The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 19 - The Marriage Counselor - full transcript

- THIS IS NAPOLEON BONAPARTE.

HIS OCCUPATION, MILITARY LEADER.

THIS IS ZELDA GILROY. HER
OCCUPATION, HUSBAND SEEKER.

NOW, WHAT DO THESE
TWO HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY'RE BOTH GENIUSES.

YOU KNOW HOW BRILLIANTLY
NAPOLEON OPERATED.

IT'S IN ALL THE HISTORY BOOKS.

NOW WATCH ZELDA
GILROY IN ACTION.

BARBARA JEAN, MY ANGEL, I
CAN NO LONGER BE SILENT,

FOR A BURNING QUESTION BURNS
IN MY HEART, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

- WELL, GOLLY, DOBIE.



- I BEG YOU, MY SWEET,
SPEAK THE MAGIC WORDS

THAT WILL STIR MY HEART
INTO JOYFUL MELODY.

- STOP THE MUSIC!

- ZELDA, YOU WERE
SPYING ON ME AGAIN.

- WHAT SPYING, POOPSIE?

I'M MERELY HERE TO HELP YOU
WIN THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS,

WHOEVER SHE HAPPENS
TO BE THIS WEEK.

- YOU? OH COME OFF IT, ZELDA.

- STOP ME THE SECOND I
SAY SOMETHING WRONG.

- ZELDA.

- YOUNG WOMAN, I SHALL
NOW SHOW YOU GOOD REASON

WHY YOU SHOULD MARRY DOBIE.

HE'S A SOLID,
SUBSTANTIAL CITIZEN, TRUE?

- TRUE.
- SO IF YOU MARRY HIM,



HE WON'T DO STRANGE,
UNPREDICTABLE THINGS.

HENCE, YOUR LIFE WILL
BE QUIET AND RELAXED

WITH NO WILD, CRAZY
KICKS OR EXCITEMENT, TRUE?

- TRUE.
- PLACID, EVEN BLAND,

HOMOGENIZED, LIKE
BABY FOOD KIND OF, TRUE?

- TRUE.
- SO MARRY HIM ALREADY.

- YEAH, SO MARRY ME ALREADY.

- PLACID, BLAND, BABY FOOD,
NO KICKS OR EXCITEMENT?

WELL, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.
THAT'S STRICTLY DULLSVILLE.

SEE YOU AROUND, BUSTER.

THANKS, ZELDA, YOU'RE A PAL.

- BARBARA JEAN! BARBARA JEAN!

ZELDA, THAT WAS A
MEAN, LOW, SNEAKY TRICK.

- YEAH. HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU POOR, BLIND FOOL.

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP
TRYING TO SQUIRM AWAY FROM ME?

I'M ZEROING IN ON YOU, LOVER,

AND WHEN MY MIND'S
MADE UP, I'M A TIGER.

[JAZZ THEME]

- WHAT'S THE USE KIDDING?

ZELDA GILROY HAS AN IQ
THAT RANKS WAY UP THERE

WITH EINSTEIN AND
DR. SCHWEITZER AND JACK PARR.

SO HOW COME WITH ALL THAT
GREAT MENTAL EQUIPMENT,

SHE HASN'T TRAPPED ME?

WELL, I'M NOT ONE TO BRAG,

BUT THERE CAN BE
ONLY ONE EXPLANATION.

- PLAIN, STUPID, DUMB LUCK.

- IF SURE FOOLS ME WHY YOU
AIN'T TRAPPED HIM YET, SMALL GIRL,

BECAUSE YOU GOT,
LIKE, A BEAUTIFUL BRAIN.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.

- THE REST OF YOU
IS KIND OF SPOOKY,

BUT OOH, THAT BEAUTIFUL BRAIN.

- MY BRAIN IS BOUND TO COME
THROUGH FOR ME THIS TIME.

SO FAR I'VE FAILED WITH LOGIC,

BUT NOW I'VE COME UP WITH
A WEAPON THAT CAN'T MISS.

- A BASEBALL BAT.
- SALESMANSHIP.

- BETTER TRY A BASEBALL BAT.

- THIS BOOK TELLS HOW
YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING

BY USING THE RIGHT
PSYCHOLOGICAL PRINCIPLES.

LISTEN.

FIRST, ATTRACT A
CUSTOMER'S ATTENTION.

SECOND, GENERATE
INTEREST IN THE PRODUCT.

THIRD, PUSH TO GET THE
PROSPECT TO PUT DOWN HIS MONEY.

- I'LL TAKE A DOZEN.
- NEVER MIND, MAYNARD.

THE SAME TECHNIQUE
THAT SELLS A REFRIGERATOR

CAN SELL DOBIE ON
THE IDEA OF MARRIAGE.

NOW LOOK, DOBIE'S ON
HIS WAY OVER HERE NOW.

I'M GOING TO GO HIDE DOWN
THE STAIRS AND JUMP OUT AT HIM.

THAT'S PART OF THE FIRST
STEP, ATTRACT HIS ATTENTION.

NOW DON'T TELL HIM,
IT'S GOT TO BE A SURPRISE.

- OH, BOY, I LOVE SURPRISES.

- HI, MAYNARD, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

- WAITING FOR OLD ZEL TO
POP UP OUT OF THE STAIRS

AND SURPRISE YOU.

- I WONDER WHAT MOM
PACKED ME FOR LUNCH.

- HELLO, POOPSIE, NOTICE
ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?

- YOU'RE WEARING A NEW DRESS?
- DOBIE.

- A NEW HAIRDO?
- DOBIE.

- I GIVE UP, ZELDA, WHAT'S
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU?

- OKAY, YOU ATTRACTED
HIS ATTENTION.

SECOND, GENERATE
INTEREST IN THE PRODUCT.

- RIGHT, AND WHAT A PRODUCT.

EXCITING, NOVEL, TRUSTWORTHY,
GUARANTEED TO PROVIDE

LOYAL AND DEVOTED
SERVICE FOR A LIFETIME.

- THIRD, PUSH TO GET THE
PROSPECT TO PUT DOWN HIS MONEY.

- YES, SIR, YOU CAN MAKE THIS

FASCINATING LITTLE
ITEM YOUR VERY OWN.

ACT NOW, DON'T DELAY,
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!

WELL, DOBIE? WELL, WELL, WELL?

- I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT,
BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN

I FEEL AN OVERPOWERING URGE TO
RUN OUT AND BUY A REFRIGERATOR.

OH, THAT ZELDA. WHEN IT COMES
TO TRACKING DOWN HER MAN,

SHE MAKES THE
NORTHWEST MOUNTED POLICE

LOOK LIKE THE KEYSTONE COPS.

WITH HER AROUND, I WASN'T
EVEN SAFE IN A CLASSROOM.

- TODAY, CLASS, WE'RE
GOING TO DISCUSS A SUBJECT

THAT IS OF GREAT INTEREST
TO ALL OF YOU, MARRIAGE.

- I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

- IT'S NO USE. I TIED YOUR
SHOELACES TO THE CHAIR.

- OH, COME ON NOW, ZELDA,
THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS STORY

YOU'VE MADE UP YET.

I'M NOT GOING TO SIT HERE...

- PLEASE, MR. GILLIS.

NO MORE CLOWNING AROUND.

NOW, CAN ANYONE IN THIS CLASS

GIVE ME A CONCISE
DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE?

HOW ABOUT YOU, MR. KREBS?

I WOULD LIKE A DEFINITION THAT IS
WELL-REASONED AND THOUGHTFUL,

AND I WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.

- THAT AIN'T KIND,
YOUR DIPLOMASHIP.

YOU'RE ALL THE TIME SAYING
I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER

WITHOUT YOU GIVING ME A CHANCE.

- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
MR. KREBS. FORGIVE ME.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, FORGIVEN.
- LIKE, THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, WELCOME.
- CAN YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION?

- LIKE, NO.
- LIKE, THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.

AND NOW TO RETURN FROM THIS
VOYAGE TO A LOST CONTINENT,

MISS GILROY, CAN YOU GIVE US A
WORKING DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE?

- MARRIAGE IS A
DIVINELY BLISSFUL

CONTRACTUAL RELATIONSHIP

THAT UNITES A LOYAL,
HARD-WORKING DEVOTED FEMALE

TO A FORTUNATE,
HAPPY-FOREVER-AFTER MALE,

LEADING TO SUPREME JOY
AND RAPTURE FOR BOTH PARTIES,

ESPECIALLY THE MALE.

ANY QUESTIONS, DOBIE?

- THAT'S EXCELLENT, MISS GILROY.

- THAT WAS MY DEFINITION.

NOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HEAR MY OPINION?

- I HAVE THE
FEELING WE JUST DID.

SO MUCH FOR ROMANCE,
NOW TO MARRIAGE.

IN MOST SOCIETIES, MARRIAGE
IS THE COMMONLY ACCEPTED,

LASTING RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN THE SEXES.

- WHAT HE SAID.
- MAYNARD, SHH.

- NOW, WHAT ARE THE REASONS THAT
MARRIAGE IS SO WIDELY ACCEPTED?

WELL, HERE ARE A FEW OF THEM.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, MARRIED
PEOPLE LIVE 3.7 YEARS LONGER

ON THE AVERAGE
THAN SINGLE PEOPLE.

- YOU HEAR THAT, POOPSIE?

A 3.7 YEARS LONGER
LIFE TO BE HAPPIER IN.

- ALL RIGHT, ZELDA.

TWO CAN PLAY AT
YOUR LITTLE GAME.

3.7 YEARS, HEAR
THAT, BARBARA JEAN?

- AS TO INCOME, MARRIED
PEOPLE MAKE 14.4%

MORE MONEY THAN SINGLE PEOPLE.

- VIVA MARRIED PEOPLE.

- MARRIED PEOPLE ARE
BETTER ADJUSTED EMOTIONALLY.

THEY COMMIT SUICIDE 31.7%
LESS OFTEN THAN SINGLE PEOPLE.

- 14.4 AND 31.7. YOU
GET THAT, LOVER?

MARRY ME AND YOU'LL BE
WEALTHIER AND HAPPIER

BY A TOTAL OF 46.1%.

- HEAR THAT, BARBARA JEAN?

MARRY ME AND YOU'LL
BE RICH AS A PRINCESS

AND DO VERY LITTLE
JUMPING OFF BRIDGES.

- SO WE SEE THAT MARRIAGE BRINGS
MORE MONEY, GREATER SECURITY,

BETTER JOB PROSPECTS, AND
SOUNDER EMOTIONAL HEALTH.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S OPEN THE
SUBJECT FOR CLASS DISCUSSION.

WHAT DO YOU
CONCLUDE FROM ALL THIS?

WHAT ARE YOUR GENERAL
VIEWS REGARDING MARRIAGE?

- MARRIAGE IS THE MOST.
- MARRIAGE IS TOPS.

- MARRIAGE IS DREAMY.
- MARRIAGE IS, LIKE, NOTHING.

- MR. KREBS, HOW
CAN YOU SAY THAT?

- IT'S, LIKE, EASY.

ALL YOU DO IS OPEN YOUR
MOUTH AND OUT IT COMES.

WATCH, MARRIAGE
IS, LIKE, NOTHING.

- WEREN'T YOU LISTENING
TO THE STATISTICS I QUOTED?

- SURE, I FIGURE I'LL
LIVE 3.7 YEARS LESS,

EARN 14.4 LESS MONEY, AND JUMP
OFF BRIDGES 31.7 MORE OFTEN.

IT'S BETTER THAT WAY.

- WHAT'S BETTER ABOUT IT?
- I'LL BE SINGLE.

- BAD THINKING, MAYNARD.

DOBIE, MARRIAGE IS SUPER, AND I
WAS ALL WRONG ABOUT IT BEFORE.

IT'S THE MOST. IT'S THE
ABSOLUTE ULTIMATE.

- OH, BOY.

- CAN I BE EXCUSED,
PLEASE, PROFESSOR?

I WANT TO GO CALL THIS
FELLOW FROM THE NAVY

WHO PROPOSED TO ME LAST WEEK.

I'VE BEEN WAITING LONG
ENOUGH TO TELL HIM YES.

- BARBARA JEAN... BARBARA JEAN...
- ANCHORS AWEIGH, MATEY.

AND NOW, TURNING TO THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL FACTORS...

- YOU SEE THAT, DOBIE?
SOONER OR LATER

THEY ALL RUN OUT
ON YOU, EXCEPT ME.

SO WHY DON'T YOU WISE UP,
MISTER, AND QUIT FIGHTING?

- NEVER, ZELDA, SO
LONG AS THERE'S BREATH

IN THIS FRAIL BODY.
- YAY, GOOD BUDDY.

- DOBIE, YOU ARE DESTINED TO BE
MINE, AND NOTHING WILL STOP ME.

NOTHING.

- LIKE, HI, GOOD BUDDY.
WHERE YOU BEEN ALL DAY?

- MAYNARD, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

- NOT MY LINE OF WORK. WORK!
- MAYNARD... MAYNARD, LOOK AT ME.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

- I BETTER NOT SAY. WE
BEEN FRIENDS TOO LONG.

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU SEE.

YOU SEE A FAILURE WITH A
BLEAK AND DISMAL FUTURE AHEAD.

- I SEE ALL THAT?
MAN, I'M, LIKE, AMAZING.

- WHAT'S GONNA
BECOME OF ME, MAYNARD?

I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT,

I'M NOT EXACTLY THE
SMARTEST FELLA IN THE WORLD.

- THAT'S FOR SURE.
- DON'T AGREE SO FAST.

ALSO, I'M NOT THE MOST
TALENTED GUY IN THE WORLD,

OR THE HANDSOMEST.

MY FOLKS ARE HARD-WORKING,
DECENT PEOPLE,

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE A LOT OF
MONEY OR IMPORTANT CONTACTS.

- I MEAN, YOUR FATHER'S MEAN
AND ROTTEN, AND THAT DON'T HELP.

NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.

SO WHAT KIND OF
FUTURE HAVE I GOT?

- LIKE, DISMAL. YOU'RE
ALMOST AS BAD OFF AS ME,

AND THAT'S SINKING PRETTY LOW.

- THERE'S ONLY ONE CHANCE FOR ME

TO GET OUT OF THIS
RUT AND BE SOMEBODY.

- GRAB IT.
- I'VE GOT TO MARRY ZELDA.

- DROP IT.
- NO, MAYNARD.

ZELDA'S BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG.

WHEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT
WHAT MR. POMFRITT SAID TODAY,

I ALL OF A SUDDEN REALIZED
I'D BETTER GRAB HER

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

- YOU'RE MAKING
JOLLIES, HUH, DOBE?

- IF ZELDA'S MY WIFE,
I'LL MAKE MORE MONEY,

I'LL BE EMOTIONALLY
MORE HEALTHY,

AND I'LL LIVE 4.9 YEARS LONGER.

- YOU'RE PULLING
MY ARM, HUH, DOBE?

- THAT'S LEG, AND
NO, MAYNARD, I'M NOT.

IT'S NOW OR NEVER FOR ME.

MARRY ZELDA, OR SOUP
KITCHENS, HERE I COME.

- ATTENTION, HEAR
YE, HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

- ZELDA... ZELDA, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

I'VE DECIDED...

- AHA, I'VE GOT HIS
ATTENTION. NOW TO...

- ZELDA.
- STIR UP HIS INTEREST.

I HAVE HERE A FEW
AUDIOVISUAL AIDS

PROVING THAT MARRIAGE IS THE
MOST EXCITING, STIMULATING...

- ZELDA, LISTEN TO ME.
I'VE DECIDED TO MARRY YOU.

- DOBIE, SOMEDAY YOU'RE
GONNA REALIZE THAT...

MARRY ME? YOU? ME?
- RIGHT.

- MAYNARD... MAYNARD,
YOU HEARD HIM.

HE SAID IT. HE'S GONNA MARRY ME!

HE SAID IT!

- ZELDA, WAIT.
- WITNESSES! WITNESS!

LISTEN, DID YOU HEAR? HE
SAID HE'S GONNA MARRY ME!

- SHE'S GOING TO
BE TOUGH TO MARRY

WITHOUT YOU GET
AN LASSO AND A NET.

- ZELDA! ZELDA!
- LISTEN, WORLD, DID YOU HEAR?

- ZELDA...

- OH, DOBIE, I KNEW YOU'D
COME TO YOUR SENSES.

I JUST KNEW IT.

- ZELDA, YOU WERE
RIGHT ALL THE TIME.

CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME
FOR MAKING YOU WAIT SO LONG?

- IT WASN'T SO LONG, 12
YEARS, 3 MONTHS AND 4 DAYS,

BUT WHO'S COUNTING?
- BUT WHO'S COUNTING, YEAH.

- OH, DOBIE, YOU'LL NEVER
REGRET THIS DECISION.

I'M SO HAPPY, I WANT
TO TURN HANDSPRINGS.

I WANT TO RUN BAREFOOT
THROUGH THE GRASS.

I WANT TO DO WILD AND
CRAZY AND DANGEROUS THINGS.

- ME TOO. SO I'M GONNA
BREAK THE NEWS TO MY DAD.

HE'LL BLOW HIS STACK.

- BLOW MY STACK? NO, SON.

I AM NOT GOING TO BLOW MY STACK.

I AM GOING TO DANCE
AT YOUR WEDDING.

- HEY, THAT'S GREAT, DAD.

- AND AFTER I HAVE
DANCED AT YOUR WEDDING,

I SHALL GO OUT INTO THE
ALLEY AND CUT MY THROAT.

- DAD...
- HERBERT, THAT'S
NO WAY TO TALK.

- HOW OTHER WAY IS THERE TO
TALK FOR A KIND, LOVING FATHER

WHO SEES HIS WELL-BELOVED SON

TURNING INTO A
KNUCKLEHEADED SCHNOOK.

- DAD, LISTEN TO ME.

- BOY, WHY DO YOU
HAVE TO GET MARRIED

AND FALL INTO THAT
MISERABLE TRAP?

WINNIE, I'M SORRY,
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

SON, MARRIAGE IS A WONDERFUL
THING WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT,

BUT YOU'VE GOT
TO BE READY FOR IT.

- I AM READY.

- THAT'S WHAT I SAID, AND
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

WINNIE, I'M JUST TRYING TO
GIVE THE BOY SOME GOOD ADVICE.

- DOBIE, IF I MAY TRANSLATE

WHAT I SUSPECT THAT YOUR
FATHER IS TRYING TO SAY,

DON'T RUSH INTO THIS MARRIAGE.

MAKE SURE THAT IT'S EXACTLY
WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE YOU DO IT,

USE YOUR HEAD AS
WELL AS YOUR HEART.

- OH, WINNIE, THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY.

OH, YOU HAVE A GIFT FOR SAYING

THE RIGHT THING
AT THE RIGHT TIME.

YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD THAT QUALITY,

EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY
OTHER... OH, THERE I GO AGAIN.

- DAD, THIS IS NOT
A HASTY DECISION.

OUR PROFESSOR, MR. POMFRITT,
GAVE US STATISTICS

THAT PROVED TO ME
HOW MUCH BETTER OFF

PEOPLE ARE MARRIED THAN SINGLE.

- DOBIE, IF THIS IS
WHAT YOU TRULY WANT,

YOU MUST HAVE GOOD
SUFFICIENT REASONS.

- OF COURSE I DO, MOM.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, I'M KIND AND
THOUGHTFUL AND CONSIDERATE,

AND I THINK I'LL BE
A GOOD HUSBAND.

- CAN YOU SUPPORT A WIFE?

- I SAID I'D BE
GOOD, NOT PERFECT.

- THEN MAY ONE ASK WHERE
THE MONEY IS COMING FROM?

- ONE MAY.

- DAD, THAT'S A FAIR QUESTION,
AND YOU DESERVE A FAIR ANSWER.

- AND DOBIE DESERVES
A FAIR ALLOWANCE.

- NOT REALLY AN ALLOWANCE,
MORE LIKE AN ADVANCE,

BUT WE'LL PAY YOU
BACK AS SOON AS WE CAN,

WORKING HERE IN THE
STORE IF NECESSARY.

- IT WON'T TAKE TOO LONG, THAT
ZELDA IS STRONG AS A HORSE,

OR A PONY ANYHOW.

- OKAY, DAD, YOU KNOW THE
FACTS. NOW WHAT'S THE ANSWER?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE
ANSWER IS, THE ANSWER...

- THE ANSWER IS THAT YOUR
FATHER AND I WILL THINK IT OVER

FOR A DAY OR TWO
AND SO WILL YOU,

AND THEN WE WILL
MAKE OUR FINAL DECISION.

FAIR ENOUGH?

- OKAY, MOM. I'LL BE GLAD
TO WAIT A COUPLE OF DAYS

AND GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT
IF YOU WANT. I'M REASONABLE.

- GOOD. AND HERBERT, YOU'LL
BE REASONABLE TOO, WON'T YOU?

- HIM? OH, COME NOW.
- MAYNARD.

- OKAY. OKAY. I'LL WAIT.
- NOW I'M HAPPY.

I KNOW THAT MY TWO BOYS
WILL WORK IT OUT JUST FINE.

- THEM? OH, COME NOW.

- MAYNARD. I'VE GOT
TO GET OVER TO ZELDA'S.

BYE, MOM. SO LONG, DAD.

- WELL, SMARTIE, AND WHAT DO
YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN

WHEN ALL FOUR OF US TRY
TO GET INTO THE BATHROOM

AT THE SAME TIME IN
THE MORNING, HUH?

- HERBERT, IT IS NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.

- NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT?

THIS HOUSE HAS ONE BATHROOM,

AND WHAT HOUSE DO YOU THINK
THEY ARE GOING TO BE LIVING IN?

- NO, HERBERT, WHAT I MEAN IS
THERE'S NO REASON TO WORRY

THAT DOBIE AND ZELDA
WILL GET MARRIED.

THEY'LL TALK
THEMSELVES OUT OF IT

JUST AS SOON AS
THEY HAVE A CHANCE

TO THINK ABOUT IT SERIOUSLY,

AND IF WE FIGHT THEM, IT MAY
MAKE THINGS MORE DIFFICULT.

- YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M
GOING OVER TO THAT COLLEGE

AND MAKE THAT POMFRITT
TAKE BACK ALL THE GOOD THINGS

HE SAID ABOUT MARRIAGE.

- WELL, THAT ISN'T
REALLY NECESSARY, DEAR,

BUT IF YOU WANT TO CONSULT
HIM, I DON'T SEE ANY HARM IN IT.

- JUST GOING TO STRAIGHTEN
HIM OUT, THAT'S ALL.

- ALL RIGHT, DEAR. BUT
PROMISE ME, BE CALM.

NO VIOLENCE.
- VIOLENCE? ME?

WINNIE, MY BOY'S FUTURE
IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I WILL BE CALM AND
GENTLE AS A LAMB.

- WHO IS GOING TO
PUNCH WHOM IN THE NOSE?

- POMFRITT, YOU GET
MY KID OVER HERE

AND TELL HIM ALL THOSE GOOD
THINGS YOU SAID ABOUT MARRIAGE

IS A LOT OF RUBBISH,

OR YOU ARE GOING TO WIND UP
WITH A MOUTH FULL OF KNUCKLES.

- MR. GILLIS, I CONSIDER
ANYONE WHO THREATENS FORCE

TO BE A RUDE, UNCOUTH HOOLIGAN.

- MM, GETTING TIRED OF THOSE
TEETH YOU'VE BEEN USING, HUH?

- HERBERT!

- VERY WELL, MR. GILLIS,

IF YOU INSIST UPON
RESORTING TO THE PHYSICAL...

- HERBERT, NO!

- NOW YOU'RE
TALKING MY LANGUAGE.

- ALTHOUGH IT HAS BEEN 10 YEARS
SINCE I WAS A JUDO INSTRUCTOR

IN THE MARINE CORPS,

I WAS BATTALION CHAMPION
THREE YEARS RUNNING.

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

- I WAS A RUDE,
UNCOUTH HOOLIGAN.

- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU WERE.

- YEAH, BUT A RUDE,
UNCOUTH HOOLIGAN

WHO'S TRYING TO SAVE HIS
SON FROM GETTING CAUGHT

IN THE SAME TRAP HIS
OLD MAN GOT CAUGHT IN.

- HERBERT!

- OH, WINNIE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- NOW, MR. AND MRS. GILLIS, THE
INFORMATION I GAVE THE CLASS

WAS NOT INTENDED TO MAKE THOSE
YOUNG PEOPLE GO CHARGING OFF

TO THE NEAREST
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.

- OF COURSE, WE UNDERSTAND THAT.

- SO IF YOU WILL BRING YOUR
SON AND MISS GILROY IN TO SEE ME,

I'LL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER

TO PREVENT THEM
FROM ACTING HASTILY.

- OH, YOU'RE ALL
HEART, POMFRITT,

AND I'M GOING TO HAVE
THOSE KIDS OVER HERE

QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY "I DO."

- I DO.

I CERTAINLY DO WANT TO HEAR
WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY, DAD.

- OF COURSE, I DON'T
EXPECT YOU KIDS

TO PAY ANY ATTENTION
TO MY ADVICE.

YOU PROBABLY LOOK
ON ME AS AN OLD FOGEY.

- OH, NO, MR. GILLIS.
REALLY, WE DON'T.

- I DO.
- MAYNARD...

- BUT IF YOU'VE GOT
YOUR HEADS MADE UP

TO GO THROUGH
WITH THIS MARRIAGE,

THEN I THINK MAYBE FIRST WE
OUGHT TO TALK TO SOMEBODY

WHO KNOWS ALL ABOUT
THAT KIND OF STUFF, SEE,

AND THEN WE'LL GO ALONG
WITH WHATEVER HE SAYS, OKAY?

- GOOD THINKING, DAD.

- WE'LL FIND A COMPLETELY
IMPARTIAL AUTHORITY.

- UH-HUH.
- BUT WHO?

- NOW, LET'S NOT RUSH
INTO ANYTHING, SEE?

LET'S TAKE OUR TIME.

LET'S... HEY, LET'S GO OVER
AND TALK TO THAT PROFESSOR

OVER AT THE SCHOOL.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?

- POMFRITT.
- POMFRITT.

- OH, THAT'S THE GUY, YEAH.

- HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
- EXCELLENT CHOICE.

- BUT HE'S ALWAYS SO BUSY.
WHEN WILL HE BE ABLE TO SEE US?

- AT 4:15. HE'S EXPECTING US.

- BELIEVE ME, DOBIE
AND ZELDA, I REALIZE

THAT THE TASK OF ADVISING
YOUNG PEOPLE ON MARRIAGE

IS A VERY DIFFICULT ONE.

- EXCEPT FOR SAYING
NO. THAT'S A CINCH.

- HOWEVER, I HAVE MADE
UP A LIST OF THE ELEMENTS

THAT I CONSIDER ESSENTIAL IN
THE BACKGROUND OF PARTICIPANTS

IN A HAPPY MARRIAGE.

NOW, I WOULD LIKE
TO CHECK YOU OUT

AND SEE HOW YOU MEASURE
UP ON THESE COUNTS.

- THEY'LL MEASURE UP MISERABLE,
SO WHAT'S THE USE OF TALKING?

- DAD, WE ALL AGREED TO GO
ALONG WITH MR. POMFRITT'S ADVICE,

SO WE CERTAINLY OUGHT
TO LISTEN CAREFULLY TO HIM.

- I'M LISTENING. I'M LISTENING.

WHAT HAVE I GOT TO WORRY
ABOUT, HUH, POMFREY?

- WE SHALL SEE, MR. GILLIS.

NOW, THE FIRST ITEM
IS MOST IMPORTANT.

ARE YOUR PARENTS
HAPPILY MARRIED?

- WHAT'S THAT GOT
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

- CHILDREN OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE

ARE MORE LIKELY TO
BE WELL ADJUSTED.

YEAH, MR. POMFRITT.

MY PARENTS ARE LIKE A
COUPLE OF NEWLYWEDS.

- MY FOLKS ARE
HAPPILY MARRIED TOO.

- GOOD, YOU SCORE
100% ON THAT QUESTION.

- NOW, HOLD THE PHONE.

DO YOU MEAN THAT IF DOBIE
COMES FROM AN UNHAPPY HOME

THE CHANCES ARE HE WON'T
HAVE A HAPPY MARRIAGE?

- WELL, YES.

- DOBIE, WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE

YOUR PARENTS ARE
HAPPILY MARRIED?

- WHAT? AREN'T WE
HAPPILY MARRIED?

- WINNIE, THIS IS NOT THE TIME
OR THE PLACE TO DISCUSS IT.

- OH, YES, IT IS.

IF WE AREN'T HAPPY, I'D
LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

- WELL, I SUPPOSE IT WOULD
HAVE TO COME OUT SOMETIME.

- AND THE SOMETIME IS
NOW. TELL ME, HERBERT.

DON'T SPARE MY FEELINGS.

- WINNIE, I'M SORRY,

BUT FOR YEARS I'VE
BEEN RUNNING AROUND

ON THE VERGE OF FRUSTRATION.
- OH?

AND HOW LONG HAS
THIS BEEN GOING ON?

- EVER SINCE THE HONEYMOON.

- DAD, IF YOU WERE THAT UNHAPPY,
MOM AND I WOULD HAVE NOTICED.

- OH, NOT FROM ME
YOU WOULDN'T, BOY.

I'M THE KIND WHO LIKES TO CRY
PRIVATELY, LIKE INTO MY PILLOW.

- AND ALL THIS TIME I
THOUGHT YOU WERE SNORING.

- POMFRITT, THE ANSWER
TO YOUR QUESTION IS NO.

DOBIE DOES NOT COME
FROM A HAPPY HOME.

NEXT QUESTION.

- NEXT QUESTION.

DOBIE AND ZELDA, DID YOU
HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD?

- Both: YES.
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

- HAPPY CHILDREN GROW
INTO WELL-ADJUSTED ADULTS

AND MAKE EXCELLENT
MARRIAGE PROSPECTS.

MR. POMFRITT, I WAS
EXTREMELY HAPPY AS A CHILD.

- ME TOO.

- YOU WERE A PATHETIC
KID, ALWAYS SNIVELING.

- NO, I WASN'T, DAD.
I WAS VERY HAPPY.

- SON, YOU LAUGHED
TO HIDE YOUR TEARS.

YOU COME FROM
THAT KIND OF STOCK.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER BUT I DO.

MOROSE, SULLEN,
MISERABLE. AND WHY?

BECAUSE YOU CAME
FROM AN UNHAPPY HOME.

- HERBERT, WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DOBIE WAS A VERY HAPPY CHILD,

LAUGHING AND
SINGING ALL THE TIME.

- DID YOU HEAR THAT, PROFESSOR?

THAT IS WHY HE WAS
AN UNHAPPY CHILD,

BECAUSE I GOT A WIFE WHO
IS ALWAYS CONTRADICTING ME.

NOW, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
FOR A CHILD

TO HAVE A HAPPY HOME LIFE
WHEN HE'S GOT TWO PARENTS,

ONE OF WHICH IS ALWAYS
CONTRADICTING AND ARGUING

WITH THE OTHER.

IT FIGURES HE HAS
TO BE AN UNHAPPY KID.

NEXT QUESTION.
- VERY WELL.

DID YOU HAVE A STRONG
AFFECTION FOR YOUR MOTHER?

- Both: YES.
- WHOA THERE, WHOA.

- ALL RIGHT.
SPEAKING FOR MYSELF,

I HAD A VERY STRONG
AFFECTION FOR MY MOTHER.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT
THIS INGRATE HERE,

THIS FRESH KID WHO NEVER DID
ANYTHING GOOD FOR HIS MOTHER.

- DAD, I LOVE MY MOTHER.

- THAT'S TRUE, DOBIE WAS
ALWAYS VERY SWEET TO ME.

- OH, COME ON, ADMIT IT, WINNIE.

YOU ARE JUST ASHAMED
TO TELL POMFRITT HERE

THAT WE HAVE AN UNHAPPY HOME
AND A SON WHO IS ROTTEN INSIDE.

WELL, I ADMIT IT.

I WHO AM THE ROTTEN
FATHER OF THIS...

THIS UNHAPPY FATHER'S
KID AND... NEXT QUESTION.

- DO YOU HAVE A STRONG
AFFECTION FOR YOUR FATHER?

- YES.

- AND YOU, TELL THE TRUTH
FOR A CHANGE, WILL YOU?

- BUT I LOVE YOU, DAD.

- OH, COME NOW. HOW
CAN ANYBODY LOVE ME?

AND THAT JUST PROVES THAT HE'S
MAKING UP THE WHOLE BLAME THING.

NEXT QUESTION.

- I HAVE NO MORE QUESTIONS.

- ALL RIGHT, AND ALL THE
ANSWERS HAVE BEEN WRONG,

SO LET'S FORGET ALL THIS
MARRIAGE JAZZ AND GO HOME.

COME ON.
- NOT SO FAST, MR. GILLIS.

YOU'VE JUST GIVEN MR. POMFRITT
A DRAMATIC DEMONSTRATION

OF THE LOVE AND DEVOTION A
FATHER CAN FEEL FOR HIS SON.

- I HAVE?
- MR. POMFRITT, DON'T YOU SEE?

MR. GILLIS WOULD DO
ANYTHING FOR DOBIE,

LIE, CHEAT, DEGRADE HIMSELF,

ANYTHING.
- I WOULD?

- IF HE THOUGHT IT WAS IN
THE BEST INTEREST OF HIS SON.

- I REALIZE THAT, ZELDA,

AND WITH SUCH A LOVING
FAMILY BACKGROUND,

ACADEMICALLY SPEAKING NOW,

IT WOULD SEEM TO ME THAT AT A
MARRIAGE BETWEEN ZELDA AND DOBIE

WOULD HAVE EVERY
CHANCE OF SUCCESS.

- HEY, THAT'S
WONDERFUL, MR. POMFRITT.

- HOW CAN WE EVER
THANK YOU, SIR?

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT'S ALL THIS...
- DAD... DAD,

YOU PROMISED TO GO ALONG WITH
WHATEVER THE PROFESSOR ADVISED.

- DOBIE'S RIGHT. YOU
DID PROMISE, DEAR.

- THIS IS THE WISEST
DECISION YOU EVER MADE,

AND YOU'LL NEVER
REGRET IT, PAPA GILLIS.

- ZELDA!

I REGRETTED IT BEFORE
I EVER GOT HERE.

NOW IT'S IN SPADES.

- OH, DAD.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- I'M TAKING DOWN THIS PICTURE
OF NAPOLEON BONAPARTE.

THAT'S ONLY FAIR BECAUSE ZELDA
IS NOW IN A CLASS BY HERSELF.

I MEAN, IF SHE'D BEEN
WITH GENERAL CUSTER,

THERE'S NO QUESTION THAT THE
WHOLE THING WOULD NOW BE KNOWN

AS THE INDIANS' LAST STAND.

SHE'S UNBEATABLE.

SO IT'S INEVITABLE THAT THE
DAY IS RAPIDLY APPROACHING

WHEN I WILL BE SAYING TWO OF
THE TRULY SHATTERING WORDS

IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

- I DO.

YEP. THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA
SAY OVER AND, LIKE, OVER

WHEN THEY SAY, IS THERE
ANYBODY WHO CAN GIVE A REASON

WHY THESE TWO
SHOULD NOT BE MARRIED,

I'M GONNA JUMP UP AND SAY, I DO!

I'M GONNA SAY
YOU'RE A BANK ROBBER,

A SAFE CRACKER, A
TRUNK MURDERER,

AND YOU GOT THREE TRAFFIC
TICKETS IN THE LAST MONTH,

AND IF THAT DON'T
WORK, I'M GONNA FAINT.

I'M GONNA FAINT
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I'M GONNA FAINT, FAINT,
FAINT, FAINT, FAINT,

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
GIVE ME ARTIFICIAL EXPIRATION.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
RESPIRATION, AND ENOUGH.

I'M MARRYING ZELDA, AND
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

- HI, DOBIE.

- AH, ZELDA, MY BETROTHED,
HOW GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- HI, MAYNARD.
- HI.

- MAYNARD, HOW COME YOU
DON'T WANT ME AND DOBIE

TO GET MARRIED?

- WELL, IT AIN'T NONE
OF MY BUSINESS,

SO I'LL TELL YOU.
- MAYNARD, STAY OUT OF THIS.

- NO. PLEASE, DOBIE, I WANT
TO HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY.

- WELL, EVER SINCE
HE GOT ENGAGED,

OLD DOBE AIN'T BEEN THE
OLD DOBE HE USED TO BE.

- SAYS WHO?

- SAYS ME, I JUST SAID
IT. DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?

- CONTINUE, MAYNARD.
I WANT TO HEAR THIS.

- WELL, HE USED TO GO GALLOPING
AROUND AFTER CHICKS, YOU KNOW,

AND PINCHING FLOWERS OFF
MISS TRIGNEY'S LAWN TO GIVE 'EM,

AND WRITING 'EM POEMS
THAT DIDN'T RHYME,

AND SINGING UNDER THEIR
WINDOWS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

AND JUST ACTING
LIKE SOME KIND OF NUT.

NO OFFENSE, OLD NUT.
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.

SINCE YOU INSIST ON
BRINGING IT UP, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DID ACT LIKE
SOME KIND OF A NUT.

I WAS A PERPETUAL SCHOOLBOY

ALWAYS CHASING AFTER A
RAINBOW I COULDN'T CATCH.

BUT NOW THAT I KNOW
MY FUTURE'S WITH ZELDA,

I'VE STARTED TO ACT
LIKE A GROWN-UP MAN,

AND IT'S ABOUT TIME, ISN'T IT?

I'M CALM, I'M
SECURE, I'M SETTLED.

- YOU AIN'T SETTLED, DOBE.

YOU'RE, LIKE,
DEFEATED, LIKE, SCARED,

LIKE, PLAYING IT SAFE
AND, LIKE, COPPING OUT.

- THANKS, MAYNARD.
THANKS A LUMP.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, WELCOME,
AND ANOTHER THING...

- GOODBYE, MAYNARD.
MAYNARD WAS JUST LEAVING.

- I WAS?
- YOU WERE.

- OH, WELL, SO LONG,
ZEL, SO LONG, DOBE.

HEY, I WONDER HOW
HE KNEW I WAS LEAVING.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
I WAS LEAVING.

MAN, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.

- MAYNARD MEANS WELL,

BUT SOMETIMES HE SEES
THINGS KIND OF FUNNY.

- SOMETIMES HE SEES THINGS
KIND OF BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

DOBIE, WHY DO YOU
WANT TO MARRY ME?

- HUH?

- IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY
YOU WANT TO MARRY ME.

- HOLY COW, ZELDA,

WE WENT THROUGH ALL THAT
SEVERAL THOUSAND TIMES.

- PLEASE TELL ME,
DOBIE, IT'S IMPORTANT.

- WELL, SURE, IF YOU WANT.

WE GREW UP TOGETHER,
WE RESPECT EACH OTHER,

WE GET ALONG,

WE LAUGH AT A LOT
OF THE SAME THINGS,

WE'RE GOOD FOR EACH OTHER.

- ALL TRUE. ANYTHING ELSE?

- WELL, I GUESS I COULD
THINK OF SOME MORE, BUT...

- WHAT ABOUT LOVE?
- LOVE?

- IT'S ONE WORD YOU DIDN'T USE.

IT'S A WORD YOU'VE
NEVER USED TO ME.

- SURE I LOVE YOU, ZELDA,
BUT IT'S A DIFFERENT KIND,

A QUIET KIND,

A KIND YOU DON'T RUN
AROUND SHOUTING ABOUT.

- AND YOU DON'T PINCH FLOWERS
OFF MRS. TRIGNEY'S FRONT LAWN

FOR ME EITHER, DO YOU?
- ZELDA.

- OR WRITE ME CRAZY
POEMS THAT DON'T RHYME,

OR SING UNDER MY WINDOW
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

- ZELDA, THAT'S ALL
ROMANTIC NONSENSE.

- RIGHT.

MAYBE BEING ROMANTIC IS
SOMETHING YOU GROW OUT OF,

BUT HOW CAN I GROW OUT
OF SOMETHING I NEVER HAD?

- LOOK, I NEVER THINK OF
DOING THOSE GOOFY THINGS NOW,

NOT WITH YOU.

I FEEL DIFFERENTLY
ABOUT YOU, ZELDA.

GROWN UP, MATURE, SETTLED.
- NO, DOBIE. DON'T YOU SEE?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL
GROWN UP AND MATURE

AND SETTLED AROUND ME.

I WANT YOU TO FEEL
YOUNG AND GOOFY.

I'M A GIRL, I'M ENTITLED.

- BUT I JUST DON'T FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT YOU.

- WELL, IN THAT CASE,

I JUST DON'T FEEL
LIKE GETTING MARRIED.

- ZELDA, WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE.

- THE WEDDING IS OFF.

- FOR HOW LONG? TILL WHEN?

- TILL...

TILL MY FATHER HAS TO CHASE
YOU AWAY FROM UNDER MY WINDOW

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

- ZELDA.

- TILL MRS. TRIGNEY HAS TO BUILD

A GREAT BIG HUGE TREMENDOUS
FENCE AROUND HER FLOWERS

TO KEEP YOU OUT,

TILL MY MAILBOX IS
FLOODED WITH CRAZY POEMS

AND NOT ONE SINGLE WORD RHYMES.

- I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN, ZELDA.

- YOU'LL LIKE IT THIS WAY
BETTER TOO, DOBIE-DEAR,

I'M SURE OF IT.

- YES, ZELDA. I
GUESS MAYBE I WILL.

AND ZELDA, I'LL LET YOU KNOW

WHEN TO START LOOKING
UNDER YOUR WINDOW.

- THANKS, DOBIE.

DOBIE?
- YES, ZELDA?

- DON'T WAIT TOO LONG, HUH?

- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, BYE, DOBE.

- BYE? MAYNARD, I'M
NOT GOING ANYPLACE.

- SURE YOU ARE, GOOD BUDDY,

INTO THE BLESSED STATE
OF COMMUNITY PROPERTY.

- OH, MAYNARD,
DIDN'T YOU HEAR? WE...

- OH, THAT'S WHY I BRUNG
YOU MY WEDDING PRESENTS,

LIKE, UNDER PROTEST.

- YEAH. LOOK, MAYNARD...
- HERE'S MY PETRIFIED FROG.

MY BALL OF TIN FOIL
I'VE BEEN COLLECTING

SINCE I WAS A LITTLE TINY BABY,

AND...
- MAYNARD.

- MY MOST PRIZED
POSSESSION OF ALL,

THE ONLY EXISTING STATUE
CARVED BY HAND OUT OF SOAP

OF ROGER MARIS
IN CIVILIAN CLOTHES.

- MAYNARD... MAYNARD,
DIDN'T YOU HEAR?

WE CALLED IT OFF.

ZELDA AND I ARE NOT
GETTING MARRIED.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?

- GIVE ME BACK MY WEDDING
PRESENTS, YOU FALSE PRETENSE.

- DOBIE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
- ZELDA...

- SMALL GIRL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF SOMEBODY GAVE YOU THE ONLY
EXISTING STATUE CARVED BY HAND

OUT OF SOAP OF ROGER
MARIS IN CIVILIAN CLOTHES?

- WASH THE DISHES WITH IT.

- GOOD BUDDY, WHEN YOU
CALLED IT OFF, YOU DONE GOOD.

♪ AH AH AH AH ♪

- ZELDA. ZELDA.
- SING, POOPSIE.

- ZELDA, LOOK...
- POOPSIE, SING!

- ZELDA, YOU PROMISED
YOU'D WAIT TILL I WAS READY.

- I AM WAITING.

♪ AH AH AH ♪

- ZELDA, THIS IS WAITING?
- YOU BET YOUR BOOTS.

WHEN YOU GET THAT SUDDEN URGE

TO SING UNDER MY WINDOW
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE
YOU'RE ON KEY, BUSTER.

♪ AH AH ♪

- ZELDA.
- SING.

♪ AH AH AH AH ♪

- All: ♪ AH AH AH AH ♪