The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 27 - The General Cried at Dawn - full transcript
Dobie and Maynard go from the frying pan to the firing squad! While vacationing in the banana republic of Boca Dolce, the boys are abducted and Maynard is forced to impersonate his look-alike, General Ramon, a fearless leader known as El Tigre.
- HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP,
TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP, HEP,
TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP,
HEP TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP
COLUMN RIGHT!
HEP TWO, THREE, FOUR,
HEP TWO, THREE, FOUR,
SQUAD, HALT! RIGHT FACE!
CORPORAL, PREPARE THE
PRISONERS FOR EXECUTION!
- A LAST CIGARETTE?
A LAST DRINK?
A LAST LETTER PERHAPS?
A FAREWELL TO YOUR FAMILIES?
GONZALES?
WRITE DOWN THE DYING
WORDS OF THIS VICIOUS CRIMINAL!
AND QUICKLY!
THE RIFLES OF THE FIRING
SQUAD GROW IMPATIENT!
- DEAR, MOM AND DAD,
PLEASE DON'T BE UPSET
WHEN YOU READ THIS,
BUT I'M AFRAID I WON'T BE ABLE
TO GET BACK IN TIME FOR SCHOOL.
YOU SEE, THROUGH A RATHER
ODD CHAIN OF CIRCUMSTANCES,
I NOW FIND MYSELF MORE OR LESS
STONE COLD DEAD IN THE JUNGLE.
[JAZZ THEME]
- THE STARK, HARD-HITTING DRAMA
YOU ARE ABOUT
TO WITNESS IS TRUE.
NOT EVEN THE NAMES HAVE BEEN
CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
BECAUSE IN THIS TALE OF
INTRIGUE AND HIGH ADVENTURE,
EVERYBODY'S GUILTY.
IT ALL STARTED WHEN MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS, AND I
DECIDED TO TAKE A VACATION
IN THE PICTURESQUE LATIN
AMERICAN REPUBLIC OF BOCA DOLCE.
THE TRIP TO OUR EXOTIC
VACATION SPOT WAS EXCITING.
THE COUNTRY WE FLEW
OVER WAS MAGNIFICENT
AND BOCA DOLCE ITSELF WAS...
A MESS, A HORRIBLE,
UNSPEAKABLE, SPOOKY MESS!
MAYNARD, THE LAST TIME
I SAW ANYTHING LIKE THIS,
JOHN WAYNE HAD JUST
ABANDONED IT TO THE INDIANS!
HOW DID TWO NICE
FELLAS LIKE... MAYNARD?
MAYNARD, GET OVER HERE WITH
THE DONKEY AND OUR BAGGAGE!
- HEY, DOBE, WHO'S SUPPOSED TO
CARRY THE SUITCASES AND LUGGAGE?
ME OR THE DONKEY?
- THE DONKEY, MAYNARD,
AND STOP ACTING SILLY!
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!
YOU SEE, DONKEY?
YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!
- MAYNARD, I'M... I'M SCARED.
I'VE GOT THE FEELING
THAT SOMEBODY OR
SOMETHING'S WATCHING US.
- YEAH, THE DONKEY.
- NO, I MEAN SOMEONE STRANGE
AND MYSTERIOUS AND DANGEROUS.
- HERNANDEZ, BEHOLD
THAT AMERICANO.
- I BEHOLD, GUADALUPE.
- IT IS TO BE AMAZED.
HERNANDEZ, YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO - SI.
- I SHALL TAKE CARE
OF HIM MYSELF, GOOD.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS
ABSOLUTELY THE UGLIEST PLACE
I'VE EVER SEEN.
EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS UGLY,
UGLY, UGLY... HELLO, BEAUTIFUL!
- HEY, DOBE, YOU
BETTER WATCH IT.
YOU BEEN OUT HERE IN
THE JUNGLE TOO LONG
IF I'M STARTING TO
LOOK BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
MUCHOS GRACIOS, FRAULEIN.
I AM DOBIE GILLIS
AT YOUR SERVICE.
- DO ME THE HONOR TO LOSE
YOURSELF, YANKEE, PRONTO!
- THIS MAY BE TOUGH,
MAYNARD. SHE HATES AMERICANS.
- HEY, HANDSOME GRINGO.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A
GLASS OF TEQUILA WITH ME?
- I'M SORRY. I DON'T ACCEPT
GIFTS FROM STRANGERS.
- WELL, THIS ONE NEVER
EVEN HEARD OF FEMALE WILES.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- YEAH, MADEMOISELLE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE MY FRIEND.
HE'S A LITTLE BACKWARD.
- HE IS A LOT BACKWARD. VAMOS!
- I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
AM QUITE FORWARD.
- AND I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
KNOW HE'S GONNA STRIKE OUT.
- BELIEVE ME, MY GUAPA, I'M...
- DOBE! DOBE!
HEY, DOBE? DOBE?
DOBE!
- QUICKLY, HERNANDEZ! WE'LL
TAKE THEM TO THE PALACE.
THEY ARE UNCONSCIOUS.
- WITH THIS ONE,
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
- AH, THEY ARE
BECOMING CONSCIOUS.
- I REPEAT, WITH THIS
ONE, HOW CAN YOU TELL?
- OH, WHERE AM I?
- OOH, WHAT AM I?
- FORGIVE US, YOUNG GENTLEMEN.
I TRUST YOU WERE NOT
INCONVENIENCED TOO GREATLY,
BUT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY.
- HEY, WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE? I WANNA COP!
- I WANT THE FBI!
- I WANT THE AMERICAN
AMBASSADOR!
- I WANT MY MOTHER!
[CRIES]
- SILENCE!
YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE
OF OUR ESTEEMED PRESIDENT.
- MY ESTEEMED FATHER.
- HARRY TRUMAN!
- MAYNARD...
- I AM CARLOS RUBERO,
EL PRESIDENTE OF THE
REPUBLIC OF BOCA DOLCE!
- THE PRESIDENT! WOW!
WE ARE HONORED, SIR.
- RIGHT! I MEAN, AIN'T MANY
FELLOWS GET KIDNAPPED
BY A LOWDOWN RAT WHO
HAPPENS TO BE PRESIDENT!
- I COULD KILL THIS YANKEE PIG!
- NO, HERNANDEZ! HE
DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
WHAT HE IS SAYING.
- YOUNG VISITORS, YOU'VE BEEN
BROUGHT HERE TO THE PALACE
FOR A VERY SIMPLE REASON.
YOU SEE, I AM THE POLITICAL
LEADER OF OUR COUNTRY,
BUT THE MAN WHO TRULY LEADS
US IS OUR GREAT MILITARY HERO,
GENERAL RAMÓN!
- VIVA, RAMÓN! All: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- WHOM WE CALL
EL TIGRE, THE TIGER.
- VIVA, EL TIGRE!
All: VIVA, EL TIGRE!
- HE IS OUR CHIEFTAIN,
OUR SYMBOL OF STRENGTH!
- MY BROTHER, RAMÓN!
All: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- MY SON, THE GENERAL!
- YOU RANG, MY FATHER?
- VIVA, RAMÓN! All: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- THAT IS GENERAL RAMÓN?
- EL TIGRE!
- ODD-LOOKING FELLOW, AIN'T HE?
- THEY CONSTRUCT THESE
YANKEES IN PECULIAR WAYS,
DO THEY NOT?
- MAYNARD, DON'T YOU SEE?
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- OBSERVE CLOSELY.
HE'S YOUR EXACT IMAGE.
- EL? QUE CHISTE.
- THAT MEANS HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- IF FIGURED, I FIGURED.
- THE TROOPS ARE READY
FOR INSPECTION, SIR.
- YOU SEE THE GREAT
ADVANTAGES TO US
OF FINDING A MAN WHO RESEMBLES
SO CLOSELY TO OUR GENERAL RAMÓN.
- YEAH, I'M STARTING TO GET IT.
IF MAYNARD PUTS ON A UNIFORM,
HE COULD TAKE THE
GENERAL'S PLACE
AT IMPORTANT
GOVERNMENT BANQUETS.
- GOOD, GOOD!
- AT PARADES.
- GOOD, GOOD!
- WHEN TRAITORS
TRY TO SHOOT HIM!
- BAD, BAD.
- YOU MUST HELP US, SEÑOR.
- MAYNARD, I THINK IT'D BE
A FINE PATRIOTIC GESTURE
IF YOU DID THESE
NICE PEOPLE A FAVOR.
- YOU WILL BE CARRYING OUT
THE GOOD NEIGHBOR POLICY.
- IF THEY DON'T
CARRY ME OUT FIRST!
- MAYNARD?
- THE ONLY NEIGHBOR I WANNA
BE GOOD TO IS WALTER FUNK.
HE LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME BACK
HOME AND I'M LONESOME FOR HIM.
- MAYNARD? EXCUSE ME.
MAYNARD, WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU?
- NOTHING YET, BUT I'M
SCARED IT MIGHT BE BULLETS!
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
THERE'S VERY LITTLE CHANCE
THAT ANYBODY WILL
TRY TO SHOOT YOU.
RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT?
- WRONG, YOUNG VISITOR!
- WRONG, YOUNG VISITOR?
- ALAS, YES. I MUST BE HONEST
WITH YOUR FRIEND HERE.
IF HE TAKES THE PLACE OF
OUR GENERAL RAMÓN IN PUBLIC,
HE FACES GRAVE DANGER.
- NO, HE DON'T! 'CAUSE
HE AIN'T GONNA BE HERE!
- YOU SEE, IN A FEW DAYS,
WE GO TO THE BORDER
TO SIGN A TREATY OF PEACE
WITH GENERAL ZAPATERO.
Soldiers: ZAPATERO, BOO!
- ZAPATERO IS THE EVIL
DICTATOR OF RATON GRANDE,
OUR EVIL NEIGHBOR TO THE WEST.
THEY WOULD SWALLOW UP
OUR SMALL FREE COUNTRY,
FRIENDLY TO THE U.S., IF WE
WERE NOT STRONG AND UNITED
BEHIND OUR BRAVE LEADER, RAMÓN.
Soldiers: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- THAT IS WHY THE EVIL
DICTATOR ZAPATERO
MAY TRY TO ASSASSINATE RAMÓN!
- THAT AIN'T FRIENDLY.
- THAT IS WHY YOU MUST BE
A HERO AND TAKE HIS PLACE.
- COULD I BE A COWARD AND
TAKE WALTER FUNK'S PLACE?
HE'S BACK HOME, REMEMBER?
- PLEASE, HELP US FOR THE SAKE
OF OUR SMALL FREE COUNTRY,
FRIENDLY TO THE U.S.
- I WON'T DO IT!
- FOR THE SAKE OF FREEDOM!
- I WON'T DO IT! I WON'T DO IT!
- FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SKINS,
FOR YOU WILL BOTH OTHERWISE
FACE THE FIRING SQUAD!
- HE'LL DO IT, HE'LL DO IT!
- I DID IT, I DID IT.
- WELL, IF THE LIGHT IS DIM
AND THE PEASANTS
ARE AS NEARSIGHTED
AS I SUSPECT THEY ARE, PERHAPS
THIS MASQUERADE MAY WORK.
- IT WILL WORK.
- IT'LL WORK.
- IT BETTER WORK!
- IT WILL NEVER WORK!
NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY MISTAKE
THAT STUPID-LOOKING
FACE FOR MINE!
- MY FRIENDS, MY FRIENDS!
PLEASE! WE ARE FRIGHTENING
THIS BRAVE YOUNG MAN TOO MUCH!
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- I WOULD!
- THERE IS DANGER, OF COURSE,
BUT IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT NO
UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS WILL OCCUR
AND WE WILL BE ABLE TO LOOK
BACK ON THIS ENTIRE EPISODE HAPPILY.
- I WANNA LOOK BACK
ON THE EPISODE, PERIOD.
- MAYNARD, YOU'LL BE FINE.
NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU'RE AS SAFE AS IF YOU
WERE HOME IN YOUR OWN BED.
[GUNSHOTS]
- WHY YANKED OFF THE COVERS?
I'M CUTTING OUT! LIKE,
BYE! SEE YA LATER!
WHOA!
- REACH FOR THE
CEILING! THIS IS A STICKUP!
REACH FOR THE CEILING!
THIS IS A STICKUP!
- YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.
- I DID? EXCUSE ME.
I'M NEW AT THIS RACKET.
BUT I'M NOT NEW
AT USING THIS GUN!
- SIR, IF YOU'RE THINKING OF
KIDNAPPING ME AND HOLDING ME
FOR RANSOM BECAUSE I'M
A RICH AMERICAN TOURIST...
- HMPH, PLEASE! ONE LOOK AND
I KNOW IT IS A WASTE OF TIME.
NO!
WE ARE HERE FOR GENERAL RAMÓN!
- NO!
- DO NOT TOUCH HIM!
- GENERAL, YOU ARE
COMING WITH US! MOVE!
- NO! EL TIGRE DOES
NOT TAKE ORDERS
FROM THIEVES AND
BRIGANDS. I WILL NOT MOVE!
I'M MOVING.
- DO NOT MOVE FOR 10
MINUTES AFTER WE LEAVE
OR I SHOOT GENERAL RAMÓN!
- SIR, CAN'T WE DISCUSS
THIS IN A CIVILIZED MANNER?
WHEN HUMPHREY BOGART
KIDNAPS PEOPLE ON THE LATE SHOW...
- WE'LL TAKE YOU ALONG
AS A HOSTAGE, YANKEE!
- HUH?
- YOU TELL US HOW THE HUMPHREY
BOGART PICTURE COME OUT, HUH?
WE DON'T SEE MUCH
TELEVISION DOWN HERE.
- WELL, NOW JUST A MINUTE!
HEY! WELL, IT STARTS
IN THE PRISON LAUNDRY...
- THEY GOT MY GOOD BUDDY DOBE!
- AND MY SON, THE GENERAL!
- THEY'RE THE MEN OF THE
EVIL DICTATOR, ZAPATERO.
- THE PEACE CONFERENCE
WILL BE RUINED.
- POOR DOBE! MY POOR
GOOD BUDDY DOBE!
- DO NOT FEAR TOO
GREATLY, GRINGO.
PERHAPS YOUR FRIEND
WILL NOT BE HARMED.
- HE BETTER NOT BE!
I GOTTA FIND OUT HOW THAT
BOGART MOVIE TURNED OUT.
- THIS IS THE UNIFORM
THAT MAYNARD HAD TO WEAR
TO MASQUERADE AS GENERAL
RAMÓN, THE EL TIGRE OF BOCA DOLCE.
THIS IS AN EPAULETTE.
THIS IS A BRAID.
THIS IS A BULLET HOLE.
POLITICALLY, THOSE
LATIN AMERICANS ARE,
SHALL WE SAY, VERY
ENTHUSIASTIC, ALSO VERY BAD SHOTS.
BUT MAYNARD BEHAVED BEAUTIFULLY
WHEN HE HAD TO TAKE
THE REAL RAMÓN'S PLACE.
WAS HE YELLOW?
WAS HE COWARDLY?
- YEAH, I'M YELLOW AND COWARDLY.
- NONETHELESS, YOU WILL COME
TO THE TREATY SIGNING WITH ME
AS MY SON, RAMÓN!
IT IS THE ONLY WAY!
- OH, NO. THERE'S ANOTHER
WAY, NAMELY OUT THE DOOR!
ON SECOND THOUGHT,
THERE'S ANOTHER WAY,
BACK IN THE CHAIR.
- THE MEETING WITH
EVIL DICTATOR, ZAPATERO,
WILL TAKE PLACE AT THE
BORDER IN TWO HOURS.
YOU MUST LEARN TO CARRY YOURSELF
WITH STRENGTH AND
POWER AND CONFIDENCE
OF A TRUE MILITARY LEADER!
- OOH, YEAH, GOTCHA!
- YOU MUST LOOK AND THINK LIKE
EL TIGRE, PROUD, FIERCE, FIERY!
- RIGHT! PROUD, FIERCE, FIERY!
- HE'S HOPELESS!
- I SHOOT HIM NOW. SAVE
US LOTS OF TROUBLE.
- OH, NO, NOT SO FAST!
WE MUST GIVE HIM A
CHANCE TO PROVE HIMSELF.
PERHAPS DEEP INSIDE,
HE DOES HAVE A POWERFUL
COMMAND PERSONALITY.
- HIM? HA!
- ME? HA!
- ALL RIGHT, WE TRY ONCE MORE.
- DO I HAVE TO?
- FALL IN! LET US SEE HOW YOU
GIVE THOSE SOLDIERS AN ORDER.
- AN ORDER?
- YES, ORDER! LOUD AND CLEAR!
- HAM AND CHEESE ON RYE!
- NO, NO! A COMMAND!
DRILL THEM AS IF YOU
WERE IN THE ARMY!
- NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M
NOT A DRILLING TYPE.
- OH?
- I'M THE TYPE, I'M THE TYPE.
LEFT FACE!
RIGHT FACE!
OOH, RIGHT FACE!
FORWARD, MARCH!
TO THE REAR, MARCH!
TO THE REAR, MARCH!
TO THE REAR, HUP!
TO THE REAR, HUP!
HUP, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, LEFT, LEFT.
- STOP THEM! THAT DOOR
LEADS TO THE BALCONY!
- OKAY, FELLAS. LIKE,
RELAX. TAKE FIVE!
- BRING THEM TO A STOP!
IT IS 50 FEET TO THE GROUND!
- FELLAS, LIKE,
CEASE! LIKE, DESIST!
[CRASH]
- WHY DID YOU NOT SAY HALT?
- OH, THAT'S THE WORD!
- MY SON, MY SON!
I FEAR I MISJUDGED YOU!
YOU DO HAVE THE
COMMAND PERSONALITY!
- YOU ARE TRULY
STRONG AND DYNAMIC!
- A BORN LEADER.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
SO JUST DON'T STAND
THERE, PEASANT, KNEEL.
- LISTEN, SEÑOR...
- YOU TOO, PEASANT PRESIDENT!
- SEÑOR!
Crowd: VIVA RAMÓN!
- IT IS THE PEOPLE OF THE CITY.
THEY CALL FOR THEIR
BELOVED LEADER, RAMÓN.
- THEY ASK TO SEE HIM BEFORE
HE GOES TO THE BORDER MEETING
WITH THE EVIL
DICTATOR, ZAPATERO.
THEY WANT TO WISH
HIM GOOD FORTUNE.
- WHY NOT? I, THEIR
BELOVED LEADER,
DON'T MIND GIVING A
BREAK TO THE HOI POLLOI.
- BE CAREFUL, MY SON!
- EL TIGER, THE GENERAL,
BLESS HIS SOUL, FEARS NOTHING!
FRIENDS! [GUNSHOTS]
MISSED ME!
- OH, SEÑOR, THANK
HEAVEN YOU ARE SAFE!
- CONGRATULATIONS, MY SON!
OUR PLAN IS A SUCCESS!
- THAT YOU CALL A SUCCESS?
- THE PEOPLE BELIEVE
YOU ARE TRULY RAMÓN.
- YOU SEE HOW THEY LOVE YOU.
- WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY HATE ME?
- DO NOT BE ALARMED.
IN EVERY SOCIAL GATHERING,
THERE A FEW CRITICS.
ALL THAT IS LEFT FOR YOU
IS TO APPEAR AT THE BORDER
FOR THE SIGNING OF THE TREATY.
- GOOD!
- WHERE YOU MUST PROVE TO
THE EVIL DICTATOR, ZAPATERO,
THAT YOU ARE INDEED THE
FEARLESS GENERAL RAMÓN!
- GOOD, GOOD.
- IF YOU FAIL, HE WILL
CUT YOUR THROAT.
- BAD, BAD, BAD.
- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!
BY SUNDOWN, I, EVIL
DICTATOR ZAPATERO,
SHALL BE THE RULER
OF BOCA DOLCE!
- AH, YES, MY DICTATOR.
YOU ARE EVIL, THE EVILEST
MAN IN ALL THE LAND!
- OF COURSE!
BEING EVIL IS THE ONLY
WAY TO RUN A COUNTRY!
TO RUN TWO COUNTRIES,
NOW THAT WE HAVE PUT
THAT TROUBLEMAKING
PIPSQUEAK GENERAL
RAMÓN OUT OF THE WAY!
HE IS OUT OF THE WAY, IS HE NOT?
- OH, INDEED YES,
MY EVIL DICTATOR!
I MYSELF KIDNAPPED
HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS
FROM THE PALACE THIS MORNING!
- EXCELLENTE!
- AT THIS VERY MOMENT,
HE IS BEING BROUGHT TO
THIS CAMP AS OUR PRISONER!
- MUY EXCELLENTE!
THE MOMENT HE ARRIVES, WE
SHALL ANNOUNCE THE CAPTURE
AND EXECUTION OF EL TIGRE!
- OH, THERE WILL BE PANIC IN
THE STREETS OF BOCA DOLCE!
- WE SHALL TAKE OVER
LIKE RICHMOND TO GRANT!
OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
I KNOW SO LITTLE
ABOUT FRENCH HISTORY.
AH, BUT YES, WE SHALL
RULE BOCA DOLCE!
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
- BUENO? IT'S FOR YOU.
- GOOD MORNING.
HEADQUARTERS OF EVIL
DICTATOR, ZAPATERO.
EVIL DICTATOR ZAPATERO SPEAKING.
WHAT?
GOOD!
THERE IS A SPY IN BOCA DOLCE.
THE MOTOR CAR CARRYING
PRESIDENT RUBERO
AND PARTY HAS JUST LEFT
THE PALACE AN HOUR AGO
AND HE'S ON HIS WAY
HERE FOR THE CONFERENCE.
- OH, RIGHT ON SCHEDULE
FOR THEIR DEATH!
- SHHH!
GO AHEAD, SPY, AND SPEAK SOFTLY.
OUR SNEAKY ENEMIES
MAY HAVE SPIES AROUND.
YES? WHAT?
IN THE MOTOR CAR, YOU SAW
PRESIDENTE RUBERO HIMSELF?
UH-HUH? AND HIS
DAUGHTER, GUADALUPE?
AND WHAT?
GENERAL RAMÓN?
EL TIGRE? WELL, THIS CANNOT BE!
HUH? YOU SAW HIM
WITH YOUR OWN EYES?
BUT THIS IS IMP...
HELLO! HELLO! AH, SOME SPY!
HE WAS CALLING FROM A PHONE
BOOTH AND RAN OUT OF DIMES!
WE'LL JUST HAVE
TO GET RICHER SPIES!
GONZALES, DID YOU NOT ASSURE ME
THAT GENERAL RAMÓN WAS ON
HIS WAY HERE AS OUR PRISONER?
- SI.
- BUT HE IS ON HIS WAY HERE NOW,
BUT NOT AS OUR PRISONER!
- NO!
- I TELL HIM SI, HE TELLS ME NO.
THERE'S SOMETHING
ROTTEN IN DENMARK!
- AND IT AIN'T TOO
GOOD IN BOCA DOLCE!
- GENERAL RAMÓN HAS ARRIVED!
- CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!
MISERABLE LUCK!
ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE DONE MY
BEST TO BE MEAN AND ROTTEN,
NOW THIS HAS TO HAPPEN!
CURSES, CURSES, CURSES!
AH, MY DEAR GENERAL RAMÓN,
HOW GOOD IT IS TO SEE YOU!
- SO YOU'RE THE RAT, HUH?
- DICTATOR ZAPATERO, MY
SON IS OVERCOME WITH JOY
NOW THAT OUR TREATY OF
PEACE IS ABOUT TO BE SIGNED.
- YEAH, SO LET'S GET
ON WITH IT, HUH, RAT?
- GENERAL, WELCOME!
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
WHAT ARE YOU?
SOME KIND OF THE SOUTH
OF THE BORDER NUT?
- MY BROTHER, RAMÓN,
THE DICTATOR ZAPATERO
WISHES MERELY TO EXPRESS HIS
HAPPINESS THAT YOU ARE HERE.
- WELCOME, MY GENERAL!
- OOH-HOO! OOH-HA-HOO!
OOH, YOUR BULLETS TICKLE!
- DICTATOR ZAPATERO?
THE HEROIC, EL TIGRE,
DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
CAN WE GO ON WITH THE
SIGNING OF THE TREATY?
- OH, YES, THE TREATY.
GONZALES!
- SI, MY GENERAL?
- WE'RE ABOUT TO BEGIN A MOST
SERIOUS AND SOLEMN EVENT.
PREPARE FOR THE
SIGNING CEREMONY!
- SI, MY GENERAL!
SIGNING CEREMONY ALL
PREPARED, MY GENERAL!
- SPLENDID. HERE IS THE TREATY.
- I'M READY TO SIGN.
- GOOD, GENERAL RAMÓN.
- NOW, DO YOU SPELL
"RAMÓN" WITH ONE "W" OR TWO?
- GENERAL ZAPATERO,
WE ARE HOPEFUL THAT THIS TREATY
WILL BRING PEACE TO OUR COUNTRY
AND NEVER AGAIN THERE
SHALL BE TROUBLE BETWEEN US.
- VIVA, NO MORE TROUBLE!
- RIGHT! VIVA, NO MORE TROUBLE!
- VIVA, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!
- AHA! I BEGIN TO SEE THE LIGHT!
- WHO DON'T, MY EVIL DICTATOR?
- SIR, WE CAN EXPLAIN
THIS, BADLY, OF COURSE.
- SEIZE THE CULPRITS!
- THROW THEM IN THE
PRISON COMPOUND!
- NOW THE CASUAL
OBSERVER MIGHT SAY
THAT WE'RE IN A SOMEWHAT
PRECARIOUS SPOT,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
WE'D HAVE NO TROUBLE AT ALL
BEWILDERING EVIL DICTATOR
ZAPATERO OUT OF KILLING US.
- YOU WILL NEVER BEWILDER
ME OUT OF KILLING YOU!
PREPARE THEM FOR
THE FIRING SQUAD
- DOBE, I THINK
WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
- MAYNARD, THEY'RE
GONNA SHOOT US.
- WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
- YES, WE'RE UP TO OUR
SOMBREROS IN IT, THANKS TO YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- NO, LET'S NOT FIGHT
AMONG OURSELVES.
WE MUST STICK TOGETHER.
IT IS OUR ONLY CHANCE.
- RIGHT.
- NOW I HAVE A PLAN.
- HARRY CARAY.
CARRY HARRY?
- MAYNARD!
- BERIBERI?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!
- NOW YOU SEE WHAT I GO THROUGH.
- RAMÓN, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?
- WHEN THE GUARD COMES
IN TO BRING US OUR LAST MEAL
BEFORE THEY SHOOT US...
- WE ALL STICK TOGETHER AND MAKE
SURE WE GET SECONDS ON DESSERT!
- AYE, I WILL STRANGLE THIS
STRANGE-LOOKING YANKEE!
- LET ME GO, YOU
STRANGE-LOOKING LATIN!
- NO, NO, MY SON!
WE ARE POWERLESS TO
OVERCOME OUR CAPTORS BY FORCE.
THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM!
- OUR FATHER SPEAKS THE TRUTH.
IF WE ARE TO ESCAPE ALIVE,
IT MUST BE BY THE
USE OF OUR BRAINS.
- SORRY, NOT MY LINE OF WORK.
- NAW, IT'S HOPELESS.
WE'RE DOOMED! MAYNARD,
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
- NO.
- HMM.
WELL, WHAT A WAY TO GO,
WAITING FOR A FIRING SQUAD
IN THE MUD IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE!
IT'S HOPELESS!
MAYNARD, WHO SAYS IT'S
HOPELESS? I JUST GOT AN IDEA!
- IT'S HOPELESS.
- LISTEN, IT MIGHT WORK.
IT'S ONE CHANCE IN A THOUSAND,
BUT WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO LOSE?
- SECONDS ON DESSERT.
- HMM.
- YES, DOBIE, WHAT IS YOUR IDEA?
- IT BETTER BE GOOD, YANKEE,
OR BEFORE WE DIE, I KILL YOU.
- NOW HEAR THIS.
IN ITS VERY SIMPLICITY
LIES ITS BRILLIANCE.
NOW LOOK, HERE'S WHAT WE DO...
- WHY DO WE NOT SHOOT THE
PRISONERS NOW, MY EVIL DICTATOR?
WHY MUST WE WAIT FOR THE DAWN?
- PRISONERS ARE ALWAYS
SHOT AT DAWN, YOU DONKEY!
IT IS THE CODE OF
THE EVIL DICTATORS!
[ROOSTER CROWS]
HAHA! DAWN!
THE ROOSTER'S TWO MINUTES LATE.
REMIND ME TO HAVE
HIM FOR DINNER!
BRING OUT THE PRISONERS!
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP,
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
HEP, COLUMN RIGHT!
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
SQUAD, HALT!
PRISONERS... GUESS WHAT?
- I KNOW, I KNOW! THEY'RE
ALL TO BE EXECUTED!
- WHY DID YOU HAVE TO
TELL THEM FOR, STUPIDO?
I WANTED TO KEEP
IT AS A SURPRISE!
PREPARE THE PRISONERS
FOR EXECUTION!
A LAST CIGARETTE?
A LAST DRINK?
A LAST LETTER PERHAPS, A
FAREWELL TO YOUR FAMILIES?
- YES, SIR.
- DOBE, DON'T MAKE HIM MAD.
- GONZALES! WRITE DOWN THE DYING
WORDS OF THIS VICIOUS CRIMINAL!
AND QUICKLY!
THE IMPATIENT RIFLES
OF THE FIRING SQUAD
GROW MORE IMPATIENT!
- UH, DEAR MOM AND DAD,
PLEASE DON'T BE UPSET
WHEN YOU READ THIS.
- ENOUGH ALREADY!
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
I CAN'T STAND
IS A LONG-WINDED KID!
FIRING SQUAD, WAKE UP!
IT'S SHOW TIME!
PRISONERS, WE HAVE ENJOYED
HAVING YOU HERE AS OUR GUESTS.
AND NOW WE HAVE ARRIVED
AT THE JACKPOT QUESTION:
WILL THE REAL GENERAL
RAMÓN PLEASE STEP FORWARD?
- LONG LIVE FREEDOM,
EVIL DICTATOR ZAPATERO!
YOU ARE A MURDERER!
- OH, DON'T BE SUCH
A SOREHEAD, RAMÓN.
WE ALL GOTTA GO SOMETIME.
- MARK MY WORDS, EVIL
DICTATOR ZAPATERO,
YOU MAKE KILL ONE RAMÓN...
- TWO. TWO, KIDDO, TWO.
- ALL RIGHT, TWO, BUT
ANOTHER WILL TAKE MY PLACE.
BOCA DOLCE IS FULL OF RAMÓNS.
THE JUNGLE IS FULL OF RAMÓNS.
THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.
AS FAST AS YOU SHOOT ONE,
ANOTHER WILL TAKE HIS PLACE.
- SOLDIERS! SKIP READY AND AIM
AND GO RIGHT TO FIRE ALREADY!
- NO, SOLDIERS! LOOK AROUND YOU!
THE RAMÓNS, THE EL
TIGRES, ARE EVERYWHERE.
- LIKE TRUE. LOOKEE!
- AND I TOO AM RAMÓN!
- AND I!
- AND I TOO!
- STOP! HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL!
- I'M RAMÓN!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- I AM THE TIGER!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- SHOOT! SHOOT!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- SHOOT! SHOOT!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- TIGRE!
- RAMÓN!
- TIGRE!
- RAMÓN!
- RAMÓN!
- RAMÓN - RAMÓN!
- SHOOT!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!
- LET'S GO!
- I'M THE EVIL DICTATOR!
SHOOOOT!
- FOLLOW ME!
- HEY, MAYNARD!
- HUH, OH!
- WHY, WHY DID I NOT
LISTEN TO MY FATHER
AND BECOME A TORTILLA TYCOON?
- THEREFORE, MAYNARD G. KREBS,
FOR HEROISM BEYOND
THE CALL OF DUTY,
I CONFER UPON YOU THE
BOCA DOLCE LEGION OF HONOR.
- GEE, LIKE THANKS,
YOUR EL TIGERSHIP.
YOU'RE A GREAT LATIN AMERICAN,
AND A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT.
Crowd: VIVA, EL TIGRE!
- UH, MADEMOISELLE GUADALUPE,
WITH ALL THE EXCITEMENT
THAT'S BEEN GOING ON,
WE HAVEN'T SPENT
MUCH TIME TOGETHER.
- TRUE, AND IT IS A PITY.
- YES, ISN'T IT, THOUGH?
YOUR FATHER'S
PRIVATE PLANE ISN'T DUE
TO FLY MAYNARD AND
ME HOME 'TIL TOMORROW,
SO I THOUGHT MAYBE
WE COULD, SHALL WE SAY,
DIG THE LOCAL SCENE AND
DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY?
SOUND EXCITING,
MY LITTLE SERAPE?
Crowd: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- MUCHO EXCITING, DOPIE,
BUT I FEAR MY
FIANCÉ WOULD OBJECT.
- FIANCÉ? WELL, WE
JUST WON'T TELL HIM.
- OH, I FEAR HE ALREADY KNOWS.
HE IS STANDING ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF YOU HOLDING A REVOLVER.
- HUH?
- AT YOUR SERVICE, SEÑOR.
- ADIOS.
- ADIOS.
MAYNARD, LET'S GO PACK
SO WE CAN GET OUTTA HERE
FIRST THING IN THE
MORNING. COME ON.
- HOW DARE YOU PUT
YOUR HANDS ON ME?
I'VE KILLED MEN FOR LESS!
- MAYNARD, CUT THE KIDDING!
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF
LUGGAGE TO PACK! LET'S GO.
- MUST I WARN YOU AGAIN, PIG?
ONE MORE SUCH MOVE
AND I SLIT YOUR THROAT!
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S GOT
INTO YOU? YOU'RE ACTING...
MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
IT IS YOU, ISN'T IT?
Crowd: VIVA, EL TIGRE!
- NOW, FOR THE CATS
THAT ARE REALLY IN
AND REALLY HIP, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S THELONIOUS MONK.
OF COURSE, THERE'S
MILES DAVIS TOO.
I MEAN, HE'S LIKE FAR OUT,
BUT FOR A LYRICAL STYLE,
YOU GOTTA REALLY DIG HIM TOO.
TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP, HEP,
TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP,
HEP TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP
COLUMN RIGHT!
HEP TWO, THREE, FOUR,
HEP TWO, THREE, FOUR,
SQUAD, HALT! RIGHT FACE!
CORPORAL, PREPARE THE
PRISONERS FOR EXECUTION!
- A LAST CIGARETTE?
A LAST DRINK?
A LAST LETTER PERHAPS?
A FAREWELL TO YOUR FAMILIES?
GONZALES?
WRITE DOWN THE DYING
WORDS OF THIS VICIOUS CRIMINAL!
AND QUICKLY!
THE RIFLES OF THE FIRING
SQUAD GROW IMPATIENT!
- DEAR, MOM AND DAD,
PLEASE DON'T BE UPSET
WHEN YOU READ THIS,
BUT I'M AFRAID I WON'T BE ABLE
TO GET BACK IN TIME FOR SCHOOL.
YOU SEE, THROUGH A RATHER
ODD CHAIN OF CIRCUMSTANCES,
I NOW FIND MYSELF MORE OR LESS
STONE COLD DEAD IN THE JUNGLE.
[JAZZ THEME]
- THE STARK, HARD-HITTING DRAMA
YOU ARE ABOUT
TO WITNESS IS TRUE.
NOT EVEN THE NAMES HAVE BEEN
CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
BECAUSE IN THIS TALE OF
INTRIGUE AND HIGH ADVENTURE,
EVERYBODY'S GUILTY.
IT ALL STARTED WHEN MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS, AND I
DECIDED TO TAKE A VACATION
IN THE PICTURESQUE LATIN
AMERICAN REPUBLIC OF BOCA DOLCE.
THE TRIP TO OUR EXOTIC
VACATION SPOT WAS EXCITING.
THE COUNTRY WE FLEW
OVER WAS MAGNIFICENT
AND BOCA DOLCE ITSELF WAS...
A MESS, A HORRIBLE,
UNSPEAKABLE, SPOOKY MESS!
MAYNARD, THE LAST TIME
I SAW ANYTHING LIKE THIS,
JOHN WAYNE HAD JUST
ABANDONED IT TO THE INDIANS!
HOW DID TWO NICE
FELLAS LIKE... MAYNARD?
MAYNARD, GET OVER HERE WITH
THE DONKEY AND OUR BAGGAGE!
- HEY, DOBE, WHO'S SUPPOSED TO
CARRY THE SUITCASES AND LUGGAGE?
ME OR THE DONKEY?
- THE DONKEY, MAYNARD,
AND STOP ACTING SILLY!
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!
YOU SEE, DONKEY?
YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!
- MAYNARD, I'M... I'M SCARED.
I'VE GOT THE FEELING
THAT SOMEBODY OR
SOMETHING'S WATCHING US.
- YEAH, THE DONKEY.
- NO, I MEAN SOMEONE STRANGE
AND MYSTERIOUS AND DANGEROUS.
- HERNANDEZ, BEHOLD
THAT AMERICANO.
- I BEHOLD, GUADALUPE.
- IT IS TO BE AMAZED.
HERNANDEZ, YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO - SI.
- I SHALL TAKE CARE
OF HIM MYSELF, GOOD.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS
ABSOLUTELY THE UGLIEST PLACE
I'VE EVER SEEN.
EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS UGLY,
UGLY, UGLY... HELLO, BEAUTIFUL!
- HEY, DOBE, YOU
BETTER WATCH IT.
YOU BEEN OUT HERE IN
THE JUNGLE TOO LONG
IF I'M STARTING TO
LOOK BEAUTIFUL TO YOU.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
MUCHOS GRACIOS, FRAULEIN.
I AM DOBIE GILLIS
AT YOUR SERVICE.
- DO ME THE HONOR TO LOSE
YOURSELF, YANKEE, PRONTO!
- THIS MAY BE TOUGH,
MAYNARD. SHE HATES AMERICANS.
- HEY, HANDSOME GRINGO.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A
GLASS OF TEQUILA WITH ME?
- I'M SORRY. I DON'T ACCEPT
GIFTS FROM STRANGERS.
- WELL, THIS ONE NEVER
EVEN HEARD OF FEMALE WILES.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
- YEAH, MADEMOISELLE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
FORGIVE MY FRIEND.
HE'S A LITTLE BACKWARD.
- HE IS A LOT BACKWARD. VAMOS!
- I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
AM QUITE FORWARD.
- AND I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
KNOW HE'S GONNA STRIKE OUT.
- BELIEVE ME, MY GUAPA, I'M...
- DOBE! DOBE!
HEY, DOBE? DOBE?
DOBE!
- QUICKLY, HERNANDEZ! WE'LL
TAKE THEM TO THE PALACE.
THEY ARE UNCONSCIOUS.
- WITH THIS ONE,
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
- AH, THEY ARE
BECOMING CONSCIOUS.
- I REPEAT, WITH THIS
ONE, HOW CAN YOU TELL?
- OH, WHERE AM I?
- OOH, WHAT AM I?
- FORGIVE US, YOUNG GENTLEMEN.
I TRUST YOU WERE NOT
INCONVENIENCED TOO GREATLY,
BUT IT WAS THE ONLY WAY.
- HEY, WHAT ARE WE
DOING HERE? I WANNA COP!
- I WANT THE FBI!
- I WANT THE AMERICAN
AMBASSADOR!
- I WANT MY MOTHER!
[CRIES]
- SILENCE!
YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE
OF OUR ESTEEMED PRESIDENT.
- MY ESTEEMED FATHER.
- HARRY TRUMAN!
- MAYNARD...
- I AM CARLOS RUBERO,
EL PRESIDENTE OF THE
REPUBLIC OF BOCA DOLCE!
- THE PRESIDENT! WOW!
WE ARE HONORED, SIR.
- RIGHT! I MEAN, AIN'T MANY
FELLOWS GET KIDNAPPED
BY A LOWDOWN RAT WHO
HAPPENS TO BE PRESIDENT!
- I COULD KILL THIS YANKEE PIG!
- NO, HERNANDEZ! HE
DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
WHAT HE IS SAYING.
- YOUNG VISITORS, YOU'VE BEEN
BROUGHT HERE TO THE PALACE
FOR A VERY SIMPLE REASON.
YOU SEE, I AM THE POLITICAL
LEADER OF OUR COUNTRY,
BUT THE MAN WHO TRULY LEADS
US IS OUR GREAT MILITARY HERO,
GENERAL RAMÓN!
- VIVA, RAMÓN! All: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- WHOM WE CALL
EL TIGRE, THE TIGER.
- VIVA, EL TIGRE!
All: VIVA, EL TIGRE!
- HE IS OUR CHIEFTAIN,
OUR SYMBOL OF STRENGTH!
- MY BROTHER, RAMÓN!
All: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- MY SON, THE GENERAL!
- YOU RANG, MY FATHER?
- VIVA, RAMÓN! All: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- THAT IS GENERAL RAMÓN?
- EL TIGRE!
- ODD-LOOKING FELLOW, AIN'T HE?
- THEY CONSTRUCT THESE
YANKEES IN PECULIAR WAYS,
DO THEY NOT?
- MAYNARD, DON'T YOU SEE?
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- OBSERVE CLOSELY.
HE'S YOUR EXACT IMAGE.
- EL? QUE CHISTE.
- THAT MEANS HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- IF FIGURED, I FIGURED.
- THE TROOPS ARE READY
FOR INSPECTION, SIR.
- YOU SEE THE GREAT
ADVANTAGES TO US
OF FINDING A MAN WHO RESEMBLES
SO CLOSELY TO OUR GENERAL RAMÓN.
- YEAH, I'M STARTING TO GET IT.
IF MAYNARD PUTS ON A UNIFORM,
HE COULD TAKE THE
GENERAL'S PLACE
AT IMPORTANT
GOVERNMENT BANQUETS.
- GOOD, GOOD!
- AT PARADES.
- GOOD, GOOD!
- WHEN TRAITORS
TRY TO SHOOT HIM!
- BAD, BAD.
- YOU MUST HELP US, SEÑOR.
- MAYNARD, I THINK IT'D BE
A FINE PATRIOTIC GESTURE
IF YOU DID THESE
NICE PEOPLE A FAVOR.
- YOU WILL BE CARRYING OUT
THE GOOD NEIGHBOR POLICY.
- IF THEY DON'T
CARRY ME OUT FIRST!
- MAYNARD?
- THE ONLY NEIGHBOR I WANNA
BE GOOD TO IS WALTER FUNK.
HE LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME BACK
HOME AND I'M LONESOME FOR HIM.
- MAYNARD? EXCUSE ME.
MAYNARD, WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU?
- NOTHING YET, BUT I'M
SCARED IT MIGHT BE BULLETS!
- THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
THERE'S VERY LITTLE CHANCE
THAT ANYBODY WILL
TRY TO SHOOT YOU.
RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT?
- WRONG, YOUNG VISITOR!
- WRONG, YOUNG VISITOR?
- ALAS, YES. I MUST BE HONEST
WITH YOUR FRIEND HERE.
IF HE TAKES THE PLACE OF
OUR GENERAL RAMÓN IN PUBLIC,
HE FACES GRAVE DANGER.
- NO, HE DON'T! 'CAUSE
HE AIN'T GONNA BE HERE!
- YOU SEE, IN A FEW DAYS,
WE GO TO THE BORDER
TO SIGN A TREATY OF PEACE
WITH GENERAL ZAPATERO.
Soldiers: ZAPATERO, BOO!
- ZAPATERO IS THE EVIL
DICTATOR OF RATON GRANDE,
OUR EVIL NEIGHBOR TO THE WEST.
THEY WOULD SWALLOW UP
OUR SMALL FREE COUNTRY,
FRIENDLY TO THE U.S., IF WE
WERE NOT STRONG AND UNITED
BEHIND OUR BRAVE LEADER, RAMÓN.
Soldiers: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- THAT IS WHY THE EVIL
DICTATOR ZAPATERO
MAY TRY TO ASSASSINATE RAMÓN!
- THAT AIN'T FRIENDLY.
- THAT IS WHY YOU MUST BE
A HERO AND TAKE HIS PLACE.
- COULD I BE A COWARD AND
TAKE WALTER FUNK'S PLACE?
HE'S BACK HOME, REMEMBER?
- PLEASE, HELP US FOR THE SAKE
OF OUR SMALL FREE COUNTRY,
FRIENDLY TO THE U.S.
- I WON'T DO IT!
- FOR THE SAKE OF FREEDOM!
- I WON'T DO IT! I WON'T DO IT!
- FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SKINS,
FOR YOU WILL BOTH OTHERWISE
FACE THE FIRING SQUAD!
- HE'LL DO IT, HE'LL DO IT!
- I DID IT, I DID IT.
- WELL, IF THE LIGHT IS DIM
AND THE PEASANTS
ARE AS NEARSIGHTED
AS I SUSPECT THEY ARE, PERHAPS
THIS MASQUERADE MAY WORK.
- IT WILL WORK.
- IT'LL WORK.
- IT BETTER WORK!
- IT WILL NEVER WORK!
NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY MISTAKE
THAT STUPID-LOOKING
FACE FOR MINE!
- MY FRIENDS, MY FRIENDS!
PLEASE! WE ARE FRIGHTENING
THIS BRAVE YOUNG MAN TOO MUCH!
- OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
- I WOULD!
- THERE IS DANGER, OF COURSE,
BUT IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE THAT NO
UNFORTUNATE INCIDENTS WILL OCCUR
AND WE WILL BE ABLE TO LOOK
BACK ON THIS ENTIRE EPISODE HAPPILY.
- I WANNA LOOK BACK
ON THE EPISODE, PERIOD.
- MAYNARD, YOU'LL BE FINE.
NOTHING'S GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU'RE AS SAFE AS IF YOU
WERE HOME IN YOUR OWN BED.
[GUNSHOTS]
- WHY YANKED OFF THE COVERS?
I'M CUTTING OUT! LIKE,
BYE! SEE YA LATER!
WHOA!
- REACH FOR THE
CEILING! THIS IS A STICKUP!
REACH FOR THE CEILING!
THIS IS A STICKUP!
- YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.
- I DID? EXCUSE ME.
I'M NEW AT THIS RACKET.
BUT I'M NOT NEW
AT USING THIS GUN!
- SIR, IF YOU'RE THINKING OF
KIDNAPPING ME AND HOLDING ME
FOR RANSOM BECAUSE I'M
A RICH AMERICAN TOURIST...
- HMPH, PLEASE! ONE LOOK AND
I KNOW IT IS A WASTE OF TIME.
NO!
WE ARE HERE FOR GENERAL RAMÓN!
- NO!
- DO NOT TOUCH HIM!
- GENERAL, YOU ARE
COMING WITH US! MOVE!
- NO! EL TIGRE DOES
NOT TAKE ORDERS
FROM THIEVES AND
BRIGANDS. I WILL NOT MOVE!
I'M MOVING.
- DO NOT MOVE FOR 10
MINUTES AFTER WE LEAVE
OR I SHOOT GENERAL RAMÓN!
- SIR, CAN'T WE DISCUSS
THIS IN A CIVILIZED MANNER?
WHEN HUMPHREY BOGART
KIDNAPS PEOPLE ON THE LATE SHOW...
- WE'LL TAKE YOU ALONG
AS A HOSTAGE, YANKEE!
- HUH?
- YOU TELL US HOW THE HUMPHREY
BOGART PICTURE COME OUT, HUH?
WE DON'T SEE MUCH
TELEVISION DOWN HERE.
- WELL, NOW JUST A MINUTE!
HEY! WELL, IT STARTS
IN THE PRISON LAUNDRY...
- THEY GOT MY GOOD BUDDY DOBE!
- AND MY SON, THE GENERAL!
- THEY'RE THE MEN OF THE
EVIL DICTATOR, ZAPATERO.
- THE PEACE CONFERENCE
WILL BE RUINED.
- POOR DOBE! MY POOR
GOOD BUDDY DOBE!
- DO NOT FEAR TOO
GREATLY, GRINGO.
PERHAPS YOUR FRIEND
WILL NOT BE HARMED.
- HE BETTER NOT BE!
I GOTTA FIND OUT HOW THAT
BOGART MOVIE TURNED OUT.
- THIS IS THE UNIFORM
THAT MAYNARD HAD TO WEAR
TO MASQUERADE AS GENERAL
RAMÓN, THE EL TIGRE OF BOCA DOLCE.
THIS IS AN EPAULETTE.
THIS IS A BRAID.
THIS IS A BULLET HOLE.
POLITICALLY, THOSE
LATIN AMERICANS ARE,
SHALL WE SAY, VERY
ENTHUSIASTIC, ALSO VERY BAD SHOTS.
BUT MAYNARD BEHAVED BEAUTIFULLY
WHEN HE HAD TO TAKE
THE REAL RAMÓN'S PLACE.
WAS HE YELLOW?
WAS HE COWARDLY?
- YEAH, I'M YELLOW AND COWARDLY.
- NONETHELESS, YOU WILL COME
TO THE TREATY SIGNING WITH ME
AS MY SON, RAMÓN!
IT IS THE ONLY WAY!
- OH, NO. THERE'S ANOTHER
WAY, NAMELY OUT THE DOOR!
ON SECOND THOUGHT,
THERE'S ANOTHER WAY,
BACK IN THE CHAIR.
- THE MEETING WITH
EVIL DICTATOR, ZAPATERO,
WILL TAKE PLACE AT THE
BORDER IN TWO HOURS.
YOU MUST LEARN TO CARRY YOURSELF
WITH STRENGTH AND
POWER AND CONFIDENCE
OF A TRUE MILITARY LEADER!
- OOH, YEAH, GOTCHA!
- YOU MUST LOOK AND THINK LIKE
EL TIGRE, PROUD, FIERCE, FIERY!
- RIGHT! PROUD, FIERCE, FIERY!
- HE'S HOPELESS!
- I SHOOT HIM NOW. SAVE
US LOTS OF TROUBLE.
- OH, NO, NOT SO FAST!
WE MUST GIVE HIM A
CHANCE TO PROVE HIMSELF.
PERHAPS DEEP INSIDE,
HE DOES HAVE A POWERFUL
COMMAND PERSONALITY.
- HIM? HA!
- ME? HA!
- ALL RIGHT, WE TRY ONCE MORE.
- DO I HAVE TO?
- FALL IN! LET US SEE HOW YOU
GIVE THOSE SOLDIERS AN ORDER.
- AN ORDER?
- YES, ORDER! LOUD AND CLEAR!
- HAM AND CHEESE ON RYE!
- NO, NO! A COMMAND!
DRILL THEM AS IF YOU
WERE IN THE ARMY!
- NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M
NOT A DRILLING TYPE.
- OH?
- I'M THE TYPE, I'M THE TYPE.
LEFT FACE!
RIGHT FACE!
OOH, RIGHT FACE!
FORWARD, MARCH!
TO THE REAR, MARCH!
TO THE REAR, MARCH!
TO THE REAR, HUP!
TO THE REAR, HUP!
HUP, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, LEFT, LEFT.
- STOP THEM! THAT DOOR
LEADS TO THE BALCONY!
- OKAY, FELLAS. LIKE,
RELAX. TAKE FIVE!
- BRING THEM TO A STOP!
IT IS 50 FEET TO THE GROUND!
- FELLAS, LIKE,
CEASE! LIKE, DESIST!
[CRASH]
- WHY DID YOU NOT SAY HALT?
- OH, THAT'S THE WORD!
- MY SON, MY SON!
I FEAR I MISJUDGED YOU!
YOU DO HAVE THE
COMMAND PERSONALITY!
- YOU ARE TRULY
STRONG AND DYNAMIC!
- A BORN LEADER.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
SO JUST DON'T STAND
THERE, PEASANT, KNEEL.
- LISTEN, SEÑOR...
- YOU TOO, PEASANT PRESIDENT!
- SEÑOR!
Crowd: VIVA RAMÓN!
- IT IS THE PEOPLE OF THE CITY.
THEY CALL FOR THEIR
BELOVED LEADER, RAMÓN.
- THEY ASK TO SEE HIM BEFORE
HE GOES TO THE BORDER MEETING
WITH THE EVIL
DICTATOR, ZAPATERO.
THEY WANT TO WISH
HIM GOOD FORTUNE.
- WHY NOT? I, THEIR
BELOVED LEADER,
DON'T MIND GIVING A
BREAK TO THE HOI POLLOI.
- BE CAREFUL, MY SON!
- EL TIGER, THE GENERAL,
BLESS HIS SOUL, FEARS NOTHING!
FRIENDS! [GUNSHOTS]
MISSED ME!
- OH, SEÑOR, THANK
HEAVEN YOU ARE SAFE!
- CONGRATULATIONS, MY SON!
OUR PLAN IS A SUCCESS!
- THAT YOU CALL A SUCCESS?
- THE PEOPLE BELIEVE
YOU ARE TRULY RAMÓN.
- YOU SEE HOW THEY LOVE YOU.
- WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY HATE ME?
- DO NOT BE ALARMED.
IN EVERY SOCIAL GATHERING,
THERE A FEW CRITICS.
ALL THAT IS LEFT FOR YOU
IS TO APPEAR AT THE BORDER
FOR THE SIGNING OF THE TREATY.
- GOOD!
- WHERE YOU MUST PROVE TO
THE EVIL DICTATOR, ZAPATERO,
THAT YOU ARE INDEED THE
FEARLESS GENERAL RAMÓN!
- GOOD, GOOD.
- IF YOU FAIL, HE WILL
CUT YOUR THROAT.
- BAD, BAD, BAD.
- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD!
BY SUNDOWN, I, EVIL
DICTATOR ZAPATERO,
SHALL BE THE RULER
OF BOCA DOLCE!
- AH, YES, MY DICTATOR.
YOU ARE EVIL, THE EVILEST
MAN IN ALL THE LAND!
- OF COURSE!
BEING EVIL IS THE ONLY
WAY TO RUN A COUNTRY!
TO RUN TWO COUNTRIES,
NOW THAT WE HAVE PUT
THAT TROUBLEMAKING
PIPSQUEAK GENERAL
RAMÓN OUT OF THE WAY!
HE IS OUT OF THE WAY, IS HE NOT?
- OH, INDEED YES,
MY EVIL DICTATOR!
I MYSELF KIDNAPPED
HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS
FROM THE PALACE THIS MORNING!
- EXCELLENTE!
- AT THIS VERY MOMENT,
HE IS BEING BROUGHT TO
THIS CAMP AS OUR PRISONER!
- MUY EXCELLENTE!
THE MOMENT HE ARRIVES, WE
SHALL ANNOUNCE THE CAPTURE
AND EXECUTION OF EL TIGRE!
- OH, THERE WILL BE PANIC IN
THE STREETS OF BOCA DOLCE!
- WE SHALL TAKE OVER
LIKE RICHMOND TO GRANT!
OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
I KNOW SO LITTLE
ABOUT FRENCH HISTORY.
AH, BUT YES, WE SHALL
RULE BOCA DOLCE!
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
- BUENO? IT'S FOR YOU.
- GOOD MORNING.
HEADQUARTERS OF EVIL
DICTATOR, ZAPATERO.
EVIL DICTATOR ZAPATERO SPEAKING.
WHAT?
GOOD!
THERE IS A SPY IN BOCA DOLCE.
THE MOTOR CAR CARRYING
PRESIDENT RUBERO
AND PARTY HAS JUST LEFT
THE PALACE AN HOUR AGO
AND HE'S ON HIS WAY
HERE FOR THE CONFERENCE.
- OH, RIGHT ON SCHEDULE
FOR THEIR DEATH!
- SHHH!
GO AHEAD, SPY, AND SPEAK SOFTLY.
OUR SNEAKY ENEMIES
MAY HAVE SPIES AROUND.
YES? WHAT?
IN THE MOTOR CAR, YOU SAW
PRESIDENTE RUBERO HIMSELF?
UH-HUH? AND HIS
DAUGHTER, GUADALUPE?
AND WHAT?
GENERAL RAMÓN?
EL TIGRE? WELL, THIS CANNOT BE!
HUH? YOU SAW HIM
WITH YOUR OWN EYES?
BUT THIS IS IMP...
HELLO! HELLO! AH, SOME SPY!
HE WAS CALLING FROM A PHONE
BOOTH AND RAN OUT OF DIMES!
WE'LL JUST HAVE
TO GET RICHER SPIES!
GONZALES, DID YOU NOT ASSURE ME
THAT GENERAL RAMÓN WAS ON
HIS WAY HERE AS OUR PRISONER?
- SI.
- BUT HE IS ON HIS WAY HERE NOW,
BUT NOT AS OUR PRISONER!
- NO!
- I TELL HIM SI, HE TELLS ME NO.
THERE'S SOMETHING
ROTTEN IN DENMARK!
- AND IT AIN'T TOO
GOOD IN BOCA DOLCE!
- GENERAL RAMÓN HAS ARRIVED!
- CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!
MISERABLE LUCK!
ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE DONE MY
BEST TO BE MEAN AND ROTTEN,
NOW THIS HAS TO HAPPEN!
CURSES, CURSES, CURSES!
AH, MY DEAR GENERAL RAMÓN,
HOW GOOD IT IS TO SEE YOU!
- SO YOU'RE THE RAT, HUH?
- DICTATOR ZAPATERO, MY
SON IS OVERCOME WITH JOY
NOW THAT OUR TREATY OF
PEACE IS ABOUT TO BE SIGNED.
- YEAH, SO LET'S GET
ON WITH IT, HUH, RAT?
- GENERAL, WELCOME!
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T!
WHAT ARE YOU?
SOME KIND OF THE SOUTH
OF THE BORDER NUT?
- MY BROTHER, RAMÓN,
THE DICTATOR ZAPATERO
WISHES MERELY TO EXPRESS HIS
HAPPINESS THAT YOU ARE HERE.
- WELCOME, MY GENERAL!
- OOH-HOO! OOH-HA-HOO!
OOH, YOUR BULLETS TICKLE!
- DICTATOR ZAPATERO?
THE HEROIC, EL TIGRE,
DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
CAN WE GO ON WITH THE
SIGNING OF THE TREATY?
- OH, YES, THE TREATY.
GONZALES!
- SI, MY GENERAL?
- WE'RE ABOUT TO BEGIN A MOST
SERIOUS AND SOLEMN EVENT.
PREPARE FOR THE
SIGNING CEREMONY!
- SI, MY GENERAL!
SIGNING CEREMONY ALL
PREPARED, MY GENERAL!
- SPLENDID. HERE IS THE TREATY.
- I'M READY TO SIGN.
- GOOD, GENERAL RAMÓN.
- NOW, DO YOU SPELL
"RAMÓN" WITH ONE "W" OR TWO?
- GENERAL ZAPATERO,
WE ARE HOPEFUL THAT THIS TREATY
WILL BRING PEACE TO OUR COUNTRY
AND NEVER AGAIN THERE
SHALL BE TROUBLE BETWEEN US.
- VIVA, NO MORE TROUBLE!
- RIGHT! VIVA, NO MORE TROUBLE!
- VIVA, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!
- AHA! I BEGIN TO SEE THE LIGHT!
- WHO DON'T, MY EVIL DICTATOR?
- SIR, WE CAN EXPLAIN
THIS, BADLY, OF COURSE.
- SEIZE THE CULPRITS!
- THROW THEM IN THE
PRISON COMPOUND!
- NOW THE CASUAL
OBSERVER MIGHT SAY
THAT WE'RE IN A SOMEWHAT
PRECARIOUS SPOT,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
WE'D HAVE NO TROUBLE AT ALL
BEWILDERING EVIL DICTATOR
ZAPATERO OUT OF KILLING US.
- YOU WILL NEVER BEWILDER
ME OUT OF KILLING YOU!
PREPARE THEM FOR
THE FIRING SQUAD
- DOBE, I THINK
WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
- MAYNARD, THEY'RE
GONNA SHOOT US.
- WE'RE IN TROUBLE.
- YES, WE'RE UP TO OUR
SOMBREROS IN IT, THANKS TO YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- NO, LET'S NOT FIGHT
AMONG OURSELVES.
WE MUST STICK TOGETHER.
IT IS OUR ONLY CHANCE.
- RIGHT.
- NOW I HAVE A PLAN.
- HARRY CARAY.
CARRY HARRY?
- MAYNARD!
- BERIBERI?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!
- NOW YOU SEE WHAT I GO THROUGH.
- RAMÓN, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?
- WHEN THE GUARD COMES
IN TO BRING US OUR LAST MEAL
BEFORE THEY SHOOT US...
- WE ALL STICK TOGETHER AND MAKE
SURE WE GET SECONDS ON DESSERT!
- AYE, I WILL STRANGLE THIS
STRANGE-LOOKING YANKEE!
- LET ME GO, YOU
STRANGE-LOOKING LATIN!
- NO, NO, MY SON!
WE ARE POWERLESS TO
OVERCOME OUR CAPTORS BY FORCE.
THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM!
- OUR FATHER SPEAKS THE TRUTH.
IF WE ARE TO ESCAPE ALIVE,
IT MUST BE BY THE
USE OF OUR BRAINS.
- SORRY, NOT MY LINE OF WORK.
- NAW, IT'S HOPELESS.
WE'RE DOOMED! MAYNARD,
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
- NO.
- HMM.
WELL, WHAT A WAY TO GO,
WAITING FOR A FIRING SQUAD
IN THE MUD IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE!
IT'S HOPELESS!
MAYNARD, WHO SAYS IT'S
HOPELESS? I JUST GOT AN IDEA!
- IT'S HOPELESS.
- LISTEN, IT MIGHT WORK.
IT'S ONE CHANCE IN A THOUSAND,
BUT WHAT HAVE WE GOT TO LOSE?
- SECONDS ON DESSERT.
- HMM.
- YES, DOBIE, WHAT IS YOUR IDEA?
- IT BETTER BE GOOD, YANKEE,
OR BEFORE WE DIE, I KILL YOU.
- NOW HEAR THIS.
IN ITS VERY SIMPLICITY
LIES ITS BRILLIANCE.
NOW LOOK, HERE'S WHAT WE DO...
- WHY DO WE NOT SHOOT THE
PRISONERS NOW, MY EVIL DICTATOR?
WHY MUST WE WAIT FOR THE DAWN?
- PRISONERS ARE ALWAYS
SHOT AT DAWN, YOU DONKEY!
IT IS THE CODE OF
THE EVIL DICTATORS!
[ROOSTER CROWS]
HAHA! DAWN!
THE ROOSTER'S TWO MINUTES LATE.
REMIND ME TO HAVE
HIM FOR DINNER!
BRING OUT THE PRISONERS!
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR, HEP, HEP,
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
HEP, COLUMN RIGHT!
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
HEP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
SQUAD, HALT!
PRISONERS... GUESS WHAT?
- I KNOW, I KNOW! THEY'RE
ALL TO BE EXECUTED!
- WHY DID YOU HAVE TO
TELL THEM FOR, STUPIDO?
I WANTED TO KEEP
IT AS A SURPRISE!
PREPARE THE PRISONERS
FOR EXECUTION!
A LAST CIGARETTE?
A LAST DRINK?
A LAST LETTER PERHAPS, A
FAREWELL TO YOUR FAMILIES?
- YES, SIR.
- DOBE, DON'T MAKE HIM MAD.
- GONZALES! WRITE DOWN THE DYING
WORDS OF THIS VICIOUS CRIMINAL!
AND QUICKLY!
THE IMPATIENT RIFLES
OF THE FIRING SQUAD
GROW MORE IMPATIENT!
- UH, DEAR MOM AND DAD,
PLEASE DON'T BE UPSET
WHEN YOU READ THIS.
- ENOUGH ALREADY!
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
I CAN'T STAND
IS A LONG-WINDED KID!
FIRING SQUAD, WAKE UP!
IT'S SHOW TIME!
PRISONERS, WE HAVE ENJOYED
HAVING YOU HERE AS OUR GUESTS.
AND NOW WE HAVE ARRIVED
AT THE JACKPOT QUESTION:
WILL THE REAL GENERAL
RAMÓN PLEASE STEP FORWARD?
- LONG LIVE FREEDOM,
EVIL DICTATOR ZAPATERO!
YOU ARE A MURDERER!
- OH, DON'T BE SUCH
A SOREHEAD, RAMÓN.
WE ALL GOTTA GO SOMETIME.
- MARK MY WORDS, EVIL
DICTATOR ZAPATERO,
YOU MAKE KILL ONE RAMÓN...
- TWO. TWO, KIDDO, TWO.
- ALL RIGHT, TWO, BUT
ANOTHER WILL TAKE MY PLACE.
BOCA DOLCE IS FULL OF RAMÓNS.
THE JUNGLE IS FULL OF RAMÓNS.
THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.
AS FAST AS YOU SHOOT ONE,
ANOTHER WILL TAKE HIS PLACE.
- SOLDIERS! SKIP READY AND AIM
AND GO RIGHT TO FIRE ALREADY!
- NO, SOLDIERS! LOOK AROUND YOU!
THE RAMÓNS, THE EL
TIGRES, ARE EVERYWHERE.
- LIKE TRUE. LOOKEE!
- AND I TOO AM RAMÓN!
- AND I!
- AND I TOO!
- STOP! HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL!
- I'M RAMÓN!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- I AM THE TIGER!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- SHOOT! SHOOT!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- SHOOT! SHOOT!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- TIGRE!
- RAMÓN!
- TIGRE!
- RAMÓN!
- RAMÓN!
- RAMÓN - RAMÓN!
- SHOOT!
- I AM RAMÓN!
- SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!
- LET'S GO!
- I'M THE EVIL DICTATOR!
SHOOOOT!
- FOLLOW ME!
- HEY, MAYNARD!
- HUH, OH!
- WHY, WHY DID I NOT
LISTEN TO MY FATHER
AND BECOME A TORTILLA TYCOON?
- THEREFORE, MAYNARD G. KREBS,
FOR HEROISM BEYOND
THE CALL OF DUTY,
I CONFER UPON YOU THE
BOCA DOLCE LEGION OF HONOR.
- GEE, LIKE THANKS,
YOUR EL TIGERSHIP.
YOU'RE A GREAT LATIN AMERICAN,
AND A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT.
Crowd: VIVA, EL TIGRE!
- UH, MADEMOISELLE GUADALUPE,
WITH ALL THE EXCITEMENT
THAT'S BEEN GOING ON,
WE HAVEN'T SPENT
MUCH TIME TOGETHER.
- TRUE, AND IT IS A PITY.
- YES, ISN'T IT, THOUGH?
YOUR FATHER'S
PRIVATE PLANE ISN'T DUE
TO FLY MAYNARD AND
ME HOME 'TIL TOMORROW,
SO I THOUGHT MAYBE
WE COULD, SHALL WE SAY,
DIG THE LOCAL SCENE AND
DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY?
SOUND EXCITING,
MY LITTLE SERAPE?
Crowd: VIVA, RAMÓN!
- MUCHO EXCITING, DOPIE,
BUT I FEAR MY
FIANCÉ WOULD OBJECT.
- FIANCÉ? WELL, WE
JUST WON'T TELL HIM.
- OH, I FEAR HE ALREADY KNOWS.
HE IS STANDING ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF YOU HOLDING A REVOLVER.
- HUH?
- AT YOUR SERVICE, SEÑOR.
- ADIOS.
- ADIOS.
MAYNARD, LET'S GO PACK
SO WE CAN GET OUTTA HERE
FIRST THING IN THE
MORNING. COME ON.
- HOW DARE YOU PUT
YOUR HANDS ON ME?
I'VE KILLED MEN FOR LESS!
- MAYNARD, CUT THE KIDDING!
WE'VE GOT A LOT OF
LUGGAGE TO PACK! LET'S GO.
- MUST I WARN YOU AGAIN, PIG?
ONE MORE SUCH MOVE
AND I SLIT YOUR THROAT!
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S GOT
INTO YOU? YOU'RE ACTING...
MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
IT IS YOU, ISN'T IT?
Crowd: VIVA, EL TIGRE!
- NOW, FOR THE CATS
THAT ARE REALLY IN
AND REALLY HIP, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S THELONIOUS MONK.
OF COURSE, THERE'S
MILES DAVIS TOO.
I MEAN, HE'S LIKE FAR OUT,
BUT FOR A LYRICAL STYLE,
YOU GOTTA REALLY DIG HIM TOO.