The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 26 - The Truth Session - full transcript
Dobie being at home sick in bed with a head cold affects two other people. First, Zelda, who supposedly has eyes only for Dobie, decides to hit on new student Nate Gahagan, as Dobie not being around shows her that she needs a back up if something were to ever happen to Dobie. And second, Maynard, who has never told a lie, decides to lie to Mr. Pomfritt about why he doesn't have his history assignment completed. It isn't complete since Dobie has always done his homework. The result of the lie makes Maynard reevaluate the pros and cons of lying, eventually deciding to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Maynard, however, takes the truth telling to an extreme, and in the process alienates everyone around him. Seeing what telling the whole truth has done but still believing that telling the truth is an honorable thing, Maynard decides to take a drastic measure to protect his values while not hurting the people he loves.
- BAD HEALTH MAKES ME SICK.
I MEAN, WHEN I GET A COLD
IN MY HEAD LIKE I GOT NOW,
EVERYTHING GOES TO POT.
JUST LET ME GET LAID UP
FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS
AND, WHAM, THE WHOLE
WORLD CRUMBLES.
TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, ZELDA GILROY.
TO DOBIE, WITH LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, ZELDA.
SHE'S WIG FOR ME, THAT GIRL.
I'LL CONFESS THAT I DON'T
TREAT HER TOO GREAT.
IN FACT, I'M USUALLY TELLING
HER TO GET OFF MY BACK.
I LIKE HER, YOU
UNDERSTAND, BUT LOVE?
HUH-UH, NEGATIVE.
SO I KEEP TRYING TO LOSE
ZELDA, BUT SHE WON'T GET LOST.
SHE WANTS ME AND THAT'S IT.
NOBODY ELSE'LL DO.
FAITHFUL, LOYAL, DEVOTED ZELDA.
SO WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN I GOT SICK?
YEAH, FAITHFUL,
LOYAL, DEVOTED ZELDA,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST THAT
HAPPENED DURING MY ILLNESS.
YOU KNOW MY FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
TO DOBIE GILLIS FROM HIS
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS,
A GREAT AMERICAN.
WELL, THERE'S LOTS OF THINGS
YOU CAN SAY ABOUT MAYNARD.
HE'S A DUNCE, HE'S A DOLT,
HE'S A MESS, HE'S A NUT,
BUT THERE'S ONE THING
NOBODY CAN SAY ABOUT MAYNARD,
THAT HE'S A LIAR.
BENEATH THE SHABBY
EXTERIOR OF MAYNARD G. KREBS
THERE BEATS THE TRUEST,
MOST HONEST HEART
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
MAYNARD HAS NEVER, I REPEAT,
NEVER, TOLD A LIE IN HIS LIFE.
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH HAS
EVER COME OUT OF THAT BEARD.
THAT IS, UNTIL
THE DAY I GOT SICK.
- I'LL TELL YOU WHY I DON'T
HAVE MY HISTORY HOMEWORK,
MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I
SAT DOWN AT MY DESK
WITH A NICE BIG STACK
OF CLEAN WHITE PAPER
AND A BRAND NEW FOUNTAIN PEN
ALL READY TO DO MY HOMEWORK,
ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE WINDOW OPENED
AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF GYPSIES
JUMPED THROUGH THE WINDOW
AND STOLE ME!
[JAZZ THEME]
- ONE LITTLE FLU BUG SO SMALL
THAT IT'S NOT VISIBLE EVEN UNDER
THE MOST POWERFUL MICROSCOPE
BROUGHT MY WHOLE
WORLD CRASHING DOWN,
ONE LITTLE FLU BUG.
A COUPLE OF DAYS OUT OF
SCHOOL AND WHAT HAPPENS?
TOTAL ANNIHILATION.
LET ME START AT THE BEGINNING.
THE DAY STARTED AT S.
PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE
JUST LIKE ANY OTHER DAY
EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
I WASN'T THERE.
THERE WAS ZELDA,
MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY
BECAUSE I WASN'T AROUND.
I MEAN, THAT GIRL LIVES FOR ME.
I MEAN, SHE WOULDN'T
LOOK AT ANOTHER GUY.
- HELLO THERE!
- HI. IS THIS HISTORY 102?
- SURE IS, AND MY
NAME IS ZELDA GILROY
AND THE SEAT RIGHT
NEXT TO MINE IS VACANT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- NATE GAHAGAN.
- WHY, THAT'S A
PERFECTLY LOVELY NAME.
- NATE GAHAGAN IS A LOVELY NAME?
- MM-HM, IT'S GOT CHARACTER
AND SO HAVE YOU, NATE,
CHARACTER AND INTELLIGENCE.
I CAN SEE THAT. YOU GOT A GIRL?
- WELL, NOTHING SERIOUS.
- ME EITHER. NOTHING
SERIOUS, I MEAN.
I'VE GOT THIS ONE BOY WHO'S
APE FOR ME, DOBIE GILLIS.
- YOU MEAN THE ONE WHO
KEEPS TELLING YOU TO GET LOST?
- WELL, I KNOW IT
MIGHT LOOK THAT WAY.
- IT SURE DOES.
I REMEMBER ONCE WHEN
HE SAW YOU COMING,
HE DID 100 YARDS IN 9.2!
NOT BAD FOR A
GUY WITH FLAT FEET.
- HE WAS JUST
RUNNING FROM HIMSELF.
INSIDE HE'S REALLY
WILD ABOUT ME.
- SO HOW COME YOU'RE
MAKING A PITCH AT ME?
- WHO'S MAKING A PITCH?
A NEW KID TRANSFERS
INTO THE CLASS,
THE LEAST I CAN
DO IS BE FRIENDLY.
- ZELDA, NO OFFENSE,
BUT NO THANKS.
- YOU DON'T WANT A FRIEND?
- YOU DON'T WANT A FRIEND.
WHAT YOU WANT IS A
RESERVE ON THE BENCH
IN CASE GILLIS FINALLY
MAKES HIS GETAWAY.
- YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
- WELL, THAT'S MY
BUSINESS, JUMPING.
I'M CENTER ON THE
BASKETBALL TEAM.
THAT IS, IF I START GETTING
A FEW PASSING GRADES.
AND, BELIEVE ME, ZELDA,
FOR ME THAT AIN'T EASY.
SO RIGHT NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D JUST AS SOON NOT GET
CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE
BETWEEN YOU AND GILLIS.
I GOT ENOUGH TROUBLES.
- SMALL GIRL, DON'T TALK TO ME.
- I WASN'T GOING TO.
I'M NOT GONNA TALK
TO ANYBODY EVER AGAIN!
PEOPLE ARE NO DARN GOOD!
- ESPECIALLY THIS PEOPLE.
- YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY!
A GORGEOUS HUNK OF MAN
CONCEALS A HEART OF STONE!
- ESPECIALLY THIS
GORGEOUS HUNK OF MAN!
- MAYNARD, I KNOW
I'M GONNA REGRET THIS,
BUT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- THAT!
- MY HOMEWORK?
- YEAH.
MR. POMFRITT SAID ANYBODY
WHO DIDN'T TURN THEIR HOMEWORK
IN WAS GONNA GET A
FLUNK FOR SURE, TRUE?
- AND YOU HAVEN'T
GOT YOURS, TRUE?
- HOW COULD I HAVE MY
HOMEWORK? DOBE'S SICK IN BED.
- YOU MEAN YOU BEEN
SITTING UP WITH DOBIE?
- I MEAN DOBE ALWAYS
DOES MY HOMEWORK.
- THIS IS SERIOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
TELL MR. POMFRITT?
- I'M GONNA TELL HIM A LIE.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- YEAH, ME, MAYNARD
G. HONORABLE,
I'M GONNA TELL A LIE.
- YOU NEVER TOLD A
LIE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
- MAYBE EVEN LONGER.
- SO WHAT'S COME OVER YOU NOW?
- BELIEVE ME, SMALL GIRL,
THIS WAS NO EASY DECISION.
I BEEN UP HALF THE
NIGHT THINKING ABOUT IT.
I BET I DIDN'T GET MORE
THAN LIKE 12, 14 HOURS SLEEP.
- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T TELL A
LIE! YOU'RE JUST NOT THE TYPE.
YOU STAND ALONE, MAYNARD.
THERE ISN'T ANOTHER
HUMAN BEING LIKE YOU.
- I GOTTA GIVE YOU THAT.
- OH, DON'T DO IT.
PLEASE, MAYNARD.
UNDERNEATH THOSE RAGS
AND TATTERS BEATS A HEART
THAT'S SWEET AND CLEAN AND PURE.
- I THOUGHT YOU
THOUGHT I WAS A NUT.
- YOU ARE A NUT, BUT
YOU'RE AN HONEST NUT.
- PLEASE, SMALL GIRL, DON'T
MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME.
I JUST GOTTA LIE
TO MR. POMFRITT.
- YOU CAN'T!
- I GOTTA!
- YOU CAN'T!
- I GOTTA!
- OH, MR. KREBS, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU THINK YOU GOTTA,
BUT I KNOW WHAT I
KNOW YOU GOTTA.
YOU GOTTA TURN IN YOUR
HISTORY ASSIGNMENT TODAY
AND SO DOES EVERYBODY
ELSE IN THIS CLASS.
AND, NO, REPEAT, NO
EXCUSES WILL BE ACCEPTED.
DOES ANYBODY WANT TO TRY ME?
- ME, YOUR PROFESSORSHIP!
- YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR
HOMEWORK, MR. KREBS?
- NO, AND YOU WANNA
KNOW WHY I DON'T HAVE IT?
- I DO KNOW WHY.
YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
- RIGHT, AND YOU WANNA
KNOW WHY I DIDN'T DO IT?
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- WELL, SIR, I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHY I HAVEN'T GOT MY
HISTORY HOMEWORK, SIR.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I
SAT DOWN AT MY DESK
WITH A NICE BIG CLEAN
STACK OF WHITE PAPER
AND A BRAND NEW FOUNTAIN PEN
ALL READY TO DO MY HOMEWORK,
ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE WINDOW OPENED
AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF GYPSIES
JUMPED THROUGH THE WINDOW
AND STOLE ME!
THEY TOOK ME TO THEIR SECRET
HIDING PLACE IN THE WOODS
AND THEY BOUND ME
UP WITH GOLDEN CHAINS
AND THEY BLINDFOLDED MY
EYES WITH A BIG RED BANANA!
- THAT'S BANDANA, MR. KREBS.
THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS
STORY I'VE EVER HEARD!
- PRETTY PATHETIC, HUH?
- IT'S PITIFUL, BUT
PRAY CONTINUE.
- REALLY?
WELL, AFTER THE GYPSIES FELL
ASLEEP AROUND THE CAMPFIRE,
I KIND OF SQUISHED MYSELF UP AND
ESCAPED FROM THE GOLDEN CHAINS
AND I GRABBED A GYPSY'S GUITAR
AND I KNOCKED
OUT THE GYPSY KING.
I LEAPT OVER THE CAMPFIRE
AND RAN THROUGH THE WOODS
BECAUSE THEIR BIG FEROCIOUS
DOGS WERE AFTER ME.
AND I JUMPED IN THE
LAKE AND SWAM ALL NIGHT
UNTIL I REACHED CIVILIZATION
AND THAT'S WHY I HAVEN'T
GOT MY HISTORY HOMEWORK!
- MR. KREBS, I CAN
ONLY SAY ONE THING.
- THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.
- I BELIEVE YOU.
- OH, COME NOW!
- I MUST AGREE THAT NEVER IN
MY LONG YEARS AS A TEACHER
HAVE I EVER HEARD SUCH A
FANTASTICALLY INSANE STORY.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- AT THE SAME TIME,
NEVER IN MY LONG
YEARS AS A TEACHER
HAVE I EVER HAD A PUPIL
WHO NEVER, NOT
ONCE EVER, TOLD A LIE
EXCEPT YOU, MR. KREBS.
AND THEREFORE, ALTHOUGH
MY EVERY INSTINCT TELLS ME
THAT I SHOULD GIVE YOU A FLUNK,
I MUST ACCEPT YOUR EXCUSE.
- HEY, ZELD, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE?
THIS LYING IS GREAT STUFF.
- YOU HEARD THAT.
MY FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HONEST MAYNARD G. KREBS,
TRUTHFUL MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HAS JUST TOLD HIS FIRST LIE
AND HE'S GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT.
YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID TO ZELDA.
- HEY, ZELD, WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME BEFORE?
THIS LYING IS GREAT STUFF.
- THE FEET OF MAYNARD G. KREBS
ARE ON THE PRIMROSE
PATH TO PERDITION.
AND HERE I AM STUCK IN
BED WITH THIS ROTTEN COLD.
WHO, OH, WHO WILL
SAVE MAYNARD G. KREBS?
- ME. OH, ME! I WILL SAVE
YOU, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- SAVE ME FROM WHAT,
SMALL GIRL? I GOT IT MADE.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE WRONG!
- MAYNARD, I'M RIGHT.
LOOK, SMALL GIRL, ALL MY LIFE
I'VE BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH
AND ALL I BEEN GETTING IS LUMPS.
NOW FOR THE FIRST
TIME, I TELL A LIE
AND I COME UP
SMELLING LIKE A ROSE.
- LISTEN!
- NO, SMALL GIRL.
MY HEAD'S MADE UP.
FROM NOW ON, NOTHING'S
COMING OUT OF THIS MOUTH
BUT BIG BLACK LIES.
I'M TAKING CARE OF NUMBER ONE.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
YOU TAKE CARE OF NUMBER
ONE. NEVER MIND ABOUT ME.
- WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO
WITH YOU IF I TELL LIES?
- LOOK, MAYNARD,
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION
TO ALL OF US.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- YES, YOU!
IN THIS WORLD OF TREACHERY
AND STRIFE, THERE YOU STAND,
SIMPLE, SWEET, TRUTHFUL.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, PRETTY MISTY.
- YOU STAY MISTY, MAYNARD.
STAY PURE, STAY
TRUSTING, STAY INNOCENT,
STAY THE SAME
DEAR, UNCOMPLICATED,
HONEST MAYNARD G.
KREBS YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
- OH, THANK YOU, ZELDA, FOR
SHOWING ME THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.
OH, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
TRY TO CONTROL YOURSELF.
- I HATE TO INTRUDE ON THIS
TOUCHING DEMONSTRATION,
BUT MAY ONE INQUIRE THE REASON?
- OH!
I'M SO SORRY, PROFESSORSHIP!
I TOLD A BIG FAT LIE!
I DIDN'T GET STOLE
BY NO GYPSIES!
IN FACT, I GOT NO EXCUSE AT ALL
FOR MY HISTORY HOMEWORK
NOT BEING TURNED IN.
OH, PUNISH ME, MR. POMFRITT,
FOR I'VE BEEN BAD.
- MR. KREBS, ARISE.
- YOU GONNA PUNISH
ME NOW, MR. P., HUH?
- MR. KREBS, IF MEMORY SERVES,
THIS IS A CLASS IN HISTORY.
AND IF HISTORY
TEACHES US ONE THING,
IT IS THAT TYRANNY FALLS,
SCOUNDRELS ARE DRIVEN OUT
AND, IN THE END,
HONESTY ALWAYS PREVAILS.
BUT YOU ALREADY
KNOW THIS, MR. KREBS.
I'M NOT GONNA PUNISH YOU.
INSTEAD, BECAUSE YOU'VE
BEEN HONEST WITH ME,
I AM GOING TO GIVE
YOU A PASSING GRADE,
YOUR FIRST, I BELIEVE.
- NO KIDDING, MR. POMFRITT?
- NO KIDDING, MR. KREBS.
- WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
- PLEASE, MR. KREBS. NO
UNSEEMLY DISPLAY OF EMOTION.
- ZELD, YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
- WELL, I'M GLAD
SOMEBODY THINKS SO.
- I MEAN, ABOUT ALWAYS
TELLING THE TRUTH.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT.
- YES, MAYNARD.
- I'M GONNA STAY THE SAME
SWEET, LOVABLE, HONEST KID
I ALWAYS BEEN.
- FINE, MAYNARD.
- OH, WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
- YES, MAYNARD.
- I'M A DARLING.
- UH-HUH.
- I'M A CUDDLE BUNNY.
- UH-HUH.
- YOU'RE A NUT!
- UH-HUH.
BUT I'M ALWAYS GONNA DO
LIKE YOU SAID, SMALL GIRL.
I'M ALWAYS GONNA TELL
THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH
AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
- NOW, I LOVE THE TRUTH.
LET'S GET THAT
STRAIGHT IMMEDIATELY.
I LOVE THE TRUTH.
I ALSO LOVE MY MOM'S APPLE PIE,
BUT THERE'S SUCH A THING
AS TOO MUCH APPLE PIE.
THERE'S ALSO, I'VE FOUND OUT,
SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH TRUTH.
- LIKE, HI, MR. G. IS
DOBE OUT OF BED YET?
- NOT YET.
- GEE, IT'S TWO WHOLE DAYS.
AWFUL LONG TIME TO STAY IN BED.
- YES, MAYNARD.
- YOU SURE HE AIN'T DEAD
AND YOU'RE TRYING
TO KEEP IT FROM ME?
SO TELL ME,
MR. G. I CAN TAKE IT.
- MAYNARD! DOBE HAS
A COLD IN HIS HEAD!
HE'LL BE UP IN A DAY OR TWO!
HE'S FINE. I'M FINE.
EVERYBODY'S FINE.
- YOU'RE FINE? OH, COME NOW.
- OF COURSE I'M FINE.
- YOU DON'T LOOK FINE.
I MEAN, YOUR EYES ARE
ALL KIND OF RED AND PUFFY
AND YOUR FACE IS ALL KIND
OF MEAN AND SQUINCHED UP
AND YOU'RE ALL KIND OF
HUNCHED OVER AND STOOPED.
- MAYNARD, ARE YOU
TRYING FOR A FAT EAR?
- NO, SIR, I'M ONLY
TELLING THE TRUTH
'CAUSE THAT'S ALL
I TELL, THE TRUTH.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SAYS THE
TRUTH STANDS ON TWO LEGS,
A LIE ON ONE.
- AND HERBERT T. GILLIS SAYS
YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
WHILE YOU STILL GOT
TWO LEGS TO GET OUT ON.
- VERY WELL, SIR.
BUT BEFORE I GO, I'D LIKE TO
MAKE ANOTHER OBSERVATION.
I DON'T CARE HOW
YOU COMB YOUR HAIR,
I CAN STILL SEE THE BALD SPOT.
- THAT DOES IT!
OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MISS. MAY I HELP YOU?
- GOOD MORNING. AM I
INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
- OH, NO. JUST A LITTLE
FRIENDLY HORSEPLAY
WITH ONE OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD LADS.
HERE, MAYNARD. HAVE A CUMQUAT.
- GEE, THANKS, MR. G. YOU
NEVER GAVE ME NOTHING BEFORE,
NOT EVEN THE TIME OF DAY.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD. RUN
ALONG LIKE A GOOD BOY.
YOU'RE NEW IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?
- YES. WE JUST MOVED IN.
I THOUGHT I'D STOCK
UP ON A FEW GROCERIES.
- OOH, YES, MA'AM, FIRE ONE.
- TOMATOES?
- OH, TOMATOES! OH, YES!
PICKED AND SELECTED
WITH FRIENDLY, LOVING CARE.
- YEAH. ALL THE BIG RED ONES
HAVE BEEN PICKED AND SELECTED
AND PUT ON THE TOP.
- NEIGHBORHOOD COMIC!
- YEAH, AND ALL THE
LITTLE GREEN HARD ONES
HAVE BEEN PICKED AND
SELECTED FOR THE BOTTOM.
- OH, WHAT A CARD YOU ARE!
DID YOU WANT ONE OR
TWO BASKETS, MA'AM?
- I THINK I'LL PASS
UP THE TOMATOES.
- GOOD THINKING, I WOULDN'T
GET ANY TOMATOES EITHER.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- NO, STICK AROUND, KID.
HOW ARE YOUR EGGS? FRESH?
- FRESH?
OH, WE JUST GOT A SHIPMENT
IN FROM THE COUNTRY
NOT MORE THAN...
- THREE WEEKS AGO.
DOBE AND ME HELPED
UNLOAD THE TRUCK, REMEMBER?
- OH, WHAT A CUTUP!
YOU SHOULD SEE HIM WITH
A LAMPSHADE ON HIS HEAD.
I WISH YOU COULD RIGHT NOW.
HOW MANY DID YOU WANT,
MISS? ONE OR TWO DOZEN?
YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR LIST AWAY?
- IS THIS THE ONLY
GROCERY AROUND HERE?
- OH, NO, THERE'S BRUNDIDGE'S.
- BRUNDIDGE'S?
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO
TRADE AT BRUNDIDGE'S.
WHY, BRUNDIDGE IS EXPENSIVE.
BRUNDIDGE IS UN-POLITE
AND BRUNDIDGE...
- IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
- THANKS, KID.
- MAYNARD!
YOU INGRATE!
YOU FLAP-JAW!
YOU BIG MOUTH!
- NOW, HERBERT!
- YOU...
- NOW, HERBERT!
- DON'T NOW HERBERT ME!
DID YOU HEAR WHAT THIS
SNAKE IN THE GRASS JUST SAID?
- NO, DEAR, I DIDN'T.
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T
GET ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT
AND WOKE UP WITH A SHORT TEMPER
IS NO REASON TO TAKE
IT OUT ON MAYNARD!
AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT
THAT YOU STAYED AT THE
GROCERS' CONVENTION
UNTIL 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
- WHAT GROCERS' CONVENTION?
HE WAS DOWN AT THE
BISON HALL SHOOTING POOL.
- I WAS NOT!
- SURE YOU WAS, MR. G.
I SAW YOU DOWN THERE LAST NIGHT
THROUGH THE BASEMENT WINDOW.
I WAS OUT THERE
PICKING UP TINFOIL.
THAT'S MY HOBBY, MRS.
G., PICKING UP TINFOIL.
I GOT THE BIGGEST
BALL OF TINFOIL
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD,
MAYBE THE WHOLE WORLD.
- SO, SHOOTING POOL
AGAIN, AFTER YOU PROMISED!
- OH, DON'T YOU TALK
TO ME ABOUT PROMISES!
YOU GAVE ME YOUR SOLEMN OATH
THAT YOU WOULDN'T BUY
ANOTHER HAT THIS YEAR,
SO WHAT WAS THAT YOU CAME
IN WITH YESTERDAY AFTERNOON?
- WELL, IT WAS SUCH A BARGAIN,
MARKED DOWN FROM $35 TO $6.95.
- OH, NO, MRS. G.
THAT WAS $16.95.
- IT WAS NOT!
- SURE IT WAS, MY MOTHER
WENT SHOPPING WITH YOU.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
- AHA!
- AHA YOURSELF!
- DON'T TALK ABOUT
PROMISES TO ME!
- DON'T TALK TO ME AT ALL!
- OH, THAT SUITS ME JUST FINE!
- GOOD MORNING,
MR. GILLIS, MRS. GILLIS.
HOW'S DOBIE?
- THEY TOLD ME HE WASN'T
DEAD, BUT THEY'RE AWFUL LIARS.
- WHAT A RIDICULOUS IDEA.
DOBIE WILL BE FINE
IN A DAY OR TWO.
- I DON'T SUPPOSE
I COULD SEE HIM?
- YOU BETTER NOT, DEAR. HE
MIGHT STILL BE CONTAGIOUS.
- OKAY, WELL, JUST
TELL HIM I CAME BY
AND TELL HIM THAT I'M
THINKING ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME
EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.
- UH, WERE YOU
THINKING ABOUT HIM
WHEN YOU MADE A
PASS AT NATE GAHAGAN?
- I DID NOT MAKE A PASS.
- OOH, WHAT A WHOPPER!
YOU PRACTICALLY FLUNG YOURSELF
ON HIM LIKE A BOA CONSTRUCTOR.
- THAT'S CONSTRICTOR,
AND I DIDN'T!
- I'M SORRY, ZELDA,
BUT I'M AFRAID I GOTTA GO
ALONG WITH BIG MOUTH HERE.
- AND I DO TOO!
AND I MUST SAY, ZELDA,
I'M JUST A TINY BIT SHOCKED.
I MEAN, THERE HE
IS, MY POOR BABY,
UPSTAIRS IN HIS BED OF PAIN
AND HERE YOU ARE THROWING
YOURSELF AT THE FIRST MAN
THAT COMES ALONG!
- YEP, THAT'S WHAT SHE DID.
- PERHAPS IT'S NOT
MY PLACE TO SAY SO,
BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE
PROPER WAY FOR A GIRL TO BEHAVE
WHO CLAIMS TO BE
IN LOVE WITH DOBIE.
- OH, I AM, I AM!
- WHY, THERE HE IS UP
THERE WITH A RAGING FEVER.
I TOLD HIM HE WAS
WORKING TOO HARD.
AND DO YOU KNOW
THAT LAST TUESDAY,
HE DIDN'T GET HOME FROM THE
LIBRARY UNTIL AFTER MIDNIGHT?
- WHAT LIBRARY?
LAST TUESDAY, HE WAS OUT
SKATING WITH BUBBLES CLANCY.
- HE WAS?
HE TOLD ME HE WAS
AT THE LIBRARY TOO!
WHY, THAT LYING RAT!
- SPEAKING OF LYING RATS, MISS,
YOU DON'T DO SUCH A BAD
JOB YOURSELF, NO OFFENSE.
- YOU NEITHER,
MR. G., NO OFFENSE.
YOU NEITHER, MRS.
G., NO OFFENSE.
IN FACT, THIS WHOLE
FAMILY'S LIKE A NEST OF LIARS,
NO OFFENSE.
- IT SURE IS,
AND I'M GETTING OUT AND
FOR GOOD AND RIGHT NOW!
- HOLD! HOLD, HO-HO-HO.
OH, DEAR FRIENDS, DON'T YOU
SEE THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS?
OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE
WHEN FIRST WE
PRACTICE TO DECEIVE!
THE TRUTH STANDS ON
TWO LEGS, A LIE ON ONE.
OH, FRIENDS, IT IS NOT TOO
LATE TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS
AND BE LIKE LOVABLE ME.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS TELL
THE TRUTH ALL THE TIME
AND YOU TOO CAN BE CLEAN
AND PURE AND SWEET INSIDE
JUST LIKE ADORABLE ME.
OH, DEAR FRIENDS,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- All: OH, SHUT UP!
- NATE, I'VE GOT THE MOST
WONDERFUL NEWS FOR YOU!
- I DOUBT IT.
- DOBIE GILLIS AND I
ARE FINALLY, UTTERLY,
DEFINITELY, COMPLETELY
AND POSITIVELY THROUGH!
I'M A FREE WOMAN!
- SO?
- SO THERE'S NOTHING
STANDING IN OUR WAY ANYMORE.
DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU WERE AFRAID YOU'D
BE A PAWN IN SOME GAME
BETWEEN DOBIE AND ME.
WELL, THAT'S NO LONGER
TRUE. I'M YOURS, ALL YOURS.
- ZELDA, YOU MAKE IT AWFUL HARD
FOR A FELLA TO BE A GENTLEMAN.
I DON'T WANNA HURT YOUR FEELINGS
AND I'M GONNA HATE
MYSELF FOR SAYING THIS,
BUT WHO NEEDS YOU?
- YOU DO, YOU GREAT NINNY!
- NO, I DON'T!
- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I'M SMART, TALENTED,
LOYAL, DEVOTED AND STRONG.
MY APPENDIX IS OUT
AND I HAVEN'T GOT A
CAVITY IN MY WHOLE HEAD.
- SWELL, ZELDA,
BUT ARE YOU RICH?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT
TO HAVE A RICH GIRL.
- NATE? AM I HEARING CORRECTLY?
- YES, YOU ARE.
- YOU, NATE GAHAGAN, GENTLEMAN,
ATHLETE, MEMBER OF THE Y,
YOU WANNA MARRY FOR MONEY?
- IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF WANNA.
IT'S A QUESTION OF HAVE TO.
LOOK, ZELDA, THERE'S ONE
THING IN THE WORLD I CAN DO,
SHOOT BASKETS.
NOW HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GONNA
MAKE A LIVING SHOOTING BASKETS?
IF I WAS TALL ENOUGH,
I COULD TURN PRO.
BUT I'M A LITTLE TINY
FELLA, JUST SIX FOOT ONE.
SO YOU SEE, I GOTTA MARRY MONEY.
- SO WHAT'S THE
PROBLEM, NATE? I'M LOADED.
- YOU ARE?
- SURE.
DADS IS IN THE AUTOMOTIVE GAME.
EGAD, HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN!
- ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH?
- AM I TELLING THE
TRUTH? I APPEAL TO YOU.
AM I TELLING THE TRUTH?
- NO, ZELDA.
WHAT YOU'RE TELLING IS A
BUNCH OF BIG, FAT, ENORMOUS LIES.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA LISTEN
TO MAYNARD, ARE YOU?
- YEP.
- OH, FOR SHAME, FOR
SHAME, FOR SHAME, ZELDA!
I MEAN, WHAT FABRICATIONS
AND FALSEHOODS!
THAT'S, LIKE, LIES.
I LOOKED IT UP IN THIS BOOK,
"101 WISE SAYINGS ABOUT TRUTH."
YOU KIDS OUGHT TO GET A COPY,
ESPECIALLY YOU,
ZELDA, YOU BIG LIAR.
- MAYNARD, COULD WE GET
BACK TO ZELDA'S MONEY?
- MONEY?
I DON'T THINK THE WHOLE
FAMILY SAW $50 ALTOGETHER.
- SHE SAID HER FATHER WAS
IN THE AUTOMOTIVE GAME.
- HE RUNS A BROKEN-DOWN
BODY AND FENDER SHOP.
HE EVEN WEARS
OVERALLS TO SUPPER.
- ZELDA?
- YES, NATE.
- DON'T CALL ME, I'LL CALL YOU.
- DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER
THAT THE TRUTH IS OUT?
I MEAN, DON'T YOU KIND OF FEEL
LIKE ALL WARM AND GLOWY INSIDE?
- MAYNARD, TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
THERE ARE TIMES TO TELL
THE TRUTH AND TIMES NOT TO.
- OH, FOR SHAME, ZELDA.
THERE IS NEVER A TIME
NOT TO TELL THE TRUTH.
I MEAN, NEVER!
- BRAVO, MR. KREBS! WELL SAID!
- THANK YOU, YOUR
CAP AND GOWNSHIP.
- AND AS FOR YOU, MISS GILROY, I
MUST CONFESS MYSELF SURPRISED.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT
IT IS EVER RIGHT FOR
PEOPLE TO TELL A LIE?
- WELL, SIR, I DIDN'T
MEAN LIE EXACTLY.
I JUST MEANT THAT SOMETIMES
IT'S BETTER TO BE A LITTLE TACTFUL.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T NECESSARILY
HAVE TO TELL ALL THE TRUTH
ALL THE TIME.
- WELL, I'M SORRY, MISS GILROY,
I CAN'T GO ALONG WITH THAT.
TO ME THE TRUTH
IS ALWAYS PROPER,
ALWAYS IN SEASON,
ALWAYS IN STYLE.
WHY, THE TRUTH IS
A SHINING GARMENT
THAT ADORNS THE
MAN WHO WEARS IT.
- AND YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
ABOUT SHINY GARMENTS.
- THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, TAKE THAT
BLUE SUIT OF YOURS.
IT'S SO SHINY I COULD COMB
MY HAIR IN THE BACK OF IT
IF I COMBED MY HAIR, THAT IS.
- OH, REALLY?
- OF COURSE, THAT JACKET YOU
GOT ON TODAY AIN'T SO SHINY.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S MORE LIKE TACKY.
IT KIND OF GOES ALONG
WITH YOUR NECKTIE.
- REALLY?
- AND THEM PANTS.
MAN, THEY'RE SO BAGGY.
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SOMEBODY
ELSE IN THERE WITH YOU!
- MR. KREBS, IT MAY
INTEREST YOU TO KNOW
THAT MANY PEOPLE CONSIDER
ME A SPIFFY DRESSER.
- NAME ONE PEOPLE.
- WELL, I DO.
I THINK YOU'RE A VERY
DAPPER FELLOW, MR. POMFRITT.
- AND I THINK YOU'RE
A LIAR, MISS GILROY.
- YEP, THAT'S WHAT SHE IS.
- AND YOU, MR. KREBS,
ARE A BOOR.
AND IF EITHER OF YOU WANTS
TO TRANSFER FROM MY CLASS,
I WILL PLACE NO
OBSTACLES IN YOUR WAY!
- GEE, I THINK HE
WAS KIND OF SORE.
- I THINK EVERYBODY'S
KIND OF SORE.
- YOU TOO, ZELDA?
- WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
JUST LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE
IN THE PAST COUPLE OF HOURS
WITH THAT BIG TRUTH-TELLING
MOUTH OF YOURS.
NUMBER ONE,
MR. POMFRITT HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER TWO,
NATE HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER... WHY
DOES NATE HATE YOU?
- WHY NOT?
- GOOD POINT. WHERE WAS I?
- NUMBER TWO.
- OH, YEAH, NUMBER THREE,
DOBIE'S FATHER HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER FOUR, DOBIE'S
MOTHER HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER FIVE,
DOBIE'S FATHER
HATES DOBIE'S MOTHER.
NUMBER SIX, DOBIE'S MOTHER
HATES DOBIE'S FATHER.
NUMBER SEVEN, I HATE DOBIE!
OH, MAYNARD, YOU'VE DONE
A PRETTY GOOD DAY'S WORK,
YOU AND YOUR TRUTH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I
THINK, SMALL GIRL?
I DON'T THINK THIS TOWN
IS READY FOR ME YET.
- MAYBE THE ENTIRE WORLD.
- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
- MAYBE I AM.
- MAYBE I OUGHT TO GO AWAY
BY MYSELF AND BECOME A HELMET.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S HERMIT.
MAYBE YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.
- MAYBE THAT'S JUST
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
- MAYBE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.
- BUT MAYBE BEFORE I GO,
MAYBE I'M GONNA TELL A
FEW PEOPLE A FEW THINGS.
- WELL, NATURALLY, ZELDA DIDN'T
THINK MAYNARD WOULD RUN AWAY
AND BECOME A
HELMET... ER, HERMIT.
I MEAN, MAYNARD'S
ALWAYS THREATENING
TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY
LIKE JOINING THE FOREIGN LEGION
OR BECOMING A TIGHTROPE WALKER.
IN FACT, LAST YEAR HE SAID HE
WAS GONNA GIVE UP EVERYTHING
AND BECOME AN USHER.
HE'S WILD ABOUT
MOVIES, THAT GUY.
BUT IT'S JUST BIG TALK AND
NOBODY TAKES HIM SERIOUSLY.
- EXCUSE ME, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO
YOU AND KINDLY DON'T INTERRUPT.
- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH THAT SUITCASE?
- THERE YOU GO INTERRUPTING!
YOU DON'T LIKE PEOPLE
TO INTERRUPT YOU, DO YOU?
- NO, BUT...
- OKAY, I ACCEPT YOUR
APOLOGY. ARE YOU READY?
- FOR WHAT?
- THE FOLLOWING.
I AM A MAN WHO TELLS THE TRUTH.
YOU MAY NEVER SEE ME
AGAIN AFTER I SAY THIS,
BUT I GOTTA SAY
WHAT I GOTTA SAY.
MR. POMFRITT, SIR, SHAME ON YOU.
YOU ARE THE WORST
DRESSER I EVER SAW
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR ME.
- THANK YOU FOR
THAT DISTINCTION.
- I'LL EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION.
NOW IS THAT A WAY FOR
A TEACHER TO DRESS?
YOU STAND UP HERE
TELLING US ABOUT CULTURE
AND ART AND BEAUTY
AND YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING
THE CAT DRAGGED IN, NO OFFENSE.
NOW HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYBODY
TO LEARN ANYTHING
ABOUT CULTURE AND BEAUTY
WITH YOU LOOKING
LIKE A ONE-MAN SLUM?
NO OFFENSE.
MR. POMFRITT, SIR, YOU THINK
YOU ARE A GOOD TEACHER,
BUT I SAY YOU'RE NOT...
ZELDA, I AM A MAN
WHO TELLS THE TRUTH.
YOU MAY NEVER SEE
ME AFTER I SAY THIS,
BUT I GOTTA SAY
WHAT I GOTTA SAY.
ZELDA, YOU ARE CERTAINLY A
DUMBBELL FOR SUCH A SMART CHICK.
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT,
IF YOU GET A FELLA BY
TREACHERY AND FALSEHOOD,
SOMEDAY HE WILL
REALIZE IT AND HE WILL...
HATE YOU FOR THE
REST OF HIS LIFE.
IF YOU REALLY WANT A
FELLOW TO LOVE YOU,
YOU'VE GOT TO
PLAY IT DEAD HONEST
BECAUSE THE ONLY
KIND OF LOVE THAT LASTS
IS A LOVE THAT IS
BUILT ON TRUTH...
MR. G., DID YOU EVER STOP
TO THINK HOW LUCKY YOU ARE
HAVING A WIFE LIKE MRS. G.?
I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE ALL THE
TIME YELLING AND HOLLERING
AND PINCHING PENNIES
AND THERE SHE IS
ALL THE TIME SMILING
AND BEING SWEET AND CUDDLY.
- NOW JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- QUIET, HERBERT!
I'M SORRY, MAYNARD.
YOU WILL HAVE TO
EXCUSE MR. GILLIS.
- IT SEEMS TO ME, MR. G.,
I WOULDN'T BE ALL THE TIME
DOWN AT THE BISON HALL
SHOOTING POOL AND
ROARING AND YELLING
AND SNORTING WITH
ALL THOSE BIG FAT FELLAS
IF I HAD SUCH A SWEET
AND CUDDLY WIFE.
- I WOULD STOP YOU NOW,
MAYNARD, AND THANK YOU,
EXCEPT THAT I DON'T WANT YOU
TO LOSE YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
- HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT
IS A SLOW FREIGHT!
- HUSH!
GO ON, MAYNARD.
- HAVE YOU EVER
STOPPED TO THINK, MRS. G.,
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?
- OH, NO, MAYNARD, THAT'S
YOUR LINE FOR HERBERT.
- IT'S ALSO MY LINE FOR YOU.
MRS. G., YOU'RE ONE
OF THE LUCKIEST LADIES
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
OH, SURE, MR. G. IS
MEAN AND ROTTEN,
NO OFFENSE, BUT HE ALSO
WORKS LONG AND HARD
TO PROVIDE YOU WITH
FOOD AND CLOTHING
AND A ROOF OVER
YOUR OLD GRAY HEAD.
I MEAN, HE'S UP AT
DAWN EVERY MORNING.
- SOMETIMES EARLIER.
- AND HE WORKS UNTIL
SEVEN OR EIGHT EACH NIGHT.
- NINE OR 10.
- AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE
GOING OUT AND SPENDING MONEY
FOR CRAZY HATS WHICH
YOU DON'T NEED ANYHOW
BECAUSE MR. G. IS TOO STINGY
EVER TO TAKE YOU OUT ANYPLACE...
- IT'S A GOOD THING
I WAS SICK IN BED
OR MAYNARD MIGHT
HAVE TICKED ME OFF TOO.
WELL, THAT CONCLUDED
MAYNARD'S LECTURING FOR THE DAY,
BUT THERE WAS MORE
COMING, PLENTY MORE.
- THERE HE IS!
- MAYNARD!
MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T DO IT!
- HEY, GIVE ME BACK MY SUITCASE!
- PLEASE STAY, MAYNARD!
- PLEASE!
- PRETTY PLEASE!
- PRETTY PLEASE
WITH SUGAR ON IT?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- NOW MAYNARD, NOW!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- WHOA! WHOA! IF YOU
WISH TO TALK TO ME,
YOU MUST APPOINT A SPOKESMAN
AND BEHAVE IN A
PARLIAMENTARY MANNER.
- ALL RIGHT, POMFRITT.
YOU'RE THE GABBY TYPE.
START TALKING.
- YES, MR. POMFRITT.
- VERY WELL.
MAYNARD, WE FOUR HAVE CONSULTED
AND, ALTHOUGH WE AGREE THAT
THE BLUNTNESS OF YOUR APPROACH
HAD A CERTAIN LACK OF DIPLOMACY,
STILL, ITS CONTENT
HAD THE RING OF VERITY.
- WHAT HE'S TRYING TO
SAY IS YOU MADE SENSE.
- YOU OPENED MY EYES.
- AND MINE.
- YES, MAYNARD, AND MINE.
YOU WERE RIGHT, OF COURSE,
ABOUT MY OTHER CLOTHES.
- AND YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT MY CHASING FELLAS.
- AND YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT
ME BEING A LUCKY WOMAN.
- OH, AND YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT ME BEING A LUCKY GUY.
- THEN YOU AIN'T SORE AT ME?
- MAYNARD, WE LOVE YOU.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- YES, EVEN ME, MAYNARD.
SON, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
- YOU'RE A FINE HUMAN BEING.
- A FINE, INTELLIGENT
HUMAN BEING,
AND I NEVER THOUGHT
THE DAY WOULD COME
WHEN I'D SAY THAT.
- WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
- OKAY, MAYNARD,
GIVE ME THE SUITCASE.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT
WITH MY SUITCASE?
- WE DON'T WANT
YOUR SUITCASE, DEAR.
WE JUST DON'T WANT
YOU TO GO AWAY.
WE WANT YOU TO
STAY WITH US ALWAYS.
- WHO'S GOING AWAY? WHERE?
- CONCENTRATE, MAYNARD.
YOU HAVE TO BE GOING AWAY.
YOU'RE CARRYING A SUITCASE.
- WELL, I'M NOT
GOING AWAY REALLY.
I'M JUST GOING TO THE MOVIES.
- WITH A SUITCASE?
- YEAH, IT'S A TRIPLE FEATURE.
MMM, BOY, IT'S REALLY A
GAS OF A TRIPLE FEATURE.
I'VE SEEN IT ABOUT
EIGHT OR 10 TIMES NOW.
YOU WANNA COME?
- MAYNARD, JUST TO SATISFY
AN OLD MAN'S CURIOSITY,
WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH
A SUITCASE IN THE MOVIES?
- OH, MR. G., IT'S
A TRIPLE FEATURE.
I GET HUNGRY.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- WHO'S THAT?
- IT'S US, MAYNARD!
- MRS. G.?
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- OH, MAN, THAT TRIPLE FEATURE'S
LIKE REALLY ROUGH ON THE EYES
WHEN YOU SIT IN THE FRONT ROW!
- WELL, WHY DO YOU
SIT IN THE FRONT ROW?
- 'CAUSE I ALWAYS
SIT IN THE FRONT ROW.
- YOU GUYS BEEN WAITING OUT HERE
ALL THROUGH THE TRIPLE FEATURE?
- NO, DEAR, WE WENT HOME AND
HAD A LITTLE TALK ABOUT YOU.
- YEAH? WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WELL, NUMEROUS SUGGESTIONS
WERE PUT FORWARD, MR. KREBS.
UNFORTUNATELY,
NONE OF THEM LEGAL.
- YEAH, AND TAR AND FEATHERS
ARE HARD TO GET NOW.
- HOWEVER, WE DID
REACH A DECISION.
- YES, MAYNARD, WE DID.
NOW, YOU HELPED ALL OF US
VERY MUCH AND WE ARE GRATEFUL.
- BUT, MAYNARD, IN THE FUTURE,
IF WE SHOULD EVER
BE IN ANY TROUBLE
AND YOU FEEL LIKE HELPING US...
- YEAH?
- All: DON'T!
DON'T!
I MEAN, WHEN I GET A COLD
IN MY HEAD LIKE I GOT NOW,
EVERYTHING GOES TO POT.
JUST LET ME GET LAID UP
FOR TWO OR THREE DAYS
AND, WHAM, THE WHOLE
WORLD CRUMBLES.
TAKE, FOR EXAMPLE, ZELDA GILROY.
TO DOBIE, WITH LOVE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, ZELDA.
SHE'S WIG FOR ME, THAT GIRL.
I'LL CONFESS THAT I DON'T
TREAT HER TOO GREAT.
IN FACT, I'M USUALLY TELLING
HER TO GET OFF MY BACK.
I LIKE HER, YOU
UNDERSTAND, BUT LOVE?
HUH-UH, NEGATIVE.
SO I KEEP TRYING TO LOSE
ZELDA, BUT SHE WON'T GET LOST.
SHE WANTS ME AND THAT'S IT.
NOBODY ELSE'LL DO.
FAITHFUL, LOYAL, DEVOTED ZELDA.
SO WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN I GOT SICK?
YEAH, FAITHFUL,
LOYAL, DEVOTED ZELDA,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST THAT
HAPPENED DURING MY ILLNESS.
YOU KNOW MY FRIEND
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
TO DOBIE GILLIS FROM HIS
FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS,
A GREAT AMERICAN.
WELL, THERE'S LOTS OF THINGS
YOU CAN SAY ABOUT MAYNARD.
HE'S A DUNCE, HE'S A DOLT,
HE'S A MESS, HE'S A NUT,
BUT THERE'S ONE THING
NOBODY CAN SAY ABOUT MAYNARD,
THAT HE'S A LIAR.
BENEATH THE SHABBY
EXTERIOR OF MAYNARD G. KREBS
THERE BEATS THE TRUEST,
MOST HONEST HEART
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
MAYNARD HAS NEVER, I REPEAT,
NEVER, TOLD A LIE IN HIS LIFE.
NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH HAS
EVER COME OUT OF THAT BEARD.
THAT IS, UNTIL
THE DAY I GOT SICK.
- I'LL TELL YOU WHY I DON'T
HAVE MY HISTORY HOMEWORK,
MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I
SAT DOWN AT MY DESK
WITH A NICE BIG STACK
OF CLEAN WHITE PAPER
AND A BRAND NEW FOUNTAIN PEN
ALL READY TO DO MY HOMEWORK,
ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE WINDOW OPENED
AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF GYPSIES
JUMPED THROUGH THE WINDOW
AND STOLE ME!
[JAZZ THEME]
- ONE LITTLE FLU BUG SO SMALL
THAT IT'S NOT VISIBLE EVEN UNDER
THE MOST POWERFUL MICROSCOPE
BROUGHT MY WHOLE
WORLD CRASHING DOWN,
ONE LITTLE FLU BUG.
A COUPLE OF DAYS OUT OF
SCHOOL AND WHAT HAPPENS?
TOTAL ANNIHILATION.
LET ME START AT THE BEGINNING.
THE DAY STARTED AT S.
PETER PRYOR JUNIOR COLLEGE
JUST LIKE ANY OTHER DAY
EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
I WASN'T THERE.
THERE WAS ZELDA,
MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY
BECAUSE I WASN'T AROUND.
I MEAN, THAT GIRL LIVES FOR ME.
I MEAN, SHE WOULDN'T
LOOK AT ANOTHER GUY.
- HELLO THERE!
- HI. IS THIS HISTORY 102?
- SURE IS, AND MY
NAME IS ZELDA GILROY
AND THE SEAT RIGHT
NEXT TO MINE IS VACANT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- NATE GAHAGAN.
- WHY, THAT'S A
PERFECTLY LOVELY NAME.
- NATE GAHAGAN IS A LOVELY NAME?
- MM-HM, IT'S GOT CHARACTER
AND SO HAVE YOU, NATE,
CHARACTER AND INTELLIGENCE.
I CAN SEE THAT. YOU GOT A GIRL?
- WELL, NOTHING SERIOUS.
- ME EITHER. NOTHING
SERIOUS, I MEAN.
I'VE GOT THIS ONE BOY WHO'S
APE FOR ME, DOBIE GILLIS.
- YOU MEAN THE ONE WHO
KEEPS TELLING YOU TO GET LOST?
- WELL, I KNOW IT
MIGHT LOOK THAT WAY.
- IT SURE DOES.
I REMEMBER ONCE WHEN
HE SAW YOU COMING,
HE DID 100 YARDS IN 9.2!
NOT BAD FOR A
GUY WITH FLAT FEET.
- HE WAS JUST
RUNNING FROM HIMSELF.
INSIDE HE'S REALLY
WILD ABOUT ME.
- SO HOW COME YOU'RE
MAKING A PITCH AT ME?
- WHO'S MAKING A PITCH?
A NEW KID TRANSFERS
INTO THE CLASS,
THE LEAST I CAN
DO IS BE FRIENDLY.
- ZELDA, NO OFFENSE,
BUT NO THANKS.
- YOU DON'T WANT A FRIEND?
- YOU DON'T WANT A FRIEND.
WHAT YOU WANT IS A
RESERVE ON THE BENCH
IN CASE GILLIS FINALLY
MAKES HIS GETAWAY.
- YOU'RE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.
- WELL, THAT'S MY
BUSINESS, JUMPING.
I'M CENTER ON THE
BASKETBALL TEAM.
THAT IS, IF I START GETTING
A FEW PASSING GRADES.
AND, BELIEVE ME, ZELDA,
FOR ME THAT AIN'T EASY.
SO RIGHT NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D JUST AS SOON NOT GET
CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE
BETWEEN YOU AND GILLIS.
I GOT ENOUGH TROUBLES.
- SMALL GIRL, DON'T TALK TO ME.
- I WASN'T GOING TO.
I'M NOT GONNA TALK
TO ANYBODY EVER AGAIN!
PEOPLE ARE NO DARN GOOD!
- ESPECIALLY THIS PEOPLE.
- YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY!
A GORGEOUS HUNK OF MAN
CONCEALS A HEART OF STONE!
- ESPECIALLY THIS
GORGEOUS HUNK OF MAN!
- MAYNARD, I KNOW
I'M GONNA REGRET THIS,
BUT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- THAT!
- MY HOMEWORK?
- YEAH.
MR. POMFRITT SAID ANYBODY
WHO DIDN'T TURN THEIR HOMEWORK
IN WAS GONNA GET A
FLUNK FOR SURE, TRUE?
- AND YOU HAVEN'T
GOT YOURS, TRUE?
- HOW COULD I HAVE MY
HOMEWORK? DOBE'S SICK IN BED.
- YOU MEAN YOU BEEN
SITTING UP WITH DOBIE?
- I MEAN DOBE ALWAYS
DOES MY HOMEWORK.
- THIS IS SERIOUS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
TELL MR. POMFRITT?
- I'M GONNA TELL HIM A LIE.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- YEAH, ME, MAYNARD
G. HONORABLE,
I'M GONNA TELL A LIE.
- YOU NEVER TOLD A
LIE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
- MAYBE EVEN LONGER.
- SO WHAT'S COME OVER YOU NOW?
- BELIEVE ME, SMALL GIRL,
THIS WAS NO EASY DECISION.
I BEEN UP HALF THE
NIGHT THINKING ABOUT IT.
I BET I DIDN'T GET MORE
THAN LIKE 12, 14 HOURS SLEEP.
- MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T TELL A
LIE! YOU'RE JUST NOT THE TYPE.
YOU STAND ALONE, MAYNARD.
THERE ISN'T ANOTHER
HUMAN BEING LIKE YOU.
- I GOTTA GIVE YOU THAT.
- OH, DON'T DO IT.
PLEASE, MAYNARD.
UNDERNEATH THOSE RAGS
AND TATTERS BEATS A HEART
THAT'S SWEET AND CLEAN AND PURE.
- I THOUGHT YOU
THOUGHT I WAS A NUT.
- YOU ARE A NUT, BUT
YOU'RE AN HONEST NUT.
- PLEASE, SMALL GIRL, DON'T
MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME.
I JUST GOTTA LIE
TO MR. POMFRITT.
- YOU CAN'T!
- I GOTTA!
- YOU CAN'T!
- I GOTTA!
- OH, MR. KREBS, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU THINK YOU GOTTA,
BUT I KNOW WHAT I
KNOW YOU GOTTA.
YOU GOTTA TURN IN YOUR
HISTORY ASSIGNMENT TODAY
AND SO DOES EVERYBODY
ELSE IN THIS CLASS.
AND, NO, REPEAT, NO
EXCUSES WILL BE ACCEPTED.
DOES ANYBODY WANT TO TRY ME?
- ME, YOUR PROFESSORSHIP!
- YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR
HOMEWORK, MR. KREBS?
- NO, AND YOU WANNA
KNOW WHY I DON'T HAVE IT?
- I DO KNOW WHY.
YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
- RIGHT, AND YOU WANNA
KNOW WHY I DIDN'T DO IT?
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- WELL, SIR, I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHY I HAVEN'T GOT MY
HISTORY HOMEWORK, SIR.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I
SAT DOWN AT MY DESK
WITH A NICE BIG CLEAN
STACK OF WHITE PAPER
AND A BRAND NEW FOUNTAIN PEN
ALL READY TO DO MY HOMEWORK,
ALL OF A SUDDEN
THE WINDOW OPENED
AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF GYPSIES
JUMPED THROUGH THE WINDOW
AND STOLE ME!
THEY TOOK ME TO THEIR SECRET
HIDING PLACE IN THE WOODS
AND THEY BOUND ME
UP WITH GOLDEN CHAINS
AND THEY BLINDFOLDED MY
EYES WITH A BIG RED BANANA!
- THAT'S BANDANA, MR. KREBS.
THIS IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS
STORY I'VE EVER HEARD!
- PRETTY PATHETIC, HUH?
- IT'S PITIFUL, BUT
PRAY CONTINUE.
- REALLY?
WELL, AFTER THE GYPSIES FELL
ASLEEP AROUND THE CAMPFIRE,
I KIND OF SQUISHED MYSELF UP AND
ESCAPED FROM THE GOLDEN CHAINS
AND I GRABBED A GYPSY'S GUITAR
AND I KNOCKED
OUT THE GYPSY KING.
I LEAPT OVER THE CAMPFIRE
AND RAN THROUGH THE WOODS
BECAUSE THEIR BIG FEROCIOUS
DOGS WERE AFTER ME.
AND I JUMPED IN THE
LAKE AND SWAM ALL NIGHT
UNTIL I REACHED CIVILIZATION
AND THAT'S WHY I HAVEN'T
GOT MY HISTORY HOMEWORK!
- MR. KREBS, I CAN
ONLY SAY ONE THING.
- THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.
- I BELIEVE YOU.
- OH, COME NOW!
- I MUST AGREE THAT NEVER IN
MY LONG YEARS AS A TEACHER
HAVE I EVER HEARD SUCH A
FANTASTICALLY INSANE STORY.
- I'LL BUY THAT.
- AT THE SAME TIME,
NEVER IN MY LONG
YEARS AS A TEACHER
HAVE I EVER HAD A PUPIL
WHO NEVER, NOT
ONCE EVER, TOLD A LIE
EXCEPT YOU, MR. KREBS.
AND THEREFORE, ALTHOUGH
MY EVERY INSTINCT TELLS ME
THAT I SHOULD GIVE YOU A FLUNK,
I MUST ACCEPT YOUR EXCUSE.
- HEY, ZELD, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE?
THIS LYING IS GREAT STUFF.
- YOU HEARD THAT.
MY FRIEND MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HONEST MAYNARD G. KREBS,
TRUTHFUL MAYNARD G. KREBS,
HAS JUST TOLD HIS FIRST LIE
AND HE'S GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT.
YOU HEARD WHAT HE SAID TO ZELDA.
- HEY, ZELD, WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME BEFORE?
THIS LYING IS GREAT STUFF.
- THE FEET OF MAYNARD G. KREBS
ARE ON THE PRIMROSE
PATH TO PERDITION.
AND HERE I AM STUCK IN
BED WITH THIS ROTTEN COLD.
WHO, OH, WHO WILL
SAVE MAYNARD G. KREBS?
- ME. OH, ME! I WILL SAVE
YOU, MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- SAVE ME FROM WHAT,
SMALL GIRL? I GOT IT MADE.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE WRONG!
- MAYNARD, I'M RIGHT.
LOOK, SMALL GIRL, ALL MY LIFE
I'VE BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH
AND ALL I BEEN GETTING IS LUMPS.
NOW FOR THE FIRST
TIME, I TELL A LIE
AND I COME UP
SMELLING LIKE A ROSE.
- LISTEN!
- NO, SMALL GIRL.
MY HEAD'S MADE UP.
FROM NOW ON, NOTHING'S
COMING OUT OF THIS MOUTH
BUT BIG BLACK LIES.
I'M TAKING CARE OF NUMBER ONE.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MAYNARD.
YOU TAKE CARE OF NUMBER
ONE. NEVER MIND ABOUT ME.
- WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO
WITH YOU IF I TELL LIES?
- LOOK, MAYNARD,
BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION
TO ALL OF US.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- YES, YOU!
IN THIS WORLD OF TREACHERY
AND STRIFE, THERE YOU STAND,
SIMPLE, SWEET, TRUTHFUL.
- GEE, I'M GETTING,
LIKE, PRETTY MISTY.
- YOU STAY MISTY, MAYNARD.
STAY PURE, STAY
TRUSTING, STAY INNOCENT,
STAY THE SAME
DEAR, UNCOMPLICATED,
HONEST MAYNARD G.
KREBS YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
- OH, THANK YOU, ZELDA, FOR
SHOWING ME THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.
OH, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD!
TRY TO CONTROL YOURSELF.
- I HATE TO INTRUDE ON THIS
TOUCHING DEMONSTRATION,
BUT MAY ONE INQUIRE THE REASON?
- OH!
I'M SO SORRY, PROFESSORSHIP!
I TOLD A BIG FAT LIE!
I DIDN'T GET STOLE
BY NO GYPSIES!
IN FACT, I GOT NO EXCUSE AT ALL
FOR MY HISTORY HOMEWORK
NOT BEING TURNED IN.
OH, PUNISH ME, MR. POMFRITT,
FOR I'VE BEEN BAD.
- MR. KREBS, ARISE.
- YOU GONNA PUNISH
ME NOW, MR. P., HUH?
- MR. KREBS, IF MEMORY SERVES,
THIS IS A CLASS IN HISTORY.
AND IF HISTORY
TEACHES US ONE THING,
IT IS THAT TYRANNY FALLS,
SCOUNDRELS ARE DRIVEN OUT
AND, IN THE END,
HONESTY ALWAYS PREVAILS.
BUT YOU ALREADY
KNOW THIS, MR. KREBS.
I'M NOT GONNA PUNISH YOU.
INSTEAD, BECAUSE YOU'VE
BEEN HONEST WITH ME,
I AM GOING TO GIVE
YOU A PASSING GRADE,
YOUR FIRST, I BELIEVE.
- NO KIDDING, MR. POMFRITT?
- NO KIDDING, MR. KREBS.
- WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
- PLEASE, MR. KREBS. NO
UNSEEMLY DISPLAY OF EMOTION.
- ZELD, YOU'RE THE GREATEST!
- WELL, I'M GLAD
SOMEBODY THINKS SO.
- I MEAN, ABOUT ALWAYS
TELLING THE TRUTH.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT.
- YES, MAYNARD.
- I'M GONNA STAY THE SAME
SWEET, LOVABLE, HONEST KID
I ALWAYS BEEN.
- FINE, MAYNARD.
- OH, WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I.
- YES, MAYNARD.
- I'M A DARLING.
- UH-HUH.
- I'M A CUDDLE BUNNY.
- UH-HUH.
- YOU'RE A NUT!
- UH-HUH.
BUT I'M ALWAYS GONNA DO
LIKE YOU SAID, SMALL GIRL.
I'M ALWAYS GONNA TELL
THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH
AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
- NOW, I LOVE THE TRUTH.
LET'S GET THAT
STRAIGHT IMMEDIATELY.
I LOVE THE TRUTH.
I ALSO LOVE MY MOM'S APPLE PIE,
BUT THERE'S SUCH A THING
AS TOO MUCH APPLE PIE.
THERE'S ALSO, I'VE FOUND OUT,
SUCH A THING AS TOO MUCH TRUTH.
- LIKE, HI, MR. G. IS
DOBE OUT OF BED YET?
- NOT YET.
- GEE, IT'S TWO WHOLE DAYS.
AWFUL LONG TIME TO STAY IN BED.
- YES, MAYNARD.
- YOU SURE HE AIN'T DEAD
AND YOU'RE TRYING
TO KEEP IT FROM ME?
SO TELL ME,
MR. G. I CAN TAKE IT.
- MAYNARD! DOBE HAS
A COLD IN HIS HEAD!
HE'LL BE UP IN A DAY OR TWO!
HE'S FINE. I'M FINE.
EVERYBODY'S FINE.
- YOU'RE FINE? OH, COME NOW.
- OF COURSE I'M FINE.
- YOU DON'T LOOK FINE.
I MEAN, YOUR EYES ARE
ALL KIND OF RED AND PUFFY
AND YOUR FACE IS ALL KIND
OF MEAN AND SQUINCHED UP
AND YOU'RE ALL KIND OF
HUNCHED OVER AND STOOPED.
- MAYNARD, ARE YOU
TRYING FOR A FAT EAR?
- NO, SIR, I'M ONLY
TELLING THE TRUTH
'CAUSE THAT'S ALL
I TELL, THE TRUTH.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SAYS THE
TRUTH STANDS ON TWO LEGS,
A LIE ON ONE.
- AND HERBERT T. GILLIS SAYS
YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE
WHILE YOU STILL GOT
TWO LEGS TO GET OUT ON.
- VERY WELL, SIR.
BUT BEFORE I GO, I'D LIKE TO
MAKE ANOTHER OBSERVATION.
I DON'T CARE HOW
YOU COMB YOUR HAIR,
I CAN STILL SEE THE BALD SPOT.
- THAT DOES IT!
OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MISS. MAY I HELP YOU?
- GOOD MORNING. AM I
INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
- OH, NO. JUST A LITTLE
FRIENDLY HORSEPLAY
WITH ONE OF THE
NEIGHBORHOOD LADS.
HERE, MAYNARD. HAVE A CUMQUAT.
- GEE, THANKS, MR. G. YOU
NEVER GAVE ME NOTHING BEFORE,
NOT EVEN THE TIME OF DAY.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD. RUN
ALONG LIKE A GOOD BOY.
YOU'RE NEW IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD?
- YES. WE JUST MOVED IN.
I THOUGHT I'D STOCK
UP ON A FEW GROCERIES.
- OOH, YES, MA'AM, FIRE ONE.
- TOMATOES?
- OH, TOMATOES! OH, YES!
PICKED AND SELECTED
WITH FRIENDLY, LOVING CARE.
- YEAH. ALL THE BIG RED ONES
HAVE BEEN PICKED AND SELECTED
AND PUT ON THE TOP.
- NEIGHBORHOOD COMIC!
- YEAH, AND ALL THE
LITTLE GREEN HARD ONES
HAVE BEEN PICKED AND
SELECTED FOR THE BOTTOM.
- OH, WHAT A CARD YOU ARE!
DID YOU WANT ONE OR
TWO BASKETS, MA'AM?
- I THINK I'LL PASS
UP THE TOMATOES.
- GOOD THINKING, I WOULDN'T
GET ANY TOMATOES EITHER.
- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
- NO, STICK AROUND, KID.
HOW ARE YOUR EGGS? FRESH?
- FRESH?
OH, WE JUST GOT A SHIPMENT
IN FROM THE COUNTRY
NOT MORE THAN...
- THREE WEEKS AGO.
DOBE AND ME HELPED
UNLOAD THE TRUCK, REMEMBER?
- OH, WHAT A CUTUP!
YOU SHOULD SEE HIM WITH
A LAMPSHADE ON HIS HEAD.
I WISH YOU COULD RIGHT NOW.
HOW MANY DID YOU WANT,
MISS? ONE OR TWO DOZEN?
YOU'RE PUTTING YOUR LIST AWAY?
- IS THIS THE ONLY
GROCERY AROUND HERE?
- OH, NO, THERE'S BRUNDIDGE'S.
- BRUNDIDGE'S?
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO
TRADE AT BRUNDIDGE'S.
WHY, BRUNDIDGE IS EXPENSIVE.
BRUNDIDGE IS UN-POLITE
AND BRUNDIDGE...
- IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
- THANKS, KID.
- MAYNARD!
YOU INGRATE!
YOU FLAP-JAW!
YOU BIG MOUTH!
- NOW, HERBERT!
- YOU...
- NOW, HERBERT!
- DON'T NOW HERBERT ME!
DID YOU HEAR WHAT THIS
SNAKE IN THE GRASS JUST SAID?
- NO, DEAR, I DIDN'T.
BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T
GET ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT
AND WOKE UP WITH A SHORT TEMPER
IS NO REASON TO TAKE
IT OUT ON MAYNARD!
AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT
THAT YOU STAYED AT THE
GROCERS' CONVENTION
UNTIL 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
- WHAT GROCERS' CONVENTION?
HE WAS DOWN AT THE
BISON HALL SHOOTING POOL.
- I WAS NOT!
- SURE YOU WAS, MR. G.
I SAW YOU DOWN THERE LAST NIGHT
THROUGH THE BASEMENT WINDOW.
I WAS OUT THERE
PICKING UP TINFOIL.
THAT'S MY HOBBY, MRS.
G., PICKING UP TINFOIL.
I GOT THE BIGGEST
BALL OF TINFOIL
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD,
MAYBE THE WHOLE WORLD.
- SO, SHOOTING POOL
AGAIN, AFTER YOU PROMISED!
- OH, DON'T YOU TALK
TO ME ABOUT PROMISES!
YOU GAVE ME YOUR SOLEMN OATH
THAT YOU WOULDN'T BUY
ANOTHER HAT THIS YEAR,
SO WHAT WAS THAT YOU CAME
IN WITH YESTERDAY AFTERNOON?
- WELL, IT WAS SUCH A BARGAIN,
MARKED DOWN FROM $35 TO $6.95.
- OH, NO, MRS. G.
THAT WAS $16.95.
- IT WAS NOT!
- SURE IT WAS, MY MOTHER
WENT SHOPPING WITH YOU.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
- AHA!
- AHA YOURSELF!
- DON'T TALK ABOUT
PROMISES TO ME!
- DON'T TALK TO ME AT ALL!
- OH, THAT SUITS ME JUST FINE!
- GOOD MORNING,
MR. GILLIS, MRS. GILLIS.
HOW'S DOBIE?
- THEY TOLD ME HE WASN'T
DEAD, BUT THEY'RE AWFUL LIARS.
- WHAT A RIDICULOUS IDEA.
DOBIE WILL BE FINE
IN A DAY OR TWO.
- I DON'T SUPPOSE
I COULD SEE HIM?
- YOU BETTER NOT, DEAR. HE
MIGHT STILL BE CONTAGIOUS.
- OKAY, WELL, JUST
TELL HIM I CAME BY
AND TELL HIM THAT I'M
THINKING ABOUT HIM ALL THE TIME
EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY.
- UH, WERE YOU
THINKING ABOUT HIM
WHEN YOU MADE A
PASS AT NATE GAHAGAN?
- I DID NOT MAKE A PASS.
- OOH, WHAT A WHOPPER!
YOU PRACTICALLY FLUNG YOURSELF
ON HIM LIKE A BOA CONSTRUCTOR.
- THAT'S CONSTRICTOR,
AND I DIDN'T!
- I'M SORRY, ZELDA,
BUT I'M AFRAID I GOTTA GO
ALONG WITH BIG MOUTH HERE.
- AND I DO TOO!
AND I MUST SAY, ZELDA,
I'M JUST A TINY BIT SHOCKED.
I MEAN, THERE HE
IS, MY POOR BABY,
UPSTAIRS IN HIS BED OF PAIN
AND HERE YOU ARE THROWING
YOURSELF AT THE FIRST MAN
THAT COMES ALONG!
- YEP, THAT'S WHAT SHE DID.
- PERHAPS IT'S NOT
MY PLACE TO SAY SO,
BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE
PROPER WAY FOR A GIRL TO BEHAVE
WHO CLAIMS TO BE
IN LOVE WITH DOBIE.
- OH, I AM, I AM!
- WHY, THERE HE IS UP
THERE WITH A RAGING FEVER.
I TOLD HIM HE WAS
WORKING TOO HARD.
AND DO YOU KNOW
THAT LAST TUESDAY,
HE DIDN'T GET HOME FROM THE
LIBRARY UNTIL AFTER MIDNIGHT?
- WHAT LIBRARY?
LAST TUESDAY, HE WAS OUT
SKATING WITH BUBBLES CLANCY.
- HE WAS?
HE TOLD ME HE WAS
AT THE LIBRARY TOO!
WHY, THAT LYING RAT!
- SPEAKING OF LYING RATS, MISS,
YOU DON'T DO SUCH A BAD
JOB YOURSELF, NO OFFENSE.
- YOU NEITHER,
MR. G., NO OFFENSE.
YOU NEITHER, MRS.
G., NO OFFENSE.
IN FACT, THIS WHOLE
FAMILY'S LIKE A NEST OF LIARS,
NO OFFENSE.
- IT SURE IS,
AND I'M GETTING OUT AND
FOR GOOD AND RIGHT NOW!
- HOLD! HOLD, HO-HO-HO.
OH, DEAR FRIENDS, DON'T YOU
SEE THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS?
OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE
WHEN FIRST WE
PRACTICE TO DECEIVE!
THE TRUTH STANDS ON
TWO LEGS, A LIE ON ONE.
OH, FRIENDS, IT IS NOT TOO
LATE TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS
AND BE LIKE LOVABLE ME.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS TELL
THE TRUTH ALL THE TIME
AND YOU TOO CAN BE CLEAN
AND PURE AND SWEET INSIDE
JUST LIKE ADORABLE ME.
OH, DEAR FRIENDS,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- All: OH, SHUT UP!
- NATE, I'VE GOT THE MOST
WONDERFUL NEWS FOR YOU!
- I DOUBT IT.
- DOBIE GILLIS AND I
ARE FINALLY, UTTERLY,
DEFINITELY, COMPLETELY
AND POSITIVELY THROUGH!
I'M A FREE WOMAN!
- SO?
- SO THERE'S NOTHING
STANDING IN OUR WAY ANYMORE.
DON'T YOU SEE?
YOU WERE AFRAID YOU'D
BE A PAWN IN SOME GAME
BETWEEN DOBIE AND ME.
WELL, THAT'S NO LONGER
TRUE. I'M YOURS, ALL YOURS.
- ZELDA, YOU MAKE IT AWFUL HARD
FOR A FELLA TO BE A GENTLEMAN.
I DON'T WANNA HURT YOUR FEELINGS
AND I'M GONNA HATE
MYSELF FOR SAYING THIS,
BUT WHO NEEDS YOU?
- YOU DO, YOU GREAT NINNY!
- NO, I DON'T!
- WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I'M SMART, TALENTED,
LOYAL, DEVOTED AND STRONG.
MY APPENDIX IS OUT
AND I HAVEN'T GOT A
CAVITY IN MY WHOLE HEAD.
- SWELL, ZELDA,
BUT ARE YOU RICH?
BECAUSE I'VE GOT
TO HAVE A RICH GIRL.
- NATE? AM I HEARING CORRECTLY?
- YES, YOU ARE.
- YOU, NATE GAHAGAN, GENTLEMAN,
ATHLETE, MEMBER OF THE Y,
YOU WANNA MARRY FOR MONEY?
- IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF WANNA.
IT'S A QUESTION OF HAVE TO.
LOOK, ZELDA, THERE'S ONE
THING IN THE WORLD I CAN DO,
SHOOT BASKETS.
NOW HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GONNA
MAKE A LIVING SHOOTING BASKETS?
IF I WAS TALL ENOUGH,
I COULD TURN PRO.
BUT I'M A LITTLE TINY
FELLA, JUST SIX FOOT ONE.
SO YOU SEE, I GOTTA MARRY MONEY.
- SO WHAT'S THE
PROBLEM, NATE? I'M LOADED.
- YOU ARE?
- SURE.
DADS IS IN THE AUTOMOTIVE GAME.
EGAD, HOW THE MONEY ROLLS IN!
- ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH?
- AM I TELLING THE
TRUTH? I APPEAL TO YOU.
AM I TELLING THE TRUTH?
- NO, ZELDA.
WHAT YOU'RE TELLING IS A
BUNCH OF BIG, FAT, ENORMOUS LIES.
- YOU'RE NOT GONNA LISTEN
TO MAYNARD, ARE YOU?
- YEP.
- OH, FOR SHAME, FOR
SHAME, FOR SHAME, ZELDA!
I MEAN, WHAT FABRICATIONS
AND FALSEHOODS!
THAT'S, LIKE, LIES.
I LOOKED IT UP IN THIS BOOK,
"101 WISE SAYINGS ABOUT TRUTH."
YOU KIDS OUGHT TO GET A COPY,
ESPECIALLY YOU,
ZELDA, YOU BIG LIAR.
- MAYNARD, COULD WE GET
BACK TO ZELDA'S MONEY?
- MONEY?
I DON'T THINK THE WHOLE
FAMILY SAW $50 ALTOGETHER.
- SHE SAID HER FATHER WAS
IN THE AUTOMOTIVE GAME.
- HE RUNS A BROKEN-DOWN
BODY AND FENDER SHOP.
HE EVEN WEARS
OVERALLS TO SUPPER.
- ZELDA?
- YES, NATE.
- DON'T CALL ME, I'LL CALL YOU.
- DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER
THAT THE TRUTH IS OUT?
I MEAN, DON'T YOU KIND OF FEEL
LIKE ALL WARM AND GLOWY INSIDE?
- MAYNARD, TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
THERE ARE TIMES TO TELL
THE TRUTH AND TIMES NOT TO.
- OH, FOR SHAME, ZELDA.
THERE IS NEVER A TIME
NOT TO TELL THE TRUTH.
I MEAN, NEVER!
- BRAVO, MR. KREBS! WELL SAID!
- THANK YOU, YOUR
CAP AND GOWNSHIP.
- AND AS FOR YOU, MISS GILROY, I
MUST CONFESS MYSELF SURPRISED.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT
IT IS EVER RIGHT FOR
PEOPLE TO TELL A LIE?
- WELL, SIR, I DIDN'T
MEAN LIE EXACTLY.
I JUST MEANT THAT SOMETIMES
IT'S BETTER TO BE A LITTLE TACTFUL.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T NECESSARILY
HAVE TO TELL ALL THE TRUTH
ALL THE TIME.
- WELL, I'M SORRY, MISS GILROY,
I CAN'T GO ALONG WITH THAT.
TO ME THE TRUTH
IS ALWAYS PROPER,
ALWAYS IN SEASON,
ALWAYS IN STYLE.
WHY, THE TRUTH IS
A SHINING GARMENT
THAT ADORNS THE
MAN WHO WEARS IT.
- AND YOU OUGHT TO KNOW
ABOUT SHINY GARMENTS.
- THANK YOU, MR. KREBS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, TAKE THAT
BLUE SUIT OF YOURS.
IT'S SO SHINY I COULD COMB
MY HAIR IN THE BACK OF IT
IF I COMBED MY HAIR, THAT IS.
- OH, REALLY?
- OF COURSE, THAT JACKET YOU
GOT ON TODAY AIN'T SO SHINY.
- THANK YOU.
- IT'S MORE LIKE TACKY.
IT KIND OF GOES ALONG
WITH YOUR NECKTIE.
- REALLY?
- AND THEM PANTS.
MAN, THEY'RE SO BAGGY.
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SOMEBODY
ELSE IN THERE WITH YOU!
- MR. KREBS, IT MAY
INTEREST YOU TO KNOW
THAT MANY PEOPLE CONSIDER
ME A SPIFFY DRESSER.
- NAME ONE PEOPLE.
- WELL, I DO.
I THINK YOU'RE A VERY
DAPPER FELLOW, MR. POMFRITT.
- AND I THINK YOU'RE
A LIAR, MISS GILROY.
- YEP, THAT'S WHAT SHE IS.
- AND YOU, MR. KREBS,
ARE A BOOR.
AND IF EITHER OF YOU WANTS
TO TRANSFER FROM MY CLASS,
I WILL PLACE NO
OBSTACLES IN YOUR WAY!
- GEE, I THINK HE
WAS KIND OF SORE.
- I THINK EVERYBODY'S
KIND OF SORE.
- YOU TOO, ZELDA?
- WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
JUST LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE
IN THE PAST COUPLE OF HOURS
WITH THAT BIG TRUTH-TELLING
MOUTH OF YOURS.
NUMBER ONE,
MR. POMFRITT HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER TWO,
NATE HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER... WHY
DOES NATE HATE YOU?
- WHY NOT?
- GOOD POINT. WHERE WAS I?
- NUMBER TWO.
- OH, YEAH, NUMBER THREE,
DOBIE'S FATHER HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER FOUR, DOBIE'S
MOTHER HATES ME.
- ME TOO.
- NUMBER FIVE,
DOBIE'S FATHER
HATES DOBIE'S MOTHER.
NUMBER SIX, DOBIE'S MOTHER
HATES DOBIE'S FATHER.
NUMBER SEVEN, I HATE DOBIE!
OH, MAYNARD, YOU'VE DONE
A PRETTY GOOD DAY'S WORK,
YOU AND YOUR TRUTH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I
THINK, SMALL GIRL?
I DON'T THINK THIS TOWN
IS READY FOR ME YET.
- MAYBE THE ENTIRE WORLD.
- MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
- MAYBE I AM.
- MAYBE I OUGHT TO GO AWAY
BY MYSELF AND BECOME A HELMET.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S HERMIT.
MAYBE YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.
- MAYBE THAT'S JUST
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
- MAYBE IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.
- BUT MAYBE BEFORE I GO,
MAYBE I'M GONNA TELL A
FEW PEOPLE A FEW THINGS.
- WELL, NATURALLY, ZELDA DIDN'T
THINK MAYNARD WOULD RUN AWAY
AND BECOME A
HELMET... ER, HERMIT.
I MEAN, MAYNARD'S
ALWAYS THREATENING
TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY
LIKE JOINING THE FOREIGN LEGION
OR BECOMING A TIGHTROPE WALKER.
IN FACT, LAST YEAR HE SAID HE
WAS GONNA GIVE UP EVERYTHING
AND BECOME AN USHER.
HE'S WILD ABOUT
MOVIES, THAT GUY.
BUT IT'S JUST BIG TALK AND
NOBODY TAKES HIM SERIOUSLY.
- EXCUSE ME, MR. POMFRITT, SIR.
I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO
YOU AND KINDLY DON'T INTERRUPT.
- MAYNARD, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH THAT SUITCASE?
- THERE YOU GO INTERRUPTING!
YOU DON'T LIKE PEOPLE
TO INTERRUPT YOU, DO YOU?
- NO, BUT...
- OKAY, I ACCEPT YOUR
APOLOGY. ARE YOU READY?
- FOR WHAT?
- THE FOLLOWING.
I AM A MAN WHO TELLS THE TRUTH.
YOU MAY NEVER SEE ME
AGAIN AFTER I SAY THIS,
BUT I GOTTA SAY
WHAT I GOTTA SAY.
MR. POMFRITT, SIR, SHAME ON YOU.
YOU ARE THE WORST
DRESSER I EVER SAW
EXCEPT, OF COURSE, FOR ME.
- THANK YOU FOR
THAT DISTINCTION.
- I'LL EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION.
NOW IS THAT A WAY FOR
A TEACHER TO DRESS?
YOU STAND UP HERE
TELLING US ABOUT CULTURE
AND ART AND BEAUTY
AND YOU LOOK LIKE SOMETHING
THE CAT DRAGGED IN, NO OFFENSE.
NOW HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYBODY
TO LEARN ANYTHING
ABOUT CULTURE AND BEAUTY
WITH YOU LOOKING
LIKE A ONE-MAN SLUM?
NO OFFENSE.
MR. POMFRITT, SIR, YOU THINK
YOU ARE A GOOD TEACHER,
BUT I SAY YOU'RE NOT...
ZELDA, I AM A MAN
WHO TELLS THE TRUTH.
YOU MAY NEVER SEE
ME AFTER I SAY THIS,
BUT I GOTTA SAY
WHAT I GOTTA SAY.
ZELDA, YOU ARE CERTAINLY A
DUMBBELL FOR SUCH A SMART CHICK.
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT,
IF YOU GET A FELLA BY
TREACHERY AND FALSEHOOD,
SOMEDAY HE WILL
REALIZE IT AND HE WILL...
HATE YOU FOR THE
REST OF HIS LIFE.
IF YOU REALLY WANT A
FELLOW TO LOVE YOU,
YOU'VE GOT TO
PLAY IT DEAD HONEST
BECAUSE THE ONLY
KIND OF LOVE THAT LASTS
IS A LOVE THAT IS
BUILT ON TRUTH...
MR. G., DID YOU EVER STOP
TO THINK HOW LUCKY YOU ARE
HAVING A WIFE LIKE MRS. G.?
I MEAN, HERE YOU ARE ALL THE
TIME YELLING AND HOLLERING
AND PINCHING PENNIES
AND THERE SHE IS
ALL THE TIME SMILING
AND BEING SWEET AND CUDDLY.
- NOW JUST A DARN MINUTE!
- QUIET, HERBERT!
I'M SORRY, MAYNARD.
YOU WILL HAVE TO
EXCUSE MR. GILLIS.
- IT SEEMS TO ME, MR. G.,
I WOULDN'T BE ALL THE TIME
DOWN AT THE BISON HALL
SHOOTING POOL AND
ROARING AND YELLING
AND SNORTING WITH
ALL THOSE BIG FAT FELLAS
IF I HAD SUCH A SWEET
AND CUDDLY WIFE.
- I WOULD STOP YOU NOW,
MAYNARD, AND THANK YOU,
EXCEPT THAT I DON'T WANT YOU
TO LOSE YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
- HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT
IS A SLOW FREIGHT!
- HUSH!
GO ON, MAYNARD.
- HAVE YOU EVER
STOPPED TO THINK, MRS. G.,
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?
- OH, NO, MAYNARD, THAT'S
YOUR LINE FOR HERBERT.
- IT'S ALSO MY LINE FOR YOU.
MRS. G., YOU'RE ONE
OF THE LUCKIEST LADIES
IN THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
OH, SURE, MR. G. IS
MEAN AND ROTTEN,
NO OFFENSE, BUT HE ALSO
WORKS LONG AND HARD
TO PROVIDE YOU WITH
FOOD AND CLOTHING
AND A ROOF OVER
YOUR OLD GRAY HEAD.
I MEAN, HE'S UP AT
DAWN EVERY MORNING.
- SOMETIMES EARLIER.
- AND HE WORKS UNTIL
SEVEN OR EIGHT EACH NIGHT.
- NINE OR 10.
- AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE
GOING OUT AND SPENDING MONEY
FOR CRAZY HATS WHICH
YOU DON'T NEED ANYHOW
BECAUSE MR. G. IS TOO STINGY
EVER TO TAKE YOU OUT ANYPLACE...
- IT'S A GOOD THING
I WAS SICK IN BED
OR MAYNARD MIGHT
HAVE TICKED ME OFF TOO.
WELL, THAT CONCLUDED
MAYNARD'S LECTURING FOR THE DAY,
BUT THERE WAS MORE
COMING, PLENTY MORE.
- THERE HE IS!
- MAYNARD!
MAYNARD!
MAYNARD, YOU CAN'T DO IT!
- HEY, GIVE ME BACK MY SUITCASE!
- PLEASE STAY, MAYNARD!
- PLEASE!
- PRETTY PLEASE!
- PRETTY PLEASE
WITH SUGAR ON IT?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- NOW MAYNARD, NOW!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- WHOA! WHOA! IF YOU
WISH TO TALK TO ME,
YOU MUST APPOINT A SPOKESMAN
AND BEHAVE IN A
PARLIAMENTARY MANNER.
- ALL RIGHT, POMFRITT.
YOU'RE THE GABBY TYPE.
START TALKING.
- YES, MR. POMFRITT.
- VERY WELL.
MAYNARD, WE FOUR HAVE CONSULTED
AND, ALTHOUGH WE AGREE THAT
THE BLUNTNESS OF YOUR APPROACH
HAD A CERTAIN LACK OF DIPLOMACY,
STILL, ITS CONTENT
HAD THE RING OF VERITY.
- WHAT HE'S TRYING TO
SAY IS YOU MADE SENSE.
- YOU OPENED MY EYES.
- AND MINE.
- YES, MAYNARD, AND MINE.
YOU WERE RIGHT, OF COURSE,
ABOUT MY OTHER CLOTHES.
- AND YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT MY CHASING FELLAS.
- AND YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT
ME BEING A LUCKY WOMAN.
- OH, AND YOU'RE RIGHT
ABOUT ME BEING A LUCKY GUY.
- THEN YOU AIN'T SORE AT ME?
- MAYNARD, WE LOVE YOU.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- YES, EVEN ME, MAYNARD.
SON, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
- YOU'RE A FINE HUMAN BEING.
- A FINE, INTELLIGENT
HUMAN BEING,
AND I NEVER THOUGHT
THE DAY WOULD COME
WHEN I'D SAY THAT.
- WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
- OKAY, MAYNARD,
GIVE ME THE SUITCASE.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT
WITH MY SUITCASE?
- WE DON'T WANT
YOUR SUITCASE, DEAR.
WE JUST DON'T WANT
YOU TO GO AWAY.
WE WANT YOU TO
STAY WITH US ALWAYS.
- WHO'S GOING AWAY? WHERE?
- CONCENTRATE, MAYNARD.
YOU HAVE TO BE GOING AWAY.
YOU'RE CARRYING A SUITCASE.
- WELL, I'M NOT
GOING AWAY REALLY.
I'M JUST GOING TO THE MOVIES.
- WITH A SUITCASE?
- YEAH, IT'S A TRIPLE FEATURE.
MMM, BOY, IT'S REALLY A
GAS OF A TRIPLE FEATURE.
I'VE SEEN IT ABOUT
EIGHT OR 10 TIMES NOW.
YOU WANNA COME?
- MAYNARD, JUST TO SATISFY
AN OLD MAN'S CURIOSITY,
WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH
A SUITCASE IN THE MOVIES?
- OH, MR. G., IT'S
A TRIPLE FEATURE.
I GET HUNGRY.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
- WHO'S THAT?
- IT'S US, MAYNARD!
- MRS. G.?
- MAYNARD, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- OH, MAN, THAT TRIPLE FEATURE'S
LIKE REALLY ROUGH ON THE EYES
WHEN YOU SIT IN THE FRONT ROW!
- WELL, WHY DO YOU
SIT IN THE FRONT ROW?
- 'CAUSE I ALWAYS
SIT IN THE FRONT ROW.
- YOU GUYS BEEN WAITING OUT HERE
ALL THROUGH THE TRIPLE FEATURE?
- NO, DEAR, WE WENT HOME AND
HAD A LITTLE TALK ABOUT YOU.
- YEAH? WHAT ABOUT ME?
- WELL, NUMEROUS SUGGESTIONS
WERE PUT FORWARD, MR. KREBS.
UNFORTUNATELY,
NONE OF THEM LEGAL.
- YEAH, AND TAR AND FEATHERS
ARE HARD TO GET NOW.
- HOWEVER, WE DID
REACH A DECISION.
- YES, MAYNARD, WE DID.
NOW, YOU HELPED ALL OF US
VERY MUCH AND WE ARE GRATEFUL.
- BUT, MAYNARD, IN THE FUTURE,
IF WE SHOULD EVER
BE IN ANY TROUBLE
AND YOU FEEL LIKE HELPING US...
- YEAH?
- All: DON'T!
DON'T!