The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Disappointment of the Dionne Quintuplets - full transcript
Midge begins to move on from her once perfect life. Susie shows Midge the ropes while going on a tour of New York comedy clubs. Rose takes a bit too much pleasure in Midge's new living arrangements.
BARBRA STREISAND:
♪ So long ♪
♪ Sad times ♪
- ♪ Go along, bad times ♪
- (gasps) Wallpaper is amazing!
- ♪ We are rid of you ♪
- (laughs) Told you.
- ♪ At last... ♪
- Oh, my gosh!
♪ Howdy ♪
♪ Gay times ♪
♪ Cloudy gray times ♪
♪ You are now a thing ♪
♪ Of ♪
♪ The past... ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
No. No, no, I'm...
That one is...
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ The skies ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Are clear again ♪
♪ So let's sing a song ♪
♪ Of cheer again ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ All together ♪
♪ Shout it now ♪
♪ There's no one ♪
♪ Who can doubt it now ♪
(baby crying)
♪ So let's tell the world ♪
♪ About it now ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Your cares and troubles ♪
- ♪ Are gone ♪
- How's Gettysburg?
(speaking indistinctly)
♪ There'll be ♪
- ♪ No more ♪
- ALL: ...nine, eight,
- ♪ From now on ♪
- seven, six, five,
- ♪ From now on... ♪
- four, three,
two, one!
Happy New Year!
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ The skies ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Are clear again ♪
♪ So let's sing a song ♪
♪ Of cheer again ♪
♪ Happy times ♪
♪ Happy nights ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are ♪
♪ Here ♪
♪ Again... ♪
(holding final note)
(song ends)
The dishes go in the kitchen.
- Yes, ma'am.
- ROSE: Kitchen's full.
Well, what am I supposed
to do with the dishes?
- Linen closet. -Dishes
in the linen closet, please.
- Yes, ma'am.
- MAN: Well, hold on a second.
Ethan, what are you watching?
Grandma says it's good.
It's Liberace. It's magic.
And he's single.
- Not my type, Mama.
- All right.
I put the other end table
in the kids' room.
We should get rid of this stuff.
- Nonsense. We'll make it fit.
- I should sell it.
- You'll need it.
- Well, the super's
not gonna store my couch
in the basement forever.
He will if he doesn't want
his wife to find out
there's nothing wrong with
Dottie Milford's pipes in 4D.
These can go
in your father's closet.
- ABE: What? What's going
in my closet? -Nothing!
ABE:
This door won't move!
There are things
in front of it. Why?
Am I supposed to live
in here now?
Was that grapefruit
the last breakfast
- I'm ever going to eat?
- Move these, please.
- Why are they moving that?
- Your father's blocked in.
- He is?
- ABE: Yes! He is!
Abe, please relax.
Well, you said this wasn't going
to be an inconvenience.
I consider not being able
to leave my study
somewhat of an inconvenience.
These can go
in the kids' room for now.
- Yes, ma'am. -Keep putting
things in the kids' room,
we won't have anywhere
to put the kids.
Abe, your door is clear!
What's that?
- It's a box of Joel's things.
- I'll take it.
Abe? The boxes have been moved.
- You'll take it where?
- I'll put it in the basement.
Abe! I thought
you wanted to come out.
No. I wanted the option
of coming out.
I'll take care of it.
I should get these to him.
- You sure?
- I'm sure.
Go look in your room...
there's a lovely little surprise
- from your childhood.
- As though my adulthood
hasn't provided
enough little surprises lately.
Oh, he's playing the typewriter.
Isn't that something?
- ♪ ♪
- (rhythmic clacking on TV)
(typewriter bell dings)
Just checking.
(typewriter bell dings)
- ♪ ♪
- (clacking continues)
- Here, take a look at that.
- (typewriter bell dings)
(typewriter bell dings)
(typewriter bell dings)
♪ ♪
(typewriter and orchestra
continue playing)
♪ ♪
- Times and a pack
of Pall Malls. -20 cents.
- Fuck!
- A nickel back.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Take a Bazooka for your son.
- Fuck, you motherfucking whore!
- Hey!
You're in a place of business.
This typewriter's
a piece of shit.
Customers can hear you.
Ha! Hey, Darius, look.
"Susie Myerson...
Personal Management."
Classy, huh?
Nice big letters,
with my number right there
on the bottom.
- That's my number.
- Yeah, I don't have a phone.
Just don't forget
to introduce me
to Dorothy Dandridge
when you make it big.
Oh, when I make it big,
if I'm still hanging with you,
I'm gonna have Dorothy Dandridge
beat me to death
- with Otto Preminger.
- Watch the place a minute?
Yeah. Light a match this time.
(phone rings)
(Susie sighs)
News on Jane.
May I speak
to Susan Myerson, please?
Who the hell is Susan Myerson?
Oh. Susie, hi. Isn't that
your full name? Susan?
- No.
- Your mother named you Susie?
- Yes.
- S-Susie? Like Susie?
- Yes. -You just don't seem
like a Susie.
- But I seem like a Susan?
- Well, no.
What-what do I seem like?
I don't know. A Doug?
- Seriously?
- No, not Doug. Prunella, maybe.
Okay, h-how do you think this
conversation is going so far?
Right. Sorry. Moving on.
Uh, what time
are we meeting up today?
I can't do today... the movers
have been here since 6:00.
And my parents' apartment's
a wreck.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm trying to make this day
- as drama-free as possible...
- Yep. Sure.
...but I ran across this box
of Joel's things, and...
Can I get a candy bar?
- Sure. What kind? -(Midge
continues speaking over phone)
I can't decide between
the Zagnut and the Hershey bar.
Well, personally,
I like the Zagnut. It's filling.
Plus, I had a cousin
who lived on a farm,
used to feed Hershey bars
to the sheep
when they got constipated.
Now, she was a weird broad,
but still,
I could never separate
the two again.
- I'll get the Zagnut.
- Okay.
MIDGE: ...what do I do
with these shoes?
Do I throw them away?
Do I keep them for Ethan?
Oh, I'm just babbling.
Now, how about tomorrow?
Great. Tomorrow's great.
- Around 3:00?
- I'll see you then.
That's my client.
Ah. See my card?
I'm-a... need that back.
(yawns)
My God, I'm so tired.
I'll bring in the dishes, Mama!
Did I do it yet?
ROSE:
Forget about the dishes.
Zelda will be here
in the morning.
I can't move.
- I can't think.
- Don't move. Don't think.
Just drink.
- You made your cocoa.
- My Parisian cocoa.
Oh, you haven't made this
since I left for college.
- Well, you're home now.
I thought we'd celebrate. -Mmm!
(sighs):
Okay.
- MIDGE: Mama, this is delicious.
- ROSE: Mmm.
Excuse me, Ethan.
It is now after dinner.
After dinner is my time to read.
(dummy shouting on TV)
Therefore...
I need the room.
Miriam, does your son not
understand the word "therefore"?
I feel like that's
where I lost him.
Do you need something, Papa?
Yes. Please explain to your son
that I need the room.
- Why?
- Because it's after dinner,
and after dinner...
Rose, please explain to your
daughter that I need the room.
- You can still read.
- The television is on.
- He'll turn it down. -I need
silence. Complete silence.
Abe, perhaps just for tonight.
No, no "Abe,
perhaps just for tonight."
This is how I live my life,
you both know this.
- He's a little boy. -I know
that, which is why I win.
- You can go in your study,
can't you? -(chuckles)
I'm not falling for that again.
- Please, Papa?
- Nope. I'm turning it off.
No, no, no,
Papa, Papa, please don't!
Have you ever been around Ethan
when he can't watch Howdy Doody?
Because it's terrible.
Trust me.
I'm saving you
from something here.
I will not be held hostage
in my own home.
- It's only temporary.
- How do you know?
You don't know how long
you're gonna be here.
It could be days, weeks, years.
- It will not be years.
- And I will not spend years
adjusting to your needs.
See, you have to adjust to mine,
to ours, to your mother's needs,
and mine.
I don't mind
if he watches the show.
Will you just stick
with me, please?
I'm never taking you
into battle.
"I'll meet you later,
once our side has won."
I've got an idea...
why don't we just get
another television set?
- We could put it
in Miriam's room. -Yes.
- No. -A second television's
a wonderful idea.
Ethan could go into my room to
watch his shows, and I can watch
Jack Paar in there at night,
so you don't have to hear it.
I don't like Jack Paar.
There are jugglers on Jack Paar.
- See? -We are not paying
for another TV
just so that you can have
Jack Paar in your bedroom.
We only have this one
in case of a national emergency.
What about the TV
you had in your apartment?
It's in the basement.
I could ask Mrs. Zuckerman
- to bring it up tomorrow.
- No.
Yes! No. Thank you.
That was Joel's TV.
I don't want Joel's TV in here.
I don't want Joel's TV
in here, either.
I don't even want this TV
in here.
That's it, I'm turning it off.
That is that.
- (screaming)
- Oh, holy...
(screaming stops)
Okay.
Just for this evening.
I still control this house!
I'm just doing it from in there.
(horn honking in distance)
Dinner was very good, wasn't it?
Goulash seems to be a dish
that suits all ages.
I'll have Zelda add it
to the rotation
now that the children are here.
I want you to talk to Miriam.
About what?
Her son eats
with his mouth open.
- It needs to stop.
- He's three.
When I was three,
I could resole a shoe.
I'm not sure
that's a direct comparison.
Well... we're doomed.
You know this has been
a very hard time for Miriam.
So much upheaval so quickly.
And you know her...
she thought she had
the whole world figured out.
(groans)
I could've told her she didn't.
I want her to be happy here.
I want it to be a nice stay
for her and the children.
What's the harm
in getting a second TV?
- No.
- We can afford it.
And it would make everything
so much calmer.
I am not a two-TV set
sort of man.
Maybe other people have two TVs.
Maybe Jack Paar has two TVs.
But not me.
End of discussion.
Abe.
I heard myself say,
"End of discussion,"
and yet apparently it's not
the end of the discussion.
Miriam needs calm right now.
She needs a sense
of order and normalcy.
I want her to be as happy
as possible while she waits.
- Waits for what?
- For Joel to come back.
- (groans): Oh, Rose. -Because
he's going to come back,
it's just a matter of time,
and I want her
as distracted and carefree
as possible,
because it
will all be over soon.
Rose, I...
You what?
I...
(clock ticking)
I'm fine with buying
a second television set.
Oh, thank you, Abe.
And when Joel comes back,
we'll get rid of it,
and no one will ever know that
for a brief, shining moment,
you were a two-TV set
sort of man.
(clock ticking)
(clock ticking)
♪ ♪
(lively guitar intro playing)
♪ Well, I was standing
on the corner ♪
♪ With a bucket in my hand ♪
♪ I went looking for a woman ♪
♪ That ain't got no man ♪
♪ 'Cause my bucket's got
a hole in it ♪
♪ Yeah, my bucket's
got a hole in it ♪
♪ Yeah, my bucket's got
a hole in it ♪
♪ Won't hold no beer ♪
♪ Well, it ain't no use... ♪
What do you think?
They deserve a slot?
- I don't like three guitars.
- Goddamn it, Jackie.
You have got to widen your basis
for criticism.
Is it good music?
Are they entertaining?
That's how you judge
shit like this.
Hey, I told you when
I started working here,
I didn't like music.
Look, I'm gonna be
branching out in my life.
I need somebody to pick up
the slack around here.
- You have got to develop
some taste. -Shit.
Now look up there
and tell me what you think.
♪ My bucket's got a hole in it ♪
I like dog acts.
Oh, fuck off, Jackie.
All right, all right.
Stop. 10:45.
And lose a guitar.
Happy?
I find your leadership
confusing.
Next.
Number 34.
34, get up here.
Oh, we're 34.
Next.
Go get a dog.
Oh, you're such an asshole.
Next.
- 35. 35.
- WOMAN: Yes, that's me.
Next.
♪ ♪
What spot's she getting?
Are you kidding?
She can't work here.
But damn, I love the flute.
Okay, back to business.
- You're here.
- I'm here and ready to work.
Great. Now, I have been thinking
I'd like to start
getting you out there.
Small clubs,
maybe some amateur nights.
But just get your sea legs.
I mean,
we don't even really know
who you are yet.
- What does that mean?
- Well, I mean,
what kind of comic are you?
- Are you a planter
or a stalker? -Stalker.
Will you tell one-liners,
stream of consciousness?
- Stream of consciousness.
- Personal? Political?
Personal tinged by political.
Okay. Well, I guess we do know
who you are.
But we have to figure out
what you'll say.
Yes. Good. Here.
I brought this.
- No. I don't want to read your
diary. -It's not my diary.
I don't care what
your first time felt like.
It's not my diary.
It's a notebook
- I write thoughts down in.
- That's a fucking diary.
- No, it's not.
- I don't want to read
the word "ponies" over
and over and over.
I write down thoughts for jokes.
"Oh, I do wish Mitzi Gaynor
was my very best friend."
Just read, please.
- JACKIE: Number 36.
- MAN: Yeah, that's me.
Okay. Well,
there are thoughts here.
- Thank you. -I do, however,
see Mitzi Gaynor is mentioned.
Well, come on, she's adorable.
Fine, but there's more to think
about besides material.
Really? Like what?
Holding for laughs.
- What are you doing?
- Taking notes.
- Holding for laughs.
- Uh, working the room.
- Working the room.
- Dealing with hecklers.
How to enter, how to exit.
How to use a mic;
mics can be very tricky.
Y-You ever here of Joe E. Lewis?
- Of course.
- They say mobsters cut his face
'cause he didn't want to
do a club date? Nope.
Tripped on a mic cord.
- What?
- 30% of all comics die
- from cord-related injuries.
- That's not true.
- Well, it's up there. -Hey, what
do you think about my name?
Well, I wouldn't send my parents
a thank-you card,
but I've heard worse.
- I think I need a new one.
- Why?
I don't want to use
my real name.
- Why not? -Because I don't
want people to know
I'm talking about me.
I want them to think
I'm talking about Tula Raine.
- Huh?
- That's a stripper name.
- What about Lotte McAllister?
- That's an Irish stripper name.
- Use your real one.
- No.
Miriam Maisel's a person.
- Anya Morgenstern...
- Is my cleaning lady. No.
- I'll keep thinking. - Oh, wait.
I got something to show you.
Huh?
(hums)
"Susie Myerson...
Personal Management." Cute.
I'm hand-making these things.
As of now, I have eight,
including the one you are
holding, so I'd like it back.
Oh, hey, Art Joley's doing a set
at Cafe Wha? tonight.
- You should check him out.
- MIDGE: Who?
What do you mean who?
Art Joley?
Guy just got a write-up
in the Times last week.
- Gonna make him a star.
- I've never heard of him.
What?
Well, I've had
some stuff going on.
Jackie, I'm going out.
Oh, come on.
Let's go.
Never heard of Art Joley...
- Where are we going?
- Just clip-clop.
Wait, wait, wait.
SUSIE:
Get all your little things...
- your gloves and
your little book... -Heels.
...and your knick-knacks...
let's go.
♪ ♪
(door bells jingle)
Oh, I love this store.
It's got texture.
My father's study
kind of smells like this.
Hmm, like an armpit
smoked a cigarette?
Oh, this is
the cutest thing ever.
"Bing Crosby
Sings Mother Goose."
I had such a thing for
Bing Crosby when I was little.
Really?
He's so oily looking.
No, he's not.
Like if you got on top of him,
you'd slide right off.
Never watching
White Christmas again.
"Tubby the Tuba."
"Woody Woodpecker."
Ethan would love this place.
Come on, we didn't come
to see this.
There's more?
♪ Moon lights up the night ♪
(cat meows)
♪ I light up
when you call my name ♪
♪ And you know
I'm gonna treat you right ♪
♪ You give me fever... ♪
What is all this?
Don't touch.
Did you tell her not to touch?
Uh, he doesn't want you
to touch.
- I'm picking up on that.
- It's a private collection.
Did you tell her it's
a private collection,
and that all sales are subject
to the owner's approval?
Tell her yourself.
These guys have never spoken
to a viable mate before.
Virgil, Oz, meet Midge.
Nice to meet you, fellas.
Mm, pretty sure that's
the sound of two guys
spontaneously ejaculating.
What is this place?
Uh, part store, part museum,
part archive.
Sound about right, guys?
Yeah, we lost 'em.
These guys are insane
collectors of sound.
Whatever's not
in a mainstream store,
they seek out and find.
My God, political speeches,
concerts.
"Mark Twain presenting at
Royal Albert Hall, 1904."
Did they even have
recording devices then?
This was an early application...
a, uh, articulated
stylus incising...
Bup-bup-bup. Nerd alert.
Come here.
This is the section
I wanted to show you.
Comedy recordings
dating back 50-plus years.
Your Mort Sahls, your
Ernie Kovacs, they're great,
but there is so much more
out there.
- What are these?
- Oh, party records.
They're a whole sub-genre.
It's not really your style,
but you should know
who they are.
- She should be wearing gloves.
- I know.
- Redd Foxx. Never heard of him.
- Oh, you will.
MIDGE:
I'm gonna get this.
- Go, go, go.
- Okay, I'm going.
How much?
- That's not for sale.
- SUSIE: Virgil...
It's my only copy.
- Virgil...
- Buck-fifty.
♪ Tried to kill him... ♪
You know, I'm just realizing
how much I don't know
about everything.
I feel like I've been
living in a bubble,
but I'm gonna catch up,
you'll see.
In college, no one could study
better than I could.
Research? No one was better
at research than me.
I had fabulous binders.
So, where do we start?
Well, are you free
Tuesday night?
I mean,
we could go see some comics.
Tuesday night, comics.
It's a date.
Thanks, boys.
I'll be back.
Go rinse off.
I think this one is perfect.
It will just fit
on your dresser.
Are you sure Papa's okay
with a second TV?
- Yes.
- He seemed adamant.
- Please, it's like the skates.
- What skates?
- When you were ten, you wanted
skates. -(doorbell buzzes)
Your father said no.
You threw such a fit,
he sent you to your room.
Two days later,
I got you skates.
I got you this.
It's what I do.
- I get you things.
- (elevator bell dings)
Rose.
Hello. It's been forever.
Well, hello, Loretta.
How are you, Jerry?
I'm good.
Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
Lobby, please.
Miriam, you remember Loretta?
Her mother lives
in the penthouse.
Miriam, how trim you look.
The last time I saw you,
you were enormous.
- Well, I was pregnant.
- If I had a nickel.
You look wonderful
yourself, Loretta.
I had half my intestine out.
So, Rose, catch me up.
You played hooky
from canasta last week.
Oh, well, we've been very busy.
Joel... you remember Joel...
he got a big promotion,
which is wonderful,
except it keeps him
traveling constantly.
But it's just
so much more money.
He couldn't say no.
So Miriam decided
to remodel their apartment,
and that's been
going on for months.
Their place is a shambles.
Miriam and the children have
been living with us
until Joel gets back
to throttle that contractor.
I can't wait to see
the final product.
We'll have a party... you'll be
the first one in the door.
(elevator bell dings)
Congratulations
on Joel's promotion.
- You must be bursting.
- I am.
Shall we?
(laughter)
REDD FOXX (on record): A guy
went to a private detective,
he said, "Listen,
I want you to find me"
a pretty girl with $500."
The guy say, "I found you
a pretty girl yesterday."
He said, "Well,
you better find her again",
'cause she got my $500."
(laughs)
Two babies were talking once
in the hospital,
and one asked the other, said,
"How you like to be fed,
by the bottle
or by the other way?"
(laughter on record)
- (knocking on door)
- The baby say,
"I'd rather be fed
by the bottle,
because the other way I get
too many ashes in my eyes."
- (record scratches)
- My God.
I was banging on your door
like the grim reaper.
Didn't you hear me?
No, Mama.
What are you listening to?
Nothing, Mama.
Well, dinner is ready.
It's getting cold.
Lamb curry.
I'll be out in a minute, Mama.
(door closes)
Oh...
ROSE:
We can take the lamb curry
off the children-approved meals.
Zelda gave Ethan
a peanut butter sandwich
and sent him to bed.
He's a picky one,
that son of mine.
I talked to Mr. Zuckerman.
He's agreed to store
all of your furniture
for the next two months.
- So it worked.
- Of course it worked.
- What worked?
- Nothing, Abe.
It worked, nothing worked...
ROSE:
Two months is
a good amount of time.
Things should definitely
sort themselves out
in two months.
You know, I read in the paper
that Senator Kennedy is gonna
run for president.
ABE:
That pretty boy?
Just because he's attractive
doesn't mean he's unqualified.
Of course it does.
To be truly effective,
you must be ugly.
- That's ridiculous.
- (phone rings)
I'll get it.
Look at all the great
thinkers of our time.
- The great men.
- The great women.
- Especially the women.
- ROSE: Hello?
- They are all, to a tee...
- ROSE: Hello?
...extremely unpleasant
to look at.
I think Senator Kennedy's
brilliant.
Of course you do.
And when did you start
- to read the paper?
- ROSE: They hung up.
- I read the paper.
- Yeah, only the shoe ads.
You don't like Kennedy
- because he's wealthy.
- Shady money.
So you hate him
because of his father.
His father is a terrible man.
An anti-Semite,
an isolationist.
- (phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Why are you doing this?
- ABE: Hello?
- Doing what?
You're baiting your father.
- I'm not.
- ABE: Hello?
He shares his opinion,
I share mine.
Well, don't do that.
Just let him win.
- They hung up. (clears throat)
- ROSE: Oh.
So, if you don't like Kennedy,
who do you want
for president, Nixon?
Oh, my God.
When Richard Milhous Nixon
becomes president,
we move to France.
I would love to move to France.
We're not moving to France.
- (phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Hello, Joel.
JOEL: Wasn't sure you'd
remember our system.
I remember it.
It's been a while
since we were dating.
I came up with the system.
- So, you called?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just, uh,
thought you should know
that I got a place,
an apartment.
Figured it was time to
get out of Archie and Imogene's.
I'm sure it was.
JOEL: So, uh, now that
I have my own place,
I... I'd like to see Ethan
a little more,
if that's all right.
Oh, uh, well,
tell me about
this new place of yours.
JOEL:
Nothing much to tell. (chuckles)
Is it appropriate for Ethan?
It's not one of those
downtown, fifth floor walk-ups
with no hot water and
a bathtub in the kitchen, is it?
No, no. Bathtub's down the hall.
(chuckles)
- Ha ha.
- No, it-it's not a palace,
but, uh, it's clean,
it's got an elevator,
and, uh, there's a bed for him
if he wants to nap
or stay over.
- Well, that sounds fine.
- So, maybe tomorrow?
You could drop him
by the office.
He always likes emptying
the staplers.
Drives everyone crazy
the next day, but...
I have no interest in
stopping by your office.
Oh. Yeah, sorry.
Um, well, I-I could come
pick him up, then.
I'll just swing by
your place around 5:00?
5:00 is fine.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So... how are you?
Okay, see you tomorrow at 5:00.
♪ ♪
(playing "On the Sunny Side
of the Street")
♪ ♪
ETHAN:
Piano.
That's fun, isn't it?
Hey, maybe I can get you
some lessons, now that... wow.
Immediate loss of interest.
The boy becomes a man.
Hey, Ethan, don't run away
from me like that, okay?
It's fine.
He's more than welcome.
- Oh, thank... oh!
- I'm so sorry.
- That's... oh, oh, I think
you broke a heel. -Oh, did I?
I'm just so late.
I'll fix it later.
I hope she hasn't spoken yet.
(crowd cheering nearby)
JANE JACOBS:
And, as of today,
the Board of Estimates
has passed a resolution
to authorize the temporary
closing of the park
to all traffic.
(cheers and applause)
Hey, what's going on?
Shh, Jane's speaking.
- Jane who?
- Jane Jacobs.
Yes.
Uh, who is Jane Jacobs?
- You've never heard
of Jane Jacobs? -No.
- Where have you been?
- The Upper West Side.
(chuckles)
Here.
This battle is our battle,
the people of Greenwich Village.
The ones who understand
that cities are made up
of more than buildings
and roads.
People make up a city.
(cheers and applause)
I don't understand.
It says that they want
to build a road. Where?
Here. Right through
the middle of the park.
This park?
This beautiful park?
Oh, I don't believe that.
You must have read this wrong.
All of you who came out today
and marched and made signs,
you have made your voices heard.
So, today, it should be
your voice speaking.
(cheers and applause)
You read this right. Wow.
JACOBS:
It's your park, it's your city.
You should tell your stories.
Anyone who wishes to speak,
come up and speak.
Just do it loud enough
that Robert Moses can hear you
over his bulldozers.
- Yes!
- (crowd cheering)
Who is Robert Moses?
The road is his idea.
What a son of a bitch.
You there... you seem
to have a lot to say.
Who, me?
Oh, no, I-I just got this,
and it-it's just terrible.
Somebody should do something.
- We are.
- (crowd laughs)
Yes, you are. I see.
Uh, this is
a very impressive gathering.
Why don't you come up
and share your story?
Me? Oh, uh, well...
Come on up.
Share your story.
(crowd cheering)
Hello.
My name is Miriam Maisel.
Oh, uh, "Midge" is fine,
actually.
So... I don't live
anywhere near here.
And I have absolutely no idea
what's going on, at all.
I mean, five minutes ago,
I was buying records for my son,
and he wanted to walk
through the park and then
I stumbled upon this rally
and I was like,
"So many women in one place...
two-for-one pantyhose?"
And then I heard about you...
and you...
and-and this so-called
Robert Moses?
Well, I mean,
he's not "so-called,"
but he sounds terrible.
And I'm...
I-I'm kicking myself
for being so out of the loop.
I'm trying to read more papers
lately. It's interesting...
my father pointed out that my
favorite part about a newspaper
is the ads for shoes.
And I felt bad about that,
but now I think
maybe they just put those ads
in newspapers to distract us.
- ALL: Yeah!
- Because if women don't realize
what's going on in the world,
they won't step in and fix it.
Oh, that's good.
Write that down.
Because they will fix it.
(crowd cheering)
- And accessorize it!
- (cheering grows louder)
MRS. MOSKOWITZ (over phone):
Joel Maisel's office.
Hello?
Yes, this is
Joel Maisel's office.
Who is this?
This is Mrs. Moskowitz.
Who is this?
I'm Mrs. Maisel.
(chuckling):
Oh. Any relation?
Uh, yes. Listen, I-I'm supposed
to meet Mr. Maisel tonight.
He's taking his son
for the evening,
but I got hung up,
and I'm not gonna be able
to make it uptown in time
to meet him.
- "Mrs. Maisel"?
- And since I'm already downtown,
I thought maybe I could just
drop Ethan by Joel's new place,
but I don't have
his new address.
Oh, well, I can give you that.
Let's see here.
Uh, there it is.
715 West 116th Street.
- E-Excuse me?
- Is that wrong?
Yes, it-it must be wrong.
I meant his new address,
for his new apartment.
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
That's his new address.
Oh.
I-I just assumed...
he-he didn't move downtown?
Is 116th Street downtown?
- No.
- Oh.
Well, I live in Queens so...
All right. Thank... well,
thank you for your help.
Mrs. Maisel!
You're his wife...
Can I help you?
Uh, Joel Maisel?
DOORMAN:
3C.
(elevator bell dings)
- Evening.
- 3C.
(elevator bell dings)
Third floor.
- (door locks)
- PENNY: Joel! Joel!
- JOEL: What?
- PENNY: Midge is here.
(footsteps approaching)
- What are you doing here?
- I'm dropping off your son.
I went by the house to get him.
You weren't there.
I know. I got held up.
So, let's see the new digs.
Huh.
Interesting.
- Hi-ya.
- I was worried.
You should've called.
Hey, pal.
Hey, Daddy. We got records.
JOEL: Well, that's great,
that's great.
I did call.
I talked to your secretary.
Better watch that one.
You know secretaries.
Okay, so, I'm glad you're okay.
- Thank you for dropping him off.
- You are welcome.
Hey, ducks.
So, your apartment.
It's nice, it's really nice.
- Thank you. -In fact, it looks
an awful lot like our place.
- What?
- The building, the hallway,
the old man in the elevator.
- Midge. -And isn't that
the couch I wanted to buy,
but you said was too deep?
- I don't remember what couch
you... -You know, it's funny,
I thought I'd find you squatting
in some downtown,
smoke-filled atelier,
not two blocks away, living the
Methodist version of our life.
With the Methodist
version of me.
Does she have an "on" switch?
Ethan's good now,
you can go if you want.
No, he was throwing up earlier.
I figure I should stay around
a minute, make sure
he's not gonna blow again.
- What?
- You know what's funny?
I don't have
my apartment anymore.
You have my apartment.
You have a lot
of my things, actually.
- You're welcome.
- (timer dings)
- Dinner?
- Yes.
- What?
- Pot roast.
The Methodist version
of brisket.
Can we discuss this
some other time? Please?
Uh, where's he going?
Where's he going?
JOEL:
Boy.
Do you know
how to make an entrance.
So is this
what you were missing, Joel?
Pot roast and Santa Claus?
I don't want
to talk about this here.
Should we get lunch somewhere?
Is there a mayonnaise
and Wonder Bread cafe
opening up somewhere
we could try?
I was gonna come pick him up.
I was gonna come to you so that
you wouldn't have to come here.
You are a prince, a real prince.
I hope Penny knows
what a prince you are.
I don't understand you, Midge.
You don't understand me?
Me? Me?
I said I'd come back.
- Remember?
- Oh, boy.
I came to you
and I said let's try again.
- You said no.
- Oh, no, uh-uh.
You don't get to rewrite this.
You're the one who left. Not me.
I'm the good guy,
you're the bad guy.
Stamp it, ship it,
that's all she wrote, folks.
- Fine. -When are you coming
to get your things?
- I don't know.
- You have things at my house
- and I want them gone.
- You said you'd pack them up.
I'm not packing up your things.
Penny can pack up your things.
Or you can buy new things,
for your new life.
- I'll come get them.
- Not when I'm home.
Fine, I'll come get
my things when you're not home.
- Because we're four.
- You're four.
And I want my notebook.
- What notebook?
- My comedy notebook.
You mean my comedy notebook.
It was about me.
Everything's about you.
I want it.
Why? You quit, remember?
I might try again.
You don't know.
It's mine, I want it.
Well, I-I don't know
where it is, but even if I did,
as long as you have
Bob Newhart's album,
you'll be fine.
(scoffs)
Low blow, Midge.
You said you didn't want
our life.
But this is our life.
Y-You didn't go somewhere
exotic or different,
you went across
the fucking street.
- I had to.
- You had to?
- Why? Tell me why.
- It doesn't even...
Goddamn it, Joel, I'll do it.
Because...
after that night, at the club,
after I failed like that,
I just knew you'd never
look at me the same again.
You tell me I'm not right.
Well, you're right.
Just not about the club part.
Sorry I got you
mixed up in this.
Tell Ethan I'll pick him up
tomorrow.
Don't baptize him
while I'm gone.
(door slams)
♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪
♪ A man of many faults ♪
♪ A clumsy Joe
who wouldn't know ♪
♪ A rhumba from a waltz ♪
♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪
♪ And not my cup of tea ♪
♪ Why do I get in a dither? ♪
♪ He doesn't belong to me ♪
♪ He'll never belong to me. ♪
Well, that's a smell.
First stop of the night,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now, this shithole is
kind of an off-the-grid place.
Established comics
do not come here
unless they're
trying out material
they want no one to see.
Bookers do not come here.
You will never see Jack Paar
represented here
in any way, shape or form.
My father will be very relieved.
What are you doing?
Taking notes. Research.
You gonna write everything down?
Everything I think
is pertinent or interesting,
or could be pertinent
or interesting.
So the answer's yes.
"No Jack Paar in this shithole."
What's this place called?
- "This shithole."
- You're kidding.
Well, not officially,
but by anyone who's been here.
- Hmm. -Now the good thing
about this place,
it's a great spot
to catch unusual acts
you might never see
anywhere else.
Hey, who's this guy?
He's from Montana.
Huh. And what's his blood type?
I don't know.
Well, you told me one useless
piece of shit detail,
I thought you could
throw in another.
(groans)
What?
What are you doing?
I had a funny thought.
Well, by all means,
keep it a secret.
All the best comics do.
I should get another notebook.
What on earth is he doing?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have terrible news.
My best friend,
my partner for many years...
he was like a brother to me...
Randy here...
...has committed suicide.
Look.
Lifeless.
- (laughs) -I just found him
backstage, and...
he didn't even leave a note.
But...
the show must go on.
And so I will now do
our two-man show act
without him.
Hey there, Randy,
how you doing tonight?
And then Randy would say,
"You mean
who am I doing tonight?"
That would always get
a pretty big laugh.
(both laugh)
He had such great delivery.
And then I'd say, "Randy",
watch what you're saying,
there's ladies in the audience."
And he'd say...
And he'd say...
(crying): He'd say
"How big are their tits?"
(both laugh)
Why is this so funny?
I have no fucking idea.
Hey, you don't think
this is funny?
(laughing)
People are funny in Montana.
Oh, my God.
So how come when
you're having trouble sleeping,
they tell you to count sheep?
I mean, sheep are
quite adorable, aren't they?
Yeah, I see a little sheep
jumping over a fence,
I become invested in that cute
little sheep's life story.
- (laughter)
- Where's he running to?
What's he running from?
And now, instead
of getting sleep,
I am wide awake with anxiety
worrying if my new little
friend's gonna be okay.
SUSIE:
Upstairs at the Downstairs.
Now this is a good
mainstream club.
Everybody comes here.
Bookers, managers, agents,
writers come here all the time.
COMIC: I'll tell you,
I like having things to do,
but I hate having to do things.
Same words, different order,
makes all the difference.
Having things to do,
that's an option.
Having to do things,
that's a demand.
- (laughter) -Having things
to do, quite pleasant.
Go for a walk, catch a ball
game, meet a friend for coffee.
Having to do things,
never pleasant.
Take out the trash,
change a lightbulb,
- go visit your mother.
- (laughter)
See, this guy here,
he's not really my thing,
- but he's very solid.
- These are the things
that we need to learn in school.
Instead, they teach us
a whole bunch of things
that we will never, ever use,
like knowing
about the War of 1812.
- (laughter) -Come to think
of it, that's all I remember.
Oh, I don't remember
what that war was about.
I think it was
because it was 1812.
- (laughter)
- They had no radio, no TV.
There was nothing to do
except go to war.
"So, um, why are we at war?"
"Uh, because it's 1812."
- (laughter) -You see
how he waits after the laugh.
Now, sometimes...
and you got to feel it...
I-if you let a joke sit
long enough...
(laughter)
Two laughs for the price of one.
COMIC:
All right.
Hey, that's Marty Kahn.
Is that good?
Marty Kahn
is a very important Booker.
He handles a lot
of the Eastern seaboard clubs.
I want to meet him.
- I want you to meet him.
- Okay.
(exhales)
Lots of confidence.
And remember.
MIDGE:
I know, tits up.
Marty Kahn,
how the hell are you?
Susie Myerson.
- Uh, my card.
- Okay.
Personal management, huh?
What do you manage?
- I manage her.
- Singer?
- Comedienne.
- Really. She funny?
She's hilarious.
She's got a great, tight ten,
working on some new material.
Time to expand, you know?
Well, she's a looker.
I'd love to see her work.
Well, I will let you know once
we have a firm date nailed down.
Hey, can I get a couple more
cards for my partners?
Uh, sure, Marty.
- H-How many partners you got?
- Three.
Uh, can two of 'em share?
Okay. Here you go.
Three more cards.
Okay. Talk soon.
Yes. Talk soon.
(sighs) We better get something
off that four-card fucker.
Question, should I have talked?
- You did, didn't you?
- No.
Oh. Yes, next time, talk.
And you'll tell him my name.
I didn't? Aw, fuck me.
(gasps)
Ooh, that's Benny Mann.
That guy's got a stranglehold
on Florida.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
You stay here.
Apparently,
I can't work with props yet.
COMIC: ...of the world's
largest empire,
and today he's a salad.
I like that stool lean.
Well, that is all for me,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Howard Fawn.
Thank you and good night!
(cheering and applause)
What are you doing?
Are you stealing my act?
- What? Oh, no.
- I am so sick of this.
- Who sent you?
- No one.
Someone out of L.A.?
Hired some local girl
who knows shorthand?
Hey, I'm not a shorthand girl.
It wasn't Buddy Hackett, was it?
Oh, I didn't think he'd dare,
not after I flattened him
the last time.
- No, Buddy Hackett did not...
- Dana? Greene?
- If it was Greene, I swear...
- Why do you assume
- someone sent me?
- What?
Why couldn't I be stealing
your act for myself?
Are you kidding me?
You can't do my act.
What, you think it's so hard?
I mean, frankly,
other than that stool lean,
it's a fairly pedestrian set.
"Fairly pedestrian."
Hackett did send you, didn't he?
- That motherfucker.
- What is happening here?
I am perfectly capable
of stealing your act for myself.
Whoa!
Nobody's stealing acts here.
And after I stole it,
I could do it better.
- And in heels! -Yeah, yeah?
- Okay, we're leaving.
You-you tell Hackett, he shows
his face around here again,
- I'll break his other leg!
- All right!
SUSIE:
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Uno, dos, uno, dos, tres!
(band playing)
(grunts)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- (bandleader grunts)
- MAN: Come on, come on, come on.
- SUSIE: I appreciate this,
Lanie. -Appreciate nothing.
- We have a deal.
- Well, appreciation's
- a valuable commodity
these days. -Uh-uh.
You promised me a prime spot
at the Gaslight for two weeks
- if I got you in here.
- Yeah...
Yeah, what? You promised.
I know. I just...
You're so terrible.
- That doesn't matter. -You
really... You have no talent
- at all. -I didn't ask
for your opinion on my singing.
Oh, you're a singer?
See, I just thought
you had your sack caught
in your zipper.
Hey! I did you a favor here!
Susie, how about we save
the constructive criticism
- for another time?
- All right.
Prime spot for two weeks.
But practice.
Do some scales, please.
I am begging you.
Okay. Come on.
Wait here. I have to make sure
my manager's not looking.
Hey. Lanie!
(groans)
Little pussy.
He'd better come through.
Well, welcome to the Copa.
Oh, I've been to the Copa.
You have?
We came last year
for our anniversary.
Hmm. Oh.
However, I've never been
to the kitchen at the Copa.
- A night of firsts.
- Mm-hmm.
So, Red Skelton's
headlining tonight.
You know Red Skelton?
- Of course.
- You ever seen him live?
No. Saw him on
Steve Allen once, though.
Better live. He's great live.
I mean, this guy's timing?
Rock solid.
He's never off, ever.
Mm.
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
- Red Skelton.
- Where the fuck is Lanie?
- We're missing him.
- Mm.
Wait, we can see him from here.
SUSIE:
Where?
Yeah. Life's recurring joke.
- What? Oh, sorry. -RED: Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's nice to be
at the Copa tonight.
- Here. -Oh, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's really quite
a thrill to be here.
- Stand up on there.
- Yeah, I get the concept.
RED:
As I was walking here tonight,
there were a lot of people
outside. Someone yelled,
"Red Skelton's in the crowd,
Red Skelton's in the crowd!"
Everybody turned around
and looked at me, and gee,
I was so embarrassed,
I was sorry I yelled.
(laughter)
- Y-You see how he...
- Yep, got it.
- A-And you see the way...
- And then he turns around.
RED:
Next week, I'm going down
to the Fontainebleau Hotel...
that's down
in Miami Beach, Florida...
and have you ever
seen that place?
Oh, this is the biggest hotel
in the world, believe me.
I've played towns smaller.
From your bedroom
to the bathroom,
they've got Burma-Shave signs.
(laughter)
Goddamn, I love that guy.
Fucking Lanie. I mean,
a prime spot for two weeks
to get me in the room,
not to dump me in the kitchen.
It's okay. I don't mind.
Yeah, well, of course you don't.
You've been to the Copa,
I haven't.
- I'll be right back.
- Be nice.
SUSIE:
Yep.
RED: I was in a club
and everyone was so drunk,
I could hardly see them.
(chuckles)
(laughter)
Oh, I had a swell time.
I'll be glad when that swelling
goes down, though, uh...
Oh, no, believe me,
I was as sober as the next guy.
I was as sober as the next guy.
Unfortunately, the next guy
was Dean Martin.
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheering)
(applause, cheering)
(speaking indistinctly)
(laughs)
Oh, stop...
all right, keep going.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Oh.
- We got to go.
MIDGE:
What... you weren't nice?
Not nice, not nice at all.
- Fast walk, fast walk.
- Mm-hmm.
So, your brother's smart, huh?
My brother's brilliant,
just like my father.
I'm so proud of him.
He's working
for the military now,
developing a sonar machine
that can talk to whales
to tell them to get
out of the way of boats.
Is that really what your brother
told you he does?
I-Invents a whale-saving
machine?
Yes. Why?
That's cute. You're cute.
Is he close with your parents?
My father is closest
to my brother,
and my mother's closest to me.
You okay with that situation?
You're asking me an awful lot
of questions tonight.
Well, I find you fascinating.
You're like a super coiffed
science experiment.
- I thought maybe you were trying
to be friends. -What? No.
I'm just trying to inspire
some thoughts for that notebook.
Oh. Okay.
Seems like you want
to be friends.
I do not want to be friends.
I'd like to be friends.
You really think the military
gives a shit about whales?
We went out tonight
like friends.
We went out tonight
so you could learn a few things.
This was school.
You know my husband left me.
You know my father
likes my brother best.
You know my father teaches
at Columbia,
my mother went
to school in Paris.
You know I made
the cheerleading squad
but quit because my mother
feared the bouncing
would shorten the shelf life
of my breasts.
Yeah, your mother's nuts.
You got to use her.
I don't know anything about you.
- 'Cause you don't have to.
- But maybe I want to.
Look, both of our futures depend
on you making jokes
about your weird life.
I ask you questions
to help you figure out
what painful and humiliating
moments we can exploit
to make a lot of money off of,
not because I care,
because I don't.
You want your fries?
Yes.
Fine.
Though you haven't
had a freaking fry
in, like, the last
three minutes.
♪ If the skies are gray ♪
♪ Long as I can be with you,
it's a lovely day... ♪
Only if you tell me something
about your family.
What am I, a trained seal?
I'd like to be friends.
Yeah, and I'd like to eat
at Peter Luger's every night,
but life's a bitch.
(grunts)
♪ Just as you were going,
leaving me... ♪
My brother's an asshole.
My other brother's an asshole.
My sister's okay,
but she's married to an asshole.
My mother washes sheets
14 hours a day.
Once a year, she gets drunk
and tells us about the time
she came in third
in the Miss Rockaway pageant,
and then sings "Danny Boy,"
which is what she did
for the talent portion.
And you realize just how
great-looking she must've been
if they actually gave her
anything after that racket.
And then she passes out,
pisses herself,
and doesn't speak to anyone
for the next three weeks.
And your dad?
Oh, he's fine.
Yeah, he's a trader
at E.F. Hutton.
- He just bought a boat.
- Really?
No. Haven't seen the man
for 15 years.
He's a total
and complete asshole.
♪ Long as I can be with you ♪
♪ It's a lovely day ♪
♪ Long as I can be with you... ♪
Thank you for tonight.
♪ It's a lovely day... ♪
You're welcome.
It's been really illuminating.
I just, I want to be really,
really good at this.
I want to be the best.
So, I was wondering if you
maybe want
to do it again tomorrow?
Not as friends,
just as study partners.
Hit a couple clubs.
- Midge. -I'll pay for us
to get into the Copa.
Inside, with a table
and everything.
I can't do this again
tomorrow night; I have a job.
Yeah, Mom and Dad
don't pay my bills.
Right. You're right.
I-I'm sorry.
Look, I'm glad this helped,
and I love the enthusiasm,
but at the end of the day,
you got to know
that there's really only one way
to truly master stand-up.
You just have to do it.
Yeah.
♪ Long as I can be with you ♪
♪ It's a lovely day. ♪
I'd start with
that whale-saving story.
That thing's a hoot.
ABE:
Miriam, come in here, please.
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
Where have you been?
You scared the daylights
out of me.
- Answer me, Miriam.
- I was out.
- "Out" where?
- With a friend.
- What friend? -I'm sorry,
did something happen?
- Do you know what time it is?
- It's late.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
Don't you wear a watch?
Not with this outfit.
We were worried, Miriam,
worried sick,
if you must know.
Your mother vomited.
I did not vomit.
Well, she did something
in the bathroom
that took a very long time.
And she did not come out
looking happy.
- I'm sorry I was late, but...
- But what?
You do know I'm not 16 anymore,
don't you?
We thought we did,
but then you act like this,
- sneaking out...
- I did not sneak out.
- ...sneaking in.
- I did not sneak in.
You left your baby here alone.
With her grandparents.
And where is your son, anyway?
- Shooting craps.
- What?
He's with Joel. Shooting craps.
- Oh. -I-I'm kidding. Can we just
lighten the mood a little?
No, we cannot. You know
the rules of this house.
Rule number one: you do not
leave your towels on the floor...
we'll get back to that,
by the way...
rule number two: home by 11:00.
- Are you kidding me?
- 10:00 if you keep arguing.
You can't give me a curfew.
I'm a 26-year-old woman,
I have two children.
As long as you're living under
this roof, my rules apply.
Mama, this is a tad
overdramatic, don't you think?
You could've been dead
and dismembered in an alley.
- Oh, my God.
- The Dionne quintuplets
would be very disappointed
in you right now.
I'm going to bed.
That's it! I've changed my mind.
No Jack Paar for you.
- What? -Because of your
behavior tonight,
I am not buying you a TV. See?
There are consequences.
Lesson learned.
Good. Now go to your room.
And if I see those towels
on the floor again,
you'll be air-drying
for a month!
(quietly):
Miriam?
Don't worry. We'll get the TV in
a couple of weeks, you'll see.
Do you want me
to make us some cocoa?
No, thank you.
Well, if you change your mind.
Joel moved in with Penny,
by the way.
JACK PAAR:
I would like you now to meet
a very, very funny guy.
Welcome, please, Don Adams.
(applause, music playing)
Thank you, good evening.
As you probably know,
some of the most successful
television shows
of the past couple of years
have been about lawyers.
And, uh, in keeping
with this trend,
you know,
like The Defenders and, uh...
I've got to get a job.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ I put on a fake smile ♪
♪ And start the evening show ♪
♪ The public is laughing ♪
♪ I guess by now they know ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ So climb
from your high horse ♪
♪ And pull this
freak show down ♪
♪ Dear Madam Barnum ♪
♪ I resign as clown ♪
♪ You said I was the master ♪
♪ Of all I surveyed ♪
♪ But now I'm sweeping up ♪
♪ The last in line
in your circus parade ♪
♪ Children are clapping ♪
♪ As I fall to the floor ♪
♪ My heart torn and broken ♪
♪ And they just scream
for more ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ If I'm not the sole fool ♪
♪ Who pulls his trousers down ♪
♪ Then, dear Madam Barnum ♪
♪ I resign as clown ♪
♪ You tread the high wire ♪
♪ Between truth and lies ♪
♪ Your safety net
just walked out ♪
♪ Much to your surprise ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey. ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII
♪ So long ♪
♪ Sad times ♪
- ♪ Go along, bad times ♪
- (gasps) Wallpaper is amazing!
- ♪ We are rid of you ♪
- (laughs) Told you.
- ♪ At last... ♪
- Oh, my gosh!
♪ Howdy ♪
♪ Gay times ♪
♪ Cloudy gray times ♪
♪ You are now a thing ♪
♪ Of ♪
♪ The past... ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
No. No, no, I'm...
That one is...
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ The skies ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Are clear again ♪
♪ So let's sing a song ♪
♪ Of cheer again ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ All together ♪
♪ Shout it now ♪
♪ There's no one ♪
♪ Who can doubt it now ♪
(baby crying)
♪ So let's tell the world ♪
♪ About it now ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Your cares and troubles ♪
- ♪ Are gone ♪
- How's Gettysburg?
(speaking indistinctly)
♪ There'll be ♪
- ♪ No more ♪
- ALL: ...nine, eight,
- ♪ From now on ♪
- seven, six, five,
- ♪ From now on... ♪
- four, three,
two, one!
Happy New Year!
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are here again ♪
♪ The skies ♪
♪ Above ♪
♪ Are clear again ♪
♪ So let's sing a song ♪
♪ Of cheer again ♪
♪ Happy times ♪
♪ Happy nights ♪
♪ Happy days ♪
♪ Are ♪
♪ Here ♪
♪ Again... ♪
(holding final note)
(song ends)
The dishes go in the kitchen.
- Yes, ma'am.
- ROSE: Kitchen's full.
Well, what am I supposed
to do with the dishes?
- Linen closet. -Dishes
in the linen closet, please.
- Yes, ma'am.
- MAN: Well, hold on a second.
Ethan, what are you watching?
Grandma says it's good.
It's Liberace. It's magic.
And he's single.
- Not my type, Mama.
- All right.
I put the other end table
in the kids' room.
We should get rid of this stuff.
- Nonsense. We'll make it fit.
- I should sell it.
- You'll need it.
- Well, the super's
not gonna store my couch
in the basement forever.
He will if he doesn't want
his wife to find out
there's nothing wrong with
Dottie Milford's pipes in 4D.
These can go
in your father's closet.
- ABE: What? What's going
in my closet? -Nothing!
ABE:
This door won't move!
There are things
in front of it. Why?
Am I supposed to live
in here now?
Was that grapefruit
the last breakfast
- I'm ever going to eat?
- Move these, please.
- Why are they moving that?
- Your father's blocked in.
- He is?
- ABE: Yes! He is!
Abe, please relax.
Well, you said this wasn't going
to be an inconvenience.
I consider not being able
to leave my study
somewhat of an inconvenience.
These can go
in the kids' room for now.
- Yes, ma'am. -Keep putting
things in the kids' room,
we won't have anywhere
to put the kids.
Abe, your door is clear!
What's that?
- It's a box of Joel's things.
- I'll take it.
Abe? The boxes have been moved.
- You'll take it where?
- I'll put it in the basement.
Abe! I thought
you wanted to come out.
No. I wanted the option
of coming out.
I'll take care of it.
I should get these to him.
- You sure?
- I'm sure.
Go look in your room...
there's a lovely little surprise
- from your childhood.
- As though my adulthood
hasn't provided
enough little surprises lately.
Oh, he's playing the typewriter.
Isn't that something?
- ♪ ♪
- (rhythmic clacking on TV)
(typewriter bell dings)
Just checking.
(typewriter bell dings)
- ♪ ♪
- (clacking continues)
- Here, take a look at that.
- (typewriter bell dings)
(typewriter bell dings)
(typewriter bell dings)
♪ ♪
(typewriter and orchestra
continue playing)
♪ ♪
- Times and a pack
of Pall Malls. -20 cents.
- Fuck!
- A nickel back.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Take a Bazooka for your son.
- Fuck, you motherfucking whore!
- Hey!
You're in a place of business.
This typewriter's
a piece of shit.
Customers can hear you.
Ha! Hey, Darius, look.
"Susie Myerson...
Personal Management."
Classy, huh?
Nice big letters,
with my number right there
on the bottom.
- That's my number.
- Yeah, I don't have a phone.
Just don't forget
to introduce me
to Dorothy Dandridge
when you make it big.
Oh, when I make it big,
if I'm still hanging with you,
I'm gonna have Dorothy Dandridge
beat me to death
- with Otto Preminger.
- Watch the place a minute?
Yeah. Light a match this time.
(phone rings)
(Susie sighs)
News on Jane.
May I speak
to Susan Myerson, please?
Who the hell is Susan Myerson?
Oh. Susie, hi. Isn't that
your full name? Susan?
- No.
- Your mother named you Susie?
- Yes.
- S-Susie? Like Susie?
- Yes. -You just don't seem
like a Susie.
- But I seem like a Susan?
- Well, no.
What-what do I seem like?
I don't know. A Doug?
- Seriously?
- No, not Doug. Prunella, maybe.
Okay, h-how do you think this
conversation is going so far?
Right. Sorry. Moving on.
Uh, what time
are we meeting up today?
I can't do today... the movers
have been here since 6:00.
And my parents' apartment's
a wreck.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm trying to make this day
- as drama-free as possible...
- Yep. Sure.
...but I ran across this box
of Joel's things, and...
Can I get a candy bar?
- Sure. What kind? -(Midge
continues speaking over phone)
I can't decide between
the Zagnut and the Hershey bar.
Well, personally,
I like the Zagnut. It's filling.
Plus, I had a cousin
who lived on a farm,
used to feed Hershey bars
to the sheep
when they got constipated.
Now, she was a weird broad,
but still,
I could never separate
the two again.
- I'll get the Zagnut.
- Okay.
MIDGE: ...what do I do
with these shoes?
Do I throw them away?
Do I keep them for Ethan?
Oh, I'm just babbling.
Now, how about tomorrow?
Great. Tomorrow's great.
- Around 3:00?
- I'll see you then.
That's my client.
Ah. See my card?
I'm-a... need that back.
(yawns)
My God, I'm so tired.
I'll bring in the dishes, Mama!
Did I do it yet?
ROSE:
Forget about the dishes.
Zelda will be here
in the morning.
I can't move.
- I can't think.
- Don't move. Don't think.
Just drink.
- You made your cocoa.
- My Parisian cocoa.
Oh, you haven't made this
since I left for college.
- Well, you're home now.
I thought we'd celebrate. -Mmm!
(sighs):
Okay.
- MIDGE: Mama, this is delicious.
- ROSE: Mmm.
Excuse me, Ethan.
It is now after dinner.
After dinner is my time to read.
(dummy shouting on TV)
Therefore...
I need the room.
Miriam, does your son not
understand the word "therefore"?
I feel like that's
where I lost him.
Do you need something, Papa?
Yes. Please explain to your son
that I need the room.
- Why?
- Because it's after dinner,
and after dinner...
Rose, please explain to your
daughter that I need the room.
- You can still read.
- The television is on.
- He'll turn it down. -I need
silence. Complete silence.
Abe, perhaps just for tonight.
No, no "Abe,
perhaps just for tonight."
This is how I live my life,
you both know this.
- He's a little boy. -I know
that, which is why I win.
- You can go in your study,
can't you? -(chuckles)
I'm not falling for that again.
- Please, Papa?
- Nope. I'm turning it off.
No, no, no,
Papa, Papa, please don't!
Have you ever been around Ethan
when he can't watch Howdy Doody?
Because it's terrible.
Trust me.
I'm saving you
from something here.
I will not be held hostage
in my own home.
- It's only temporary.
- How do you know?
You don't know how long
you're gonna be here.
It could be days, weeks, years.
- It will not be years.
- And I will not spend years
adjusting to your needs.
See, you have to adjust to mine,
to ours, to your mother's needs,
and mine.
I don't mind
if he watches the show.
Will you just stick
with me, please?
I'm never taking you
into battle.
"I'll meet you later,
once our side has won."
I've got an idea...
why don't we just get
another television set?
- We could put it
in Miriam's room. -Yes.
- No. -A second television's
a wonderful idea.
Ethan could go into my room to
watch his shows, and I can watch
Jack Paar in there at night,
so you don't have to hear it.
I don't like Jack Paar.
There are jugglers on Jack Paar.
- See? -We are not paying
for another TV
just so that you can have
Jack Paar in your bedroom.
We only have this one
in case of a national emergency.
What about the TV
you had in your apartment?
It's in the basement.
I could ask Mrs. Zuckerman
- to bring it up tomorrow.
- No.
Yes! No. Thank you.
That was Joel's TV.
I don't want Joel's TV in here.
I don't want Joel's TV
in here, either.
I don't even want this TV
in here.
That's it, I'm turning it off.
That is that.
- (screaming)
- Oh, holy...
(screaming stops)
Okay.
Just for this evening.
I still control this house!
I'm just doing it from in there.
(horn honking in distance)
Dinner was very good, wasn't it?
Goulash seems to be a dish
that suits all ages.
I'll have Zelda add it
to the rotation
now that the children are here.
I want you to talk to Miriam.
About what?
Her son eats
with his mouth open.
- It needs to stop.
- He's three.
When I was three,
I could resole a shoe.
I'm not sure
that's a direct comparison.
Well... we're doomed.
You know this has been
a very hard time for Miriam.
So much upheaval so quickly.
And you know her...
she thought she had
the whole world figured out.
(groans)
I could've told her she didn't.
I want her to be happy here.
I want it to be a nice stay
for her and the children.
What's the harm
in getting a second TV?
- No.
- We can afford it.
And it would make everything
so much calmer.
I am not a two-TV set
sort of man.
Maybe other people have two TVs.
Maybe Jack Paar has two TVs.
But not me.
End of discussion.
Abe.
I heard myself say,
"End of discussion,"
and yet apparently it's not
the end of the discussion.
Miriam needs calm right now.
She needs a sense
of order and normalcy.
I want her to be as happy
as possible while she waits.
- Waits for what?
- For Joel to come back.
- (groans): Oh, Rose. -Because
he's going to come back,
it's just a matter of time,
and I want her
as distracted and carefree
as possible,
because it
will all be over soon.
Rose, I...
You what?
I...
(clock ticking)
I'm fine with buying
a second television set.
Oh, thank you, Abe.
And when Joel comes back,
we'll get rid of it,
and no one will ever know that
for a brief, shining moment,
you were a two-TV set
sort of man.
(clock ticking)
(clock ticking)
♪ ♪
(lively guitar intro playing)
♪ Well, I was standing
on the corner ♪
♪ With a bucket in my hand ♪
♪ I went looking for a woman ♪
♪ That ain't got no man ♪
♪ 'Cause my bucket's got
a hole in it ♪
♪ Yeah, my bucket's
got a hole in it ♪
♪ Yeah, my bucket's got
a hole in it ♪
♪ Won't hold no beer ♪
♪ Well, it ain't no use... ♪
What do you think?
They deserve a slot?
- I don't like three guitars.
- Goddamn it, Jackie.
You have got to widen your basis
for criticism.
Is it good music?
Are they entertaining?
That's how you judge
shit like this.
Hey, I told you when
I started working here,
I didn't like music.
Look, I'm gonna be
branching out in my life.
I need somebody to pick up
the slack around here.
- You have got to develop
some taste. -Shit.
Now look up there
and tell me what you think.
♪ My bucket's got a hole in it ♪
I like dog acts.
Oh, fuck off, Jackie.
All right, all right.
Stop. 10:45.
And lose a guitar.
Happy?
I find your leadership
confusing.
Next.
Number 34.
34, get up here.
Oh, we're 34.
Next.
Go get a dog.
Oh, you're such an asshole.
Next.
- 35. 35.
- WOMAN: Yes, that's me.
Next.
♪ ♪
What spot's she getting?
Are you kidding?
She can't work here.
But damn, I love the flute.
Okay, back to business.
- You're here.
- I'm here and ready to work.
Great. Now, I have been thinking
I'd like to start
getting you out there.
Small clubs,
maybe some amateur nights.
But just get your sea legs.
I mean,
we don't even really know
who you are yet.
- What does that mean?
- Well, I mean,
what kind of comic are you?
- Are you a planter
or a stalker? -Stalker.
Will you tell one-liners,
stream of consciousness?
- Stream of consciousness.
- Personal? Political?
Personal tinged by political.
Okay. Well, I guess we do know
who you are.
But we have to figure out
what you'll say.
Yes. Good. Here.
I brought this.
- No. I don't want to read your
diary. -It's not my diary.
I don't care what
your first time felt like.
It's not my diary.
It's a notebook
- I write thoughts down in.
- That's a fucking diary.
- No, it's not.
- I don't want to read
the word "ponies" over
and over and over.
I write down thoughts for jokes.
"Oh, I do wish Mitzi Gaynor
was my very best friend."
Just read, please.
- JACKIE: Number 36.
- MAN: Yeah, that's me.
Okay. Well,
there are thoughts here.
- Thank you. -I do, however,
see Mitzi Gaynor is mentioned.
Well, come on, she's adorable.
Fine, but there's more to think
about besides material.
Really? Like what?
Holding for laughs.
- What are you doing?
- Taking notes.
- Holding for laughs.
- Uh, working the room.
- Working the room.
- Dealing with hecklers.
How to enter, how to exit.
How to use a mic;
mics can be very tricky.
Y-You ever here of Joe E. Lewis?
- Of course.
- They say mobsters cut his face
'cause he didn't want to
do a club date? Nope.
Tripped on a mic cord.
- What?
- 30% of all comics die
- from cord-related injuries.
- That's not true.
- Well, it's up there. -Hey, what
do you think about my name?
Well, I wouldn't send my parents
a thank-you card,
but I've heard worse.
- I think I need a new one.
- Why?
I don't want to use
my real name.
- Why not? -Because I don't
want people to know
I'm talking about me.
I want them to think
I'm talking about Tula Raine.
- Huh?
- That's a stripper name.
- What about Lotte McAllister?
- That's an Irish stripper name.
- Use your real one.
- No.
Miriam Maisel's a person.
- Anya Morgenstern...
- Is my cleaning lady. No.
- I'll keep thinking. - Oh, wait.
I got something to show you.
Huh?
(hums)
"Susie Myerson...
Personal Management." Cute.
I'm hand-making these things.
As of now, I have eight,
including the one you are
holding, so I'd like it back.
Oh, hey, Art Joley's doing a set
at Cafe Wha? tonight.
- You should check him out.
- MIDGE: Who?
What do you mean who?
Art Joley?
Guy just got a write-up
in the Times last week.
- Gonna make him a star.
- I've never heard of him.
What?
Well, I've had
some stuff going on.
Jackie, I'm going out.
Oh, come on.
Let's go.
Never heard of Art Joley...
- Where are we going?
- Just clip-clop.
Wait, wait, wait.
SUSIE:
Get all your little things...
- your gloves and
your little book... -Heels.
...and your knick-knacks...
let's go.
♪ ♪
(door bells jingle)
Oh, I love this store.
It's got texture.
My father's study
kind of smells like this.
Hmm, like an armpit
smoked a cigarette?
Oh, this is
the cutest thing ever.
"Bing Crosby
Sings Mother Goose."
I had such a thing for
Bing Crosby when I was little.
Really?
He's so oily looking.
No, he's not.
Like if you got on top of him,
you'd slide right off.
Never watching
White Christmas again.
"Tubby the Tuba."
"Woody Woodpecker."
Ethan would love this place.
Come on, we didn't come
to see this.
There's more?
♪ Moon lights up the night ♪
(cat meows)
♪ I light up
when you call my name ♪
♪ And you know
I'm gonna treat you right ♪
♪ You give me fever... ♪
What is all this?
Don't touch.
Did you tell her not to touch?
Uh, he doesn't want you
to touch.
- I'm picking up on that.
- It's a private collection.
Did you tell her it's
a private collection,
and that all sales are subject
to the owner's approval?
Tell her yourself.
These guys have never spoken
to a viable mate before.
Virgil, Oz, meet Midge.
Nice to meet you, fellas.
Mm, pretty sure that's
the sound of two guys
spontaneously ejaculating.
What is this place?
Uh, part store, part museum,
part archive.
Sound about right, guys?
Yeah, we lost 'em.
These guys are insane
collectors of sound.
Whatever's not
in a mainstream store,
they seek out and find.
My God, political speeches,
concerts.
"Mark Twain presenting at
Royal Albert Hall, 1904."
Did they even have
recording devices then?
This was an early application...
a, uh, articulated
stylus incising...
Bup-bup-bup. Nerd alert.
Come here.
This is the section
I wanted to show you.
Comedy recordings
dating back 50-plus years.
Your Mort Sahls, your
Ernie Kovacs, they're great,
but there is so much more
out there.
- What are these?
- Oh, party records.
They're a whole sub-genre.
It's not really your style,
but you should know
who they are.
- She should be wearing gloves.
- I know.
- Redd Foxx. Never heard of him.
- Oh, you will.
MIDGE:
I'm gonna get this.
- Go, go, go.
- Okay, I'm going.
How much?
- That's not for sale.
- SUSIE: Virgil...
It's my only copy.
- Virgil...
- Buck-fifty.
♪ Tried to kill him... ♪
You know, I'm just realizing
how much I don't know
about everything.
I feel like I've been
living in a bubble,
but I'm gonna catch up,
you'll see.
In college, no one could study
better than I could.
Research? No one was better
at research than me.
I had fabulous binders.
So, where do we start?
Well, are you free
Tuesday night?
I mean,
we could go see some comics.
Tuesday night, comics.
It's a date.
Thanks, boys.
I'll be back.
Go rinse off.
I think this one is perfect.
It will just fit
on your dresser.
Are you sure Papa's okay
with a second TV?
- Yes.
- He seemed adamant.
- Please, it's like the skates.
- What skates?
- When you were ten, you wanted
skates. -(doorbell buzzes)
Your father said no.
You threw such a fit,
he sent you to your room.
Two days later,
I got you skates.
I got you this.
It's what I do.
- I get you things.
- (elevator bell dings)
Rose.
Hello. It's been forever.
Well, hello, Loretta.
How are you, Jerry?
I'm good.
Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
Lobby, please.
Miriam, you remember Loretta?
Her mother lives
in the penthouse.
Miriam, how trim you look.
The last time I saw you,
you were enormous.
- Well, I was pregnant.
- If I had a nickel.
You look wonderful
yourself, Loretta.
I had half my intestine out.
So, Rose, catch me up.
You played hooky
from canasta last week.
Oh, well, we've been very busy.
Joel... you remember Joel...
he got a big promotion,
which is wonderful,
except it keeps him
traveling constantly.
But it's just
so much more money.
He couldn't say no.
So Miriam decided
to remodel their apartment,
and that's been
going on for months.
Their place is a shambles.
Miriam and the children have
been living with us
until Joel gets back
to throttle that contractor.
I can't wait to see
the final product.
We'll have a party... you'll be
the first one in the door.
(elevator bell dings)
Congratulations
on Joel's promotion.
- You must be bursting.
- I am.
Shall we?
(laughter)
REDD FOXX (on record): A guy
went to a private detective,
he said, "Listen,
I want you to find me"
a pretty girl with $500."
The guy say, "I found you
a pretty girl yesterday."
He said, "Well,
you better find her again",
'cause she got my $500."
(laughs)
Two babies were talking once
in the hospital,
and one asked the other, said,
"How you like to be fed,
by the bottle
or by the other way?"
(laughter on record)
- (knocking on door)
- The baby say,
"I'd rather be fed
by the bottle,
because the other way I get
too many ashes in my eyes."
- (record scratches)
- My God.
I was banging on your door
like the grim reaper.
Didn't you hear me?
No, Mama.
What are you listening to?
Nothing, Mama.
Well, dinner is ready.
It's getting cold.
Lamb curry.
I'll be out in a minute, Mama.
(door closes)
Oh...
ROSE:
We can take the lamb curry
off the children-approved meals.
Zelda gave Ethan
a peanut butter sandwich
and sent him to bed.
He's a picky one,
that son of mine.
I talked to Mr. Zuckerman.
He's agreed to store
all of your furniture
for the next two months.
- So it worked.
- Of course it worked.
- What worked?
- Nothing, Abe.
It worked, nothing worked...
ROSE:
Two months is
a good amount of time.
Things should definitely
sort themselves out
in two months.
You know, I read in the paper
that Senator Kennedy is gonna
run for president.
ABE:
That pretty boy?
Just because he's attractive
doesn't mean he's unqualified.
Of course it does.
To be truly effective,
you must be ugly.
- That's ridiculous.
- (phone rings)
I'll get it.
Look at all the great
thinkers of our time.
- The great men.
- The great women.
- Especially the women.
- ROSE: Hello?
- They are all, to a tee...
- ROSE: Hello?
...extremely unpleasant
to look at.
I think Senator Kennedy's
brilliant.
Of course you do.
And when did you start
- to read the paper?
- ROSE: They hung up.
- I read the paper.
- Yeah, only the shoe ads.
You don't like Kennedy
- because he's wealthy.
- Shady money.
So you hate him
because of his father.
His father is a terrible man.
An anti-Semite,
an isolationist.
- (phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Why are you doing this?
- ABE: Hello?
- Doing what?
You're baiting your father.
- I'm not.
- ABE: Hello?
He shares his opinion,
I share mine.
Well, don't do that.
Just let him win.
- They hung up. (clears throat)
- ROSE: Oh.
So, if you don't like Kennedy,
who do you want
for president, Nixon?
Oh, my God.
When Richard Milhous Nixon
becomes president,
we move to France.
I would love to move to France.
We're not moving to France.
- (phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Hello, Joel.
JOEL: Wasn't sure you'd
remember our system.
I remember it.
It's been a while
since we were dating.
I came up with the system.
- So, you called?
- Yeah, yeah.
I just, uh,
thought you should know
that I got a place,
an apartment.
Figured it was time to
get out of Archie and Imogene's.
I'm sure it was.
JOEL: So, uh, now that
I have my own place,
I... I'd like to see Ethan
a little more,
if that's all right.
Oh, uh, well,
tell me about
this new place of yours.
JOEL:
Nothing much to tell. (chuckles)
Is it appropriate for Ethan?
It's not one of those
downtown, fifth floor walk-ups
with no hot water and
a bathtub in the kitchen, is it?
No, no. Bathtub's down the hall.
(chuckles)
- Ha ha.
- No, it-it's not a palace,
but, uh, it's clean,
it's got an elevator,
and, uh, there's a bed for him
if he wants to nap
or stay over.
- Well, that sounds fine.
- So, maybe tomorrow?
You could drop him
by the office.
He always likes emptying
the staplers.
Drives everyone crazy
the next day, but...
I have no interest in
stopping by your office.
Oh. Yeah, sorry.
Um, well, I-I could come
pick him up, then.
I'll just swing by
your place around 5:00?
5:00 is fine.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
So... how are you?
Okay, see you tomorrow at 5:00.
♪ ♪
(playing "On the Sunny Side
of the Street")
♪ ♪
ETHAN:
Piano.
That's fun, isn't it?
Hey, maybe I can get you
some lessons, now that... wow.
Immediate loss of interest.
The boy becomes a man.
Hey, Ethan, don't run away
from me like that, okay?
It's fine.
He's more than welcome.
- Oh, thank... oh!
- I'm so sorry.
- That's... oh, oh, I think
you broke a heel. -Oh, did I?
I'm just so late.
I'll fix it later.
I hope she hasn't spoken yet.
(crowd cheering nearby)
JANE JACOBS:
And, as of today,
the Board of Estimates
has passed a resolution
to authorize the temporary
closing of the park
to all traffic.
(cheers and applause)
Hey, what's going on?
Shh, Jane's speaking.
- Jane who?
- Jane Jacobs.
Yes.
Uh, who is Jane Jacobs?
- You've never heard
of Jane Jacobs? -No.
- Where have you been?
- The Upper West Side.
(chuckles)
Here.
This battle is our battle,
the people of Greenwich Village.
The ones who understand
that cities are made up
of more than buildings
and roads.
People make up a city.
(cheers and applause)
I don't understand.
It says that they want
to build a road. Where?
Here. Right through
the middle of the park.
This park?
This beautiful park?
Oh, I don't believe that.
You must have read this wrong.
All of you who came out today
and marched and made signs,
you have made your voices heard.
So, today, it should be
your voice speaking.
(cheers and applause)
You read this right. Wow.
JACOBS:
It's your park, it's your city.
You should tell your stories.
Anyone who wishes to speak,
come up and speak.
Just do it loud enough
that Robert Moses can hear you
over his bulldozers.
- Yes!
- (crowd cheering)
Who is Robert Moses?
The road is his idea.
What a son of a bitch.
You there... you seem
to have a lot to say.
Who, me?
Oh, no, I-I just got this,
and it-it's just terrible.
Somebody should do something.
- We are.
- (crowd laughs)
Yes, you are. I see.
Uh, this is
a very impressive gathering.
Why don't you come up
and share your story?
Me? Oh, uh, well...
Come on up.
Share your story.
(crowd cheering)
Hello.
My name is Miriam Maisel.
Oh, uh, "Midge" is fine,
actually.
So... I don't live
anywhere near here.
And I have absolutely no idea
what's going on, at all.
I mean, five minutes ago,
I was buying records for my son,
and he wanted to walk
through the park and then
I stumbled upon this rally
and I was like,
"So many women in one place...
two-for-one pantyhose?"
And then I heard about you...
and you...
and-and this so-called
Robert Moses?
Well, I mean,
he's not "so-called,"
but he sounds terrible.
And I'm...
I-I'm kicking myself
for being so out of the loop.
I'm trying to read more papers
lately. It's interesting...
my father pointed out that my
favorite part about a newspaper
is the ads for shoes.
And I felt bad about that,
but now I think
maybe they just put those ads
in newspapers to distract us.
- ALL: Yeah!
- Because if women don't realize
what's going on in the world,
they won't step in and fix it.
Oh, that's good.
Write that down.
Because they will fix it.
(crowd cheering)
- And accessorize it!
- (cheering grows louder)
MRS. MOSKOWITZ (over phone):
Joel Maisel's office.
Hello?
Yes, this is
Joel Maisel's office.
Who is this?
This is Mrs. Moskowitz.
Who is this?
I'm Mrs. Maisel.
(chuckling):
Oh. Any relation?
Uh, yes. Listen, I-I'm supposed
to meet Mr. Maisel tonight.
He's taking his son
for the evening,
but I got hung up,
and I'm not gonna be able
to make it uptown in time
to meet him.
- "Mrs. Maisel"?
- And since I'm already downtown,
I thought maybe I could just
drop Ethan by Joel's new place,
but I don't have
his new address.
Oh, well, I can give you that.
Let's see here.
Uh, there it is.
715 West 116th Street.
- E-Excuse me?
- Is that wrong?
Yes, it-it must be wrong.
I meant his new address,
for his new apartment.
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
That's his new address.
Oh.
I-I just assumed...
he-he didn't move downtown?
Is 116th Street downtown?
- No.
- Oh.
Well, I live in Queens so...
All right. Thank... well,
thank you for your help.
Mrs. Maisel!
You're his wife...
Can I help you?
Uh, Joel Maisel?
DOORMAN:
3C.
(elevator bell dings)
- Evening.
- 3C.
(elevator bell dings)
Third floor.
- (door locks)
- PENNY: Joel! Joel!
- JOEL: What?
- PENNY: Midge is here.
(footsteps approaching)
- What are you doing here?
- I'm dropping off your son.
I went by the house to get him.
You weren't there.
I know. I got held up.
So, let's see the new digs.
Huh.
Interesting.
- Hi-ya.
- I was worried.
You should've called.
Hey, pal.
Hey, Daddy. We got records.
JOEL: Well, that's great,
that's great.
I did call.
I talked to your secretary.
Better watch that one.
You know secretaries.
Okay, so, I'm glad you're okay.
- Thank you for dropping him off.
- You are welcome.
Hey, ducks.
So, your apartment.
It's nice, it's really nice.
- Thank you. -In fact, it looks
an awful lot like our place.
- What?
- The building, the hallway,
the old man in the elevator.
- Midge. -And isn't that
the couch I wanted to buy,
but you said was too deep?
- I don't remember what couch
you... -You know, it's funny,
I thought I'd find you squatting
in some downtown,
smoke-filled atelier,
not two blocks away, living the
Methodist version of our life.
With the Methodist
version of me.
Does she have an "on" switch?
Ethan's good now,
you can go if you want.
No, he was throwing up earlier.
I figure I should stay around
a minute, make sure
he's not gonna blow again.
- What?
- You know what's funny?
I don't have
my apartment anymore.
You have my apartment.
You have a lot
of my things, actually.
- You're welcome.
- (timer dings)
- Dinner?
- Yes.
- What?
- Pot roast.
The Methodist version
of brisket.
Can we discuss this
some other time? Please?
Uh, where's he going?
Where's he going?
JOEL:
Boy.
Do you know
how to make an entrance.
So is this
what you were missing, Joel?
Pot roast and Santa Claus?
I don't want
to talk about this here.
Should we get lunch somewhere?
Is there a mayonnaise
and Wonder Bread cafe
opening up somewhere
we could try?
I was gonna come pick him up.
I was gonna come to you so that
you wouldn't have to come here.
You are a prince, a real prince.
I hope Penny knows
what a prince you are.
I don't understand you, Midge.
You don't understand me?
Me? Me?
I said I'd come back.
- Remember?
- Oh, boy.
I came to you
and I said let's try again.
- You said no.
- Oh, no, uh-uh.
You don't get to rewrite this.
You're the one who left. Not me.
I'm the good guy,
you're the bad guy.
Stamp it, ship it,
that's all she wrote, folks.
- Fine. -When are you coming
to get your things?
- I don't know.
- You have things at my house
- and I want them gone.
- You said you'd pack them up.
I'm not packing up your things.
Penny can pack up your things.
Or you can buy new things,
for your new life.
- I'll come get them.
- Not when I'm home.
Fine, I'll come get
my things when you're not home.
- Because we're four.
- You're four.
And I want my notebook.
- What notebook?
- My comedy notebook.
You mean my comedy notebook.
It was about me.
Everything's about you.
I want it.
Why? You quit, remember?
I might try again.
You don't know.
It's mine, I want it.
Well, I-I don't know
where it is, but even if I did,
as long as you have
Bob Newhart's album,
you'll be fine.
(scoffs)
Low blow, Midge.
You said you didn't want
our life.
But this is our life.
Y-You didn't go somewhere
exotic or different,
you went across
the fucking street.
- I had to.
- You had to?
- Why? Tell me why.
- It doesn't even...
Goddamn it, Joel, I'll do it.
Because...
after that night, at the club,
after I failed like that,
I just knew you'd never
look at me the same again.
You tell me I'm not right.
Well, you're right.
Just not about the club part.
Sorry I got you
mixed up in this.
Tell Ethan I'll pick him up
tomorrow.
Don't baptize him
while I'm gone.
(door slams)
♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪
♪ A man of many faults ♪
♪ A clumsy Joe
who wouldn't know ♪
♪ A rhumba from a waltz ♪
♪ The gentleman is a dope ♪
♪ And not my cup of tea ♪
♪ Why do I get in a dither? ♪
♪ He doesn't belong to me ♪
♪ He'll never belong to me. ♪
Well, that's a smell.
First stop of the night,
ladies and gentlemen.
Now, this shithole is
kind of an off-the-grid place.
Established comics
do not come here
unless they're
trying out material
they want no one to see.
Bookers do not come here.
You will never see Jack Paar
represented here
in any way, shape or form.
My father will be very relieved.
What are you doing?
Taking notes. Research.
You gonna write everything down?
Everything I think
is pertinent or interesting,
or could be pertinent
or interesting.
So the answer's yes.
"No Jack Paar in this shithole."
What's this place called?
- "This shithole."
- You're kidding.
Well, not officially,
but by anyone who's been here.
- Hmm. -Now the good thing
about this place,
it's a great spot
to catch unusual acts
you might never see
anywhere else.
Hey, who's this guy?
He's from Montana.
Huh. And what's his blood type?
I don't know.
Well, you told me one useless
piece of shit detail,
I thought you could
throw in another.
(groans)
What?
What are you doing?
I had a funny thought.
Well, by all means,
keep it a secret.
All the best comics do.
I should get another notebook.
What on earth is he doing?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have terrible news.
My best friend,
my partner for many years...
he was like a brother to me...
Randy here...
...has committed suicide.
Look.
Lifeless.
- (laughs) -I just found him
backstage, and...
he didn't even leave a note.
But...
the show must go on.
And so I will now do
our two-man show act
without him.
Hey there, Randy,
how you doing tonight?
And then Randy would say,
"You mean
who am I doing tonight?"
That would always get
a pretty big laugh.
(both laugh)
He had such great delivery.
And then I'd say, "Randy",
watch what you're saying,
there's ladies in the audience."
And he'd say...
And he'd say...
(crying): He'd say
"How big are their tits?"
(both laugh)
Why is this so funny?
I have no fucking idea.
Hey, you don't think
this is funny?
(laughing)
People are funny in Montana.
Oh, my God.
So how come when
you're having trouble sleeping,
they tell you to count sheep?
I mean, sheep are
quite adorable, aren't they?
Yeah, I see a little sheep
jumping over a fence,
I become invested in that cute
little sheep's life story.
- (laughter)
- Where's he running to?
What's he running from?
And now, instead
of getting sleep,
I am wide awake with anxiety
worrying if my new little
friend's gonna be okay.
SUSIE:
Upstairs at the Downstairs.
Now this is a good
mainstream club.
Everybody comes here.
Bookers, managers, agents,
writers come here all the time.
COMIC: I'll tell you,
I like having things to do,
but I hate having to do things.
Same words, different order,
makes all the difference.
Having things to do,
that's an option.
Having to do things,
that's a demand.
- (laughter) -Having things
to do, quite pleasant.
Go for a walk, catch a ball
game, meet a friend for coffee.
Having to do things,
never pleasant.
Take out the trash,
change a lightbulb,
- go visit your mother.
- (laughter)
See, this guy here,
he's not really my thing,
- but he's very solid.
- These are the things
that we need to learn in school.
Instead, they teach us
a whole bunch of things
that we will never, ever use,
like knowing
about the War of 1812.
- (laughter) -Come to think
of it, that's all I remember.
Oh, I don't remember
what that war was about.
I think it was
because it was 1812.
- (laughter)
- They had no radio, no TV.
There was nothing to do
except go to war.
"So, um, why are we at war?"
"Uh, because it's 1812."
- (laughter) -You see
how he waits after the laugh.
Now, sometimes...
and you got to feel it...
I-if you let a joke sit
long enough...
(laughter)
Two laughs for the price of one.
COMIC:
All right.
Hey, that's Marty Kahn.
Is that good?
Marty Kahn
is a very important Booker.
He handles a lot
of the Eastern seaboard clubs.
I want to meet him.
- I want you to meet him.
- Okay.
(exhales)
Lots of confidence.
And remember.
MIDGE:
I know, tits up.
Marty Kahn,
how the hell are you?
Susie Myerson.
- Uh, my card.
- Okay.
Personal management, huh?
What do you manage?
- I manage her.
- Singer?
- Comedienne.
- Really. She funny?
She's hilarious.
She's got a great, tight ten,
working on some new material.
Time to expand, you know?
Well, she's a looker.
I'd love to see her work.
Well, I will let you know once
we have a firm date nailed down.
Hey, can I get a couple more
cards for my partners?
Uh, sure, Marty.
- H-How many partners you got?
- Three.
Uh, can two of 'em share?
Okay. Here you go.
Three more cards.
Okay. Talk soon.
Yes. Talk soon.
(sighs) We better get something
off that four-card fucker.
Question, should I have talked?
- You did, didn't you?
- No.
Oh. Yes, next time, talk.
And you'll tell him my name.
I didn't? Aw, fuck me.
(gasps)
Ooh, that's Benny Mann.
That guy's got a stranglehold
on Florida.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
You stay here.
Apparently,
I can't work with props yet.
COMIC: ...of the world's
largest empire,
and today he's a salad.
I like that stool lean.
Well, that is all for me,
ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Howard Fawn.
Thank you and good night!
(cheering and applause)
What are you doing?
Are you stealing my act?
- What? Oh, no.
- I am so sick of this.
- Who sent you?
- No one.
Someone out of L.A.?
Hired some local girl
who knows shorthand?
Hey, I'm not a shorthand girl.
It wasn't Buddy Hackett, was it?
Oh, I didn't think he'd dare,
not after I flattened him
the last time.
- No, Buddy Hackett did not...
- Dana? Greene?
- If it was Greene, I swear...
- Why do you assume
- someone sent me?
- What?
Why couldn't I be stealing
your act for myself?
Are you kidding me?
You can't do my act.
What, you think it's so hard?
I mean, frankly,
other than that stool lean,
it's a fairly pedestrian set.
"Fairly pedestrian."
Hackett did send you, didn't he?
- That motherfucker.
- What is happening here?
I am perfectly capable
of stealing your act for myself.
Whoa!
Nobody's stealing acts here.
And after I stole it,
I could do it better.
- And in heels! -Yeah, yeah?
- Okay, we're leaving.
You-you tell Hackett, he shows
his face around here again,
- I'll break his other leg!
- All right!
SUSIE:
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Uno, dos, uno, dos, tres!
(band playing)
(grunts)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- (bandleader grunts)
- MAN: Come on, come on, come on.
- SUSIE: I appreciate this,
Lanie. -Appreciate nothing.
- We have a deal.
- Well, appreciation's
- a valuable commodity
these days. -Uh-uh.
You promised me a prime spot
at the Gaslight for two weeks
- if I got you in here.
- Yeah...
Yeah, what? You promised.
I know. I just...
You're so terrible.
- That doesn't matter. -You
really... You have no talent
- at all. -I didn't ask
for your opinion on my singing.
Oh, you're a singer?
See, I just thought
you had your sack caught
in your zipper.
Hey! I did you a favor here!
Susie, how about we save
the constructive criticism
- for another time?
- All right.
Prime spot for two weeks.
But practice.
Do some scales, please.
I am begging you.
Okay. Come on.
Wait here. I have to make sure
my manager's not looking.
Hey. Lanie!
(groans)
Little pussy.
He'd better come through.
Well, welcome to the Copa.
Oh, I've been to the Copa.
You have?
We came last year
for our anniversary.
Hmm. Oh.
However, I've never been
to the kitchen at the Copa.
- A night of firsts.
- Mm-hmm.
So, Red Skelton's
headlining tonight.
You know Red Skelton?
- Of course.
- You ever seen him live?
No. Saw him on
Steve Allen once, though.
Better live. He's great live.
I mean, this guy's timing?
Rock solid.
He's never off, ever.
Mm.
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
- Red Skelton.
- Where the fuck is Lanie?
- We're missing him.
- Mm.
Wait, we can see him from here.
SUSIE:
Where?
Yeah. Life's recurring joke.
- What? Oh, sorry. -RED: Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's nice to be
at the Copa tonight.
- Here. -Oh, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's really quite
a thrill to be here.
- Stand up on there.
- Yeah, I get the concept.
RED:
As I was walking here tonight,
there were a lot of people
outside. Someone yelled,
"Red Skelton's in the crowd,
Red Skelton's in the crowd!"
Everybody turned around
and looked at me, and gee,
I was so embarrassed,
I was sorry I yelled.
(laughter)
- Y-You see how he...
- Yep, got it.
- A-And you see the way...
- And then he turns around.
RED:
Next week, I'm going down
to the Fontainebleau Hotel...
that's down
in Miami Beach, Florida...
and have you ever
seen that place?
Oh, this is the biggest hotel
in the world, believe me.
I've played towns smaller.
From your bedroom
to the bathroom,
they've got Burma-Shave signs.
(laughter)
Goddamn, I love that guy.
Fucking Lanie. I mean,
a prime spot for two weeks
to get me in the room,
not to dump me in the kitchen.
It's okay. I don't mind.
Yeah, well, of course you don't.
You've been to the Copa,
I haven't.
- I'll be right back.
- Be nice.
SUSIE:
Yep.
RED: I was in a club
and everyone was so drunk,
I could hardly see them.
(chuckles)
(laughter)
Oh, I had a swell time.
I'll be glad when that swelling
goes down, though, uh...
Oh, no, believe me,
I was as sober as the next guy.
I was as sober as the next guy.
Unfortunately, the next guy
was Dean Martin.
(laughter)
(applause)
(cheering)
(applause, cheering)
(speaking indistinctly)
(laughs)
Oh, stop...
all right, keep going.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Oh.
- We got to go.
MIDGE:
What... you weren't nice?
Not nice, not nice at all.
- Fast walk, fast walk.
- Mm-hmm.
So, your brother's smart, huh?
My brother's brilliant,
just like my father.
I'm so proud of him.
He's working
for the military now,
developing a sonar machine
that can talk to whales
to tell them to get
out of the way of boats.
Is that really what your brother
told you he does?
I-Invents a whale-saving
machine?
Yes. Why?
That's cute. You're cute.
Is he close with your parents?
My father is closest
to my brother,
and my mother's closest to me.
You okay with that situation?
You're asking me an awful lot
of questions tonight.
Well, I find you fascinating.
You're like a super coiffed
science experiment.
- I thought maybe you were trying
to be friends. -What? No.
I'm just trying to inspire
some thoughts for that notebook.
Oh. Okay.
Seems like you want
to be friends.
I do not want to be friends.
I'd like to be friends.
You really think the military
gives a shit about whales?
We went out tonight
like friends.
We went out tonight
so you could learn a few things.
This was school.
You know my husband left me.
You know my father
likes my brother best.
You know my father teaches
at Columbia,
my mother went
to school in Paris.
You know I made
the cheerleading squad
but quit because my mother
feared the bouncing
would shorten the shelf life
of my breasts.
Yeah, your mother's nuts.
You got to use her.
I don't know anything about you.
- 'Cause you don't have to.
- But maybe I want to.
Look, both of our futures depend
on you making jokes
about your weird life.
I ask you questions
to help you figure out
what painful and humiliating
moments we can exploit
to make a lot of money off of,
not because I care,
because I don't.
You want your fries?
Yes.
Fine.
Though you haven't
had a freaking fry
in, like, the last
three minutes.
♪ If the skies are gray ♪
♪ Long as I can be with you,
it's a lovely day... ♪
Only if you tell me something
about your family.
What am I, a trained seal?
I'd like to be friends.
Yeah, and I'd like to eat
at Peter Luger's every night,
but life's a bitch.
(grunts)
♪ Just as you were going,
leaving me... ♪
My brother's an asshole.
My other brother's an asshole.
My sister's okay,
but she's married to an asshole.
My mother washes sheets
14 hours a day.
Once a year, she gets drunk
and tells us about the time
she came in third
in the Miss Rockaway pageant,
and then sings "Danny Boy,"
which is what she did
for the talent portion.
And you realize just how
great-looking she must've been
if they actually gave her
anything after that racket.
And then she passes out,
pisses herself,
and doesn't speak to anyone
for the next three weeks.
And your dad?
Oh, he's fine.
Yeah, he's a trader
at E.F. Hutton.
- He just bought a boat.
- Really?
No. Haven't seen the man
for 15 years.
He's a total
and complete asshole.
♪ Long as I can be with you ♪
♪ It's a lovely day ♪
♪ Long as I can be with you... ♪
Thank you for tonight.
♪ It's a lovely day... ♪
You're welcome.
It's been really illuminating.
I just, I want to be really,
really good at this.
I want to be the best.
So, I was wondering if you
maybe want
to do it again tomorrow?
Not as friends,
just as study partners.
Hit a couple clubs.
- Midge. -I'll pay for us
to get into the Copa.
Inside, with a table
and everything.
I can't do this again
tomorrow night; I have a job.
Yeah, Mom and Dad
don't pay my bills.
Right. You're right.
I-I'm sorry.
Look, I'm glad this helped,
and I love the enthusiasm,
but at the end of the day,
you got to know
that there's really only one way
to truly master stand-up.
You just have to do it.
Yeah.
♪ Long as I can be with you ♪
♪ It's a lovely day. ♪
I'd start with
that whale-saving story.
That thing's a hoot.
ABE:
Miriam, come in here, please.
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
Where have you been?
You scared the daylights
out of me.
- Answer me, Miriam.
- I was out.
- "Out" where?
- With a friend.
- What friend? -I'm sorry,
did something happen?
- Do you know what time it is?
- It's late.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
Don't you wear a watch?
Not with this outfit.
We were worried, Miriam,
worried sick,
if you must know.
Your mother vomited.
I did not vomit.
Well, she did something
in the bathroom
that took a very long time.
And she did not come out
looking happy.
- I'm sorry I was late, but...
- But what?
You do know I'm not 16 anymore,
don't you?
We thought we did,
but then you act like this,
- sneaking out...
- I did not sneak out.
- ...sneaking in.
- I did not sneak in.
You left your baby here alone.
With her grandparents.
And where is your son, anyway?
- Shooting craps.
- What?
He's with Joel. Shooting craps.
- Oh. -I-I'm kidding. Can we just
lighten the mood a little?
No, we cannot. You know
the rules of this house.
Rule number one: you do not
leave your towels on the floor...
we'll get back to that,
by the way...
rule number two: home by 11:00.
- Are you kidding me?
- 10:00 if you keep arguing.
You can't give me a curfew.
I'm a 26-year-old woman,
I have two children.
As long as you're living under
this roof, my rules apply.
Mama, this is a tad
overdramatic, don't you think?
You could've been dead
and dismembered in an alley.
- Oh, my God.
- The Dionne quintuplets
would be very disappointed
in you right now.
I'm going to bed.
That's it! I've changed my mind.
No Jack Paar for you.
- What? -Because of your
behavior tonight,
I am not buying you a TV. See?
There are consequences.
Lesson learned.
Good. Now go to your room.
And if I see those towels
on the floor again,
you'll be air-drying
for a month!
(quietly):
Miriam?
Don't worry. We'll get the TV in
a couple of weeks, you'll see.
Do you want me
to make us some cocoa?
No, thank you.
Well, if you change your mind.
Joel moved in with Penny,
by the way.
JACK PAAR:
I would like you now to meet
a very, very funny guy.
Welcome, please, Don Adams.
(applause, music playing)
Thank you, good evening.
As you probably know,
some of the most successful
television shows
of the past couple of years
have been about lawyers.
And, uh, in keeping
with this trend,
you know,
like The Defenders and, uh...
I've got to get a job.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ I put on a fake smile ♪
♪ And start the evening show ♪
♪ The public is laughing ♪
♪ I guess by now they know ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ So climb
from your high horse ♪
♪ And pull this
freak show down ♪
♪ Dear Madam Barnum ♪
♪ I resign as clown ♪
♪ You said I was the master ♪
♪ Of all I surveyed ♪
♪ But now I'm sweeping up ♪
♪ The last in line
in your circus parade ♪
♪ Children are clapping ♪
♪ As I fall to the floor ♪
♪ My heart torn and broken ♪
♪ And they just scream
for more ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ If I'm not the sole fool ♪
♪ Who pulls his trousers down ♪
♪ Then, dear Madam Barnum ♪
♪ I resign as clown ♪
♪ You tread the high wire ♪
♪ Between truth and lies ♪
♪ Your safety net
just walked out ♪
♪ Much to your surprise ♪
♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey. ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII