The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Big Blunder and Egg Man - full transcript
In her own words, the beautiful Daphne Winsett, the latest girl who Dobie believes will be his wife, allows him to hang around her because "he's good looking, he's a good dancer, and he has a nice sense of humor", to which Maynard correctly adds "because he does her homework" most specifically in her arts classes. They are a mismatch since Dobie is a dreamer who loves art and culture, while Daphne loves business and commerce. To get their sensibilities closer together, Dobie decides to take an economics class, temporarily taught by Professor Pomfritt, at least he hopes temporarily. Since Daphne doesn't believe Dobie has economics in his blood, Dobie decides to show her that he does by doing their class assignment - buying and selling commodity futures using hypothetical money - using real money, Dobie buying and selling exactly what Daphne is buying and selling, which is eggs. Dobie's next problem is getting $500 to invest. If he does get the money, he has to hope that Daphne knows what she's doing. He also has to hope that he fully understands the nature of the commodities market.
- DOBIE, DEAR, DON'T YOU
HAVE AN EARLY CLASS?
YOU BETTER BE GOING.
- WE'RE GETTING A RIDE, MOM.
WE'RE GONNA BE
PICKED UP IN A MINUTE.
- OH, WHY, OF COURSE, THEY'RE
GOING TO BE PICKED UP, WINNIE.
WHY, YOU DON'T EXPECT
THESE POOR BOYS
TO WALK FOR 15
CONSECUTIVE MINUTES
ON THOSE WOBBLY LITTLE
LEGS OF THEIRS, DO YOU?
- WHO'S PICKING YOU UP, DEAR?
- A PRINCESS, A QUEEN,
A VISION OF LOVELINESS.
- A CHICK.
- HI, DOBIE. HI, MAYNARD.
HAVE YOU GOT IT?
- OH, HI, DAPHNE, MY
HEART. IT'S RIGHT HERE.
VOILÀ.
- DOBIE, THIS IS MARVELOUS!
EARLY TRENDS IN
PERUVIAN ARCHITECTURE.
HOW CUTE!
- AHEM!
- OH, MOM, DAD? THIS
IS DAPHNE WINSETT,
THE FUTURE MRS. DOBIE GILLIS
IF EVERYTHING GOES
ACCORDING TO PLAN.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- JUST A MOMENT, DID YOU
SAY YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
- MRS. GILLIS, MR. GILLIS,
YOU HAVE A VERY CUTE BOY
EVEN THOUGH HIS IMAGINATION HAS
A TENDENCY TO RUN AWAY WITH HIM.
- BUT THERE'S NOTHING SERIOUS
BETWEEN YOU AND DOBIE?
- WHAT A RIDICULOUS IDEA.
- YOU THINK MY BOY
DOBIE'S RIDICULOUS?
- OH, NO! I THINK
DOBIE'S DARLING.
- BUT THERE'S NOTHING
SERIOUS BETWEEN YOU?
- HOW COULD THERE
BE? DOBIE'S A DREAMER.
ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS
CULTURE AND ART AND POETRY.
ME, ON THE OTHER HAND,
WHAT I LIKE IS BUSINESS
AND COMMERCE AND FINANCE.
- AND LOOT.
- WELL, IF THERE IS
SUCH A VAST DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND DOBIE,
HOW COME YOU'RE ALL
THE TIME HANGING AROUND?
- WELL, HE'S NICE-LOOKING...
- YEAH.
- AND HE'S A GOOD DANCER...
- YEAH.
- AND HE HAS A NICE
SENSE OF HUMOR.
- YEAH.
- AND HE DOES YOUR HOMEWORK.
- AND HE DOES MY HOMEWORK.
- YEAH.
[JAZZ THEME]
- LIKE DAPHNE WINSETT SAID,
I'M A MAN WHO'S INTERESTED
IN TRUTH AND BEAUTY,
BUT WHAT DAPHNE WANTS
IS A MAN WHO'S INTERESTED
IN BUSINESS AND FINANCE.
SO I, DOBIE GILLIS,
POET AND DREAMER,
AM GONNA TURN INTO DOBIE
GILLIS, FINANCIER AND TYCOON,
AND RIGHT NOW.
- YOU, MR. GILLIS, ARE
TAKING ECONOMICS?
- YOU, MR. POMFRITT, ARE
TEACHING ECONOMICS?
- I ASKED YOU FIRST.
WHAT IS AN UNLIKELY TYPE LIKE
YOU DOING IN AN ECONOMICS CLASS?
AND, OH, WHAT A
FOOLISH QUESTION.
WHO IS SHE?
- HER NAME'S DAPHNE WINSETT.
- WELL, THAT ACCOUNTS
FOR YOU, MR. GILLIS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. KREBS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M WITH DOBE.
- THAT'S YOUR ONLY REASON.
- RIGHT.
OH, AND A WORD OF
WARNING TO YOU, SIR.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- IF YOU TRY TO
THROW ME OUT, I CRY.
- STAY, MR. KREBS.
BY ALL MEANS, STAY.
- OKAY, MR. POMFRITT,
IT'S YOUR TURN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN ECONOMICS?
- YEAH, MR. POMFRITT, I MEAN,
YOU TEACH HISTORY AND POETRY
AND BIOLOGY AND ALL THAT JAZZ.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT ECONOMICS?
- VERY LITTLE, AS I AM
ABOUT TO DEMONSTRATE.
HOWEVER, THE DEAN TOLD ME
THIS MORNING TO TEACH ECONOMICS
AND ONE DOES NOT
ARGUE WITH THE DEAN.
- AH, I'M SURE YOU'LL
BE VERY GOOD AT IT.
- I'M NOT.
- NOR AM I.
HOWEVER, LET US
BE OF GOOD HEART.
PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS
AND TOGETHER WE WILL VENTURE
INTO THE UNEXPLORED JUNGLE
OF MONEY AND BANKING.
- OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!
- YOU WANT A TYCOON,
I'LL BE A TYCOON.
- OH, DOBIE, DON'T BE SILLY.
WHY DON'T YOU STICK
TO ART AND POETRY
AND LEAVE THE FINANCE
TO THE FINANCIERS?
- GOOD THINKING.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.
- I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO TAKE
OVER THIS CLASS IN ECONOMICS
FROM PROFESSOR RANDOLPH
WHO HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO
REACH RETIREMENT AGE LAST FRIDAY.
NOW MY TEACHING ECONOMICS
MAY TURN OUT TO BE
ONE OF THE MAJOR ERRORS
IN THE HISTORY OF
HIGHER EDUCATION.
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT
APPLICATIONS FOR TRANSFER
AT THE END OF THE HOUR.
MEANWHILE, LET US TAKE UP
THE SUBJECT OF MARKETING.
CAN ANYONE HERE GIVE
ME A NICE BRIEF DEFINITION
OF THE WORD MAR...
YOU, MR. KREBS?
ON YOUR FIRST DAY?
- MR. G. DOES IT. THAT'S
DOBE'S FATHER, MR. G.
WHAT HE DOES, HE GOES DOWN TO
THE MARKET WITH THEM FARMER CATS
AND HE SNEERS AND SAYS,
"I WOULDN'T FEED THEM
CARROTS TO A CONDEMNED HORSE!"
THEN HE JUST WALKS
AWAY AND SHAKES HIS HEAD
AND HE GETS THEM CARROTS DOWN
TO ABOUT SEVEN CENTS A BUNCH.
HE TAKES THEM
BACK TO THE GROCERY
AND MARKS THEM
TO 49 CENTS A BUNCH.
- MAYNARD, CEASE AND DESIST!
- THEN MY MOTHER COMES IN
AND LOOKS AT 'EM AND YELLS,
"49 CENTS A BUNCH
FOR THEM CARROTS?
WHAT? ARE THEY, LIKE, DIPPED
IN PLATINUM?" AND THEN MY...
- MAYNARD!
ENOUGH.
NOW I THINK YOU'VE GOT
THE GENERAL IDEA, MAYNARD.
BUT WE'RE DEALING HERE
WITH A BROADER CONCEPTION
OF THE TERM MARKETING.
NOW CAN ANYONE ELSE GIVE...
- EXCUSE ME, PROFESSOR POMFRITT,
BUT THIS IS PRETTY
ELEMENTARY STUFF.
PROFESSOR RANDOLPH HAD
US ALL THE WAY TO PAGE 97.
- I SEE.
PUTS YOU ROUGHLY
96 PAGES AHEAD OF ME.
WHAT IS YOUR
ASSIGNMENT FOR TODAY?
- COMMODITY FUTURES.
- WHAT FUTURES?
- OH, LIKE EGGS,
WHEAT, BUTTER, COTTON.
SEE, TODAY'S QUOTATIONS FROM
THE CHICAGO COMMODITY EXCHANGE
ARE ON THE BOARD.
WE EACH INVESTED $5,000,
HYPOTHETICALLY, OF COURSE.
THE IDEA IS TO BUY WHEN
THE COMMODITY IS LOW
AND SELL WHEN IT'S HIGH.
- WELL, THEN I TAKE IT EVERYONE
IN CLASS HAS PICKED A COMMODITY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- OH, WELL, THEN WHY DON'T
WE HAVE A PROGRESS REPORT?
WE'LL START WITH
YOU, MISS WINSETT.
- WELL, I'M SPECULATING
IN EGG FUTURES.
I BOUGHT 15,000 DOZEN
FRESH-SHELL EGGS MONDAY
AT 29 CENTS AND
THEY'RE UP TO TWO CENTS
WHICH GIVES ME A
$300 PROFIT SO FAR.
- CONGRATULATIONS. NOW, MR...
- BUT PROFESSOR POMFRITT?
- YES?
- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
ASK WHETHER I'M SELLING
OR STAYING WITH MY PURCHASE.
- ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU SELLING
OR STAYING WITH YOUR PURCHASE?
- I'M STAYING, BECAUSE
EGGS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY
AND THEY SHOULD
KEEP RISING IN PRICE.
- FINE. NOW, MR...
- PROFESSOR POMFRITT?
- YES?
- PROFESSOR RANDOLPH ALWAYS
GRADES US ON OUR DECISIONS
AND EXPLAINS WHETHER
THEY'RE GOOD OR BAD.
- THAT'S WHAT PROFESSOR
RANDOLPH ALWAYS DOES, HUH?
- YES, SIR.
- WELL, I TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA DISMISS THE CLASS
AND GO DO SOME HOMEWORK.
MAYBE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS,
I'LL CATCH UP WITH
THE REST OF YOU.
CLASS DISMISSED.
OH, HELLO, DEAN.
- WELL, THAT'S AN
AUSPICIOUS START.
YOUR CLASS LASTED
EXACTLY 10 MINUTES.
- WELL, THAT WAS
10 MINUTES TOO LONG
CONSIDERING THE
PREPARATION I HAD.
- POMFRITT, I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE AN INTELLIGENT,
SCHOLARLY MAN AND THAT'S GOOD.
- WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
- BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TODAY.
CLASSWORK IS FINE IN ITS WAY,
BUT DON'T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY.
YOU SHOULD GET AROUND MORE.
MEET PEOPLE, MAKE
CONTACTS, GIVE TALKS, OPERATE,
WHEEL AND DEAL.
PUT S. PETER PRYOR
JUNIOR COLLEGE ON THE MAP.
- WELL, I WAS KIND OF
UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THAT YOU'D HIRED ME TO TEACH.
- SO I DID, POMFRITT, SO I DID.
BUT THERE'S MUCH
MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
DO YOU KNOW THERE ARE MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS KICKING AROUND
FOR RESEARCH GRANTS,
GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS,
NEW LABORATORIES, NEW BUILDINGS?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE THERE ARE,
BUT WHAT'S THAT
GOT TO DO WITH ME?
- WHY, EVERYTHING, MAN.
THE COLLEGES THAT
GET ALL THAT LOOT
ARE THE COLLEGES WHERE
THE TEACHERS MAKE A SPLASH.
- I'M AFRAID I'M NOT
THE SPLASHY TYPE.
- YES, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE RIGHT.
- I HAVE ONLY ONE SERIOUS
FAILING AS A TEACHER.
ALL I CAN DO IS TEACH.
- WELL, I GUESS EVERY COLLEGE
GETS STUCK WITH A FEW LIKE YOU.
- THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.
- CARRY ON, POMFRITT.
- OH, AND THANKS FOR
THE WORDS OF INSPIRATION
AND GUIDANCE, SIR.
- ANYTIME, SON, ANYTIME.
- BUT, DOBIE, WHO
ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU'LL NEVER LEARN ECONOMICS.
- DAPHNE, DAPHNE, YES, I WILL.
- NO, HE WON'T.
- TAKE TODAY'S CLASS IN
MARKETING, FOR INSTANCE.
DID YOU UNDERSTAND
ONE WORD OF IT?
- WHY, SURE.
- ALL RIGHT. WHAT WERE
THEY TALKING ABOUT?
- COMMODITIES.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, GIRL.
- AND WHAT ARE COMMODITIES?
- WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS
WHAT COMMODITIES ARE.
- I DON'T.
- AND NEITHER DOES DOBIE.
- WELL, I'LL LEARN.
- LEARNING ISN'T ENOUGH.
ANY FOOL CAN UNDERSTAND ABOUT
EGGS AND BUTTER AND SOYBEANS
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
BUT TO KNOW WHEN TO
BUY AND WHEN TO SELL,
IT'S GOTTA BE IN YOUR BLOOD.
AND YOU, DEAR DOBIE,
HAVE THE BLOOD OF A POET.
- NO, DAPHNE, I'LL LEARN
HOW TO BUY AND SELL TOO.
- WHAT'S THE USE, DOBE?
EVEN IF YOU DO LEARN,
WHICH YOU WON'T,
WHERE YOU GONNA GET THE LOOT?
YOU SEE WHERE THOSE KIDS WERE
TOSSING MONEY AROUND THAT CLASS?
MAN, THEY MUST
BE ALL, LIKE, LOADED.
- MAYNARD, THAT MONEY
WAS JUST ON PAPER.
- WHO CARES WHERE YOU KEEP
IT? ON PAPER? IN YOUR SHOES?
YOU COULD EVEN LINE YOUR
UNDIES WITH IT, NO OFFENSE.
- MAYNARD, THAT WAS
HYPOTHETICAL MONEY.
IT'S NOT FOR REAL.
- YOU MEAN IT'S LIKE
PRETEND MONEY?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
AND PRETEND MONEY IS
THE ONLY KIND OF MONEY
YOU AND YOUR DREAMY FRIEND
HERE ARE EVER GONNA HAVE.
SO, DOBIE, LET'S NOT TRY
TO BE WHAT WE'RE NOT.
FORGET ABOUT ECONOMICS
AND JUST GO ON BEING THE
SWEET, PENNILESS DREAMY SCHNOOK
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
GOODBYE, DOBIE, DEAR.
- I'LL SHOW HER. SOMEDAY
I'LL PROVE TO HER
THAT I'M HARD AND KEEN
AND PRACTICAL AND SHREWD.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- I'LL STUDY
ECONOMICS REAL HARD.
I'LL BUY AND SELL THOSE
COMMODITIES SO WELL
THAT, AT THE END
OF THE SEMESTER,
I'LL HAVE MORE
HYPOTHETICAL MONEY
THAN ANY KID IN THE WHOLE CLASS.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- AND IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE.
I'LL JUST BUY
WHATEVER DAPHNE BUYS.
- HEY, GOOD THINKING!
TOO BAD YOU HAVE TO
DO IT WITH PRETEND MONEY
INSTEAD OF USING,
LIKE, REAL MONEY
'CAUSE THEN YOU'D
REALLY HAVE REAL MONEY
AND YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
TO PRETEND IT WAS REAL.
- MAYNARD...
MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
YOU'VE JUST GIVEN ME AN IDEA.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- LISTEN CAREFULLY. I'LL
BUY WHATEVER DAPHNE BUYS.
ONLY WHEN I BUY, IT
WON'T BE HYPOTHETICAL.
I'LL PUT DOWN HARD CASH.
- BRILLIANT, DOBE.
- AND I'LL GET RICH, REALLY
RICH, NOT JUST ON PAPER.
AND DAPHNE WILL
BE MINE, MINE, MINE.
- BRILLIANT,
BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
- ONLY ONE THING WRONG.
- WHAT?
- THIS HARD CASH TO INVEST?
WHERE YOU GONNA GET IT?
- MAYNARD HAD PUT HIS
FINGER RIGHT ON THE PROBLEM.
WHERE WAS I GONNA GET SOME
GOOD HARD CASH TO INVEST?
WELL, THE ANSWER
WASN'T TOO TOUGH.
I'D MAKE A LITTLE
LOAN, SAY, $500.
WHO'D LEND ME $500?
WELL, NATURALLY THE FIRST
PERSON I THOUGHT OF WAS...
- ME? $500?
- DOBIE, DEAR, YOUR
FATHER'S RIGHT.
WE'RE REALLY NOT IN A
POSITION TO LEND YOU $500.
HOWEVER, I ADMIRE YOUR AMBITION
AND I'M PREPARED TO HELP
YOU IN EVERY WAY THAT I CAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO? GIVE HIM A SIDE OF BEEF?
WINNIE, YOUR COAT!
WHY, THAT COAT COST US
TWO WHOLE SUMMER VACATIONS!
- HUSH! THIS THING
NEEDS CLEANING
AND THE LINING IS RIPPED.
- MOM, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- SO IF YOU'LL TAKE THIS IN
FOR CLEANING AND SEWING,
I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR!
THERE! ISN'T THAT A GOOD START?
- THANKS A LOT, MOM.
OKAY, CALL ME WEAK.
- YOU'RE WEAK!
- OKAY, CALL ME SNEAKY.
- YOU'RE SNEAKY!
- THAT WAS A ROTTEN,
SHAMEFUL THING I DID,
HOCKING MY MOM'S FUR COAT.
BUT WHAT COULD I DO?
I HAD TO HAVE DAPHNE
WINSETT. I HAD TO.
SO I PUT MY PLAN INTO
OPERATION IMMEDIATELY.
I WENT TO SEE A BROKER.
NATURALLY, I DIDN'T WANT HIM
TO THINK I WAS JUST A GREEN KID,
SO I KIND OF SPRUCED UP
A LITTLE FOR THE OCCASION.
THE NAME'S GILLIS, SON. I
EXPECT YOU HEARD OF ME.
- I'M NOT SURE THAT I HAVE.
- WELL, POSSIBLY NOT.
I TRY TO KEEP MY OPERATIONS
AS QUIET AS POSSIBLE.
YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
- OF COURSE, MR. GILLIS.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
- OH, THANK YOU, SON, THANK YOU.
- CAN I ORDER YOU
SOME COFFEE, SIR?
- IF YOU DON'T MIND, SON,
I'D PREFER A GLASS OF MI...
NO, THANKS, SON. I PASS.
- NOW THEN, WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU, SIR?
- I'VE HEARD SOME GOOD THINGS
ABOUT YOUR FIRM, METGANG,
MIGHTY GOOD THINGS.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
- SO I THOUGHT I MIGHT
TAKE A LITTLE FLYER WITH YOU
IN A SMALL WAY, OF COURSE.
- WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL BE
SATISFIED WITH OUR SERVICE,
MR. GILLIS.
NOW PRECISELY WHAT
ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?
- COMMODITY FUTURES, SON,
TO BE PRECISE, EGGS, HEN EGGS.
- AHA. I HAPPEN TO
AGREE WITH YOU, SIR.
EGGS ARE A VERY
SMART BUY RIGHT NOW.
- WELL, I DIDN'T GET WHERE I GOT
BY BEING STUPID, HUH, METGANG?
- OF COURSE, LET ME
BUZZ MY ASSOCIATES.
- NO, NO! DON'T
TELL ANYBODY ELSE.
I MEAN, LET'S DO THIS
AS QUIETLY AS WE CAN.
I MEAN, IF THE WORD GETS
OUT THAT GILLIS IS BUYING...
- SAY NO MORE.
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO SOMETHING,
OH, IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
OF $10,000 OR $12,000 TODAY?
- WELL, HAVE YOU GOT ANY
OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS?
- $, 7,500?
- WELL, I'M SPREAD
A BIT THIN FOR THAT.
WHAT'S THE SMALLEST BUY?
- LET ME SEE.
15,000 DOZEN EGGS, THAT'S $5,000
WHICH MAKES THE MARGIN $500.
- THAT'S ROUGHLY
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
NOW LET'S RUN OVER
THE PROFIT PICTURE AGAIN.
WHEN THE EGGS GO UP LIKE THAT...
- NOW MR. FUNK'S
LARD IS UP TWO CENTS.
THAT MAKES $200 AND
HE'S STAYING WITH IT.
VERY GOOD.
NOW, MISS WINSETT?
- MY EGGS HAVE GONE UP
THREE AND A HALF CENTS.
THAT'S ANOTHER $525.
- HMM.
- I'M STAYING WITH THEM
BECAUSE THE BROKER'S
COLUMN IN THE "JOURNAL"
SAID THAT JET AIRCRAFT OVER
THE NORTHERN POULTRY FARMS
ARE UNSETTLING THE HENS
AND EGGS ARE CONTINUING
IN SHORT SUPPLY.
- EXCELLENT.
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT FUTURE
AS A BROKER, MISS WINSETT.
HOW ABOUT YOU, MR. GILLIS?
- I'M WITH DAPHNE. I
BOUGHT EGGS TOO.
- WELL, THAT'S MORE INTELLIGENT
THAN I COULD HAVE EXPECTED.
AND YOU, MR. KREBS?
- COULD I BARTER,
LIKE, 10,000 OR SO?
- I TAKE IT CARIBBEAN
COPRA IS STILL FALLING.
- YEAH, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE
A FLYER ON TUNISIAN TIN FOIL.
I FIGURE WITH THE TV
DINNER SEASON COMING UP,
I'M GONNA CLEAN UP BECAUSE...
[CLASS BELL RINGS]
- WE'LL TAKE UP YOUR
CASE TOMORROW, MR. KREBS.
CLASS DISMISSED!
- DAPHNE! DAPHNE?
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND ADORABLE
AND SMART AND DESIRABLE AND
KEEN AND YUMMY AND SHREWD
AND WONDERFUL?
- OF COURSE.
- AND YOU'RE THE GREATEST
EGG EXPERT IN THE COUNTRY.
- IS THAT ALL IT TAKES
TO IMPRESS YOU?
A SIMPLE LITTLE
MARKETING PROBLEM?
- TO YOU, IT'S A SIMPLE
LITTLE MARKETING PROBLEM.
TO ME, IT'S THE KEY TO
PARADISE, AND TO MY MOTHER...
- YOUR MOTHER?
- WITH HER COAT AND YOUR
BRAINS, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
METGANG, THIS IS
GET-RICH-QUICK GILLIS.
I COULDN'T GET OVER
TO THE TICKER TODAY.
WHAT'S THE PICTURE?
$925, HUH?
NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.
HELLO, METGANG. HOW'D
MY EGGS DO TODAY?
$1,255, HUH?
NO, NO, I'VE GOT MY EXPERTS
WATCHING IT AND I'M STAYING IN.
HELLO, METGANG. GILLIS HERE.
HOW'S EVERYTHING AT THE
OMELET FOUNDRY TODAY?
UP ANOTHER CENT?
WHAT?
- SELL NOW.
- SELL?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS,
MY GOOD MAN.
- BUT, MR. GILLIS, I WISH
YOU'D TAKE MY ADVICE
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
THE MARKET IS AT A
COMPLETE STANDSTILL.
- METGANG, PLEASE.
I MUST REMIND YOU
THAT THEY'RE MY EGGS
AND I'LL SELL THEM
WHEN I'M READY!
POOR MAN.
APPARENTLY, THE
BIG MONEY PANICS HIM.
- DOBIE? DOBIE GILLIS?
- YES, MOM?
- AREN'T YOU FORGETTING
PART OF OUR BARGAIN?
- WHAT BARGAIN?
- I GAVE YOU A DOLLAR TO TAKE MY
COAT TO THE CLEANERS DAYS AGO.
- OH, YEAH.
- WELL, DEAR, THAT DOLLAR
WAS FOR A ROUND TRIP.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
PICK IT UP TOO, YOU KNOW.
- OH, SURE, WELL, IT MAY
BE A FEW DAYS YET, MOM.
- A FEW DAYS?
- AND I MAY HAVE A
LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU.
HOW'D YOU LIKE A NICE BIG
SEALSKIN MUFF TO GO WITH IT?
- DOBIE, BE SERIOUS.
THAT COAT IS THE
BEST THING I OWN.
- MAYBE WE'LL GET
YOU A MINK OR A SABLE.
THEN YOU CAN WEAR THE
SEALSKIN FOR EVERYDAY.
- JUST EXACTLY
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- MOM, THEY LAUGHED AT THE OLD
EASYGOING AND PRACTICAL DOBIE.
NOW THERE'S BEEN
SOME CHANGES MADE.
TRUST ME FOR A
COUPLE OF MORE DAYS
AND I'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
BYE, MOM.
- OH, I SEE.
WELL, I'LL PROBABLY GET THE
HANG OF THIS COMMODITY BUSINESS
BY THE END OF THE SEMESTER.
MEANWHILE, I MUST SAY
THAT YOU ALL IMPRESS ME
WITH YOUR SAVVY IN MARKETING.
THERE'S ONLY ONE
STUDENT IN THE CLASS
WHO'S LOST MONEY IN COMMODITIES.
- IT'S ONLY THREE BUCKS AND
MY LUCK'S BOUND TO CHANGE.
- NO, MR. KREBS.
THAT DECIMAL POINT IS
WAY OVER ON THE RIGHT.
IT'S 300,000 BUCKS.
WELL, LET'S FINISH UP NOW.
YOUR REPORT,
PLEASE, MISS WINSETT?
- EGGS WENT UP ANOTHER
TWO CENTS YESTERDAY.
MY TOTAL PROFIT WAS
$1,150 AND, OF COURSE I SOLD.
- SPLENDID.
THAT KIND OF MONEY
GETS AN A-PLUS IN MY BOOK.
MR. GILLIS, I SUPPOSE YOU
FOLLOWED OUR FAIR WIZARD'S LEAD?
- NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
EGGS ARE STILL GOING
UP AND I'M NOT SELLING.
I'M WAITING TILL THEY SLOW DOWN.
- I SEE.
- JUST A MINUTE, DOBIE.
PROFESSOR POMFRITT,
YOU HAD TO SELL YESTERDAY.
- WHO HAD TO SELL?
- ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T WANT
TO TAKE DELIVERY ON THE EGGS,
THAT'S WHO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- BECAUSE YESTERDAY
WAS SPOT DAY, GENIUS.
THE 15th IS CLOSING DAY IN
THE CHICAGO EGG MARKET.
- SPOT DAY? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- YES, DAPHNE, WHAT
DOES THAT MEAN?
- IT MEANS IF YOU
DON'T SELL ON SPOT DAY,
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT
DELIVERY ON THE COMMODITY.
- YOU MEAN IF, FOR INSTANCE,
SOMEBODY BOUGHT
15,000 DOZEN EGGS
AND DIDN'T SELL THEM YESTERDAY,
THEY'D ACTUALLY DELIVER
15,000 DOZEN EGGS TO HIM?
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU.
TELL ME SOMETHING, DOBIE.
DO YOU OFTEN TURN
A BRIGHT, VIVID GREEN?
- THAT'S RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
YOU NOW OWN 15,000
DOZEN FRESH-SHELL EGGS.
- I THOUGHT THAT'S
WHAT YOU SAID.
- YOU'RE CERTAINLY A
COOL ONE, MR. GILLIS.
I REALIZED YESTERDAY WHEN
YOU WOULDN'T LET ME SELL OUT,
YOU HAD PLANS FOR THOSE EGGS.
- OH, YEAH. US GILLISES
ARE BIG EATERS.
- WELL, TO THE MATTER AT HAND,
YOUR FREIGHT CARLOAD
OF EGGS WILL BE ARRIVING
AT THE GROVE STREET SIDING...
- GROVE STREET SIDING.
- IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
JUST LET ME KNOW ABOUT
YOUR WAREHOUSE FACILITIES...
- WAREHOUSE FACILITIES.
- THE FLEETS OF TRUCKS AND SO ON
AND YOUR CHECK FOR THE $4,500...
- $4,500...
WILL BE DUE WHEN
THE EGGS ARRIVE.
SO CONGRATULATIONS AND I
HOPE TO BE SEEING MORE OF YOU.
- THANK YOU, MR. METGANG.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU AND MRS. METGANG WILL
HAVE TO DROP OVER TO THE HOUSE
SOMETIME FOR EGGNOG.
- YOU PAWNED MY FUR COAT?
- AND YOU SPENT THE
MONEY TO BUY EGGS WITH?
- I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE,
BUT I SAW A CHANCE
TO MAKE A NICE PROFIT.
AND IT WASN'T JUST FOR ME.
IT WAS FOR ALL OF US.
- YOU DID A WRONG THING, DOBIE,
BUT I CAN'T FIND IT IN MY
HEART TO BE TOO HARD ON YOU.
- WELL, ME NEITHER, SON.
I GUESS YOU JUST GOT
MERCHANDISING IN YOUR BLOOD,
YOU KNOW, JUST
LIKE YOUR OLD MAN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA HELP YOU
GET RID OF THEM EGGS.
HOW MANY YOU GOT?
- 15,000 DOZEN.
- 15,000 DOZEN, HUH?
WELL, I'LL JUST SET UP A
LITTLE DISPLAY HERE, SEE,
AND MAYBE I'LL
TAKE AN AD IN THE...
15,000 DOZEN?
- I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT.
- SEEMS LIKE A LOT? BOY,
YOU ARE UNDER-PLAYING!
THERE AIN'T THAT
MANY WORKING HENS
IN THE WHOLE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA,
INCLUDING MINNEAPOLIS
AND ST. PAUL!
THAT'S MORE DOZEN EGGS
THAN THERE ARE PEOPLE
IN THIS WHOLE TOWN!
- I DON'T NEED MY COAT.
I CAN JUST SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE IN THE STORE.
- DAD, I HATE TO ASK
AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
BUT WHEN THE EGGS ARRIVE...
- YES?
- I'LL NEED ANOTHER $4,500.
- $4,500?
- JUST UNTIL I SELL
THE EGGS, OF COURSE.
- WINNIE?
DON'T DEPEND ON SPENDING
THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE IN THE STORE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SELL IT
TO PAY FOR THAT GUY'S EGGS!
- ALL RIGHT, CALL ME A RAT.
- YOU RAT!
- CALL ME A SKUNK.
- YOU SKUNK!
- NEVER MIND!
BUT THAT'S WHAT I
AM, A RAT AND A SKUNK,
A RAT AND A SKUNK
WITH 15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
WHERE WAS I GONNA
GET RID OF THEM?
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?
- YOUR TROUBLES ARE
OVER, GOOD BUDDY!
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD,
YOU SOLD THE EGGS!
- EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!
- MAYNARD, I COULD KISS YOU!
- WELL, JUST A LITTLE
ONE ON THE CHEEK.
- NEVER MIND.
MAYNARD, WHERE'D
YOU SELL THE EGGS?
- WELL, I WAS READING
IN THE NEWSPAPER
WHERE THE GIRL SCOUTS ARE
GONNA HAVE A NATIONAL JAMBOREE,
SO I WENT TO SEE THE
HEAD GIRL SCOUT LADY
AND I SAID, "HEAD
GIRL SCOUT LADY,
WHAT'S A JAMBOREE
WITHOUT HARDBOILED EGGS?"
AND SHE SAID, "MR. KREBS"...
THAT'S WHAT SHE
CALLED ME, MR. KREBS.
HOW ABOUT THAT, DOBE?
THEY DON'T EVEN CALL
MY FATHER MR. KREBS.
- MAYNARD, WHAT'D SHE SAY?
- WHO?
- THE HEAD GIRL SCOUT LADY.
- OH, SHE SAID, "MR. KREBS,
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT."
HOW ABOUT THAT, DOBE,
CALLING ME MR. KREBS.
THEY DON'T EVEN
CALL MY FATHER...
- MAYNARD, WE ALREADY DID THAT.
- OH. SHE SAID SHE'D TAKE
EVERY ONE OF THE EGGS
WHEN THEY HAD THE JAMBOREE.
- OH, MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
WHEN'S THE JAMBOREE?
- SIX MONTHS FROM LAST TUESDAY.
DON'T BE OF FAINT
HEART, GOOD BUDDY.
I GOT, LIKE, ANOTHER
SWINGIN' IDEA!
LIKE, BEHOLD!
ONLY 235 SHOPPING
DAYS UNTIL EASTER!
GET YOUR EASTER EGGS NOW!
- MAYNARD, HOW CAN
I THANK YOU ENOUGH?
- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
- OH, IT'S NO USE, MAYNARD.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
I CAN DO, ONLY ONE THING.
- YOU'RE QUITTING SCHOOL?
- YES, SIR. I CAME
TO SAY GOODBYE.
- WELL NOW, HOLD ON, DOBIE.
DON'T GET DISCOURAGED.
WHY, I THINK YOU'RE
REALLY BEGINNING
TO GET THE HANG OF ECONOMICS.
- I THINK NOT.
SIR, YOU REMEMBER
THOSE EGG FUTURES
I WAS BUYING HYPOTHETICALLY?
- YEAH.
- WELL, IT WASN'T HYPOTHETICAL.
I REALLY BOUGHT THEM
AND I REALLY OWN THEM,
15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
AND I'M QUITTING SCHOOL TO
GET A JOB TO MAKE THE MONEY
TO PAY BACK MY FATHER.
- OH, DOBIE. I CAN'T TELL
YOU HOW SORRY I AM,
AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
IF I'D KNOWN MY COURSE PROPERLY,
I WOULD HAVE TAUGHT
YOU TO SELL THOSE EGGS
WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.
- WELL, IF I'D STUDIED HARDER,
I WOULD HAVE KNOWN MYSELF.
- I GUESS WE'RE NEITHER
OF US BUSINESSMEN.
- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
- JUST A COUPLE OF
ACADEMIC SCHNOOKS.
- HOW WELL YOU PUT IT.
- OH, HELLO, DEAN.
- HELLO, POMFRITT.
GOODBYE, GILLIS.
- GOODBYE, DEAN.
GOODBYE, MR. POMFRITT.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
- COME AND SEE ME SOMETIME.
- YES, I WILL,
MR. POMFRITT. BYE.
- WELL, POMFRITT.
I MUST SAY YOUR STUDENTS SHOW A
GREAT DEAL OF AFFECTION FOR YOU.
HONESTY COMPELS
ME TO SAY, HOWEVER,
THAT THIS AFFECTION IS NOT
SHARED BY THE ADMINISTRATION.
- NOW WHAT HAVE I DONE?
- IT'S WHAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE.
YOU TEACH BIOLOGY, DON'T YOU?
- YES, AND POETRY AND
HISTORY AND ECONOMICS,
PLUS I COACH THE DEBATING
AND FENCING TEAMS.
- WELL, LET'S JUST STICK TO
BIOLOGY FOR THE MOMENT.
ARE YOU AWARE, POMFRITT,
THAT THE UNITED STATES
PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICE
HAS ADVERTISED FOR BIDS FOR
A NEW EXPERIMENTAL VACCINE?
- NO, SIR.
- OF COURSE NOT.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT
SOME GO-GETTING BIOLOGY LAB
RUN BY SOME GO-GETTING PROFESSOR
WOULD MAKE A TIDY LITTLE
PROFIT FOR HIS UNIVERSITY, HM?
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
- NO, SIR, I WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
- OF COURSE NOT.
YOU'RE AN EGGHEAD.
- THAT'S RIGHT, I'M AN...
DEAN! DID YOU SAY THAT THE
GOVERNMENT WAS LOOKING FOR A LAB
TO GROW A NEW
EXPERIMENTAL VACCINE?
- AH, SO YOU WERE LISTENING.
- WELL, I MAY NOT BE A GO-GETTER
OR A WHEELER AND DEALER,
BUT I KNOW BIOLOGY.
- SO DO I. SO WHAT?
- SO WHERE DO YOU
GROW A VACCINE CULTURE?
- IN FRESH EGGS, OF COURSE!
- AHA!
- AHA WHAT?
THERE ISN'T AN EGG TO BE
HAD IN THE WHOLE STATE!
DON'T YOU THINK
I'VE BEEN TRYING?
- HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?
- THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS.
WHY?
- WHAT WOULD YOU
SAY IF I WAS TO TELL YOU
THAT I KNOW WHERE TO
PUT MY HANDS ON MORE EGGS
THAN YOU'VE SEEN
IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?
- I'D SAY THAT YOU
WERE CRACKING UP!
- BOY, HAVE YOU GOT A
SURPRISE COMING, DEAN, BABY.
- AND, FURTHERMORE,
POMFRITT... DEAN, BABY?
- DOBIE? DOBIE?
- YES, SIR?
- DOBIE, MY MERCHANT PRINCE,
COME BACK IN HERE ON THE DOUBLE.
- YES, SIR!
- NOW WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE, POMFRITT?
- JUST RELAX A
MINUTE, DEAN, BABY.
YOU'LL FIND OUT.
- DEAN, BABY?
- WHAT IS IT, MR. POMFRITT?
- DOBIE, YOU WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHERE THE DEAN HERE
COULD LAY HIS HANDS
ON THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS
OF FRESH-SHELL EGGS, WOULD YOU?
- WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS
THAT I'VE GOT THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS OF FRESH-SHELL EGGS.
- OH, AND WOULD YOU BE WILLING
TO SELL THEM TO THE DEAN?
- DELIGHTED.
- WELL, SIR, WHAT
DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
- JUST CALL ME DEAN, BABY.
- GOOD MORNING, DOBIE.
- OH, HI, DAPHNE.
- I HEARD ALL ABOUT YOUR
BIG EGG DEAL AT SCHOOL.
YOU'RE THE HERO OF THE CAMPUS.
- OH, I DO WHAT I CAN.
- HAVE YOU GOT IT?
- GOT WHAT?
- MY HISTORY HOMEWORK.
- NO, DAPHNE. I DON'T HAVE IT.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
I'M NOT GONNA DO YOUR
HOMEWORK ANYMORE.
- YOU'RE KIDDING!
- NO, DAPHNE.
A LONG TIME AGO, YOU AGREED I
WAS A WHIZ IN POETRY AND HISTORY
AND LIKE THAT, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- BUT I WAS A KNUCKLEHEAD
IN BUSINESS AND FINANCE.
WELL, I JUST PROVED I'M NOT
SUCH A KNUCKLEHEAD AFTER ALL.
NOW THINK IT OVER, DAPHNE.
A MAN WHO KNOWS ART AND CULTURE
AND ALSO BUSINESS AND FINANCE,
WELL, A MAN LIKE
THAT'S QUITE A CATCH.
- BUT...
- I MEAN, A MAN LIKE THAT
DOESN'T HAVE TO DO
A GIRL'S HOMEWORK
IN ORDER TO HANG ONTO HER.
AND A GIRL WHO FINDS
HERSELF A MAN LIKE THAT
CAN COUNT HERSELF PRETTY LUCKY.
NOW THINK IT OVER,
DAPHNE, THINK IT OVER.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
- TO THINK IT OVER.
- DAPHNE?
- AND I THINK PRETTY SLOW.
IT MAY TAKE SEVERAL YEARS.
- MY POOR BABY.
- DON'T PAMPER HIM NOW, WINNIE!
CHIN UP, SON. NOBODY
LIKES A CRYBABY.
- SURE, DAD.
- REMEMBER THAT OLD
THING, BOY, ABOUT...
LAUGH AND THE WORLD
LAUGHS WITH YOU,
CRY AND YOU CRY ALONE.
BUT THE MAN WORTHWHILE
IS THE ONE WHO CAN SMILE WHEN
EVERYTHING GOES DEAD WRONG.
- HEY, GREAT!
COME HERE, DAD. I WANT
YOU TO DO SOME SMILING.
- HUH?
- DAD, REMEMBER HOW THE
COLLEGE BOUGHT THOSE EGGS
FOR THAT EXPERIMENT?
- OH, YEAH, AND I WAS
SURE PROUD OF YOU, BOY,
UNLOADING ALL THAT
15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
- YEAH. WELL, DAD,
THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY
TAKE ALL 15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
- OH?
- DAD, START SMILING.
- OH?
HAVE AN EARLY CLASS?
YOU BETTER BE GOING.
- WE'RE GETTING A RIDE, MOM.
WE'RE GONNA BE
PICKED UP IN A MINUTE.
- OH, WHY, OF COURSE, THEY'RE
GOING TO BE PICKED UP, WINNIE.
WHY, YOU DON'T EXPECT
THESE POOR BOYS
TO WALK FOR 15
CONSECUTIVE MINUTES
ON THOSE WOBBLY LITTLE
LEGS OF THEIRS, DO YOU?
- WHO'S PICKING YOU UP, DEAR?
- A PRINCESS, A QUEEN,
A VISION OF LOVELINESS.
- A CHICK.
- HI, DOBIE. HI, MAYNARD.
HAVE YOU GOT IT?
- OH, HI, DAPHNE, MY
HEART. IT'S RIGHT HERE.
VOILÀ.
- DOBIE, THIS IS MARVELOUS!
EARLY TRENDS IN
PERUVIAN ARCHITECTURE.
HOW CUTE!
- AHEM!
- OH, MOM, DAD? THIS
IS DAPHNE WINSETT,
THE FUTURE MRS. DOBIE GILLIS
IF EVERYTHING GOES
ACCORDING TO PLAN.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
- JUST A MOMENT, DID YOU
SAY YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
- MRS. GILLIS, MR. GILLIS,
YOU HAVE A VERY CUTE BOY
EVEN THOUGH HIS IMAGINATION HAS
A TENDENCY TO RUN AWAY WITH HIM.
- BUT THERE'S NOTHING SERIOUS
BETWEEN YOU AND DOBIE?
- WHAT A RIDICULOUS IDEA.
- YOU THINK MY BOY
DOBIE'S RIDICULOUS?
- OH, NO! I THINK
DOBIE'S DARLING.
- BUT THERE'S NOTHING
SERIOUS BETWEEN YOU?
- HOW COULD THERE
BE? DOBIE'S A DREAMER.
ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS
CULTURE AND ART AND POETRY.
ME, ON THE OTHER HAND,
WHAT I LIKE IS BUSINESS
AND COMMERCE AND FINANCE.
- AND LOOT.
- WELL, IF THERE IS
SUCH A VAST DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN YOU AND DOBIE,
HOW COME YOU'RE ALL
THE TIME HANGING AROUND?
- WELL, HE'S NICE-LOOKING...
- YEAH.
- AND HE'S A GOOD DANCER...
- YEAH.
- AND HE HAS A NICE
SENSE OF HUMOR.
- YEAH.
- AND HE DOES YOUR HOMEWORK.
- AND HE DOES MY HOMEWORK.
- YEAH.
[JAZZ THEME]
- LIKE DAPHNE WINSETT SAID,
I'M A MAN WHO'S INTERESTED
IN TRUTH AND BEAUTY,
BUT WHAT DAPHNE WANTS
IS A MAN WHO'S INTERESTED
IN BUSINESS AND FINANCE.
SO I, DOBIE GILLIS,
POET AND DREAMER,
AM GONNA TURN INTO DOBIE
GILLIS, FINANCIER AND TYCOON,
AND RIGHT NOW.
- YOU, MR. GILLIS, ARE
TAKING ECONOMICS?
- YOU, MR. POMFRITT, ARE
TEACHING ECONOMICS?
- I ASKED YOU FIRST.
WHAT IS AN UNLIKELY TYPE LIKE
YOU DOING IN AN ECONOMICS CLASS?
AND, OH, WHAT A
FOOLISH QUESTION.
WHO IS SHE?
- HER NAME'S DAPHNE WINSETT.
- WELL, THAT ACCOUNTS
FOR YOU, MR. GILLIS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, MR. KREBS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M WITH DOBE.
- THAT'S YOUR ONLY REASON.
- RIGHT.
OH, AND A WORD OF
WARNING TO YOU, SIR.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- IF YOU TRY TO
THROW ME OUT, I CRY.
- STAY, MR. KREBS.
BY ALL MEANS, STAY.
- OKAY, MR. POMFRITT,
IT'S YOUR TURN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN ECONOMICS?
- YEAH, MR. POMFRITT, I MEAN,
YOU TEACH HISTORY AND POETRY
AND BIOLOGY AND ALL THAT JAZZ.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT ECONOMICS?
- VERY LITTLE, AS I AM
ABOUT TO DEMONSTRATE.
HOWEVER, THE DEAN TOLD ME
THIS MORNING TO TEACH ECONOMICS
AND ONE DOES NOT
ARGUE WITH THE DEAN.
- AH, I'M SURE YOU'LL
BE VERY GOOD AT IT.
- I'M NOT.
- NOR AM I.
HOWEVER, LET US
BE OF GOOD HEART.
PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS
AND TOGETHER WE WILL VENTURE
INTO THE UNEXPLORED JUNGLE
OF MONEY AND BANKING.
- OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!
- YOU WANT A TYCOON,
I'LL BE A TYCOON.
- OH, DOBIE, DON'T BE SILLY.
WHY DON'T YOU STICK
TO ART AND POETRY
AND LEAVE THE FINANCE
TO THE FINANCIERS?
- GOOD THINKING.
- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE.
- I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO TAKE
OVER THIS CLASS IN ECONOMICS
FROM PROFESSOR RANDOLPH
WHO HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO
REACH RETIREMENT AGE LAST FRIDAY.
NOW MY TEACHING ECONOMICS
MAY TURN OUT TO BE
ONE OF THE MAJOR ERRORS
IN THE HISTORY OF
HIGHER EDUCATION.
I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT
APPLICATIONS FOR TRANSFER
AT THE END OF THE HOUR.
MEANWHILE, LET US TAKE UP
THE SUBJECT OF MARKETING.
CAN ANYONE HERE GIVE
ME A NICE BRIEF DEFINITION
OF THE WORD MAR...
YOU, MR. KREBS?
ON YOUR FIRST DAY?
- MR. G. DOES IT. THAT'S
DOBE'S FATHER, MR. G.
WHAT HE DOES, HE GOES DOWN TO
THE MARKET WITH THEM FARMER CATS
AND HE SNEERS AND SAYS,
"I WOULDN'T FEED THEM
CARROTS TO A CONDEMNED HORSE!"
THEN HE JUST WALKS
AWAY AND SHAKES HIS HEAD
AND HE GETS THEM CARROTS DOWN
TO ABOUT SEVEN CENTS A BUNCH.
HE TAKES THEM
BACK TO THE GROCERY
AND MARKS THEM
TO 49 CENTS A BUNCH.
- MAYNARD, CEASE AND DESIST!
- THEN MY MOTHER COMES IN
AND LOOKS AT 'EM AND YELLS,
"49 CENTS A BUNCH
FOR THEM CARROTS?
WHAT? ARE THEY, LIKE, DIPPED
IN PLATINUM?" AND THEN MY...
- MAYNARD!
ENOUGH.
NOW I THINK YOU'VE GOT
THE GENERAL IDEA, MAYNARD.
BUT WE'RE DEALING HERE
WITH A BROADER CONCEPTION
OF THE TERM MARKETING.
NOW CAN ANYONE ELSE GIVE...
- EXCUSE ME, PROFESSOR POMFRITT,
BUT THIS IS PRETTY
ELEMENTARY STUFF.
PROFESSOR RANDOLPH HAD
US ALL THE WAY TO PAGE 97.
- I SEE.
PUTS YOU ROUGHLY
96 PAGES AHEAD OF ME.
WHAT IS YOUR
ASSIGNMENT FOR TODAY?
- COMMODITY FUTURES.
- WHAT FUTURES?
- OH, LIKE EGGS,
WHEAT, BUTTER, COTTON.
SEE, TODAY'S QUOTATIONS FROM
THE CHICAGO COMMODITY EXCHANGE
ARE ON THE BOARD.
WE EACH INVESTED $5,000,
HYPOTHETICALLY, OF COURSE.
THE IDEA IS TO BUY WHEN
THE COMMODITY IS LOW
AND SELL WHEN IT'S HIGH.
- WELL, THEN I TAKE IT EVERYONE
IN CLASS HAS PICKED A COMMODITY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- OH, WELL, THEN WHY DON'T
WE HAVE A PROGRESS REPORT?
WE'LL START WITH
YOU, MISS WINSETT.
- WELL, I'M SPECULATING
IN EGG FUTURES.
I BOUGHT 15,000 DOZEN
FRESH-SHELL EGGS MONDAY
AT 29 CENTS AND
THEY'RE UP TO TWO CENTS
WHICH GIVES ME A
$300 PROFIT SO FAR.
- CONGRATULATIONS. NOW, MR...
- BUT PROFESSOR POMFRITT?
- YES?
- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
ASK WHETHER I'M SELLING
OR STAYING WITH MY PURCHASE.
- ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU SELLING
OR STAYING WITH YOUR PURCHASE?
- I'M STAYING, BECAUSE
EGGS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY
AND THEY SHOULD
KEEP RISING IN PRICE.
- FINE. NOW, MR...
- PROFESSOR POMFRITT?
- YES?
- PROFESSOR RANDOLPH ALWAYS
GRADES US ON OUR DECISIONS
AND EXPLAINS WHETHER
THEY'RE GOOD OR BAD.
- THAT'S WHAT PROFESSOR
RANDOLPH ALWAYS DOES, HUH?
- YES, SIR.
- WELL, I TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA DISMISS THE CLASS
AND GO DO SOME HOMEWORK.
MAYBE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS,
I'LL CATCH UP WITH
THE REST OF YOU.
CLASS DISMISSED.
OH, HELLO, DEAN.
- WELL, THAT'S AN
AUSPICIOUS START.
YOUR CLASS LASTED
EXACTLY 10 MINUTES.
- WELL, THAT WAS
10 MINUTES TOO LONG
CONSIDERING THE
PREPARATION I HAD.
- POMFRITT, I LIKE YOU.
YOU'RE AN INTELLIGENT,
SCHOLARLY MAN AND THAT'S GOOD.
- WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
- BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TODAY.
CLASSWORK IS FINE IN ITS WAY,
BUT DON'T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY.
YOU SHOULD GET AROUND MORE.
MEET PEOPLE, MAKE
CONTACTS, GIVE TALKS, OPERATE,
WHEEL AND DEAL.
PUT S. PETER PRYOR
JUNIOR COLLEGE ON THE MAP.
- WELL, I WAS KIND OF
UNDER THE IMPRESSION
THAT YOU'D HIRED ME TO TEACH.
- SO I DID, POMFRITT, SO I DID.
BUT THERE'S MUCH
MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
DO YOU KNOW THERE ARE MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS KICKING AROUND
FOR RESEARCH GRANTS,
GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS,
NEW LABORATORIES, NEW BUILDINGS?
- WELL, I SUPPOSE THERE ARE,
BUT WHAT'S THAT
GOT TO DO WITH ME?
- WHY, EVERYTHING, MAN.
THE COLLEGES THAT
GET ALL THAT LOOT
ARE THE COLLEGES WHERE
THE TEACHERS MAKE A SPLASH.
- I'M AFRAID I'M NOT
THE SPLASHY TYPE.
- YES, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE RIGHT.
- I HAVE ONLY ONE SERIOUS
FAILING AS A TEACHER.
ALL I CAN DO IS TEACH.
- WELL, I GUESS EVERY COLLEGE
GETS STUCK WITH A FEW LIKE YOU.
- THOSE ARE THE BREAKS.
- CARRY ON, POMFRITT.
- OH, AND THANKS FOR
THE WORDS OF INSPIRATION
AND GUIDANCE, SIR.
- ANYTIME, SON, ANYTIME.
- BUT, DOBIE, WHO
ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU'LL NEVER LEARN ECONOMICS.
- DAPHNE, DAPHNE, YES, I WILL.
- NO, HE WON'T.
- TAKE TODAY'S CLASS IN
MARKETING, FOR INSTANCE.
DID YOU UNDERSTAND
ONE WORD OF IT?
- WHY, SURE.
- ALL RIGHT. WHAT WERE
THEY TALKING ABOUT?
- COMMODITIES.
- HE'S GOT YOU THERE, GIRL.
- AND WHAT ARE COMMODITIES?
- WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS
WHAT COMMODITIES ARE.
- I DON'T.
- AND NEITHER DOES DOBIE.
- WELL, I'LL LEARN.
- LEARNING ISN'T ENOUGH.
ANY FOOL CAN UNDERSTAND ABOUT
EGGS AND BUTTER AND SOYBEANS
AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
BUT TO KNOW WHEN TO
BUY AND WHEN TO SELL,
IT'S GOTTA BE IN YOUR BLOOD.
AND YOU, DEAR DOBIE,
HAVE THE BLOOD OF A POET.
- NO, DAPHNE, I'LL LEARN
HOW TO BUY AND SELL TOO.
- WHAT'S THE USE, DOBE?
EVEN IF YOU DO LEARN,
WHICH YOU WON'T,
WHERE YOU GONNA GET THE LOOT?
YOU SEE WHERE THOSE KIDS WERE
TOSSING MONEY AROUND THAT CLASS?
MAN, THEY MUST
BE ALL, LIKE, LOADED.
- MAYNARD, THAT MONEY
WAS JUST ON PAPER.
- WHO CARES WHERE YOU KEEP
IT? ON PAPER? IN YOUR SHOES?
YOU COULD EVEN LINE YOUR
UNDIES WITH IT, NO OFFENSE.
- MAYNARD, THAT WAS
HYPOTHETICAL MONEY.
IT'S NOT FOR REAL.
- YOU MEAN IT'S LIKE
PRETEND MONEY?
- THAT'S RIGHT.
AND PRETEND MONEY IS
THE ONLY KIND OF MONEY
YOU AND YOUR DREAMY FRIEND
HERE ARE EVER GONNA HAVE.
SO, DOBIE, LET'S NOT TRY
TO BE WHAT WE'RE NOT.
FORGET ABOUT ECONOMICS
AND JUST GO ON BEING THE
SWEET, PENNILESS DREAMY SCHNOOK
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
GOODBYE, DOBIE, DEAR.
- I'LL SHOW HER. SOMEDAY
I'LL PROVE TO HER
THAT I'M HARD AND KEEN
AND PRACTICAL AND SHREWD.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- I'LL STUDY
ECONOMICS REAL HARD.
I'LL BUY AND SELL THOSE
COMMODITIES SO WELL
THAT, AT THE END
OF THE SEMESTER,
I'LL HAVE MORE
HYPOTHETICAL MONEY
THAN ANY KID IN THE WHOLE CLASS.
- YOU? OH, COME NOW.
- AND IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE.
I'LL JUST BUY
WHATEVER DAPHNE BUYS.
- HEY, GOOD THINKING!
TOO BAD YOU HAVE TO
DO IT WITH PRETEND MONEY
INSTEAD OF USING,
LIKE, REAL MONEY
'CAUSE THEN YOU'D
REALLY HAVE REAL MONEY
AND YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
TO PRETEND IT WAS REAL.
- MAYNARD...
MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
YOU'VE JUST GIVEN ME AN IDEA.
- ME? OH, COME NOW.
- LISTEN CAREFULLY. I'LL
BUY WHATEVER DAPHNE BUYS.
ONLY WHEN I BUY, IT
WON'T BE HYPOTHETICAL.
I'LL PUT DOWN HARD CASH.
- BRILLIANT, DOBE.
- AND I'LL GET RICH, REALLY
RICH, NOT JUST ON PAPER.
AND DAPHNE WILL
BE MINE, MINE, MINE.
- BRILLIANT,
BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT.
- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
- ONLY ONE THING WRONG.
- WHAT?
- THIS HARD CASH TO INVEST?
WHERE YOU GONNA GET IT?
