The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 22 - Thanks for the Memory - full transcript
After the several thousand times that Zelda has tried to nab Dobie as her guy, Dobie finally relents. But this time, Zelda turns him down. Why?: because she feels he will always be a dead weight in her life, pulling in an opposite direction from her. Zelda changes her mind after a beautiful young and wealthy woman named Claypool enters their class, she who wants Dobie for exactly the reason that Zelda didn't want him. Dobie is in a conundrum as he can choose Claypool, a beautiful woman he loves at first sight but will be relatively useless to him otherwise, or Zelda, a woman he doesn't love but can be of great use to him in a fundamental sense. Their assignment for Dr. Burkhart's class on how people know things and a wayward elephant may help both Dobie and Zelda figure out what and who they really want.
- THIS IS AN ELEPHANT.
IT HAS FOUR LEGS,
TWO EARS, ONE TRUNK,
AND EATS LIKE A HORSE.
AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE
THE STRANGE, WEIRD THINGS
THAT ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
ZELDA? ZELDA?
- YES, POOPSIE?
- I HAVE AN
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
- YES, POOPSIE?
- YOU BETTER SIT DOWN FOR THIS.
- YES, POOPSIE.
- ZELDA, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN AFTER ME TO BE YOUR FELLOW?
- SINCE WE WERE
BOTH IN KINDERGARTEN.
- AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TURNED YOU DOWN?
- 36,408.
- BUT YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN DISCOURAGED, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT
NO MATTER HOW I STRUGGLE,
YOU'LL GET ME IN THE END, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT I
WAS THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD
FOR YOU, AND THAT
YOU MEAN TO HAVE ME,
SO I MIGHT AS WELL
QUIT FIGHTING, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- ALL RIGHT, ZELDA.
HERE'S MY ANNOUNCEMENT.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
- YES, POOPSIE.
- I MEAN, ARE YOU
SITTING FIRMLY?
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
KEEL OVER OR ANYTHING.
- YES, POOPSIE.
- ZELDA, TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
ZELDA, I SURRENDER.
I QUIT. I'M YOURS.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO FAINT OR ANYTHING?
YES SIR, ZELDA, YOUR
LONG CHASE IS OVER.
I'M THROUGH RUNNING,
YOU'VE GOT ME AT LAST.
WELL, ZELDA, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- WHO NEEDS YOU?
- ZELDA, I KNOW
YOU'RE ALL CHOKED UP...
WHAT?
[JAZZ THEME]
- I'M NOT THE BRIGHTEST
GUY IN THE WORLD,
IN FACT, I'M KIND OF...
WELL, I THINK THE WORD IS DUMB.
AND MY MEMORY'S SO BAD
THAT I HAVE TO WEAR
MY OLD ARMY DOG TAGS
TO KEEP FROM FORGETTING MY NAME.
BUT THERE IS ONE
THING I REMEMBER GOOD.
ZELDA GILROY HAS
ALWAYS BEEN APE FOR ME.
EVER SINCE WE
WERE LITTLE TINY KIDS
SHE'S BEEN CHASING ME
THE WAY CATS CHASE MICE,
THE WAY DOGS CHASE CATS, THE
WAY DOG CATCHERS CHASE DOGS.
SO WHEN I FINALLY CAME TO HER
AND TOLD HER SHE
HAD CAUGHT ME AT LAST,
AND WHEN SHE SAID
SHE DIDN'T WANT ME,
WELL, I KNEW THERE HAD
TO BE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, POOPSIE.
IT'S SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.
- NOW YOU'RE USING
YOUR HEAD, ZELDA.
- THAT'S RIGHT, DOBIE.
NOW, AT LONG LAST, FOR THE
FIRST TIME, I'M USING MY HEAD.
- AND IT'S QUITE A HEAD, ZELDA.
YOU'VE GOT A BRAIN THAT'S
RIGHT UP THERE WITH SOCRATES,
EINSTEIN, AND PETER LAWFORD.
- THANK YOU.
NOW, ABOUT YOUR BRAIN,
AND I DON'T MEAN TO BE UNKIND,
BUT I'VE KNOWN HAMSTERS
SMARTER THAN YOU.
- OH, I'VE KNOWN MUD
TURTLES SMARTER THAN YOU.
I'VE KNOWN ANGLE
WORMS SMARTER THAN YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'M A DOPE. I ADMIT IT.
THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU, ZELDA.
FOR YEARS YOU'VE BEEN TELLING
ME I'M A TEN-THUMBED IDIOT.
- YES, YOU HAVE,
ZELDA. I'M A WITLESS.
- THAT'S WITNESS, BUT WE
WON'T DISPUTE THE POINT.
- FOR YEARS YOU'VE
BEEN TELLING ME
I'M TOO STUPID TO MAKE MY WAY
THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT YOUR HELP,
AND ZELDA, WHAT'S THE USE
OF KIDDING, YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO HERE I AM, ALL YOURS.
- I AM, OF COURSE,
TOUCHED BY YOUR STERLING
DECLARATION OF LOVE, MR. GILLIS,
NONETHELESS, I MUST ASK
YOU TO CONTROL THE PASSIONS
THAT ADDLE YOUR TINY BRAIN.
I DO, AFTER ALL, HAVE
A CLASS TO TEACH.
YOU MAY THINK THAT
I AM COLD AND HARD...
- I DO.
- THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.
- YOU'RE, LIKE, WELCOME,
COLD AND HARD.
- SO, MR. GILLIS, IF YOU
WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO WAIT UNTIL THE LUNCH
HOUR TO PURSUE THIS ROMANCE,
OR WHATEVER IT IS, I
WILL BE MOST GRATEFUL.
ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS?
- ALL RIGHT, DR. BURKHART.
- AND YOU, MS. GILROY,
I TRUST YOU HAVE NO
OBJECTION TO MY CONTINUING?
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DO, DR. BURKHART.
WOULD YOU MIND WAITING
A COUPLE OF MINUTES
WHILE I STRAIGHTEN DOBIE OUT?
I MEAN, I DON'T
WANT HIM TO SIT HERE
THINKING HE'S GOT ME.
- I GOT YOU? NO. NO,
ZELDA. YOU GOT ME.
- AND I DON'T WANT YOU.
- RIDICULOUS.
YOU'VE WANTED ME SINCE
WE WERE BOTH IN ROMPERS.
- MAY I CUT IN?
- EXCUSE ME, DR. BURKHART.
IT'S TRUE, DOBIE.
I'VE BEEN CHASING
YOU ALL MY LIFE,
BUT LATELY I'VE BEEN THINKING.
MARRIAGE IS LIKE DOUBLE HARNESS,
TWO PEOPLE PULLING
TOGETHER THROUGH LIFE.
- IF I MIGHT SAY A WORD...
- QUIET, DOC. IT'S JUST
GETTING INTERESTING.
- OKAY, ZELDA. I'LL PULL
WITH YOU IN DOUBLE HARNESS.
- NO, YOU WON'T, DOBIE, BECAUSE
YOU'VE GOT SAWDUST FOR BRAINS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO PULLING WITH ME,
YOU'RE GOING TO
BE A DEAD WEIGHT.
AND FOR A GIRL LIKE ME,
LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT
HAVING TO HAUL A DEAD HORSE.
SO IT'S GOODBYE, DOBIE.
IF I FIND A MAN, A PROSPECT
WHICH I ADMIT IS NOT TOO BRIGHT,
AT LEAST HE'LL BE
SOME USE TO ME.
OF COURSE, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A
SOFT SPOT IN MY HEART FOR YOU,
BUT YOU'RE JUST TOO
DUMB, NO OFFENSE,
AND SO LET US PART FRIENDS.
NOW, DR. BURKHART,
YOU MAY BEGIN THE CLASS.
- YOU'RE VERY KIND.
- NOW HOLD THE PHONE, DOC.
I GOT A FEW QUESTIONS FOR ZELDA.
- I GOT A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
- AND I HAVE A CERTIFICATE
THAT SAYS I'M A TEACHER HERE.
NOW WHAT'S IT GOING TO
BE, KIDS, A LITTLE ATTENTION,
OR A COUPLE OF HOURS AFTER
SCHOOL CLAPPING ERASERS?
A PUNISHMENT THAT HAS
HASN'T BEEN METED OUT
SINCE THE SIXTH GRADE.
I KNEW YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.
TODAY, STUDENTS, AND I
USE THE TERM HILARIOUSLY,
WE WILL TAKE UP THE
STUDY OF EPISTEMOLOGY.
CAN ANYONE TELL ME
WHAT EPISTEMOLOGY IS?
MR. KREBS.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME, DOC.
THE LONGEST WORD I
KNOW IS DELICATESSEN.
- MR. GILLIS? AND I
WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.
MS. GILROY?
- EPISTEMOLOGY IS THE
STUDY OF KNOWLEDGE ITSELF,
THE ACTUAL PROCESS OF HOW
WE LEARN AND KNOW THINGS.
- THAT IS CORRECT.
- NATURALLY.
- IT NOW BECOMES MY TASK TO
TRY TO TEACH YOU HOW TO THINK,
TO ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE
AND TO USE IT.
THIS LOOMS AS ONE OF THE
LEAST PROMISING UNDERTAKINGS
IN THE HISTORY OF
EDUCATION, HOWEVER...
- THIS I TAKE IT IS
DR. BURKHART'S CLASS?
- YES.
- YOU, I TAKE IT,
ARE DR. BURKHART?
- YES.
- I AM CLAYPOOL.
- OH, HOW DO YOU
DO, MISS CLAYPOOL.
- NOT MISS CLAYPOOL, CLAYPOOL.
- CLAYPOOL WHAT?
- JUST CLAYPOOL.
- YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER NAME?
- WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK
THE SAME BORING QUESTION?
OF COURSE I HAVE ANOTHER
NAME, BUT WHAT DO I NEED WITH IT?
ISN'T CLAYPOOL ENOUGH?
- IT MAY BE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
- WELL, YES, SOME PEOPLE DO
FIND ME RATHER UNSETTLING,
BUT THAT'S A RISK I MUST RUN.
YOU SEE, DR. BURKHART, I HAVE
TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION FAST.
- YOU HAVE SUCCEED WILDLY.
- OH, GOOD. I LACK SECURITY.
- SO THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
- I JUST MOVED TO TOWN.
THIS IS THE EIGHTH TOWN WE
LIVED IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
IT'S ON ACCOUNT OF DADUM'S
BUSINESS THAT WE KEEP MOVING.
- DADUMS WOULD BE YOUR FATHER?
- YES. HE BUILDS BRIDGES.
THERE'S JUST OODLES
OF MONEY IN BRIDGES.
- HOW VERY PLEASANT.
- PERHAPS.
BUT MONEY IS NOT SECURITY.
I MEAN, HERE I AM IN A NEW
TOWN AND A NEW SCHOOL,
AND BY THE TIME I FEEL SECURE
IN THESE STRANGE SETTINGS,
DADUMS WILL BE MOVING AGAIN.
THAT'S WHY I MUST GRAB MY
SECURITY AS FAST AS I CAN.
- CLAYPOOL, I KNOW
THAT THE ENTIRE FACULTY
AND STUDENT BODY
OF THIS UNIVERSITY
JOIN ME IN WISHING YOU
SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
NOW IF YOU WOULD BE GOOD
ENOUGH TO SIT DOWN, PLEASE,
THERE'S A CHAIR RIGHT
THERE IN THE THIRD ROW.
