The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 3 - Move Over, Perry Mason - full transcript
Because Dobie learns in his law class that everyone is protected by the law, Herbert encourages Maynard to sue for any injuries he may sustain, which are many. The most frequent of those injuries are from slipping on the streetcar tracks, which he does all the time. Herbert changes his mind when Maynard gets his hand caught in the broken gum-ball machine in Gillis Store, which results in Maynard mildly spraining his wrist. Upon quick thought, Maynard decides not to sue since the Gillises are like family to him. But Maynard is encouraged by their law professor, Brinkerhoff, to sue since the moneys will not come directly from the Gillis family but rather the insurance company. The insurance company, who are represented by Chester L. Wayzack, believe Maynard has a case until they meet him and learn from big mouthed Dobie that Maynard is accident prone. As such, they have no intention on paying a claim. This irks Professor Brinkerhoff, who agrees to represent Maynard in court. Although Herbert wants Maynard to get a settlement, he will only go so far to prove that Maynard has a case indirectly against him.
- DAD? DAD, DID YOU
SEE A BOOK CALLED
"LEGAL ETHICS AND PRINCIPLES
OF THE ANGLO-SAXON
JUDICIARY SYSTEM"?
- NO. I'M GONNA
WAIT AND CATCH IT
WHEN THE MOVIE COMES OUT.
- IT'S THE TEXTBOOK FOR
THIS LEGAL PRINCIPLES COURSE
I'M TAKING FROM
PROFESSOR BRINKERHOFF.
PRETTY WILD TOO.
HE SAYS THAT THE LAW
PROTECTS EVERYBODY,
NO MATTER HOW TACKY,
LOWLY, SHABBY, WORTHLESS...
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD. YOU'RE EARLY.
- AND I'D HAVE BEEN EARLIER,
EXCEPT I HAD A SLIGHT DELAY.
- I KNOW. YOU SLIPPED
AND FELL DOWN
ON THE STREETCAR
TRACKS AT NINTH AND MAIN.
- YOU'RE WRONG, DOBE.
- NOW, MAYNARD, DON'T BE SILLY.
YOU KNOW THAT EVERY MORNING
YOU SLIP ON THE STREETCAR
TRACKS AT NINTH AND MAIN.
PEOPLE SET THEIR WATCHES BY IT.
- NOT THIS MORNING, DOBE.
- YOU SLIPPED ON THE STREETCAR
TRACKS AT EIGHTH AND MAIN?
- I DIDN'T SLIP ON THE
STREETCAR TRACKS AT ALL.
- MAYNARD, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- I FELL DOWN A MANHOLE.
- FELL DOWN A MANHOLE?
SUE 'EM, MAYNARD! SUE 'EM!
- NOW, DAD.
- NOW NOTHING!
WEREN'T WE JUST TALKING ABOUT
THAT LEGAL PROFESSOR OF YOURS
OVER AT THE COLLEGE
AND HE WAS SAYING THAT...
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- YEAH, BRINKERHOFF.
- YEAH. WELL, HE WAS SAYING
THAT THE LAW IS THE
LAW FOR EVERYBODY,
EVEN 10-THUMB KNUCKLEHEADS
LIKE MAYNARD HERE, NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, BUT
WHO AM I GONNA SUE?
- THE CITY.
- OH, YOU'RE JOSHING, AIN'T
YOU, MR. G.? I LOVE THIS CITY.
I LOVE ITS STREETS AND
ALLEYS, ITS HILLS AND VALLEYS,
ITS PARKS AND SEWERS.
IT'S MY CITY.
- NOW, HEAR ME AND
HEAR ME GOOD, BOY.
IF YOU'RE EVER GONNA
AMOUNT TO ANYTHING,
YOU HAVE TO THINK BIG.
NEVER SUE FOR ANYTHING
LESS THAN A MILLION.
TAKE FESSER...
- OVER ON RIVER STREET?
- THAT'S THE GUY.
GOT HIS FOOT CAUGHT
IN THE DOOR OF A BUS,
SUED THE COMPANY
FOR A MILLION BUCKS.
- LIKE, WOW! AND HE GOT
A MILLION BUCKS, HUH?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
AS IT TURNED OUT,
HE HAD TO GIVE THE BUS COMPANY
$16 FOR BUSTING THEIR DOOR,
BUT HE HAD A MISERABLE LAWYER.
OH, IF HE'D HAVE
HAD A GOOD LAWYER,
HE'D HAVE GOTTEN A FORTUNE!
- LIKE, WOW, A MILLION BUCKS!
OH, MAN! I'M, LIKE, LOADED!
- DIAMOND JIM...
- YOU RANG?
- BEFORE YOU START
SPENDING THE MONEY,
YOU'VE GOTTA PROVE THAT
FALLING DOWN THE MANHOLE
WAS THE CITY'S FAULT.
- SURE, IT WAS.
THEY DUG IT RIGHT IN FRONT
OF WHERE I WAS WALKING,
DIDN'T THEY?
- MM-HMM. YES, MAYNARD.
WAS THERE ANY KIND OF
WARNING SIGN IN FRONT OF IT?
- JUST A LITTLE BITTY ONE.
AND ALL IT SAID
WAS, "NO TRAPPING."
I GUESS IT MUST BE THE
BEAVER SEASON OR SOMETHING.
- NO TRAPPING?
- YEAH.
AND SOME DUMBBELL
COULDN'T EVEN SPELL.
HE PUT A LOT OF Ss
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
- RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE, YEAH. YEAH.
MAYNARD, THAT WAS,
"NO TRESPASSING,"
AND YOU JUST LOST YOUR CASE.
- OH.
I DIDN'T WANNA TAKE ANY MONEY
FROM THIS DEAR CITY ANYHOW.
- NO.
- I LOVE THIS CITY.
- SURE, MAYNARD. COME
ON. I'LL GRAB MY BOOKS
AND WE'LL GO TO SCHOOL.
- I WANNA GET SOME GUM.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- SON, IS THIS THE BOOK
YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?
- OH, YEAH. THANKS, DAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D DO WITHOUT YOU.
- OH, NEITHER DO I, BUT
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT
MAKES MY WHOLE DAY.
- LIKE, HELP! HELP! OW!
OO-OOH, IT'S GOT ME!
- WHAT'S HE GOTTEN INTO NOW?
- I PUT MY PENNY IN THE
MACHINE AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
SO I THOUGHT... LET GO, YOU RAT!
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD,
STOP CLOWNING AROUND
AND TAKE YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE.
- I LIKE TRIED TO,
BUT IT'S LIKE STUCK!
- STUCK? IT IS NOT!
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
- CAREFUL, DAD.
- IT'S RIDICULOUS! IT'S...
IT'S STUCK!
HERE, COME IN HERE.
NOW GET AHOLD OF HIM, DOBIE!
- COULDN'T WE LIKE
LEAVE IT LIKE IT IS?
PLEASE? I MEAN, PLEASE?
- DOBE, WHEN I TELL
YOU TO PULL, PULL!
- LOOK, MR. G. I COULD BE
THE FIRST KID ON MY BLOCK
WITH A GLASS BOXING GLOVE!
- OKAY, DOBIE, PULL!
- YOU ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD?
- YEAH, I'M, LIKE, FINE, MR. G.
THERE IS ONE
THING, AND I ALMOST,
LIKE, HATE TO MENTION IT.
- WELL, SPEAK UP, BOY, SPEAK UP.
- I'M, LIKE, TAKING YOUR ADVICE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I'M SUING YOU FOR
A MILLION DOLLARS.
- MAYNARD!
[JAZZ THEME]
- MAYNARD SUE MY DAD?
SWEET, LOVABLE,
WARM-HEARTED MAYNARD?
THAT'S TOO RIDICULOUS
TO EVEN THINK ABOUT.
OH, I KNOW HE SAID
HE WAS GOING TO,
BUT THAT WASN'T MAYNARD.
THAT WAS THE PAIN SPEAKING.
I KNEW THAT WHEN HE
CAME TO HIS SENSES,
HE'D CHANGE HIS MIND
ABOUT SUING FOR A MILLION.
- I'VE COME TO MY SENSES
AND CHANGED MY MIND
ABOUT SUING YOU
FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.
- I KNEW IT.
- I'M GONNA SUE FOR 2 MILLION.
- 2 MILLION? FOR WHAT?
- WELL, I WOULDN'T
WANNA MAKE AN ISSUE OF IT,
BUT I THINK MY
HAND'S ON BACKWARDS.
- YOUR HAND? YOUR
HEAD IS ON BACKWARDS!
THAT IS JUST A
SIMPLE, LITTLE SPRAIN.
MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT!
- DAD, LET ME HANDLE
THIS. MAYNARD?
- PRESENT.
- MAYNARD, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU,
TALKING ABOUT SUING DAD.
WHY, YOU'RE ONE OF THE FAMILY!
REMEMBER WHEN WE
WERE LITTLE BITTY KIDS?
IT WAS ME FOR YOU
AND YOU FOR ME.
- AND TEA FOR TWO
AND TWO FOR TEA.
- MAYNARD, LISTEN,
YOU WERE PRACTICALLY
BROUGHT UP IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU WERE LIKE ONE OF THE FAMILY.
WHY, DAD WAS LIKE A
SECOND FATHER TO YOU.
- LIKE TRUE.
- THAT'S RIGHT!
- SECOND DADDY!
- NEVER MIND!
I'M BETTER OFF TO BE SUED.
- MAYNARD, DON'T YOU
REMEMBER WE SHARED EVERYTHING,
OUR JOYS, OUR SORROWS...
- OUR MEASLES, OUR MUMPS.
OH, DOBE, I BEEN
LIKE A BLIND FOOL.
NO, MAKE IT A DIRTY RAT
AND I, LIKE, HATE MYSELF.
MR. G., CAN YOU EVER,
LIKE, FORGIVE ME?
- NO LAWSUITS?
- AGAINST MY OWN SECOND DADDY?
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT!
- ALL I WANNA DO IS BE A
MEMBER OF THE FAMILY AGAIN
AND KEEP IN TUNE LIKE THAT.
- FOR A MEMBER THE FAMILY,
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN, BOY.
- DAD.
- NEVER MIND. I
WAS JUST KIDDING.
OKAY, MAYNARD, YOU'RE FORGIVEN.
- OH, YOU'RE LIKE A
REAL HUMAN BEING, MR. G.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT
SUCH A BAD KID YOURSELF.
- GEE, I'M LIKE PRETTY MISTY.
- WE'D BETTER START FOR SCHOOL
BEFORE WE ALL GET
TOO MISTY TO TRAVEL.
PROFESSOR BRINKERHOFF
HATES IT WHEN WE'RE LATE.
- WELL, SO LONG.
- YEAH, SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
- SECOND DADDY!
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT!
- AN OLD FOGEY, THAT'S
WHAT YOU THINK I AM.
YOU PROBABLY THINK THE
LAW COURTS ARE COMPOSED
OF A LOT OF OLD FOGIES
BLOWING DUST OFF A
LOT OF MUSTY BOOKS.
BUT YOU'RE WRONG.
THE LAW COURTS ARE
BATTLEFIELDS FOR JUSTICE.
AND A GOOD LAWYER
IS A GOOD FIGHTER!
HE'S IN THERE
PUNCHING ALL THE TIME,
FIGHTING FOR THE RIGHTS
OF THE UNDERDOG, THE POOR,
THE MEEK AND THE MISERABLE.
- YOU RANG?
- NOW, WHEN I WAS
PRACTICING LAW,
THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE
WORLD THAT I LIKED BETTER
THAN A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED
KNOCKDOWN, DRAG-OUT
DAMAGE SUIT!
- HEY, DOBE, LOOK AT
THE SWINGIN' BANDAGE
I GOT OVER AT THE INFIRMARY.
- NOT THAT A...
BANDAGE? INFIRMARY?
ACCIDENT? WHO'S HURT?
- LIKE ME, PROFESSOR,
YOUR HONOR, SIR.
I CAUGHT MY HAND IN A
CHEWING GUM MACHINE.
- WHAT'S THAT? YOU CAUGHT
YOUR HAND IN A GUM MACHINE?
- IT WAS NOTHING,
PROFESSOR, NOTHING AT ALL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOTHING?
WHEN DOES YOUR CASE COME UP?
- HEY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- YOU'RE OUT OF
ORDER, MR. GILLIS.
WILL YOU LET THE WITNESS
ANSWER? YOU ARE SUING, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, SIR. I COULDN'T
BE SUCH A DIRTY RAT.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- I MEAN, I'M PRACTICALLY
ONE OF THE FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, TEA FOR
TWO AND TWO FOR TEA.
- TWO FOR TEA?
- YOU WOULD'VE HAD TO BE THERE.
WHAT MAYNARD'S
TRYING TO SAY, SIR,
IS THAT HE HAD THIS ACCIDENT
IN MY FATHER'S STORE.
- I UNDERSTAND THE LAW, SIR!
AND THIS SOUNDS
TO ME LIKE COLLUSION!
MALFEASANCE!
NONFEASANCE! INTIMIDATION!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
- I PLEAD GUILTY
AND THROW MYSELF
ON THE MERCY OF THE COURT!
DON'T SEND ME TO PRISON!
LIKE, PLEASE! PLEASE!
- RIDICULOUS, MR. KREBS.
YOU'RE THE INJURED PARTY.
- I AM?
- WHY, YOU SUFFERED
BODILY INJURY, DIDN'T YOU?
- YEAH. NOT ONLY THAT,
I HURT MY HAND TOO.
- AND TO SAY NOTHING
OF THE NERVOUS SHOCK.
- AND TO SAY NOTHING MY
HAND'S LIKE ON BACKWARDS.
- MAYNARD.
- THERE'S VERY LITTLE DEMAND
FOR BACKWARD-HANDED
BONGO PLAYERS.
- THAT'S YOUR VOCATION?
- NO, SIR.
I DON'T GET MY
VOCATION TILL JUNE.
- BONGO PLAYING?
IS THAT YOUR WORK?
- WORK!
- MAYNARD.
- WHAT I'M TRYING TO
POINT OUT, MR. KREBS,
IS THAT YOU'RE
SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
- A GOLD MINE?
- MAYNARD, IT'S A
FIGURE OF SPEECH!
- I SEEM TO RECALL ANOTHER CASE.
IT WAS WITHERSPOON VS. THE
AMALGAMATED GUMDROP MACHINE,
THE SAME THING. A MAN
GOT HIS HAND CAUGHT
IN A GUMDROP MACHINE.
THE DAMAGES... $100,000.
- 100,000 GUMDROPS?
[CLASS BELL RINGS]
- WILL YOU WAIT AFTER?
CLASS IS DISMISSED.
- DID YOU HEAR THAT,
DOBE? A GOLD MINE.
I CAN GET A NEW SET OF
BONGOS AND A BICYCLE
WITH A TWO-TONE HORN.
- GREAT, MAYNARD.
YOU CAN RIDE IT OUT
TO THE POORHOUSE
AND BLOW IT WHEN YOU COME
VISITING THE GILLIS FAMILY.
- POORHOUSE? I WOULDN'T
LET YOU GO THERE.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SENDING US THERE!
- IN MY OPINION, MR. KREBS,
YOU HAVE AN IRONCLAD CASE.
MY SUGGESTION TO
YOU IS TO SUE THEM.
FIGHT, BOY! FIGHT!
- NO, SIR, PROFESSOR,
YOUR HONOR, SIR.
I COULDN'T DO
THAT TO MR. GILLIS.
- YOU DON'T THINK MR. GILLIS
HAS TO PAY THOSE
DAMAGES, DO YOU?
- WELL, I'M A LITTLE
SHORT MYSELF, SIR.
- OF COURSE NOT!
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
PAYS THE DAMAGES.
YOUR FATHER IS
INSURED, ISN'T HE?
- WAIT A MINUTE. SURE, HE IS!
- THEN YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER.
- LIKE, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WANT ME TO SUE
THE INSURANCE COMPANY?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I LOVE THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
THEY GOT THAT NICE
NEW BUILDING DOWNTOWN
AND A BENCH OUTSIDE WHERE
I SIT AND WAIT FOR THE BUS.
THEY GOT A LITTLE
POOL FULL OF GOLDFISH.
OH, THEY'RE CUTE
LITTLE GOLDFISH,
AND THEY'RE ALL
WIGGLING AND GURGLING.
- MR. KREBS, YOU
WON'T HAVE TO SUE.
IN THE FIRST PLACE, I THINK
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
WILL PAY YOUR CLAIM
WITHOUT ARGUMENT.
REMEMBER, INSURANCE
COMPANIES ARE ONLY TOO HAPPY
TO PAY ALL JUST CLAIMS
PROMPTLY AND CHEERFULLY.
- THEY'RE HAPPY?
- OF COURSE.
- WELL, OKAY THEN, 'CAUSE
THAT'S WHAT I WANT THEM TO BE,
IS HAPPY, YEAH.
- YES.
- OH, I LOVE THAT
INSURANCE COMPANY.
DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT THE GOLDFISH?
THEY'RE ALL WIGGLING
AND GURGLING.
- YES. YES, YOU TOLD
ME. YOU'VE DONE THAT!
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
WE'RE DUE AT THE INSUR...
- I HAD TO STOP OFF
AT THE DRUGSTORE
TO GET THESE LIKE SUPPLIES.
WILL YOU HELP ME
TIE THIS UP, PLEASE?
- I WOULD NOT. DO YOU
KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
FRAUD.
- NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S JUST A SNEAKY
TRICK TO GET MORE MONEY
OUT OF THAT INSURANCE COMPANY.
BOY, WE'RE REALLY
GONNA GOUGE THEM, HUH?
REALLY SOCK IT TO
THEM, HUH, DOBE?
- WE ARE NOT.
WE'RE GOING UP THERE AND
PRESENT AN HONEST CASE.
WE GET AN HONEST SETTLEMENT
LIKE HONEST GENTLEMEN.
- WELL, WOULD IT BE OKAY
WHEN WE'RE UP THERE
I GIVE LIKE AN HONEST
GROAN ONCE IN A WHILE?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I
SUPPOSE IT'D BE ALL RIGHT
AS LONG AS IT'S HONEST AND
MANLY AND NOT TOO LOUD.
- THAT'S JUST
WHAT IT'LL BE, DOBE,
HONEST AND MANLY. AND
YOU'LL BARELY HEAR IT,
LIKE JOHN WAYNE WHEN HE'S
GOT AN ARROW IN HIS SHOULDER.
HE'D RATHER DIE THAN HAVE
CHILL WILLS THINK HE'S CHICKEN.
- WELL, AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T
SOUND PHONY. LET'S HEAR IT.
- OWW-OOO!
- NO GOOD, MAYNARD.
IF YOU CAN'T DO ANY
BETTER THAN THAT, FORGET IT.
- I GOT A LOT MORE, DOBE.
I GOT A LOT MORE. LISTEN.
OW! OOH!
WHEN I GET TO ONE
YOU LIKE, STOP ME.
OWW... [WHIMPERS]
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
IT. THAT'S JUST RIGHT!
MAYNARD, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
YOU CAN STOP NOW.
MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT!
- EXCUSE ME, MAYNARD. COME ON.
- NOW WHERE WAS I, MISS JONES?
- "DEAR MR. JOHNSON,
IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU
"WHO ARE DRIVING THE
INSURANCE COMPANIES
"OUT OF BUSINESS.
THREE ACCIDENTS IN THE LAST
YEAR IS A DISGRACEFUL RECORD."
- EVEN THOUGH YOU
ARE A LION TAMER.
WE ARE REJECTING
YOUR LATEST CLAIM
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
YOU'RE A CLUMSY OAF,
A CARELESS NITWIT,
AND AN ACCIDENT-PRONE
CHOWDERHEAD!
SIGN THAT, WARMEST REGARDS.
- YES, SIR.
OH, THERE'S A MR. KREBS
DUE IN A FEW MINUTES.
- OH, YES. WELL,
THAT'S THE GILLIS CLAIM.
THAT SOUNDS LEGITIMATE,
THANK GOODNESS.
YOU GET THEM STARTED.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.
MY NAME IS GILLIS,
AND THIS IS MR. KREBS.
WE'RE IN A BIG
HURRY AND MR. KR...
HELLO.
- I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
- WHAT'S THE RUSH, MY
DEAR? AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE
TO CHECK YOUR LEAVE PAPERS.
AND DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
NOT ON FURLOUGH FROM HEAVEN.
I KNOW AN ANGEL WHEN I SEE ONE.
- OOH! OH!
- NOT NOW, MAYNARD.
THERE'S A BRAVE FELLA.
SALT OF THE EARTH,
BUT A COMPLAINER.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
- NO PLACE, MR. GILLIS.
EXCUSE ME. I HAVE TO GET
MR. KREBS' ACCIDENT RECORD.
- OH, JUST A MOMENT!
IF YOU WANNA GET A
RECORD OF HIS ACCIDENTS,
I'M THE ONE YOU WANNA TALK TO.
OF COURSE, IT MAY TAKE DAYS,
EVEN WEEKS, PERHAPS MONTHS.
- MR. KREBS HAS HAD
A LOT OF ACCIDENTS?
- LOT OF ACCIDENTS?
- YEAH, HAVE I HAD A LOT
OF ACCIDENTS! HA HA HA.
- HE'S HAD SO MANY ACCIDENTS
THEY GET MIXED UP IN HIS MIND.
- YOU SHOULD EXCUSE
THE EXPRESSION.
- FORTUNATELY, DUE TO
A STEEL-TRAP MEMORY,
I CAN HELP YOU,
ACCIDENT BY ACCIDENT.
- ALL RIGHT, MISS JONES.
- I WAS JUST EXPLAINING TO
THIS LOVELY YOUNG LADY...
- YES, I HEARD. WITH
A LINE LIKE THAT,
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ABLE TO LAND A WHALE!
I'M WAYZACK, CHIEF ATTORNEY
FOR THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- YEAH, WELL, TAKE
NOTES, MISS JONES.
I THINK WE CAN DISPOSE
OF THIS CASE VERY QUICKLY.
- LIK, CRAZY, 'CAUSE THEY
GOT A SALE ON BONGO DRUMS
AND BICYCLES WITH
TWO-TONE HORNS.
AND IF COULD...
- OH, I SEE, MR. KREBS.
WELL, I'M INTERESTED IN HEARING
YOUR HISTORY OF ACCIDENTS.
- YOU'RE LIKE
INTERESTED IN ACCIDENTS?
- YES. ACCIDENTS
ARE MY BUSINESS.
LIKE THE SCULPTOR THRILLS
AT RODIN'S "THE THINKER,"
THE PAINTER WITH
THE "MONA LISA,"
I AM MOVED BY THE SPRAINED
ANKLE, THE MASHED THUMB.
- I DON'T EVEN COUNT
LITTLE BITTY ONES LIKE THAT.
- WHAT DO YOU COUNT?
- OH, LIKE WHEN I SLIP ON
THE STREETCAR TRACKS.
- OH, YOU SLIP ON
STREETCAR TRACKS, DO YOU?
- YEAH, OR FALL DOWN MANHOLES
OR GET MY BEARD CAUGHT
IN THE PRESSURE COOKER.
- BEARD CAUGHT IN
THE PRESSURE COOKER?
- YEAH.
- MAYNARD,
ALL MR. WAYZACK WANTS TO DO
IS HEAR ABOUT YOUR ACCIDENT
SO HE CAN GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
- OH, YEAH, THE
MONEY. I, LIKE, FORGOT.
OOH! [WHIMPERING]
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH! THE PAIN.
- CAME ON RATHER
SUDDENLY, DIDN'T IT?
- WELL, IT COMES AND GOES
LIKE AN ALTERNATING CURRENT.
- YEAH, BUT IT'S NOTHING THAT
$5 MILLION WOULDN'T CURE.
- OH, YOU'D SETTLE FOR
$5 MILLION, WOULD YOU?
- WELL, I AIN'T SAYING
YES, AND I AIN'T SAYING NO.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I AIN'T SAYING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING, MR. KREBS?
LIKE ALTERNATING
CURRENTS, YOU'VE COME.
AND LIKE ALTERNATING
CURRENTS, YOU GO.
BOTH OF YOU!
- GO?
- FAREWELL! AUF
WIEDERSEHEN! AU REVOIR!
- BUT WE HAVEN'T GOT THE MONEY.
- EXACTLY! SAYONARA!
- YOU MEAN, NO 5 MILLION?
- NO 5 CENTS! WE'RE
FIGHTING THIS CLAIM
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
YOU'RE ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- YOU'LL HEAR FROM OUR
ATTORNEYS ABOUT THIS!
- NOT ONLY THAT,
WE MIGHT EVEN SUE!
- WE MIGHT EVEN...
- DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
TAKE SOME HEARTFELT
ADVICE AND DON'T.
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE, IF
UNFORTUNATE, YOUNG MAN.
OUR ATTORNEYS WILL CLOBBER
YOU. THEY'LL CUT YOU TO PIECES.
- OH, YEAH? WELL,
WE'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!
- AND THAT GOES, LIKE, DOUBLE!
- MAYNARD...
- NO. IT'S NO USE, DOBE.
EVER SINCE THIS THING
STARTED, I CAN'T SLEEP.
I'M HAVING NIGHTMARES,
I'M NERVOUS, JUMPY.
LOOK OUT! LOOK
OUT! A BOMB! A BOMB!
- MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, IT WAS JUST A BASEBALL.
- OH, EXCUSE ME. I
DIDN'T MEAN TO INTRUDE.
- YOU'RE NOT INTRUDING.
YOU'RE NOT INTRUDING.
- UGLIEST GIRL I EVER SAW!
- FRESH KID. DO YOU MIND?
DO YOU MIND, PLEASE? EXCUSE US.
YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN, MAYNARD?
YOU'RE ALL NERVOUS
ABOUT NOTHING.
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING PERSONAL
AGAINST YOU.
- YEAH?
THEN HOW COME THEY WANNA GET
ME UP ON THE STAND AND CLOBBER ME?
THEM SHARP LAWYERS
WILL TEAR ME TO PIECES.
- SO? WE'LL GET A
SHARP LAWYER TOO.
- BUT THEIR LAWYERS
ARE LIKE THE SHARPEST!
ALL THEY GOTTA DO IS
HEAR THE WORD ACCIDENT.
- ACCIDENT? WHERE'S
THE ACCIDENT?
ACCIDENT? ACCIDENT? WHO'S HURT?
WHERE'S THE... OH, IT'S YOU.
HOW'D YOU COME OUT WITH
THE INSURANCE COMPANY?
- WE DIDN'T. THEY'RE
FIGHTING IT AND...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU
HANDLING THE CASE?
- OH, NO! IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS
SINCE I PRACTICED LAW.
I'M A TEACHER NOW.
ON WHAT BASIS ARE
THEY REFUSING PAYMENT?
- THEY SAID I WAS AN
ACCIDENTAL PRUNE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- THEIR DEFENSE
IS ACCIDENT-PRONE?
- YES, SIR.
- WELL, I'LL TAKE THE
CASE! WE'RE AS GOOD AS IN!
THEY'RE BASING THEIR DEFENSE
ON A LOT OF MUMBO-JUMBO!
- MAYNARD, WE'RE IN!
THEY'LL NEVER CLOBBER YOU
WITH PROFESSOR BRINKERHOFF
HANDLING THE CASE.
- YEAH. I CAN HEAR THAT
TWO-TONE BICYCLE HORN NOW.
- WHY, WE CAN'T LOSE!
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS BE SURE
HE MAKES A GOOD PRESENTATION
IN THE COURTROOM.
ALL HE HAS TO DO IS LOOK
BRIGHT AND SHARP AND ALERT
AND INTELLIGENT, AND WE'RE DEAD!
ALL WE CAN DO NOW IS
TO DEPEND ON THE FACT
THAT THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- WHAT?
- THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- I'LL BUY THAT. THERE'S
NO SUCH THING AS...
ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- ACCIDENT PRONE?
- EXACTLY. THAT'S WHY WE'RE
TAKING THIS CASE TO COURT.
- COURT? FOR WHAT?
- WE TAKE ALL THESE SIMPLE
NUISANCE CASES TO COURT.
- WELL, I'D BE THE
FIRST ONE TO AGREE
THAT MAYNARD'S PRETTY
SIMPLE, AND HE'S ALSO A NUISANCE.
BUT WHY MAKE A FEDERAL
CASE OUT OF THIS?
- BECAUSE IT'S MY
DUTY AS AN EMPLOYEE
AND A LOYAL AMERICAN TO FIGHT
THESE UNWARRANTED CLAIMS!
- I DON'T CARE.
HE IS A SWEET, LOVABLE,
WARMHEARTED KID.
SO HE GOT HIS HAND
CAUGHT IN THE GUM MACHINE.
HOW MUCH IS IT GONNA COST
YOU FOR A LITTLE SPRAIN?
- HOW MUCH? I'LL TELL YOU
HOW MUCH IT'S GONNA COST.
LET ME SEE NOW HERE.
SPRAIN, SPRAIN, ELBOW,
ANKLE, SHOULDER.
OH, HERE WE ARE. SPRAINED WRIST.
- ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH?
- OH, NOT A WHOLE
LOT OF MONEY, GILLIS.
- OH, CHEAPSKATES.
- OH, THIS KREBS
IS A CLUMSY OAF,
AND HE DOESN'T DESERVE A CENT!
MONEY DOESN'T GROW
ON TREES, YOU KNOW!
- HE IS A SWEET, LOVABLE,
WARM-HEARTED KID,
AND HE OUGHT TO
GET A CHUNK OF DOUGH!
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT TO HIM THEN?
- ME? MONEY DON'T GROW
ON TREES, YOU KNOW!
- YOU WERE JUST SAYING THAT
WE WERE A BUNCH OF CHEAPSKATES!
- NOW LISTEN, BUSTER!
HOW MUCH WOULD IT COST
ME TO GIVE YOU A PUNCH
RIGHT IN THE NOSE?
- JUST A MINUTE.
PINCH, PINCH, PINCH... PUNCH.
OH, HERE WE ARE,
PUNCH IN THE NOSE.
WERE YOU PLANNING
TO BLACKEN BOTH EYES?
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
- WE'RE RUNNING A SPECIAL.
[MUTTERING]
I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT
TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00!
- YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN' YOU WILL
BECAUSE I INTEND TO BE
THERE AND SEE THAT MAYNARD
GETS EVERYTHING
THAT'S COMING TO HIM!
- WELL, THE TRIAL
STARTED AT 9:00 SHARP.
AND BY 9:01,
THINGS WEREN'T LOOKING
TOO RED HOT FOR MAYNARD.
- NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT,
YOU'RE THE LOCAL DRUGGIST,
MR. FORTESCUE?
- I WAS. RETIRED LAST WEEK.
- RETIRED ON WHAT?
- ON THE MONEY I MADE
SELLING BANDAGES AND IODINE
TO MAYNARD G. KREBS THERE.
KID HAD MORE ACCIDENTS
THAN ANY KID I EVER SAW.
- THAT WAS BAD ENOUGH.
BUT IT GOT WORSE
WHEN THEY CALLED IN
THIS REPRESENTATIVE
FROM THE RED CROSS.
- YES. WE ON THE EXECUTIVE
COUNCIL OF THE RED CROSS
HAVE LONG BEEN
AWARE OF THE EXISTENCE
OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
IN FACT, AND I DON'T THINK
I'M SPEAKING PREMATURELY,
WE ARE SERIOUSLY
CONSIDERING DECLARING HIM
A PERMANENT DISASTER AREA.
- AND THEN TO MAKE IT
WORSE, THEY CALLED ON
OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL
PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER.
THAT REALLY HURT.
- COACH, WE'D LIKE TO
FIND OUT SOMETHING
ABOUT THE PHYSICAL
COORDINATION OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- COORDINATION?
- WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS
HOW DID MAYNARD MAKE
OUT ON THE ATHLETIC FIELD?
- WELL, THAT'S KINDA HARD TO
SAY BECAUSE, IN FOUR YEARS,
MAYNARD NEVER GOT AS
FAR AS THE ATHLETIC FIELD.
HE ALWAYS MANAGED TO SLIP
AND FALL DOWN IN
THE LOCKER ROOM.
- YOUR HONOR, IT
SEEMS QUITE CLEAR
THAT MAYNARD G. KREBS IS
NOT ENTITLED TO ANY DAMAGES
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
HE IS OBVIOUSLY GUILTY
OF GROSS CONTRIBUTORY
NEGLIGENCE.
HE IS ABSOLUTELY UNCOORDINATED
AND COMPLETELY ACCIDENT-PRONE.
HE SLIPS, FALLS, TRIPS AND
BREAKS THINGS CONSTANTLY.
WE REST OUR CASE.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL
THIS HULLABALOO, MAYNARD.
IF I HAD MY WAY,
THEY'D JUST PAY YOU OFF
AND FORGET THE WHOLE THING.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, MR. G.
- WELL, YOU'RE A PRETTY SWEET,
LOVABLE, WARM-HEARTED
KID YOURSELF.
AND I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE
WHILE THEY CLOBBER YOU.
- WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA
SIT WHILE THEY CLOBBER ME?
YOU COULD, LIKE, SIT HERE
BECAUSE I GOTTA GO UP
THERE AND BE A WITLESS.
- MAYNARD, THE WORD IS
WITNESS, BUT YOU MAY BE RIGHT.
NOW, LISTEN. THIS IS THE
WAY WE'RE GONNA HANDLE IT.
WHILE YOU'RE UP THERE
TELLING YOUR STORY,
I'M GONNA BE DOWN HERE AGREEING.
- BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
ON THE INSURANCE COMPANY'S SIDE.
- IT'S JUST THAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
ON THE INSURANCE COMPANY'S SIDE.
BUT WHEN THAT JUDGE
HEARS ME AGREEING
WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY,
HE'S GOTTA KNOW
YOU'RE ON THE UP AND UP
AND GIVE YOU EVERY PENNY
THAT'S COMING TO YOU.
- YOU'RE LIKE A REAL
HUMAN BEING, MR. G.
- MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT,
THE FIRST WITNESS I
WOULD LIKE TO CALL
IS THE PLAINTIFF,
MR. MAYNARD G. KREBS.
WILL YOU TAKE THE STAND, PLEASE?
- WITNESS IS SWORN.
YOU MAY PROCEED.
- WELL, YOUR HONOR,
I INTEND TO PROVE
THAT EVERYTHING MY FRIEND,
THE LEARNED COUNSELOR, HAS SAID
IS A LOT OF HOGWASH.
I WILL PROVE THAT
MAYNARD G. KREBS,
THE PLAINTIFF, IS UTTERLY
BLAMELESS IN THIS MATTER
AND SHOULD BE AWARDED
THE FULL AMOUNT OF DAMAGES.
NOW, MR. KREBS, WILL YOU
DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENED
ON THE MORNING IN QUESTION?
- I WENT INTO MR. GILLIS'
GROCERY STORE
AND PUT A PENNY
IN THE GUM MACHINE.
- THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S
JUST WHAT HE DID!
- AND WHAT WAS THE
CONDITION OF THE GUM MACHINE?
- IT WAS LIKE BUSTED.
- THAT'S RIGHT! IT WAS BUSTED!
COULDN'T GET THE GUM OUT!
- NOW, WILL YOU
DESCRIBE THE CONDITION
OF MR. GILLIS' GROCERY STORE?
- NO OFFENSE, BUT
IT'S LIKE A DEATH TRAP.
- THAT'S RIGHT!
IT'S JUST LIKE...
WHAT DID HE SAY?
- WOULD YOU CARE TO
ELABORATE ON THAT STATEMENT?
- I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
A SLOPPY MESS.
AND THINGS ARE ALWAYS
LIKE FALLING DOWN ON PEOPLE,
AND THE FLOORS ARE SCROUNGY
AND THE PLASTER'S LIKE
FLAKING OFF THE WALLS.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- ORDER IN THE COURT!
[BANGING GAVEL]
- JUST A DARN DOGGONE
MINUTE, MAYNARD!
- ORDER! ORDER!
- MAN, EVERY TIME A
CUSTOMER GOES IN THERE,
HE'S LIKE TAKING
HIS LIFE IN HIS HANDS.
IT'S LIKE A REAL MESS!
- YOUR HONOR, ARE
YOU GONNA LET THIS...
- ORDER IN THE COURT!
MR. GILLIS, I WARN YOU!
GO AHEAD!
- NOW, WHEN YOU PLACED
YOUR HAND IN THE GUM MACHINE,
DID MR. GILLIS AT ANY TIME
INFORM YOU OR WARN YOU
THAT THIS WAS DANGEROUS?
- NO. HE JUST...
- WARN HIM?!
HOW DID I KNOW
WHAT HE WAS UP TO?
HE'S PRACTICALLY
NOTHIN' BUT A SHOPLIFTER
AROUND THE PLACE ANYWAY!
- MR. GILLIS!
- ALL HE DOES IS BUM
FOOD AND BREAK THINGS!
AND WHAT RIGHT DOES HE GOT
TO SUE FOR A LOT OF MONEY?
HE JUST RUNS AROUND
IN AN OLD DIRTY T-SHIRT
AND PLAYS THE BONGOS!
- THAT'S EXACTLY MY
POINT, YOUR HONOR!
WHEN THE ONLY PLEASURE
THAT A PATHETIC
CREATURE LIKE THE PLAINTIFF
CAN LOOK FORWARD TO IN
LIFE IS PLAYING THE BONGO,
AND WHEN HE'S
INJURED, WHAT'S LEFT?
THEREFORE, I URGE THAT THE COURT
AWARD HIM SUBSTANTIAL DAMAGES.
WE REST OUR CASE.
- VERY WELL. MR. WAYZACK,
DO YOU HAVE A CLOSING STATEMENT?
- YOUR HONOR, IN LIGHT OF
THE EVIDENCE PRESENTED,
IT SEEMS QUITE OBVIOUS
THAT MAYNARD G. KREBS
WAS SOLELY AND PRINCIPALLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN INJURY.
IT'S RIDICULOUS TO ASSERT
THAT AN INNOCENT, HARMLESS,
SIMPLE LITTLE MECHANISM
LIKE THIS GUM MACHINE
COULD HURT ANYBODY
EXCEPT A CLUMSY,
AWKWARD FUMBLER.
- I QUITE AGREE,
MR. WAYZACK. I QUITE...
- HELP!
- MR. WAYZACK?
- HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!
- ORDER IN THE COURT!
ORDER IN THE COURT!
ORDER! [BANGING GAVEL]
VERY WELL, IN VIEW
OF THE TESTIMONY,
I FIND FOR THE...
PLAINTIFF, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- ORDER IN THE COURT. ORDER!
NOW THEN, AS TO THE
AMOUNT OF DAMAGES,
IT IS MY OPINION THAT IN VIEW
OF THE AMOUNT OF INCOME LOST,
IN CONSIDERATION OF
THE ANXIETY AND ANGUISH
BOTH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL,
PLUS THE VALUE
OF MR. KREBS' TIME,
THAT THE AMOUNT OF
DAMAGES SHALL BE...
THE AMOUNT OF DAMAGES
SHALL BE EXACTLY...
$1.65.
[SPECTATORS GROAN]
- OH, I'M RICH! RICH!
LIKE THANK YOU, YOUR JUDGESHIP!
YOU'RE JUST LIKE A THIRD DADDY!
THIRD DADDY!
- MAYNARD, STOP THAT!
- HELP! HELP!
ORDER IN THE COURT!
ORDER IN THE COURT!
- DAD?
DAD, MAYNARD HAS SOMETHING
HE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.
- OH, THE INGRATE RETURNS, HUH?
AREN'T YOU AFRAID TO
WALK IN HERE, MAYNARD?
KINDA TAKING YOUR LIFE
IN YOUR HANDS, AIN'T YA?
AIN'T YOU AFRAID THIS
SCROUNGY OLD FLOOR
WILL FALL RIGHT OUT
FROM UNDERNEATH...
- DAD...
- CEILING WILL FLAKE OFF AND...
- DAD, MAYNARD'S SORRY.
- YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER
ME. I GUESS IT WAS MODEST GREED.
CAN YOU EVER, LIKE,
FORGIVE ME, MR. G.?
- WELL, I GUESS THERE WAS
NO GREAT HARM DONE, BUT...
- NO HARD FEELINGS?
- LIKE LIKEWISE.
INCIDENTALLY, I GOT THE
GUM MACHINE FIXED NOW
SO THAT EVEN YOU CAN OPERATE IT.
BE MY GUEST.
- CAN I HAVE A PENNY?
- JUST A MINUTE.
- GEE, THANKS, DAD.
IT MEANS A LOT TO ME
THAT MAYNARD'S A MEMBER
OF THE FAMILY AGAIN.
- WELL, A VERY
DISTANT MEMBER, BUT...
- YEAH.
- MR. G.? LIKE HELP?
OH, NO, MR. G.!
MR. G., NO.
MR. G.? OH!
SEE A BOOK CALLED
"LEGAL ETHICS AND PRINCIPLES
OF THE ANGLO-SAXON
JUDICIARY SYSTEM"?
- NO. I'M GONNA
WAIT AND CATCH IT
WHEN THE MOVIE COMES OUT.
- IT'S THE TEXTBOOK FOR
THIS LEGAL PRINCIPLES COURSE
I'M TAKING FROM
PROFESSOR BRINKERHOFF.
PRETTY WILD TOO.
HE SAYS THAT THE LAW
PROTECTS EVERYBODY,
NO MATTER HOW TACKY,
LOWLY, SHABBY, WORTHLESS...
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD. YOU'RE EARLY.
- AND I'D HAVE BEEN EARLIER,
EXCEPT I HAD A SLIGHT DELAY.
- I KNOW. YOU SLIPPED
AND FELL DOWN
ON THE STREETCAR
TRACKS AT NINTH AND MAIN.
- YOU'RE WRONG, DOBE.
- NOW, MAYNARD, DON'T BE SILLY.
YOU KNOW THAT EVERY MORNING
YOU SLIP ON THE STREETCAR
TRACKS AT NINTH AND MAIN.
PEOPLE SET THEIR WATCHES BY IT.
- NOT THIS MORNING, DOBE.
- YOU SLIPPED ON THE STREETCAR
TRACKS AT EIGHTH AND MAIN?
- I DIDN'T SLIP ON THE
STREETCAR TRACKS AT ALL.
- MAYNARD, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
- I FELL DOWN A MANHOLE.
- FELL DOWN A MANHOLE?
SUE 'EM, MAYNARD! SUE 'EM!
- NOW, DAD.
- NOW NOTHING!
WEREN'T WE JUST TALKING ABOUT
THAT LEGAL PROFESSOR OF YOURS
OVER AT THE COLLEGE
AND HE WAS SAYING THAT...
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- YEAH, BRINKERHOFF.
- YEAH. WELL, HE WAS SAYING
THAT THE LAW IS THE
LAW FOR EVERYBODY,
EVEN 10-THUMB KNUCKLEHEADS
LIKE MAYNARD HERE, NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, BUT
WHO AM I GONNA SUE?
- THE CITY.
- OH, YOU'RE JOSHING, AIN'T
YOU, MR. G.? I LOVE THIS CITY.
I LOVE ITS STREETS AND
ALLEYS, ITS HILLS AND VALLEYS,
ITS PARKS AND SEWERS.
IT'S MY CITY.
- NOW, HEAR ME AND
HEAR ME GOOD, BOY.
IF YOU'RE EVER GONNA
AMOUNT TO ANYTHING,
YOU HAVE TO THINK BIG.
NEVER SUE FOR ANYTHING
LESS THAN A MILLION.
TAKE FESSER...
- OVER ON RIVER STREET?
- THAT'S THE GUY.
GOT HIS FOOT CAUGHT
IN THE DOOR OF A BUS,
SUED THE COMPANY
FOR A MILLION BUCKS.
- LIKE, WOW! AND HE GOT
A MILLION BUCKS, HUH?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
AS IT TURNED OUT,
HE HAD TO GIVE THE BUS COMPANY
$16 FOR BUSTING THEIR DOOR,
BUT HE HAD A MISERABLE LAWYER.
OH, IF HE'D HAVE
HAD A GOOD LAWYER,
HE'D HAVE GOTTEN A FORTUNE!
- LIKE, WOW, A MILLION BUCKS!
OH, MAN! I'M, LIKE, LOADED!
- DIAMOND JIM...
- YOU RANG?
- BEFORE YOU START
SPENDING THE MONEY,
YOU'VE GOTTA PROVE THAT
FALLING DOWN THE MANHOLE
WAS THE CITY'S FAULT.
- SURE, IT WAS.
THEY DUG IT RIGHT IN FRONT
OF WHERE I WAS WALKING,
DIDN'T THEY?
- MM-HMM. YES, MAYNARD.
WAS THERE ANY KIND OF
WARNING SIGN IN FRONT OF IT?
- JUST A LITTLE BITTY ONE.
AND ALL IT SAID
WAS, "NO TRAPPING."
I GUESS IT MUST BE THE
BEAVER SEASON OR SOMETHING.
- NO TRAPPING?
- YEAH.
AND SOME DUMBBELL
COULDN'T EVEN SPELL.
HE PUT A LOT OF Ss
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
- RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE, YEAH. YEAH.
MAYNARD, THAT WAS,
"NO TRESPASSING,"
AND YOU JUST LOST YOUR CASE.
- OH.
I DIDN'T WANNA TAKE ANY MONEY
FROM THIS DEAR CITY ANYHOW.
- NO.
- I LOVE THIS CITY.
- SURE, MAYNARD. COME
ON. I'LL GRAB MY BOOKS
AND WE'LL GO TO SCHOOL.
- I WANNA GET SOME GUM.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- SON, IS THIS THE BOOK
YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?
- OH, YEAH. THANKS, DAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D DO WITHOUT YOU.
- OH, NEITHER DO I, BUT
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT
MAKES MY WHOLE DAY.
- LIKE, HELP! HELP! OW!
OO-OOH, IT'S GOT ME!
- WHAT'S HE GOTTEN INTO NOW?
- I PUT MY PENNY IN THE
MACHINE AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
SO I THOUGHT... LET GO, YOU RAT!
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD,
STOP CLOWNING AROUND
AND TAKE YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE.
- I LIKE TRIED TO,
BUT IT'S LIKE STUCK!
- STUCK? IT IS NOT!
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
- CAREFUL, DAD.
- IT'S RIDICULOUS! IT'S...
IT'S STUCK!
HERE, COME IN HERE.
NOW GET AHOLD OF HIM, DOBIE!
- COULDN'T WE LIKE
LEAVE IT LIKE IT IS?
PLEASE? I MEAN, PLEASE?
- DOBE, WHEN I TELL
YOU TO PULL, PULL!
- LOOK, MR. G. I COULD BE
THE FIRST KID ON MY BLOCK
WITH A GLASS BOXING GLOVE!
- OKAY, DOBIE, PULL!
- YOU ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD?
- YEAH, I'M, LIKE, FINE, MR. G.
THERE IS ONE
THING, AND I ALMOST,
LIKE, HATE TO MENTION IT.
- WELL, SPEAK UP, BOY, SPEAK UP.
- I'M, LIKE, TAKING YOUR ADVICE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I'M SUING YOU FOR
A MILLION DOLLARS.
- MAYNARD!
[JAZZ THEME]
- MAYNARD SUE MY DAD?
SWEET, LOVABLE,
WARM-HEARTED MAYNARD?
THAT'S TOO RIDICULOUS
TO EVEN THINK ABOUT.
OH, I KNOW HE SAID
HE WAS GOING TO,
BUT THAT WASN'T MAYNARD.
THAT WAS THE PAIN SPEAKING.
I KNEW THAT WHEN HE
CAME TO HIS SENSES,
HE'D CHANGE HIS MIND
ABOUT SUING FOR A MILLION.
- I'VE COME TO MY SENSES
AND CHANGED MY MIND
ABOUT SUING YOU
FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.
- I KNEW IT.
- I'M GONNA SUE FOR 2 MILLION.
- 2 MILLION? FOR WHAT?
- WELL, I WOULDN'T
WANNA MAKE AN ISSUE OF IT,
BUT I THINK MY
HAND'S ON BACKWARDS.
- YOUR HAND? YOUR
HEAD IS ON BACKWARDS!
THAT IS JUST A
SIMPLE, LITTLE SPRAIN.
MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT!
- DAD, LET ME HANDLE
THIS. MAYNARD?
- PRESENT.
- MAYNARD, I'M ASHAMED OF YOU,
TALKING ABOUT SUING DAD.
WHY, YOU'RE ONE OF THE FAMILY!
REMEMBER WHEN WE
WERE LITTLE BITTY KIDS?
IT WAS ME FOR YOU
AND YOU FOR ME.
- AND TEA FOR TWO
AND TWO FOR TEA.
- MAYNARD, LISTEN,
YOU WERE PRACTICALLY
BROUGHT UP IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU WERE LIKE ONE OF THE FAMILY.
WHY, DAD WAS LIKE A
SECOND FATHER TO YOU.
- LIKE TRUE.
- THAT'S RIGHT!
- SECOND DADDY!
- NEVER MIND!
I'M BETTER OFF TO BE SUED.
- MAYNARD, DON'T YOU
REMEMBER WE SHARED EVERYTHING,
OUR JOYS, OUR SORROWS...
- OUR MEASLES, OUR MUMPS.
OH, DOBE, I BEEN
LIKE A BLIND FOOL.
NO, MAKE IT A DIRTY RAT
AND I, LIKE, HATE MYSELF.
MR. G., CAN YOU EVER,
LIKE, FORGIVE ME?
- NO LAWSUITS?
- AGAINST MY OWN SECOND DADDY?
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT!
- ALL I WANNA DO IS BE A
MEMBER OF THE FAMILY AGAIN
AND KEEP IN TUNE LIKE THAT.
- FOR A MEMBER THE FAMILY,
YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN, BOY.
- DAD.
- NEVER MIND. I
WAS JUST KIDDING.
OKAY, MAYNARD, YOU'RE FORGIVEN.
- OH, YOU'RE LIKE A
REAL HUMAN BEING, MR. G.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT
SUCH A BAD KID YOURSELF.
- GEE, I'M LIKE PRETTY MISTY.
- WE'D BETTER START FOR SCHOOL
BEFORE WE ALL GET
TOO MISTY TO TRAVEL.
PROFESSOR BRINKERHOFF
HATES IT WHEN WE'RE LATE.
- WELL, SO LONG.
- YEAH, SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
- SECOND DADDY!
- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT!
- AN OLD FOGEY, THAT'S
WHAT YOU THINK I AM.
YOU PROBABLY THINK THE
LAW COURTS ARE COMPOSED
OF A LOT OF OLD FOGIES
BLOWING DUST OFF A
LOT OF MUSTY BOOKS.
BUT YOU'RE WRONG.
THE LAW COURTS ARE
BATTLEFIELDS FOR JUSTICE.
AND A GOOD LAWYER
IS A GOOD FIGHTER!
HE'S IN THERE
PUNCHING ALL THE TIME,
FIGHTING FOR THE RIGHTS
OF THE UNDERDOG, THE POOR,
THE MEEK AND THE MISERABLE.
- YOU RANG?
- NOW, WHEN I WAS
PRACTICING LAW,
THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE
WORLD THAT I LIKED BETTER
THAN A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED
KNOCKDOWN, DRAG-OUT
DAMAGE SUIT!
- HEY, DOBE, LOOK AT
THE SWINGIN' BANDAGE
I GOT OVER AT THE INFIRMARY.
- NOT THAT A...
BANDAGE? INFIRMARY?
ACCIDENT? WHO'S HURT?
- LIKE ME, PROFESSOR,
YOUR HONOR, SIR.
I CAUGHT MY HAND IN A
CHEWING GUM MACHINE.
- WHAT'S THAT? YOU CAUGHT
YOUR HAND IN A GUM MACHINE?
- IT WAS NOTHING,
PROFESSOR, NOTHING AT ALL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOTHING?
WHEN DOES YOUR CASE COME UP?
- HEY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- YOU'RE OUT OF
ORDER, MR. GILLIS.
WILL YOU LET THE WITNESS
ANSWER? YOU ARE SUING, AREN'T YOU?
- NO, SIR. I COULDN'T
BE SUCH A DIRTY RAT.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- I MEAN, I'M PRACTICALLY
ONE OF THE FAMILY.
YOU KNOW, TEA FOR
TWO AND TWO FOR TEA.
- TWO FOR TEA?
- YOU WOULD'VE HAD TO BE THERE.
WHAT MAYNARD'S
TRYING TO SAY, SIR,
IS THAT HE HAD THIS ACCIDENT
IN MY FATHER'S STORE.
- I UNDERSTAND THE LAW, SIR!
AND THIS SOUNDS
TO ME LIKE COLLUSION!
MALFEASANCE!
NONFEASANCE! INTIMIDATION!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
- I PLEAD GUILTY
AND THROW MYSELF
ON THE MERCY OF THE COURT!
DON'T SEND ME TO PRISON!
LIKE, PLEASE! PLEASE!
- RIDICULOUS, MR. KREBS.
YOU'RE THE INJURED PARTY.
- I AM?
- WHY, YOU SUFFERED
BODILY INJURY, DIDN'T YOU?
- YEAH. NOT ONLY THAT,
I HURT MY HAND TOO.
- AND TO SAY NOTHING
OF THE NERVOUS SHOCK.
- AND TO SAY NOTHING MY
HAND'S LIKE ON BACKWARDS.
- MAYNARD.
- THERE'S VERY LITTLE DEMAND
FOR BACKWARD-HANDED
BONGO PLAYERS.
- THAT'S YOUR VOCATION?
- NO, SIR.
I DON'T GET MY
VOCATION TILL JUNE.
- BONGO PLAYING?
IS THAT YOUR WORK?
- WORK!
- MAYNARD.
- WHAT I'M TRYING TO
POINT OUT, MR. KREBS,
IS THAT YOU'RE
SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
- A GOLD MINE?
- MAYNARD, IT'S A
FIGURE OF SPEECH!
- I SEEM TO RECALL ANOTHER CASE.
IT WAS WITHERSPOON VS. THE
AMALGAMATED GUMDROP MACHINE,
THE SAME THING. A MAN
GOT HIS HAND CAUGHT
IN A GUMDROP MACHINE.
THE DAMAGES... $100,000.
- 100,000 GUMDROPS?
[CLASS BELL RINGS]
- WILL YOU WAIT AFTER?
CLASS IS DISMISSED.
- DID YOU HEAR THAT,
DOBE? A GOLD MINE.
I CAN GET A NEW SET OF
BONGOS AND A BICYCLE
WITH A TWO-TONE HORN.
- GREAT, MAYNARD.
YOU CAN RIDE IT OUT
TO THE POORHOUSE
AND BLOW IT WHEN YOU COME
VISITING THE GILLIS FAMILY.
- POORHOUSE? I WOULDN'T
LET YOU GO THERE.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SENDING US THERE!
- IN MY OPINION, MR. KREBS,
YOU HAVE AN IRONCLAD CASE.
MY SUGGESTION TO
YOU IS TO SUE THEM.
FIGHT, BOY! FIGHT!
- NO, SIR, PROFESSOR,
YOUR HONOR, SIR.
I COULDN'T DO
THAT TO MR. GILLIS.
- YOU DON'T THINK MR. GILLIS
HAS TO PAY THOSE
DAMAGES, DO YOU?
- WELL, I'M A LITTLE
SHORT MYSELF, SIR.
- OF COURSE NOT!
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
PAYS THE DAMAGES.
YOUR FATHER IS
INSURED, ISN'T HE?
- WAIT A MINUTE. SURE, HE IS!
- THEN YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER.
- LIKE, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WANT ME TO SUE
THE INSURANCE COMPANY?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I LOVE THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
THEY GOT THAT NICE
NEW BUILDING DOWNTOWN
AND A BENCH OUTSIDE WHERE
I SIT AND WAIT FOR THE BUS.
THEY GOT A LITTLE
POOL FULL OF GOLDFISH.
OH, THEY'RE CUTE
LITTLE GOLDFISH,
AND THEY'RE ALL
WIGGLING AND GURGLING.
- MR. KREBS, YOU
WON'T HAVE TO SUE.
IN THE FIRST PLACE, I THINK
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
WILL PAY YOUR CLAIM
WITHOUT ARGUMENT.
REMEMBER, INSURANCE
COMPANIES ARE ONLY TOO HAPPY
TO PAY ALL JUST CLAIMS
PROMPTLY AND CHEERFULLY.
- THEY'RE HAPPY?
- OF COURSE.
- WELL, OKAY THEN, 'CAUSE
THAT'S WHAT I WANT THEM TO BE,
IS HAPPY, YEAH.
- YES.
- OH, I LOVE THAT
INSURANCE COMPANY.
DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT THE GOLDFISH?
THEY'RE ALL WIGGLING
AND GURGLING.
- YES. YES, YOU TOLD
ME. YOU'VE DONE THAT!
- MAYNARD? MAYNARD,
WHERE YOU BEEN?
WE'RE DUE AT THE INSUR...
- I HAD TO STOP OFF
AT THE DRUGSTORE
TO GET THESE LIKE SUPPLIES.
WILL YOU HELP ME
TIE THIS UP, PLEASE?
- I WOULD NOT. DO YOU
KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
FRAUD.
- NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S JUST A SNEAKY
TRICK TO GET MORE MONEY
OUT OF THAT INSURANCE COMPANY.
BOY, WE'RE REALLY
GONNA GOUGE THEM, HUH?
REALLY SOCK IT TO
THEM, HUH, DOBE?
- WE ARE NOT.
WE'RE GOING UP THERE AND
PRESENT AN HONEST CASE.
WE GET AN HONEST SETTLEMENT
LIKE HONEST GENTLEMEN.
- WELL, WOULD IT BE OKAY
WHEN WE'RE UP THERE
I GIVE LIKE AN HONEST
GROAN ONCE IN A WHILE?
- WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I
SUPPOSE IT'D BE ALL RIGHT
AS LONG AS IT'S HONEST AND
MANLY AND NOT TOO LOUD.
- THAT'S JUST
WHAT IT'LL BE, DOBE,
HONEST AND MANLY. AND
YOU'LL BARELY HEAR IT,
LIKE JOHN WAYNE WHEN HE'S
GOT AN ARROW IN HIS SHOULDER.
HE'D RATHER DIE THAN HAVE
CHILL WILLS THINK HE'S CHICKEN.
- WELL, AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T
SOUND PHONY. LET'S HEAR IT.
- OWW-OOO!
- NO GOOD, MAYNARD.
IF YOU CAN'T DO ANY
BETTER THAN THAT, FORGET IT.
- I GOT A LOT MORE, DOBE.
I GOT A LOT MORE. LISTEN.
OW! OOH!
WHEN I GET TO ONE
YOU LIKE, STOP ME.
OWW... [WHIMPERS]
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
IT. THAT'S JUST RIGHT!
MAYNARD, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
YOU CAN STOP NOW.
MAYNARD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
- YOU'RE STANDING ON MY FOOT!
- EXCUSE ME, MAYNARD. COME ON.
- NOW WHERE WAS I, MISS JONES?
- "DEAR MR. JOHNSON,
IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU
"WHO ARE DRIVING THE
INSURANCE COMPANIES
"OUT OF BUSINESS.
THREE ACCIDENTS IN THE LAST
YEAR IS A DISGRACEFUL RECORD."
- EVEN THOUGH YOU
ARE A LION TAMER.
WE ARE REJECTING
YOUR LATEST CLAIM
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
YOU'RE A CLUMSY OAF,
A CARELESS NITWIT,
AND AN ACCIDENT-PRONE
CHOWDERHEAD!
SIGN THAT, WARMEST REGARDS.
- YES, SIR.
OH, THERE'S A MR. KREBS
DUE IN A FEW MINUTES.
- OH, YES. WELL,
THAT'S THE GILLIS CLAIM.
THAT SOUNDS LEGITIMATE,
THANK GOODNESS.
YOU GET THEM STARTED.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.
MY NAME IS GILLIS,
AND THIS IS MR. KREBS.
WE'RE IN A BIG
HURRY AND MR. KR...
HELLO.
- I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
- WHAT'S THE RUSH, MY
DEAR? AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE
TO CHECK YOUR LEAVE PAPERS.
AND DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
NOT ON FURLOUGH FROM HEAVEN.
I KNOW AN ANGEL WHEN I SEE ONE.
- OOH! OH!
- NOT NOW, MAYNARD.
THERE'S A BRAVE FELLA.
SALT OF THE EARTH,
BUT A COMPLAINER.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
- NO PLACE, MR. GILLIS.
EXCUSE ME. I HAVE TO GET
MR. KREBS' ACCIDENT RECORD.
- OH, JUST A MOMENT!
IF YOU WANNA GET A
RECORD OF HIS ACCIDENTS,
I'M THE ONE YOU WANNA TALK TO.
OF COURSE, IT MAY TAKE DAYS,
EVEN WEEKS, PERHAPS MONTHS.
- MR. KREBS HAS HAD
A LOT OF ACCIDENTS?
- LOT OF ACCIDENTS?
- YEAH, HAVE I HAD A LOT
OF ACCIDENTS! HA HA HA.
- HE'S HAD SO MANY ACCIDENTS
THEY GET MIXED UP IN HIS MIND.
- YOU SHOULD EXCUSE
THE EXPRESSION.
- FORTUNATELY, DUE TO
A STEEL-TRAP MEMORY,
I CAN HELP YOU,
ACCIDENT BY ACCIDENT.
- ALL RIGHT, MISS JONES.
- I WAS JUST EXPLAINING TO
THIS LOVELY YOUNG LADY...
- YES, I HEARD. WITH
A LINE LIKE THAT,
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ABLE TO LAND A WHALE!
I'M WAYZACK, CHIEF ATTORNEY
FOR THE INSURANCE COMPANY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- YEAH, WELL, TAKE
NOTES, MISS JONES.
I THINK WE CAN DISPOSE
OF THIS CASE VERY QUICKLY.
- LIK, CRAZY, 'CAUSE THEY
GOT A SALE ON BONGO DRUMS
AND BICYCLES WITH
TWO-TONE HORNS.
AND IF COULD...
- OH, I SEE, MR. KREBS.
WELL, I'M INTERESTED IN HEARING
YOUR HISTORY OF ACCIDENTS.
- YOU'RE LIKE
INTERESTED IN ACCIDENTS?
- YES. ACCIDENTS
ARE MY BUSINESS.
LIKE THE SCULPTOR THRILLS
AT RODIN'S "THE THINKER,"
THE PAINTER WITH
THE "MONA LISA,"
I AM MOVED BY THE SPRAINED
ANKLE, THE MASHED THUMB.
- I DON'T EVEN COUNT
LITTLE BITTY ONES LIKE THAT.
- WHAT DO YOU COUNT?
- OH, LIKE WHEN I SLIP ON
THE STREETCAR TRACKS.
- OH, YOU SLIP ON
STREETCAR TRACKS, DO YOU?
- YEAH, OR FALL DOWN MANHOLES
OR GET MY BEARD CAUGHT
IN THE PRESSURE COOKER.
- BEARD CAUGHT IN
THE PRESSURE COOKER?
- YEAH.
- MAYNARD,
ALL MR. WAYZACK WANTS TO DO
IS HEAR ABOUT YOUR ACCIDENT
SO HE CAN GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
- OH, YEAH, THE
MONEY. I, LIKE, FORGOT.
OOH! [WHIMPERING]
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH! THE PAIN.
- CAME ON RATHER
SUDDENLY, DIDN'T IT?
- WELL, IT COMES AND GOES
LIKE AN ALTERNATING CURRENT.
- YEAH, BUT IT'S NOTHING THAT
$5 MILLION WOULDN'T CURE.
- OH, YOU'D SETTLE FOR
$5 MILLION, WOULD YOU?
- WELL, I AIN'T SAYING
YES, AND I AIN'T SAYING NO.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- I AIN'T SAYING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING, MR. KREBS?
LIKE ALTERNATING
CURRENTS, YOU'VE COME.
AND LIKE ALTERNATING
CURRENTS, YOU GO.
BOTH OF YOU!
- GO?
- FAREWELL! AUF
WIEDERSEHEN! AU REVOIR!
- BUT WE HAVEN'T GOT THE MONEY.
- EXACTLY! SAYONARA!
- YOU MEAN, NO 5 MILLION?
- NO 5 CENTS! WE'RE
FIGHTING THIS CLAIM
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
YOU'RE ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- YOU'LL HEAR FROM OUR
ATTORNEYS ABOUT THIS!
- NOT ONLY THAT,
WE MIGHT EVEN SUE!
- WE MIGHT EVEN...
- DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
TAKE SOME HEARTFELT
ADVICE AND DON'T.
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE, IF
UNFORTUNATE, YOUNG MAN.
OUR ATTORNEYS WILL CLOBBER
YOU. THEY'LL CUT YOU TO PIECES.
- OH, YEAH? WELL,
WE'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!
- AND THAT GOES, LIKE, DOUBLE!
- MAYNARD...
- NO. IT'S NO USE, DOBE.
EVER SINCE THIS THING
STARTED, I CAN'T SLEEP.
I'M HAVING NIGHTMARES,
I'M NERVOUS, JUMPY.
LOOK OUT! LOOK
OUT! A BOMB! A BOMB!
- MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, IT WAS JUST A BASEBALL.
- OH, EXCUSE ME. I
DIDN'T MEAN TO INTRUDE.
- YOU'RE NOT INTRUDING.
YOU'RE NOT INTRUDING.
- UGLIEST GIRL I EVER SAW!
- FRESH KID. DO YOU MIND?
DO YOU MIND, PLEASE? EXCUSE US.
YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN, MAYNARD?
YOU'RE ALL NERVOUS
ABOUT NOTHING.
THE INSURANCE COMPANY
DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING PERSONAL
AGAINST YOU.
- YEAH?
THEN HOW COME THEY WANNA GET
ME UP ON THE STAND AND CLOBBER ME?
THEM SHARP LAWYERS
WILL TEAR ME TO PIECES.
- SO? WE'LL GET A
SHARP LAWYER TOO.
- BUT THEIR LAWYERS
ARE LIKE THE SHARPEST!
ALL THEY GOTTA DO IS
HEAR THE WORD ACCIDENT.
- ACCIDENT? WHERE'S
THE ACCIDENT?
ACCIDENT? ACCIDENT? WHO'S HURT?
WHERE'S THE... OH, IT'S YOU.
HOW'D YOU COME OUT WITH
THE INSURANCE COMPANY?
- WE DIDN'T. THEY'RE
FIGHTING IT AND...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU
HANDLING THE CASE?
- OH, NO! IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS
SINCE I PRACTICED LAW.
I'M A TEACHER NOW.
ON WHAT BASIS ARE
THEY REFUSING PAYMENT?
- THEY SAID I WAS AN
ACCIDENTAL PRUNE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- THEIR DEFENSE
IS ACCIDENT-PRONE?
- YES, SIR.
- WELL, I'LL TAKE THE
CASE! WE'RE AS GOOD AS IN!
THEY'RE BASING THEIR DEFENSE
ON A LOT OF MUMBO-JUMBO!
- MAYNARD, WE'RE IN!
THEY'LL NEVER CLOBBER YOU
WITH PROFESSOR BRINKERHOFF
HANDLING THE CASE.
- YEAH. I CAN HEAR THAT
TWO-TONE BICYCLE HORN NOW.
- WHY, WE CAN'T LOSE!
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS BE SURE
HE MAKES A GOOD PRESENTATION
IN THE COURTROOM.
ALL HE HAS TO DO IS LOOK
BRIGHT AND SHARP AND ALERT
AND INTELLIGENT, AND WE'RE DEAD!
ALL WE CAN DO NOW IS
TO DEPEND ON THE FACT
THAT THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- WHAT?
- THERE'S NO SUCH
THING AS ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- I'LL BUY THAT. THERE'S
NO SUCH THING AS...
ACCIDENT-PRONE.
- ACCIDENT PRONE?
- EXACTLY. THAT'S WHY WE'RE
TAKING THIS CASE TO COURT.
- COURT? FOR WHAT?
- WE TAKE ALL THESE SIMPLE
NUISANCE CASES TO COURT.
- WELL, I'D BE THE
FIRST ONE TO AGREE
THAT MAYNARD'S PRETTY
SIMPLE, AND HE'S ALSO A NUISANCE.
BUT WHY MAKE A FEDERAL
CASE OUT OF THIS?
- BECAUSE IT'S MY
DUTY AS AN EMPLOYEE
AND A LOYAL AMERICAN TO FIGHT
THESE UNWARRANTED CLAIMS!
- I DON'T CARE.
HE IS A SWEET, LOVABLE,
WARMHEARTED KID.
SO HE GOT HIS HAND
CAUGHT IN THE GUM MACHINE.
HOW MUCH IS IT GONNA COST
YOU FOR A LITTLE SPRAIN?
- HOW MUCH? I'LL TELL YOU
HOW MUCH IT'S GONNA COST.
LET ME SEE NOW HERE.
SPRAIN, SPRAIN, ELBOW,
ANKLE, SHOULDER.
OH, HERE WE ARE. SPRAINED WRIST.
- ALL RIGHT, HOW MUCH?
- OH, NOT A WHOLE
LOT OF MONEY, GILLIS.
- OH, CHEAPSKATES.
- OH, THIS KREBS
IS A CLUMSY OAF,
AND HE DOESN'T DESERVE A CENT!
MONEY DOESN'T GROW
ON TREES, YOU KNOW!
- HE IS A SWEET, LOVABLE,
WARM-HEARTED KID,
AND HE OUGHT TO
GET A CHUNK OF DOUGH!
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT TO HIM THEN?
- ME? MONEY DON'T GROW
ON TREES, YOU KNOW!
- YOU WERE JUST SAYING THAT
WE WERE A BUNCH OF CHEAPSKATES!
- NOW LISTEN, BUSTER!
HOW MUCH WOULD IT COST
ME TO GIVE YOU A PUNCH
RIGHT IN THE NOSE?
- JUST A MINUTE.
PINCH, PINCH, PINCH... PUNCH.
OH, HERE WE ARE,
PUNCH IN THE NOSE.
WERE YOU PLANNING
TO BLACKEN BOTH EYES?
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
- WE'RE RUNNING A SPECIAL.
[MUTTERING]
I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT
TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00!
- YOU'RE DARN TOOTIN' YOU WILL
BECAUSE I INTEND TO BE
THERE AND SEE THAT MAYNARD
GETS EVERYTHING
THAT'S COMING TO HIM!
- WELL, THE TRIAL
STARTED AT 9:00 SHARP.
AND BY 9:01,
THINGS WEREN'T LOOKING
TOO RED HOT FOR MAYNARD.
- NOW AS I UNDERSTAND IT,
YOU'RE THE LOCAL DRUGGIST,
MR. FORTESCUE?
- I WAS. RETIRED LAST WEEK.
- RETIRED ON WHAT?
- ON THE MONEY I MADE
SELLING BANDAGES AND IODINE
TO MAYNARD G. KREBS THERE.
KID HAD MORE ACCIDENTS
THAN ANY KID I EVER SAW.
- THAT WAS BAD ENOUGH.
BUT IT GOT WORSE
WHEN THEY CALLED IN
THIS REPRESENTATIVE
FROM THE RED CROSS.
- YES. WE ON THE EXECUTIVE
COUNCIL OF THE RED CROSS
HAVE LONG BEEN
AWARE OF THE EXISTENCE
OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
IN FACT, AND I DON'T THINK
I'M SPEAKING PREMATURELY,
WE ARE SERIOUSLY
CONSIDERING DECLARING HIM
A PERMANENT DISASTER AREA.
- AND THEN TO MAKE IT
WORSE, THEY CALLED ON
OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL
PHYSICAL EDUCATION TEACHER.
THAT REALLY HURT.
- COACH, WE'D LIKE TO
FIND OUT SOMETHING
ABOUT THE PHYSICAL
COORDINATION OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- COORDINATION?
- WHAT I WANNA KNOW IS
HOW DID MAYNARD MAKE
OUT ON THE ATHLETIC FIELD?
- WELL, THAT'S KINDA HARD TO
SAY BECAUSE, IN FOUR YEARS,
MAYNARD NEVER GOT AS
FAR AS THE ATHLETIC FIELD.
HE ALWAYS MANAGED TO SLIP
AND FALL DOWN IN
THE LOCKER ROOM.
- YOUR HONOR, IT
SEEMS QUITE CLEAR
THAT MAYNARD G. KREBS IS
NOT ENTITLED TO ANY DAMAGES
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
HE IS OBVIOUSLY GUILTY
OF GROSS CONTRIBUTORY
NEGLIGENCE.
HE IS ABSOLUTELY UNCOORDINATED
AND COMPLETELY ACCIDENT-PRONE.
HE SLIPS, FALLS, TRIPS AND
BREAKS THINGS CONSTANTLY.
WE REST OUR CASE.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT ALL
THIS HULLABALOO, MAYNARD.
IF I HAD MY WAY,
THEY'D JUST PAY YOU OFF
AND FORGET THE WHOLE THING.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, MR. G.
- WELL, YOU'RE A PRETTY SWEET,
LOVABLE, WARM-HEARTED
KID YOURSELF.
AND I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE
WHILE THEY CLOBBER YOU.
- WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GONNA
SIT WHILE THEY CLOBBER ME?
YOU COULD, LIKE, SIT HERE
BECAUSE I GOTTA GO UP
THERE AND BE A WITLESS.
- MAYNARD, THE WORD IS
WITNESS, BUT YOU MAY BE RIGHT.
NOW, LISTEN. THIS IS THE
WAY WE'RE GONNA HANDLE IT.
WHILE YOU'RE UP THERE
TELLING YOUR STORY,
I'M GONNA BE DOWN HERE AGREEING.
- BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
ON THE INSURANCE COMPANY'S SIDE.
- IT'S JUST THAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
ON THE INSURANCE COMPANY'S SIDE.
BUT WHEN THAT JUDGE
HEARS ME AGREEING
WITH EVERYTHING YOU SAY,
HE'S GOTTA KNOW
YOU'RE ON THE UP AND UP
AND GIVE YOU EVERY PENNY
THAT'S COMING TO YOU.
- YOU'RE LIKE A REAL
HUMAN BEING, MR. G.
- MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT,
THE FIRST WITNESS I
WOULD LIKE TO CALL
IS THE PLAINTIFF,
MR. MAYNARD G. KREBS.
WILL YOU TAKE THE STAND, PLEASE?
- WITNESS IS SWORN.
YOU MAY PROCEED.
- WELL, YOUR HONOR,
I INTEND TO PROVE
THAT EVERYTHING MY FRIEND,
THE LEARNED COUNSELOR, HAS SAID
IS A LOT OF HOGWASH.
I WILL PROVE THAT
MAYNARD G. KREBS,
THE PLAINTIFF, IS UTTERLY
BLAMELESS IN THIS MATTER
AND SHOULD BE AWARDED
THE FULL AMOUNT OF DAMAGES.
NOW, MR. KREBS, WILL YOU
DESCRIBE WHAT HAPPENED
ON THE MORNING IN QUESTION?
- I WENT INTO MR. GILLIS'
GROCERY STORE
AND PUT A PENNY
IN THE GUM MACHINE.
- THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S
JUST WHAT HE DID!
- AND WHAT WAS THE
CONDITION OF THE GUM MACHINE?
- IT WAS LIKE BUSTED.
- THAT'S RIGHT! IT WAS BUSTED!
COULDN'T GET THE GUM OUT!
- NOW, WILL YOU
DESCRIBE THE CONDITION
OF MR. GILLIS' GROCERY STORE?
- NO OFFENSE, BUT
IT'S LIKE A DEATH TRAP.
- THAT'S RIGHT!
IT'S JUST LIKE...
WHAT DID HE SAY?
- WOULD YOU CARE TO
ELABORATE ON THAT STATEMENT?
- I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
A SLOPPY MESS.
AND THINGS ARE ALWAYS
LIKE FALLING DOWN ON PEOPLE,
AND THE FLOORS ARE SCROUNGY
AND THE PLASTER'S LIKE
FLAKING OFF THE WALLS.
- NOW, JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- ORDER IN THE COURT!
[BANGING GAVEL]
- JUST A DARN DOGGONE
MINUTE, MAYNARD!
- ORDER! ORDER!
- MAN, EVERY TIME A
CUSTOMER GOES IN THERE,
HE'S LIKE TAKING
HIS LIFE IN HIS HANDS.
IT'S LIKE A REAL MESS!
- YOUR HONOR, ARE
YOU GONNA LET THIS...
- ORDER IN THE COURT!
MR. GILLIS, I WARN YOU!
GO AHEAD!
- NOW, WHEN YOU PLACED
YOUR HAND IN THE GUM MACHINE,
DID MR. GILLIS AT ANY TIME
INFORM YOU OR WARN YOU
THAT THIS WAS DANGEROUS?
- NO. HE JUST...
- WARN HIM?!
HOW DID I KNOW
WHAT HE WAS UP TO?
HE'S PRACTICALLY
NOTHIN' BUT A SHOPLIFTER
AROUND THE PLACE ANYWAY!
- MR. GILLIS!
- ALL HE DOES IS BUM
FOOD AND BREAK THINGS!
AND WHAT RIGHT DOES HE GOT
TO SUE FOR A LOT OF MONEY?
HE JUST RUNS AROUND
IN AN OLD DIRTY T-SHIRT
AND PLAYS THE BONGOS!
- THAT'S EXACTLY MY
POINT, YOUR HONOR!
WHEN THE ONLY PLEASURE
THAT A PATHETIC
CREATURE LIKE THE PLAINTIFF
CAN LOOK FORWARD TO IN
LIFE IS PLAYING THE BONGO,
AND WHEN HE'S
INJURED, WHAT'S LEFT?
THEREFORE, I URGE THAT THE COURT
AWARD HIM SUBSTANTIAL DAMAGES.
WE REST OUR CASE.
- VERY WELL. MR. WAYZACK,
DO YOU HAVE A CLOSING STATEMENT?
- YOUR HONOR, IN LIGHT OF
THE EVIDENCE PRESENTED,
IT SEEMS QUITE OBVIOUS
THAT MAYNARD G. KREBS
WAS SOLELY AND PRINCIPALLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN INJURY.
IT'S RIDICULOUS TO ASSERT
THAT AN INNOCENT, HARMLESS,
SIMPLE LITTLE MECHANISM
LIKE THIS GUM MACHINE
COULD HURT ANYBODY
EXCEPT A CLUMSY,
AWKWARD FUMBLER.
- I QUITE AGREE,
MR. WAYZACK. I QUITE...
- HELP!
- MR. WAYZACK?
- HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!
- ORDER IN THE COURT!
ORDER IN THE COURT!
ORDER! [BANGING GAVEL]
VERY WELL, IN VIEW
OF THE TESTIMONY,
I FIND FOR THE...
PLAINTIFF, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- ORDER IN THE COURT. ORDER!
NOW THEN, AS TO THE
AMOUNT OF DAMAGES,
IT IS MY OPINION THAT IN VIEW
OF THE AMOUNT OF INCOME LOST,
IN CONSIDERATION OF
THE ANXIETY AND ANGUISH
BOTH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL,
PLUS THE VALUE
OF MR. KREBS' TIME,
THAT THE AMOUNT OF
DAMAGES SHALL BE...
THE AMOUNT OF DAMAGES
SHALL BE EXACTLY...
$1.65.
[SPECTATORS GROAN]
- OH, I'M RICH! RICH!
LIKE THANK YOU, YOUR JUDGESHIP!
YOU'RE JUST LIKE A THIRD DADDY!
THIRD DADDY!
- MAYNARD, STOP THAT!
- HELP! HELP!
ORDER IN THE COURT!
ORDER IN THE COURT!
- DAD?
DAD, MAYNARD HAS SOMETHING
HE WANTS TO SAY TO YOU.
- OH, THE INGRATE RETURNS, HUH?
AREN'T YOU AFRAID TO
WALK IN HERE, MAYNARD?
KINDA TAKING YOUR LIFE
IN YOUR HANDS, AIN'T YA?
AIN'T YOU AFRAID THIS
SCROUNGY OLD FLOOR
WILL FALL RIGHT OUT
FROM UNDERNEATH...
- DAD...
- CEILING WILL FLAKE OFF AND...
- DAD, MAYNARD'S SORRY.
- YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER
ME. I GUESS IT WAS MODEST GREED.
CAN YOU EVER, LIKE,
FORGIVE ME, MR. G.?
- WELL, I GUESS THERE WAS
NO GREAT HARM DONE, BUT...
- NO HARD FEELINGS?
- LIKE LIKEWISE.
INCIDENTALLY, I GOT THE
GUM MACHINE FIXED NOW
SO THAT EVEN YOU CAN OPERATE IT.
BE MY GUEST.
- CAN I HAVE A PENNY?
- JUST A MINUTE.
- GEE, THANKS, DAD.
IT MEANS A LOT TO ME
THAT MAYNARD'S A MEMBER
OF THE FAMILY AGAIN.
- WELL, A VERY
DISTANT MEMBER, BUT...
- YEAH.
- MR. G.? LIKE HELP?
OH, NO, MR. G.!
MR. G., NO.
MR. G.? OH!