The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Mrs. X at the Gaslight - full transcript

MIDGE:
The one that got away.

The biggest heartache
of my life was not

my husband and the father
of my children leaving me,

it was never being able to
truly land Manniford McClaine.

(group chuckling)

Yes, that was his real name,

and he was fabulous.

He was the captain of
my high school football team.

He was the leader of the pack.

He had a jawline you could
stab your sister with.

-(laughter)
-He was so gorgeous that



after years of having
my mother tell me,

"Your virtue is a garden,
keep it watered,

but behind a fence,"

I bring him over for dinner,
she takes one look at him,

and suddenly it's like,
"You know what?

"It's not a high fence.

-"Just hop on over.
-(laughter)

Here, step on my hands,
I'll give you a boost."

-(laughter) -We almost
went to prom together.

-ALL: Ooh!
-As friends, but still.

Then his old girlfriend, Satan,
moved back from Rhode Island

and they got back together,
got married,

had four kids
and bought a waterfront mansion

-in Oyster Bay.
-ALL: Ooh!



Yes. And...

Hey, is there any more
onion dip?

ALL:
Shh!

Sorry.

(whispers):
Is there any more onion dip?

-(laughter)
-Continue, please.

Anyhow, the other day
I picked up a newspaper

and there on the front page
is a headline:

"Wall Street golden boy,
Manniford McClaine,

caught with head of wife
in trunk of car."

(all gasping)

That's right.

Manniford murdered his wife,

then drove around
with her head for an hour

before getting caught.
I couldn't believe it.

It-it had to be some other
Manniford McClaine.

But there he was,
in the paper, handcuffed,

being perp-walked
into the station.

And I just thought, "My God...

he still looks fantastic."

-(laughter)
-No, I mean it,

better looking than high school.
I know,

my first thought should've been,
"Dodged that bullet."

Instead it was, "I don't know,
he's single, I'm single.

If he beats this thing..."

-(laughter) -Okay,
I'm gonna stop talking now.

Harriet's brother is supposed
to play something for us.

Tommy? Play me off!

(cheering and applause)

(piano playing)

Thank you.
(laughs)

Oh. Thanks.

Onion dip.

♫

-♪ Bye bye love ♪
-Yes!

♪ Bye bye happiness... ♪

Vivian, you're out of glasses.

Thanks for pointing out the
painfully obvious, Frederick.

Stay vigilant!

I think I'm in love
with Frederick.

Frederick?
He's with Letty in toiletries.

Letty dumped him days ago.

I heard he was in love
with Carroll in the back office.

-Who's she?
-He.

How very Grecian.

That is a terrible rumor
to spread.

These are getting heavy.

Counter.

Use plastic cups next time.

Pay for 'em and I'll use 'em.

Give me that.
Were you raised by bears?

Thanks, Mary.

Coming through!

-♪ Hello emptiness ♪
-Careful.

Watch it.

This is a balance issue, people.

♪ Bye bye, my love,
good-bye-eye ♪

♪ Bye bye,
my love, good-bye-eye. ♪

Well done.

(cheering and laughter)

(in German accent): Oh, I'm so
Dasen-offen-upsetten-gruber.

-(man shushes)
-I'm sorry?

Fraulein, please help me.
I'm so lost.

-I'm looking for the Reichstag.
-The Reichstag?

You don't know this famous
German building?

Gaudy, very big,
and no elevator?

Oy, those steps will leave you
uber-pooped! Ha.

-(laughter) -MIDGE: You look
very familiar to me.

-Do I know you? -No, no, I just
have one of those punims.

-(laughter)
-What's your name?

My name, well, it's Ay-Rolf--

that's the first name--

"Jawohl," that's it.

-Not very common.
-Ay-Rolf.

Uh, and your last name?

Hitler... burg.

-(laughter)
-MIDGE: Well,

I've got to tell you,
Mr. Ay-Rolf Hitlerburg,

you're a pretty long way
from the Reichstag.

Well, that bitch Himmler sent me
off completely unprepared.

Did I say "Himmler"?

I meant "Himmlerstein."

Well, what were his directions?

He said to take a left,
and another left,

-and then the Third Reich.
-"Right."

That's what I said:
"Third Reich."

-"Right."
-Glad you agree.

-(laughter)
-MIDGE: Well,

you are a long way
from the fatherland.

Was is das?

Your German vocabulary's quite
impressive, by the way.

-Danke.
-You are in New York City.

New York City, interesting.

Any place you can recommend
for a quick bite to eat?

I'm feeling a bit peckish.

Oh, well, there's an excellent
deli around the corner.

-Yeah, deli's not really
my thing. -(laughter)

Okay, what do you like?

Whatever's fascist. Fastest!

Oy, what a day this has been.

(laughter)

-(doorbell buzzes)
-Pizza's here! Everybody pay up!

(applause, Midge laughs)

So, I'm not really
Ay-Rolf Hitlerburg.

Well, you had me fooled.

I'm Randall,
Vivian's fifth favorite cousin.

Midge,
Vivian's 34th best friend.

VIVIAN:
My what?

Nothing.

-Couple of comedians.
-Are you?

-Am I what?
-A comedian?

Oh, bad sign if you can't tell.

-No, you're hysterical.
-I'll take your pity.

Yes, I've been at it a while.
Almost made my living from it.

Got an agent, got a manager,
toured, did a little TV.

(scoffs)
In fact, I got to go.

-I got a set downtown
in a half hour. -Oh.

Crappy time slot, but, oh, well.

-You ever try a brisket?
-A brisket?

Personal joke.

See you again.

And don't be funny without me.

(chuckles)

You can't have Randall,
I'm in love with him.

He's your cousin, Vivian.

Twice removed.

Let's talk, sweetie.

♪ ♪

♪ I'm strictly a female female ♪

♪ And my future I hope will be ♪

♪ In the home of a brave ♪

♪ And free male ♪

♪ Who'll enjoy being a guy ♪

♪ Having a girl... ♪

Hey, Jack Webb. Do I look like
someone who would use anything

you sell in this store?

Follow the men shopping
for their mistresses.

It's bound to be more fun.

MIDGE:
This is a personal favorite.

But this one's a little bit
more dramatic.

You let me know if anything
speaks to you.

WOMAN:
Oh, I don't know.

I've never worn
much makeup before.

This was my daughter's idea.

Blue would be a wonderful color
on you.

I don't know.

-Which one is that again?
-Mermaid Ice.

Would you like to try it on?

-I don't know.
-Here.

My daughter said
I should try more.

She says I should live a little
before it's all over.

Before what's all over?

My life.
She said it's a failure.

I don't participate; that's why
my husband won't talk to me.

She's been very outspoken
since she went to Radcliffe.

-(Susie sighs)
-There.

What do you think?

I don't know.

Excuse me, is that Mermaid Ice?

I'm sorry, I'm in a big hurry.
My man's coming over

and I am all out
of my Mermaid Ice eye shadow.

And if I am not wearing that
when he gets home,

all hell breaks loose.

-Really?
-You kidding?

I couldn't get him
to give me the time of day,

much less give me the,
you know, time of day.

And then I came in here--

-you remember
when I came in here? -I do.

You came in here
and we talked about...

I told you my life was crap,
you sold me the Mermaid Ice,

and now my life
is a fat, fuzzy peach.

I mean, I-I'm going broke 'cause
this stuff costs a fortune,

but, man, is it worth it.

-Well, my goodness.
-Yeah.

If it worked for you...

I'll take two.

Wonderful.

You will not be sorry.

Margo, would you mind
ringing up Mrs. Winters

while I help my return customer
over here?

MARGO: Hello,
I can help you right here.

Well, well, well.

Just call me the closer.

I'm a little surprised
to see you.

Well, it's been a while
and last time we...

words were said and...

So, you're sorry?

-Sure.
-Good.

It's behind us.

So, this is where
you hang out now?

Well, you know
I never like to be

more than three feet
from a lipstick.

-I do. -It's a good job.
The girls are really nice.

And there's a vending machine
in the employee break room

that's broken, so if you hit it
just right, free Abba-Zabas.

-Mm, you are living the dream.
-Sorry to interrupt.

Midge, my parents
are making me throw them

a 25th anniversary party Friday.

-Friday? Short notice.
-I know.

And I have no idea what people
of their age do at parties.

My mom keeps saying
the word canapés.

Is that an old people's dance?

It's a type of hors d'œuvre.

You always know everything,
so any tips would help.

Hire help.

-And get chairs, lots of chairs.
-Right.

Old people sit.

MIDGE:
And invite some of your friends

for a little moral support.

Who the hell would want to come
to something like this?

I'll come.

You will?

Oh, my God, I love you.

I love her.

Ha.

-Booked a gig.
-I'm sorry, what?

It's just this thing
that I've been doing lately.

I've been working
the party circuit.

Which means...?

I go to parties and I talk.

-As opposed to...?
-People like to hear me talk.

And so far, it's been young
parties, Viv's age.

I haven't really worked
an older crowd yet,

so this is
a perfect opportunity.

I'll-I'll have to adjust
a few of my references,

but you have to be able
to read an audience, right?

Uh-huh.

Uh, hey, are there large
quantities of narcotics

in these Abba-Zabas of yours?

I can't explain. I...

Just-just come and you'll see.
Friday.

-Oh, I can't. I have plans.
-What plans?

Uh, to not be bored or miserable
at some old fuck's party.

Come. You'll-you'll watch,
you'll see, you'll understand.

I'll-I'll call you
with the address.

Wear something... clean.

ABE:
All right, everybody.

Time's up.

Put your papers on my desk

if they contain
the correct answers,

otherwise, just don't.

-Abe.
-Oh, hello, Irving.

What's up?

I want you to meet
Charles Connelly,

Executive Recruiter
from Bell Labs.

Bell Labs.

You got time to talk?

Uh, sure.

We're calling it
Project Echo, Abe.

A quantum leap
in satellite technology.

The commercial ramifications
of this could be huge.

Not to mention
its defense capabilities.

IRVING: It would revolutionize
the communications industry.

CHARLES: And Bell Labs
is leading the pack.

Abe, we're gathering
the best and the brightest

to help us get there first.

-May I stop you there?
-CHARLES: Of course.

I want no part of Sputnik panic.

This smacks of that.

There's no panic, Abe.

We're doing this right.

We never rush R&D.

Your colleague, Bill Chernik...

Bill and Abe have known
each other a long time.

Bill Chernik's a good man.

CHARLES: He's been consulting
with us for a while.

Ask him about us.
You'll like what you hear.

There's no way this could work.

My class load is so full.

We can help with that.
Take things off your plate.

No, I'm loath to do that.

CHARLES:
We'll work around your schedule.

An applied mathematician
of your skills

is in high demand these days.

-We need you.
-(chuckles)

I told you he'd be a tough sell.

Which makes us want you more.

Pending a security clearance,

Bell Labs is
at your beck and call.

I need to get home.

Let me walk with you.

-(bell tolls)
-Please think it over.

Take some time.
And call with any questions.

-I doubt I'll have any.
-Call anyhow.

I'll give you the pitch
all over again.

And thanks for your time.

See you Monday, Abe.

We're going out to dinner!

ROSE:
Abe?

Rose, Rose, get in here.

We are going out to dinner.

Ruby Foo's, Le Pavillon,
name it.

Abe, slow down.
Why are we going out to dinner?

Bell Labs, Rose.

I got an offer to work
at Bell Labs.

-What?
-Bell Labs down in the village!

Oh, my God, Abe!

-(laughing)
-Oh, oh.

You should have seen me
with that recruiter.

I played it so cool.

I kind of nodded like this,

was shaking my head
a little bit.

Very serious, very dubious.

-Oh, you can look
extremely dubious. -(laughs)

And he was eating
out of the palm of my hand.

This is the big leagues, Rose.

This... this is
the hotbed of invention.

That TV that you all
like so much,

-courtesy of Bell Labs
transistor work. -No.

-ETHAN: Grandpa,
I was watching that. -Oh.

Bardeen and Brattain and
Shockley won a Nobel for that.

And now I am in their ranks.

Where are we going for dinner?

What about a dinner?

We're going out.
The whole family.

Call Noah and Astrid.

He's got an offer
from Bell Labs.

-Wow, Papa, congratulations.
-(laughs)

Thank you very much.

You've been obsessing
on Bell Labs

-for, like, 20 years now.
-Mm-hmm.

I haven't been obsessing
on them.

My whole childhood, it was Bell
Labs this and Bell Labs that,

and, "My God,
I'd give up pastrami

for a job at Bell Labs."

(laughs)
I may have mentioned them.

A-And once a year, we'd tour
the building? The outside,

-because we weren't allowed in.
-You kids would play

on the sidewalk while your
father would jump up and down,

-and try and peek
in the windows. -Yes.

That may have happened
once or twice.

-(chuckles)
-Is that my blouse?

-Uh, yes, but it's not
quite right. -For what?

Okay, I-I'm talking about
very important things here,

and you're talking
about clothes.

I have to get dressed.
Congratulations, Papa.

How often do I get
a job at Bell Labs

and no one wants
to celebrate with me?

Oh, Abe, my love, we will find
the perfect night to celebrate.

With Noah and Astrid?

Uh, they will be there.

I mean, it's Bell Labs.

And we, we are all
so very proud of you.

Mama, where's your green dress?

At the cleaners.

(whispers):
Oh, shoot.

I'm never sure
about me and peach.

Hmm. I am.

Here.

The Dior?

Oh, that's perfect.

-So, you're going
to another party. -Hmm?

That's the fourth one
this week, isn't it?

Four this week, three last week.

Which, of course,
means they've already seen

everything in my closet.

Enter yours.

So, are these friends
of yours and Joel's?

No. New friends.

-Girls from work.
-Hmm.

What do you think?

Lovely, understated.

-Understated?
-Mm-hmm.

-Next. -You don't want
to be understated?

MIDGE:
I need to stand out.

ROSE:
Well, you always stand out.

I need to stand out
in a very specific way.

Well, you could wear nothing.

That would get
some sort of attention.

Don't I know it.

Now, tell me about--

not until my funeral.

So tell me, are there men
at these, uh, parties?

They aren't nun parties, Mama.

Well, you know, a girl
standing alone at a party

-says just one thing.
-What's that?

-I'm prey. Hunt me.
-Perfect.

-Miriam.
-No, seriously,

I was looking
for a catchphrase. That's it.

You should wait
to go to these parties.

It's too soon.

I'll add some gloves to this.

That should give it some zazz.

-Miriam...
-Thanks for the dress, Mama.

ROSE:
Oh...

What are you doing here?

What am I...?

Y-You invited me
to this stupid party.

No, I mean on the elevator.

You're not leaving, are you?

No, I've been riding this thing
up and down for an hour

waiting for you to float in here

on your golden fucking
Icarus horse.

You got a pretty loose concept
of time, lady.

Cabs were scarce.

Well, are you waiting
for an engraved invitation?

Get in here.

Got to know
the building pretty well.

Old guy on six has cancer.

Oh, that's terrible.

I inspired him to reach out
to his daughter.

They've been on the outs
since she divorced.

She's here now, cooking for him.

That's nice.

Oh, you hear that?

Couple on the fourth floor,
they've been fighting

for a full half hour.

He pinched some girl's ass,
she saw.

May have been
the cancer guy's daughter.

Oh, I hope she did nothing
to encourage that.

(elevator bell dings)

You look nice, by the way.

Thanks.

Clean shirt?

Uh, define "clean."

(indistinct chatter,
soft music playing)

Okay, this is the worst party
I've ever been to.

We just walked in the door.

Let's go get a hot dog
or something.

No, no, no, stay.

-Midge, hi.
-Hi, Mary.

This is my friend, Susie.
Susie, Mary.

Hi, Susie, come on in.
Meet the others.

Eh, I feel like I got it.

I'll see you inside, Mary.

Nice meeting you.

-What a drip.
-You're the drip.

Come on, get with
the program here.

Why would anyone in their
right mind go to parties?

I mean, just buy
some Sno Balls and a beer,

and take the subway at
rush hour, same fucking thing.

I-I'm sorry,
I just don't get it.

Midge, I think I'm in love.

-Not again. -Come see him,
tell me if I'm crazy.

He's my dad's boss.

He's 70.

And deaf and married,
but keep an open mind.

That's my cue.

Huh?

(applause)

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I get it. I get it.

Mary? I get it.

MIDGE:
Wow, your silver anniversary.

Your husband looks thrilled.

Maybe we do need a better
motivator for men

to get them to care
about the silver anniversary.

Because what man really cares
about silver?

Maybe 25 years is the Yankees
season tickets anniversary.

-(laughter)
-Yeah!

Yeah, and then
to get them to 50,

we need something really good.

Maybe it's the "another
woman's boobs" anniversary.

-(laughter)
-Mm-hmm.

Me, personally, I-I was never
great at gift-giving.

Maybe it's because I never
got to celebrate Christmas.

-I got Hanukkah.
-(soft laughter)

Doesn't exactly prepare you
the same way.

For Christmas,
a gentile would get a bike

as a reminder
that their parents love them.

For Hanukkah, we would get socks

as a reminder
that we were persecuted.

(laughter)

Hey. You look happy.

As a clam.

I ate all the clams, by the way.

See? Parties aren't so bad.

Hmm. I'm just trying to
figure out the best way

to hide a lobster under my hat.

-So, did you catch my set?
-Your what?

Just now. You hear all
the laughs I got?

Yeah, I heard the laughs.

Pretty funny, right?

You're a funny woman.

Could you pass the asparagus?

I did a version of the Hanukkah
run a couple weeks ago,

but I've honed it
a lot since then.

Yeah, that was some
top-notch honing, there.

RANDALL:
Darling? Darling, over here!

Uh, yes, dear?

RANDALL:
Come over here by the window.

You're gonna want to see this.

-MAN: Shh.
-What am I looking at?

Well, nothing, silly,
the curtains are closed.

I'm incorrigible.

Let's open the curtains here.

There, see?

It's the neighbors
across the way again.

The wife just got home.

She's taking off her coat,

and here comes her husband
to say hello,

-and-- oh!
-(gasps)

Did you see that?

-He fell hard.
-(laughter)

What the heck did he slip on?

Whatever it is,
he's picking it up.

It looks like a towel-- nope,
it's the cat.

-He slipped on the cat?
-MIDGE: And he is angry.

RANDALL:
The cat or the man?

MIDGE: Well, they're both
pretty verklempt.

Oh, you're Jewish.
I never knew that.

20 years of marriage
and we're still learning things

-about each other.
-I like that about us.

RANDALL:
He's struggling with the cat...

-The cat knocked his toupee off!
-MIDGE: The cat did him a favor.

RANDALL: And he's thrown
the cat out the window.

-MIDGE: Oh, my God!
-(laughter)

MAN (on TV):
And the car had to have

a fancy garage and a fancy
mansion to go with it.

WOMAN (on TV): But I didn't
expect you to get the money

-this month. -MAN: He wouldn't
care where I get it from!

(woman continues speaking
indistinctly on TV)

I told you to get it
and get out of that.

ROSE:
Poor Virginia.

Peter never listens to her,
now look at the mess he's in.

Men only hear men...
and bartenders.

She really thinks getting angry
will work?

Why don't these writers just
give her a boyfriend, or a gun?

-My God. So hostile today.
-I'm sorry.

I'm just a wreck right now.

-Everything's falling apart.
-Hold it.

MAN (on TV): What's the
best way to reduce?

-Commercial. -Eat plenty?
Or starve yourself?

A half-empty...

Okay.

Miriam stopped wearing
her wedding ring.

Oh, we're gonna need the ball.

And Joel moved in
with that girlfriend.

-DRINA: The secretary.
-ROSE: The home-wrecker.

Like Sasha from
Edge of Night,

always spreading it around.

She's a nothing.
I know it won't last.

If the secretary were just
out of the picture,

Joel would come back.

You want her out of the picture?

I have cousins.
They have skills.

-I'm sorry?
-Nothing.

I'm looking at the ball.

I see a new man
walking toward Miriam.

Oh, my God, no.

But he walked right past.
Yes, he's gone.

-Feel better?
-It doesn't matter.

There'll be another man
and another

and another;
she's on the prowl.

Every night she gets all dolled
up and goes to these parties.

Like she's given up on Joel
and is trolling for husbands.

She doesn't understand.

Being a divorcée
is terrible, yes,

but being on your
second marriage is...

-Worse.
-So much worse.

Second marriage says failure.

At least divorcée
sounds continental.

It'd be better if Joel had died,
then she'd be a widow.

At least there's dignity
in that.

You want Joel to die?

Again, with the cousins.

-I don't understand.
-Okay, I give up.

I see an open path for Miriam.

She will find her way.
I promise.

Tell you what,
I'll make a tonic.

Pour it in her soup,
it will help the luck stick.

-Thank you, DRINA.
-You still look worried.

-(sighs)
-I have the perfect thing.

A distraction.

♪ ♪

Shh, shh.

I think you'll love the color,
Mrs. Maracek. See you again.

And what color
would you recommend

for my unique complexion, Miss?

Pasty?
I'd recommend Spackle.

-And a putty knife.
-I'll pass.

-So what are you doing here?
-I have a proposition.

Oh, blessed day.

The ring department's
on the third floor.

Remember the four "C"s.

A business proposition.

But not here.

You have time later today?

I'm off in an hour.

-Can you meet me at
the Stage Deli? -Sure.

Great.

Point me to the
shoplifting department?

-Second floor, south side.
-Oh.

-Excellent service.
-Oh.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh. Hello there.

Midge, this is my karate
instructor, Lew Fogelman.

I'm Randall's agent.

He's with William Morris,
so look impressed.

I am impressed.

Midge Maisel.

I've heard good things.

-I like you already.
-(chuckles)

We're sitting now.

So... my boy told me he was
having a bite with you,

and I was in the neighborhood.

Hope you don't mind
my stopping by.

The Stage Deli is open to all.

He's headed toward great things,
this one.

-Just not in entertainment.
-Oh, will you shut up?

You're annoying us both.

I'm winningly self-deprecating.

It says so right there
on the new resumes

-you made me pony up for.
-Anyhow, he mentioned

that the two of you have been
teaming up lately,

which I find very interesting.

-Teaming up?
-Just at parties.

Just for fun. However,

have you ever thought about
doing it professionally?

-I-I don't understand.
-Sometimes a charming, funny guy

with a cute, dizzy broad
on his arm is a good sell.

-And I'm the dizzy broad?
-Fine.

I'll be the dizzy broad and
you be the charming, funny guy.

MIDGE:
Perfect.

So you want to do an act...
with me?

They're always looking
for duos like us

for commercials,
radio, industrials.

Company events--
you tell a few jokes,

you mention the product
a bunch of times,

you look pretty.

You can make decent money
at this.

-Seriously? -RANDALL: We'd be
a booker's dream.

Who knows, we may be the next
Nichols and May.

-You don't know Nichols and May?
-Should I?

The next time they're in town,
you're going.

-We're going.
-LEW: Speaking of going,

I'll leave the two of you
to talk more.

Food's on me; keep it under
a thousand bucks.

It's been a pleasure.

I'll send ten percent of
my matzo balls to you, Lew.

And I'll take it.

He's picking up our tab.

Excellent.

Next time, let's meet in
the shoe department at Saks.

VONNIE: I don't care what
your fucking title is.

-It's house manager.
-Your dirtbag friends come in

and sit in my section,
they got to order.

They don't got to order, they're
guests of the house manager.

Then sit them
in another section.

There's only one section,
your section.

I fucking quit, Susie.

I'm heartbroken.

(phone ringing)

-Gaslight.
-MIDGE: Hey, it's Midge.

I left a bunch of messages
for you with Jackie.

-Did he give them to you?
-Hang on.

Jackie, did you have messages
from Midge for me?

-Possibly. -Asshole.
-Asshole.

You can't just throw in a random
off-topic "asshole."

An asshole has to be motivated.

You breathe. It's motivated.

Hey, you guys have got to get
a divorce.

I mean it.

What was your message?

I was just calling
to touch base.

You left early the other night.

-Well, they ran out of butter.
-MIDGE: Butter. Okay.

Uh, well, we should
get together again.

-Soon, okay?
-SUSIE: Yeah, sure.

Hey, what was the deal
with you and that guy?

-What guy? You mean Randall?
-I guess.

We've been doing these bits
together at parties for a while.

-They're a big hit.
-What, does he think

-he's funny or something?
-He is funny.

-You're kidding. -No.
He's a professional comedian.

He was even thinking we could
get some work doing industrials.

-Industrials?
-Yeah.

What, you're gonna spin around
on a platform hawking Buicks?

What's wrong with that? Buicks
are very fine automobiles.

Miriam,
he just sold you some line

'cause he wants
to get in your pants.

He does not want
to get in my pants.

-He wants to fuck you.
-He wants me to work with him..

He says we'll be like
Nichols and May.

Nichols and May don't fuck.

Nichols and May totally fuck.

-That's not what he says.
-I walked in on them once

in the bathroom here-- even
their fucking was hilarious.

Now you're just being
coarse and crude.

Randall is totally legit.

I met his agent and everything.

You-you met his agent?

At the Stage Deli.

Uh, Lew something,
from William Morris.

Nice guy. Bought us lunch.

Susie, toilet's broken again.

You might want to send
the house manager to manage it.

You did that on purpose.

Look, I got to go.

Good luck with the Buicks.

I can't find my cuff links.

Did you check your cuffs, Papa?

These are my Gimbels' cuff
links, my everyday cuff links.

-I need my Finchley cuff links.
-Abe, you look fabulous

-without them. Oh...
-It's a Finchley night.

I'm gonna check the kids' room.

The kids do not have
your Finchley cuff links.

I had cuff links,
your kids moved in,

-I don't have cuff links.
-Mm.

Draw a conclusion.

Shalom! It's Astrid!

-Come on in, Astrid.
-Oh, hi! (giggles)

Hello, you.

-Mwah!
-Where's Noah?

Astrid, please
let me stop the car

-before you get out.
-I'm sorry.

-We discussed this.
-I couldn't help it.

I-I got presents
from our trip to Israel.

Where are Esther and Ethan?
Where are my little pishers?

Oh, they're already
at the babysitter's.

-Oh, no. -Don't worry,
she tends to bring them back.

-No cuff links. -Oh, you're
looking very handsome, Abe.

I might as well be naked.

That's an image
we're all happy to have.

Pop, I got my hands
on the Bell Labs schematics

from a friend--
lots of info, tons of specs.

Study. Now.

He walks right past his mother?

-Sorry, Ma. Good to see you.
Mwah. Mwah. -Mwah.

Midget, good to see you, too.

Eh. You I could take or leave.

Really, Astrid,
my arms are getting tired.

-Please put those down.
-It's just that your apartment's

so beautiful,
and I know you like everything

in a certain way,
so maybe Noah can just take them

back to the car
until the kids get home, or...

-Give this to me.
-Oh, thank you.

What's in the bag?

Gefilte fish.

-My next guess.
-I tried a new recipe.

You'll be very happy-- there are
no onions in this one, Rose.

"Happy" doesn't
quite describe it.

-I'll take it, ma'am.
-Thank you, Zelda.

-You know where to...
-Yes, I do.

(sighs):
Here. This is for you.

Honestly, Astrid,
you don't have to bring us gifts

every time you go to Israel.

-I... -What was this,
your sixth, seventh trip?

-11th. (giggles)
-MIDGE: Oh.

Can't get enough
of the Holy Land.

(Abe and Noah talking
in distance)

-What a beautiful mezuzah.
-(Astrid laughs)

I'd never seen one
that big before. (laughs)

It looks like it ate
all the other mezuzahs.

Is that bad?

-Oh. No.
-I could return it.

-To Israel? -Rose,
Bell Labs has two cafeterias.

Different cuisines in each one.

I can choose.
I get to choose.

I better start easing them out,

or they'll lose all interest
in dinner.

I brought you a gift, too.

Is it another giant mezuzah?

Oh, it is such a stupid gift.

-Astrid, no.
-No, Rose has a mezuzah.

You have a mezuzah.
It's not shoes--

you can't just change them out
every season.

No, but if we ever move
to a very big house...

Oh, I just wish Rose liked me.

She likes you very much.
She loves you, Astrid.

-I make her nervous.
-Breathing makes her nervous.

I thought that converting
would help.

I know that it's hard having
an outsider in your family.

You are not an outsider.

-Mm-mm. I heard comments at
our wedding. -No one commented.

"What's up with the shiksa
Noah married?"

-Aunt Gertie, once.
-I'm an outsider. I'm barren.

Astrid, you're young.

No, I'm not. I'm 30.

We're seeing the fertility
doctor again tomorrow.

He's one of the pioneers
in cervical cap inseminations.

Well, everyone looks good
in a cap.

I'm almost too afraid to go.

I mean, what if it
doesn't work this time?

What methods did you and Joel
use to get pregnant?

Well... sex.

Yeah, that seems to work
for most people.

Oh, honey...

Seven years of trying.
I mean,

(whispers):
what if he leaves me?

Noah is not going to leave you.

You did everything perfectly,
and that yutz left you.

Noah loves you.

And I know you think
he's pretty dreamy,

but I'm his sister,
so I can tell you the truth.

-Oh. -He's a big nerd
who lucked out and married up.

-(sighs): No.
-Seriously. You're saving him

-from a sad, lonely life
in a lab. -(laughs)

He's not going anywhere. Okay?

-ROSE: Miriam! Astrid!
We're leaving! -Okay.

Okay.

(indistinct chatter continues
in distance)

♪ ♪

ABE:
This is the eighth grade,

and Miss Bedetsky
is so overloaded

with math homework to grade,

I offered to help.

I was new to her class,

and she thought it was cute

that a 13-year-old
would offer to help.

The emphasis on education
in the Jewish faith

may be the thing
that I admire the most.

Anyway, she let me try.

And I graded them perfectly--

without even using the key.

She looked at me, astonished,
and then said,

"Abraham Weissman,
you are a natural born

-mathematician."
-Mm.

I was so proud.

(laughs)
Did you stay in touch with her?

-That moron? No.
-ROSE: Abe.

What? There were mistakes
she didn't find

in the papers
she graded that day.

So I corrected them
and immediately transferred

-out of her class.
-He couldn't just stop

at the nice part--
he just, he had to keep going.

She left the school after that,
on my recommendation.

I would like to propose a toast.
(clears throat)

-ASTRID: Mmm.
-I have never understood

what Abe Weissman was
talking about ever in my life.

One time I made the mistake
of asking about his day.

45 minutes later,
he was still talking,

but I had taken to my bed.

-(laughing)
-So for both of our sakes,

I'm very glad
that he's finally found

some people
who truly speak his language.

And apparently whatever he's
been saying is very impressive.

So please join me
in toasting my father,

-the great Abe Weissman.
-NOAH: Cheers.

L'chaim!

(Midge clears throat)

-What do we do?
-We should leave.

-We're not leaving.
-He's practically on top of us.

Wait, is that the secretary?

There are a thousand restaurants

in the city--
what are the odds?

One in sixteen thousand,
four hundred fifty...

Twelve thousand,
three hundred...

I'm taking into account
weather effects,

that some restaurants
are closed on Mondays...

Yeah, yeah, but I'm calculating
differentials in geography,

-quality... -We get it, guys,
the odds are low.

She doesn't even look Jewish.

-Is she Jewish or...?
-We should leave.

Papa, this is your celebration.

Don't let him ruin it.

I couldn't find
my Finchley cuff links.

It was an omen.
I should have heeded it.

Papa, your cuff links
were not an omen.

Her ankles are the same size
as her calves.

Okay, if we're gonna stay,
we should probably

figure out something else
to be talking...

We should go.

Put the egg rolls in your purse.

-My purse is silk.
-Fine.

Anyone with pockets,
grab a roll.

-I'll get us a cab.
-We should walk.

-I'm in heels.
-Fine, we're getting a cab.

-Noah, get us a cab.
-Okay.

(car horn honks)

ABE:
Taxi!

-NOAH: Taxi?
-ABE: Hey. Taxi!

-JOEL: Midge.
-Joel, please...

-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.

-I didn't know you'd be here.
-How could you?

-I didn't know you came here.
-We don't. We never have.

I've been steering clear of
Barney Greengrass and Zabar's.

I go all the way over
to the East Side

just to buy
a pack of cigarettes.

We're celebrating.
It's a special occasion.

My father got a job
at Bell Labs.

Bell Labs? Wow, that's terrific.
He finally got it.

It's a special occasion.
That-That's all.

I'll never come here again.

We'll never come here again.

I'm sorry. I just...

I didn't mean
to spoil the night.

You didn't. It's...

You should go back inside.

Tell your...

That's great...

about Bell Labs.

ASTRID:
And this is Rabbi Schneerson.

A very good man,
but that card's in every pack,

-so no one will trade you
for him. -(laughs)

ROSE:
Capers and mustard.

That's it for things
I recognize in here.

We should have taken
the champagne.

-It was already poured. -That's
why God invented funnels.

No, wait, I see cottage cheese.

-I like cottage cheese.
-(gasps) You got a Hirchensohn!

Chief rabbi of Hoboken!

(laughs) Have you ever seen
a Hirchensohn?

To be honest, I've never seen
rabbi trading cards.

Oh, one of the wonders
of Israel.

That and Shabbat on a kibbutz.

Okay, this might be soup
or gravy. I don't know.

It's a container of brown--
should we try it?

This is no longer
cottage cheese.

ASTRID: I can't believe
someone actually came in here

to steal the gefilte fish--
we could be eating that.

-ROSE: Astonishing.
-You sure it's not here?

-I looked.
-MIDGE: We looked.

Can I go to bed now?

-Oh...
-Of course, sweetie.

Here, I'll take you.
Oh, and I can sneak in

and steal a little kiss
for my baby Esther.

Oh, no, uh, the baby
just went to sleep, Astrid.

I promise you can kiss her
in the morning.

Good night, Ethan.
Sweet dreams.

(gasps)
Cookies. I found cookies.

Oh, ignore
what your brother says--

-you are officially
my favorite. Mmm. -Mmm.

It's not going to last.

-What's not?
-Joel and that woman.

I saw him check
his watch. Twice.

-Mama, don't...
-Trust me.

That girl is on her way out.

♪ You with the stars
in your eyes... ♪

Cookie for a smoke?

If the parents catch us,
this was your idea.

-♪ You used to be ♪
-Yeah, yeah.

-♪ Too wise ♪
-(horn honks in distance)

♪ Hey there... ♪

What a dinner, huh?

What? Did something
unusual happen?

I wasn't paying attention.

I still can't believe
you and Joel split.

Wasn't my plan, believe me.

It's so disappointing.
I really liked the guy.

God, and that girl he was with.

When I saw that, I thought,
"I should hit him."

And I would've.

But then I remembered once
we were joking around,

and I sort of
fake-punched his arm...

Broke my pinkie.

-What?
-He didn't look that big,

but his arm
was like a brick wall.

-Yeah, he had strong arms.
-It was humiliating.

The next day at work
I had to make up a story

-about being mugged in the park.
-You never told me any of this.

Well... it wasn't my most...

manly anecdote.

I sure hate
that he hurt you, boy.

Thanks.

Make sure the next guy
you get involved with

has very weak
upper body strength.

-Of course.
-I'd like to defend your honor.

-I'd appreciate that.
-But I have to be able

to hold a pen the next day.

Noah, listen,
you got to do me a favor, okay?

Anything.

Don't leave Astrid.

Oh, my God.
I'm not gonna leave Astrid.

-She thinks you are.
-I'm not.

I've told her
a million times I'm not.

-She's worried about h... -Kids.
I know, she's obsessed with it.

I don't care if we have kids.
I want a dog.

She's driving herself crazy.

She's driving me crazy.

I don't know
what to do with her.

When she gets something
in her head--

like the whole converting thing.

She had to sign up for the
accelerated conversion package.

Goy to Jew
in three weeks or less.

Classes, rituals,
and weird baths in basements,

and, oh, my God,
so much challah.

-I remember.
-All to impress Mama.

Who doesn't eat bread.

And if I have to go to Israel

-one more time...
-Just, please,

till death do you part.

I promise.

She's a lucky gal.

I should get back in.

I'm playing hooky.

-Hey, your old turntable.
-(short chuckle)

And some really dirty
comedy albums.

Don't tell Mama.

Vestiges of Joel?

Nope, they're mine.

You know...

I never did get
his thing for comedy.

One time we came to see him,
he didn't seem that funny.

-Hmm.
-You're the funny one.

You've always been
the funny one.

-Thanks.
-(baby starts crying)

Astrid kissed the baby.

It was inevitable.

The food was good.

I wonder if there really was
a General Tso.

You get out.

I, uh, have to go back
to the office for a while.

Oh.

Okay.

Don't wait up.

Who the hell are you?

Susie Myerson.
Nice to meet you.

The, uh, African masks
seem out of place.

-How did you get in here?
-Are you kidding me?

The entire William Morris Agency
goes to lunch from 1:00 to 2:00.

Agents, secretaries,
security, the janitor.

I could've done naked cartwheels
down the corridor

and no one
would have stopped me.

What is it with you people
and lunch?

-Don't any of you eat breakfast?
-Get out from behind my desk.

I-I'm sorry, you don't like
people behind your desk?

Tell you what.
I won't get behind your desk

if you won't get behind mine.

Okay, I'm calling security.

Oh, forget it, Lew.
I cut the lines.

You what?

Ah, I didn't cut the lines.
Just wanted to sound like

I was in a Bogart picture for
a second. It was kind of cool.

Who the fuck are you?

You handle a guy,
Randall something.

I don't know the last name.
He's a client of yours, right?

Introduced you to a woman
named Midge Maisel?

Yeah, so?

So? Midge Maisel's
a client of mine.

-You're her rep?
-Yup.

And she doesn't need
a William Morris agent

in her life right now. She's got
everything she needs with me.

And who are you,
to be telling me this?

Lew, we both know what a place
like this does with someone

like Midge--
a girl comic, good-looking,

just starting out, can't sing.

You meet 'em at the deli,
like you did, all casual-like.

And then you schedule a fancy
lunch-- there's always lunch--

talk to 'em about
their hopes and their dreams,

you promise them everything,
you deliver nothing,

and then you dump 'em
if lightning doesn't strike

within the first five minutes.

She does not need you.

She does not need Randall.
She needs me.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

What kind of contract
you got with her?

Same kind of contract
you got with your nuts--

there's two of us
and we're attached.

And if you ever
go near Midge again,

I will make it
my life's mission to take you

and this entire building down.

Oh, and... here's my card.

In case you need it someday.

♪ ♪

(knocking)

(turns off radio)

Babka.

-Bourbon.
-Oh, I like that combination.

Come in.

It's excellent toasted
with a little butter,

-if you're so inclined.
-(sniffs) Mm.

Sit down.

I like what you've done
with the place.

-Do you?
-Yes. It looks...

What shall we toast to?

Not yet.
I want to talk first.

Oh. Okay. Sounds serious.

-You got a phone.
-I did.

You said you
didn't get the phone.

-Yeah, well,
I'm a cockeyed optimist. -Hmm.

So, how you doing?

I'm fine.

Good. Good.
So you're not insane?

-I don't think so.
-'Cause you seem insane.

What are you talking about?

This party circuit thing
you've got going on,

I don't know
what you really think it is,

but it's not stand-up.

It's not a gig, it's a party.

Yeah? You are not getting paid,
you are not getting booked,

and those people
are not a real audience--

they are politely nodding at you
while they drink free booze,

and then they talk
about the crazy lady

who wouldn't shut up
the whole night.

I know they're not real gigs.

Do you? 'Cause it
doesn't seem like it.

-And second of all...
-There was no first of all.

...you do not need a goddamn man
at your side to do this.

What the hell are you thinking?

You really want to be some
second-rate Nichols and May?

'Cause there's already
a first-rate Nichols and May.

It's fuckin' Nichols and May.

Now, you could be an original,
but you are fucking it all up

with this cockamamie alternate
universe party bullshit.

You want to do this?!

-Yes.
-Do you?

-Yes!
-Well, I can't tell anymore.

You want me to get rid of
the phone, 'cause I can get rid

-of the phone.
-Do not get rid of the phone.

I don't need
to have a goddamn phone.

I don't have anybody
I have to call.

I got that phone for you,

for this partnership
that I thought we were starting.

-We are.
-Does your new agent know that?

He's... not my...

You do not meet
with any agents

without me knowing
about it, ever.

I did not know he was
gonna be there. I swear.

Bullshit! You're not an idiot!

Just drop this doe-eyed
Bambi thing right now.

Okay, I'm so sick of you
acting all innocent: "Oh,

"I don't know how the world
works 'cause I'm a housewife,

and I wear four layers
of petticoats."

It is tired and it is weak,

and you are not tired
and you are not fucking weak.

And if you want to be a comic,

you are gonna have
to grow the fuck up right now!

(whimpers)

(sniffles)

(sobbing)

(sniffles)
I'm sorry. I...

I don't know what to do lately.

I'm... I'm trying to be strong
and independent,

but I saw Joel the other night,
and he was with her,

and every time I think
I can breathe again, I can't.

And I'm-I'm trying
to get it right.

I'm trying to figure it out.

I know the parties aren't gigs.

I know I'm not
really doing stand-up.

I don't want to be
a second-rate Nichols and May.

I'd never even heard
of Nichols and May.

And I've got news for you.

If you're gonna be
a personal manager,

then sometimes you're gonna have
to deal with the personal.

And this...

is personal.

All of this.

And it's not
just deals and lectures.

Sometimes you're gonna have
to buy some Kleenex

and let me cry
and pat me on the back

-and say, "There, there."
-Okay, that's not really my...

You're gonna have
to listen to me talk

about my husband,
and my kids.

Both of 'em?

Yes. Both of them.

And you are gonna have
to stop backing away from me

when I feel like my life
is falling apart.

You are gonna have to tell me
I'm good when I'm not.

-You want me to lie?
-Yes!

That is what managers do!

Do you understand?

(Midge exhales)

(Midge crying quietly)

(sobs)

There, there.

Better?

(sniffles)
Yes.

Better.

Good.

Tomorrow...

we're gonna sign
some fuckin' paperwork.

The last few signatures.
I promise.

Responsibility is often

-accompanied by
excessive paperwork. -And how.

Especially when
the government's involved.

If you'd asked me a week ago,
I would not have put money

on us sitting here today.

Well, I had to shuffle
quite a few things around,

make some tough compromises,
and you seemed so desperate.

We are thrilled, believe me.

All your background checks
are completed.

You sailed through

-faster than most.
-Very good.

Now, there's just
the final government clearance.

It's somewhat more intensive,
but it should go smoothly, too.

The only possible bump I see

would be
your daughter's arrests.

Her arrests?

We know, a couple of
misdemeanors, she pled guilty.

It shouldn't be
too big a problem.

Right. Yes.

Young people go through
these phases, right?

Yes, young people go
through phases.

Things I did in college,
it's amazing my parents

still talk to me.

(chuckles)

We'll ease you in
the first couple of days.

One of us will take you
on a tour of the facility,

get you oriented.

Might be me,
might be my colleague, Sven.

Sven is a great fellow.

MIDGE: I was cornered by
Mrs. Klaviter today. -ROSE: Mm.

Ever since she kicked Junie Paul
in the shins,

-I run when I see her. -She
starts telling me this story

-about her mother's health.
-Mm.

And right as she says
she's only got a month to live,

the baby starts laughing.

I tell you, it was
the world's longest pause.

But then,
Mrs. Klaviter laughed, too.

Turns out, she hates her mother
and thinks Esther's a delight.

(Rose laughs)

(chuckles)

What?

ROSE: What ever happened
to Junie Paul?

I wonder if she ever married.

I would think.

ROSE: She just needed to
keep her hair long enough

-to cover those ears.
-They were enormous,

but she could hear
someone whispering

from across a football field.
I'm kidding.

MIDGE (on tape):
I was fun.

I planned theme nights,

I dressed in costumes,

I gave him kids,
a boy and a girl! And yes,

our little girl is looking more
and more like Winston Churchill

-every day, with the big...
-(men laughing)

Yalta-head? But that's not
a reason to leave, right?

Really? Really? After what
I just said about the bathroom?

OZ: It's like she's having
a breakdown.

-VIRGIL: But it's hysterical.
-OZ: It's amazing.

MIDGE (on tape):
Walk of shame!

VIRGIL:
It's total improv.

OZ:
Nah, this had to be written.

MIDGE (on tape):
And I showed him I loved him.

All that shit they say
about Jewish girls...

OZ: Well, whatever it is,
it's genius.

-VIRGIL: Pure genius. -OZ: And
you don't know who she is?

VIRGIL: All we know is she's
married to some guy named Joel,

and she lives uptown.

OZ: Let's dub a hundred
and see where it goes.

(audience laughing on tape)

MIDGE (on tape): I can't believe
this is happening.

I can't believe I'm losing him
to Penny Pann.

That's her name.
Terrible right?

-(Oz and Virgil laughing)
-MIDGE: Penny Pann!

Penny Pann.

-Penny Pann!
-(audience laughs and cheers)

("Our Lips Are Sealed"
by the Go-Go's plays)

♪ Can you hear them? ♪

♪ They talk about us ♪

♪ Telling lies ♪

♪ Well, that's no surprise ♪

♪ Can you see them? ♪

♪ See right through them ♪

♪ They have no shield,
no secrets to reveal ♪

♪ It doesn't matter
what they say ♪

♪ In the jealous games
people play ♪

♪ Our lips are sealed ♪

♪ Hush, my darling ♪

♪ Don't you cry ♪

♪ Quiet, angel ♪

♪ Forget their lies ♪

♪ Can you hear them? ♪

♪ They talk about us ♪

♪ Telling lies ♪

♪ Well, that's no surprise ♪

♪ Can you see them? ♪

♪ See right through them ♪

♪ They have no shield,
no secrets to reveal ♪

♪ Doesn't matter what they say ♪

♪ In the jealous games
people play ♪

♪ Our lips are sealed ♪

♪ Pay no mind to what they say ♪

♪ It doesn't matter anyway ♪

♪ Our lips are sealed ♪

♪ Our lips
are sealed ♪

♪ Our lips are sealed. ♪

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII