The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Gigolo - full transcript
Maynard, of whom no man could ever be jealous, suddenly finds himself a hot commodity among the coeds of S. Peter Pryor Junior College when he agrees to serve as their escort to social events while their boyfriends are away. Dobie, fearing his caviar-stuffed friend is headed for a life of dissipation and decay, sets to rescuing him.
- FOR WEEKS, BERNADINE,
I'VE BEEN DYING TO TELL YOU
HOW MUCH I ADMIRE YOUR
TRULY SUPERB LOYALTY
AND DEVOTION.
HERE YOUR BOYFRIEND,
ROGER, A PRINCE OF A FELLOW
HAS BEEN BACK EAST AT
PRINCETON STUDYING TO BE A GENIUS
FOR THREE MONTHS NOW, AND
NOT ONCE HAVE YOU GIVEN HIM
CAUSE TO WORRY OR BE JEALOUS.
YES, BERNADINE,
IT'S GIRLS LIKE YOU
WHO GIVE ME FAITH IN THE
HONESTY AND INTEGRITY
OF AMERICAN WOMANHOOD.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
- OH? WHAT?
- I LOVE YOU. LET'S GO STEADY.
- BACK OFF, YOU BIG PHONY,
OR GET A FACE FULL OF ELBOW.
- NO, MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
- ALL THAT BLABBER
ABOUT ADMIRING
MY DEVOTION AND LOYALTY. HA!
- BUT I'M ALL FOR 'EM.
- HA!
- FOR A WEEK MAYBE, EVEN TWO.
BUT AFTER THREE MONTHS,
IT'S NOT LOYALTY, IT'S INSANITY.
- ROGER AND I HAVE A
HEAVEN-SENT RELATIONSHIP,
AND NO CREEP LIKE YOU
IS GONNA TORPEDO IT.
- VERY WELL THEN, MY LOVE,
REJECT ME, FLING ME AWAY,
TURN ME INTO A DRIFTING,
AIMLESS, MINDLESS,
HOPELESS WRECK.
- YOU RANG?
- NO, MAYNARD, I
DIDN'T. PLEASE, I'M BUSY.
NOW, MY ANGEL, WHERE WERE WE?
- YOU WERE A HOPELESS
WRECK. NOW, GET LOST.
MAYNARD, THE DANCE
STARTS EARLY TONIGHT.
COULD YOU PICK ME UP AT 9:00?
- NOPE. I'M LIKE
UNAVAILABLE TILL 10:00.
- OH, BUT, MAYNARD,
10:00'S AWFULLY LATE.
- WELL, DON'T QUIBBLE,
CHICK. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
- I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE
IT. 10:00 WILL BE PERFECT.
THAT'S BETTER. NOW THE
LOOT FOR THE TUXEDO?
- ALL RIGHT.
- OH, YEAH. AND THE TAXI FARE?
- OH, OF COURSE.
- OOH, AND A BIG HUNK
OF MISCELLANEOUS
FOR ODDS AND, LIKE, ENDS?
- OH, SURE, ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
[JAZZ THEME]
- MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G.
KREBS, HAS ALL THE SEX APPEAL
OF A HEAD OF
CABBAGE, WITH A BEARD.
SO HOW DO YOU FIGURE THE
WAY THAT DREAM BERNADINE
THREW HERSELF ALL OVER HIM?
I HAD TO FIND OUT THE
REASON, SO I WENT TO MAYNARD,
AND I SAID, "MAYNARD, I THINK
THERE'S AN EXPLANATION COMING."
- OKAY. LET'S HAVE IT.
- NO, NO, MAYNARD.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'D
BETTER DO SOME EXPLAINING,
AND FAST.
- WHAT'S TO EXPLAIN?
I'M GONNA TAKE THAT
CHICK FOR EVERY NICKEL
SHE CAN WRING
OUT OF HER OLD MAN,
THAT'S ALL.
- MAYNARD.
- WHEN SHE'S ALL WRUNG
OUT LIKE ON OLD GRAPEFRUIT,
I'M GONNA JUST
SQUEEZE A LOT MORE.
- MAYNARD, IS IT
REALLY YOU TALKING?
- YOU BET. ME, MAYNARD G. ME.
THE REAL MAYNARD G. ME.
I'M LIKE ROUGH, TOUGH,
AND, LIKE, ORNERY.
NO MORE WASHY-WISHY SCHNOOK.
- MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING'S WRONG,
EXCEPT I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH:
MY FACE IS MY FORTUNE.
- YOUR FACE IS YOUR FORTUNE?
- MM-HMM.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE VERY
SICK. I'M TAKING YOU HOME.
- STILL DON'T BELIEVE
ME, HUH, SMART APPLE?
WELL, PAY ME, LIKE, HEED.
ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT WEEKS
AGO... THAT'S ALMOST A MONTH...
I WAS A SWEET, LOVABLE,
CUDDLY, STUPID KID,
AND THEN I STRUCK GAS.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S OIL.
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I WAS ON MY WAY, EUROPA.
YOU SEE THIS BERNADINE
CHICK WAS TALKING
TO HER BOYFRIEND ROGER
JUST BEFORE HE ZOOMED OFF
TO GET HIMSELF A
LIFTED-PINKY EDUCATION.
THEY WERE YAKKIN' AWAY
OVER IN THE, UH... BY THE SCHOOL.
- GEE, ROGER, WHILE
YOU'RE AWAY AT PRINCETON,
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO BREATHE OR ANYTHING.
- OH, BUT I WANT
YOU TO, MY ANGEL.
- BREATHE?
- OH, THAT, TOO, OF COURSE.
BUT I MEAN, WHILE I'M
AWAY AT PRINCETON,
I WANT YOU TO PARTICIPATE
IN CAMPUS ACTIVITIES HERE:
SORORITY DANCES, PARTIES,
FOOTBALL WEEKENDS.
- OH, I WOULDN'T DREAM OF
GOING ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU.
- OH, BUT YOU MUST GO.
WHILE I'M AWAY AT PRINCETON
BECOMING A MAN OF THE WORLD,
YOU CAN'T REMAIN A
SIMPLE, SMALL-TOWN
ALICE SIT-BY-THE-FIRE.
- OKAY, IF YOU SAY SO, MY DEAR,
BUT I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND
A FELLA TO ESCORT ME
WHO'S A FRIEND OF YOURS.
- BUT WHILE I'M
AWAY, HOW DO I KNOW
HE'LL REMAIN A FRIEND?
I'D BE AFRAID YOU'D
FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.
- THEN I WON'T GO.
- BUT MY CONSCIENCE
WILL BOTHER ME
IF YOU HAVE TO SIT
HOME ALONE EVERY NIGHT.
- WELL, THEN, WE'LL FIND A FELLA
THAT NO ONE COULD
POSSIBLY FALL IN LOVE WITH.
- YOU RANG?
- WHEN THAT DISASTROUS
EVENT TOOK PLACE,
IT WAS PRECISELY 3:27.
I DO NOT MAKE SUCH
AN IMPORTANT ISSUE
OF THE EXACT TIME FOR
ANY CAPRICIOUS REASON.
NO. I MENTION IT BECAUSE
IT MARKED THE MOMENT
WHEN MAYNARD G. KREBS... KIND,
SWEET, GENTLE CHILD OF NATURE...
BECAME MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HARD-HEADED MONEY GRUBBER
AND GIGOLO.
FROM THAT MOMENT ON,
HE BEGAN TO FALL
APART... MORALLY, THAT IS.
YOU SEE, WHEN BERNADINE
AND HER BOYFRIEND
REALIZED THAT MAYNARD'S,
UH, UNUSUAL APPEARANCE
MADE HIM THE KIND OF
FELLA IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE
TO BE JEALOUS OF,
THEY OFFERED HIM MONEY
TO ESCORT HER TO DANCES,
PARTIES AND FOOTBALL WEEKENDS.
BEFORE LONG, WORD
OF THIS GOT AROUND
AND MAYNARD BECAME
A VALUABLE COMMODITY.
ANY GIRL WHO HAD A
BOYFRIEND AWAY AT SCHOOL
IN THE EAST OR IN
THE ARMY OR LIKE THAT
COULD HIRE MAYNARD
TO BE HER DATE.
SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE,
BUT MAYNARD'S FACE
HAD BECOME HIS FORTUNE.
OF ALL THE FACES A BOYFRIEND
COULD NEVER BE JEALOUS OF,
MAYNARD'S WAS THE
UNDISPUTED CHAMPION,
AND HE WAS CASHING IN ON IT.
THE WHOLE SITUATION WAS
DISGRACEFUL AND DEGRADING,
BUT MAYNARD, THE
POOR MISGUIDED FOOL,
DIDN'T REALIZE IT.
IN FACT...
- MAYNARD,
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
YOU GOTTA RECONSIDER MY OFFER.
- OH, FLAKE OFF, DOLL.
ONE CHICK AT A TIME
IS ALL I CAN HANDLE.
MY WAITING LIST IS
LONGER THAN YOUR ARM,
AND YOUR ARM TOO.
- BUT MYRON'S BEEN
AWAY AT WEST POINT
FOR OVER A MONTH NOW,
AND TOMORROW IS
SOPHOMORE PROM DAY.
- THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.
- PLEASE, MAYNARD.
I'LL GUARANTEE YOU AN
ALL-EXPENSE PAID VISIT
TO PERRY'S PIZZA PARLOR
AFTER EVERY DANCE.
- CUT THE WAILING,
GIRL, YOU'RE BUGGING ME.
- UH, DARLENE, I'D BE
HONORED TO ESCORT YOU TO...
- AS YOU WERE, SONNY.
ONE LOOK AT YOU AND
MYRON WOULD DROP ME
AND MANGLE YOU.
MAYNARD, PLEASE LET ME KNOW
THE MINUTE YOU HAVE AN OPENING.
I'M MISSING OUT ON EVERYTHING.
- ZOOM OFF, LULU.
SEE WHAT I MEAN, DOBE?
A NORMAL-LOOKIN' FACE LIKE YOURS
GETS YOU STRAIGHT
TO NOWHERESVILLE,
BUT A KISSER LIKE MINE, MAN,
IT'S WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN
PISTACHIO CARAMEL SUNDAES.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE MAYNARD G. KREBS
WHO USED TO SPEND HOURS
FEEDING THE SQUIRRELS IN THE PARK?
THE MAYNARD G. KREBS
WHO CLIMBED OVER THE FENCE
AT THE DOG POUND TO
FREE HELPLESS PUPS?
THE MAYNARD G. KREBS
WHO LIKES TO WATCH SUNSETS
AND FLOWERS AND RAINBOWS
AFTER A THUNDERSTORM?
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT SWEET,
KIND, WARM-HEARTED FELLA?
- HE WENT THAT-A-WAY, AND
WHO NEEDS SUCH A MUTTON HEAD?
LOOK, DOBE, MY CLIENT BOUGHT
ME A BEAUTIFUL PLAID VEST
TO GO WITH MY TUXEDO ENSEMBLE,
AND I GOTTA GO OVER TO
THE TAILOR FOR A FITTING,
SO I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- MAYNARD, WHAT YOU'RE
DOING IS UNAMERICAN.
- OH, MAYNARD, I
GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
RALPH'S BEEN AT YALE FOR...
- UNHAND ME, WENCH.
OOH, MAN, WHAT A
DISADJUSTED WORLD WE LIVE IN.
I MEAN, I KEEP WONDERING, WILL
SUPPLY EVER EQUAL DEMAND?
- PRISCILLA, MY DEAR...
- PAWS OFF ME, MASHER!
MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
- DO YOU REALIZE THAT
WE ARE WITNESSING
THE DESTRUCTION OF THE
SOUL OF MAYNARD G. KREBS
BEFORE OUR VERY EYES?
AND WORST OF ALL, THE
POOR MISGUIDED CREATURE
DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE
HOW HORRIBLY BAD OFF HE IS.
[DANCE MUSIC]
[DANCERS APPLAUD]
- UH, GAR-CONE,
NOW WE'RE THROUGH
TRIPPING THIS LIGHT FANTASTIC,
BRING OUR TABLE THE
CAVIAR, THE ENTIRE CAVIAR.
- UM... MAYNARD,
CAVIAR IS SO EXPENSIVE,
AND I'M ALREADY OVERDRAWN
ON NEXT MONTH'S ALLOWANCE.
- WELL, PRUDENCE OFFERED
ME A LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP
IN THE DIZZY GILLESPIE
FAN CLUB, AND LAURA JEAN...
- UH, UM... HE'LL HAVE CAVIAR.
- AHH! SKOL!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
SEE THE FATE I HAD TO
RESCUE MAYNARD FROM?
BOY, WAS HE MISERABLE.
- IT WAS A LOVELY
EVENING, MAYNARD.
THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME.
- OH, STAND BACK, GIRL.
YOUR HOT BREATH IS
MELTING MY BOUTONNIERE.
LET US AWAY.
- MAYNARD! I'VE GOTTA SAVE YOU!
- DOBIE, YOU GOTTA
BE SOME KIND OF A NUT!
- I'M NOT GONNA STAND
BY AND LET YOU RUIN HIM.
- GIVE HIM BACK, YOU LOUT,
OR I'LL CALL THE PADDY WAGON!
- MAYNARD, I'M
GONNA TAKE YOU BACK
INTO THE KINDA LIFE
YOU USED TO LEAD.
- DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
CHICK! CALL THE PADDY WAGON!
- MR. KREBS, SIR,
YOUR CAB IS WAITING
WITH THE SPECIAL SOFT
CUSHIONS THAT YOU ORDERED.
- A CAB? SOFT CUSHIONS?
MAYNARD, WE'RE GONNA
GO WAKE UP MY FOLKS.
THEY'LL HELP ME RESCUE YOU
FROM THIS LIFE OF UNHAPPINESS.
NO, THANKS. WE'LL WALK.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
WHY WOULD ANY GIRL
WANNA GIVE MAYNARD
ALL THAT STUFF JUST
TO GO OUT WITH HER?
OOH, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.
SHE'S GOTTA HAVE A HOLE
IN HER SKULL, THAT'S WHY.
- NO, DAD. I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU,
THE GIRLS ARE AFTER HIM BECAUSE
HE'S A VERY VALUABLE COMMODITY.
- A VERY VALUABLE... THAT
BROKEN-DOWN WRECK?
NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE,
MR. G. LET GO, DOBE!
- DAD, HE'S VALUABLE BECAUSE
HE'S A BROKEN-DOWN WRECK.
YEAH, NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE, DOBE.
LET GO OR I'M
GONNA CALL THE COPS
AND TELL 'EM YOU'RE KIDNAPPERS
AND YOU'RE HOLDING ME
FOR $1 MILLION RANSOM.
ON SECOND THOUGHT,
WHO'D BELIEVE ME?
- GOOD YOU MENTIONED IT.
- MAYNARD, YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT
TAKE MONEY FROM A GIRL THAT WAY.
IT'S DISGRACEFUL.
- IT'S SHOCKING.
- IT'S SHAMEFUL.
- IT SOUNDS TO ME
LIKE MAYBE HE'S LATCHED
ONTO A GOOD THING.
AND BESIDES THAT, IT
IS SHOCKING, SHAMEFUL
AND DISGRACEFUL.
- DAD, HELP US SHOW
MAYNARD HOW WRONG HE IS.
- MAYNARD, NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THIS IS A MAN'S WORLD, AND
YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE A MAN.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING,
YOU GOTTA GO OUT AND EARN IT
FOR YOURSELF.
- WHY?
- I BETTER QUIT. HE'S GOT ME.
- HERBERT, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.
- MAYNARD, WE'RE ONLY DOING
THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
IF YOU STRAIGHTEN OUT
AND DO WHAT'S RIGHT,
WE DON'T GAIN ANYTHING
BY IT, BUT YOU WILL.
YOU'LL WIN BACK YOUR
SELF-RESPECT AND DIGNITY.
- DO AS WE SAY, MAYNARD,
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
- THEY'RE RIGHT, MAYNARD.
OH, I KNOW IT'S AWFUL
TEMPTIN' TO TAKE THE EASY ROAD,
BUT UNLESS A MAN MAKES
HIS OWN WAY IN THIS LIFE,
HE AIN'T REALLY A MAN.
WHY, HE CAN HARDLY LOOK AT
HIMSELF IN THE LOOKIN' GLASS,
AND AS THAT'S PRETTY
TOUGH FOR YOU ALREADY,
WHY SADDLE YOURSELF
WITH AN ADDED HANDICAP?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- MAYNARD, WE ONLY WANNA
HELP. WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS.
- LIKE, TRUE. THE BEST FRIENDS
I GOT IN THE WHOLE WORLD,
OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
- AHA!
I FIGURED YOU'D HAVE HIM HERE,
YOU LOWDOWN KIDNAPPER.
- YEAH, YOU LOWDOWN KIDNAPPER.
- MAYNARD, WE'RE FRIENDS NOW.
- MAYNARD, COME ON.
THE GANG IS GOING TO
PEABODY FOR BARBECUED RIBS.
- BARBECUED RIBS?
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WHATEVER SHE'LL
FEED YOU, WE'LL FEED YOU.
- AND WE WILL PROVIDE A FINE,
WHOLESOME AMERICAN ATMOSPHERE.
- MAYNARD, I'LL HAVE MY
FATHER INCREASE MY ALLOWANCE,
AND WE'LL GO TO THE
MOVIES SEVEN NIGHTS A WEEK.
- OOH, CRAZY.
- MAYNARD!
WE'LL TAKE YOU TO MOVIES
SEVEN NIGHTS A WEEK,
PLUS MATINEES.
- AND WE WILL PROVIDE A FINE,
WHOLESOME AMERICAN ATMOSPHERE.
- COME ON WITH ME,
MAYNARD, I'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
- NO. I DON'T WANNA GO.
- MAYNARD, STAY WITH US.
WE'LL MAKE YOU STRONG.
- I GOTTA STICK WITH
MY GOOD BUDDY DOBIE,
'CAUSE HE LEARNED
ME EVERYTHING I KNOW.
AND IF HE SAYS GIVIN' UP ALL
THEM JOLLIES IS GOOD FOR ME,
WELL, I GOTTA GIVE IT A TRY.
- YEAH. AND YOU'LL WIN,
MAYNARD. WE'LL HELP YOU WIN.
- WELL, YOU BET
WE WILL, MAYNARD.
WHY, WE'LL HELP YOU SO MUCH
EVEN YOU WON'T BE
ABLE TO FLUB IT... OH.
- WITH THE HELP OUR FINE,
WHOLESOME AMERICAN ATMOSPHERE.
- OKAY, DOBIE, YOU WIN FOR NOW.
BUT JUST WAIT. I'VE
GOT HIM ACCUSTOMED
TO ROAST PHEASANT AND CAVIAR.
DO YOU THINK HE'LL
EVER AGAIN BE SATISFIED
WITH SODA POP AND TUNA FISH?
- OH, SHE COULD BE RIGHT, DOBE.
I MEAN, I'M HOOKED
ON ALL 'EM THINGS.
DO YOU THINK I CAN KICK 'EM?
- DON'T WORRY, MAYNARD,
WE'RE RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.
WE'LL FIGHT AT YOUR
SIDE UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
ALL THOSE HORRIBLE HABITS
COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.
- HA! THEY NEVER
KICK THOSE HABITS.
HE'LL BE BACK IN 24 HOURS
FOR THE SOFT,
EASY, LUXURIOUS LIFE.
BYE-BYE, MAYNARD. SEE YOU SOON.
REAL SOON.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- OH, NOW YOU'RE ACTING
LIKE A MAN, MAYNARD.
AND WHENEVER YOU
THINK YOU'RE SLIPPIN' BACK,
YOU JUST YELL FOR US.
- WE'LL GET YOU WHATEVER THAT...
THAT HUSSY WILL GET FOR YOU.
- YEAH. AND FORGET ABOUT
WHAT IT COSTS, MAYNARD.
YOU'RE MUCH MORE
IMPORTANT THAN MERE MONEY.
- THAT'S RIGHT, BOY, FORGET
ABOUT WHAT IT COSTS.
AFTER ALL, THE
IMPORTANT THING IS...
FORGET ABOUT WHAT IT COSTS?
NOW, JUST HOLD THE PHONE.
YOU MEAN I GOTTA
SHELL OUT A LOTTA LOOT
JUST SO MAYNARD...
- YES, HERBERT, WE DO.
- YES, HERBERT, SHE DO.
MAYNARD, BE MY GUEST.
- THANKS, DAD. SAVING MAYNARD
WILL BE WORTH WHATEVER IT COSTS.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
- [SCOFFS]
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
MAKE BOOK ON THAT?
- D-DAY, H-HOUR, THE
BATTLE HAD BEGUN.
IT WAS BOUND TO
BE A TOUGH FIGHT,
BUT THE GAME WAS
WELL WORTH THE CANDLE,
FOR THE CANDLE WAS
NOTHING LESS THAN THE SOUL
OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- [SCATTING]
OH, NO!
- HI, MAYNARD.
- OH, PLEASE,
LIKE, VANISH, CHICK.
I PROMISED DOBE I'D AVOID
YOU LIKE A CASE OF MEASLES.
NOW, PLEASE...
- LOOK, MAYNARD,
SHINY NEW BONGOS
HOT OFF THE BOAT
FROM THE CARIBBEAN.
- OOH, LIKE I SAW, LIKE I SAW.
NOW, TAKE 'EM AWAY,
LIKE, PLEASE, OR I'LL FLIP.
- THE FINEST MONEY
CAN BUY. DIG THE SOUND.
- HUH?
- AND A PLACE WHERE
YOU CAN PLAY 'EM
AS LOUD AS YOU WANT
TO, ALL NIGHT LONG,
AND DON'T THINK ABOUT...
NOBODY WILL DISTURB YOU.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- BEAT IT, DOBIE,
YOU'RE TOO LATE.
I TOLD YOU HE'D COME BACK TO ME.
- OH, NO, HE WON'T.
HE'S STRONG ENOUGH TO
RESIST YOU, RIGHT, MAYNARD?
RIGHT, MAYNARD?
- SHE SAID SHE'D GIVE ME
THEM HIGH-CLASS BONGOS.
- THEY'RE IMPORTED,
FINE AS MONEY CAN BUY
AND A PLACE TO PLAY THEM
WHERE NOBODY WILL BOTHER HIM.
- DON'T HATE ME, DOBE.
I'M NOT BAD, JUST WEAK.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW WE'LL
MATCH WHATEVER SHE OFFERS.
- YOU'LL MATCH THEM BONGOS?
- WE'LL MATCH THEM BONGOS.
- WHEN?
- NOW.
- DOBIE, IT'S BAD ENOUGH
I HAD TO SHELL OUT
ALL THE LOOT FOR THEM DRUMS,
BUT NOW I GOTTA GET UP
AND LISTEN TO THEM TOO?
- SHH, MAYNARD HAS
TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE
WHEN HE PUTS ON A PERFORMANCE.
- YOU CALL THAT A PERFORMANCE?
IT'S MORE LIKE AN OLD
MONGOLIAN TORTURE.
- SHH!
- "SHH!"
- BERNADINE WAS
STUBBORN AND TRICKY
AND A GIRL,
AND THAT'S A POWERFUL
COMBINATION TO BEAT.
LIKE THE SNAKE IN
THE GARDEN OF EDEN,
SHE KEPT THINKING UP SNEAKY
NEW WAYS TO TEMPT ADAM,
UH, MAYNARD.
- OH, NO. NO, NO.
- DON'T YOU WANT TO
GO SWING IN MY POOL?
- OH, NO. CUT IT OUT. YOU
GOT ME IN YOUR SIGHTS
WITH THAT SOFT, EASY,
HAPPILY MISERABLE LIFE.
NO, PLEASE. NO. I...
- THE COUNTRY CLUB HAS A POOL.
- OH, I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I
DON'T EVEN PLAY GOLF.
I MEAN, GO TAKE
A TRIP SOMEPLACE.
- NOW, MAYNARD, WE'LL HAVE...
[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]
- HALT.
MAYNARD, DON'T TELL ME
SHE'S DANGLING BAIT
IN FRONT OF YOU AGAIN.
- OKAY, I WON'T
TELL YOU, BUT SHE IS,
AND THIS TIME SHE'S
GOT ME HOOKED. GO, GIRL.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW WE'LL MATCH
WHATEVER SHE OFFERS.
WHAT'S THE COME-ON
TODAY, DELILAH?
- A LAZY, ELEGANT AFTERNOON
IN MY SWIMMING POOL.
MATCH THAT, LOUDMOUTH.
- YEAH, MATCH THAT, LOUDMOUTH.
- COME ON.
- OKAY.
[WHISTLE]
- YOU'D THINK THAT WOULD'VE
SCARED BERNADINE OFF,
WOULDN'T YOU? BUT NO.
THE BATTLE FOR
MAYNARD'S SOUL WENT ON.
THE ENEMY WAS
STILL FULL OF FIGHT.
- AND THEN WE'LL GO
TO THE LA FIESTA ROOM.
THEY'VE GOT THE BEST
LATIN BAND IN TOWN.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE TO
CHA CHA CHA THE WAY I SHOWED YA?
- YEAH, IT'S THE GREATEST
LA CUCARACHA RHYTHM.
- A SWINGIN' NIGHT
OF CHA CHA CHA.
TOP THAT, BIG TALKER.
- YEAH. NOTHING TO IT.
- OH, YEAH? WE'LL SEE.
- WE'LL SEE.
- MAN, THAT BERNADINE
THOUGHT SHE HAD US STUCK.
BOY, YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP
PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO BEAT US GILLISES.
MAYNARD, MOM'S THE
BEST CHA-CHA DANCER
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- WELL, FOR MY AGE,
THAT IS. COME, MAYNARD,
SHALL WE SHOW THEM HOW
TO CUT A LATIN RUG? ¡OLÉ!
- VIVA LA SEÑORITA G!
THAT'S MRS. G. IN, LIKE, LATIN.
- WE KNOW, MAYNARD.
WE KNOW. DANCE ALREADY.
- OH.
- READY? AND ONE...
AND ONE.
- MAYNARD, I THOUGHT
BERNADINE TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO DANCE THE CHA-CHA?
- LIKE, TRUE, BUT I WAS
TOO CHICKEN TO LEAD
AND SHE ONLY LEARNED
ME HOW TO FOLLOW.
- MOM, MAYNARD CAN ONLY
FOLLOW. CAN'T YOU LEAD?
- OH, I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW, DEAR.
- AH, WE'RE SUNK.
NO WONDER THAT BERNADINE
WAS SO SURE OF HERSELF.
- OOH, THAT MUSIC.
MAN, WHAT A BEAT.
WELL, THERE'S NOBODY
HERE TO DANCE WITH,
SO I BETTER GO DOWN
TO THE LA FIESTA ROOM
AND FIND THAT
TWINKLE-TOED CHICK.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD.
DON'T GO BACK TO HER.
- FIGHT THAT TEMPTATION,
MAYNARD. FIGHT.
- I'M SORRY, MRS. G., DOBE G.
DOBE G., THAT MEANS LIKE...
- I KNOW, MAYNARD. I KNOW.
- I TRIED, HONEST I DID,
BUT IT'S BIGGER
THAN THE BOTH OF ME.
SO, LIKE, FAREWELL
AND AU REVOIR,
AND 1, 2, CHA CHA
CHA. 1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
- HOLD IT, BOY.
- OH, LET GO, MR. G.
YOU'RE CHEATING.
YOU PROMISED YOU'D GIVE
ME ANYTHING THE CHICK COULD.
I GOTTA HAVE SOMEBODY TO
LEAD ME IN THE CHA CHA CHA,
I JUST GOTTA.
- SO?
- SO?
- SO WHEN THE LITTLE LADY
WAS BECOMING THE BEST
CHA CHA CHA DANCER
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
FOR HER AGE, THAT IS,
WHO DO YOU THINK
WAS LEADING HER?
- YOU MEAN IT?
- SHALL WE DANCE?
- Both: 1, 2, CHA CHA
CHA. 1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
- THE TIME HAD COME
FOR THE CRUCIAL TEST.
WAS MAYNARD CURED?
COULD HE RESIST THE
BRIGHT, SHINY, SEDUCTIVE
TEMPTATIONS OF BERNADINE
AND RETURN TO LIVING LIKE THE
SWEET, UNDEMANDING MAYNARD
WE ALL KNEW AND LOVED?
THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO FIND OUT.
- THAT ENDICOTT BUILDING
IS ONE BIG WHOLE PILE OF...
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- MAYNARD, HI.
- OH, DOBE, SHE'S BACK.
KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME.
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD.
- GET LOST, YOU
BLOODTHIRSTY UMPIRE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S VAMPIRE.
AND THIS TIME, YOU'VE
GOT TO FACE HER.
- OH, NO, DOBE. SHE'LL,
LIKE, ENTICE AND LURE ME
AND TANTALIZE ME BACK
TO MY OLD WICKED WAYS.
- LISTEN TO HER.
SEE WHAT SHE WANTS.
- MAYNARD, I HAVE
TWO FRONT ROW SEATS
FOR THE THELONIOUS MONK CONCERT.
WHAT TIME YOU GONNA PICK ME UP?
- THELONIOUS MONK?
MAN, HE'S THE WILDEST.
I GOTTA GO HEAR HIM.
I SAID I JUST GOTTA GO HEAR HIM.
HEY, DOBE, AIN'T YOU
GOING TO OFFER TO TAKE ME
TO HEAR OLD THELONIOUS
SO I WON'T GO WITH HER?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- NO, DOBIE?
- NO, MAYNARD, NO MORE BRIBES.
WE DID IT FOR A WHILE
SO YOU'D HAVE TIME
TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND,
AND NOW THE HOUR OF
DECISION HAS ARRIVED.
DO YOU CHOOSE HER, THE
SHAMEFUL, DISGRACEFUL, PITIABLE LIFE,
OR US, HIGH-MINDED,
STRAIGHT, NOBLE AND PURE?
MAKE YOUR CHOICE.
- CHOOSE ME, MAYNARD.
I'LL GIVE YOU STEAK
AND LOBSTER DINNERS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SHE WILL.
- AND TONS OF STEREO RECORDS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SHE WILL.
- IT WILL BE A LIFE OF
SHEER FUN AND PLEASURE.
- THAT'S TRUE. AND
ALL WE CAN OFFER YOU
IS FRIENDSHIP AND
HONOR AND A CHANCE
FOR YOU TO REGAIN
YOUR SELF-RESPECT.
- COME, MAYNARD, LET US AWAY.
- DOBE, I...
- YES, MAYNARD?
- YES, MAYNARD?
- I... I...
- WELL, MAYNARD?
- WELL, MAYNARD?
- I'M STAYING WITH YOU,
GOOD BUDDY. I'M CURED.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I DON'T WANT
NO MORE OF THEM FANCY DOODADS
SOMEBODY ELSE PAYS
FOR, NAMELY A CHICK.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
WONDERFUL. JUST WONDERFUL.
- MAYNARD, HAVE YOU GONE
SOFT IN THE HEAD OR SOMETHING?
I'M OFFERING YOU
ALL THE LUXURIES
A YOUNG MAN COULD WANT.
- SURE. ON ACCOUNT OF YOU
WANT SOMETHING FROM ME,
MY FACE AND MY
LOVABLE PERSONALITY,
SO YOU CAN SWING
WITH THE HOITY-TOITY SET
AND STILL KEEP YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- TRUE.
- BUT WITH DOBE
HERE, IT'S DIFFERENT.
I CAN'T DO HIM NO GOOD.
- TRUE.
- IN FACT, ALL I EVER DO
IS GIVE HIM HEADACHES,
BUT, I MEAN, HE DON'T
WANT NOTHING FROM ME
EXCEPT I SHOULD BE HIS FRIEND.
HE'S GOT NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES.
THAT'S HOW I KNOW HIS
WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY
'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY
ONE IT, LIKE, HELPS.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE A
FINE, DECENT HUMAN BEING.
- I KNOW.
- MAYNARD?
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY?
- HERE.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
[HONK]
- OH, I HOPE YOU TWO
WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
- DON'T TALK TO US,
YOU EVIL WOMAN.
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD. BERNADINE?
BERNADINE, YOU
PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT
AND YOU DESERVE A LOT OF CREDIT.
- WELL, THANK YOU,
DOBIE. YOU'RE OKAY TOO.
YOU REALLY STICK UP
FOR YOUR PRINCIPLES.
GEE, IT'S TOO BAD WE
COULDN'T HAVE MET
UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.
- TRUE. WE MIGHT HAVE
BECOME GOOD FRIENDS.
- THAT'S QUITE POSSIBLE.
WELL, GOODBYE.
- AND DON'T COME
BACK, YOU EVIL WOMAN,
TRYING TO RUIN A SWEET,
CUDDLY, LOVABLE KID LIKE ME.
- MAYNARD.
- [HONK]
- [DOBIE SIGHS]
- BERNADINE, I DIDN'T KNOW
QUITE HOW TO SAY WHAT
I HAD TO SAY TO YOU,
AND THAT'S WHY I
BROUGHT ABIGAIL WITH ME.
- INDEED.
- ABIGAIL IS A STUDENT OF
CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGY
AT BIXBY COLLEGE FOR WOMEN.
- INDEED.
- I FEEL LIKE I'M A CAD AND
BOUNDER ABOUT ALL THIS,
OF COURSE, BERNADINE,
BUT WHEN A FELLOW FINDS
HIMSELF AN IVY LEAGUER...
- WHY DON'T YOU COME
OUT WITH IT, YA BIG PHONY?
YOU JUST CAME BACK
HERE TO TELL ME OFF.
YOU GOT YOURSELF
AN OVERSIZED HEAD
AND AN UNDERNOURISHED GIRL,
AND A SMALL-TOWN GIRL LIKE ME
JUST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU ANYMORE.
- INDEED.
- HMM, I'LL INDEED YOU, SISTER.
HERE'S YOUR RING AND YOUR PIN.
AND IF I FIND ANYTHING MORE
OF YOURS OVER AT THE HOUSE,
YOU CAN COME OVER AND I'LL
STUFF 'EM DOWN YOUR THROAT.
- CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
ZTHOSE AREN'T PAID FOR YET.
- INDEED.
- INDEED, YES, SKINNY,
AND YOU CAN HAVE HIM
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS.
I'M GONNA FIND MYSELF
A MAN WHO HAS THE GUTS
TO STICK UP FOR
WHAT HE BELIEVES IN.
- HI, BERNADINE.
- DOBIE. DOBIE, DARLING!
- ME? DOBIE, DARLING, ME?
- ROGER AND I HAVE
JUST COME TO A MUTUAL
AND HIGHLY SATISFACTORY
MISUNDERSTANDING.
- I JUST SAW, MM-HMM.
- OH, YOU'RE JUST THE
MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.
- I AM? OH, YEAH. YEAH.
I SURE AM. MM-HMM.
- DOBIE, COULDN'T WE
GO SOMEWHERE AND TALK?
- OF COURSE, MY SWEET.
YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
- OH, DOBIE, DARLING,
YOU'RE SO CUTE.
- YOU ARE THE
MOON AND THE STARS.
- YOU'RE SO ROMANTIC.
- YOU ARE POETRY.
- BUT YOU'RE SO
IMPETUOUS, MY SWEET.
WE'VE ONLY JUST MET. HOW
CAN WE SPEAK OF MARRIAGE?
- WHEN TWO PEOPLE
ARE IN LOVE, MY PEARL,
IT'S NEVER TOO SOON
TO SPEAK OF MARRIAGE.
- TRUE.
- YES.
- ROGER, THAT MEATHEAD...
- YEAH.
- AND I, WE HAD OUR INITIALS
ENGRAVED ON EVERYTHING
SINCE THE DAY WE MET.
- HMM.
- GOOD HEAVENS, I ORDERED A
SILVER SERVING TRAY YESTERDAY.
I MUST CALL THEM
AND HAVE OUR INITIALS
ENGRAVED ON IT.
- YES. OH, VOILÀ, VOILÀ.
MY... A DIME FOR THE PHONE.
- OH, I'LL RUSH RIGHT BACK.
- EACH SECOND WILL
SEEM LIKE AN ETERNITY,
MY SWEET QUESTING BEAST.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
SIT DOWN. LOOK, MAYNARD...
- OH, HEY, HEY, I SEE
YOU ORDERED FOR ME.
- I HAVE SOME WONDERFUL
NEWS TO TELL YOU.
- BERNADINE AND I...
- BERNADINE?
- YEAH.
- MY FORMER SERPENT
IN THE GARDEN OF, LIKE, EDEN?
- WELL, YEAH. YEAH.
- MAN, I'M SURE GLAD YOU
NEVER FLIPPED FOR HER, DOBE.
REMEMBER ONCE HOW I THOUGHT
YOU WAS MAKING UP EVERYTHING
ABOUT HELPING ME JUST
SO YOU COULD GET HER?
OH, MAN, I'M SURE GLAD IT
TURNED OUT I WAS WRONG
BECAUSE IF I EVER
FOUND YOU AND BERNADINE
WERE, LIKE, HACKING
AROUND TOGETHER,
THEN I'D NEVER EVER TRUST YOU
OR ANY OTHER HUMAN
PERSON EVER AGAIN.
NEVER EVER, NEVER EVER.
I MEAN... I MEAN, I'D LOSE
MY WHOLE FAITH IN HUMANITY,
AND I'D GO BACK
TO MY WICKED WAYS
OF BEING A NO-GOOD GIGOLO.
- HMM.
- BUT, DOBE, YOU'RE GOOD
AND TRUE AND PURE OF HEART,
AND YOU ONLY WANTED TO HELP ME.
AND THAT'S HOW COME I'LL
ALWAYS BELIEVE YOU AND TRUST YOU.
AND, DOBE, I'D GIVE
YOU ANYTHING I OWNED.
- HMM.
- OH, YEAH. HEY, DOBE,
DOBE, YOU WANNA
BORROW MY PETRIFIED FROG?
- NO.
- DOBIE, I... OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- OH, GET LOST, CHICK.
- LOOK, BERNADINE,
THERE'S SOMETHING I GOTTA...
- RIGHT, DOBE?
- YEAH. YEAH. GET LOST, CHICK.
- WHAT? DOBIE!
- CUT OUT, SCOOT LIKE
A BUNNY, RIGHT, DOBE?
- YEAH. LIKE A BUNNY.
- WELL, I NEVER.
- I NEVER DID EITHER.
SO, LIKE, HAIL AND
FAREWELL, RIGHT, DOBE?
- YEAH. LIKE... LIKE,
HAIL AND FAREWELL.
- MEN!
- AH, CHICKS, WHO
NEEDS THEM ANYHOW?
WE ALWAYS GOT EACH
OTHER, RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY?
- I'M AFRAID SO,
MAYNARD. I'M AFRAID SO.
- NO, MAYNARD.
THIS TIME YOU LEAD.
- OH, YEAH. READY? 1,
- Both: 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
I'VE BEEN DYING TO TELL YOU
HOW MUCH I ADMIRE YOUR
TRULY SUPERB LOYALTY
AND DEVOTION.
HERE YOUR BOYFRIEND,
ROGER, A PRINCE OF A FELLOW
HAS BEEN BACK EAST AT
PRINCETON STUDYING TO BE A GENIUS
FOR THREE MONTHS NOW, AND
NOT ONCE HAVE YOU GIVEN HIM
CAUSE TO WORRY OR BE JEALOUS.
YES, BERNADINE,
IT'S GIRLS LIKE YOU
WHO GIVE ME FAITH IN THE
HONESTY AND INTEGRITY
OF AMERICAN WOMANHOOD.
- WELL, THANK YOU.
- WAIT, THERE'S MORE.
- OH? WHAT?
- I LOVE YOU. LET'S GO STEADY.
- BACK OFF, YOU BIG PHONY,
OR GET A FACE FULL OF ELBOW.
- NO, MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.
- ALL THAT BLABBER
ABOUT ADMIRING
MY DEVOTION AND LOYALTY. HA!
- BUT I'M ALL FOR 'EM.
- HA!
- FOR A WEEK MAYBE, EVEN TWO.
BUT AFTER THREE MONTHS,
IT'S NOT LOYALTY, IT'S INSANITY.
- ROGER AND I HAVE A
HEAVEN-SENT RELATIONSHIP,
AND NO CREEP LIKE YOU
IS GONNA TORPEDO IT.
- VERY WELL THEN, MY LOVE,
REJECT ME, FLING ME AWAY,
TURN ME INTO A DRIFTING,
AIMLESS, MINDLESS,
HOPELESS WRECK.
- YOU RANG?
- NO, MAYNARD, I
DIDN'T. PLEASE, I'M BUSY.
NOW, MY ANGEL, WHERE WERE WE?
- YOU WERE A HOPELESS
WRECK. NOW, GET LOST.
MAYNARD, THE DANCE
STARTS EARLY TONIGHT.
COULD YOU PICK ME UP AT 9:00?
- NOPE. I'M LIKE
UNAVAILABLE TILL 10:00.
- OH, BUT, MAYNARD,
10:00'S AWFULLY LATE.
- WELL, DON'T QUIBBLE,
CHICK. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
- I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE
IT. 10:00 WILL BE PERFECT.
THAT'S BETTER. NOW THE
LOOT FOR THE TUXEDO?
- ALL RIGHT.
- OH, YEAH. AND THE TAXI FARE?
- OH, OF COURSE.
- OOH, AND A BIG HUNK
OF MISCELLANEOUS
FOR ODDS AND, LIKE, ENDS?
- OH, SURE, ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
[JAZZ THEME]
- MY FRIEND, MAYNARD G.
KREBS, HAS ALL THE SEX APPEAL
OF A HEAD OF
CABBAGE, WITH A BEARD.
SO HOW DO YOU FIGURE THE
WAY THAT DREAM BERNADINE
THREW HERSELF ALL OVER HIM?
I HAD TO FIND OUT THE
REASON, SO I WENT TO MAYNARD,
AND I SAID, "MAYNARD, I THINK
THERE'S AN EXPLANATION COMING."
- OKAY. LET'S HAVE IT.
- NO, NO, MAYNARD.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'D
BETTER DO SOME EXPLAINING,
AND FAST.
- WHAT'S TO EXPLAIN?
I'M GONNA TAKE THAT
CHICK FOR EVERY NICKEL
SHE CAN WRING
OUT OF HER OLD MAN,
THAT'S ALL.
- MAYNARD.
- WHEN SHE'S ALL WRUNG
OUT LIKE ON OLD GRAPEFRUIT,
I'M GONNA JUST
SQUEEZE A LOT MORE.
- MAYNARD, IS IT
REALLY YOU TALKING?
- YOU BET. ME, MAYNARD G. ME.
THE REAL MAYNARD G. ME.
I'M LIKE ROUGH, TOUGH,
AND, LIKE, ORNERY.
NO MORE WASHY-WISHY SCHNOOK.
- MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING'S WRONG,
EXCEPT I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH:
MY FACE IS MY FORTUNE.
- YOUR FACE IS YOUR FORTUNE?
- MM-HMM.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE VERY
SICK. I'M TAKING YOU HOME.
- STILL DON'T BELIEVE
ME, HUH, SMART APPLE?
WELL, PAY ME, LIKE, HEED.
ABOUT SEVEN OR EIGHT WEEKS
AGO... THAT'S ALMOST A MONTH...
I WAS A SWEET, LOVABLE,
CUDDLY, STUPID KID,
AND THEN I STRUCK GAS.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S OIL.
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I WAS ON MY WAY, EUROPA.
YOU SEE THIS BERNADINE
CHICK WAS TALKING
TO HER BOYFRIEND ROGER
JUST BEFORE HE ZOOMED OFF
TO GET HIMSELF A
LIFTED-PINKY EDUCATION.
THEY WERE YAKKIN' AWAY
OVER IN THE, UH... BY THE SCHOOL.
- GEE, ROGER, WHILE
YOU'RE AWAY AT PRINCETON,
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO BREATHE OR ANYTHING.
- OH, BUT I WANT
YOU TO, MY ANGEL.
- BREATHE?
- OH, THAT, TOO, OF COURSE.
BUT I MEAN, WHILE I'M
AWAY AT PRINCETON,
I WANT YOU TO PARTICIPATE
IN CAMPUS ACTIVITIES HERE:
SORORITY DANCES, PARTIES,
FOOTBALL WEEKENDS.
- OH, I WOULDN'T DREAM OF
GOING ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU.
- OH, BUT YOU MUST GO.
WHILE I'M AWAY AT PRINCETON
BECOMING A MAN OF THE WORLD,
YOU CAN'T REMAIN A
SIMPLE, SMALL-TOWN
ALICE SIT-BY-THE-FIRE.
- OKAY, IF YOU SAY SO, MY DEAR,
BUT I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND
A FELLA TO ESCORT ME
WHO'S A FRIEND OF YOURS.
- BUT WHILE I'M
AWAY, HOW DO I KNOW
HE'LL REMAIN A FRIEND?
I'D BE AFRAID YOU'D
FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.
- THEN I WON'T GO.
- BUT MY CONSCIENCE
WILL BOTHER ME
IF YOU HAVE TO SIT
HOME ALONE EVERY NIGHT.
- WELL, THEN, WE'LL FIND A FELLA
THAT NO ONE COULD
POSSIBLY FALL IN LOVE WITH.
- YOU RANG?
- WHEN THAT DISASTROUS
EVENT TOOK PLACE,
IT WAS PRECISELY 3:27.
I DO NOT MAKE SUCH
AN IMPORTANT ISSUE
OF THE EXACT TIME FOR
ANY CAPRICIOUS REASON.
NO. I MENTION IT BECAUSE
IT MARKED THE MOMENT
WHEN MAYNARD G. KREBS... KIND,
SWEET, GENTLE CHILD OF NATURE...
BECAME MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HARD-HEADED MONEY GRUBBER
AND GIGOLO.
FROM THAT MOMENT ON,
HE BEGAN TO FALL
APART... MORALLY, THAT IS.
YOU SEE, WHEN BERNADINE
AND HER BOYFRIEND
REALIZED THAT MAYNARD'S,
UH, UNUSUAL APPEARANCE
MADE HIM THE KIND OF
FELLA IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE
TO BE JEALOUS OF,
THEY OFFERED HIM MONEY
TO ESCORT HER TO DANCES,
PARTIES AND FOOTBALL WEEKENDS.
BEFORE LONG, WORD
OF THIS GOT AROUND
AND MAYNARD BECAME
A VALUABLE COMMODITY.
ANY GIRL WHO HAD A
BOYFRIEND AWAY AT SCHOOL
IN THE EAST OR IN
THE ARMY OR LIKE THAT
COULD HIRE MAYNARD
TO BE HER DATE.
SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE,
BUT MAYNARD'S FACE
HAD BECOME HIS FORTUNE.
OF ALL THE FACES A BOYFRIEND
COULD NEVER BE JEALOUS OF,
MAYNARD'S WAS THE
UNDISPUTED CHAMPION,
AND HE WAS CASHING IN ON IT.
THE WHOLE SITUATION WAS
DISGRACEFUL AND DEGRADING,
BUT MAYNARD, THE
POOR MISGUIDED FOOL,
DIDN'T REALIZE IT.
IN FACT...
- MAYNARD,
I'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER FOR YOU.
YOU GOTTA RECONSIDER MY OFFER.
- OH, FLAKE OFF, DOLL.
ONE CHICK AT A TIME
IS ALL I CAN HANDLE.
MY WAITING LIST IS
LONGER THAN YOUR ARM,
AND YOUR ARM TOO.
- BUT MYRON'S BEEN
AWAY AT WEST POINT
FOR OVER A MONTH NOW,
AND TOMORROW IS
SOPHOMORE PROM DAY.
- THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.
- PLEASE, MAYNARD.
I'LL GUARANTEE YOU AN
ALL-EXPENSE PAID VISIT
TO PERRY'S PIZZA PARLOR
AFTER EVERY DANCE.
- CUT THE WAILING,
GIRL, YOU'RE BUGGING ME.
- UH, DARLENE, I'D BE
HONORED TO ESCORT YOU TO...
- AS YOU WERE, SONNY.
ONE LOOK AT YOU AND
MYRON WOULD DROP ME
AND MANGLE YOU.
MAYNARD, PLEASE LET ME KNOW
THE MINUTE YOU HAVE AN OPENING.
I'M MISSING OUT ON EVERYTHING.
- ZOOM OFF, LULU.
SEE WHAT I MEAN, DOBE?
A NORMAL-LOOKIN' FACE LIKE YOURS
GETS YOU STRAIGHT
TO NOWHERESVILLE,
BUT A KISSER LIKE MINE, MAN,
IT'S WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN
PISTACHIO CARAMEL SUNDAES.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE MAYNARD G. KREBS
WHO USED TO SPEND HOURS
FEEDING THE SQUIRRELS IN THE PARK?
THE MAYNARD G. KREBS
WHO CLIMBED OVER THE FENCE
AT THE DOG POUND TO
FREE HELPLESS PUPS?
THE MAYNARD G. KREBS
WHO LIKES TO WATCH SUNSETS
AND FLOWERS AND RAINBOWS
AFTER A THUNDERSTORM?
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT SWEET,
KIND, WARM-HEARTED FELLA?
- HE WENT THAT-A-WAY, AND
WHO NEEDS SUCH A MUTTON HEAD?
LOOK, DOBE, MY CLIENT BOUGHT
ME A BEAUTIFUL PLAID VEST
TO GO WITH MY TUXEDO ENSEMBLE,
AND I GOTTA GO OVER TO
THE TAILOR FOR A FITTING,
SO I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- MAYNARD, WHAT YOU'RE
DOING IS UNAMERICAN.
- OH, MAYNARD, I
GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
RALPH'S BEEN AT YALE FOR...
- UNHAND ME, WENCH.
OOH, MAN, WHAT A
DISADJUSTED WORLD WE LIVE IN.
I MEAN, I KEEP WONDERING, WILL
SUPPLY EVER EQUAL DEMAND?
- PRISCILLA, MY DEAR...
- PAWS OFF ME, MASHER!
MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
- DO YOU REALIZE THAT
WE ARE WITNESSING
THE DESTRUCTION OF THE
SOUL OF MAYNARD G. KREBS
BEFORE OUR VERY EYES?
AND WORST OF ALL, THE
POOR MISGUIDED CREATURE
DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE
HOW HORRIBLY BAD OFF HE IS.
[DANCE MUSIC]
[DANCERS APPLAUD]
- UH, GAR-CONE,
NOW WE'RE THROUGH
TRIPPING THIS LIGHT FANTASTIC,
BRING OUR TABLE THE
CAVIAR, THE ENTIRE CAVIAR.
- UM... MAYNARD,
CAVIAR IS SO EXPENSIVE,
AND I'M ALREADY OVERDRAWN
ON NEXT MONTH'S ALLOWANCE.
- WELL, PRUDENCE OFFERED
ME A LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP
IN THE DIZZY GILLESPIE
FAN CLUB, AND LAURA JEAN...
- UH, UM... HE'LL HAVE CAVIAR.
- AHH! SKOL!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
SEE THE FATE I HAD TO
RESCUE MAYNARD FROM?
BOY, WAS HE MISERABLE.
- IT WAS A LOVELY
EVENING, MAYNARD.
THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME.
- OH, STAND BACK, GIRL.
YOUR HOT BREATH IS
MELTING MY BOUTONNIERE.
LET US AWAY.
- MAYNARD! I'VE GOTTA SAVE YOU!
- DOBIE, YOU GOTTA
BE SOME KIND OF A NUT!
- I'M NOT GONNA STAND
BY AND LET YOU RUIN HIM.
- GIVE HIM BACK, YOU LOUT,
OR I'LL CALL THE PADDY WAGON!
- MAYNARD, I'M
GONNA TAKE YOU BACK
INTO THE KINDA LIFE
YOU USED TO LEAD.
- DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
CHICK! CALL THE PADDY WAGON!
- MR. KREBS, SIR,
YOUR CAB IS WAITING
WITH THE SPECIAL SOFT
CUSHIONS THAT YOU ORDERED.
- A CAB? SOFT CUSHIONS?
MAYNARD, WE'RE GONNA
GO WAKE UP MY FOLKS.
THEY'LL HELP ME RESCUE YOU
FROM THIS LIFE OF UNHAPPINESS.
NO, THANKS. WE'LL WALK.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
WHY WOULD ANY GIRL
WANNA GIVE MAYNARD
ALL THAT STUFF JUST
TO GO OUT WITH HER?
OOH, WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.
SHE'S GOTTA HAVE A HOLE
IN HER SKULL, THAT'S WHY.
- NO, DAD. I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU,
THE GIRLS ARE AFTER HIM BECAUSE
HE'S A VERY VALUABLE COMMODITY.
- A VERY VALUABLE... THAT
BROKEN-DOWN WRECK?
NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE,
MR. G. LET GO, DOBE!
- DAD, HE'S VALUABLE BECAUSE
HE'S A BROKEN-DOWN WRECK.
YEAH, NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD.
- NO OFFENSE, DOBE.
LET GO OR I'M
GONNA CALL THE COPS
AND TELL 'EM YOU'RE KIDNAPPERS
AND YOU'RE HOLDING ME
FOR $1 MILLION RANSOM.
ON SECOND THOUGHT,
WHO'D BELIEVE ME?
- GOOD YOU MENTIONED IT.
- MAYNARD, YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT
TAKE MONEY FROM A GIRL THAT WAY.
IT'S DISGRACEFUL.
- IT'S SHOCKING.
- IT'S SHAMEFUL.
- IT SOUNDS TO ME
LIKE MAYBE HE'S LATCHED
ONTO A GOOD THING.
AND BESIDES THAT, IT
IS SHOCKING, SHAMEFUL
AND DISGRACEFUL.
- DAD, HELP US SHOW
MAYNARD HOW WRONG HE IS.
- MAYNARD, NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THIS IS A MAN'S WORLD, AND
YOU GOTTA ACT LIKE A MAN.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING,
YOU GOTTA GO OUT AND EARN IT
FOR YOURSELF.
- WHY?
- I BETTER QUIT. HE'S GOT ME.
- HERBERT, YOU ARE NOT HELPING.
- MAYNARD, WE'RE ONLY DOING
THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
IF YOU STRAIGHTEN OUT
AND DO WHAT'S RIGHT,
WE DON'T GAIN ANYTHING
BY IT, BUT YOU WILL.
YOU'LL WIN BACK YOUR
SELF-RESPECT AND DIGNITY.
- DO AS WE SAY, MAYNARD,
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
- THEY'RE RIGHT, MAYNARD.
OH, I KNOW IT'S AWFUL
TEMPTIN' TO TAKE THE EASY ROAD,
BUT UNLESS A MAN MAKES
HIS OWN WAY IN THIS LIFE,
HE AIN'T REALLY A MAN.
WHY, HE CAN HARDLY LOOK AT
HIMSELF IN THE LOOKIN' GLASS,
AND AS THAT'S PRETTY
TOUGH FOR YOU ALREADY,
WHY SADDLE YOURSELF
WITH AN ADDED HANDICAP?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- MAYNARD, WE ONLY WANNA
HELP. WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS.
- LIKE, TRUE. THE BEST FRIENDS
I GOT IN THE WHOLE WORLD,
OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
- AHA!
I FIGURED YOU'D HAVE HIM HERE,
YOU LOWDOWN KIDNAPPER.
- YEAH, YOU LOWDOWN KIDNAPPER.
- MAYNARD, WE'RE FRIENDS NOW.
- MAYNARD, COME ON.
THE GANG IS GOING TO
PEABODY FOR BARBECUED RIBS.
- BARBECUED RIBS?
- MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, WHATEVER SHE'LL
FEED YOU, WE'LL FEED YOU.
- AND WE WILL PROVIDE A FINE,
WHOLESOME AMERICAN ATMOSPHERE.
- MAYNARD, I'LL HAVE MY
FATHER INCREASE MY ALLOWANCE,
AND WE'LL GO TO THE
MOVIES SEVEN NIGHTS A WEEK.
- OOH, CRAZY.
- MAYNARD!
WE'LL TAKE YOU TO MOVIES
SEVEN NIGHTS A WEEK,
PLUS MATINEES.
- AND WE WILL PROVIDE A FINE,
WHOLESOME AMERICAN ATMOSPHERE.
- COME ON WITH ME,
MAYNARD, I'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.
- NO. I DON'T WANNA GO.
- MAYNARD, STAY WITH US.
WE'LL MAKE YOU STRONG.
- I GOTTA STICK WITH
MY GOOD BUDDY DOBIE,
'CAUSE HE LEARNED
ME EVERYTHING I KNOW.
AND IF HE SAYS GIVIN' UP ALL
THEM JOLLIES IS GOOD FOR ME,
WELL, I GOTTA GIVE IT A TRY.
- YEAH. AND YOU'LL WIN,
MAYNARD. WE'LL HELP YOU WIN.
- WELL, YOU BET
WE WILL, MAYNARD.
WHY, WE'LL HELP YOU SO MUCH
EVEN YOU WON'T BE
ABLE TO FLUB IT... OH.
- WITH THE HELP OUR FINE,
WHOLESOME AMERICAN ATMOSPHERE.
- OKAY, DOBIE, YOU WIN FOR NOW.
BUT JUST WAIT. I'VE
GOT HIM ACCUSTOMED
TO ROAST PHEASANT AND CAVIAR.
DO YOU THINK HE'LL
EVER AGAIN BE SATISFIED
WITH SODA POP AND TUNA FISH?
- OH, SHE COULD BE RIGHT, DOBE.
I MEAN, I'M HOOKED
ON ALL 'EM THINGS.
DO YOU THINK I CAN KICK 'EM?
- DON'T WORRY, MAYNARD,
WE'RE RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.
WE'LL FIGHT AT YOUR
SIDE UNTIL YOU'VE GOT
ALL THOSE HORRIBLE HABITS
COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.
- HA! THEY NEVER
KICK THOSE HABITS.
HE'LL BE BACK IN 24 HOURS
FOR THE SOFT,
EASY, LUXURIOUS LIFE.
BYE-BYE, MAYNARD. SEE YOU SOON.
REAL SOON.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- OH, NOW YOU'RE ACTING
LIKE A MAN, MAYNARD.
AND WHENEVER YOU
THINK YOU'RE SLIPPIN' BACK,
YOU JUST YELL FOR US.
- WE'LL GET YOU WHATEVER THAT...
THAT HUSSY WILL GET FOR YOU.
- YEAH. AND FORGET ABOUT
WHAT IT COSTS, MAYNARD.
YOU'RE MUCH MORE
IMPORTANT THAN MERE MONEY.
- THAT'S RIGHT, BOY, FORGET
ABOUT WHAT IT COSTS.
AFTER ALL, THE
IMPORTANT THING IS...
FORGET ABOUT WHAT IT COSTS?
NOW, JUST HOLD THE PHONE.
YOU MEAN I GOTTA
SHELL OUT A LOTTA LOOT
JUST SO MAYNARD...
- YES, HERBERT, WE DO.
- YES, HERBERT, SHE DO.
MAYNARD, BE MY GUEST.
- THANKS, DAD. SAVING MAYNARD
WILL BE WORTH WHATEVER IT COSTS.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
- [SCOFFS]
WOULD YOU LIKE TO
MAKE BOOK ON THAT?
- D-DAY, H-HOUR, THE
BATTLE HAD BEGUN.
IT WAS BOUND TO
BE A TOUGH FIGHT,
BUT THE GAME WAS
WELL WORTH THE CANDLE,
FOR THE CANDLE WAS
NOTHING LESS THAN THE SOUL
OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- [SCATTING]
OH, NO!
- HI, MAYNARD.
- OH, PLEASE,
LIKE, VANISH, CHICK.
I PROMISED DOBE I'D AVOID
YOU LIKE A CASE OF MEASLES.
NOW, PLEASE...
- LOOK, MAYNARD,
SHINY NEW BONGOS
HOT OFF THE BOAT
FROM THE CARIBBEAN.
- OOH, LIKE I SAW, LIKE I SAW.
NOW, TAKE 'EM AWAY,
LIKE, PLEASE, OR I'LL FLIP.
- THE FINEST MONEY
CAN BUY. DIG THE SOUND.
- HUH?
- AND A PLACE WHERE
YOU CAN PLAY 'EM
AS LOUD AS YOU WANT
TO, ALL NIGHT LONG,
AND DON'T THINK ABOUT...
NOBODY WILL DISTURB YOU.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- BEAT IT, DOBIE,
YOU'RE TOO LATE.
I TOLD YOU HE'D COME BACK TO ME.
- OH, NO, HE WON'T.
HE'S STRONG ENOUGH TO
RESIST YOU, RIGHT, MAYNARD?
RIGHT, MAYNARD?
- SHE SAID SHE'D GIVE ME
THEM HIGH-CLASS BONGOS.
- THEY'RE IMPORTED,
FINE AS MONEY CAN BUY
AND A PLACE TO PLAY THEM
WHERE NOBODY WILL BOTHER HIM.
- DON'T HATE ME, DOBE.
I'M NOT BAD, JUST WEAK.
- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW WE'LL
MATCH WHATEVER SHE OFFERS.
- YOU'LL MATCH THEM BONGOS?
- WE'LL MATCH THEM BONGOS.
- WHEN?
- NOW.
- DOBIE, IT'S BAD ENOUGH
I HAD TO SHELL OUT
ALL THE LOOT FOR THEM DRUMS,
BUT NOW I GOTTA GET UP
AND LISTEN TO THEM TOO?
- SHH, MAYNARD HAS
TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE
WHEN HE PUTS ON A PERFORMANCE.
- YOU CALL THAT A PERFORMANCE?
IT'S MORE LIKE AN OLD
MONGOLIAN TORTURE.
- SHH!
- "SHH!"
- BERNADINE WAS
STUBBORN AND TRICKY
AND A GIRL,
AND THAT'S A POWERFUL
COMBINATION TO BEAT.
LIKE THE SNAKE IN
THE GARDEN OF EDEN,
SHE KEPT THINKING UP SNEAKY
NEW WAYS TO TEMPT ADAM,
UH, MAYNARD.
- OH, NO. NO, NO.
- DON'T YOU WANT TO
GO SWING IN MY POOL?
- OH, NO. CUT IT OUT. YOU
GOT ME IN YOUR SIGHTS
WITH THAT SOFT, EASY,
HAPPILY MISERABLE LIFE.
NO, PLEASE. NO. I...
- THE COUNTRY CLUB HAS A POOL.
- OH, I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I
DON'T EVEN PLAY GOLF.
I MEAN, GO TAKE
A TRIP SOMEPLACE.
- NOW, MAYNARD, WE'LL HAVE...
[BOTH TALKING AT ONCE]
- HALT.
MAYNARD, DON'T TELL ME
SHE'S DANGLING BAIT
IN FRONT OF YOU AGAIN.
- OKAY, I WON'T
TELL YOU, BUT SHE IS,
AND THIS TIME SHE'S
GOT ME HOOKED. GO, GIRL.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD.
YOU KNOW WE'LL MATCH
WHATEVER SHE OFFERS.
WHAT'S THE COME-ON
TODAY, DELILAH?
- A LAZY, ELEGANT AFTERNOON
IN MY SWIMMING POOL.
MATCH THAT, LOUDMOUTH.
- YEAH, MATCH THAT, LOUDMOUTH.
- COME ON.
- OKAY.
[WHISTLE]
- YOU'D THINK THAT WOULD'VE
SCARED BERNADINE OFF,
WOULDN'T YOU? BUT NO.
THE BATTLE FOR
MAYNARD'S SOUL WENT ON.
THE ENEMY WAS
STILL FULL OF FIGHT.
- AND THEN WE'LL GO
TO THE LA FIESTA ROOM.
THEY'VE GOT THE BEST
LATIN BAND IN TOWN.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE TO
CHA CHA CHA THE WAY I SHOWED YA?
- YEAH, IT'S THE GREATEST
LA CUCARACHA RHYTHM.
- A SWINGIN' NIGHT
OF CHA CHA CHA.
TOP THAT, BIG TALKER.
- YEAH. NOTHING TO IT.
- OH, YEAH? WE'LL SEE.
- WE'LL SEE.
- MAN, THAT BERNADINE
THOUGHT SHE HAD US STUCK.
BOY, YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP
PRETTY EARLY IN THE MORNING
TO BEAT US GILLISES.
MAYNARD, MOM'S THE
BEST CHA-CHA DANCER
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- WELL, FOR MY AGE,
THAT IS. COME, MAYNARD,
SHALL WE SHOW THEM HOW
TO CUT A LATIN RUG? ¡OLÉ!
- VIVA LA SEÑORITA G!
THAT'S MRS. G. IN, LIKE, LATIN.
- WE KNOW, MAYNARD.
WE KNOW. DANCE ALREADY.
- OH.
- READY? AND ONE...
AND ONE.
- MAYNARD, I THOUGHT
BERNADINE TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO DANCE THE CHA-CHA?
- LIKE, TRUE, BUT I WAS
TOO CHICKEN TO LEAD
AND SHE ONLY LEARNED
ME HOW TO FOLLOW.
- MOM, MAYNARD CAN ONLY
FOLLOW. CAN'T YOU LEAD?
- OH, I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW, DEAR.
- AH, WE'RE SUNK.
NO WONDER THAT BERNADINE
WAS SO SURE OF HERSELF.
- OOH, THAT MUSIC.
MAN, WHAT A BEAT.
WELL, THERE'S NOBODY
HERE TO DANCE WITH,
SO I BETTER GO DOWN
TO THE LA FIESTA ROOM
AND FIND THAT
TWINKLE-TOED CHICK.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD.
DON'T GO BACK TO HER.
- FIGHT THAT TEMPTATION,
MAYNARD. FIGHT.
- I'M SORRY, MRS. G., DOBE G.
DOBE G., THAT MEANS LIKE...
- I KNOW, MAYNARD. I KNOW.
- I TRIED, HONEST I DID,
BUT IT'S BIGGER
THAN THE BOTH OF ME.
SO, LIKE, FAREWELL
AND AU REVOIR,
AND 1, 2, CHA CHA
CHA. 1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
- HOLD IT, BOY.
- OH, LET GO, MR. G.
YOU'RE CHEATING.
YOU PROMISED YOU'D GIVE
ME ANYTHING THE CHICK COULD.
I GOTTA HAVE SOMEBODY TO
LEAD ME IN THE CHA CHA CHA,
I JUST GOTTA.
- SO?
- SO?
- SO WHEN THE LITTLE LADY
WAS BECOMING THE BEST
CHA CHA CHA DANCER
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
FOR HER AGE, THAT IS,
WHO DO YOU THINK
WAS LEADING HER?
- YOU MEAN IT?
- SHALL WE DANCE?
- Both: 1, 2, CHA CHA
CHA. 1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
- THE TIME HAD COME
FOR THE CRUCIAL TEST.
WAS MAYNARD CURED?
COULD HE RESIST THE
BRIGHT, SHINY, SEDUCTIVE
TEMPTATIONS OF BERNADINE
AND RETURN TO LIVING LIKE THE
SWEET, UNDEMANDING MAYNARD
WE ALL KNEW AND LOVED?
THAT'S WHAT I HAD TO FIND OUT.
- THAT ENDICOTT BUILDING
IS ONE BIG WHOLE PILE OF...
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- MAYNARD, HI.
- OH, DOBE, SHE'S BACK.
KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME.
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD.
- GET LOST, YOU
BLOODTHIRSTY UMPIRE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S VAMPIRE.
AND THIS TIME, YOU'VE
GOT TO FACE HER.
- OH, NO, DOBE. SHE'LL,
LIKE, ENTICE AND LURE ME
AND TANTALIZE ME BACK
TO MY OLD WICKED WAYS.
- LISTEN TO HER.
SEE WHAT SHE WANTS.
- MAYNARD, I HAVE
TWO FRONT ROW SEATS
FOR THE THELONIOUS MONK CONCERT.
WHAT TIME YOU GONNA PICK ME UP?
- THELONIOUS MONK?
MAN, HE'S THE WILDEST.
I GOTTA GO HEAR HIM.
I SAID I JUST GOTTA GO HEAR HIM.
HEY, DOBE, AIN'T YOU
GOING TO OFFER TO TAKE ME
TO HEAR OLD THELONIOUS
SO I WON'T GO WITH HER?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- NO, DOBIE?
- NO, MAYNARD, NO MORE BRIBES.
WE DID IT FOR A WHILE
SO YOU'D HAVE TIME
TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND,
AND NOW THE HOUR OF
DECISION HAS ARRIVED.
DO YOU CHOOSE HER, THE
SHAMEFUL, DISGRACEFUL, PITIABLE LIFE,
OR US, HIGH-MINDED,
STRAIGHT, NOBLE AND PURE?
MAKE YOUR CHOICE.
- CHOOSE ME, MAYNARD.
I'LL GIVE YOU STEAK
AND LOBSTER DINNERS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SHE WILL.
- AND TONS OF STEREO RECORDS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, SHE WILL.
- IT WILL BE A LIFE OF
SHEER FUN AND PLEASURE.
- THAT'S TRUE. AND
ALL WE CAN OFFER YOU
IS FRIENDSHIP AND
HONOR AND A CHANCE
FOR YOU TO REGAIN
YOUR SELF-RESPECT.
- COME, MAYNARD, LET US AWAY.
- DOBE, I...
- YES, MAYNARD?
- YES, MAYNARD?
- I... I...
- WELL, MAYNARD?
- WELL, MAYNARD?
- I'M STAYING WITH YOU,
GOOD BUDDY. I'M CURED.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I DON'T WANT
NO MORE OF THEM FANCY DOODADS
SOMEBODY ELSE PAYS
FOR, NAMELY A CHICK.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
WONDERFUL. JUST WONDERFUL.
- MAYNARD, HAVE YOU GONE
SOFT IN THE HEAD OR SOMETHING?
I'M OFFERING YOU
ALL THE LUXURIES
A YOUNG MAN COULD WANT.
- SURE. ON ACCOUNT OF YOU
WANT SOMETHING FROM ME,
MY FACE AND MY
LOVABLE PERSONALITY,
SO YOU CAN SWING
WITH THE HOITY-TOITY SET
AND STILL KEEP YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- TRUE.
- BUT WITH DOBE
HERE, IT'S DIFFERENT.
I CAN'T DO HIM NO GOOD.
- TRUE.
- IN FACT, ALL I EVER DO
IS GIVE HIM HEADACHES,
BUT, I MEAN, HE DON'T
WANT NOTHING FROM ME
EXCEPT I SHOULD BE HIS FRIEND.
HE'S GOT NO ULTERIOR MOTIVES.
THAT'S HOW I KNOW HIS
WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY
'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY
ONE IT, LIKE, HELPS.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE A
FINE, DECENT HUMAN BEING.
- I KNOW.
- MAYNARD?
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY?
- HERE.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
[HONK]
- OH, I HOPE YOU TWO
WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
- DON'T TALK TO US,
YOU EVIL WOMAN.
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD. BERNADINE?
BERNADINE, YOU
PUT UP A GOOD FIGHT
AND YOU DESERVE A LOT OF CREDIT.
- WELL, THANK YOU,
DOBIE. YOU'RE OKAY TOO.
YOU REALLY STICK UP
FOR YOUR PRINCIPLES.
GEE, IT'S TOO BAD WE
COULDN'T HAVE MET
UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES.
- TRUE. WE MIGHT HAVE
BECOME GOOD FRIENDS.
- THAT'S QUITE POSSIBLE.
WELL, GOODBYE.
- AND DON'T COME
BACK, YOU EVIL WOMAN,
TRYING TO RUIN A SWEET,
CUDDLY, LOVABLE KID LIKE ME.
- MAYNARD.
- [HONK]
- [DOBIE SIGHS]
- BERNADINE, I DIDN'T KNOW
QUITE HOW TO SAY WHAT
I HAD TO SAY TO YOU,
AND THAT'S WHY I
BROUGHT ABIGAIL WITH ME.
- INDEED.
- ABIGAIL IS A STUDENT OF
CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGY
AT BIXBY COLLEGE FOR WOMEN.
- INDEED.
- I FEEL LIKE I'M A CAD AND
BOUNDER ABOUT ALL THIS,
OF COURSE, BERNADINE,
BUT WHEN A FELLOW FINDS
HIMSELF AN IVY LEAGUER...
- WHY DON'T YOU COME
OUT WITH IT, YA BIG PHONY?
YOU JUST CAME BACK
HERE TO TELL ME OFF.
YOU GOT YOURSELF
AN OVERSIZED HEAD
AND AN UNDERNOURISHED GIRL,
AND A SMALL-TOWN GIRL LIKE ME
JUST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU ANYMORE.
- INDEED.
- HMM, I'LL INDEED YOU, SISTER.
HERE'S YOUR RING AND YOUR PIN.
AND IF I FIND ANYTHING MORE
OF YOURS OVER AT THE HOUSE,
YOU CAN COME OVER AND I'LL
STUFF 'EM DOWN YOUR THROAT.
- CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
ZTHOSE AREN'T PAID FOR YET.
- INDEED.
- INDEED, YES, SKINNY,
AND YOU CAN HAVE HIM
WITH MY COMPLIMENTS.
I'M GONNA FIND MYSELF
A MAN WHO HAS THE GUTS
TO STICK UP FOR
WHAT HE BELIEVES IN.
- HI, BERNADINE.
- DOBIE. DOBIE, DARLING!
- ME? DOBIE, DARLING, ME?
- ROGER AND I HAVE
JUST COME TO A MUTUAL
AND HIGHLY SATISFACTORY
MISUNDERSTANDING.
- I JUST SAW, MM-HMM.
- OH, YOU'RE JUST THE
MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.
- I AM? OH, YEAH. YEAH.
I SURE AM. MM-HMM.
- DOBIE, COULDN'T WE
GO SOMEWHERE AND TALK?
- OF COURSE, MY SWEET.
YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
- OH, DOBIE, DARLING,
YOU'RE SO CUTE.
- YOU ARE THE
MOON AND THE STARS.
- YOU'RE SO ROMANTIC.
- YOU ARE POETRY.
- BUT YOU'RE SO
IMPETUOUS, MY SWEET.
WE'VE ONLY JUST MET. HOW
CAN WE SPEAK OF MARRIAGE?
- WHEN TWO PEOPLE
ARE IN LOVE, MY PEARL,
IT'S NEVER TOO SOON
TO SPEAK OF MARRIAGE.
- TRUE.
- YES.
- ROGER, THAT MEATHEAD...
- YEAH.
- AND I, WE HAD OUR INITIALS
ENGRAVED ON EVERYTHING
SINCE THE DAY WE MET.
- HMM.
- GOOD HEAVENS, I ORDERED A
SILVER SERVING TRAY YESTERDAY.
I MUST CALL THEM
AND HAVE OUR INITIALS
ENGRAVED ON IT.
- YES. OH, VOILÀ, VOILÀ.
MY... A DIME FOR THE PHONE.
- OH, I'LL RUSH RIGHT BACK.
- EACH SECOND WILL
SEEM LIKE AN ETERNITY,
MY SWEET QUESTING BEAST.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
SIT DOWN. LOOK, MAYNARD...
- OH, HEY, HEY, I SEE
YOU ORDERED FOR ME.
- I HAVE SOME WONDERFUL
NEWS TO TELL YOU.
- BERNADINE AND I...
- BERNADINE?
- YEAH.
- MY FORMER SERPENT
IN THE GARDEN OF, LIKE, EDEN?
- WELL, YEAH. YEAH.
- MAN, I'M SURE GLAD YOU
NEVER FLIPPED FOR HER, DOBE.
REMEMBER ONCE HOW I THOUGHT
YOU WAS MAKING UP EVERYTHING
ABOUT HELPING ME JUST
SO YOU COULD GET HER?
OH, MAN, I'M SURE GLAD IT
TURNED OUT I WAS WRONG
BECAUSE IF I EVER
FOUND YOU AND BERNADINE
WERE, LIKE, HACKING
AROUND TOGETHER,
THEN I'D NEVER EVER TRUST YOU
OR ANY OTHER HUMAN
PERSON EVER AGAIN.
NEVER EVER, NEVER EVER.
I MEAN... I MEAN, I'D LOSE
MY WHOLE FAITH IN HUMANITY,
AND I'D GO BACK
TO MY WICKED WAYS
OF BEING A NO-GOOD GIGOLO.
- HMM.
- BUT, DOBE, YOU'RE GOOD
AND TRUE AND PURE OF HEART,
AND YOU ONLY WANTED TO HELP ME.
AND THAT'S HOW COME I'LL
ALWAYS BELIEVE YOU AND TRUST YOU.
AND, DOBE, I'D GIVE
YOU ANYTHING I OWNED.
- HMM.
- OH, YEAH. HEY, DOBE,
DOBE, YOU WANNA
BORROW MY PETRIFIED FROG?
- NO.
- DOBIE, I... OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- OH, GET LOST, CHICK.
- LOOK, BERNADINE,
THERE'S SOMETHING I GOTTA...
- RIGHT, DOBE?
- YEAH. YEAH. GET LOST, CHICK.
- WHAT? DOBIE!
- CUT OUT, SCOOT LIKE
A BUNNY, RIGHT, DOBE?
- YEAH. LIKE A BUNNY.
- WELL, I NEVER.
- I NEVER DID EITHER.
SO, LIKE, HAIL AND
FAREWELL, RIGHT, DOBE?
- YEAH. LIKE... LIKE,
HAIL AND FAREWELL.
- MEN!
- AH, CHICKS, WHO
NEEDS THEM ANYHOW?
WE ALWAYS GOT EACH
OTHER, RIGHT, GOOD BUDDY?
- I'M AFRAID SO,
MAYNARD. I'M AFRAID SO.
- NO, MAYNARD.
THIS TIME YOU LEAD.
- OH, YEAH. READY? 1,
- Both: 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.
1, 2, CHA CHA CHA.