The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 26 - There's Always Room for One Less - full transcript
Chatsworth Osborne. Jr. is asked to remove himself from his place of residence (that request came from his mother) and finds himself rooming at the Gillis home, where his champagne tastes ...
- THROW THE BUM OUT!
- MUST I, MADAM?
- YOU MUST!
- OH, GOODY!
- MUMSY, THIS IS
CRUEL AND HEARTLESS!
- YES, ISN'T IT?
- BUT, MUMSY, WHY ARE YOU
OUSTING ME SO BARBAROUSLY
FROM MY ROOM AND
BOARD? WHY? WHY? WHY?
HAVEN'T I BEEN LOVABLE
AS A KITTEN, NICE AS PIE,
SWEET AS SUGAR?
- YOU RANG?
- CALL THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE!
THE KENNEL DOORS
HAVE BEEN LEFT OPEN!
- NO, MRS. O. I AIN'T NO DOG!
I'M DELIVERING YOUR GROCERIES.
I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS,
I'M LIKE A HUMAN PERSON.
- YES, IN A WAY.
KREBS, WE ARE IN THE MIDST
OF A HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FAMILY ARGUMENT.
NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE US?
- OKAY, YOU'RE EXCUSED.
BUT NO WHISPERING
AND NO MUMBLING
'CAUSE I DON'T
WANNA MISS NOTHING!
- CHATSWORTH.
CHATSWORTH, THE LAST WEEK
YOU MADE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR A HUNTING TRIP IN
WHICH YOU RENTED THE STATES
OF MAINE, NEW
HAMPSHIRE AND VERMONT.
- I GOT THE OFF-SEASON
RATE, MUMSY.
- YOU ALSO RAN YOUR 40-FOOT
BLUE SPEEDBOAT IN THE HARBOR
IN SUCH A MANNER YOU RAMMED
AND SANK A BRAZILIAN DESTROYER
AND TWO AUSTRALIAN
FISHING TRAWLERS.
- BUT IT WAS THEIR FAULT, MUMSY!
THEY WERE MANEUVERING
THEIR BOATS DANGEROUSLY.
- IN DRY DOCK?
- I'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY OSBORNE.
- WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN IS A NASTY
OSBORNE! ALL OSBORNES ARE NASTY,
BUT YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT AT IT.
SO BE GONE FROM THESE PREMISES
UNTIL YOU CAN MEND
YOUR DISGUSTING WAYS
AND BECOME A RESPONSIBLE
GROWN-UP HUMAN BEING!
- THEN IT'S GOODBYE FOREVER!
- WITH ANY LUCK, YES.
YOU WILL BE OFF THESE
GROUNDS IN FIVE MINUTES
OR I WILL SET THE DOGS ON YOU.
OH, THEY WOULD LOVE IT!
COME ON, TREMBLAY.
I WANT TO RE-READ
THAT PORTION OF THE WILL
WHEREIN I CUT HIM
OFF WITHOUT A NICKEL.
I THINK I'LL CHANGE THAT
TO WITHOUT A PENNY.
- MUMSY! OH, MICE AND RATS!
WHAT SHALL I DO?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
AND WHERE SHALL I GO?
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?
- CHATSWORTH, WILL YOU
PLEASE ACCEPT AN INVITATION
TO LIVE IN OUR HOME, HUMBLE
AND UNPRETENTIOUS AS IT IS?
EVERYTHING I HAVE IS YOURS.
TAKE IT AND MAKE ME THE
HAPPIEST GROCER IN TOWN.
[JAZZ THEME]
- TAKE ME! I'VE
HEARD EVERYTHING!
I MEAN, IT LOOKED LIKE DAD
AND IT SOUNDED LIKE DAD.
IT WAS SCARY.
BUT MOM CAME UP WITH THE
ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS, YOU
HAVE FLIPPED YOUR WIG!
- LISTEN, WINNIE, ON
ACCOUNT OF CHATSWORTH,
WE ARE GOING TO BE RICH.
I GOT A PLAN ALL FIGURED OUT.
- IS IT LEGAL?
- ABSOLUTELY LEGAL,
BUT LET'S TRY IT ANYWAY.
NO, NO! I MEAN, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
AFTER TWO OR THREE DAYS,
CHATSWORTH'S MOTHER'S GONNA
BE SORRY FOR WHAT SHE DONE
AND SHE'S GONNA WANT
HER BRAT BACK HOME.
- TRUE, TRUE.
- OKAY, AND WHEN SHE GETS HIM
BACK THERE, SHE IS GOING TO SAY,
"CHATSWORTH, WHEN YOU WERE
OUT IN THE COLD, CRUEL WORLD,
WHO WAS IT WHO TOOK YOU IN AND
TREATED YOU LIKE THEIR OWN SON?"
- US?
- US.
AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT,
WHEN YOU DO A FAVOR
FOR THEM BIG MILLIONAIRES,
THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU A REWARD.
- REWARD? REWARD?
SHE'LL GIVE US A REWARD?
- WELL, MAYBE NOT
EXACTLY A REWARD,
BUT SHE WILL THROW ALL HER
GROCERY BUSINESS OUR WAY
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT COULD MEAN.
- A BANK FULL OF LOOT.
- EVERY TIME SHE GIVES A PARTY,
SHE CLEANS OUT AN
ENTIRE GROCERY STORE.
- YEAH, NONE OF THAT
CHEAP STUFF EITHER.
NOTHING BUT THOSE
DELOOX GOURMET-TYPE ITEMS
LIKE PICKLED TRIPE AND
STUFF LIKE THAT THERE.
- WE'LL BE RICH!
- HERBERT, I'M WORRIED.
IT SEEMS SO COLD-BLOODED
AND CALCULATED AND SNEAKY,
AND WHEN DO WE START?
- OH, THAT'S MY WINNIE
POO THAT SAID THAT.
- AFTER ALL, MOM, HE HAS
TO STAY WITH SOMEBODY.
- CERTAINLY! AND IF CHATSWORTH
MOVES INTO MY HOME,
I'M ENTITLED TO BE
PAID FOR IT, AND GOOD.
- OH, YOU ARE ALL HEART, GIRL.
- EXCEPT FOR THE PART OF
ME THAT'S CASH REGISTER.
- TALLY-HO, ONE
AND ALL. J' ARRIVE.
- OH, HI, CASH REGIS... I
MEAN, CHATSY, MY BOY!
- CHATSWORTH, DEAR, IS THERE
ANYTHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU?
- SOMETHING TO EAT?
- SOMETHING TO DRINK?
- PRESS YOUR SUIT?
- DARN YOUR SOCKS?
- RUN YOUR ERRANDS?
- POLISH YOUR SNEAKERS?
- PLEASE, PLEASE, FRIENDS!
ALL THIS BOWING AND
SCRAPING IS UNCALLED FOR.
WHILE I AM IN YOUR HOME,
I ABSOLUTELY INSIST THAT YOU
DO NOT GO TO ANY SPECIAL PAINS
TO MAKE ME COMFORTABLE.
IS THAT CLEAR?
- WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
- GOOD! THAT'S THE WAY I
LIKE IT, DEMOCRACY IN ACTION.
NOBODY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF
THEIR SUPERIOR STATION IN LIFE
TO PUSH OTHERS AROUND.
KREBS, WHY ARE
YOU STANDING THERE?
UNPACK MY SUITCASE!
DOBIE-DOO, SEVERAL PIECES OF
MY LUGGAGE ARE STILL DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU WILL FETCH
THEM UP, WON'T YOU?
- OH, YES, SIR, YES, SIR.
- AND MR. GILLIS,
BABY, HE'LL NEED HELP.
BE OFF! BE OFF!
- OH, YES!
- MRS. GILLIS, I DO HAVE A
SUIT THAT NEEDS PRESSING.
YOU WILL SEE TO IT IMMEDIATELY!
WELL, NOW.
- SO CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR. MOVED IN TO MY ROOM,
BAG, BAGGAGE AND
MISERABLE PERSONALITY.
OUR STRATEGY WAS
SIMPLE, BUT BRILLIANT.
THE HAPPIER HE WAS WITH US,
THE MORE MONEY WE'D GET FROM
HIS MOTHER AFTER HE WENT HOME.
SIMPLE? YES, BRILLIANT?
YES, EXPENSIVE?
OH, BOY. AND DAD
PAID AND PAID AND PAID
BECAUSE WHATEVER CHATSWORTH
WANTED, CHATSWORTH GOT.
- OF COURSE, DOBIE-DOO!
LIVING IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO
ONE'S POLO PONY IS NOT A LUXURY!
IT IS AN ABSOLUTE NECESSITY.
EASY THERE, NATHAN BOY, EASY.
WITHIN A FORTNIGHT, WE
SHALL BE IN THE ARGENTINE
BEATING THOSE GAUCHOS
AT THEIR OWN GAME.
- THESE YOU CALL NECESSITIES?
- CERTAINLY!
THEY ARE THE BARE MINIMUM
ONE MUST HAVE TO SUSTAIN LIFE,
THE COMFORT AND SOLACE OF MUSIC.
LOVELY TONE, HASN'T IT?
- HMM.
OF COURSE, IT MIGHT
NEED A LITTLE TUNING.
- IT NEEDS A LOT OF TUNING.
- BLESS YOUR FATHER.
THE DEAR MAN INSISTED
THAT I ORDER WHATEVER I NEED
TO MAKE ME COMFORTABLE.
INSISTED? WHAT HE DID WAS PLEAD!
- WHAT HE DID WAS BEG.
- YES, IT WAS RATHER
PATHETIC, WASN'T IT?
- YEAH.
- BEHOLD! HE STEAM CABINET!
ANOTHER ABSOLUTE NECESSITY
GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU FIT,
TRIM, VIGOROUS AND
LOOKING YOUR BEST.
- YOU RANG?
- MAYNARD?
