The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 29 - When Other Friendships Have Been Forgot - full transcript

- AH, CAPRICE, MY
GREAT TAWNY BEAST,

HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU
THAT YOUR EYES ARE A DREAM,

YOUR LIPS A POEM,
YOUR FACE A RHAPSODY?

- YES.
- WHO?

- YOU, DOBIE, FOUR
TIMES IN THE LAST HOUR.

- OH, WELL, I KNEW I
HEARD IT SOMEPLACE.

BUT IT'S TRUE, MY BELOVED,

THOUGH MERE WORDS
CAN NEVER CAPTURE

THE MAGIC OF YOUR BEAUTY.

- OH, DOBIE, DARLING,
HOW CHARMING YOU ARE,

HOW GALLANT.
- HOW TRUE.



- NO WONDER I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

THAT I CAN OVERLOOK
YOUR ONE LITTLE FAULT.

- HOW TRUE. A LOVE
LIKE OURS IS A SUN...

ONE LITTLE FAULT?
- PLEASE, MY SWEET,

LET'S JUST FORGET
THAT I BROUGHT IT UP.

- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
HOW CAN WE GO

STROLLING DOWN LIFE'S
HIGHWAY TOGETHER

WITH THAT ONE
LITTLE CRUMMY FAULT

SITTING THERE READY
TO BOOBYTRAP US?

NOW, COME ON, TELL ME.

- DEAREST, IF I DO,
YOU'LL GET MAD.

- ANGEL, I NEVER GET
MAD, SO TELL ME ALREADY.

- ALL RIGHT. YOU ASKED FOR IT.

DOBIE, MY LOVE, YOU ARE CRUEL.



- CRUEL? ME? LOVABLE ME?

- ALSO HEARTLESS.

- ME? LOVABLE ME?

- ALSO COLDBLOODED AND INHUMAN.

- ME? LOVABLE ME?
- I'M AFRAID SO, DOBIE.

OH, YOU'RE NOT THAT
WAY WITH EVERYONE.

IT ONLY SHOWS UP WHEN YOU'RE
DEALING WITH ONE OF NATURE'S

MOST WRETCHED, MISERABLE,
MISTREATED CREATURES.

- YOU RANG?

- THERE, THERE, YOU POOR
MISERABLE, MISTREATED CREATURE.

- MAYNARD?

IT'S MAYNARD I'M TREATING
SO CRUEL AND HEARTLESS?

- YES.

[JAZZ THEME]

- YOU ARE LOOKING AT
THE MOST DECENT FELLA

IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF S.
PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.

THAT'S A FACT.

I MEAN, IF THEY HANDED
OUT A DECENCY AWARD,

I'D WIN IT BY 8 OR 10 LENGTHS.

A MODESTY AWARD, MAYBE NOT.

BUT DECENCY? A PIECE OF CAKE.

THAT'S WHY CAPRICE
HAS NO RIGHT TO CALL ME

A CRUEL, HEARTLESS, LOWDOWN BUM.

- SHE SURE HAS, YOU CRUEL,
HEARTLESS, LOWDOWN BUM.

- MAYNARD!
- QUIET, RAT.

- MAYNARD, WHAT'S GOT INTO YOU?

- I WAS BRUNG UP NEVER
TO DISAGREE WITH A LADY,

AND IF THIS CHICK SAYS
YOU'RE A LOWDOWN BUM,

THEN I GOTTA GO ALONG WITH HER.

NO OFFENSE, GOOD
BUDDY, YOU LOWDOWN BUM.

- OH, NO, MAYNARD. I DIDN'T
SAY THAT ABOUT DOBIE.

WHAT I SAID WAS THAT HE'S
TREATING YOU OUTRAGEOUSLY,

AND HE PROBABLY
DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE IT.

- YOU BET I DON'T REALIZE IT.

CAPRICE, WHAT ARE DRIVING AT?

I'M THE BEST AND MOST HELPFUL
FRIEND MAYNARD EVER HAD.

- THAT'S TRUE, GIRL. I'M A FELLA

THAT NEEDS ALL THE HELP
HE CAN GET. JUST LOOK AT ME.

- IT'S LIKE AN ANIMAL THAT'S
BEEN RAISED IN THE ZOO

OR A CIRCUS OR LIKE THAT.

THEY BECOME SO
HELPLESS AND DEPENDENT

THAT THEY'RE DOOMED

IF THEY'RE EVER TURNED
LOOSE IN THE JUNGLE.

- YEAH. I THINK I
SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

- ME TOO.
- YOU DO?

- NO.
- MAYNARD,

WHAT I MEAN IS THAT SOMEDAY

I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE YOU.

- YOU GOING ON A TRIP
OR SOMETHING, DOBE?

- WHAT IF I DID?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I'LL GO ALONG WITH YOU.

- WELL, WHAT IF
SOMEDAY I GET MARRIED?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I'LL MOVE IN WITH YOU.

- WHAT IF MY WIFE
DOESN'T APPROVE?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WE'LL GET RID OF HER.

- GET RID OF HER?
- YOU BET.

YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALL ALONE
TO GO GURGLING DOWN THE DRAIN,

WOULD YOU, GOOD BUDDY? [SLURPS]

- HMM.

CAPRICE, WOULD YOU STEP
OVER HERE FOR A MINUTE?

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.
EXCUSE US, MAYNARD.

- SURE, DOBE.

- CAPRICE, YOU'RE
RIGHT. I WAS A FOOL

FOR NOT SEEING HOW
I'M RUINING MAYNARD.

NOW, THERE'S ONLY ONE...

MAYNARD, WE THOUGHT
WE WERE ALONE.

- KEEP RIGHT ON TALKING,
DOBE, YOU AIN'T BOTHERING ME.

- YEAH, MAYNARD, WHY
DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE

BY THE SCIENCE BUILDING

AND WATCH FOR THE RHINOCEROS?

I HEAR THERE'S ONE RUNNING
LOOSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

- OH, NO. YOU DON'T
FOOL ME THAT WAY.

I KNOW THERE AIN'T NO
RHINOCEROSES OVER THERE.

THAT'S JUST A TRICK TO
GET RID OF ME, AIN'T IT?

- YES, MAYNARD, IT IS.

MAYNARD, WHERE YOU GOING?

- TO LOOK FOR THE
RHINOCEROSESES.

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
I LIKE TO GET FOOLED.

- MAYNARD'S A WHOPPER
OF A PROBLEM, ALL RIGHT,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING
I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

- OF COURSE THERE
IS. HE'S STILL YOUNG.

HE STILL MAY BE ABLE
TO LEARN A FEW THINGS.

IT'S A DIM PROSPECT, I'LL ADMIT,

BUT IF WE WAIT ANY LONGER HE'LL
BE MUCH TOO FAR GONE TO SAVE.

- GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
- LIKE, HELP, DOBE.

LIKE, HELP, GOOD BUDDY.

I WAS TRYING TO TIE MY SHOELACES
ALL BY MYSELF, GOOD BUDDY,

BUT I THINK YOU BETTER
GIVE ME SOME HELP, HUH?

- NOW DO YOU SEE HOW
HELPLESS YOU'VE MADE HIM?

NOW DO YOU SEE WHY YOU HAVE
TO SHOVE HIM OUT OF THE NEST

SO HE'LL LEARN TO
FLY FOR HIMSELF?

- YEAH. AND NOW.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A
BABY BIRD IN ITS NEST.

THIS IS MAYNARD G. KREBS.

NOW, WHAT DO THESE TWO
ELEMENTS HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY'VE BOTH GOT TO BE
PUSHED OUT OF THE NEST

SO THEY'LL LEARN HOW
TO FLY BY THEMSELVES.

I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THE BIRD,

BUT I KNOW IT'LL BE
TOUGH FOR MAYNARD.

HE STILL HAS TROUBLE WALKING.

IT WAS THE MOST PAINFUL
DECISION I EVER MADE

IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT IT HAD TO BE DONE.

I HAD TO GET MAYNARD
OUT OF MY LIFE,

TOTALLY AND ENTIRELY,
FOR HIS OWN GOOD.

- AND IT AIN'T GONNA DO THE
REST OF US NO HARM EITHER.

- NOW, HERBERT, THAT ISN'T NICE.

MAYNARD IS A SWEET BOY AND
I ENJOY HAVING HIM AROUND.

- YOU DON'T MEAN THAT,

DO YOU, WINNIE?
- NO.

- OH, THAT'S MY
GIRL. THAT'S MY GIRL.

- ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD AND KID,

BUT IF MAYNARD
STOPPED COMING AROUND,

YOU'D MISS HIM SOMETHING AWFUL.

- TRY ME, BOY. TRY ME.
- PLEASE, DAD.

WHATEVER'S WRONG
WITH MAYNARD IS MY FAULT.

I BABIED HIM AND PAMPERED HIM

AND REALLY HELPED
TO MESS HIM UP.

- AND YOU DID A GOOD JOB,
BOY, BECAUSE HE IS A MESS.

- DAD, PLEASE.

- DOBIE DEAR, HOW
CAN WE HELP YOU?

- I'VE GOT TO FIGURE
OUT THE RIGHT WAY

TO GET MAYNARD OUT OF OUR LIVES.

- HOW ABOUT A SIGN
ON THE DOOR, SAYS,

"QUARANTINE, BUBONIC PLAGUE"?

- HERBERT, THAT IS A
CRUEL, DISGRACEFUL IDEA.

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD WORK?

- MOM!

- JUST A PASSING THOUGHT, DEAR.

- WHAT'S ALL THIS HOGWASH
ABOUT A RIGHT WAY?

THERE'S ONLY ONE RIGHT WAY:

TELL HIM TO HIS FACE

THAT IT'LL BE BETTER OFF
FOR EVERYBODY CONCERNED

IF HE DON'T HANG
AROUND HERE NO MORE.

THAT WAY THERE'LL
BE NO CONFUSION.

- LIKE, HI, MRS. G.
- HELLO, DEAR.

- LIKE, HI, DOBE G.
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.

- LIKE, HI, MR. G.
- HELLO, MAYNARD!

AM I HAPPY TO SEE YOU

BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT TO SAY TO YOU.

- TO ME, MR. G?
- JUST TO YOU.

- OOH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY.

AN IMPORTANT MAN LIKE YOU

WITH HEADS FULL
OF BIG, SMART IDEAS

IS GONNA TALK TO ME? LIKE, WOW.
- RIGHT. NOW...

- WOW! THIS IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO ME. I MEAN,

I LOOK TO YOU AS A... LIKE A...

LIKE MY FATHER

OR A CERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT

OR THE PRESIDENT,

AND YOU GOT WORDS FOR ME?
- MAYNARD...

- OH, PLEASE, SIR. DON'T
TALK TOO FAST, SIR,

BECAUSE I WANT TO HEAR
EVERY WORD LIKE REAL CLEAR.

- SURE. SURE.

- I MEAN, WHEN A
PROMISING CITIZEN LIKE YOU,

I MEAN, THAT'S A LITTLE
SQUARE, HAS SOMETHING TO SAY,

IT'S GOT TO BE IMPORTANT. I
MEAN, YOU GOT TO LISTEN TO IT.

- MAYNARD?
- YES, SIR.

YES, SIR, YOUR
RETAILSHIP, YES, SIR?

- TAKE THESE GROCERIES OVER
TO MRS. TARANTINO'S RIGHT NOW

AND I'LL GIVE YOU A QUARTER.

- A QUARTER? OH,
FOR JOY, FOR JOY.

THAT'S ALMOST 15 CENTS.

- OUR BIG, BRAVE HERO.

- NOW, WINNIE, THE
CIRCUMSTANCES JUST...

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU
DO SOMETHING LIKE...

THE TRUTH OF THE
MATTER IS, I CHICKENED OUT.

OH, WINNIE, WHEN THAT POOR
SHNOOK LOOKED UP AT ME

WITH THOSE SICK, SOUPY,
SPANIEL EYES OF HIS,

I JUST COULDN'T
GO THROUGH WITH IT.

ALL RIGHT. CALL ME A BUM.

- NO, DEAR. IT'S ALL
RIGHT. I FORGIVE YOU,

BECAUSE UNDERNEATH
THAT GRUFF EXTERIOR

THERE BEATS THE HEART
OF A FINE HUMAN BEING.

- UNDERNEATH THIS
GRUFF EXTERIOR,

THERE BEATS THE
HEART OF A JELLYFISH,

AND WE ARE STILL
STUCK WITH MAYNARD.

- ALL RIGHT. CALL ME WEAK.

- YOU'RE WEAK.

- CALL ME WISHY-WASHY.

- YOU'RE WISHY-WASHY.

- CALL ME... WELL, CALL
ME ANY NAME YOU WANT

THAT DESCRIBES A FELLA WHO
KNOWS WHAT OUGHT TO BE DONE

TO SAVE HIS FRIEND
FROM A DISMAL FUTURE,

BUT WHO HASN'T GOT THE
GUMPTION TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

- ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE A...

BEATS ME WHAT YOU ARE.

- HOW CAN MAYNARD
EVER FORGIVE ME?

I WANT TO HELP HIM, BUT HOW?

NOBODY'S GOT THE NERVE
TO TELL HIM GOODBYE,

AND WHAT OTHER WAY IS THERE?

- WE COULD GET PLASTIC
SURGERY, CHANGE OUR NAMES,

AND MOVE TO
ANOTHER PART OF TOWN.

- BULLY FOR YOU, HERBERT.

IT'S A GOOD THING THE
RUSSIANS DON'T HAVE YOUR BRAIN.

- OKAY. OKAY.

BUT AT LEAST I TRIED TO KICK
THE LITTLE BIRD OUT OF THE NEST.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT?

- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M JUST A WOMAN.

- HOW ABOUT YOU, DOBIE?

- ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M JUST A BOY.

HOW ABOUT YOU, DAD?

- ARE YOU KIDDING? I'M JUST...

- Both: CHICKEN?
- RIGHT.

- WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF
MAYNARD DECIDED TO LEAVE US?

- MAYNARD? OH, COME NOW.

- TRUE, BUT IT'S A
BEAUTIFUL DREAM ISN'T IT?

- GORGEOUS.
- I CAN ALMOST SEE IT.

HE WALKS IN HERE AND
HE SAYS, "HEY, GUESS WHAT.

"MY FATHER GOT TRANSFERRED
TO, LIKE, CLEVELAND,

AND WE ALL GOTTA MOVE."

- OH, FAT CHANCE.

- HEY, GUESS WHAT?

MY FATHER GOT TRANSFERRED
TO, LIKE, CLEVELAND,

AND WE ALL GOTTA MOVE.

- NOW, NOW, HERBERT.

- LATER, MAYNARD.
- MUCH LATER.

CLEVELAND?

- TRANSFERRED?

- WHEN? WHEN, WHEN?

- TONIGHT OR OCTOBER.
I FORGET WHICH.

- WHEN? WHEN, WHEN?

- IT MUST BE TONIGHT

BECAUSE MY MOM'S
BEEN PACKING THINGS

IN THE TRUNK ALL DAY LONG,

INCLUDING MY AUNT WALTER.

- DAD. UH, MAYNARD,

YOU'RE NOT JUST MAKING THIS UP?
- I DON'T THINK SO.

I MEAN, MY FATHER GOT THIS CALL

FROM HIS BOSS, SEE,
AND THE BOSS SAID

IF HE TRANSFERRED TO
CLEVELAND REAL QUICK,

THEN HE'D GET A RAISE IN SALARY,

AND MY FATHER SAID,
WITH THE WAY I EAT,

WHICH IS LIKE A
MEDIUM-SIZE HORSE,

WHAT'S THE USE STALLING?

HE GRABBED THE JOB. I
MEAN, EVERY PENNY COUNTS.

- DAD.

MAYNARD, WE'LL MISS YOU.

- WE'LL BE MISERABLE.

- OH, BUT WE'LL TRY TO
BEAR UP UNDER IT, BOY.

- PROMISE YOU WON'T CRY
OVER ME WHEN I'M GONE.

- WE'RE STRUGGLING
TO HOLD UP OUR MORALE.

- MAN, YOUR DAD MUST HAVE
BEEN CRYING ON THE INSIDE,

BECAUSE HE SURE WAS LAUGHING
LIKE MAD ON THE OUTSIDE.

- WELL, MAYNARD,
I GUESS THIS IS IT.

- IT SURE IS. WHAT IS IT?

- GOODBYE.
- BYE.

- NO, MAYNARD. NO. NO. NOT YET.

- I'M GONNA MISS YOU, DOBE.
- AND I'LL MISS YOU, MAYNARD,

BUT TAKE MY WORD FOR
IT, IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.

SOMEDAY YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- SURE YOU WILL, MAYNARD,

AND MEANWHILE, WE'VE GOT
A LOT OF HAPPY MEMORIES

TO LOOK BACK ON.
- YEAH.

REMEMBER HOW I GOT US DRAGGED
INTO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

WHEN I THREW MY PETRIFIED FROG

THROUGH THE WINDOW
OF THE GIRLS' GYM?

- SURE, I REMEMBER.
- AND REMEMBER

WHEN I GOT US LOCKED UP IN JAIL

WHEN I PAINTED A MUSTACHE

ON THE PICTURE OF
THE CHIEF OF POLICE.

ONLY IT WASN'T A PICTURE,

IT WAS THE REAL CHIEF OF POLICE?
- I REMEMBER.

- I WAS ON BREAD AND
WATER FOR TWO DAYS.

- THAT I REMEMBER, TOO.

- AND YOU'VE DONE SOME REAL
NICE THINGS FOR ME TOO, DOBE.

- WELL, THANK YOU,
MAYNARD. I TRIED.

- YEAH, THE THING
I REMEMBER BEST

IS HOW WHENEVER I
GOOFED SOMETHING UP,

YOU ALWAYS RESCUED ME.

- YEAH. WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

- NOW, AFTER I
MOVE TO CLEVELAND,

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME,
BECAUSE I'LL GET ALONG GREAT.

- SURE YOU WILL, MAYNARD.

- I MEAN, IF I GET INTO TROUBLE

AND YOU AIN'T THERE TO HELP ME,

I MEAN, I WON'T CARE TOO MUCH

IF I GET KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL.
- MAYNARD.

- I MEAN, I PROBABLY WILL
GET KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL

AND IN BIG TROUBLE,

BUT A FELLA'S GOTTA LEARN

TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIMSELF,

RIGHT?
- RIGHT.

- SO, LIKE, HAIL AND
FAREWELL, GOOD BUDDY.

WRITE TO ME SOMETIME.

I MEAN, IF I'M NOT
IN JAIL OR SICK

OR TOO DOWN AND OUT TO
BUY A STAMP, I'LL ANSWER YOU.

- WELL, WELL, MOVING
TO CLEVELAND, HUH?

- MOVING? WHO'S MOVING?

MAYNARD MOVES AWAY FROM
HERE OVER MY DEAD BODY.

- DOBIE!

- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, BOY?

YOU CLIPPED YOUR
CURLS COMPLETELY?

- WHY, IT'S WHAT WE
ALL WANTED, DEAR,

FOR HIS OWN GOOD.

- YEAH. THE LITTLE BIRD
FLIES OUT OF THE NEST.

REMEMBER, BOY? REMEMBER?

- Both: OHH.

- SURE. SURE. I REMEMBER.

I JUST GOT CARRIED
AWAY FOR A MINUTE.

MAYNARD...

MAYNARD, GOOD BUDDY, THE
BEST OF LUCK TO YOU ALWAYS.

- AND THE SAME TO YOU, DOBE.

AND ON CHRISTMAS...
- YES, MAYNARD?

- DON'T BOTHER SENDING
ME ANYTHING INEXPENSIVE.

THAT'S LIKE A JOKE.

I BETTER GET OUTTA HERE FAST

BEFORE I GET TOO MISTY
TO FLY, GOOD BUDDY.

[HONK]

- HAVE A WONDERFUL
TIME IN CLEVELAND, DEAR.

GOODBYE.

- WELL, THE LITTLE
BIRD, MAYNARD,

HAS BEEN OUT OF THE
NEST FOR OVER A WEEK NOW,

AND ALREADY HE'S
LEARNING TO FLY.

HERE'S A LETTER HE
WROTE FROM CLEVELAND.

HMM. NO STAMPS AND
FOUR CENTS POSTAGE DUE.

WELL, ROME WASN'T
BUILT IN A DAY.

"DEAR DOBE, PLEASE EXCUSE
ME FOR WRITING IN PENCIL,

"BUT I BROKE MY PEN.

THIS PENCIL AIN'T MUCH
GOOD EITHER, BUT I'LL TRY TO..."

THAT'S ALL THERE IS.

HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE PENCIL.

BUT MAYNARD WILL MAKE
GOOD ON HIS OWN, I KNOW IT,

AND I'M MAKING OUT
PRETTY GOOD MYSELF.

NOW THAT MAYNARD'S OFF MY BACK,

I'M BECOMING DOBIE
GILLIS, PLAYBOY.

- DOBIE GILLIS, YOU'RE
BECOMING A DRAG.

- CAPRICE, MY SWEET,
THAT'S NOT TRUE.

- OH, COME OFF IT, DOBIE.
EVER SINCE MAYNARD LEFT,

YOU'VE BEEN CREEPING AROUND

LIKE A MOTHER HEN
TRYING TO FIND HER EGGS.

- JUST FOR THE FIRST FEW
DAYS. EVERYTHING'S FINE NOW.

- WELL, THEN, COME ON, LET'S GO
ICE SKATING OVER AT THE ARENA.

- I CAN'T. I'VE GOTTA GO
HOME AND PICK UP THE MAIL.

THERE MIGHT BE A
LETTER FROM MAYNARD.

- OH, BROTHER.

- THERE MIGHT BE POSTAGE DUE.
- HUH?

- YOU WOULD HAVE
HAD TO BE THERE.

- OH, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GETTING LATE ANYWAY.

WHAT TIME ARE YOU PICKING
ME UP FOR THE MOVIES TONIGHT?

- UH, CAPRICE, MY
GREAT QUESTING BEAST,

I WAS MEANING TO TELL YOU,

I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE
TO CALL OFF OUR DATE.

- MAYNARD'S GONNA
CALL LONG DISTANCE,

AND I HAVE TO BE
HOME TO GET THE CALL.

- THAT'S DOES IT. YOU'RE
NOT JUST A MOTHER HEN,

YOU'RE THE WHOLE CHICKEN YARD.

- NOW, IF I'M NOT
THERE WHEN HE PHONES,

HE'LL CRY.
- DOBIE...

- IT'LL DESTROY HIS FAITH

IN THE ENTIRE TELEPHONE SYSTEM.

HE MAY NEVER DIAL AGAIN.

- DOBIE, HAVE I TOLD YOU
LATELY THAT YOU'RE A DRAG?

- ALL RIGHT. SO I
WORRY ABOUT MAYNARD,

BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'VE GOT A CONSCIENCE.

I'VE GOT A DUTY. I'VE
GOT RESPONSIBILITIES.

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVEN'T GOT?
- WHAT?

- ME. SAYONARA, CREEP.

I'LL SEND YOU A CARD
ON MOTHER'S DAY.

- CAPRICE, WAIT.
COME BACK, PLEASE.

CAPRICE.

GEE, IT'S GETTING CLOUDY.

I HOPE IT DOESN'T
RAIN IN CLEVELAND.

- BECAUSE IF IT DOES,
THAT NUT-HEAD MAYNARD

WON'T HAVE SENSE ENOUGH
TO COME IN OUT OF IT.

- YOU MISS HIM, DON'T YOU, DEAR?

- MISS HIM? I HARDLY
EVEN REALIZE HE'S GONE.

- THEN WHY ARE YOU READING THE
OUT OF TOWN WEATHER REPORTS?

- BECAUSE I ALREADY READ THE
FUNNIES AND THE SPORTS SECTION.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE,
AND ANY MORE QUESTIONS?

- WELL, I MISS HIM, THE
SWEET, LOVABLE DEAR.

[LOUD CLATTER]

- MAYNARD, YOU CLUMSY, STUPID...

WHY DON'T YOU
LOOK WHERE YOU'RE...

OH, IT'S ONLY YOU, DOBIE.

- ONLY YOU, DOBIE?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- WELL, IT JUST MEANS THAT...

- IT MEANS, DEAR, THAT
FOR A MOMENT THERE,

WE THOUGHT YOU WERE MAYNARD.

- WELL, YOU MISS HIM TOO, HUH?

- YES. I CERTAINLY DO MISS
HIM, THE SWEET, LOVABLE DEAR.

- YEAH. AND I FEEL KIND
OF RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.

AFTER ALL, HE SPENT
THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE

HERE IN THIS STORE.

ALL RIGHT. SO I MISS HIM TOO.

- I THINK MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
HAVE BEEN SO EAGER

TO SEND HIM AWAY.

- IT WAS FOR HIS OWN GOOD.

- TRUE, BUT IT WAS SO ABRUPT.

WHEN YOU'RE TRYING
TO KICK A HABIT,

SHOULDN'T YOU
DO IT KIND OF SLOW?

- DEAR, I'M AFRAID
THAT THE SHOCK

OF BEING TAKEN AWAY
FROM HIS OLD LIFE SO QUICKLY

MAY BE VERY BAD FOR HIM.

- TRUE. HE WAS ON THE
RAGGED EDGE ALREADY.

- WELL, THERE'S NO SENSE
CRYING OVER IT NOW.

HE'S MOVED AWAY WITH HIS FAMILY,

AND WE COULDN'T GET HIM
BACK EVEN IF WE WANTED TO.

- SAY, MAYBE WE COULD,

IF HIS FAMILY DECIDED HE
SHOULD FINISH SCHOOL HERE

AND HE HAD A NICE PLACE TO STAY.

- AND A FINE, DECENT FAMILY
OFFERED TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

- OH, NO. NO, YOU DON'T.

EVEN IF I SAID HE COULD
MOVE IN HERE, WHICH I DID NOT,

HIS FAMILY WOULD NEVER
LET HIM GO IN A MILLION YEARS.

- I JUST CAME IN FROM
CLEVELAND BY THE TRAIN,

AND MY MOM AND DAD SAID
THEY'D BE HAPPY AS LARKS

IF YOU LET ME COME
AND LIVE WITH YOU.

- MAYNARD.

- SO MAYNARD MOVED IN WITH US

ON A FULL-TIME,
24-HOUR-A-DAY BASIS.

NOW, I DIDN'T
EXPECT IT TO BE EASY.

AFTER ALL, HE'S BEEN LIVING
WITH HIS OWN FAMILY FOR YEARS,

AND THEY'RE STILL
NOT USED TO HIM.

SO WE WERE PREPARED
TO DO A LITTLE ADJUSTING.

- DOBE, I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR.

- THERE'S NO REASON TO
SLEEP ON THE FLOOR, MAYNARD.

THE BED'S PLENTY BIG.

- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE.
I SLEEP KIND OF FUNNY.

- MAYNARD, NOBODY
SLEEPS THAT FUNNY.

[SNORING]

- MAYNARD!

MAYNARD!

[BONGOS]

- MAYNARD, IT IS
4:30 IN THE MORNING!

- YEAH. I ALWAYS OVERSLEEP
WHEN I'M IN A STRANGE HOUSE.

- ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY THE
DRUMS AT 4:30 EVERY MORNING?

- YEAH. YOU'RE NICE
PEOPLE. YOU DESERVE IT.

- DOBIE! DOBIE, THIS HUMAN
DRUMSTICK HAS GOT TO GO.

DOBIE! DOBIE?

- BREAKFAST IS READY.
COME AND GET IT.

- GOOD MORNING,
MRS. G. I'M READY.

- WELL, GOOD MORNING,
MAYNARD, WHAT KEPT YOU?

- I HAD TO GET DRESSED
WHEN YOU STARTED CALLING.

- OH, WHAT A NIGHT.

IF I EVER SEE
ANOTHER BONGO DRUM,

I'LL SMASH IT.

- SEE, EVERYBODY DIGS MY
MUSIC AFTER THEY GET USED TO IT.

- OH, DRINK YOUR COFFEE.

- WHERE'S DOBIE?

- OH, HE LEFT AROUND
3 OR 2 HOURS AGO.

SOMETHING ABOUT
GETTING TO SCHOOL

SO HE COULD CATCH
UP ON HIS SLEEP.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- I AM?

HEY, MRS. G, WHAT'S FOR EATS?

- WELL, DEAR, WHAT
WOULD YOU LIKE?

EGGS, HOTCAKES, TOAST?

- FOR BREAKFAST?
- WELL, YES.

- WELL, I'D LIKE TO
HAVE MY USUAL, NAMELY,

CHOW MEIN, PIZZA,
CHILI AND BEANS

AND CELERY TONIC.

- I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DIG UP.

- WINNIE, NOTHING FOR ME.

I'M NOT VERY HUNGRY
THIS MORNING.

- MR. G, DO YOU WANT TO
KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO EAT

FOR SUNDAY BREAKFAST?

- NO, MAYNARD.
- OKAY. I'LL TELL YOU.

WHAT I LIKE TO EAT
FOR SUNDAY BREAKFAST

IS BARBECUED
SPARERIBS, FRIED RICE,

TWO VANILLA MALTEDS,
TAMALES WITH ONIONS,

AND A CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM
SODA WITH DICED LAMB FROSTING.

- I MAY NEVER EAT AGAIN.

- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
I'M LOOKING FOR DOBIE.

- HE'S OVER AT SCHOOL.

- OH, HE WROTE ME
THE SWEETEST NOTE

TELLING ME HOW I'M THE
ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD

HE COULD EVER LOVE.
SO NOW I WANT TO FIND HIM

AND TELL HIM WE CAN START
GOING TOGETHER AGAIN.

- WELL, HE TELEPHONED
ME BY TELEPHONE

AND ASKED ME TO BRING
HIM THIS HERE TEXTBOOK.

- WAIT A MINUTE, MAYNARD.
- HUH?

- THAT'S NOT A TEXTBOOK.

- YOU SURE?
- YEAH.

- "ANDERSON, AMY.

"KLONDIKE 5-4232.
BLONDE, BLUE EYES,

"FAIR DANCER. EATS LIKE A HORSE,

WON'T LET YOU KISS
HER GOOD NIGHT."

YEAH. I GUESS IT
AIN'T A TEXTBOOK.

"HECKENDORF,
EMILY. KLAMATH 5-7811,

REDHEAD, GREAT SHAPE."

[WOLF WHISTLE]
- WHAT?

- THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS.
[WOLF WHISTLE]

- MAYNARD, WHY
DON'T YOU TRY UNDER,

SHALL WE SAY, THE LETTER P?

- P. P. THAT COMES AFTER Z, HUH?

- READ.

- "PENNYBAKER,
DOLORES. 36-22-34."

HEY, THAT'S A FUNNY
PHONE NUMBER.

- IT SURE IS.

- "HAIR COLOR
CHANGES EVERY WEEK."

- NO, MAYNARD, TRY THE NEXT ONE.

- "PRINGLE, CAPRICE."

- AH, THAT'S THE ONE.

- HEY, THAT'S YOU.
- IT SURE IS.

GIVE ME THAT BOOK.
- OH, NO. DOBE'S MY ROOMMATE,

AND I'M GONNA PROTECT HIM.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU READ IT.

- OKAY. THAT'S DIFFERENT.

- "PRINGLE, CAPRICE,
KLONDIKE 5-4949.

"BRUNETTE,
GOOD-LOOKING, GOOD SHAPE,

BUT IN THE WRONG CLOTHES
LOOKS KIND OF HAPPY."

- THAT'S HIPPY, AND I'LL
STRANGLE THAT CREEP.

- NO OFFENSE, YOUR HIPPYSHIP.

"GOOD DANCER, GOOD
SENSE OF HUMOR,

"SAYS SHE WON'T LET YOU KISS HER
GOOD NIGHT UNTIL THE FIFTH DATE,

BUT SHE'S A PUSHOVER
FOR A SMOOTH SALES TALK."

THAT'S SOME KIND OF
FOREIGN LANGUAGE.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
- IT MEANS

THAT WHEN YOU SEE
DOBIE, GIVE HIM THIS FOR ME.

- OH, HI, MAYNARD.

ANY MESSAGES FOR ME?

- YEAH. FROM CAPRICE.
SHE SAID TO GIVE YOU THIS.

- OH, MAYNARD, I'M
TERRIBLY SORRY.

- THAT'S OKAY, MR. G.

- WELL, IT'S A
LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?

- LIKE, BEAUTIFUL.
- GORGEOUS.

- LIKE, SCRUMPTIOUS.
- DELIGHTFUL.

- LIKE, I'M AN HONORED GUEST,

AND I'M GONNA HELP YOU CLEAN UP.

- IT MAY RAIN.

- DON'T TELL MY MOM AT HOME.
- MAYNARD...

- SHE'S SAYS I'M THE MOST
HELPLESS PERSON SHE EVER SAW.

- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.

DEAR, AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE IN CLASS

WITH DOBIE THIS MORNING?
- OH, NO MORE, MRS. G.

I FLUNKED THAT
CLASS. AIN'T YOU LUCKY?

- OH, BOY. WELL, IN THAT CASE,

LET'S FIRST SHAKE OUT
THESE BLANKETS AND SHEETS.

- YES, MY LEADER.

- OH, CRACKER
CRUMBS, PEANUT SHELLS!

- I KIND OF GOT HUNGRY
DURING THE NIGHT.

ALSO, I GOT COLD.
- MAYNARD?

- YES, MA'AM?
- WELL, IN THE FIRST PLACE,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO COME OVER
HERE EVERY TIME THAT I TALK TO YOU.

- OKAY, MRS. G.
- IN THE SECOND PLACE,

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO JUMP ON THE BED

EVERY TIME YOU GO FROM
ONE SIDE OF IT TO THE OTHER.

- THAT'S OKAY, MRS.
G., I LIKE IT, SEE?

- OH, MAYNARD, ARE YOU SURE

THAT YOU FLUNKED
THAT CLASS IN SCHOOL,

AND OH, WHAT A FOOLISH
QUESTION, OF COURSE YOU DID.

NOW, WE ARE GOING TO
FOLD THESE BLANKETS,

AND LATER I WILL
SWEEP THE FLOOR.

- YES. RIGHT, MA'AM.

- MAYNARD. I HAVE
A WONDERFUL IDEA.

- WHATEVER YOU SAY, MY CAPTAIN.

- WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND HELP MR. GILLIS
IN THE STORE?

- WHO DO YOU THINK
SENT ME UP HERE?

- AAH!

WELCOME TO GILLIS GROCERY,
MRS. KENNY, YOUR CUSTOMERSHIP.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE WORKING HERE?

- YEAH. LIKE, TRUE.
- LIKE, BYE.

- OH, NO. NO. MRS.
KENNY. I'LL BE GOOD.

SEE, I'M STAYING
WITH THE GILLISES,

BLESS THEIR LITTLE HEARTS,

AND I WANNA SHOW I
DIG THEIR KINDNESS

BY HELPING WITH THE WORK. WORK!

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL TAKE
A CHANCE, MAYNARD,

BUT WATCH IT.

GIVE ME FIVE POUNDS
OF POTATOES, AND...

- OH, MAYBE YOU
BETTER SKIP IT, MRS. K.

I MEAN, WITH ALL THAT WEIGHT
YOUR HUSBAND'S PACKING AROUND.

- WHAT?
- NO OFFENSE, BUT FAT.

- MAYNARD, I'M GOING
TO WRING YOUR NECK.

- AT THE GILLIS GROCERY, WE
BELIEVE IN THE PERSONAL TOUCH.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT
TO SEE YOUR HUSBAND GET

ANY MORE PLEASINGLY
PLUMP THAN ALREADY HE IS.

LAST NIGHT HE COULDN'T
GET IN A TELEPHONE BOOTH.

BOY, IS HE FAT.

- GIVE ME THOSE POTATOES.

- OKAY, MRS. FAT... MRS. KENNY.

CASH, NO CHARGE.
- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

- MR. GILLIS SAYS WE GOT
TO WATCH YOU LIKE A HAWK,

BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF
THE BIGGEST DEADBEATS

IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

- GOOD MORNING, MRS. KENNY,

AND HOW IS MY FAVORITE
LITTLE CUSTOMER THIS MORNING?

- WHO'S A DEADBEAT,

YOU CHEAP CHISELER?
- WHAT? HUH?

- WHY, YOU!
- OW!

- FROM NOW ON, I
SHOP AT BRUNDIDGE'S,

WHERE THEY TREAT ME LIKE A LADY.

- YOU? OH, COME NOW.

WE'RE VERY HAPPY TO SERVE
YOU HERE AT GILLIS GROCERY.

OH, I'M STARTING TO LIKE
THIS WORLD OF BIG BUSINESS.

WHAT DO I DO NEXT?

- WHAT IS THERE LEFT
FOR YOU TO DO, MAYNARD?

YOU AND I ARE
GOING TO HAVE A TALK.

- OKAY. WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO LEARN, MR. G?

- OH, HERBERT!

- DAD, HE WAS ONLY
TRYING TO HELP OUT.

- HELP ME OUT OF THE
GROCERY BUSINESS, THAT'S WHAT.

- I GOOFED AGAIN, HUH?

- WELL, I WOULDN'T
EXACTLY SAY GOOFED.

- I WOULD.
- AND SO WOULD I. MAYNARD...

- I WAS JUST TRYING TO
BE PART OF THE TEAM,

BUT I GUESS I JUST DON'T FIT.
THAT'S WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS.

WHENEVER THERE'S A ROUND
HOLE, I'M THE SQUARE PIG.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S PEG,
AND YOU KNOW WE LOVE YOU,

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE A...
WELL, SHALL WE SAY A TRIAL.

- SHALL WE SAY PAIN IN THE NECK?
- MAYNARD, DEAR...

- NO. I'M GONNA PACK
MY OTHER SNEAKERS

AND MOVE BACK TO MY FOLKS.

I'M A PAIN IN THE
NECK TO THEM TOO,

BUT THEY GOTTA LOVE ME.

MY FATHER LOOKED IT
UP IN THE LAW BOOKS.

I MEAN, HE CHECKED.

- YEAH. IT'S PROBABLY
BETTER THAT WAY, MAYNARD.

- I'M AFRAID IT IS, DEAR.

- YOU BET IT IS, DEAR.

- I'LL TELEPHONE YOUR
FOLKS IN CLEVELAND

AND TELL THEM THAT
YOU'RE ON THE WAY.

- WHY CALL THEM IN
CLEVELAND, MRS. G?

- NO OFFENSE, DEAR, BUT
IF YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY,

THEY NEED A LITTLE WARNING.

- NO. I MEAN, THEY
AIN'T IN CLEVELAND,

THEY'RE RIGHT HERE IN TOWN.

- WHAT?
- THEY MOVED BACK?

- YEAH. AROUND FIVE
OR FOUR DAYS AGO.

- YOU'VE BEEN MOOCHING
OFF US ALL THIS TIME?

- WITHOUT EVEN
TRYING TO GO HOME?

- MY FOLKS GOT A
HARD LIFE, SO I THOUGHT

I'D GIVE THEM A LITTLE VACATION.

- YOU'VE GOT A POINT.

- LIKE, THANK YOU.
- BUT WE, LIKE,

NEED A VACATION TOO, MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD,

I AM GOING TO WRING YOUR NECK.
- HOLD, HOLD, HOLD.

I GOT A MUCH BETTER IDEA.
- WHAT?

- WELL, SINCE MY FOLKS
AIN'T IN CLEVELAND,

THAT MEANS THEY'RE
RIGHT HERE IN TOWN.

THAT MEANS I CAN GO
HOME. GOOD THINKING?

- NO OFFENSE, BUT...
- All: GOOD THINKING!

- GOOD THINKING.

- MAYNARD.

MAYNARD, WHAT ARE DOING
HERE THIS TIME OF NIGHT?

- WAITING FOR YOU.

- OH, WELL, I'M SORRY, MAYNARD,

BUT CAPRICE AND I ARE
BACK TOGETHER AGAIN,

AND WE'RE GOING TO GO
TWIST AT THE PEABODY LOUNGE.

COME ON, CAPRICE.

- OKAY. GO AHEAD. I'LL
PROBABLY BE ALL RIGHT

BY MYSELF.
- MAYNARD.

- I MEAN, YOU TWO
YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE FUN.

I MEAN, IF I GET IN
ANY KIND OF TROUBLE

OR I GET LOST, I'LL CALL
MY FOLKS INSTEAD OF YOU,

BUT I EXPECT THEY WON'T BE HOME.

- WELL, DOBIE,
WHO'S IT GOING TO BE,

MAYNARD OR ME?

- CAPRICE, I LOVE YOU.

- AND I LOVE MY PETRIFIED
FROG AND MY GUPPIES.

- WELL, DOBIE?

- CAPRICE, LET ME
PUT IT LIKE THIS.

- NO. LET ME PUT IT LOOK THIS.

GOODBYE.

- CHEER UP, GOOD
BUDDY. YOU STILL GOT ME.

- OH, I'M AFRAID SO,
MAYNARD. I'M AFRAID SO.