The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Because You Left - full transcript

♪ See the pyramids
along the Nile ♪

♪ Watch the sunrise
on a tropic isle ♪

♪ Just remember, darling ♪

♪ All the while... ♪

Hello, there.

Remember me?

Vaguely.

Hey. Joel Maisel.

Palmer Witherspoon.

Really?

Are you here with a date, Joel?



Not yet.

You want another drink?

I'll get it.

Same thing?

Amaretto sour.

Yikes. We'll work on that.

Amaretto sour, please, Palmer.

I'm good, Palmer, thanks.

I thought we got Goebbels
in '45.

Stop it.

He's so white and shiny.

Palmer's a good guy.

Yeah. Bar's ten feet away.

Surprised he didn't get lost.



(laughs)

Hey, I made you laugh.

♪ So alone... ♪

I like when you laugh.

Joel.

You know, it's funny,
but lately,

every time I turn around,
you're there.

Yeah.

Get used to it.

Huh.

- (laughs)
- You like this song?

I do like this song.

Good. 'Cause it's ours now.

We should not be doing this.

That's half the fun.

Palmer's coming back.

Yeah, I saw him asking
for directions.

(Midge chuckles)

♪ Wet with rain,
but remember... ♪

You're destined
for better things than this.

♪ You're home again ♪

♪ You belong ♪

♪ To me. ♪

- (door closes) -VICKI: No, this
is the guy I met two weeks ago

at the Bon Soir, the one
who's going bald on top?

TRISH:
With the greasy mustache...

VICKI:
Yeah, that guy.

This blows my mind.

I know, you know?
Then he says... get this...

he says "So, the cash, now"
just like that.

You know me,
I don't put up with shit,

so I grab his knife and...
Do I owe you money?

Sorry.

Anyhow, I grab his knife and...

I thought he'd move.

Hey, everyone dies.

Worst part was the blood.

It was everywhere.

On the walls, on the floor.

I mean, look at this.

He was like a fire hydrant.

And I love this top.

- Salt it.
- What?

The stain.

Salt it, then pour boiling water
on it till the water runs clear.

Stain should be gone.

Neat.

Thanks.

Gonna need a lot
of salt everywhere.

I would listen to her.

She looks like she knows
what she's talking about.

VICKI:
Wonder if she has other tips

for, like,
bullet holes and stuff.

(phone rings)

Hello?

SUSIE (on phone):
Yeah, uh, Mrs. Weissman?

Yes?

Hello, I'm a friend
of your daughter's.

ROSE:
And?

Well, she just wanted me to call

to say that, uh, she's fine,
nothing's wrong,

she's just gonna be home
a little later than usual.

She just wanted to make sure
it's okay you guys

keep an eye on the kids
a while longer.

Who is this?

Well, I... I told you, ma'am,

I'm a, I'm a friend of Midge's.

Your name. What's your name?

Uh... Carol.

You had to think about it?

- Janet?
- Wait.

Do you not know who you are?

- Not at the moment.
- Where is she?

- Where's Miriam? -Look, this is
really about the kids.

What about the kids?

You know, I just blanked.

But look, I just...
all I know is Midge is fine,

she will pick up the kids later,
she's just gonna be late.

Uh-huh.

Let's start again
from the top, shall we?

Sure.

OFFICER:
Miriam Maisel?

- Yes.
- Your bail's posted.

MIDGE:
Lipstick, cigarettes...

Hey, I had some
Necco Wafers in here.

They're gone.

A little lesson
that crime doesn't pay.

You got a coat? It's cold out.

Susie probably has it.

- You're not Susie.
- Nope.

Thought Susie bailed me out.

I was working down the street,

heard some cute uptown chick
got arrested doing a set.

I put two and two together.

Well...

Thanks.

I guess we're even.

- Hey, I threw in cab fare.
- Aw, rats.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

Called me cute, huh?

Here, I got it.

Thanks.

MIDGE: Hey, I thought
you were bailing me out.

- What's wrong? -Your mother.
That's what's wrong.

- So you called her. -Yeah,
I called her, and it was awful.

I mean, I forgot my own name.
How the hell does that happen?

- My mother can intimidate.
- I was Carol for a second,

then I was Donna or some shit,
then I was Mrs. Miniver

for like a full three minutes.

- Mrs. Miniver? From the movie?
- Yeah.

She was spinning webs
around me, man,

she was like a evil web-spinning
spider death sorceress.

I almost confessed
to the Lindbergh kidnapping.

They caught that guy.

Oh, shit.
You're not gonna believe this.

- Holy shit.
- What?

The best comedian... I mean,
the best fucking comedian

in the business...
is right over there. -Where?

SUSIE:
Right there.

You mean Lenny?

- Really? "Lenny,"
like you know him? -Yeah.

How the hell
do you know Lenny Bruce?

- He bailed me out.
- Why?

'Cause I bailed him out.

What the hell?
I've only known you two days.

LENNY:
Machine ate my quarters.

You should tell someone.

Or have one of mine,
uh, Lenny, please.

Thanks.

- You got a light?
- Uh, sure.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

(whispering):
What the fuck?

Susie, this is Lenny.

- Lenny, Susie.
- LENNY: Oh, yeah.

- From the Gaslight, right?
- (chuckles)

Yeah, I guess I precede me.
My... uh... r-reputation does.

Susie runs the Gaslight,
but she does more than that.

Yeah, uh, yeah, I'm-I'm
branching out at the moment.

I-I got some very big plans
in the works.

Very big plans.

Cool. What plans?

Blank. Second time tonight.

I need some coffee.

Could... coffee?

That looks scary.

And familiar.

I have to appear in court.

Oh, what's more fun than that?

- A late-in-life bris,
that's more fun. -Uh-uh.

Let your manager
take care of this.

Manager. That's what
I blanked on earlier.

- I'm a manager now.
- Cool.

I will get you a lawyer.

Lawyer talk: my cue to leave.

- Thanks again, Lenny, really.
- Anytime.

Oh, hey, I'm introducing
a friend's combo

at the Vanguard Friday night,
you should come by.

Uh, both of you.

- We'll see.
- I will, uh,

very seriously consider that,
Mr. Bruce.

Thank you.

See you.

(exhales)

Figures.

- What? -You get arrested, you
get bailed out by Lenny Bruce.

If I got arrested,
I'd be bailed out

by whatever Village tinker bell
has blow job money

left over from the night before.

ROSE:
She said nothing.

She just waltzed in,
scooped up the kids,

yelled "thanks" and left.

No explanation.

It was 1:15 in the morning.

And it was cold last night.

What does that have to do
with anything?

Nothing, I'm just saying
it was cold.

Where's the coffee?

Why is there no coffee?

Her hair was still wet,
like she just showered.

Who showers at that hour?

Where's Zelda?
Zelda's in charge of coffee.

She's acting so strange
and different.

ABE:
Why?

Why? Her marriage, Abe.

When did Zelda get married?

- Not Zelda, your daughter.
- Oh, her.

Yes, her. I know
it's a horrible time,

but I don't know
what's going on with her.

I don't know what she's doing
or where she's going.

Yesterday, after that blow-up
at dinner, she just left.

And she had a place to go.

If I got mad at you
at 10:00 at night,

and I walked out that door,
I would not have a place to go.

I'd be standing
outside the door thinking,

"I don't have a place to go."

She walked out that door
and had a place to go.

And that call from this strange
person, this "Mrs. Miniver."

Mrs. Miniver? From the movie?

Obviously it wasn't
Mrs. Miniver, Abe.

Somebody stole my briefcase.

Who is this person
that doesn't give me her name?

That doesn't even seem to know
what she's calling about.

She didn't even know
the kids' names.

I even heard her crying
at one point.

I was trying to get more
information out of her

and I realized she wasn't even
on the other end of the phone,

she had gone somewhere,
I was talking to myself.

- Abe, are you listening?
- Yes!

Then acknowledge me.

Somebody really did
steal my briefcase.

It's in the foyer.

It shouldn't be there.

This is not my relationship
with Miriam.

This is not
how it's always been.

I used to know all her friends.

I used to know what she did.

I used to know her mind.

Now I know nothing.

It was in the foyer.

I'm very concerned about her.

I have that thing tonight.

(door opens and closes)

(birds chirping)

MIDGE:
It's the fourth time

in three days.

I wake up and he's just
standing there, staring at me.

IMOGENE:
Spooky.

MIDGE:
He's never done this.

Well, it's pretty obvious
what this is about.

- It is? -The man
whose name we do not speak.

- You mean Joel? -I thought
we weren't speaking his name.

He's living with you, Imogene,
how can you not speak his name?

I'm just trying to be sensitive.

I don't think that's it.

I mean, Ethan's so young,

and Joel was usually off
to work before he was even up.

Oh, no, Ethan knows,
because kids know everything.

They're like those monkeys
who know a tsunami's coming

before everyone else.

They know.

Maybe.

Well, what does Dr. Spock say?

I don't know.

Have you not consulted
your Dr. Spock?

No.

But you have Dr. Spock.

I think so.

Midge, have you not
read Dr. Spock?

- I've skimmed it.
- Skimmed it?

Midge, you don't skim Dr. Spock,

you absorb Dr. Spock,
you inhale Dr. Spock.

I mean, how are your children
even alive

- and you have not read
Dr. Spock? -I'm not sure.

It's everything you need to know
about raising children.

I got my copy
the day I met Archie.

I brought it along
on our second date.

He was surprised.

Oh, shoot,
I'm talking about Archie.

- So?
- He's my husband.

Yes, I know, I know Archie.

But I wasn't going to say
the "H" word.

- You can say it.
- You're getting upset.

- I'm not getting upset.
- You're mad at me

- that we took him in.
- I'm not mad at you,

- it's not your fault. -How could
it possibly be my fault?

- I said that it wasn't.
- It's not.

- Okay. -So you're fine
with this whole situation?

Well, I'm not loving it.

I knew it. You hate me.

- I don't hate you.
- You're ganging up on me.

There's one of me, Imogene.

One person cannot gang up
on someone. That's math.

- You sound mad.
- I know.

I'm sorry.

I hate Joel.

I resigned as president
of his fan club yesterday.

(piano playing)

Hello.

Hello? Mama?

Coming.

Oh, hello, handsome.

Oh, you look nice. Chanel?

Jacques Fath.

- New?
- Kind of.

Pretty. Where are you off to?

Dentist.

So, Esther's got
an ear infection again.

That's because her forehead

is putting pressure
on her eardrums.

Did you tell the doctor that?

MIDGE: I will mention it
next time I see him.

Abe, Miriam is here.

I see her.

Fancy outfit for a dentist.

Is Joel going to be there?

No, he's not.

I'm putting the exact amount
in each bottle

so you don't have
to think about it.

So, where is Joel staying?

He is staying
with Archie and Imogene.

Oh, that's good.

Why is that good, Mama?

Well, at least he's not
living with that girl.

If the baby wakes up,

it's a drop in each ear,

and don't let her wriggle
for a full minute after.

I just put her hands under her
tush and sit on her lightly.

Miriam, wait.

- Miriam.
- Mama, I'm late.

Hear me out because if he's
not living with that girl,

maybe it's not so serious.

You said he was in love
with her, but maybe he's not.

Maybe you should
give him a call.

Abe, what do you think?

ABE: I told everybody
what I thought should happen

and everybody
completely ignored me.

That's not true.

Or maybe you should go have
dinner with your friends,

Archie and Imogene,
at their place tonight.

Don't let Ethan bring his
Lincoln Logs near the playpen.

Esther eats them.

I mean, they're your friends
as much as Joel's.

- Right, Abe?
- ABE: Ibid!

- MIDGE: I've got to go.
- What? Miriam!

I'll be back later
this afternoon.

Don't forget to sit on the baby.

MAN:
Pardon me.

(man speaking indistinctly
over P.A.)

Is-is this Christopher Street?

Yes? No?

God, yeah.

(siren wailing in distance)

- Hey.
- Give it to me.

MAN: The judge doesn't know
what he's talking about.

How do I know?

I've only litigated in front of
the man, like, a thousand times.

No, not literally, smart-ass.

Uh, it's a figure of speech.

Sorry, is this
a lawyer's office?

Yes, it is.

Smells like mildew.

Well, that could be me.
What's with the duds?

You got a shoot
with Harper's Bazaar later?

I always dress nicely
for important meetings.

When Joel and I met our co-op
board for the first time,

I made the mistake
of wearing pedal pushers

and they made us
come back three times.

Is that a sandwich?

It used to be.

Here, come. Sit.

No, no, listen, Lizanne,
Terminiello v. Chicago.

Douglas says the function
of free speech

is to invite dispute!

Yeah, that's fucking poetry,
goddamn it.

I say so, too.
I'll call you later.

You're my 11:00?

- MIDGE: Yes, sir.
- Susie, right?

Yeah, and this is Miriam Maisel,
Michael Kessler.

You going somewhere after this?

Country club? White House?

I dressed for the meeting.

You dressed for the meeting.
(snorts)

(laughing):
She dressed for the meeting.

I dress for important meetings.

Well, you've come
to the wrong place.

You like that?

Kirk Douglas gave me that.

He used it when he played
Van Gogh in that movie.

Really? W-Wow.
I-I love Kirk Douglas.

I worked pro Bono for his pal,
Trumbo,

when he refused to name names
to Congress.

You worked on that?

Oh, Michael here
has defended them all.

Mainly constitutional things.

Yeah, Jim Crow, he's on it.

- Voting rights, he's on it.
- What's happening with voting?

Besides states keeping Negroes
from the polls, you mean?

Yeah, Ethel and Julius
Rosenberg, he was on their team.

Took four zaps in the chair

to kill poor Ethel.

There was smoke
coming out of her ears.

Ah, Jewish women are known
to be more difficult.

This is really fascinating.

I'm-I'm gonna read up on all
this stuff when I get home.

You mean right after
your cotillion?

- My what?
- (snorts)

(laughs)
I'm just joking.

You are dressed very fancy.

All right,
let's see what we got here.

"Performing without
a cabaret license." Bullshit.

"Public indecency."

You said stuff
to make a nun blush,

but you didn't say it
in a convent, I'm assuming.

I was not in a convent.

- So, where's the crime?
- Right.

Wow. "Simulating a sex act
while on stage."

"Sex act"? What?
That's-that's ridiculous.

Yeah, I would've
remembered that.

Says something here
about miming a whore

tickling a man's testicles.

- Oh, I did do that.
- Oh, yeah, she did.

It was fucking funny.

And apparently,
you exposed your breasts.

I do not remember that.

I do, and I got
to tell you, Mike,

when she whipped those
things out, I ducked.

I'm telling you, boy,
they were glowing.

It was like a Mack truck
was coming at me. It killed.

- We will fight it all.
- MIDGE: Good.

I would like
to be found innocent.

I would like that, too.

Cops that hang out around
outside clubs

waiting to harass entertainers

for doing their thing,
I hate that.

Passionately.

You start controlling speech,

you're slip-sliding
toward fascism,

and we saw how that turned out.

MIDGE:
Great. You're hired.

It's kind of up to him.

The meeting is more
to get him to do it.

Oh. Will you do it?

For nothing?

If you had just dressed
for the meeting.

- (telephone ringing)
- Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Kessler.

Kessler.

Yeah, Tom, I told you
to call me yesterday.

No, this is not
about the Rikers thing.

This is about the Jersey thing.
Hang on, hang on.

The outfit...

You will not see it again.

No, no, no. Wear it to court.

It was an illegal search.

How? They had no warrant

and they busted his door in,
that's how.

Thank you, Jerry.

Rose?

Shh.

(sighs)

(quietly): I want to work
on these signs with you.

Rose?

Rose... can I get you anything?

No.

Rose...

I just...

I just have to let this pass.

All right.

I'll be in my study.

ROSE:
Our daughter is in trouble,

and you're not doing
anything about it.

So, it's my understanding,
Mr. Kennedy,

that your client
is pleading guilty

to drunk and disorderly conduct,

including obstruction
of pedestrian traffic.

Guy in the yellow shirt.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

One, two, three.

- Rapist.
- Confidence trickster.

Confidence trickster?

Who are you, Charles Dickens?

He is not a rapist.

He looks pretty rapey to me.

I'm going with con man.

Or arsonist.

You can't change your answer.

All right, orange tie,
crappy suit. Ready?

- Yeah.
- One, two, three.

- Pickpocket.
- Horse fucker.

I thought we were
really playing.

No, I'm telling you,
that guy has fucked a horse.

Got the judge to drop
the cabaret license thing.

- Oh, great.
- Yes, thank you.

He's in kind of a pissy mood,
so let me do the heavy lifting.

Gladly.

- (gavel bangs)
- Next case.

Docket number 4623.

Miriam Maisel,

charged with 1140A
of the penal law.

Tits up.

Miriam Maisel, you are charged

with 1140A of the penal law.

While performing
in a licensed venue,

you presented and participated
in an obscene, indecent tableau.

Uh, who is presiding
as the prosecutor?

Leon Cranmer, on behalf
of the People, Judge.

Uh-huh, and for the defense?

Good morning, Your Honor,
Michael Kessler.

- And may I address the court?
- (sighs)

- Yes, Mr. Kessler.
- Thank you, Your Honor.

Your Honor, Mrs. Maisel is
as she appears before you:

an upstanding citizen
with a spotless record.

She is married with two
beautiful preschool children.

She's a graduate of Bryn Mawr

and is enormously respected
in her community.

A list of people

willing to vouch
for her fine character

would be as long as your arm.

A list that would include
the venerable Rabbi Wasserman

of Temple Shearith Israel.

But most importantly,

and I cannot stress
this strongly enough,

there is no way
this activity would recur.

This was a blip, an anomaly.

It will never happen again.

But it already has.

KESSLER:
I'm sorry?

Isn't this her second arrest?

Yes, but, Your Honor...

Regardless of that, Your Honor,
there's no denying

that Mrs. Maisel is
an honorable, respectable woman,

and we are asking that
these charges be dismissed.

JUDGE:
Mm-hmm.

Is your husband
in the courtroom?

Who, me?

I don't believe Mr. Kessler
has a husband.

Is your husband
in the courtroom, ma'am?

No.

Well, I'm surprised by that.

He's at work.

Well, this is a serious matter,
little lady.

So I'm curious as to why
he didn't take the morning off

to help you deal with this.

Well, maybe he thought
I could handle it on my own.

Yes, Mr. Maisel is a busy man,
and I see no reason

to use up any more of your
valuable time, Your Honor.

The language chronicled in
these incidents, ma'am, crude.

- Lewd.
- Well, I...

And also hearsay, Your Honor,

reported by an obviously
overzealous police officer.

Effectively,
this was entrapment.

Mr. Kessler,
we don't need to hear

how much you hate the police.

I don't hate the police,
Your Honor,

but I would like to point out
that no other witness

has stepped forward to make
any sort of complaint.

Mrs. Maisel,
we all slip sometimes.

Would you agree to that?

Yes, Your Honor.

But the court does acknowledge
your standing in the community,

your lack of prior arrests.

You're certainly packaged right.

Thank you?

In many ways, it's our culture
that's slipping.

Shirley Temple is
a thing of the past.

- Too bad.
- Shirley Temple, Your Honor?

Surely, Your Honor,
these are salient points.

Now, I'll consider dismissal
after some assurance

that you'll no longer engage
in actions

to the detriment
of the moral health

of those around you.

- Moral health? Oh, come on.
- Excuse me.

- Your Honor... -Look,
ev-everyone in that audience

was so plastered,
they didn't know

- what the hell was going on,
anyway. -What was that?

It's a coffee house, it's just
coffee, there's no booze.

- Sit down, young man.
- Well, at least he said "young."

Your Honor, emotions are running
a little high here...

And what exactly was wrong
with the words I said?

What's the crime there?

The language you used was foul,
indisputably.

But what's the difference
between me saying those words

on a stage to an audience
that's there to hear them,

and a bunch of guys
saying shit loud enough

- for everybody to hear at P.J.
Clarke's? -What did you say?

With everything
that's going on out there,

Jim Crow laws, voter fraud,

you're taking the time
to pick on a "little lady"?

That's bullshit.

- (crowd gasping)
- Mrs. Maisel!

Ethel and Julius Rosenberg
were framed!

(door locks)

- Thanks, Judy.
- You got it.

Contempt of court fine
is $200. Cash.

Can't you talk him out of it?

This isn't Perry Mason.

I have to go to the bathroom.

They'll let you use
the bathroom.

Have you seen the bathroom?
I'm not using that bathroom.

Well, then you're gonna have to
hold it until you pay the money.

- What a scam...
- And go back into court

- and apologize to the judge.
- No way.

- I'm not apologizing.
- Then you're staying here.

I can't stay here,
I have to pick up my son.

Then you got to pay $200
and apologize to the judge.

Not until he apologizes to me.

Then you're staying here.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

- MIDGE: Joel.
- Midge?

What's-what's wrong?
Are the kids okay?

Yes. Listen...

I'm gonna ask you for something
and I need you to say yes.

I need $200.

In cash.

- And I need it in the next hour.
- What?

A man is gonna pick it up.

Please don't ask him who he is.

And please never ask me
what the money's for.

- Just give it to him.
- (jail cell door opens)

Wait... where are you?

- Don't ask me that either.
- "Don't ask"?

Well, what the hell
can I ask you, Midge? I mean...

Y-You call me up out of the blue
asking for money,

I can't ask you this,
I can't ask you that,

I don't know if you're hurt,
or you're sick,

or there's a fat guy in back
of you with a gun to your head.

It's crazy, I'm having
a heart attack here.

What do you want me to do?

Joel?

- One hour.
- Thank you.

(elevator whirring)

♪ I suddenly need assistance ♪

♪ But will I find it here? ♪

♪ There's more to you, my lad ♪

♪ Than meets the eye
or the earth ♪

♪ The story you tell
with such aplomb ♪

♪ I somehow can't believe ♪

♪ I'm curious as to just exactly
what is up your sleeve... ♪

(women laugh)

- ♪ What's in it for you? ♪
- ♪ What's in it for you? ♪

- ♪ What's in it for you...? ♪
- ♪ What's in it for you...? ♪

- ♪ What is it you're after? ♪
- ♪ What is it you're after? ♪

- ♪ I wish I knew ♪
- ♪ I wish I knew. ♪

I'll be damned. Abe Weissman?

Gracing the floors
of my humble business?

- How are you, Abe?
- I'm good, Moishe!

When was the last time you were
south of Central Park, Abe?

Was Roosevelt still president?

It's been a while, Moishe.

You too busy to talk?

For you? Never. Get down here.

Please, tell me

you've come to let me fit you
for a decent suit.

My God, Abe, I've been trying
to get you out of tweeds

since Hector was a pup.

I'm not here for a suit, Moishe.

Or something for Rosie, then.

Not that I've ever seen her
wear the same thing twice.

She has plenty of clothes.

Well, then, what?

- Well...
- It's about dinner. I know.

It was a terrible night.
I'm sorry it took that turn.

All that yelling,
all that emotion.

- It was very emotional.
- Well, you try to make someone

do the right thing,
doesn't always work out.

- Moishe...
- Uh-oh.

Serious face.
Easter Island face.

I know that face.

I was wondering,
is there any way

I can get you
to change your mind

- about taking back
the apartment? -Nope. No way.

- I paid for it.
I overpaid for it. -I know.

It was mine to take back.
My son knew this.

- I'm sure he did.
- So what's the point here, Abe?

Why are you even
bringing this up?

- I want to get the kids
back together. -Join the club.

And the apartment is
a big piece of that puzzle.

I've already put it
on the market.

You can take it off the market.

People are gonna
love the layout,

and it's so close to the park.

I'll pay for half the apartment.

What do you mean,
you'll pay for half?

So, we're each in 50-50.

Co-owners.

Then, we keep it available

if and when Joel and Miriam
get back together.

Hmm. 50-50, huh?

Yes.

Like we did the temple seats.

Yes.

Just like we did
the temple seats.

And you can swing that?
Place ain't cheap.

- I can swing it.
- You can swing for that,

but not for a better suit?

- My suits are fine, Moishe.
- Your suits are old.

My suits are good.

(sighs)
You know...

- Ah, I shouldn't say it.
- No.

No, go ahead, say it.

I never thought
you liked me so much.

No. I like you
very much, Moishe.

I don't know. We invite
you over, you never come.

Well, school keeps me busy.

Shirley never sees
enough of Rosie.

- That we should fix...
- And maybe it's me,

but you always seemed
to have a weird attitude

whenever I brought up the 13.

- You know what
I'm talking about? -Uh...

The 13 people I got
out of Germany in '43...

No, I know who they are...

At great cost, at great
sacrifice, I did that, Abe.

I have nothing but admiration
for the great sacrifice you made

to get those poor people
out of Germany, Moishe.

- You do?
- Yes, very much.

Good. Good.

I'll take the offer, 50-50,
for the kids.

Thank you, Moishe.

Look at this.

- Huh?
- Look at this! Come here!

- Oh. Okay.
- (laughs)

- You and me on the same side!
- Uh-huh.

- The Allies planning D-Day.
- Yeah, yes.

And who's gonna stop us, huh?

- No one's gonna stop us, Moishe.
- No.

No one's gonna stop us.

- No. -Hey, wait a minute,
wait, here we go.

Take this for Rosie.

- No, really, Moishe... -When was
the last time you came home

- with a gift for your wife?
- Fairly recently.

- Take it. -All right,
fine, fine, but here's some...

What are you, crazy?
Your money's no good here.

All right.
Now, that's very nice of you,

but this is your
business, and...

Oh, no, I wouldn't hear of it.

(laughing):
Well.

Thank you for the coat, Moishe.

Now we just have to figure out

how to get Joel
to the next step.

- Oh, Joel will come back.
- What do you mean?

I mean, I know my son.

Follow-through's
never been his strong suit.

Tell Rosie not to worry,
he'll be back.

Partners!

Ha, ha.

Yeah, Tuesday's fine.

I got a 4:00 call,
then I'm in the clear.

Hey, who else is gonna...

Al, let me call you back.

Mr. Maisel.

Yes?

She's okay?

She's okay.

Welcome back, Mrs. Maisel.

I see that you've posted payment
on your fine,

and that you have something
you'd like to say to the court.

Yes, Your Honor.

My behavior earlier today
was irrational.

JUDGE:
Could you speak up, please?

My behavior earlier today

was irrational, irresponsible

and extremely disrespectful.

I let my emotions
get the better of me.

After all, I am a woman.

And therefore,
I humbly apologize.

Good, good.

Now my original inclination
was to dismiss these charges,

but in view of what happened
here today, I offer this:

plead guilty, and you'll
be sentenced to time served.

Otherwise, you can risk trial,

where the maximum fine
will be a thousand dollars

and up to three months in jail.

- Three months?
- Now, as you consider this,

please think long and hard

about how generous
I'm feeling right now,

and about how easy it would be
to make me angry again.

I plead guilty, Your Honor.

JUDGE:
Good!

The defendant pleads guilty
on all counts,

and she is sentenced
to time served.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Yes, thank you, Your Honor.

You're welcome, Mrs. Maisel.
And by the way,

that is a lovely dress
you are wearing.

Hang on to my card.

Uh, I think
you're gonna need it.

I'm burning this dress
when I get home.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be
so late for Ethan.

Hey, get this: the horse fucker
was a flasher, so I was close.

- Susie.
- Huh?

- Tell me it's gonna work.
- What?

This comedy thing,
I'm-I'm staking a lot on it.

It's gonna affect
my whole family, it has to work.

Of course it's gonna work.

No, I mean,
it really has to work.

Miriam, it's okay.

I have been gearing up for this
my entire life.

I have got a plan.
It is long term,

and I swear to you,
it is gonna work.

JOEL:
All right, just keep in mind

that Dow Chemical always slows
down around the holidays.

So, someone should drop by
their Jersey plant, like now,

to see them in person,
check in on the pipeline.

Please don't make me
go to Jersey.

Don, you're going to Jersey.

Oh, I don't get a say?

Seniority counts
for something, Donny.

They like us there.

Let them show you around,
take you to lunch.

Just don't get too drunk.

Ha! Good luck with that.

Help Don out on his travel?

Certainly.

- Come back a conqueror.
- You got it, boss.

- Hey, you up for a drink?
- Can't.

The missus talked me into
bowling with some couples

from her literary
improvements club.

- Ouch.
- Tag along.

You and I can drink and
they can all keep pretending

they liked
The World of Suzie Wong.

- I'll pass.
- I figured.

Hey, if you don't eat
before you get home,

Imogene left you some meatloaf
in the fridge.

- Oh, I'll be fine.
- Sitter will be there at 7:00,

but she knows
you got first dibs on the TV.

Yeah, listen, Arch, you know,

I'm not gonna be
on your couch forever.

- I promise.
- What are you talking about?

This is great.

You're like the pet
we never had.

Yeah, well, I'm working on
a plan, just so you know.

Sure, sure.
Get your own place.

You get your name up in lights.

What?

Joel Maisel, king of comedy.

Oh, yeah, right.
Well, we'll see about that.

Let's get Mason's sign-off
over at Dow

and then we can talk
about king of comedy.

Okay. Oh, hey.

Uh, for the sitter.

All right.
Bowling alley's in Jersey.

- There's no escaping Jersey.
- (chuckles)

Mr. Maisel.

Yes, Mrs. Moskowitz?

It's Penny on the line, again.

Tell her I left already.

Yes, sir.

(upbeat jazz music playing)

(audience laughing)

LENNY:
Let me explain it to you.

Let me explain Jewish
and goyish to you.

I'll show you how it works.

Uh, Gene Ammons is Jewish.

Ray Charles is very Jewish.

(audience laughs)

Al Jolson is goyish.

(audience laughs)

The Army is goyish.

The Navy is goyish.

The Marine Corps is goyish.

The Air Force is Jewish.

(audience laughs)

Kool-Aid, goyish.

Instant potatoes, scary goyish.

- (laughs) -There was a thing
in Life magazine,

there was a picture of this cat.

See, he's up in the mountains,
a r-rope around him,

in this ad for Camel cigarettes.

And it's-it's, uh...

This is... dig, his name
is so goyish, it's beautiful.

(audience laughs)

Bob B-Y-H-R-E.

Try to say it.
Bob B-Y-H-R-E.

Bob Buh?

- (laughs) -It's so goyish,
you can't even say it.

- (audience laughs)
- Bob Burrre.

Now, dig, Bob, it said,
"Bob Bhyre,

who goes up to the mountains
to save people for nothing."

He risks his life
to save people for nothing.

What Jew would do that?

(laughing)

Bob Byhre does it.

Now, dig it, uh,
these cats behind me,

they're just cool.

Uh, they just got back
from Chicago,

opening for Mingus.

In fact, I heard he was thinking
about packing it in

after hearing them.
Isn't that right, guys?

So, give them
a round of applause

and don't fake it
like you did for me

or like your wives do for you.

(audience laughs)

Lindsey Trent and the Hot Three.

(band plays)

You actually made it.

I actually did.

It's my first jazz club.

- Oh, mine, too.
- (chuckles)

Pounder comes up, saying
I was all drunk and belligerent.

- (Midge laughs)
- Well, were you?

I wasn't drunk. I was stoned.

(all laugh)

And we had finished playing
for the night.

LINDSEY:
What's that have to do with it?

I wasn't belligerent
during the set.

Nah, you were just missing notes
during the set.

LENNY:
Yeah, but it's jazz.

Who can tell when
you're missing the notes?

You know, in St. Louis,
they pulled me in for spitting.

- What?
- Spitting, yeah.

Spitting while black
is more like it.

Hell, yeah.

- I've been hooked seven times.
- Seven? What?

For talking in front of people
who paid to see me talk.

- Hmm.
- Seven arrests.

Shit, you got me beat.

Yeah, I only got the one.

Two for me.

We're talking
about getting arrested.

Yeah.

For jaywalking or something?

Profanity. Indecent exposure.

LINDSEY:
Shit.

Well, much respect, Duchess.

Is this a marijuana joint?

- Oh, that smell.
- Get ready, man, get ready.

My college roommate's sock
drawer smelled like this.

I thought it was some
Eastern European potpourri.

I hold it in, right?

- If you can.
- MAN: No, no, man.

This can't be the little man.

Yeah, six months and counting.

What, what? He looks like
he can already hold drumsticks.

- He can hold drumsticks.
- (laughs)

He can hold a radial tire.

He's strong, this kid.

No cough.

Was I supposed to cough?

Not if you can help it.

Excellent.

How do you feel?

How do I feel?
How do I feel?

I'm trying to figure out
how I feel.

I feel fine. I feel good.

So, what do we do?
Do we do an activity?

- Take another hit.
- (laughter)

(coughing):
Oh, so cute.

Shoot, I coughed.

- I noticed.
- (coughs)

Is this your baby?

- He thinks it is.
- Shut up, man.

- (laughter)
- Oh, so cute.

LINDSEY:
You got any of your own?

- A boy and a girl.
- Yeah, let's see a picture.

- Oh.
- LINDSEY: This one, man,

it's all my wife's doing.

I come home every night.

It's still breathing.
It's a little bit bigger.

You know, she does it all
and I just roll thunder.

She is amazing.

- (door opens)
- MAN 2: Hey, guys.

- You're back up.
- Damn.

- Lenny, go introduce us.
- Oh, come on.

You can't ask me after I've
taken five hits off a joint.

I can't remember my name.

I'll introduce you.

An activity. Yes.

Here, hold this.

Where the hell does
she think she's going?

I have no idea.

Anyone got Sen-Sen?

- Hi, everybody. -MAN: Hi.
- (microphone feedback)

Are you ready
for some more music?

(audience cheers and whoops)

MIDGE:
Nice.

So, first time at a jazz club,
raise your hand.

Just me?

Wow. Only virgin.

(audience chuckles)

Losing my virginity
to a bunch of jazz musicians,

every Jewish mother's
worst nightmare.

- (audience laughs) -Anyway, I
was outside talking to the guys,

and Lindsey here
whips out his...

- (audience chuckles)
- ...wallet.

What did you think
I was gonna say? His penis?

No. That was already out.

So, he pulled out a picture
of his really cute baby,

very adorable, and then somebody
asked me if I had kids,

and I said yes,
and they asked to see a picture,

and I realized...
I don't have one.

I've got two kids. No picture.

I've got everything else
in the world in my purse.

I've got a... look,
a-a Diners Club card,

a compact;

one, two, three lipsticks...
three.

Two lips, three lipsticks.

- (audience laughs)
- Nail polish,

cigarettes, a corn pad,
and a Kotex sanitary belt.

It comes in white now, ladies,
so rush right out.

- (audience laughs)
- I mean,

if my kids got kidnapped
and I had to describe them,

I'd have to say,
"They look like kids.

"I-I don't know.
The whosit's got a head.

The other one's got a... head."

- Anyone know this fucker?
- (woman gasps)

- Dr. Spock.
- (audience applauds)

I had never read this,

not until my son started doing
this really weird thing

where I wake up and he's staring
at me like he's planning things.

And-and I'm thinking,
"Well, right now he's small.

I can take him,
but in a few years..."

(audience laughs)

So, I turned to the expert.

And one of the things
he says is, "Trust yourself."

You know more
than you think you do."

Are you fucking kidding me?

- (laughs)
- That's his sage advice?

"You got this"?

Trust me, I don't got this.

And now, now I'm thinking,
"A," I could have used the money

I spent on this stupid book
on a fourth lipstick,

and "B," what if I wasn't
supposed to be a mother?

What if I picked
the wrong profession?

If you're afraid of blood,
you don't become a surgeon.

If you don't like to fly,
you don't join Pan Am.

I-I can't change my mind and
donate my kids to the library,

like I'm gonna do
with this book.

- (book thuds)
- (audience laughs)

Oh, my God, I'm awful.

I mean, women are supposed
to be mothers.

It's supposed to be natural.

It comes with the tits, right?

The equipment is pre-installed.

I mean, are there exceptions?

What if some of us are just
supposed to travel a lot?

Or run 24-hour diners out in
rural areas wearing coveralls?

What if some of us are supposed

to just talk to adults
our entire life?

Oh, I never thought about
any of this before tonight.

Ethan's gonna know.

He's gonna look at my face
when I get home

and figure out he has to
accelerate the plan.

- Fuck.
- (audience laughs)

I thought this was supposed
to be a fun evening,

filled with music
and smoking pot

with a bunch of strange men
in an alley,

and instead I'm filled
with dread and doubts

and I am starving.

Why am I starving?
Do they serve food here?

Is Lenny Bruce boring at home?
Like, at home is he all,

(deadpan):
"Have you seen my red socks?"

And then he comes on stage
and he's all,

(imitating George Macready):
"I'm gonna put a little

airplane glue on a rag
and fuck, shit, cock, prick."

And are those pretzels?

(audience applauds and chuckles)

Mmm. Delicious.

What?

You got to introduce the band.

Oh, shit.

Lindsey Trent and the Hot Three.

♪ ♪

Excuse me, ma'am.

Yes?

Guests have to sign in.

Then I will do that.

And your name is?

Chuckle Frankenburg.

Are you sure
you're in the right place?

- The Friars Club?
- I don't know. Am I?

- I don't know.
- Third base.

This was fun.

Ma'am, please don't walk
away from me.

- Ma'am. (clears throat)
- May I help you?

Ah, yes.
I am here to have dinner.

I don't think so.

- Sorry, Kenneth.
- Oh, Kenneth.

He was talking some serious shit
about you earlier.

(clucks tongue)
Naughty boy. Carry on.

KENNETH:
Ma'am?

Ma'am, ma'am.

This club is for members only.

It's a hangout for comics,
not the U.N.

Just loosen up, guys.

- You can't stay here.
- Then kick me out.

No takers?

Why don't you get Milton Berle
to swing his dick around,

knock me out into the street.

- That'll do the trick.
- Hold on, guys.

CONCIERGE:
I'm sorry, Mr. Drake.

We'll take care of this.

No, I'll take care of this.

- Hello, Susie.
- Harry.

You're a giant pain in the ass.

Your ear hair is turning gray.

I'll take it from here, guys.

If she touched you, wash.

Ha-ha. We still on
for lawn bowling Sunday, yeah?

Come on.

HARRY:
Two Scotches, please.

Wow, George Jessel looks like
he fell in a vat of fries.

Did I miss your call?

- I didn't call.
- Couldn't scrape up a nickel?

Didn't want to deal with
your idiot secretary.

I hate her.
I hate all secretaries.

They're worthless.
What's the name of yours?

- Sandra.
- Mm.

Yeah, she's half moron,
half boobs.

And 100% my wife.

Really?
Since when?

A few months ago. I'm sorry you
weren't invited to the wedding.

Mm, I'll go to the next one.

So I sent this kid
down to the Gaslight,

he's working up a set.

Fellow named Langford.
You catch him?

I caught the whiff.
I can still smell it.

No good, huh?

Well, he helped tune the piano,
so it wasn't a complete loss.

Susie, um, don't take this
the wrong way,

but, uh, what the hell
are you doing here?

Well, I'm thinking about getting
into management, like you.

- Well, there's no one like me.
- I know.

I mean, you discovered
a lot of people.

Good people, funny people.

I mean, you put Jerry and Dean
together, for Christ's sake.

You're the only one I can stand
in this stupid business.

I love you, too.

I found somebody,
and she is impulsive

and intuitive and hysterical,
and I think she's gonna be big.

She sing?

No, Harry, she's a comic.

Okay, okay.

Female comics are a tough sell.

What's her name?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Then you're gonna go after her,

and I'll be stuck
with your brother's nephew's

son's camp counselor
you sent to me last year.

All right, all right.
She'll remain nameless.

She's special.
I mean, raw, unpredictable.

And we are going forward
in a big, aggressive way.

- Well, that sounds great.
- It is.

- I just, I got one question.
- Shoot.

What the hell do I do?

(chuckles)

One question, huh?

Okay, lesson one,

learn how to deal
with secretaries.

Call and set up a lunch.

It's a much longer
conversation.

- No, the guy's name is Tanner,
- MAN: Taxi!

- and it's on Lenox.
- Right, the guy's Lanner,

- and it's on Tennox, I got it.
- You got shit.

- You're going with me.
- Fine, I'll go with you.

Just be gentle.

Hey, we're going up
to an after-hours in Harlem.

Do you want to tag along?

Oh, I-I think I'm gonna
head home.

Okay.

I did pretty good
for my first night of freedom.

- Freedom?
- Yeah.

My husband left me.

- Oh, shit.
- Yeah.

It's, uh...

Uh-oh, you need me to be
understanding or something?

I can pretend to do that.

It is what it is.

Here, take this one.
We'll grab another.

Thanks.

- LINDSEY: Night, Midge.
- MAN: Night, Midge.

For later.

- Riverside and 113th.
- DRIVER: Sure.

See ya, Midge.

Bye, Lenny.

Wait, was I supposed to
make a pass at you?

Dad, you know I look up to you,
and I respect you.

And I know that you've
always thought

that I'd follow you
into the business here.

But I'm not you. I'm me.

Now, you and Mom
sacrificed a lot,

and you've given me
every opportunity,

but, Dad, I want to make it
somewhere on my own.

Like you did.

Y-You came to New York
without a nickel in your pocket,

and you built something,
you forged your own path.

So let me forge mine.

Well, that's a very
sound argument, son.

You're a brilliant man...
I have faith

that you know what you're doing,

and you can achieve anything
you set your mind to.

Now, take off your clothes.

Okay, see, I don't think
my father's gonna say that.

He might.

You're not taking this
seriously.

- I am.
- You're not.

Okay, I'm gonna think
of serious things

to get myself in a serious
frame of mind.

Uh... the atom bomb.
Septic shock.

- Midge...
- Indochina, whatever that is.

Midge...

do you really think
this is a good idea?

It's a very sound argument.

I think you're
a brilliant man,

and I have faith that
you know what you're doing,

and you can achieve anything
you set your mind to.

Now, take off your clothes.

♪ A life of regret ♪

♪ And maybe I'll give ♪

♪ Much more than I'll get ♪

♪ But nevertheless,
I'm in love ♪

♪ With you. ♪

- Joel?
- Hey.

- You need...
- No, no, I got it.

DRIVER:
Thanks.

You been downtown?

Uh, no. Laundry day.

What are you doing here?

Midge...

I've been thinking a lot
about our situation...

where we are.

I'm on a couch.

And you, I mean, I don't know
what happened today.

I don't know what
you needed the money for,

and I don't care.

I promised I wouldn't ask.

But clearly, things aren't
going great

for either one of us.

Maybe this was a mistake.

So...

I'm thinking of giving it
another go.

(door creaks)

Papa?

What are you doing down here?

Well, I brought Ethan down
a few hours ago.

He likes his bed,

and he was staring at Rose
in a very weird way.

Sure, yeah.

Are you okay?

Joel was downstairs.

Here?

What did he want?

He wanted to give it another go.

Really?

Well...

what did you say?

No.

No?

Why?

Because you left.

♪ In the wee small hours ♪

♪ Of the morning ♪

♪ While the whole wide world ♪

♪ Is fast asleep ♪

♪ You lie awake ♪

♪ And think about the girl ♪

♪ And never, ever think ♪

♪ Of counting sheep ♪

♪ When your lonely heart ♪

♪ Has learned its lesson ♪

♪ You'd be hers ♪

♪ If only she would call ♪

♪ In the wee small hours ♪

♪ Of the morning ♪

♪ That's the time ♪

♪ You miss her most ♪

♪ Of all ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Girl, you got this need
to know what I'm all about ♪

♪ Well, there's something that
you dig you can't figure out ♪

♪ Well, now you wanna know
what moves my soul ♪

♪ And what ticks
inside of my brain ♪

♪ Well, I got this need
I just can't control ♪

♪ And it's A-drivin' me insane ♪

♪ I can't take it ♪

♪ Ow ♪

♪ Because I'm hungry
for those good things, baby ♪

♪ With a real fine girl
like you. ♪

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII