The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 32 - Back to Nature Boy - full transcript

- PLEASE, EDWINA, MY TIGER,

ACCEPT THESE HUMBLE BLOSSOMS
AS A TOKEN OF MY ADMIRATION.

EARNING THE MONEY TO BUY THEM

TOOK HOURS OF HARD,
GRUELING, BACKBREAKING LABOR.

- THAT'S VERY
FLATTERING, DOBIE, BUT...

- MY FATHER'S GETTING PRETTY
OLD TO PUT IN ALL THAT WORK.

- DOBIE, PAY ATTENTION.

YOU KNOW I THINK
YOU'RE A VERY NICE BOY...

- UH-OH.

- WITH LOADS OF CHARACTER...
- SURE.

- AND A CUTE PERSONALITY.
- YOU BET.



- AND HONESTY AND INTEGRITY.

- AND BYE-BYE, DOBIE?

- AND BYE-BYE, DOBIE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW
WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY?

- WITH ME, ANY
CONVERSATION WITH A GIRL

THAT STARTS OFF WITH,
"YOU'RE A NICE BOY, DOBIE,"

ENDS UP WITH "BYE-BYE, DOBIE."

- I'M SORRY, DOBIE,

BUT HONESTLY, IT'S
NOT YOUR FAULT. IT'S ME.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN IN THE ODDEST
MOOD THESE PAST FEW DAYS,

MISERABLE AND
PECULIAR AND IMPOSSIBLE.

- MY PARTY'S A SMASHING SUCCESS.

THREE PRINCETON BOYS
JUST FELL IN THE PUNCH BOWL.

- HELLO, COUSIN CHATSWORTH.



- COUSIN CHATSWORTH?
- OF COURSE.

COUSIN EDWINA HAS JUST
ARRIVED FROM OUR COUNTRY ESTATE

IN THE EAST.

IT'S CALLED CONNECTICUT.

SHE'S MY THIRD COUSIN
THRICE REMOVED.

SEE HOW CLOSELY
SHE RESEMBLES ME?

- CHATSWORTH,

ANYONE WHO WOULD SAY SUCH
A TERRIBLE THING ABOUT A GIRL

IS NO GENTLEMAN.

- OH, HUSH UP, YOU
LOWBORN PERSON.

ALL WE MEMBERS OF
THE OSBORNE DYNASTY

ARE DEVASTATINGLY ATTRACTIVE.

- COUSIN CHATSWORTH, I AM FED
UP WITH THE OSBORNE DYNASTY.

- BITE YOUR TONGUE, EDWINA.

GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER
FISCAL J. OSBORNE MIGHT HEAR YOU

FROM THAT BIG BOARD OF
DIRECTORS MEETING IN THE SKY.

- I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANOTHER
YACHT OR LIMOUSINE OR BUTLER

AS LONG AS I LIVE.

OUR IDLE KIND OF LIFE HAS
NO MEANING, NO SUBSTANCE.

- NO SUBSTANCE?

GIRL, HAVE YOU SEEN
MY BANKBOOK LATELY?

- OH, WHO CARES ABOUT MONEY?

WHAT I'M SEARCHING FOR
IS A LIFE WITH MEANING,

PLAIN AND UNCOMPLICATED
AND TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY SIMPLE.

- YOU RANG?

- THIS IS IT.

THIS IS WHAT I'VE
BEEN SEARCHING FOR.

COULD ANYTHING BE
MORE SIMPLE OR EARTHY?

[JAZZ THEME]

- MY FRIEND MAYNARD G.
KREBS HAS A PERSONALITY,

IF THAT'S THE WORD FOR IT,

THAT ATTRACTS MANY
STRANGE AND VARIED OBJECTS.

BUT A RICH, WEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL
SOCIETY GIRL WITH MONEY

LIKE CHATSWORTH'S
COUSIN, EDWINA?

THAT I CAN'T FIGURE.

IT'S BEWILDERING, IT'S
MYSTIFYING, IT'S SCREWY.

IT'S...
- BLACK MAGIC IS WHAT IT IS.

COUSIN EDWINA HAS BEEN PUT
UNDER AN EVIL SPELL BY A SPOOK.

- OH, GO SOAK YOUR
HEAD, CHATSWORTH.

MAYNARD AND I ARE OLD FRIENDS.

HOW YOU BEEN, MAYNARD?

- THE FACE AIN'T FAMILIAR, AND
NEITHER IS THE REST OF YOU.

- I'M EDWINA CAGLE.

- THERE AIN'T NO
BELL IN MY HEAD.

- WE USED TO GO TO
SCHOOL TOGETHER.

- NOTHING SPARKS IN MY SKULL.

- WE USED TO PICK UP TINFOIL

AND WATCH THEM KNOCK
DOWN OLD BUILDINGS TOGETHER.

- EDDIE THE TOAD!

- MAYNARD THE CREEP!

- GLORIOSKI, IT'S YOU!

- GLORIOSKI, IT SURE IS.

- GLORIOSKI, I MAY BE ILL.

- HOW ABOUT THIS
BALL OF TINFOIL?

I BET YOU I GOT THE BIGGEST
BLOB IN THE WHOLE WORLD

FOR A BOY MY HEIGHT AND WIDTH.

- BEAUTIFUL.
- WELL, IT'S NOT BEAUTIFUL.

HANDSOME MAYBE,
BUT NOT BEAUTIFUL.

- IT'S A GAS!

- HEY, EDDIE, THERE'S
SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU CHANGED.

OH, I GOT IT.
- WHAT?

- YOU'RE A GIRL.

- MAYNARD, I WAS ALWAYS A GIRL.
- YEAH.

BUT THE WAY YOU USED TO
LOOK, I MEAN, WHO'D NOTICE?

- MAN, THOSE WERE THE DAYS, HUH?

- YEAH. THEY WERE THE WILDEST.

- LIKE THE MOST.
- LIKE THE GASSIEST.

- DESIST. TERMINATE.

COUSIN EDWINA, YOU ARE THROWING
MUD ON THE FAIR NAME OF OSBORNE.

- OH, CHATSWORTH.

HEY, MAYNARD, REMEMBER HOW
WE USED TO WALK ALONG THE FENCES

DOWN BY OLD MRS.
CLOWER'S WOOD SHED?

- YEAH.
- STOP! I ORDER YOU TO STOP.

- AND YOU WALKED THEM
BETTER THAN ANYBODY.

- BUT YOU FELL OFF
BETTER THAN ANYBODY.

- STOP! STOP!
- HEY, LOOK, EDWINA.

I HAVEN'T EVEN
FALLEN OFF ONCE YET.

- YOU'RE A NATURAL
BORN ACROBAT, MAYNARD.

MAYNARD?

MAYNARD!

I HAVEN'T HAD SO
MUCH FUN IN YEARS.

- ME NEITHER, NOT IN MY
WHOLE LIFE OR EVEN LONGER!

- SHOO, SHOO, YOU
NOSEY BUSYBODIES.

DEPART. DEPART.

OH, THE DISGRACE OF
IT ALL. I'M OVERWHELMED.

- MAYNARD, WOULDN'T
IT BE WONDERFUL

IF WE COULD LIVE
THOSE DAYS OVER AGAIN

AND DO ALL THE
THINGS WE USED TO DO?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN USED
TO DO? I'M STILL DOING THEM.

- NO KIDDING?
- NO KIDDING.

- YOU MEAN, YOU STILL GO
FISHING DOWN AT THE RIVER

AND WATCH SEWER EXCAVATIONS
AND COAL CAR LOADINGS

AND FELLOWS FLIPPING FLAPJACKS
IN THE WINDOW DOWN AT THE DINER?

- SURE. DON'T EVERYBODY?

- NO, MAYNARD. DON'T
NOBODY EXCEPT YOU.

COUSIN EDWINA, AS THE TYRANT
APPARENT OF THE OSBORNE FAMILY,

I ORDER YOU TO UNHAND THAT OAF
AND RETURN WITH ME TO THE PARTY.

- OH, GO FLY A KITE,
COUSIN CHATSWORTH.

- GO FLY A KITE,
COUSIN CHATSWORTH.

- IF YOU REFUSE, I SHALL HOLD
MY BREATH UNTIL I TURN PURPLE.

- HE'S RIGHT, EDDIE. YOU
BETTER DO LIKE HE SAYS.

- YOU MEAN I OUGHT TO
GO BACK TO THE PARTY?

- NO. I MEAN WHEN HE HOLDS
HIS BREATH HE TURNS PURPLE.

WHAT A SIGHT TO
BEHOLD, IT'S SICKENING.

- OH, MICE AND RATS.

- HEY, MAYNARD, COME ON,

LET'S GO FISHING
DOWN AT THE RIVER.

- YEAH. SURE. JUST
LIKE IN THE OLDEN DAYS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO USE
FOR BAIT, PICKLES OR OLIVES?

- DO FISH GO FOR
THINGS LIKE THAT?

- WHO KNOWS? BUT I SURE DO.

- HE'S AMAZING.
- SHE'S BEWILDERING.

- HE'S INCREDIBLE.
- SHE'S OUT OF HER MIND.

THIS BLACK DAY SHALL
NOT GO UNAVENGED.

SO HELP ME, DUNN AND BRADSTREET.

MARK MY WORDS, GILLIS, BABY.

I SHALL BREAK UP
THIS GHASTLY LIAISON

IF I HAVE TO CALL
OUT THE MARINES.

- MARINES?

DON'T WASTE YOUR
TIME ON AMATEURS, BOY.

IF THERE'S ANY BODILY
DAMAGE TO BE DONE,

YOUR SWEET GENTLE
MUMSY WILL DO IT.

- MUMSY DEAR, PLEASE LISTEN.

THE OSBORNE DYNASTY STANDS
ON THE BRINK OF DISASTER.

- QUIET, ONE CRISIS AT
A TIME, YOU NASTY BOY.

TREMBLEY, DON'T
BE A COWARD, SHOOT.

- TWO BALL IN THE REAR POCKET
IF YOU DON'T MIND, MADAM.

- OH, PATHETIC.

TREMBLEY, YOU SHOOT
POOL LIKE AN OLD LADY.

COMBINATION FIVE
BALL IN THE SIDE POCKET

OFF THE TEN, BANK ONE.

BRING IT ON, YOU JACKIE GLEASON.

THE WAY I'M CREAMING YOU,

YOU'RE GOING TO
OWE ME YOUR SALARY

FOR THE NEXT EIGHT MONTHS.

- GAD, MADAM, I SHALL
NEVER GET OUT OF DEBT.

- THAT'S THE WAY IT'S
GOING TO BE, BUSTER.

FOUR BALL IN THE CORNER,

THREE CUSHION
CAROM OFF THE SEVEN.

- MUMSY, DON'T YOU REALIZE
THAT THAT UNCOUTH BUMPKIN KREBS

MIGHT BECOME A
MEMBER OF OUR FAMILY?

- WATCH YOUR
LANGUAGE, YOU NASTY BOY.

- OH, FORGIVE ME, MUMSY, I'M
BESIDE MYSELF WITH WORRY.

- CHATSWORTH, YOU SEE
WHAT DISASTER OCCURS

WHEN I LEAVE OSBORNE
MANOR FOR ONLY ONE EVENING?

I FEAR TO SAVE THIS
FAMILY FROM RUIN,

I SHALL HAVE TO BECOME IMMORTAL.

NOW FOR THE ENGLISH SIDE
SHOT OFF THE RAIL, THREE CUSHION,

THE EIGHT AND TEN
IN THE SIDE POCKETS,

THE HARD WAY.

- WOE IS ME, MADAM. WOE IS ME.

- I SHALL THINK UP A
WAY OUT OF THIS MYSELF.

SOMETHING REMARKABLY
CLEVER AND INGENIOUS.

- YOU, CHATSWORTH? OH, COME NOW.

I HAVE IT.

WE SHALL HAVE THE
SCOUNDREL DEPORTED.

- OH, MUMSY, WE CAN'T.

HE WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY.

- HOW UN-AMERICAN.

- EGAD, I SHALL NEVER AGAIN
BE ABLE TO HOLD MY HEAD UP

AT ANY SELF-RESPECTING
GROUSE SHOOT.

- OH, SIMMER DOWN.
SIMMER DOWN, CHATSWORTH.

I HAVE A SIMPLE
BUT BRILLIANT PLAN.

NOW HEAR THIS.

I SHALL ORDER THIS KREBS PERSON
TO REPORT TO ME IMMEDIATELY

AT OSBORNE MANOR.

THEN I SHALL HAVE A
FACE-TO-FACE TALK WITH HIM,

AND I JUST REMEMBERED
WHAT HIS FACE LOOKED LIKE,

AND I WITHDRAW THAT
SIMPLE BUT BRILLIANT PLAN.

- MUMSY, DON'T SURRENDER.

- SURRENDER, HUH? NO.

THIS MERELY MEANS I WILL HAVE
TO BRING IN THE HEAVY ARTILLERY.

- MUMSY, YOU MEAN?

- YOU BET YOUR BOOTS
I MEAN. I MEAN MONEY.

- OH, MUMSY, MONEY
CAN'T DO EVERYTHING.

- THERE YOU GO WITH THAT
FOUL LANGUAGE OF YOURS,

YOU NASTY BOY.

- HARK! I UNDERSTAND.

WE SHALL BRIBE MAYNARD G. KREBS
TO STAY AWAY FROM COUSIN EDWINA.

- RIGHT.

YOU SEE, THERE IS A SMATTERING
OF SOMETHING RATTLING AROUND

IN THAT EMPTY HEAD OF YOURS.

TWO OFF THE FOUR,
STRAIGHT AHEAD.

I NOW OWN YOUR HOUSE, YOUR
CAR, AND YOUR REFRIGERATOR.

SEE THAT YOU HAVE THEM HERE
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

I CANNOT STAND A WELCHER.

- YES, MASTER... OH, MADAM.

- COME, BOY. NO
FURTHER DILLYDALLYING.

WE WILL HAVE TO FIND
THIS KREBS CHARACTER.

EVERY CREATURE HAS HIS
PRICE, MAN, WOMAN, OR BEAST.

HE MUST HAVE HIS
PLACE THERE SOMEWHERE.

- THIS IS MRS.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.

THIS IS A SHERMAN TANK.

NOW, WHAT DO THEY
HAVE IN COMMON?

THAT'S A CINCH.

IF EITHER OF THEM
STARTS AFTER YOU, RUN.

AND IF IT'S MRS.
OSBORNE, RUN FAST.

POOR MAYNARD.

IF HE'D ONLY KNOWN WHAT
POWERFUL FORCES WERE PREPARING

TO BOOBY-TRAP HIM.

BUT ALL HE WANTED TO DO
WAS HACK AROUND WITH EDDIE

AND HAVE A LITTLE, PLAIN
EVERYDAY CONVERSATION.

- YOU REALLY SAW ALL THAT
DOWN AT THE STOCKYARDS, HUH?

- YOU BET.

I GET A SHEEP'S-EYE VIEW OF
EVERY SHEEP DIPPING IN TOWN.

- WOW.

SHEEP DIPPING,
SEWER EXCAVATIONS,

COAL CAR LOADIN'.

MAYNARD, YOU DON'T MISS
ANY OF THE BIG GOINGS-ON.

- I GET AROUND.
- LUCKY DOG.

HEY, WE OUGHT TO GET A
BITE PRETTY SOON, HUH?

- NO, WE OUGHTN'T,
BECAUSE NO FISH

NEVER COME TO THIS
PART OF THE RIVER.

- THEN HOW COME
WE'RE FISHING HERE?

- CAUSE I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR FISHING BUT NOT FOR FISH.

- GOOD THINKING.

MAYNARD, YOU ARE A MAN
WITH GREAT NATURAL WISDOM,

LIKE DR. SCHWEITZER,
OR PLATO, OR JACK PARR.

- HEY, DO YOU KNOW
OLD DOC SCHWEITZER?

HE'S A REAL NICE FELLA.

HE'S BEEN TAKING CARE
OF MY TEETH FOR YEARS.

- I'VE SURE MISSED ALL THIS.

THE DANCES AND THE PARTIES
AND THE BRIGHT LIGHTS,

THEY DON'T MEAN A THING
COMPARED TO THIS KIND OF LIFE.

THIS LIFE IS REAL.
- LIKE, RIGHT.

- THIS LIFE IS GENUINE.
- LIKE, RIGHT.

- THIS LIFE IS IT.

- IT IS?
- IT IS.

- WHAT IS IT?
- MAYNARD,

THIS IS THE WONDERFULLY
SIMPLE CAREFREE LIFE I LED

WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND INNOCENT.

LEAVING IT TO BECOME A
SOPHISTICATED WOMAN OF THE WORLD

WAS WACKY.
- I'LL BUY THAT.

- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I DID IT?
- NO.

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOU.

IT'S BECAUSE IT WAS
THE THING TO DO,

BECAUSE EVERYBODY WAS DOING IT,

AND I WANTED TO GO
ALONG WITH THE CROWD.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

- NO. HOW IS IT?

- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW.

YOU NEVER DID DO WHAT
EVERYBODY ELSE WAS DOING.

- LIKE, RIGHT.

WHEN I WAS AN ITTY-BITTY KID,
I FLUNKED FOLLOW THE LEADER.

- MAYNARD, YOU ARE
MAGNIFICENT. YOU'RE A FREE SOUL.

YOU'RE A HAPPY PERSON,

FREE AND FOOTLOOSE
AND UNCOMPLICATED.

NOTHING SCARES OR BOTHERS YOU.
- LIKE, RIGHT.

NOTHING IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD
WILL EVER SCARE OR BOTHER ME.

- THERE YOU ARE,
YOU NASTY CHILDREN.

- I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING
THAT SCARES AND BOTHERS ME.

- HELLO, AUNT CLARICE. YOU
REMEMBER MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- ONE COULD SCARCELY
FORGET HIM, COULD WE?

- ONE COULDN'T.

- BUT ONE WOULD DEARLY LIKE TO.

MY DEAR FELLOW, OR
WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE,

IT'S RATHER DIFFICULT TO DISCUSS
THINGS IN THESE SURROUNDINGS.

WE WOULD LIKE TO HAVE YOU
COME FOR BRUNCH TOMORROW

AT OSBORNE MANOR,

AND THERE, UNDER OUR
EXPERTLY PREPARED CUISINE,

I'M SURE WE COULD REACH
SOME AMICABLE AGREEMENT.

- OH, NO.

- ATTABOY, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, RIGHT. ATTABOY, MAYNARD.

MRS. O., I'M A FREE,
INDEPENDENT HUMAN PERSON,

AND YOU'RE NOT
GONNA SOFTEN ME UP

WITH THEM FANCY
FOODS AND CAVIARS

AND ROAST PEASANTS UNDER GLASS.

MORE CAVIAR AND ROAST
PEASANT UNDER GLASS, PLEASE,

FOR THIS FREE,
INDEPENDENT HUMAN PERSON.

- TREMBLEY, MORE
CAVIAR FOR MR. KREBS.

- YEAH. TREMBLEY, MORE
CAVIAR FOR MR. KREBS.

- AS YOU WISH, SIR.
- AW, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE WENT

AND SLICED UP A WHOLE
CAVIAR JUST FOR ME.

YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.
- THANK YOU, SIR.

- TOO BAD YOU CAN'T GET INTO
SOME HONEST LINE OF BUSINESS.

- KREBS, BABY, WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF OUR FOOD?

OUR CHEF COMES TO
US DIRECTLY FROM PARIS.

- OOH, MAN, HE MUST GET UP
AWFUL EARLY IN THE MORNING

TO CATCH THE BUS.

- MR. KREBS, NOW THAT
YOU ARE PARTAKING

OF OUR INCREDIBLY
GENEROUS HOSPITALITY,

YOU MUST UNDERSTAND
THERE IS A PRICE FOR THIS MEAL.

- OH, SURE. I DIG.
- EXCELLENT.

- I FIGURE IT MUST BE,
LIKE, WORTH 40 OR 50 CENTS.

HERE. KEEP THE CHANGE.
I'M A VERY HEAVY TIPPER.

- MANEY-DO, WE DO NOT CHARGE
FOR MEALS AT OSBORNE MANOR.

- OOH, MAN, WHAT TIME IS
BREAKFAST TOMORROW?

- MR. KREBS, WE ARE MERELY
ASKING FOR YOUR COOPERATION

IN SETTLING THIS MATTER
BETWEEN YOU AND MY NIECE EDWINA.

- OH, SHE'S AN ALL RIGHT KID.

YOU OUGHT TO SEE
HER UNHINGE HER JAW

AND CRACK WALNUTS
BETWEEN HER BACK TEETH.

- FASCINATING.

MR. KREBS, TO BE
PERFECTLY BLUNT,

WE FEEL THAT THIS
RELATIONSHIP IS A MISTAKE.

- TO BE PERFECTLY BLUNT,
WE FEEL IT'S A DISASTER.

- TO BE PERFECTLY BLUNT, COULD I
HAVE SOME MORE ROAST PEASANT?

- OH, OF COURSE, YOU MAY
HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT.

ONLY LET US NOT
DROP THE SUBJECT.

- AND LET US NOT DROP
THE ROAST PEASANT.

- KREBS, BABY, WE ARE PREPARED
TO PAY YOU A SUBSTANTIAL SUM

IF YOU WILL AGREE TO STAY
AWAY FROM COUSIN EDWINA.

NOW, WHAT IS THE LEAST AMOUNT
OF MONEY YOU WILL CONSIDER?

- WHAT IS THE HIGHEST
AMOUNT YOU WILL OFFER?

- WILL YOU CONSIDER $200?

- SURE, I'LL CONSIDER IT.
- BULLY.

- BUT I WON'T TAKE IT.
- WHAT ABOUT 300?

- LOOK, CHATSY O., MRS. O., I
WON'T TAKE NO AMOUNT OF MONEY.

THAT AIN'T WHAT I'M AFTER.
- OH, CLEVER BOY.

YOU ARE NO DOUBT CONCERNED
WITH THE TAX SITUATION.

- TAX SITUATION?
ME? OH, COME NOW.

- VERY WELL, IN LIEU OF CASH

WE SHALL GIVE YOU A
SUPERB IMPORTED HI-FI SET.

- PLUS A LIFETIME
SUPPLY OF RECORDS

OF ALL THE CURRENTLY
POPULAR MUSICIANS.

PAUL WHITEMAN, EDDIE PEABODY,
KATE SMITH, RUSS COLUMBO,

ANYONE YOU WANT.

- PLUS ALL THE BONGO
DRUMS YOU CAN THUMP.

- PLUS AN UNLIMITED CHARGE
ACCOUNT IN EVERY RESTAURANT

AND FEED AND
GRAIN STORE IN TOWN.

- ACCEPT, MANEY-DO,
DON'T BE A NINNY.

- IT'S A
ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OFFER.

- HALT. MAYNARD, I'M
HERE TO SAVE YOU.

DON'T LET THEM TALK
YOU INTO ANYTHING

YOU DON'T HONESTLY BELIEVE IN.

- CURSES. FOILED AGAIN.

- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO DOBIE.

- MAN, OH, MAN, DOBE, YOU GOT
HERE JUST IN THE KNACK OF TIME.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S KNICK,

AND I'M GLAD I'M NOT
TOO LATE TO HELP.

I KNOW YOU'RE
NOT BAD, JUST WEAK.

- THEY SURE HAD ME ON THE
RUN. THEY SAID IF I DUMPED EDDIE

THEY'D GIVE ME A HI-FI
AND RECORDS AND MONEY

AND ALL THE FOOD I COULD EAT,

BUT I WAS GONNA TELL
THEM NO, CAPITAL N-O-E.

AIN'T YOU PROUD OF ME?

- I'M PROUD OF MAYNARD.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
MEANING OF THE WORD GREED.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THE MEANING
OF THE WORD DISHONESTY.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THE
MEANING... COME TO THINK OF IT,

THERE ARE VERY FEW WORDS
MAYNARD DOES KNOW THE MEANING OF.

HE'S FLUNKED ENGLISH
SEVERAL TIMES.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME,

BECAUSE THERE'S ONE
VERY IMPORTANT THING

HE KNOWS VERY WELL,

HOW TO LIVE THE GOOD,
CLEAN, HONEST LIFE.

- YES. I AM QUITE DECENT.

- IT'S TRUE, MAYNARD.

AND MAYNARD?
- YEAH, GOOD BUDDY?

- DON'T CHANGE.
- HUH?

- STAY AS SWEET AS YOU ARE.

- ME? OH, COME NOW.

- MR. GILLIS, MAY I
MAKE A PRESUMPTION?

- GO AHEAD, MRS. O.,
START PRESUMPTING.

- WE'RE DEAD?
- YOU'RE DEAD.

- MAYNARD, YOU'LL
NEVER REGRET THIS.

- MAYNARD, YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
- WHAT?

- YOU'RE A GREAT HUMAN BEING.

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING ELSE, DOBE?
- WHAT?

- SO ARE YOU.

- SIX BALL IN THE SIDE POCKET,

FOUR AND NINE IN THE
CORNER OFF THE THREE.

- MUMSY, PLEASE LISTEN.

- OH, TREMBLEY, STOP CRYING.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING
I CANNOT STAND,

IT'S A POOR LOSER.

COME ON, TREMBLEY, SET THEM UP.

THE STAKES THIS TIME
WILL BE ALL YOU OWE ME

AGAINST THE PITIFUL REMNANT
OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

- MUST I, MADAM?
- YOU MUST.

- MUMSY,

I'M AFRAID THAT IF COUSIN
EDWINA WANTS THIS OAF KREBS,

WE SHALL HAVE TO ACCEPT HIM WITH
TYPICAL OSBORNE SPORTSMANSHIP.

- OH, YES. I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH.

I SHALL FACE THIS TRAGEDY
BRAVELY AND DECENTLY.

UNTIL I CAN THINK OF AN
IDEA TO SQUIRM OUT OF IT.

- OH, HIP-HIP HOORAY, MUMSY.

- AFTER ALL, THE OSBORNES
HAVE SURVIVED THE BLIZZARD OF '88,

THE STOCK MARKET CRASH OF '29,

AND MY DISPUTED LOSS OF THE
NATIONAL POOL CHAMPIONSHIP

TO WILLIE HOPPE.

CERTAINLY WE CAN SURVIVE
MAYNARD G. KREBS, CAN'T WE?

- OF COURSE WE CAN.

- NOW, FIRST, WE WILL MAKE
THIS DERELICT MORE ACCEPTABLE

BY AT LEAST GIVING HIM THE
APPEARANCE OF A GENTLEMAN.

- MAYNARD G. KREBS?

- MAYNARD G. KREBS?

- MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- MAYNARD G. ME?
YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. I'VE
GOT TO BE KIDDING.

YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE.

- WELL, WE ALL GOT TO
BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.

- REMEMBER, MUMSY. HE
MAY SOMEDAY BE AN OSBORNE.

- OH, HOW NASTY.

MR. KREBS, AS YOU MAY SOMEDAY
BE A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY,

WE ARE GOING TO TEACH
YOU A SPOT OF GOOD MANNERS.

FIRST THE PROPER
PROCEDURE FOR DRINKING TEA.

- OH, LIKE, RELAX, MRS. O.

WHEN IT COMES TO LIKE
EATING AND DRINKING,

I'M LIKE THE CORRECTEST.

I MEAN, LIKE, WATCH, SEE?

FIRST YOU POUR, THEN
YOU DUNK, THEN YOU EAT.

- NO! THAT'S BACKWARDS.

- YOU MEAN I SHOULD
HAVE POURED, DUNK, DRANK.

- GRACIOUS, NO.
- DUNK, DRANK, POURED.

- MR. KREBS...
- DUNK, DRANK, POURED.

- MR. KREBS.
- POURED, DUNK, DRANK.

- MR. KREBS!

- MADAM, WOULD YOU
CONSIDER IT IN BAD TASTE,

IF I SUBMITTED MY RESIGNATION
EFFECTIVE FIVE MINUTES AGO?

- TREMBLEY, ONLY A RAT
DESERTS A SINKING SHIP.

- YEAH, STICK AROUND, RAT.

- ALL RIGHT, MR. KREBS.

I SHALL TRY ONCE MORE.

I SHALL DEMONSTRATE THE
CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT TEATIME.

NOW, IN THE PROPER HOME,
LADIES ARE SERVED FIRST.

- YEAH. WE DO THAT IN MY HOME.

- GOOD. THAT'S A SIGN
OF GOOD MANNERS.

- NO. IT'S A SIGN THAT LADIES
ARE BIGGER AND STRONGER

THAN MEN.

- KREBS BABY...
- ALSO MEANER.

- WILL YOU TELL ME, MR. KREBS,
WHAT THIS FORK IS USED FOR?

- THAT'S FOR EATING MEATS
AND FISHES AND LIKE THAT.

- AND THIS SPOON?

- THAT'S FOR EATING SOUPS
AND GRAVIES AND LIKE THAT.

- AND THE KNIFE?

- THAT'S FOR LIKE RIPPING OFF
THE TOPS OF KETCHUP BOTTLES

AND SLIDING PEAS
INTO YOUR MOUTH.

WHEN DO WE EAT?

OH, A GENTLEMAN
YOU WILL NEVER BE.

- I'LL BUY THAT.

- PERHAPS WE CAN MAKE
YOU LOOK LIKE A GENTLEMAN.

OH, WHAT A FOOLISH HOPE.

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA GIVE UP, HUH?

GOOD THINKING. LIKE, BYE.

- AN OSBORNE NEVER
GIVES UP. ALL RIGHT.

THEY SAY THAT FINE
FEATHERS MAKE FINE BIRDS.

TREMBLY, GO GET
THE FINE FEATHERS,

WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN
DO WITH THIS VULTURE.

- NO. YOU AIN'T PUTTING NONE
OF THEM FANCY DUDS ON ME.

NEVER EVER.

- THE ONLY TIME IN HIS WHOLE LIFE
MAYNARD EVER WEARS ANYTHING

BESIDES HIS SWEATSHIRT
AND SNEAKERS

IS AT WEDDINGS, GRADUATIONS,
NATIONAL HOLIDAYS,

AND IN THE SHOWER.

SO WHEN MRS. OSBORNE
TRIED TO DRESS HIM UP FANCY,

HE WAS NATURALLY
A TINY BIT RELUCTANT.

- IF YOU DON'T LET ME
GO, I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF.

- LISTEN, MADAM. LISTEN.

- CHATSWORTH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WELL, IN A DIM LIGHT, AND
FROM A GREAT DISTANCE...

- HE'S STILL IMPOSSIBLE.

- ALL RIGHT, SO IT TOOK
A WHILE FOR MAYNARD

TO ACCEPT THE IDEA OF
WEARING CLASSY OUTFITS,

BUT ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY,

AND MAYNARD'S RESISTANCE
WAS GETTING WEAKER.

- I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF AND
TAKE EVERYBODY WITH ME.

OH, LET GO

OR I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
SUCH A KICK IN THE LABANZA.

NO OFFENSE, MRS. O.

OOH, I'M GONNA GO DOWN FIGHTING.

REMEMBER THE MAIN,
TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO.

- BOY, THAT MAYNARD'S MORE
STUBBORN THAN I FIGURED.

BUT NO MATTER HOW
HARD HE STRUGGLES,

YOU CAN JUST BET YOUR BOOTS

THAT MRS. OSBORNE
WILL NEVER QUIT FIGHTING.

- I QUIT FIGHTING. I SURRENDER.
- GOOD THINKING,

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO
FIGHT TO THE BITTER END.

I MADE UP MY HEAD.

- YES. I'M AFRAID YOU HAVE.

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THE
SAME MAYNARD G. KREBS,

WON'T YOU, MANEY-DO?

- SO WE'RE OUT OF OUR MINDS
TO EVEN TRY AND CHANGE YOU,

AREN'T WE, MANEY-DO?

- All: LIKE, TRUE.

- HI, MAYNARD, WHERE YOU BEEN?

- OVER TO MRS. OSBORNE'S.

THEY WAS TRYING TO MAKE
A GENTLEMAN OUT OF ME.

- HOW'D THEY DO...

OH, WHAT A FOOLISH QUESTION.

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.

- YOU TOO, PAL.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO DO LATER ON?

- OH, THEY'RE PAINTING
A BIG WHITE LINE

RIGHT DOWN THE
MIDDLE OF ELM STREET.

I THINK WE COULD TRAIL
ALONG AND WATCH THEM.

FUN, HUH?
- YEAH. A BALL.

- HI, MAYNARD, EDDIE.

THIS IS ELOISE McGIVNEY.
- HI.

- LIKE, HI. LIKE, HI,
DOBE. LIKE, HI, GIRL.

YOU WANT TO HELP
ME DIG FOR WORMS?

- THANK YOU, NO.

- MAYNARD, WE'RE ON OUR WAY
OVER TO THE SOPHOMORE HOP.

WOULD YOU AND EDDIE
LIKE TO COME ALONG?

- A DANCE?
- SURELY YOU JEST.

- WELL, IT'S THE SOCIAL
EVENT OF THE YEAR,

WITH A BIG ORCHESTRA
AND EVERYTHING.

I'M WEARING MY BRAND NEW DRESS.

- NO KIDDING, MAYNARD,
YOU'LL HAVE A LOT OF FUN.

COME ON, I'LL TREAT.

- NO, ME AND EDDIE DON'T
GO TO SILLY THINGS LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, SHE'D HAVE
TO PUT ON A DRESS,

AND I'D HAVE TO PUT ON HARD
SHOES AND A TIGHT COLLAR,

AND I'D RATHER WATCH THEM KNOCK
DOWN THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.

RIGHT, EDDIE?

- RIGHT, MAYNARD.

- OKAY, MAYNARD. BUT IF
YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,

WE'LL BE OVER AT
THE PEABODY LOUNGE.

COME, MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.

I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO
HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS

WHILE WE DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY.

- OH, DOBIE, I'VE NEVER HEARD A
BOY SPEAK AS SWEETLY AS YOU DO.

- YOU HAVE.
- AIN'T THAT A JOKE,

WANTING US TO GO
TO A HARD SHOE DANCE.

- YEAH.

- THAT'S ONE THING I
AIN'T NEVER GONNA DO.

- NEVER?
- LIKE, NEVER.

- WELL, SOMEDAY WE
MIGHT WANT TO JUST GO IN

AND SEE WHAT IT'S
LIKE, HUH, MAYNARD?

- GIRL, YOU FLIPPED ALTOGETHER?

- I KNOW WE DON'T WANT TO
DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT NOW,

BUT WHO CAN TELL HOW WE'LL
FEEL IN A FEW MONTHS OR...

OR A YEAR MAYBE?

- I KNOW HOW I'LL FEEL A YEAR
FROM NOW, EVEN 50 YEARS.

THE SAME WAY I
FEEL NOW. AGAINST.

- YOU MEAN IN 50 YEARS

WE'LL STILL BE DOING
WHAT WE'RE DOING NOW?

- LIKE, TRUE. IT'S THE GREATEST.
- MAYNARD.

- OH, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING,

IN 50 YEARS THE OLD
ENDICOTT BUILDING

WILL BE ALL KNOCKED DOWN,

BUT DON'T YOU WORRY
YOUR HEAD ABOUT IT.

THERE'LL BE NEW BUILDINGS
TO BE KNOCKED DOWN

AND THEY'LL LET US WATCH,
THEY'RE LIKE VERY FRIENDLY.

- I SEE.

- AND THEY WON'T HAVE
THE SAME SHEEP TO DIP,

BUT THEY'LL HAVE
NEW SHEEP TO DIP.

THAT'S NATURE.

MAN, WHAT A LIFE.

YOU JUST MARK MY WORDS,
GIRL, IN 50 OR 40 YEARS FROM NOW,

ALL THEM OTHER CATS IS STILL
GOING TO BE WASTING THEIR TIME

DANCING AND GALLIVANTING.

BUT NOT ME AND YOU. NO SIR.

BY THEN WE MIGHT BE
OLDISH AND GRAYISH,

AND CREAKYISH IN THE JOINTS,

BUT MAN, WE'RE GONNA BE
DOING LIKE, BIG IMPORTANT THINGS,

LIKE COLLECTING THE
HUGEST BALL OF TINFOIL

IN THE WHOLE WESTERN
STRATOSPHERE.

JUST THINK OF IT,

BY THAT TIME IT OUGHT TO
BE FINISHED AND GIGANTIC.

MAN, GLORIOSKI, THAT'S
WHAT I CALL PROGRESS.

NOT HACKING AROUND
WITH FOOLISHNESS

LIKE GETTING DRESSED
UP IN HARD SHOES

AND DRESSES AND NECKTIES

AND SOCIALIZING YOUR LIFE AWAY.

- MAYNARD, COULDN'T WE GO OUT

AND DANCE JUST A
FEW STEPS, PLEASE?

- WE AIN'T GOT THE TIME.

WE GOT TO GO WATCH THEM KNOCK
DOWN THE NEW ENDICOTT BUILDING.

AND AFTER THAT, WE GOT
TO GO OVER TO ELM STREET

AND WATCH THEM
PAINT THE WHITE LINE

DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

OH, THE OLD ONE'S
GETTING PRETTY FADED.

IT'S BEEN THERE
DANG NEAR 50 YEARS.

COME ON.

- HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER, EDDIE,

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
LOST IN THE SMOG.

- THAT'S FOG, MAYNARD,

AND WE CAN'T DO THE SAME
THING YEARS FROM NOW

THAT WE'RE DOING NOW.

- WHY NOT?

- PEOPLE CHANGE.

THEY LIKE TO DO OTHER THINGS.
- NOT ME.

I'M THE SAME AS I ALWAYS
WAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

- THAT'S TRUE.

- I MEAN, I WEAR
THE SAME SIZE SOCK

I WORE WHEN I WAS 10 YEARS OLD.

- YOU'RE A REMARKABLE PERSON.
- LIKE, TRUE.

- YOU'RE SORT OF
LIKE A PETER PAN.

- PETE WHO?

- EVERYBODY AROUND YOU GROWS
UP, WHILE YOU STAY THE SAME.

- AND THAT'S THE
WAY IT'S GONNA BE.

- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD,
BECAUSE IT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.

YOU'RE HAPPY THAT WAY, BUT...

BUT I'M AFRAID IT
WON'T WORK FOR ME.

- I DIDN'T THINK YOU WOULD.

- YOU KNEW I'D FEEL THIS WAY?
- MM-HM.

MAYBE YOU DIDN'T LIKE
DOING ALL THEM THINGS

WHEN YOU WERE HACKING
AROUND WITH THE HOITY-TOITY SET,

BUT THAT WAS PART OF THE
WAY YOU WAS GROWING UP.

I MEAN, NOT MANY PEOPLE
CAN STAY PUT LIKE ME.

I'M UNIQUE.

- THAT'S UNIQUE...

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, MAYNARD.

YOU ARE UNIQUE.

GOODBYE, MAYNARD.

- GOODBYE, EDWINA.

- AND THANKS. I'LL
NEVER FORGET YOU.

- NATURALLY. WHO COULD?

MAN, I HOPE THE
FISH AIN'T BITING,

BECAUSE I SURE DO
FEEL LIKE A HAMBURGER.

- HI, MAYNARD. CATCH ANYTHING?

- MM-HM. SIZE 10. GOOD CATCH.

- MAYNARD, WHERE'S EDDIE?
- WHO?

- YOU KNOW, CHATSWORTH'S COUSIN.

- OH, YOU MEAN EDWINA.

- YEAH.

OH, I GET IT.

OH, DON'T BE
DISCOURAGED, MAYNARD.

WE ALL LOSE GIRLS
ONCE IN A WHILE.

WITH ME IT'S PRACTICALLY
A FULL-TIME OCCUPATION.

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, MAYNARD.

IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST,
WHO NEEDS GIRLS?

I MEAN, WE'RE PROBABLY BETTER
OFF HACKING AROUND TOGETHER...

- GOOD BUDDY?
- YES, MAYNARD.

- YOU'RE LYING, AIN'T YOU?
- I'M LYING.

- DOBE, THIS HAS
GOT ME ALL SHOOK UP.

I MEAN, WOULDN'T IT BE MISERABLE

IF SOMEDAY I WANTED TO
HACK AROUND WITH A CHICK

AND GO TO THE MOVIES AND
DANCES AND ALL LIKE THAT?

- LIKE MISERABLE.

- GOOD BUDDY, YOU
GOT TO PROMISE ME,

IF THAT EVER HAPPENS,

YOU'LL BE THERE TO
RESCUE ME, LIKE, PLEASE.

- I'LL BE THERE,
MAYNARD. I'LL BE THERE.