The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Beast with Twenty Fingers - full transcript

Maynard and Mr. Gillis' pinkies become entrapped in a Gypsy Love Link bought from a band of novelty-selling Gypsies. While Mr. Gillis and Maynard (beardless and in drag!) attend the grocer's convention, Dobie sets out in search of the secret to unlocking them (but ends up locking lips with the fiery Natasha).

- HELLO, GROCERS,

IT IS WITH A DEEP
SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY

THAT I ACCEPT THIS GREAT
AND GLORIOUS HONOR

WHICH YOU HAVE THRUST UPON ME,

AND I DESERVE IT.

THE GROCER-ELECTED
GROCER OF THE YEAR,

MUST BE A GROCER OF STERLING
CHARACTER AND GREAT MODESTY,

AND LEAVE US FACE IT, I
AM JUST SUCH A GROCER,

ESPECIALLY THE PART
ABOUT THE GREAT MODESTY,

AND I THANK YOU.

- SIMMER DOWN, HERBERT.



"A," THE GROCER'S CONVENTION
ISN'T UNTIL TOMORROW,

B, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ELECTED YET,

AND C, YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN BOUGHT THE SUIT

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR.

- OH, DETAILS, DETAILS.

I'M A CINCH TO BE ELECTED.

AIN'T I JUST STUFFED WITH
THAT STERLING CHARACTER

THEY'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT?

- TRUE.

- AND GREAT MODESTY?
- TRUE.

AND YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE THAT'S RUNNING.

- OH, OKAY. SO I'M
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

BUT DOGGONE IT, WINNIE, OOH,
I'M JUST SO EAGER TO GET ELECTED

THAT I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL
ALL DIZZY AND RATTLE-BRAINED



AND WEAK IN THE HEAD.

- YOU RANG?

- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.

- HELLO, MAYNARD. YOU'RE
LOOKING GOOD FOR YOU.

- AHA, THESE EYES
FOOLED YOU, HUH, MR. G.?

I GOT THEM FROM
THIS MAN THAT SELLS

TRICKS AND NOVELTIES DOWNTOWN.

BUT ALSO I GOT SOME
OF THESE OTHER TRICKS,

I GOT A SIBERIAN HAND BUZZER.

- MAYNARD. I'M GONNA...

- I GOT SOME AUSTRALIAN
SNEEZING POWDER.

BUT BEST OF ALL... GOD
BLESS YOU... BEST OF ALL

I GOT THIS GENUINE...
GOD BLESS YOU...

THIS GENUINE AUTHENTIC
GYPSY LOVE LINK. GOD BLESS YOU.

HEY, MRS. G., YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY THEY CALL IT A LOVE LINK?

- NO. BUT I'M SURE THAT
MR. GILLIS WOULD LOVE...

- GOD BLESS YOU.

WELL, THEY CALL IT A LOVE LINK
ON ACCOUNT OF IT LINKS LOVERS.

- MAYNARD...

- WHAT YOU DO IS YOU FIND
THE ONE YOU LOVE MOST

IN THE WHOLE WORLD...
- OUT.

- AND YOU PUT YOUR
FINGER IN THIS END, SEE?

- MAYNARD...

- AND THEN YOU FIND THE
ONE YOU LOVE THE MOST...

- AND YOU TAKE THEIR FINGER
AND YOU PUT IT IN THE OTHER END

AND THEN IT LINKS YOU.
- MAYNARD.

- IT'S PROBABLY CROSSING
YOUR MIND THE WAY IT IS MINE,

THAT IF DAD ISN'T CAREFUL,

HE'S GOING TO GET HIS FINGER
STUCK IN THAT SCREWY LOVE LINK.

BUT ASK YOURSELF, IS
HERBERT T. GILLIS THAT DUMB?

WOULD HE DO A
RIDICULOUS THING LIKE THAT?

WELL, YEAH, HE IS AND HE DID.

- WE'LL BE NEVER EVER PARTED.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

IF THERE IS ONE THING I
HAVE ALWAYS WANTED,

IT HAS BEEN A GYPSY
LOVE LINK ON MY FINGER.

- ANY TIME.
- MM-HMM.

NOW GET IT OFF BEFORE
I AM UP FOR MAYHEM,

AND YOU ARE THE MAYHEMEE.

- I'D BE HAPPY TO.
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW HOW.

[JAZZ THEME]

- THIS IS A GYPSY LOVE LINK,

SOMETIMES KNOWN
AS A FINGER GRIPPER.

THEY'RE INNOCENT LITTLE
GADGETS MADE OF STRAW.

THEY MAKE CUTE PARTY FAVORS.

TO GET OUT OF THEM, YOU
JUST PUSH INSTEAD OF PULL.

YOU JUST PUSH...
WELL, NEVER MIND.

THE THING IS, THE ONE MAYNARD
AND MY DAD GOT STUCK IN

TURNED OUT TO BE A
RATHER SPECIAL ONE.

OUTSIDE IT WAS STRAW,
INSIDE BRAIDED STEEL.

HOW'D WE FIND OUT?

THE HARD WAY, HOW ELSE?

- DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHT
TO HAVE ON YOUR GLASSES?

- OF COURSE.

- WELL, WHERE ARE THEY?
- UPSTAIRS.

- UH-HUH, WELL, YOU
GO LOOK FOR THEM,

BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU FIND THEM,

WE'RE STILL GOING TO
HAVE TO TALK THIS OVER.

- YOU'VE GOT TO
GIVE MY DAD CREDIT.

HE CAN THINK IN A CRISIS,

AND SUDDENLY HE REMEMBERED
THAT DOWN IN THE BASEMENT

WAS THE HERBERT T.
GILLIS HOME WORKSHOP.

$2,000 WORTH OF PRECISION
TOOLS WAITING QUIETLY IN THE DARK

UNDER A MANTLE OF DUST,

FOR THE CHALLENGE
OF A GYPSY LOVE LINK.

THE ANSWER WAS SO SIMPLE.

IF YOU'VE GOT TO SHEAR
METAL, USE A METAL SHEARS.

THERE WAS A HITCH THOUGH.

BEFORE A METAL
SHEARS STARTS SHEARING,

IT'S GOT TO DO A CERTAIN
AMOUNT OF PINCHING.

SO THEY DECIDED TO
TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

THE ANSWER WAS
RIGHT AT THEIR ELBOWS.

DAD'S DANDY POWER SAW.

HERE WERE HUNDREDS OF
CASE-HARDENED STEEL TEETH

THAT COULD RIP THROUGH A HICKORY
BEAM IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.

THE ONLY TROUBLE WAS

MAYNARD AND MY FATHER
WEREN'T WEARING A HICKORY BEAM,

BUT A GYPSY LOVE LINK.

WERE THEY DISCOURAGED?

YOU BET THEY WERE.

THEY STILL CAME UP
WITH A BRIGHT IDEA.

DAD'S ACETYLENE TORCH.

THIS IS WHAT THEY USE WHEN
THEY SLICE OLD BATTLESHIPS

UP INTO ASHTRAYS.

IT MELTS ITS WAY THROUGH
STEEL LIKE IT WAS BUTTER.

ALSO, IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL,

IT MELTS ITS WAY THROUGH
FINGERS LIKE THEY WERE BUTTER.

IT WAS SCARY.

I MEAN, THERE SEEMED TO BE
ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF UNLINKING

MAYNARD AND MY FATHER.

AS THE SAYING GOES, WILD
HORSES COULDN'T PULL THEM APART.

- WHOA!

- WHEN SOME PEOPLE ARE
TRAPPED IN HOPELESS SITUATIONS,

THEY WEEP.

OTHERS STORM AND RAGE.
SOME FALL INTO A FUNK.

BUT THOSE OF TRULY
FINE CHARACTER

LIKE MY FATHER,
HERBERT T. GILLIS,

BEAR THEIR BURDEN
QUIETLY, PEACEFULLY, CALMLY.

NO, DAD.

BELTING MAYNARD WON'T
SOLVE THE PROBLEM.

- MAYBE NOT, BUT IT'LL
MAKE ME FEEL AWFUL GOOD.

- HERBERT, TRY TO RELAX.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF HOT TEA?

- YES, PLEASE. VERY HOT. I
WANT TO POUR IT ON HIS HEAD.

- LOOK, THERE'S NO
REASON TO GET SO SHOOK UP.

THIS GYPSY FELLOW WHO SOLD
THE FINGER GRIPPER TO MAYNARD

MUST KNOW HOW IT WORKS.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND HIM.

- RIGHT. THERE'S
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

- RIGHT. IT'S VERY EASY.
- RIGHT. WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

- WRONG, I DON'T REMEMBER
WHERE I BOUGHT IT.

- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T MEAN THAT.
- WANNA BET?

- HOW COULD YOU FORGET

A PLAIN, SIMPLE,
UNCOMPLICATED THING LIKE THAT?

- AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.

- MAYNARD, THIS IS AWFULLY
IMPORTANT. TRY TO REMEMBER.

- OH, WAIT, WAIT.

YEAH. IT'S COMING BACK.
I CAN SEE IT ALL NOW.

HE WAS STANDING ON THE
CORNER OF FIFTH AND MAIN.

YEAH. AND HE HAD A
BANDANA AROUND HIS HEAD

AND EARRINGS IN HIS EARS.

- ATTA BOY, MAYNARD.

- QUICK, SON. RUN DOWN TO FIFTH
AND MAIN AND GRAB THAT GYPSY.

- WAIT, DAD. I KNOW MAYNARD.
- OR WAS IT FOURTH AND ELM?

- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- OR WAS IT 12th AND LAKE?

OR WAS IT MAIN AND ELM?

- MAYNARD, MAKE UP YOUR HEAD

WHILE IT'S STILL
CONNECTED TO YOU.

NOW, WHICH CORNER
WAS THE GYPSY ON

WHEN HE SOLD YOU THOSE TRICKS?

- ON ALL OF THEM, MR. G.,

YOU SEE, HE HAS THIS
HORSE AND WAGON

AND HE TRAVELS AROUND
TOWN SELLING THINGS.

BUT THAT'S WHAT HE IS, A
TRAVELING GYPSY SALESMAN.

AND I BOUGHT A DIFFERENT
TRICK ON EVERY CORNER.

BUT I RAN OUT OF MONEY
BEFORE HE RAN OUT OF CORNERS.

- MAYNARD, LISTEN, WHERE WAS
THE LAST PLACE YOU SAW THIS GYPSY?

- HEADING OUT OF TOWN
FOR THE WIDE OPEN SPACES.

- I'M DOOMED.

- BUT HE'LL BE BACK.
- GOOD.

- IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.
- BAD.

- HERBERT, PLEASE DON'T CRY.
- DON'T CRY?

I GOT TO WANDER AROUND
FOR YEARS AND YEARS

HOOKED UP TO THIS KNOTHEAD?

WELL, I WON'T DO
IT. I'LL QUIT FIRST.

TAKE ME. I'M READY TO GO.
I GOT NOTHING TO LIVE FOR.

TAKE ME.

- NO, MR. G., DON'T GO,

BECAUSE WHERE
YOU GO I GOTTA, TOO,

AND I WANT TO UP AND WHO KNOWS
WHICH WAY YOU'RE GONNA GO?

NO OFFENSE.

- LET'S FIGURE
THIS OUT LOGICALLY.

THOSE GYPSIES COULDN'T TRAVEL
VERY FAR IN A HORSE AND WAGON.

IT OUGHT TO BE A
CINCH TO FIND THEM.

- YEAH. THEY WERE
HEADING FOR SOME BIG CITY

THAT STARTED WITH AN S.

- AHA. WAS IT ST. LOUIS?
- NO.

- SEATTLE?
- NO. TRY SAN FRANCISCO.

- SAN FRANCISCO?
- NO.

- YOU KNOW THAT
MAYNARD CAN'T SPELL.

STARTS WITH AN S.

HE'S PROBABLY THINKING OF
SOME TOWN LIKE CLEVELAND.

- THAT'S IT, THAT'S WERE
THE GYPSIES WERE GOING.

- CLEVELAND?
- DETROIT.

- DETROIT. WHO
MENTIONED DETROIT?

- I DID. WASN'T YOU
PAYING ATTENTION.

- DETROIT, THAT MEANS
THEY'RE HEADING NORTH.

YOUR WORRIES ARE
OVER, DAD. I'LL FIND THEM.

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

HAVE YOU SEEN A BAND OF GYPSIES
DRIVING A HORSE AND WAGON?

THEY'D BE SELLING
GYPSY LOVE LINKS

AND SIBERIAN HAND BUZZERS.

SIR... SIR, THAT'S A
VERY RUDE GESTURE.

WELL, SAME TO YOU, FELLA.

- WE ARE STUCK TOGETHER
UNTIL DOBIE GETS BACK,

SO I DON'T WANT
YOU GET IN MY WAY.

- RIGHT, YOU GO YOUR
WAY AND I'LL GO MINE.

- RIGHT.

AND MY WAY HAPPENS TO
BE TO GET OUT OF SIGHT.

HERE COMES THAT
LOUDMOUTH, MRS. FOGERTY,

WHO'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING
ABOUT HOW MUCH I CHISEL HER.

- YEAH. AND MY WAY IS OVER
THERE TO THE COMIC BOOKS.

I SURE DO DIG MIGHTY MOUSE.