- WELL, MAYNIE-DOO, HOW
IS IT? HOT ENOUGH YET?
- YEAH, BUT I THINK
SIX HOURS IS TOO LONG.
- SIX HOURS?
- OR IS IT SIX DAYS?
I FORGET WHICH.
- SILLY KID.
CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE
HAPPY HERE, AREN'T YOU?
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GO HOME,
YOU'LL TELL YOUR
MOTHER NICE THINGS
ABOUT HOW YOU WERE
TREATED, WON'T YOU?
- WELL...
- PLEASE TELL YOUR
MOTHER. PLEASE TELL HER.
- DAD?
- MR. GILLIS!
- HEY, CHATSY!
A DELIVERY TRUCK
JUST BROUGHT THIS
AND THEY'RE WAITING
DOWNSTAIRS FOR $18, OR IS IT $81?
I FORGET. THEY
BOTH SOUND SO ALIKE.
- IT'S $18, YOU NINNY!
AND, MR. GILLIS, YOU
WILL ADVANCE THE MONEY.
I HAPPEN TO BE
TEMPORARILY OUT OF CASH.
- CERTAINLY! HERE, TAKE $20.
NOTHING IS TOO GOOD
FOR A GUEST IN MY HOUSE,
ESPECIALLY WHEN
THE GUEST IS YOU.
- THANKS, NOW WILL YOU
PLEASE TAKE THIS DOWNSTAIRS
AND PAY THE DELIVERY MAN?
AND DON'T BOTHER TO
BRING BACK THE $2 CHANGE.
YOU AND KREBS MAY
SPLIT IT WITH THE DRIVER.
- OH, THANK YOU, SIR, THANK YOU.
- OH, THANK YOU, SIR, THANK YOU!
- MAYNARD!
- OH, GOODY, GOODY, GUMDROPS!
MY PRINTING PRESS
SENT TO ME FROM HOME!
- CHATSWORTH, WHAT DO
YOU PRINT WITH THIS MACHINE?
- WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, WHENEVER
I HAVE A LITTLE SOCIAL GATHERING,
I PRINT UP THESE LITTLE GEMS.
- OH, INVITATIONS?
- ICE BREAKERS.
WHEN A YOUNG LADY
ATTRACTS YOUR FANCY,
YOU SIMPLY HAND HER ONE OF
THESE AND SHE INSTANTLY MELTS.
- OH, HI, THERE, HONEYSUCKLE!
WANNA BE MY CLINGING VINE?
- CLEVER, YES?
- CLEVER, NO.
- WELL, THAT AND MY BANKBOOK
GET THE GIRL EVERY TIME.
- OH, YES.
- NOW TO FINALIZE PLANS
FOR NEXT MONTH'S MAD
WHIRL OF FESTIVITIES.
OH, FIRST I MUST CALL
THE CATERER TO SEE
IF HE CAN HANDLE REFRESHMENTS
FOR 30 PARTIES IN A 30-DAY MONTH
WITH A FULL DANCE BAND, VOCAL
TRIO, CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR
AND CHAUFFEURED LIMOUSINES
TO TRANSPORT THE GUESTS.
- WHICH YOU'LL
CHARGE TO MY FATHER?
- NATURALLY, HE WOULDN'T
HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.
OF COURSE, I COULD
CUT DOWN THE AMOUNT
OF YOUR FATHER'S
MONEY I'M SPENDING.
- GOOD, GOOD!
- BUT THAT WOULD MAKE MY
VISIT HERE MOST UNHAPPY!
- BAD, BAD!
- HOWEVER, I COULD
LEARN TO ADJUST.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- BUT I WON'T.
- BAD, BAD.
- OH, 'TIS A PUZZLEMENT!
MY COMPASSION FOR
GILLIS THE ELDER SUGGESTS
THAT I TEMPER MY FLAIR
FOR THE MAGNIFICENT
AND DIMINISH THE NUMBER
OF PARTIES PER MONTH.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- BAH!
- BAD, BAD.
- THEN I'LL BE MISERABLE AND
MUMSY'S SURE TO HEAR OF IT.
OH, DOBIE-DOO, WHAT
DO YOU SUGGEST?
- CHATSWORTH, INDULGE YOUR
FLAIR FOR THE MAGNIFICENT.
MAKE IT 50 PARTIES
IN A 50-DAY MONTH!
HERBERT T. GILLIS RIDES TONIGHT.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE BILLS
CHATSWORTH HAS RUN
UP AT DAD'S EXPENSE,
THE ONES THAT CAME
IN TODAY, THAT IS.
THEY ADD UP TO A FORTUNE.
AND I WONDER WHAT DAD'LL SAY
WHEN THE RETURNS FROM THE
OUTLYING PRECINCTS COME IN.
- [GROANS] I'LL TEAR HIM
APART WITH MY BARE HANDS.
- OH, HERBERT, DEAR,
WHAT'S THE MATTER NOW?
- A GOLF BALL BILL FOR $47,
THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER!
- BUT, DEAR, LOTS OF PEOPLE
SPEND THAT MUCH MONEY
FOR GOLF BALLS.
- FOR ONE GOLF BALL?
- TRY NOT TO BE SO UPSET.
- UPSET? WHO'S UPSET, WINNIE?
I AM JUST AS CALM AND...
WINNIE, WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
IF THAT CHATSWORTH
DON'T GET OUTTA HERE,
WE'LL BE 10 MILES
PAST BANKRUPTCY!
WE'LL BE BROKE! WE'LL
BE OUT OF BUSINESS!
- BUT, DEAR, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GET IT BACK IN
TIME, WITH INTEREST.
CHATSWORTH IS AN
INVESTMENT, REMEMBER.
- OH, YEAH, CHATSY.
DON'T LOOK A GIFT
HORSE IN THE MOUTH, HUH?
- SAY AH! AH! THAT'S
A GOOD BOY! AH!
- HOW DO YOU EXPECT
HIM TO SAY "AH?"
YOU GOTTA HAVE ONE OF THOSE
STICKS AND HOLD HIS TONGUE DOWN.
- OH, MR. GILLIS.
I BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY HORSE
AND I'VE DECIDED IT ISN'T FAIR
TO KEEP HIM HERE LIKE THIS.
- OH, GOOD, GOOD.
- I MEAN, HE'S ALONE ALL DAY
WITH NO ONE TO KEEP HIM COMPANY.
I FEAR FOR HIS HEALTH
AND MENTAL WELL-BEING.
- OH, SO YOU'RE GONNA MOVE
HIM OUT TO PASTURE, HUH?
GOOD, GOOD.
- MOVE HIM OUT TO
PASTURE? PERISH FORBID!
HE JUST NEEDS COMPANY.
I'M BRINGING THE REST
OF MY POLO PONIES IN!
- AT A TIME LIKE THAT,
WITH MONEY GOING DOWN
THE DRAIN LIKE BATHWATER,
ANY NORMAL MAN WOULD
THROW IN THE TOWEL AND QUIT.
BUT NOT MY DAD, NO, SIR.
HE'S NOT NORMAL.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT NORMAL
WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY.
- WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY, I
AM A GRIM, DETERMINED BULLDOG.
- WELL, YOU SHOULD
STOP GROWLING, BULLDOG,
BECAUSE SO FAR YOU SEEM TO
BE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.
YOU SPENT $2,500 ON
CHATSWORTH ALREADY
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
AS IF YOU'LL NEVER GET IT BACK.
- $2,613.28 TO BE EXACT,
BUT THEN WHO IS COUNTING?
AND I INTEND TO GET IT BACK
WITH A BIG BONUS FOR GENEROSITY
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY
IF NOT SOONER.
- AH, GOOD MORNING,
MRS. GILLIS, MR. GILLIS.
- WATCH THIS. CHATSWORTH?
THE GILLIS UNDERHANDED APPROACH.
CHATSY?
- MR. GILLIS? HAS THAT TENNIS
RACKET I ORDERED ARRIVED YET?
- TENNIS RACKET? THERE
MUST BE A GROSS OF 'EM!
IT TOOK FOUR STRONG MEN TO
GET THIS THING OFF THE TRUCK!
- YES, IT IS A RATHER ODD
QUIRK I HAVE DEVELOPED.
I ALWAYS DISCARD MY
RACKET AFTER EACH SERVE.
YOU PAID FOR THESE, OF COURSE?
- OF COURSE.
- GOOD.
- BAD.
- BAD?
- BAD. I'M GONNA MISS DOING
ALL THESE LITTLE THINGS
FOR YOU SUCH AS SHELLING OUT
FOR YOUR CUTE LITTLE QUIRKS.
BUT IT'S ALL OVER. YOU'RE
GONNA BE GOING HOME SOON.
- HOME? TO MUMSY?
- YES, IT'S GONNA
BE VERY LONESOME
AROUND HERE WITHOUT
YOU, BUT WE'LL JUST...
LOOK! LOOK! THERE IT GOES AGAIN!
- WHAT? WHERE? WHAT?
- OH, YOU MISSED IT,
DEAR BOY. YOU MISSED IT.
- WHY? WHAT? WHAT?
- YOUR MOTHER'S LIMOUSINE,
THE BIG BLACK ONE
WITH THE SIX WHEELS.
SHE'S BEEN DRIVING
UP AND DOWN ALL DAY
JUST TRYING TO
GET A LOOK AT YOU.
WHY, I'LL BET YOU COULD
HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANTED
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IF
YOU WERE TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT, WINNIE?
- RIGHT, ANYTHING IN THE
WORLD OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
- MR. GILLIS, ARE YOU
POSITIVE IT WAS MUMSY'S CAR?
- WHO ELSE HAS A 1983 LIMOUSINE?
- MUMSY!
- OH, I CAN JUST SEE ALL
THE WONDERFUL SURPRISES
SHE HAS LINED UP FOR
YOU TO WELCOME YOU HOME,
A NEW LITTLE RED SPORTS CAR.
- A NEW BIG BLUE SPEEDBOAT.
- AND A MEDIUM-SIZED
GOLF COURSE.
- AND AN INVITATION TO
LUNCH AT PETER LAWFORD'S.
- YES! YES!
SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I
MUST RUN AND ERRAND OF MERCY.
Both: YOU MEAN...?
- YES! I'M GOING HOME AT ONCE
TO SPARE MY BELOVED MUMSY
FROM ANY FURTHER HEARTBREAK!
- HERBERT, YOU'RE A GENIUS!
- OH, I'LL BUY THAT.
- I'LL BUY THE ENTIRE
GILLIS GROCERY STORE,
INCLUDING ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT,
TO GET MY LITTLE BOY BACK!
- YOU MUST GET HIM OUT
OF YOUR MIND, MADAM.
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE
OF THESE PICKLED PIGS FEET.
- OOH!
- OH, DEAR, HERE I GO
REMINDING YOU OF HIM AGAIN!
- THESE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE
BEEN SHEER TORTURE, TREMBLAY!
EVERYWHERE I LOOK, I SEE
THE FACE OF MY CHATSWORTH.
- YES, MADAM, THAT
WOULD BE TORTURE.
- DON'T BE UPPITY, TREMBLAY!
CHATSWORTH MAY BE A
WORTHLESS, WHINING, SNIVELING,
WHIMPERING NINCOMPOOP,
BUT HE IS MY WORTHLESS,
WHINING, WHIMPERING NINCOMPOOP.
- YOU LEFT OUT SNIVELING, MADAM.
- OH, YOU ARE RIGHT! I MUST
GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND!
I WILL CONCENTRATE
ON FORGETTING HIM.
TREMBLAY, LEAVE
ME TO SUFFER ALONE.
- YES, MADAM, OF COURSE.
- I MUST GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND, I
MUST NOT THINK OF CHATSWORTH.
HE IS NOT HERE,
HE IS MERELY A FIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION.
IF HE APPEARS AGAIN,
I SHALL BELT HIM.
- MUMSY!
[SCREAMS]
- MUMSY, IT IS I.
YOUR BELOVED CHATSY
BOY HAS RETURNED.
- TRY TO BUG ME, WILL YOU?
YOU SNIVELING FIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION!
- MUMSY?
- OH!
- I'M FOR REAL!
- IF I EVER SAW ANYONE WHO
WAS NOT FOR REAL, IT IS YOU!
- I'LL PROVE I'M REAL!
- D'AHH!
- MUMSY, IF YOU DO NOT
INSTANTLY GIVE ME $1,000
AND A WATERCRESS SANDWICH,
I SHALL HOLD MY BREATH
UNTIL I TURN PURPLE!
- CHATSY!
ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH,
BREAK CLEAN.
WHAT A VULGAR DISPLAY.
COME, BOY, SIT ON MY LAP
AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW
MUCH I'VE MISSED YOU.
- OH, MUMSY, I KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU MISSED ME.
- YOU DO?
- OF COURSE.
I WAS SURE YOU'D GO ALL
TO PIECES THE MOMENT I LEFT.
- DO TELL?
- OH, YOU PUT ON A BIG SHOW
BLUSTERING AND SNORTING AROUND,
MUMSY, DEAR.
BUT UNDERNEATH IT ALL, I
KNEW THAT, WITHOUT ME,
YOU ARE A POOR LOST SOUL.
- CORRECTION, CHATSWORTH.
I'M ANYTHING BUT
A POOR LOST SOUL.
IF THERE IS A POOR
LOST SOUL, IT IS YOU.
- I? A POOR LOST SOUL?
HARDLY.
IT IS YOU WHO ARE
THE POOR LOST SOUL.
- I DON'T WANT TO
ARGUE WITH YOU, DEAR.
BUT I AM NOT A POOR LOST SOUL.
IT IS YOU AND LET'S
GET THAT STRAIGHT.
- MUMSY, I DON'T LIKE
TO ARGUE WITH YOU,
BUT YOU ARE THE POOR...
- CHATSWORTH!
I AM YOUR MOTHER
WHO LOVES YOU DEARLY.
BUT! BE OFF THESE
GROUNDS IN THREE MINUTES
OR I'LL SET THE
DOGS ON YOU! OUT!
- ME? OUT?
- YOU! OUT!
- OUT?
- OUT! AND I MEAN WAY OUT!
- IN, AND I MEAN WAY IN, AND
THAT'S WHERE I'M GONNA BE
JUST AS SOON AS I GET OUT
THERE TO OSBORNE MANOR
AND TELL MRS. MONEYBAGS
ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL,
GENEROUS THINGS
I BEEN DOING FOR HER KID.
- JUST BE CAREFUL
NOT TO OVERDO IT, DEAR,
WHEN YOU TALK TO HER.
- ME? OVERDO IT?
SUBTLE, SHY, MODEST
LITTLE OLD NON-OVERDO IT ME?
- OR WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
- OH, COME ON NOW,
WINNIE. CALM DOWN.
AS SOON AS I GET OUT THERE
AND SHOW HER THE FACTS AND THE
FIGURES LAYING RIGHT ON THE LINE
AND POINT OUT TO HER IN A SUAVE
AND SUBTLE MANNER, OF COURSE,
HOW HER SON CHATSWORTH
HAS BEEN LIVING LIKE A KING,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
SHE'S GOING TO SAY TO ME?
- THROW THE BUM OUT!
- BUT, MRS. OSBORNE,
LOOK AT THESE BILLS!
HE HAS COST ME THE
SAVINGS OF A LIFETIME!
AND BESIDES, HE IS YOUR
OWN DEAR, SWEET SON,
THE LOVABLE APPLE OF YOUR EYE!
- I NEVER HEARD OF HIM. OUT.
- NOW SEE HERE, MRS. OSBORNE!
I HAPPEN TO BE A RESPECTED
BUSINESSMAN IN THIS COMMUNITY
AND A VETERAN OF WW II,
THE BIG ONE, YOU KNOW,
WITH THE GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL!
I WANNA TELL YOU...
- TREMBLAY! DO AS I
COMMANDED! THROW THIS BUM OUT!
- WITH PLEASURE, MADAM.
- I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU!
WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, TREMBLAY,
I THINK I'LL HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
- YOU, I AM AFRAID OF...
- HELLO, DOBIE-DOO.
- CHATSWORTH!
- OH, DOBIE DO,
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE
HOW HEARTWARMING
IT IS TO BE HERE
IN THE MIDST OF THOSE
OF YOU WHO LOVE ME.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE BACK!
- JUST THINK OF IT.
YOU GILLISES HAVE TAKEN ME TO
YOUR HEARTS AND MADE ME WELCOME.
SOMEDAY I SHALL
SHOW MY APPRECIATION.
- WHY WAIT? WHY WAIT?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, GILLIS!
I SHALL DO IT NOW!
BUT WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
- THINK, THINK, THINK!
- I HAVE IT! A VACATION!
I SHALL SEND YOUR DESERVING,
HARDWORKING PARENTS
ON A GAY, INSOUCIANT,
CAREFREE VACATION!
- CHATSWORTH, LISTEN.
- WHERE WOULD THEY
LIKE TO GO THIS YEAR?
WAIT! THE RIVIERA, OF COURSE!
EVERYONE WANTS TO
RETURN TO THE RIVIERA!
- RETURN? THEY'VE
NEVER BEEN THERE AT ALL.
- NEVER BEEN TO THE RIVIERA?
SURELY, YOU JEST!
NEVER SUNNED THEMSELVES ON THOSE
GLORIOUS MEDITERRANEAN SHORES?
- TO THEM, A BIG DEAL IS TWO
DAYS ON A LIVE BAIT BARGE
AT LAKE WINNIPASACA.
- NEVER BEEN TO THE RIVIERA?
HOW GHASTLY!
I SHALL SEND THEM BEFORE
PEOPLE START TO TALK!
NO ONE NEED KNOW
IT'S THEIR FIRST TRIP.
NEVER BEEN TO THE RIVIERA?
- CHATSWORTH, ENOUGH
ALREADY WITH THE RIVIERA!
- WE SHALL DO IT TONIGHT.
WE SHALL GIVE THEM TRAVELING
CLOTHES AND AIRLINE TICKETS
AND CASH AND A CLEVER
LITTLE BON VOYAGE CARD
WHICH I SHALL PRINT MYSELF ON
MY CLEVER LITTLE PRINTING PRESS.
- AND WHERE'S ALL THIS
MONEY COMING FROM?
THIS IS ONE TIME YOU
CAN'T SIGN DAD'S NAME.
- OH, I WOULDN'T
THINK OF IT, DOBIE-DOO.
I MEAN, I'D THINK OF IT,
BUT I KNOW I COULDN'T
GET AWAY WITH IT.
NO, DOBIE-DOO, THIS IS ON ME
AND I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE I CAN GET THE MONEY,
FROM THE HOTTEST SOURCE
OF LOOT IN THIS TOWN!
- LOOT?
WHY, OF COURSE,
MASTER CHATSWORTH.
IS THAT NOT A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT,
MULTI-STRINGED
OF MEDIEVAL ORIGIN
AND RESONANT TONE?
- OH, CUT THE
DOUBLETALK, TREMBLAY.
I WANT $3,000 AND I WANT IT NOW
BEFORE MUMSY FINISHES HER
JUDO LESSON AND FINDS ME HERE.
- $3,000?
- CASH!
- MASTER CHATSWORTH, IN
ANSWER TO YOUR REQUEST,
ONE: GET LOST. TWO:
YOU SHOULD LIVE SO LONG.
THREE: LIKE HA!
- FOUR: I SHALL TELL MUMSY
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PADDING
THE HOUSEHOLD EXPENSE ACCOUNTS
OUTRAGEOUSLY FOR
THE PAST 15 YEARS
AND ARE NOW THE RICHEST BUTLER
IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
- HOW DO YOU WANT THE
LOOT, MASTER CHATSWORTH?
IN LARGE OR SMALL BILLS?
- WELL, THE MINUTE
THAT CHATSWORTH
COMES THROUGH THAT DOOR,
I AM GIVING HIM HIS
WALKING PAPERS.
HE HAS BANKRUPTED ME BANKRUPT!
HE HAS PRACTICALLY PUT ME
IN THE COUNTY SOUP KITCHEN!
- HERBERT, DEAR, SENDING HIS
HORSE AWAY WAS BAD ENOUGH.
BUT MUST YOU THROW HIM OUT TOO?
THERE MUST BE SOME OTHER WAY.
- LISTEN HERE, WINNIE POO.
WHEN I AM IN THAT
COUNTY SOUP KITCHEN,
YOU ARE GOING TO BE
RIGHT ALONGSIDE OF ME
SLURPING IT UP TOO.
- LET'S THROW HIM OUT.
- THIS IS IT, FOLKS!
- HEY, DOBE, WHAT DO
YOU GOT IN THEM BOXES?
- NOTHING, MAYNARD, AND GOODBYE.
- HI-HO, CHERISHED FRIENDS!
SWEETS TO THE SWEET,
FAIR FLOWERS TO THE FAIREST
FLOWER FOR YOU, MRS. GILLIS,
IN DEEPEST APPRECIATION.
- WHY, CHATSWORTH, HOW SWEET!
- HEY, JUST A MINUTE, SPORTY!
- PATIENCE, DEAR
MR. GILLIS. YOU'LL GET YOURS.
- I'M AFRAID I'VE
HAD MINE ALREADY.
NOW YOU JUST LISTEN...
- HERBERT, LET THE BOY GO.
- OH, HERBERT, LET THE BOY GO.
AFTER HE BUYS YOU OFF
WITH SOME STALE FLOWERS
AND BROKEN-DOWN CANDY
WHICH I PROBABLY GOT
CHARGED FOR ANYWAY?
- OH, NO, HERBERT.
HE WOULDN'T DO
A THING LIKE THAT.
WHY, HE WAS SO SINCERE
AND HONESTLY GRATEFUL.
- YEAH, WELL, THEN WHERE
DID HE GET THE MONEY
AND WHERE DID THEY GET THE
MONEY FOR ALL THOSE PACKAGES
DOBIE CAME SNEAKING
IN HERE WITH?
WE DIDN'T GIVE IT TO HIM
AND I'M SURE HIS
MOTHER DIDN'T EITHER.
- MAYBE THEY HELD UP FORT
LOX AND STOLE THE MONEY.
- MAYNARD, THAT IS FORT KNOX!
NO, THEY WOULDN'T DO THA...
- HERBERT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO MAKE SURE THEY DIDN'T.
- WELL, GOOD OLD TREMBLAY
CAME THROUGH FOR ME. [MOANS]
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
THE SOUND OF NEW MONEY!
- EXCEPT THE SOUND OF OLD MONEY.
- WE'D BEST GET CRACKING
ON THOSE SENTIMENTAL BON
VOYAGE CARDS FOR YOUR PARENTS.
WE'VE MUCH TO PRINT
BEFORE WE'RE THROUGH.
ROLL THE PRESS!
- UH-HUH.
- OOH, I CAN SEE REAL PLAIN!
- WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- A KEYHOLE!
- WHAT DO YOU SEE THROUGH
THE KEYHOLE, LAMEBRAIN?
- NO, I DON'T SEE NO LAMEBRAIN.
ALL I SEE IS DOBIE
AND CHATSWORTH.
HARK, THEY START TO SPEAK!
- OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
- BOY, WILL THEY BE SURPRISED.
TONIGHT HERE IN
THE GILLIS GROCERY,
TOMORROW NIGHT A JET
FLIGHT TO THE RIVIERA.
- OOH, A JET FLIGHT
TO THE RIVIERA!
THEY STOLE ALL THAT LOOT
AND NOW THEY'RE GETTING
READY TO SKIP THE COUNTRY.
OH, MY POOR, UNFORTUNATE,
MISGUIDED BOY!
- SHHH! MR. G., THEY
DIDN'T STEAL THAT MONEY!
- THEY DIDN'T? OH,
FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
- THEY DON'T NEED TO STEAL.
THEY'RE PRINTING UP
THEIR OWN, HOMEMADE.
- CHATSWORTH, DO YOU
THINK $20 BILLS ARE ALL RIGHT?
- NOT JUST ALL RIGHT,
DOBIE-DOO. THEY'RE PERFECT.
I MEAN, 50s AND 100s
ARE ALWAYS TROUBLE.
THEY'RE HARD TO GET RID OF,
BUT EVERYONE
WILL TAKE THESE $20.
- MY SON, COUNTERFEITING
IN MY OWN HOUSE!
- EASY, MR. G.
- MAYNARD?
- MAYBE IT AIN'T TOO LATE!
- YOU THINK SO?
- SURE, THEY STILL GOT TIME
TO CUT US IN ON THE DEAL.
- THIS IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE!
- WE GOTTA CALL THE F.O.B.
- NOW LISTEN, MAYNARD...
- D.E.T.
- MAYNARD?
- BVD.
- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME!
NOW I'LL STAY HERE SO
THAT THEY CAN'T GET OUT
AND PASS ANY OF
THIS PHONY MONEY.
AND YOU GET OVER THERE
AND GET MRS. OSBORNE
AND GET HER BACK HERE PDQ!
- YOU SURE THAT
IT AIN'T THE FBI?
ALL RIGHT, CHIEF. I'LL
FLY LIKE THE VERY WIND!
- OH, MY SON, MY SON!
- OH, MY SON, MY SON!
- LIKE, QUICK, MRS. O.! LIKE,
QUICK! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!
IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND
DEATH, MAYBE ALL THREE!
- I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE
LET MY POOR INNOCENT BABY
MINGLE WITH THE DREGS!
- NO, MA'AM, NOT DREGS, KREBS!
AND, LIKE, HURRY! WE GOTTA
FLY LIKE THE VERY WIND!
- WHAT IN UNSPEAKABLE HAVOC
HAS YOUR CROOKED SON WROUGHT
ON MY INNOCENT CHATSWORTH?
- MRS. OSBORNE, OUR INNOCENT
DOBIE WAS A FINE, UPSTANDING BOY
UNTIL YOUR CROOKED SON
CAME ALONG AND RUINED HIM!
LOOK!
- HOLD IT, HOLD IT!
RIGHT NOW, WE GOTTA
THINK ABOUT OUR BOYS!
- RIGHT! I'LL GO IN THERE
AND DRAG THEM OUT BY
THE SCRUFF OF THEIR NECKS!
- NO, MRS. OSBORNE.
THIS IS A JOB FOR A MAN.
- TRUE, BUT WE HAVEN'T
TIME TO FIND ONE!
- SOMEBODY KNOCK?
- I THINK SO, I'LL TAKE A LOOK.
- DAD?
DAD? DAD?
- CHARGE!
CHATSWORTH!
WHY BOTHER TO PRINT MONEY
WHEN WE OWN MOST OF IT?
YOU'RE STUPID AS WELL AS NASTY!
- OH, HOW COULD YOU DO
THIS SORT OF THING TO US, SON?
YOUR MOTHER AND I TRIED
TO BRING YOU UP RIGHT.
WHY, WE DIDN'T EVEN LET YOU
WATCH "THE UNTOUCHABLES" ON TV
UNLESS ONE OF US
WAS IN THE ROOM!
- DOBIE, DEAR, COUNTERFEITING,
TURNING INTO A CRIMINAL,
BREAKING THE LAW!
AND IN YOUR GOOD CLOTHES!
- MOM, DAD, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND!
- ME NEITHER, BUT
THEN I NEVER DO.
- MUMSY, THIS IS ALL
A DREADFUL MISTAKE!
- A DREADFUL MISTAKE?
YOU PIKER!
HAVEN'T YOU CLASS ENOUGH TO
COUNTERFEIT LARGE ENOUGH BILLS
TO HONOR THE OSBORNE NAME?
- GET ME OUTTA THIS CONTRAPTION!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- HALT! QUIET! DESIST! QUIET!
I'LL HANDLE THIS THING MYSELF.
I MAY BE DESTROYING
IMPORTANT EVIDENCE,
BUT I'LL TAKE THAT CHANCE.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW
IS THE SAFETY OF OUR BOYS!
SO I AM GOING TO TEAR
UP EVERY BIT OF THIS
PHONY, COUNTERFEIT MONEY!
- OH, MR. GILLIS, NO!
- HEAL BOY, STAY!
- DAD? DAD?
DAD, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
- YOUR FATHER DOES KNOW
WHAT HE'S DOING, DOBIE.
- YOU BET I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!
I'M KEEPING MY BOY OUT OF JAIL,
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!
AND THERE, AND THERE!
- MOM, DO YOU THINK DAD'S
REALLY ALL RIGHT NOW?
- WELL, DEAR, HE'S BETTER.
I HAD HOPED HE'D BE FINE
WHEN CHATSWORTH MOVED OUT,
BUT HE STILL MUTTERS A LOT.
- AND HE SPENDS AN AWFUL
LOT OF TIME ON HIS "PROJECT."
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
- ONLY TOOK ME TWO
MONTHS TO GET THIS FAR.
I CAN HAVE IT ALL
DONE IN 20 YEARS!
- OKAY, MRS. G. I
FINISHED THE HALL!
HOW ABOUT THE BEDROOM?
- MAYNARD, WATCH OUT!
- MAYNARD, DON'T GO NEAR
MR. GILLIS WITH THAT VACUUM!
- OH, WITH THIS THING?
NO, DON'T WORRY. I WON'T
GO ANYWHERE NEAR HIM.
- MUST I, MADAM?
- YOU MUST!
- OH, GOODY!
- MUMSY, THIS IS
CRUEL AND HEARTLESS!
- YES, ISN'T IT?
- BUT, MUMSY, WHY ARE YOU
OUSTING ME SO BARBAROUSLY
FROM MY ROOM AND
BOARD? WHY? WHY? WHY?
HAVEN'T I BEEN LOVABLE
AS A KITTEN, NICE AS PIE,
SWEET AS SUGAR?
- YOU RANG?
- CALL THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE!
THE KENNEL DOORS
HAVE BEEN LEFT OPEN!
- NO, MRS. O. I AIN'T NO DOG!
I'M DELIVERING YOUR GROCERIES.
I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS,
I'M LIKE A HUMAN PERSON.
- YES, IN A WAY.
KREBS, WE ARE IN THE MIDST
OF A HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
FAMILY ARGUMENT.
NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE US?
- OKAY, YOU'RE EXCUSED.
BUT NO WHISPERING
AND NO MUMBLING
'CAUSE I DON'T
WANNA MISS NOTHING!
- CHATSWORTH.
CHATSWORTH, THE LAST WEEK
YOU MADE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR A HUNTING TRIP IN
WHICH YOU RENTED THE STATES
OF MAINE, NEW
HAMPSHIRE AND VERMONT.
- I GOT THE OFF-SEASON
RATE, MUMSY.
- YOU ALSO RAN YOUR 40-FOOT
BLUE SPEEDBOAT IN THE HARBOR
IN SUCH A MANNER YOU RAMMED
AND SANK A BRAZILIAN DESTROYER
AND TWO AUSTRALIAN
FISHING TRAWLERS.
- BUT IT WAS THEIR FAULT, MUMSY!
THEY WERE MANEUVERING
THEIR BOATS DANGEROUSLY.
- IN DRY DOCK?
- I'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY OSBORNE.
- WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN IS A NASTY
OSBORNE! ALL OSBORNES ARE NASTY,
BUT YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT AT IT.
SO BE GONE FROM THESE PREMISES
UNTIL YOU CAN MEND
YOUR DISGUSTING WAYS
AND BECOME A RESPONSIBLE
GROWN-UP HUMAN BEING!
- THEN IT'S GOODBYE FOREVER!
- WITH ANY LUCK, YES.
YOU WILL BE OFF THESE
GROUNDS IN FIVE MINUTES
OR I WILL SET THE DOGS ON YOU.
OH, THEY WOULD LOVE IT!
COME ON, TREMBLAY.
I WANT TO RE-READ
THAT PORTION OF THE WILL
WHEREIN I CUT HIM
OFF WITHOUT A NICKEL.
I THINK I'LL CHANGE THAT
TO WITHOUT A PENNY.
- MUMSY! OH, MICE AND RATS!
WHAT SHALL I DO?
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
AND WHERE SHALL I GO?
WHERE? WHERE? WHERE?
- CHATSWORTH, WILL YOU
PLEASE ACCEPT AN INVITATION
TO LIVE IN OUR HOME, HUMBLE
AND UNPRETENTIOUS AS IT IS?
EVERYTHING I HAVE IS YOURS.
TAKE IT AND MAKE ME THE
HAPPIEST GROCER IN TOWN.
[JAZZ THEME]
- TAKE ME! I'VE
HEARD EVERYTHING!
I MEAN, IT LOOKED LIKE DAD
AND IT SOUNDED LIKE DAD.
IT WAS SCARY.
BUT MOM CAME UP WITH THE
ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.
- HERBERT T. GILLIS, YOU
HAVE FLIPPED YOUR WIG!
- LISTEN, WINNIE, ON
ACCOUNT OF CHATSWORTH,
WE ARE GOING TO BE RICH.
I GOT A PLAN ALL FIGURED OUT.
- IS IT LEGAL?
- ABSOLUTELY LEGAL,
BUT LET'S TRY IT ANYWAY.
NO, NO! I MEAN, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
AFTER TWO OR THREE DAYS,
CHATSWORTH'S MOTHER'S GONNA
BE SORRY FOR WHAT SHE DONE
AND SHE'S GONNA WANT
HER BRAT BACK HOME.
- TRUE, TRUE.
- OKAY, AND WHEN SHE GETS HIM
BACK THERE, SHE IS GOING TO SAY,
"CHATSWORTH, WHEN YOU WERE
OUT IN THE COLD, CRUEL WORLD,
WHO WAS IT WHO TOOK YOU IN AND
TREATED YOU LIKE THEIR OWN SON?"
- US?
- US.
AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT,
WHEN YOU DO A FAVOR
FOR THEM BIG MILLIONAIRES,
THEY ALWAYS GIVE YOU A REWARD.
- REWARD? REWARD?
SHE'LL GIVE US A REWARD?
- WELL, MAYBE NOT
EXACTLY A REWARD,
BUT SHE WILL THROW ALL HER
GROCERY BUSINESS OUR WAY
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT COULD MEAN.
- A BANK FULL OF LOOT.
- EVERY TIME SHE GIVES A PARTY,
SHE CLEANS OUT AN
ENTIRE GROCERY STORE.
- YEAH, NONE OF THAT
CHEAP STUFF EITHER.
NOTHING BUT THOSE
DELOOX GOURMET-TYPE ITEMS
LIKE PICKLED TRIPE AND
STUFF LIKE THAT THERE.
- WE'LL BE RICH!
- HERBERT, I'M WORRIED.
IT SEEMS SO COLD-BLOODED
AND CALCULATED AND SNEAKY,
AND WHEN DO WE START?
- OH, THAT'S MY WINNIE
POO THAT SAID THAT.
- AFTER ALL, MOM, HE HAS
TO STAY WITH SOMEBODY.
- CERTAINLY! AND IF CHATSWORTH
MOVES INTO MY HOME,
I'M ENTITLED TO BE
PAID FOR IT, AND GOOD.
- OH, YOU ARE ALL HEART, GIRL.
- EXCEPT FOR THE PART OF
ME THAT'S CASH REGISTER.
- TALLY-HO, ONE
AND ALL. J' ARRIVE.
- OH, HI, CASH REGIS... I
MEAN, CHATSY, MY BOY!
- CHATSWORTH, DEAR, IS THERE
ANYTHING WE CAN DO FOR YOU?
- SOMETHING TO EAT?
- SOMETHING TO DRINK?
- PRESS YOUR SUIT?
- DARN YOUR SOCKS?
- RUN YOUR ERRANDS?
- POLISH YOUR SNEAKERS?
- PLEASE, PLEASE, FRIENDS!
ALL THIS BOWING AND
SCRAPING IS UNCALLED FOR.
WHILE I AM IN YOUR HOME,
I ABSOLUTELY INSIST THAT YOU
DO NOT GO TO ANY SPECIAL PAINS
TO MAKE ME COMFORTABLE.
IS THAT CLEAR?
- WELL, IF YOU INSIST.
- GOOD! THAT'S THE WAY I
LIKE IT, DEMOCRACY IN ACTION.
NOBODY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF
THEIR SUPERIOR STATION IN LIFE
TO PUSH OTHERS AROUND.
KREBS, WHY ARE
YOU STANDING THERE?
UNPACK MY SUITCASE!
DOBIE-DOO, SEVERAL PIECES OF
MY LUGGAGE ARE STILL DOWNSTAIRS.
YOU WILL FETCH
THEM UP, WON'T YOU?
- OH, YES, SIR, YES, SIR.
- AND MR. GILLIS,
BABY, HE'LL NEED HELP.
BE OFF! BE OFF!
- OH, YES!
- MRS. GILLIS, I DO HAVE A
SUIT THAT NEEDS PRESSING.
YOU WILL SEE TO IT IMMEDIATELY!
WELL, NOW.
- SO CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
JR. MOVED IN TO MY ROOM,
BAG, BAGGAGE AND
MISERABLE PERSONALITY.
OUR STRATEGY WAS
SIMPLE, BUT BRILLIANT.
THE HAPPIER HE WAS WITH US,
THE MORE MONEY WE'D GET FROM
HIS MOTHER AFTER HE WENT HOME.
SIMPLE? YES, BRILLIANT?
YES, EXPENSIVE?
OH, BOY. AND DAD
PAID AND PAID AND PAID
BECAUSE WHATEVER CHATSWORTH
WANTED, CHATSWORTH GOT.
- OF COURSE, DOBIE-DOO!
LIVING IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO
ONE'S POLO PONY IS NOT A LUXURY!
IT IS AN ABSOLUTE NECESSITY.
EASY THERE, NATHAN BOY, EASY.
WITHIN A FORTNIGHT, WE
SHALL BE IN THE ARGENTINE
BEATING THOSE GAUCHOS
AT THEIR OWN GAME.
- THESE YOU CALL NECESSITIES?
- CERTAINLY!
THEY ARE THE BARE MINIMUM
ONE MUST HAVE TO SUSTAIN LIFE,
THE COMFORT AND SOLACE OF MUSIC.
LOVELY TONE, HASN'T IT?
- HMM.
OF COURSE, IT MIGHT
NEED A LITTLE TUNING.
- IT NEEDS A LOT OF TUNING.
- BLESS YOUR FATHER.
THE DEAR MAN INSISTED
THAT I ORDER WHATEVER I NEED
TO MAKE ME COMFORTABLE.
INSISTED? WHAT HE DID WAS PLEAD!
- WHAT HE DID WAS BEG.
- YES, IT WAS RATHER
PATHETIC, WASN'T IT?
- YEAH.
- BEHOLD! HE STEAM CABINET!
ANOTHER ABSOLUTE NECESSITY
GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU FIT,
TRIM, VIGOROUS AND
LOOKING YOUR BEST.
- YOU RANG?
- MAYNARD?
- WELL, MAYNIE-DOO, HOW
IS IT? HOT ENOUGH YET?
- YEAH, BUT I THINK
SIX HOURS IS TOO LONG.
- SIX HOURS?
- OR IS IT SIX DAYS?
I FORGET WHICH.
- SILLY KID.
CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE
HAPPY HERE, AREN'T YOU?
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GO HOME,
YOU'LL TELL YOUR
MOTHER NICE THINGS
ABOUT HOW YOU WERE
TREATED, WON'T YOU?
- WELL...
- PLEASE TELL YOUR
MOTHER. PLEASE TELL HER.
- DAD?
- MR. GILLIS!
- HEY, CHATSY!
A DELIVERY TRUCK
JUST BROUGHT THIS
AND THEY'RE WAITING
DOWNSTAIRS FOR $18, OR IS IT $81?
I FORGET. THEY
BOTH SOUND SO ALIKE.
- IT'S $18, YOU NINNY!
AND, MR. GILLIS, YOU
WILL ADVANCE THE MONEY.
I HAPPEN TO BE
TEMPORARILY OUT OF CASH.
- CERTAINLY! HERE, TAKE $20.
NOTHING IS TOO GOOD
FOR A GUEST IN MY HOUSE,
ESPECIALLY WHEN
THE GUEST IS YOU.
- THANKS, NOW WILL YOU
PLEASE TAKE THIS DOWNSTAIRS
AND PAY THE DELIVERY MAN?
AND DON'T BOTHER TO
BRING BACK THE $2 CHANGE.
YOU AND KREBS MAY
SPLIT IT WITH THE DRIVER.
- OH, THANK YOU, SIR, THANK YOU.
- OH, THANK YOU, SIR, THANK YOU!
- MAYNARD!
- OH, GOODY, GOODY, GUMDROPS!
MY PRINTING PRESS
SENT TO ME FROM HOME!
- CHATSWORTH, WHAT DO
YOU PRINT WITH THIS MACHINE?
- WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, WHENEVER
I HAVE A LITTLE SOCIAL GATHERING,
I PRINT UP THESE LITTLE GEMS.
- OH, INVITATIONS?
- ICE BREAKERS.
WHEN A YOUNG LADY
ATTRACTS YOUR FANCY,
YOU SIMPLY HAND HER ONE OF
THESE AND SHE INSTANTLY MELTS.
- OH, HI, THERE, HONEYSUCKLE!
WANNA BE MY CLINGING VINE?
- CLEVER, YES?
- CLEVER, NO.
- WELL, THAT AND MY BANKBOOK
GET THE GIRL EVERY TIME.
- OH, YES.
- NOW TO FINALIZE PLANS
FOR NEXT MONTH'S MAD
WHIRL OF FESTIVITIES.
OH, FIRST I MUST CALL
THE CATERER TO SEE
IF HE CAN HANDLE REFRESHMENTS
FOR 30 PARTIES IN A 30-DAY MONTH
WITH A FULL DANCE BAND, VOCAL
TRIO, CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR
AND CHAUFFEURED LIMOUSINES
TO TRANSPORT THE GUESTS.
- WHICH YOU'LL
CHARGE TO MY FATHER?
- NATURALLY, HE WOULDN'T
HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY.
OF COURSE, I COULD
CUT DOWN THE AMOUNT
OF YOUR FATHER'S
MONEY I'M SPENDING.
- GOOD, GOOD!
- BUT THAT WOULD MAKE MY
VISIT HERE MOST UNHAPPY!
- BAD, BAD!
- HOWEVER, I COULD
LEARN TO ADJUST.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- BUT I WON'T.
- BAD, BAD.
- OH, 'TIS A PUZZLEMENT!
MY COMPASSION FOR
GILLIS THE ELDER SUGGESTS
THAT I TEMPER MY FLAIR
FOR THE MAGNIFICENT
AND DIMINISH THE NUMBER
OF PARTIES PER MONTH.
- GOOD, GOOD.
- BAH!
- BAD, BAD.
- THEN I'LL BE MISERABLE AND
MUMSY'S SURE TO HEAR OF IT.
OH, DOBIE-DOO, WHAT
DO YOU SUGGEST?
- CHATSWORTH, INDULGE YOUR
FLAIR FOR THE MAGNIFICENT.
MAKE IT 50 PARTIES
IN A 50-DAY MONTH!
HERBERT T. GILLIS RIDES TONIGHT.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE BILLS
CHATSWORTH HAS RUN
UP AT DAD'S EXPENSE,
THE ONES THAT CAME
IN TODAY, THAT IS.
THEY ADD UP TO A FORTUNE.
AND I WONDER WHAT DAD'LL SAY
WHEN THE RETURNS FROM THE
OUTLYING PRECINCTS COME IN.
- [GROANS] I'LL TEAR HIM
APART WITH MY BARE HANDS.
- OH, HERBERT, DEAR,
WHAT'S THE MATTER NOW?
- A GOLF BALL BILL FOR $47,
THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER!
- BUT, DEAR, LOTS OF PEOPLE
SPEND THAT MUCH MONEY
FOR GOLF BALLS.
- FOR ONE GOLF BALL?
- TRY NOT TO BE SO UPSET.
- UPSET? WHO'S UPSET, WINNIE?
I AM JUST AS CALM AND...
WINNIE, WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.
IF THAT CHATSWORTH
DON'T GET OUTTA HERE,
WE'LL BE 10 MILES
PAST BANKRUPTCY!
WE'LL BE BROKE! WE'LL
BE OUT OF BUSINESS!
- BUT, DEAR, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GET IT BACK IN
TIME, WITH INTEREST.
CHATSWORTH IS AN
INVESTMENT, REMEMBER.
- OH, YEAH, CHATSY.
DON'T LOOK A GIFT
HORSE IN THE MOUTH, HUH?
- SAY AH! AH! THAT'S
A GOOD BOY! AH!
- HOW DO YOU EXPECT
HIM TO SAY "AH?"
YOU GOTTA HAVE ONE OF THOSE
STICKS AND HOLD HIS TONGUE DOWN.
- OH, MR. GILLIS.
I BEEN THINKING ABOUT MY HORSE
AND I'VE DECIDED IT ISN'T FAIR
TO KEEP HIM HERE LIKE THIS.
- OH, GOOD, GOOD.
- I MEAN, HE'S ALONE ALL DAY
WITH NO ONE TO KEEP HIM COMPANY.
I FEAR FOR HIS HEALTH
AND MENTAL WELL-BEING.
- OH, SO YOU'RE GONNA MOVE
HIM OUT TO PASTURE, HUH?
GOOD, GOOD.
- MOVE HIM OUT TO
PASTURE? PERISH FORBID!
HE JUST NEEDS COMPANY.
I'M BRINGING THE REST
OF MY POLO PONIES IN!
- AT A TIME LIKE THAT,
WITH MONEY GOING DOWN
THE DRAIN LIKE BATHWATER,
ANY NORMAL MAN WOULD
THROW IN THE TOWEL AND QUIT.
BUT NOT MY DAD, NO, SIR.
HE'S NOT NORMAL.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT NORMAL
WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY.
- WHEN IT COMES TO MONEY, I
AM A GRIM, DETERMINED BULLDOG.
- WELL, YOU SHOULD
STOP GROWLING, BULLDOG,
BECAUSE SO FAR YOU SEEM TO
BE BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE.
YOU SPENT $2,500 ON
CHATSWORTH ALREADY
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK
AS IF YOU'LL NEVER GET IT BACK.
- $2,613.28 TO BE EXACT,
BUT THEN WHO IS COUNTING?
AND I INTEND TO GET IT BACK
WITH A BIG BONUS FOR GENEROSITY
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY
IF NOT SOONER.
- AH, GOOD MORNING,
MRS. GILLIS, MR. GILLIS.
- WATCH THIS. CHATSWORTH?
THE GILLIS UNDERHANDED APPROACH.
CHATSY?
- MR. GILLIS? HAS THAT TENNIS
RACKET I ORDERED ARRIVED YET?
- TENNIS RACKET? THERE
MUST BE A GROSS OF 'EM!
IT TOOK FOUR STRONG MEN TO
GET THIS THING OFF THE TRUCK!
- YES, IT IS A RATHER ODD
QUIRK I HAVE DEVELOPED.
I ALWAYS DISCARD MY
RACKET AFTER EACH SERVE.
YOU PAID FOR THESE, OF COURSE?
- OF COURSE.
- GOOD.
- BAD.
- BAD?
- BAD. I'M GONNA MISS DOING
ALL THESE LITTLE THINGS
FOR YOU SUCH AS SHELLING OUT
FOR YOUR CUTE LITTLE QUIRKS.
BUT IT'S ALL OVER. YOU'RE
GONNA BE GOING HOME SOON.
- HOME? TO MUMSY?
- YES, IT'S GONNA
BE VERY LONESOME
AROUND HERE WITHOUT
YOU, BUT WE'LL JUST...
LOOK! LOOK! THERE IT GOES AGAIN!
- WHAT? WHERE? WHAT?
- OH, YOU MISSED IT,
DEAR BOY. YOU MISSED IT.
- WHY? WHAT? WHAT?
- YOUR MOTHER'S LIMOUSINE,
THE BIG BLACK ONE
WITH THE SIX WHEELS.
SHE'S BEEN DRIVING
UP AND DOWN ALL DAY
JUST TRYING TO
GET A LOOK AT YOU.
WHY, I'LL BET YOU COULD
HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANTED
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IF
YOU WERE TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT, WINNIE?
- RIGHT, ANYTHING IN THE
WORLD OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
- MR. GILLIS, ARE YOU
POSITIVE IT WAS MUMSY'S CAR?
- WHO ELSE HAS A 1983 LIMOUSINE?
- MUMSY!
- OH, I CAN JUST SEE ALL
THE WONDERFUL SURPRISES
SHE HAS LINED UP FOR
YOU TO WELCOME YOU HOME,
A NEW LITTLE RED SPORTS CAR.
- A NEW BIG BLUE SPEEDBOAT.
- AND A MEDIUM-SIZED
GOLF COURSE.
- AND AN INVITATION TO
LUNCH AT PETER LAWFORD'S.
- YES! YES!
SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I
MUST RUN AND ERRAND OF MERCY.
Both: YOU MEAN...?
- YES! I'M GOING HOME AT ONCE
TO SPARE MY BELOVED MUMSY
FROM ANY FURTHER HEARTBREAK!
- HERBERT, YOU'RE A GENIUS!
- OH, I'LL BUY THAT.
- I'LL BUY THE ENTIRE
GILLIS GROCERY STORE,
INCLUDING ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT,
TO GET MY LITTLE BOY BACK!
- YOU MUST GET HIM OUT
OF YOUR MIND, MADAM.
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE
OF THESE PICKLED PIGS FEET.
- OOH!
- OH, DEAR, HERE I GO
REMINDING YOU OF HIM AGAIN!
- THESE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE
BEEN SHEER TORTURE, TREMBLAY!
EVERYWHERE I LOOK, I SEE
THE FACE OF MY CHATSWORTH.
- YES, MADAM, THAT
WOULD BE TORTURE.
- DON'T BE UPPITY, TREMBLAY!
CHATSWORTH MAY BE A
WORTHLESS, WHINING, SNIVELING,
WHIMPERING NINCOMPOOP,
BUT HE IS MY WORTHLESS,
WHINING, WHIMPERING NINCOMPOOP.
- YOU LEFT OUT SNIVELING, MADAM.
- OH, YOU ARE RIGHT! I MUST
GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND!
I WILL CONCENTRATE
ON FORGETTING HIM.
TREMBLAY, LEAVE
ME TO SUFFER ALONE.
- YES, MADAM, OF COURSE.
- I MUST GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND, I
MUST NOT THINK OF CHATSWORTH.
HE IS NOT HERE,
HE IS MERELY A FIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION.
IF HE APPEARS AGAIN,
I SHALL BELT HIM.
- MUMSY!
[SCREAMS]
- MUMSY, IT IS I.
YOUR BELOVED CHATSY
BOY HAS RETURNED.
- TRY TO BUG ME, WILL YOU?
YOU SNIVELING FIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION!
- MUMSY?
- OH!
- I'M FOR REAL!
- IF I EVER SAW ANYONE WHO
WAS NOT FOR REAL, IT IS YOU!
- I'LL PROVE I'M REAL!
- D'AHH!
- MUMSY, IF YOU DO NOT
INSTANTLY GIVE ME $1,000
AND A WATERCRESS SANDWICH,
I SHALL HOLD MY BREATH
UNTIL I TURN PURPLE!
- CHATSY!
ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH,
BREAK CLEAN.
WHAT A VULGAR DISPLAY.
COME, BOY, SIT ON MY LAP
AND I'LL TELL YOU HOW
MUCH I'VE MISSED YOU.
- OH, MUMSY, I KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU MISSED ME.
- YOU DO?
- OF COURSE.
I WAS SURE YOU'D GO ALL
TO PIECES THE MOMENT I LEFT.
- DO TELL?
- OH, YOU PUT ON A BIG SHOW
BLUSTERING AND SNORTING AROUND,
MUMSY, DEAR.
BUT UNDERNEATH IT ALL, I
KNEW THAT, WITHOUT ME,
YOU ARE A POOR LOST SOUL.
- CORRECTION, CHATSWORTH.
I'M ANYTHING BUT
A POOR LOST SOUL.
IF THERE IS A POOR
LOST SOUL, IT IS YOU.
- I? A POOR LOST SOUL?
HARDLY.
IT IS YOU WHO ARE
THE POOR LOST SOUL.
- I DON'T WANT TO
ARGUE WITH YOU, DEAR.
BUT I AM NOT A POOR LOST SOUL.
IT IS YOU AND LET'S
GET THAT STRAIGHT.
- MUMSY, I DON'T LIKE
TO ARGUE WITH YOU,
BUT YOU ARE THE POOR...
- CHATSWORTH!
I AM YOUR MOTHER
WHO LOVES YOU DEARLY.
BUT! BE OFF THESE
GROUNDS IN THREE MINUTES
OR I'LL SET THE
DOGS ON YOU! OUT!
- ME? OUT?
- YOU! OUT!
- OUT?
- OUT! AND I MEAN WAY OUT!
- IN, AND I MEAN WAY IN, AND
THAT'S WHERE I'M GONNA BE
JUST AS SOON AS I GET OUT
THERE TO OSBORNE MANOR
AND TELL MRS. MONEYBAGS
ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL,
GENEROUS THINGS
I BEEN DOING FOR HER KID.
- JUST BE CAREFUL
NOT TO OVERDO IT, DEAR,
WHEN YOU TALK TO HER.
- ME? OVERDO IT?
SUBTLE, SHY, MODEST
LITTLE OLD NON-OVERDO IT ME?
- OR WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
- OH, COME ON NOW,
WINNIE. CALM DOWN.
AS SOON AS I GET OUT THERE
AND SHOW HER THE FACTS AND THE
FIGURES LAYING RIGHT ON THE LINE
AND POINT OUT TO HER IN A SUAVE
AND SUBTLE MANNER, OF COURSE,
HOW HER SON CHATSWORTH
HAS BEEN LIVING LIKE A KING,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
SHE'S GOING TO SAY TO ME?
- THROW THE BUM OUT!
- BUT, MRS. OSBORNE,
LOOK AT THESE BILLS!
HE HAS COST ME THE
SAVINGS OF A LIFETIME!
AND BESIDES, HE IS YOUR
OWN DEAR, SWEET SON,
THE LOVABLE APPLE OF YOUR EYE!
- I NEVER HEARD OF HIM. OUT.
- NOW SEE HERE, MRS. OSBORNE!
I HAPPEN TO BE A RESPECTED
BUSINESSMAN IN THIS COMMUNITY
AND A VETERAN OF WW II,
THE BIG ONE, YOU KNOW,
WITH THE GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL!
I WANNA TELL YOU...
- TREMBLAY! DO AS I
COMMANDED! THROW THIS BUM OUT!
- WITH PLEASURE, MADAM.
- I AIN'T AFRAID OF YOU!
WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!
- ON SECOND THOUGHT, TREMBLAY,
I THINK I'LL HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
- YOU, I AM AFRAID OF...
- HELLO, DOBIE-DOO.
- CHATSWORTH!
- OH, DOBIE DO,
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE
HOW HEARTWARMING
IT IS TO BE HERE
IN THE MIDST OF THOSE
OF YOU WHO LOVE ME.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE BACK!
- JUST THINK OF IT.
YOU GILLISES HAVE TAKEN ME TO
YOUR HEARTS AND MADE ME WELCOME.
SOMEDAY I SHALL
SHOW MY APPRECIATION.
- WHY WAIT? WHY WAIT?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, GILLIS!
I SHALL DO IT NOW!
BUT WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
- THINK, THINK, THINK!
- I HAVE IT! A VACATION!
I SHALL SEND YOUR DESERVING,
HARDWORKING PARENTS
ON A GAY, INSOUCIANT,
CAREFREE VACATION!
- CHATSWORTH, LISTEN.
- WHERE WOULD THEY
LIKE TO GO THIS YEAR?
WAIT! THE RIVIERA, OF COURSE!
EVERYONE WANTS TO
RETURN TO THE RIVIERA!
- RETURN? THEY'VE
NEVER BEEN THERE AT ALL.
- NEVER BEEN TO THE RIVIERA?
SURELY, YOU JEST!
NEVER SUNNED THEMSELVES ON THOSE
GLORIOUS MEDITERRANEAN SHORES?
- TO THEM, A BIG DEAL IS TWO
DAYS ON A LIVE BAIT BARGE
AT LAKE WINNIPASACA.
- NEVER BEEN TO THE RIVIERA?
HOW GHASTLY!
I SHALL SEND THEM BEFORE
PEOPLE START TO TALK!
NO ONE NEED KNOW
IT'S THEIR FIRST TRIP.
NEVER BEEN TO THE RIVIERA?
- CHATSWORTH, ENOUGH
ALREADY WITH THE RIVIERA!
- WE SHALL DO IT TONIGHT.
WE SHALL GIVE THEM TRAVELING
CLOTHES AND AIRLINE TICKETS
AND CASH AND A CLEVER
LITTLE BON VOYAGE CARD
WHICH I SHALL PRINT MYSELF ON
MY CLEVER LITTLE PRINTING PRESS.
- AND WHERE'S ALL THIS
MONEY COMING FROM?
THIS IS ONE TIME YOU
CAN'T SIGN DAD'S NAME.
- OH, I WOULDN'T
THINK OF IT, DOBIE-DOO.
I MEAN, I'D THINK OF IT,
BUT I KNOW I COULDN'T
GET AWAY WITH IT.
NO, DOBIE-DOO, THIS IS ON ME
AND I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE I CAN GET THE MONEY,
FROM THE HOTTEST SOURCE
OF LOOT IN THIS TOWN!
- LOOT?
WHY, OF COURSE,
MASTER CHATSWORTH.
IS THAT NOT A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT,
MULTI-STRINGED
OF MEDIEVAL ORIGIN
AND RESONANT TONE?
- OH, CUT THE
DOUBLETALK, TREMBLAY.
I WANT $3,000 AND I WANT IT NOW
BEFORE MUMSY FINISHES HER
JUDO LESSON AND FINDS ME HERE.
- $3,000?
- CASH!
- MASTER CHATSWORTH, IN
ANSWER TO YOUR REQUEST,
ONE: GET LOST. TWO:
YOU SHOULD LIVE SO LONG.
THREE: LIKE HA!
- FOUR: I SHALL TELL MUMSY
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PADDING
THE HOUSEHOLD EXPENSE ACCOUNTS
OUTRAGEOUSLY FOR
THE PAST 15 YEARS
AND ARE NOW THE RICHEST BUTLER
IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
- HOW DO YOU WANT THE
LOOT, MASTER CHATSWORTH?
IN LARGE OR SMALL BILLS?
- WELL, THE MINUTE
THAT CHATSWORTH
COMES THROUGH THAT DOOR,
I AM GIVING HIM HIS
WALKING PAPERS.
HE HAS BANKRUPTED ME BANKRUPT!
HE HAS PRACTICALLY PUT ME
IN THE COUNTY SOUP KITCHEN!
- HERBERT, DEAR, SENDING HIS
HORSE AWAY WAS BAD ENOUGH.
BUT MUST YOU THROW HIM OUT TOO?
THERE MUST BE SOME OTHER WAY.
- LISTEN HERE, WINNIE POO.
WHEN I AM IN THAT
COUNTY SOUP KITCHEN,
YOU ARE GOING TO BE
RIGHT ALONGSIDE OF ME
SLURPING IT UP TOO.
- LET'S THROW HIM OUT.
- THIS IS IT, FOLKS!
- HEY, DOBE, WHAT DO
YOU GOT IN THEM BOXES?
- NOTHING, MAYNARD, AND GOODBYE.
- HI-HO, CHERISHED FRIENDS!
SWEETS TO THE SWEET,
FAIR FLOWERS TO THE FAIREST
FLOWER FOR YOU, MRS. GILLIS,
IN DEEPEST APPRECIATION.
- WHY, CHATSWORTH, HOW SWEET!
- HEY, JUST A MINUTE, SPORTY!
- PATIENCE, DEAR
MR. GILLIS. YOU'LL GET YOURS.
- I'M AFRAID I'VE
HAD MINE ALREADY.
NOW YOU JUST LISTEN...
- HERBERT, LET THE BOY GO.
- OH, HERBERT, LET THE BOY GO.
AFTER HE BUYS YOU OFF
WITH SOME STALE FLOWERS
AND BROKEN-DOWN CANDY
WHICH I PROBABLY GOT
CHARGED FOR ANYWAY?
- OH, NO, HERBERT.
HE WOULDN'T DO
A THING LIKE THAT.
WHY, HE WAS SO SINCERE
AND HONESTLY GRATEFUL.
- YEAH, WELL, THEN WHERE
DID HE GET THE MONEY
AND WHERE DID THEY GET THE
MONEY FOR ALL THOSE PACKAGES
DOBIE CAME SNEAKING
IN HERE WITH?
WE DIDN'T GIVE IT TO HIM
AND I'M SURE HIS
MOTHER DIDN'T EITHER.
- MAYBE THEY HELD UP FORT
LOX AND STOLE THE MONEY.
- MAYNARD, THAT IS FORT KNOX!
NO, THEY WOULDN'T DO THA...
- HERBERT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO MAKE SURE THEY DIDN'T.
- WELL, GOOD OLD TREMBLAY
CAME THROUGH FOR ME. [MOANS]
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE
THE SOUND OF NEW MONEY!
- EXCEPT THE SOUND OF OLD MONEY.
- WE'D BEST GET CRACKING
ON THOSE SENTIMENTAL BON
VOYAGE CARDS FOR YOUR PARENTS.
WE'VE MUCH TO PRINT
BEFORE WE'RE THROUGH.
ROLL THE PRESS!
- UH-HUH.
- OOH, I CAN SEE REAL PLAIN!
- WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- A KEYHOLE!
- WHAT DO YOU SEE THROUGH
THE KEYHOLE, LAMEBRAIN?
- NO, I DON'T SEE NO LAMEBRAIN.
ALL I SEE IS DOBIE
AND CHATSWORTH.
HARK, THEY START TO SPEAK!
- OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
- BOY, WILL THEY BE SURPRISED.
TONIGHT HERE IN
THE GILLIS GROCERY,
TOMORROW NIGHT A JET
FLIGHT TO THE RIVIERA.
- OOH, A JET FLIGHT
TO THE RIVIERA!
THEY STOLE ALL THAT LOOT
AND NOW THEY'RE GETTING
READY TO SKIP THE COUNTRY.
OH, MY POOR, UNFORTUNATE,
MISGUIDED BOY!
- SHHH! MR. G., THEY
DIDN'T STEAL THAT MONEY!
- THEY DIDN'T? OH,
FOR JOY, FOR JOY!
- THEY DON'T NEED TO STEAL.
THEY'RE PRINTING UP
THEIR OWN, HOMEMADE.
- CHATSWORTH, DO YOU
THINK $20 BILLS ARE ALL RIGHT?
- NOT JUST ALL RIGHT,
DOBIE-DOO. THEY'RE PERFECT.
I MEAN, 50s AND 100s
ARE ALWAYS TROUBLE.
THEY'RE HARD TO GET RID OF,
BUT EVERYONE
WILL TAKE THESE $20.
- MY SON, COUNTERFEITING
IN MY OWN HOUSE!
- EASY, MR. G.
- MAYNARD?
- MAYBE IT AIN'T TOO LATE!
- YOU THINK SO?
- SURE, THEY STILL GOT TIME
TO CUT US IN ON THE DEAL.
- THIS IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE!
- WE GOTTA CALL THE F.O.B.
- NOW LISTEN, MAYNARD...
- D.E.T.
- MAYNARD?
- BVD.
- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME!
NOW I'LL STAY HERE SO
THAT THEY CAN'T GET OUT
AND PASS ANY OF
THIS PHONY MONEY.
AND YOU GET OVER THERE
AND GET MRS. OSBORNE
AND GET HER BACK HERE PDQ!
- YOU SURE THAT
IT AIN'T THE FBI?
ALL RIGHT, CHIEF. I'LL
FLY LIKE THE VERY WIND!
- OH, MY SON, MY SON!
- OH, MY SON, MY SON!
- LIKE, QUICK, MRS. O.! LIKE,
QUICK! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!
IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND
DEATH, MAYBE ALL THREE!
- I KNEW I SHOULD NEVER HAVE
LET MY POOR INNOCENT BABY
MINGLE WITH THE DREGS!
- NO, MA'AM, NOT DREGS, KREBS!
AND, LIKE, HURRY! WE GOTTA
FLY LIKE THE VERY WIND!
- WHAT IN UNSPEAKABLE HAVOC
HAS YOUR CROOKED SON WROUGHT
ON MY INNOCENT CHATSWORTH?
- MRS. OSBORNE, OUR INNOCENT
DOBIE WAS A FINE, UPSTANDING BOY
UNTIL YOUR CROOKED SON
CAME ALONG AND RUINED HIM!
LOOK!
- HOLD IT, HOLD IT!
RIGHT NOW, WE GOTTA
THINK ABOUT OUR BOYS!
- RIGHT! I'LL GO IN THERE
AND DRAG THEM OUT BY
THE SCRUFF OF THEIR NECKS!
- NO, MRS. OSBORNE.
THIS IS A JOB FOR A MAN.
- TRUE, BUT WE HAVEN'T
TIME TO FIND ONE!
- SOMEBODY KNOCK?
- I THINK SO, I'LL TAKE A LOOK.
- DAD?
DAD? DAD?
- CHARGE!
CHATSWORTH!
WHY BOTHER TO PRINT MONEY
WHEN WE OWN MOST OF IT?
YOU'RE STUPID AS WELL AS NASTY!
- OH, HOW COULD YOU DO
THIS SORT OF THING TO US, SON?
YOUR MOTHER AND I TRIED
TO BRING YOU UP RIGHT.
WHY, WE DIDN'T EVEN LET YOU
WATCH "THE UNTOUCHABLES" ON TV
UNLESS ONE OF US
WAS IN THE ROOM!
- DOBIE, DEAR, COUNTERFEITING,
TURNING INTO A CRIMINAL,
BREAKING THE LAW!
AND IN YOUR GOOD CLOTHES!
- MOM, DAD, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND!
- ME NEITHER, BUT
THEN I NEVER DO.
- MUMSY, THIS IS ALL
A DREADFUL MISTAKE!
- A DREADFUL MISTAKE?
YOU PIKER!
HAVEN'T YOU CLASS ENOUGH TO
COUNTERFEIT LARGE ENOUGH BILLS
TO HONOR THE OSBORNE NAME?
- GET ME OUTTA THIS CONTRAPTION!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- HALT! QUIET! DESIST! QUIET!
I'LL HANDLE THIS THING MYSELF.
I MAY BE DESTROYING
IMPORTANT EVIDENCE,
BUT I'LL TAKE THAT CHANCE.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW
IS THE SAFETY OF OUR BOYS!
SO I AM GOING TO TEAR
UP EVERY BIT OF THIS
PHONY, COUNTERFEIT MONEY!
- OH, MR. GILLIS, NO!
- HEAL BOY, STAY!
- DAD? DAD?
DAD, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
- YOUR FATHER DOES KNOW
WHAT HE'S DOING, DOBIE.
- YOU BET I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!
I'M KEEPING MY BOY OUT OF JAIL,
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING!
AND THERE, AND THERE!
- MOM, DO YOU THINK DAD'S
REALLY ALL RIGHT NOW?
- WELL, DEAR, HE'S BETTER.
I HAD HOPED HE'D BE FINE
WHEN CHATSWORTH MOVED OUT,
BUT HE STILL MUTTERS A LOT.
- AND HE SPENDS AN AWFUL
LOT OF TIME ON HIS "PROJECT."
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]
- ONLY TOOK ME TWO
MONTHS TO GET THIS FAR.
I CAN HAVE IT ALL
DONE IN 20 YEARS!
- OKAY, MRS. G. I
FINISHED THE HALL!
HOW ABOUT THE BEDROOM?
- MAYNARD, WATCH OUT!
- MAYNARD, DON'T GO NEAR
MR. GILLIS WITH THAT VACUUM!
- OH, WITH THIS THING?
NO, DON'T WORRY. I WON'T
GO ANYWHERE NEAR HIM.