The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Fast White Mouse - full transcript
Based on his science class' experiment on heredity using white mice, Dobie thinks he knows how to stop Zelda from pursuing him: tell her that his inferior genes will result in the possibility of stupid children. Based on the academics of heredity from that class, she can't argue with his logic. The next step is to find Zelda a replacement boyfriend of high intelligence with whom to eventually breed. The smartest boy in the class is the one they choose: Chatsworth Osborne, Jr. They are eventually able to convince both Chatsworth and Mrs. Osborne that Zelda is a good match for Chatsworth in terms of genetics. But the old adage of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies to Dobie as he admits he misses Zelda once she's out of his life for good. Dobie tries to find a way to get Zelda back, and decides to use a couple of white mice to do so, they who may be more driven by basic animal need than intelligence or lack thereof.
- HELLO, MY LOVE OBJECT.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
YOU'RE IN A CLASSROOM.
- SO WHAT? I LOVE
YOU IN A CLASSROOM.
I LOVE YOU ANYWHERE.
I LOVE YOU INDOORS, OUTDOORS,
UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS,
BACKWARDS, FORWARDS, I LOVE YOU.
- ZELDA.
- HOW COME?
- HOW COME WHAT?
- HOW COME YOU LOVE
HIM? HE DON'T LOVE YOU.
- HE WILL. I'LL GET HIM YET.
- SO WHAT DO YOU
HAVE WHEN YOU GET HIM?
HE'S KIND OF PUNY,
HE AIN'T TOO BRIGHT,
AND HE'LL BE BALD
BEFORE HE'S 30.
- THANKS A LOT.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, MAYNARD?
THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I LOVE HIM.
I MEAN, HE'S WEAK AND
BEWILDERED AND HELPLESS.
HE NEEDS ME TO GUIDE
HIS FALTERING FEET.
- ZELDA, PLEASE, WON'T
YOU GET OFF MY BACK?
- NEVER, POOPSIE.
I'M GOING TO STRAIGHTEN
YOU OUT, AND WE'LL BE MARRIED
AND LIVE IN A SPLIT-LEVEL
HOUSE WITH A BIG GREEN LAWN
AND RHODODENDRON BUSHES,
AND WE'LL HAVE
THREE LITTLE CHILDREN,
TWO BOYS AND A GIRL.
- AND I SHALL SEND EACH
OF THEM A SILVER SPOON
FOR HIS CHRISTENING.
BUT RIGHT NOW, I SHOULD
LIKE TO BEGIN THE CLASS
PROVIDED, OF COURSE,
YOU HAVE NO OBJECTION?
- I DO. I GOT, LIKE,
LOTS OF OBJECTIONS.
- YES, KREBS, I'M SURE
YOU DO, BUT LET'S PRESS ON.
ARNOLD, PREPARE THE MICE.
NOW, RIGHT HERE, MY
YOUNG BARBARIANS, IS A MAZE.
PLEASE GATHER AROUND.
AND DOWN INTO THE MAZE,
THERE'S A LITTLE BOX OF CHEESE.
RIGHT HERE, I'M GOING TO HAVE
ARNOLD PUT ONE OF THE MICE.
THIS IS BF436, BF
FOR BRIGHT FEMALE.
SEE HOW WELL SHE RUNS
WITHOUT PAUSES, WITHOUT ERRORS.
THIS BRIGHT LITTLE CREATURE
MAKES HER WAY RIGHT
TO THE CHEESE.
VERY FINE, MY LITTLE
BEAUTY, VERY INTELLIGENT.
NOW, HERE WE HAVE
ANOTHER WHITE MOUSE,
BUT THIS, YOU MIGHT SAY, IS A
MOUSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR.
NOW, THIS ONE IS DM108.
SEE HOW HE HESITATES,
HOW HE FUMBLES,
RETRACES HIS STEPS.
NOW, YOU KNOW
WHY WE CALL HIM DM,
FOR DULL MALE.
NOW, CLASS, WHAT DOES
THIS EXPERIMENT PROVE?
- THAT MICE LIKE CHEESE.
- BRILLIANT. OH, MR. GILLIS.
- IT PROVES SOME MICE ARE
DUMBER THAN OTHERS, BUT WHY?
- NOW, THAT IS THE
QUESTION, WHY?
AND THE ANSWER IS HEREDITY.
YOU SEE, ONE MOUSE HAS
BEEN BRED FOR INTELLIGENCE,
THE OTHER ONE FOR STUPIDITY.
WE'VE CONTROLLED
THESE LABORATORY ANIMALS
FOR GENERATIONS
THROUGH SELECTIVE MATING.
- OOH, WHAT HE SAID.
- YOU MEAN, FOR ONE
MOUSE YOU PICKED
A BRIGHT MOTHER AND FATHER,
AND FOR THE OTHER ONE YOU
PICKED A DUMB MOTHER AND FATHER?
- NOW, WE WENT
FURTHER BACK THAN THAT.
WE PICKED THEIR GRANDPARENTS
AS WELL AS THEIR
GREAT GRANDPARENTS,
AND YOU CAN SEE THE RESULTS.
IT WORKS THE SAME
WITH ANY OTHER SPECIES.
NOT ONLY MICE.
- YES, IT WORKS
PARTICULARLY WELL ON PEOPLE.
FOR EXAMPLE, IN
THE OSBORNE FAMILY,
FOUR GENERATIONS,
WE HAVE BEEN PICKING
OUR ANCESTORS
VERY, VERY CAREFULLY.
WELL, JUST LOOK AT ME.
- YEAH, I THINK SOMEBODY GOOFED.
- HUSH UP, YOU LOW-BORN PERSON.
- WELL, THAT'S WHY DUMB
DOGS HAVE DUMB PUPS
AND DUMB CATS HAVE DUMB KITTENS
AND DUMB PARENTS
HAVE DUMB CHILDREN.
IT'S CALLED THE HEREDITY FACTOR.
WELL, WHAT'S THE
MATTER, MR. GILLIS?
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
LOOKING LIKE THAT BEFORE.
- I JUST GOT A BRILLIANT IDEA.
- NO WONDER I'VE NEVER SEEN
YOU LOOKING LIKE THAT BEFORE.
[JAZZ THEME]
I NEVER THOUGHT THIS
DAY WOULD COME, NEVER.
FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET ZELDA OFF MY BACK.
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW,
BUT WHAT CHANCE DID I HAVE?
I MEAN, ZELDA'S ALL BRAIN,
AND ME, WELL, LET'S FACE IT.
I'M CHARMING, LOVEABLE,
CLEAN-CUT, WINSOME,
LOYAL, DEVOTED, TRUE.
BUT SMART? MM.
SMART, I'VE NEVER
BEEN, UNTIL NOW.
THIS TIME I'M A
CINCH TO OUTWIT HER,
A CINCH TO OUTFOX
HER, TO OUTCLEVER,
TO DAZZLE HER WITH MY FOOTWORK.
BOY, WILL I DAZZLE HER.
MAYNARD, MAYNARD, OLD
FRIEND, THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY,
AN HISTORIC DAY.
- DON'T TELL ME. LET ME
GUESS. LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE.
IT'S NOT THE FOURTH OF
JULY 'CAUSE THAT'S IN AUGUST.
IT'S NOT COLUMBUS DAY
'CAUSE THAT'S IN 1492.
AND IT'S NOT LINCOLN'S BIRTHDAY
'CAUSE THAT'S ON
WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY.
I GIVE UP.
- TODAY'S THE
DAY THAT I FINALLY,
WITH MY OWN HEAD,
FIGURED OUT A WAY TO
GET ZELDA OFF OF MY BACK,
TRULY AND COMPLETELY OFF
MY BACK NOW AND FOREVER.
- YOU'RE JOSHING?
- YOU SURE ARE, POOPSIE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
RIDICULOUS SCHEME
YOUR PUNY LITTLE
MIND HAS COME UP WITH
THIS TIME, DOBIE, BUT YOU
MIGHT AS WELL FORGET IT.
YOU'LL NEVER RID OF ME
BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU THINK OF,
I'LL ALWAYS THINK OF
SOMETHING BETTER.
- OH, I KNOW, ZELDA, I KNOW.
- BECAUSE I HAVE A
MIND LIKE EINSTEIN,
MADAME CURIE AND...
ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.
AND YOU ON THE OTHER HAND...
- AM SLOW, DULL, DIM,
THICK AND FOOLISH.
- YOU FORGOT STUPID.
- YEAH. AND STUPID.
- TRUE. SO WHY DON'T YOU
SPARE YOURSELF, DOBIE,
AND COME TO ZELDA,
WHO WILL ALWAYS LOVE
AND CHERISH YOU AND PROTECT
YOU FROM THE CRUEL WORLD?
- HMM. ZELDA, I'D
LIKE NOTHING BETTER.
I MEAN, LIFE WOULD BE SO
SIMPLE WITH A GENIUS LIKE YOU
TAKING CARE OF A DOPE LIKE ME.
BUT, ZELDA, WE JUST CAN'T DO IT.
- YOU ABOUT TO
SPRING THE TRAP, DOBE?
- IN A MINUTE.
- YEAH.
- WELL, SPRING IT AND
LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.
I'D LIKE TO MEASURE
YOU FOR A NEW SWEATER.
- HMM. ZELDA, MY DEAR.
- HEY, ZELDA, I REALLY THINK
HE'S GOT SOMETHING THIS TIME.
- PISH-POSH.
YES, DOBIE, MY
BELOVED NUMBSKULL.
- OH, I AM A NUMBSKULL.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
I AM, A NUMBSKULL,
AND YOU'VE GOT A
MIND LIKE A COMPUTER.
- WELL, THAT WAS ESTABLISHED
BACK IN KINDERGARTEN.
NOW, LET'S GET ON
WITH YOUR SCHEME.
- I'M ROOTING FOR YOU, DOBE.
- YEAH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
ZELDA, MY DEAR, YOU HAVE, I
UNDERSTAND, A PLAN FOR ME.
- YOU KNOW IT, BUSTER.
- UH-HUH.
- WE WILL BE MARRIED AND
LIVE IN A SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE
WITH A BIG GREEN LAWN
AND RHODODENDRON BUSHES,
AND WE'LL HAVE
THREE LITTLE CHILDREN,
TWO BOYS AND A GIRL.
- AHA.
- AH, NOW, YOU'RE GONNA
SPRING THE TRAP, HUH, DOBE?
- RIGHT NOW.
- SPRING ALREADY.
- ZELDA, DO YOU REMEMBER
WHAT THE PROFESSOR SAID
WHEN HE WAS DOING THAT
EXPERIMENT YESTERDAY
WITH THE WHITE MICE, ALL
THAT STUFF ABOUT HEREDITY,
DUMB DOGS HAVE DUMB PUPS
AND DUMB CATS HAVE DUMB KITTENS
AND DUMB PEOPLE
HAVE DUMB CHILDREN?
- BUT I'M NOT DUMB.
- BUT I AM.
ZELDA, HOW CAN YOU
DO SUCH A ROTTEN THING
TO YOUR CHILDREN, GIVING
THEM MY DUMB BRAIN?
- BUT THEY'LL BE
INHERITING MY BRAIN TOO.
- MAYBE, IT'S A 50-50 CHANCE,
BUT HOW CAN YOU RISK IT, ZELDA?
HOW CAN YOU GAMBLE WITH
YOUR CHILDREN'S MINDS?
- HMM.
- OH, NO, ZELDA, YOU'VE
GOT TO GIVE ME UP
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME GO.
- BUT, DOBIE, I LOVE YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BURDEN
THOSE POOR, LITTLE
INNOCENT BABIES
WITH MY DUMB OLD MIND.
YOU'RE GONNA FIND A MATE
JUST AS INTELLIGENT AS YOURSELF.
- DOBIE, YOU'VE DONE IT.
YOU'VE OUTSMARTED ME.
- EUROPA.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S EUREKA.
COME, ZELDA.
- WHERE?
- TO START OUR SEARCH
FOR AN INTELLIGENT MATE,
A MAN WITH A BRAIN SO
LARGE, SO ACTIVE, SO DYNAMIC
THAT HE'LL BE A WORTHY
FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.
AND OF ALL THE GUYS ON CAMPUS,
IT'S OBVIOUS THAT THE SMARTEST,
THE SHARPEST, THE WISEST,
THE DEEPEST, THE QUICKEST,
THE BRIGHTEST CAN ONLY BE...
- SURELY, YOU
JEST, GILLIS, BABY.
- BUT, CHATSWORTH, YOU
HAVEN'T THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
REMEMBER, YOU'RE AN ARISTOCRAT,
A THOROUGHBRED, AN INTELLECTUAL.
- A RAT.
- MAYNARD.
- DOBIE, JUST GIVE IT UP.
CHATSWORTH DOESN'T WANT ME.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA
CHICKIE, BUT TRUE.
YOU, NO DOUBT HAVE
MANY FINE QUALITIES.
- YOU BET SHE HAS
MANY FINE QUALITIES:
BRAIN POWER, INTELLECT, CUNNING,
A MIND TO MATCH YOUR OWN.
CHATSWORTH, WHEN YOU'VE GOT
A THOROUGHBRED RACEHORSE,
YOU LOOK FOR ANOTHER
THOROUGHBRED.
YOU DON'T GO
LOOKING FOR SOME NAG
THAT'S PULLING A MILK WAGON.
- ROCHELLE IS SCARCELY A
NAG THAT PULLS A MILK WAGON,
ARE YOU, MON CHERI?
- SCARCELY.
- ALL RIGHT, SO
SHE'S A BLUE BLOOD,
BUT SHE'S AWFUL DUMB.
- I'LL TELL YOU HOW DUMB SHE IS.
SHE WAS COPYING MY
TEST PAPER THE OTHER DAY.
DOBIE, IT IS WELL KNOWN
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO FOIST ZELDA OFF
ON SOMEONE FOR YEARS,
AND I DO WISH YOU LUCK
IN THIS WORTHY PURSUIT.
BUT ME, DOBIE-DO, NO, DOBIE-DO.
COME ROCHELLE,
MY LITTLE MUSKRAT,
LET'S GO FOR A SPIN
IN MY MADLY EXPENSIVE
HANDMADE SPORTS CAR.
- DOBIE, I GUESS WE'RE SKUNKED.
LET'S GO LOOK FOR
THE SECOND BEST IQ.
- OH, NO, SIR, THERE'LL BE
NO SECOND BEST FOR YOU.
ONLY THE TOP IS GOOD
ENOUGH FOR MY ZELDA.
- DOBIE, I LOVE YOU.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL,
EXCEPT FOR YOUR BRAIN.
- THE ONLY TROUBLE IS,
HOW ARE WE GONNA GET
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JR.?
- DOBIE, IF YOU'LL FORGIVE
ME, THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM
WHICH REQUIRES A BIG MIND.
NOW, YOU'VE TAKEN ME
ABOUT AS FAR AS YOU CAN
WITH YOUR LIMITED
MENTAL EQUIPMENT,
AND I'M VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU.
BUT FROM HERE
ON, I'M TAKING OVER.
I MEAN, WELL, YOU DON'T
SEND A BOY TO DO A MAN'S JOB.
- HEY, COOL, YOU'RE
GONNA PUT THAT ROTTEN,
CONNIVING BRAIN OF
YOURS TO WORK, HUH, ZEL?
- YOU BET.
- IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY.
CHATSWORTH IS A TOUGH
GUY TO MOVE, EVEN FOR YOU.
- TRUE, BUT THERE IS
ONE POWER IN THE WORLD
THAT CAN MOVE
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JR.,
ONE POWER.
- PREPOSTEROUS.
- MRS. OSBORNE, YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
- THERE IS NOTHING
TO THINK ABOUT.
CHATSWORTH IS AN ARISTOCRAT
AND YOU ARE A COMMONER.
- OH, ME, TOO, I'M MORE
COMMONER THAN ANYBODY.
- THAT'S EXACTLY THE
POINT, MRS. OSBORNE.
YOU GOT TO THINK
OF THE OSBORNE LINE.
LOOK AT HIM, THE
END OF THE LINE.
- OH, REALLY,
MUMSY, THIS IS TOO...
- OH, NASTY.
- NOW, TAKE ME ON THE
OTHER HAND, I'M SMART.
- SHE'S BEEN VALEDICTORIAN
EVER SINCE KINDERGARTEN.
- AND I'M STRONG.
- WANNA HIT HER IN THE STOMACH?
- AND I'M HEALTHY.
- SHOW HER YOUR TEETH, ZELDA.
- LOOK.
- YEAH, ONCE IN A CARNIVAL,
I SAW HER BITE CLEAN
THROUGH A 2-BY-4.
- I'M A HARD WORKER.
I SPEND PRACTICALLY NO MONEY,
AND MY DIGESTION IS PERFECT.
- ALSO, HER APPENDIX IS OUT.
- CHILD, I AM, OF
COURSE, VERY IMPRESSED
BY YOUR MANIFOLD ASSETS,
BUT THINK OF THE DIFFERENCE
IN OUR SOCIAL STANDINGS.
- YOU THINK OF THE
DIFFERENCE, MRS. OSBORNE.
ARE YOU FORGETTING WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE ROYAL FAMILIES
IN EUROPE IN THE OLDEN DAYS?
THEY DIDN'T MARRY ANY
COMMONERS AND THEIR BLOOD KEPT
GETTING THINNER AND THINNER
UNTIL FINALLY THE FAMILIES
JUST DISAPPEARED.
LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE BOURBONS.
- THEY ALL GOT DRUNK.
- LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE HAPSBURGS, THE TUDORS,
THE STUARTS. WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
ARE YOU GOING TO
LET THE OSBORNE LINE
JUST DWINDLE AWAY LIKE THAT?
- NO, BY THUNDER I AM NOT.
- MUMSY, WHATEVER
ARE YOU THINKING OF?
ROCHELLE AND I HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING.
- WELL GOLLY WHISKERS,
MRS. OSBORNE.
- OUT OF HERE, YOU PUNY GIRL.
TAKE YOUR FLIMSY
ARISTOCRATIC BONES OUT OF HERE,
BE GONE!
- MUMSY!
- OH, CHATSWORTH, DON'T
EVER SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT
WITHOUT WARNING ME.
- MUMSY, I WILL NOT BE
TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF CHATTEL.
- YOU WILL DO EXACTLY
AS YOUR MOTHER
WHO LOVES YOU COMMANDS.
I HAVEN'T MANY MORE YEARS LEFT.
NOT MORE THAN 40 OR 50 PERHAPS.
BUT BEFORE I GO, I WANT
TO SEE THIS OSBORNE HOUSE
FULL OF STURDY,
YOUNG LITTLE OSBORNES.
- YAY, MRS. O.
- OH, YOU'LL NEVER
REGRET THIS, MRS. OSBORNE.
- I CERTAINLY WILL NOT.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE
THIS LITTLE GIRL,
PEASANT THOUGH SHE MAY BE.
I LIKE THE INTELLIGENCE SHINING
IN THOSE BEADY LITTLE EYES.
I LIKE THAT TINY,
SCHEMING LITTLE BROW
AND THAT STUBBORN
BUTTON LITTLE CHIN.
GIVE ME GRANDSONS.
DO YOU HEAR ME, GIRL?
GIVE ME LOTS OF GRANDSONS.
I WANT STURDY, RUTHLESS,
UNPRINCIPLED, NASTY LITTLE BOYS
TO CARRY ON THE
OSBORNE TRADITION.
- MUMSY, I WON'T DO IT.
I SHALL HOLD MY
BREATH UNTIL I DIE.
- YOU ARE LOOKING AT
DOBIE GILLIS, FREE MAN.
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY WHOLE LIFE,
ZELDA'S OFF MY BACK,
ACTUALLY, HONESTLY OFF MY BACK.
BOY, WHAT A GLORIOUS FEELING.
AND, OF COURSE, I'M
NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY
ABOUT WHAT I DID TO ZELDA.
WITHOUT ME, SHE'S A CINCH TO
TURN INTO A POOR, MISERABLE,
UNHAPPY CREATURE.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE SO DARLING.
- YES, I AM RATHER, AREN'T I?
- AND TO THINK I HAD
DOUBTS ABOUT YOU AND I.
- WELL, I, TOO, MY LITTLE
OTTER, WAS QUITE OUT OF SORTS
AT THE BEGINNING,
BUT NOW THAT I'VE COME TO
KNOW YOU, MWAH... MOI QUELLE JOIE.
- AND MWAH MOI
QUELLE JOIE TO YOU TOO.
- AND TO THINK OF ALL THE
TIME I WASTED ON THOSE
WELL-BORN LITTLE
FLIBBERTIGIBBETS.
- WHAT ARE YOU
COMPLAINING ABOUT?
I HAD DOBIE.
- DOBE, I'M GONNA GET ME ONE
OF THOSE GOOFBALL SPECIALS,
ONE SCOOP OF VANILLA, ONE
SCOOP OF STRAWBERRY SHERBET,
ONE SCOOP OF DICED LEG OF
LAMB. WANT I SHOULD I GET YOU ONE?
- JUST A MINUTE. I SEE
ZELDA OVER THERE.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO GO
OVER AND CHEER HER UP.
- HIS BROTHER CAME
WITH A PINEAPPLE.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW, DOBE,
LOOKS LIKE IF SHE
GETS ANY MORE HAPPY,
WE'LL HAVE TO WRAP
HER UP IN WET SHEETS.
- YEAH. SHE'S PUTTING
ON A BRAVE FRONT.
POOR, MISERABLE KID.
- HI, ZELDA, MIND
IF WE JOIN YOU,
KIND OF PERK UP YOUR
SPIRITS A LITTLE BIT?
- NO OFFENSE, DOBIE-DO,
BUT WE'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T.
ZELDA AND I ARE HAVING AN
ABSOLUTELY SMASHING TIME.
- WE'RE DISCUSSING THE
THEORIES OF EINSTEIN.
- OH, SOUNDS LIKE SCREAMS.
- DON'T LAUGH.
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR SOMEBODY I COULD TALK TO
ABOUT EINSTEIN.
YES, AND ALL MY LIFE I'VE
BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
WHO COULD UNDERSTAND EINSTEIN.
- WHAT'S TO UNDERSTAND? E=MC2.
- OH, OF COURSE,
BUT HOW ABOUT THE
SPACE TIME CONTINUUM?
- ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT ME TO CHEER YOU UP?
- IF IT HADN'T BEEN
FOR ARISTOTLE.
- I COULD DO TRICKS MAYBE
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
- YOU PUT IT SO WELL. HAVE YOU
READ NATURES MAN AND UBER MAN?
- OF COURSE, WHO HAS NOT?
BUT THE REAL FUN,
MY LITTLE GISELLE,
IS TO READ NIETZSCHE
ALONG WITH HEGEL.
- WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO
MY IMITATION OF A CHICKEN?
- COME ON, LET'S GO
DOWN TO THE LIBRARY
AND DO IT RIGHT NOW.
- OF COURSE, MY IMPETUOUS ONE.
- ZELDA.
- DOBE, DOBE, I'D LIKE TO HEAR
YOUR IMITATION OF A CHICKEN.
- NEVER MIND.
- THAT DIDN'T SOUND
TOO MUCH LIKE A CHICKEN.
- NAH.
- THAT DID, A SICK ONE.
- OF COURSE, I WANTED
ZELDA TO BE HAPPY
BUT DID SHE HAVE
TO BE THAT HAPPY?
- OH, OH, MARVELOUS.
YOU'RE GOING TO SING.
- YES, AND BEAUTIFULLY
SO BE QUIET.
- OKAY.
♪ OH, LORD JEFFERY AMHERST
WAS A SOLDIER OF THE KING ♪
♪ AND HE CAME FROM
ACROSS THE SEA ♪
♪ TO THE FRENCHMAN
AND THE INDIANS ♪
♪ HE DIDN'T DO A THING ♪
♪ IN THE WILDS OF
THIS WILD COUNTRY ♪
♪ IN THE WILDS OF
THIS WILD COUNTRY ♪
♪ AND FOR HIS ROYAL MAJESTY
HE FOUGHT WITH ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ FOR HE WAS A SOLDIER
LOYAL AND TRUE ♪
- HEY, DOBE? DOBE,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
- SSH. AROUND.
- GEE, I HARDLY EVER SEE
YOU ANYMORE, GOOD BUDDY.
I THOUGHT ONCE YOU GOT
THAT... ZELDA OFF YOUR BACK,
WE COULD HACK
AROUND ALL THE TIME,
BUT I AIN'T SEEN YOU IN DAYS.
- I'VE BEEN BUSY.
- YEAH, TOO BAD 'CAUSE YOU
WANNA KNOW THERE I JUST WAS?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- I WAS DOWNTOWN
WATCHING 'EM KNOCK DOWN
THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
THE CITY GOT THIS
BIG CRANE, SEE?
AND ON THE END,
THERE'S THIS IRON BALL.
THIS GUY WHAMS IT
INTO THE BUILDING.
- SSH.
MAYNARD, ARE YOU THROUGH?
- GOT ONE MORE.
- THAT'S IT?
- THAT IS IT.
- I'M DELIGHTED.
- YOU DON'T LOOK DELIGHTED,
YOU LOOK MISERABLE.
IN FACT, YOU'VE BEEN
LOOKING MISERABLE
EVER SINCE YOU GOT RID OF
ZELDA SO YOU COULD BE HAPPY.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S TRUE.
- YOU AIN'T IN LOVE WITH
THAT SMALL GIRL, ARE YOU?
- NOT A QUESTION OF LOVE.
IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF LOSING
SOMETHING THAT YOU WERE USED TO.
- YEAH. IT'S TOO BAD YOU
FIGURED OUT SUCH A SMART WAY
TO GET RID OF HER.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, YOU USED UP
ALL YOUR SMARTNESS,
AND NOW YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE
OUT A WAY TO GET HER BACK, NEVER.
- WHAT'S THE USE,
KID? YOU'RE RIGHT.
I COULDN'T THINK OF A THING.
NOT ONE SINGLE THING
TO GET ZELDA BACK.
OH, BY THE WAY, DID I
TELL YOU I WANT HER BACK?
WELL, I DO.
IF YOU'RE SURPRISED,
HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT?
BUT IF OUR PROFESSOR
WAS RIGHT ABOUT HEREDITY,
I WAS A GONE GOOSE,
AND OUR PROFESSOR
WAS ALWAYS RIGHT.
SO I'D NEVER GET ZELDA
BACK. BUT WAS HE RIGHT?
COULDN'T THERE BE SOME
CHANCE, SOME TINY LITTLE CHANCE
THAT THIS ONE TIME HE WAS WRONG?
- NOT A CHANCE.
- NOT AN ITSY BITSY...
- NOT A SMIDGEON OF
AN IOTA OF A CHANCE.
MR. GILLIS, IN ALL THE YEARS
I'VE DONE THIS EXPERIMENT,
THE SMART MOUSE ALWAYS
RUNS THE MAZE FASTER.
- ALWAYS?
- ALWAYS.
- THE DUMB ONE NEVER WINS?
- NEVER.
- DON'T SEEM FAIR.
- NOW HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT'S ON ACCOUNT OF HEREDITY?
COULDN'T THERE BE
SOME OTHER REASON?
- MR. GILLIS, I'M NOT
TRYING TO TELL YOU
THAT HEREDITY IS THE
ONLY FACTOR THAT COUNTS.
OF COURSE, THERE ARE OTHERS,
AND THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT TOO.
BUT YOU CAN'T DISCOUNT HEREDITY.
IT'S A FACT THAT BRIGHT PARENTS
PRODUCE BRIGHT OFFSPRING.
- YOU'RE SURE?
- WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN
INTEREST IN WHITE MICE, MR. GILLIS?
- OH, JUST SCIENTIFIC CURIOSITY.
- YEAH. AND BESIDES HE SNOWED
ZELDA INTO GETTING OFF HIS BACK
ON ACCOUNT OF
THIS HEREDITY JAZZ.
AND NOW HE'S GOT
HER OFF HIS BACK,
HE WANTS HER BACK ON HIS BACK.
- BUT TO GET HER BACK,
YOU HAVE TO PROVE
THAT HEREDITY DOESN'T WORK.
FOR INSTANCE, IF IN
CLASS TODAY, I LET THE MICE
RUN THE MAZE
AGAIN, AND THIS TIME,
THE DUMB MOUSE
BEAT THE SMART MOUSE,
THAT WOULD SORT OF KNOCK
MY STATEMENTS ABOUT HEREDITY
INTO A COCKED HAT.
- NOT ONLY THAT, IT WOULD PROVE
THEY WEREN'T TRUE.
- WOULD YOU LET THE MICE
RUN AGAIN TODAY PLEASE, SIR?
MAYBE IT'LL COME OUT
DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
- IT WOULDN'T.
- HOW COME?
- BECAUSE THEY WERE
JUST FED A FEW HOURS AGO
AND NO MOUSE, NO
MATTER HOW BRIGHT,
WILL RUN THE MAZE
UNLESS IT'S HUNGRY.
I MEAN, LOOK HOW
COMPLICATED IT IS
JUST FOR IT TO
GET TO THE CHEESE.
THEY JUST WON'T TAKE THE
TROUBLE UNLESS THEIR BELLIES
ARE GOOD AND EMPTY.
THERE'S NO INCENTIVE.
- OH, ME TOO.
I MEAN, WHEN MY
BELLY'S ALL FULL UP,
I WON'T EVEN GET UP TO
TURN OFF THE TELEVISION.
LAST NIGHT, I
WATCHED TV TILL 2 A.M.,
AND THE SET WASN'T EVEN ON.
- HOW SOON CAN THE
MICE RUN THE MAZE AGAIN?
- TOMORROW PROVIDED
THEY'RE NOT FED BEFORE THEN.
- PROFESSOR, WOULD YOU?
- OH.
ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS, I'LL
LET THEM RUN TOMORROW
IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU.
- NO, IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY CARE.
I MEAN, WHAT HAVE
I GOT AT STAKE,
EXCEPT MY LIFE?
- HEY, DOBE, YOU
WANNA GO DOWNTOWN
AND WATCH THAT GUY FLIP
FLAPJACKS IN THE WINDOW?
HEY, YOU WANNA GO
TO THE STOCKYARD
AND WATCH THEM DIP SHEEP?
WELL, YOU WANNA
SEE MY APPENDIX SCAR?
- OH, HI ZELDA.
- LIKE, HI, SMALL GIRL.
- HELLO, CHAPS.
- GOING ANYWHERE IN PARTICULAR?
- OH, NO.
I JUST PUT ON MY
SATIN BACK CREPE,
MY RHINESTONE EARRINGS
AND MY GLASS SLIPPERS
JUST TO KNOCK AROUND IN.
- OH, DATE WITH CHATSWORTH, HUH?
- GOOD THINKING.
- GOOD EVENING, ZELDA,
MY LITTLE ANTELOPE.
- HI, CHATSY, YOU LOOK DIVINE.
- YES, I DO RATHER, DON'T I?
COME, MY PRETTY,
LET THE REVELS BEGIN.
- WHAT ENCHANTING
DIVERTISSEMENTS
HAVE YOU PLANNED FOR US TONIGHT,
MY CLEVER LITTLE ONE.
- OH, NOTHING SPECIAL.
THE OPERA, THE
THEATER, THE MOVIES,
A 12-COURSE GOURMET
DINNER, LITTLE MINIATURE GOLF,
BOWLING, BATTING CAGE AND
THEN A TRIP TO THE OBSERVATORY.
HALEY'S COMET IS
PARTICULARLY BRILLIANT TONIGHT.
- LET US AWAY.
- YES, LET'S. HASTA
LA VISTA, AMIGOS.
- DOOMED.
- LIKE, DOOMED.
- I'LL NEVER GET HER BACK.
- WELL, YOU ALWAYS
GOT ME, GOOD BUDDY.
- DOOMED.
- LIKE, DOOMED.
- AND AFTER TOMORROW,
I'LL BE TOTALLY
AND COMPLETELY DOOMED.
- WHAT'S TOMORROW?
- DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
TOMORROW'S WHEN THE
PROFESSOR DOES THE EXPERIMENT
WITH THE MICE AGAIN.
AND, OF COURSE,
IT'S GONNA END UP
THE SAME WAY AGAIN.
IF I EVER HAD A CHANCE
OF GETTING ZELDA BACK,
IT'LL BE GONE FOR SURE TOMORROW.
- LIKE, DOOMED.
- I FEEL ROTTEN.
- YEAH, LET'S GET
SOMETHING TO EAT.
- LET'S GET SOMETHING TO
EAT. FIVE INNOCENT WORDS.
LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
BUT WHEN MAYNARD SAID 'EM,
A BELL STARTED
CLANGING IN MY HEAD
AND THEY SUDDENLY
RANKED RIGHT ALONGSIDE.
REMEMBER THE MAIN AND
TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO,
WORDS THAT WILL
GO DOWN IN HISTORY.
LET'S GET SOMETHING
TO EAT REMINDED ME
OF WHAT THE PROFESSOR HAD SAID:
"IF A MOUSE ISN'T HUNGRY,
IT WON'T RUN THE MAZE."
SO IF I SNUCK INTO THE CLASSROOM
AND FED THE BRIGHT MOUSE
PLENTY OF FOOD,
IT'D JUST SIT THERE AND
LET THE DUMB ONE LEAVE IT
AT THE POST.
THEN WHAT WOULD ZELDA
THINK OF THOSE FANCY THEORIES
OF HEREDITY?
CLEVER, HUH?
YUP, LIKE, I TOLD
MAYNARD, THE ANSWER
TO MY PROBLEM
WITH ZELDA IS FOOD.
- OH, GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.
- WE FEED IT TILL
SHE CAN'T MOVE,
THEN WE GRAB HER, PUT
HER IN A WHEELBARROW...
- MAYNARD, LISTEN.
- HIDE HER IN A CAVE, SEE.
- LISTEN, REMEMBER WHAT
THE PROFESSOR SAID TODAY?
- YEAH. THAT EVERY ONE OR TWO
OR THREE DAYS WE GO OUT THERE
WITH A BUNCH OF STUFF
LIKE DONUTS AND SPAGHETTI
AND WE FEED HER AGAIN,
KEEP HER SLUGGISH,
MAN, SHE'LL NEVER GET AWAY.
- MAYNARD. GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.
- NOW, WILL YOU LISTEN?
WELL, MAYNARD
DIDN'T QUITE GET IT,
BUT HE SELDOM DOES.
BUT I HAD THE WHOLE
THING FIGURED OUT.
"A," I WOULD SNEAK INTO
THE CLASSROOM TONIGHT
AND FEED CHEESE TO
THAT BRIGHT MOUSE
UNTIL IT WAS STUFFED,
AND THAT MEANT B,
WHEN THE PROFESSOR PUTS
IT IN THE MAZE TOMORROW,
IT WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE.
SO, C, THE DUMB MOUSE
WILL RUN THE LEGS OFF IT,
WHICH MEANS THAT, D,
THE PROFESSOR'S TALK
ABOUT HEREDITY GETS
KNOCKED INTO A COCKED HAT.
E, ZELDA REALIZES
THAT THOSE THEORIES
DON'T MEAN A DARN THING.
AND F THROUGH Z,
I GET ZELDA BACK.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IT'S A GOOD THING THE RUSSIANS
DON'T HAVE MY BRAIN.
- BF436 BRIGHT FEMALE,
THAT'S THE ONE, MAYNARD.
- HI, LITTLE SQUEAKY BUDDY.
LOOK, THEY PUT YOU
SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT, CHEESE.
- YES, SIR LITTLE
MOUSE, HERE YOU ARE.
EAT HEARTY.
- YEAH, GO ON AND
EAT. IT'S YUMMY.
- SURE IT IS. YOU'LL LOVE
IT. ALL MICE LOVE CHEESE.
ALL MICE LOVE CHEESE.
- HEY, DOB, MAYBE
HE DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S A MOUSE.
- IT'S DELICIOUS. HERE,
I'LL EAT SOME MYSELF.
HE'S NOT EVEN WATCHING, MAYNARD.
PLEASE, MOUSE,
JUST TRY A LITTLE.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
- YEAH, AND IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
CHOCKED FULL OF
VITAMINS AND LIKE THAT.
- PLEASE?
- LOOK, DON'T BE
A RAT YOU MOUSE.
WHAT WAS THAT?
- SOMEBODY'S COMIN'.
- C'MON, THIS WAY. LET'S HIDE.
IN THE BROOM CLOSET.
- GOOD THINKING.
- IT'S ME! IT'S ME!
- DOBE, I'M SCARED.
- SHH.
MAYNARD, DON'T
TALK, DON'T WHISPER,
DON'T EVEN BREATHE.
[GASP]
MAYNARD, I TOLD
YOU NOT TO BREATHE.
- I'M NOT BREATHIN'.
HEY DOBE, THERE'S SOMEBODY
ELSE IN THE CLOSET WITH US.
- RIDICULOUS. THERE
COULDN'T POSSIBLY...
- WHAT'S THAT, GOOD BUDDY?
- YEAH, LITTLE CHIN, LITTLE
NOSE, TWO LITTLE EYES.
- LIKE ZELDA?
- LIKE ZELDA.
- DOBIE?
- SHH.
- COME OUT. COME OUT, PLEASE.
WELL, MY YOUNG
BREAKERS AND ENTERERS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
MS. GILROY?
- WHAT'S DOBIE DOING HERE?
- WHAT'S ZELDA DOING HERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
OBVIOUSLY, WE ALL
HAD THE SAME IDEA.
WHO GOT HERE FIRST?
- ME.
- TO FEED THE MOUSE.
- MM-HMM. THEN I HEARD
SOMEBODY COMING.
- ME.
- AND ME.
- TO FEED THE MOUSE.
- BUT THE MOUSE WOULDN'T EAT.
- WELL, OF COURSE NOT. MS.
GILROY HAD ALREADY FED HER.
- THEN WE HEARD SOMEBODY COMIN'.
- ME TO FEED THE MOUSE,
WHICH, OF COURSE, WOULDN'T EAT.
- PROFESSOR, WHY'D YOU DO THIS?
- SOME PEOPLE THINK OF ME
AS HARD AND COLD AND MEAN.
- YEAH, ME.
- YES, MR. KREBS.
BUT I GUESS UNDERNEATH IT
ALL, I'M JUST A SENTIMENTAL SLOB.
OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT
MUCH OF A SCIENTIST
LOUSING UP AN
EXPERIMENT THIS WAY.
BUT I FIGURE WE CAN
STRETCH SCIENCE A LITTLE BIT
IF IT MEANS KEEPING
YOU TWO TOGETHER
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE
YOU BELONG, TOGETHER.
- OH, WE DO. WE DO.
- SMALL GIRL, I DON'T DIG.
I MEAN, WHAT DO
YOU WANT WITH DOBIE?
I THOUGHT YOU AND CHATSY
WERE HAVING SUCH A BLAST.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT LOVE.
- TRUE, SMALL GIRL.
- SURE, I WAS HAVING
FUN WITH CHATSWORTH,
AT FIRST ANYHOW.
BUT EVERY TIME I LOOKED AT
YOU AND SAW THOSE PATHETIC,
HELPLESS EYES LOOKING
AT ME LIKE A SICK SPANIEL,
I KNEW I COULD NEVER BE
HAPPY WITH ANYONE ELSE.
I MEAN, IF YOU'RE SILLY
ENOUGH TO GET STUCK
FOR A 10-THUMB IDIOT
LIKE YOU, POOPSIE,
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA.
- NO, THEN THERE'S NO CHANCE
OF EVER GETTING UNSTUCK.
- THANK YOU, ZELDA.
THAT'S JUST THE
WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU.
YOU'RE A MESS,
BUT YOU'RE MY MESS.
- THANK YOU, DOBIE.
- YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE KIDS THAT END UP
WITH DOBIE'S TINY BRAIN?
- OH, HEREDITY ISN'T
ALL THAT FOOLPROOF.
THE KIDS COULD TURN OUT
TO BE GENIUSES. WHO KNOWS?
- AND WHAT IF THEY AREN'T?
I'LL BE THERE TO PROTECT THEM.
IF I CAN TAKE CARE
OF ONE DIMWIT,
I GUESS I CAN HANDLE A FEW MORE.
- YEAH, I'M GETTING
PRETTY MISTY.
- ME TOO.
- ME TOO. ANYBODY
GOT ANY CHEESE LEFT?
- OH MUMSY, WILL YOU LISTEN?
- I CERTAINLY WILL NOT.
I TOLD YOU VERY
DISTINCTLY TO GET RID
OF THIS DISSIPATED CREATURE
AND START GOING AROUND
WITH THIS BEADY-EYED
LITTLE GIRL.
- MUMSY, THAT'S WHAT
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.
ZELDA WON'T HAVE ME.
- OH, SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT.
- NOTHING PERSONAL,
MRS. OSBORNE.
IT'S JUST THAT DOBIE NEEDS ME.
- WELL, HE CERTAINLY
NEEDS SOMETHING.
- IN VIEW OF THE
CIRCUMSTANCES, MRS. OSBORNE,
ZELDA AND I FEEL THAT SHE
SHOULD RETURN THE GIFTS
THAT CHATSWORTH GAVE HER.
- YES, I BROUGHT THEM
BACK. OKAY, MAYNARD.
[JAZZ MUSIC]
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
YOU'RE IN A CLASSROOM.
- SO WHAT? I LOVE
YOU IN A CLASSROOM.
I LOVE YOU ANYWHERE.
I LOVE YOU INDOORS, OUTDOORS,
UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS,
BACKWARDS, FORWARDS, I LOVE YOU.
- ZELDA.
- HOW COME?
- HOW COME WHAT?
- HOW COME YOU LOVE
HIM? HE DON'T LOVE YOU.
- HE WILL. I'LL GET HIM YET.
- SO WHAT DO YOU
HAVE WHEN YOU GET HIM?
HE'S KIND OF PUNY,
HE AIN'T TOO BRIGHT,
AND HE'LL BE BALD
BEFORE HE'S 30.
- THANKS A LOT.
- DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, MAYNARD?
THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I LOVE HIM.
I MEAN, HE'S WEAK AND
BEWILDERED AND HELPLESS.
HE NEEDS ME TO GUIDE
HIS FALTERING FEET.
- ZELDA, PLEASE, WON'T
YOU GET OFF MY BACK?
- NEVER, POOPSIE.
I'M GOING TO STRAIGHTEN
YOU OUT, AND WE'LL BE MARRIED
AND LIVE IN A SPLIT-LEVEL
HOUSE WITH A BIG GREEN LAWN
AND RHODODENDRON BUSHES,
AND WE'LL HAVE
THREE LITTLE CHILDREN,
TWO BOYS AND A GIRL.
- AND I SHALL SEND EACH
OF THEM A SILVER SPOON
FOR HIS CHRISTENING.
BUT RIGHT NOW, I SHOULD
LIKE TO BEGIN THE CLASS
PROVIDED, OF COURSE,
YOU HAVE NO OBJECTION?
- I DO. I GOT, LIKE,
LOTS OF OBJECTIONS.
- YES, KREBS, I'M SURE
YOU DO, BUT LET'S PRESS ON.
ARNOLD, PREPARE THE MICE.
NOW, RIGHT HERE, MY
YOUNG BARBARIANS, IS A MAZE.
PLEASE GATHER AROUND.
AND DOWN INTO THE MAZE,
THERE'S A LITTLE BOX OF CHEESE.
RIGHT HERE, I'M GOING TO HAVE
ARNOLD PUT ONE OF THE MICE.
THIS IS BF436, BF
FOR BRIGHT FEMALE.
SEE HOW WELL SHE RUNS
WITHOUT PAUSES, WITHOUT ERRORS.
THIS BRIGHT LITTLE CREATURE
MAKES HER WAY RIGHT
TO THE CHEESE.
VERY FINE, MY LITTLE
BEAUTY, VERY INTELLIGENT.
NOW, HERE WE HAVE
ANOTHER WHITE MOUSE,
BUT THIS, YOU MIGHT SAY, IS A
MOUSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR.
NOW, THIS ONE IS DM108.
SEE HOW HE HESITATES,
HOW HE FUMBLES,
RETRACES HIS STEPS.
NOW, YOU KNOW
WHY WE CALL HIM DM,
FOR DULL MALE.
NOW, CLASS, WHAT DOES
THIS EXPERIMENT PROVE?
- THAT MICE LIKE CHEESE.
- BRILLIANT. OH, MR. GILLIS.
- IT PROVES SOME MICE ARE
DUMBER THAN OTHERS, BUT WHY?
- NOW, THAT IS THE
QUESTION, WHY?
AND THE ANSWER IS HEREDITY.
YOU SEE, ONE MOUSE HAS
BEEN BRED FOR INTELLIGENCE,
THE OTHER ONE FOR STUPIDITY.
WE'VE CONTROLLED
THESE LABORATORY ANIMALS
FOR GENERATIONS
THROUGH SELECTIVE MATING.
- OOH, WHAT HE SAID.
- YOU MEAN, FOR ONE
MOUSE YOU PICKED
A BRIGHT MOTHER AND FATHER,
AND FOR THE OTHER ONE YOU
PICKED A DUMB MOTHER AND FATHER?
- NOW, WE WENT
FURTHER BACK THAN THAT.
WE PICKED THEIR GRANDPARENTS
AS WELL AS THEIR
GREAT GRANDPARENTS,
AND YOU CAN SEE THE RESULTS.
IT WORKS THE SAME
WITH ANY OTHER SPECIES.
NOT ONLY MICE.
- YES, IT WORKS
PARTICULARLY WELL ON PEOPLE.
FOR EXAMPLE, IN
THE OSBORNE FAMILY,
FOUR GENERATIONS,
WE HAVE BEEN PICKING
OUR ANCESTORS
VERY, VERY CAREFULLY.
WELL, JUST LOOK AT ME.
- YEAH, I THINK SOMEBODY GOOFED.
- HUSH UP, YOU LOW-BORN PERSON.
- WELL, THAT'S WHY DUMB
DOGS HAVE DUMB PUPS
AND DUMB CATS HAVE DUMB KITTENS
AND DUMB PARENTS
HAVE DUMB CHILDREN.
IT'S CALLED THE HEREDITY FACTOR.
WELL, WHAT'S THE
MATTER, MR. GILLIS?
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU
LOOKING LIKE THAT BEFORE.
- I JUST GOT A BRILLIANT IDEA.
- NO WONDER I'VE NEVER SEEN
YOU LOOKING LIKE THAT BEFORE.
[JAZZ THEME]
I NEVER THOUGHT THIS
DAY WOULD COME, NEVER.
FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET ZELDA OFF MY BACK.
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING I KNEW,
BUT WHAT CHANCE DID I HAVE?
I MEAN, ZELDA'S ALL BRAIN,
AND ME, WELL, LET'S FACE IT.
I'M CHARMING, LOVEABLE,
CLEAN-CUT, WINSOME,
LOYAL, DEVOTED, TRUE.
BUT SMART? MM.
SMART, I'VE NEVER
BEEN, UNTIL NOW.
THIS TIME I'M A
CINCH TO OUTWIT HER,
A CINCH TO OUTFOX
HER, TO OUTCLEVER,
TO DAZZLE HER WITH MY FOOTWORK.
BOY, WILL I DAZZLE HER.
MAYNARD, MAYNARD, OLD
FRIEND, THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY,
AN HISTORIC DAY.
- DON'T TELL ME. LET ME
GUESS. LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE.
IT'S NOT THE FOURTH OF
JULY 'CAUSE THAT'S IN AUGUST.
IT'S NOT COLUMBUS DAY
'CAUSE THAT'S IN 1492.
AND IT'S NOT LINCOLN'S BIRTHDAY
'CAUSE THAT'S ON
WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY.
I GIVE UP.
- TODAY'S THE
DAY THAT I FINALLY,
WITH MY OWN HEAD,
FIGURED OUT A WAY TO
GET ZELDA OFF OF MY BACK,
TRULY AND COMPLETELY OFF
MY BACK NOW AND FOREVER.
- YOU'RE JOSHING?
- YOU SURE ARE, POOPSIE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
RIDICULOUS SCHEME
YOUR PUNY LITTLE
MIND HAS COME UP WITH
THIS TIME, DOBIE, BUT YOU
MIGHT AS WELL FORGET IT.
YOU'LL NEVER RID OF ME
BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU THINK OF,
I'LL ALWAYS THINK OF
SOMETHING BETTER.
- OH, I KNOW, ZELDA, I KNOW.
- BECAUSE I HAVE A
MIND LIKE EINSTEIN,
MADAME CURIE AND...
ALL ROLLED INTO ONE.
AND YOU ON THE OTHER HAND...
- AM SLOW, DULL, DIM,
THICK AND FOOLISH.
- YOU FORGOT STUPID.
- YEAH. AND STUPID.
- TRUE. SO WHY DON'T YOU
SPARE YOURSELF, DOBIE,
AND COME TO ZELDA,
WHO WILL ALWAYS LOVE
AND CHERISH YOU AND PROTECT
YOU FROM THE CRUEL WORLD?
- HMM. ZELDA, I'D
LIKE NOTHING BETTER.
I MEAN, LIFE WOULD BE SO
SIMPLE WITH A GENIUS LIKE YOU
TAKING CARE OF A DOPE LIKE ME.
BUT, ZELDA, WE JUST CAN'T DO IT.
- YOU ABOUT TO
SPRING THE TRAP, DOBE?
- IN A MINUTE.
- YEAH.
- WELL, SPRING IT AND
LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.
I'D LIKE TO MEASURE
YOU FOR A NEW SWEATER.
- HMM. ZELDA, MY DEAR.
- HEY, ZELDA, I REALLY THINK
HE'S GOT SOMETHING THIS TIME.
- PISH-POSH.
YES, DOBIE, MY
BELOVED NUMBSKULL.
- OH, I AM A NUMBSKULL.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
I AM, A NUMBSKULL,
AND YOU'VE GOT A
MIND LIKE A COMPUTER.
- WELL, THAT WAS ESTABLISHED
BACK IN KINDERGARTEN.
NOW, LET'S GET ON
WITH YOUR SCHEME.
- I'M ROOTING FOR YOU, DOBE.
- YEAH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
ZELDA, MY DEAR, YOU HAVE, I
UNDERSTAND, A PLAN FOR ME.
- YOU KNOW IT, BUSTER.
- UH-HUH.
- WE WILL BE MARRIED AND
LIVE IN A SPLIT-LEVEL HOUSE
WITH A BIG GREEN LAWN
AND RHODODENDRON BUSHES,
AND WE'LL HAVE
THREE LITTLE CHILDREN,
TWO BOYS AND A GIRL.
- AHA.
- AH, NOW, YOU'RE GONNA
SPRING THE TRAP, HUH, DOBE?
- RIGHT NOW.
- SPRING ALREADY.
- ZELDA, DO YOU REMEMBER
WHAT THE PROFESSOR SAID
WHEN HE WAS DOING THAT
EXPERIMENT YESTERDAY
WITH THE WHITE MICE, ALL
THAT STUFF ABOUT HEREDITY,
DUMB DOGS HAVE DUMB PUPS
AND DUMB CATS HAVE DUMB KITTENS
AND DUMB PEOPLE
HAVE DUMB CHILDREN?
- BUT I'M NOT DUMB.
- BUT I AM.
ZELDA, HOW CAN YOU
DO SUCH A ROTTEN THING
TO YOUR CHILDREN, GIVING
THEM MY DUMB BRAIN?
- BUT THEY'LL BE
INHERITING MY BRAIN TOO.
- MAYBE, IT'S A 50-50 CHANCE,
BUT HOW CAN YOU RISK IT, ZELDA?
HOW CAN YOU GAMBLE WITH
YOUR CHILDREN'S MINDS?
- HMM.
- OH, NO, ZELDA, YOU'VE
GOT TO GIVE ME UP
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME GO.
- BUT, DOBIE, I LOVE YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BURDEN
THOSE POOR, LITTLE
INNOCENT BABIES
WITH MY DUMB OLD MIND.
YOU'RE GONNA FIND A MATE
JUST AS INTELLIGENT AS YOURSELF.
- DOBIE, YOU'VE DONE IT.
YOU'VE OUTSMARTED ME.
- EUROPA.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S EUREKA.
COME, ZELDA.
- WHERE?
- TO START OUR SEARCH
FOR AN INTELLIGENT MATE,
A MAN WITH A BRAIN SO
LARGE, SO ACTIVE, SO DYNAMIC
THAT HE'LL BE A WORTHY
FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.
AND OF ALL THE GUYS ON CAMPUS,
IT'S OBVIOUS THAT THE SMARTEST,
THE SHARPEST, THE WISEST,
THE DEEPEST, THE QUICKEST,
THE BRIGHTEST CAN ONLY BE...
- SURELY, YOU
JEST, GILLIS, BABY.
- BUT, CHATSWORTH, YOU
HAVEN'T THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
REMEMBER, YOU'RE AN ARISTOCRAT,
A THOROUGHBRED, AN INTELLECTUAL.
- A RAT.
- MAYNARD.
- DOBIE, JUST GIVE IT UP.
CHATSWORTH DOESN'T WANT ME.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA
CHICKIE, BUT TRUE.
YOU, NO DOUBT HAVE
MANY FINE QUALITIES.
- YOU BET SHE HAS
MANY FINE QUALITIES:
BRAIN POWER, INTELLECT, CUNNING,
A MIND TO MATCH YOUR OWN.
CHATSWORTH, WHEN YOU'VE GOT
A THOROUGHBRED RACEHORSE,
YOU LOOK FOR ANOTHER
THOROUGHBRED.
YOU DON'T GO
LOOKING FOR SOME NAG
THAT'S PULLING A MILK WAGON.
- ROCHELLE IS SCARCELY A
NAG THAT PULLS A MILK WAGON,
ARE YOU, MON CHERI?
- SCARCELY.
- ALL RIGHT, SO
SHE'S A BLUE BLOOD,
BUT SHE'S AWFUL DUMB.
- I'LL TELL YOU HOW DUMB SHE IS.
SHE WAS COPYING MY
TEST PAPER THE OTHER DAY.
DOBIE, IT IS WELL KNOWN
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO FOIST ZELDA OFF
ON SOMEONE FOR YEARS,
AND I DO WISH YOU LUCK
IN THIS WORTHY PURSUIT.
BUT ME, DOBIE-DO, NO, DOBIE-DO.
COME ROCHELLE,
MY LITTLE MUSKRAT,
LET'S GO FOR A SPIN
IN MY MADLY EXPENSIVE
HANDMADE SPORTS CAR.
- DOBIE, I GUESS WE'RE SKUNKED.
LET'S GO LOOK FOR
THE SECOND BEST IQ.
- OH, NO, SIR, THERE'LL BE
NO SECOND BEST FOR YOU.
ONLY THE TOP IS GOOD
ENOUGH FOR MY ZELDA.
- DOBIE, I LOVE YOU.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL,
EXCEPT FOR YOUR BRAIN.
- THE ONLY TROUBLE IS,
HOW ARE WE GONNA GET
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JR.?
- DOBIE, IF YOU'LL FORGIVE
ME, THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM
WHICH REQUIRES A BIG MIND.
NOW, YOU'VE TAKEN ME
ABOUT AS FAR AS YOU CAN
WITH YOUR LIMITED
MENTAL EQUIPMENT,
AND I'M VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU.
BUT FROM HERE
ON, I'M TAKING OVER.
I MEAN, WELL, YOU DON'T
SEND A BOY TO DO A MAN'S JOB.
- HEY, COOL, YOU'RE
GONNA PUT THAT ROTTEN,
CONNIVING BRAIN OF
YOURS TO WORK, HUH, ZEL?
- YOU BET.
- IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY.
CHATSWORTH IS A TOUGH
GUY TO MOVE, EVEN FOR YOU.
- TRUE, BUT THERE IS
ONE POWER IN THE WORLD
THAT CAN MOVE
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE JR.,
ONE POWER.
- PREPOSTEROUS.
- MRS. OSBORNE, YOU HAVEN'T
EVEN THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
- THERE IS NOTHING
TO THINK ABOUT.
CHATSWORTH IS AN ARISTOCRAT
AND YOU ARE A COMMONER.
- OH, ME, TOO, I'M MORE
COMMONER THAN ANYBODY.
- THAT'S EXACTLY THE
POINT, MRS. OSBORNE.
YOU GOT TO THINK
OF THE OSBORNE LINE.
LOOK AT HIM, THE
END OF THE LINE.
- OH, REALLY,
MUMSY, THIS IS TOO...
- OH, NASTY.
- NOW, TAKE ME ON THE
OTHER HAND, I'M SMART.
- SHE'S BEEN VALEDICTORIAN
EVER SINCE KINDERGARTEN.
- AND I'M STRONG.
- WANNA HIT HER IN THE STOMACH?
- AND I'M HEALTHY.
- SHOW HER YOUR TEETH, ZELDA.
- LOOK.
- YEAH, ONCE IN A CARNIVAL,
I SAW HER BITE CLEAN
THROUGH A 2-BY-4.
- I'M A HARD WORKER.
I SPEND PRACTICALLY NO MONEY,
AND MY DIGESTION IS PERFECT.
- ALSO, HER APPENDIX IS OUT.
- CHILD, I AM, OF
COURSE, VERY IMPRESSED
BY YOUR MANIFOLD ASSETS,
BUT THINK OF THE DIFFERENCE
IN OUR SOCIAL STANDINGS.
- YOU THINK OF THE
DIFFERENCE, MRS. OSBORNE.
ARE YOU FORGETTING WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE ROYAL FAMILIES
IN EUROPE IN THE OLDEN DAYS?
THEY DIDN'T MARRY ANY
COMMONERS AND THEIR BLOOD KEPT
GETTING THINNER AND THINNER
UNTIL FINALLY THE FAMILIES
JUST DISAPPEARED.
LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE BOURBONS.
- THEY ALL GOT DRUNK.
- LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE HAPSBURGS, THE TUDORS,
THE STUARTS. WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
ARE YOU GOING TO
LET THE OSBORNE LINE
JUST DWINDLE AWAY LIKE THAT?
- NO, BY THUNDER I AM NOT.
- MUMSY, WHATEVER
ARE YOU THINKING OF?
ROCHELLE AND I HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING.
- WELL GOLLY WHISKERS,
MRS. OSBORNE.
- OUT OF HERE, YOU PUNY GIRL.
TAKE YOUR FLIMSY
ARISTOCRATIC BONES OUT OF HERE,
BE GONE!
- MUMSY!
- OH, CHATSWORTH, DON'T
EVER SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT
WITHOUT WARNING ME.
- MUMSY, I WILL NOT BE
TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF CHATTEL.
- YOU WILL DO EXACTLY
AS YOUR MOTHER
WHO LOVES YOU COMMANDS.
I HAVEN'T MANY MORE YEARS LEFT.
NOT MORE THAN 40 OR 50 PERHAPS.
BUT BEFORE I GO, I WANT
TO SEE THIS OSBORNE HOUSE
FULL OF STURDY,
YOUNG LITTLE OSBORNES.
- YAY, MRS. O.
- OH, YOU'LL NEVER
REGRET THIS, MRS. OSBORNE.
- I CERTAINLY WILL NOT.
YOU KNOW, I LIKE
THIS LITTLE GIRL,
PEASANT THOUGH SHE MAY BE.
I LIKE THE INTELLIGENCE SHINING
IN THOSE BEADY LITTLE EYES.
I LIKE THAT TINY,
SCHEMING LITTLE BROW
AND THAT STUBBORN
BUTTON LITTLE CHIN.
GIVE ME GRANDSONS.
DO YOU HEAR ME, GIRL?
GIVE ME LOTS OF GRANDSONS.
I WANT STURDY, RUTHLESS,
UNPRINCIPLED, NASTY LITTLE BOYS
TO CARRY ON THE
OSBORNE TRADITION.
- MUMSY, I WON'T DO IT.
I SHALL HOLD MY
BREATH UNTIL I DIE.
- YOU ARE LOOKING AT
DOBIE GILLIS, FREE MAN.
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY WHOLE LIFE,
ZELDA'S OFF MY BACK,
ACTUALLY, HONESTLY OFF MY BACK.
BOY, WHAT A GLORIOUS FEELING.
AND, OF COURSE, I'M
NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY
ABOUT WHAT I DID TO ZELDA.
WITHOUT ME, SHE'S A CINCH TO
TURN INTO A POOR, MISERABLE,
UNHAPPY CREATURE.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE SO DARLING.
- YES, I AM RATHER, AREN'T I?
- AND TO THINK I HAD
DOUBTS ABOUT YOU AND I.
- WELL, I, TOO, MY LITTLE
OTTER, WAS QUITE OUT OF SORTS
AT THE BEGINNING,
BUT NOW THAT I'VE COME TO
KNOW YOU, MWAH... MOI QUELLE JOIE.
- AND MWAH MOI
QUELLE JOIE TO YOU TOO.
- AND TO THINK OF ALL THE
TIME I WASTED ON THOSE
WELL-BORN LITTLE
FLIBBERTIGIBBETS.
- WHAT ARE YOU
COMPLAINING ABOUT?
I HAD DOBIE.
- DOBE, I'M GONNA GET ME ONE
OF THOSE GOOFBALL SPECIALS,
ONE SCOOP OF VANILLA, ONE
SCOOP OF STRAWBERRY SHERBET,
ONE SCOOP OF DICED LEG OF
LAMB. WANT I SHOULD I GET YOU ONE?
- JUST A MINUTE. I SEE
ZELDA OVER THERE.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO GO
OVER AND CHEER HER UP.
- HIS BROTHER CAME
WITH A PINEAPPLE.
- OH, I DON'T KNOW, DOBE,
LOOKS LIKE IF SHE
GETS ANY MORE HAPPY,
WE'LL HAVE TO WRAP
HER UP IN WET SHEETS.
- YEAH. SHE'S PUTTING
ON A BRAVE FRONT.
POOR, MISERABLE KID.
- HI, ZELDA, MIND
IF WE JOIN YOU,
KIND OF PERK UP YOUR
SPIRITS A LITTLE BIT?
- NO OFFENSE, DOBIE-DO,
BUT WE'D RATHER YOU DIDN'T.
ZELDA AND I ARE HAVING AN
ABSOLUTELY SMASHING TIME.
- WE'RE DISCUSSING THE
THEORIES OF EINSTEIN.
- OH, SOUNDS LIKE SCREAMS.
- DON'T LAUGH.
ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR SOMEBODY I COULD TALK TO
ABOUT EINSTEIN.
YES, AND ALL MY LIFE I'VE
BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY
WHO COULD UNDERSTAND EINSTEIN.
- WHAT'S TO UNDERSTAND? E=MC2.
- OH, OF COURSE,
BUT HOW ABOUT THE
SPACE TIME CONTINUUM?
- ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT ME TO CHEER YOU UP?
- IF IT HADN'T BEEN
FOR ARISTOTLE.
- I COULD DO TRICKS MAYBE
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
- YOU PUT IT SO WELL. HAVE YOU
READ NATURES MAN AND UBER MAN?
- OF COURSE, WHO HAS NOT?
BUT THE REAL FUN,
MY LITTLE GISELLE,
IS TO READ NIETZSCHE
ALONG WITH HEGEL.
- WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO
MY IMITATION OF A CHICKEN?
- COME ON, LET'S GO
DOWN TO THE LIBRARY
AND DO IT RIGHT NOW.
- OF COURSE, MY IMPETUOUS ONE.
- ZELDA.
- DOBE, DOBE, I'D LIKE TO HEAR
YOUR IMITATION OF A CHICKEN.
- NEVER MIND.
- THAT DIDN'T SOUND
TOO MUCH LIKE A CHICKEN.
- NAH.
- THAT DID, A SICK ONE.
- OF COURSE, I WANTED
ZELDA TO BE HAPPY
BUT DID SHE HAVE
TO BE THAT HAPPY?
- OH, OH, MARVELOUS.
YOU'RE GOING TO SING.
- YES, AND BEAUTIFULLY
SO BE QUIET.
- OKAY.
♪ OH, LORD JEFFERY AMHERST
WAS A SOLDIER OF THE KING ♪
♪ AND HE CAME FROM
ACROSS THE SEA ♪
♪ TO THE FRENCHMAN
AND THE INDIANS ♪
♪ HE DIDN'T DO A THING ♪
♪ IN THE WILDS OF
THIS WILD COUNTRY ♪
♪ IN THE WILDS OF
THIS WILD COUNTRY ♪
♪ AND FOR HIS ROYAL MAJESTY
HE FOUGHT WITH ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ FOR HE WAS A SOLDIER
LOYAL AND TRUE ♪
- HEY, DOBE? DOBE,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
- SSH. AROUND.
- GEE, I HARDLY EVER SEE
YOU ANYMORE, GOOD BUDDY.
I THOUGHT ONCE YOU GOT
THAT... ZELDA OFF YOUR BACK,
WE COULD HACK
AROUND ALL THE TIME,
BUT I AIN'T SEEN YOU IN DAYS.
- I'VE BEEN BUSY.
- YEAH, TOO BAD 'CAUSE YOU
WANNA KNOW THERE I JUST WAS?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- I WAS DOWNTOWN
WATCHING 'EM KNOCK DOWN
THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
THE CITY GOT THIS
BIG CRANE, SEE?
AND ON THE END,
THERE'S THIS IRON BALL.
THIS GUY WHAMS IT
INTO THE BUILDING.
- SSH.
MAYNARD, ARE YOU THROUGH?
- GOT ONE MORE.
- THAT'S IT?
- THAT IS IT.
- I'M DELIGHTED.
- YOU DON'T LOOK DELIGHTED,
YOU LOOK MISERABLE.
IN FACT, YOU'VE BEEN
LOOKING MISERABLE
EVER SINCE YOU GOT RID OF
ZELDA SO YOU COULD BE HAPPY.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S TRUE.
- YOU AIN'T IN LOVE WITH
THAT SMALL GIRL, ARE YOU?
- NOT A QUESTION OF LOVE.
IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF LOSING
SOMETHING THAT YOU WERE USED TO.
- YEAH. IT'S TOO BAD YOU
FIGURED OUT SUCH A SMART WAY
TO GET RID OF HER.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, YOU USED UP
ALL YOUR SMARTNESS,
AND NOW YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE
OUT A WAY TO GET HER BACK, NEVER.
- WHAT'S THE USE,
KID? YOU'RE RIGHT.
I COULDN'T THINK OF A THING.
NOT ONE SINGLE THING
TO GET ZELDA BACK.
OH, BY THE WAY, DID I
TELL YOU I WANT HER BACK?
WELL, I DO.
IF YOU'RE SURPRISED,
HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT?
BUT IF OUR PROFESSOR
WAS RIGHT ABOUT HEREDITY,
I WAS A GONE GOOSE,
AND OUR PROFESSOR
WAS ALWAYS RIGHT.
SO I'D NEVER GET ZELDA
BACK. BUT WAS HE RIGHT?
COULDN'T THERE BE SOME
CHANCE, SOME TINY LITTLE CHANCE
THAT THIS ONE TIME HE WAS WRONG?
- NOT A CHANCE.
- NOT AN ITSY BITSY...
- NOT A SMIDGEON OF
AN IOTA OF A CHANCE.
MR. GILLIS, IN ALL THE YEARS
I'VE DONE THIS EXPERIMENT,
THE SMART MOUSE ALWAYS
RUNS THE MAZE FASTER.
- ALWAYS?
- ALWAYS.
- THE DUMB ONE NEVER WINS?
- NEVER.
- DON'T SEEM FAIR.
- NOW HOW DO YOU KNOW
THAT'S ON ACCOUNT OF HEREDITY?
COULDN'T THERE BE
SOME OTHER REASON?
- MR. GILLIS, I'M NOT
TRYING TO TELL YOU
THAT HEREDITY IS THE
ONLY FACTOR THAT COUNTS.
OF COURSE, THERE ARE OTHERS,
AND THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT TOO.
BUT YOU CAN'T DISCOUNT HEREDITY.
IT'S A FACT THAT BRIGHT PARENTS
PRODUCE BRIGHT OFFSPRING.
- YOU'RE SURE?
- WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN
INTEREST IN WHITE MICE, MR. GILLIS?
- OH, JUST SCIENTIFIC CURIOSITY.
- YEAH. AND BESIDES HE SNOWED
ZELDA INTO GETTING OFF HIS BACK
ON ACCOUNT OF
THIS HEREDITY JAZZ.
AND NOW HE'S GOT
HER OFF HIS BACK,
HE WANTS HER BACK ON HIS BACK.
- BUT TO GET HER BACK,
YOU HAVE TO PROVE
THAT HEREDITY DOESN'T WORK.
FOR INSTANCE, IF IN
CLASS TODAY, I LET THE MICE
RUN THE MAZE
AGAIN, AND THIS TIME,
THE DUMB MOUSE
BEAT THE SMART MOUSE,
THAT WOULD SORT OF KNOCK
MY STATEMENTS ABOUT HEREDITY
INTO A COCKED HAT.
- NOT ONLY THAT, IT WOULD PROVE
THEY WEREN'T TRUE.
- WOULD YOU LET THE MICE
RUN AGAIN TODAY PLEASE, SIR?
MAYBE IT'LL COME OUT
DIFFERENT THIS TIME.
- IT WOULDN'T.
- HOW COME?
- BECAUSE THEY WERE
JUST FED A FEW HOURS AGO
AND NO MOUSE, NO
MATTER HOW BRIGHT,
WILL RUN THE MAZE
UNLESS IT'S HUNGRY.
I MEAN, LOOK HOW
COMPLICATED IT IS
JUST FOR IT TO
GET TO THE CHEESE.
THEY JUST WON'T TAKE THE
TROUBLE UNLESS THEIR BELLIES
ARE GOOD AND EMPTY.
THERE'S NO INCENTIVE.
- OH, ME TOO.
I MEAN, WHEN MY
BELLY'S ALL FULL UP,
I WON'T EVEN GET UP TO
TURN OFF THE TELEVISION.
LAST NIGHT, I
WATCHED TV TILL 2 A.M.,
AND THE SET WASN'T EVEN ON.
- HOW SOON CAN THE
MICE RUN THE MAZE AGAIN?
- TOMORROW PROVIDED
THEY'RE NOT FED BEFORE THEN.
- PROFESSOR, WOULD YOU?
- OH.
ALL RIGHT, MR. GILLIS, I'LL
LET THEM RUN TOMORROW
IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU.
- NO, IT'S NOT THAT IMPORTANT.
I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY CARE.
I MEAN, WHAT HAVE
I GOT AT STAKE,
EXCEPT MY LIFE?
- HEY, DOBE, YOU
WANNA GO DOWNTOWN
AND WATCH THAT GUY FLIP
FLAPJACKS IN THE WINDOW?
HEY, YOU WANNA GO
TO THE STOCKYARD
AND WATCH THEM DIP SHEEP?
WELL, YOU WANNA
SEE MY APPENDIX SCAR?
- OH, HI ZELDA.
- LIKE, HI, SMALL GIRL.
- HELLO, CHAPS.
- GOING ANYWHERE IN PARTICULAR?
- OH, NO.
I JUST PUT ON MY
SATIN BACK CREPE,
MY RHINESTONE EARRINGS
AND MY GLASS SLIPPERS
JUST TO KNOCK AROUND IN.
- OH, DATE WITH CHATSWORTH, HUH?
- GOOD THINKING.
- GOOD EVENING, ZELDA,
MY LITTLE ANTELOPE.
- HI, CHATSY, YOU LOOK DIVINE.
- YES, I DO RATHER, DON'T I?
COME, MY PRETTY,
LET THE REVELS BEGIN.
- WHAT ENCHANTING
DIVERTISSEMENTS
HAVE YOU PLANNED FOR US TONIGHT,
MY CLEVER LITTLE ONE.
- OH, NOTHING SPECIAL.
THE OPERA, THE
THEATER, THE MOVIES,
A 12-COURSE GOURMET
DINNER, LITTLE MINIATURE GOLF,
BOWLING, BATTING CAGE AND
THEN A TRIP TO THE OBSERVATORY.
HALEY'S COMET IS
PARTICULARLY BRILLIANT TONIGHT.
- LET US AWAY.
- YES, LET'S. HASTA
LA VISTA, AMIGOS.
- DOOMED.
- LIKE, DOOMED.
- I'LL NEVER GET HER BACK.
- WELL, YOU ALWAYS
GOT ME, GOOD BUDDY.
- DOOMED.
- LIKE, DOOMED.
- AND AFTER TOMORROW,
I'LL BE TOTALLY
AND COMPLETELY DOOMED.
- WHAT'S TOMORROW?
- DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
TOMORROW'S WHEN THE
PROFESSOR DOES THE EXPERIMENT
WITH THE MICE AGAIN.
AND, OF COURSE,
IT'S GONNA END UP
THE SAME WAY AGAIN.
IF I EVER HAD A CHANCE
OF GETTING ZELDA BACK,
IT'LL BE GONE FOR SURE TOMORROW.
- LIKE, DOOMED.
- I FEEL ROTTEN.
- YEAH, LET'S GET
SOMETHING TO EAT.
- LET'S GET SOMETHING TO
EAT. FIVE INNOCENT WORDS.
LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
BUT WHEN MAYNARD SAID 'EM,
A BELL STARTED
CLANGING IN MY HEAD
AND THEY SUDDENLY
RANKED RIGHT ALONGSIDE.
REMEMBER THE MAIN AND
TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO,
WORDS THAT WILL
GO DOWN IN HISTORY.
LET'S GET SOMETHING
TO EAT REMINDED ME
OF WHAT THE PROFESSOR HAD SAID:
"IF A MOUSE ISN'T HUNGRY,
IT WON'T RUN THE MAZE."
SO IF I SNUCK INTO THE CLASSROOM
AND FED THE BRIGHT MOUSE
PLENTY OF FOOD,
IT'D JUST SIT THERE AND
LET THE DUMB ONE LEAVE IT
AT THE POST.
THEN WHAT WOULD ZELDA
THINK OF THOSE FANCY THEORIES
OF HEREDITY?
CLEVER, HUH?
YUP, LIKE, I TOLD
MAYNARD, THE ANSWER
TO MY PROBLEM
WITH ZELDA IS FOOD.
- OH, GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.
- WE FEED IT TILL
SHE CAN'T MOVE,
THEN WE GRAB HER, PUT
HER IN A WHEELBARROW...
- MAYNARD, LISTEN.
- HIDE HER IN A CAVE, SEE.
- LISTEN, REMEMBER WHAT
THE PROFESSOR SAID TODAY?
- YEAH. THAT EVERY ONE OR TWO
OR THREE DAYS WE GO OUT THERE
WITH A BUNCH OF STUFF
LIKE DONUTS AND SPAGHETTI
AND WE FEED HER AGAIN,
KEEP HER SLUGGISH,
MAN, SHE'LL NEVER GET AWAY.
- MAYNARD. GOOD THINKING.
- YEAH.
- NOW, WILL YOU LISTEN?
WELL, MAYNARD
DIDN'T QUITE GET IT,
BUT HE SELDOM DOES.
BUT I HAD THE WHOLE
THING FIGURED OUT.
"A," I WOULD SNEAK INTO
THE CLASSROOM TONIGHT
AND FEED CHEESE TO
THAT BRIGHT MOUSE
UNTIL IT WAS STUFFED,
AND THAT MEANT B,
WHEN THE PROFESSOR PUTS
IT IN THE MAZE TOMORROW,
IT WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE.
SO, C, THE DUMB MOUSE
WILL RUN THE LEGS OFF IT,
WHICH MEANS THAT, D,
THE PROFESSOR'S TALK
ABOUT HEREDITY GETS
KNOCKED INTO A COCKED HAT.
E, ZELDA REALIZES
THAT THOSE THEORIES
DON'T MEAN A DARN THING.
AND F THROUGH Z,
I GET ZELDA BACK.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
IT'S A GOOD THING THE RUSSIANS
DON'T HAVE MY BRAIN.
- BF436 BRIGHT FEMALE,
THAT'S THE ONE, MAYNARD.
- HI, LITTLE SQUEAKY BUDDY.
LOOK, THEY PUT YOU
SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT, CHEESE.
- YES, SIR LITTLE
MOUSE, HERE YOU ARE.
EAT HEARTY.
- YEAH, GO ON AND
EAT. IT'S YUMMY.
- SURE IT IS. YOU'LL LOVE
IT. ALL MICE LOVE CHEESE.
ALL MICE LOVE CHEESE.
- HEY, DOB, MAYBE
HE DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S A MOUSE.
- IT'S DELICIOUS. HERE,
I'LL EAT SOME MYSELF.
HE'S NOT EVEN WATCHING, MAYNARD.
PLEASE, MOUSE,
JUST TRY A LITTLE.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
- YEAH, AND IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
CHOCKED FULL OF
VITAMINS AND LIKE THAT.
- PLEASE?
- LOOK, DON'T BE
A RAT YOU MOUSE.
WHAT WAS THAT?
- SOMEBODY'S COMIN'.
- C'MON, THIS WAY. LET'S HIDE.
IN THE BROOM CLOSET.
- GOOD THINKING.
- IT'S ME! IT'S ME!
- DOBE, I'M SCARED.
- SHH.
MAYNARD, DON'T
TALK, DON'T WHISPER,
DON'T EVEN BREATHE.
[GASP]
MAYNARD, I TOLD
YOU NOT TO BREATHE.
- I'M NOT BREATHIN'.
HEY DOBE, THERE'S SOMEBODY
ELSE IN THE CLOSET WITH US.
- RIDICULOUS. THERE
COULDN'T POSSIBLY...
- WHAT'S THAT, GOOD BUDDY?
- YEAH, LITTLE CHIN, LITTLE
NOSE, TWO LITTLE EYES.
- LIKE ZELDA?
- LIKE ZELDA.
- DOBIE?
- SHH.
- COME OUT. COME OUT, PLEASE.
WELL, MY YOUNG
BREAKERS AND ENTERERS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
MS. GILROY?
- WHAT'S DOBIE DOING HERE?
- WHAT'S ZELDA DOING HERE?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE? NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
OBVIOUSLY, WE ALL
HAD THE SAME IDEA.
WHO GOT HERE FIRST?
- ME.
- TO FEED THE MOUSE.
- MM-HMM. THEN I HEARD
SOMEBODY COMING.
- ME.
- AND ME.
- TO FEED THE MOUSE.
- BUT THE MOUSE WOULDN'T EAT.
- WELL, OF COURSE NOT. MS.
GILROY HAD ALREADY FED HER.
- THEN WE HEARD SOMEBODY COMIN'.
- ME TO FEED THE MOUSE,
WHICH, OF COURSE, WOULDN'T EAT.
- PROFESSOR, WHY'D YOU DO THIS?
- SOME PEOPLE THINK OF ME
AS HARD AND COLD AND MEAN.
- YEAH, ME.
- YES, MR. KREBS.
BUT I GUESS UNDERNEATH IT
ALL, I'M JUST A SENTIMENTAL SLOB.
OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT
MUCH OF A SCIENTIST
LOUSING UP AN
EXPERIMENT THIS WAY.
BUT I FIGURE WE CAN
STRETCH SCIENCE A LITTLE BIT
IF IT MEANS KEEPING
YOU TWO TOGETHER
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE
YOU BELONG, TOGETHER.
- OH, WE DO. WE DO.
- SMALL GIRL, I DON'T DIG.
I MEAN, WHAT DO
YOU WANT WITH DOBIE?
I THOUGHT YOU AND CHATSY
WERE HAVING SUCH A BLAST.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT LOVE.
- TRUE, SMALL GIRL.
- SURE, I WAS HAVING
FUN WITH CHATSWORTH,
AT FIRST ANYHOW.
BUT EVERY TIME I LOOKED AT
YOU AND SAW THOSE PATHETIC,
HELPLESS EYES LOOKING
AT ME LIKE A SICK SPANIEL,
I KNEW I COULD NEVER BE
HAPPY WITH ANYONE ELSE.
I MEAN, IF YOU'RE SILLY
ENOUGH TO GET STUCK
FOR A 10-THUMB IDIOT
LIKE YOU, POOPSIE,
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, ZELDA.
- NO, THEN THERE'S NO CHANCE
OF EVER GETTING UNSTUCK.
- THANK YOU, ZELDA.
THAT'S JUST THE
WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU.
YOU'RE A MESS,
BUT YOU'RE MY MESS.
- THANK YOU, DOBIE.
- YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE KIDS THAT END UP
WITH DOBIE'S TINY BRAIN?
- OH, HEREDITY ISN'T
ALL THAT FOOLPROOF.
THE KIDS COULD TURN OUT
TO BE GENIUSES. WHO KNOWS?
- AND WHAT IF THEY AREN'T?
I'LL BE THERE TO PROTECT THEM.
IF I CAN TAKE CARE
OF ONE DIMWIT,
I GUESS I CAN HANDLE A FEW MORE.
- YEAH, I'M GETTING
PRETTY MISTY.
- ME TOO.
- ME TOO. ANYBODY
GOT ANY CHEESE LEFT?
- OH MUMSY, WILL YOU LISTEN?
- I CERTAINLY WILL NOT.
I TOLD YOU VERY
DISTINCTLY TO GET RID
OF THIS DISSIPATED CREATURE
AND START GOING AROUND
WITH THIS BEADY-EYED
LITTLE GIRL.
- MUMSY, THAT'S WHAT
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU.
ZELDA WON'T HAVE ME.
- OH, SMARTER THAN I THOUGHT.
- NOTHING PERSONAL,
MRS. OSBORNE.
IT'S JUST THAT DOBIE NEEDS ME.
- WELL, HE CERTAINLY
NEEDS SOMETHING.
- IN VIEW OF THE
CIRCUMSTANCES, MRS. OSBORNE,
ZELDA AND I FEEL THAT SHE
SHOULD RETURN THE GIFTS
THAT CHATSWORTH GAVE HER.
- YES, I BROUGHT THEM
BACK. OKAY, MAYNARD.
[JAZZ MUSIC]