
-For what?
-For what? For work.
-You work?
Yes, Mama, you knew that.
I told you this morning.
-Oh, that's right. -I'm going
out with some friends tonight.
But Mrs. Fulber
can take the kids.
-I'll get them when I come home.
-That sounds fine.
-Something wrong?
-What would be wrong?
I got you something.
You never have
to get me anything.
I wanted to get you something.
MAN (on TV): Oh, it must be
around here. Couldn't walk far.
BOY:
I did, too.
(TV program continues
indistinctly)
What is that?
It's lipstick.
I thought you'd like it.
-Where did you get it? -My job.
At the makeup counter. At work.
Oh, yes, that.
It went well, my first day.
ROSE:
Hmm.
It's a brand new color.
It's not officially released
till the end of the week.
So I'm a guinea pig.
No. You're the first woman
in New York to have it.
And it's pretty,
and I thought of you.
Yeah, you don't like
what I wear now.
No, I like it a lot.
I think it looks nice.
-So do I.
-(inhales)
This smells funny.
But thank you.
(quietly):
You are very welcome.
(grunts)
(exhales)
♪ Did you hear
what they did at the WPA? ♪
♪ When the banks went belly up,
and the jobs all went away ♪
♪ They reinvested in America ♪
♪ They put the poor to work
at honest pay ♪
♪ They built dams and roads
and bridges ♪
♪ Things that we still
use today ♪
♪ Did you hear
what they did at the WPA? ♪
♪ When speculators drove
the market into New York Bay ♪
♪ They gave a corps of citizens
a place to go ♪
-♪ With a chance
to make some hay... ♪ -Hey.
Hi. Nice crowd.
Take a gander.
My business cards.
Got them up to a nice round 30.
-Let me see.
-Hey, are your hands clean?
-Yeah.
-I don't want smudges.
Yeah. You smudged it.
-Now I got a nice round 29.
Thanks. -Sorry.
Well, these are gonna be
obsolete soon, anyway.
-Do you want to know why?
-Yes. Why?
I'm getting a phone.
Don't lie to me.
No shit, I'm getting a phone.
Welcome to the 20th century.
Yeah. Then, I'll put
my phone number on the card.
My-my typewriter's missing
its three, eight, nine,
so I just got to be sure
the number doesn't have
-a three, eight or a nine in it.
-Seems doable.
-It's gonna have
an answering service. -Wow.
And some chatty broad's
gonna know all my shit.
It's gonna cost me a fortune,
but it'll be worth it.
Uh... "Susie Myerson's office."
"Yes, may I speak
with Susie Myerson, please?
"It-It's about
some very important,
show-related business."
"Uh, she's not in at the moment,
so go fuck yourself."
You might want to soften
that a little.
Yeah, but pretty cool, huh?
"Susie Myerson's office."
"Susie Myerson and Associates."
-What?
-Thinking big, right?
Yeah. I'm thinking big.
All right, thank you,
Ethan Carter and his combo!
Well, that was almost palatable.
Now, get your stuff off and
we'll bring on the next act.
(whistles)
Okay. It's gonna be a comedian.
So hang tight, everybody,
and get ready to laugh.
You good to go?
Oh, God, yeah.
Started my new job today.
It was crazy.
So many stories. I hung out
with these young girls,
cute as buttons.
And the customers,
they were hysterical.
Great. You want to run it by me?
A little, uh, practice run?
Oh, no. I don't want
to get stale.
So, "Miriam," right?
Yes, but I'll be using
a nom de plume.
-A nom de what?
-Nom de plume.
-Sounds like a sex toy.
-Yeah, like it goes up
-your ass or something.
-It's a fake name.
I-I don't
want to use my real name.
Fine, then give me
your fake name.
Well, now I can't think of one.
Eh, F-Fanny, I guess.
And the last name?
Brice.
-"Fanny Brice"?
-That's taken.
Then Fanny Jones. Uh...
Fanny Jone... that is
a terrible name.
Yeah, like you put
zero thought into it.
Jackie, please, just make up
a last name for me.
I'll come up with
a permanent one later.
-Okay. -Okay, I repeat:
I like your real name.
I don't want to use
my real name.
Hey, your call.
JACKIE: All right, give it up
for a very funny lady,
whose name you're gonna
want to remember.
Fanny Midge.
-(applause)
-Come here.
Thank you, everybody.
That's very nice of you,
seeing as how
I haven't done anything yet.
(laughter)
So.
I started work today.
A new job.
And it was crazy.
Super crazy.
I'm-I'm a makeup counter girl
at B. Altman.
Who here's been to B. Altman?
No one?
Really? Or is-is there
one person? I c...
This spotlight is so bright,
I can't see a thing.
Blinding. Eh, co...
Maybe, just...
(chair scrapes on floor)
Well, B. Altman
is a department store.
But I think my favorite thing
I did today...
and this is gonna sound weird...
was punching in
on the time clar...
"Time Clark."
What is wrong with my mouth?
-(soft laughter)
-"Time clock."
Punching in
was just kind of a real
powerful feeling, you know?
You know, the-the feel of it.
The sound of it.
M-My interview for the job
was another thing.
They were already getting ready
for Christmas.
It's not even Halloween yet,
and I'm sitting in a hallway
with a couple of dozen
fat fucking Santas.
-(laughter) -Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Picture that.
Me, and a line of big, fat
fucking Santas, and you know,
some of these guys
are fucking fat, and...
(gulping sound)
They drink.
They are tipplers.
That's what Mr. Stanyon told me.
"Keep them sober."
That-that's actually
not Mr. Stanyon's voice,
that's Mrs. O'Toole.
"Doors are opening."
That's what she says
when she's about to have sex.
(man coughing)
(microphone distortion)
Lots of really pretty...
fun girls at work, too.
Uh, Mary, she's sweet.
Vivian, kind of boy crazy,
with her Van Heflins
and William Holdens and...
All right. You win.
Uh, and then, there's Harriet.
She's our Negro clerk.
And beautiful, like, God,
this woman is beautiful.
She's-she's Lena Horne,
she helps our Negro customers.
Because she's a Negro.
What?
Harriet's a Negro.
Where's this going?
It-it's not going anywhere.
-Obviously.
-(laughter)
This-this spotlight
is really fucking bright.
C-Can you dim that?
I mean, really, really,
it's bright as shit.
Okay, well, now the audience
can't see me at all.
-Doesn't matter.
-(laughter)
MIDGE:
Oh. So he's funny.
Him you laugh at. All right.
Okay, just-just getting
the lay of the land here.
You want to come up?
Oh.
Yeah, didn't think so.
Really? You're not-you're
not gonna turn
the spotlight back on?
Can't find the switch?
My underwear suddenly feels
very tight. (laughs)
(exhales)
Well.
Uh, thanks, everybody.
It's been delightful.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You still got more time.
Well, give my time
to someone else.
This isn't fucking Congress.
Get back up there.
No. And fix the fucking mic,
it won't come off the stand.
Sorry about that, everyone.
Uh, we're gonna take a little
break to clear the stink.
(laughter)
And we'll be back in 20.
Jesus.
What is wrong with these people?
Absolutely nothing
is wrong with these people.
Nothing? They're unconscious.
They're lying in state.
And who is heckling me?
There was another comic
up there an hour ago.
He killed. Same audience.
No. Uh-uh, no way.
You stunk tonight, lady.
That's all it was.
No, Susie, this fucking audience
could hardly lift their heads
-up off the table long enough...
-The audience was fine.
You bombed.
You took out Antwerp.
-I bombed?
-People were asking
for directions
to a fallout shelter.
You bombed.
-But I'm funny.
-Everybody bombs.
But I've seen Rickles
five times. He's never bombed.
The guys go on Jack Paar,
they never bomb.
Yeah, that's 'cause
they've spent years bombing
and honing their act so
you don't have to see them bomb.
They've bombed, believe me.
Well, I'm not gonna bomb again.
No, you're gonna bomb again
and again and again and again.
Why would anyone do this
if they're just gonna bomb
again and again and again?
Because it's part
of the process.
Yeah, well, it's not part
of my process.
Shit.
I've only done this
drunk or stoned.
What-what if that's
the only reason I was funny?
Like, I can't get loaded
every time I come on stage.
You never met a comic?
All right, here.
Go smoke a cigarette.
No, I'm not gonna
go smoke a cigarette.
I feel devastated.
I've never felt this devastated.
You mean, besides
when your husband left you.
-Give me a cigarette.
-Next time, prepare a little.
Spontaneity works
until it doesn't work.
Then you're stuck.
Prepare.
All right.
Right.
-Fuck. -MORT SAHL:
So we went to this cabdriver,
and, uh, I don't want you
to think we're like that,
you know, but you must remember
what men are like in war,
-it's that kind of a show
tonight. -(laughter)
So we went to this cabdriver,
and we said to him,
"Where's the action?"
-This kind of masculine,
sort of... -(laughter)
So, so he took us to this place
where they fish illegally.
-See, now you're not supposed...
-(laughter)
JOEL and ARCHIE:
♪ Be prepared ♪
♪ And be careful not to do
your good deeds ♪
♪ When there's no one
watching you ♪
♪ If you're looking
for adventure ♪
♪ Of a new and different kind ♪
♪ And you come across
a Girl Scout ♪
♪ Who is similarly inclined ♪
♪ Don't be nervous,
don't be flustered ♪
♪ Don't be scared ♪
♪ Be prepared! ♪
(laughs)
ARCHIE:
Mm.
That is the most beautiful song
ever written.
Who wrote that song?
Franz fucking Schubert!
-Ah, did he now? -Guys, guys,
you're not in your homes.
Sorry, Sal.
Sally. Sally, Sally.
We were conquerors today.
-Conquerors!
-Veni, vidi, vici!
-That's Latin.
-Is that so?
Sal, Sal, we sold plastic stuff
to people that don't actually
need plastic stuff.
Yeah. See-see, that's what
salesmanship is, Sally.
-Mm-hmm. -Selling things
to people that they don't want.
-It's kind of our calling.
-Two more.
-Then you go home.
-(phone ringing)
-Sally's.
-We're not going home.
-I got to go home.
-Then we'll go home.
I think we just wrote
Samuel Beckett's next play.
It's not that hard.
Joel, it's for you.
I love that people know
how to reach you here.
It's so urban.
(chuckles)
Hello?
Hey, Pen.
Yeah, a certain young man
did send you some flowers.
-Guess he forgot to include
a card. -(coin clattering)
-Good, good, I'm glad.
-(jukebox clicking)
Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, stay up.
-♪ Take out the papers ♪
-All right, bye.
-♪ And the trash... ♪
No. No, Sal.
Who put this song on?
-It offends my sensibilities.
-I don't pick the music.
Yeah, but you can pull the plug.
This song isn't bad.
Penny likes this song.
Penny's young. Penny will learn.
She's meeting the parents
this week.
(laughing):
Oh! Big stuff.
She's pretty nervous.
She doesn't have anything
to be nervous about.
She's a sweet girl.
Penny's great.
-Yeah? -Yeah. Buddy,
everyone loves Penny.
Yeah.
And she's all excited about
seeing The Music Man next week.
Oh, man, we've been dying
to see that show.
Especially Imogene.
How'd you get tickets?
I got friends in high places.
You're the man.
You know, I scored four seats,
so I don't know, if you and
Imogene want to tag along...?
Are you kidding? Imogene would
cancel surgery to see that show.
Yes, we will go.
You want to know what night?
You may have plans.
Whatever's planned is canceled.
-We're going.
-Great!
God, I can't wait to tell her.
And Penny will be excited, too.
(chuckles)
("Brahms Lullaby"
playing on music box)
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
♪ I wonder why nobody
don't like me ♪
♪ Or is it the fact
that I'm ugly? ♪
Excuse me, I'm looking for a man
with a rose in his lapel.
Isn't that fun?
♪ Don't want me no more ♪
♪ Bad talk inside the house
they bring ♪
♪ And when I talk,
they start to sing... ♪
Excuse me. Herb Smith?
That depends.
Are you with the government?
No.
Then I'm Herb Smith.
-I joke.
-Ah.
-Midge Maisel, I presume.
-You said,
"Find the man with the rose
in his lapel."
And you did.
Welcome to my office.
♪ Mama, look at boo boo, they ♪
♪ Shut your mouth, go away ♪
♪ Mama, look at boo boo,
they... ♪
Ever been to the Stage Deli?
Many moons ago.
I'm a little more
Barney Greengrass.
-You hungry?
-I could eat.
Waitress?
-Yep? -Verla, how much
do you love your Herb?
With every bone in my body.
Bring us, uh,
a half pastrami on rye
and a half chopped liver
on challah,
a stuffed cabbage,
some kasha varnishkes,
-and a bit of arugula.
-You got it.
I know what you're thinking.
"He's extremely Jewish."
And extremely hungry.
(chuckles)
Guilty on all counts.
So, tell me why you called.
I'm looking to hone an act.
Great. As what?
A stand-up act.
A comedienne. Intriguing.
-I told you that, didn't I?
-You did. But...
I didn't know
if you were kidding.
Because you're a comedienne.
(chuckles)
Anyhow, I've helped
tons of comics
shape acts over the years.
And I've dabbled in TV a little.
Wrote an episode
of Our Miss Brooks.
-Do you know it?
-I love that show.
Eve Arden's a dream.
-Mm.
-A real dream.
So please, talk.
Well, I did a slot
a few nights ago
talking about a new job I got,
as a makeup counter girl.
I thought it was a natural,
and I... bombed.
Big-time.
It was scary.
I'm getting clammy
just thinking about it.
It's also warm in here.
This what I've
been drawing from...
my comedy notebook.
It's just some
random funny thoughts
I've written down
over the years.
I need someone like you
to make sense of it.
Minnie Pearl has
a comedy notebook.
Puts you in a good company.
"I know you're
probably thinking,
"'If I wanted to hear
a woman yapping,
"I'd have stayed home.'
"But there's no way your mothers
are as funny as I am."
Solid joke.
Tell me more about you.
Well, I've primarily been
a housewife
for the last five years.
A funny Betty Crocker...
that's interesting.
Any kids?
-Two.
-Perfect.
The Doyenne of Domesticity.
That could be a thing.
Well, I'd love to help.
And I can dive in today.
It's 15 bucks for the first
five minutes of material.
Sound good?
Sounds very good.
(laughs)
Tell me more.
I went to Bryn Mawr.
Definitely the funniest
of the seven sisters.
Then brush the color
onto the lid, just lightly,
and stop right here,
about half an inch
before you reach the eyebrow.
I'll never be able
to recreate this tomorrow.
No problem.
I'm coming home with you.
-(giggles) -Saw this for you
in the break room.
-Thanks, Harriet. Excuse me.
-Mm-hmm.
Is that a pickle?
I believe it is a pickle.
Ladies, will you excuse me
just a quick moment?
Absolutely.
(phone rings)
Deli.
MIDGE:
Yes, hello. Is Herb Smith there?
Herb? Phone.
-HERB: Do they sound angry?
-I'm not your fuckin' secretary.
Just come get it.
-This is Herb.
-Herb, hi. Midge Maisel.
And not the IRS? Thank God.
-Good one.
-You get my package?
Shipped it out this morning.
I did get it.
And I'm a little confused.
I don't know if you got
the five messages I left you,
but I have a slot
at the Gaslight tonight.
The Gaslight?
So you know Susie Myerson.
-She's terrific.
-She is.
But I don't have
a lot of time to prepare,
and I'm just wondering
what the deal is
-with the three-by-five cards.
-They're your act.
But... I have no time
to memorize all this.
So you take them up on stage.
It's how all the greats
worked out their acts.
Bob Hope, Moms Mabley...
everybody uses cards.
Yeah, I've seen comics
use cards.
It's fun for the audience to see
a comic working like this.
It can be hit-and-miss at times,
but lots of fun.
-I guess.
-Just have a stool next to you.
You can put the cards
on the stool.
The Gaslight has a stool,
doesn't it?
They do have a stool.
I should have put the stool
in the cards.
The stool is a big thing.
-You see the pickle?
-I did see the pickle.
The pickle's funny.
-The pickle is funny.
-So...
break a leg.
Uh, I will. Thank you, Herb.
Can't wait to hear how it goes.
Bye.
(dial tone sounds)
I'm back, ladies.
-Now, where were we?
-You were on the lids.
Ah, yes.
And next up...
we start from the top,
and then slowly work
our way down.
(sighs)
Just had to see it for myself.
♪ La mer ♪
(door closes)
♪ Qu'on voit danser ♪
♪ Le long des... ♪
Flats are making
a giant difference.
-I'm glad. -I'm just home
for a quick change,
and then I'm heading out.
-I'm meeting a friend
for dinner. -Okay.
I'll pick up the kids from
Mrs. Fulber when I get home.
So, I saw them unboxing
some new dresses
on the seventh floor today.
I'm not even supposed
to be up there,
but I just shoot
the security guard a wink,
and he looks the other way.
Some Chanel came in...
to die for.
And there was this pink one
with a little collar
that was just screaming my name.
There was this purply one,
gloves to match,
that just seemed so you.
Hi, Mommy.
♪ ♪
Uh...
Mama, Ethan and Esther are
supposed to be with Mrs. Fulber.
Fulber's a drunk.
♪ ♪
-JOEL: Come on.
-SHIRLEY: Uh, no.
No. He's the storyteller,
not me.
Ma, you're a great storyteller.
If you don't mind 180-degree
turns halfway through the story.
-(laughter)
-Moishe.
-What?
-Don't tease.
I'm not teasing.
I'm reporting.
What did I tell you?
Greatest show on earth.
You start a story
about a TV repairman,
and then you end it
describing a cruise to Istanbul.
I don't find that normal.
SHIRLEY:
I did love that cruise.
-I would love to go on a cruise.
-We should take a cruise.
Everyone should go on a cruise.
Except Joel...
he gets tummy sick.
-One time. -And it
wasn't even on a cruise ship.
It was on
the Staten Island Ferry,
to visit his cousins
in Bulls Head.
Ma, this is a story
you should not tell.
I want to hear it.
He threw up.
That's the story.
-JOEL: Great story.
-And she got to the end
without talking about elephants
or the Charleston.
-Give your mother some credit.
-(laughter)
Young lady, we want to know more
about you.
(banjo playing,
lively crowd chatter)
♪ ♪
Cutting it close there, gally.
Sorry. Subway stopped
between stations.
We were in pitch black forever.
Pretty sure some guy groped me.
-Well, sometimes you get lucky.
-Just give me
-a minute to calm down.
-You're going on,
you got to get on.
Crowd's gonna thin out.
-Just a quick minute.
-Midge next?
-Midge next.
-What stupid
fucking name are using
this time?
Sadie Morton.
Why not?
What are those?
Just some notes.
You wrote your act on cards?
-Yeah.
-Why?
It's good enough for Bob Hope,
it's good enough for me.
(song ends, applause)
Since when do you pattern
yourself after Bob Hope?
All right, next up
is a really funny comedian.
Give it up for Sadie Morton!
Like that's a real thing.
Hi there, everybody.
Yup. Drink it in...
a woman comedian.
-(laughter)
-A rare sighting.
I know you're probably thinking,
"If I wanted
to hear a woman yapping,
I'd have stayed home."
-(laughter) -But there is no way
your mothers are as funny as me.
(laughter)
All right, all right,
we're having fun here.
So I'm a mother, too,
believe it or not,
of three rambunctious kids.
-Okay, I-I have two kids,
not three. -Oh.
Uh, one day, my oldest came home
from junior high
and said the craziest thing.
Okay, I'm-I'm 26.
I-I didn't give birth at 13.
I would have had to have
given birth at 13.
Uh-uh. Can-can I borrow a pen?
-Mm.
-Thank you.
When I was a kid, my parents
told me I was their favorite,
and that's not just because
I'm an only child.
I actually have a brother,
so that's another thing
that's not quite... accurate.
Uh... you-you know,
my family fights so much
at the dinner table,
I'm thinking of putting up
four ropes and selling tickets.
-I don't get that.
-It's a boxing thing.
-(laughter)
-MIDGE: A boxing thing.
Oh. Oh, okay, I get it.
Thank you, sir.
My husband.
Ooh, I get so mad
when he comes home late,
I grab the frying pan,
hit him over the head,
and doink.
Doink?
An-And... and my mother
is so nosy,
I think
she could win a gold medal.
That's M-E-D-D-L-E,
not-not M-E-D-A-L.
It's more of a visual
spelling joke, I guess. See...
-(microphone feedback) -Ooh.
-(man laughs)
-(people groaning)
-MAN: All right. -WOMAN: Yeah.
Wow. How did Bob Hope
become Bob Hope?
-(Midge laughs)
-Because he's funny.
-(laughter)
-Thank you, sir.
Light's on me, not you.
I went to Bryn Mawr.
That's literally all it says.
Next card.
-Next comedian.
-(laughter)
-Excuse me?
-Bring back the banjo.
-(laughter) -You think
you could do better, asshole?
(crowd sighing, murmuring)
-Probably.
-Oh, great.
Then stand up
and make 'em laugh.
Come on. Let's see what you got.
-What? You leave your balls
at home? -AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh!
-(audience murmuring)
-Fine.
Um, a Spanish magician
tells the audience
he'll disappear
on the count of three.
He says, "Uno, dos." Poof.
He disappeared
without a tres.
(laughter)
(laughter, cheering)
I quit.
Why doesn't this stupid place
have a backstage?
Are you trying to humiliate me?
You're doing a great job
all by yourself.
-What the fuck?
-Don't.
I mean, what the fuck?
I just want
to get the hell out of here.
This isn't even your writing.
Hi, Midge.
What are you doing here?
I came to catch your set.
Nice job.
Nice job?
Were you listening?
The whole time.
You got some good laughs
in the back there.
How far back were you,
Cafe Wha?
Okay, I'm just trying
to catch up here.
-How do you know Herb Smith?
-She answered my ad
in the Hollywood Reporter.
Hi, Susie.
You hired the Stage Deli
bottom-feeder to write your act?
All based on her notebook.
Lot of good stuff in there.
Nothing from these cards
came from my notebook.
Yeah, because he sells
the same crappy jokes
to everyone who hires him.
-He's a fuckin' recycler!
-Didn't say that in the ad.
That would have been
a dumb thing to put in the ad.
I told you it'd be hit-and-miss!
It was all miss, Herb.
Nothing hit!
Please tell me
you did not pay this guy.
-Oh, I paid him.
-Without consulting me?
Hey, Midge, one thought?
Oh, he's got a thought.
The husband joke.
When you hit him over the head
with the frying pan,
it's not "doink."
It's...
"Doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!"
Herb, the thing I'm gonna
hit you over the head with,
your screams are gonna drown out
the doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!
We got to talk.
Good-bye, Herb.
SUSIE:
Herb Smith.
-Really?
-I needed help.
So you hire a guy
that'll work for salami?
I didn't want to bomb again.
-Oh, mission accomplished.
-Ha, ha.
Geez. If I wanted
an act like that,
I'd have booked your husband.
-Real nice. -I thought
we were doing this together.
-Are we not doing this together?
-I'm here, aren't I?
You go behind my back,
you hire a guy to help you.
I'm here to help you.
How? By rushing me onstage
when I wasn't even ready?
-What are you talking about?
-I hardly stepped in the door
and you were pushing me
to go on.
-I wanted you to have
a good audience. -Great job.
-So it's my fault.
-Yes.
-Hey, fuck you.
-No, fuck you.
What is wrong with you?
I can't do this anymore.
-Don't.
-I can't do it.
I-I don't want to do it.
We've talked about bombing.
So you get up on stage and bomb.
See how you like it.
-I'd hate it.
-Well, there you go.
But I'm not a comedian.
You're the comedian.
-Not anymore.
-Bullshit.
-Not anymore.
-Oh. Again?
Okay, fine. So you're
not gonna do this?
-Nope.
-You're giving up?
Yeah.
Fine.
Go get your purse.
Go on home.
But this is good-bye, Miriam.
Or Sadie, or Cuntsy Lou Who
or whatever your name is.
Because that's all
you and I are.
Professional relationship.
Not girlfriends.
-I know that.
-And if there's no profession,
there's no relationship,
capisce?
Good-bye.
Uh, don't forget
your comedy cards.
You paid good money for them.
Don't forget to cancel
that phone you ordered.
Unless it's too late.
Oh, don't worry.
I didn't order the stupid phone.
Maybe I can instinctively
smell a loser!
Fine!
MOISHE: So the priest turns
to the nun and says,
"Excuse me,
are you staring at me?"
-Is this a dirty joke?
-Would I tell a dirty joke
-in mixed company?
-Yes. -Yes.
It's not a dirty joke.
Eat that, honey.
Eat it so that I won't.
-(laughs)
-So, the nun says to the priest,
"I remember you.
We met once at the Vatican."
-This is a dirty joke.
-Not a dirty joke.
And so, the priest says,
"The Vatican's full
"of a lot of priests, all in
robes who look just like me.
How do you know that was me?"
And the nun says...
This is a dirty joke.
-(laughs) -SHIRLEY: I knew it.
-So did I.
All right. I'll resume
smelling my dessert wine
and acting like I know
what the hell I'm talking about.
Excuse me, everyone,
I'm going to go freshen up.
-Because you're stale?
-(laughs)
I'll come with you,
because I am definitely stale.
-(laughs)
-You're gorgeous, too, Shirl.
SHIRLEY: You're killing m
with that tiny tush.
PENNY:
Oh, Mrs. Maisel...
-No.
-What?
-Her. No. -What the hell
are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
How would I know
what you're talking about?
She's young, she's emptyheaded,
she doesn't eat. She's a shiksa.
-So?
-Shiksas are for practice.
Want to say that
a little louder?
I think you heard me just fine.
I don't believe this.
Don't act like a child.
You can't judge her like this.
You don't even know her.
I know enough. That is a girl
that you have on the side, Joel.
It's not a girl you marry.
You don't introduce her
to your fucking parents.
I had Yankees tickets tonight.
She's a good girl. Sweet.
"Sweet." Good.
Sounds like a Danish.
-You'd hate her no matter what.
-Yeah. Convince yourself
of that and then we'll talk.
(footsteps approaching)
No.
I'm eating her dessert.
MOISHE:
Oh, there she is.
I stole... I stole your dessert.
That's okay, Mrs. Maisel.
Oh, call me Shirley.
-Oh.
-MOISHE: I've got another joke.
-It's gonna be dirty again.
-It's not gonna be dirty.
So, a clown walks
into a laundromat.
-SHIRLEY: This is dirty.
-(laughs)
MOISHE:
There's nothing dirty about it.
SHIRLEY:
He told this joke five years ago
in front of the rabbi.
MOISHE: Wait, is this
the dirty temple joke?
SHIRLEY:
It's the dirty temple joke.
MOISHE:
Are you sure?
SHIRLEY: It ends with
cabbage up the chimney.
MOISHE: You're right, it's too
dirty. Funny, but too dirty.
-Okay. Knock, knock.
-SHIRLEY (laughing): Moishe...
(indistinct chatter)
♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪
♪ Ain't ever
what a girl supposes ♪
-(elevator chimes) -♪ Stage door
Johnnies aren't raging ♪
♪ Over you with gems
and roses... ♪
-Hi, Midge. -Morning.
-Good morning.
Morning.
♪ When you let a feller
hold your hand ♪
♪ Which means an extra beer
or sandwich... ♪
(notes sound)
Doors are opening.
-And it begins.
-Good luck.
(indistinct chatter)
Excuse me.
Where's the kitchenware
department?
-Fourth floor.
-Thank you.
No, wait. Sixth.
-Nope. Fifth.
-MARY: Uh, kitchenware's
on the third floor,
southwest side.
Thank you.
-You okay?
-Yeah. I'm just tired.
You look like you haven't
had any fun lately.
That's for sure.
Then you should come to my party
tonight. It's nothing fancy.
Cheap wine and pretzels
and extremely dull boys.
Way to sell.
No, really. It'll be fun.
-♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪
-Maybe.
-♪ Ain't nothing for a girl. ♪
-Thanks for the invite.
(phone ringing)
-Hello?
-ARCHIE: Joel, hi. It's me.
Hey, Arch.
We were just about to step out.
We, uh, meeting
in the lobby or outside?
Joel, sorry,
but we got to beg off.
-What? -We're stuck here.
Babysitter just canceled.
She canceled?
Last second.
She's never done this.
Call another.
You got, like, four of them.
Yeah. They're all booked.
Oh. Well...
I could call Mrs. Moskowitz
and see if she could...
And Imogene's not feeling well.
Cold, or something.
Can we take a raincheck?
It's a Broadway show.
There's no raincheck.
I know.
I feel terrible.
-Arch.
-I'm sorry, buddy.
Really.
I'll see you tomorrow?
Yeah. See you tomorrow.
Bye.
(sighs)
♪ A Be-bop baby ♪
♪ A Be-bop
baby ♪
♪ A Be-bop baby ♪
♪ She's the gal for me ♪
♪ She got plenty of rhythm,
got plenty of jive ♪
♪ And when we dance,
it really comes alive ♪
♪ My love for her's
so tender and sweet ♪
♪ My heart starts pounding
every time we meet ♪
♪ A Be-bop baby
still in her teens ♪
♪ Just as sweet
as she can be... ♪
Hi, there. Midge, right?
From makeup?
-Oh, yes.
-Arnie. Menswear.
-Schlitz?
-Thank you, Arnie.
-So how you liking the job?
-I like it.
Lot of nice girls
down in makeup.
-Very nice.
-It's all men up where I am.
(chuckles)
Comes with the territory.
-So you like Ricky Nelson?
-What I've heard.
It's funny how we all grew up
watching him on TV,
now he's this big rock star.
-The next Elvis.
-Very funny.
(chuckles)
♪ She's the gal for me... ♪
Oh, were you hitting on me?
-Oh, no, I...
-You are. That's so sweet,
but that's not
why I'm here, Arnie.
-I'm sorry.
-No, I'm sorry.
Uh, did you want
the Schlitz back?
No, it's fine.
-Enjoy.
-Thank you.
(gasps)
Midge.
-You came.
-I did.
-Ah!
-Nice place.
Eh, it's, uh, it's home for now.
Uh, Vivian, Harriet,
look what the cat dragged in.
Oh. Hi, Midge.
-Vivian's drunk.
-I'm not a drunk.
I didn't say you were a drunk.
I said you were drunk.
Honey, you have two cups.
What's up with that?
I poured myself a vodka and
I forgot, and I poured a gin.
Guess I could mix 'em.
Oh, Vivian, no, no, no, no, no.
You will thank me
in the morning.
She's not gonna be thanking
anyone in the morning.
I'll keep Vivian close tonight.
I'm not a child.
Hey, we've all done this.
I once mixed tequila,
absinthe and red wine.
-Ooh. -Ouch.
-Came out pink.
I'd never puked
my favorite color before.
I don't even much like
the taste of alcohol.
Oh, me either.
-But I like being tipsy.
-Mmm.
I mean, I wish
there was a pill...
I-I guess there is.
It's called "pills."
Hi, girls. Uh, what happened
to all the guys?
They're clustered in a corner.
Why do they do that?
Why do they cluster like that?
Because we intimidate them
or because
they're finally admitting they
don't know anything about cars?
Lots of tears
and catharsis over that.
Or maybe they're just hoping to
start a really easily-winnable
game of tug-of-war.
Or it's just a bunch of guys
who didn't make their high
school team talking about
how Mickey Mantle
can improve his swing.
(knocking at door)
Hi, Rose.
Did Midge tell you?
I'm bringing Ethan back.
See you later, sport.
Bye, Daddy.
Your wife is working.
Your first apartment?
My very first.
You know, I never had
a first apartment.
I lived with my folks,
went to college, got married.
I've never
killed my own spiders.
What do you do
if you see one?
I assume
just get a new apartment.
Really, three girls
and one bathroom?
And you haven't
tried to kill each other yet?
Just... attack each other
with eyelash curlers,
karate each other
with bra straps...
what happens here?
It's frightening.
♪ Would ya like to know what
kind of conversation goes on ♪
♪ While they're
loafing around at home? ♪
♪ They'll be tryin' out Bevo,
tryin' out cubebs ♪
♪ Tryin' out Tailor Mades
like Cigarette Fiends ♪
♪ And braggin' all about
how they're gonna cover up ♪
♪ A tell-tale breath
with Sen-Sen ♪
♪ One fine night,
they leave the pool hall ♪
♪ Headin' for the dance
at the Arm'ry ♪
♪ Libertine men
and Scarlet women ♪
♪ And Rag-time,
shameless music ♪
♪ That'll grab your son,
your daughter ♪
♪ With the arms of a jungle
animal instinct, mass-steria ♪
♪ Friends, the idle brain is the
devil's playground, trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ With a capital "T" ♪
♪ And that rhymes with "P"
and that stands for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
-♪ Gotta figure out a way ♪
♪ To keep the young ones
moral after school ♪
♪ Our children's children
gonna have trouble, trouble ♪
-♪ Trouble, trouble... ♪
-♪ Mothers of River City ♪
♪ Heed that warning
before it's too late ♪
♪ Watch for the tell-tale
signs of corruption ♪
♪ The minute your son
leaves the house ♪
♪ Does he rebuckle his
knickerbockers below the knee? ♪
♪ Is there a nicotine stain
on his index finger? ♪
♪ A dime novel
hidden in the corn crib? ♪
♪ Is he starting
to memorize jokes ♪
♪ From Captain Billy's
Whiz Bang? ♪
♪ Are certain words creeping
into his conversation? ♪
♪ Words like "swell" ♪
♪ And "So's your old man"?
Well, if so my friends ♪
-♪ Ya got trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River city ♪
-♪ Right here in River city ♪
♪ With a capital "T"
And that rhymes with "P" ♪
-♪ And that stands for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep
the young ones moral after ♪
-♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's
children gonna have trouble ♪
-♪ Trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ With a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P" ♪
-♪ And that stand for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
♪ Remember the Maine, Plymouth
Rock and the Golden Rule ♪
♪ Our children's children
gonna have trouble ♪
-♪ Trouble ♪
-♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
♪ With a capital "T"
and that rhymes with "P" ♪
-♪ And that stands for pool ♪
-♪ That stands for pool ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ We've surely got trouble ♪
-♪ Right here in River City ♪
-♪ Right here ♪
♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep
the young ones moral after ♪
-♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's
children gonna have trouble ♪
♪ Oh, we've got trouble ♪
♪ We're in terrible,
terrible trouble ♪
♪ That game with the 15 numbered
balls is a devil's tool ♪
-♪ Devil's tool ♪ -♪ Oh, yes, we
got trouble, trouble, trouble ♪
♪ Oh, yes, we got trouble here,
we got big, big trouble ♪
-♪ With a "T" ♪
-♪ With a capital "T" ♪
-♪ Gotta rhyme it with "P" ♪
-♪ That rhymes with "P" ♪
♪ And that stands for pool! ♪
♪ That stands for pool! ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII