The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 30 - I Was a Boy Sorority Girl - full transcript
To earn $20 to woo his high-class girlfriend Samantha, Dobie and Maynard take a job as waiters at a sorority house party, but when Samantha shows up as a guest, the boys become girls to avoid being detected.
- THE NAME OF MY NEW
GIRL IS SAMANTHA DIGBY.
SAMANTHA COMES
FROM VERY HIGH SOCIETY.
SHE HAS WEALTH, BREEDING,
SOCIAL POSITION, BLUE BLOOD,
WHEREAS I'M THE SON OF
A PLAIN, SIMPLE GROCER,
HERBERT T. GILLIS.
BUT DOES SAMANTHA CARE THAT
SHE'S FROM THE UPPER CRUST
AND I'M FROM THE HOI POLLOI?
OF COURSE SHE DOESN'T.
AND WHY DOESN'T SHE?
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
AND WHY DOESN'T SHE KNOW?
'CAUSE I LIED TO HER.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE THE SORT OF BOY
I SHOULD BE SEEN WITH?
- BUT OF COURSE.
- IT WOULD BE JUST AWFUL
IF I FOUND MYSELF GETTING
IN WITH THE WRONG CROWD.
- DISASTROUS.
- THEN ARE YOU
SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE?
- UTTERLY.
- AND FROM A FINE OLD FAMILY?
- WE WERE AT THE DOCK
WHEN THOSE GREENHORNS
GOT OFF THE MAYFLOWER.
- I MUST SAY IT'S ODD
MOTHER COULDN'T FIND
YOUR FAMILY IN THE BOOK.
- OF COURSE WE'RE IN
THE BOOK. KLAMATH 5-1486.
- NO, I MEAN, THE BOOK,
THE SOCIAL REGISTER.
- OH, THAT BOOK.
- YOU'RE NOT LISTED.
- OH, WE'RE LISTED ALL RIGHT
BUT WE'RE SO SOCIAL
IT'S AN UNLISTED LISTING.
- [SIGHS] IT DID WORRY ME.
YOU SEEM A PLEASANT ENOUGH BOY.
- OH, DELIGHTFUL.
- BUT ONE NEVER KNOWS.
SUPPOSING YOU TURNED OUT TO BE
SOME SHODDY, SEEDY,
TACKY, NON-ENTITY.
- YOU RANG?
- HEAVENS. WHAT'S THAT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING, GIRL?
I'M DOBE'S OLDEST AND CLOSEST
AND DEAREST GOOD
BUDDY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- SURELY YOU JEST.
DOBIE CAN THIS BE TRUE?
- HE'S AN ECCENTRIC,
RICH MILLIONAIRE.
- DOBE, CAN YOU
LEND ME 15 CENTS?
- SEE, HE NEVER CARRIES A
CENT, JUST LIKE ROCKEFELLER.
- I'M GONNA TAKE THE BUS IF
YOUR DAD DOESN'T SHOW UP SOON
WITH THE TRUCK.
- YOUR FATHER DRIVES A TRUCK?
- IT'S THE GARDENER'S.
OUR ROLLS BROKE DOWN.
- DOBIE, EXACTLY WHAT
DOES YOUR FATHER DO?
- HERBERT T. GILLIS?
OH, HE HAS A GROC...
- GROSS CONTEMPT FOR
PEOPLE WHO TOIL FOR A LIVING.
- NATURALLY, BUT
WHAT DOES HE DO?
- LIKE I SAID HE HAS A GRO...
- GROWING NUMBER OF
LARGE CORPORATIONS
OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
- WELL, DESCRIBE ONE.
- HMM...
- WHEN YOU WALK INTO YOUR
FATHER'S PLACE OF BUSINESS,
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- WELL, MOSTLY THERE'S, LIKE,
ROWS AND ROWS OF CAN...
- CAN... CANNY SPECULATORS
WAITING FOR DAD TO
GIVE THEM THE SIGNAL.
- COME ON, DOBE, LET'S GO!
- OOH, THERE'S MY RIDE.
- MAYNARD, WATCH
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
LOOK OUT FOR THOSE TOMATOES.
- TOMAYTOES?
- TOMAHTOES.
DAD GROWS THEM AS A
HOBBY IN THE HOTHOUSE
BEHIND THE TWO SWIMMING POOLS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- IS THAT A GOLDEN GIRL
OR IS THAT A GOLDEN GIRL?
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES
TO TAKE OUT A GOLDEN GIRL?
GOLD.
LOTS AND LOTS OF GOLD.
AND TO FIND ALL THAT GOLD
WHERE DOES ONE LOOK?
WELL, FORTUNATELY,
THERE'S ALWAYS
THAT LITTLE POT AT THE
END OF THE RAINBOW.
- DOBIE?
- IT'S OKAY, DAD, I
WAS JUST BROWSING.
- YEAH, BROWSING FOR WHAT?
- 20 DOLLARS.
- 20 DOLLARS!
- DAD, IT'S A MATTER
OF LIFE OR DEATH.
- YEAH, YOURS, YOU TRY
GETTING AWAY WITH 20 BUCKS.
- DAD, I'LL PUT IN AN I.O.U.
- I ALREADY GOT
I.O.U.s FROM YOU,
ENOUGH TO LAST ME TILL 1994.
- DAD, I HONESTLY,
ABSOLUTELY, NEED THAT 20
FOR THE SPRING PROM.
- A COLLEGE DANCE FOR 20 BUCKS?
WHERE THEY HOLDING
IT, AT FORT KNOX?
- DAD, IT'S NOT
JUST THE TICKETS.
THERE'S THE CORSAGE AND THE
TAXI AND THE MIDNIGHT SUPPER.
SAMANTHA EXPECTS THOSE THINGS.
- AND WHO IS SAMANTHA?
- THE GIRL I'M TAKING. YOU
SAW HER ON CAMPUS TODAY.
- OH, YEAH, THE ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A HORSE.
- LIKE A THOROUGHBRED,
DAD, AND SHE IS.
SAMANTHA IS A RICH,
BEAUTIFUL, HEIRESS.
- MM-HMM. HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?
HERE I AM JUST AN ORDINARY JOE
TRYING TO HACK IT OUT IN
THE CORNER GROCERY STORE
YET MY SON TAKES
HEIRESSES TO PROMS,
TO AND FRO IN TAXIS,
BUYS THEM CORSAGES,
MIDNIGHT SUPPER.
- YEAH, THAT'S AMERICA, DAD.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, BOY,
AND I'M NOT GONNA
STAND IN YOUR WAY.
I AM GOING TO HELP YOU OUT.
- OH, YOU'RE A PEACH.
- WITH A LITTLE
VERY GOOD ADVICE,
IF YOU NEED 20 BUCKS,
GO OUT AND EARN IT.
- NOT GO TO THE PROM?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- BUT IT'S JUST ANOTHER
DANCE, MY SWEET.
SURELY YOU'VE BEEN
TO DOZENS OF THEM.
- HUNDREDS, I ADORE DANCING.
- YEAH, THE SAME OLD MUSIC.
- I LOVE OLD SONGS.
- THE SAME OLD FAMILIAR FACES.
- NOT TO ME. I JUST
ENROLLED HERE.
- AND THEN AFTER THE DANCE
INEVITABLY WE'LL FIND OURSELVES
HAVING A BITE AT SOME
DREARY LITTLE PLACE.
- NOT US. WE'LL GO
TO THE GOLDEN BEAR.
- THE GOLDEN BEAR?
- I HEAR THEIR CAVIAR
IS JUST HEAVEN.
- CAVIAR?
- BLACK CAVIAR WITH BLINI,
IT'S A RUSSIAN DISH.
- DO YOU THINK
AT A TIME LIKE THIS
WE SHOULD BE EATING
RUSSIAN DISHES?
- DANCING ALWAYS GIVES
ME SUCH AN APPETITE.
- GOODBYE, SAMANTHA.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING.
IT'S SO EARLY.
- I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED,
I'VE GOT TO GET TO WORK.
- LET'S FACE IT,
THERE'S JUST NO WAY
I CAN MAKE $20 IN ONE DAY.
I MEAN, WITHOUT MAYBE STEALING
A PICASSO FROM SOME MUSEUM.
NO ONE PERSON CAN
MAKE THAT MUCH HONESTLY,
BUT TWO PERSONS COULD MAYBE,
ESPECIALLY IF THE SECOND PERSON
WAS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND
OF THE FIRST PERSON
THAT HE'D MAKE HIM
A PERSONAL LOAN.
- I WON'T DO IT.
- MAYNARD.
- I MEAN, I'D LEND YOU
THE MONEY GLADLY
WITHOUT INTEREST OR CHOLESTEROL.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S COLLATERAL.
- BUT WORK TO EARN IT FIRST?
- MAYNARD, IT'S JUST
ONE DAY'S WORK.
- WORK?! OH, DOBE, THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE HABIT-FORMING.
- NOT THIS JOB. READ THE SIGN.
- OOH, THOSE SORORITY HOUSES
ARE, LIKE, CRAWLING WITH GIRLS.
- YOU WON'T HELP?
- NOPE.
- MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED.
WHO'S BEEN YOUR BEST FRIEND
EVER SINCE WE WERE
LITTLE TINY BABIES?
- YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- WHO TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO TIE YOUR SHOES?
- YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- AND WHO TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO DIAL A TELEPHONE?
- YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- AND WHO TAUGHT...
- THAT'S ABOUT ALL I
KNOW HOW TO DO, DOBE.
- WELL, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE KNOWN THAT MUCH
IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR ME.
AND NOW I ASK YOU
FOR ONE LITTLE FAVOR
AND WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- SO LONG, EX-GOOD BUDDY.
- HERE WE ARE, MRS.
OSBORNE, READY FOR WORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD.
- YOU ADVERTISED FOR TWO
EFFICIENT YOUNG STUDENTS
AND THEY SENT YOU
THESE PEASANTS?
- I'M AFRAID SO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- OH, SHOCKING.
ALL RIGHT, GILLIS AND DREGS.
- THAT'S KREBS, YOUR DRAGONSHIP.
- SILENCE.
AS NATIONAL CHAIRWOMAN
OF THE ALUMNAE OF ETA THETA,
I AM HERE TODAY TO SEE
THAT THIS OPEN HOUSE
IS A BRILLIANT SUCCESS.
WELL, NATURALLY MY
PRESENCE HERE ASSURES THAT.
- OH, IT DOES, MRS. OSBORNE.
- BUT EVERYTHING
ELSE MUST BE TICKY-BOO.
NOW, AT THE PROPER TIME YOU
WILL SERVE A BUFFET SUPPER.
IN THE MEANTIME, YOU ARE TO
CIRCULATE THE REFRESHMENTS
IN A DECOROUS MANNER.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- OH, MRS. OSBORNE,
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?
I THINK I HEAR THE
GUESTS ARRIVING.
- LADY FINGERS.
- OH, KEEP YOURSELVES
UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND,
YOU NASTY BOYS.
WE HAVE INVITED THE MOST
PROMINENT COEDS ON THE CAMPUS,
HOPING TO INDUCE THEM
TO JOIN OUR SORORITY,
AND THAT IS WHY IT IS
PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT
THAT YOU PERFORM YOUR
DUTIES DISCREETLY, QUIETLY
AND UNOBTRUSIVELY.
NOW, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- YES, MA'AM.
- I DON'T.
- WELL, UNDERSTAND THIS:
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU
TO VENTURE TO THE SECOND FLOOR
WHERE THE GIRLS HAVE
THEIR SLEEPING QUARTERS
BECAUSE IF YOU DO,
YOU WILL BE EXPELLED
FROM THE COLLEGE.
- WHY WOULD WE
WANNA GO UPSTAIRS?
THERE'S NOTHING
BUT GIRLS UP THERE.
- REFRESHMENTS, MADEMOISELLE?
- THANK YOU.
- MAY I RECOMMEND
THE PETIT FOURS?
- MERCI.
- MAYNARD, EASY DOES IT.
JUST BE CALM AND
COOL AND COLLECTED.
- OH, HI, SAMANTHA.
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU
WERE ABLE TO COME!
- JUST CALM AND C...
SAMANTHA!
- WHAT A CHARMING ROOM.
- COME IN AND GET ACQUAINTED.
- OH, DARN, NOW WHERE ARE THOSE
WAITERS WITH THOSE REFRESHMENTS?
- IT'S SAMANTHA ALL RIGHT.
IF SHE SEES ME WORKING
HERE AS A BUTLER I'M DOOMED.
- HOW COME? YOU BUTLE REAL GOOD.
- SAMANTHA DESPISES
PEOPLE WHO WORK.
SHE THINKS I'M A RICH PLAYBOY.
- OKAY, I'LL SERVE
THE PRETTY THREES.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S PETIT FOURS
AND SHE THINKS YOU'RE
AN ECCENTRIC MILLIONAIRE.
- SO I BUTLE FOR KICKS.
- YOU'RE NOT THAT ECCENTRIC.
- AVANT, YOU LACKEYS,
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
- MRS. OSBORNE. WE
HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
- NOW?
- IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
COULD WE PLEASE HAVE OUR MONEY?
- BEFORE YOU HAVE COMPLETED
YOUR MISERABLE CHORES?
- WE'LL COME BACK ANOTHER
TIME AND WORK LIKE DOGS FOR YOU.
WE'LL SCRUB FLOORS.
- YOU WERE HIRED TO
SERVE REFRESHMENTS
AND LATER ON A BUFFET SUPPER
AND UNLESS YOU PREFORM THE
DUTIES FOR WHICH YOU WERE HIRED
NOT ONLY WILL YOU NOT BE PAID
BUT I WILL REPORT
YOU TO THE DEAN,
AND IF YOUR MARKS ARE
WHAT I THINK THEY ARE...
- MINE ARE, DOBE'S TOO.
- THEN YOU DO NOT WISH TO
BE REPORTED TO THE DEAN.
- NOT ME. DOBE NEITHER.
- THEN GET BUSY AND SERVE.
- ETA THETA IS MY FIRST CHOICE,
THAT IS IF I'M ASKED TO JOIN.
- OH, I WOULDN'T
WORRY ABOUT THAT.
- I HEAR YOU HAVE A MARVY CROWD.
- ALL THE BIG WHEELS ON CAMPUS.
- SAMANTHA, WOULDN'T YOU
CARE FOR A BITE OF SOMETHING?
- I'D ADORE SOME HORS D'OEUVRES.
- WAITER? WAITER?
HOR D'OEUVRES, PLEASE.
- SORRY, NOT MY TABLE.
- SERVE!
- WOULD YOU PLEASE
LOWER THAT TRAY?
- THANK YOU.
- DON'T LEAVE!
- YOU KNOW, WE
THINK OF ETA THETA
AS THE FAMILY SORORITY.
- REALLY?
A CUP OF TEA, SAMANTHA?
- LOVE IT.
- SOME TEA, PLEASE.
- YOU SEE, GRANDMUMS
FOUNDED THE RADCLIFFE CHAPTER.
- DID SHE?
- SO, OF COURSE, MATER
WAS AN ETA THETA...
AND LATER MY SISTER GRETA.
- WHAT SCHOOL?
- DECATUR.
- CREAM OR LEMON?
- CREAM, PLEASE.
SUGAR.
TWO LUMPS, PLEASE.
- OH, MAN, I'M BUSHED. ALL
THIS SPOOKING AROUND.
- MAYNARD, IT'S JUST
ONE DAY'S WORK.
- WORK?! OH, DOBE,
I DON'T MIND IT.
I MEAN, I DO MIND IT,
BUT IT AIN'T WORTH IT
FOR SOME SNOOTY CHICK,
ESPECIALLY WHEN HER
NAME IS SALAMANDER.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S SAMANTHA.
- NO OFFENSE, GOOD BUDDY,
BUT CAN'T YOU, LIKE, LOSE HER?
- LOSE THAT GOLDEN GIRL,
THAT THOROUGHBRED?
- SO YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER
CHICK WHO LOOKS LIKE A HORSE.
- YES, WE'D LOVE TO SHOW
YOU THE KITCHEN, SAMANTHA.
- OH, MAN, YOU'RE DEAD.
- NOT YET. HEY, UPSTAIRS.
- OH, DOBE, WE CAN
GET SUSPENDED.
- NOT IF THEY DON'T CATCH US.
- I'LL BE WITH YOU
IN A SECOND, SALLY.
- INSIDE!
- HEY, IT'S JUST A GIRL'S ROOM.
HOW COME THEY DON'T WANT
FELLAS TO COME UP HERE?
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- I'M GOING TO CHANGE MY SHOES.
- OH, DO YOU HAVE TO?
- I HAVE TO.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN
I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- WHO NEEDS A BROKEN LEG?
- HEY, OUT THE BACK DOOR.
YEAH, QUICK, UNDER THE BED.
- I'LL JUST SLIP
INTO SOME FLATS.
THESE TIGHT SHOES ARE MURDER.
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- MY FLATS ARE UNDER THE BED.
- THAT'S BETTER. NOW
LET'S GO BACK TO THE PARTY.
- NOW I KNOW HOW MICE FEEL.
- YEAH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- THEY TELL ME
THEY'VE RESERVED IT...
- MAYNARD.
COME ALONG, CHILD. NO
DORMITORIES AT ETA THETA.
THE GIRLS HAVE LOVELY ROOMS.
- DOOMSVILLE.
- YOU'RE VERY KIND.
- NO, INTO THE CLOSET.
- OH, MY GRACIOUS. AFTER
ALL, YOUR MOTHER AND I...
- I READ SOMEPLACE, AT A
PICTURE AUCTION I THINK,
THAT ONE PICTURE'S
WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS,
SO LET ME SHOW YOU A
PICTURE OF THE TIGHT SPOT
MAYNARD AND I WERE IN.
TIGHT? THE DARN THING
WAS SQUEEZING US TO DEATH.
HERE'S THE CLOSET
WHERE WE WERE HIDING
AND HERE'S THE HALLWAY WHERE
SAMANTHA AND MRS. OSBORNE
AND AN ARMY OF
GIRLS WERE MARCHING.
WE WERE IN TERRIBLE DANGER
EVERY MINUTE WE STAYED THERE,
SO THERE WAS ONLY ONE BRAVE,
HEROIC, MANLY THING TO DO.
- WELL, MY FOLKS ALWAYS
WANTED A GIRL. HOW DO I LOOK?
- ALMOST PERFECT, MAYNARD.
THERE'S JUST ONE THING WRONG.
- OH, MY PANTS
SHOWING, I CAN FIX THAT.
- IT'S NOT THE PANTS, MAYNARD.
- OH, THIS DRESS DOESN'T
DO TOO MUCH FOR MY FIGURE.
- IT'S NOT YOUR FIGURE, EITHER.
- OH, NO, DOBE, PLEASE
NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.
- MAYNARD, IT WON'T HURT A BIT.
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE
TINY BEARD, DOBE.
LOOK AT ALL THE
CHICKS THAT GOT BEARDS.
ALL THE ONES IN THE CIRCUS.
- MAYNARD,
I'D SOONER CUT OFF MY RIGHT ARM.
- CUT IT OFF, CUT IT OFF.
- MAYNARD.
[DOOR OPENS]
- OH, HI, GIRLS.
YOU MUST BE A COUPLE
OF PROSPECTIVE MEMBERS.
I'M SALLY SORREE, THE
CHAPTER PRESIDENT.
AND THIS IS MARTHA VAN TREES.
AND WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
- I'M MAY.
- AND I'M DOE.
- MAY AND DOE, I'LL REMEMBER.
- MARTHA, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
THIS DRESS IS TOO DRESSY
FOR THE OCCASION, ISN'T IT?
- I'M AFRAID SO.
- THEN I'LL CHANGE IT.
- I WAS THINKING THAT
MINE'S TOO DRESSY, TOO.
- OH, NO, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
DON'T CHANGE A THING.
- THAT'S VERY FLATTERING
BUT IT REALLY ISN'T RIGHT
FOR AN AFTERNOON PARTY.
- MARTHA, WOULD YOU BRING
THE BROWN DRESS, PLEASE?
- OH, THAT'S TOO PLAIN.
BRING THE BLUE ONE.
- IT WAS SO WARM DOWN
IN THE LIVING ROOM,
I WONDER IF I'D HAVE
TIME TO TAKE A SHOWER?
- OH, NO!
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU GIRLS?
- OH, WATER'S SO WET.
- THE SHOWER'S SPOOKY.
[GIGGLES]
- WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU GIRLS?
- [BOTH SIMPERING]
- WELL, I THINK A SHOWER
SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL IDEA.
- OH, NO. NO, NO,
NO. SHOWERS ARE...
- I'M AFRAID WE'RE NOT
GOING TO HAVE THE TIME.
- NO TIME. NO.
- MAY, WOULD YOU
BE A LAMB AND ZIP ME.
- ZIP, SURE.
- WOULD YOU GIRLS CARE
TO CHANGE ANYTHING?
- OH, YES. OH, NO!
- WOULD YOU CARE TO FRESHEN UP?
- [SIMPERS]
- SHE DOESN'T NEED TO WITH
HER LOVELY COMPLEXION.
- OH, MAY, IT'S PASSION'S
LOVE. TRY SOME.
- OOH. OOH-OOH.
- SALLY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
OH, WHO ARE THESE YOUNG LADIES?
- THIS IS MAY.
THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN BECOMING ONE OF US.
- CHARMING.
NOT EXACTLY THE CLASSIC
MOLD... BUT CHARMING.
SALLY, WE HAVE A
DESPERATE SITUATION.
GINGER ALE IS RUNNING LOW
AND PISTACHIO NUTS ARE ALL GONE.
- OH, DEAR. WELL,
WHAT CAN WE DO?
THERE ISN'T A GROCER IN TOWN
WHO'LL DELIVER AT THIS HOUR.
- WAIT A MINUTE, I JUST
THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.
THERE IS ONE GROCER,
HERBERT T. GILLIS.
HE'D DO ANYTHING FOR A BUCK.
- THAT'S HIM ALL RIGHT.
- BUT, MRS. OSBORNE,
YOU DON'T MEAN
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE MR. GILLIS
COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW?
- AT ONCE.
- OH, I WOULDN'T DO THAT.
- PRAY, WHY NOT?
- OH, HE CHARGES TOO MUCH.
HIS PRICES ARE WAY OUT OF LINE.
- ALSO HE'S MEAN AND
ROTTEN AND HE YELLS A LOT.
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- TRUE, TRUE, BUT IN
DESPERATE SITUATIONS
WE TAKE DESPERATE
MEASURES. I'LL GO CALL GILLIS.
- DOOMED.
- WE'RE DOOMED.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
GIRLS? TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT?
- YES.
- YES, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
SAY, I HAVE AN IDEA,
LET'S GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND JOIN IN THE SING.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD
SING TO SOOTHE THE SOUL.
COME ON, GIRLS.
- WELL, THANK YOU. I WISH
BOYS WOULD LEARN TO DO THAT.
♪ DAUGHTERS TRUE OF ETA THETA ♪
♪ PLEDGE OUR HEARTS TO THEE ♪
♪ MAY THY FAME
GROW EVER GREATER ♪
♪ FAIR SORORITY ♪
- ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, LET'S
TRY THIS HYMN ONCE MORE,
AND THIS TIME EVERYBODY SING.
A-1, A-2, A-3...
♪ DAUGHTERS TRUE OF ETA THETA ♪
♪ PLEDGE OUR HEARTS TO THEE ♪
♪ MAY THY FAME
GROW EVER GREATER ♪
♪ FAIR SORORITY ♪
[BASS VOICE] ♪ FAIR SORORITY ♪
- YIKES, WHERE DID
YOU GET THAT NOTE?
[FALSETTO]
- FROM MY FATHER.
- WELL, GIRLS, WE'LL HAVE
A BUFFET SUPPER SHORTLY
AND IN THE MEANTIME JUST
RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELVES.
- SUPPER, MAYNARD. BACK TO WORK.
- OH. WORK?!
- WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN, YOU NASTY BOYS?
- LIKE, HERE AND LIKE, THERE.
- SET OUT THIS FOOD IN THE
LIVING ROOM IMMEDIATELY.
[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]
- HEY, DOBE, SAMANTHA'S
HEADING THIS WAY.
- ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL.
BACK IN THE KITCHEN.
- AGAIN WE WERE IN THE SOUP,
BUT THIS TIME THE BATTLE
CONDITIONS HAD CHANGED.
MRS. OSBORNE KNEW
THAT TWO MALE WAITERS
WERE SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE
AND IF SHE CAUGHT US
UPSTAIRS, WE'D BE THE SOUP.
WHAT DID WE DO?
DID WE GET DRESSED
UP AS GIRLS AGAIN?
THAT'D BE THE COWARDLY WAY OUT
AND WE TOOK IT.
- DELIVERY FROM KANE'S BAKE
SHOP. WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?
- OH, ON THE TABLE.
- HEY, YOU'RE CUTE.
- I MEAN, YOU, HONEY.
- A LITTLE SKINNY MAYBE,
BUT I COULD GO FOR YOU.
- YOU GOT A STEADY BOYFRIEND?
- NOPE.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT
A DATE TONIGHT, HUH?
OH, THE BASHFUL TYPE, HUH?
BUT I BET WHEN YOU
GET TO KNOW A FELLA,
YOU'RE A BARREL OF FUN.
YOU LIKE DANCING, BABE-A-REENO?
DREAMY WALTZES?
ROCK 'N' ROLL?
CHA-CHA?
- NO!
- HEY, BABY.
- MAY, MAY!
1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA,
1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.
1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.
- STOP IT. STOP THIS DEBAUCHERY.
- CHA-CHA-CHA. 1, 2... HEY!
- YOU LOUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!
- SEE YOU TONIGHT, KID, WEAR
SOMETHING LOW-CUT AND SLINKY.
- THE IDEA!
AN ETA THETA RUSHEE
CONSORTING WITH
THE LOWER ORDERS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAITERS?
- NO.
- I MEAN, TWO ODIOUS
BOYS IN WAITER'S UNIFORMS.
WELL, WHERE ARE THEY?
WHY AREN'T THEY
SERVING OUT THERE?
- COME ON, MAYNARD.
- AIN'T WE DUE FOR A
COFFEE BREAK YET?
- SERVE!
- HEY, DOBE?
- WHAT?
- SAMANTHA JUST GOT IN LINE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?
- LOOKING FOR A SERVING SPOON.
- HERE YOU GO.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, I'LL HELP YOU
LOOK, TOO, DOBE.
- OKAY, SO WE WERE
TRAPPED AGAIN,
BUT THIS TIME I WASN'T GONNA
MAKE A DARN FOOL OF MYSELF
BY GETTING DISGUISED AS A GIRL.
NO, SIR.
NOW, IF WE WENT THIS
WAY WITH MRS. OSBORNE
AND THE GIRLS COMING THROUGH...
HMM, THAT WON'T WORK.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT IF WE
CLIMB DOWN HERE AND...
NO, NO. NO, THAT'D TAKE
US RIGHT PAST THE WINDOWS.
AHA! I HAVE IT. OF COURSE.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
- OH, HI, GIRLS.
- DAD!
- SOMEBODY CALLED UP IN A HURRY
AND TOLD ME TO RUSH
RIGHT DOWN WITH THESE...
AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN DAD?
- LIKE, HI, MR.G.
- MAYNARD! DOBE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN
THESE GIRLS' CLOTHES?
- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
IF YOU COME UP WITH A
GOOD ANSWER TELL US.
- WE'RE WORKING HERE.
- WHAT AS? HAT-CHECK GIRLS?
- WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
HARD TO EXPLAIN.
- I'D SAY IMPOSSIBLE.
- YEAH, WELL, NEVER MIND.
WHERE DID YOU GET THESE DRESSES?
- YEAH, UPSTAIRS.
- WELL, MARCH
RIGHT BACK UP THERE
AND PUT THEM BACK
WHERE YOU FOUND THEM.
- MR. G...
- DAD, LOOK.
- MARCH! MARCH! ON THE DOUBLE!
HUP, 2, 3, 4, HUP, 2, 3, 4!
- ALL RIGHT, WHICH ROOM IS IT?
- IN HERE, DAD.
- OKAY, GET IN THERE AND GET
OUT OF THESE THINGS AND FAST!
- DAD, WE CAN'T.
- WE CAN'T, MR. G.
THEY'LL KICK US OUT OF SCHOOL.
- WHAT?
FOR NOT WEARING GIRLS' CLOTHES?
WHAT KIND OF A
KOOKY COLLEGE IS THIS?
- CARRY ON, GIRLS,
SEARCH EVERY ROOM.
I'M SURE I SAW A MAN
GO UP THE BACK STAIRS.
- AH, DOBE, LET'S
JUST GIVE UP, HUH?
- NO, COME ON, DAD.
INTO THE CLOSET.
- INTO THE CLOSET?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
COTTON-PICKIN' MIND?
- DAD, YOU WANT A COLLEGE
MAN IN THE FAMILY, DON'T YOU?
- A COLLEGE MAN, YEAH,
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
- CARRY ON, GIRLS!
CARRY ON, SEARCH!
- OH, GIRLS, HAVE YOU
SEEN A MAN UP HERE?
- OH!
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- I'M MRS. CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, SR.,
YOUR HOSTESS,
YOU'RE ONE OF THE
GIRL'S MOTHERS I PRESUME?
OH, YES, OF COURSE, I
SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.
WOULDN'T YOU CARE
TO COME DOWNSTAIRS
AND HAVE A BIT OF
SUPPER WITH US?
- OH, CHARMED.
- LEGS!
- YOUR SLIP IS SHOWING.
- SO THE GOLDEN
GIRL, SAMANTHA DIGBY'S
LOST TO ME FOREVER AND EVER
AND MY DAD'S BEEN BARRED FROM
THE CAMPUS FOREVER AND EVER
AND THE DEAN'S PUT ME ON
PROBATION FOREVER AND EVER
BUT THE WORST THING OF ALL
DIDN'T HAPPEN TO DAD OR TO ME.
IT HAPPENED TO MAYNARD.
- GO!
GO! YOU WRETCHED,
LOW-BORN CREATURES
AND NEVER LET ME CLAP THESE
ARISTOCRATIC EYES ON YOU AGAIN.
- BABE-A-REENO, I'M HERE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO ME,
I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY DOES.
I FOUND MY LOVE AT LAST AND
NOBODY CAN TAKE HER FROM ME.
COME, MY TIGER,
THOUGH THE WHOLE
WORLD MAY BE AGAINST US
WE WILL DANCE, DANCE, D...
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- OH!
GIRL IS SAMANTHA DIGBY.
SAMANTHA COMES
FROM VERY HIGH SOCIETY.
SHE HAS WEALTH, BREEDING,
SOCIAL POSITION, BLUE BLOOD,
WHEREAS I'M THE SON OF
A PLAIN, SIMPLE GROCER,
HERBERT T. GILLIS.
BUT DOES SAMANTHA CARE THAT
SHE'S FROM THE UPPER CRUST
AND I'M FROM THE HOI POLLOI?
OF COURSE SHE DOESN'T.
AND WHY DOESN'T SHE?
BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
AND WHY DOESN'T SHE KNOW?
'CAUSE I LIED TO HER.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE THE SORT OF BOY
I SHOULD BE SEEN WITH?
- BUT OF COURSE.
- IT WOULD BE JUST AWFUL
IF I FOUND MYSELF GETTING
IN WITH THE WRONG CROWD.
- DISASTROUS.
- THEN ARE YOU
SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE?
- UTTERLY.
- AND FROM A FINE OLD FAMILY?
- WE WERE AT THE DOCK
WHEN THOSE GREENHORNS
GOT OFF THE MAYFLOWER.
- I MUST SAY IT'S ODD
MOTHER COULDN'T FIND
YOUR FAMILY IN THE BOOK.
- OF COURSE WE'RE IN
THE BOOK. KLAMATH 5-1486.
- NO, I MEAN, THE BOOK,
THE SOCIAL REGISTER.
- OH, THAT BOOK.
- YOU'RE NOT LISTED.
- OH, WE'RE LISTED ALL RIGHT
BUT WE'RE SO SOCIAL
IT'S AN UNLISTED LISTING.
- [SIGHS] IT DID WORRY ME.
YOU SEEM A PLEASANT ENOUGH BOY.
- OH, DELIGHTFUL.
- BUT ONE NEVER KNOWS.
SUPPOSING YOU TURNED OUT TO BE
SOME SHODDY, SEEDY,
TACKY, NON-ENTITY.
- YOU RANG?
- HEAVENS. WHAT'S THAT?
- ARE YOU KIDDING, GIRL?
I'M DOBE'S OLDEST AND CLOSEST
AND DEAREST GOOD
BUDDY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- SURELY YOU JEST.
DOBIE CAN THIS BE TRUE?
- HE'S AN ECCENTRIC,
RICH MILLIONAIRE.
- DOBE, CAN YOU
LEND ME 15 CENTS?
- SEE, HE NEVER CARRIES A
CENT, JUST LIKE ROCKEFELLER.
- I'M GONNA TAKE THE BUS IF
YOUR DAD DOESN'T SHOW UP SOON
WITH THE TRUCK.
- YOUR FATHER DRIVES A TRUCK?
- IT'S THE GARDENER'S.
OUR ROLLS BROKE DOWN.
- DOBIE, EXACTLY WHAT
DOES YOUR FATHER DO?
- HERBERT T. GILLIS?
OH, HE HAS A GROC...
- GROSS CONTEMPT FOR
PEOPLE WHO TOIL FOR A LIVING.
- NATURALLY, BUT
WHAT DOES HE DO?
- LIKE I SAID HE HAS A GRO...
- GROWING NUMBER OF
LARGE CORPORATIONS
OF EVERY DESCRIPTION.
- WELL, DESCRIBE ONE.
- HMM...
- WHEN YOU WALK INTO YOUR
FATHER'S PLACE OF BUSINESS,
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- WELL, MOSTLY THERE'S, LIKE,
ROWS AND ROWS OF CAN...
- CAN... CANNY SPECULATORS
WAITING FOR DAD TO
GIVE THEM THE SIGNAL.
- COME ON, DOBE, LET'S GO!
- OOH, THERE'S MY RIDE.
- MAYNARD, WATCH
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
LOOK OUT FOR THOSE TOMATOES.
- TOMAYTOES?
- TOMAHTOES.
DAD GROWS THEM AS A
HOBBY IN THE HOTHOUSE
BEHIND THE TWO SWIMMING POOLS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- IS THAT A GOLDEN GIRL
OR IS THAT A GOLDEN GIRL?
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT IT TAKES
TO TAKE OUT A GOLDEN GIRL?
GOLD.
LOTS AND LOTS OF GOLD.
AND TO FIND ALL THAT GOLD
WHERE DOES ONE LOOK?
WELL, FORTUNATELY,
THERE'S ALWAYS
THAT LITTLE POT AT THE
END OF THE RAINBOW.
- DOBIE?
- IT'S OKAY, DAD, I
WAS JUST BROWSING.
- YEAH, BROWSING FOR WHAT?
- 20 DOLLARS.
- 20 DOLLARS!
- DAD, IT'S A MATTER
OF LIFE OR DEATH.
- YEAH, YOURS, YOU TRY
GETTING AWAY WITH 20 BUCKS.
- DAD, I'LL PUT IN AN I.O.U.
- I ALREADY GOT
I.O.U.s FROM YOU,
ENOUGH TO LAST ME TILL 1994.
- DAD, I HONESTLY,
ABSOLUTELY, NEED THAT 20
FOR THE SPRING PROM.
- A COLLEGE DANCE FOR 20 BUCKS?
WHERE THEY HOLDING
IT, AT FORT KNOX?
- DAD, IT'S NOT
JUST THE TICKETS.
THERE'S THE CORSAGE AND THE
TAXI AND THE MIDNIGHT SUPPER.
SAMANTHA EXPECTS THOSE THINGS.
- AND WHO IS SAMANTHA?
- THE GIRL I'M TAKING. YOU
SAW HER ON CAMPUS TODAY.
- OH, YEAH, THE ONE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A HORSE.
- LIKE A THOROUGHBRED,
DAD, AND SHE IS.
SAMANTHA IS A RICH,
BEAUTIFUL, HEIRESS.
- MM-HMM. HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?
HERE I AM JUST AN ORDINARY JOE
TRYING TO HACK IT OUT IN
THE CORNER GROCERY STORE
YET MY SON TAKES
HEIRESSES TO PROMS,
TO AND FRO IN TAXIS,
BUYS THEM CORSAGES,
MIDNIGHT SUPPER.
- YEAH, THAT'S AMERICA, DAD.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, BOY,
AND I'M NOT GONNA
STAND IN YOUR WAY.
I AM GOING TO HELP YOU OUT.
- OH, YOU'RE A PEACH.
- WITH A LITTLE
VERY GOOD ADVICE,
IF YOU NEED 20 BUCKS,
GO OUT AND EARN IT.
- NOT GO TO THE PROM?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
- BUT IT'S JUST ANOTHER
DANCE, MY SWEET.
SURELY YOU'VE BEEN
TO DOZENS OF THEM.
- HUNDREDS, I ADORE DANCING.
- YEAH, THE SAME OLD MUSIC.
- I LOVE OLD SONGS.
- THE SAME OLD FAMILIAR FACES.
- NOT TO ME. I JUST
ENROLLED HERE.
- AND THEN AFTER THE DANCE
INEVITABLY WE'LL FIND OURSELVES
HAVING A BITE AT SOME
DREARY LITTLE PLACE.
- NOT US. WE'LL GO
TO THE GOLDEN BEAR.
- THE GOLDEN BEAR?
- I HEAR THEIR CAVIAR
IS JUST HEAVEN.
- CAVIAR?
- BLACK CAVIAR WITH BLINI,
IT'S A RUSSIAN DISH.
- DO YOU THINK
AT A TIME LIKE THIS
WE SHOULD BE EATING
RUSSIAN DISHES?
- DANCING ALWAYS GIVES
ME SUCH AN APPETITE.
- GOODBYE, SAMANTHA.
- DOBIE, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING.
IT'S SO EARLY.
- I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED,
I'VE GOT TO GET TO WORK.
- LET'S FACE IT,
THERE'S JUST NO WAY
I CAN MAKE $20 IN ONE DAY.
I MEAN, WITHOUT MAYBE STEALING
A PICASSO FROM SOME MUSEUM.
NO ONE PERSON CAN
MAKE THAT MUCH HONESTLY,
BUT TWO PERSONS COULD MAYBE,
ESPECIALLY IF THE SECOND PERSON
WAS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND
OF THE FIRST PERSON
THAT HE'D MAKE HIM
A PERSONAL LOAN.
- I WON'T DO IT.
- MAYNARD.
- I MEAN, I'D LEND YOU
THE MONEY GLADLY
WITHOUT INTEREST OR CHOLESTEROL.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S COLLATERAL.
- BUT WORK TO EARN IT FIRST?
- MAYNARD, IT'S JUST
ONE DAY'S WORK.
- WORK?! OH, DOBE, THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE HABIT-FORMING.
- NOT THIS JOB. READ THE SIGN.
- OOH, THOSE SORORITY HOUSES
ARE, LIKE, CRAWLING WITH GIRLS.
- YOU WON'T HELP?
- NOPE.
- MAYNARD, I'M SHOCKED.
WHO'S BEEN YOUR BEST FRIEND
EVER SINCE WE WERE
LITTLE TINY BABIES?
- YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- WHO TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO TIE YOUR SHOES?
- YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- AND WHO TAUGHT YOU
HOW TO DIAL A TELEPHONE?
- YOU, GOOD BUDDY.
- AND WHO TAUGHT...
- THAT'S ABOUT ALL I
KNOW HOW TO DO, DOBE.
- WELL, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE KNOWN THAT MUCH
IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR ME.
AND NOW I ASK YOU
FOR ONE LITTLE FAVOR
AND WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- SO LONG, EX-GOOD BUDDY.
- HERE WE ARE, MRS.
OSBORNE, READY FOR WORK.
- WORK?!
- MAYNARD.
- YOU ADVERTISED FOR TWO
EFFICIENT YOUNG STUDENTS
AND THEY SENT YOU
THESE PEASANTS?
- I'M AFRAID SO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- OH, SHOCKING.
ALL RIGHT, GILLIS AND DREGS.
- THAT'S KREBS, YOUR DRAGONSHIP.
- SILENCE.
AS NATIONAL CHAIRWOMAN
OF THE ALUMNAE OF ETA THETA,
I AM HERE TODAY TO SEE
THAT THIS OPEN HOUSE
IS A BRILLIANT SUCCESS.
WELL, NATURALLY MY
PRESENCE HERE ASSURES THAT.
- OH, IT DOES, MRS. OSBORNE.
- BUT EVERYTHING
ELSE MUST BE TICKY-BOO.
NOW, AT THE PROPER TIME YOU
WILL SERVE A BUFFET SUPPER.
IN THE MEANTIME, YOU ARE TO
CIRCULATE THE REFRESHMENTS
IN A DECOROUS MANNER.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- OH, MRS. OSBORNE,
WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME?
I THINK I HEAR THE
GUESTS ARRIVING.
- LADY FINGERS.
- OH, KEEP YOURSELVES
UNOBTRUSIVELY IN THE BACKGROUND,
YOU NASTY BOYS.
WE HAVE INVITED THE MOST
PROMINENT COEDS ON THE CAMPUS,
HOPING TO INDUCE THEM
TO JOIN OUR SORORITY,
AND THAT IS WHY IT IS
PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT
THAT YOU PERFORM YOUR
DUTIES DISCREETLY, QUIETLY
AND UNOBTRUSIVELY.
NOW, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- YES, MA'AM.
- I DON'T.
- WELL, UNDERSTAND THIS:
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU
TO VENTURE TO THE SECOND FLOOR
WHERE THE GIRLS HAVE
THEIR SLEEPING QUARTERS
BECAUSE IF YOU DO,
YOU WILL BE EXPELLED
FROM THE COLLEGE.
- WHY WOULD WE
WANNA GO UPSTAIRS?
THERE'S NOTHING
BUT GIRLS UP THERE.
- REFRESHMENTS, MADEMOISELLE?
- THANK YOU.
- MAY I RECOMMEND
THE PETIT FOURS?
- MERCI.
- MAYNARD, EASY DOES IT.
JUST BE CALM AND
COOL AND COLLECTED.
- OH, HI, SAMANTHA.
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU
WERE ABLE TO COME!
- JUST CALM AND C...
SAMANTHA!
- WHAT A CHARMING ROOM.
- COME IN AND GET ACQUAINTED.
- OH, DARN, NOW WHERE ARE THOSE
WAITERS WITH THOSE REFRESHMENTS?
- IT'S SAMANTHA ALL RIGHT.
IF SHE SEES ME WORKING
HERE AS A BUTLER I'M DOOMED.
- HOW COME? YOU BUTLE REAL GOOD.
- SAMANTHA DESPISES
PEOPLE WHO WORK.
SHE THINKS I'M A RICH PLAYBOY.
- OKAY, I'LL SERVE
THE PRETTY THREES.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S PETIT FOURS
AND SHE THINKS YOU'RE
AN ECCENTRIC MILLIONAIRE.
- SO I BUTLE FOR KICKS.
- YOU'RE NOT THAT ECCENTRIC.
- AVANT, YOU LACKEYS,
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.
- MRS. OSBORNE. WE
HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
- NOW?
- IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
COULD WE PLEASE HAVE OUR MONEY?
- BEFORE YOU HAVE COMPLETED
YOUR MISERABLE CHORES?
- WE'LL COME BACK ANOTHER
TIME AND WORK LIKE DOGS FOR YOU.
WE'LL SCRUB FLOORS.
- YOU WERE HIRED TO
SERVE REFRESHMENTS
AND LATER ON A BUFFET SUPPER
AND UNLESS YOU PREFORM THE
DUTIES FOR WHICH YOU WERE HIRED
NOT ONLY WILL YOU NOT BE PAID
BUT I WILL REPORT
YOU TO THE DEAN,
AND IF YOUR MARKS ARE
WHAT I THINK THEY ARE...
- MINE ARE, DOBE'S TOO.
- THEN YOU DO NOT WISH TO
BE REPORTED TO THE DEAN.
- NOT ME. DOBE NEITHER.
- THEN GET BUSY AND SERVE.
- ETA THETA IS MY FIRST CHOICE,
THAT IS IF I'M ASKED TO JOIN.
- OH, I WOULDN'T
WORRY ABOUT THAT.
- I HEAR YOU HAVE A MARVY CROWD.
- ALL THE BIG WHEELS ON CAMPUS.
- SAMANTHA, WOULDN'T YOU
CARE FOR A BITE OF SOMETHING?
- I'D ADORE SOME HORS D'OEUVRES.
- WAITER? WAITER?
HOR D'OEUVRES, PLEASE.
- SORRY, NOT MY TABLE.
- SERVE!
- WOULD YOU PLEASE
LOWER THAT TRAY?
- THANK YOU.
- DON'T LEAVE!
- YOU KNOW, WE
THINK OF ETA THETA
AS THE FAMILY SORORITY.
- REALLY?
A CUP OF TEA, SAMANTHA?
- LOVE IT.
- SOME TEA, PLEASE.
- YOU SEE, GRANDMUMS
FOUNDED THE RADCLIFFE CHAPTER.
- DID SHE?
- SO, OF COURSE, MATER
WAS AN ETA THETA...
AND LATER MY SISTER GRETA.
- WHAT SCHOOL?
- DECATUR.
- CREAM OR LEMON?
- CREAM, PLEASE.
SUGAR.
TWO LUMPS, PLEASE.
- OH, MAN, I'M BUSHED. ALL
THIS SPOOKING AROUND.
- MAYNARD, IT'S JUST
ONE DAY'S WORK.
- WORK?! OH, DOBE,
I DON'T MIND IT.
I MEAN, I DO MIND IT,
BUT IT AIN'T WORTH IT
FOR SOME SNOOTY CHICK,
ESPECIALLY WHEN HER
NAME IS SALAMANDER.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S SAMANTHA.
- NO OFFENSE, GOOD BUDDY,
BUT CAN'T YOU, LIKE, LOSE HER?
- LOSE THAT GOLDEN GIRL,
THAT THOROUGHBRED?
- SO YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER
CHICK WHO LOOKS LIKE A HORSE.
- YES, WE'D LOVE TO SHOW
YOU THE KITCHEN, SAMANTHA.
- OH, MAN, YOU'RE DEAD.
- NOT YET. HEY, UPSTAIRS.
- OH, DOBE, WE CAN
GET SUSPENDED.
- NOT IF THEY DON'T CATCH US.
- I'LL BE WITH YOU
IN A SECOND, SALLY.
- INSIDE!
- HEY, IT'S JUST A GIRL'S ROOM.
HOW COME THEY DON'T WANT
FELLAS TO COME UP HERE?
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- I'M GOING TO CHANGE MY SHOES.
- OH, DO YOU HAVE TO?
- I HAVE TO.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN
I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- WHO NEEDS A BROKEN LEG?
- HEY, OUT THE BACK DOOR.
YEAH, QUICK, UNDER THE BED.
- I'LL JUST SLIP
INTO SOME FLATS.
THESE TIGHT SHOES ARE MURDER.
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
- MY FLATS ARE UNDER THE BED.
- THAT'S BETTER. NOW
LET'S GO BACK TO THE PARTY.
- NOW I KNOW HOW MICE FEEL.
- YEAH, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- THEY TELL ME
THEY'VE RESERVED IT...
- MAYNARD.
COME ALONG, CHILD. NO
DORMITORIES AT ETA THETA.
THE GIRLS HAVE LOVELY ROOMS.
- DOOMSVILLE.
- YOU'RE VERY KIND.
- NO, INTO THE CLOSET.
- OH, MY GRACIOUS. AFTER
ALL, YOUR MOTHER AND I...
- I READ SOMEPLACE, AT A
PICTURE AUCTION I THINK,
THAT ONE PICTURE'S
WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS,
SO LET ME SHOW YOU A
PICTURE OF THE TIGHT SPOT
MAYNARD AND I WERE IN.
TIGHT? THE DARN THING
WAS SQUEEZING US TO DEATH.
HERE'S THE CLOSET
WHERE WE WERE HIDING
AND HERE'S THE HALLWAY WHERE
SAMANTHA AND MRS. OSBORNE
AND AN ARMY OF
GIRLS WERE MARCHING.
WE WERE IN TERRIBLE DANGER
EVERY MINUTE WE STAYED THERE,
SO THERE WAS ONLY ONE BRAVE,
HEROIC, MANLY THING TO DO.
- WELL, MY FOLKS ALWAYS
WANTED A GIRL. HOW DO I LOOK?
- ALMOST PERFECT, MAYNARD.
THERE'S JUST ONE THING WRONG.
- OH, MY PANTS
SHOWING, I CAN FIX THAT.
- IT'S NOT THE PANTS, MAYNARD.
- OH, THIS DRESS DOESN'T
DO TOO MUCH FOR MY FIGURE.
- IT'S NOT YOUR FIGURE, EITHER.
- OH, NO, DOBE, PLEASE
NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.
- MAYNARD, IT WON'T HURT A BIT.
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE
TINY BEARD, DOBE.
LOOK AT ALL THE
CHICKS THAT GOT BEARDS.
ALL THE ONES IN THE CIRCUS.
- MAYNARD,
I'D SOONER CUT OFF MY RIGHT ARM.
- CUT IT OFF, CUT IT OFF.
- MAYNARD.
[DOOR OPENS]
- OH, HI, GIRLS.
YOU MUST BE A COUPLE
OF PROSPECTIVE MEMBERS.
I'M SALLY SORREE, THE
CHAPTER PRESIDENT.
AND THIS IS MARTHA VAN TREES.
AND WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
- I'M MAY.
- AND I'M DOE.
- MAY AND DOE, I'LL REMEMBER.
- MARTHA, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
THIS DRESS IS TOO DRESSY
FOR THE OCCASION, ISN'T IT?
- I'M AFRAID SO.
- THEN I'LL CHANGE IT.
- I WAS THINKING THAT
MINE'S TOO DRESSY, TOO.
- OH, NO, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
DON'T CHANGE A THING.
- THAT'S VERY FLATTERING
BUT IT REALLY ISN'T RIGHT
FOR AN AFTERNOON PARTY.
- MARTHA, WOULD YOU BRING
THE BROWN DRESS, PLEASE?
- OH, THAT'S TOO PLAIN.
BRING THE BLUE ONE.
- IT WAS SO WARM DOWN
IN THE LIVING ROOM,
I WONDER IF I'D HAVE
TIME TO TAKE A SHOWER?
- OH, NO!
- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU GIRLS?
- OH, WATER'S SO WET.
- THE SHOWER'S SPOOKY.
[GIGGLES]
- WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU GIRLS?
- [BOTH SIMPERING]
- WELL, I THINK A SHOWER
SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL IDEA.
- OH, NO. NO, NO,
NO. SHOWERS ARE...
- I'M AFRAID WE'RE NOT
GOING TO HAVE THE TIME.
- NO TIME. NO.
- MAY, WOULD YOU
BE A LAMB AND ZIP ME.
- ZIP, SURE.
- WOULD YOU GIRLS CARE
TO CHANGE ANYTHING?
- OH, YES. OH, NO!
- WOULD YOU CARE TO FRESHEN UP?
- [SIMPERS]
- SHE DOESN'T NEED TO WITH
HER LOVELY COMPLEXION.
- OH, MAY, IT'S PASSION'S
LOVE. TRY SOME.
- OOH. OOH-OOH.
- SALLY, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
OH, WHO ARE THESE YOUNG LADIES?
- THIS IS MAY.
THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN BECOMING ONE OF US.
- CHARMING.
NOT EXACTLY THE CLASSIC
MOLD... BUT CHARMING.
SALLY, WE HAVE A
DESPERATE SITUATION.
GINGER ALE IS RUNNING LOW
AND PISTACHIO NUTS ARE ALL GONE.
- OH, DEAR. WELL,
WHAT CAN WE DO?
THERE ISN'T A GROCER IN TOWN
WHO'LL DELIVER AT THIS HOUR.
- WAIT A MINUTE, I JUST
THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.
THERE IS ONE GROCER,
HERBERT T. GILLIS.
HE'D DO ANYTHING FOR A BUCK.
- THAT'S HIM ALL RIGHT.
- BUT, MRS. OSBORNE,
YOU DON'T MEAN
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE MR. GILLIS
COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW?
- AT ONCE.
- OH, I WOULDN'T DO THAT.
- PRAY, WHY NOT?
- OH, HE CHARGES TOO MUCH.
HIS PRICES ARE WAY OUT OF LINE.
- ALSO HE'S MEAN AND
ROTTEN AND HE YELLS A LOT.
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- TRUE, TRUE, BUT IN
DESPERATE SITUATIONS
WE TAKE DESPERATE
MEASURES. I'LL GO CALL GILLIS.
- DOOMED.
- WE'RE DOOMED.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
GIRLS? TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT?
- YES.
- YES, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
SAY, I HAVE AN IDEA,
LET'S GO DOWNSTAIRS
AND JOIN IN THE SING.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD
SING TO SOOTHE THE SOUL.
COME ON, GIRLS.
- WELL, THANK YOU. I WISH
BOYS WOULD LEARN TO DO THAT.
♪ DAUGHTERS TRUE OF ETA THETA ♪
♪ PLEDGE OUR HEARTS TO THEE ♪
♪ MAY THY FAME
GROW EVER GREATER ♪
♪ FAIR SORORITY ♪
- ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, LET'S
TRY THIS HYMN ONCE MORE,
AND THIS TIME EVERYBODY SING.
A-1, A-2, A-3...
♪ DAUGHTERS TRUE OF ETA THETA ♪
♪ PLEDGE OUR HEARTS TO THEE ♪
♪ MAY THY FAME
GROW EVER GREATER ♪
♪ FAIR SORORITY ♪
[BASS VOICE] ♪ FAIR SORORITY ♪
- YIKES, WHERE DID
YOU GET THAT NOTE?
[FALSETTO]
- FROM MY FATHER.
- WELL, GIRLS, WE'LL HAVE
A BUFFET SUPPER SHORTLY
AND IN THE MEANTIME JUST
RELAX AND ENJOY YOURSELVES.
- SUPPER, MAYNARD. BACK TO WORK.
- OH. WORK?!
- WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN, YOU NASTY BOYS?
- LIKE, HERE AND LIKE, THERE.
- SET OUT THIS FOOD IN THE
LIVING ROOM IMMEDIATELY.
[SILVERWARE CLATTERS]
- HEY, DOBE, SAMANTHA'S
HEADING THIS WAY.
- ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL.
BACK IN THE KITCHEN.
- AGAIN WE WERE IN THE SOUP,
BUT THIS TIME THE BATTLE
CONDITIONS HAD CHANGED.
MRS. OSBORNE KNEW
THAT TWO MALE WAITERS
WERE SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE
AND IF SHE CAUGHT US
UPSTAIRS, WE'D BE THE SOUP.
WHAT DID WE DO?
DID WE GET DRESSED
UP AS GIRLS AGAIN?
THAT'D BE THE COWARDLY WAY OUT
AND WE TOOK IT.
- DELIVERY FROM KANE'S BAKE
SHOP. WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?
- OH, ON THE TABLE.
- HEY, YOU'RE CUTE.
- I MEAN, YOU, HONEY.
- A LITTLE SKINNY MAYBE,
BUT I COULD GO FOR YOU.
- YOU GOT A STEADY BOYFRIEND?
- NOPE.
- WELL, HOW ABOUT
A DATE TONIGHT, HUH?
OH, THE BASHFUL TYPE, HUH?
BUT I BET WHEN YOU
GET TO KNOW A FELLA,
YOU'RE A BARREL OF FUN.
YOU LIKE DANCING, BABE-A-REENO?
DREAMY WALTZES?
ROCK 'N' ROLL?
CHA-CHA?
- NO!
- HEY, BABY.
- MAY, MAY!
1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA,
1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.
1, 2, CHA-CHA-CHA.
- STOP IT. STOP THIS DEBAUCHERY.
- CHA-CHA-CHA. 1, 2... HEY!
- YOU LOUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!
- SEE YOU TONIGHT, KID, WEAR
SOMETHING LOW-CUT AND SLINKY.
- THE IDEA!
AN ETA THETA RUSHEE
CONSORTING WITH
THE LOWER ORDERS.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAITERS?
- NO.
- I MEAN, TWO ODIOUS
BOYS IN WAITER'S UNIFORMS.
WELL, WHERE ARE THEY?
WHY AREN'T THEY
SERVING OUT THERE?
- COME ON, MAYNARD.
- AIN'T WE DUE FOR A
COFFEE BREAK YET?
- SERVE!
- HEY, DOBE?
- WHAT?
- SAMANTHA JUST GOT IN LINE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?
- LOOKING FOR A SERVING SPOON.
- HERE YOU GO.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, I'LL HELP YOU
LOOK, TOO, DOBE.
- OKAY, SO WE WERE
TRAPPED AGAIN,
BUT THIS TIME I WASN'T GONNA
MAKE A DARN FOOL OF MYSELF
BY GETTING DISGUISED AS A GIRL.
NO, SIR.
NOW, IF WE WENT THIS
WAY WITH MRS. OSBORNE
AND THE GIRLS COMING THROUGH...
HMM, THAT WON'T WORK.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT IF WE
CLIMB DOWN HERE AND...
NO, NO. NO, THAT'D TAKE
US RIGHT PAST THE WINDOWS.
AHA! I HAVE IT. OF COURSE.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
- OH, HI, GIRLS.
- DAD!
- SOMEBODY CALLED UP IN A HURRY
AND TOLD ME TO RUSH
RIGHT DOWN WITH THESE...
AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN DAD?
- LIKE, HI, MR.G.
- MAYNARD! DOBE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN
THESE GIRLS' CLOTHES?
- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
IF YOU COME UP WITH A
GOOD ANSWER TELL US.
- WE'RE WORKING HERE.
- WHAT AS? HAT-CHECK GIRLS?
- WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
HARD TO EXPLAIN.
- I'D SAY IMPOSSIBLE.
- YEAH, WELL, NEVER MIND.
WHERE DID YOU GET THESE DRESSES?
- YEAH, UPSTAIRS.
- WELL, MARCH
RIGHT BACK UP THERE
AND PUT THEM BACK
WHERE YOU FOUND THEM.
- MR. G...
- DAD, LOOK.
- MARCH! MARCH! ON THE DOUBLE!
HUP, 2, 3, 4, HUP, 2, 3, 4!
- ALL RIGHT, WHICH ROOM IS IT?
- IN HERE, DAD.
- OKAY, GET IN THERE AND GET
OUT OF THESE THINGS AND FAST!
- DAD, WE CAN'T.
- WE CAN'T, MR. G.
THEY'LL KICK US OUT OF SCHOOL.
- WHAT?
FOR NOT WEARING GIRLS' CLOTHES?
WHAT KIND OF A
KOOKY COLLEGE IS THIS?
- CARRY ON, GIRLS,
SEARCH EVERY ROOM.
I'M SURE I SAW A MAN
GO UP THE BACK STAIRS.
- AH, DOBE, LET'S
JUST GIVE UP, HUH?
- NO, COME ON, DAD.
INTO THE CLOSET.
- INTO THE CLOSET?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
COTTON-PICKIN' MIND?
- DAD, YOU WANT A COLLEGE
MAN IN THE FAMILY, DON'T YOU?
- A COLLEGE MAN, YEAH,
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
- CARRY ON, GIRLS!
CARRY ON, SEARCH!
- OH, GIRLS, HAVE YOU
SEEN A MAN UP HERE?
- OH!
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- I'M MRS. CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, SR.,
YOUR HOSTESS,
YOU'RE ONE OF THE
GIRL'S MOTHERS I PRESUME?
OH, YES, OF COURSE, I
SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.
WOULDN'T YOU CARE
TO COME DOWNSTAIRS
AND HAVE A BIT OF
SUPPER WITH US?
- OH, CHARMED.
- LEGS!
- YOUR SLIP IS SHOWING.
- SO THE GOLDEN
GIRL, SAMANTHA DIGBY'S
LOST TO ME FOREVER AND EVER
AND MY DAD'S BEEN BARRED FROM
THE CAMPUS FOREVER AND EVER
AND THE DEAN'S PUT ME ON
PROBATION FOREVER AND EVER
BUT THE WORST THING OF ALL
DIDN'T HAPPEN TO DAD OR TO ME.
IT HAPPENED TO MAYNARD.
- GO!
GO! YOU WRETCHED,
LOW-BORN CREATURES
AND NEVER LET ME CLAP THESE
ARISTOCRATIC EYES ON YOU AGAIN.
- BABE-A-REENO, I'M HERE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO ME,
I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY DOES.
I FOUND MY LOVE AT LAST AND
NOBODY CAN TAKE HER FROM ME.
COME, MY TIGER,
THOUGH THE WHOLE
WORLD MAY BE AGAINST US
WE WILL DANCE, DANCE, D...
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- OH!