- SO THERE IS, BUT I
WANT OT SIT OVER THERE.
- MAY ONE ASK WHY?
- I LIKE THE LOOKS OF THAT BOY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING, OF COURSE.
- OH, HE'S A DULL ONE, I AGREE.
THAT SLACK JAW,
THOSE VACANT EYES.
STILL HE HAS NO GUILE
AND HE'LL NEVER TRICK ME.
WITH HIM I CAN FIND
INSTANT SECURITY.
- SO GET IT ALREADY. I'VE
GOT A CLASS TO TEACH.
- NOW SEE HERE.
- MISS GILROY AND
ALL THE REST OF YOU,
IF YOU WILL JUST CONTAIN
YOURSELF FOR FIVE SECONDS,
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.
[BELL RINGS]
- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
HAS HAPPENED.
READ PAGES 208 THROUGH 227
AND TOMORROW WE WILL AGAIN
SET OUR EAGER YOUNG FEET
ON THE ROAD TO EPISTEMOLOGY.
CLASS, AND I USE THE TERM
LAUGHINGLY, DISMISSED.
- FELLOW.
- YES, MA'AM.
- YOU'LL DO. YOU MAY
GO STEADY WITH ME.
- LOOK, MA'AM. I MEAN
NO OFFENSE, BUT...
- TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK,
TALK. ARE YOU BLIND, FELLOW?
I'M RICH, BEAUTIFUL, GLAMOROUS.
TO YOU I REPRESENT YOUR
DEAREST DREAM COME TRUE.
TO ME YOU REPRESENT
INSTANT SECURITY.
SO WHY DAWDLE? HERE IS MY HAND.
- JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED?
- YEAH. HIM.
- BUT YOU JUST GOT THROUGH
TELLING ME I WAS A DEAD HORSE.
- RATHER AN APT SIMILE.
- SO HOW COME EVERYBODY
WANTS HIM IF HE'S A DEAD HORSE?
- HE MAY BE A DEAD HORSE,
BUT HE'S MY DEAD HORSE,
SO KEEP YOUR COTTON
PICKING HANDS OFF.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU LET THE
DEAD HORSE DECIDE FOR HIMSELF?
- BECAUSE HE'S TOO STUPID.
- GOOD POINT.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
I'VE GOT TO THINK.
- I'LL HELP.
- HERE'S MY CHOICE,
ZELDA OR CLAYPOOL.
A TOUGH DECISION.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D DO?
- WHAT?
- REENLIST.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MAYNARD, I'VE GOT TO HAVE A GIRL.
- A GIRL I UNDERSTAND,
BUT ZELDA OR CLAYPOOL?
AH, COME ON.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
SO THEY'RE A COUPLE OF WEIRDOS.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,
WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE ME?
- WE'LL ALL BUY THAT.
- SO WHAT IT BOILS
DOWN TO IS THIS.
OF THE TWO WEIRDOS,
WHICH ONE IS THE LEAST WEIRD,
AND THAT'S NOT TOO HARD
TO FIGURE OUT EVEN FOR ME.
- WELL?
- WELL?
- ZELDA, I'M YOURS.
- HA HA! PUT THAT IN
YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.
- YOU THUMPING, ENORMOUS FOOL.
- WELL, ZELDA, I GUESS
IT'S YOU AND ME, HUH?
- I'M AFRAID SO, DOBIE.
- HORRIBLE PROSPECT ISN'T IT?
- GHASTLY.
- CHEER UP, KIDS. LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
- WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?
- YOU ALWAYS GOT ME.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, DEAR?
- TO MEET ZELDA.
SHE'S GOING TO HELP
ME WITH MY HOMEWORK.
- THAT'S NICE, DEAR.
- IT'S MORE THAN
NICE, IT'S ESSENTIAL.
IF ZELDA DIDN'T DO MY
HOMEWORK FOR ME, I'D FLUNK.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I'M A DUMBBELL.
- WHO SAID SO?
- ASK ANYBODY.
- I WOULD LIKE TO SAY A
FEW WORDS ON THAT SUBJECT.
- DON'T YOU DARE
CALL DOBIE A DUMBBELL.
- A DUMBBELL?
THIS IS PROBABLY THE
SMARTEST KID I EVER SAW.
- ME?
- NEVER DOES A LICK OF WORK,
HAS UNLIMITED FUNDS IF I FORGET
TO LOCK THE CASH REGISTER,
CHASES GIRLS ALL DAY,
SLEEPS 14, 15 HOURS A NIGHT,
HOW SMART CAN YOU GET?
- NOW HERBERT.
- YOU ARE GOING TO TRY AND
TELL ME WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER,
BE PAL-ZEES, HAVE LONG
HEART-TO-HEART TALKS?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- OKAY, WINNIE. LET'S
TRY IT YOUR WAY.
SON, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN
AND HAVE A LONG
HEART-TO-HEART TALK WITH ME,
SORT OF GET TO UNDERSTAND
EACH OTHER BETTER, HUH?
- DAD, WHAT DO WE NEED
TO UNDERSTAND EACH FOR?
I MEAN, WE'VE GOT SUCH A
SOLID RELATIONSHIP NOW,
GOOD CLEAN HONEST HOSTILITY.
I MEAN, WE KNOW WHERE
WE STAND. WHY LOUSE IT UP?
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
BOY? YOU ARE RIGHT.
- SURE I AM, DAD. SO LONG.
- SO LONG.
- OH, SAY, DAD, I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'D LET ME HAVE
SOME MONEY WOULD YOU?
- A FAT EAR I WOULD
LET YOU HAVE, BOY.
- GOOD OLD, DAD.
- GOOD OLD, DOBIE. DON'T SAY IT.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
- LIKE, GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- YOU'RE WAITING FOR ZELDA, HUH?
- HOW COULD YOU TELL?
- YOU LOOK MISERABLE.
- MAYNARD, LET'S BE HONEST.
I LIKE ZELDA, I RESPECT
ZELDA, I ADMIRE ZELDA.
BUT LOVE ZELDA? NO, MAYNARD.
IF I COULD DO ANY
BETTER I WOULD,
BUT LET'S FACE IT, I CAN'T.
- POOR DOBE.
- NEVER MIND POOR DOBE.
THINK OF POOR ZELDA.
HERE'S A GIRL WITH CHARM,
BRAINS, PERSONALITY,
EVERYTHING BUT LOOKS.
SO SHE HAS TO SETTLE
FOR A MEATBALL LIKE ME.
- POOR ZELDA.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU THINK LOOK MISERABLE,
WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT ZELDA
LOOKS LIKE WHEN SHE GETS HERE.
SHE'LL PROBABLY BE IN TEARS.
- HI, DOBIE DUMPLING,
BOY AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.
- ME?
- HIM?
- YOU.
- HOW COME?
- YEAH, HOW COME?
- AH, DOBIE, YOU
KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU,
IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT
TO DRAG YOU THROUGH LIFE
LIKE A DEAD HORSE.
WELL, MAYBE I WON'T HAVE TO.
MAYBE THERE'S A WAY TO
INCREASE YOUR BRAIN POWER.
- MINE?
- HIS?
- YOURS. REMEMBER WHAT
DR. BURKHART SAID TODAY?
- WHO?
- DR. BURKHART, OUR TEACHER.
KIND OF A TALL ONE,
LOTS OF TEETH AND KIND
OF BLONDE, REMEMBER?
- OH, THAT DR. BURKHART, YEAH.
- YEAH. THAT DR. BURKHART.
SHE GAVE US AN
ASSIGNMENT FOR TONIGHT,
WHICH OF COURSE
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN,
SO LET ME TELL YOU.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
STUDY EPISTEMOLOGY,
WHICH IS THE SCIENCE
OF HOW WE KNOW THINGS.
HOW DO WE KNOW THINGS, YOU ASK?
- I DIDN'T ASK, DID YOU, DOBE?
- NOT ME.
- ME NEITHER. MUST
BE AN ECHO IN HERE.
- THE FIRST STEP IN
KNOWLEDGE IS MEMORY.
BEFORE WE CAN
TRULY KNOW ANYTHING,
WE MUST TRAIN OUR MINDS
TO GRASP AND RETAIN FACTS.
IN SHORT, TO REMEMBER.
THIS WE ACCOMPLISH
BY MEANS OF MNEMONICS.
WHAT ARE MNEMONICS YOU ASK?
- I DIDN'T ASK, DID YOU, DOBE?
- NOT ME.
- ME EITHER.
- MNEMONICS IS SIMPLY A FANCY
NAME FOR THE LITTLE MEMORY AIDS
THAT EVERYONE USES.
TAKE FOR EXAMPLE THE POEM
THAT HELPS US REMEMBER THE
YEAR COLUMBUS DISCOVERED AMERICA.
- OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
- SEE, EVEN MAYNARD KNOWS.
- YEAH. IN 1493 COLUMBUS
SAILED THE DEEP BLUE SEA.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S IN 1492
COLUMBUS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
BUTT OUT AND SET UP THIS
EASEL WITH THE BIG CARD ON IT.
DOBIE, IF I CAN TEACH
YOU MNEMONICS,
IF I CAN TEACH TO REMEMBER,
THEN I CAN TEACH YOU TO THINK
AND WE CAN GO THROUGH LIFE
WITH BOTH OF PULLING OUR WEIGHT.
- ZELDA, IF YOU CAN
TEACH ME TO REMEMBER,
YOU'RE A MIRACLE WORKER.
YOU KNOW I'VE GOT THE
WORST MEMORY IN TOWN.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE
WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL AT NIGHT.
THAT'S WHY HIS MOTHER
HAS TO COME PICK HIM UP.
- EXACTLY MY POINT.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S
OUR FIRST PROJECT.
WE'LL FIND A MNEMONIC TO
TEACH YOU THE WAY HOME.
NOW OBSERVE.
THESE ARE THE STREETS
BETWEEN SCHOOL AND YOUR HOUSE.
GREENBRIAR, SELBY, DALE,
IRVING, WASHINGTON, CHESTNUT.
- YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO REMEMBER ALL THAT.
- OF COURSE I DO, POOPSIE.
YOU JUST TAKE THE FIRST
LETTERS OF EACH STREET,
G FOR GREENBRIAR, S
FOR SELBY, AND SO FORTH.
THEN YOU MAKE OF
A SIMPLE SENTENCE
USING ALL OF THESE
FIRST LETTERS.
FOR INSTANCE, G FOR GEORGE,
S FOR STUCK, D FOR DICK,
I FOR IN, W FOR
WET, C FOR CEMENT.
GEORGE STUCK DICK IN WET CEMENT.
SEE HOW SIMPLE IT IS, POOPSIE?
- I THINK THAT'S THE MEANEST,
LOWEST, ROTTENEST TRICK
I EVER HEARD OF.
HOW COME GEORGE
STUCK DICK IN WET CEMENT.
I MEAN, DICK NEVER
DID NOTHING TO GEORGE.
OH, SURE, THEY PROBABLY HAD A
LITTLE ARGUMENT NOW AND THEN,
BUT WHAT FRIENDS DON'T?
I MEAN, TAKE DOBE AND ME.
WE HAVE A LITTLE
ARGUMENT NOW AND THEN,
IN FACT, MOST OF THE TIME,
BUT DO I STICK DOBE
IN WET CEMENT? NO.
BECAUSE WE'RE GOOD BUDDIES.
OH, FOR SHAME,
GEORGE, FOR SHAME.
- MAYNARD, THEY'RE
ONLY MNEMONICS.
- I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE
33RD DEGREE MASONS,
THAT NO WAY TO TREAT A FRIEND.
- MAYNARD, BE A GOOD FELLOW
AND FLAKE OFF, WOULD YOU?
I'M TRYING TO HELP
YOUR GOOD BUDDY.
- DOBIE, YOU DO
UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?
- WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
NATURALLY, I WANT TO LEARN
MY WAY HOME EVERY NIGHT,
BUT I REALLY DO HATE FOR GEORGE
TO BE STICKING DICK
IN THAT WET CEMENT.
- MAYNARD, PACK THE EASEL.
DOBIE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?
- WHAT?
- I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE
HINT. IT'S INITIALS ARE D.H.
- DEAD HORSE?
- CONGRATULATIONS
AND GOODBYE FOREVER.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO?
- PULL DICK OUT OF
THE WET CEMENT.
- NO, MAYNARD.
I FEEL SORRY FOR DICK, OF
COURSE, BUT HE'S ON HIS OWN.
NO, I'VE GOT TO TAKE
CARE OF NUMBER ONE.
I'VE GOT TO FIND ME A GIRL.
- YOUR SEARCH HAS ENDED, FELLOW.
- YOU MEAN, YOU'LL
GO STEADY WITH ME?
- UNLESS MS. GILROY
HERE HAS ANY OBJECTIONS.
- TAKE HIM, SISTER, AND
GOOD LUCK, YOU'LL NEED IT.
- YES. I'LL ADMIT HE'S HARDLY
WHAT ONE WOULD CALL A CATCH.
STILL, WITH A PERSON
AS INSECURE AS I,
THE PULLING AND HAULING
OF A NORMAL COURTSHIP
IS NOT TO BE RECOMMENDED.
SO, THEREFORE, I'M QUITE CONTENT
TO TAKE WHAT NO ONE ELSE WANTS.
- YEP. THAT'S HIM.
- SO FELLOW, TELL YOUR
MOTHER AND FATHER
THAT I'LL BE OVER TO SEE
THEM LATE THIS AFTERNOON.
- WHY DO YOU WANT TO
SEE MY MOTHER AND FATHER?
- DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, FELLOW.
WHAT KIND OF SECURITY CAN I HAVE
UNLESS I SEE THE
STOCK YOU COME FROM?
WHAT IF YOUR FATHER'S
A MEAN, VICIOUS BRUTE?
- WHO SQUEALED? WHO WAS THE
LOUDMOUTH THAT SPREAD THE WORD?
- AND ON THE OTHER HAND,
I WANT THEM TO MEET ME.
I WANT THEM TO BE SURE
THAT I'M THE KIND OF GIRL THEY
WANT FOR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
- HMM.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
SO WORRIED ABOUT, DEAR.
IF SHE'S YOUR CHOICE, OF
COURSE WE'LL LOVE HER.
- HOLD THE PHONE, WINNIE.
AND DOBIE, JUST A MINUTE.
I'D LIKE TO KNOW A LITTLE
MORE ABOUT THIS HERE GIRL.
- WELL, SHE'S A PERFECTLY
WONDERFUL GIRL.
THE THING IS, SHE'S
A LITTLE BIT UNUSUAL.
- WHAT SHE IS, IS
NUTTY AS A CHI CHI BIRD.
- OH, TALK ABOUT THE POT
CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.
- HUSH, MAYNARD. DOBIE,
TELL US ABOUT THIS GIRL.
- WHAT KETTLE?
- YEAH. DOES SHE COME
FROM A GOOD FAMILY,
IS SHE HEALTHY AND NORMAL
AND ALL KINDS OF
STUFF LIKE THAT THERE?
- I DON'T SEE NO POT.
- WELL, SURE. BUT...
- BUT WHAT?
- AND I DON'T SEE
NO KETTLE NEITHER.
- WELL, SHE'S KIND OF
DIFFERENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE.
- DIFFERENT IN WHAT WAY, DEAR?
- WELL, LOTS OF WAYS.
THE WAY SHE COMES
INTO A ROOM FOR INSTANCE.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, DEAR.
HOW CAN ONE PERSON COME
INTO A ROOM ANY DIFFERENTLY
FROM ANY OTHER PERSON?
- DOES THAT ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
- THESE I TAKE IT
ARE THE PARENTS?
- MOM, DAD, THIS IS CLAYPOOL.
JUST... JUST CLAYPOOL.
- OH, YES, QUIET AND
DISTINGUISHED, DRAB, WORK WORN.
DULL OF COURSE, BUT RELIABLE.
YOU MAY KISS ME.
- STOP THE KISSING!
CLAYPOOL, GET YOUR
PACHYDERM AND PACK IT IN.
YOU'RE THROUGH HERE.
I'M TAKING DOBIE BACK.
- BUT ZELDA, THIS MORNING
YOU SAID THAT YOU...
- THAT WAS THIS MORNING.
THIS IS THIS AFTERNOON.
- YOU MEAN YOU WANT ME BACK?
- IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF WANT,
IT'S A QUESTION OF
PROTECTING AN INVESTMENT.
I'VE GOT YEARS TIED
UP IN YOU, MISTER,
AND I'M NOT GIVING YOU UP.
- I'M CONFUSED.
- OH, IT'S SIMPLE, DOBE.
SHE ONLY WANTS YOU
WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE DOES.
- YOU COULD BE RIGHT.
NO, ZELDA, I'M NOT A YO-YO TO
BE SENT AWAY AND PULLED BACK
WHENEVER THE MOOD STRIKES YOU.
I'M STICKING WITH CLAYPOOL.
- LET'S NOT BE HASTY, BOY.
- THAT'S RIGHT, DEAR.
I'M SURE THAT CLAYPOOL
IS A WONDERFUL GIRL,
BUT AFTER ALL, YOU DO
HAVE A GREAT MANY YEARS
TIED UP WITH ZELDA.
- RIGHT. NOW, WE ALL ADMIT THAT
ZELDA AIN'T NO RAVING BEAUTY,
NO OFFENSE, AND THAT
SHE'S A KOOK, NO OFFENSE,
BUT AT LEAST SHE AIN'T A
KOOK WITH AN ELEPHANT.
- AND THAT IS RATHER IMPORTANT,
DEAR, IN CHOOSING A WIFE.
YOU MUST TRY TO GET
ONE WITHOUT AN ELEPHANT.
- IT ISN'T AS THOUGH I
REALLY WANT CLAYPOOL,
BUT NOBODY ELSE WILL HAVE ME.
IT USED TO BE I ALWAYS HAD
ZELDA WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN,
BUT LATELY I CAN'T
DEPEND ON HER.
- DOBIE, YOU COME
BACK TO ME THIS TIME,
AND I PROMISE
YOU IT'S FOR KEEPS.
- YOU'RE SURE?
- POSITIVE.
- MAKE UP YOUR MIND, FELLOW,
MY SECURITY IS
DWINDLING BY THE MINUTE.
- LOOK, CLAYPOOL,
IT ISN'T AS THOUGH YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE ANY TROUBLE
FINDING ANOTHER FELLOW,
A PRETTY GIRL LIKE YOU.
- YEAH.
WITH AN ELEPHANT
THAT'S EVEN PRETTIER.
- I'M SORRY, CLAYPOOL.
PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
AS THEY SAY IN
GERMAN, C'EST LA VIE.
- OH, BOY.
- THANK GOODNESS.
- YEAH.
WINNIE, DO YOU
EVER GET THE FEELING
THAT THERE'S A CURSE ON US?
- COME AND GET 'EM,
LOVE AND COURTSHIP FANS,
THE NAMES AND NUMBERS
OF ALL THE PLAYERS.
YEP. YOU CAN'T TELL
THE SWEETHEARTS
WITHOUT A SCORE CARD, SO
LET'S RECAP THE GAME SO FAR.
FIRST YOU'LL REMEMBER I PROPOSED
TO ZELDA AND SHE LAUGHED.
SCORE ONE FOR ZELDA.
THEN CLAYPOOL GRABBED ME
AND ZELDA CAME RUNNING BACK.
SCORE ONE FOR ME.
NEXT, JUST BECAUSE SHE
COULDN'T TEACH ME TO THINK
ZELDA DUMPED ME AND
CLAYPOOL GOT LUCKY.
SURE ENOUGH, AS SOON AS I TOOK
CLAYPOOL HOME TO MEET THE FOLKS,
BOOM, ZELDA'S BACK
AND DOBIE'S GOT HER.
AND THAT'S THE
WAY IT STANDS NOW.
ZELDA'S IN THE LEAD BY ONE
AS THIS DRAMATIC STRUGGLE
MOVES INTO THE FIFTH INNING.
HANG ONTO YOUR SEAT
CUSHIONS, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
- DOBIE, WE'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS MEMORY TRAINING SYSTEM
FOR WEEKS AND YOU'RE
NOT MAKING ANY PROGRESS.
NOW PLAY CLOSE ATTENTION
AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- WHY DON'T YOU QUIT TRYING
TO SMARTEN ME UP, ZELDA,
AND TAKE ME AS I AM?
- LOOK, DOBIE, YOU'LL
NEVER BE GENIUS,
BUT THERE'S NO REASON WHY YOU
CAN'T BE A HIGH-GRADE DUMBBELL.
NOW LET'S GET BACK TO MNEMONICS.
YOU DO REMEMBER WHAT
MNEMONICS ARE, DON'T YOU?
- I FORGOT.
- MNEMONICS ARE LITTLE TRICKS
TO HELP US REMEMBER THINGS.
NOW, FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS A
DIAGRAM OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.
AND HERE IN ORDER OF
THEIR CLOSENESS TO THE SUN
ARE THE PLANETS.
MERCURY, VENUS, EARTH,
MARS, JUPITER, SATURN,
URANUS, NEPTUNE, AND PLUTO.
IF YOU USE ONE SIMPLE MNEMONIC,
I CAN TEACH YOU ALL
THIS IN FIVE MINUTES.
THINK OF THE SUN AS A CAMPFIRE.
THINK OF THE PLANETS AS KIDS
SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE,
KIDS YOU'VE KNOWN ALL YOUR LIFE.
NOW, TAKE MERCURY.
MERCURY IS MARIAN GILBERT.
GET IT? M FOR
MERCURY, M FOR MARIAN.
AND SITTING OVER HERE
NEXT TO MARIAN IS VAN SMITH.
VAN FOR VENUS.
AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
EARTH. WHY THAT'S ETHEL JONES.
AND SITTING HERE NEXT TO
ETHEL IS MARS, THAT'S MILTON KING.
- HAVE YOU GOT ETHEL
SITTING NEXT TO MILTON?
- YES.
- WELL, YOU CAN'T DO
THAT. ETHEL HATES MILTON.
SHE HASN'T TALKED
TO HIM SINCE THAT TIME
HE GAVE HER THAT GOLD LOCKET
THAT TURNED GREEN OVERNIGHT.
- DOBIE.
- AND HERE YOU'VE
GOT VAN WITH MARIAN.
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
BETTER THAN THAT.
HE GOT MARRIED LAST
YEAR TO IMOGENE TIBBLES
AND MOVED TO DULUTH.
THEY'VE GOT A SET OF TWINS.
- ENOUGH.
- YOU'RE WALKING
OUT ON ME AGAIN?
- AS FAST AS MY LITTLE
FAT LEGS WILL CARRY ME.
- OKAY, ZELDA, BUT
BEFORE YOU GO,
THERE'S ONE THING
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THE PLANETS OF
THE SOLAR SYSTEM
IN ORDER OF THEIR NEARNESS
TO THE SUN ARE AS FOLLOWS:
MERCURY, VENUS, EARTH,
MARS, JUPITER, SATURN,
URANUS, NEPTUNE, AND PLUTO.
- WHY THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
- FURTHERMORE, THE STREETS
ON THE WAY FROM SCHOOL ARE
GREENBRIAR, SELBY, DALE, IRVING,
WASHINGTON, AND CHESTNUT.
- WHY, DOBIE, YOU
LEARNED HOW TO REMEMBER.
- THANKS TO YOU.
- IN FACT, YOU'VE
LEARNED HOW TO THINK.
- THANKS TO YOU.
- WELL, WELL, THIS PUTS A WHOLE
NEW COMPLEXION ON THINGS.
- IT SURE DOES.
AND NOW, ZELDA, THAT
I'VE LEARNED HOW TO THINK,
I'M NOT GOING TO LET
YOU WALK OUT ON ME.
- I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.
- BECAUSE I'M
WALKING OUT ON YOU.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- ZELDA, LISTEN TO HOW
WELL YOU TAUGHT ME TO THINK.
YOU AND I HAVE BEEN
RATTLING AROUND TOGETHER
PRACTICALLY SINCE WE WERE BORN.
A MILLION TIMES WE'VE
COME CLOSE TO THE ALTAR,
AND A MILLION TIMES
WE'VE SHIED AWAY.
SOMETIMES YOU CHICKENED
OUT, SOMETIMES ME.
BUT IN ANY CASE,
IT NEVER HAPPENED.
WELL, NOW THAT I CAN THINK I
KNOW IT WHY IT NEVER HAPPENED.
BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF US
REALLY WANTED IT TO HAPPEN.
TRUE, ZELDA?
- TRUE, DOBIE.
- SO WHY DO WE KEEP
KNOCKING OURSELVES OUT?
WE CAN'T EVER BE A
HOT ROMANTIC ITEM,
BUT WE COULD BE FRIENDS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, ZELDA?
- YOU GOT IT, PAL.
- I'M WITH YOU, PAL.
- YOU'RE THINKING
REAL GOOD, DOBE.
- THANK YOU, ZELDA.
- EXCEPT FOR ONE ITEM.
A FELLOW LIKE YOU
HAS GOT TO HAVE A GIRL.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO FIND ONE?
- I'VE THOUGHT EXACTLY
WHERE I'LL FIND ONE.
I ONLY HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE.
- TOO LATE FOR WHAT, FELLOW?
- CLAYPOOL, I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL
THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED,
BUT FROM NOW ON IT'S
GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.
- DIFFERENT HOW, FELLOW?
- LISTEN, I'VE RECENTLY
LEARNED HOW TO THINK.
- HOW NICE FOR YOU.
- AND I MADE... THANK YOU.
AND I MADE UP MY MIND
TO ACCEPT YOUR OFFER,
AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT ANYBODY SAYS,
I'LL GO STEADY WITH YOU.
- THE CARAVAN HAS
PASSED, FELLOW.
- CARAVAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.
- BUT YOU SAID...
- I SAID I NEED A BOY
FOR MY SECURITY,
BUT I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU,
AND I'VE BEEN WATCHING
THAT ZELDA PERSON
TEACH YOU HOW TO THINK,
AND I KNEW IT WAS ONLY A MATTER
OF TIME BEFORE SHE SUCCEEDED,
AND FELLOW, I DON'T
WANT A BOY WHO CAN THINK.
- HOW COME?
- BECAUSE A BOY WHO CAN
THINK IS A BOY WHO CAN PLOT,
AND A BOY WHO CAN PLOT
IS A BOY WHO CAN SCHEME,
AND A BOY WHO CAN SCHEME IS
NOT A BOY I CAN HAVE SECURITY WITH.
- LISTEN, CLAYPOOL, I
DON'T THINK ALL THAT GOOD.
- SORRY, FELLOW. I
HAVE SELECTED ANOTHER.
- WHOM?
- HI, DOBE, HI, GIRL,
HI, ELEPHANT HONEY.
- MAYNARD, MY BEST FRIEND,
A LOVE THIEF. GIVE HER BACK.
- OH, NO YOU DON'T. GO
FIND YOUR OWN ELEPHANT.
- NOT THE ELEPHANT,
YOU FOOL, THE GIRL.
- OH, YEAH. WELL,
YOU CAN HAVE HER.
- NO, BEARDED ONE.
I STAY WITH YOU.
- WELL, DOBE, THOSE
ARE THE BREAKS.
- OKAY, MAYNARD. KEEP HER.
AND I WISH YOU A
LOT OF HAPPINESS.
MAY YOU LIVE A HUNDRED
YEARS, THE ELEPHANT THAT IS.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO DOBE?
- HE LEARNED HOW TO THINK.
- POOR DEVIL.
- PROMISE ME, BEARDED ONE,
THAT YOU WILL NEVER
LEARN HOW TO THINK.
- SCOUT'S HONOR.
- HOW ABOUT A KISS?
- OKAY.
- THIS LOOKS COMPLICATED,
BUT IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.
SEE, ZELDA WON OUT BY
NOT GETTING STUCK WITH ME.
CLAYPOOL SCORED BECAUSE
SHE GOT HER CHOICE,
NAMELY MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, HE GOT THE
ELEPHANT OF HIS HEART'S DESIRE,
AND ME, I...
WELL... WELL, I'M...
WHAT I AM IS DEAD.
- THERE YOU ARE.
SAY, IF ANY CUSTOMERS CAN
RESIST THIS DISPLAY OF PEANUTS,
MY NAME AIN'T HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- IT'S LOVELY, DEAR.
- OH, YEAH.
- LIKE, HI, MRS.
G. LIKE, HI, MR. G.
LIKE HI, DOBE G.,
HEY, THAT'S YOU,
DOBE G. YOU SEE...
- I KNOW. I KNOW,
MAYNARD. AND GOODBYE.
- WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM
TOO HAPPY TO SEE ME, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, HOW CAN
YOU COME AROUND HERE
AFTER STEALING MY GIRL?
- OH, THAT'S ALL
OVER, GOOD BUDDY.
CLAYPOOL MOVED TO CLEVELAND.
HER FATHER'S GOING TO
BUILD A BRIDGE IN CLEVELAND.
I WONDER WHAT THEY NEED
WITH A BRIDGE IN CLEVELAND?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAYNARD.
I WISH HE'D BUILD IT HERE
SO YOU COULD JUMP OFF IT,
AND GOODBYE.
- NICE FELLOW.
HEY, MR. G., YOU'RE GONNA
FIND ME THE MOST PLEASANT,
AGREEABLE FELLOW WHO
EVER MOVED IN WITH YOU.
- WHO IS MOVING IN WITH WHO?
- IT'S JUST TEMPORARY, MR. G.,
ONLY, LIKE, FOR A FEW YEARS.
- MAYNARD, DEAR, YOU
CAN'T MOVE WITH IN WITH US.
WHAT WOULD YOUR PARENTS SAY?
- IT'S KIND OF,
LIKE, THEIR IDEA.
- WELL, IT'S KIND
OF, LIKE, MY IDEA
THAT YOU GO RIGHT BACK, NOW.
- NOW, HERBERT, IT WON'T
HURT US TO HAVE THE BOY HERE
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
HE'S PROBABLY HAD A
LITTLE SPAT AT HOME.
- LITTLE? IT WAS MORE
LIKE WORLD WAR III.
- WELL, YOU CAN STAY HERE
FOR A SHORT TIME ANYWAY, DEAR,
UNTIL THINGS COOL DOWN.
- OH, BLESS YOUR OLD
GRAY HEAD, MRS. G.,
AND BLESS YOUR
OLD GRAY HEAD, MR. G.
- WATCH IT, MAYNARD.
I SPENT ALL DAY MAKING THIS
GORGEOUS GOOBER DISPLAY
LOOK ARTISTIC.
- OF COURSE YOU
CAN STAY HERE, DEAR.
DID YOU BRING YOUR THINGS?
- I'M GLAD YOU ASKED
THAT QUESTION, YES.
- THEN BRING THEM IN.
- OH, YOU'RE ALL HEART, MRS. G.
CHOW TIME!
- NO. NO. NO!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL GOOBERS.
- OH, NO.
- OH, LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DOWN AT 2:00 A.M. IN THE MORNING?
OR IS IT 4:00 P.M.
IN THE AFTERNOON?
I DON'T TELL TIME TOO GOOD.
- EVER SINCE YOUR
FOLKS THREW YOU OUT
AND YOU MOVED IN WITH ME,
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET
THREE SECONDS OF
SLEEP THANKS TO YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YOU'VE CROWDED ME OUT OF
EVERY INCH OF SPACE IN MY OWN ROOM.
- OH, DOBE, THAT AIN'T FAIR.
DON'T I GIVE YOU ALL
THE ROOM YOU NEED
RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR?
- BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BED?
- OH, YEAH, IT'S VERY
COMFORTABLE. THANK YOU.
- MAYNARD!
- MAN, AM I SLEEPY.
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WAKE UP.
MAYNARD.
- GOOD MORNING. TIME
TO GET UP ALREADY?
OH, PLEASE, CAN'T I
HAVE TWO MORE WINKS?
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WAKE UP! MAYNARD!
- GOOD MORNING. THAT
WAS ONLY ONE WINK.
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WAKE UP! MAYNARD!
- GOOD MORNING.
- THAT WAS WINK NUMBER TWO.
- WINK NUMBER TWO, YEAH.
NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND
START ON WINK NUMBER THREE
IN YOUR OWN BED, SO
I CAN GET SOME SLEEP.
- WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT, DOBE.
I MEAN, AFTER YOU FINISHED
TOSSING AND TURNING ON THE FLOOR
AND CAME DOWN HERE, I
COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP.
SOMETHING WAS BOTHERING ME.
- OH, YOUR CONSCIENCE, HUH?
- NO, THE ELEPHANT.
HE WAS LONESOME
DOWN IN THE CELLAR
AND COME UPSTAIRS
TO SLEEP WITH ME.
- AND THE ELEPHANT'S
UPSTAIRS IN MY BED?
- TRUE.
- AND YOU CAME
DOWNSTAIRS TO TELL ME?
- TRUE. AIN'T I SWEET?
- ADORABLE.
NOW, MAYNARD, IF YOUR
SPECIAL SLEEPY-TIME BULLETIN
IS CONCLUDED, I'LL
SAY GOOD NIGHT.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
- MAYNARD, I THINK
I'LL GO UPSTAIRS
AND TAKE MY CHANCES
WITH THE ELEPHANT.
NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST MAKE
YOURSELF COMFORTABLE...
IT HAS FOUR LEGS,
TWO EARS, ONE TRUNK,
AND EATS LIKE A HORSE.
AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE
THE STRANGE, WEIRD THINGS
THAT ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN.
ZELDA? ZELDA?
- YES, POOPSIE?
- I HAVE AN
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
- YES, POOPSIE?
- YOU BETTER SIT DOWN FOR THIS.
- YES, POOPSIE.
- ZELDA, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN AFTER ME TO BE YOUR FELLOW?
- SINCE WE WERE
BOTH IN KINDERGARTEN.
- AND HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TURNED YOU DOWN?
- 36,408.
- BUT YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN DISCOURAGED, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT
NO MATTER HOW I STRUGGLE,
YOU'LL GET ME IN THE END, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT I
WAS THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD
FOR YOU, AND THAT
YOU MEAN TO HAVE ME,
SO I MIGHT AS WELL
QUIT FIGHTING, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- ALL RIGHT, ZELDA.
HERE'S MY ANNOUNCEMENT.
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
- YES, POOPSIE.
- I MEAN, ARE YOU
SITTING FIRMLY?
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
KEEL OVER OR ANYTHING.
- YES, POOPSIE.
- ZELDA, TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
ZELDA, I SURRENDER.
I QUIT. I'M YOURS.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO FAINT OR ANYTHING?
YES SIR, ZELDA, YOUR
LONG CHASE IS OVER.
I'M THROUGH RUNNING,
YOU'VE GOT ME AT LAST.
WELL, ZELDA, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- WHO NEEDS YOU?
- ZELDA, I KNOW
YOU'RE ALL CHOKED UP...
WHAT?
[JAZZ THEME]
- I'M NOT THE BRIGHTEST
GUY IN THE WORLD,
IN FACT, I'M KIND OF...
WELL, I THINK THE WORD IS DUMB.
AND MY MEMORY'S SO BAD
THAT I HAVE TO WEAR
MY OLD ARMY DOG TAGS
TO KEEP FROM FORGETTING MY NAME.
BUT THERE IS ONE
THING I REMEMBER GOOD.
ZELDA GILROY HAS
ALWAYS BEEN APE FOR ME.
EVER SINCE WE
WERE LITTLE TINY KIDS
SHE'S BEEN CHASING ME
THE WAY CATS CHASE MICE,
THE WAY DOGS CHASE CATS, THE
WAY DOG CATCHERS CHASE DOGS.
SO WHEN I FINALLY CAME TO HER
AND TOLD HER SHE
HAD CAUGHT ME AT LAST,
AND WHEN SHE SAID
SHE DIDN'T WANT ME,
WELL, I KNEW THERE HAD
TO BE SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, POOPSIE.
IT'S SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.
- NOW YOU'RE USING
YOUR HEAD, ZELDA.
- THAT'S RIGHT, DOBIE.
NOW, AT LONG LAST, FOR THE
FIRST TIME, I'M USING MY HEAD.
- AND IT'S QUITE A HEAD, ZELDA.
YOU'VE GOT A BRAIN THAT'S
RIGHT UP THERE WITH SOCRATES,
EINSTEIN, AND PETER LAWFORD.
- THANK YOU.
NOW, ABOUT YOUR BRAIN,
AND I DON'T MEAN TO BE UNKIND,
BUT I'VE KNOWN HAMSTERS
SMARTER THAN YOU.
- OH, I'VE KNOWN MUD
TURTLES SMARTER THAN YOU.
I'VE KNOWN ANGLE
WORMS SMARTER THAN YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'M A DOPE. I ADMIT IT.
THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU, ZELDA.
FOR YEARS YOU'VE BEEN TELLING
ME I'M A TEN-THUMBED IDIOT.
- YES, YOU HAVE,
ZELDA. I'M A WITLESS.
- THAT'S WITNESS, BUT WE
WON'T DISPUTE THE POINT.
- FOR YEARS YOU'VE
BEEN TELLING ME
I'M TOO STUPID TO MAKE MY WAY
THROUGH LIFE WITHOUT YOUR HELP,
AND ZELDA, WHAT'S THE USE
OF KIDDING, YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO HERE I AM, ALL YOURS.
- I AM, OF COURSE,
TOUCHED BY YOUR STERLING
DECLARATION OF LOVE, MR. GILLIS,
NONETHELESS, I MUST ASK
YOU TO CONTROL THE PASSIONS
THAT ADDLE YOUR TINY BRAIN.
I DO, AFTER ALL, HAVE
A CLASS TO TEACH.
YOU MAY THINK THAT
I AM COLD AND HARD...
- I DO.
- THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.
- YOU'RE, LIKE, WELCOME,
COLD AND HARD.
- SO, MR. GILLIS, IF YOU
WOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO WAIT UNTIL THE LUNCH
HOUR TO PURSUE THIS ROMANCE,
OR WHATEVER IT IS, I
WILL BE MOST GRATEFUL.
ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS?
- ALL RIGHT, DR. BURKHART.
- AND YOU, MS. GILROY,
I TRUST YOU HAVE NO
OBJECTION TO MY CONTINUING?
- AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DO, DR. BURKHART.
WOULD YOU MIND WAITING
A COUPLE OF MINUTES
WHILE I STRAIGHTEN DOBIE OUT?
I MEAN, I DON'T
WANT HIM TO SIT HERE
THINKING HE'S GOT ME.
- I GOT YOU? NO. NO,
ZELDA. YOU GOT ME.
- AND I DON'T WANT YOU.
- RIDICULOUS.
YOU'VE WANTED ME SINCE
WE WERE BOTH IN ROMPERS.
- MAY I CUT IN?
- EXCUSE ME, DR. BURKHART.
IT'S TRUE, DOBIE.
I'VE BEEN CHASING
YOU ALL MY LIFE,
BUT LATELY I'VE BEEN THINKING.
MARRIAGE IS LIKE DOUBLE HARNESS,
TWO PEOPLE PULLING
TOGETHER THROUGH LIFE.
- IF I MIGHT SAY A WORD...
- QUIET, DOC. IT'S JUST
GETTING INTERESTING.
- OKAY, ZELDA. I'LL PULL
WITH YOU IN DOUBLE HARNESS.
- NO, YOU WON'T, DOBIE, BECAUSE
YOU'VE GOT SAWDUST FOR BRAINS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO PULLING WITH ME,
YOU'RE GOING TO
BE A DEAD WEIGHT.
AND FOR A GIRL LIKE ME,
LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT
HAVING TO HAUL A DEAD HORSE.
SO IT'S GOODBYE, DOBIE.
IF I FIND A MAN, A PROSPECT
WHICH I ADMIT IS NOT TOO BRIGHT,
AT LEAST HE'LL BE
SOME USE TO ME.
OF COURSE, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A
SOFT SPOT IN MY HEART FOR YOU,
BUT YOU'RE JUST TOO
DUMB, NO OFFENSE,
AND SO LET US PART FRIENDS.
NOW, DR. BURKHART,
YOU MAY BEGIN THE CLASS.
- YOU'RE VERY KIND.
- NOW HOLD THE PHONE, DOC.
I GOT A FEW QUESTIONS FOR ZELDA.
- I GOT A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
- AND I HAVE A CERTIFICATE
THAT SAYS I'M A TEACHER HERE.
NOW WHAT'S IT GOING TO
BE, KIDS, A LITTLE ATTENTION,
OR A COUPLE OF HOURS AFTER
SCHOOL CLAPPING ERASERS?
A PUNISHMENT THAT HAS
HASN'T BEEN METED OUT
SINCE THE SIXTH GRADE.
I KNEW YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.
TODAY, STUDENTS, AND I
USE THE TERM HILARIOUSLY,
WE WILL TAKE UP THE
STUDY OF EPISTEMOLOGY.
CAN ANYONE TELL ME
WHAT EPISTEMOLOGY IS?
MR. KREBS.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME, DOC.
THE LONGEST WORD I
KNOW IS DELICATESSEN.
- MR. GILLIS? AND I
WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.
MS. GILROY?
- EPISTEMOLOGY IS THE
STUDY OF KNOWLEDGE ITSELF,
THE ACTUAL PROCESS OF HOW
WE LEARN AND KNOW THINGS.
- THAT IS CORRECT.
- NATURALLY.
- IT NOW BECOMES MY TASK TO
TRY TO TEACH YOU HOW TO THINK,
TO ACQUIRE KNOWLEDGE
AND TO USE IT.
THIS LOOMS AS ONE OF THE
LEAST PROMISING UNDERTAKINGS
IN THE HISTORY OF
EDUCATION, HOWEVER...
- THIS I TAKE IT IS
DR. BURKHART'S CLASS?
- YES.
- YOU, I TAKE IT,
ARE DR. BURKHART?
- YES.
- I AM CLAYPOOL.
- OH, HOW DO YOU
DO, MISS CLAYPOOL.
- NOT MISS CLAYPOOL, CLAYPOOL.
- CLAYPOOL WHAT?
- JUST CLAYPOOL.
- YOU DON'T HAVE ANOTHER NAME?
- WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK
THE SAME BORING QUESTION?
OF COURSE I HAVE ANOTHER
NAME, BUT WHAT DO I NEED WITH IT?
ISN'T CLAYPOOL ENOUGH?
- IT MAY BE MORE THAN ENOUGH.
- WELL, YES, SOME PEOPLE DO
FIND ME RATHER UNSETTLING,
BUT THAT'S A RISK I MUST RUN.
YOU SEE, DR. BURKHART, I HAVE
TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION FAST.
- YOU HAVE SUCCEED WILDLY.
- OH, GOOD. I LACK SECURITY.
- SO THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
- I JUST MOVED TO TOWN.
THIS IS THE EIGHTH TOWN WE
LIVED IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
IT'S ON ACCOUNT OF DADUM'S
BUSINESS THAT WE KEEP MOVING.
- DADUMS WOULD BE YOUR FATHER?
- YES. HE BUILDS BRIDGES.
THERE'S JUST OODLES
OF MONEY IN BRIDGES.
- HOW VERY PLEASANT.
- PERHAPS.
BUT MONEY IS NOT SECURITY.
I MEAN, HERE I AM IN A NEW
TOWN AND A NEW SCHOOL,
AND BY THE TIME I FEEL SECURE
IN THESE STRANGE SETTINGS,
DADUMS WILL BE MOVING AGAIN.
THAT'S WHY I MUST GRAB MY
SECURITY AS FAST AS I CAN.
- CLAYPOOL, I KNOW
THAT THE ENTIRE FACULTY
AND STUDENT BODY
OF THIS UNIVERSITY
JOIN ME IN WISHING YOU
SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
NOW IF YOU WOULD BE GOOD
ENOUGH TO SIT DOWN, PLEASE,
THERE'S A CHAIR RIGHT
THERE IN THE THIRD ROW.
- SO THERE IS, BUT I
WANT OT SIT OVER THERE.
- MAY ONE ASK WHY?
- I LIKE THE LOOKS OF THAT BOY.
- YOU'RE KIDDING, OF COURSE.
- OH, HE'S A DULL ONE, I AGREE.
THAT SLACK JAW,
THOSE VACANT EYES.
STILL HE HAS NO GUILE
AND HE'LL NEVER TRICK ME.
WITH HIM I CAN FIND
INSTANT SECURITY.
- SO GET IT ALREADY. I'VE
GOT A CLASS TO TEACH.
- NOW SEE HERE.
- MISS GILROY AND
ALL THE REST OF YOU,
IF YOU WILL JUST CONTAIN
YOURSELF FOR FIVE SECONDS,
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE.
[BELL RINGS]
- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
HAS HAPPENED.
READ PAGES 208 THROUGH 227
AND TOMORROW WE WILL AGAIN
SET OUR EAGER YOUNG FEET
ON THE ROAD TO EPISTEMOLOGY.
CLASS, AND I USE THE TERM
LAUGHINGLY, DISMISSED.
- FELLOW.
- YES, MA'AM.
- YOU'LL DO. YOU MAY
GO STEADY WITH ME.
- LOOK, MA'AM. I MEAN
NO OFFENSE, BUT...
- TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK,
TALK. ARE YOU BLIND, FELLOW?
I'M RICH, BEAUTIFUL, GLAMOROUS.
TO YOU I REPRESENT YOUR
DEAREST DREAM COME TRUE.
TO ME YOU REPRESENT
INSTANT SECURITY.
SO WHY DAWDLE? HERE IS MY HAND.
- JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED?
- YEAH. HIM.
- BUT YOU JUST GOT THROUGH
TELLING ME I WAS A DEAD HORSE.
- RATHER AN APT SIMILE.
- SO HOW COME EVERYBODY
WANTS HIM IF HE'S A DEAD HORSE?
- HE MAY BE A DEAD HORSE,
BUT HE'S MY DEAD HORSE,
SO KEEP YOUR COTTON
PICKING HANDS OFF.
- SO WHY DON'T YOU LET THE
DEAD HORSE DECIDE FOR HIMSELF?
- BECAUSE HE'S TOO STUPID.
- GOOD POINT.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
I'VE GOT TO THINK.
- I'LL HELP.
- HERE'S MY CHOICE,
ZELDA OR CLAYPOOL.
A TOUGH DECISION.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D DO?
- WHAT?
- REENLIST.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND,
MAYNARD, I'VE GOT TO HAVE A GIRL.
- A GIRL I UNDERSTAND,
BUT ZELDA OR CLAYPOOL?
AH, COME ON.
- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
SO THEY'RE A COUPLE OF WEIRDOS.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,
WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE ME?
- WE'LL ALL BUY THAT.
- SO WHAT IT BOILS
DOWN TO IS THIS.
OF THE TWO WEIRDOS,
WHICH ONE IS THE LEAST WEIRD,
AND THAT'S NOT TOO HARD
TO FIGURE OUT EVEN FOR ME.
- WELL?
- WELL?
- ZELDA, I'M YOURS.
- HA HA! PUT THAT IN
YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT.
- YOU THUMPING, ENORMOUS FOOL.
- WELL, ZELDA, I GUESS
IT'S YOU AND ME, HUH?
- I'M AFRAID SO, DOBIE.
- HORRIBLE PROSPECT ISN'T IT?
- GHASTLY.
- CHEER UP, KIDS. LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
- WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?
- YOU ALWAYS GOT ME.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, DEAR?
- TO MEET ZELDA.
SHE'S GOING TO HELP
ME WITH MY HOMEWORK.
- THAT'S NICE, DEAR.
- IT'S MORE THAN
NICE, IT'S ESSENTIAL.
IF ZELDA DIDN'T DO MY
HOMEWORK FOR ME, I'D FLUNK.
AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I'M A DUMBBELL.
- WHO SAID SO?
- ASK ANYBODY.
- I WOULD LIKE TO SAY A
FEW WORDS ON THAT SUBJECT.
- DON'T YOU DARE
CALL DOBIE A DUMBBELL.
- A DUMBBELL?
THIS IS PROBABLY THE
SMARTEST KID I EVER SAW.
- ME?
- NEVER DOES A LICK OF WORK,
HAS UNLIMITED FUNDS IF I FORGET
TO LOCK THE CASH REGISTER,
CHASES GIRLS ALL DAY,
SLEEPS 14, 15 HOURS A NIGHT,
HOW SMART CAN YOU GET?
- NOW HERBERT.
- YOU ARE GOING TO TRY AND
TELL ME WE SHOULD GET TOGETHER,
BE PAL-ZEES, HAVE LONG
HEART-TO-HEART TALKS?
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- OKAY, WINNIE. LET'S
TRY IT YOUR WAY.
SON, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN
AND HAVE A LONG
HEART-TO-HEART TALK WITH ME,
SORT OF GET TO UNDERSTAND
EACH OTHER BETTER, HUH?
- DAD, WHAT DO WE NEED
TO UNDERSTAND EACH FOR?
I MEAN, WE'VE GOT SUCH A
SOLID RELATIONSHIP NOW,
GOOD CLEAN HONEST HOSTILITY.
I MEAN, WE KNOW WHERE
WE STAND. WHY LOUSE IT UP?
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
BOY? YOU ARE RIGHT.
- SURE I AM, DAD. SO LONG.
- SO LONG.
- OH, SAY, DAD, I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'D LET ME HAVE
SOME MONEY WOULD YOU?
- A FAT EAR I WOULD
LET YOU HAVE, BOY.
- GOOD OLD, DAD.
- GOOD OLD, DOBIE. DON'T SAY IT.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
- LIKE, GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- YOU'RE WAITING FOR ZELDA, HUH?
- HOW COULD YOU TELL?
- YOU LOOK MISERABLE.
- MAYNARD, LET'S BE HONEST.
I LIKE ZELDA, I RESPECT
ZELDA, I ADMIRE ZELDA.
BUT LOVE ZELDA? NO, MAYNARD.
IF I COULD DO ANY
BETTER I WOULD,
BUT LET'S FACE IT, I CAN'T.
- POOR DOBE.
- NEVER MIND POOR DOBE.
THINK OF POOR ZELDA.
HERE'S A GIRL WITH CHARM,
BRAINS, PERSONALITY,
EVERYTHING BUT LOOKS.
SO SHE HAS TO SETTLE
FOR A MEATBALL LIKE ME.
- POOR ZELDA.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU THINK LOOK MISERABLE,
WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT ZELDA
LOOKS LIKE WHEN SHE GETS HERE.
SHE'LL PROBABLY BE IN TEARS.
- HI, DOBIE DUMPLING,
BOY AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.
- ME?
- HIM?
- YOU.
- HOW COME?
- YEAH, HOW COME?
- AH, DOBIE, YOU
KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU,
IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T WANT
TO DRAG YOU THROUGH LIFE
LIKE A DEAD HORSE.
WELL, MAYBE I WON'T HAVE TO.
MAYBE THERE'S A WAY TO
INCREASE YOUR BRAIN POWER.
- MINE?
- HIS?
- YOURS. REMEMBER WHAT
DR. BURKHART SAID TODAY?
- WHO?
- DR. BURKHART, OUR TEACHER.
KIND OF A TALL ONE,
LOTS OF TEETH AND KIND
OF BLONDE, REMEMBER?
- OH, THAT DR. BURKHART, YEAH.
- YEAH. THAT DR. BURKHART.
SHE GAVE US AN
ASSIGNMENT FOR TONIGHT,
WHICH OF COURSE
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN,
SO LET ME TELL YOU.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
STUDY EPISTEMOLOGY,
WHICH IS THE SCIENCE
OF HOW WE KNOW THINGS.
HOW DO WE KNOW THINGS, YOU ASK?
- I DIDN'T ASK, DID YOU, DOBE?
- NOT ME.
- ME NEITHER. MUST
BE AN ECHO IN HERE.
- THE FIRST STEP IN
KNOWLEDGE IS MEMORY.
BEFORE WE CAN
TRULY KNOW ANYTHING,
WE MUST TRAIN OUR MINDS
TO GRASP AND RETAIN FACTS.
IN SHORT, TO REMEMBER.
THIS WE ACCOMPLISH
BY MEANS OF MNEMONICS.
WHAT ARE MNEMONICS YOU ASK?
- I DIDN'T ASK, DID YOU, DOBE?
- NOT ME.
- ME EITHER.
- MNEMONICS IS SIMPLY A FANCY
NAME FOR THE LITTLE MEMORY AIDS
THAT EVERYONE USES.
TAKE FOR EXAMPLE THE POEM
THAT HELPS US REMEMBER THE
YEAR COLUMBUS DISCOVERED AMERICA.
- OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
- SEE, EVEN MAYNARD KNOWS.
- YEAH. IN 1493 COLUMBUS
SAILED THE DEEP BLUE SEA.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S IN 1492
COLUMBUS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
BUTT OUT AND SET UP THIS
EASEL WITH THE BIG CARD ON IT.
DOBIE, IF I CAN TEACH
YOU MNEMONICS,
IF I CAN TEACH TO REMEMBER,
THEN I CAN TEACH YOU TO THINK
AND WE CAN GO THROUGH LIFE
WITH BOTH OF PULLING OUR WEIGHT.
- ZELDA, IF YOU CAN
TEACH ME TO REMEMBER,
YOU'RE A MIRACLE WORKER.
YOU KNOW I'VE GOT THE
WORST MEMORY IN TOWN.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THE
WAY HOME FROM SCHOOL AT NIGHT.
THAT'S WHY HIS MOTHER
HAS TO COME PICK HIM UP.
- EXACTLY MY POINT.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S
OUR FIRST PROJECT.
WE'LL FIND A MNEMONIC TO
TEACH YOU THE WAY HOME.
NOW OBSERVE.
THESE ARE THE STREETS
BETWEEN SCHOOL AND YOUR HOUSE.
GREENBRIAR, SELBY, DALE,
IRVING, WASHINGTON, CHESTNUT.
- YOU DON'T EXPECT ME
TO REMEMBER ALL THAT.
- OF COURSE I DO, POOPSIE.
YOU JUST TAKE THE FIRST
LETTERS OF EACH STREET,
G FOR GREENBRIAR, S
FOR SELBY, AND SO FORTH.
THEN YOU MAKE OF
A SIMPLE SENTENCE
USING ALL OF THESE
FIRST LETTERS.
FOR INSTANCE, G FOR GEORGE,
S FOR STUCK, D FOR DICK,
I FOR IN, W FOR
WET, C FOR CEMENT.
GEORGE STUCK DICK IN WET CEMENT.
SEE HOW SIMPLE IT IS, POOPSIE?
- I THINK THAT'S THE MEANEST,
LOWEST, ROTTENEST TRICK
I EVER HEARD OF.
HOW COME GEORGE
STUCK DICK IN WET CEMENT.
I MEAN, DICK NEVER
DID NOTHING TO GEORGE.
OH, SURE, THEY PROBABLY HAD A
LITTLE ARGUMENT NOW AND THEN,
BUT WHAT FRIENDS DON'T?
I MEAN, TAKE DOBE AND ME.
WE HAVE A LITTLE
ARGUMENT NOW AND THEN,
IN FACT, MOST OF THE TIME,
BUT DO I STICK DOBE
IN WET CEMENT? NO.
BECAUSE WE'RE GOOD BUDDIES.
OH, FOR SHAME,
GEORGE, FOR SHAME.
- MAYNARD, THEY'RE
ONLY MNEMONICS.
- I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE
33RD DEGREE MASONS,
THAT NO WAY TO TREAT A FRIEND.
- MAYNARD, BE A GOOD FELLOW
AND FLAKE OFF, WOULD YOU?
I'M TRYING TO HELP
YOUR GOOD BUDDY.
- DOBIE, YOU DO
UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?
- WELL, I'M NOT SURE.
NATURALLY, I WANT TO LEARN
MY WAY HOME EVERY NIGHT,
BUT I REALLY DO HATE FOR GEORGE
TO BE STICKING DICK
IN THAT WET CEMENT.
- MAYNARD, PACK THE EASEL.
DOBIE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?
- WHAT?
- I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE
HINT. IT'S INITIALS ARE D.H.
- DEAD HORSE?
- CONGRATULATIONS
AND GOODBYE FOREVER.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO?
- PULL DICK OUT OF
THE WET CEMENT.
- NO, MAYNARD.
I FEEL SORRY FOR DICK, OF
COURSE, BUT HE'S ON HIS OWN.
NO, I'VE GOT TO TAKE
CARE OF NUMBER ONE.
I'VE GOT TO FIND ME A GIRL.
- YOUR SEARCH HAS ENDED, FELLOW.
- YOU MEAN, YOU'LL
GO STEADY WITH ME?
- UNLESS MS. GILROY
HERE HAS ANY OBJECTIONS.
- TAKE HIM, SISTER, AND
GOOD LUCK, YOU'LL NEED IT.
- YES. I'LL ADMIT HE'S HARDLY
WHAT ONE WOULD CALL A CATCH.
STILL, WITH A PERSON
AS INSECURE AS I,
THE PULLING AND HAULING
OF A NORMAL COURTSHIP
IS NOT TO BE RECOMMENDED.
SO, THEREFORE, I'M QUITE CONTENT
TO TAKE WHAT NO ONE ELSE WANTS.
- YEP. THAT'S HIM.
- SO FELLOW, TELL YOUR
MOTHER AND FATHER
THAT I'LL BE OVER TO SEE
THEM LATE THIS AFTERNOON.
- WHY DO YOU WANT TO
SEE MY MOTHER AND FATHER?
- DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, FELLOW.
WHAT KIND OF SECURITY CAN I HAVE
UNLESS I SEE THE
STOCK YOU COME FROM?
WHAT IF YOUR FATHER'S
A MEAN, VICIOUS BRUTE?
- WHO SQUEALED? WHO WAS THE
LOUDMOUTH THAT SPREAD THE WORD?
- AND ON THE OTHER HAND,
I WANT THEM TO MEET ME.
I WANT THEM TO BE SURE
THAT I'M THE KIND OF GIRL THEY
WANT FOR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.
- HMM.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
SO WORRIED ABOUT, DEAR.
IF SHE'S YOUR CHOICE, OF
COURSE WE'LL LOVE HER.
- HOLD THE PHONE, WINNIE.
AND DOBIE, JUST A MINUTE.
I'D LIKE TO KNOW A LITTLE
MORE ABOUT THIS HERE GIRL.
- WELL, SHE'S A PERFECTLY
WONDERFUL GIRL.
THE THING IS, SHE'S
A LITTLE BIT UNUSUAL.
- WHAT SHE IS, IS
NUTTY AS A CHI CHI BIRD.
- OH, TALK ABOUT THE POT
CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.
- HUSH, MAYNARD. DOBIE,
TELL US ABOUT THIS GIRL.
- WHAT KETTLE?
- YEAH. DOES SHE COME
FROM A GOOD FAMILY,
IS SHE HEALTHY AND NORMAL
AND ALL KINDS OF
STUFF LIKE THAT THERE?
- I DON'T SEE NO POT.
- WELL, SURE. BUT...
- BUT WHAT?
- AND I DON'T SEE
NO KETTLE NEITHER.
- WELL, SHE'S KIND OF
DIFFERENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE.
- DIFFERENT IN WHAT WAY, DEAR?
- WELL, LOTS OF WAYS.
THE WAY SHE COMES
INTO A ROOM FOR INSTANCE.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, DEAR.
HOW CAN ONE PERSON COME
INTO A ROOM ANY DIFFERENTLY
FROM ANY OTHER PERSON?
- DOES THAT ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?
- THESE I TAKE IT
ARE THE PARENTS?
- MOM, DAD, THIS IS CLAYPOOL.
JUST... JUST CLAYPOOL.
- OH, YES, QUIET AND
DISTINGUISHED, DRAB, WORK WORN.
DULL OF COURSE, BUT RELIABLE.
YOU MAY KISS ME.
- STOP THE KISSING!
CLAYPOOL, GET YOUR
PACHYDERM AND PACK IT IN.
YOU'RE THROUGH HERE.
I'M TAKING DOBIE BACK.
- BUT ZELDA, THIS MORNING
YOU SAID THAT YOU...
- THAT WAS THIS MORNING.
THIS IS THIS AFTERNOON.
- YOU MEAN YOU WANT ME BACK?
- IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF WANT,
IT'S A QUESTION OF
PROTECTING AN INVESTMENT.
I'VE GOT YEARS TIED
UP IN YOU, MISTER,
AND I'M NOT GIVING YOU UP.
- I'M CONFUSED.
- OH, IT'S SIMPLE, DOBE.
SHE ONLY WANTS YOU
WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE DOES.
- YOU COULD BE RIGHT.
NO, ZELDA, I'M NOT A YO-YO TO
BE SENT AWAY AND PULLED BACK
WHENEVER THE MOOD STRIKES YOU.
I'M STICKING WITH CLAYPOOL.
- LET'S NOT BE HASTY, BOY.
- THAT'S RIGHT, DEAR.
I'M SURE THAT CLAYPOOL
IS A WONDERFUL GIRL,
BUT AFTER ALL, YOU DO
HAVE A GREAT MANY YEARS
TIED UP WITH ZELDA.
- RIGHT. NOW, WE ALL ADMIT THAT
ZELDA AIN'T NO RAVING BEAUTY,
NO OFFENSE, AND THAT
SHE'S A KOOK, NO OFFENSE,
BUT AT LEAST SHE AIN'T A
KOOK WITH AN ELEPHANT.
- AND THAT IS RATHER IMPORTANT,
DEAR, IN CHOOSING A WIFE.
YOU MUST TRY TO GET
ONE WITHOUT AN ELEPHANT.
- IT ISN'T AS THOUGH I
REALLY WANT CLAYPOOL,
BUT NOBODY ELSE WILL HAVE ME.
IT USED TO BE I ALWAYS HAD
ZELDA WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN,
BUT LATELY I CAN'T
DEPEND ON HER.
- DOBIE, YOU COME
BACK TO ME THIS TIME,
AND I PROMISE
YOU IT'S FOR KEEPS.
- YOU'RE SURE?
- POSITIVE.
- MAKE UP YOUR MIND, FELLOW,
MY SECURITY IS
DWINDLING BY THE MINUTE.
- LOOK, CLAYPOOL,
IT ISN'T AS THOUGH YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE ANY TROUBLE
FINDING ANOTHER FELLOW,
A PRETTY GIRL LIKE YOU.
- YEAH.
WITH AN ELEPHANT
THAT'S EVEN PRETTIER.
- I'M SORRY, CLAYPOOL.
PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
AS THEY SAY IN
GERMAN, C'EST LA VIE.
- OH, BOY.
- THANK GOODNESS.
- YEAH.
WINNIE, DO YOU
EVER GET THE FEELING
THAT THERE'S A CURSE ON US?
- COME AND GET 'EM,
LOVE AND COURTSHIP FANS,
THE NAMES AND NUMBERS
OF ALL THE PLAYERS.
YEP. YOU CAN'T TELL
THE SWEETHEARTS
WITHOUT A SCORE CARD, SO
LET'S RECAP THE GAME SO FAR.
FIRST YOU'LL REMEMBER I PROPOSED
TO ZELDA AND SHE LAUGHED.
SCORE ONE FOR ZELDA.
THEN CLAYPOOL GRABBED ME
AND ZELDA CAME RUNNING BACK.
SCORE ONE FOR ME.
NEXT, JUST BECAUSE SHE
COULDN'T TEACH ME TO THINK
ZELDA DUMPED ME AND
CLAYPOOL GOT LUCKY.
SURE ENOUGH, AS SOON AS I TOOK
CLAYPOOL HOME TO MEET THE FOLKS,
BOOM, ZELDA'S BACK
AND DOBIE'S GOT HER.
AND THAT'S THE
WAY IT STANDS NOW.
ZELDA'S IN THE LEAD BY ONE
AS THIS DRAMATIC STRUGGLE
MOVES INTO THE FIFTH INNING.
HANG ONTO YOUR SEAT
CUSHIONS, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
- DOBIE, WE'VE BEEN WORKING
ON THIS MEMORY TRAINING SYSTEM
FOR WEEKS AND YOU'RE
NOT MAKING ANY PROGRESS.
NOW PLAY CLOSE ATTENTION
AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- WHY DON'T YOU QUIT TRYING
TO SMARTEN ME UP, ZELDA,
AND TAKE ME AS I AM?
- LOOK, DOBIE, YOU'LL
NEVER BE GENIUS,
BUT THERE'S NO REASON WHY YOU
CAN'T BE A HIGH-GRADE DUMBBELL.
NOW LET'S GET BACK TO MNEMONICS.
YOU DO REMEMBER WHAT
MNEMONICS ARE, DON'T YOU?
- I FORGOT.
- MNEMONICS ARE LITTLE TRICKS
TO HELP US REMEMBER THINGS.
NOW, FOR INSTANCE, THIS IS A
DIAGRAM OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM.
AND HERE IN ORDER OF
THEIR CLOSENESS TO THE SUN
ARE THE PLANETS.
MERCURY, VENUS, EARTH,
MARS, JUPITER, SATURN,
URANUS, NEPTUNE, AND PLUTO.
IF YOU USE ONE SIMPLE MNEMONIC,
I CAN TEACH YOU ALL
THIS IN FIVE MINUTES.
THINK OF THE SUN AS A CAMPFIRE.
THINK OF THE PLANETS AS KIDS
SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE,
KIDS YOU'VE KNOWN ALL YOUR LIFE.
NOW, TAKE MERCURY.
MERCURY IS MARIAN GILBERT.
GET IT? M FOR
MERCURY, M FOR MARIAN.
AND SITTING OVER HERE
NEXT TO MARIAN IS VAN SMITH.
VAN FOR VENUS.
AND WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
EARTH. WHY THAT'S ETHEL JONES.
AND SITTING HERE NEXT TO
ETHEL IS MARS, THAT'S MILTON KING.
- HAVE YOU GOT ETHEL
SITTING NEXT TO MILTON?
- YES.
- WELL, YOU CAN'T DO
THAT. ETHEL HATES MILTON.
SHE HASN'T TALKED
TO HIM SINCE THAT TIME
HE GAVE HER THAT GOLD LOCKET
THAT TURNED GREEN OVERNIGHT.
- DOBIE.
- AND HERE YOU'VE
GOT VAN WITH MARIAN.
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
BETTER THAN THAT.
HE GOT MARRIED LAST
YEAR TO IMOGENE TIBBLES
AND MOVED TO DULUTH.
THEY'VE GOT A SET OF TWINS.
- ENOUGH.
- YOU'RE WALKING
OUT ON ME AGAIN?
- AS FAST AS MY LITTLE
FAT LEGS WILL CARRY ME.
- OKAY, ZELDA, BUT
BEFORE YOU GO,
THERE'S ONE THING
I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THE PLANETS OF
THE SOLAR SYSTEM
IN ORDER OF THEIR NEARNESS
TO THE SUN ARE AS FOLLOWS:
MERCURY, VENUS, EARTH,
MARS, JUPITER, SATURN,
URANUS, NEPTUNE, AND PLUTO.
- WHY THAT'S ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
- FURTHERMORE, THE STREETS
ON THE WAY FROM SCHOOL ARE
GREENBRIAR, SELBY, DALE, IRVING,
WASHINGTON, AND CHESTNUT.
- WHY, DOBIE, YOU
LEARNED HOW TO REMEMBER.
- THANKS TO YOU.
- IN FACT, YOU'VE
LEARNED HOW TO THINK.
- THANKS TO YOU.
- WELL, WELL, THIS PUTS A WHOLE
NEW COMPLEXION ON THINGS.
- IT SURE DOES.
AND NOW, ZELDA, THAT
I'VE LEARNED HOW TO THINK,
I'M NOT GOING TO LET
YOU WALK OUT ON ME.
- I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.
- BECAUSE I'M
WALKING OUT ON YOU.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- ZELDA, LISTEN TO HOW
WELL YOU TAUGHT ME TO THINK.
YOU AND I HAVE BEEN
RATTLING AROUND TOGETHER
PRACTICALLY SINCE WE WERE BORN.
A MILLION TIMES WE'VE
COME CLOSE TO THE ALTAR,
AND A MILLION TIMES
WE'VE SHIED AWAY.
SOMETIMES YOU CHICKENED
OUT, SOMETIMES ME.
BUT IN ANY CASE,
IT NEVER HAPPENED.
WELL, NOW THAT I CAN THINK I
KNOW IT WHY IT NEVER HAPPENED.
BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF US
REALLY WANTED IT TO HAPPEN.
TRUE, ZELDA?
- TRUE, DOBIE.
- SO WHY DO WE KEEP
KNOCKING OURSELVES OUT?
WE CAN'T EVER BE A
HOT ROMANTIC ITEM,
BUT WE COULD BE FRIENDS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, ZELDA?
- YOU GOT IT, PAL.
- I'M WITH YOU, PAL.
- YOU'RE THINKING
REAL GOOD, DOBE.
- THANK YOU, ZELDA.
- EXCEPT FOR ONE ITEM.
A FELLOW LIKE YOU
HAS GOT TO HAVE A GIRL.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO FIND ONE?
- I'VE THOUGHT EXACTLY
WHERE I'LL FIND ONE.
I ONLY HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE.
- TOO LATE FOR WHAT, FELLOW?
- CLAYPOOL, I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL
THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED,
BUT FROM NOW ON IT'S
GOING TO BE DIFFERENT.
- DIFFERENT HOW, FELLOW?
- LISTEN, I'VE RECENTLY
LEARNED HOW TO THINK.
- HOW NICE FOR YOU.
- AND I MADE... THANK YOU.
AND I MADE UP MY MIND
TO ACCEPT YOUR OFFER,
AND I DON'T CARE
WHAT ANYBODY SAYS,
I'LL GO STEADY WITH YOU.
- THE CARAVAN HAS
PASSED, FELLOW.
- CARAVAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.
- BUT YOU SAID...
- I SAID I NEED A BOY
FOR MY SECURITY,
BUT I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU,
AND I'VE BEEN WATCHING
THAT ZELDA PERSON
TEACH YOU HOW TO THINK,
AND I KNEW IT WAS ONLY A MATTER
OF TIME BEFORE SHE SUCCEEDED,
AND FELLOW, I DON'T
WANT A BOY WHO CAN THINK.
- HOW COME?
- BECAUSE A BOY WHO CAN
THINK IS A BOY WHO CAN PLOT,
AND A BOY WHO CAN PLOT
IS A BOY WHO CAN SCHEME,
AND A BOY WHO CAN SCHEME IS
NOT A BOY I CAN HAVE SECURITY WITH.
- LISTEN, CLAYPOOL, I
DON'T THINK ALL THAT GOOD.
- SORRY, FELLOW. I
HAVE SELECTED ANOTHER.
- WHOM?
- HI, DOBE, HI, GIRL,
HI, ELEPHANT HONEY.
- MAYNARD, MY BEST FRIEND,
A LOVE THIEF. GIVE HER BACK.
- OH, NO YOU DON'T. GO
FIND YOUR OWN ELEPHANT.
- NOT THE ELEPHANT,
YOU FOOL, THE GIRL.
- OH, YEAH. WELL,
YOU CAN HAVE HER.
- NO, BEARDED ONE.
I STAY WITH YOU.
- WELL, DOBE, THOSE
ARE THE BREAKS.
- OKAY, MAYNARD. KEEP HER.
AND I WISH YOU A
LOT OF HAPPINESS.
MAY YOU LIVE A HUNDRED
YEARS, THE ELEPHANT THAT IS.
- WHAT HAPPENED TO DOBE?
- HE LEARNED HOW TO THINK.
- POOR DEVIL.
- PROMISE ME, BEARDED ONE,
THAT YOU WILL NEVER
LEARN HOW TO THINK.
- SCOUT'S HONOR.
- HOW ABOUT A KISS?
- OKAY.
- THIS LOOKS COMPLICATED,
BUT IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.
SEE, ZELDA WON OUT BY
NOT GETTING STUCK WITH ME.
CLAYPOOL SCORED BECAUSE
SHE GOT HER CHOICE,
NAMELY MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, HE GOT THE
ELEPHANT OF HIS HEART'S DESIRE,
AND ME, I...
WELL... WELL, I'M...
WHAT I AM IS DEAD.
- THERE YOU ARE.
SAY, IF ANY CUSTOMERS CAN
RESIST THIS DISPLAY OF PEANUTS,
MY NAME AIN'T HERBERT T. GILLIS.
- IT'S LOVELY, DEAR.
- OH, YEAH.
- LIKE, HI, MRS.
G. LIKE, HI, MR. G.
LIKE HI, DOBE G.,
HEY, THAT'S YOU,
DOBE G. YOU SEE...
- I KNOW. I KNOW,
MAYNARD. AND GOODBYE.
- WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM
TOO HAPPY TO SEE ME, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, HOW CAN
YOU COME AROUND HERE
AFTER STEALING MY GIRL?
- OH, THAT'S ALL
OVER, GOOD BUDDY.
CLAYPOOL MOVED TO CLEVELAND.
HER FATHER'S GOING TO
BUILD A BRIDGE IN CLEVELAND.
I WONDER WHAT THEY NEED
WITH A BRIDGE IN CLEVELAND?
- I DON'T KNOW, MAYNARD.
I WISH HE'D BUILD IT HERE
SO YOU COULD JUMP OFF IT,
AND GOODBYE.
- NICE FELLOW.
HEY, MR. G., YOU'RE GONNA
FIND ME THE MOST PLEASANT,
AGREEABLE FELLOW WHO
EVER MOVED IN WITH YOU.
- WHO IS MOVING IN WITH WHO?
- IT'S JUST TEMPORARY, MR. G.,
ONLY, LIKE, FOR A FEW YEARS.
- MAYNARD, DEAR, YOU
CAN'T MOVE WITH IN WITH US.
WHAT WOULD YOUR PARENTS SAY?
- IT'S KIND OF,
LIKE, THEIR IDEA.
- WELL, IT'S KIND
OF, LIKE, MY IDEA
THAT YOU GO RIGHT BACK, NOW.
- NOW, HERBERT, IT WON'T
HURT US TO HAVE THE BOY HERE
FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
HE'S PROBABLY HAD A
LITTLE SPAT AT HOME.
- LITTLE? IT WAS MORE
LIKE WORLD WAR III.
- WELL, YOU CAN STAY HERE
FOR A SHORT TIME ANYWAY, DEAR,
UNTIL THINGS COOL DOWN.
- OH, BLESS YOUR OLD
GRAY HEAD, MRS. G.,
AND BLESS YOUR
OLD GRAY HEAD, MR. G.
- WATCH IT, MAYNARD.
I SPENT ALL DAY MAKING THIS
GORGEOUS GOOBER DISPLAY
LOOK ARTISTIC.
- OF COURSE YOU
CAN STAY HERE, DEAR.
DID YOU BRING YOUR THINGS?
- I'M GLAD YOU ASKED
THAT QUESTION, YES.
- THEN BRING THEM IN.
- OH, YOU'RE ALL HEART, MRS. G.
CHOW TIME!
- NO. NO. NO!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL GOOBERS.
- OH, NO.
- OH, LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING
DOWN AT 2:00 A.M. IN THE MORNING?
OR IS IT 4:00 P.M.
IN THE AFTERNOON?
I DON'T TELL TIME TOO GOOD.
- EVER SINCE YOUR
FOLKS THREW YOU OUT
AND YOU MOVED IN WITH ME,
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET
THREE SECONDS OF
SLEEP THANKS TO YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YOU'VE CROWDED ME OUT OF
EVERY INCH OF SPACE IN MY OWN ROOM.
- OH, DOBE, THAT AIN'T FAIR.
DON'T I GIVE YOU ALL
THE ROOM YOU NEED
RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR?
- BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BED?
- OH, YEAH, IT'S VERY
COMFORTABLE. THANK YOU.
- MAYNARD!
- MAN, AM I SLEEPY.
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WAKE UP.
MAYNARD.
- GOOD MORNING. TIME
TO GET UP ALREADY?
OH, PLEASE, CAN'T I
HAVE TWO MORE WINKS?
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WAKE UP! MAYNARD!
- GOOD MORNING. THAT
WAS ONLY ONE WINK.
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WAKE UP! MAYNARD!
- GOOD MORNING.
- THAT WAS WINK NUMBER TWO.
- WINK NUMBER TWO, YEAH.
NOW GO UPSTAIRS AND
START ON WINK NUMBER THREE
IN YOUR OWN BED, SO
I CAN GET SOME SLEEP.
- WELL, I CAN'T DO THAT, DOBE.
I MEAN, AFTER YOU FINISHED
TOSSING AND TURNING ON THE FLOOR
AND CAME DOWN HERE, I
COULDN'T GET TO SLEEP.
SOMETHING WAS BOTHERING ME.
- OH, YOUR CONSCIENCE, HUH?
- NO, THE ELEPHANT.
HE WAS LONESOME
DOWN IN THE CELLAR
AND COME UPSTAIRS
TO SLEEP WITH ME.
- AND THE ELEPHANT'S
UPSTAIRS IN MY BED?
- TRUE.
- AND YOU CAME
DOWNSTAIRS TO TELL ME?
- TRUE. AIN'T I SWEET?
- ADORABLE.
NOW, MAYNARD, IF YOUR
SPECIAL SLEEPY-TIME BULLETIN
IS CONCLUDED, I'LL
SAY GOOD NIGHT.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
- MAYNARD, I THINK
I'LL GO UPSTAIRS
AND TAKE MY CHANCES
WITH THE ELEPHANT.
NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST MAKE
YOURSELF COMFORTABLE...