The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 27 - I Remember Muu Muu - full transcript

- I'M IN LOVE WITH A GIRL
NAMED SUE ELLEN SILNITZER.

NOW, LOVE DOES STRANGE,
WONDERFUL THINGS TO A FELLA.

IT DAZZLES HIS MIND,
IT FILLS HIS HEART.

IT EMPTIES HIS WALLET.

JUST LOOK HOW FALLING
IN LOVE CHANGED ME.

THE MINUTE IT HAPPENED,

I STARTED TO TREAT MY
LOVED ONES DIFFERENTLY.

MY MOTHER, MY FATHER,
MY GOOD BUDDY, MAYNARD.

- DOBE, GOOD BUDDY, THE
WAY YOU TREAT ME IS AWFUL.

- MAYNARD HAD A POINT.

I WAS SO BUSY BEING IN LOVE



THAT I SIMPLY DIDN'T HAVE TIME

TO REMAIN THE SWEET,
KINDLY, CONSIDERATE FELLA

I'VE GROWN TO KNOW AND LOVE,

BUT I COULD NEVER
GET SO INVOLVED

THAT I'D IGNORE MAYNARD,

MY DEAREST, TRUEST,
MOST FAITHFUL FRIEND.

- DOBE, I'M IN DEEP...

- SUE ELLEN.
- TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE...

- SUE ELLEN.
- ROTTEN, FEARFUL TROUBLE,

AND IF YOU DON'T HELP ME,

I'M GOING TO THROW MYSELF
HEADSTRONG OFF A BRIDGE.

- GOOD WORK, MAYNARD.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.

SUE ELLEN, MY ANGEL, WHO SAYS
WE CAN'T BE MARRIED IMMEDIATELY?

YOU SEE THE TERRIBLE
CRIMES THAT A FELLA



CAN COMMIT IN THE NAME OF LOVE?

I IGNORED POOR MAYNARD
WHEN HE NEEDED ME MOST.

AND IF YOU WATCH CLOSELY,

YOU'LL SEE HOW IT GOT
EVERYBODY INTO MORE HOT WATER

THAN A WHOLE PICNIC
OF HARD-BOILED EGGS.

[JAZZ THEME]

REMEMBER IN HISTORY
HOW THEY TAUGHT YOU

THAT NERO PLAYED THE
VIOLIN WHILE ROME BURNED?

WELL, A VIOLIN ISN'T
EXACTLY MY CUP OF TEA,

BUT I WAS MAKING MY OWN
KIND OF BEAUTIFUL MUSIC

WHILE MAYNARD WAS
SETTING FIRE TO MY LIFE.

BUT HERE'S WHAT REALLY BUGS ME.

THAT WHOLE CARLOAD OF
HEADACHES COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED

IF ONLY SOMEBODY HAD
BEEN WILLING TO HELP HIM OUT.

- MAYNARD, I AM WILLING
TO HELP YOU OUT.

JUST SHOW ME WHICH
WAY YOU CAME IN.

- I WAS JUST LEAVING. I
CAME HERE TO TALK TO DOBE,

BUT I KNOW HE AIN'T HERE

BECAUSE IF HE WAS
YOU'D BE HOLLERING AT HIM.

- WELL, DOBIE'S VERY BUSY
THESE DAYS, YOU KNOW.

HE'S THE SECOND ASSISTANT
EDITOR OF THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.

- THAT'S WHAT I WANT
TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT.

I'M TAKING THIS JOURNALISM CLASS

SO I CAN BE A WRITER
FOR A NEWSPAPER,

AND I WANT TO DO GOOD AT IT.

- NATURALLY.
- BUT I'M FLUNKING.

- NATURALLY.
- THANK YOU, MR. G.

YOUR CONFIDENCE IS
INDEED HEARTWARMING.

- DON'T MENTION IT.
- BUT MR. POMFRITT SAYS

IF I WRITE A STORY GOOD
ENOUGH TO GET PRINTED

IN THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER,
HE'LL GIVE ME A PASSING GRADE.

- AND YOU WANT
DOBIE TO HELP YOU.

WELL, I'M SURE HE WILL, HE'S
A VERY COOPERATIVE BOY.

- OH, THAT HE IS.

- AND YOU KNOW HE MUCH
HE LIKES YOU, MAYNARD.

- BECAUSE HE IS NOT TOO BRIGHT.
- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY,

'CAUSE IF DOBE HELPS ME,

HE'LL SAVE ME FROM A FATE
WORSE THAN DEATH, NAMELY WORK.

WORK! I'M GONNA GO SEE
PROFESSOR POMFRITT RIGHT NOW

AND TELL HIM I KNOW I CAN
WRITE A REAL GOOD STORY,

'CAUSE EVERY DAY
MY ENGLISH IS GETTING

MORE BETTERER AND BETTERER.

- TRUE, MR. KREBS. IF YOU
KEEP UP THAT PROGRESS,

YOU MAY SOON REACH
THE HEIGHTS OF ILLITERACY.

- GLORIOSKI! YOU MEAN, I
GOT A CHANCE TO PASS, MR. P.?

- YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT,
MR. K. DEAN MAGRUDER HERE

HAS ASKED ME TO GIVE
YOU ONE LAST CHANCE

BY LETTING YOU WRITE THIS STORY.

- YOU WILL TRY TO DO IT RIGHT
THIS TIME, WON'T YOU, MR. KREBS?

- OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR,
YOU'RE DEANSHIP, YES.

- SEE, KREBS, IT IS IMPORTANT
TO THE ENTIRE SCHOOL

THAT YOU PASS THIS
JOURNALISM COURSE.

- YES, I'M VERY LOVABLE.

- YOU'RE VERY
SOMETHING, MR. KREBS.

NOT ONLY THAT, BUT IF
YOU FAIL ONE MORE COURSE,

YOU WILL SET A STATE RECORD FOR
THE GREATEST NUMBER OF FLUNKS

IN A SINGLE REGULATION
LENGTH SEMESTER.

NOW, THIS IS HARDLY
THE KIND OF HONOR

THIS INSTITUTION IS LOOKING
FOR. NEED I REMIND YOU?

- OH, YOU NEEDN'T.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL DO MY BEST.

I'LL PUT EVERY OUNCE
OF MY HEAD INTO IT.

- THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.

MR. POMFRITT, I LEAVE
THE MATTER IN YOUR HANDS.

COURAGE, MAN.

- MR. KREBS...
- YES, CHIEF?

- THE NEWSPAPER WRITING THAT
WE STUDY IN THIS JOURNALISM CLASS

IS VERY DIFFICULT.

IT'S NOT A GAME FOR
CHILDREN OR BONEHEADS.

- THAT LETS ME OUT TWO WAYS,

BUT PLEASE, WON'T
YOU HELP ME ANYHOW?

- MR. KREBS, YOU ARE FREE TO
LEAVE THIS OFFICE AT ANY MOMENT.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
TO ASK PERMISSION.

WELL, I TRIED.

MR. KREBS, ARE YOU FAMILIAR
WITH VERBS AND ADJECTIVES?

- LIKE, NO.

- NOUNS?
- LIKE, NO.

- ADVERBS?
- LIKE, NO.

- YOU STILL THINK YOU CAN
WRITE A GOOD NEWSPAPER STORY?

- LIKE, NO.
- LIKE, I REST MY CASE.

- LIKE, BYE.

- NO. NO. MR. KREBS, PLEASE.

- YES, SIR?
- COME BACK.

COME BACK, MR. KREBS. YOU
DO DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE.

I BELIEVE THAT. I
REALLY BELIEVE THAT.

FORGIVE ME. SOMETIMES I'M A
BIT HASTY AND THOUGHTLESS.

- NO, YOU AIN'T.
- YES, I AM.

- YES, YOU ARE.

- I SHOULD HAVE QUIT
WHEN I WAS AHEAD.

- YOU BLEW IT, HUH?
- MAYNARD, AT EASE.

NOW, PLEASE, MR. KREBS,

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO TRY TO
RAISE YOUR JOURNALISM GRADE

BY WRITING A STORY FOR
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER,

I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU
SHOULDN'T GIVE IT A TRY.

- THANK YOU, YOUR PROFESSORSHIP.

- OF COURSE, I ALSO SEE NO
REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN'T FLUNK.

- YOU'RE ALL HEART, SIR.

- YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT.
BUT BACK TO YOUR PROBLEM.

NOW, TRY TO PICK A
COLORFUL SUBJECT,

ONE THAT WILL INTEREST
THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY.

- YEAH. HEY, HOW ABOUT IF I
WROTE ABOUT THE FOOTBALL TEAM?

- WELL, NO, EDDIE CLYDE'S
ALREADY TAKEN THAT.

- THE BASKETBALL TEAM?
- DAN GRIMBLE HAS THAT.

- THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT?
- THAT'S ALSO TAKEN.

- WHAT'S OPEN?
- THE ANTHROPOLOGY DEPARTMENT.

- I'M LEAVING.
- MR. KREBS.

- YES, SIR?

- MR. KREBS, WHY DO
YOU GIVE UP SO EASILY?

- AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.

- NO, MR. KREBS, YOU'VE
GOT TO HANG IN THERE, BOY.

NOW ANTHROPOLOGY CAN
BE A FASCINATING SUBJECT.

- YOU MEAN ALL THEM BONES
AND SKELETONS AND FAUCETS?

- THAT'S FOSSILS, AND I'M NOT
GONNA LET YOU BACK DOWN.

NOW, I HAVE EVERY EXPECTATION

THAT YOU CAN DO
AN OUTSTANDING JOB.

- ME? OH, COME NOW.

- AND I KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- YOU? OH, COME NOW.

- NOW, NEVER MIND THAT.

YOU JUST GET OVER THERE
TO DR. BURKHART'S OFFICE

IN ANTHROPOLOGY AND I'M
SURE THAT SHE'LL BE HAPPY

TO GIVE YOU A LEAD ON
THE INTERESTING WORK

THAT THEY'RE DOING THERE.

- HEY, MAYBE IF I
FIND A REAL BIG STORY

IT'LL KEEP ME FROM
FLUNKING, HUH?

- YES.
- A STORY

EVERYBODY WILL WANT TO READ.
- YES.

- YOU DON'T REALLY
MEAN THAT, DO YOU?

- NO.

- NOW, I DON'T WANT TO COP OUT

OF GETTING BLAMED FOR
WHAT HAPPENED TO MAYNARD.

I MEAN, I WANT TO, BUT I
CAN'T. TOO MANY WITNESSES.

BUT IT'S NOT A 100
PERCENT MY FAULT.

TAKE DR. BURKHART, FOR INSTANCE.

- SOMETHING FASCINATING GOING ON
IN THE ANTHROPOLOGY DEPARTMENT?

OH, COME NOW.

- NOTHING, DR. B?
- NOTHING, MR. K.,

AND TAKE OFF THAT
SILLY EYESHADE.

YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE READY TO DEAL.

- HEY, DR. B., WHAT
ABOUT ALL THESE SHIELDS

AND, YOU KNOW, SWORDS
AND SHRUNKEN HEADS?

THEY LOOK LIKE
THEY WERE LEFT OVER

FROM SOMEBODY'S
SKULL-CRACKING WINGDING.

- WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT,

THEY WERE USED
IN BATTLES, BUT...

- LIKE, WOW, WHAT A SCOOP.

RIGHT HERE IN THE
ANTHROPOLOGY DEPARTMENT.

I MEAN, WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?

- MR. KREBS.
- I MEAN...

- MR. KREBS, WHAT IS IT?
- I SCARED MYSELF.

- YOU'VE BEEN SCARING THE
REST OF US ALL SEMESTER.

- LIKE, THANK YOU.
- LIKE, YOU'RE WELCOME.

- LIKE, I'M DEAD.

- LIKE, TRUE. SO ARE THE FELLAS

WHO USED THOSE WEAPONS
FOR ABOUT A THOUSAND YEARS.

- SO I AIN'T GOING TO BE GETTING
NO STORY FOR THE NEWSPAPER,

AND I GOT TO GO OUT AND
FACE THE HARD CRUEL WORLD,

AND VICE VERSA, AND BELIEVE
ME, THAT AIN'T GOING TO BE EASY

FOR EITHER OF US.

- BENEATH THAT
EDUCATION-PROOF EXTERIOR,

STAYING IN SCHOOL MEANS A
GREAT DEAL TO YOU, DOESN'T IT?

- OH, YES, MA'AM, SIR, IT'S A
MATTER OF DEATH AND LIFE.

- INDEED.
- MAYBE BOTH.

- I DO WISH I COULD HELP YOU.

- THEN DON'T JUST STAND THERE,
ZOOM OFF AND GET ME A STORY.

- WELL, MR. KREBS, I'M
ANXIOUS TO DO WHAT I CAN,

BUT I MUST ADMIT THAT WRITING

ABOUT THE ANTHROPOLOGY
DEPARTMENT

ISN'T AS INTERESTING AS
WRITING ABOUT, SHALL WE SAY,

THE FOOTBALL TEAM?

- LIKE, TRUE. BUT I AIN'T ALLOWED
TO WRITE ABOUT FOOTBALL.

I GOT TO WRITE ABOUT
YOU AND ANTHROPOLOGY.

- A PITY.
- HEY, I GOT IT.

- WHAT?

- DR. B., YOU TURN
OUT FOR FOOTBALL.

- ARE YOU FINISHED?
- BOY, AM I FINISHED.

NO SCOOP, NO STORY.

I MEAN, IT'S, LIKE,
BYE-BYE COLLEGE,

HELLO UNEMPLOYMENTSVILLE.

- MR. KREBS, I HAVE AN IDEA

THAT MAY GIVE YOU THE KIND
OF STORY YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

- YEAH? YEAH?

- OF COURSE. WHY DIDN'T
I THINK OF IT BEFORE?

- YEAH. WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?

- MR. KREBS.
- LIKE, OOPS, SORRY.

FIRE WHEN READY. I'M READY. GO.

- NOW, GET THIS STRAIGHT.

MY ANTHROPOLOGY
CLASS IS GOING TO STUDY

THE NATIVE RITUALS OF
THE MARQUESAS ISLANDS.

WE START NEXT FRIDAY.

- GOTCHA. HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?
- M-A-R...

- NO. NO. NO. NO. FRIDAY.

- MR. KREBS, PLEASE, JUST LET ME
TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

- CLUE ME.
- I'M CLUEING.

NOW, INSTEAD OF MERELY
READING FROM BOOKS,

THE CLASS WILL ACTUALLY
RECREATE A NATIVE TAPUA,

A RITUAL CEREMONY.
ISN'T THAT FASCINATING?

- THAT'S THE WORD, FASCINATING.

- AND THE CLASS AND I WILL
WEAR AUTHENTIC COSTUMES

THAT I BROUGHT BACK FROM MY
LAST EXHIBITION TO THE ISLANDS.

OH, THAT'S AN EXCITING
IDEA, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

- I AIN'T SAYING.

- NOW, MR. KREBS,
THIS IS THE REAL THING.

NOTHING PHONY.

- OH, BOY...
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I THINK YOU OUGHT TO
GO OUT FOR FOOTBALL,

SO I CAN WRITE A REAL STORY.

- WE WILL PERFORM CEREMONIAL
DANCES, NOT THE T FORMATION,

AND WE WILL DROP THE
SUBJECT IMMEDIATELY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE
ME, I HAVE WORK TO DO.

OH, STOP STANDING
THERE LIKE A SICK SPANIEL

AND GO WRITE YOUR STORY.

- OKAY, I'LL DO MY BEST, BUT
I'M NO OPTOMETRIST ABOUT IT.

- NO. YOU AIN'T NO STUDENT OF
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE NEITHER,

BUT GIVE IT THE OLD
COLLEGE TRY, MR. KREBS.

WE'RE ALL BEHIND YOU.

HERE'S A PHOTO
ALBUM WITH PICTURES

OF A COUPLE OF MY EXPEDITIONS.

NOW, YOU MIGHT FIND
SOMETHING IN HERE

TO HELP ILLUSTRATE YOUR ARTICLE.

- HEY, DR. B, HOW
ABOUT THIS ONE?

- OH, ANY ONE YOU WANT, MR. K.

I'M AFRAID ALL THE
PICTURES ARE PRETTY BLAH.

- BLAH AIN'T EXACTLY THE
WORD. IT'S MORE LIKE WOW.

- MR. KREBS, THIS MAY TURN OUT

TO BE ONE OF MY MORE
SPECTACULAR MISTAKES,

BUT MAY ONE INQUIRE
WHAT YOU ARE DOING?

- ONE MAY.
- THANK YOU.

- ONE IS WRITING ONE'S STORY
FOR ONE'S SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.

- ONE SEES.

- AND ONE IS MAKING SURE WHAT
ONE IS WRITING IS WRIT RIGHT,

NOT WRIT ROTTEN.

- MR. KREBS, YOU ARE A GEM.
- YEAH. I'M KIND OF CUTE.

- TRUE. BUT WHY ARE YOU
SITTING AT THAT TYPEWRITER?

- YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.

WHOEVER HEARD OF A REPORTER
NOT SITTING AT HIS TYPEWRITER

WHEN HE'S WRITING HIS HOT FLASH?

- BUT YOU'RE NOT TYPING.

- NATURALLY. I DON'T
KNOW HOW TO TYPE.

- BUT YOU'RE SITTING THERE
AT THE TYPEWRITER ANYHOW.

- NATURALLY. WHOEVER
HEARD OF A REPORTER

NOT SITTING AT HIS TYPEWRITER
WHEN HE'S WRITING HIS HOT FLASH?

- MR. KREBS, MAY I
MAKE ONE STATEMENT?

- ONE MAY.
- I SURRENDER.

- WELL, SOONER OR
LATER, ONE ALWAYS DOES.

- HOW'S YOUR STORY COMING?

- GREAT.
- FINE.

- BEAUTIFUL.
- GOOD.

- I NEED HELP.

- NO, MR. KREBS.
UH-UH. NEGATIVE.

NOW, I AM VERY ANXIOUS FOR YOU
TO WRITE AN OUTSTANDING STORY

AND GET IT PRINTED IN
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER

SO I CAN GIVE YOU A PASSING
GRADE IN JOURNALISM,

BUT I CAN GIVE YOU
ABSOLUTELY NO HELP.

- OKAY, MR. P, IF
THOSE ARE THE RULES

AND YOU WANT TO
BE MEAN AND ROTTEN.

MR. P.?
- WHAT NOW?

- HOW MUCH ABSOLUTELY NO
HELP ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME?

- ALL RIGHT, MR. KREBS.

READ ME THE FIRST
SENTENCE IN YOUR STORY,

BUT THAT'S POSITIVELY
AS FAR AS I'LL GO.

- NEXT FRIDAY THERE
WILL BE A VERY NICE

AND INTERESTING DEMONSTRATION IN
A NICE AND INTERESTING CLASSROOM

OF THE NICE AND
INTERESTING DR...

- STOP, MR. KREBS. THOSE
ARE TERRIBLE WORDS.

- I GOT TO WASH OUT
MY MOUTH WITH SOAP?

- NO. NO. I SIMPLY MEAN
THAT THEY ARE FLAT

AND WEAK AND COLORLESS WORDS.

NOW, WHEN WE'RE WRITING
NEWSPAPER STORIES,

WE HAVE TO USE STRONG,
FORCEFUL PHRASES.

NOT DREARY WORDS LIKE NICE.

TAKE THIS DOWNTOWN
NEWSPAPER, FOR INSTANCE.

NOW, IT MAY NOT BE
GREAT LITERATURE,

BUT IT'S BRIMMING OVER WITH
FLAVOR AND SPARK AND EXCITEMENT,

AND THAT'S WHY PEOPLE READ IT.

TAKE FOR INSTANCE
THIS REVIEW OF THE MOVIE

THAT OPENED
YESTERDAY AT THE BIJOU,

"1001 ARABIAN NIGHTS."

- OOH, I SEEN THAT
PICTURE. IT'S REAL NICE.

- THERE'S THAT NOTHING
WORD AGAIN, NICE.

NOW, LOOK AT THE WORDS
THAT THEY USE IN THE PAPER

TO DESCRIBE THE PICTURE.

WILD, UNBRIDLED, PAGAN REVEL,
RAW, PRIMITIVE, PLEASURE-MAD.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND, MR. KREBS?

- YEAH, I GOT TO GO
SEE THAT MOVIE AGAIN.

- THE SAME PRINCIPLE
APPLIES TO ANY SUBJECT.

NOW, LOOK, HERE'S...
HERE IS A STORY

ABOUT THE STATE BEAUTY CONTEST
WITH THE PICTURE OF THE WINNER.

NOW, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE HER?

- NICE. PRETTY. CUTE. MUSCULAR.

- NOW LISTEN TO
THE WORDS THEY USE.

DAZZLING, BEWITCHING,
CAPTIVATING.

- I CAN'T USE ANY OF
THEM WORDS, MR. P.

- WHY NOT?
- CAN'T SPELL THEM.

- THIS IS JUST WHAT YOU NEED,
MR. KREBS. DON'T BE AFRAID.

IN HERE YOU WILL
FIND THE RIGHT WORDS,

AND YOU WILL FIND
HOW TO SPELL THEM.

NOW, I HAVE TO RUSH
OFF TO THE PRINT SHOP.

AFTER YOU FINISH
WRITING YOUR STORY,

IF YOUR FRIEND MR. GILLIS
THINKS IT'S GOOD ENOUGH

TO RUN IN THE SCHOOL
PAPER, IN IT GOES,

AND I WILL GIVE YOU A
PASSING MARK AS I PROMISED.

- MR. P.? MR. P? MR. P.?
- YES.

- YOU ARE EXTREMELY RAW
AND PRIMITIVE AND DAZZLING.

- MR. KREBS, GOODBYE.

- NEXT FRIDAY THERE WILL BE A
VERY NICE AND INTERESTING... OH.

SOME OF THEM WISHY-WASHY WORDS.

LET'S SEE, I BETTER CHANGE
NICE AND INTERESTING TO... YEAH.

WILD, UNBRIDLED,
PLEASURE-MAD, PAGAN REVEL.

YEAH, LET'S SEE.

THE DEMONSTRATION WILL BE PUT
ON BY THE NICE BRAINY DR. IMOGENE...

NICE, BRAINY?

THAT'S EVEN MORE
WASHY AND WISHIER.

I BETTER CHANGE THAT TO...
THE PLEASURE-MAD REVEL

WILL BE PUT ON BY THE DAZZLING,
BEWITCHING, CAPTIVATING

DR. IMOGENE BURKHART. WHOO.

- SO THE STORM CLOUDS
WERE STARTING TO GATHER.

THE DISASTER WAS
STARTING TO GET DISASTROUS.

NOW, ONE FELLOW COULD HAVE
STOPPED ALL THE TROUBLE SIMPLY

BY NOT OKAYING MAYNARD'S STORY.

WHO WAS THAT FELLA? NAMELY ME.

AND WHAT WAS THAT FELLA DOING?

PURSUING HIS FAVORITE
PURSUIT, NAMELY A GIRL.

WHEN MAYNARD SHOVED THAT
STORY IN FRONT OF ME TO SIGN,

ALL I SAW WAS BLUE EYES, GOLDEN
HAIR, AND THE FACE OF AN ANGEL.

NOT MAYNARD'S.

AT A TIME LIKE THAT, I WOULD
HAVE SIGNED A PETITION

TO REDRAFT ME AND
PUT ME ON PERMANENT KP.

YEP, I SIGNED MAYNARD'S STORY,

AND THAT MAKES ME ONE
OF THE GREAT GOOF ARTISTS

OF THE 20th CENTURY.

I MEAN, I MAKE
WRONG-WAY CORRIGAN

LOOK LIKE MR. WONDERFUL.

ON ACCOUNT OF ME,
PROFESSOR POMFRITT

REACHED A RATHER
STARTLING CONCLUSION.

MAYNARD HAD WRITTEN
A READABLE, PRINTABLE,

GRAMMATICAL NEWSPAPER STORY.

- TAKE YOUR STORY AND PHOTOGRAPH

OVER TO THE
PRESSROOM, MR. KREBS.

TELL THEM I SAID IT WAS OKAY
TO RUN IT IN TOMORROW'S EDITION.

- DON'T YOU WANT
TO READ IT FIRST?

I MEAN, MY LITTLE
GEM IS BEAUTIFUL.

- NO. NO. THAT WON'T BE
NECESSARY, MR. KREBS.

I TRUST MR. GILLIS'S JUDGMENT.

AFTER ALL, I APPOINTED
HIM AS ASSISTANT EDITOR

OF THE STUDENT PAPER,

AND I'M AN EXCELLENT
JUDGE OF CHARACTER.

I'M DUE AT THE
GYM IN FIVE MINUTES

FOR THE FACULTY VOLLEYBALL
GAME AND I NEVER MISS IT.

HOW DO YOU THINK I KEEP
THE OLD STOMACH IN SHAPE?

- OVEREATING?
- GOODBYE.

- OH... OH, WHAT A GOOD DAY FOR
THAT LOVABLE NEWSPAPER MAN,

MAYNARD G. KREBS, AND
FOR THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER,

AND FOR THAT TANTALIZING,
ALLURING, SULTRY, VOLUPTUOUS,

DR. IMOGENE BURKHART,

AND FOR THE WHOLE S.
PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.

- THEY MAY JUST BURN DOWN

THE ENTIRE S. PETER
PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE.

- HERBERT, YOU'RE
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

- WINNIE, THIS IS A CONCLUSION
I DO NOT HAVE TO JUMP TO.

I CAN GET THERE BY CRAWLING.

OH, I TELL YOU, WINNIE,

THAT SCHOOL IS A HOTBED OF
MONKEY BUSINESS AND CARRYING ON.

- OH, SLOW DOWN, HERBERT,
WE DON'T KNOW ALL THE FACTS.

- FACTS, SCHMACTS.
WHO NEEDS FACTS?

LISTEN TO THIS. MAD,
UNRESTRAINED REVEL,

UNHARNESSED SAVAGES,
PLEASURE-MAD STUDENTS,

AND GET A LOAD OF THE
PICTURE OF THAT TEACHER.

OH, I WONDER WHAT SHE TEACHES.

LOOK AT THAT, TOPLESS,
BOTTOMLESS, BACKLESS,

HERE LOOK AT IT FOR YOURSELF.

- WELL, HERBERT, EVEN A
TEACHER MAY GO SWIMMING.

- YEAH, AND EVEN A
TEACHER MAY TAKE A BATH,

BUT SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE
HER PICTURE TAKEN DOING IT.

OH, AND TO THINK THAT OUR
SON, THE SON OF HERBERT T. GILLIS,

WITH THE GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL,

IS A STUDENT AT
THAT... THAT FUNHOUSE.

- HERBERT, WHERE
DID YOU GET THIS COPY

OF THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?

- I STOLE IT OUT OF
DOBIE'S LUNCHBOX.

- HERBERT...
- IT WAS FOR HIS OWN GOOD.

OH, WINNIE, WHERE IS
OUR POOR BOY RIGHT NOW?

- WHY, HERBERT, YOU'RE
GOING TO MAKE YOURSELF SICK

IF YOU CARRY ON LIKE THIS.

- I'VE GOT A RIGHT TO
CARRY ON LIKE THIS

IF THEY CAN CARRY ON LIKE THAT.

OH, OUR BOY. OUR POOR, POOR BOY.

- NOW, HERBERT, LISTEN TO ME.

EVEN IF THERE IS SOMETHING
BAD GOING ON AT THE COLLEGE,

I'M SURE THAT DOBIE HAS
ENOUGH STRENGTH TO RESIST IT.

- YOU THINK SO?
- WHY, OF COURSE.

HE TAKES AFTER HIS
FATHER, DOESN'T HE?

- TRUE.

Both: WE BETTER GET
OVER THERE QUICK.

- MR. GILLIS, HAVE YOU READ...
- YOU BET WE HAVE, MRS. GRINDLE.

- IT'S A GOOD THING I STOLE THIS
PAPER FROM MY DAUGHTER'S PURSE,

OR I NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN
WHAT THOSE SNEAKY KIDS WERE UP TO.

WELL, IT WAS FOR HER OWN GOOD.

OH, MY POOR, POOR, BABY.

I KNEW SOME EVIL INFLUENCE
WAS WORKING ON HER,

THE WAY SHE'S
BEEN ACTING LATELY.

- WELL, NO OFFENSE,
BUT IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT

IF SHE'S RUNNING AROUND
WITH THE WRONG CROWD.

RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE SHE
MAY BE OUT FOR ALL YOU KNOW

WITH SOME LOW-DOWN CHARACTER.

- I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.

- SEE?
- SHE'S WITH YOUR SON.

- WELL, OUR BOY IS ONE BOY THAT
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.

HE HAS GREAT INNER STRENGTH
AND CAN RESIST TEMPTATION.

- YOU BET HE CAN.
- I'LL SAY HE CAN.

- LIKE HECK HE CAN.
- HERBERT! HERBERT,

YOU CAN'T JUST RUSH OVER TO
THE COLLEGE LIKE A WILD BULL.

WE HAVE TO HAVE
A PLAN OF ACTION.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, WINNIE.

- WE'LL MARCH STRAIGHT
TO THE DEAN OF THE COLLEGE

AND DEMAND THAT HE
FIRE THIS BURKHART WOMAN.

- RIGHT. AND IF HE WON'T DO
IT, WE'LL GO OVER HIS HEAD.

WE WILL GO HIGHER.

WE WILL GO TO THE
FOOTBALL COACH.

- RIGHT.
- RIGHT.

AND WE GOT PLENTY OF
EVIDENCE HERE TO GET RID OF HER.

WILD PAGAN REVEL.

- MR. GILLIS. MR. GILLIS.
- HERBERT.

- HUH? HUH? WHERE WERE WE?
- ON OUR WAY TO THE COLLEGE.

I WANT TO SEE THE DEAN.

- RIGHT AND I WANT
TO SEE MY DOBIE.

- YEAH, AND I WANT TO
SEE THAT DR. BURKHART.

- HERBERT!
- OH, WHAT I MEAN IS

I WANT TO SEE THAT DR. BURKHART.

- I WANT TO SEE THAT
MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- HAVE NO FEAR, DR. BURKHART.

YOU'LL BE GIVEN EVERY
CHANCE TO DEFEND YOURSELF

AGAINST THE SERIOUS
CHARGES BROUGHT AGAINST YOU.

- YES, BUT WILL MR. KREBS
BE GIVEN EVERY CHANCE

TO DEFEND HIMSELF
AGAINST THE SERIOUS SHOT

IN THE HEAD I'M
GOING TO GIVE HIM?

- DON'T TRY TO PASS
THE BUCK, GIRLY.

- GIRLY? MR. GILLIS, I
HAPPEN TO BE A PH.D.

WITH DEGREES IN ARCHEOLOGY,
ANTHROPOLOGY, AND GEOLOGY

FROM MAJOR UNIVERSITIES
ALL OVER THE WORLD.

- BUT THIS DOESN'T STOP
YOU FROM MONKEYING AROUND

IN YOUR SPARE
TIME, DOES IT, GIRLY?

- OH, DEAN MAGRUDER,
THIS IS EMINENTLY UNFAIR.

I'VE BEEN TEACHING IN THIS
COLLEGE FOR EIGHT YEARS.

THERE'S NO REASON WHY I
SHOULD BE ON TRIAL LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF WORK I DO.

- DEAN MAGRUDER, OUR CHILDREN
ARE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

I CONSIDER IT A GROSS
NEGLECT OF DUTY

THAT YOU'VE ALLOWED THIS
SHOCKING REVEL TO TAKE PLACE.

- IT HASN'T TAKEN PLACE YET.

- BUT WHEN IT DOES, IT
WILL BE A LULU, HUH, GIRLY?

- NO. NO. I ONLY
MEANT... OH, MR. GILLIS,

YOU'VE GOT ME SO ANGRY AND UPSET

I FEEL LIKE SOMETHING
THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

- YOU RANG?

- MR. KREBS, I WOULD
LIKE A WORD WITH YOU.

- SURE, DR. B. I
GOT LOTS OF THEM,

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT?
HOW ABOUT TANTALIZING?

OR PROVOCATIVE? I
GOT IT, PLEASURE MAD.

- MR. KREBS.
- YES, SIR, YOUR HIGHNESS?

- YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR
THIS ARTICLE, ARE YOU NOT?

- YES, SIR, I WROTE
EVERY WORD OF IT.

- AND EVERY WORD OF IT IS A LIE.

- I NEVER SAW THAT
STORY BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

- MAYNARD, TELL US THE TRUTH.

DID DR. BURKHART SAY
THOSE THINGS OR DIDN'T SHE?

- I CANNOT TELL A LIE,
MA'AM. YES, SHE DID.

- NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, MR. KREBS,

DR. BURKHART SAID THAT
SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE,

AND I QUOTE, A RAW,
PRIMITIVE, PAGAN REVEL?

- YES, SIR, SHE DID, ALMOST.

- AHA! IN OTHER WORDS SHE DID
NOT SAY EXACTLY THESE WORDS,

YOU ADMIT THAT.
- I DO?

- OH, LET'S CUT OUT ALL
THIS POLITE SPARRING.

EVERYBODY KNOWS
MAYNARD'S TELLING THE TRUTH.

HE'S TOO STUPID TO LIE.

- THIS INCIDENT HAS
ALREADY STIRRED UP

A GOOD DEAL OF UNPLEASANTNESS,
THANKS TO MR. KREBS.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YES.

THE STATE DIRECTOR OF EDUCATION
HAS PHONED ME THREE TIMES.

I RECEIVED 24 RESIGNATIONS
FROM THE ALUMNI ASSOCIATIONS,

AND DOZENS OF IRATE
PARENTS HAVE CALLED ME.

AND, OH, YES, I'VE BEEN ASKED
TO APPEAR ON "WHAT'S MY LINE?"

SO IT'S IMPERATIVE WE GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS CASE.

I HAVE THE PERFECT SOLUTION.

- YEAH. FIRE THAT ALLURING,
BEWITCHING TROUBLEMAKER.

- OH, NO, MR. GILLIS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE HER
EVERY CHANCE TO PROVE

THAT SHE DIDN'T PLAN THE... THE
REVELS THAT THIS ARTICLE SAYS.

- WELL, CONGRATULATIONS,
DEAN MAGRUDER.

IT'S ABOUT TIME DR. BURKHART HAD
A CHANCE TO SPEAK FOR HERSELF.

- NOT SPEAK,
MR. POMFRITT, DANCE.

- DANCE?
- LIKE, DANCE?

- DANCE. DR. BURKHART, I WANT
YOU TO DEMONSTRATE THE DANCE

FOR US JUST AS YOU
INTEND TO PRESENT IT.

- NO.

- SCARED TO GALLIVANT
AROUND IN FRONT OF THE BOSS

IN THOSE GLORIFIED BVDs, HUH?

- MR. GILLIS, SHAME ON YOU.

- THIS PROVES
THAT SHE IS GUILTY.

OUT SHE GOES, DEANY, OUT. OUT.

- DEAN MAGRUDER, I STAY OR
LEAVE ON MY RECORD AS A TEACHER.

MY DANCING HAS
NO BEARING ON THIS.

- HEAR, HEAR!
- WHERE WHERE?

- PROFESSOR POMFRITT, I ADVISE
YOU TO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY.

SINCE YOU ALLOWED THIS
ARTICLE TO BE PUBLISHED

IN THE FIRST PLACE,

YOUR POSITION IS RATHER
SHAKY FOR THE TIME BEING.

- AND SINCE I WROTE THE ARTICLE,
I'M KIND OF SHAKY TOO, HUH?

- YOURS IS THE
SHAKIEST, MR. KREBS.

TRUE OR NOT, THIS ARTICLE
REFLECTS MOST UNFORTUNATELY

ON THE DIGNITY OF THIS
COLLEGE, AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,

THERE'S ONE MORE PERSON
WHO HAS CONTRIBUTED

TO THIS UNFORTUNATE SITUATION.

- THROW THE BUM OUT.

- THE ASSISTANT EDITOR
OF THE SCHOOL PAPER,

WHO OFFICIALLY OKAYED THE
STORY SO IT COULD BE PRINTED.

- THROW THE BUM OUT.

- HERBERT.
- THROW THE BUM OUT!

- HIS NAME IS DOBIE GILLIS.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.
JUST A DARN MINUTE.

- I'M NOT GOING TO
FIGHT THIS ANYMORE.

IF THE ADMINISTRATION
OF THIS COLLEGE

HAS SO LITTLE CONFIDENCE
IN ITS TEACHERS

THAT IT REFUSES TO TAKE
A FIRM STAND ON THIS ISSUE,

THEN IT ISN'T THE
SORT OF COLLEGE

WITH WHICH I CARE
TO BE ASSOCIATED.

I QUIT.

- WELL, IF WE TEACHERS
ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SHIVER

IN OUR BOOTS EVERY TIME
SOME NEIGHBORHOOD CRACKPOT,

NO OFFENSE, MR. GILLIS, GETS A
COCKEYED IDEA, THEN I QUIT TOO.

- ME TOO.

- MR. KREBS, A
STUDENT CAN'T QUIT.

- THEN I FLUNK. IT'S
MORE NATURAL ANYHOW.

- I'LL SECOND THAT.

- I'LL BE BACK FOR THE REST
OF MY THINGS TOMORROW.

- DR. BURKHART, EXCUSE ME.

IS THIS THE COSTUME THAT
YOU WERE PLANNING TO WEAR

FOR THE DANCE?

- YES AND MY STUDENTS WERE GOING
TO WEAR THE SAME SORT OF THING.

- HERBERT, THIS IS THE
SHOCKING GARMENT

THAT YOU'VE BEEN
COMPLAINING ABOUT.

- WELL, I...

- WHY, THAT WOULD COVER
A DOZEN DANCING GIRLS.

- PROBABLY EVEN 10.

- I REALLY DID EXPECT
SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

- AND ALL THEY'RE GOING TO
DO IS SHUFFLE AROUND THUSLY.

- OH, DR. BURKHART, MY
HUSBAND OWES YOU AN APOLOGY,

DON'T YOU, HERBERT?

- OH, WINNIE.
- DON'T YOU, HERBERT?

- OH, WELL, I'M SORRY.

I GUESS I WAS KIND OF MISERABLE.

- I'LL BUY THAT.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE
THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT

BEFORE YOU STARTED
YELLING AND COMPLAINING.

- DR. BURKHART, YOU WERE RIGHT.

YOU'VE BEEN A FINE TEACHER,

AND THAT'S ALL THAT
COUNTS, OF COURSE.

SO PLEASE STAY
HERE WITH US, HUH?

- PLEASE? I'M GETTING
PRETTY MISTY, DR. B.

- VERY WELL, DEAN. I'LL STAY.

AND WHAT'S MORE, YOU'RE ALL
INVITED TO MY CLASS ON FRIDAY.

WE'RE HAVING A DANCE.
- THANK YOU, MISS BURKHART.

- YEP, IT LOOKED LIKE MAYNARD
WAS OUT OF THE WOODS.

HOWEVER, LET ME POINT OUT

THAT'S WHAT LITTLE
RED RIDING HOOD SAID,

BUT THE WOLF HAD
DIFFERENT IDEAS.

YOU SEE, THE DECISION HAD
TO BE MADE ON DR. BURKHART'S

WILD, PRIMITIVE, PAGAN DANCE.

- THIS DANCE IS CALLED A
HAYO, OR A MARRIAGE RITUAL.

- THIS IS WHAT I MADE
ALL THE FUSS ABOUT?

- LIKE, TRUE.

MY AUNT WALTER DOES A
RACIER DANCE THAN THAT.

- I GOT SUCH A BIG MOUTH.
- LIKE, TRUE.

- DON'T AGREE SO QUICK.

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MR. G.?
YOU LOOK, LIKE, DISAPPOINTED.

- WHO ASKED YOU?

- MR. G.? MR. G.?

- HUH? WHAT? WHAT?

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- YOU'RE RIGHT, MAYNARD,
I'M DISAPPOINTED.