The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 4, Episode 23 - Three Million Coins in the Fountain - full transcript

- HOW DO YOU ACT WHEN YOU
COME FACE TO FACE WITH A $50 BILL?

HOW I ACT IS... WELL, TO
BE PERFECTLY HONEST,

I'M NOT REALLY
QUALIFIED TO COMMENT.

ME HOLDING ANYTHING
OVER A 50 CENT PIECE

IS A TELEVISION FIRST.

BUT WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS THAT

EVERYBODY BEHAVES
IN A DIFFERENT WAY

WHEN THEY COME IN
CONTACT WITH MONEY.

FOR INSTANCE, IF I SHOW THIS
TO MY FATHER, HERBERT T. GILLS,

HE'D SAY...
- A $50 BILL, HOW BEAUTIFUL.

- IF I SHOWED IT TO MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS, HE'D SAY...



- IF YOUR FATHER WAS
HERE, HE'D SAY, A $50 BILL?

HOW BEAUTIFUL.

- AND IF I SHOWED IT TO MRS.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.,

SHE'S THE RICH MILLIONAIRE LADY

WHO LIVES IN THE BIG
WHITE HOUSE ON THE HILL,

SHE'D SAY...
- A $50 BILL, HOW QUAINT.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE MONEY
IN SUCH SMALL DENOMINATIONS.

- SEE WHAT I MEAN?

WE ALL HAVE THIS CERTAIN
SPECIAL WAY WE BEHAVE

WHEN WE COME FACE
TO FACE WITH MONEY.

BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE
COME FACE TO FACE WITH NO MONEY?

- WE HAVE JUST LOST $30
MILLION AND WE'RE WIPED OUT.

NOW, THIS IS NOTHING
TO GET EXCITED ABOUT.

STAND BACK, BE CALM,
DON'T GET EXCITED,



I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

- MUMSY, I... I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND IT.

HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY
LOSE $30 MILLION OVERNIGHT?

- AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.

- EGAD, MUMSY, DOES THIS MEAN

I SHALL HAVE TO GIVE
UP MY POLO PONIES?

- YOU BET YOUR IMPORTED BOOTS.

FROM NOW ON THEIR HAY AND
ALFALFA WILL BE OUR DINNER.

- COURAGE, MUMSY.

WHEN A CRISIS LIKE THIS ARISES,

AN OSBORNE MAN IS ALWAYS
READY TO SAVE THE FAMILY.

WE'RE NOT DOOMED YET.

- OH, CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE THE
LAST REMAINING OSBORNE MAN.

- TRUE.
- WE'RE DOOMED.

- HAVE NO FEAR, MUMSY,

FOR I AM YOUR SON AND I
SHALL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

- IF I PERMITTED A
COMMENT, YOUNG MASTER,

A HEARTY HA HA HA HA HA.

- I SHALL RISE TO THE OCCASION.

I SHALL DEVISE A WAY TO SAVE US

THAT IS TRULY SHREWD,
IMAGINATIVE, INVENTIVE,

AND BRILLIANT.

- YOU RANG?

- MANEY DO, HOW
HAPPY I AM TO SEE YOU.

HOW VERY HAPPY INDEED.

- YOU'RE HAPPY TO SEE ME?

- YES INDEEDY DO.

- TAKE ME, I'M READY TO
GO. I HEARD EVERYTHING.

TAKE ME, I'M READY TO GO.
- NO. NO. COME ON IN.

[JAZZ THEME]

- THIS IS A TURNIP.

THEY SAY IT'S ABSOLUTELY
IMPOSSIBLE TO GET BLOOD FROM IT.

THIS IS MAYNARD G. KREBS.

IT'S MUCH TOUGHER TO
GET MONEY FROM HIM,

OR BLOOD, TOO, FOR THAT MATTER.

THE REASON IS SIMPLE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE
ANY... BLOOD OR MONEY.

SO WHAT EVIL SCHEME DID
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,

FORMERLY A WALKING BANK BOOK,

NOW A MEMBER OF THE
NUEVO POOR, HAVE IN MIND?

- HE'S GONNA KILL ME AND
SELL MY BRAIN TO SCIENCE.

- SELL YOUR BRAIN, MANEY?
- SURE, WHY NOT?

AND I JUST ANSWERED
MY OWN QUESTION,

AND FORGET I BRUNG IT UP.

- KREBS, BABY, WHAT ON
EARTH MAKES YOU THINK

I'D PULL SUCH A ROTTEN,
LOW-DOWN, SNEAKY TRICK?

- ON ACCOUNT OF YOU'RE
ROTTEN, LOW DOWN AND SNEAKY.

NEXT QUESTION?

- ALL RIGHT.

I'LL ADMIT THAT IN THE PAST

I HAVE OCCASIONALLY BEEN A
TRIFLE, SHALL WE SAY, DEVIOUS.

- SHALL WE SAY CROOKED?

- DUNCAN, WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME

AND PLAY WITH SOME
USED RAZOR BLADES.

MANEY DO, I'M NOT
THINKING OF MYSELF NOW.

THE MONEY I'M TALKING ABOUT
IS FOR A POOR NEEDY FAMILY.

THEY'RE DESPERATE, ON
THE VERGE OF STARVATION.

- CUT IT OUT, CHATS. YOU KNOW
HOW SOFT I AM IN THE HEAD.

I CRY WHEN I WATCH TELEVISION.

THE "A"s CAN'T BE
THE "B"s, YOU KNOW,

WITH THEIR LITTLE
FLAP, THEY GO...

- KREBSY, WE ARE
COLLEGE STUDENTS,

MEMBERS OF A HIGHLY
PRIVILEGED GROUP.

IT IS OUR DUTY TO HELP THOSE
LESS FORTUNATE THAN WE.

- GEE, CHATSY,

ALL I GOT IS THREE PENNIES
AND AN OLD DEWEY BUTTON.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD, THAT'S
NOT PRECISELY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

OBSERVE THAT
STUDENT AT THE TABLE

NEAR THE CHEMISTRY BUILDING.

SHE IS GATHERING FUNDS FOR AN
ORPHAN HOME IN LOWER PATAGONIA.

- OH THEM POOR LITTLE
LOWER PATAGONIANS.

- ON THIS CAMPUS WE
HAVE CHARITY DRIVES

FOR ALBANIAN ANIMAL SHELTERS,
BULGARIAN HOOF AND MOUTH RELIEF,

FOR EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR
THOSE POOR UNFORTUNATE SOULS

RIGHT HERE IN OUR
OWN COMMUNITY, TRUE?

- LIKE, TRUE.

- AND WE ARE GOING TO
ORGANIZE A CAMPAIGN

TO HELP OUR NEIGHBORS, TRUE?

- LIKE, TRUE.

- AND YOU ARE GOING
TO BE IN CHARGE, TRUE?

- UNTRUE.

ME? SURELY YOU JEST.
- NO, MAYNARD.

YOU ARE THE LOGICAL MAN TO
HELP THESE POOR UNFORTUNATES.

EVERY SOLITARY
STUDENT ON THIS CAMPUS

RESPECTS AND TRUSTS YOU.

- WELL, THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW

HOW MANY STUPID
SOLITARY STUDENTS WE GOT.

- NOW, OF COURSE I COULD HELP
OUT THESE POOR CREATURES MYSELF

OUT OF MY PETTY CASH BOX,

BUT I FEEL THAT
HELPING OUR NEIGHBORS

IS THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF THE MASSES,

NOT MERELY OF THE SUPERIOR FEW.

- NAMELY YOU.
- WHO ELSE?

- CHATSWORTH, WHAT'S THE
NAME OF THIS STARVING FAMILY?

- I'D RATHER NOT SAY.

THEY'RE IN A BAD WAY AS OF
NOW, AND THEY'D BE EMBARRASSED.

- OH COME ON, I'M A BAD WAY
AND I'M NOT EMBARRASSED.

- KREBS BOY, FRIEND OF THE POOR,

THE DOWNTRODDEN, THE
HELPLESS. YOU SAY YOU'LL DO IT?

- I DIDN'T SAY IT. YOU
SAY ANYTHING, DUNCAN?

- YOU SAY YOU'LL
GIVE IT YOUR ALL?

- NOT ME.
- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

- YOU SAY YOU LEAVE
NO STONE UNTURNED...

- DID YOU SAY ANYTHING, DUNCAN?
- NOT ME.

- UNTIL THESE UNFORTUNATES
ARE BACK ON THEIR FEET AGAIN.

YOU SAY YOU'LL...

- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
- DEVOTE YOUR LIFE...

- DID YOU SAY ANYTHING, DUNCAN?
- TO THEIR WELFARE.

- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

- CONGRATULATIONS
AND A MILLION OF THANKS,

OH GREAT-HEARTED ONE.

- WELL, SOMEBODY MUST
HAVE SAID SOMETHING.

- NOT ME.

- JUST KEEP THESE FEW
SIMPLE RULES IN MIND.

ONE, BE PERSEVERING.
TWO, BE HARDWORKING.

THREE, BE HONEST,
AND FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX,

DON'T SAY A WORD ABOUT
THIS TO YOUR FRIEND DOBIE.

- SEVEN, EIGHT,
AND NINE, WHY NOT?

HE'S A GOOD GUY.
HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
- HUH?

- NEVER MIND THE STUPID
QUESTIONS, STUPID.

JUST FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS.

TREMBLAY.

- AH, YOUNG MASTER.

- HEY, CHATSY, WHAT'S
ALL THIS FALDERAL?

- CAN'T YOU TELL, MANEY DO?

IT'S THE CLEVER, CLEVER WAY

YOU'RE GOING TO HELP OUT
THAT POOR, DESPERATE FAMILY.

- ME? OH, NO.

- OH, YES.

- LIKE, HELP!

LIKE, HELP!

LIKE, HELP THIS DESPERATE CASE.

PUSH YOUR COINS
IN THE WASHING WELL.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S WISHING WELL,

AND HOW MUCH MONEY
HAVE WE COLLECTED SO FAR?

- ABOUT 50 COINS,
OR MAYBE A HUNDRED.

YOU KNOW I AIN'T TOO
GOOD AT GEOGRAPHY.

- 50 COINS, HONEST?
- WELL, PRETTY HONEST.

THE LAST KID I HAD TO TWIST
HIS ARM TO GET THE LAST THREE.

- THAT'S OKAY. IT'S
A WORTHY CAUSE.

- THAT'S WHAT I KEPT TELLING HIM

WHILE THE DOCTOR
BENDS HIS ELBOW.

HERE COMES SOME
MORE OF MY PUBLIC.

LIKE, HELP, LIKE,
HELP THE NEEDY.

TOSS YOUR COINS IN THE
WASHING WISHING WELL

AND BE A PAL TO YOUR
FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR.

DEAR, KIND, GENEROUS
FRIENDS, OR, WALTER FUNK,

WOULD YOU RATHER
BE A CHEAP TIGHTWAD.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

- WAS YOU ADDRESSING
ME, CHEAP TIGHTWAD, SIR?

- ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. HERE, MAYNARD.

- BLESS YOU, SIR. I LOVE
THE SOUND OF A PENNY.

- A PENNY? WALTER, YOU
ONLY THREW IN A PENNY?

- IT WAS A NICKEL AND SO WHAT?
- YEAH, SO WHAT?

A LOT OF CHEAP TIGHTWADS
ONLY GIVE A NICKEL.

- WALTER, HOW CAN YOU
EMBARRASS ME LIKE THIS?

PUT IN SOME MORE MONEY OR
I'LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

- BUT SAMANTHA, MY LOVE,

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO
THIS MONEY IS GOING TO.

- WELL, WHAT'S THAT
GOT TO DO WITH IT?

THAT WISHING WELL'S
HERE TO PUT MONEY IN.

WALTER FUNK, YOU'RE A... A...

- TRY FINK.
- FINK.

- IT'S FUNK, AND I'M NOT.

- THAT'S THE TROUBLE
WITH PEOPLE TODAY.

THEY DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

THEY'RE ALWAYS QUESTIONING.

WELL, WHERE'S YOUR
FAITH IN YOUR FELLOW MAN?

- YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT, FINK?

- MAYNARD, THE WORK YOU'RE
DOING HERE IS MAGNIFICENT,

AND I FOR ONE WILL DO
EVERYTHING I CAN TO HELP,

AND SO WILL EVERY DECENT PERSON.

- BLESS YOU, MA'AM. BLESS YOU.
- BLESS YOU ALL.

BLESS YOU AND ONE
AND ALL, AND ALL IN ONE.

BLESS YOU. BLESS YOU.

- FORGIVE ME, MAYNARD,
FOR QUESTIONING YOU.

HERE TAKE THIS.

IT'S ALL I'VE GOT. I
ONLY WISH I HAD MORE.

- WELL, DON'T COME
BACK UNTIL YOU HAVE.

- YES, SIR.

- OH, WALTER DARLING, I JUST
KNEW YOU'D SEE THE LIGHT.

- OH, I FEEL BETTER NOW, ALL
CLEAN AND GLOWING INSIDE.

- NICE FELLOW.

- YEAH. AND I DONE IT
ALL WITH MY LITTLE BELL.

OH, WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.

- SO MAYNARD AND MY COUSIN DUNKY
FOUND THEMSELVES RIGHT SMACK

IN THE MIDDLE OF A LOW
DOWN, CROOKED SCHEME,

AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT.

NOBODY KNEW IT.

IN FACT, NOBODY KNEW ANYTHING.
NOBODY EVEN ASKED QUESTIONS.

THEY JUST KEPT THROWING
COINS INTO THE WISHING WELL.

BEFORE LONG, IT WAS THE
BIGGEST THING IN TOWN.

- YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME
THAT BRANNIGAN THE DRUGGIST

DROPPED FIVE BUCKS
IN THAT WISHING WELL?

- AND MULCAHEY THE
BUTCHER PUT IN TEN.

IT'S LIKE FREE ADVERTISING.

- BRANNIGAN AND MULCAHEY,

THE TWO CHEAPEST CHEAPSKATES
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

- PRESENT COMPANY
EXCEPTED, NATURALLY.

- NATURALLY. NOW JUST A MINUTE.

- HERBERT, WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO ABOUT THE WISHING WELL?

- PLENTY.

- UNCLE HERBIE, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO PUT IN MONEY, ARE YOU?

- YOU BET I AM,

AND ON SECOND
THOUGHT, YOU BET I'M NOT.

- THERE'S THE UNCLE HERBIE
I'VE GROWN TO KNOW AND LOVE.

- YEAH? WELL, NEVER
MIND, SMART APPLE.

I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM SOME
SUPPLIES FROM THE STORE.

IT'S MORE PRACTICAL, AND
USEFUL, AND CONSIDERATE.

- AND CHEAPER.
- AND CHEAPER.

DUNKY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK MAYNARD NEEDS MOST

TO PICK UP MORE OF THAT DOUGH?

- YOU GOING TO GIVE
HIM A NEW WISHING WELL?

- I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM A BUCKET
OF PAINT AND SOME CARDBOARD

AND HE CAN PAINT SOME NEW SIGNS.

- THAT'S THE HERBERT T. GILLIS

THAT I HAVE GROWN
TO KNOW AND LOVE.

- YEP. DAD DID THE
WISHING WELL BIT.

HE ACTUALLY GAVE
SOMETHING FOR NOTHING,

ANOTHER TELEVISION FIRST.

MEANWHILE, CHATSWORTH
HAD HIS HANDS ON A GOLDMINE,

OR TO BE MORE
ACCURATE, A MONEY MINE.

YOU SEE, WHILE MAYNARD WAS
COLLECTING LOOT FROM THE KIDS,

CHATSWORTH WAS
COLLECTING FROM MAYNARD.

TREMBLAY AND CHATSWORTH HAD
DUG A TUNNEL UNDER THE WISHING WELL

TO MAKE SURE THEY
DIDN'T MISS A PENNY.

BUT CHATSWORTH
STILL WASN'T SATISFIED.

- IT'S A SLUG. OH,
MICE AND RATS.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING
I CANNOT ABIDE,

IT'S A DISHONEST PERSON.

- I SECOND THE
MOTION, YOUNG MASTER.

THEY ARE THE LOWEST.

- LIKE, HELP, LIKE, HELP!

- GOOD AFTERNOON,
MAYNARD, DUNCAN.

I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU

ON THE FINE, GENEROUS
WORK YOU'RE DOING,

AND PRESENT YOU
WITH THIS CONTRIBUTION

COLLECTED FROM THE
MEMBERS OF THE FACULTY.

- LIKE, HELP, LIKE,
HELP THEM POOR...

- MAYNARD, I JUST
PUT MY CONTRIBUTION

INTO THE WISHING WELL.

WEREN'T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

- YEAH. BUT I NEED
THE PRACTICE WAILING.

LIKE, HELP, LIKE, HELP!

- MAYNARD, PIPE DOWN.

THERE'S MORE MONEY
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

DEAN MAGRUDER IS
ORGANIZING A RAFFLE

AND ALL THE PROCEEDS
ARE COMING HERE.

- GLORIOSKY. YOU'RE
ALL HEART, DR. B,

EXCEPT FOR THE PART
OF YOU THAT'S TEACHER.

- SAY, HERE ARE A FEW
COINS THAT I FORGOT.

OH, WHAT A GRAND
AND GLORIOUS FEELING.

ANYONE WHO DOESN'T
ADORE CONTRIBUTING

TO A WORTHY CAUSE LIKE
THIS MUST BE OUT OF HIS MIND.

- YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN OUT OF YOUR MIND

TO TRUST CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.

- OH, NO, DOBE. I WAS
THE SAME AS I ALWAYS AM.

- THAT'S WHAT HE
SAID, OUT OF YOUR MIND.

- OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.

YOU, MISTRUST YE FELLOW MAN,
YOU MISTRUST YE FRIENDS. YE...

- ARE A KOOK, MAYNARD.
- I'LL BUY THAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT NOBODY
TO SAY I AIN'T AGREEABLE.

- MAYNARD, HOW COULD
YOU DO A THING LIKE THIS?

CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR. IS THE
SNEAKIEST KID IN THE WHOLE TOWN.

- IN THE WHOLE STATE.

HE DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ON A HALF SCALE.

- NOW, JUST A
MINUTE. LET'S BE FAIR.

AFTER ALL, CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR.

MAY NOT BE THE MOST
TRUSTWORTHY BOY IN THE WORLD.

- GRANTED.
- GRANTED.

- I'LL BUY THAT. JUST
TRYING TO BE AGREEABLE.

- BUT WHY WOULD
HE DO SUCH A THING?

HE CERTAINLY DOESN'T
NEED THE MONEY.

- HE CERTAINLY DON'T.

TO THE OSBORNE FAMILY,

THE ROCKEFELLER
FAMILY IS A CHARITY CASE.

- IT NEVER OCCURRED
TO YOU, DID IT,

THAT CHATSWORTH
MIGHT REALLY BEGIN TRYING

TO HELP A NEEDY FAMILY?

- RIGHT. IT NEVER
OCCURRED TO ME.

- ME NEITHER.
- ME NEITHER.

- ME NEITHER. JUST
TRYING TO BE AGREEABLE.

- WHERE'S THE MONEY YOU
FELLOWS COLLECTED TODAY?

DUNKY, WHERE'S THE MONEY
YOU FELLOWS COLLECTED TODAY?

- OH, CHATSWORTH PICKED
IT UP AFTER SCHOOL LET OUT.

- HOW MUCH WAS IT?
- I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S PRETTY HARD
TO COUNT THE MONEY

WHEN THEY PICK IT UP IN
THEM ARMORED TRUCKS.

- HE PICKED IT UP IN
AN ARMORED TRUCK?

WHAT A RACKET.
- IT'S DISGRACEFUL.

- IT'S SHAMEFUL.
- IT'S SHOCKING.

- IT'S REPREHENSIBLE.

- I WONDER HOW I
CAN GET IN ON IT.

- HERBERT.
- JUST EGGING YOU ON, WINNIE.

- WELL, THERE'S SURE
SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON HERE,

AND I'M GOING TO GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.

- YOU'RE GOING TO STICK
UP THE ARMORED TRUCK?

- YOU'RE GOING TO
GRAB CHATSWORTH

AND WORK HIM OVER
WITH A BLUNT INSTRUMENT

UNTIL HE SINGS LIKE A BIRD, HUH?

- MAYNARD.
- OH, GOOD THINKING.

SWEAT IT OUT OF HIM.

GIVE HIM THE FOURTH DEGREE,
THE BLUNT INSTRUMENT.

I MEAN, NO SLEEP, NO WATER,

AND HOURS AND HOURS OF
GRILLING AND CLOBBERING AND THEN...

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!

- TOO MUCH. I SCARED MYSELF.

- WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS PICK
UP DR. BURKHART AT THE COLLEGE

AND THEN TAKE THIS TO THE
HIGHEST POSSIBLE AUTHORITY.

- THE POLICE?
- HIGHER THAN THAT.

- THE FBI?
- EVEN HIGHER.

- YOU MEAN...
- YOU BET I MEAN...

- I MEAN, THIS IS MRS.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.,

AND WHEN YOU SPEAK THAT
NAME, STAND AT ATTENTION, SAM.

- STAND AT ATTENTION.
- VERY WELL.

I WANT EVERYTHING IN PERFECT
CONDITION FOR MY ARRIVAL.

THERE WILL BE NO
WAITING, NO DELAY,

JUST IMPECCABLE, INSTANTANEOUS
AND COURTEOUS SERVICE.

- GUARANTEED, MA'AM.
- VERY WELL.

OH, DON'T ANNOY ME WITH
YOUR NAGGING APOLOGIES.

OH, HOW I HATE
TO BE KEPT WAITING

WHEN I GO DOWN TO THE
UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE OFFICE

FOR MY HAND OUT.

- PARDON, MADAM, BUT THERE'S
A LONG LINE THE CREDITORS

AT THE DOOR.

- WELL, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE, TREMBLAY,

TURN THE HOSE ON THE RASCALS.

- I'M AFRAID THAT WON'T
BE POSSIBLE, MADAM,

THE COMPANY HAS
SHUT OFF THE WATER.

- OOH, HOW EMBARRASSING.

WHAT AM I GOING TO USE TO
WASH DOWN THE CHAMPAGNE?

- MIGHT I SUGGEST A
VERY DRY CHABLIS, MADAM.

1927 WAS AN EXCELLENT YEAR.

- TREMBLAY, HAVE YOU LOST
YOUR MARBLES COMPLETELY?

YOU KNOW I DESPISE CHABLIS.

REMIND ME TO FIRE YOU.
- YES, MADAM.

- OH, DON'T STAND THERE FAWNING,
BRING IN THE LARGEST CREDITOR.

I'LL BULLDOZE HIM MYSELF.

- BEG YOUR PARDON, MADAM,
BUT YOU'RE SPEAKING TO HIM.

- YOU?
- I, MADAM.

YOU OWE ME BACK SALARIES
AMOUNTING TO $11,722.40.

- TREMBLAY, YOU WOULDN'T
CARE TO TOSS FOR IT, WOULD YOU?

DOUBLE OR NOTHING?

- OH, NO, MADAM. I WOULD NOT.

I RECALL HOW YOU WON THE
ENTIRE STATE OF DELAWARE

BY TOSSING COINS.

IN FACT, IT WAS I
WHO FIXED THE COINS.

- NEVER MIND, YOU BLABBERMOUTH.

OH, GO POLISH SOME SILVER.
- YES, MADAM.

- MRS. OSBORNE, WE'VE
GOT TO TALK TO YOU.

- NOT A CHANCE.

I ONLY SPEAK TO
TRADESPEOPLE ON THURSDAY.

- IT'S ABOUT CHATSWORTH.

- THERE IS NO DAY I WISH
TO SPEAK ABOUT HIM.

OH, CHATSWORTH DEAR,

WHY ARE YOU THRASHING AROUND
LIKE A WOUNDED MACKEREL?

- MUMSY, MAKE THEM LET ME GO.

- OH, SURELY YOU JEST.

DON'T RELAX YOUR HOLD
FOR A MOMENT, HE IS SLIPPERY.

- MRS. OSBORNE,

WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT
CHATSWORTH IS THE MASTERMIND

OF A CLEVER CONFIDENCE GAME.

- IMPOSSIBLE.

- IT'S TRICKY AND DISHONEST.
- POSSIBLE.

- MUMSY, I ONLY DID IT

TO RESTORE THE
HONOR OF THE OSBORNES.

- OH, QUIET, YOU...

HOW COULD YOU RESTORE
THE HONOR OF THE OSBORNES

BY COOKING UP SOME
SNEAKY CROOKED SCHEME

AND GETTING CAUGHT AT IT?

- OH, MRS. OSBORNE,
IT'S A SERIOUS MATTER.

CHATSWORTH ORGANIZED A
CHARITY CAMPAIGN TO COLLECT FUNDS

FOR WHAT HE CLAIMED
WAS A NEEDY FAMILY.

- BUT HE REFUSES TO TELL
US THE NAME OF THIS FAMILY.

- RIGHT. SO IT'S AS PLAIN AS
THE NOSE ON YOUR FACE THAT...

NO OFFENSE, THAT THERE
AIN'T NO SUCH FAMILY,

AND THAT YOUR SON
AIN'T NO GENTLEMAN.

- WHO SAYS HE AIN'T?
- NOW WAIT A SECOND.

YOU MEAN CHATSWORTH
WAS TELLING THE TRUTH?

- IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT YES.

HE WAS COLLECTING FOR A
POVERTY STRICKEN FAMILY.

- NO. NO. NO, MUMSY.
PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM.

I BEG OF YOU.

- IF I DON'T TELL THEM,
YOU'LL GO TO PRISON.

- TELL THEM. TELL THEM. OH,
THE HUMILIATION OF IT ALL.

I SHALL NEVER AGAIN BE
ABLE TO HOLD MY WICKET UP

AT A CRICKET MATCH.

- NOW, LET'S CUT
OUT ALL THIS JABBER

AND GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS.

THIS KID IS INTO ME FOR 16 BUCKS

WHICH I LAID OUT TO FURNISH
THE PAINT AND THE CARDBOARD

TO MAKE THEM SIGNS.

- AND HE TOOK MONEY

FROM PRACTICALLY
EVERY STUDENT ON CAMPUS.

- SO NAME THE NEEDY FAMILY.

- THE NAME OF THE NEEDY
FAMILY IS NAMELY US.

WE ARE, IF I USE THE TERM
CORRECTLY, PENNILESS.

- THE OSBORNES BROKE?

I SHOULD BE SO BROKE.

- YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT GILLIS.
WE ARE BROKE $30 MILLION WORTH.

TRY AND TOP THAT.

- YOU'VE LOST ALL YOUR
MONEY? WHAT HAPPENED?

- YOU REMEMBER BLACK TUESDAY?

WELL, WITH US IT WAS BLACK
MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY,

INCLUSIVE.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT OSBORNE MANOR
AND THE CARS AND THE SERVANTS?

- THE SERVANTS WON'T LEAVE.

I OWE THEM TOO MUCH MONEY,
AND WE CAN'T SELL THE CARS.

THERE'S VERY LITTLE DEMAND
FOR SOLID GOLD SPARK PLUGS,

AND NO ONE CAN AFFORD
TO BUY OSBORNE MANOR

EXCEPT THE MAHARAJA
BAKSHIS AND 12 OF HIS WIVES

DON'T LIKE MY COLOR SCHEME.

- OH, MICE AND RATS.

- YOU'RE REALLY FLAT?

- AS A PANCAKE,
GILLIS, AS A PANCAKE.

CHATSWORTH, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE
BACK EVERY CENT YOU COLLECTED,

EVERY LAST CENT.

- WELL, IF HE DOES THAT,

I'M SURE EVERYONE
WILL BE WILLING

TO FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

- DON'T BE SO SURE.

I AIN'T WILLING TO FORGET THE
16 BUCKS HE OWES ME FOR PAINT.

- EVERYTHING ON THIS
ESTATE IS MORTGAGED

TO SOME GOVERNMENT OR ANOTHER.

SO I FEAR THE ONLY
WAY I CAN PAY BACK

THE PIDDLING AMOUNT I
OWE YOU IS I SHALL GET A JOB.

- A JOB?

MUMSY, PLEASE, NOT SO LOUD.

SUPPOSE GRANDFATHER
OSBORNE SHOULD HEAR YOU

FROM THAT BIG BROKERAGE
HOUSE IN THE SKY.

- MRS. OSBORNE, WHAT
KIND OF JOB COULD YOU GET?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WHAT BANK IN TOWN
NEEDS A NEW DIRECTOR?

MUMSY IS QUALIFIED TO
FORECLOSE WITH THE BEST OF THEM.

- I'M AFRAID THEY DON'T
QUITE DO IT THAT WAY.

- SHE BETTER THINK OF SOMETHING
BECAUSE I WANT MY 16 SMACKERS.

- I AM A GENIUS AT ARRANGING
INTIMATE FORMAL DINNERS

FOR 40 OR 50 PEOPLE.

I'M AN ABSOLUTE MARVEL AT
KEEPINGS SERVANTS ON THEIR TOES,

AND I AM A WHIZ AT
HOME DECORATION.

MR. GILLIS, MEET YOUR
NEW HOUSEKEEPER.

- YOU?

MRS. CHATSWORTH OSBORNE,
SR. MY HOUSEKEEPER?

- CHATSWORTH GOES
ALONG AS THE BUTLER.

- OH, DOOM, OH, BLACK DAY.

- HOUSEKEEPER AND A BUTLER, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I THINK
WINNIE MIGHT LIKE THAT.

- $16 WORTH OF SERVICE.

- HOW DOES A MONTH SOUND?
- A MONTH?

- OKAY, TWO MONTHS. IT'S A DEAL.

- DAD HAD EVERY RIGHT TO
BELIEVE THAT MOM WOULD BE HAPPY

IF HE GOT HER A
MAID AND A BUTLER.

SO WHEN HE TOLD HER THAT
MRS. OSBORNE AND CHATSWORTH

WERE COMING IN TO WORK FOR US,

SHE HAD A QUICK ANSWER.

- AH!

- OH, I KNOW IT'S KIND OF A
SHOCK SEEING THEM LIKE THIS,

BUT I BET YOU'RE GOING
TO LEARN TO LIKE THE IDEA.

- YOUR RESPECTFUL BUTLER,
MADAM, AT YOUR SERVICE.

- YOUR RESPECTFUL MAID
AND HOUSEKEEPER, MADAM.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?

- OH, GILLIS, YOU OX,
DON'T STAND THERE.

SHOW YOUR SERVANTS TO
THE SERVANTS' QUARTERS.

- OH, YES. YEAH.

I FIXED UP A ROOM FOR
YOU OVER THE GARAGE.

- WHAT ABOUT MY BAGS?

- YES. WHAT ABOUT YOUR BAGS?

- YOU, SIR, ARE NO GENTLEMAN.

- HUH? OH, YES. YES. ALL RIGHT.
- MINE, TOO, GILLIS,

THIS BUTLERING IS
EXHAUSTING WORK.

- YEAH. HERE WE GO.

WHO'S BUTLERING HERE?

- OH!

- SO WE HAD A MAID
AND WE HAD A BUTLER.

NATURALLY, THE MAID'S PURPOSE
WAS TO MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR MOM.

- AUNT WINNIE, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M CLEANING THE WINDOWS.

I'D DIE IF THE NEW MAID THOUGHT
I WAS A BAD HOUSEKEEPER.

- AND THE BUTLER'S MAIN JOB
WAS THE MAKE LIFE PLEASANTER

FOR DAD.

- WHAT A DAY.

I AM BUSHED.

- SIR, YOUR ROBE, YOUR PIPE,
AND YOUR EVENING PAPER.

- OH, SO THAT'S WHAT
BUTLERS ARE FOR, HUH?

- BIEN SUR. THAT
MEANS YES INDEEDY DO.

- OH.

- YOUR PIPE, AND
YOUR EVENING PAPER.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M NOT GOING TO
SPEND THE EVENING

IN A CRAZY OUTFIT LIKE THIS.

- OH, PLEASE, SIR,

DON'T EMBARRASS ME BY
REVEALING YOUR IGNORANCE.

THAT'S THE LATEST
THING. FEET UP.

- YEAH?

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY EVENING PAPER?

- I CUT OUT ALL THE
UNPLEASANT ITEMS.

AFTER A HARD DAY AT THE STORE,

I WON'T PERMIT YOU TO READ
THINGS THAT MIGHT UPSET YOU.

- BY THIS TIME, DAD
WAS A BIT UPSET.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY UPSET.

WHAT HE WAS, WAS READY
TO STRANGLE CHATSWORTH,

AND THAT WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

- I NEED A BIG MEAL AFTER
A DAY LIKELY JUST TO...

CALL THE COPS, SOMEBODY
SWIPED OUR KITCHEN.

- MRS. OSBORNE, WHAT HAPPENED?

- OH, I GOT RID OF ALL
THAT MISERABLE OLD STUFF,

AND I REPLACED IT
WITH NEW EQUIPMENT.

CHARMING, ISN'T IT?

- CHARMING? IT'S
CHARMINGLY NUTS.

HOW DO YOU THINK I'M GOING
TO PAY FOR ALL THIS JUNK?

- WELL, GIUSEPPE CANNOT WORK
IN ALL THAT OTHER KIND OF JUNK.

- GIUSEPPE? WHO...
WHAT... WHO'S GUISEPPE?

- THE FINEST CHEF
THIS SIDE OF PARIS.

I JUST ORDERED HIM FOR YOU.

A THOUSAND A MONTH,
PLUS EXPENSES.

- A CHEF? BUT WE
DON'T NEED A CHEF.

- OF COURSE YOU DO.

YOU CERTAINLY DON'T
EXPECT ME TO COOK, DO YOU?

MY SPECIALTY IS SUPERVISION.

MMM, PAR EXCELLENT.

- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE!

- STOP BREATHING.

YOU'RE FOGGING UP
THE COPPERWARE.

THE GRAND PIANO
IS ON THE WAY UP.

- A GRAND PIANO?

- DEAR. BUT OF COURSE.
GIUSEPPE IS ITALIAN.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO
COOK CHICKEN CACCIATORE

WITHOUT THE PROPER
MUSICAL BACKGROUND,

NAMELY, GRAND OPERA.

[SINGING OPERA]

STOP THAT GOLD
BRICKING DOWN THERE.

[SINGING OPERA]

- I'VE HEARD ABOUT PEOPLE
HAVING A SERVANT PROBLEM,

BUT IN OUR HOUSE THE SERVANTS
WERE HAVING A PEOPLE PROBLEM,

AND THE ROUGHEST
PART WAS STILL AHEAD.

- HEY, DOBE, WHAT TIME IS THE
NEW MAID GOING TO SERVE DINNER?

I ONLY HAD ONE THING
TO EAT SINCE BREAKFAST.

- YEAH, LUNCH.
- NO. A MIDNIGHT SNACK.

YOU KNOW I DON'T
TELL TIME TOO GOOD.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU KIDS.
CLEAR OUT OF HERE.

THE GUY FROM THE CITY
TAX ASSESSOR'S OFFICE

IS ON HIS WAY UPSTAIRS.

- HEY, YOU GONNA TRY TO CHISEL
HIM AGAIN THIS YEAR, MR. G.?

- OH, KNOCK IT OFF, MAYNARD,

AND ON SECOND THOUGHT
YOU BETTER STAY HERE.

YOU MAKE ANY PROPERTY
LOOK DEPRECIATED.

- WHY THANK YOU.

- ALL I AM TRYING TO
DO IS TO SHOW HIM

THAT WE ARE JUST
PLAIN, HONEST PEOPLE,

AND PUT A LITTLE DIRT
ON YOUR FACE, SON,

IT'LL MAKE YOU LOOK
EVEN MORE PATHETIC.

- DAD. COME ON, MAYNARD.

- BUT LOOK, ALL WE WANT TO
DO IS TO SHOW THE MAN THAT...

EVERY LITTLE BIT
WOULD HELP, YOU KNOW?

- HERBERT?

- OH, MR. NICHOLS,
AS YOU CAN SEE,

WE'RE JUST PLAIN, ORDINARY,
EVERYDAY HARDWORKING PEOPLE.

- WELL, MR. GILLIS, YOUR
REPORT'S THE SAME THIS YEAR,

AND SO IS THE ROOM.

RADIO TURNED AROUND,
COVER OVER THE TV,

TABLE HURRIEDLY MESSED UP,

AND UNDER THE PILLOW
THE BRONZE ELEPHANT

WHICH YOU WON LAST
YEAR AT THE LODGE

AND WHICH YOU NEVER DECLARED.

HOWEVER, I SEE NO REASON
WHY THE TAX ASSESSMENT

SHOULDN'T STAND THE
SAME FOR THIS YEAR?

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

WE'RE JUST PLAIN HONEST
PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.

NO FRILLS, NOTHING FANCY.

PRACTICALLY LIVE ON PICKLES.

- REFRESHMENTS ARE
SERVED MADAM AND MONSIEUR.

- AND THE HORS D'OEUVRE.

WE HAD TO SEND
OUT FOR THE CAVIAR.

- A BUTLER AND A MAID? CAVIAR?

- MR. NICHOLS, DON'T
JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

- YEAH. PLEASE,
PLEASE, MR. NICHOLS,

DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

YOU SEE WE... WE... YOU
WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

- WELL, WE TOOK THE LIBERTY OF
THROWING OUT YOUR CROCKERY

AND REPLACING IT WITH
THIS IMPORTED SILVERWARE.

- AND WE REPLACED YOUR
OLD DIME STORE GLASSES

WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL
LALIQUE CRYSTAL.

- IMPORTED SILVER,
CAVIAR, CHAMPAGNE,

GILLIS I'M DOUBLING YOUR TAXES.

- OH, PLEASE, YOUR HONOR.

- JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE THE
NEW TABLECLOTH, IRISH LINEN,

A BARGAIN AT $20 A SQUARE FOOT.

- HEY, MR. G., ARE YOU
THROUGH CHISELING HIM YET?

- DOUBLING THE TAXES?
I'M TRIPLING THEM.

- OOH!

- MR. GILLIS, WE PROMISED
TO WORK FOR YOU

UNTIL THE $16 WE
OWED YOU WAS PAID OFF.

NOW ARE YOU SURE
TWO DAYS ARE ENOUGH?

- TWO DAYS IS ALL
I COULD AFFORD,

SO WE ARE EVEN AND GOODBYE.

- MRS. GILLIS, I
WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR YOUR KINDNESS
AND YOUR SYMPATHY.

SOMETIMES WHEN A PERSON
RUNS INTO A STREAK OF HARD LUCK,

SHE LEARNS WHO HER
FRIENDS REALLY ARE.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- AND ALL OF YOU HAVE
BEEN TERRIBLY DECENT TO US,

TERRIBLY DECENT.

- GEE, I'M GETTING PRETTY MISTY.

- WE ONLY DID WHAT
ANYONE WOULD DO

IF HE WAS A FINE, DECENT,
HONORABLE HUMAN BEING.

- OH, IT WAS MORE THAN THAT.

YOU SHOWED A TRUE SYMPATHY,

AND I SHALL NEVER BE
ABLE TO THANK YOU ENOUGH.

- MADAM! MADAM!

REMEMBER THE RUBBER
PLANTATION IN BRAZIL

THAT YOU HAD GIVEN UP FOR LOST?

- TREMBLAY, I'M TELLING YOU...

- MADAM, REMEMBER THE
BRAZILIAN RUBBER PLANTATION

THAT YOU'D GIVEN UP FOR LOST?

- YES. WHAT ABOUT IT?

- WELL, IT'S BOUNCED
BACK, MADAM,

AND THE PRICE OF RUBBER
HAS RISEN TO A NEW HIGH,

AND OH, MADAM,
YOU'RE WEALTHY AGAIN.

- $35 MILLION WEALTHY.

- OH, GOODY GOODY GUMDROPS.
NOW I CAN WEAR VESTS AGAIN.

- MRS. OSBORNE, I
WANT YOU TO REALIZE

THAT WHAT WE DID OUT
OF A TRUE SYMPATHY.

- QUIET, GILLIS.

I SPEAK ONLY ON THURSDAY
TO TRADESPEOPLE.

- JUST A MINUTE, CHATSWORTH,

THERE'S ONE THING I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

- AWAY UNTIL THURSDAY, DOBIE DO.

WHAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR
MUMSY IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

COME MUMSY, LET
US DEPART THIS SLUM.

- YOU RAGAMUFFIN,
CARRY OUR BAGS.

I'M LOADED AGAIN.

I'LL GIVE YOU A SHINY NEW DIME.

- I'D RATHER HAVE A
DIRTY OLD QUARTER.