The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 25 - An American Strategy - full transcript
Dobie lands a job at Lumpkin Lumber through the influence of his girlfriend Gloria, but when the boss' brash daughter takes a shine to him, Dobie sees a chance to climb the corporate ladder to success.
- DOBIE! DOBIE, WAKE UP.
- WHAT, WHEN, WHERE?
- DOBIE.
- OH, GLORIA.
I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.
THEY TOLD ME TO
WAIT OUT HERE AND...
- I WAS JUST PICKING
UP THE COFFEE THINGS
IN MR. ERDLATZ'S OFFICE.
- MR. ERDLATZ THE
GENERAL MANAGER?
- YES, AND THEY WERE TALKING
ABOUT YOUR APTITUDE TEST.
- OH, I GUESS I GOOFED, HUH? I
NEVER CAN DO THOSE THINGS.
IN THE FIRST PLACE THEY'RE
SILLY, IDIOTIC, RIDICULOUS...
- NO, YOU MADE A TERRIFIC SCORE.
- YEAH, BUT YOU GOT TO
ADMIT THEY'RE ACCURATE.
- I HEARD THEM SAY
YOU JUST MISSED 90%.
- 90%.
- OH, GILLIS, THERE YOU ARE.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST.
- CONGRATULATIONS, OLD
MAN, YOU MADE THE TEAM.
- OH, THANK YOU,
MR. ERDLATZ, THANK YOU.
- DON'T THANK ME. THANK GLORIA.
- WE'VE BEEN HAVING DOBIE
GILLIS WITH OUR DONUTS ALL WEEK.
IT WAS EITHER HIRE YOU OR
LOSE THE BEST LITTLE COFFEE GIRL
WE'VE EVER HAD AROUND LUMPKIN.
- YES, SIR, SHE'S BEEN
AN INSPIRATION, SIR.
WELL, WHERE DO I
START, SIR? PRODUCTION?
I'VE GOT A LOT OF ZINGY IDEAS
HOW TO DOUBLE THE OUTPUT, SIR.
- WELL, NO, GILLIS, IT
WON'T BE PRODUCTION.
- PERSONNEL MANAGEMENT,
PUBLIC RELATIONS,
THE QUICKER I GET AN OVERALL
GRASP OF THE BIG PICTURE...
- NO, GILLIS, NOW
AS A MATTER OF FACT
I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN
OUR CUT BOARD RESIDUE
COLLECTION AND
RELOCATION PROGRAM.
- OH, SOUNDS LIKE
A CHALLENGE, SIR.
WHAT DO I DO?
- YOU SWEEP UP THE SAWDUST
AND PUT IT IN THE FURNACE.
- I'M A JANITOR?
- GLAD TO HAVE
YOU ABOARD, GILLIS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- SO I TOOK A JOB AT
THE LUMBER COMPANY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,
IF I WANTED TO BE A JANITOR
I COULD HAVE STAYED HOME
AND SWEPT DAD'S GROCERY STORE.
THE DIFFERENCE IS AT THE
LUMBER COMPANY YOU GET PAID
AND BESIDES, IT WAS A CHALLENGE.
I WASN'T GONNA BE
A JANITOR FOR LONG
BECAUSE THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,
NOTHING CAN HOLD YOU BACK
AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT AMBITION,
DRIVE AND INITIATIVE. I
WAS ON MY WAY TO THE TOP.
WHAT COULD STOP ME?
- STOP!
- HI, MR. ERDLATZ.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT IS THIS THING?
- JUST A LITTLE CONVEYOR
BELT I RIGGED UP, SIR.
IT CUTS SAWDUST BURNING
TIME DOWN 3.7 SECONDS.
- JUST A MINUTE, GILLIS.
DO I UNDERSTAND YOU
CONSTRUCTED THIS CONTRAPTION
ON YOUR OWN INITIATIVE?
- YES, SIR, JUST AN EXPERIMENT.
- WELL, GET IT OUT OF HERE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?
- BUT, SIR, IT DIDN'T COST
YOUR COMPANY A CENT.
I GET MY POWER FROM
THIS OLD BAND SAW.
- BAND SAW? BAND SAW?
SO THIS IS WHERE IT IS.
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
THIS THING ALL OVER THE PLANT.
GILLIS, DO YOU
REALIZE YOU'VE COST US
A WHOLE MORNING'S PRODUCTION
ON THE ORANGEWOOD CUTICLE STICKS?
- BUT I THOUGHT THAT...
- YOU'RE NOT
BEING PAID TO THINK!
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
YOU'RE NOT BEING PAID.
I'M DOCKING YOU ONE
DAY'S WAGES FOR THIS.
- YEAH, BUT, SIR...
- AND GET RID OF
THIS MONSTROSITY!
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT MR. ERDLATZ?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?
- OH, GILLIS, OH, THAT DOES IT.
- YOU MEAN...
- I MEAN YOU'RE FIRED!
GILLIS, TAKE TWO LAPS
AROUND THE FURNACE
AND TURN IN YOUR BROOM.
- MR. ERDLATZ, PLEASE,
HE WAS JUST TRYING
TO SHOW INITIATIVE, SIR.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN
THE CAFETERIA OR SOMETHING?
IT'S ALMOST LUNCHTIME.
- YES, SIR, I'M JUST GOING.
OH, AND BY THE WAY,
THE BOSS'S DAUGHTER
IS LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
- I FORGOT ABOUT HER.
- OH, MR. ERDLATZ,
HOW ABOUT HIM?
- YEAH, HOW ABOUT HIM, HUH?
- MR. ERDLATZ, GIVE
HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.
AFTER ALL, HE DID GET A GOOD
GRADE ON HIS APTITUDE TEST.
- WHOEVER TOLD YOU THAT
IS DINGY AS A CLOCK SHOP.
- WELL, I HEARD YOU
SAY SO YOURSELF.
- ME?
- WELL, YOU SAID
HE JUST MISSED 90%.
- I SAID HE MISSED
90% OF THE QUESTIONS.
- YOU MEAN...
- I MEAN
ACCORDING TO OUR FIGURES
YOU'VE GOT AN IQ ABOUT 8.7.
THAT'S JUST TWO DECIMAL POINTS
LOWER THAN A GARTER SNAKE.
- ALL RIGHT, SO I
GOT A LITTLE MIXED UP
ON THE TRUE AND FALSE PART.
- HE ALWAYS PUTS THE
Xs IN THE WRONG PLACE.
- YEAH.
- OH, BESIDES, MR. ERDLATZ,
IT'S PRACTICALLY INHUMAN TO FIRE
SOMEBODY AFTER JUST TWO DAYS.
- YEAH, WELL,
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
BESIDES, IF I FIRE
HIM, WHO'LL HIRE HIM?
HE'LL BECOME A PUBLIC CHARGE
AND THERE GO THE TAXES AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, GILLIS,
YOU'RE STILL ON THE TEAM.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
- DON'T THANK ME, THANK GLORIA.
SHE SAVED YOUR JOB FOR
YOU, BUT IT'S THE LAST TIME.
FROM NOW ON YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
ONE MORE FUMBLE,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE GAME.
- NOW DON'T WORRY, DOBIE.
- ME, WORRY? IT'S LITTLE
SETBACKS LIKE THIS
THAT MAKE ME ALL THE MORE
DETERMINED TO CLAW MY WAY
TO THE TOP EVEN IF
MR. ERDLATZ DOES THINK
I'M SOME SORT OF A SCROUNGY,
LOWDOWN, KNUCKLEHEADED SCHNOOK.
- YOU RANG?
LIKE, HI, DOBE,
LIKE, HI, GLORIA,
HOW'S THE BIG LUMBER TYPHOON?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S TYCOON
AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- MAN, DOBE, YOU SURE
ARE GETTING FORGETFUL.
YOU LEFT YOUR LUNCH
RIGHT ON THE TABLE.
YOUR MOM SENT ME OVER WITH IT.
- OH, THANKS A LOT,
MAYNARD. I'M AWFUL HUNGRY.
- I'M NOT.
- YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?
- HM-MM.
- HOW COME?
- I JUST ATE YOUR LUNCH.
- MAYNARD!
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DOBIE.
YOU CAN HAVE LUNCH
WITH ME IN THE CAFETERIA.
- BUT AREN'T YOU...
- I'LL BE FINISHED
SERVING IN HALF AN HOUR.
WE'LL PRACTICALLY HAVE THE
WHOLE PLACE TO OURSELVES.
I'LL FIX IT UP WITH THE COOK.
- OH, THAT'S TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
- BUT I WANT TO.
IT'LL BE A LITTLE PARTY, A LITTLE
WELCOME TO LUMPKIN PARTY.
[YARD WHISTLE] THE
WHISTLE! I'VE GOTTA FLY.
SEE YOU IN THE
CAFETERIA IN 30 MINUTES.
- YOU KNOW, DOBE,
I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D EVER SAY THIS ABOUT
A GIRL BUT THAT GLORIA,
SHE'S LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
I MEAN, SHE'S SWEET AND
KIND AND GOOD AND HELPFUL
AND IF YOU WANNA GO FOR
HER, YOU GOT MY BLESSING.
- IS THAT YOU TALKING?
YOU, MAYNARD G. KREBS?
- LOOK, DOBE, THIS IN
NO WAY CONSTITUTES
AN ENDORSEMENT
OF GIRLS IN GENERAL,
JUST THIS ONE PARTICULAR CHICK
AND I SAY IF YOU WANNA
GO STEADY WITH HER, GO.
- WELL, TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, MAYNARD,
WE'RE PRACTICALLY
GOING STEADY NOW.
WE'VE BEEN OUT TWO NIGHTS
IN A ROW AND I LIKE HER.
I'M GETTING SICK OF
DIFFERENT GIRLS ALL THE TIME.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT'S FOR THE BIRDS.
IT'S... WOW.
- IT'S WOW?
- BOY, IS IT WOW.
- HELLO, MISS LUMPKIN, CAN
I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?
- AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES.
MOTHER IS HOLDING HER ANNUAL
GIVE A BASKET TO THE
POOR CHARITY BAZAAR
AND WE NEED SOME LUMBER
TO BUILD THE BOOTHS.
- WHY, OF COURSE, MISS LUMPKIN.
JUST PICK OUT ANYTHING YOU WANT
AND I'LL HAVE IT SENT
OVER AFTER LUNCH.
- BUT CAN'T I TAKE IT NOW? I
BROUGHT THE STATION WAGON.
ALL I NEED IS ONE MAN
TO COME ALONG AND HELP.
- HELLO, MAY I BE OF SERVICE?
- EXCUSE ME.
YOU VOLUNTEERING?
- YEAH.
- NO OVERTIME.
- YEAH.
- YOU'LL HAVE TO GO WAY UP TO
MISS LUMPKIN'S HOUSE WITH HER.
- YEAH.
- I'VE GOT YOUR MAN
FOR YOU, MISS LUMPKIN.
- OH, THANK YOU, MR. ERDLATZ.
I'LL GO GET THE STATION WAGON.
- HEY, DOBE, HOW COME?
- HOW COME WHAT, MAYNARD?
- HOW COME YOU'RE
GETTING ALL GUSSIED UP?
- WHO KNOWS, MAYNARD,
WE MIGHT HAVE TO STOP FOR A BITE
SOMEWHERE, A BOTTLE AND A BIRD.
IT IS LUNCHTIME, YOU KNOW.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT GLORIA?
- GLORIA WHO?
- GLORIA WHO? GLORIA WHO
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FORGET
BECAUSE SHE'S SO NICE TO YOU.
- DON'T BE FUNNY, MAYNARD,
I KNOW WHO GLORIA IS.
I JUST WASN'T
LISTENING, THAT'S ALL.
- YEAH, GLORIA WHO
WAS GONNA GIVE YOU
A NICE LITTLE WELCOME TO
LUMPKIN PARTY IN ABOUT...
- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
STOP WITH THE GLORIA WHO?
JUST BECAUSE SHE GOT ME A JOB
YOU ACT LIKE WE'RE GOING
STEADY OR SOMETHING.
- BUT YOU SAID THAT YOU...
- MAYNARD, I'M DONATING
MY LUNCH HOUR TO CHARITY.
IS THAT A CAPITAL OFFENSE?
- I BET YOU WOULDN'T BE
DONATING NO LUNCH HOUR
IF IT WAS FOR SOME POOR OLD LADY
INSTEAD OF THAT
SLICK SOCIETY CHICK
WHOSE FATHER'S GONNA MAKE
YOU INTO A BIG LUMBER BABOON.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S TYCOON.
- NO, IN YOUR CASE, BABOON.
- AND DO YOU REALLY THINK
I'D DOUBLE-CROSS A NICE GIRL
LIKE GLORIA JUST TO GET TO
THE TOP IN THE LUMBER BUSINESS?
[WHISTLES]
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.
- NOW, YOU JUST GO OVER TO
THE CAFETERIA AND TELL GLORIA.
- TELL HER WHAT?
- TELL HER THE TRUTH.
YEAH, TELL HER I'M
HELPING A POOR, OLD LADY.
- YEAH, BUT DOBE,
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT
FOR THAT POOR OLD LADY.
- GO, MAYNARD.
- NO, DOBE,
I KNOW THEM SNEAKY
SOCIETY TYPES.
- SO LONG, MAYNARD.
- SHE'LL CREAM YOU LIKE
CAULIFLOWER, GOOD BUDDY.
- GOODBYE ALREADY AND TRUST ME.
AH, MY DEAR.
- EXCUSE ME, THERE
WAS A WORKER...
- I JUST SLIPPED INTO SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT MORE COMFORTABLE.
- YOU'RE...
- YEAH, DOBIE GILLIS
AT YOUR SERVICE.
- WELL, YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE.
- AND YOU ARE THE SUN,
THE MOON, THE
STARS, ALL MIRACLES
AND LEGENDS
INCARNATE IN FORM DIVINE.
- CORNY, BUT CUTE.
- YOUR EYES ARE PEEK HOLES
IN THE WALLS OF
HEAVEN, YOUR TEETH,
THE TINY KEYS OF
SOME ELFIN CELESTE.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
- SPEAK TO ME, SWEET LIPS.
- YOU'RE SO FAR OUT YOU'RE
PRACTICALLY BACK IN AGAIN.
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS
GONNA BE A DULL SUMMER.
- TO WORK.
WELL, LIKE I SAID, ALL YOU
NEED TO CLAW YOUR WAY UP
THAT OLD LADDER OF SUCCESS
IS AMBITION, DRIVE, INITIATIVE
AND AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.
ALSO IT DOESN'T HURT TO GET
CLOSE TO THE BOSS'S DAUGHTER.
- OH, YES, DEFINITELY, YES.
- YOU MEAN...
- YOU FIT INTO MY PLANS.
YOU'RE SO...
- DEBONAIR?
- WELL, NO.
- DANGEROUS?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
- CHARMING, DEVIL-MAY-CARE.
- OBSOLETE.
- OBSOLETE?
- WHAT I MEAN IS THEY DON'T
MAKE BOYS LIKE YOU ANYMORE.
- THANKS A LUMP.
- WELL, YOU'RE SO
HOMEY AND COMFY,
LIKE, DEEP DISH
APPLE PIE, GALOSHES.
- IS THAT GOOD?
- OH, FOR ME THAT'S GOOD.
- PAMELA?
- OVER HERE, DADDY.
- GOOD, GOOD, I SEE
YOU GOT THE LUMBER.
- THANKS TO MR. GILLIS.
DOBIE, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MY FATHER.
- OH, WELL, HOW DO YOU DO...
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- MR. GILLIS, DID YOU HAVE MUCH
TROUBLE GETTING IT UP HERE?
- ALL IT TOOK WAS A LITTLE
AMBITION, DRIVE AND INITIATIVE.
- AMBITION AND DRIVE?
- MR. GILLIS WORKS
FOR YOU, DADDY.
AND THIS IS MY MOTHER.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- AND JUST WHAT DO YOU DO
AT THE COMPANY, MR. GILLIS?
- HE'S A JANITOR.
- OH.
- BUT HE WON'T BE FOR
LONG, WILL HE, DADDY?
- WELL, I...
- OH, PAMELA, I DO WISH
YOU'D GET OVER THIS
PYGMALION COMPLEX OF YOURS.
A JANITOR, REALLY.
- I WAS JUST TELLING MR. GILLIS
ABOUT YOUR GIVE A BASKET
TO THE POOR CHARITY BAZAAR.
- AND I HOPE IT'S A
GREAT SUCCESS, MA'AM.
- WELL, IF IT IS I SHALL
SEE TO IT PERSONALLY
THAT YOUR FAMILY
GETS A NICE, FULL ONE.
- I DON'T THINK YOU
UNDERSTAND, MOTHER.
MR. GILLIS IS GOING
TO BE MY ESCORT.
- HE IS?
- HE IS?
- I AM?
- OH, YOU MOST DEFINITELY ARE.
- A JANITOR. OH, DEAR.
THE PAPERS, OUR SOCIAL
POSITION. THIS WILL NEVER DO.
- WELL, THAT'S
WHAT I WAS THINKING,
ABOUT PUTTING MR. GILLIS
IN THE JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
TRAINING PROGRAM.
- JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
TRAINING PROGRAM?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE IT IS THE
ONLY ANSWER, WOODROW?
- OH, I SUPPOSE I CAN
HAMMER HIM IN SOMEWHERE.
WE BETTER GO HAVE A
TALK WITH MR. ERDLATZ.
- I'M SURE HE'LL BE DELIGHTED.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOUR NAME WAS?
- DOBIE GILLIS.
- DOBIE GILLIS?
- HE DOESN'T SOUND TOO...
- OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING. YOU SEE?
- WELL, GILLIS, I JUST TOLD
MR. ERDLATZ THE GOOD NEWS
AND HE'S VERY HAPPY.
RIGHT, C.J.?
- WELL, HAPPY ISN'T
EXACTLY THE WORD.
- JUST GIVE ME THE
BALL, SIR, I'LL HIT THE LINE.
I'LL SMASH THROUGH
FOR A TOUCHDOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, KID,
TIME OUT, TIME OUT.
NOW THE GAME DOESN'T
START TILL AFTER LUNCH.
SEE ME IN MY OFFICE AT 1:00.
- YES, SIR.
GEE, PAMELA, I'LL NEVER
FORGET YOU FOR THIS.
- OH, THIS IS JUST
THE BEGINNING.
I'VE GOT PLANS FOR
YOU, DOBIE, BIG PLANS.
SEE YOU TONIGHT?
- TONIGHT?
THAT'LL BE...
- THAT'LL BE WHAT?
- THAT'LL BE FINE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, TYING MY SHOE. I CAN'T
STAND UNTIED SHOELACES.
IT'S KIND OF A MANIA WITH ME.
- UH-HUH, IT MUST BE.
- OH, IT IS, IT IS.
- YOU'RE WEARING LOAFERS.
- WHAT?
- OH, SO I AM. SO I AM.
- SEE YOU AT 8:00.
- SEE YOU AT 8:00.
- NUTTY AS A CHI
CHI BIRD, BUT CUTE.
- OH, HI, GLORIA.
- DID YOU LOSE SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, NO, LOOK, GLORIA.
- MAYNARD TOLD ME.
- TOLD YOU?
- HELPING A POOR OLD LADY
WITH THE CHARITY BAZAAR.
OH, DOBIE, I THINK
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- I AM?
- JUST FOR THAT YOU GET
HOMEMADE FUDGE TONIGHT.
- TONIGHT?
- WELL, YOU DID SAY YOU WERE
COMING AT 8:00, DIDN'T YOU?
- 8:00?
- OH, IS THAT TOO EARLY?
- WELL, NO, NO, IT'S FINE
EXCEPT, WELL, YOU SEE, I...
- DOBIE, INSTEAD OF
MAKING IT 8:00 TONIGHT,
LET'S MAKE IT 7:30.
WE'LL CATCH DADDY RIGHT AFTER
DINNER WHEN HE'S FULL OF FOOD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER TOO
SOON TO START THINKING
ABOUT ANOTHER PROMOTION.
- THAT'LL BE FINE, PAMELA.
- SEE YOU THEN.
- LOOK, GLORIA,
TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- I DO. I DO, I UNDERSTAND GOOD.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
THERE I WAS WITH TWO GIRLS
MORE OR LESS APE ABOUT ME.
ON THE ONE HAND
WAS GLORIA MUNDY,
ONE OF THE SWEETEST
KIDS WHO EVER HIT THE PIKE
AND ON THE OTHER HAND
THERE WAS PAMELA LUMPKIN
AND IF YOU DON'T THINK
SHE'S GOT HER POINTS
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
PAYING ATTENTION.
IF I TAKE PAMELA OUT
I'M A HEEL TO GLORIA.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IF I TAKE GLORIA OUT...
- YOU'RE A JANITOR AGAIN.
- BELIEVE ME, PAMELA,
SHE'S JUST AN OLD FRIEND.
DON'T YOU TRUST ME?
- NOT TO GIVE YOU A
SHORT ANSWER BUT, NO!
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SEEING THAT GLORIA.
- BELIEVE ME, PAMELA,
SHE'S JUST AN OLD...
- GILLIS?
- OH, HELLO, MISS LUMPKIN.
GILLIS, DID YOU PROCESS
THOSE PERSONNEL
RECOMMENDATIONS I ASKED FOR?
- OH, YES, SIR, I WHIPPED
THEM UP THIS MORNING.
HERE THEY ARE, SIR.
- GOOD, VERY GOOD. KEEP
THE FRONT LINE, GILLIS.
KEEP HITTING IT HARD,
YOU'LL MAKE THE VARSITY YET.
GILLIS...
I UNDERSTAND
THERE'S TO BE A PRIZE
FOR THE BEST COSTUME TONIGHT.
- TONIGHT?
- YEAH, THE CHARITY BAZAAR.
I HOPE NOBODY ELSE IS
GOING AS KING HENRY VIII.
- HENRY VIII, YOU, SIR?
- YEAH, NOW, GILLIS, I
UNDERSTAND MISS LUMPKIN
IS GOING AS CLEOPATRA,
YOU LUCKY DOG.
GLORIA, I DON'T WANNA
TELL YOU YOUR BUSINESS
BUT THE CUP GOES
UNDERNEATH THE SPIGOT.
- HERE'S YOUR COSTUME.
AND TRY TO BE THERE
A LITTLE EARLY TONIGHT
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T
BE A BIT SURPRISED
IF DAD HAD SOME
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.
- GOOD NEWS?
- ANOTHER LITTLE
PROMOTION COMING UP.
[GASPS]
- MAYNARD, DON'T
FRIGHTEN MISS LUMPKIN.
AU REVOIR, MY DEAR.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE,
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
- IT'S MY COSTUME FOR
THE CHARITY BAZAAR
MRS. LUMPKIN'S GIVING TONIGHT.
- BIZARRE, I LIKE
PARTIES BETTER.
- MAYNARD, A BAZAAR IS A PARTY.
- WHAT DO YOU KNOW, CAN I COME?
- I'M SORRY, MAYNARD,
IT'S INVITATION ONLY.
- OH, I DON'T MEAN,
LIKE, JOIN IN THE FUN
WITH THE RICH PEOPLE
AND BE SOCIALLY ACCEPTED.
I MEAN, LIKE, PEAK
THROUGH THE BUSHES?
- OH, WELL, I GUESS
THAT'D BE ALL RIGHT.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, DOBE.
HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?
- YOU CAN THANK ME
BY NOT BUGGING ME
DURING BUSINESS HOURS.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT ANYHOW?
- I'M SORRY, DOBE,
BUT I HAD TO SEE YOU.
- WHAT FOR?
- DON'T YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- LOOK AT MY FEET.
I'M NOT WEARING MY SNEAKERS.
I'M WEARING MY OLD ARMY SHOES
WITH THE REAL HARD TOES.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- HERE'S WHY.
- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
- THAT'S FOR BEING A
DIRTY RAT DOUBLE CROSSER,
AND TWANGING ON GLORIA
MUNDY'S HEARTSTRINGS
LIKE THEY WERE STRUNG
ON A BUSTED-DOWN ZITHER.
- NOW, MAYNARD,
YOU CUT THAT OUT.
I'M NOT EITHER TWANGING ON
GLORIA MUNDY'S HEARTSTRINGS.
- OH, NO? THEN HOW
COME SHE'S OUT IN THE HALL
POURING COFFEE ALL OVER HER FEET
JUST BECAUSE YOU DROPPED
HER LIKE A HOT TOMATO?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S HOT POTATO.
AND WHO ELECTED YOU
MISS LONELYHEARTS ANYHOW?
- AH, DOBE, I JUST HATE
TO SEE YOU PACK IN
LIKE, A REAL HUMAN BEING
LIKE GLORIA FOR SOME SLINKY
SOCIETY CHICK WHO'S GONNA BOOST
YOU UP THE LADDER OF SUCCESS
AND MAKE YOU GO...
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
IN THE FIRST PLACE SHE'S
NO SLINKY SOCIETY CHICK
AND IN THE SECOND
PLACE IT JUST SO HAPPENS
I'M VERY FOND OF PAMELA,
AND IN THE THIRD PLACE
WHY SHOULDN'T SHE
GIVE ME A HELPING HAND?
LET'S FACE IT, I NEED
ALL THE HELP I CAN GET.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- I DON'T HAVE ANY
SPECIAL SKILLS OR TALENTS.
- TRUE, TRUE.
- DON'T AGREE SO FAST.
- ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
THAT IF PAMELA LIKES ME
AND WANTS TO HELP MY CAREER,
WHY SHOULDN'T I LET HER?
I MIGHT NEVER GET A
BREAK LIKE THIS AGAIN.
- I APOLOGIZE, DOBE,
FOR THINKING ALL THOSE
MEAN AND ROTTEN THINGS.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
YOUR VOTE OF
CONFIDENCE COMES AT A...
- GILLIS, ABOUT THESE
PERSONNEL REPORTS HERE.
- OH, SOMETHING WRONG, SIR?
- OH, NO, THEY'RE ALL FINE,
ALL ACCEPT THIS LAST ONE,
THIS GLORIA MUNDY.
IT'S KIND OF UNUSUAL
TO TRANSFER A WAITRESS
TO OUR SOUTH AMERICAN PLANT.
YOU WOULDN'T BE TRYING
TO GET RID OF GLORIA MUNDY
FOR ANY REASON, NOW, WOULD YOU?
- NO, SIR, NO, I JUST THOUGHT
THE CHANGE MIGHT DO HER GOOD.
NOTHING LIKE FIVE OR SIX YEARS
IN THE TROPICS TO PUT ROSES
IN A GIRL'S CHEEKS.
- YEAH, WELL, WHEN
I TOLD HER ABOUT IT
SHE DROPPED A WHOLE
TRAY OF JELLY DONUTS.
- YEAH, I'M SORRY, SIR, I...
- THEY'RE ALL FINE HERE,
ALL ACCEPT MISS MUNDY.
I THINK WE'LL KEEP HER IN
THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE.
- OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
- LIKE, ADIOS, RAT.
- OH, GILLIS, I'D LIKE TO HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU, GILLIS,
BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE.
- YES, SIR.
- I'VE BEEN CHECKING
WITH MR. ERDLATZ
CONCERNING YOUR
PROGRESS, GILLIS.
- YES, SIR.
- WHY, IT'S PHENOMENAL, MY
BOY, PHENOMENAL, YES, SIR.
YOU'VE GOT LUMBER IN YOUR BLOOD.
- THANK YOU, SIR, THANK YOU.
- AS A MATTER OF
FACT I WAS THINKING
THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY,
PROVIDING YOU
AND PAMELA
CONTINUE TO HIT IT OFF,
WELL, YOU COULD BE...
- WOODROW?
- YES, SIR?
YOU WERE SAYING, SIR?
- OH, IT CAN WAIT TILL LATER.
HERE COME THE
LADIES, BLESS THEM.
MY, DON'T YOU LOOK
NICE, BOTH OF YOU.
- GOOD EVENING, MRS. LUMPKIN,
GOOD EVENING, PAMELA, MY SWEET.
- COME ALONG, WOODROW.
THE GUESTS ARE
ARRIVING. YOU, TOO, PAMELA.
- I'LL BE THERE
IN JUST A MINUTE.
- DOBIE, DEAR, WHY DON'T YOU GO
GET YOURSELF SOMETHING TO EAT?
- OH, GOOD IDEA.
- GLORIA? GLORIA,
YOU'RE WORKING HERE?
- WHY NOT? I'M A WAITRESS, TRUE?
- GLORIA, GLORIA.
- MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
- GLORIA, I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH YOU.
- SOME CAVIAR, PÂTÉ
DE FOIE GRAS, CHEESE?
- GLORIA, I KNOW YOU THINK
I'M JUST A RAT IN A MOUSE SUIT.
- GILLIS, COME OVER HERE, I
WANT YOU TO MEET SOME PEOPLE.
- YOU BETTER SHOVE OFF, DOBIE.
IT'S NOT GONNA DO
YOUR CAREER ANY GOOD,
SLUMMING WITH THE HIRED HANDS.
- SLUMMING?
- SEE YOU ON THE SOCIETY PAGE,
PERSONALITY BOY.
REMEMBER, THERE'S
ALWAYS ROOM AT THE TOP
AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT AMBITION,
DRIVE AND NO CONSCIENCE,
AND YOU DON'T CARE
WHOSE HEART YOU BREAK.
- GLORIA, GLORIA, GLORIA.
THANK YOU, GLORIA.
- FOR WHAT?
- YOU'VE MADE ME
SEE WHAT I'VE BECOME.
DON'T GO AWAY.
I'LL BE BACK THE
MINUTE I'VE DONE IT.
- DONE WHAT?
- THE DECENT THING.
- PAMELA, PAMELA.
- OH, DOBIE, COME ON,
GUESS WHO JUST GOT HERE?
TEDDY AND BUNNY AND
KIKI AND BABA BOOBOO.
- TEDDY AND BUNNY...
- AND KIKI AND BABA BOOBOO,
THEY JUST FLEW IN FROM BERMUDA.
COME ON, YOU'RE
JUST GONNA LOVE THEM.
- NO, I'M NOT, PAMELA, BECAUSE
I'M NOT GONNA MEET THEM.
- WHAT?
- I'LL MAKE THIS FAST, PAMELA,
THE SURGEON'S QUICK
KNIFE IS KINDER AFTER ALL.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'VE
BEEN AT THE CHAMPAGNE.
- NO, PAMELA, WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS WE'RE FINISHED.
- FINISHED?
- IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T
LIKE YOU BECAUSE I DO.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND SWEET
AND THE KIND OF GIRL I
ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT.
THE TROUBLE IS I
CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHETHER IT'S YOU I LOVE OR
THE LUMPKIN LUMBER COMPANY.
- I SEE, YOU'VE BEEN
TALKING TO THAT WAITRESS.
- YES, I HAVE, BUT
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS...
- THAT IF YOU'RE GOING
TO BE SUCCESSFUL,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SUCCESSFUL ON YOUR OWN
NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BOYFRIEND
OF THE BOSS'S DAUGHTER, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- DOBIE, THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T CARE IF
YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL.
I WANT YOU FOR YOURSELF.
- YOU MEAN YOU'D
BE POOR WITH ME?
- OH, HAPPILY.
- YOU'D LIVE ON
FRANKFURTERS AND BEANS,
DO YOUR OWN HOUSEWORK,
MAKE YOUR OWN CLOTHES?
- OH, I'D TAKE IN
WASHING IF NECESSARY.
- YOU?
- WELL, WHY NOT?
I'VE DONE IT LOTS OF TIMES.
- LIKE WHEN?
- WELL, ONCE WHEN I WAS ON A
CAMPING TRIP I DID MY OWN SOCKS.
- REALLY? ALL BY YOURSELF?
- OKAY, SO I'M USED TO
SERVANTS AND LUXURIES
AND THE FINER THINGS OF LIFE.
- BUT YOU'RE WILLING
TO GIVE THEM UP FOR ME?
- OH, I'M WILLING TO TRY.
- AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK?
- OH, IT'LL WORK.
- AND IF IT DOESN'T?
- WELL, THEN WE'LL SIMPLY ASK
DADDY TO GIVE US A LITTLE HELP.
- LIKE MAYBE BUILD
US A LITTLE COTTAGE,
JUST 14 LITTLE ROOMS,
AND PUT A COUPLE OF CARS
IN OUR GARAGE, LITTLE
CARS, OF COURSE.
- DOBIE, I DON'T MIND BEING
POOR BUT I DON'T THINK
THERE'S ANY NEED TO BE
OSTENTATIOUS ABOUT IT.
- PAMELA, YOU REALLY
ARE A WONDERFUL GIRL
AND MAYBE I'M A JERK
NOT TO GRAB YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAYBE?
- OKAY, I'M A JERK.
- DOBIE, I WISH I COULD SAY I
ADMIRE YOUR INDEPENDENCE.
- BUT?
- BUT WHAT I REALLY THINK IS
THAT YOU'RE SOME SORT OF A NUT.
- BUT NO HARD FEELINGS?
- NONE, AND IF THIS
SUDDEN ATTACK OF NOBILITY
SHOULD WEAR OFF,
THERE'LL BE A LIGHT BURNING
IN MY WINDOW JUST FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU, PAMELA.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WILL YOU PLEASE LINE
UP FOR THE GRAND MARCH
AND THE JUDGING OF THE COSTUMES.
- GLORIA, GLORIA, GLORIA, I'VE
GOT SOME WONDERFUL NEWS.
- YOU JUST SPRAINED YOUR ANKLE?
- NO, GLORIA, I JUST HAD
A LONG TALK WITH PAMELA
AND I'VE REACHED A DECISION, NO
MORE JUNIOR EXECUTIVE TRAINING,
NO MORE USING PEOPLE
TO GET TO THE TOP,
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
JUST LIKE IT WAS BEFORE.
IN SHORT, GLORIA, I'M YOURS.
- MINE? OH, GEE,
DOBIE, I'M TOUCHED.
- I KNEW YOU WOULD BE, MY DEAR.
- BUT NOT ENOUGH.
- NOT ENOUGH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I'M SORRY, DOBIE,
BUT IT'S GONE.
I'VE DROPPED MY LAST
JELLY DONUT OVER YOU.
IT JUST ISN'T THERE ANYMORE.
- BUT YOU DID CARE ABOUT ME?
- WHAT I CARED ABOUT WAS
AN EAGER, AMBITIOUS KID
WITH A LOT OF CRAZY DREAMS
AND THE GUTS TO MAKE THEM HAPPEN
OR AT LEAST TRY TO
MAKE THEM HAPPEN.
I WASN'T FIGURING ON A SELLOUT.
- BUT I TOLD YOU,
GLORIA, I KICKED IT.
- FOR HOW LONG?
FOR AS LONG AS
YOU'LL STICK BY ME.
- NO SALE.
THE GUY I WANT DOESN'T HAVE TO
HAVE SOMEBODY TO STICK BY HIM.
ALL HE NEEDS IS HIS OWN HANDS
AND HIS OWN HEAD
AND HIS OWN HEART.
- GLORIA, I'LL DO IT.
WILL YOU WAIT FOR ME?
- WELL, I CAN'T
MAKE ANY PROMISES.
- OKAY, NO PROMISES,
BUT TELL ME THIS,
DO I HAVE REASON TO HOPE?
- WELL, YOU'RE
ALIVE, AREN'T YOU?
- SURE.
- WELL, WHERE THERE'S LIFE...
- THERE'S HOPE?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE GRAND PRIZE FOR THE
BEST ORIGINAL COSTUME
GOES TO THE YOUNG MAN
DRESSED AS A CHIMNEY SWEEP.
- NO.
- WELL, THEN, A RAGPICKER.
- NO.
- JUNK COLLECTOR?
- NO, I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS AND
I WASN'T EVEN IN THE CONTEST.
I WANNA GO HOME!
- TONIGHT? 8:00-ISH?
YES, MY LAMB, 8:00-ISH
SHALL BE FINE-ISH.
UNTIL THEN, MY ANGEL.
- LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
- MAYNARD, I'M A
LITTLE BIT BUSY.
- HEY, DOBIE, YOU NOTICE
ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
- NO, MAYNARD. MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
GONNA KICK ME AGAIN?
- IT ALL DEPENDS.
- DEPENDS ON WHAT?
- I'LL SHOW YOU.
HEY, GIRL, COME ON IN.
HEY, DOBE, ARE YOU
SORRY YOU WERE
SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK TO GLORIA?
- WELL, YES.
- HE SAYS HE'S SORRY HE
WAS SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK TO YOU.
- I'M SURE HE IS.
- WELL, I AIN'T.
HEY, DOBE, YOU GONNA TRY NOT
TO BE SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK TO
GLORIA FROM NOW ON?
- NOW, LOOK, MAYNARD...
- YES OR NO, GOOD BUDDY,
REMEMBER I STILL
GOT ONE HARD BOOT.
- ALL RIGHT, YES.
- HE SAYS HE'S GONNA TRY NOT
TO BE SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK FROM NOW ON.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD,
I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.
- NOW WATCH IT, GIRL,
HE'S A TERRIBLE LIAR.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, OH, I KNOW DOBIE IS...
WELL, SHALL WE
SAY OPPORTUNISTIC.
- SHALL WE SAY SNEAKY?
- AND I'VE THOUGHT IT ALL OVER
AND I REALLY CAN'T FIND IT IN
MY HEART TO BE MAD AT DOBIE
FOR I KNOW DEEP DOWN
HE'S A GOOD PERSON.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- DOBE, IF YOU'D STILL
LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME
I'D BE PROUD AND PLEASED.
- THAT'S FINE, GLORIA,
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
- WHEN?
- SOON.
- TONIGHT.
- WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT
I'M KIND OF TIED UP TONIGHT.
YOU SEE, I'VE GOT THIS EXAM
IN CHEMISTRY TOMORROW.
- YOU AIN'T TAKING CHEMISTRY.
- DID I SAY CHEMISTRY?
HOW SILLY OF ME.
WHAT I MEANT IS I...
- WHAT YOU MEANT WAS YOU GOT
A DATE WITH THAT
SNAKY SOCIETY CHICK.
- NO, I HAVEN'T.
- YES, YOU HAVE.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE A MEDDLER.
- GIRL, DOBE IS MY DEAREST
FRIEND IN THE WORLD
AND YOU'RE, LIKE, RIGHT.
I MEAN, HE DOES HAVE
GOOD STUFF INSIDE OF HIM.
I MEAN, HE'S LIKE LOYAL AND
DECENT AND HONEST AND TRUE
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THIS
CRUMMY SPELL COMES OVER HIM
AND LIKE I SAID, THERE'S
ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
- MAYNARD, WHAT
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
- DOBE, DO YOU WANNA KNOW
WHERE MY OTHER ARMY BOOT IS?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
LOOK, GLORIA.
OW!
- WHAT, WHEN, WHERE?
- DOBIE.
- OH, GLORIA.
I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.
THEY TOLD ME TO
WAIT OUT HERE AND...
- I WAS JUST PICKING
UP THE COFFEE THINGS
IN MR. ERDLATZ'S OFFICE.
- MR. ERDLATZ THE
GENERAL MANAGER?
- YES, AND THEY WERE TALKING
ABOUT YOUR APTITUDE TEST.
- OH, I GUESS I GOOFED, HUH? I
NEVER CAN DO THOSE THINGS.
IN THE FIRST PLACE THEY'RE
SILLY, IDIOTIC, RIDICULOUS...
- NO, YOU MADE A TERRIFIC SCORE.
- YEAH, BUT YOU GOT TO
ADMIT THEY'RE ACCURATE.
- I HEARD THEM SAY
YOU JUST MISSED 90%.
- 90%.
- OH, GILLIS, THERE YOU ARE.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST.
- CONGRATULATIONS, OLD
MAN, YOU MADE THE TEAM.
- OH, THANK YOU,
MR. ERDLATZ, THANK YOU.
- DON'T THANK ME. THANK GLORIA.
- WE'VE BEEN HAVING DOBIE
GILLIS WITH OUR DONUTS ALL WEEK.
IT WAS EITHER HIRE YOU OR
LOSE THE BEST LITTLE COFFEE GIRL
WE'VE EVER HAD AROUND LUMPKIN.
- YES, SIR, SHE'S BEEN
AN INSPIRATION, SIR.
WELL, WHERE DO I
START, SIR? PRODUCTION?
I'VE GOT A LOT OF ZINGY IDEAS
HOW TO DOUBLE THE OUTPUT, SIR.
- WELL, NO, GILLIS, IT
WON'T BE PRODUCTION.
- PERSONNEL MANAGEMENT,
PUBLIC RELATIONS,
THE QUICKER I GET AN OVERALL
GRASP OF THE BIG PICTURE...
- NO, GILLIS, NOW
AS A MATTER OF FACT
I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN
OUR CUT BOARD RESIDUE
COLLECTION AND
RELOCATION PROGRAM.
- OH, SOUNDS LIKE
A CHALLENGE, SIR.
WHAT DO I DO?
- YOU SWEEP UP THE SAWDUST
AND PUT IT IN THE FURNACE.
- I'M A JANITOR?
- GLAD TO HAVE
YOU ABOARD, GILLIS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- SO I TOOK A JOB AT
THE LUMBER COMPANY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING,
IF I WANTED TO BE A JANITOR
I COULD HAVE STAYED HOME
AND SWEPT DAD'S GROCERY STORE.
THE DIFFERENCE IS AT THE
LUMBER COMPANY YOU GET PAID
AND BESIDES, IT WAS A CHALLENGE.
I WASN'T GONNA BE
A JANITOR FOR LONG
BECAUSE THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,
NOTHING CAN HOLD YOU BACK
AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT AMBITION,
DRIVE AND INITIATIVE. I
WAS ON MY WAY TO THE TOP.
WHAT COULD STOP ME?
- STOP!
- HI, MR. ERDLATZ.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT IS THIS THING?
- JUST A LITTLE CONVEYOR
BELT I RIGGED UP, SIR.
IT CUTS SAWDUST BURNING
TIME DOWN 3.7 SECONDS.
- JUST A MINUTE, GILLIS.
DO I UNDERSTAND YOU
CONSTRUCTED THIS CONTRAPTION
ON YOUR OWN INITIATIVE?
- YES, SIR, JUST AN EXPERIMENT.
- WELL, GET IT OUT OF HERE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?
- BUT, SIR, IT DIDN'T COST
YOUR COMPANY A CENT.
I GET MY POWER FROM
THIS OLD BAND SAW.
- BAND SAW? BAND SAW?
SO THIS IS WHERE IT IS.
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR
THIS THING ALL OVER THE PLANT.
GILLIS, DO YOU
REALIZE YOU'VE COST US
A WHOLE MORNING'S PRODUCTION
ON THE ORANGEWOOD CUTICLE STICKS?
- BUT I THOUGHT THAT...
- YOU'RE NOT
BEING PAID TO THINK!
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
YOU'RE NOT BEING PAID.
I'M DOCKING YOU ONE
DAY'S WAGES FOR THIS.
- YEAH, BUT, SIR...
- AND GET RID OF
THIS MONSTROSITY!
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT MR. ERDLATZ?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?
- OH, GILLIS, OH, THAT DOES IT.
- YOU MEAN...
- I MEAN YOU'RE FIRED!
GILLIS, TAKE TWO LAPS
AROUND THE FURNACE
AND TURN IN YOUR BROOM.
- MR. ERDLATZ, PLEASE,
HE WAS JUST TRYING
TO SHOW INITIATIVE, SIR.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN
THE CAFETERIA OR SOMETHING?
IT'S ALMOST LUNCHTIME.
- YES, SIR, I'M JUST GOING.
OH, AND BY THE WAY,
THE BOSS'S DAUGHTER
IS LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
- I FORGOT ABOUT HER.
- OH, MR. ERDLATZ,
HOW ABOUT HIM?
- YEAH, HOW ABOUT HIM, HUH?
- MR. ERDLATZ, GIVE
HIM ANOTHER CHANCE.
AFTER ALL, HE DID GET A GOOD
GRADE ON HIS APTITUDE TEST.
- WHOEVER TOLD YOU THAT
IS DINGY AS A CLOCK SHOP.
- WELL, I HEARD YOU
SAY SO YOURSELF.
- ME?
- WELL, YOU SAID
HE JUST MISSED 90%.
- I SAID HE MISSED
90% OF THE QUESTIONS.
- YOU MEAN...
- I MEAN
ACCORDING TO OUR FIGURES
YOU'VE GOT AN IQ ABOUT 8.7.
THAT'S JUST TWO DECIMAL POINTS
LOWER THAN A GARTER SNAKE.
- ALL RIGHT, SO I
GOT A LITTLE MIXED UP
ON THE TRUE AND FALSE PART.
- HE ALWAYS PUTS THE
Xs IN THE WRONG PLACE.
- YEAH.
- OH, BESIDES, MR. ERDLATZ,
IT'S PRACTICALLY INHUMAN TO FIRE
SOMEBODY AFTER JUST TWO DAYS.
- YEAH, WELL,
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
BESIDES, IF I FIRE
HIM, WHO'LL HIRE HIM?
HE'LL BECOME A PUBLIC CHARGE
AND THERE GO THE TAXES AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, GILLIS,
YOU'RE STILL ON THE TEAM.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
- DON'T THANK ME, THANK GLORIA.
SHE SAVED YOUR JOB FOR
YOU, BUT IT'S THE LAST TIME.
FROM NOW ON YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
ONE MORE FUMBLE,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE GAME.
- NOW DON'T WORRY, DOBIE.
- ME, WORRY? IT'S LITTLE
SETBACKS LIKE THIS
THAT MAKE ME ALL THE MORE
DETERMINED TO CLAW MY WAY
TO THE TOP EVEN IF
MR. ERDLATZ DOES THINK
I'M SOME SORT OF A SCROUNGY,
LOWDOWN, KNUCKLEHEADED SCHNOOK.
- YOU RANG?
LIKE, HI, DOBE,
LIKE, HI, GLORIA,
HOW'S THE BIG LUMBER TYPHOON?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S TYCOON
AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- MAN, DOBE, YOU SURE
ARE GETTING FORGETFUL.
YOU LEFT YOUR LUNCH
RIGHT ON THE TABLE.
YOUR MOM SENT ME OVER WITH IT.
- OH, THANKS A LOT,
MAYNARD. I'M AWFUL HUNGRY.
- I'M NOT.
- YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?
- HM-MM.
- HOW COME?
- I JUST ATE YOUR LUNCH.
- MAYNARD!
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DOBIE.
YOU CAN HAVE LUNCH
WITH ME IN THE CAFETERIA.
- BUT AREN'T YOU...
- I'LL BE FINISHED
SERVING IN HALF AN HOUR.
WE'LL PRACTICALLY HAVE THE
WHOLE PLACE TO OURSELVES.
I'LL FIX IT UP WITH THE COOK.
- OH, THAT'S TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
- BUT I WANT TO.
IT'LL BE A LITTLE PARTY, A LITTLE
WELCOME TO LUMPKIN PARTY.
[YARD WHISTLE] THE
WHISTLE! I'VE GOTTA FLY.
SEE YOU IN THE
CAFETERIA IN 30 MINUTES.
- YOU KNOW, DOBE,
I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D EVER SAY THIS ABOUT
A GIRL BUT THAT GLORIA,
SHE'S LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
I MEAN, SHE'S SWEET AND
KIND AND GOOD AND HELPFUL
AND IF YOU WANNA GO FOR
HER, YOU GOT MY BLESSING.
- IS THAT YOU TALKING?
YOU, MAYNARD G. KREBS?
- LOOK, DOBE, THIS IN
NO WAY CONSTITUTES
AN ENDORSEMENT
OF GIRLS IN GENERAL,
JUST THIS ONE PARTICULAR CHICK
AND I SAY IF YOU WANNA
GO STEADY WITH HER, GO.
- WELL, TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, MAYNARD,
WE'RE PRACTICALLY
GOING STEADY NOW.
WE'VE BEEN OUT TWO NIGHTS
IN A ROW AND I LIKE HER.
I'M GETTING SICK OF
DIFFERENT GIRLS ALL THE TIME.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT'S FOR THE BIRDS.
IT'S... WOW.
- IT'S WOW?
- BOY, IS IT WOW.
- HELLO, MISS LUMPKIN, CAN
I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?
- AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES.
MOTHER IS HOLDING HER ANNUAL
GIVE A BASKET TO THE
POOR CHARITY BAZAAR
AND WE NEED SOME LUMBER
TO BUILD THE BOOTHS.
- WHY, OF COURSE, MISS LUMPKIN.
JUST PICK OUT ANYTHING YOU WANT
AND I'LL HAVE IT SENT
OVER AFTER LUNCH.
- BUT CAN'T I TAKE IT NOW? I
BROUGHT THE STATION WAGON.
ALL I NEED IS ONE MAN
TO COME ALONG AND HELP.
- HELLO, MAY I BE OF SERVICE?
- EXCUSE ME.
YOU VOLUNTEERING?
- YEAH.
- NO OVERTIME.
- YEAH.
- YOU'LL HAVE TO GO WAY UP TO
MISS LUMPKIN'S HOUSE WITH HER.
- YEAH.
- I'VE GOT YOUR MAN
FOR YOU, MISS LUMPKIN.
- OH, THANK YOU, MR. ERDLATZ.
I'LL GO GET THE STATION WAGON.
- HEY, DOBE, HOW COME?
- HOW COME WHAT, MAYNARD?
- HOW COME YOU'RE
GETTING ALL GUSSIED UP?
- WHO KNOWS, MAYNARD,
WE MIGHT HAVE TO STOP FOR A BITE
SOMEWHERE, A BOTTLE AND A BIRD.
IT IS LUNCHTIME, YOU KNOW.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT GLORIA?
- GLORIA WHO?
- GLORIA WHO? GLORIA WHO
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FORGET
BECAUSE SHE'S SO NICE TO YOU.
- DON'T BE FUNNY, MAYNARD,
I KNOW WHO GLORIA IS.
I JUST WASN'T
LISTENING, THAT'S ALL.
- YEAH, GLORIA WHO
WAS GONNA GIVE YOU
A NICE LITTLE WELCOME TO
LUMPKIN PARTY IN ABOUT...
- MAYNARD, WILL YOU
STOP WITH THE GLORIA WHO?
JUST BECAUSE SHE GOT ME A JOB
YOU ACT LIKE WE'RE GOING
STEADY OR SOMETHING.
- BUT YOU SAID THAT YOU...
- MAYNARD, I'M DONATING
MY LUNCH HOUR TO CHARITY.
IS THAT A CAPITAL OFFENSE?
- I BET YOU WOULDN'T BE
DONATING NO LUNCH HOUR
IF IT WAS FOR SOME POOR OLD LADY
INSTEAD OF THAT
SLICK SOCIETY CHICK
WHOSE FATHER'S GONNA MAKE
YOU INTO A BIG LUMBER BABOON.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S TYCOON.
- NO, IN YOUR CASE, BABOON.
- AND DO YOU REALLY THINK
I'D DOUBLE-CROSS A NICE GIRL
LIKE GLORIA JUST TO GET TO
THE TOP IN THE LUMBER BUSINESS?
[WHISTLES]
- MAYNARD, NEVER MIND.
- NOW, YOU JUST GO OVER TO
THE CAFETERIA AND TELL GLORIA.
- TELL HER WHAT?
- TELL HER THE TRUTH.
YEAH, TELL HER I'M
HELPING A POOR, OLD LADY.
- YEAH, BUT DOBE,
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT
FOR THAT POOR OLD LADY.
- GO, MAYNARD.
- NO, DOBE,
I KNOW THEM SNEAKY
SOCIETY TYPES.
- SO LONG, MAYNARD.
- SHE'LL CREAM YOU LIKE
CAULIFLOWER, GOOD BUDDY.
- GOODBYE ALREADY AND TRUST ME.
AH, MY DEAR.
- EXCUSE ME, THERE
WAS A WORKER...
- I JUST SLIPPED INTO SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT MORE COMFORTABLE.
- YOU'RE...
- YEAH, DOBIE GILLIS
AT YOUR SERVICE.
- WELL, YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE.
- AND YOU ARE THE SUN,
THE MOON, THE
STARS, ALL MIRACLES
AND LEGENDS
INCARNATE IN FORM DIVINE.
- CORNY, BUT CUTE.
- YOUR EYES ARE PEEK HOLES
IN THE WALLS OF
HEAVEN, YOUR TEETH,
THE TINY KEYS OF
SOME ELFIN CELESTE.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
- SPEAK TO ME, SWEET LIPS.
- YOU'RE SO FAR OUT YOU'RE
PRACTICALLY BACK IN AGAIN.
AND I THOUGHT IT WAS
GONNA BE A DULL SUMMER.
- TO WORK.
WELL, LIKE I SAID, ALL YOU
NEED TO CLAW YOUR WAY UP
THAT OLD LADDER OF SUCCESS
IS AMBITION, DRIVE, INITIATIVE
AND AMERICAN KNOW-HOW.
ALSO IT DOESN'T HURT TO GET
CLOSE TO THE BOSS'S DAUGHTER.
- OH, YES, DEFINITELY, YES.
- YOU MEAN...
- YOU FIT INTO MY PLANS.
YOU'RE SO...
- DEBONAIR?
- WELL, NO.
- DANGEROUS?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
- CHARMING, DEVIL-MAY-CARE.
- OBSOLETE.
- OBSOLETE?
- WHAT I MEAN IS THEY DON'T
MAKE BOYS LIKE YOU ANYMORE.
- THANKS A LUMP.
- WELL, YOU'RE SO
HOMEY AND COMFY,
LIKE, DEEP DISH
APPLE PIE, GALOSHES.
- IS THAT GOOD?
- OH, FOR ME THAT'S GOOD.
- PAMELA?
- OVER HERE, DADDY.
- GOOD, GOOD, I SEE
YOU GOT THE LUMBER.
- THANKS TO MR. GILLIS.
DOBIE, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET MY FATHER.
- OH, WELL, HOW DO YOU DO...
- HOW DO YOU DO, SIR?
- MR. GILLIS, DID YOU HAVE MUCH
TROUBLE GETTING IT UP HERE?
- ALL IT TOOK WAS A LITTLE
AMBITION, DRIVE AND INITIATIVE.
- AMBITION AND DRIVE?
- MR. GILLIS WORKS
FOR YOU, DADDY.
AND THIS IS MY MOTHER.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- AND JUST WHAT DO YOU DO
AT THE COMPANY, MR. GILLIS?
- HE'S A JANITOR.
- OH.
- BUT HE WON'T BE FOR
LONG, WILL HE, DADDY?
- WELL, I...
- OH, PAMELA, I DO WISH
YOU'D GET OVER THIS
PYGMALION COMPLEX OF YOURS.
A JANITOR, REALLY.
- I WAS JUST TELLING MR. GILLIS
ABOUT YOUR GIVE A BASKET
TO THE POOR CHARITY BAZAAR.
- AND I HOPE IT'S A
GREAT SUCCESS, MA'AM.
- WELL, IF IT IS I SHALL
SEE TO IT PERSONALLY
THAT YOUR FAMILY
GETS A NICE, FULL ONE.
- I DON'T THINK YOU
UNDERSTAND, MOTHER.
MR. GILLIS IS GOING
TO BE MY ESCORT.
- HE IS?
- HE IS?
- I AM?
- OH, YOU MOST DEFINITELY ARE.
- A JANITOR. OH, DEAR.
THE PAPERS, OUR SOCIAL
POSITION. THIS WILL NEVER DO.
- WELL, THAT'S
WHAT I WAS THINKING,
ABOUT PUTTING MR. GILLIS
IN THE JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
TRAINING PROGRAM.
- JUNIOR EXECUTIVE
TRAINING PROGRAM?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE IT IS THE
ONLY ANSWER, WOODROW?
- OH, I SUPPOSE I CAN
HAMMER HIM IN SOMEWHERE.
WE BETTER GO HAVE A
TALK WITH MR. ERDLATZ.
- I'M SURE HE'LL BE DELIGHTED.
- WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOUR NAME WAS?
- DOBIE GILLIS.
- DOBIE GILLIS?
- HE DOESN'T SOUND TOO...
- OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING. YOU SEE?
- WELL, GILLIS, I JUST TOLD
MR. ERDLATZ THE GOOD NEWS
AND HE'S VERY HAPPY.
RIGHT, C.J.?
- WELL, HAPPY ISN'T
EXACTLY THE WORD.
- JUST GIVE ME THE
BALL, SIR, I'LL HIT THE LINE.
I'LL SMASH THROUGH
FOR A TOUCHDOWN.
- ALL RIGHT, KID,
TIME OUT, TIME OUT.
NOW THE GAME DOESN'T
START TILL AFTER LUNCH.
SEE ME IN MY OFFICE AT 1:00.
- YES, SIR.
GEE, PAMELA, I'LL NEVER
FORGET YOU FOR THIS.
- OH, THIS IS JUST
THE BEGINNING.
I'VE GOT PLANS FOR
YOU, DOBIE, BIG PLANS.
SEE YOU TONIGHT?
- TONIGHT?
THAT'LL BE...
- THAT'LL BE WHAT?
- THAT'LL BE FINE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, TYING MY SHOE. I CAN'T
STAND UNTIED SHOELACES.
IT'S KIND OF A MANIA WITH ME.
- UH-HUH, IT MUST BE.
- OH, IT IS, IT IS.
- YOU'RE WEARING LOAFERS.
- WHAT?
- OH, SO I AM. SO I AM.
- SEE YOU AT 8:00.
- SEE YOU AT 8:00.
- NUTTY AS A CHI
CHI BIRD, BUT CUTE.
- OH, HI, GLORIA.
- DID YOU LOSE SOMETHING?
- OH, NO, NO, LOOK, GLORIA.
- MAYNARD TOLD ME.
- TOLD YOU?
- HELPING A POOR OLD LADY
WITH THE CHARITY BAZAAR.
OH, DOBIE, I THINK
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- I AM?
- JUST FOR THAT YOU GET
HOMEMADE FUDGE TONIGHT.
- TONIGHT?
- WELL, YOU DID SAY YOU WERE
COMING AT 8:00, DIDN'T YOU?
- 8:00?
- OH, IS THAT TOO EARLY?
- WELL, NO, NO, IT'S FINE
EXCEPT, WELL, YOU SEE, I...
- DOBIE, INSTEAD OF
MAKING IT 8:00 TONIGHT,
LET'S MAKE IT 7:30.
WE'LL CATCH DADDY RIGHT AFTER
DINNER WHEN HE'S FULL OF FOOD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER TOO
SOON TO START THINKING
ABOUT ANOTHER PROMOTION.
- THAT'LL BE FINE, PAMELA.
- SEE YOU THEN.
- LOOK, GLORIA,
TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- I DO. I DO, I UNDERSTAND GOOD.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
THERE I WAS WITH TWO GIRLS
MORE OR LESS APE ABOUT ME.
ON THE ONE HAND
WAS GLORIA MUNDY,
ONE OF THE SWEETEST
KIDS WHO EVER HIT THE PIKE
AND ON THE OTHER HAND
THERE WAS PAMELA LUMPKIN
AND IF YOU DON'T THINK
SHE'S GOT HER POINTS
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
PAYING ATTENTION.
IF I TAKE PAMELA OUT
I'M A HEEL TO GLORIA.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
IF I TAKE GLORIA OUT...
- YOU'RE A JANITOR AGAIN.
- BELIEVE ME, PAMELA,
SHE'S JUST AN OLD FRIEND.
DON'T YOU TRUST ME?
- NOT TO GIVE YOU A
SHORT ANSWER BUT, NO!
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SEEING THAT GLORIA.
- BELIEVE ME, PAMELA,
SHE'S JUST AN OLD...
- GILLIS?
- OH, HELLO, MISS LUMPKIN.
GILLIS, DID YOU PROCESS
THOSE PERSONNEL
RECOMMENDATIONS I ASKED FOR?
- OH, YES, SIR, I WHIPPED
THEM UP THIS MORNING.
HERE THEY ARE, SIR.
- GOOD, VERY GOOD. KEEP
THE FRONT LINE, GILLIS.
KEEP HITTING IT HARD,
YOU'LL MAKE THE VARSITY YET.
GILLIS...
I UNDERSTAND
THERE'S TO BE A PRIZE
FOR THE BEST COSTUME TONIGHT.
- TONIGHT?
- YEAH, THE CHARITY BAZAAR.
I HOPE NOBODY ELSE IS
GOING AS KING HENRY VIII.
- HENRY VIII, YOU, SIR?
- YEAH, NOW, GILLIS, I
UNDERSTAND MISS LUMPKIN
IS GOING AS CLEOPATRA,
YOU LUCKY DOG.
GLORIA, I DON'T WANNA
TELL YOU YOUR BUSINESS
BUT THE CUP GOES
UNDERNEATH THE SPIGOT.
- HERE'S YOUR COSTUME.
AND TRY TO BE THERE
A LITTLE EARLY TONIGHT
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T
BE A BIT SURPRISED
IF DAD HAD SOME
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.
- GOOD NEWS?
- ANOTHER LITTLE
PROMOTION COMING UP.
[GASPS]
- MAYNARD, DON'T
FRIGHTEN MISS LUMPKIN.
AU REVOIR, MY DEAR.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE,
HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
- IT'S MY COSTUME FOR
THE CHARITY BAZAAR
MRS. LUMPKIN'S GIVING TONIGHT.
- BIZARRE, I LIKE
PARTIES BETTER.
- MAYNARD, A BAZAAR IS A PARTY.
- WHAT DO YOU KNOW, CAN I COME?
- I'M SORRY, MAYNARD,
IT'S INVITATION ONLY.
- OH, I DON'T MEAN,
LIKE, JOIN IN THE FUN
WITH THE RICH PEOPLE
AND BE SOCIALLY ACCEPTED.
I MEAN, LIKE, PEAK
THROUGH THE BUSHES?
- OH, WELL, I GUESS
THAT'D BE ALL RIGHT.
- YOU'RE ALL HEART, DOBE.
HOW CAN I EVER THANK YOU?
- YOU CAN THANK ME
BY NOT BUGGING ME
DURING BUSINESS HOURS.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT ANYHOW?
- I'M SORRY, DOBE,
BUT I HAD TO SEE YOU.
- WHAT FOR?
- DON'T YOU NOTICE ANYTHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- LOOK AT MY FEET.
I'M NOT WEARING MY SNEAKERS.
I'M WEARING MY OLD ARMY SHOES
WITH THE REAL HARD TOES.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
- NO, MAYNARD.
- HERE'S WHY.
- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
- THAT'S FOR BEING A
DIRTY RAT DOUBLE CROSSER,
AND TWANGING ON GLORIA
MUNDY'S HEARTSTRINGS
LIKE THEY WERE STRUNG
ON A BUSTED-DOWN ZITHER.
- NOW, MAYNARD,
YOU CUT THAT OUT.
I'M NOT EITHER TWANGING ON
GLORIA MUNDY'S HEARTSTRINGS.
- OH, NO? THEN HOW
COME SHE'S OUT IN THE HALL
POURING COFFEE ALL OVER HER FEET
JUST BECAUSE YOU DROPPED
HER LIKE A HOT TOMATO?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S HOT POTATO.
AND WHO ELECTED YOU
MISS LONELYHEARTS ANYHOW?
- AH, DOBE, I JUST HATE
TO SEE YOU PACK IN
LIKE, A REAL HUMAN BEING
LIKE GLORIA FOR SOME SLINKY
SOCIETY CHICK WHO'S GONNA BOOST
YOU UP THE LADDER OF SUCCESS
AND MAKE YOU GO...
- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.
IN THE FIRST PLACE SHE'S
NO SLINKY SOCIETY CHICK
AND IN THE SECOND
PLACE IT JUST SO HAPPENS
I'M VERY FOND OF PAMELA,
AND IN THE THIRD PLACE
WHY SHOULDN'T SHE
GIVE ME A HELPING HAND?
LET'S FACE IT, I NEED
ALL THE HELP I CAN GET.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- I DON'T HAVE ANY
SPECIAL SKILLS OR TALENTS.
- TRUE, TRUE.
- DON'T AGREE SO FAST.
- ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
THAT IF PAMELA LIKES ME
AND WANTS TO HELP MY CAREER,
WHY SHOULDN'T I LET HER?
I MIGHT NEVER GET A
BREAK LIKE THIS AGAIN.
- I APOLOGIZE, DOBE,
FOR THINKING ALL THOSE
MEAN AND ROTTEN THINGS.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
YOUR VOTE OF
CONFIDENCE COMES AT A...
- GILLIS, ABOUT THESE
PERSONNEL REPORTS HERE.
- OH, SOMETHING WRONG, SIR?
- OH, NO, THEY'RE ALL FINE,
ALL ACCEPT THIS LAST ONE,
THIS GLORIA MUNDY.
IT'S KIND OF UNUSUAL
TO TRANSFER A WAITRESS
TO OUR SOUTH AMERICAN PLANT.
YOU WOULDN'T BE TRYING
TO GET RID OF GLORIA MUNDY
FOR ANY REASON, NOW, WOULD YOU?
- NO, SIR, NO, I JUST THOUGHT
THE CHANGE MIGHT DO HER GOOD.
NOTHING LIKE FIVE OR SIX YEARS
IN THE TROPICS TO PUT ROSES
IN A GIRL'S CHEEKS.
- YEAH, WELL, WHEN
I TOLD HER ABOUT IT
SHE DROPPED A WHOLE
TRAY OF JELLY DONUTS.
- YEAH, I'M SORRY, SIR, I...
- THEY'RE ALL FINE HERE,
ALL ACCEPT MISS MUNDY.
I THINK WE'LL KEEP HER IN
THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE.
- OH, YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
- LIKE, ADIOS, RAT.
- OH, GILLIS, I'D LIKE TO HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU, GILLIS,
BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE.
- YES, SIR.
- I'VE BEEN CHECKING
WITH MR. ERDLATZ
CONCERNING YOUR
PROGRESS, GILLIS.
- YES, SIR.
- WHY, IT'S PHENOMENAL, MY
BOY, PHENOMENAL, YES, SIR.
YOU'VE GOT LUMBER IN YOUR BLOOD.
- THANK YOU, SIR, THANK YOU.
- AS A MATTER OF
FACT I WAS THINKING
THAT MAYBE SOMEDAY,
PROVIDING YOU
AND PAMELA
CONTINUE TO HIT IT OFF,
WELL, YOU COULD BE...
- WOODROW?
- YES, SIR?
YOU WERE SAYING, SIR?
- OH, IT CAN WAIT TILL LATER.
HERE COME THE
LADIES, BLESS THEM.
MY, DON'T YOU LOOK
NICE, BOTH OF YOU.
- GOOD EVENING, MRS. LUMPKIN,
GOOD EVENING, PAMELA, MY SWEET.
- COME ALONG, WOODROW.
THE GUESTS ARE
ARRIVING. YOU, TOO, PAMELA.
- I'LL BE THERE
IN JUST A MINUTE.
- DOBIE, DEAR, WHY DON'T YOU GO
GET YOURSELF SOMETHING TO EAT?
- OH, GOOD IDEA.
- GLORIA? GLORIA,
YOU'RE WORKING HERE?
- WHY NOT? I'M A WAITRESS, TRUE?
- GLORIA, GLORIA.
- MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
- GLORIA, I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH YOU.
- SOME CAVIAR, PÂTÉ
DE FOIE GRAS, CHEESE?
- GLORIA, I KNOW YOU THINK
I'M JUST A RAT IN A MOUSE SUIT.
- GILLIS, COME OVER HERE, I
WANT YOU TO MEET SOME PEOPLE.
- YOU BETTER SHOVE OFF, DOBIE.
IT'S NOT GONNA DO
YOUR CAREER ANY GOOD,
SLUMMING WITH THE HIRED HANDS.
- SLUMMING?
- SEE YOU ON THE SOCIETY PAGE,
PERSONALITY BOY.
REMEMBER, THERE'S
ALWAYS ROOM AT THE TOP
AS LONG AS YOU'VE GOT AMBITION,
DRIVE AND NO CONSCIENCE,
AND YOU DON'T CARE
WHOSE HEART YOU BREAK.
- GLORIA, GLORIA, GLORIA.
THANK YOU, GLORIA.
- FOR WHAT?
- YOU'VE MADE ME
SEE WHAT I'VE BECOME.
DON'T GO AWAY.
I'LL BE BACK THE
MINUTE I'VE DONE IT.
- DONE WHAT?
- THE DECENT THING.
- PAMELA, PAMELA.
- OH, DOBIE, COME ON,
GUESS WHO JUST GOT HERE?
TEDDY AND BUNNY AND
KIKI AND BABA BOOBOO.
- TEDDY AND BUNNY...
- AND KIKI AND BABA BOOBOO,
THEY JUST FLEW IN FROM BERMUDA.
COME ON, YOU'RE
JUST GONNA LOVE THEM.
- NO, I'M NOT, PAMELA, BECAUSE
I'M NOT GONNA MEET THEM.
- WHAT?
- I'LL MAKE THIS FAST, PAMELA,
THE SURGEON'S QUICK
KNIFE IS KINDER AFTER ALL.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'VE
BEEN AT THE CHAMPAGNE.
- NO, PAMELA, WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY IS WE'RE FINISHED.
- FINISHED?
- IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T
LIKE YOU BECAUSE I DO.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND SWEET
AND THE KIND OF GIRL I
ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT.
THE TROUBLE IS I
CAN'T FIGURE OUT
WHETHER IT'S YOU I LOVE OR
THE LUMPKIN LUMBER COMPANY.
- I SEE, YOU'VE BEEN
TALKING TO THAT WAITRESS.
- YES, I HAVE, BUT
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS...
- THAT IF YOU'RE GOING
TO BE SUCCESSFUL,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SUCCESSFUL ON YOUR OWN
NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BOYFRIEND
OF THE BOSS'S DAUGHTER, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- DOBIE, THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T CARE IF
YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL.
I WANT YOU FOR YOURSELF.
- YOU MEAN YOU'D
BE POOR WITH ME?
- OH, HAPPILY.
- YOU'D LIVE ON
FRANKFURTERS AND BEANS,
DO YOUR OWN HOUSEWORK,
MAKE YOUR OWN CLOTHES?
- OH, I'D TAKE IN
WASHING IF NECESSARY.
- YOU?
- WELL, WHY NOT?
I'VE DONE IT LOTS OF TIMES.
- LIKE WHEN?
- WELL, ONCE WHEN I WAS ON A
CAMPING TRIP I DID MY OWN SOCKS.
- REALLY? ALL BY YOURSELF?
- OKAY, SO I'M USED TO
SERVANTS AND LUXURIES
AND THE FINER THINGS OF LIFE.
- BUT YOU'RE WILLING
TO GIVE THEM UP FOR ME?
- OH, I'M WILLING TO TRY.
- AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK?
- OH, IT'LL WORK.
- AND IF IT DOESN'T?
- WELL, THEN WE'LL SIMPLY ASK
DADDY TO GIVE US A LITTLE HELP.
- LIKE MAYBE BUILD
US A LITTLE COTTAGE,
JUST 14 LITTLE ROOMS,
AND PUT A COUPLE OF CARS
IN OUR GARAGE, LITTLE
CARS, OF COURSE.
- DOBIE, I DON'T MIND BEING
POOR BUT I DON'T THINK
THERE'S ANY NEED TO BE
OSTENTATIOUS ABOUT IT.
- PAMELA, YOU REALLY
ARE A WONDERFUL GIRL
AND MAYBE I'M A JERK
NOT TO GRAB YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN MAYBE?
- OKAY, I'M A JERK.
- DOBIE, I WISH I COULD SAY I
ADMIRE YOUR INDEPENDENCE.
- BUT?
- BUT WHAT I REALLY THINK IS
THAT YOU'RE SOME SORT OF A NUT.
- BUT NO HARD FEELINGS?
- NONE, AND IF THIS
SUDDEN ATTACK OF NOBILITY
SHOULD WEAR OFF,
THERE'LL BE A LIGHT BURNING
IN MY WINDOW JUST FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU, PAMELA.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WILL YOU PLEASE LINE
UP FOR THE GRAND MARCH
AND THE JUDGING OF THE COSTUMES.
- GLORIA, GLORIA, GLORIA, I'VE
GOT SOME WONDERFUL NEWS.
- YOU JUST SPRAINED YOUR ANKLE?
- NO, GLORIA, I JUST HAD
A LONG TALK WITH PAMELA
AND I'VE REACHED A DECISION, NO
MORE JUNIOR EXECUTIVE TRAINING,
NO MORE USING PEOPLE
TO GET TO THE TOP,
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
JUST LIKE IT WAS BEFORE.
IN SHORT, GLORIA, I'M YOURS.
- MINE? OH, GEE,
DOBIE, I'M TOUCHED.
- I KNEW YOU WOULD BE, MY DEAR.
- BUT NOT ENOUGH.
- NOT ENOUGH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I'M SORRY, DOBIE,
BUT IT'S GONE.
I'VE DROPPED MY LAST
JELLY DONUT OVER YOU.
IT JUST ISN'T THERE ANYMORE.
- BUT YOU DID CARE ABOUT ME?
- WHAT I CARED ABOUT WAS
AN EAGER, AMBITIOUS KID
WITH A LOT OF CRAZY DREAMS
AND THE GUTS TO MAKE THEM HAPPEN
OR AT LEAST TRY TO
MAKE THEM HAPPEN.
I WASN'T FIGURING ON A SELLOUT.
- BUT I TOLD YOU,
GLORIA, I KICKED IT.
- FOR HOW LONG?
FOR AS LONG AS
YOU'LL STICK BY ME.
- NO SALE.
THE GUY I WANT DOESN'T HAVE TO
HAVE SOMEBODY TO STICK BY HIM.
ALL HE NEEDS IS HIS OWN HANDS
AND HIS OWN HEAD
AND HIS OWN HEART.
- GLORIA, I'LL DO IT.
WILL YOU WAIT FOR ME?
- WELL, I CAN'T
MAKE ANY PROMISES.
- OKAY, NO PROMISES,
BUT TELL ME THIS,
DO I HAVE REASON TO HOPE?
- WELL, YOU'RE
ALIVE, AREN'T YOU?
- SURE.
- WELL, WHERE THERE'S LIFE...
- THERE'S HOPE?
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE GRAND PRIZE FOR THE
BEST ORIGINAL COSTUME
GOES TO THE YOUNG MAN
DRESSED AS A CHIMNEY SWEEP.
- NO.
- WELL, THEN, A RAGPICKER.
- NO.
- JUNK COLLECTOR?
- NO, I'M MAYNARD G. KREBS AND
I WASN'T EVEN IN THE CONTEST.
I WANNA GO HOME!
- TONIGHT? 8:00-ISH?
YES, MY LAMB, 8:00-ISH
SHALL BE FINE-ISH.
UNTIL THEN, MY ANGEL.
- LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
- MAYNARD, I'M A
LITTLE BIT BUSY.
- HEY, DOBIE, YOU NOTICE
ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?
- NO, MAYNARD. MAYNARD.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
GONNA KICK ME AGAIN?
- IT ALL DEPENDS.
- DEPENDS ON WHAT?
- I'LL SHOW YOU.
HEY, GIRL, COME ON IN.
HEY, DOBE, ARE YOU
SORRY YOU WERE
SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK TO GLORIA?
- WELL, YES.
- HE SAYS HE'S SORRY HE
WAS SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK TO YOU.
- I'M SURE HE IS.
- WELL, I AIN'T.
HEY, DOBE, YOU GONNA TRY NOT
TO BE SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK TO
GLORIA FROM NOW ON?
- NOW, LOOK, MAYNARD...
- YES OR NO, GOOD BUDDY,
REMEMBER I STILL
GOT ONE HARD BOOT.
- ALL RIGHT, YES.
- HE SAYS HE'S GONNA TRY NOT
TO BE SUCH A LOUSE AND A RAT
AND A SKUNK FROM NOW ON.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD,
I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE.
- NOW WATCH IT, GIRL,
HE'S A TERRIBLE LIAR.
- MAYNARD.
- OH, OH, I KNOW DOBIE IS...
WELL, SHALL WE
SAY OPPORTUNISTIC.
- SHALL WE SAY SNEAKY?
- AND I'VE THOUGHT IT ALL OVER
AND I REALLY CAN'T FIND IT IN
MY HEART TO BE MAD AT DOBIE
FOR I KNOW DEEP DOWN
HE'S A GOOD PERSON.
- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- DOBE, IF YOU'D STILL
LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME
I'D BE PROUD AND PLEASED.
- THAT'S FINE, GLORIA,
I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.
- WHEN?
- SOON.
- TONIGHT.
- WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT
I'M KIND OF TIED UP TONIGHT.
YOU SEE, I'VE GOT THIS EXAM
IN CHEMISTRY TOMORROW.
- YOU AIN'T TAKING CHEMISTRY.
- DID I SAY CHEMISTRY?
HOW SILLY OF ME.
WHAT I MEANT IS I...
- WHAT YOU MEANT WAS YOU GOT
A DATE WITH THAT
SNAKY SOCIETY CHICK.
- NO, I HAVEN'T.
- YES, YOU HAVE.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE A MEDDLER.
- GIRL, DOBE IS MY DEAREST
FRIEND IN THE WORLD
AND YOU'RE, LIKE, RIGHT.
I MEAN, HE DOES HAVE
GOOD STUFF INSIDE OF HIM.
I MEAN, HE'S LIKE LOYAL AND
DECENT AND HONEST AND TRUE
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THIS
CRUMMY SPELL COMES OVER HIM
AND LIKE I SAID, THERE'S
ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
- MAYNARD, WHAT
DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
- DOBE, DO YOU WANNA KNOW
WHERE MY OTHER ARMY BOOT IS?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
LOOK, GLORIA.
OW!