- MAYNARD, COME BACK
HERE. HELP ME OUT.

TELL HER I'M NOT HERE.
- WELL...

- I'LL GIVE YOU 50 CENTS.
- WELL...

- I'LL GIVE YOU 75 CENTS.

- WELL, MAKE IT A
QUARTER AND IT'S A DEAL.

- IT'S A DEAL, AND TELL
HER I'M OUT OF TOWN.

- AND THERE ARE SOME
PEOPLE WHO SAY I AIN'T SHREWD.

- WHERE IS THAT LOW DOWN,
CROOKED, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING,

HERBERT T. GILLIS?

- OH, YOU KNOW HIM, HUH?
- YOU BET I KNOW HIM.

AND WHEN I FIND HIM,
I'M GOING TO CLOBBER HIM

WITH THIS HAMBURGER-TYPE
MEAT HE SOLD ME, THE THIEF.

WHERE IS HE?

- OH, HE WAS JUST
HERE A SECOND...

OW. OH, NO. NO.
HE'S OUT OF TOWN.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- NO.

OW. OOH... OH, YES, I MEAN.

I BETTER STICK TO MY
STORY. HE'S OUT OF TOWN.

- JUST WAIT TILL HE
GETS BACK. LOOK AT THIS.

THERE'S SO MUCH FAT IN IT,
IT LOOKS LIKE A WHITE SALE.

- YOU THINK THAT'S BAD,

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
WHAT HE SOLD MY MOM.

SHE TRIED TO FEED IT TO OUR CAT,
AND IT REPORTED HER TO THE SPCA.

- I WANT MY MONEY BACK, $3.73.

- AND YOU DESERVE
EVERY PENNY OF IT.

OW!

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE THAT, MR. G.

NOW, SHE'S GOING
TO KNOW YOU'RE HERE.

- $3.73, MR. GILLIS.

- AND YOU OWE ME A
QUARTER FOR TELLING HER

YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN.

- MY SON, MY SON, HURRY
BACK AND COME HOME

BEFORE I STRANGLE
YOUR BEST FRIEND.

PLEASE.

- POOR DAD. POOR MAYNARD.

I'LL NEVER FIND THOSE
DARN GYPSIES NOW.

I MEAN, I CAN'T EXPECT TO STAND
OUT HERE 50 MILES FROM NO PLACE

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HEAR
GYPSY VIOLINS AND TAMBOURINES.

[MUSIC]

GREAT SCOTT, IT'S
THE GYPSY CAMP!

[MUSIC]

PARDON ME.

UH, SIR.

- POLICE!

WE ARE HONEST,
HARD-WORKING PEOPLE.

IT IS A FALSE FALSEHOOD TO
SAY THAT ALL GYPSIES ARE THIEVES

AND CROOKS AND
WILD LIKE WILD INDIANS.

- LOOK, SIR, I'M TRYING TO FIND
THE HEAD MAN AROUND HERE.

IT'S ABOUT A GYPSY LOVE
LINK MY FRIEND BOUGHT.

- OH, YOU WANT TO
PUT US ALL IN JAIL, HUH?

- NO, SIR. IT'S
NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I'M ONLY A COLLEGE BOY.

- OH, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

HEY, THIS KID IS OKAY.

HE'S ONLY A CIVILIAN.

- KING STANISLAUS?

EXCUSE ME, MISS,
BUT COULD YOU...

WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, A
LITTLE GRIMY, BUT GORGEOUS.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT,
LITTLE PUMPERNICKEL?

- I'M LOOKING FOR
THE HEAD GYPSY.

- OH, YOU SPEAKING
OF KING STANISLAUS?

- UH-HUH. YEAH.

- MY VERY BELOVED,
DISTINGUISHED FATHER?

- UH-HUH, YEAH.

- HE DOES NOT HAVE TO TALK.
- YEAH. I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

- I'M HIS DAUGHTER
NATASHA. I TAKE CARE OF YOU.

- NATASHA STANISLAUS,
SUBSTITUTION APPROVED.

- GET TO THE POINT, BUSTER,
OR I SLICE YOU UP FOR FIREWOOD.

- YES, MA'AM. RIGHT AWAY.

TELL ME, DOES YOUR FATHER TRAVEL
AROUND SELLING TRICKS AND JOKES?

- OH, HE'LL SELL
ANYTHING HE CAN STEAL.

- YOU MUST BE VERY
PROUD OF YOUR FATHER.

- OH, YOU BET YOUR
EARRINGS, KIDDO.

- THE NAME IS...
- DOPIE GILLIS.

- THAT'S DOBIE WITH A
B, AND HOW'D YOU KNOW?

- OH, IT'S WRITTEN ON
BACK OF YOUR WATCH.

- MY WATCH?

- ANYTHING MY FATHER CAN
STEAL, I CAN STEAL BETTER.

KEEP IT.

A MICKEY MOUSE WATCH IS NOT
WORTH STEALING, YOU CHEAPSKATE.

- NOW, LOOK, MISS, IF YOU
DON'T TAKE ME TO YOUR FATHER,

I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE.

- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- HE SAYS HE'S
GOING TO CALL POLICE.

- POLICE? BIG TROUBLE,
HUH? BUT I GOT AN IDEA.

- GOT YOU, BORIS.

- NOW, LOOK, MISS, DON'T TRY
TO PULL THE WOOL OVER MY EYES.

TAKE ME TO YOUR FATHER

SO I CAN FIND OUT HOW
THE FINGER GRIPPER WORKS

SO I CAN GET MAYNARD AND DAD...

- NOW, DOPIE, YOU WERE SAYING
SOMETHING ABOUT A PERSON

CALLED MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD WHO?
- AND YOUR FATHER.

- DON'T GO AWAY, EXCUSE ME.

POLICE!

AT LAST, WE'RE ALONE.
LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN.

- OH, THERE'S JUST ONE THING

THAT KEEPS ME FROM GOING
OFF MY ROCKER ALL TOGETHER

AND THAT'S KNOWING THAT
MY SON, DOBIE, IS OUT THERE

KNOCKING HIMSELF OUT

DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN
TO HELP HIS POOR FATHER.

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
NATASHA, MY LITTLE SHISH KABOB?

I HAVE A FUNNY FEELING I
CAME OUT HERE FOR A REASON,

AND I HOPE I NEVER
REMEMBER WHAT IT IS.

- MORE STEAK, HERBERT?

- MORE STEAK? I HAVEN'T
HAD BITE NUMBER ONE.

- YOU GOTTA MOVE FAST,
MR. G., SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST.

- THE WORD IS THE FITTEST,

BUT THE WAY YOU'RE EATING
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

OH, THAT DOBIE.

IF HE DOESN'T SHOW UP
AROUND HERE PRETTY SOON,

HE'S GOING TO FIND HIS FATHER A
COMPLETE UNDERNOURISHED WRECK.

- OH, DON'T YOU WORRY,
HERBERT. I KNOW OUR BOY.

HE WON'T PUT YOUR PROBLEM OUT
OF HIS MIND FOR A SINGLE SECOND.

- I SURE WISH I COULD
REMEMBER WHY I CAME OUT HERE.

- YOU GOT A BLANK
MEMORY, DOLL FACE.

YOU OUGHT TO MAYBE TIE THE
STRING AROUND THE FINGER.

- FINGER, FINGER. YEAH, IT HAS
SOMETHING TO DO WITH FINGERS.

- FASCINATING.

DOPIE, IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH FINGERS AND YOUR FATHER?

- FINGERS WHO? FATHER WHO?

- OOH, MR. G., YOU BETTER SHAVE.

YOU GOT AN AWFULLY
SCRAGGLY BEARD ON.

- MAYNARD, THAT IS YOUR
FACE YOU ARE LOOKING AT

AND THANK HEAVEN
FOR SMALL FAVORS.

- OH, YEAH, IT IS, ISN'T IT?

I THOUGHT IT LOOKED
KIND OF FAMILIAR.

- YEAH. WELL, I DIDN'T COME
HERE TO SHAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I CAME HERE TO BRUSH MY TEETH.

- OH, GOOD FOR YOU, MY... BUDDY.

IN FACT, I WILL JOIN YOU.

IN FACT, I ALREADY
HAVE JOINED YOU.

- VERY FUNNY.

NOW, PAY ATTENTION, WILL YOU,

BECAUSE THIS ISN'T
GOING TO BE EASY.

FIRST, I WILL PUT THE
PASTE ON YOUR BRUSH, SEE?

THERE.

NOW YOU PUT THE
PASTE ON MY BRUSH, HUH?

- ROGER, WILCO AND...

AND WE'LL STICK TOGETHER
THROUGH THIN AND THINK.

- YEAH. THIN AND THICK.

DID IT EVER OCCUR
TO YOU, MY HAPLESS...

NO, THAT SHOULD BE
HOPELESS COLLEAGUE,

WHAT THE REST OF OUR LIFE
IS GOING TO BE FROM NOW ON?

- GEE, NO, MR. GILLIS. I
AIN'T MUCH OF A PLANNER.

- WELL, ALREADY WE'RE
A LAUGHING STOCK,

LIKE WHAT HAPPENED
DOWNTOWN THIS AFTERNOON

WHEN I WENT TO GET THE NEW SUIT.

DO YOU REALIZE
THAT TAILOR THINKS

I'VE GOT AN 82-INCH WAIST?

- WELL IT AIN'T EXACTLY
A PICNIC FOR ME NEITHER,

LIKE THE WAY WE GOT
DOWNTOWN TODAY.

- WHAT WAS YOUR COMPLAINT?

- LIKE, YOU RODE THE STREETCAR
AND MADE ME RUN ALONG SIDE.

- WE SAVED A WHOLE
FARE, DIDN'T WE?

- YEAH, BUT NOW I GOT TO
GET MY FEET HALF SOLED.

- IT'S NOT USE, MAYNARD.
IT AIN'T GOING TO WORK.

TOMORROW MORNING,
THE FIRST THING,

I MAKE AN APPOINTMENT
WITH SOME SURGEON

AND WE GET SEPARATED.

- YOU MEAN, YOUR FINGER?
- YOUR FINGER.

- OH, NO, NO, MR. G.,
DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, GIVE ME A CHANGE.

I MEAN, AFTER A WHILE
I'LL, LIKE, GROW ON YOU.

I MEAN, CHEER UP,
YOU'LL FEEL A LOT BETTER

AFTER YOU'VE BRUSHED
YOUR TEETH AND THEY'RE NICE

AND, YOU KNOW, CLEAN AND SHINY.

- YEAH, I'M SURE.

- I'M SORRY, MR. G.

I GUESS I KIND OF
GOT CARRIED AWAY.

- YOU GET CARRIED AWAY?
OH, WHAT'S THE USE, I GIVE UP.

COME ON, LET'S GET OUT...

- THERE, MR. G. HIS AND HIS.

- OH, MY SON, MY SON,
HURRY UP AND GET BACK HERE

BEFORE I'M ACCUSED OF
MAYHEMING A CERTAIN PARTY.

- I JUST THOUGHT OF
SOMETHING. THE WORD MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD?
- MAYNARD WHO.

- HERE WE GOTTA LEAVE FOR
THAT CONVENTION IN AN HOUR

AND NO SIGN OF
THAT STUPID DOBIE.

I'M GETTING PRETTY JUMPY.

- WHAT YOU'RE GETTING IS WALKY.

- NOW IT'S THE FIRST TIME

I EVER HAD TO GET
SEWED INTO MY COAT.

- I'M READY, HERBERT.

- OH YES, YOU'RE
READY, I'M READY,

THE CONVENTION'S
READY, EVERYBODY'S READY

EXCEPT THAT NO-GOOD SON OF OURS.

HE AIN'T READY TO
SHOW UP AND UNLEASH ME

FROM THIS COCKER SPANIEL HERE.

- YOU RANG?
[BARKING]

- OH, WINNIE, I'M GOING
TO MISS ALL THE EVENTS

THAT MAKE A GROCERS' CONVENTION.

THE BUTTER WATERING CONTEST,
THE SEMINAR ON OVERCHARGING,

THE PRIZE FOR THE HEAVIEST
THUMB ON THE SCALE.

- COURAGE, DEAR.

- AND WORST OF ALL, I'M
GOING TO MISS THE ELECTION

FOR THE GROCER OF THE YEAR.

WELL, I AIN'T GONNA MISS IT.

I'LL FIGURE OUT SOME
WAY TO GET THERE.

BELIEVE ME, THIS
SITUATION IS DESPERATE.

- WELL, WE COULD
TAKE MAYNARD ALONG.

- NO. I SAID DESPERATE,
NOT HOPELESS.

- COULDN'T I GO TO
THE CONVENTION ALONE

AND REPRESENT YOU?

- ALONE? OF COURSE NOT.

THE GROCER OF THE
YEAR HAS TO BE THERE

WITH THIS WIFE STANDING
PROUDLY BY HIS SIDE,

AND I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA.

- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- PIPE DOWN, WIFEY.

- WIFEY?
- WIFEY.

THE LOYAL, TRUE,
LOVING HELPMATE,

WHO IS GOING TO SPEND
THE CONVENTION AT MY SIDE.

- OH, NO, MR. G., YOU
WOULDN'T. YOU CAN'T.

- YOU WOULD AND YOU DID.

- I COULD KILL YOU, MAYNARD.

MY FIRST NEW OUTFIT IN 15
YEARS AND YOU GET TO WEAR IT.

- IT'S ONLY 13 YEARS,
BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

- HERBERT, DO YOU REALLY THINK
YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH THIS?

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

THE CONVENTION'S BEING HELD
ALL THE WAY OVER IN GLENVILLE.

WE'LL HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE.

COME ON, WIFEY, WE'VE
GOT A TRAIN TO CATCH.

- COMING, CHUBBY.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S HUBBY.

- THE INSTANT I HEAR FROM DOBIE,

I'LL SEND HIM RIGHT OVER TO
THE CONVENTION TO FIND YOU.

THE POOR BOY, HE MUST BE
WORRIED SICK ABOUT HIS FATHER.

- YES, MY LITTLE TRAGIC, I
THINK I JUST REMEMBERED

WHY YOU COME HERE.

- OH? DO TELL.

- YOU WANT TO FIND OUT HOW
TO BREAK OPEN GYPSY LOVE LINK.

- YEAH, IT WAS SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, WASN'T IT?

- SO I TELL YOU,

AND GO RESCUE
YOUR FRIEND MAYNARD.

- MAYNARD WHO?

- OH, MY, ISN'T IT A
LOVELY PARTY, MY DEAR?

- WHERE'S THE EATS?

- MAYNARD, YOUR VOICE,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A LADY.

- YEAH, I FORGOT.
WHERE'S THE EATS?

- PEOPLE ARE STARING.
WE BETTER DANCE.

- YEAH. YOU GO AHEAD.
I'M GOING TO SIT DOWN.

MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

- I HOPE THAT DOBIE
IS SUFFERING LIKE I AM.

- HEY, MY LITTLE SUMMER FUN,
AIN'T YOU GLAD YOU REMEMBERED

YOU COME HERE TO RESCUE YOUR
POOR FATHER FROM TERRIBLE FATE?

- FATE WHO?

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE THE LADY.

STOP TRYING TO LEAD, WILL YOU?

- MAY I CUT IN?
- OH, IT'LL BE A PLEASURE, HERE.

NO. I MEAN, NO. NO.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, FRIEND?

WE'RE ALL FRIENDLY
BROTHER GROCERS HERE. HUH?

YOU WANT TO DANCE
WITH ME, BABY DOLL.

- LOOK, SHE IS A LADY. SHE
DON'T DANCE WITH STRANGERS.

- WHO'S A STRANGER?
I INTRODUCE MYSELF.

ANGELO D'AMBROSIO,
MY LOVELY SENORITA.

FANCY MEAT AND VEGETABLES.

- MAYNARD G...
- GET LOST, WILL YOU?

HEY, MR. G., YOU KNOW WHAT
WE'RE MISSING OUT HERE?

THE CHA CHA CHA.

- YEAH AND WE'RE GOING
TO KEEP ON MISSING IT.

WE WILL CHA CHA CHA
OVER MY DEAD BODY.

- IT'S A PRETTY
CLUMSY WAY TO DO IT,

BUT I'M SUCH A MADCAP,
I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE.

- TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE, MAYNARD.

- I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
MARRIED YOU, YOU OLD GROUCH.

I SHOULD HAVE
LISTENED TO MOTHER.

- OH, FOR HEAVEN'S
SAKE, IT'S HERBIE GILLIS.

I'M MOLLY O'DAY.

I USED TO LIVE NEXT DOOR TO YOU

WHEN I WAS A KID
OVER ON ELM STREET.

- OH, YEAH, FRECKLES.

- LOVER BOY.

HERBERT, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
- WHO ME?

- DON'T TELL ME YOUR
BELTING THE GRAPE

BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING
TROUBLE WITH YOUR MARRIAGE.

- TROUBLE, ME?

- HERBERT, IF YOU'RE NOT
HAVING DOMESTIC PROBLEMS,

THEN WHY CAN'T I MEET YOUR WIFE?

OH, SHE'S PROBABLY LOVELY.

- LOVELY. I CAN THINK
OF A BETTER WORD.

- HERBERT DEAR...

- HELLO DEAR, GOODBYE DEAR.

- AHA! ANOTHER WOMAN.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENS THE
MINUTE I TURN MY BACK.

OH, YOU MEN AT CONVENTIONS.

- MRS. GILLIS, YOU'VE
GOT THIS ALL WRONG.

- QUIET, YOU BRAZEN HASSY.

- THAT'S HUSSY.

YOU'LL HAVE TO PARDON MY
WIFE. SHE'S THE JEALOUS TYPE.

- LIKE, TRUE, ALTHOUGH
IT'S ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE

TO SEE WHAT I'M JEALOUS OF.

- OH, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO MEETING YOU, MY DEAR.

YOUR HUSBAND AND
I ARE OLD FRIENDS,

AREN'T WE LOVERBOY?

- LOVERBOY? WELL, I NEVER.

- WELL, I NEVER EITHER, AND
YOU GOT THIS ALL WRONG.

- STAY OUT OF THIS, LOVERBOY.

- IT'S BETWEEN US GIRLS.

- YEAH. WHY ARE YOU
MEN ALWAYS MIXING IN?

- YEAH!

[BELL RINGING]

- OH, TIME TO PRESENT THE
AWARDS, AND I'M CHAIRMAN.

OH, GOODBYE, MY DEAR. IT'S
BEEN SUCH FUN MEETING YOU.

- YOU BET YOUR... OH, OOPS.

- HERBERT T. GILLIS,
DISTINGUISHED CITIZEN,

OUTSTANDING GROCER OF THE YEAR.

OOH, WHEN I GET MY
HANDS ON THAT DOBIE,

HE WILL YELL OUCH.

- OUCH, IT HURTS TO THINK

HOW MUCH I'VE MISSED
NOT KNOWING YOU BEFORE.

- NATASHA MAKE YOU FORGET ALL
ABOUT YOUR FATHER'S HARD LUCK.

- YEAH. HOW ABOUT THAT.

- IT'S SIMPLE TO
ESCAPE FINGER GRIPPER.

INSTEAD OF PULL YOU PUSH.

- NO KIDDING. REMIND
ME TO TELL HIM.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
- HERE.

- OH, YES.

- THE MAN WE HAVE CHOSEN

AS INDEPENDENT RETAIL
GROCER OF THE YEAR

IS A MAN OF INTEGRITY, A
VISION OF STERLING CHARACTER,

AND I THINK WE
PICKED SUCH A MAN.

THE NEW GROCER OF THE YEAR IS...

MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE.

- FELLOW GROCERS, IT IS WITH A
DEEP SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY

THAT I ACCEPT THIS GREAT
AND GLORIOUS HONOR

WHICH YOU HAVE THRUST UPON ME.

- MR. ANGELO D'AMBROSIO.

- D'AMBROSIO!

- D'AMBROSIO?

- I'M THE GROCER OF THE YEAR!
I'M THE GROCER OF THE YEAR!

I WIN! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!

HI, BABY DOLL.

HOW'S ABOUT A BIG KISS
FOR THE BIG WINNER?

- HERBERT, LIKE HELP.

- YOU GOING TO START THE TROUBLE
AGAIN IF I KISS THE LITTLE LADY,

HUH, FRIEND?

- WHO ME START TROUBLE?

CERTAINLY NOT. BE MY GUEST.

- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF YOU THINK THAT MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS

IS CRAZY ENOUGH TO
PUT MY FATHER'S FINGER

BACK IN THAT FINGER GRIPPER
NOW THAT THEY'RE FINALLY APART,

UH-HUH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

- MAYNARD! YOU
STUPE, YOU LUNKHEAD!

YOU...
- AH, MY LITTLE GELATA.

- ALL RIGHT. HERE'S
YOUR LITTLE GELATA.

COME AND GET HER.

- ANDIAMO, SENORITA.

- SEE? NOTHING TO IT.

- AMAZING.
- INEDIBLE.

- SO WHEN THAT GYPSY
KING SOBERED UP,

HE FELT AWFUL ABOUT ALL
THE TROUBLE HE CAUSED YOU

AND HE WANTS TO
MAKE IT UP TO YOU,

SO HE SENT YOU A
BEAUTIFUL PRESENT.

HE SAID TO TELL YOU HE
STOLE IT HIMSELF, JUST FOR YOU.

- OH, HOW SWEET.

- THEY'RE CALLED MAGIC
HUNGARIAN ARMORY.

- THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. I
BET YOU THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

- THEY SIGNIFY
UNDYING FRIENDSHIP.

EVERYBODY HOLDS ONE OF THEM,
SEE, AND THEN YOU MAKE A WISH.

- I GOT A WISH I WANT TO MAKE.

- MAYNARD, IT TIME FOR A WISH.

- IT'S TIME FOR
THIS WISH, MR. G,

'CAUSE I WISH WE NEVER
GOT STARTED WITH THIS THING

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- MAYNARD, NOW WHAT TO
DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING.

WE JUST GOT OUT
OF A THING LIKE THIS.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]