The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 31 - It Takes a Heap o' Livin' to Make a Cave a Home - full transcript
On an anthropology class field trip, Maynard stumbles into a hidden cave and discovers and befriends a stone-age caveman.
- AND SO, MEMBERS OF THE
FACULTY, HONORED GUESTS,
IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE
TO PRESENT THIS MAN OF THE
YEAR MEDAL IN ARCHEOLOGY
TO A GREAT GENTLEMAN, A GREAT
SCHOLAR, A GREAT SCIENTIST,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- NO, YOUR EYES WEREN'T
PLAYING TRICKS ON YOU.
THIS REALLY IS MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS.
SPOOKY, HUH?
I MEAN, UP TO NOW, SCIENCE WAS
INTERESTED IN STUDYING MAYNARD.
WELL, IT ALL STARTED A
COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO
WHEN MAYNARD AND THE DEAN
WERE HAVING A LITTLE MEETING.
AT THAT TIME TOO, THE DEAN WAS
CONCERNED WITH MAYNARD'S FUTURE
IN THE ACADEMIC WORLD.
- YOU'RE EXPELLED.
- DOBE, I GOT A FUNNY FEELING
HE'S TRYING TO
TELL ME SOMETHING.
- MAYNARD, PAY ATTENTION.
- KREBS, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT THESE WRETCHED,
SHAMEFUL, DEPLORABLE
MIDTERM GRADES OF YOURS?
- THEY'RE WRETCHED,
SHAMEFUL AND DEPORTABLE.
- THAT'S DEPLORABLE.
AND KREBS, YOUR SCHOOL RECORD
IS A DISGRACE TO THE COLLEGE,
A BLOT ON THE ENTIRE
ACADEMIC WORLD,
A PITIFUL DISPLAY.
- IF YOU DON'T
LIKE MY WORK, SIR,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.
- KREBS, I'M A KIND-HEARTED
MAN. I DON'T WANT TO EXPEL YOU.
- I'LL GIVE YOU A BREAK.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
- DEAN MAGRUDER, MAY I SAY A
FEW WORDS IN MAYNARD'S DEFENSE?
- ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. GO AHEAD.
- I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.
NO. NO. I MEAN, PLEASE GIVE
MAYNARD ANOTHER CHANCE, SIR.
- I'D BE HAPPY TO
IF YOU CAN GIVE ME ONE REASON
FOR THESE DREADFUL MARKS.
- THAT'S EASY. THEY
WON'T LET ME CHEAT.
- KREBS.
- SIR, ISN'T THERE
ANYTHING WE CAN DO
TO KEEP MAYNARD IN SCHOOL?
- I'M AWARE OF THE GRAVE
IMPORTANCE OF THIS MATTER,
MR. GILLIS,
SO I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
- ANYTHING, SIR.
ANYTHING TO KEEP
MAYNARD IN SCHOOL.
- ALL RIGHT.
FIND ME ONE MEMBER
OF THE FACULTY
WHO'S WILLING TO PUT UP WITH
KREBS FOR A FULL SEMESTER.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE OUT OF SCHOOL.
- NO, GOOD BUDDY. DON'T
QUIT. I MEAN, DON'T DUMP ME.
DON'T DROP ME LIKE A HOT TOMATO.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
POTATO, AND CALM DOWN.
I JUST REMEMBERED A
VERY INTELLIGENT MEMBER
OF THE FACULTY
WHO MIGHT BE WILLING
TO TAKE A CHANCE ON YOU.
- ANY MEMBER OF THE FACULTY
WHO WOULD TAKE A CHANCE ON ME
AIN'T INTELLIGENT.
- AND WHO ARE YOU
THINKING OF, MR. GILLIS?
- DR. BURKHART IN ARCHEOLOGY.
- THAT'S POSSIBLE.
SHE'S A WOMAN AND
THEREFORE SYMPATHETIC.
- AND UNDERSTANDING.
- AND SENSITIVE.
- AND HELPFUL.
- AND PUBLIC-SPIRITED.
- AND SOFT-HEADED.
- Both: SHE'LL DO IT.
- OVER MY DEAD BODY I'LL DO IT.
- PLEASE, DR. BURKHART,
DON'T BE HASTY.
GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT.
- VERY WELL. I'LL GIVE
IT SOME THOUGHT.
I'M GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT.
I'VE GIVEN IT SOME
THOUGHT, AND I WON'T DO IT.
- SHE'S GOT A POINT.
- DR. BURKHART,
DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW
VITAL THIS IS TO MAYNARD?
- I DON'T.
- PLEASE ACCEPT HIM IN
YOUR ARCHEOLOGY CLASS.
IT'LL CHANGE HIS WHOLE LIFE.
WHY, IF HE PASSES THE COURSE,
HE'LL BE ASSURED,
SELF-RELIANT, CONFIDENT.
- FLABBERGASTED.
- LOOK, MR. GILLIS, MR. KREBS,
I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING A
KIND-HEARTED PERSON, BUT...
- I WONDER WHY SO MANY
KIND-HEARTED PERSONS
ARE SO ANXIOUS TO
BOOT ME OUT OF SCHOOL.
- DR. BURKHART, WE CAME TO YOU
BECAUSE WE FELT THAT YOU'RE
A PERSON WHO'S SYMPATHETIC
AND UNDERSTANDING AND
SENSITIVE AND PUBLIC-SPIRITED.
- AND SOFT-HEADED.
- MAYNARD.
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- MR. KREBS, ANYONE WHO
INSPIRES SUCH LOYALTY IN A FRIEND
AS YOU INSPIRE IN MR. GILLIS
MUST HAVE SOMETHING
PRETTY WORTHWHILE INSIDE HIM.
- SO YOU'LL GIVE HIM A CHANCE?
- YOU'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE?
- I'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE,
AND MAY HEAVEN HAVE
MERCY ON MY SOUL.
- OH, GEE, THANKS, DR. BURKHART.
THANKS. YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
- YOU WANT TO BET?
- DR. B., YOU'RE ONE OF NATURE'S
NOBLEMEN LIKE DR. SCHWEITZER
OR FLORENCE
NIGHTINGALE OR BEN CASEY.
- MAYNARD, ARCHEOLOGY?
OH, COME NOW. HE CAN'T
EVEN PRONOUNCE IT.
- DAD, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
- IS IT TRUE?
- OH, IT'S TRUE, ALL
RIGHT. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR.
- I REST MY CASE.
- DAD, I'M AFRAID YOU
JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- OH, I UNDERSTAND. I
UNDERSTAND BUT GOOD, BOY.
YOU COLLEGE KIDS DON'T PAY
NO ATTENTION TO THE REST OF US
BECAUSE YOU THINK WE'RE A
BUNCH OF OLD FOGIES, DON'T YOU?
- EH, I'D RATHER NOT SAY, DAD.
- GO AHEAD. SAY, BOY,
SAY. I WON'T DO NOTHING.
- ALL RIGHT.
YES. SOMETIMES WE DO THINK
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF OLD FOGIES.
- I HAVE JUST CUT YOUR
SALARY THREE BUCKS A WEEK.
- DAD, YOU PROMISED.
YOU PROMISED.
- RIGHT.
AND THAT'LL JUST SHOW
YOU THAT US OLD FOGIES
IS TWICE AS SMART
AS YOU YOUNG FOGIES,
AND THREE TIMES AS TRICKY.
COLLEGE.
I AIN'T GOT A COLLEGE EDUCATION
AND I'M DOING ALL RIGHT.
LOOK AT THIS STORE HERE.
I DO THE BUYING, KEEP THE
BOOKS, TAKE THE INVENTORY,
AND RUN THE WHOLE
SHEBANG MYSELF.
CAN YOU STAND THERE AND TELL ME
THAT ANYBODY WHO
DOES THIS IS STUPID?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME?
ANSWER ME, BOY.
- I REFUSE TO ANSWER
ON THE GROUNDS
THAT I CAN'T AFFORD TO
LOSE ANOTHER $3 A WEEK.
- OKAY. YOU DON'T
HAVE TO ANSWER ME.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING
AND I'M CUTTING YOU
ANOTHER THREE BUCKS.
- DAD, CAN WE GET BACK
TO MAYNARD, PLEASE,
BEFORE I HAVE TO
DECLARE BANKRUPTCY?
- MAYNARD.
WHAT IS ALL THIS
TALK ABOUT MAYNARD?
YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO
HE AIN'T GOT ONE
CHANCE IN FIVE MILLION
OF PASSING THAT
ARCHEOLOGY COURSE.
WHY HE EVEN... HE
EVEN FLUNKS RECESS.
- BUT HE'S TRYING.
HE'S GIVING IT
EVERYTHING HE'S GOT.
DAY AND NIGHT HE'S GOT
HIS NOSE BURIED IN A BOOK.
- MR. KREBS.
- WHAT? WHO? WHERE?
- WE ARE STUDYING ARCHEOLOGY.
MAY ONE ASK WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
- ONE MAY.
RESEARCH.
- "PREHISTORIC PETE."
- YEAH. IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM
CATS IN THE OLDEN DAYS
WHO RAN AROUND IN THEIR BVDs.
- MR. KREBS, I'M TAKING THIS
COMIC BOOK TO THE DEAN.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
ASK HIM TO RETURN IT
WHEN HE'S FINISHED READING IT?
BECAUSE YOU SEE IT'S ALL
ABOUT THIS PREHISTORIC PETE
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND,
STONE AGE SARAH.
WHAT A DISH.
[WHISTLES]
- IF YOU PLEASE, THIS IS,
DESPITE APPEARANCES,
STILL A CLASS.
SO MAY WE RETURN TO OUR
STUDY OF THE STONE AGE?
WE MAY, OR YOU SHALL ALL
RECEIVE BRIGHT, SHINY Fs
ON YOUR REPORT CARD.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
MR. GILLIS, TELL US WHAT YOU
KNOW ABOUT THE STONE AGE.
- ME, DR. BURKHART?
- YOU, MR. GILLIS.
HAVE YOU READ
TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT?
AND OH, WHAT A FOOLISH QUESTION.
- TRUE.
- MR. GILLIS, I KNOW WHY
MR. KREBS, FOR BETTER OR WORSE,
IS TAKING THIS CLASS,
BUT WHY ARE YOU ENROLLED HERE,
AND OH, WHAT ANOTHER
FOOLISH QUESTION
AND GOOD MORNING, MISS OVERHOLT.
- GOOD MORNING, DR. BURKHART.
I KNOW OODLES
ABOUT THE STONE AGE.
JUST ASK ME.
- WELL, THAT'S A
REFRESHING NOVELTY.
TELL US WHAT YOU
KNOW, MISS OVERHOLT.
- THE STONE AGE IS THAT AGE
IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND
THAT WAS MARKED BY THE
FIRST USE OF STONE IMPLEMENTS.
IT IS GENERALLY
CONSIDERED TO HAVE BEGUN
APPROXIMATELY 20,000 YEARS AGO.
THE STONE AGE PRECEDED
THE BRONZE AND IRON AGES.
- WELL, THAT'S AN EXCELLENT
RECITATION, MISS OVERHOLT.
FROM WHAT ENCYCLOPEDIA DID
YOU GET THIS VALUABLE INFORMATION?
- WHAT ENCYCLOPEDIA?
FROM MAYNARD'S COPY
OF "PREHISTORIC PETE."
- VERY FUNNY, MISS OVERHOLT.
CLASS, WE SHALL SEE WHO HAS
THE LAST LAUGH COME GRADING TIME.
- OH!
- NOW, STUDENTS, TO
OUR NEXT PROJECT.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT
IN THIS VERY CLASSROOM,
WE'RE ONLY A FEW MILES FROM
THE HOME OF A RACE OF CRUDE,
PRIMITIVE SAVAGES?
- WHAT FEW MILES?
MY FAMILY ONLY LIVES
TWO BLOCKS AWAY.
- NO, MR. KREBS.
I'M REFERRING TO
THE WASATCH HILLS
ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN.
OUT THERE, A FEW
THOUSAND YEARS AGO,
LIVED A TRIBE OF CAVE-DWELLING
INDIANS WHO LOOKED LIKE THIS.
STONE AGE INDIANS
HUNTING WILD BEASTS BY
DAY WITH PRIMITIVE WEAPONS,
HUDDLING AT NIGHT IN
DARK, CHEERLESS CAVES,
AND STUDENTS, WE
ARE GOING TO SEE THEM.
- THE INDIANS?
- THE CAVES.
THE TRIBE ITSELF HAS
LONG SINCE VANISHED
INTO THE DARKNESS OF TIME,
BUT THE CAVES STILL REMAIN,
AND STUDENTS, WE ARE
GOING TO EXPLORE THEM.
AND PERHAPS, IF WE'RE
LUCKY, WE'LL FIND AN ARTIFACT.
- LIKE, ARTIFACT?
- LIKE, ARTIFACT.
A REMNANT OF A
KNIFE, COOKING BOWL,
PERHAPS AN ARROWHEAD.
SOMETHING THAT
WILL AID THE CLASS
IN ITS STUDY OF THE STONE AGE.
NOW, WE HAVE BUS TRANSPORTATION
TO THE WASATCH HILLS
FOR ONLY HALF THE
CLASS AT ONE TIME,
SO WE SHALL DIVIDE
INTO TWO GROUPS.
- DR. BURKHART, YOU MEAN
WE'LL BE UP THERE IN THE HILLS
WHERE IT'S QUIET AND PEACEFUL
WITH LOTS OF LONELY, ISOLATED,
ROMANTIC TRAILS AND LIKE THAT?
- PRECISELY, MR. GILLIS.
AND THAT'S PRECISELY WHY I'VE
ASSIGNED YOU AND MISS OVERHOLT
TO SEPARATE GROUPS.
- NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, DR. BURKHART.
- CHIN UP, MR. GILLIS,
YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
- NO, BUT YOU CAN
SURE LOSE THEM ALL.
I KNOW.
- OH, THERE THEY ARE,
THE STONE AGE CAVES.
NOW, THE ENTRANCE IS
JUST PAST THAT RIDGE.
FOLLOW ME.
- HEY, GIRL, AIN'T YOU
FORGOT SOMETHING?
- WHAT?
- THE REST OF YOUR OUTFIT.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS ALL OF
IT. IT'S THE LATEST STYLE.
- MAN, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE
IN, JUST LIKE STONE AGE SARAH.
- HURRY UP, MAYNARD, THE
CLASS IS GETTING WAY AHEAD.
- I CAN'T GO NO FARTHER.
MY FEET ARE ACHING
FROM HEAD TO TOE.
- WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU WEAR HEAVY SHOES
LIKE DR. BURKHART SUGGESTED?
- BECAUSE I AIN'T
GOT NO HEAVY SHOES,
SO I WORE TWO PAIR OF SNEAKERS.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE THE
STRANGEST FELLOW I EVER MET.
- WELL, WE ALL GOT TO
BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.
- I BETTER GO CATCH UP
WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS.
I'LL ASK THEM TO SLOW
DOWN AND WAIT FOR YOU.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL.
OOH, MAN. I'M ALL FOOT.
WHOA!
OH, MAN, IT'S DARK IN HERE,
AND SPOOKY, AND DAMP
AND DANK, AND SPONGY.
JUST LIKE MY ROOM AT HOME.
HEY, I WONDER WHERE THOSE LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN OF THE STONE AGE
PUT A LIGHT SWITCH.
MAN, THAT'S SERVICE.
LIKE, THANKS.
THANKS? LIKE, THANKS WHO?
OH, LIKE, HI.
EXCUSE ME FOR BARGING IN
LIKE THIS, YOUR INDIANSHIP,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
NOBODY WAS HOME.
MY NAME IS KREBS, MAYNARD G.
- UGH.
- THAT'S YOUR NAME,
UGH? UGH WHO?
- UGH.
- OH, I DIG. UGH-UG, HUH?
I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE WALLA WALLA,
OR SIMONE SIMONE OR HILDEGARD.
- UGH.
- KREBS.
OH, MAN.
HEY... HEY, DID YOU PAINT THIS?
- GAGUN.
- OH, IT'S, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL.
OOH.
HEY, DID YOU PAINT THAT TOO?
- HIGA.
- THAT'S, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL TOO.
AND MAN, THAT'S GOOD WORK.
I MEAN, YOU'RE ANOTHER
FUZZY MIKE ANGELO.
HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN?
- YE.
- YEAH.
MY TEACHER, DR. BURKHART,
BRUNG US OUT HERE
TO GO EXPLORING THESE CAVES
ON ACCOUNT OF THEY'RE
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
- AHGAGOO.
- WHAT'S SO SPECIAL?
MY GOOD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT
ONCE UPON A TIME,
YEARS AND YEARS AGO,
THESE CAVES WERE INHIBITED
BY STONE AGE INDIANS?
- AHGONAH.
- PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT.
LET ME SEE. WHERE WAS I?
OH, ONCE UPON A TIME AGO,
THESE CAVES WERE LOADED
WITH PREHISTORIC CHARACTERS
WHO HAD LONG STRINGY HAIR
AND BEAUTIFUL COATS OF FUR
AND CLOTHES MADE
OUT OF SKINS OF ANIMALS
AND SHOES, LIKE,
TIED ON THEIR FEET.
- HIGOO.
- YEAH, LIKE THAT.
ANYHOW, DR. BURKHART BRUNG
US UP HERE TO LOOK FOR ARTIFACTS.
- AGAGO.
- ARTIFACTS.
THAT'S THE STUFF
THAT WAS LEFT BEHIND
WHEN THEY, LIKE,
VARNISHED INTO THIN AIR,
YOU KNOW, LIKE KNIFES AND AXESES
AND ARROWS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
YEAH. YOU GOT THE IDEA.
- AGOGO.
- OH, GEE, LIKE, THANKS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE LIKE
A REAL HUMAN BEING,
MORE OR LESS.
HEY, I WANT TO GIVE A
PRESENT TO YOU TOO.
HERE, YOU CAN READ THIS
IN CASE YOUR TELEVISION
GOES ON THE BLINK, YOU SEE?
THAT'S PREHISTORIC PETE,
AND HE LIVED IN A CAVE TOO.
HEY, MAYBE YOU HAVE
THE SAME LANDLORDS, HUH?
WELL, I GOT TO BE GOING NOW,
BECAUSE WHEN DR. B.
FINDS ME MISSING,
SHE'S GOING TO START WORRYING.
THAT IS, AFTER SHE
STOPS APPLAUDING.
OH, THIS? IT'S A CAMERA.
LIKE, WATCH. SEE?
DON'T BE SCARED.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST
A CAMERA, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT. NOW READY?
SAY CHEESE.
IT'S LIKE MAGIC.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE ABBA ABBA...
- ABRACADABRA.
- YEAH. THAT'S IT.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
- AH, OOHNAGA.
- SURE, YOU CAN HAVE IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
COURTESY OF THE HOUSE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT THEY ALWAYS SAY
THAT IN THE MOVIES.
HEY, HOW DO I, LIKE, GET
OUT OF HERE, ANYWAY?
OH, GEE, LIKE, THANK
YOU FOR YOUR COURTESY,
AND YOU'RE A TRUE BLUE HOST.
- AHGOGO.
- WE'LL HAVE LUNCH
SOMETIME. YOU BRING THE EATS.
- AMAZING.
- INCREDIBLE.
- UNBELIEVABLE.
- THAT'S WHAT MY
FATHER KEPT SAYING,
BUT AFTER A WHILE
HE GOT USED TO ME.
- NO. NOT YOU, MAYNARD,
THE STONE AXE YOU
BROUGHT BACK WITH YOU.
- DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS IS?
- SURE. AN AXE.
- RIGHT.
- MADE OF STONE.
- RIGHT.
- FROM THE STONE AGE.
- RIGHT.
NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT
YOU'VE BROUGHT BACK?
- YEAH. AN AXE MADE OF
STONE FROM THE STONE AGE.
- EXACTLY.
AND MAYNARD, YOU
STILL DON'T GET IT.
- THIS THING IS
THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD.
- IT'S GENUINE.
IT MATCHES THIS PICTURE IN MY
ARCHEOLOGY BOOK PERFECTLY.
- YEAH. WHERE'D YOU
FIND IT, MAYNARD?
- A MAN GAVE IT TO ME.
- A MAN? WHO? WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- UGH.
- HUH?
- NOT HUH, UGH. AS A
MATTER OF FACT, UGH-UG.
- WHERE'D YOU MEET
THIS MR. UGH-UG?
- IN A CAVE. THAT'S
WHERE HE LIVES.
- MM-HM.
HIS NAME IS UGH-UG, AND
HE LIVES IN A CAVE, HUH?
- YOU'RE A LITTLE SLOW,
MR. G., BUT YOU'RE CATCHING ON.
- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME.
TOMORROW YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THIS AXE TO DR. BURKHART,
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- AND SHE'S GONNA BE
VERY PROUD OF YOU,
BECAUSE THIS IS A HISTORIC
RELIC, A TRULY REMARKABLE FIND,
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- AND ON ACCOUNT OF THIS
REMARKABLE DISCOVERY,
SHE'S GOING TO GIVE YOU A
GOOD GRADE IN ARCHEOLOGY,
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- SO WHEN YOU GIVE HER THE AXE,
KINDLY KEEP YOUR
RIDICULOUS, IDIOTIC,
SCREWY STORY TO
YOURSELF, NO OFFENSE,
AND JUST TELL HER YOU
FOUND THE AXE IN A CAVE
AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.
- BUT, DOBE, THAT'S A FIB.
- MAYNARD, IT'S
JUST A LITTLE FIB,
AND A LITTLE FIB IS OKAY
AS LONG AS IT'S TOLD TO PROTECT
SOMEBODY FROM SOMETHING.
- PROTECT WHO FROM WHAT?
- YOU, FROM GETTING DRAGGED
OFF TO THE BOOBY BARN.
- OKAY. I'LL DO IT, DOBE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IT, BUT I'LL DO IT.
- BELIEVE ME, MAYNARD,
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- OKAY. I'LL JUST
TELL DR. BURKHART
I WANDERED INTO THIS
CAVE AND FOUND THIS AXE
THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD.
BUT I NEVER TOLD A LIE BEFORE.
- MAYNARD, YOU NEVER PASSED
A COURSE BEFORE, EITHER.
- MEET MAYNARD G.
KREBS, BOY FIBBER.
- LOOK AT THESE.
NEWSPAPER STORIES
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD
ABOUT MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
A STONE AGE AXE
FROM A HILLSIDE CAVE
LIFTED HIM FROM THE LOWEST
DEPTHS TO THE HIGHEST HEIGHTS.
YES, MAYNARD WAS THE
HERO OF THE CAMPUS.
THE MEMBERS OF THE FACULTY
PRAISED MAYNARD TO THE SKIES.
HE'D BROUGHT GREAT FAME TO
S. PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.
MAYNARD LOVED THE ATTENTION.
IN FACT, HE ATE IT UP.
AND FINALLY THE GRAND CLIMAX.
MAYNARD WAS GIVEN THE AWARD
AS ARCHEOLOGY'S MAN OF THE YEAR.
YES, THOSE WERE GOOD DAYS
IN THE LIFE OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
HE WAS A HERO, A SCHOLAR,
A GIANT AMONG MEN.
- A BUM!
- YOU SHOULDN'T CALL
MR. KREBS NAMES LIKE THAT.
- NO?
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL HIM?
- WELL, A BUM.
- MR. KREBS, THAT STONE
AGE AXE IS A PHONY.
- IT'S AN IMITATION.
I TESTED IT MYSELF FOR
RADIO CARBON CONTENT.
THAT'S AN ABSOLUTELY
FOOLPROOF WAY OF DETERMINING
HOW OLD A RELIC IS.
- MY UNCLE MARGARET CAN
TELL HOW OLD A HORSE WAS.
WHAT THEY DO IS OPEN UP THE
HORSE'S MOUTH AND LOOK IN,
AND IF THEY WERE NO
TEETH, HE'S AN OLD HORSE.
- THIS AXE ISN'T
20,000 YEARS OLD.
WHY, IT ISN'T 20 YEARS OLD.
IN FACT, ACCORDING TO
THE RADIO CARBON TEST,
IT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN
MADE A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO
WHICH HAPPENS TO BE EXACTLY
THE DAY YOU VISITED THE CAVE,
MR. KREBS.
- LIKE, FANCY THAT.
- THAT AXE IS AN
INGENIOUS FORGERY.
- MR. KREBS, I TRUSTED YOU.
I BELIEVED YOU, AND
YOU DECEIVE ME LIKE THIS.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO
BE SO TRICKY, SO DECEITFUL,
SO EVIL?
- WATCHING GANGSTER PICTURES
ON THE LATE MOVIE ON TV.
- KREBS, TELL US THE
TRUTH ABOUT THIS AXE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOUR DEANSHIP.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE FIBBED
AND SAID I FOUND IT.
- AAH, THAT'S BETTER.
ALL RIGHT. WHERE
DID IT COME FROM?
- FROM UGH.
- UGH? WHO?
- UGH-UG.
- KREBS, THE TRUTH.
- YOU REALLY WANT ME TO
TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED?
- SO MAYNARD TOLD THEM THE
STORY ABOUT HIS INDIAN FRIEND.
HE TOLD IT SO SIMPLY, SO
HONESTLY, SO DIRECTLY,
THAT WHEN HE WAS FINISHED,
THERE WAS ONLY ONE
THING THEY COULD SAY.
- KREBS, YOU'RE LYING.
- MR. KREBS, DO YOU EXPECT
US TO BELIEVE THAT STORY?
- NO.
- DR. BURKHART, DO YOU THINK
THAT BOY HAS FLIPPED HIS WIG
ENTIRELY?
- I DO.
- DEAN MAGRUDER, BEFORE
YOU DO ANYTHING DRASTIC,
I SUGGEST THAT WE
DRIVE OUT TO THE CAVES.
- THE CAVES?
- TO GIVE MR. KREBS A CHANCE
TO PRODUCE HIS FRIEND UGH.
- DR. BURKHART, YOU'RE
NOT SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING
THAT THERE REALLY IS A
STONE AGE INDIAN OUT THERE,
ARE YOU?
- SURE SHE IS.
WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?
HOW'D YOU EVER GET TO BE DEAN?
- NO, DEAN MAGRUDER.
I CERTAINLY DON'T THINK THAT
THERE'S A STONE AGE INDIAN
OUT THERE, BUT THERE
MIGHT BE SOMEBODY,
PERHAPS AN ECCENTRIC
HERMIT WITH THE DELUSION
THAT HE'S LIVING IN
PREHISTORIC TIMES.
SUCH A PERSON MIGHT
WELL HAVE FOOLED MR. KREBS.
- YEAH. IT'S A CINCH TO PULL
THE WOOD OVER MY EYES.
I'M GULLIVER.
- MR. KREBS, THAT'S
WOOL, GULLIBLE,
AND THE WHOLE
IDEA IS RIDICULOUS.
- IS IT?
AFTER ALL, SOMEBODY
MADE THIS AXE.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME,
YOUR PROFESSORSHIP.
IN KINDERGARTEN I
FLUNKED SAND PILE.
- REMEMBER, WE
CAME THROUGH HERE.
- YES. YES.
AND THEN WE WENT AROUND HERE...
AND THROUGH THERE.
- AND WHEN I LEFT, MAYNARD
WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE.
- UGH, GOOD BUDDY, IT'S
ME, MAYNARD G. KREBS,
WITH THE CAMERA AND COMIC
BOOK. DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
HEY, OPEN UP, UGH.
UGH!
MAYBE HE WENT OUT SHOPPING.
- YES.
TO THE SUPERMARKET FOR A
DOZEN FRESH DINOSAUR EGGS.
COME, DR. BURKHART,
MISS OVERHOLT, WE'VE
WASTED ENOUGH TIME.
- MAYNARD, YOU'D BETTER
DRIVE BACK WITH US.
- NO. I THINK I'LL STICK
AROUND AND WAIT FOR UGH.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD
THINKING, KREBS.
HE'S PROBABLY NEXT DOOR VISITING
HIS FRIENDS THE FLINTSTONES.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- GOOD LUCK, MAYNARD.
- OH, YES, KREBS,
COME TO ATTENTION.
KREBS, DISMISSED.
- MAN, IT'S, LIKE, DRAFTY.
EXPELLED, DISGRACED, BOOTED,
AND THEY TOOK AWAY
ALL MY SHINY NEW MEDALS.
I'M, LIKE, DOOMED,
DOOMED, DOOMED.
AND ALL BECAUSE UGH
WOULDN'T OPEN HIS DOOR.
OH, THERE YOU ARE,
MR. UGH. WHERE WERE YOU
WHEN I NEEDED YOU?
- AGABOO.
- OH, ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES,
WE'VE GOT TO TALK BUSINESS.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
GO BACK TO THE SCHOOL
SO I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO
THE DEAN AND DR. BURKHART?
THEY'RE NICE
PEOPLE, BOTH OF THEM.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR
THE DEAN, AND DR. B.
AIN'T EXACTLY THE
GREATEST NEITHER.
- AGABOO.
- YOU WON'T?
- OBIDO.
- YOU LIKE PRIVACY?
- AGURA.
- AND THAT'S WHY
YOU LIVE IN A CAVE.
- BUDADON.
- AND YOU WANT PEACE AND QUIET
AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE
BUGGING YOU ALL THE TIME.
- GIGUN.
- EXCEPT FOR ME,
'CAUSE I AIN'T LIKE PEOPLE.
LIKE, THANK YOU.
WELL, I GUESS NOBODY'S
EVER GONNA BELIEVE
YOU'RE FOR REAL. I GUESS
IT'S LIKE FLUNKSVILLE
FOR MAYNARD G. KREBS.
DOOM. DOOM. DOOM.
- GIGUNBILL.
- YOU GOT, LIKE, AN IDEA?
- GAGAGEE.
- OH, I DIG.
I TAKE THIS PICTURE
BACK TO SCHOOL,
AND I SHOW IT TO THE
DEAN AND DR. BURKHART,
THEN THEY KNOW YOU'RE FOR REAL
AND NOT JUST A PIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION.
- AHGOOBA.
- OH, YEAH. FIGMENT.
THANKS A LOT, MR. UGH.
YOU'RE LIKE A REAL HUMAN
BEING, A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT,
AND A GREAT AMERICAN.
- AHGOOBA.
GAGEENGILL BOOBAH.
- OH, YEAH. I'M SORRY.
TO YOU ALL AMERICANS
IS IMMIGRANTS, HUH? YEAH.
OH, MAN, WAIT TILL THE DEAN AND
DR. BURKHART SEE THIS PICTURE.
THEY GOT TO KNOW
YOU'RE FOR REAL.
- AMAZING.
- INCREDIBLE.
- UNBELIEVABLE.
- THAT'S WHAT MY
FATHER KEPT SAYING,
BUT AFTER A WHILE
HE GOT USED TO ME.
- MAYNARD, YOU ALREADY DID THAT.
- MR. KREBS, YOU HAVE DISCOVERED
A MEMBER OF A VESTIGIAL
STONE AGE COMMUNITY
THAT HAS MIRACULOUSLY CONTINUED
TO EXIST AFTER 20,000 YEARS.
- YOU MEAN MR. UGH
IS 20,000 YEARS OLD?
MAN, HE SURE IS WELL-PRESERVED.
HE DIDN'T LOOK A
DAY OVER 10,000.
- NO, MAYNARD.
IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT YOUR
FRIEND IS THE LAST SURVIVING MEMBER
OF A TRIBE THAT HASN'T ALTERED
ITS CUSTOMS OR WAY OF LIFE
SINCE THE STONE AGE.
- IMAGINE, HIDDEN
AWAY IN THOSE CAVES.
THEIR FIRST CONTACT
WITH MODERN CIVILIZATION
WAS WHEN THIS FELLOW UGH
RAN INTO MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- DEAN MAGRUDER,
DON'T FORGET THIS TREMENDOUS
SCIENTIFIC ACCOMPLISHMENT
WAS ACHIEVED BY MAYNARD
AND MAYNARD ALONE.
- OH... OH, YES, OF COURSE.
KREBS, MY BOY,
ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE JOINED
THE IMMORTALS OF SCIENCE.
- HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT,
AND I FLUNKED LONG DIVISION.
- OH, ONCE THIS HITS
THE NEWSPAPERS,
EVERY SCIENTIST IN AMERICA
WILL COME HERE TO MEET UGH.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
- YES, AND HE'LL PROBABLY
BE INVITED TO WASHINGTON.
NEW YORK WILL GIVE HIM
A TICKER TAPE PARADE.
- THE FIRST THING WE HAVE TO
DO IS TO MAKE HIM PRESENTABLE.
- PRESENTABLE?
YOU MEAN LIKE A SHAVE, A HAIRCUT
AND CLOTHES AND HARD SHOES?
- YES.
- I DON'T KNOW.
MR. UGH AIN'T BUILT
FOR THAT KIND OF LIFE.
- WE'LL MOVE HIM
OUT OF THAT CAVE
AND RIGHT INTO OUR MUSEUM.
- BUT HE'S AN
INDEPENDENT SPIRIT.
HE DON'T LIKE TO BE LOCKED UP.
- HE HAS NO CHOICE.
HE HAS TO. SCIENCE DEMANDS IT.
- POOR, MR. UGH. I'M
GETTING ALL MISTY.
- SO WE ALL DROVE OUT
TO THE CAVES AGAIN,
AND YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WE FELT,
LIKE PIONEERS IN AN
UNDISCOVERED WORLD,
LIKE COLUMBUS OR
MAGELLAN OR ROD SERLING.
WE DECIDED THAT MAYNARD
SHOULD GO INTO THE CAVE
BY HIMSELF FIRST,
TO MAKE SURE HIS FRIEND UGH
WOULDN'T GET
SCARED AND HIDE AWAY.
- THEY'RE OUTSIDE WAITING.
THEY SENT ME IN FIRST TO
SEE IF YOU WANT TO SEE THEM.
- AGOOBA?
- NO. JUST THE DEAN, MY TEACHER,
AND MY GOOD BUDDY, DOBE.
- AGOO.
- I GOT TO WARN YOU,
MR. UGH, YOU'RE, LIKE, FAMOUS,
AND PEOPLE WANT
TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE
AND STUDY YOU AND ALL LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE FACE TO FACE
WITH CIVILIZATION.
- IGABOO.
- YOU'LL HAVE TO
WEAR A COAT AND A TIE.
- AGIBA.
- AND REAL HARD SHOES.
- AGOOBA.
- YEAH. I KNOW HOW
YOU FEEL, MR. UGH.
CIVILIZATION IS ROUGH.
I MEAN, ALL THEM HOUSES AND
STORES AND ELECTRIC LIGHTS
AND THEM BIG WIDE ROADS
SO FOLKS CAN CRAWL
BUMPER TO BUMPER AND SMOG,
AND WONDER DRUGS
THAT CURE DISEASES
BEFORE THEY'RE EVEN INVENTED.
BUT THERE'S MOVIES ABOUT THE
MONSTER WHO DEVOURED CLEVELAND,
AND INDIANS AND COWBOYS
FIGHTING ON TV AND...
- BOBO?
- NO. THE INDIANS ALWAYS LOSE.
AND TANKS AND GUNS AND ROCKETS
AND MISSILES AND ANTI-MISSILES
AND ANTI-MISSILE MISSILES,
AND ANTI-MISSILE MISSILE
MISSILES, AND BOMBS
AND FALLOUT SHELTERS, AND...
- IMBABA?
- I SCARED MYSELF.
IF THERE'S A BACK
DOOR TO THIS CAVE,
YOU BETTER ZOOM OUT
AND FORGET YOU EVER
HEARD ABOUT CIVILIZATION.
- OOMBABA.
- NO. I MEAN IT, MR. UGH.
I MEAN, TAKE YOUR STONE AXES
AND YOUR KNIFE AND YOUR PICTURES
AND HEAD FOR THE
DEEP, DEEP HILLS,
AND LEAVE CIVILIZATION
TO US. WE'RE STUCK WITH IT.
- OH!
ATABOOGA.
- ATABOOGA TO YOU
TOO, SIR. IT'S BEEN A GAS.
- OPEN UP, MAYNARD. OPEN UP.
- COMING.
AND SO IS TROUBLE.
- WELL, WHERE IS HE?
WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND, UGH?
- DEAN? THERE AIN'T
NO PERSON NAMED UGH.
- MAYNARD!
- IT'S TRUE, DOBE.
I MADE HIM OUT UP OUT MY HEAD.
- MR. KREBS, YOU DIDN'T.
- DR. B., I DID.
- KREBS, THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.
YOU'LL PAY FOR
THIS, I PROMISE YOU.
- PLEASE, DEAN MAGRUDER,
TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
MAYNARD'S ALWAYS
BEEN A LITTLE OFFBEAT.
- I'LL OFFBEAT HIM.
DRAGGING US HERE TWICE TO MEET
SOME PREPOSTEROUS CREATURE
WHO ONLY EXISTS IN
HIS TWISTED IMAGINATION.
- WELL, I'M STILL NOT
CONVINCED OF THAT, SIR.
LOOK. SEE?
FRESH PAINT, AND IT
STILL ISN'T FINISHED.
I'VE STUDIED PAINTINGS OF
THE STONE AGE ERA FOR YEARS,
AND THIS IS PERFECT.
THE STYLE, DESIGN,
COLOR, EVERYTHING.
- MAYNARD, THERE IS
AN INDIAN, ISN'T THERE?
- OF COURSE THERE IS.
MAYNARD WOULDN'T LIE.
MAYNARD, TELL US WHERE HE IS.
- THERE AIN'T NO INDIAN,
AND I AIN'T GONNA
TELL YOU WHERE HE IS,
'CAUSE IF I DO,
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM WEAR
HARD SHOES, A COAT AND A TIE,
AND YOU'LL DRAG HIM OUT LIKE
HE WAS SOME KIND OF FREAK,
AND EVERYBODY WILL PUSH
HIM AND SHOVE HIM AND POKE HIM.
- YOU MIGHT AS
WELL GIVE UP, SIR,
MAYNARD'S NOT GONNA
HELP YOU. ARE YOU, MAYNARD?
- I MADE UP MY HEAD.
- WE COULD HIRE
BULLDOZERS AND TRACTORS
TO TEAR UP THIS ENTIRE
MOUNTAIN UNTIL WE FIND HIM.
- TRUE.
AND WHAT IF WE DON'T FIND HIM?
WHAT IF WE SPEND TWO OR
$300,000 DIGGING UP THIS MOUNTAIN
AND FIND NO INDIAN?
AND THEN THE STATE
LEGISLATURE CALLS US
AND ASKS US WHY DID YOU
SPEND ALL THAT MONEY?
AND WE SAY, A FELLOW TOLD US
THERE WAS AN INDIAN AROUND HERE.
AND THEY SAY WHAT FELLOW,
AND WE INTRODUCE OUR STAR
WITNESS, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- I SEE YOUR POINT.
WELL, YOU GOT ANOTHER IDEA?
- YOU BET I DO.
IT'S AN IDEA I'VE USED WITH
GREAT SUCCESS IN THE PAST.
EVERY TIME I'M IN A SITUATION
THAT'S UTTERLY
IMPOSSIBLE LIKE THIS,
I SLOWLY REPEAT,
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
- Both: THE WHOLE
THING NEVER HAPPENED.
- THE WHOLE THING
NEVER HAPPENED.
- THE WHOLE THING
NEVER HAPPENED.
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
- GOOD NIGHT, MR. UGH.
- AGOOGA, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
FACULTY, HONORED GUESTS,
IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE
TO PRESENT THIS MAN OF THE
YEAR MEDAL IN ARCHEOLOGY
TO A GREAT GENTLEMAN, A GREAT
SCHOLAR, A GREAT SCIENTIST,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- NO, YOUR EYES WEREN'T
PLAYING TRICKS ON YOU.
THIS REALLY IS MY
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS.
SPOOKY, HUH?
I MEAN, UP TO NOW, SCIENCE WAS
INTERESTED IN STUDYING MAYNARD.
WELL, IT ALL STARTED A
COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO
WHEN MAYNARD AND THE DEAN
WERE HAVING A LITTLE MEETING.
AT THAT TIME TOO, THE DEAN WAS
CONCERNED WITH MAYNARD'S FUTURE
IN THE ACADEMIC WORLD.
- YOU'RE EXPELLED.
- DOBE, I GOT A FUNNY FEELING
HE'S TRYING TO
TELL ME SOMETHING.
- MAYNARD, PAY ATTENTION.
- KREBS, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT THESE WRETCHED,
SHAMEFUL, DEPLORABLE
MIDTERM GRADES OF YOURS?
- THEY'RE WRETCHED,
SHAMEFUL AND DEPORTABLE.
- THAT'S DEPLORABLE.
AND KREBS, YOUR SCHOOL RECORD
IS A DISGRACE TO THE COLLEGE,
A BLOT ON THE ENTIRE
ACADEMIC WORLD,
A PITIFUL DISPLAY.
- IF YOU DON'T
LIKE MY WORK, SIR,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.
JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.
- KREBS, I'M A KIND-HEARTED
MAN. I DON'T WANT TO EXPEL YOU.
- I'LL GIVE YOU A BREAK.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
- DEAN MAGRUDER, MAY I SAY A
FEW WORDS IN MAYNARD'S DEFENSE?
- ALL RIGHT. ALL
RIGHT. GO AHEAD.
- I CAN'T THINK OF ANY.
NO. NO. I MEAN, PLEASE GIVE
MAYNARD ANOTHER CHANCE, SIR.
- I'D BE HAPPY TO
IF YOU CAN GIVE ME ONE REASON
FOR THESE DREADFUL MARKS.
- THAT'S EASY. THEY
WON'T LET ME CHEAT.
- KREBS.
- SIR, ISN'T THERE
ANYTHING WE CAN DO
TO KEEP MAYNARD IN SCHOOL?
- I'M AWARE OF THE GRAVE
IMPORTANCE OF THIS MATTER,
MR. GILLIS,
SO I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.
- ANYTHING, SIR.
ANYTHING TO KEEP
MAYNARD IN SCHOOL.
- ALL RIGHT.
FIND ME ONE MEMBER
OF THE FACULTY
WHO'S WILLING TO PUT UP WITH
KREBS FOR A FULL SEMESTER.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE OUT OF SCHOOL.
- NO, GOOD BUDDY. DON'T
QUIT. I MEAN, DON'T DUMP ME.
DON'T DROP ME LIKE A HOT TOMATO.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
POTATO, AND CALM DOWN.
I JUST REMEMBERED A
VERY INTELLIGENT MEMBER
OF THE FACULTY
WHO MIGHT BE WILLING
TO TAKE A CHANCE ON YOU.
- ANY MEMBER OF THE FACULTY
WHO WOULD TAKE A CHANCE ON ME
AIN'T INTELLIGENT.
- AND WHO ARE YOU
THINKING OF, MR. GILLIS?
- DR. BURKHART IN ARCHEOLOGY.
- THAT'S POSSIBLE.
SHE'S A WOMAN AND
THEREFORE SYMPATHETIC.
- AND UNDERSTANDING.
- AND SENSITIVE.
- AND HELPFUL.
- AND PUBLIC-SPIRITED.
- AND SOFT-HEADED.
- Both: SHE'LL DO IT.
- OVER MY DEAD BODY I'LL DO IT.
- PLEASE, DR. BURKHART,
DON'T BE HASTY.
GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT.
- VERY WELL. I'LL GIVE
IT SOME THOUGHT.
I'M GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT.
I'VE GIVEN IT SOME
THOUGHT, AND I WON'T DO IT.
- SHE'S GOT A POINT.
- DR. BURKHART,
DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW
VITAL THIS IS TO MAYNARD?
- I DON'T.
- PLEASE ACCEPT HIM IN
YOUR ARCHEOLOGY CLASS.
IT'LL CHANGE HIS WHOLE LIFE.
WHY, IF HE PASSES THE COURSE,
HE'LL BE ASSURED,
SELF-RELIANT, CONFIDENT.
- FLABBERGASTED.
- LOOK, MR. GILLIS, MR. KREBS,
I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEING A
KIND-HEARTED PERSON, BUT...
- I WONDER WHY SO MANY
KIND-HEARTED PERSONS
ARE SO ANXIOUS TO
BOOT ME OUT OF SCHOOL.
- DR. BURKHART, WE CAME TO YOU
BECAUSE WE FELT THAT YOU'RE
A PERSON WHO'S SYMPATHETIC
AND UNDERSTANDING AND
SENSITIVE AND PUBLIC-SPIRITED.
- AND SOFT-HEADED.
- MAYNARD.
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- MR. KREBS, ANYONE WHO
INSPIRES SUCH LOYALTY IN A FRIEND
AS YOU INSPIRE IN MR. GILLIS
MUST HAVE SOMETHING
PRETTY WORTHWHILE INSIDE HIM.
- SO YOU'LL GIVE HIM A CHANCE?
- YOU'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE?
- I'LL GIVE YOU A CHANCE,
AND MAY HEAVEN HAVE
MERCY ON MY SOUL.
- OH, GEE, THANKS, DR. BURKHART.
THANKS. YOU WON'T REGRET THIS.
- YOU WANT TO BET?
- DR. B., YOU'RE ONE OF NATURE'S
NOBLEMEN LIKE DR. SCHWEITZER
OR FLORENCE
NIGHTINGALE OR BEN CASEY.
- MAYNARD, ARCHEOLOGY?
OH, COME NOW. HE CAN'T
EVEN PRONOUNCE IT.
- DAD, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
- IS IT TRUE?
- OH, IT'S TRUE, ALL
RIGHT. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR.
- I REST MY CASE.
- DAD, I'M AFRAID YOU
JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- OH, I UNDERSTAND. I
UNDERSTAND BUT GOOD, BOY.
YOU COLLEGE KIDS DON'T PAY
NO ATTENTION TO THE REST OF US
BECAUSE YOU THINK WE'RE A
BUNCH OF OLD FOGIES, DON'T YOU?
- EH, I'D RATHER NOT SAY, DAD.
- GO AHEAD. SAY, BOY,
SAY. I WON'T DO NOTHING.
- ALL RIGHT.
YES. SOMETIMES WE DO THINK
YOU'RE A BUNCH OF OLD FOGIES.
- I HAVE JUST CUT YOUR
SALARY THREE BUCKS A WEEK.
- DAD, YOU PROMISED.
YOU PROMISED.
- RIGHT.
AND THAT'LL JUST SHOW
YOU THAT US OLD FOGIES
IS TWICE AS SMART
AS YOU YOUNG FOGIES,
AND THREE TIMES AS TRICKY.
COLLEGE.
I AIN'T GOT A COLLEGE EDUCATION
AND I'M DOING ALL RIGHT.
LOOK AT THIS STORE HERE.
I DO THE BUYING, KEEP THE
BOOKS, TAKE THE INVENTORY,
AND RUN THE WHOLE
SHEBANG MYSELF.
CAN YOU STAND THERE AND TELL ME
THAT ANYBODY WHO
DOES THIS IS STUPID?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME?
ANSWER ME, BOY.
- I REFUSE TO ANSWER
ON THE GROUNDS
THAT I CAN'T AFFORD TO
LOSE ANOTHER $3 A WEEK.
- OKAY. YOU DON'T
HAVE TO ANSWER ME.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING
AND I'M CUTTING YOU
ANOTHER THREE BUCKS.
- DAD, CAN WE GET BACK
TO MAYNARD, PLEASE,
BEFORE I HAVE TO
DECLARE BANKRUPTCY?
- MAYNARD.
WHAT IS ALL THIS
TALK ABOUT MAYNARD?
YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO
HE AIN'T GOT ONE
CHANCE IN FIVE MILLION
OF PASSING THAT
ARCHEOLOGY COURSE.
WHY HE EVEN... HE
EVEN FLUNKS RECESS.
- BUT HE'S TRYING.
HE'S GIVING IT
EVERYTHING HE'S GOT.
DAY AND NIGHT HE'S GOT
HIS NOSE BURIED IN A BOOK.
- MR. KREBS.
- WHAT? WHO? WHERE?
- WE ARE STUDYING ARCHEOLOGY.
MAY ONE ASK WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
- ONE MAY.
RESEARCH.
- "PREHISTORIC PETE."
- YEAH. IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM
CATS IN THE OLDEN DAYS
WHO RAN AROUND IN THEIR BVDs.
- MR. KREBS, I'M TAKING THIS
COMIC BOOK TO THE DEAN.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
ASK HIM TO RETURN IT
WHEN HE'S FINISHED READING IT?
BECAUSE YOU SEE IT'S ALL
ABOUT THIS PREHISTORIC PETE
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND,
STONE AGE SARAH.
WHAT A DISH.
[WHISTLES]
- IF YOU PLEASE, THIS IS,
DESPITE APPEARANCES,
STILL A CLASS.
SO MAY WE RETURN TO OUR
STUDY OF THE STONE AGE?
WE MAY, OR YOU SHALL ALL
RECEIVE BRIGHT, SHINY Fs
ON YOUR REPORT CARD.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
MR. GILLIS, TELL US WHAT YOU
KNOW ABOUT THE STONE AGE.
- ME, DR. BURKHART?
- YOU, MR. GILLIS.
HAVE YOU READ
TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT?
AND OH, WHAT A FOOLISH QUESTION.
- TRUE.
- MR. GILLIS, I KNOW WHY
MR. KREBS, FOR BETTER OR WORSE,
IS TAKING THIS CLASS,
BUT WHY ARE YOU ENROLLED HERE,
AND OH, WHAT ANOTHER
FOOLISH QUESTION
AND GOOD MORNING, MISS OVERHOLT.
- GOOD MORNING, DR. BURKHART.
I KNOW OODLES
ABOUT THE STONE AGE.
JUST ASK ME.
- WELL, THAT'S A
REFRESHING NOVELTY.
TELL US WHAT YOU
KNOW, MISS OVERHOLT.
- THE STONE AGE IS THAT AGE
IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND
THAT WAS MARKED BY THE
FIRST USE OF STONE IMPLEMENTS.
IT IS GENERALLY
CONSIDERED TO HAVE BEGUN
APPROXIMATELY 20,000 YEARS AGO.
THE STONE AGE PRECEDED
THE BRONZE AND IRON AGES.
- WELL, THAT'S AN EXCELLENT
RECITATION, MISS OVERHOLT.
FROM WHAT ENCYCLOPEDIA DID
YOU GET THIS VALUABLE INFORMATION?
- WHAT ENCYCLOPEDIA?
FROM MAYNARD'S COPY
OF "PREHISTORIC PETE."
- VERY FUNNY, MISS OVERHOLT.
CLASS, WE SHALL SEE WHO HAS
THE LAST LAUGH COME GRADING TIME.
- OH!
- NOW, STUDENTS, TO
OUR NEXT PROJECT.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT
IN THIS VERY CLASSROOM,
WE'RE ONLY A FEW MILES FROM
THE HOME OF A RACE OF CRUDE,
PRIMITIVE SAVAGES?
- WHAT FEW MILES?
MY FAMILY ONLY LIVES
TWO BLOCKS AWAY.
- NO, MR. KREBS.
I'M REFERRING TO
THE WASATCH HILLS
ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN.
OUT THERE, A FEW
THOUSAND YEARS AGO,
LIVED A TRIBE OF CAVE-DWELLING
INDIANS WHO LOOKED LIKE THIS.
STONE AGE INDIANS
HUNTING WILD BEASTS BY
DAY WITH PRIMITIVE WEAPONS,
HUDDLING AT NIGHT IN
DARK, CHEERLESS CAVES,
AND STUDENTS, WE
ARE GOING TO SEE THEM.
- THE INDIANS?
- THE CAVES.
THE TRIBE ITSELF HAS
LONG SINCE VANISHED
INTO THE DARKNESS OF TIME,
BUT THE CAVES STILL REMAIN,
AND STUDENTS, WE ARE
GOING TO EXPLORE THEM.
AND PERHAPS, IF WE'RE
LUCKY, WE'LL FIND AN ARTIFACT.
- LIKE, ARTIFACT?
- LIKE, ARTIFACT.
A REMNANT OF A
KNIFE, COOKING BOWL,
PERHAPS AN ARROWHEAD.
SOMETHING THAT
WILL AID THE CLASS
IN ITS STUDY OF THE STONE AGE.
NOW, WE HAVE BUS TRANSPORTATION
TO THE WASATCH HILLS
FOR ONLY HALF THE
CLASS AT ONE TIME,
SO WE SHALL DIVIDE
INTO TWO GROUPS.
- DR. BURKHART, YOU MEAN
WE'LL BE UP THERE IN THE HILLS
WHERE IT'S QUIET AND PEACEFUL
WITH LOTS OF LONELY, ISOLATED,
ROMANTIC TRAILS AND LIKE THAT?
- PRECISELY, MR. GILLIS.
AND THAT'S PRECISELY WHY I'VE
ASSIGNED YOU AND MISS OVERHOLT
TO SEPARATE GROUPS.
- NOW, JUST A
MINUTE, DR. BURKHART.
- CHIN UP, MR. GILLIS,
YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL.
- NO, BUT YOU CAN
SURE LOSE THEM ALL.
I KNOW.
- OH, THERE THEY ARE,
THE STONE AGE CAVES.
NOW, THE ENTRANCE IS
JUST PAST THAT RIDGE.
FOLLOW ME.
- HEY, GIRL, AIN'T YOU
FORGOT SOMETHING?
- WHAT?
- THE REST OF YOUR OUTFIT.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS ALL OF
IT. IT'S THE LATEST STYLE.
- MAN, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE
IN, JUST LIKE STONE AGE SARAH.
- HURRY UP, MAYNARD, THE
CLASS IS GETTING WAY AHEAD.
- I CAN'T GO NO FARTHER.
MY FEET ARE ACHING
FROM HEAD TO TOE.
- WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU WEAR HEAVY SHOES
LIKE DR. BURKHART SUGGESTED?
- BECAUSE I AIN'T
GOT NO HEAVY SHOES,
SO I WORE TWO PAIR OF SNEAKERS.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE THE
STRANGEST FELLOW I EVER MET.
- WELL, WE ALL GOT TO
BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.
- I BETTER GO CATCH UP
WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS.
I'LL ASK THEM TO SLOW
DOWN AND WAIT FOR YOU.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, GIRL.
OOH, MAN. I'M ALL FOOT.
WHOA!
OH, MAN, IT'S DARK IN HERE,
AND SPOOKY, AND DAMP
AND DANK, AND SPONGY.
JUST LIKE MY ROOM AT HOME.
HEY, I WONDER WHERE THOSE LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN OF THE STONE AGE
PUT A LIGHT SWITCH.
MAN, THAT'S SERVICE.
LIKE, THANKS.
THANKS? LIKE, THANKS WHO?
OH, LIKE, HI.
EXCUSE ME FOR BARGING IN
LIKE THIS, YOUR INDIANSHIP,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW
NOBODY WAS HOME.
MY NAME IS KREBS, MAYNARD G.
- UGH.
- THAT'S YOUR NAME,
UGH? UGH WHO?
- UGH.
- OH, I DIG. UGH-UG, HUH?
I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE WALLA WALLA,
OR SIMONE SIMONE OR HILDEGARD.
- UGH.
- KREBS.
OH, MAN.
HEY... HEY, DID YOU PAINT THIS?
- GAGUN.
- OH, IT'S, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL.
OOH.
HEY, DID YOU PAINT THAT TOO?
- HIGA.
- THAT'S, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL TOO.
AND MAN, THAT'S GOOD WORK.
I MEAN, YOU'RE ANOTHER
FUZZY MIKE ANGELO.
HEY, DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN?
- YE.
- YEAH.
MY TEACHER, DR. BURKHART,
BRUNG US OUT HERE
TO GO EXPLORING THESE CAVES
ON ACCOUNT OF THEY'RE
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
- AHGAGOO.
- WHAT'S SO SPECIAL?
MY GOOD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT
ONCE UPON A TIME,
YEARS AND YEARS AGO,
THESE CAVES WERE INHIBITED
BY STONE AGE INDIANS?
- AHGONAH.
- PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT.
LET ME SEE. WHERE WAS I?
OH, ONCE UPON A TIME AGO,
THESE CAVES WERE LOADED
WITH PREHISTORIC CHARACTERS
WHO HAD LONG STRINGY HAIR
AND BEAUTIFUL COATS OF FUR
AND CLOTHES MADE
OUT OF SKINS OF ANIMALS
AND SHOES, LIKE,
TIED ON THEIR FEET.
- HIGOO.
- YEAH, LIKE THAT.
ANYHOW, DR. BURKHART BRUNG
US UP HERE TO LOOK FOR ARTIFACTS.
- AGAGO.
- ARTIFACTS.
THAT'S THE STUFF
THAT WAS LEFT BEHIND
WHEN THEY, LIKE,
VARNISHED INTO THIN AIR,
YOU KNOW, LIKE KNIFES AND AXESES
AND ARROWS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
YEAH. YOU GOT THE IDEA.
- AGOGO.
- OH, GEE, LIKE, THANKS.
I MEAN, YOU'RE LIKE
A REAL HUMAN BEING,
MORE OR LESS.
HEY, I WANT TO GIVE A
PRESENT TO YOU TOO.
HERE, YOU CAN READ THIS
IN CASE YOUR TELEVISION
GOES ON THE BLINK, YOU SEE?
THAT'S PREHISTORIC PETE,
AND HE LIVED IN A CAVE TOO.
HEY, MAYBE YOU HAVE
THE SAME LANDLORDS, HUH?
WELL, I GOT TO BE GOING NOW,
BECAUSE WHEN DR. B.
FINDS ME MISSING,
SHE'S GOING TO START WORRYING.
THAT IS, AFTER SHE
STOPS APPLAUDING.
OH, THIS? IT'S A CAMERA.
LIKE, WATCH. SEE?
DON'T BE SCARED.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST
A CAMERA, RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT. NOW READY?
SAY CHEESE.
IT'S LIKE MAGIC.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE ABBA ABBA...
- ABRACADABRA.
- YEAH. THAT'S IT.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
- AH, OOHNAGA.
- SURE, YOU CAN HAVE IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
COURTESY OF THE HOUSE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT THEY ALWAYS SAY
THAT IN THE MOVIES.
HEY, HOW DO I, LIKE, GET
OUT OF HERE, ANYWAY?
OH, GEE, LIKE, THANK
YOU FOR YOUR COURTESY,
AND YOU'RE A TRUE BLUE HOST.
- AHGOGO.
- WE'LL HAVE LUNCH
SOMETIME. YOU BRING THE EATS.
- AMAZING.
- INCREDIBLE.
- UNBELIEVABLE.
- THAT'S WHAT MY
FATHER KEPT SAYING,
BUT AFTER A WHILE
HE GOT USED TO ME.
- NO. NOT YOU, MAYNARD,
THE STONE AXE YOU
BROUGHT BACK WITH YOU.
- DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS IS?
- SURE. AN AXE.
- RIGHT.
- MADE OF STONE.
- RIGHT.
- FROM THE STONE AGE.
- RIGHT.
NOW DO YOU SEE WHAT
YOU'VE BROUGHT BACK?
- YEAH. AN AXE MADE OF
STONE FROM THE STONE AGE.
- EXACTLY.
AND MAYNARD, YOU
STILL DON'T GET IT.
- THIS THING IS
THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD.
- IT'S GENUINE.
IT MATCHES THIS PICTURE IN MY
ARCHEOLOGY BOOK PERFECTLY.
- YEAH. WHERE'D YOU
FIND IT, MAYNARD?
- A MAN GAVE IT TO ME.
- A MAN? WHO? WHAT'S HIS NAME?
- UGH.
- HUH?
- NOT HUH, UGH. AS A
MATTER OF FACT, UGH-UG.
- WHERE'D YOU MEET
THIS MR. UGH-UG?
- IN A CAVE. THAT'S
WHERE HE LIVES.
- MM-HM.
HIS NAME IS UGH-UG, AND
HE LIVES IN A CAVE, HUH?
- YOU'RE A LITTLE SLOW,
MR. G., BUT YOU'RE CATCHING ON.
- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME.
TOMORROW YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE THIS AXE TO DR. BURKHART,
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- AND SHE'S GONNA BE
VERY PROUD OF YOU,
BECAUSE THIS IS A HISTORIC
RELIC, A TRULY REMARKABLE FIND,
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- AND ON ACCOUNT OF THIS
REMARKABLE DISCOVERY,
SHE'S GOING TO GIVE YOU A
GOOD GRADE IN ARCHEOLOGY,
TRUE?
- TRUE.
- SO WHEN YOU GIVE HER THE AXE,
KINDLY KEEP YOUR
RIDICULOUS, IDIOTIC,
SCREWY STORY TO
YOURSELF, NO OFFENSE,
AND JUST TELL HER YOU
FOUND THE AXE IN A CAVE
AND LEAVE IT AT THAT.
- BUT, DOBE, THAT'S A FIB.
- MAYNARD, IT'S
JUST A LITTLE FIB,
AND A LITTLE FIB IS OKAY
AS LONG AS IT'S TOLD TO PROTECT
SOMEBODY FROM SOMETHING.
- PROTECT WHO FROM WHAT?
- YOU, FROM GETTING DRAGGED
OFF TO THE BOOBY BARN.
- OKAY. I'LL DO IT, DOBE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
IT, BUT I'LL DO IT.
- BELIEVE ME, MAYNARD,
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
- OKAY. I'LL JUST
TELL DR. BURKHART
I WANDERED INTO THIS
CAVE AND FOUND THIS AXE
THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD.
BUT I NEVER TOLD A LIE BEFORE.
- MAYNARD, YOU NEVER PASSED
A COURSE BEFORE, EITHER.
- MEET MAYNARD G.
KREBS, BOY FIBBER.
- LOOK AT THESE.
NEWSPAPER STORIES
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD
ABOUT MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
A STONE AGE AXE
FROM A HILLSIDE CAVE
LIFTED HIM FROM THE LOWEST
DEPTHS TO THE HIGHEST HEIGHTS.
YES, MAYNARD WAS THE
HERO OF THE CAMPUS.
THE MEMBERS OF THE FACULTY
PRAISED MAYNARD TO THE SKIES.
HE'D BROUGHT GREAT FAME TO
S. PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.
MAYNARD LOVED THE ATTENTION.
IN FACT, HE ATE IT UP.
AND FINALLY THE GRAND CLIMAX.
MAYNARD WAS GIVEN THE AWARD
AS ARCHEOLOGY'S MAN OF THE YEAR.
YES, THOSE WERE GOOD DAYS
IN THE LIFE OF MAYNARD G. KREBS.
HE WAS A HERO, A SCHOLAR,
A GIANT AMONG MEN.
- A BUM!
- YOU SHOULDN'T CALL
MR. KREBS NAMES LIKE THAT.
- NO?
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU CALL HIM?
- WELL, A BUM.
- MR. KREBS, THAT STONE
AGE AXE IS A PHONY.
- IT'S AN IMITATION.
I TESTED IT MYSELF FOR
RADIO CARBON CONTENT.
THAT'S AN ABSOLUTELY
FOOLPROOF WAY OF DETERMINING
HOW OLD A RELIC IS.
- MY UNCLE MARGARET CAN
TELL HOW OLD A HORSE WAS.
WHAT THEY DO IS OPEN UP THE
HORSE'S MOUTH AND LOOK IN,
AND IF THEY WERE NO
TEETH, HE'S AN OLD HORSE.
- THIS AXE ISN'T
20,000 YEARS OLD.
WHY, IT ISN'T 20 YEARS OLD.
IN FACT, ACCORDING TO
THE RADIO CARBON TEST,
IT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN
MADE A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO
WHICH HAPPENS TO BE EXACTLY
THE DAY YOU VISITED THE CAVE,
MR. KREBS.
- LIKE, FANCY THAT.
- THAT AXE IS AN
INGENIOUS FORGERY.
- MR. KREBS, I TRUSTED YOU.
I BELIEVED YOU, AND
YOU DECEIVE ME LIKE THIS.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO
BE SO TRICKY, SO DECEITFUL,
SO EVIL?
- WATCHING GANGSTER PICTURES
ON THE LATE MOVIE ON TV.
- KREBS, TELL US THE
TRUTH ABOUT THIS AXE.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, YOUR DEANSHIP.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE FIBBED
AND SAID I FOUND IT.
- AAH, THAT'S BETTER.
ALL RIGHT. WHERE
DID IT COME FROM?
- FROM UGH.
- UGH? WHO?
- UGH-UG.
- KREBS, THE TRUTH.
- YOU REALLY WANT ME TO
TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED?
- SO MAYNARD TOLD THEM THE
STORY ABOUT HIS INDIAN FRIEND.
HE TOLD IT SO SIMPLY, SO
HONESTLY, SO DIRECTLY,
THAT WHEN HE WAS FINISHED,
THERE WAS ONLY ONE
THING THEY COULD SAY.
- KREBS, YOU'RE LYING.
- MR. KREBS, DO YOU EXPECT
US TO BELIEVE THAT STORY?
- NO.
- DR. BURKHART, DO YOU THINK
THAT BOY HAS FLIPPED HIS WIG
ENTIRELY?
- I DO.
- DEAN MAGRUDER, BEFORE
YOU DO ANYTHING DRASTIC,
I SUGGEST THAT WE
DRIVE OUT TO THE CAVES.
- THE CAVES?
- TO GIVE MR. KREBS A CHANCE
TO PRODUCE HIS FRIEND UGH.
- DR. BURKHART, YOU'RE
NOT SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING
THAT THERE REALLY IS A
STONE AGE INDIAN OUT THERE,
ARE YOU?
- SURE SHE IS.
WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?
HOW'D YOU EVER GET TO BE DEAN?
- NO, DEAN MAGRUDER.
I CERTAINLY DON'T THINK THAT
THERE'S A STONE AGE INDIAN
OUT THERE, BUT THERE
MIGHT BE SOMEBODY,
PERHAPS AN ECCENTRIC
HERMIT WITH THE DELUSION
THAT HE'S LIVING IN
PREHISTORIC TIMES.
SUCH A PERSON MIGHT
WELL HAVE FOOLED MR. KREBS.
- YEAH. IT'S A CINCH TO PULL
THE WOOD OVER MY EYES.
I'M GULLIVER.
- MR. KREBS, THAT'S
WOOL, GULLIBLE,
AND THE WHOLE
IDEA IS RIDICULOUS.
- IS IT?
AFTER ALL, SOMEBODY
MADE THIS AXE.
- DON'T LOOK AT ME,
YOUR PROFESSORSHIP.
IN KINDERGARTEN I
FLUNKED SAND PILE.
- REMEMBER, WE
CAME THROUGH HERE.
- YES. YES.
AND THEN WE WENT AROUND HERE...
AND THROUGH THERE.
- AND WHEN I LEFT, MAYNARD
WAS STANDING RIGHT THERE.
- UGH, GOOD BUDDY, IT'S
ME, MAYNARD G. KREBS,
WITH THE CAMERA AND COMIC
BOOK. DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
HEY, OPEN UP, UGH.
UGH!
MAYBE HE WENT OUT SHOPPING.
- YES.
TO THE SUPERMARKET FOR A
DOZEN FRESH DINOSAUR EGGS.
COME, DR. BURKHART,
MISS OVERHOLT, WE'VE
WASTED ENOUGH TIME.
- MAYNARD, YOU'D BETTER
DRIVE BACK WITH US.
- NO. I THINK I'LL STICK
AROUND AND WAIT FOR UGH.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD
THINKING, KREBS.
HE'S PROBABLY NEXT DOOR VISITING
HIS FRIENDS THE FLINTSTONES.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- GOOD LUCK, MAYNARD.
- OH, YES, KREBS,
COME TO ATTENTION.
KREBS, DISMISSED.
- MAN, IT'S, LIKE, DRAFTY.
EXPELLED, DISGRACED, BOOTED,
AND THEY TOOK AWAY
ALL MY SHINY NEW MEDALS.
I'M, LIKE, DOOMED,
DOOMED, DOOMED.
AND ALL BECAUSE UGH
WOULDN'T OPEN HIS DOOR.
OH, THERE YOU ARE,
MR. UGH. WHERE WERE YOU
WHEN I NEEDED YOU?
- AGABOO.
- OH, ENOUGH WITH THE EXCUSES,
WE'VE GOT TO TALK BUSINESS.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
GO BACK TO THE SCHOOL
SO I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO
THE DEAN AND DR. BURKHART?
THEY'RE NICE
PEOPLE, BOTH OF THEM.
WELL, EXCEPT FOR
THE DEAN, AND DR. B.
AIN'T EXACTLY THE
GREATEST NEITHER.
- AGABOO.
- YOU WON'T?
- OBIDO.
- YOU LIKE PRIVACY?
- AGURA.
- AND THAT'S WHY
YOU LIVE IN A CAVE.
- BUDADON.
- AND YOU WANT PEACE AND QUIET
AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE
BUGGING YOU ALL THE TIME.
- GIGUN.
- EXCEPT FOR ME,
'CAUSE I AIN'T LIKE PEOPLE.
LIKE, THANK YOU.
WELL, I GUESS NOBODY'S
EVER GONNA BELIEVE
YOU'RE FOR REAL. I GUESS
IT'S LIKE FLUNKSVILLE
FOR MAYNARD G. KREBS.
DOOM. DOOM. DOOM.
- GIGUNBILL.
- YOU GOT, LIKE, AN IDEA?
- GAGAGEE.
- OH, I DIG.
I TAKE THIS PICTURE
BACK TO SCHOOL,
AND I SHOW IT TO THE
DEAN AND DR. BURKHART,
THEN THEY KNOW YOU'RE FOR REAL
AND NOT JUST A PIGMENT
OF MY IMAGINATION.
- AHGOOBA.
- OH, YEAH. FIGMENT.
THANKS A LOT, MR. UGH.
YOU'RE LIKE A REAL HUMAN
BEING, A HECK OF A GOOD SPORT,
AND A GREAT AMERICAN.
- AHGOOBA.
GAGEENGILL BOOBAH.
- OH, YEAH. I'M SORRY.
TO YOU ALL AMERICANS
IS IMMIGRANTS, HUH? YEAH.
OH, MAN, WAIT TILL THE DEAN AND
DR. BURKHART SEE THIS PICTURE.
THEY GOT TO KNOW
YOU'RE FOR REAL.
- AMAZING.
- INCREDIBLE.
- UNBELIEVABLE.
- THAT'S WHAT MY
FATHER KEPT SAYING,
BUT AFTER A WHILE
HE GOT USED TO ME.
- MAYNARD, YOU ALREADY DID THAT.
- MR. KREBS, YOU HAVE DISCOVERED
A MEMBER OF A VESTIGIAL
STONE AGE COMMUNITY
THAT HAS MIRACULOUSLY CONTINUED
TO EXIST AFTER 20,000 YEARS.
- YOU MEAN MR. UGH
IS 20,000 YEARS OLD?
MAN, HE SURE IS WELL-PRESERVED.
HE DIDN'T LOOK A
DAY OVER 10,000.
- NO, MAYNARD.
IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT YOUR
FRIEND IS THE LAST SURVIVING MEMBER
OF A TRIBE THAT HASN'T ALTERED
ITS CUSTOMS OR WAY OF LIFE
SINCE THE STONE AGE.
- IMAGINE, HIDDEN
AWAY IN THOSE CAVES.
THEIR FIRST CONTACT
WITH MODERN CIVILIZATION
WAS WHEN THIS FELLOW UGH
RAN INTO MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- DEAN MAGRUDER,
DON'T FORGET THIS TREMENDOUS
SCIENTIFIC ACCOMPLISHMENT
WAS ACHIEVED BY MAYNARD
AND MAYNARD ALONE.
- OH... OH, YES, OF COURSE.
KREBS, MY BOY,
ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE JOINED
THE IMMORTALS OF SCIENCE.
- HEY, HOW ABOUT THAT,
AND I FLUNKED LONG DIVISION.
- OH, ONCE THIS HITS
THE NEWSPAPERS,
EVERY SCIENTIST IN AMERICA
WILL COME HERE TO MEET UGH.
- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
- YES, AND HE'LL PROBABLY
BE INVITED TO WASHINGTON.
NEW YORK WILL GIVE HIM
A TICKER TAPE PARADE.
- THE FIRST THING WE HAVE TO
DO IS TO MAKE HIM PRESENTABLE.
- PRESENTABLE?
YOU MEAN LIKE A SHAVE, A HAIRCUT
AND CLOTHES AND HARD SHOES?
- YES.
- I DON'T KNOW.
MR. UGH AIN'T BUILT
FOR THAT KIND OF LIFE.
- WE'LL MOVE HIM
OUT OF THAT CAVE
AND RIGHT INTO OUR MUSEUM.
- BUT HE'S AN
INDEPENDENT SPIRIT.
HE DON'T LIKE TO BE LOCKED UP.
- HE HAS NO CHOICE.
HE HAS TO. SCIENCE DEMANDS IT.
- POOR, MR. UGH. I'M
GETTING ALL MISTY.
- SO WE ALL DROVE OUT
TO THE CAVES AGAIN,
AND YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW WE FELT,
LIKE PIONEERS IN AN
UNDISCOVERED WORLD,
LIKE COLUMBUS OR
MAGELLAN OR ROD SERLING.
WE DECIDED THAT MAYNARD
SHOULD GO INTO THE CAVE
BY HIMSELF FIRST,
TO MAKE SURE HIS FRIEND UGH
WOULDN'T GET
SCARED AND HIDE AWAY.
- THEY'RE OUTSIDE WAITING.
THEY SENT ME IN FIRST TO
SEE IF YOU WANT TO SEE THEM.
- AGOOBA?
- NO. JUST THE DEAN, MY TEACHER,
AND MY GOOD BUDDY, DOBE.
- AGOO.
- I GOT TO WARN YOU,
MR. UGH, YOU'RE, LIKE, FAMOUS,
AND PEOPLE WANT
TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE
AND STUDY YOU AND ALL LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE FACE TO FACE
WITH CIVILIZATION.
- IGABOO.
- YOU'LL HAVE TO
WEAR A COAT AND A TIE.
- AGIBA.
- AND REAL HARD SHOES.
- AGOOBA.
- YEAH. I KNOW HOW
YOU FEEL, MR. UGH.
CIVILIZATION IS ROUGH.
I MEAN, ALL THEM HOUSES AND
STORES AND ELECTRIC LIGHTS
AND THEM BIG WIDE ROADS
SO FOLKS CAN CRAWL
BUMPER TO BUMPER AND SMOG,
AND WONDER DRUGS
THAT CURE DISEASES
BEFORE THEY'RE EVEN INVENTED.
BUT THERE'S MOVIES ABOUT THE
MONSTER WHO DEVOURED CLEVELAND,
AND INDIANS AND COWBOYS
FIGHTING ON TV AND...
- BOBO?
- NO. THE INDIANS ALWAYS LOSE.
AND TANKS AND GUNS AND ROCKETS
AND MISSILES AND ANTI-MISSILES
AND ANTI-MISSILE MISSILES,
AND ANTI-MISSILE MISSILE
MISSILES, AND BOMBS
AND FALLOUT SHELTERS, AND...
- IMBABA?
- I SCARED MYSELF.
IF THERE'S A BACK
DOOR TO THIS CAVE,
YOU BETTER ZOOM OUT
AND FORGET YOU EVER
HEARD ABOUT CIVILIZATION.
- OOMBABA.
- NO. I MEAN IT, MR. UGH.
I MEAN, TAKE YOUR STONE AXES
AND YOUR KNIFE AND YOUR PICTURES
AND HEAD FOR THE
DEEP, DEEP HILLS,
AND LEAVE CIVILIZATION
TO US. WE'RE STUCK WITH IT.
- OH!
ATABOOGA.
- ATABOOGA TO YOU
TOO, SIR. IT'S BEEN A GAS.
- OPEN UP, MAYNARD. OPEN UP.
- COMING.
AND SO IS TROUBLE.
- WELL, WHERE IS HE?
WHERE'S YOUR FRIEND, UGH?
- DEAN? THERE AIN'T
NO PERSON NAMED UGH.
- MAYNARD!
- IT'S TRUE, DOBE.
I MADE HIM OUT UP OUT MY HEAD.
- MR. KREBS, YOU DIDN'T.
- DR. B., I DID.
- KREBS, THIS IS THE LAST STRAW.
YOU'LL PAY FOR
THIS, I PROMISE YOU.
- PLEASE, DEAN MAGRUDER,
TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
MAYNARD'S ALWAYS
BEEN A LITTLE OFFBEAT.
- I'LL OFFBEAT HIM.
DRAGGING US HERE TWICE TO MEET
SOME PREPOSTEROUS CREATURE
WHO ONLY EXISTS IN
HIS TWISTED IMAGINATION.
- WELL, I'M STILL NOT
CONVINCED OF THAT, SIR.
LOOK. SEE?
FRESH PAINT, AND IT
STILL ISN'T FINISHED.
I'VE STUDIED PAINTINGS OF
THE STONE AGE ERA FOR YEARS,
AND THIS IS PERFECT.
THE STYLE, DESIGN,
COLOR, EVERYTHING.
- MAYNARD, THERE IS
AN INDIAN, ISN'T THERE?
- OF COURSE THERE IS.
MAYNARD WOULDN'T LIE.
MAYNARD, TELL US WHERE HE IS.
- THERE AIN'T NO INDIAN,
AND I AIN'T GONNA
TELL YOU WHERE HE IS,
'CAUSE IF I DO,
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM WEAR
HARD SHOES, A COAT AND A TIE,
AND YOU'LL DRAG HIM OUT LIKE
HE WAS SOME KIND OF FREAK,
AND EVERYBODY WILL PUSH
HIM AND SHOVE HIM AND POKE HIM.
- YOU MIGHT AS
WELL GIVE UP, SIR,
MAYNARD'S NOT GONNA
HELP YOU. ARE YOU, MAYNARD?
- I MADE UP MY HEAD.
- WE COULD HIRE
BULLDOZERS AND TRACTORS
TO TEAR UP THIS ENTIRE
MOUNTAIN UNTIL WE FIND HIM.
- TRUE.
AND WHAT IF WE DON'T FIND HIM?
WHAT IF WE SPEND TWO OR
$300,000 DIGGING UP THIS MOUNTAIN
AND FIND NO INDIAN?
AND THEN THE STATE
LEGISLATURE CALLS US
AND ASKS US WHY DID YOU
SPEND ALL THAT MONEY?
AND WE SAY, A FELLOW TOLD US
THERE WAS AN INDIAN AROUND HERE.
AND THEY SAY WHAT FELLOW,
AND WE INTRODUCE OUR STAR
WITNESS, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- I SEE YOUR POINT.
WELL, YOU GOT ANOTHER IDEA?
- YOU BET I DO.
IT'S AN IDEA I'VE USED WITH
GREAT SUCCESS IN THE PAST.
EVERY TIME I'M IN A SITUATION
THAT'S UTTERLY
IMPOSSIBLE LIKE THIS,
I SLOWLY REPEAT,
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
- Both: THE WHOLE
THING NEVER HAPPENED.
- THE WHOLE THING
NEVER HAPPENED.
- THE WHOLE THING
NEVER HAPPENED.
THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
- GOOD NIGHT, MR. UGH.
- AGOOGA, MAYNARD G. KREBS.