The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 28 - The Sweet Success of Smell - full transcript
While Professor McGuffy is performing a demonstration on how certain animals, such as basset hounds, have developed a keen sense of smell to overcome other less developed senses, his science class learns that Maynard's sense of smell is far more powerful, especially when it comes to searching out food. But Maynard's keen sense of smell applies to everything. Dobie believes Maynard can parlay that ability to sniff out anything into a lucrative detective business - finding missing items for clients - with Dobie as his business manager. It does end up becoming a booming and indeed lucrative business. But what Dobie didn't count on was fellow student, the beautiful but conniving and money hungry Elspeth Hummaker, entering the scene. Elspeth, who would normally be way out of Maynard's league, wants to take over the business, moving it into an even more lucrative but less ethical direction, and push Dobie out. Will Maynard stay with his good buddy, or go with a girl he wouldn't otherwise be able to get? And will Maynard always be able to sniff out anything?
- THIS GLOOMY-LOOKING
CHARACTER HERE IS CHARLIE.
CHARLIE IS A BASSETT HOUND.
BUT CHARLIE IS
NOT AS INTELLIGENT
AS THE AVERAGE HUMAN BEING,
PRESENT COMPANY
EXCEPTED, OF COURSE,
BUT NATURE HAS
COMPENSATED FOR THAT
BY GIVING HIM AN
EXTRAORDINARY SENSE OF SMELL.
I SHALL SACRIFICE MY LUNCH
FOR THE SAKE OF SCIENCE
BY HIDING THIS
LIVERWURST SANDWICH.
NOW, SHUT YOUR EYES,
EVERYBODY. I'LL DEMONSTRATE.
ONE PEEK AND IT'S FLUNKSVILLE.
ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN
OPEN YOUR EYES.
WELL, WHERE'S THE SANDWICH?
YOU SEE IT? DO YOU
HEAR IT? DO YOU SMELL IT?
NO, OF COURSE YOU DON'T.
WHY, CHARLIE HERE WOULD MAKE
A FOOL OUT OF THE BUNCH OF YOU
BY GOING STRAIGHT TO THE TARGET.
ALL RIGHT, CHARLIE,
GET THE LIVERWURST.
ALL RIGHT, OLD BOY, SHOW
'EM WHAT YOU CAN DO.
UP AND AT 'EM.
WELL... COME ON, OLD BOY, MOVE!
WELL, IT WORKS WITH
COOPERATIVE DOGS.
THEY HAVE AN
EXTREMELY SENSITIVE NOSE
WHICH MAKES UP FOR THEIR
INADEQUATE, INEFFICIENT,
UNDERDEVELOPED BRAINS.
- YOU RANG?
HEY.
[SNIFFS]
GOODNESS, IT'S
SOME KIND... [SNIFFING]
THERE'S A LIVERWURST SANDWICH
RIGHT BEHIND THIS PICTURE. MMM.
[JAZZ THEME]
- THIS IS CHARLIE.
HE'S A BASSETT HOUND.
THIS IS MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
IT PAINS ME DEEPLY TO SAY THIS
BUT WELL, HE'S ALSO
A BASSETT HOUND.
OH, DOGGONE IT WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH ME?
I'M TALKING MYSELF
INTO THIS WHOLE THING
JUST BECAUSE MAYNARD HAS
A SENSE OF SMELL LIKE A DOG,
WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM.
- [BARKING]
- MAYNARD, STOP THAT.
- HERE, HERE. PSST.
[BARKING]
- DOWN, BOY. DOWN, I SAY.
- I WAS JUST SAYING HELLO
TO MY OLD FEATHERED FRIEND.
[BARKING] HI THERE, CHARLIE.
WHAT'S THE LATEST
WORD FROM THE COLONEL?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
KENNEL AND CUT IT OUT.
- HEY, DOBE, I'M STILL HUNGRY.
THINK THERE'S ANY OLD
BONES LAYING AROUND?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
- MR. KREBS, GO
BACK TO YOUR SEAT
AND LIE DOWN... SIT DOWN!
- KREBS, YOU MYSTIFY ME.
HOW'D YOU MANAGE TO GO
TO THAT HIDDEN SANDWICH?
- I WAS HUNGRY.
- THAT MIND OF YOURS
HAS COOKED UP A
VERY CLEVER TRICK.
- MY MIND? OH, COME NOW.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, PROFESSOR.
- IT'S INCREDIBLE.
- NO, SIR, IT WAS LIVERWURST.
- WITHOUT PRECEDENT.
- NO, SIR, WITHOUT MUSTARD.
- KREBS, I DESPISE
PHONIES. I'M GONNA TEST
THAT ALLEGED EXTRAORDINARY
SENSE OF SMELL OF YOURS.
- OH, THAT'S, LIKE, NO STRAIN.
I SMELL, LIKE, REAL GOOD.
- HERE, PUT THIS ON.
- YES, SIR. YOU'LL SEE, SIR.
WHOO! WHERE'D EVERYBODY
GO? IT'S, LIKE, DARK IN HERE.
DOBE, DOBE!
- I'M RIGHT HERE, MAYNARD.
[SNIFFING]
- OH, HI THERE, DOBE, IT'S
GOOD TO SMELL YOU AGAIN.
- NOW, STOP THIS CHATTER
AND LET'S GET CRACKING.
- HMM?
- NOW, TELL ME, KREBS,
WHAT CAN THAT NOSE OF YOURS
LEAD YOU TO EXCEPT FOOD?
- I NEVER TRIED NOTHIN' ELSE.
I FIGURE IF YOU CAN'T
EAT IT, WHY FIND IT?
- NOW, LOOK.
- YOU KNOW ME,
I'LL EAT ANYTHING.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. KREBS, SNIFF.
- OH, THAT BELONGS TO
MY GOOD BUDDY DOBE.
THAT'S CALLED
"DAVID COPPERHEAD."
- THAT'S "DAVID COPPERFIELD,"
AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
- NO, SIR, INEDIBLE.
- NO, NO, NO, KREBS, INEDIBLE
MEANS YOU CAN'T EAT IT.
- YOU EVER TASTED
"DAVID COPPERHEAD"?
- HE WAS SHARPER
THAN YOU, KREBS,
BUT WHO ISN'T?
- WELL, LIKE, THANK
YOU, YOUR WORSHIP.
- NOW, STOP THAT FAWNING
AND FOLLOW THIS BOOK.
[SNIFFING]
- WHAT'S THAT?
- PEN.
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
- PENCIL SHARPENER.
- THIS?
- THAT'S A PITCHER OF WATER.
AND YOU BETTER
TALK TO THE JANITOR.
THE WATER'S GETTING ALL MOLDY.
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
- BOTTLE OF INK.
- IT'S INCREDIBLE.
- NO, SIR, INDELIBLE.
- YOU CAN EVEN
SMELL IT'S INDELIBLE?
- YES, SIR, ISN'T
THAT INCREDIBLE?
- INCOMPREHENSIBLE!
- ALSO INEDIBLE.
YOU EVER TASTE A BOTTLE
OF INCREDIBLE INDELIBLE INK?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- OH, SIR. YOU DON'T HAVE
TO SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU. I OWE IT ALL TO...
- PIPE DOWN, MAYNARD. NOT NOW.
[CLASS BELL RINGS]
- ALL RIGHT, CLASS, THANK
HEAVENS, IS DISMISSED.
- MAYNARD, YOU AMAZE ME.
- OH, NO, DOBE, YOU AMAZE ME.
YOU'RE MUCH
BETTER AT IT THAN ME.
DO YOUR IMITATION OF A
CHICKEN. BUK-BUK-BUK-BAWK...
- NO, MAYNARD, I MEAN,
WHAT YOU DID AMAZED ME.
- YEAH, NOT BAD, HUH?
ALSO GREAT, TERRIFIC
AND SENSATIONAL.
- WERE YOU CALLING
ME, MAYNARD DUMPLING?
- RIGHT HERE IS WHERE I BETTER
FILL YOU IN ON ELSPETH HUMMAKER.
LOOK AT HER, THE FACE OF
ANGEL, THE BODY OF A GODDESS,
THE MIND AND HEART OF A
COLLECTOR OF INTERNAL REVENUE.
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY:
FOR YEARS ELSPETH
HAS BEEN CARRYING ON
A PASSIONATE LOVE
AFFAIR WITH MONEY.
SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON IN
THE HISTORY OF THE SCHOOL
TO MAJOR IN LOOT.
AND THAT'S WHAT BUGGED ME.
WHY WAS SHE SUDDENLY
SO INTERESTED IN MAYNARD?
- MAYNARD, LAMB, DON'T
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY
I'M SUDDENLY SO
INTERESTED IN YOU?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T
WANNA KNOW WHY. LIKE, BYE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ELSPETH?
- OKAY, I WON'T
TELL YOU, BUT I AM.
- AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.
ELSPETH, YOU'RE NOT A GIRL,
YOU'RE A WELL-BUILT BARRACUDA.
THE ONLY THING YOU
CARE ABOUT IS MONEY.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- OH, FLAKE OFF, DOBIE.
- YEAH, FLAKE OFF, DOBIE.
- MAYNARD!
- OH, I MEAN, UNHAND ME, GIRL.
WITH CHICKS I'M
STRICTLY E PLURIBUS UNIT.
- ELSPETH, WATCH OUT,
I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU.
- NATURALLY. ALL THE BOYS HAVE.
- NO, I MEAN, I DON'T TRUST
THE WAY YOU'RE PLAYING UP
TO MAYNARD. WHY?
HE HASN'T GOT A DIME.
- MAYBE NOW HE HASN'T
BUT WAIT, JUST WAIT.
- YOU MEAN SOMETIME
I MIGHT HAVE A DIME?
HEY, HOW ABOUT
THAT? MY FATHER SAYS
I'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO NOTHING.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW, MAYNARD,
BUT YOUR NOSE IS
GOING TO MAKE A FORTUNE
AND WHEN IT DOES, GUESS
WHO'S GONNA BE THERE?
- ME, BECAUSE WHEREVER
MY NOSE GOES, I GOES.
- HOW EXCITING.
AND WHEREVER YOU GO,
MAYNARD ANGEL, I'LL GO.
AU REVOIR, MON AMOUR.
- TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO.
- MAYNARD, SHE'S GOT SOMETHING.
- SHE MUST, THE WAY
EVERYBODY WHISTLES AT HER.
- I MYSELF AM MORE
INTERESTED IN THE FINER THINGS
LIKE SEWER EXCAVATIONS.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD, I
MEAN, SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT
HOW SOME DAY YOU
MIGHT MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
WITH YOUR SENSE
OF SMELL, BUT HOW?
- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE, I MEAN, A
HOUND DOG'S GOT A GREAT NOSE
BUT I NEVER SEEN
A RICH HOUND DOG.
- I KNOW, LET'S GO
TALK TO MY DAD.
WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING MONEY
HE ALWAYS COMES
UP WITH A GOOD IDEA.
- THE BEST IDEA HOW
MAYNARD COULD MAKE MONEY
IS TO SELL HIS BRAIN TO SCIENCE,
AND I JUST HAPPENED TO
REMEMBER THE SIZE OF HIS BRAIN
AND IT'S A MISERABLE IDEA.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE, DAD,
THAT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR.
WHY COULDN'T MAYNARD
BECOME RICH AND SUCCESSFUL?
- WELL, FOR OPENERS
JUST TAKE A LOOK AT HIM.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, DOBE.
- NEVER MIND.
DAD, THERE MUST BE
A WAY FOR MAYNARD
TO CASH IN ON
THIS TALENT OF HIS.
PROFESSOR McGUFFY
TESTED HIM, AND NO KIDDING,
HE'S GOT A SENSE
OF SMELL LIKE A DOG.
- HE ALSO HAS AN
APPETITE LIKE A HORSE
AND WHAT GOOD HAS THAT DONE HIM?
- HE'S GOT A POINT.
- WE CAME TO YOU FOR ADVICE
BECAUSE YOU'RE A VERY
SHREWD BUSINESSMAN.
- MM, I WOULDN'T
EXACTLY SAY THAT.
- MM, NEITHER WOULD I.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE, YOU TWO.
WE GOTTA STUDY THIS
THING OUT SCIENTIFIC-LIKE.
- RIGHT, WE'VE GOT
TO ASK OURSELVES
WHAT CAN WE DO WITH A FELLA
WHO'S GOT A SENSE
OF SMELL LIKE A DOG?
- THERE'S A GOOD QUESTION.
- WE COULD RENT HIM
OUT FOR FOX HUNTS.
- THERE'S A MISERABLE ANSWER.
- MAYBE WE COULD...
- NOW JUST A MINUTE,
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW I WANNA
MAKE MONEY WITH MY NOSE?
- I'M SORRY, MAYNARD,
I APOLOGIZE FOR
NOT ASKING. DO YOU?
- YOU BET, WHEN DO WE START?
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
- THIS THING'S GOT
ME ALL HUNG UP.
MAYNARD MAY HAVE
THE GREATEST NOSE
SINCE THAT, UH,
SAYONARA DE BERGERAC
BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT
TO DO WITH THE DARN THING.
- THAT AIN'T NICE, MR. G.
I KNOW IT AIN'T MUCH
BUT IT'S THE ONLY
ONE I GOT. I MEAN,
IT'S MY OWN PRIVATE NOSE.
- MAYNARD, THIS
IS NO TIME TO BE...
HEY, THAT'S IT. A PRIVATE NOSE.
MAYNARD COULD BE A PRIVATE NOSE.
- PRIVATE NOSE?
BOY, HAVE YOU FLIPPED
YOUR FRINGE COMPLETELY?
- DAD, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
YOU'VE HEARD OF PRIVATE EYES.
- YOU MEAN LIKE SAM
SPADE AND SHERLOCK JONES?
- ALMOST. DARN IT, WHY DIDN'T
WE THINK OF THIS BEFORE?
- WE'RE STUPID?
- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME.
WITH YOUR SENSE OF SMELL
YOU CAN FIND ANYTHING
THAT'S LOST, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- GOOD.
NOW JUST GUESS HOW
MUCH PEOPLE LOSE EVERY DAY
IN CASH, JEWELRY, FURS,
LIKE THAT.
- A BUCK.
- A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT.
- FIVE BUCKS.
- THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
A DAY IN THIS TOWN ALONE.
- YEAH, AND YOU KNOW
WHO MAKES A FORTUNE
FINDING JUST A FEW OF
THOSE LOST OBJECTS?
PRIVATE DETECTIVES, THAT'S WHO.
- RIGHT, AND ALL THEY HAVE
TO WORK WITH IS THEIR BRAINS
AND EYES AND EARS
BUT YOU, MAYNARD,
YOU HAVE A NOSE.
- OH, A BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS,
MONEYMAKING NOSE.
- RIGHT. DO YOU GET IT, MAYNARD?
- YOU THINK I'M
DUMB OR SOMETHING?
- YEAH, BUT ANSWER
THE QUESTION ANYWAY.
DO YOU GET IT?
- MAYNARD,
YOU ARE GONNA OPEN A
PRIVATE DETECTIVE AGENCY.
YOU'LL CHARGE ENORMOUS PRICES
TO FIND STUFF THAT
PEOPLE HAVE LOST.
- OH, MAN, I'LL BE, LIKE, RICH.
- CORRECTION, MAYNARD,
WE'LL BE, LIKE, RICH.
- NO OFFENSE, DOBE,
BUT IT'S MY NOSE.
[SNIFFING]
- NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD,
BUT WHAT ABOUT A BRAIN?
- I'LL NEED, LIKE, A BRAIN?
- I'M AFRAID SO.
- OH. HELLO, PARTNER.
- YES, SIR, WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
DAD OFFERED TO HELP US
BY LETTING US USE THE BACK
OF THE STORE FOR OUR OFFICE
BUT WE COULDN'T AFFORD THE RENT.
SO WE OPENED UP IN A BOOTH
IN THE CAMPUS MALT SHOP.
IT WAS A SMALL BEGINNING,
BUT WITH MY BUSINESS
HEAD AND MAYNARD'S NOSE
WE WERE SOON FAMOUS FROM ONE
END OF THE SCHOOL TO THE OTHER.
- OH, YOU'RE WELCOME,
PROFESSOR EDELWEISS.
WE'RE VERY HAPPY
WE WERE ABLE TO FIND
THE MISSING DINOSAUR BONE
FOR THE ARCHEOLOGY MUSEUM.
WHAT?
I KNOW $30 IS A STIFF FEE
BUT MR. KREBS HAD A TOUGH
TIME GETTING THAT BONE BACK.
HE HAD TO WRESTLE
YOUR ST. BERNARD FOR IT.
GOODBYE.
- HEY, DOBE, LET'S QUIT AS
SOON AS WE GET A MILLION BUCKS.
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD, WE'RE
ALMOST UP TO $100 ALREADY.
- HEY, ONLY ONE MORE
THOUSANDS TO GO.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- HELLO, KREBS AND GILLIS,
PRIVATE EYES, WE TRACK ANYTHING.
WHEN? NO, I'M SORRY
WE DON'T HANDLE
INVESTIGATIONS AT NIGHT.
MY PARTNER MIGHT CATCH
COLD, AND IN THIS BUSINESS
MR. KREBS'S NOSE IS OUR
MOST IMPORTANT PRODUCT.
BYE.
OH, WELCOME TO KREBS
AND GILLIS, FRIENDS,
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?
- THERE'S SOMETHING
ROTTEN IN DENMARK.
- SORRY, WE DON'T TAKE
OUT-OF-TOWN CASES.
- MAYNARD.
- AW, GEE, SALOME KID.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
FORGET THE WHOLE THING?
- NO, CLAYTON, MY ADONIS.
YOU'VE LOST THE LOCKET I
GAVE YOU FOR OUR ENGAGEMENT
AND WE'RE GOING TO FIND IT.
- HA HA, A MISSING TOKEN
OF ROMANCE, OUR SPECIALTY.
- YEAH, I GOT A NOSE FOR LOVE.
- HERE'S THE BOX
THE LOCKET CAME IN.
CAN YOU FIND IT?
- IT'S A CINCH.
SNIFF, MR. K.
[SNIFFS]
- GOT IT, MR. G.
- YEAH, OUR FEE FOR FINDING
A MISSING LOCKET IS $15,
PAYABLE IN ADVANCE.
- ADVANCE? HOLD IT...
- POLICY OF THE HOUSE,
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
REMEMBER, MR. KREBS'S
NOSE IS MORE SENSITIVE
THAN A STRADIVARIUS VIOLIN.
- ALSO BETTER-LOOKING.
- YEAH.
- OKAY, IT'S A DEAL.
- AW, GEE, SALOME KID.
- QUIET, CLAYTON.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE
CRAZY IN LOVE WITH ME
AND I'M GONNA FIND THE
LOCKET THAT PROVES IT.
- YOU BETTER TURN
ME LOOSE, DOBE.
MY NOSE IS GETTING THE MESSAGE.
[SNIFFS]
[SNIFFING]
- CHARLIE, THERE'S NOTHING
THE MATTER WITH YOU.
YOU'RE AS HEALTHY AS A PERSON.
LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
NOW, GO GET THE SANDWICH.
- [MAYNARD SNIFFING]
- OKAY, BOY, UP AND AT 'EM.
- [SNIFFING]
- LET'S GET MOVING!
- HI, CHARLIE.
HEY.
[SNIFFS]
ROAST BEEF?
YOU'RE OUT OF LIVERWURST, HUH?
- CHARLIE, WHY CAN
YOU BE MORE LIKE KREBS?
[SNIFFS]
- DETECTIVE GILLIS'S NOSE
HAS COME THROUGH AGAIN.
- OH, BOY, THIS IS IT! OH, BOY!
- UH-OH.
- YOU KNOW WHERE I FOUND IT?
- NO.
- OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU.
- HEY, SALOME
KID, LET'S CUT OUT.
- QUIET, LOVER. YEAH,
WHERE'D YOU FIND THE LOCKET?
- IN THE PARKING LOT...
- OH.
- UNDER THE FRONT SEAT...
- OH.
- OF GLORIA GRIMSBY'S CAR.
- GLORIA GRIMSBY?
THAT LOVE THIEF, THAT SHE-WOLF,
THAT BLEACHED-OUT BLONDE!
HOW COME MY LOCKET WAS
IN GLORIA GRIMSBY'S CAR?
- AW, GEE, SAL...
- WHAT KINDA
LOWDOWN DOUBLE CROSS
ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?
YOU LOWDOWN DOUBLE CROSSER!
- AW, GEE.
- WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE YEARS
AND ALL THE MONEY I
WASTED ON YOU, YOU DRIP!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE NUTS ABOUT ME.
HOW COME YOU KEEP SNEAKING
OFF TO THOSE OTHER GIRLS?
- SEE WHY I WANTED TO
GET PAID IN ADVANCE?
- YOU'RE ALL BRAIN, DOBE,
EXCEPT FOR THE PART
OF YOU THAT'S BANKBOOK.
- HEY, MY NAME IS
MRS. TARANTINO.
ARE YOU THOSE COLLEGE KIDS
THAT HAVE BEEN SNIFFING OUT
ALL THOSE MISSING ARTICLES?
- AT YOUR SERVICE, MA'AM. WHAT
ARTICLE HAVE YOU MISPLACED?
- MY HUSBAND. THE BUM.
- A MAN WALKED OUT ON A
WIFE LIKE YOU, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- I CAN.
- MAYNARD.
- SEE IF YOU CAN FIND
HIM, KIDS, YOU JUST GOTTA.
I REALLY MISS THE
GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN' CREEP.
- HAVE NO FEAR, MRS. TARANTINO.
WITH MR. KREBS'S NOSE ON THE JOB
YOUR HUSBAND'S PRACTICALLY
HOME IN YOUR ARMS.
- POOR DEVIL.
- MAYNARD REALLY PUT
HIS NOSE INTO HIS WORK.
MRS. TARANTINO GAVE HIM
ONE OF HER HUSBAND'S
OLD OVERCOATS TO SNIFF
AND FROM THAT POINT ON
HE MOVED LIKE A BLOODHOUND.
HE TRAILED MR. TARANTINO
ALL OVER TOWN
AND FINALLY ZEROED IN ON HIM
IN A PARK DOWN BY THE RIVER.
MRS. TARANTINO AND I
SHOWED UP THERE, TOO.
WE WANTED TO BE IN ON THE KILL.
- MRS. TARANTINO, MAYNARD
PICKED UP THE SCENT
FROM YOUR HUSBAND'S OLD OVERCOAT
AND HE TRACKED HIM THIS FAR.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO NOW IS WAIT.
- OH, MONTY! MONTY,
WHERE ARE YOU?
GONE, GONE FOREVER.
- [SNIFFING]
- THAT'S HIM. THAT'S THE CARPET.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S CULPRIT.
NOW, ARE YOU SURE?
- LIKE, POSITIVE. I
GOT THE MESSAGE
THROUGH BOTH NOSTRILS. [SNIFFS]
- WHEN THAT HAPPENS
IT'S MONEY IN THE BANK.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
THAT AIN'T MONTY.
WHY, HE'S TWICE MONTY'S SIZE,
AND MONTY DON'T HAVE NO BEARD.
- MRS. TARANTINO, WATCH.
UH, MONTY? MONTY?
- YOU TALKING TO ME?
- MONTY? IS THAT YOU?
- OH, BLOSSOM...
- OH, IT IS YOU, YOU COWARD!
- PLEASE, BLOSSOM, I JUST
COULDN'T TAKE IT NO MORE
WITH YOUR MOTHER ALL THE
TIME HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE.
- MAMA LEFT A WEEK AGO.
I'LL TEAR YOU APART, YOU...
- WAIT A MINUTE, THE
OLD WALRUS IS GONE?
THEN WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT?
I'M COMING HOME, DOLL FACE.
- POOPSIE!
- SNOOKUMS!
- SWEETHEART, NOW
YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE.
DON'T GO.
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- THANK YOU, MRS. TARANTINO.
HEY, MAYNARD, NOT ONLY
ARE YOU MAKING MONEY,
BUT YOU'RE BRINGING JOY
AND GLADNESS INTO THE WORLD.
- GEE, MY PRIVATE NOSE
IS GETTING ALL MISTY.
- BELIEVE ME, DAD, IT'S
THE GREATEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MAYNARD.
HE'S A NEW PERSON.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HIM.
- PROMISE?
- OKAY, YOU CAN KID ABOUT IT
BUT BEING SUCCESSFUL LIKE THIS
HAS GIVEN HIM SOMETHING
HE NEVER HAD BEFORE.
- CONFIDENCE.
- MONEY.
- OH, THAT'D PUT
BACKBONE IN A JELLYFISH.
- IT SURE WORKED WITH MAYNARD.
HE WALKS AROUND
NOW WITH HIS HEAD HIGH
AND HIS SHOULDERS SQUARED.
YES, SIR, FROM HERE ON,
NOTHING CAN STOP MAYNARD.
- STOP, MAYNARD. I
WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- LIKE, HI, GIRL,
LIKE, BYE, GIRL.
- I HEAR YOUR NEW DETECTIVE
AGENCY IS A SMASHING SUCCESS.
- I AIN'T SAYING.
- THEY SAY YOU HANDLE
3 OR 4 CASES A DAY.
- IT'S MORE LIKE 15
BUT I AIN'T SAYING.
- AT $5 OR $10 A CASE?
- THAT'S MORE, LIKE, $15,
TOO, BUT I AIN'T SAYING.
- MAYNARD, IF I TOLD YOU
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING,
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
- I AIN'T SAYING.
- YOU DO FIND ME ATTRACTIVE,
DON'T YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, I GUESS YOU'RE
OKAY IF YOU LIKE THAT TYPE.
- ALL RIGHT THEN. WHY
DON'T YOU RUN AWAY.
- OH, UH, I JUST
DECIDED I LIKE THE TYPE.
- COME HERE. COME
SIT CLOSE TO ME.
CLOSER.
- HEY, IF ANYBODY
COMES BY, GIRL,
MAKE OUT LIKE YOU
NEVER SAW ME BEFORE.
- OH, MAYNARD, WHY DO
YOU ALWAYS AVOID GIRLS?
- IT'S BEEN MORE
LIKE VICE VERSA.
- THAT'S ALL IN THE PAST,
WHEN YOU WERE A MERE BOY.
NOW YOU'RE A MAN WITH
DIGNITY, POISE, MATURITY.
- LOOT.
- ALL RIGHT, MONEY
HELPS, I DON'T DENY THAT.
BUT MONEY ONLY PROVES
WHAT A MAN IS LIKE INSIDE.
TO ME A FELLOW WHO'S JUST
MERELY SUAVE AND HANDSOME
IS NOTHING COMPARED TO A FELLOW
WHO BOILS WITH PUSH
AND DRIVE AND AMBITION,
AND YOU ARE SUCH A FELLOW.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- YOU HAVE A SENSATIONAL TALENT.
USE IT RIGHT AND YOU
COULD BECOME FAMOUS,
A MAN AMONG MEN, A GIANT.
- OH, ME AND DOBE ARE DOING
PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW.
YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE NEW
OFFICE IN THE ENDICOTT BUILDING.
OH, IT'S A DOOZER.
- IT'S A RAT TRAP.
MAYNARD, THE TIME HAS COME FOR
YOU TO MOVE INTO THE BIG LEAGUES
AND I'M GOING TO HELP YOU.
- YOU'RE LIKE A REAL HUMAN
BEING FOR A GIRL, GIRL,
BUT I ALREADY GOT A
PARTNER, NAMELY DOBE.
- THEN YOU'RE GETTING
ANOTHER ONE, BABY, NAMELY ME.
- OH, NO, WE POSITIVELY AIN'T
TAKIN' IN NO NEW PARTNERS.
- OH, MAYNARD, YOU DON'T REALLY
MEAN THAT, DO YOU, MY SWEET?
FOR ME? PLEASE?
- OH, NO. IN 10 MILLION YEARS
I WOULDN'T ASK MY
GOOD BUDDY DOBE
TO TAKE IN A NEW PARTNER.
- TAKE IN A NEW PARTNER?
- NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
WELCOME ABOARD, PARTNER.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE,
ELSPETH, JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF HAVING
A NEW SIGN PAINTED. OBSERVE.
LOTS OF CLASS, HUH?
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH A DETECTIVE AGENCY NAMED
HUMMAKER, KREBS AND GILLIS.
- WELL, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO.
- STOP HER. DON'T YOU
SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING?
- SURE, SHE JUST
MOVED YOUR NAME OUT.
- I MEAN, DON'T YOU SEE HOW
SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE OVER
THIS WHOLE OPERATION,
INCLUDING YOU?
- MAYNARD, LOVE, ARE YOU
GOING TO BELIEVE YOUR OWN EYES
OR WHAT I TELL YOU?
- YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED, DOBE.
- THAT DOES IT. MAYNARD,
YOU'LL HAVE TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN US. HER OR ME?
- FOR THAT KIND OF FIGHT I
DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO WARM UP.
- NEVER MIND. ALL RIGHT,
MAYNARD, WHAT'S YOUR DECISION?
AND REMEMBER I'M YOUR FRIEND.
I TAUGHT YOU
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW.
- AND I'M SOFT AND
ROUND AND CUDDLY.
- I DO YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU.
- MY SKINS IS LIKE A
PETAL OF A FLOWER.
- I GET YOU OUT OF TROUBLE
AT LEAST TWICE A DAY.
- AND I WHISPER SWEET
NOTHINGS IN YOUR EAR.
- HEY, DOBE, EVER SINCE
WE BEEN LITTLE TINY BABIES
YOU ALWAYS WANTED ME
TO BE HAPPY, DIDN'T YOU?
- RIGHT. AND I'M GLAD
YOU REALIZE THAT.
- AND EVER SINCE YOU
FOUND OUT THERE WERE
TWO KINDS OF LITTLE TINY BABIES,
BOY AND GIRL KINDS,
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING
ME I SHOULD HAVE TO BE HAPPY?
- MAYNARD...
- A GIRL, RIGHT?
- WELL, YEAH.
- AND I GOT ONE NOW, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
- AND SHE'S MORE GIRL
THAN PRACTICALLY ANYONE, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
GOODBYE, GOOD BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, SO I LOST MAYNARD
TO THAT PONYTAILED
CALCULATING MACHINE.
IT WASN'T A FAIR FIGHT.
I MEAN, HER AMMUNITION WAS
SO MUCH BETTER THAN MINE.
HOWEVER, IF MAYNARD
INSISTS ON GETTING INVOLVED
WITH THAT KIND OF A PERSON
I'M GOING TO KEEP HANDS
OFF AND LET HIM SUFFER.
- MAYNARD, MY PET, ARE YOU
HAPPY WITH YOUR LITTLE ELSPETH?
- YOU BET. YOU'RE THE
BEST NECK SCRATCHER
I EVER KNEW EXCEPT
FOR MY AUNT WALTER.
- THEN YOU WILL FOLLOW
MY INSTRUCTIONS.
FROM NOW ON WHATEVER
INFORMATION YOUR NOSE PICKS UP,
WE'LL PEDDLE TO
THE HIGHEST BIDDER.
- SURE... OH, BUT
THAT AIN'T NICE.
- TRUE.
- THAT'S DIS-LEGAL.
- TRUE.
- AND UN-HONEST.
- YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT.
- YEAH, I'M GONNA DO IT.
- OVER MY DEAD BODY
HE'S GONNA DO IT.
SURE, MAYNARD HAD DUMPED
ME AND LET ELSPETH TRAP HIM
BUT LET'S BE FAIR.
LOOK AT THE BAIT SHE'D OFFERED,
AND MAYNARD IS, IN A
MANNER OF SPEAKING,
ONLY HUMAN.
YES, SIR. NOW HE NEEDED MY
FRIENDSHIP MORE THAN EVER
TO SAVE HIM FROM BECOMING
A LOWDOWN,
DISREPUTABLE CRIMINAL.
- A LOWDOWN
DISREPUTABLE CRIMINAL?
YOU BET, MR. KREBS'S
NOSE WILL FIND HIM. RIGHT.
OUR PRICE DEPENDS.
ON WHAT?
ON WHAT YOU CAN
AFFORD, OF COURSE.
WHY DON'T YOU DROP BY THE
OFFICE AND WE'LL DISCUSS IT.
BRING MONEY.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T SQUEEZE
BLOOD OUT OF A TURNIP?
- YEAH, WHO?
- WHAT'S WRONG, MAYNARD?
- WELL, WE'VE BEEN
PARTNERS NOW 10 DAYS.
THAT'S ALMOST A WEEK AND
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING ME USE MY NOSE
FOR ALL KINDS OF MEAN AND
SNEAKY THINGS FOR MONEY.
I MEAN, LIKE, SNIFFING
OUT THEM CHEMICALS
FOR THE KIDS IN THE
CHEMISTRY CLASS
SO THEY GET As ON THEIR
TESTS AND LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, I FEEL EVIL.
- MAYNARD, SWEETHEART,
WOULD I ASK YOU TO DO ANYTHING
THAT WASN'T RIGHT
FOR BOTH OF US?
- UH-HUH.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT,
BUT IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I'M
LOOKING AHEAD TO OUR FUTURE.
AND TO THINK...
YOU DON'T TRUST ME.
["CRYING"]
- OH, DON'T CRY, GIRL, HUH?
- POOR LITTLE ME,
ALWAYS MISUNDERSTOOD.
- LIKE, THERE, THERE.
- I WAS ONLY TRYING
TO MAKE US HAPPY.
- I DIDN'T MEAN NOTHIN', REALLY.
- THEN YOU DO HAVE FAITH IN ME?
- OH, YOU BET.
WHAT KIND OF CAD AND
BOUNDER DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
- NOW THAT'S BETTER. NOW
LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.
YOUR NOSE HAS AN APPOINTMENT
THAT IS GOING TO
MAKE US A FORTUNE.
- MAYNARD, I CAME TO SAVE YOU.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE,
WHAT'S THE CAPER, PAL?
- MAYNARD, TAKE OFF
THAT SILLY TRENCHCOAT,
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
- HA!
- MAYNARD.
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- MAYNARD, IF YOU STAY
HERE, ELSPETH WILL TURN YOU
INTO A CROOK. SHE'LL RUIN YOU.
- NO OFFENSE, DOBE,
BUT YOU'RE ALL WET.
SHE WOULDN'T DO
THAT. SHE LIKES ME.
- BUNK. WITHOUT YOUR NOSE,
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU.
WITHOUT A NOSE I'D
LOOK PRETTY FUNNY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
IF YOU CAUGHT A COLD AND
LOST YOUR SENSE OF SMELL,
SHE'D DROP YOU
LIKE A HOT POTATO.
- SHE WOULD?
- SHE WOULD.
- I WOULD NOT.
- SHE WOULD NOT.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
GONNA REGRET THIS.
- AW, DOBE, NO OFFENSE, BUT
SHE WOULD NEVER DO A THING...
- MAYNARD, YOU SNEEZED!
- NOT ME.
- YOU HAVE A COLD!
- OH, YEAH, I GET
THEM ALL THE TIME.
AND THEY STAY A WEEK.
- I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, WELL,
IT'S LIKE 12 YEARS HAVE I
HAD A STUFFED-UP NOSE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S AWFUL!
- SEE HOW WORRIED SHE IS, DOBE?
- YEAH, SHE'S WORRIED
ABOUT THE LOSS OF INCOME.
- OH, DOBIE, WHY DON'T YOU
GO RE-ENLIST OR SOMETHING.
MAYNARD, MY PET,
WHEN YOU DO GET A COLD
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR NOSE?
- I SNEEZE THROUGH IT.
- OH, I MEAN...
MAYNARD, WOULD YOU DO
LITTLE OLD ELSPETH A FAVOR?
- ANYTHING, LITTLE OLD ELSPETH.
- CLOSE YOUR EYES, MY PUMPKIN.
- ANYTHING YOU
SAY, MY LITTLE DOLL.
- NOW, SNIFF THIS AND
TELL ME WHAT IT IS?
- OH, THAT'S EASY. THAT'S
A LIVERWURST SANDWICH.
- AND WHAT ABOUT THIS?
- THAT'S A BOTTLE
OF INK, INDELIBLE.
- BACK OFF, DOBIE,
HE'S MY PROPERTY.
NOW, MAYNARD, DO LITTLE
OLD ELSPETH A FAVOR
AND GO AND GET THE
TELEPHONE BOOK OFF THE TABLE,
WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.
- OH.
- THERE'S A LAMB.
- SURE, WITH ME IT'S AS
EASY AS FALLING OFF A DOG.
- OH, MAYNARD, I
COULD STRANGLE YOU!
- DID ANYBODY GET THE
NUMBER OF THAT TRUCK?
- MAYNARD, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- OOH. [GASPING]
OOH. OOH. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
EVERYTHING SEEMED
TO UP AND BUMP INTO ME.
- WHAT HAPPENED IS YOU BUMPED
YOUR WAY RIGHT OUT OF MY LIFE.
ARRIVEDERCI, CREEP.
- BUT LITTLE ELSPETH...
- BACK OFF, BUSTER.
YOU LOST THE NOSE BIT
AND WITHOUT THAT, YOU'RE
A SEEDY, SHABBY NOTHING.
SEE YOU AROUND, FIDO. [BARKS]
- I'M SORRY YOU
HAD TO FIND THIS OUT
THE HARD WAY, MAYNARD,
BUT IT'S LUCKY YOU CAUGHT
THAT COLD WHEN YOU DID.
- WHAT COLD?
- WHAT COLD?!
THE COLD THAT JUST MADE...
OH, MAYNARD, YOU SLY DOG.
- [BARKS]
- MAYNARD, THIS IS WONDERFUL.
- YEAH, NO MORE OF
UN-HONORABLE LIFE FOR ME.
I'M GONNA TURN OFF MY SUPERNOSE
AND SMELL JUST
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
- NO MORE DETECTIVE AGENCY,
NO MORE SNIFFING
AROUND FOR MONEY.
- NO, I MEAN, I'M JUST GONNA BE
THE OLD SWEET,
LOVABLE OLD MAYNARD.
- RIGHT. AND BEST OF ALL,
YOU'RE RID OF THAT
MONEY-CRAZY ELSPETH.
- TRUE.
- YES, SIR,
FROM HERE ON, MAYNARD,
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
- I'M AFRAID SO,
DOBE, I'M AFRAID SO.
LIKE, HI, DOBE.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- GONNA INVITE ME
FOR DINNER, AIN'T YA?
YOU'RE HAVING POT ROAST.
- MAYNARD, YOU'VE
BEEN SNIFFING AGAIN.
- OH, NO, DOBE. I TURNED OFF
MY NOSE LIKE I PROMISED YOU.
THE REASON I KNOW
ABOUT THE POT ROAST IS
ON ACCOUNT OF I HEAR YOUR
MOTHER TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE.
YOU'RE GONNA INVITE
ME, HUH, PLEASE?
- HOW CAN YOU HEAR MOM
ON THE PHONE? SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
- YEAH, SURE, SHE'S TALKING
TO HER OLD FRIEND MRS. APPLEBY
AND SHE'S SAYING,
"WE HAVE ENOUGH POT ROAST
FOR HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE.
I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE
GONNA FINISH IT ALL."
- MAYNARD, YOU CAN HEAR THAT?
- SURE, CAN'T EVERYBODY?
- CAN'T NOBODY, INCLUDING YOU.
- WELL, SURE,
DOBE, FOR INSTANCE,
I CAN HEAR YOUR FATHER
COMING DOWN THE STREET
WHISTLING "YANKEE
DOODLE," OFF-KEY.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
MAKING THIS UP.
NOBODY COULD POSSIBLY...
- [WHISTLING "YANKEE DOODLE"]
- YEAH, OFF-KEY.
- IT'S AMAZING.
- NO, IT'S "YANKEE DOODLE."
- WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT
"YANKEE DOODLE"? WHAT?
- DAD, LISTEN TO ME. MAYNARD
HAS A SENSE OF HEARING
THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- HE HAS?
- HE CAN HEAR VOICES
THROUGH WALLS.
DAD, WE CAN MAKE A FORTUNE.
- YOU MEAN...
- YEAH.
- MAYNARD, HEY...
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
CHARACTER HERE IS CHARLIE.
CHARLIE IS A BASSETT HOUND.
BUT CHARLIE IS
NOT AS INTELLIGENT
AS THE AVERAGE HUMAN BEING,
PRESENT COMPANY
EXCEPTED, OF COURSE,
BUT NATURE HAS
COMPENSATED FOR THAT
BY GIVING HIM AN
EXTRAORDINARY SENSE OF SMELL.
I SHALL SACRIFICE MY LUNCH
FOR THE SAKE OF SCIENCE
BY HIDING THIS
LIVERWURST SANDWICH.
NOW, SHUT YOUR EYES,
EVERYBODY. I'LL DEMONSTRATE.
ONE PEEK AND IT'S FLUNKSVILLE.
ALL RIGHT. YOU CAN
OPEN YOUR EYES.
WELL, WHERE'S THE SANDWICH?
YOU SEE IT? DO YOU
HEAR IT? DO YOU SMELL IT?
NO, OF COURSE YOU DON'T.
WHY, CHARLIE HERE WOULD MAKE
A FOOL OUT OF THE BUNCH OF YOU
BY GOING STRAIGHT TO THE TARGET.
ALL RIGHT, CHARLIE,
GET THE LIVERWURST.
ALL RIGHT, OLD BOY, SHOW
'EM WHAT YOU CAN DO.
UP AND AT 'EM.
WELL... COME ON, OLD BOY, MOVE!
WELL, IT WORKS WITH
COOPERATIVE DOGS.
THEY HAVE AN
EXTREMELY SENSITIVE NOSE
WHICH MAKES UP FOR THEIR
INADEQUATE, INEFFICIENT,
UNDERDEVELOPED BRAINS.
- YOU RANG?
HEY.
[SNIFFS]
GOODNESS, IT'S
SOME KIND... [SNIFFING]
THERE'S A LIVERWURST SANDWICH
RIGHT BEHIND THIS PICTURE. MMM.
[JAZZ THEME]
- THIS IS CHARLIE.
HE'S A BASSETT HOUND.
THIS IS MY FRIEND,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
IT PAINS ME DEEPLY TO SAY THIS
BUT WELL, HE'S ALSO
A BASSETT HOUND.
OH, DOGGONE IT WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH ME?
I'M TALKING MYSELF
INTO THIS WHOLE THING
JUST BECAUSE MAYNARD HAS
A SENSE OF SMELL LIKE A DOG,
WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM.
- [BARKING]
- MAYNARD, STOP THAT.
- HERE, HERE. PSST.
[BARKING]
- DOWN, BOY. DOWN, I SAY.
- I WAS JUST SAYING HELLO
TO MY OLD FEATHERED FRIEND.
[BARKING] HI THERE, CHARLIE.
WHAT'S THE LATEST
WORD FROM THE COLONEL?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S
KENNEL AND CUT IT OUT.
- HEY, DOBE, I'M STILL HUNGRY.
THINK THERE'S ANY OLD
BONES LAYING AROUND?
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
- MR. KREBS, GO
BACK TO YOUR SEAT
AND LIE DOWN... SIT DOWN!
- KREBS, YOU MYSTIFY ME.
HOW'D YOU MANAGE TO GO
TO THAT HIDDEN SANDWICH?
- I WAS HUNGRY.
- THAT MIND OF YOURS
HAS COOKED UP A
VERY CLEVER TRICK.
- MY MIND? OH, COME NOW.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, PROFESSOR.
- IT'S INCREDIBLE.
- NO, SIR, IT WAS LIVERWURST.
- WITHOUT PRECEDENT.
- NO, SIR, WITHOUT MUSTARD.
- KREBS, I DESPISE
PHONIES. I'M GONNA TEST
THAT ALLEGED EXTRAORDINARY
SENSE OF SMELL OF YOURS.
- OH, THAT'S, LIKE, NO STRAIN.
I SMELL, LIKE, REAL GOOD.
- HERE, PUT THIS ON.
- YES, SIR. YOU'LL SEE, SIR.
WHOO! WHERE'D EVERYBODY
GO? IT'S, LIKE, DARK IN HERE.
DOBE, DOBE!
- I'M RIGHT HERE, MAYNARD.
[SNIFFING]
- OH, HI THERE, DOBE, IT'S
GOOD TO SMELL YOU AGAIN.
- NOW, STOP THIS CHATTER
AND LET'S GET CRACKING.
- HMM?
- NOW, TELL ME, KREBS,
WHAT CAN THAT NOSE OF YOURS
LEAD YOU TO EXCEPT FOOD?
- I NEVER TRIED NOTHIN' ELSE.
I FIGURE IF YOU CAN'T
EAT IT, WHY FIND IT?
- NOW, LOOK.
- YOU KNOW ME,
I'LL EAT ANYTHING.
- ALL RIGHT, MR. KREBS, SNIFF.
- OH, THAT BELONGS TO
MY GOOD BUDDY DOBE.
THAT'S CALLED
"DAVID COPPERHEAD."
- THAT'S "DAVID COPPERFIELD,"
AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
- NO, SIR, INEDIBLE.
- NO, NO, NO, KREBS, INEDIBLE
MEANS YOU CAN'T EAT IT.
- YOU EVER TASTED
"DAVID COPPERHEAD"?
- HE WAS SHARPER
THAN YOU, KREBS,
BUT WHO ISN'T?
- WELL, LIKE, THANK
YOU, YOUR WORSHIP.
- NOW, STOP THAT FAWNING
AND FOLLOW THIS BOOK.
[SNIFFING]
- WHAT'S THAT?
- PEN.
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
- PENCIL SHARPENER.
- THIS?
- THAT'S A PITCHER OF WATER.
AND YOU BETTER
TALK TO THE JANITOR.
THE WATER'S GETTING ALL MOLDY.
- HOW ABOUT THIS?
- BOTTLE OF INK.
- IT'S INCREDIBLE.
- NO, SIR, INDELIBLE.
- YOU CAN EVEN
SMELL IT'S INDELIBLE?
- YES, SIR, ISN'T
THAT INCREDIBLE?
- INCOMPREHENSIBLE!
- ALSO INEDIBLE.
YOU EVER TASTE A BOTTLE
OF INCREDIBLE INDELIBLE INK?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- OH, SIR. YOU DON'T HAVE
TO SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
THANK YOU, THANK
YOU. I OWE IT ALL TO...
- PIPE DOWN, MAYNARD. NOT NOW.
[CLASS BELL RINGS]
- ALL RIGHT, CLASS, THANK
HEAVENS, IS DISMISSED.
- MAYNARD, YOU AMAZE ME.
- OH, NO, DOBE, YOU AMAZE ME.
YOU'RE MUCH
BETTER AT IT THAN ME.
DO YOUR IMITATION OF A
CHICKEN. BUK-BUK-BUK-BAWK...
- NO, MAYNARD, I MEAN,
WHAT YOU DID AMAZED ME.
- YEAH, NOT BAD, HUH?
ALSO GREAT, TERRIFIC
AND SENSATIONAL.
- WERE YOU CALLING
ME, MAYNARD DUMPLING?
- RIGHT HERE IS WHERE I BETTER
FILL YOU IN ON ELSPETH HUMMAKER.
LOOK AT HER, THE FACE OF
ANGEL, THE BODY OF A GODDESS,
THE MIND AND HEART OF A
COLLECTOR OF INTERNAL REVENUE.
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY:
FOR YEARS ELSPETH
HAS BEEN CARRYING ON
A PASSIONATE LOVE
AFFAIR WITH MONEY.
SHE'S THE ONLY PERSON IN
THE HISTORY OF THE SCHOOL
TO MAJOR IN LOOT.
AND THAT'S WHAT BUGGED ME.
WHY WAS SHE SUDDENLY
SO INTERESTED IN MAYNARD?
- MAYNARD, LAMB, DON'T
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY
I'M SUDDENLY SO
INTERESTED IN YOU?
- YOU'RE RIGHT, I DON'T
WANNA KNOW WHY. LIKE, BYE.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ELSPETH?
- OKAY, I WON'T
TELL YOU, BUT I AM.
- AND I DON'T BLAME HIM.
ELSPETH, YOU'RE NOT A GIRL,
YOU'RE A WELL-BUILT BARRACUDA.
THE ONLY THING YOU
CARE ABOUT IS MONEY.
COME ON, MAYNARD.
- OH, FLAKE OFF, DOBIE.
- YEAH, FLAKE OFF, DOBIE.
- MAYNARD!
- OH, I MEAN, UNHAND ME, GIRL.
WITH CHICKS I'M
STRICTLY E PLURIBUS UNIT.
- ELSPETH, WATCH OUT,
I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU.
- NATURALLY. ALL THE BOYS HAVE.
- NO, I MEAN, I DON'T TRUST
THE WAY YOU'RE PLAYING UP
TO MAYNARD. WHY?
HE HASN'T GOT A DIME.
- MAYBE NOW HE HASN'T
BUT WAIT, JUST WAIT.
- YOU MEAN SOMETIME
I MIGHT HAVE A DIME?
HEY, HOW ABOUT
THAT? MY FATHER SAYS
I'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO NOTHING.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW, MAYNARD,
BUT YOUR NOSE IS
GOING TO MAKE A FORTUNE
AND WHEN IT DOES, GUESS
WHO'S GONNA BE THERE?
- ME, BECAUSE WHEREVER
MY NOSE GOES, I GOES.
- HOW EXCITING.
AND WHEREVER YOU GO,
MAYNARD ANGEL, I'LL GO.
AU REVOIR, MON AMOUR.
- TIPPECANOE AND TYLER TOO.
- MAYNARD, SHE'S GOT SOMETHING.
- SHE MUST, THE WAY
EVERYBODY WHISTLES AT HER.
- I MYSELF AM MORE
INTERESTED IN THE FINER THINGS
LIKE SEWER EXCAVATIONS.
- NO, NO, NO, MAYNARD, I
MEAN, SHE'S RIGHT ABOUT
HOW SOME DAY YOU
MIGHT MAKE A LOT OF MONEY
WITH YOUR SENSE
OF SMELL, BUT HOW?
- I DON'T KNOW, DOBE, I MEAN, A
HOUND DOG'S GOT A GREAT NOSE
BUT I NEVER SEEN
A RICH HOUND DOG.
- I KNOW, LET'S GO
TALK TO MY DAD.
WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING MONEY
HE ALWAYS COMES
UP WITH A GOOD IDEA.
- THE BEST IDEA HOW
MAYNARD COULD MAKE MONEY
IS TO SELL HIS BRAIN TO SCIENCE,
AND I JUST HAPPENED TO
REMEMBER THE SIZE OF HIS BRAIN
AND IT'S A MISERABLE IDEA.
- NOW WAIT A MINUTE, DAD,
THAT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR.
WHY COULDN'T MAYNARD
BECOME RICH AND SUCCESSFUL?
- WELL, FOR OPENERS
JUST TAKE A LOOK AT HIM.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, DOBE.
- NEVER MIND.
DAD, THERE MUST BE
A WAY FOR MAYNARD
TO CASH IN ON
THIS TALENT OF HIS.
PROFESSOR McGUFFY
TESTED HIM, AND NO KIDDING,
HE'S GOT A SENSE
OF SMELL LIKE A DOG.
- HE ALSO HAS AN
APPETITE LIKE A HORSE
AND WHAT GOOD HAS THAT DONE HIM?
- HE'S GOT A POINT.
- WE CAME TO YOU FOR ADVICE
BECAUSE YOU'RE A VERY
SHREWD BUSINESSMAN.
- MM, I WOULDN'T
EXACTLY SAY THAT.
- MM, NEITHER WOULD I.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE, YOU TWO.
WE GOTTA STUDY THIS
THING OUT SCIENTIFIC-LIKE.
- RIGHT, WE'VE GOT
TO ASK OURSELVES
WHAT CAN WE DO WITH A FELLA
WHO'S GOT A SENSE
OF SMELL LIKE A DOG?
- THERE'S A GOOD QUESTION.
- WE COULD RENT HIM
OUT FOR FOX HUNTS.
- THERE'S A MISERABLE ANSWER.
- MAYBE WE COULD...
- NOW JUST A MINUTE,
JUST A DARN MINUTE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW I WANNA
MAKE MONEY WITH MY NOSE?
- I'M SORRY, MAYNARD,
I APOLOGIZE FOR
NOT ASKING. DO YOU?
- YOU BET, WHEN DO WE START?
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
- THIS THING'S GOT
ME ALL HUNG UP.
MAYNARD MAY HAVE
THE GREATEST NOSE
SINCE THAT, UH,
SAYONARA DE BERGERAC
BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT
TO DO WITH THE DARN THING.
- THAT AIN'T NICE, MR. G.
I KNOW IT AIN'T MUCH
BUT IT'S THE ONLY
ONE I GOT. I MEAN,
IT'S MY OWN PRIVATE NOSE.
- MAYNARD, THIS
IS NO TIME TO BE...
HEY, THAT'S IT. A PRIVATE NOSE.
MAYNARD COULD BE A PRIVATE NOSE.
- PRIVATE NOSE?
BOY, HAVE YOU FLIPPED
YOUR FRINGE COMPLETELY?
- DAD, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR.
YOU'VE HEARD OF PRIVATE EYES.
- YOU MEAN LIKE SAM
SPADE AND SHERLOCK JONES?
- ALMOST. DARN IT, WHY DIDN'T
WE THINK OF THIS BEFORE?
- WE'RE STUPID?
- MAYNARD, LISTEN TO ME.
WITH YOUR SENSE OF SMELL
YOU CAN FIND ANYTHING
THAT'S LOST, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- GOOD.
NOW JUST GUESS HOW
MUCH PEOPLE LOSE EVERY DAY
IN CASH, JEWELRY, FURS,
LIKE THAT.
- A BUCK.
- A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT.
- FIVE BUCKS.
- THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
A DAY IN THIS TOWN ALONE.
- YEAH, AND YOU KNOW
WHO MAKES A FORTUNE
FINDING JUST A FEW OF
THOSE LOST OBJECTS?
PRIVATE DETECTIVES, THAT'S WHO.
- RIGHT, AND ALL THEY HAVE
TO WORK WITH IS THEIR BRAINS
AND EYES AND EARS
BUT YOU, MAYNARD,
YOU HAVE A NOSE.
- OH, A BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS,
MONEYMAKING NOSE.
- RIGHT. DO YOU GET IT, MAYNARD?
- YOU THINK I'M
DUMB OR SOMETHING?
- YEAH, BUT ANSWER
THE QUESTION ANYWAY.
DO YOU GET IT?
- MAYNARD,
YOU ARE GONNA OPEN A
PRIVATE DETECTIVE AGENCY.
YOU'LL CHARGE ENORMOUS PRICES
TO FIND STUFF THAT
PEOPLE HAVE LOST.
- OH, MAN, I'LL BE, LIKE, RICH.
- CORRECTION, MAYNARD,
WE'LL BE, LIKE, RICH.
- NO OFFENSE, DOBE,
BUT IT'S MY NOSE.
[SNIFFING]
- NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD,
BUT WHAT ABOUT A BRAIN?
- I'LL NEED, LIKE, A BRAIN?
- I'M AFRAID SO.
- OH. HELLO, PARTNER.
- YES, SIR, WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
DAD OFFERED TO HELP US
BY LETTING US USE THE BACK
OF THE STORE FOR OUR OFFICE
BUT WE COULDN'T AFFORD THE RENT.
SO WE OPENED UP IN A BOOTH
IN THE CAMPUS MALT SHOP.
IT WAS A SMALL BEGINNING,
BUT WITH MY BUSINESS
HEAD AND MAYNARD'S NOSE
WE WERE SOON FAMOUS FROM ONE
END OF THE SCHOOL TO THE OTHER.
- OH, YOU'RE WELCOME,
PROFESSOR EDELWEISS.
WE'RE VERY HAPPY
WE WERE ABLE TO FIND
THE MISSING DINOSAUR BONE
FOR THE ARCHEOLOGY MUSEUM.
WHAT?
I KNOW $30 IS A STIFF FEE
BUT MR. KREBS HAD A TOUGH
TIME GETTING THAT BONE BACK.
HE HAD TO WRESTLE
YOUR ST. BERNARD FOR IT.
GOODBYE.
- HEY, DOBE, LET'S QUIT AS
SOON AS WE GET A MILLION BUCKS.
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD, WE'RE
ALMOST UP TO $100 ALREADY.
- HEY, ONLY ONE MORE
THOUSANDS TO GO.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
- HELLO, KREBS AND GILLIS,
PRIVATE EYES, WE TRACK ANYTHING.
WHEN? NO, I'M SORRY
WE DON'T HANDLE
INVESTIGATIONS AT NIGHT.
MY PARTNER MIGHT CATCH
COLD, AND IN THIS BUSINESS
MR. KREBS'S NOSE IS OUR
MOST IMPORTANT PRODUCT.
BYE.
OH, WELCOME TO KREBS
AND GILLIS, FRIENDS,
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?
- THERE'S SOMETHING
ROTTEN IN DENMARK.
- SORRY, WE DON'T TAKE
OUT-OF-TOWN CASES.
- MAYNARD.
- AW, GEE, SALOME KID.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
FORGET THE WHOLE THING?
- NO, CLAYTON, MY ADONIS.
YOU'VE LOST THE LOCKET I
GAVE YOU FOR OUR ENGAGEMENT
AND WE'RE GOING TO FIND IT.
- HA HA, A MISSING TOKEN
OF ROMANCE, OUR SPECIALTY.
- YEAH, I GOT A NOSE FOR LOVE.
- HERE'S THE BOX
THE LOCKET CAME IN.
CAN YOU FIND IT?
- IT'S A CINCH.
SNIFF, MR. K.
[SNIFFS]
- GOT IT, MR. G.
- YEAH, OUR FEE FOR FINDING
A MISSING LOCKET IS $15,
PAYABLE IN ADVANCE.
- ADVANCE? HOLD IT...
- POLICY OF THE HOUSE,
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
REMEMBER, MR. KREBS'S
NOSE IS MORE SENSITIVE
THAN A STRADIVARIUS VIOLIN.
- ALSO BETTER-LOOKING.
- YEAH.
- OKAY, IT'S A DEAL.
- AW, GEE, SALOME KID.
- QUIET, CLAYTON.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE
CRAZY IN LOVE WITH ME
AND I'M GONNA FIND THE
LOCKET THAT PROVES IT.
- YOU BETTER TURN
ME LOOSE, DOBE.
MY NOSE IS GETTING THE MESSAGE.
[SNIFFS]
[SNIFFING]
- CHARLIE, THERE'S NOTHING
THE MATTER WITH YOU.
YOU'RE AS HEALTHY AS A PERSON.
LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
NOW, GO GET THE SANDWICH.
- [MAYNARD SNIFFING]
- OKAY, BOY, UP AND AT 'EM.
- [SNIFFING]
- LET'S GET MOVING!
- HI, CHARLIE.
HEY.
[SNIFFS]
ROAST BEEF?
YOU'RE OUT OF LIVERWURST, HUH?
- CHARLIE, WHY CAN
YOU BE MORE LIKE KREBS?
[SNIFFS]
- DETECTIVE GILLIS'S NOSE
HAS COME THROUGH AGAIN.
- OH, BOY, THIS IS IT! OH, BOY!
- UH-OH.
- YOU KNOW WHERE I FOUND IT?
- NO.
- OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU.
- HEY, SALOME
KID, LET'S CUT OUT.
- QUIET, LOVER. YEAH,
WHERE'D YOU FIND THE LOCKET?
- IN THE PARKING LOT...
- OH.
- UNDER THE FRONT SEAT...
- OH.
- OF GLORIA GRIMSBY'S CAR.
- GLORIA GRIMSBY?
THAT LOVE THIEF, THAT SHE-WOLF,
THAT BLEACHED-OUT BLONDE!
HOW COME MY LOCKET WAS
IN GLORIA GRIMSBY'S CAR?
- AW, GEE, SAL...
- WHAT KINDA
LOWDOWN DOUBLE CROSS
ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?
YOU LOWDOWN DOUBLE CROSSER!
- AW, GEE.
- WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE YEARS
AND ALL THE MONEY I
WASTED ON YOU, YOU DRIP!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE NUTS ABOUT ME.
HOW COME YOU KEEP SNEAKING
OFF TO THOSE OTHER GIRLS?
- SEE WHY I WANTED TO
GET PAID IN ADVANCE?
- YOU'RE ALL BRAIN, DOBE,
EXCEPT FOR THE PART
OF YOU THAT'S BANKBOOK.
- HEY, MY NAME IS
MRS. TARANTINO.
ARE YOU THOSE COLLEGE KIDS
THAT HAVE BEEN SNIFFING OUT
ALL THOSE MISSING ARTICLES?
- AT YOUR SERVICE, MA'AM. WHAT
ARTICLE HAVE YOU MISPLACED?
- MY HUSBAND. THE BUM.
- A MAN WALKED OUT ON A
WIFE LIKE YOU, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
- I CAN.
- MAYNARD.
- SEE IF YOU CAN FIND
HIM, KIDS, YOU JUST GOTTA.
I REALLY MISS THE
GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN' CREEP.
- HAVE NO FEAR, MRS. TARANTINO.
WITH MR. KREBS'S NOSE ON THE JOB
YOUR HUSBAND'S PRACTICALLY
HOME IN YOUR ARMS.
- POOR DEVIL.
- MAYNARD REALLY PUT
HIS NOSE INTO HIS WORK.
MRS. TARANTINO GAVE HIM
ONE OF HER HUSBAND'S
OLD OVERCOATS TO SNIFF
AND FROM THAT POINT ON
HE MOVED LIKE A BLOODHOUND.
HE TRAILED MR. TARANTINO
ALL OVER TOWN
AND FINALLY ZEROED IN ON HIM
IN A PARK DOWN BY THE RIVER.
MRS. TARANTINO AND I
SHOWED UP THERE, TOO.
WE WANTED TO BE IN ON THE KILL.
- MRS. TARANTINO, MAYNARD
PICKED UP THE SCENT
FROM YOUR HUSBAND'S OLD OVERCOAT
AND HE TRACKED HIM THIS FAR.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO NOW IS WAIT.
- OH, MONTY! MONTY,
WHERE ARE YOU?
GONE, GONE FOREVER.
- [SNIFFING]
- THAT'S HIM. THAT'S THE CARPET.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S CULPRIT.
NOW, ARE YOU SURE?
- LIKE, POSITIVE. I
GOT THE MESSAGE
THROUGH BOTH NOSTRILS. [SNIFFS]
- WHEN THAT HAPPENS
IT'S MONEY IN THE BANK.
- YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
THAT AIN'T MONTY.
WHY, HE'S TWICE MONTY'S SIZE,
AND MONTY DON'T HAVE NO BEARD.
- MRS. TARANTINO, WATCH.
UH, MONTY? MONTY?
- YOU TALKING TO ME?
- MONTY? IS THAT YOU?
- OH, BLOSSOM...
- OH, IT IS YOU, YOU COWARD!
- PLEASE, BLOSSOM, I JUST
COULDN'T TAKE IT NO MORE
WITH YOUR MOTHER ALL THE
TIME HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE.
- MAMA LEFT A WEEK AGO.
I'LL TEAR YOU APART, YOU...
- WAIT A MINUTE, THE
OLD WALRUS IS GONE?
THEN WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT?
I'M COMING HOME, DOLL FACE.
- POOPSIE!
- SNOOKUMS!
- SWEETHEART, NOW
YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE.
DON'T GO.
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- THANK YOU, MRS. TARANTINO.
HEY, MAYNARD, NOT ONLY
ARE YOU MAKING MONEY,
BUT YOU'RE BRINGING JOY
AND GLADNESS INTO THE WORLD.
- GEE, MY PRIVATE NOSE
IS GETTING ALL MISTY.
- BELIEVE ME, DAD, IT'S
THE GREATEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO MAYNARD.
HE'S A NEW PERSON.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HIM.
- PROMISE?
- OKAY, YOU CAN KID ABOUT IT
BUT BEING SUCCESSFUL LIKE THIS
HAS GIVEN HIM SOMETHING
HE NEVER HAD BEFORE.
- CONFIDENCE.
- MONEY.
- OH, THAT'D PUT
BACKBONE IN A JELLYFISH.
- IT SURE WORKED WITH MAYNARD.
HE WALKS AROUND
NOW WITH HIS HEAD HIGH
AND HIS SHOULDERS SQUARED.
YES, SIR, FROM HERE ON,
NOTHING CAN STOP MAYNARD.
- STOP, MAYNARD. I
WANNA TALK TO YOU.
- LIKE, HI, GIRL,
LIKE, BYE, GIRL.
- I HEAR YOUR NEW DETECTIVE
AGENCY IS A SMASHING SUCCESS.
- I AIN'T SAYING.
- THEY SAY YOU HANDLE
3 OR 4 CASES A DAY.
- IT'S MORE LIKE 15
BUT I AIN'T SAYING.
- AT $5 OR $10 A CASE?
- THAT'S MORE, LIKE, $15,
TOO, BUT I AIN'T SAYING.
- MAYNARD, IF I TOLD YOU
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING,
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?
- I AIN'T SAYING.
- YOU DO FIND ME ATTRACTIVE,
DON'T YOU, MAYNARD.
- OH, I GUESS YOU'RE
OKAY IF YOU LIKE THAT TYPE.
- ALL RIGHT THEN. WHY
DON'T YOU RUN AWAY.
- OH, UH, I JUST
DECIDED I LIKE THE TYPE.
- COME HERE. COME
SIT CLOSE TO ME.
CLOSER.
- HEY, IF ANYBODY
COMES BY, GIRL,
MAKE OUT LIKE YOU
NEVER SAW ME BEFORE.
- OH, MAYNARD, WHY DO
YOU ALWAYS AVOID GIRLS?
- IT'S BEEN MORE
LIKE VICE VERSA.
- THAT'S ALL IN THE PAST,
WHEN YOU WERE A MERE BOY.
NOW YOU'RE A MAN WITH
DIGNITY, POISE, MATURITY.
- LOOT.
- ALL RIGHT, MONEY
HELPS, I DON'T DENY THAT.
BUT MONEY ONLY PROVES
WHAT A MAN IS LIKE INSIDE.
TO ME A FELLOW WHO'S JUST
MERELY SUAVE AND HANDSOME
IS NOTHING COMPARED TO A FELLOW
WHO BOILS WITH PUSH
AND DRIVE AND AMBITION,
AND YOU ARE SUCH A FELLOW.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- YOU HAVE A SENSATIONAL TALENT.
USE IT RIGHT AND YOU
COULD BECOME FAMOUS,
A MAN AMONG MEN, A GIANT.
- OH, ME AND DOBE ARE DOING
PRETTY GOOD RIGHT NOW.
YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE NEW
OFFICE IN THE ENDICOTT BUILDING.
OH, IT'S A DOOZER.
- IT'S A RAT TRAP.
MAYNARD, THE TIME HAS COME FOR
YOU TO MOVE INTO THE BIG LEAGUES
AND I'M GOING TO HELP YOU.
- YOU'RE LIKE A REAL HUMAN
BEING FOR A GIRL, GIRL,
BUT I ALREADY GOT A
PARTNER, NAMELY DOBE.
- THEN YOU'RE GETTING
ANOTHER ONE, BABY, NAMELY ME.
- OH, NO, WE POSITIVELY AIN'T
TAKIN' IN NO NEW PARTNERS.
- OH, MAYNARD, YOU DON'T REALLY
MEAN THAT, DO YOU, MY SWEET?
FOR ME? PLEASE?
- OH, NO. IN 10 MILLION YEARS
I WOULDN'T ASK MY
GOOD BUDDY DOBE
TO TAKE IN A NEW PARTNER.
- TAKE IN A NEW PARTNER?
- NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
WELCOME ABOARD, PARTNER.
- NOW JUST A MINUTE,
ELSPETH, JUST A DARN MINUTE.
- I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF HAVING
A NEW SIGN PAINTED. OBSERVE.
LOTS OF CLASS, HUH?
- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE
TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH A DETECTIVE AGENCY NAMED
HUMMAKER, KREBS AND GILLIS.
- WELL, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO.
- STOP HER. DON'T YOU
SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING?
- SURE, SHE JUST
MOVED YOUR NAME OUT.
- I MEAN, DON'T YOU SEE HOW
SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE OVER
THIS WHOLE OPERATION,
INCLUDING YOU?
- MAYNARD, LOVE, ARE YOU
GOING TO BELIEVE YOUR OWN EYES
OR WHAT I TELL YOU?
- YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED, DOBE.
- THAT DOES IT. MAYNARD,
YOU'LL HAVE TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN US. HER OR ME?
- FOR THAT KIND OF FIGHT I
DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO WARM UP.
- NEVER MIND. ALL RIGHT,
MAYNARD, WHAT'S YOUR DECISION?
AND REMEMBER I'M YOUR FRIEND.
I TAUGHT YOU
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW.
- AND I'M SOFT AND
ROUND AND CUDDLY.
- I DO YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU.
- MY SKINS IS LIKE A
PETAL OF A FLOWER.
- I GET YOU OUT OF TROUBLE
AT LEAST TWICE A DAY.
- AND I WHISPER SWEET
NOTHINGS IN YOUR EAR.
- HEY, DOBE, EVER SINCE
WE BEEN LITTLE TINY BABIES
YOU ALWAYS WANTED ME
TO BE HAPPY, DIDN'T YOU?
- RIGHT. AND I'M GLAD
YOU REALIZE THAT.
- AND EVER SINCE YOU
FOUND OUT THERE WERE
TWO KINDS OF LITTLE TINY BABIES,
BOY AND GIRL KINDS,
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING
ME I SHOULD HAVE TO BE HAPPY?
- MAYNARD...
- A GIRL, RIGHT?
- WELL, YEAH.
- AND I GOT ONE NOW, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
- AND SHE'S MORE GIRL
THAN PRACTICALLY ANYONE, RIGHT?
- RIGHT.
GOODBYE, GOOD BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, SO I LOST MAYNARD
TO THAT PONYTAILED
CALCULATING MACHINE.
IT WASN'T A FAIR FIGHT.
I MEAN, HER AMMUNITION WAS
SO MUCH BETTER THAN MINE.
HOWEVER, IF MAYNARD
INSISTS ON GETTING INVOLVED
WITH THAT KIND OF A PERSON
I'M GOING TO KEEP HANDS
OFF AND LET HIM SUFFER.
- MAYNARD, MY PET, ARE YOU
HAPPY WITH YOUR LITTLE ELSPETH?
- YOU BET. YOU'RE THE
BEST NECK SCRATCHER
I EVER KNEW EXCEPT
FOR MY AUNT WALTER.
- THEN YOU WILL FOLLOW
MY INSTRUCTIONS.
FROM NOW ON WHATEVER
INFORMATION YOUR NOSE PICKS UP,
WE'LL PEDDLE TO
THE HIGHEST BIDDER.
- SURE... OH, BUT
THAT AIN'T NICE.
- TRUE.
- THAT'S DIS-LEGAL.
- TRUE.
- AND UN-HONEST.
- YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT.
- YEAH, I'M GONNA DO IT.
- OVER MY DEAD BODY
HE'S GONNA DO IT.
SURE, MAYNARD HAD DUMPED
ME AND LET ELSPETH TRAP HIM
BUT LET'S BE FAIR.
LOOK AT THE BAIT SHE'D OFFERED,
AND MAYNARD IS, IN A
MANNER OF SPEAKING,
ONLY HUMAN.
YES, SIR. NOW HE NEEDED MY
FRIENDSHIP MORE THAN EVER
TO SAVE HIM FROM BECOMING
A LOWDOWN,
DISREPUTABLE CRIMINAL.
- A LOWDOWN
DISREPUTABLE CRIMINAL?
YOU BET, MR. KREBS'S
NOSE WILL FIND HIM. RIGHT.
OUR PRICE DEPENDS.
ON WHAT?
ON WHAT YOU CAN
AFFORD, OF COURSE.
WHY DON'T YOU DROP BY THE
OFFICE AND WE'LL DISCUSS IT.
BRING MONEY.
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T SQUEEZE
BLOOD OUT OF A TURNIP?
- YEAH, WHO?
- WHAT'S WRONG, MAYNARD?
- WELL, WE'VE BEEN
PARTNERS NOW 10 DAYS.
THAT'S ALMOST A WEEK AND
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING ME USE MY NOSE
FOR ALL KINDS OF MEAN AND
SNEAKY THINGS FOR MONEY.
I MEAN, LIKE, SNIFFING
OUT THEM CHEMICALS
FOR THE KIDS IN THE
CHEMISTRY CLASS
SO THEY GET As ON THEIR
TESTS AND LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, I FEEL EVIL.
- MAYNARD, SWEETHEART,
WOULD I ASK YOU TO DO ANYTHING
THAT WASN'T RIGHT
FOR BOTH OF US?
- UH-HUH.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT,
BUT IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I'M
LOOKING AHEAD TO OUR FUTURE.
AND TO THINK...
YOU DON'T TRUST ME.
["CRYING"]
- OH, DON'T CRY, GIRL, HUH?
- POOR LITTLE ME,
ALWAYS MISUNDERSTOOD.
- LIKE, THERE, THERE.
- I WAS ONLY TRYING
TO MAKE US HAPPY.
- I DIDN'T MEAN NOTHIN', REALLY.
- THEN YOU DO HAVE FAITH IN ME?
- OH, YOU BET.
WHAT KIND OF CAD AND
BOUNDER DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?
- NOW THAT'S BETTER. NOW
LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.
YOUR NOSE HAS AN APPOINTMENT
THAT IS GOING TO
MAKE US A FORTUNE.
- MAYNARD, I CAME TO SAVE YOU.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE,
WHAT'S THE CAPER, PAL?
- MAYNARD, TAKE OFF
THAT SILLY TRENCHCOAT,
YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.
- HA!
- MAYNARD.
- JUST HOLDING UP MY
END OF THE CONVERSATION.
- MAYNARD, IF YOU STAY
HERE, ELSPETH WILL TURN YOU
INTO A CROOK. SHE'LL RUIN YOU.
- NO OFFENSE, DOBE,
BUT YOU'RE ALL WET.
SHE WOULDN'T DO
THAT. SHE LIKES ME.
- BUNK. WITHOUT YOUR NOSE,
SHE WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO YOU.
WITHOUT A NOSE I'D
LOOK PRETTY FUNNY.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
IF YOU CAUGHT A COLD AND
LOST YOUR SENSE OF SMELL,
SHE'D DROP YOU
LIKE A HOT POTATO.
- SHE WOULD?
- SHE WOULD.
- I WOULD NOT.
- SHE WOULD NOT.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
GONNA REGRET THIS.
- AW, DOBE, NO OFFENSE, BUT
SHE WOULD NEVER DO A THING...
- MAYNARD, YOU SNEEZED!
- NOT ME.
- YOU HAVE A COLD!
- OH, YEAH, I GET
THEM ALL THE TIME.
AND THEY STAY A WEEK.
- I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE, WELL,
IT'S LIKE 12 YEARS HAVE I
HAD A STUFFED-UP NOSE.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S AWFUL!
- SEE HOW WORRIED SHE IS, DOBE?
- YEAH, SHE'S WORRIED
ABOUT THE LOSS OF INCOME.
- OH, DOBIE, WHY DON'T YOU
GO RE-ENLIST OR SOMETHING.
MAYNARD, MY PET,
WHEN YOU DO GET A COLD
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR NOSE?
- I SNEEZE THROUGH IT.
- OH, I MEAN...
MAYNARD, WOULD YOU DO
LITTLE OLD ELSPETH A FAVOR?
- ANYTHING, LITTLE OLD ELSPETH.
- CLOSE YOUR EYES, MY PUMPKIN.
- ANYTHING YOU
SAY, MY LITTLE DOLL.
- NOW, SNIFF THIS AND
TELL ME WHAT IT IS?
- OH, THAT'S EASY. THAT'S
A LIVERWURST SANDWICH.
- AND WHAT ABOUT THIS?
- THAT'S A BOTTLE
OF INK, INDELIBLE.
- BACK OFF, DOBIE,
HE'S MY PROPERTY.
NOW, MAYNARD, DO LITTLE
OLD ELSPETH A FAVOR
AND GO AND GET THE
TELEPHONE BOOK OFF THE TABLE,
WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.
- OH.
- THERE'S A LAMB.
- SURE, WITH ME IT'S AS
EASY AS FALLING OFF A DOG.
- OH, MAYNARD, I
COULD STRANGLE YOU!
- DID ANYBODY GET THE
NUMBER OF THAT TRUCK?
- MAYNARD, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- OOH. [GASPING]
OOH. OOH. I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
EVERYTHING SEEMED
TO UP AND BUMP INTO ME.
- WHAT HAPPENED IS YOU BUMPED
YOUR WAY RIGHT OUT OF MY LIFE.
ARRIVEDERCI, CREEP.
- BUT LITTLE ELSPETH...
- BACK OFF, BUSTER.
YOU LOST THE NOSE BIT
AND WITHOUT THAT, YOU'RE
A SEEDY, SHABBY NOTHING.
SEE YOU AROUND, FIDO. [BARKS]
- I'M SORRY YOU
HAD TO FIND THIS OUT
THE HARD WAY, MAYNARD,
BUT IT'S LUCKY YOU CAUGHT
THAT COLD WHEN YOU DID.
- WHAT COLD?
- WHAT COLD?!
THE COLD THAT JUST MADE...
OH, MAYNARD, YOU SLY DOG.
- [BARKS]
- MAYNARD, THIS IS WONDERFUL.
- YEAH, NO MORE OF
UN-HONORABLE LIFE FOR ME.
I'M GONNA TURN OFF MY SUPERNOSE
AND SMELL JUST
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
- NO MORE DETECTIVE AGENCY,
NO MORE SNIFFING
AROUND FOR MONEY.
- NO, I MEAN, I'M JUST GONNA BE
THE OLD SWEET,
LOVABLE OLD MAYNARD.
- RIGHT. AND BEST OF ALL,
YOU'RE RID OF THAT
MONEY-CRAZY ELSPETH.
- TRUE.
- YES, SIR,
FROM HERE ON, MAYNARD,
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
- I'M AFRAID SO,
DOBE, I'M AFRAID SO.
LIKE, HI, DOBE.
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- GONNA INVITE ME
FOR DINNER, AIN'T YA?
YOU'RE HAVING POT ROAST.
- MAYNARD, YOU'VE
BEEN SNIFFING AGAIN.
- OH, NO, DOBE. I TURNED OFF
MY NOSE LIKE I PROMISED YOU.
THE REASON I KNOW
ABOUT THE POT ROAST IS
ON ACCOUNT OF I HEAR YOUR
MOTHER TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE.
YOU'RE GONNA INVITE
ME, HUH, PLEASE?
- HOW CAN YOU HEAR MOM
ON THE PHONE? SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
- YEAH, SURE, SHE'S TALKING
TO HER OLD FRIEND MRS. APPLEBY
AND SHE'S SAYING,
"WE HAVE ENOUGH POT ROAST
FOR HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE.
I DON'T SEE HOW WE'RE
GONNA FINISH IT ALL."
- MAYNARD, YOU CAN HEAR THAT?
- SURE, CAN'T EVERYBODY?
- CAN'T NOBODY, INCLUDING YOU.
- WELL, SURE,
DOBE, FOR INSTANCE,
I CAN HEAR YOUR FATHER
COMING DOWN THE STREET
WHISTLING "YANKEE
DOODLE," OFF-KEY.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
MAKING THIS UP.
NOBODY COULD POSSIBLY...
- [WHISTLING "YANKEE DOODLE"]
- YEAH, OFF-KEY.
- IT'S AMAZING.
- NO, IT'S "YANKEE DOODLE."
- WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT
"YANKEE DOODLE"? WHAT?
- DAD, LISTEN TO ME. MAYNARD
HAS A SENSE OF HEARING
THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- HE HAS?
- HE CAN HEAR VOICES
THROUGH WALLS.
DAD, WE CAN MAKE A FORTUNE.
- YOU MEAN...
- YEAH.
- MAYNARD, HEY...
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]