The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 18 - Girls Will Be Boys - full transcript
Maynard meets his kind of people in Edwina "Eddie" Kegel, a tomboy who enjoys hacking around with him, watching building demolitions and sewer excavations and laughing at the "oblongs" at the sophomore dance.
- DOBIE GILLIS, I'VE
HAD IT WITH YOU.
YOU PROMISED ME AN
EIGHT COURSE STEAK DINNER
AT THE GOLDEN LOBSTER
AND NOW YOU SWITCH IT TO
HAMBURGERS AT THE BEACH.
- PLEASE, FORGIVE ME,
STEPHANIE, MY SWEET.
I JUST COULDN'T HELP IT.
SOMETHING HAPPENED
THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE...
IMPOSSIBLE, RIDICULOUS,
UNBELIEVABLE, FREAKS OF NATURE.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE,
LIKE, HI, GIRL,
LIKE, THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO
HACK AROUND WITH YOU TONIGHT.
YOU'RE ALL HEART
FROM FOOT TO TOE.
- DOBIE, YOUR SUDDEN
CHANGE IN PLANS,
DO I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE
MAYNARD TO THANK FOR THAT?
- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BOTHER THANKING ME.
IT WAS, LIKE, A PLEASURE.
- YEAH, I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE
HEART TO LEAVE HIM BY HIMSELF.
HE GETS LONESOME.
- DOBIE, THREE ON A
DATE IS RIDICULOUS.
- LIKE, RIGHT, SO IF YOU WANNA
GO HOME, IT'S OKAY WITH US.
- YEAH. MAYNARD.
- WAIT A MINUTE. I
JUST HAD A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF IT BEFORE.
WE'LL FIND A GIRL TO BE
MAYNARD'S DATE AND...
OH, I JUST REALIZED WHY I
DIDN'T THINK OF IT BEFORE.
- GOOD THINKING. I WOULDN'T
BE CAUGHT ALIVE WITH A CHICK.
THEY SCARE ME SOMETHING
FIERCE NOT TO MENTION VICE VERSA.
COME ON, DOBIE,
LET'S GO DOWNTOWN
AND WATCH THEM KNOCK DOWN
THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
THEY GOT A BIG CRANE
WITH A BIG IRON BALL.
- MAYNARD, LOOK, MAYNARD.
- STEPHANIE, I'M SORRY.
THIS WHOLE THING WAS
JUST ONE OF THOSE...
IMPOSSIBLE, RIDICULOUS,
UNBELIEVABLE, FREAKS OF NATURE.
- YOU RANG?
- HEY, YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE'S
THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING?
I HEAR THEY'RE KNOCKING IT DOWN
WITH ONE OF THEM BIG
IRON BALLS ON A CHAIN
AND I AIN'T GONNA MISS THAT.
IT GOES...
- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU DIG
KNOCKING DOWN OLD BUILDINGS?
- MAN, IT'S A GAS. I
WATCH IT ALL THE TIME.
OVER NEAR WHERE I LIVE THEY
HAVE THIS OLD WAREHOUSE, SEE.
- NO, NO, NO, IT DON'T GO
LIKE... IT GOES LIKE THIS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- NAME THE MOST EXCITING
DAY IN A FELLA'S LIFE,
THE DAY HE PUTS ON HIS
FIRST PAIR OF LONG PANTS,
THE DAY HE HITS
HIS FIRST HOME RUN,
SURE, THOSE ARE EXCITING DAYS
BUT THEY DON'T COME
ANYWHERE NEAR THE DAY
HE MEETS THE ONLY GIRL.
IT'S A ONCE IN A
LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I KNOW, IT'S HAPPENED
TO ME MANY TIMES.
AND NOW IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS
FINALLY HAPPENING TO MAYNARD.
HE WOULD SOON BE
HEARING FOR THE FIRST TIME
THE SWEET, TENDER, WOMANLY
WORDS THAT EVERY MAN LONGS TO HEAR.
- WHAT ELSE I LIKE TO DO
IS CLIMB OVER THE
FENCE IN THE STOCKYARDS
AND WATCH THEM DIP SHEEP.
BROTHER, THAT'S LIVING.
- OH, YEAH, I COULD
WATCH THEM DO THAT
EIGHT, NINE, TEN DAYS A
WEEK AND SOMETIMES I DO.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
ELSE I LIKE TO DO?
- NO, CLUE ME.
- GO OVER TO THE
RAILROAD STATION
AND STAND AROUND WHEN THE
COAL CARS IS GETTING LOADED UP.
THAT'S THE MADDEST.
- OH, YEAH, GENUINE JOYSVILLE.
- DOBIE, WHAT ARE
THEY TALKING ABOUT?
- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A
WORD. IT MUST BE LOVE.
- WHAT ELSE I LIKE TO DO
IS WATCH THEM RUN CARS
UP A GREASE RACK.
PUSH ONE LITTLE BUTTON AND...
[WHISTLES] UP SHE GOES!
- OH, YEAH, CRAZY, I COULD WATCH
THEM DO THAT 10, 12 DAYS A WEEK.
- ME, TOO.
ONLY THEY DON'T LIKE GIRLS
HANGING AROUND GARAGES.
- OH, WELL, WHAT'S
THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
- I'M, LIKE, A GIRL.
- OH, YEAH, YOU ARE, KIND
OF, LIKE A GIRL, BUT NOT MUCH.
- ARE YOU MAD 'CAUSE I'M A GIRL?
- NO, BECAUSE YOU
AIN'T REALLY A GIRL.
I MEAN, WHO DIGS DIPPING SHEEP
AND KNOCKING OUT OLD BUILDINGS,
THAT AIN'T LIKE A GIRL.
THAT'S LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- ATTABOY! THAT'S
USING THE OLD BEAN.
MY NAME'S EDDIE KEGEL.
PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, YOUR BEARDSHIP.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE.
MY NAME IS MAYNARD G.
KREBS, YOUR FRIENDSHIP.
- WHAT'S THE G STAND FOR?
- WALTER.
- GOOD NAME.
- I WAS MIDDLE
NAMED AFTER MY AUNT.
- MINE USED TO BE EDWINA.
THAT'S WHAT MY FOLKS NAMED ME
BUT I SURE CHANGED
THAT IN A HURRY.
I MEAN, LIKE, WHO
NEEDS THAT NOISE?
- HEY, WE BETTER CUT OUT QUICK.
WE'RE GONNA MISS KNOCKING
DOWN THE ENDICOTT BUILDING.
THE WAY THAT OLD BALL'S
BEEN SWINGING ALL DAY
THERE'S GOING TO BE HARDLY
ANY BUILDING LEFT TO KNOCK DOWN.
- HEY, MAYNARD, I'VE
GOT A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S MAKE THIS A DOUBLE DATE.
- WHO'S THIS TYKE?
- I'M MAYNARD'S BEST
FRIEND, DOBIE GILLIS
AND THIS IS STEPHANIE
TROWBRIDGE.
- HI, THERE.
- HI, HI, COME ON,
MAYNARD, LET'S CUT OUT.
- DOBIE, THAT WAS A
WONDERFUL SUGGESTION.
WHY DON'T THE FOUR OF US ALL
GO DANCING AT THE PEABODY ROOM.
- YEAH.
- DANCING?
- DANCING?
- ME?
- HER?
- OH, COME NOW!
- OH, COME NOW!
- STEPHANIE, I'M WORRIED.
- WHY, DOBIE?
YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU WANTED
MAYNARD TO FIND A SOUL MATE.
- TRUE BUT SOMEHOW I, KIND
OF, HOPED IT WOULD BE A GIRL.
I DID.
- OKAY, SON, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- WELL, DAD, MAYNARD'S KNOWN
THIS GIRL FOR NEARLY A WEEK NOW
AND ALL THEY EVER DO IS STAND
AROUND WATCHING SHEEP DIPS
AND SEWER EXCAVATIONS
AND LIKE THAT.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
YOU SHOULD DO MORE OF IT.
IT'S NICE, HEALTHFUL,
OUTDOOR ENTERTAINMENT.
IT DON'T COST NOTHING. IT
KEEPS YOU OFF THE STREETS.
AND ARE YOU SAYING
WHAT I THINK YOU'RE SAYING?
- I'M AFRAID SO, DAD.
- NO HOLDING
HANDS IN THE MOVIES,
NO MOONLIGHT
STROLLS IN THE PARK,
NO ROMANTIC SOIREE?
- NOT A SOIR.
IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS
BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE
MAYNARD THINKS OF THIS GIRL
AS SORT OF A SHORT,
PONYTAILED BOY.
- NO, MY SON, AND TO THINK I
BALL YOU OUT JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE A COUPLE OF YEARS
OVERDRAWN ON YOUR ALLOWANCE.
FORGIVE ME, BOY.
- SURE, DAD, SURE.
THEN YOU WILL TALK
TO MAYNARD, PLEASE?
- WELL, IT'S A CINCH SOMEBODY'S
GOT TO TALK TO HIM, BUT WHY ME?
WHY NOT HIS OWN FATHER?
- YEAH, THAT DOESN'T WORK.
EVERY TIME HE HAS TO TALK
TO MAYNARD FACE-TO-FACE,
HE STARTS TO CRY.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A GROWN MAN CRY?
IT'S SPOOKY. BUT WHERE WERE WE?
- YOU WERE GONNA
TALK TO MAYNARD.
- OH, YES, WELL, IF YOU WANT
ME TO TALK TO HIM, I WILL.
AFTER ALL, THE BOY
IS BASICALLY OKAY.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH HIM THAT CAN'T BE FIXED.
- BYE A BLAST OF DYNAMITE.
- HEY, DOBE, GUESS WHAT?
ME AND EDDIE GONNA
HELP LOAD THEM COAL CARS.
- EDDIE?
- DAD, IT'S SHORT FOR EDWINA.
- OHH, THAT IT IS.
- MAN, WE SURE BEEN
HAVING KICKS TOGETHER.
I MEAN, SKIPPING
STONES ALONG THE RIVER
AND SHIMMYING UP TREES
AND CLIMBING OVER FENCES.
- SON, IS IT TOO LATE
FOR ME TO CHICKEN OUT?
- DAD, IF YOU WALK OUT NOW,
MAYNARD'S WHOLE LIFE MIGHT
GO RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.
- YOU PRESENT A
POWERFUL TEMPTATION.
- DAD, YOU'VE GOT
TO HELP MAYNARD.
- YOU MAYNARD, YES, YOU MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, YOU AND ME ARE
GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK, SEE?
AND MAYBE WE CAN
LEARN SOMETHING, HUH?
- SURE, WHAT DO
YOU WANT OT LEARN?
- MAYNARD.
- PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR.
- NOW, LISTEN, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU LIKE YOUR FATHER.
- OKAY, YOU BETTER START CRYING.
- MAYNARD.
- HE ALWAYS CRIES
WHEN HE TALKS TO ME.
- MAYNARD...
MAYNARD, I WANT YOU TO TELL
ME HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS EDDIE
REALLY FEEL ABOUT HER?
- BEST HANDBALL
PLAYER I EVER MET.
- SON, I JUST HAPPENED TO
REMEMBER I VERY IMPORTANT...
- DAD, YOU PROMISED.
- OKAY.
MAYNARD, THERE ARE
TWO SEXES, REMEMBER?
BOYS AND GIRLS.
- YEAH, THERE'S PROBABLY A PLACE
FOR EDDIE IN THERE SOMEWHERE.
- NOW, YOU REMEMBER YOUR
BIBLE STORY ABOUT NOAH'S ARK?
- OH, YEAH, I LIKE NOAH.
HE WAS A FINE, GREAT MAN,
HELPING ALL THEM POOR ANIMALS.
- RIGHT. AND HOW
DID HE HELP THEM?
BY PUTTING THEM IN THE
ARK TWO-BY-TWO IN PAIRS.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- LIKE, TRUE.
AND THE REASON WE HAVE
ALL THESE LITTLE ANIMALS
RUNNING AROUND
TODAY IS BECAUSE NOAH
PUT THEIR ANCESTORS IN
THE ARK IN PAIRS, GET IT?
IN PAIRS.
- EXCEPT THE WORMS.
THEY GOT ON IN APPLES.
- SON, WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER
JUST TO TURN HIM LOOSE
IN SOME POOL ROOM?
- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.
- BOY, YOU'RE UP. I
JUST STRUCK OUT.
- DAD'S TRYING TO
HELP YOU. WE ALL ARE.
- I KNOW, GOOD BUDDY,
AND I APPRECIATE IT.
MR. G., YOU'RE LIKE
A REAL HUMAN BEING.
I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.
- OH, THANKS,
MAYNARD. THANKS A LOT.
- YOU WANT ME TO MEET A
CHICK AND SETTLE DOWN.
WELL, I AIN'T READY YET.
IT'S TOUGH TO GET MARRIED
WITHOUT YOU FIND A
CHICK WHO WILL MARRY YOU
AND I DIG CHICKS ABSOLUTELY
ZERO OR EVEN LESS.
- BUT WHY, MAYNARD,
GIRLS AREN'T SO BAD.
- OH, YES THEY ARE, GOOD BUDDY,
GIRLS ARE BAD BECAUSE
THEY WON'T LET YOU BE YOU.
YOU'RE ALL THE TIME
WORRYING DOES SHE LIKE ME?
IS MY HAIR COMBED?
I MEAN, AM I SAYING
THE WRONG THING?
IS MY SNEAKERS POLISHED?
- SURE, MAYNARD,
THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE WITH A BOY AND GIRL.
IT'S EXCITING. IT'S A CHALLENGE.
- IT'S A DRAG.
YOU SEE, DOBE, WITH ME AND
EDDIE EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, EDDIE'S A GIRL, I THINK,
BUT WITH HER I DON'T
HAVE TO BE SCARED.
SHE WON'T GET MAD AT ME
IF I SAY OR DO SOMETHING
WRONG SHE DOESN'T LIKE,
BECAUSE SHE NEVER DOES.
I MEAN, WHEN I'M WITH
EDDIE I CAN JUST BE ME,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
I KNOW THAT AIN'T THE GREATEST
THING IN THE WORLD TO BE
AND I SUPPOSE A LOT
OF PEOPLE HATE BEING IT,
BUT THAT'S WHAT I'M STUCK
WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE,
SO I FIGURE I MIGHT AS WELL
BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I GOT.
- SON, I'M SCARED.
- DAD, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM.
- OH, I UNDERSTAND HIM GOOD
AND THAT'S WHY I'M
SCARED HE MIGHT BE RIGHT.
- LOOK, MAYNARD, THERE'S A
LOT IN LIFE FOR A FELLA AND A GIRL
BESIDES WATCHING COAL
CARS AND GREASE RACKS
AND CLIMBING FENCES.
- I KNOW THAT.
- GOOD.
- YOU LEFT OUT KNOCKING
DOWN THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, THAT'S
NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL.
I MEAN, ORDINARY THINGS FELLOWS
AND GIRLS YOUR AGE USUALLY DO.
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE, HERE'S TWO TICKETS TO
THE SOPHOMORE SPRING DANCE
FRIDAY NIGHT, ALL PAID FOR.
I WANT YOU TO BE THERE.
- AH, DOBE.
- LOOK, MAYNARD, I'M DOING
THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
I'M YOUR FRIEND,
YOUR BEST FRIEND.
I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU
GOING THROUGH LIFE
WITH EVERYBODY MAKING FUN OF YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN
ODDBALL, AN ECCENTRIC.
SURE, IT'S GREAT TO BE
INDEPENDENT AND DO AS YOU PLEASE
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
TERRIBLY HURT AND UNHAPPY
IF YOU DON'T MAKE UP YOUR
MIND THAT ONCE IN A WHILE,
EVEN IF ONLY IN LITTLE
THINGS, YOU HAVE TO CONFORM.
- I WAS CONFORMED WHEN I WAS
14-YEARS-OLD, AIN'T THAT ENOUGH?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S CONFIRMED
AND IF YOU DON'T TAKE THESE TICKETS
AND MAKE A REAL EFFORT
TO GET TO THAT DANCE,
THEN I WILL ASSUME
THAT YOU PLACE NO VALUE
ON MY ADVICE AS A FRIEND.
- OH, NO, DOBE
YOU ARE MY FRIEND,
MY TRUEST, BLUEST FRIEND.
I MEAN, I WOULD STICK
MY ARM INTO THE FIRE
UP TO HERE FOR YOU,
I'D JUMP OFF THE
TALLEST BUILDING FOR YOU.
I WOULD SWIM ACROSS
MILFORD POND FOR YOU.
- I KNOW ALL THAT, MAYNARD.
JUST TAKE THE TICKETS.
- OKAY, DOBE.
BUT AT A DANCE, AIN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO BRING A GIRL?
- RIGHT.
- THEN I CAN'T GO BECAUSE
I DON'T KNOW ANY GIRLS.
- WHAT ABOUT EDDIE?
- NO, I DON'T THINK SHE
KNOWS ANY GIRLS, EITHER.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
EDDIE IS A GIRL.
YOU COULD TAKE HER TO THE DANCE.
- OH, YEAH, GOOD BUDDY. I
MEAN, YOU SURE GOT IT UP HERE.
I'M SURE GLAD THE RUSSIANS
AIN'T GOT YOUR BRAIN.
- FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS I
DIDN'T SEE MUCH OF MAYNARD.
HE AND EDDIE WERE CAUGHT
UP IN A MAD, GAY SOCIAL WORLD.
- CATCHING FISH WITH
A SOUR PICKLE, OH, BOY!
- SURE, WHO NEEDS ALL THAT
FANCY BAIT AND HOOKS AND POLES
AS LONG AS YOU GOT A BENT
PEN AND PICKLE AND RESULTS.
- HEY, IF WE CATCH ANY MORE
FISH LET'S EAT IT TOMORROW, HUH?
TONIGHT I GOT TO HAVE
DINNER WITH MY FAMILY.
THEY'RE BUGGING ME ON
ACCOUNT OF I'M AWAY ALL THE TIME.
- YOUR FAMILY?
OH, YEAH, THEM CATS
THAT TRIED TO STICK YOU
WITH THAT CRUMMY NAME.
- DO YOU THINK THAT WAS BAD?
MY SISTER THEY NAMED,
YOU READY FOR THIS?
CLARISSA.
- OH, MAN, THAT IS THE LOWEST.
- CLARISSA. SHE LIKES IT.
- LIKE, NO.
- WELL, SHE'S THE TYPE.
- A GIRL, HUH?
- THE GIRLIEST.
WHAT I MEAN, SHE WORKS AT IT,
LIPSTICK, PERFUME THE WORKS.
- SICK, HUH?
- SHE DON'T THINK SO,
NEITHER DO MY FOLKS.
THEY KEEP TRYING TO GET
ME TO ACT THE SAME WAY.
- OH, THEY'RE SICK.
- MY FATHER'S ALL
THE TIME TELLING ME,
"EDWINA, YOU'RE NOT AS
PRETTY AS YOUR SISTER
BUT IF YOU GOT ALL GUSSIED
UP YOU'D MAYBE LOOK LIKE, OKAY."
- YOU AIN'T GONNA
DO IT, ARE YOU?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
WHY WOULD I WANNA LOOK LIKE HER?
I COULDN'T DO IT ANYHOW.
SHE'S GOOD LOOKING, I
GUESS IF YOU LIKE THE TYPE,
BUT WHY WOULD I EVEN WANNA TRY?
- LIKE, RIGHT. EDDIE,
YOU'RE ACES IN MY BOOK.
- I'LL CUT OUT AND MEET
YOU SOON AS DINNER'S OVER.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO LATER ON?
- OH, GET THIS.
THERE'S THREE CATTLE BOATS
COMING RIGHT DOWN THIS
RIVER FROM CLEVELAND
AND THEY'RE GONNA
RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE
AND LET THEM THROUGH.
- GLORIOSKY, I NEVER SAW
THEM RAISE A DRAWBRIDGE.
- KID, YOU GOT A BIG
NIGHT AHEAD OF YOU.
- I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO UNTIL 11:00?
- WELL, I FIGURE
WE'LL GO DOWNTOWN
AND WATCH THEM PUT UP
TENT POLES FOR THE CIRCUS.
- HEY, YEAH! A CIRCUS.
- YEAH, BUT THE
TRACKS GOT WASHED OUT
AND THEY WON'T BE
HERE TILL TOMORROW.
- THE CAR WASH
AIN'T OPEN AT NIGHT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW. THINGS
ARE KIND OF SLOW IN TOWN.
HEY, HEY, MAYBE WE CAN GO TO
THE SOPHOMORE SPRING DANCE.
DOBE GAVE ME THESE TICKETS.
- BOY, WOULDN'T
THAT BE THE WILDEST?
JOKERS IN TIES AND DRESSES
FLAPPING AROUND LIKE
A GANG OF PENGUINS.
I'D LAUGH MYSELF
INTO A STOMACH ACHE
JUST LOOKING AT THEM.
- YEAH, ME, TOO.
HEY, LET'S DO IT.
LET'S, LIKE, GO OVER THERE AND
GET US A BUNCH OF FREE YOCKS.
- LIKE, WOW, IT'LL BE JUST LIKE
LOOKING AT THE
ANIMALS IN THE ZOO.
- HI, COME ON, LET'S GO.
- OH, NO OFFENSE, MISS,
BUT WE AIN'T BEEN
PROPERLY INTRODUCED...
- EDDIE, IT'S YOU.
- WHAT DID YOU EXPECT,
GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA.
NOW, COME ON.
- HEY, EDDIE, EDDIE, YOU
SURE DO LOOK DIFFERENT.
- OH, MY DUMB SISTER MADE
ME PUT ON ONE OF HER DRESSES
AND MY MOM GOT TO
MESSING AROUND WITH MY HAIR.
BROTHER, YOU NEVER SAW SUCH
CARRYING ON AND EXCITEMENT
IN A HOUSE IN YOUR LIFE
AS WHEN THEY HEARD I
WAS GOING OUT WITH A BOY.
- THEY MUST HAVE SPILLED
SOMETHING ON YOU, TOO.
- PERFUME I THINK THEY CALL IT.
RUGGED, HUH?
- AIN'T SMELLED NOTHING LIKE
THAT SINCE MY UNCLE NED'S MULE
KICKED OVER THE PAINT
CANS IN THE TOOLSHED.
- LET'S GET A MOVE ON.
IF WE SHOW UP EARLY
MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY
AND SEE SOMEBODY
FALL IN THE PUNCH BOWL.
- YEAH, OH, YEAH.
- AH, STEPHANIE, MY
TWINKLE-TOED BUTTERFLY
YOU DANCE LIKE A DREAM.
- SO DO YOU, DOBIE.
- TRULY?
- TRULY.
- OH, YOU DON'T
MEAN THAT, DO YOU?
- NO.
- MY LITTLE MINX HAS
A SENSE OF HUMOR.
- THIS IS A DANCE.
I ALWAYS WONDERED
WHAT THEY WERE LIKE,
BIG CHUNK OF NOTHING, HUH?
- LIKE DRAGSVILLE, YEAH.
- HEY, MAYNARD, DIG THE
HAIRDO ON THAT CHICK.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY
SCRAMBLED AN EGG ON HER HEAD
AND FORGOT TO TAKE
OUT THE FEATHERS.
- YEAH, I AIN'T NEVER SEEN
SO MANY DRESSED UP CATS
IN ONE PLACE EXCEPT IN
CALLAHAN'S FUNERAL PARLOR.
- HI, MAYNARD, EDDIE.
I'M SURE GLAD YOU
DECIDED TO SHOW UP.
- EDDIE, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- OH, CAN THE CHATTER.
WHERE'S THE FOOD?
- YEAH, WE ARE
INTERESTED IN PARTAKING
IN A BIT OF YEA
OLD REFRESHMENTS,
HOW ABOUT THAT FOR
HIGHFALUTIN TALK, HUH?
- MAYNARD, YOU ARE A DOOZER.
- YOU TWO WAIT HERE. WE'LL
GO BRING YOU SOME FOOD.
- ON THE DOUBLE, HUH,
I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN
PUT UP WITH THESE OBLONGS.
JUST LOOK AT THEM.
MY DEAR, YOU ARE LOVELY IN
YOUR BEAUTIFUL NEW PARIS GOWN,
A PITY YOU DON'T
HAVE A FACE TO MATCH.
- AND YOU ARE SO
HANDSOME, MY SWEET,
IN YOUR WASH-N-WEAR TUXEDO.
MAN, THIS IS NOWHERE.
- THE LOWEST.
- GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME IS WALTER FUNK.
MAY I HAVE THE
HONOR OF THIS DANCE?
- OKAY, WALTER.
- NOT YOU, MAYNARD! HER.
- HER? HER WHO?
- I THINK HE MEANS HER, YOU.
- CORRECT.
MISS?
MAY I HAVE THE
HONOR OF THIS DANCE?
- HEY, MAYNARD, YELL QUICK
FOR THE MEN IN THE WHITE COATS.
THIS CREEP HAS
SLIPPED HIS TROLLEY.
GET LOST, CASPER.
- GLADLY.
BOY, WHAT A COUPLE OF KOOKS.
- OH, I THINK WE HURT
WALTER'S FEELINGS.
HEY, WATER, WE DIDN'T
MEAN NO OFFENSE, HONEST.
- OKAY, OKAY, LET GO.
- AND IF IT'LL MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER
I'LL DANCE WITH YOU, WALTER.
- FORGET ABOUT IT MAYNARD.
- EDDIE, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE
MADE HIM FEEL SO MISERABLE.
YOU BETTER DANCE WITH
HIM TO PROVE WE'RE SORRY.
- DANCE WITH HIM? AH, COME ON.
- IF YOU DON'T,
HE'S LIABLE TO CRY
AND YOU DON'T WANNA SEE HIM
FOG UP HIS GLASSES, DO YOU?
- NO, BUT DANCE? OH, COME ON.
- LOOK, I DON'T WANNA
DANCE EITHER. NOW LET GO.
- LOOK, WALTER, IT DON'T PAY
TO BE BASHFUL NOW GO AHEAD.
EDDIE'S A GREAT AMERICAN
AND ONE HECK OF A SWELL SPORT.
- AW, MAYNARD, I DON'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- THE FLOORS CROWDED, JUST LEAN.
- OKAY, IF I HAVE TO.
NOT EXACTLY MY IDEA OF HEAVEN
BUT QUE SERA SERA.
- OH, MAYNARD HERE
YOU ARE. WHERE'S EDDIE?
- OH, SHE'S OUT THERE DANCING
WITH A FELLOW NAMED WALTER FUNK.
- WHAT?
- WHAT? OH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- NO IT AIN'T, THERE'S
PROBABLY A LOT OF FELLOWS
NAMED WALTER FUNK.
- YEAH, THERE SHE IS, DANCING.
- IF YOU CAN CALL IT DANCING.
OUCH, POOR WALTER FUNK.
- OH, SHE KICKED HIM
IN THE SHINS, HUH?
EDDIE'S THE BEST SHIN
KICKER ON THE WHOLE BLOCK.
- SO SORRY, OLD CRUMPET.
- YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE.
- YOU'RE THE ONE THAT
WANTED TO DANCE, WALDO.
- HEY, WHAT'S THAT PERFUME
YOU'RE WEARING? IT'S NICE.
- JUST SOME GOOK MY SISTER
SLAPPED OVER ME WHEN I...
YOU LIKE IT?
- YEAH, IT'S DIFFERENT. SORT
OF, FITS YOUR PERSONALITY.
- WHAT KIND OF A
DIRTY CRACK IS THAT?
- I MEAN, IT'S FRESH
AND PEPPERY...
- WATCH THAT TALK,
SYDNEY, BEFORE I...
FRESH, PEPPERY, ME?
- SURE.
- SURE, YOU'RE A FIERY LITTLE
TOMATO FULL OF STORMS.
- STORM, ME? PASSION, ME?
- LOOK, I KNOW YOUR KIND,
HARD-SHELLED AND TOUGH
ON THE OUTSIDE MAYBE,
BUT INSIDE... ALL WOMAN.
- WALTER?
- YES, MY TIGER?
- THAT DANCE THEY'RE ALL
DOING, WOULD YOU TEACH IT TO ME?
- WOULD I.
- THANK YOU, WALTER.
- NOW, FIRST OF ALL...
HEY, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW YOUR NAME.
- IT'S EDWINA.
YOU MAY CALL ME EDWINA.
- EDWINA. OH, THAT'S
A BEAUTIFUL NAME,
JUST BEAUTIFUL AND
PERFECT FOR YOU.
- YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
RATHER FOND OF IT MYSELF.
TIGER, EH?
- HELLO, MAY I CUT IN?
- NOW JUST A MINUTE, JERRY I...
- THANKS WALTER, I KNEW
YOU'D BE GLAD TO COOPERATE.
HELLO, BABY, WHERE
HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
- ME?
- DID ANYONE EVER
TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE A...
- FASCINATING, ME?
FIRE AND ICE, ME?
- YOU BET, DOLL, I'VE
HAD MY EYE ON YOU
EVER SINCE YOU
WALKED IN THAT DOOR.
- OH, JERRY, YOU SAY
THE CUTEST THINGS.
- MIND IF I CUT IN?
- NOW, WAIT A
MINUTE, WALTER. I...
- THANKS, PAL, I KNEW YOU'D
BE GLAD TO COOPERATE.
THREE'S A CROWD, YOU KNOW.
- PRIMITIVE BUNDLE OF FEROCIOUS,
HOT BLOODED ANIMAL, ME?
- AND THEN SOME. EDWINA,
MY ANGEL, YOU ARE WOMAN.
- OH, WALTER, YOU
SAY THE CUTEST THINGS.
- MIND IF I CUT IN?
- NOW, HOLD IT, FRIEND,
HOLD IT. I SAW HER FIRST.
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
THE INDIANS SAW
PLYMOUTH ROCK FIRST.
- YOU'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
- NOW, BOYS, PLEASE DON'T
FIGHT OVER POOR LITTLE ME.
WHY DON'T WE ALL
TAKE TURNS, HMM?
- WELL...
- IT'S THE ONLY
WAY. NOW I INSIST.
OR ELSE I'LL FIND SOME
OTHER BOYS TO DANCE WITH.
- OKAY, OKAY, WE'LL TAKE TURNS.
- GREAT, THAT'S THE WAY.
- I KNEW YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.
- EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MO.
JERRY, YOU'RE FIRST.
- AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING
THE POODLE KEPT LOOKING AROUND
FOR SOMEBODY NAMED MALCOLM.
- OH, EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
- EDDIE, IT'S, LIKE, LATE.
- OH, MAYNARD, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO
KEEP YOU WAITING.
- YEAH, WE GOT TO CUT OUT QUICK
OR WE'RE GOING TO MISS SEEING
THAT DRAWBRIDGE GOING UP.
- DRAWBRIDGE?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEM CATTLE
BOATS COMING IN FROM CLEVELAND.
- YES.
- LIKE, QUICK.
- MAYNARD, I DON'T WANNA WATCH
THEM RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE.
- NOT WATCH THEM
RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE?
NO CATTLE BOATS FROM CLEVELAND?
EDDIE, YOU AIN'T WELL,
I MEAN, YOU NEED HELP.
- LOOK, MAYNARD, THE
KIDS ARE ALL GOING OVER
TO THE PEABODY ROOF.
THEY GOT A GREAT MAMBO BAND
AND I SAID THAT WE'D GO WITH THEM.
- US AT THE PEABODY ROOF?
OH, NO, CAPITAL
N-O-E, UH-UH, NEGATIVE.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY.
IT'S CLARA RONK'S BIRTHDAY AND
HER FATHER'S TREATING EVERYBODY.
YOU'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.
NOW WAIT HERE. I'LL TELL THE
KIDS YOU'RE COMING WITH US.
MAYNARD... MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
DOBIE, HAVE YOU SEEN MAYNARD?
- NO, NO, I LEFT HIM RIGHT HERE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH HIM.
- WELL, I WAS. I MEAN...
- DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE WENT?
- I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.
OH, MY POOR MAYNARD.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- HEY, YOU DOWN THERE
IN THE CATTLE BOATS.
LIKE, HI, HELLO THERE, MR. COW,
HELLO THERE, MRS. COW.
AND YOU CAME ALL THE
WAY FROM CLEVELAND, HUH?
WELL, WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU,
LIKE, A REAL FRIENDLY WELCOME
BY RAISING UP THE DRAWBRIDGE.
WE'RE, LIKE, REAL
HOSPITABLE PEOPLE HERE.
LIKE, HOW MRS. COW, LIKE, HI...
- HI, MAYNARD!
HI.
- LIKE, HI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I'M JUST WAITING FOR THEM
TO RAISE UP THE DRAWBRIDGE.
YOU WANNA STAY AND WATCH?
- NO THANKS, BUT I
HOPE YOU HAVE FUN.
- LIKE, THANKS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M ON MY WAY TO
THE PEABODY ROOF.
DO YOU WANNA COME ALONG?
- NO THANKS, BUT I
HOPE YOU HAVE FUN.
- THANKS. MAYNARD,
YOU REAL MAD AT ME?
- NAH.
- YOU SURE?
- SURE, I'M SURE.
WELL, NOT REAL MAD
JUST MIDDLE IN MAD.
YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF
YOU'RE A DOUBLE-CROSSER.
- NO, MAYNARD, I DIDN'T
DOUBLE-CROSS YOU.
- SURE YOU DID, YOU
TURNED OUT TO BE A GIRL.
- I WAS ALWAYS A GIRL.
- NO YOU WASN'T.
GIRLS DON'T DIG DIPPING
SHEEP AND CIRCUS TENTS
AND THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
- I MEAN, INSIDE OF ME
I WAS ALWAYS A GIRL.
TILL TONIGHT,
I GUESS I WAS TRYING TO
KEEP IT FROM MYSELF, TOO.
- YEAH, AND THEN YOU WENT
AND SPOILED EVERYTHING.
- I FOUND OUT I LIKE HAVING
BOYS SAY NICE THINGS TO ME
JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS.
I FOUND OUT YOU
CAN SHIMMY UP TREES
AND PLAY HANDBALL
WITH THE LONGSHOREMEN
FOR JUST SO LONG.
AND THEN YOU'D BETTER
STOP BEING JUST A PERSON
AND START BEING A GIRL.
IT HAPPENS TO ALL
OF US, MAYNARD.
IT'LL HAPPEN TO YOU, TOO.
- I'LL START BEING A GIRL?
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- YEAH, I KNOW,
I'LL BECOME A DUDE AND I'LL
START WEARING FANCY CLOTHES
AND SAYING NICE THINGS TO
CHICKS EVEN IF I DON'T MEAN THEM
AND I'LL MISS DIPPING SHEEP
IN THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING
BUT MAYBE SOME
CHICK WON'T LIKE IT.
OH, NO, NOT ME.
I'M STAYING ME,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- AND YOU SHOULD.
MAYNARD G. KREBS IS A
FINE WORTHWHILE PERSON
BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL BE
MAYNARD G. KREBS THE MAN.
IT'LL HAPPEN. YOU'LL SEE.
- NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT IT WON'T.
- I BETTER GO NOW.
SURE YOU DON'T WANNA COME ALONG?
THE KID'S ALL BE
GLAD TO SEE YOU.
- THE PEABODY ROOF? ME?
LIKE, HUH.
- THANKS, MAYNARD,
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
EVERY MINUTE I'VE KNOWN YOU IS
A MINUTE I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER.
BYE, MAYNARD.
- BYE, EDWINA.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
MAYNARD, WHAT'S WRONG?
- OH, THAT CHICK EDDIE, SHE
DID AN AWFUL THING TO ME.
- LOOK, MAYNARD,
THAT'S AN EXPERIENCE
WE ALL HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
DURING YOUR LIFE, A LOT OF
GIRLS WILL WALK OUT ON YOU
AND DISAPPOINT YOU AND
GIVE YOU A ROUGH TIME.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
- THAT ISN'T THE AWFUL
THING SHE DID TO ME.
- OH, WHAT DID SHE DO?
- SHE KISSED ME.
- NO.
- RIGHT HERE.
OH, DOBE, YOU WERE RIGHT.
THEM CHICKS ARE ALL ALIKE.
YOU GOTTA WATCH
THEM LIKE A HAWK.
- YEAH, MAYNARD, SURE.
- HEY, LOOK, DOBE, OH, THE
BRIDGE IS ON ITS WAY UP.
OH, MAN.
YEP, IT'S RIGHT ON TIME, DOBE.
OH, ISN'T THAT THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL SIGHT YOU EVER SEEN
IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
OH, LIKE, WOW.
LOOK, DOBE, THERE GOES
THE CATTLE BOAT, LOOK.
GOODBYE MR. COW,
GOODBYE MRS. COW,
GOODBYE BABY COW.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
- HOW DO I LOOK,
DOBE? SPIFFY, HUH?
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THERE'S SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.
- LIKE TRUE. IT'S THIS
HAND PAINTED TIE.
THE SALESMAN SAID IT'LL
GO WITH ANYTHING I EAT.
- YEAH, THAT MUST BE IT.
MAYNARD, I KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
- YEAH, TO SEE
EDWINA. I MEAN, EDDIE.
- YEAH, MAYNARD, LISTEN.
- DOBE, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, GOING OUT TO FANCY
PLACES AND DANCING LIKE THAT.
SO I BOUGHT THIS BOX OF CANDY
AND I PICKED THIS WHOLE
BUNCH OF FLOWERS
AND ME AND EDDIE ARE GOING
TO BE LIKE ROMEO AND JULIUS.
- HEY, MAYNARD,
LOOK. PAY ATTENTION.
I DON'T QUITE KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU THIS
BUT EDDIE IS GOING
STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK.
- GEE, THAT'S NICE.
YOU KNOW, DOBE, IT'S ABOUT
TIME I STARTED HACKING...
GOING STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK?
- I'M SORRY I HAD TO BE THE
ONE TO TELL YOU, MAYNARD,
BUT DON'T LET IT GET YOU DOWN.
IN TIME YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
- GOING STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK?
- TRY TO LOOK ON
THE BRIGHTER SIDE.
- GOING STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK?
- TRY NOT TO BE BITTER.
REMEMBER, EVERY
CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.
- YEAH, THAT'S TRUE,
DOBE, IT'S TRUE.
- YEAH.
- I MEAN, IF EDDIE'S GOING
STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK,
THEN I GOT THIS
WHOLE BOX OF CANDY.
- YEAH.
HAD IT WITH YOU.
YOU PROMISED ME AN
EIGHT COURSE STEAK DINNER
AT THE GOLDEN LOBSTER
AND NOW YOU SWITCH IT TO
HAMBURGERS AT THE BEACH.
- PLEASE, FORGIVE ME,
STEPHANIE, MY SWEET.
I JUST COULDN'T HELP IT.
SOMETHING HAPPENED
THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE...
IMPOSSIBLE, RIDICULOUS,
UNBELIEVABLE, FREAKS OF NATURE.
- YOU RANG?
- OH, HI, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, HI, DOBE,
LIKE, HI, GIRL,
LIKE, THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO
HACK AROUND WITH YOU TONIGHT.
YOU'RE ALL HEART
FROM FOOT TO TOE.
- DOBIE, YOUR SUDDEN
CHANGE IN PLANS,
DO I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE
MAYNARD TO THANK FOR THAT?
- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BOTHER THANKING ME.
IT WAS, LIKE, A PLEASURE.
- YEAH, I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE
HEART TO LEAVE HIM BY HIMSELF.
HE GETS LONESOME.
- DOBIE, THREE ON A
DATE IS RIDICULOUS.
- LIKE, RIGHT, SO IF YOU WANNA
GO HOME, IT'S OKAY WITH US.
- YEAH. MAYNARD.
- WAIT A MINUTE. I
JUST HAD A GOOD IDEA.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF IT BEFORE.
WE'LL FIND A GIRL TO BE
MAYNARD'S DATE AND...
OH, I JUST REALIZED WHY I
DIDN'T THINK OF IT BEFORE.
- GOOD THINKING. I WOULDN'T
BE CAUGHT ALIVE WITH A CHICK.
THEY SCARE ME SOMETHING
FIERCE NOT TO MENTION VICE VERSA.
COME ON, DOBIE,
LET'S GO DOWNTOWN
AND WATCH THEM KNOCK DOWN
THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
THEY GOT A BIG CRANE
WITH A BIG IRON BALL.
- MAYNARD, LOOK, MAYNARD.
- STEPHANIE, I'M SORRY.
THIS WHOLE THING WAS
JUST ONE OF THOSE...
IMPOSSIBLE, RIDICULOUS,
UNBELIEVABLE, FREAKS OF NATURE.
- YOU RANG?
- HEY, YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE'S
THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING?
I HEAR THEY'RE KNOCKING IT DOWN
WITH ONE OF THEM BIG
IRON BALLS ON A CHAIN
AND I AIN'T GONNA MISS THAT.
IT GOES...
- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU DIG
KNOCKING DOWN OLD BUILDINGS?
- MAN, IT'S A GAS. I
WATCH IT ALL THE TIME.
OVER NEAR WHERE I LIVE THEY
HAVE THIS OLD WAREHOUSE, SEE.
- NO, NO, NO, IT DON'T GO
LIKE... IT GOES LIKE THIS.
[JAZZ THEME]
- NAME THE MOST EXCITING
DAY IN A FELLA'S LIFE,
THE DAY HE PUTS ON HIS
FIRST PAIR OF LONG PANTS,
THE DAY HE HITS
HIS FIRST HOME RUN,
SURE, THOSE ARE EXCITING DAYS
BUT THEY DON'T COME
ANYWHERE NEAR THE DAY
HE MEETS THE ONLY GIRL.
IT'S A ONCE IN A
LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I KNOW, IT'S HAPPENED
TO ME MANY TIMES.
AND NOW IT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS
FINALLY HAPPENING TO MAYNARD.
HE WOULD SOON BE
HEARING FOR THE FIRST TIME
THE SWEET, TENDER, WOMANLY
WORDS THAT EVERY MAN LONGS TO HEAR.
- WHAT ELSE I LIKE TO DO
IS CLIMB OVER THE
FENCE IN THE STOCKYARDS
AND WATCH THEM DIP SHEEP.
BROTHER, THAT'S LIVING.
- OH, YEAH, I COULD
WATCH THEM DO THAT
EIGHT, NINE, TEN DAYS A
WEEK AND SOMETIMES I DO.
- YOU KNOW WHAT
ELSE I LIKE TO DO?
- NO, CLUE ME.
- GO OVER TO THE
RAILROAD STATION
AND STAND AROUND WHEN THE
COAL CARS IS GETTING LOADED UP.
THAT'S THE MADDEST.
- OH, YEAH, GENUINE JOYSVILLE.
- DOBIE, WHAT ARE
THEY TALKING ABOUT?
- I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A
WORD. IT MUST BE LOVE.
- WHAT ELSE I LIKE TO DO
IS WATCH THEM RUN CARS
UP A GREASE RACK.
PUSH ONE LITTLE BUTTON AND...
[WHISTLES] UP SHE GOES!
- OH, YEAH, CRAZY, I COULD WATCH
THEM DO THAT 10, 12 DAYS A WEEK.
- ME, TOO.
ONLY THEY DON'T LIKE GIRLS
HANGING AROUND GARAGES.
- OH, WELL, WHAT'S
THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
- I'M, LIKE, A GIRL.
- OH, YEAH, YOU ARE, KIND
OF, LIKE A GIRL, BUT NOT MUCH.
- ARE YOU MAD 'CAUSE I'M A GIRL?
- NO, BECAUSE YOU
AIN'T REALLY A GIRL.
I MEAN, WHO DIGS DIPPING SHEEP
AND KNOCKING OUT OLD BUILDINGS,
THAT AIN'T LIKE A GIRL.
THAT'S LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
- ATTABOY! THAT'S
USING THE OLD BEAN.
MY NAME'S EDDIE KEGEL.
PLEASED TO MEET
YOU, YOUR BEARDSHIP.
- LIKE, LIKEWISE.
MY NAME IS MAYNARD G.
KREBS, YOUR FRIENDSHIP.
- WHAT'S THE G STAND FOR?
- WALTER.
- GOOD NAME.
- I WAS MIDDLE
NAMED AFTER MY AUNT.
- MINE USED TO BE EDWINA.
THAT'S WHAT MY FOLKS NAMED ME
BUT I SURE CHANGED
THAT IN A HURRY.
I MEAN, LIKE, WHO
NEEDS THAT NOISE?
- HEY, WE BETTER CUT OUT QUICK.
WE'RE GONNA MISS KNOCKING
DOWN THE ENDICOTT BUILDING.
THE WAY THAT OLD BALL'S
BEEN SWINGING ALL DAY
THERE'S GOING TO BE HARDLY
ANY BUILDING LEFT TO KNOCK DOWN.
- HEY, MAYNARD, I'VE
GOT A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S MAKE THIS A DOUBLE DATE.
- WHO'S THIS TYKE?
- I'M MAYNARD'S BEST
FRIEND, DOBIE GILLIS
AND THIS IS STEPHANIE
TROWBRIDGE.
- HI, THERE.
- HI, HI, COME ON,
MAYNARD, LET'S CUT OUT.
- DOBIE, THAT WAS A
WONDERFUL SUGGESTION.
WHY DON'T THE FOUR OF US ALL
GO DANCING AT THE PEABODY ROOM.
- YEAH.
- DANCING?
- DANCING?
- ME?
- HER?
- OH, COME NOW!
- OH, COME NOW!
- STEPHANIE, I'M WORRIED.
- WHY, DOBIE?
YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU WANTED
MAYNARD TO FIND A SOUL MATE.
- TRUE BUT SOMEHOW I, KIND
OF, HOPED IT WOULD BE A GIRL.
I DID.
- OKAY, SON, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
- WELL, DAD, MAYNARD'S KNOWN
THIS GIRL FOR NEARLY A WEEK NOW
AND ALL THEY EVER DO IS STAND
AROUND WATCHING SHEEP DIPS
AND SEWER EXCAVATIONS
AND LIKE THAT.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
YOU SHOULD DO MORE OF IT.
IT'S NICE, HEALTHFUL,
OUTDOOR ENTERTAINMENT.
IT DON'T COST NOTHING. IT
KEEPS YOU OFF THE STREETS.
AND ARE YOU SAYING
WHAT I THINK YOU'RE SAYING?
- I'M AFRAID SO, DAD.
- NO HOLDING
HANDS IN THE MOVIES,
NO MOONLIGHT
STROLLS IN THE PARK,
NO ROMANTIC SOIREE?
- NOT A SOIR.
IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS
BUT I HONESTLY BELIEVE
MAYNARD THINKS OF THIS GIRL
AS SORT OF A SHORT,
PONYTAILED BOY.
- NO, MY SON, AND TO THINK I
BALL YOU OUT JUST BECAUSE
YOU'RE A COUPLE OF YEARS
OVERDRAWN ON YOUR ALLOWANCE.
FORGIVE ME, BOY.
- SURE, DAD, SURE.
THEN YOU WILL TALK
TO MAYNARD, PLEASE?
- WELL, IT'S A CINCH SOMEBODY'S
GOT TO TALK TO HIM, BUT WHY ME?
WHY NOT HIS OWN FATHER?
- YEAH, THAT DOESN'T WORK.
EVERY TIME HE HAS TO TALK
TO MAYNARD FACE-TO-FACE,
HE STARTS TO CRY.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN
A GROWN MAN CRY?
IT'S SPOOKY. BUT WHERE WERE WE?
- YOU WERE GONNA
TALK TO MAYNARD.
- OH, YES, WELL, IF YOU WANT
ME TO TALK TO HIM, I WILL.
AFTER ALL, THE BOY
IS BASICALLY OKAY.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH HIM THAT CAN'T BE FIXED.
- BYE A BLAST OF DYNAMITE.
- HEY, DOBE, GUESS WHAT?
ME AND EDDIE GONNA
HELP LOAD THEM COAL CARS.
- EDDIE?
- DAD, IT'S SHORT FOR EDWINA.
- OHH, THAT IT IS.
- MAN, WE SURE BEEN
HAVING KICKS TOGETHER.
I MEAN, SKIPPING
STONES ALONG THE RIVER
AND SHIMMYING UP TREES
AND CLIMBING OVER FENCES.
- SON, IS IT TOO LATE
FOR ME TO CHICKEN OUT?
- DAD, IF YOU WALK OUT NOW,
MAYNARD'S WHOLE LIFE MIGHT
GO RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.
- YOU PRESENT A
POWERFUL TEMPTATION.
- DAD, YOU'VE GOT
TO HELP MAYNARD.
- YOU MAYNARD, YES, YOU MAYNARD.
MAYNARD, YOU AND ME ARE
GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK, SEE?
AND MAYBE WE CAN
LEARN SOMETHING, HUH?
- SURE, WHAT DO
YOU WANT OT LEARN?
- MAYNARD.
- PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR.
- NOW, LISTEN, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU LIKE YOUR FATHER.
- OKAY, YOU BETTER START CRYING.
- MAYNARD.
- HE ALWAYS CRIES
WHEN HE TALKS TO ME.
- MAYNARD...
MAYNARD, I WANT YOU TO TELL
ME HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS EDDIE
REALLY FEEL ABOUT HER?
- BEST HANDBALL
PLAYER I EVER MET.
- SON, I JUST HAPPENED TO
REMEMBER I VERY IMPORTANT...
- DAD, YOU PROMISED.
- OKAY.
MAYNARD, THERE ARE
TWO SEXES, REMEMBER?
BOYS AND GIRLS.
- YEAH, THERE'S PROBABLY A PLACE
FOR EDDIE IN THERE SOMEWHERE.
- NOW, YOU REMEMBER YOUR
BIBLE STORY ABOUT NOAH'S ARK?
- OH, YEAH, I LIKE NOAH.
HE WAS A FINE, GREAT MAN,
HELPING ALL THEM POOR ANIMALS.
- RIGHT. AND HOW
DID HE HELP THEM?
BY PUTTING THEM IN THE
ARK TWO-BY-TWO IN PAIRS.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- LIKE, TRUE.
AND THE REASON WE HAVE
ALL THESE LITTLE ANIMALS
RUNNING AROUND
TODAY IS BECAUSE NOAH
PUT THEIR ANCESTORS IN
THE ARK IN PAIRS, GET IT?
IN PAIRS.
- EXCEPT THE WORMS.
THEY GOT ON IN APPLES.
- SON, WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER
JUST TO TURN HIM LOOSE
IN SOME POOL ROOM?
- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.
- BOY, YOU'RE UP. I
JUST STRUCK OUT.
- DAD'S TRYING TO
HELP YOU. WE ALL ARE.
- I KNOW, GOOD BUDDY,
AND I APPRECIATE IT.
MR. G., YOU'RE LIKE
A REAL HUMAN BEING.
I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS.
- OH, THANKS,
MAYNARD. THANKS A LOT.
- YOU WANT ME TO MEET A
CHICK AND SETTLE DOWN.
WELL, I AIN'T READY YET.
IT'S TOUGH TO GET MARRIED
WITHOUT YOU FIND A
CHICK WHO WILL MARRY YOU
AND I DIG CHICKS ABSOLUTELY
ZERO OR EVEN LESS.
- BUT WHY, MAYNARD,
GIRLS AREN'T SO BAD.
- OH, YES THEY ARE, GOOD BUDDY,
GIRLS ARE BAD BECAUSE
THEY WON'T LET YOU BE YOU.
YOU'RE ALL THE TIME
WORRYING DOES SHE LIKE ME?
IS MY HAIR COMBED?
I MEAN, AM I SAYING
THE WRONG THING?
IS MY SNEAKERS POLISHED?
- SURE, MAYNARD,
THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE WITH A BOY AND GIRL.
IT'S EXCITING. IT'S A CHALLENGE.
- IT'S A DRAG.
YOU SEE, DOBE, WITH ME AND
EDDIE EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, EDDIE'S A GIRL, I THINK,
BUT WITH HER I DON'T
HAVE TO BE SCARED.
SHE WON'T GET MAD AT ME
IF I SAY OR DO SOMETHING
WRONG SHE DOESN'T LIKE,
BECAUSE SHE NEVER DOES.
I MEAN, WHEN I'M WITH
EDDIE I CAN JUST BE ME,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
I KNOW THAT AIN'T THE GREATEST
THING IN THE WORLD TO BE
AND I SUPPOSE A LOT
OF PEOPLE HATE BEING IT,
BUT THAT'S WHAT I'M STUCK
WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE,
SO I FIGURE I MIGHT AS WELL
BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I GOT.
- SON, I'M SCARED.
- DAD, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM.
- OH, I UNDERSTAND HIM GOOD
AND THAT'S WHY I'M
SCARED HE MIGHT BE RIGHT.
- LOOK, MAYNARD, THERE'S A
LOT IN LIFE FOR A FELLA AND A GIRL
BESIDES WATCHING COAL
CARS AND GREASE RACKS
AND CLIMBING FENCES.
- I KNOW THAT.
- GOOD.
- YOU LEFT OUT KNOCKING
DOWN THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, THAT'S
NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL.
I MEAN, ORDINARY THINGS FELLOWS
AND GIRLS YOUR AGE USUALLY DO.
- LIKE WHAT?
- LIKE, HERE'S TWO TICKETS TO
THE SOPHOMORE SPRING DANCE
FRIDAY NIGHT, ALL PAID FOR.
I WANT YOU TO BE THERE.
- AH, DOBE.
- LOOK, MAYNARD, I'M DOING
THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
I'M YOUR FRIEND,
YOUR BEST FRIEND.
I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU
GOING THROUGH LIFE
WITH EVERYBODY MAKING FUN OF YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE AN
ODDBALL, AN ECCENTRIC.
SURE, IT'S GREAT TO BE
INDEPENDENT AND DO AS YOU PLEASE
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
TERRIBLY HURT AND UNHAPPY
IF YOU DON'T MAKE UP YOUR
MIND THAT ONCE IN A WHILE,
EVEN IF ONLY IN LITTLE
THINGS, YOU HAVE TO CONFORM.
- I WAS CONFORMED WHEN I WAS
14-YEARS-OLD, AIN'T THAT ENOUGH?
- MAYNARD, THAT'S CONFIRMED
AND IF YOU DON'T TAKE THESE TICKETS
AND MAKE A REAL EFFORT
TO GET TO THAT DANCE,
THEN I WILL ASSUME
THAT YOU PLACE NO VALUE
ON MY ADVICE AS A FRIEND.
- OH, NO, DOBE
YOU ARE MY FRIEND,
MY TRUEST, BLUEST FRIEND.
I MEAN, I WOULD STICK
MY ARM INTO THE FIRE
UP TO HERE FOR YOU,
I'D JUMP OFF THE
TALLEST BUILDING FOR YOU.
I WOULD SWIM ACROSS
MILFORD POND FOR YOU.
- I KNOW ALL THAT, MAYNARD.
JUST TAKE THE TICKETS.
- OKAY, DOBE.
BUT AT A DANCE, AIN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO BRING A GIRL?
- RIGHT.
- THEN I CAN'T GO BECAUSE
I DON'T KNOW ANY GIRLS.
- WHAT ABOUT EDDIE?
- NO, I DON'T THINK SHE
KNOWS ANY GIRLS, EITHER.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
EDDIE IS A GIRL.
YOU COULD TAKE HER TO THE DANCE.
- OH, YEAH, GOOD BUDDY. I
MEAN, YOU SURE GOT IT UP HERE.
I'M SURE GLAD THE RUSSIANS
AIN'T GOT YOUR BRAIN.
- FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS I
DIDN'T SEE MUCH OF MAYNARD.
HE AND EDDIE WERE CAUGHT
UP IN A MAD, GAY SOCIAL WORLD.
- CATCHING FISH WITH
A SOUR PICKLE, OH, BOY!
- SURE, WHO NEEDS ALL THAT
FANCY BAIT AND HOOKS AND POLES
AS LONG AS YOU GOT A BENT
PEN AND PICKLE AND RESULTS.
- HEY, IF WE CATCH ANY MORE
FISH LET'S EAT IT TOMORROW, HUH?
TONIGHT I GOT TO HAVE
DINNER WITH MY FAMILY.
THEY'RE BUGGING ME ON
ACCOUNT OF I'M AWAY ALL THE TIME.
- YOUR FAMILY?
OH, YEAH, THEM CATS
THAT TRIED TO STICK YOU
WITH THAT CRUMMY NAME.
- DO YOU THINK THAT WAS BAD?
MY SISTER THEY NAMED,
YOU READY FOR THIS?
CLARISSA.
- OH, MAN, THAT IS THE LOWEST.
- CLARISSA. SHE LIKES IT.
- LIKE, NO.
- WELL, SHE'S THE TYPE.
- A GIRL, HUH?
- THE GIRLIEST.
WHAT I MEAN, SHE WORKS AT IT,
LIPSTICK, PERFUME THE WORKS.
- SICK, HUH?
- SHE DON'T THINK SO,
NEITHER DO MY FOLKS.
THEY KEEP TRYING TO GET
ME TO ACT THE SAME WAY.
- OH, THEY'RE SICK.
- MY FATHER'S ALL
THE TIME TELLING ME,
"EDWINA, YOU'RE NOT AS
PRETTY AS YOUR SISTER
BUT IF YOU GOT ALL GUSSIED
UP YOU'D MAYBE LOOK LIKE, OKAY."
- YOU AIN'T GONNA
DO IT, ARE YOU?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
WHY WOULD I WANNA LOOK LIKE HER?
I COULDN'T DO IT ANYHOW.
SHE'S GOOD LOOKING, I
GUESS IF YOU LIKE THE TYPE,
BUT WHY WOULD I EVEN WANNA TRY?
- LIKE, RIGHT. EDDIE,
YOU'RE ACES IN MY BOOK.
- I'LL CUT OUT AND MEET
YOU SOON AS DINNER'S OVER.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO LATER ON?
- OH, GET THIS.
THERE'S THREE CATTLE BOATS
COMING RIGHT DOWN THIS
RIVER FROM CLEVELAND
AND THEY'RE GONNA
RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE
AND LET THEM THROUGH.
- GLORIOSKY, I NEVER SAW
THEM RAISE A DRAWBRIDGE.
- KID, YOU GOT A BIG
NIGHT AHEAD OF YOU.
- I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO UNTIL 11:00?
- WELL, I FIGURE
WE'LL GO DOWNTOWN
AND WATCH THEM PUT UP
TENT POLES FOR THE CIRCUS.
- HEY, YEAH! A CIRCUS.
- YEAH, BUT THE
TRACKS GOT WASHED OUT
AND THEY WON'T BE
HERE TILL TOMORROW.
- THE CAR WASH
AIN'T OPEN AT NIGHT.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- I DON'T KNOW. THINGS
ARE KIND OF SLOW IN TOWN.
HEY, HEY, MAYBE WE CAN GO TO
THE SOPHOMORE SPRING DANCE.
DOBE GAVE ME THESE TICKETS.
- BOY, WOULDN'T
THAT BE THE WILDEST?
JOKERS IN TIES AND DRESSES
FLAPPING AROUND LIKE
A GANG OF PENGUINS.
I'D LAUGH MYSELF
INTO A STOMACH ACHE
JUST LOOKING AT THEM.
- YEAH, ME, TOO.
HEY, LET'S DO IT.
LET'S, LIKE, GO OVER THERE AND
GET US A BUNCH OF FREE YOCKS.
- LIKE, WOW, IT'LL BE JUST LIKE
LOOKING AT THE
ANIMALS IN THE ZOO.
- HI, COME ON, LET'S GO.
- OH, NO OFFENSE, MISS,
BUT WE AIN'T BEEN
PROPERLY INTRODUCED...
- EDDIE, IT'S YOU.
- WHAT DID YOU EXPECT,
GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA.
NOW, COME ON.
- HEY, EDDIE, EDDIE, YOU
SURE DO LOOK DIFFERENT.
- OH, MY DUMB SISTER MADE
ME PUT ON ONE OF HER DRESSES
AND MY MOM GOT TO
MESSING AROUND WITH MY HAIR.
BROTHER, YOU NEVER SAW SUCH
CARRYING ON AND EXCITEMENT
IN A HOUSE IN YOUR LIFE
AS WHEN THEY HEARD I
WAS GOING OUT WITH A BOY.
- THEY MUST HAVE SPILLED
SOMETHING ON YOU, TOO.
- PERFUME I THINK THEY CALL IT.
RUGGED, HUH?
- AIN'T SMELLED NOTHING LIKE
THAT SINCE MY UNCLE NED'S MULE
KICKED OVER THE PAINT
CANS IN THE TOOLSHED.
- LET'S GET A MOVE ON.
IF WE SHOW UP EARLY
MAYBE WE'LL GET LUCKY
AND SEE SOMEBODY
FALL IN THE PUNCH BOWL.
- YEAH, OH, YEAH.
- AH, STEPHANIE, MY
TWINKLE-TOED BUTTERFLY
YOU DANCE LIKE A DREAM.
- SO DO YOU, DOBIE.
- TRULY?
- TRULY.
- OH, YOU DON'T
MEAN THAT, DO YOU?
- NO.
- MY LITTLE MINX HAS
A SENSE OF HUMOR.
- THIS IS A DANCE.
I ALWAYS WONDERED
WHAT THEY WERE LIKE,
BIG CHUNK OF NOTHING, HUH?
- LIKE DRAGSVILLE, YEAH.
- HEY, MAYNARD, DIG THE
HAIRDO ON THAT CHICK.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY
SCRAMBLED AN EGG ON HER HEAD
AND FORGOT TO TAKE
OUT THE FEATHERS.
- YEAH, I AIN'T NEVER SEEN
SO MANY DRESSED UP CATS
IN ONE PLACE EXCEPT IN
CALLAHAN'S FUNERAL PARLOR.
- HI, MAYNARD, EDDIE.
I'M SURE GLAD YOU
DECIDED TO SHOW UP.
- EDDIE, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
- OH, CAN THE CHATTER.
WHERE'S THE FOOD?
- YEAH, WE ARE
INTERESTED IN PARTAKING
IN A BIT OF YEA
OLD REFRESHMENTS,
HOW ABOUT THAT FOR
HIGHFALUTIN TALK, HUH?
- MAYNARD, YOU ARE A DOOZER.
- YOU TWO WAIT HERE. WE'LL
GO BRING YOU SOME FOOD.
- ON THE DOUBLE, HUH,
I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN
PUT UP WITH THESE OBLONGS.
JUST LOOK AT THEM.
MY DEAR, YOU ARE LOVELY IN
YOUR BEAUTIFUL NEW PARIS GOWN,
A PITY YOU DON'T
HAVE A FACE TO MATCH.
- AND YOU ARE SO
HANDSOME, MY SWEET,
IN YOUR WASH-N-WEAR TUXEDO.
MAN, THIS IS NOWHERE.
- THE LOWEST.
- GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME IS WALTER FUNK.
MAY I HAVE THE
HONOR OF THIS DANCE?
- OKAY, WALTER.
- NOT YOU, MAYNARD! HER.
- HER? HER WHO?
- I THINK HE MEANS HER, YOU.
- CORRECT.
MISS?
MAY I HAVE THE
HONOR OF THIS DANCE?
- HEY, MAYNARD, YELL QUICK
FOR THE MEN IN THE WHITE COATS.
THIS CREEP HAS
SLIPPED HIS TROLLEY.
GET LOST, CASPER.
- GLADLY.
BOY, WHAT A COUPLE OF KOOKS.
- OH, I THINK WE HURT
WALTER'S FEELINGS.
HEY, WATER, WE DIDN'T
MEAN NO OFFENSE, HONEST.
- OKAY, OKAY, LET GO.
- AND IF IT'LL MAKE
YOU FEEL BETTER
I'LL DANCE WITH YOU, WALTER.
- FORGET ABOUT IT MAYNARD.
- EDDIE, WE SHOULDN'T HAVE
MADE HIM FEEL SO MISERABLE.
YOU BETTER DANCE WITH
HIM TO PROVE WE'RE SORRY.
- DANCE WITH HIM? AH, COME ON.
- IF YOU DON'T,
HE'S LIABLE TO CRY
AND YOU DON'T WANNA SEE HIM
FOG UP HIS GLASSES, DO YOU?
- NO, BUT DANCE? OH, COME ON.
- LOOK, I DON'T WANNA
DANCE EITHER. NOW LET GO.
- LOOK, WALTER, IT DON'T PAY
TO BE BASHFUL NOW GO AHEAD.
EDDIE'S A GREAT AMERICAN
AND ONE HECK OF A SWELL SPORT.
- AW, MAYNARD, I DON'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- THE FLOORS CROWDED, JUST LEAN.
- OKAY, IF I HAVE TO.
NOT EXACTLY MY IDEA OF HEAVEN
BUT QUE SERA SERA.
- OH, MAYNARD HERE
YOU ARE. WHERE'S EDDIE?
- OH, SHE'S OUT THERE DANCING
WITH A FELLOW NAMED WALTER FUNK.
- WHAT?
- WHAT? OH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
- NO IT AIN'T, THERE'S
PROBABLY A LOT OF FELLOWS
NAMED WALTER FUNK.
- YEAH, THERE SHE IS, DANCING.
- IF YOU CAN CALL IT DANCING.
OUCH, POOR WALTER FUNK.
- OH, SHE KICKED HIM
IN THE SHINS, HUH?
EDDIE'S THE BEST SHIN
KICKER ON THE WHOLE BLOCK.
- SO SORRY, OLD CRUMPET.
- YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE.
- YOU'RE THE ONE THAT
WANTED TO DANCE, WALDO.
- HEY, WHAT'S THAT PERFUME
YOU'RE WEARING? IT'S NICE.
- JUST SOME GOOK MY SISTER
SLAPPED OVER ME WHEN I...
YOU LIKE IT?
- YEAH, IT'S DIFFERENT. SORT
OF, FITS YOUR PERSONALITY.
- WHAT KIND OF A
DIRTY CRACK IS THAT?
- I MEAN, IT'S FRESH
AND PEPPERY...
- WATCH THAT TALK,
SYDNEY, BEFORE I...
FRESH, PEPPERY, ME?
- SURE.
- SURE, YOU'RE A FIERY LITTLE
TOMATO FULL OF STORMS.
- STORM, ME? PASSION, ME?
- LOOK, I KNOW YOUR KIND,
HARD-SHELLED AND TOUGH
ON THE OUTSIDE MAYBE,
BUT INSIDE... ALL WOMAN.
- WALTER?
- YES, MY TIGER?
- THAT DANCE THEY'RE ALL
DOING, WOULD YOU TEACH IT TO ME?
- WOULD I.
- THANK YOU, WALTER.
- NOW, FIRST OF ALL...
HEY, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW YOUR NAME.
- IT'S EDWINA.
YOU MAY CALL ME EDWINA.
- EDWINA. OH, THAT'S
A BEAUTIFUL NAME,
JUST BEAUTIFUL AND
PERFECT FOR YOU.
- YES, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
RATHER FOND OF IT MYSELF.
TIGER, EH?
- HELLO, MAY I CUT IN?
- NOW JUST A MINUTE, JERRY I...
- THANKS WALTER, I KNEW
YOU'D BE GLAD TO COOPERATE.
HELLO, BABY, WHERE
HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
- ME?
- DID ANYONE EVER
TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE A...
- FASCINATING, ME?
FIRE AND ICE, ME?
- YOU BET, DOLL, I'VE
HAD MY EYE ON YOU
EVER SINCE YOU
WALKED IN THAT DOOR.
- OH, JERRY, YOU SAY
THE CUTEST THINGS.
- MIND IF I CUT IN?
- NOW, WAIT A
MINUTE, WALTER. I...
- THANKS, PAL, I KNEW YOU'D
BE GLAD TO COOPERATE.
THREE'S A CROWD, YOU KNOW.
- PRIMITIVE BUNDLE OF FEROCIOUS,
HOT BLOODED ANIMAL, ME?
- AND THEN SOME. EDWINA,
MY ANGEL, YOU ARE WOMAN.
- OH, WALTER, YOU
SAY THE CUTEST THINGS.
- MIND IF I CUT IN?
- NOW, HOLD IT, FRIEND,
HOLD IT. I SAW HER FIRST.
- WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?
THE INDIANS SAW
PLYMOUTH ROCK FIRST.
- YOU'RE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE.
- NOW, BOYS, PLEASE DON'T
FIGHT OVER POOR LITTLE ME.
WHY DON'T WE ALL
TAKE TURNS, HMM?
- WELL...
- IT'S THE ONLY
WAY. NOW I INSIST.
OR ELSE I'LL FIND SOME
OTHER BOYS TO DANCE WITH.
- OKAY, OKAY, WE'LL TAKE TURNS.
- GREAT, THAT'S THE WAY.
- I KNEW YOU'D SEE IT MY WAY.
- EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MO.
JERRY, YOU'RE FIRST.
- AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?
FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING
THE POODLE KEPT LOOKING AROUND
FOR SOMEBODY NAMED MALCOLM.
- OH, EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
- EDDIE, IT'S, LIKE, LATE.
- OH, MAYNARD, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO
KEEP YOU WAITING.
- YEAH, WE GOT TO CUT OUT QUICK
OR WE'RE GOING TO MISS SEEING
THAT DRAWBRIDGE GOING UP.
- DRAWBRIDGE?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEM CATTLE
BOATS COMING IN FROM CLEVELAND.
- YES.
- LIKE, QUICK.
- MAYNARD, I DON'T WANNA WATCH
THEM RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE.
- NOT WATCH THEM
RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE?
NO CATTLE BOATS FROM CLEVELAND?
EDDIE, YOU AIN'T WELL,
I MEAN, YOU NEED HELP.
- LOOK, MAYNARD, THE
KIDS ARE ALL GOING OVER
TO THE PEABODY ROOF.
THEY GOT A GREAT MAMBO BAND
AND I SAID THAT WE'D GO WITH THEM.
- US AT THE PEABODY ROOF?
OH, NO, CAPITAL
N-O-E, UH-UH, NEGATIVE.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MONEY.
IT'S CLARA RONK'S BIRTHDAY AND
HER FATHER'S TREATING EVERYBODY.
YOU'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.
NOW WAIT HERE. I'LL TELL THE
KIDS YOU'RE COMING WITH US.
MAYNARD... MAYNARD? MAYNARD?
DOBIE, HAVE YOU SEEN MAYNARD?
- NO, NO, I LEFT HIM RIGHT HERE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WITH HIM.
- WELL, I WAS. I MEAN...
- DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE WENT?
- I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.
OH, MY POOR MAYNARD.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- HEY, YOU DOWN THERE
IN THE CATTLE BOATS.
LIKE, HI, HELLO THERE, MR. COW,
HELLO THERE, MRS. COW.
AND YOU CAME ALL THE
WAY FROM CLEVELAND, HUH?
WELL, WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU,
LIKE, A REAL FRIENDLY WELCOME
BY RAISING UP THE DRAWBRIDGE.
WE'RE, LIKE, REAL
HOSPITABLE PEOPLE HERE.
LIKE, HOW MRS. COW, LIKE, HI...
- HI, MAYNARD!
HI.
- LIKE, HI.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, I'M JUST WAITING FOR THEM
TO RAISE UP THE DRAWBRIDGE.
YOU WANNA STAY AND WATCH?
- NO THANKS, BUT I
HOPE YOU HAVE FUN.
- LIKE, THANKS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M ON MY WAY TO
THE PEABODY ROOF.
DO YOU WANNA COME ALONG?
- NO THANKS, BUT I
HOPE YOU HAVE FUN.
- THANKS. MAYNARD,
YOU REAL MAD AT ME?
- NAH.
- YOU SURE?
- SURE, I'M SURE.
WELL, NOT REAL MAD
JUST MIDDLE IN MAD.
YOU CAN'T HELP IT IF
YOU'RE A DOUBLE-CROSSER.
- NO, MAYNARD, I DIDN'T
DOUBLE-CROSS YOU.
- SURE YOU DID, YOU
TURNED OUT TO BE A GIRL.
- I WAS ALWAYS A GIRL.
- NO YOU WASN'T.
GIRLS DON'T DIG DIPPING
SHEEP AND CIRCUS TENTS
AND THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING.
- I MEAN, INSIDE OF ME
I WAS ALWAYS A GIRL.
TILL TONIGHT,
I GUESS I WAS TRYING TO
KEEP IT FROM MYSELF, TOO.
- YEAH, AND THEN YOU WENT
AND SPOILED EVERYTHING.
- I FOUND OUT I LIKE HAVING
BOYS SAY NICE THINGS TO ME
JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER GIRLS.
I FOUND OUT YOU
CAN SHIMMY UP TREES
AND PLAY HANDBALL
WITH THE LONGSHOREMEN
FOR JUST SO LONG.
AND THEN YOU'D BETTER
STOP BEING JUST A PERSON
AND START BEING A GIRL.
IT HAPPENS TO ALL
OF US, MAYNARD.
IT'LL HAPPEN TO YOU, TOO.
- I'LL START BEING A GIRL?
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
- YEAH, I KNOW,
I'LL BECOME A DUDE AND I'LL
START WEARING FANCY CLOTHES
AND SAYING NICE THINGS TO
CHICKS EVEN IF I DON'T MEAN THEM
AND I'LL MISS DIPPING SHEEP
IN THE OLD ENDICOTT BUILDING
BUT MAYBE SOME
CHICK WON'T LIKE IT.
OH, NO, NOT ME.
I'M STAYING ME,
MAYNARD G. KREBS.
- AND YOU SHOULD.
MAYNARD G. KREBS IS A
FINE WORTHWHILE PERSON
BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL BE
MAYNARD G. KREBS THE MAN.
IT'LL HAPPEN. YOU'LL SEE.
- NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT IT WON'T.
- I BETTER GO NOW.
SURE YOU DON'T WANNA COME ALONG?
THE KID'S ALL BE
GLAD TO SEE YOU.
- THE PEABODY ROOF? ME?
LIKE, HUH.
- THANKS, MAYNARD,
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
EVERY MINUTE I'VE KNOWN YOU IS
A MINUTE I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER.
BYE, MAYNARD.
- BYE, EDWINA.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
MAYNARD, WHAT'S WRONG?
- OH, THAT CHICK EDDIE, SHE
DID AN AWFUL THING TO ME.
- LOOK, MAYNARD,
THAT'S AN EXPERIENCE
WE ALL HAVE TO GO THROUGH.
DURING YOUR LIFE, A LOT OF
GIRLS WILL WALK OUT ON YOU
AND DISAPPOINT YOU AND
GIVE YOU A ROUGH TIME.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
- THAT ISN'T THE AWFUL
THING SHE DID TO ME.
- OH, WHAT DID SHE DO?
- SHE KISSED ME.
- NO.
- RIGHT HERE.
OH, DOBE, YOU WERE RIGHT.
THEM CHICKS ARE ALL ALIKE.
YOU GOTTA WATCH
THEM LIKE A HAWK.
- YEAH, MAYNARD, SURE.
- HEY, LOOK, DOBE, OH, THE
BRIDGE IS ON ITS WAY UP.
OH, MAN.
YEP, IT'S RIGHT ON TIME, DOBE.
OH, ISN'T THAT THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL SIGHT YOU EVER SEEN
IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
OH, LIKE, WOW.
LOOK, DOBE, THERE GOES
THE CATTLE BOAT, LOOK.
GOODBYE MR. COW,
GOODBYE MRS. COW,
GOODBYE BABY COW.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.
- HOW DO I LOOK,
DOBE? SPIFFY, HUH?
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THERE'S SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU.
- LIKE TRUE. IT'S THIS
HAND PAINTED TIE.
THE SALESMAN SAID IT'LL
GO WITH ANYTHING I EAT.
- YEAH, THAT MUST BE IT.
MAYNARD, I KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
- YEAH, TO SEE
EDWINA. I MEAN, EDDIE.
- YEAH, MAYNARD, LISTEN.
- DOBE, I WAS THINKING ABOUT
YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, GOING OUT TO FANCY
PLACES AND DANCING LIKE THAT.
SO I BOUGHT THIS BOX OF CANDY
AND I PICKED THIS WHOLE
BUNCH OF FLOWERS
AND ME AND EDDIE ARE GOING
TO BE LIKE ROMEO AND JULIUS.
- HEY, MAYNARD,
LOOK. PAY ATTENTION.
I DON'T QUITE KNOW
HOW TO TELL YOU THIS
BUT EDDIE IS GOING
STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK.
- GEE, THAT'S NICE.
YOU KNOW, DOBE, IT'S ABOUT
TIME I STARTED HACKING...
GOING STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK?
- I'M SORRY I HAD TO BE THE
ONE TO TELL YOU, MAYNARD,
BUT DON'T LET IT GET YOU DOWN.
IN TIME YOU'LL GET OVER IT.
- GOING STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK?
- TRY TO LOOK ON
THE BRIGHTER SIDE.
- GOING STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK?
- TRY NOT TO BE BITTER.
REMEMBER, EVERY
CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.
- YEAH, THAT'S TRUE,
DOBE, IT'S TRUE.
- YEAH.
- I MEAN, IF EDDIE'S GOING
STEADY WITH WALTER FUNK,
THEN I GOT THIS
WHOLE BOX OF CANDY.
- YEAH.