- MAYNARD HAD PUT HIS
FINGER RIGHT ON THE PROBLEM.
WHERE WAS I GONNA GET SOME
GOOD HARD CASH TO INVEST?
WELL, THE ANSWER
WASN'T TOO TOUGH.
I'D MAKE A LITTLE
LOAN, SAY, $500.
WHO'D LEND ME $500?
WELL, NATURALLY THE FIRST
PERSON I THOUGHT OF WAS...
- ME? $500?
- DOBIE, DEAR, YOUR
FATHER'S RIGHT.
WE'RE REALLY NOT IN A
POSITION TO LEND YOU $500.
HOWEVER, I ADMIRE YOUR AMBITION
AND I'M PREPARED TO HELP
YOU IN EVERY WAY THAT I CAN.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO? GIVE HIM A SIDE OF BEEF?
WINNIE, YOUR COAT!
WHY, THAT COAT COST US
TWO WHOLE SUMMER VACATIONS!
- HUSH! THIS THING
NEEDS CLEANING
AND THE LINING IS RIPPED.
- MOM, YOU'RE ALL HEART.
- SO IF YOU'LL TAKE THIS IN
FOR CLEANING AND SEWING,
I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR!
THERE! ISN'T THAT A GOOD START?
- THANKS A LOT, MOM.
OKAY, CALL ME WEAK.
- YOU'RE WEAK!
- OKAY, CALL ME SNEAKY.
- YOU'RE SNEAKY!
- THAT WAS A ROTTEN,
SHAMEFUL THING I DID,
HOCKING MY MOM'S FUR COAT.
BUT WHAT COULD I DO?
I HAD TO HAVE DAPHNE
WINSETT. I HAD TO.
SO I PUT MY PLAN INTO
OPERATION IMMEDIATELY.
I WENT TO SEE A BROKER.
NATURALLY, I DIDN'T WANT HIM
TO THINK I WAS JUST A GREEN KID,
SO I KIND OF SPRUCED UP
A LITTLE FOR THE OCCASION.
THE NAME'S GILLIS, SON. I
EXPECT YOU HEARD OF ME.
- I'M NOT SURE THAT I HAVE.
- WELL, POSSIBLY NOT.
I TRY TO KEEP MY OPERATIONS
AS QUIET AS POSSIBLE.
YOU DO UNDERSTAND.
- OF COURSE, MR. GILLIS.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
- OH, THANK YOU, SON, THANK YOU.
- CAN I ORDER YOU
SOME COFFEE, SIR?
- IF YOU DON'T MIND, SON,
I'D PREFER A GLASS OF MI...
NO, THANKS, SON. I PASS.
- NOW THEN, WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU, SIR?
- I'VE HEARD SOME GOOD THINGS
ABOUT YOUR FIRM, METGANG,
MIGHTY GOOD THINGS.
- THANK YOU, SIR.
- SO I THOUGHT I MIGHT
TAKE A LITTLE FLYER WITH YOU
IN A SMALL WAY, OF COURSE.
- WELL, I'M SURE YOU'LL BE
SATISFIED WITH OUR SERVICE,
MR. GILLIS.
NOW PRECISELY WHAT
ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?
- COMMODITY FUTURES, SON,
TO BE PRECISE, EGGS, HEN EGGS.
- AHA. I HAPPEN TO
AGREE WITH YOU, SIR.
EGGS ARE A VERY
SMART BUY RIGHT NOW.
- WELL, I DIDN'T GET WHERE I GOT
BY BEING STUPID, HUH, METGANG?
- OF COURSE, LET ME
BUZZ MY ASSOCIATES.
- NO, NO! DON'T
TELL ANYBODY ELSE.
I MEAN, LET'S DO THIS
AS QUIETLY AS WE CAN.
I MEAN, IF THE WORD GETS
OUT THAT GILLIS IS BUYING...
- SAY NO MORE.
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO SOMETHING,
OH, IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
OF $10,000 OR $12,000 TODAY?
- WELL, HAVE YOU GOT ANY
OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS?
- $, 7,500?
- WELL, I'M SPREAD
A BIT THIN FOR THAT.
WHAT'S THE SMALLEST BUY?
- LET ME SEE.
15,000 DOZEN EGGS, THAT'S $5,000
WHICH MAKES THE MARGIN $500.
- THAT'S ROUGHLY
WHAT I WAS THINKING.
NOW LET'S RUN OVER
THE PROFIT PICTURE AGAIN.
WHEN THE EGGS GO UP LIKE THAT...
- NOW MR. FUNK'S
LARD IS UP TWO CENTS.
THAT MAKES $200 AND
HE'S STAYING WITH IT.
VERY GOOD.
NOW, MISS WINSETT?
- MY EGGS HAVE GONE UP
THREE AND A HALF CENTS.
THAT'S ANOTHER $525.
- HMM.
- I'M STAYING WITH THEM
BECAUSE THE BROKER'S
COLUMN IN THE "JOURNAL"
SAID THAT JET AIRCRAFT OVER
THE NORTHERN POULTRY FARMS
ARE UNSETTLING THE HENS
AND EGGS ARE CONTINUING
IN SHORT SUPPLY.
- EXCELLENT.
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT FUTURE
AS A BROKER, MISS WINSETT.
HOW ABOUT YOU, MR. GILLIS?
- I'M WITH DAPHNE. I
BOUGHT EGGS TOO.
- WELL, THAT'S MORE INTELLIGENT
THAN I COULD HAVE EXPECTED.
AND YOU, MR. KREBS?
- COULD I BARTER,
LIKE, 10,000 OR SO?
- I TAKE IT CARIBBEAN
COPRA IS STILL FALLING.
- YEAH, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE
A FLYER ON TUNISIAN TIN FOIL.
I FIGURE WITH THE TV
DINNER SEASON COMING UP,
I'M GONNA CLEAN UP BECAUSE...
[CLASS BELL RINGS]
- WE'LL TAKE UP YOUR
CASE TOMORROW, MR. KREBS.
CLASS DISMISSED!
- DAPHNE! DAPHNE?
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND ADORABLE
AND SMART AND DESIRABLE AND
KEEN AND YUMMY AND SHREWD
AND WONDERFUL?
- OF COURSE.
- AND YOU'RE THE GREATEST
EGG EXPERT IN THE COUNTRY.
- IS THAT ALL IT TAKES
TO IMPRESS YOU?
A SIMPLE LITTLE
MARKETING PROBLEM?
- TO YOU, IT'S A SIMPLE
LITTLE MARKETING PROBLEM.
TO ME, IT'S THE KEY TO
PARADISE, AND TO MY MOTHER...
- YOUR MOTHER?
- WITH HER COAT AND YOUR
BRAINS, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
METGANG, THIS IS
GET-RICH-QUICK GILLIS.
I COULDN'T GET OVER
TO THE TICKER TODAY.
WHAT'S THE PICTURE?
$925, HUH?
NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.
HELLO, METGANG. HOW'D
MY EGGS DO TODAY?
$1,255, HUH?
NO, NO, I'VE GOT MY EXPERTS
WATCHING IT AND I'M STAYING IN.
HELLO, METGANG. GILLIS HERE.
HOW'S EVERYTHING AT THE
OMELET FOUNDRY TODAY?
UP ANOTHER CENT?
WHAT?
- SELL NOW.
- SELL?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS,
MY GOOD MAN.
- BUT, MR. GILLIS, I WISH
YOU'D TAKE MY ADVICE
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
THE MARKET IS AT A
COMPLETE STANDSTILL.
- METGANG, PLEASE.
I MUST REMIND YOU
THAT THEY'RE MY EGGS
AND I'LL SELL THEM
WHEN I'M READY!
POOR MAN.
APPARENTLY, THE
BIG MONEY PANICS HIM.
- DOBIE? DOBIE GILLIS?
- YES, MOM?
- AREN'T YOU FORGETTING
PART OF OUR BARGAIN?
- WHAT BARGAIN?
- I GAVE YOU A DOLLAR TO TAKE MY
COAT TO THE CLEANERS DAYS AGO.
- OH, YEAH.
- WELL, DEAR, THAT DOLLAR
WAS FOR A ROUND TRIP.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
PICK IT UP TOO, YOU KNOW.
- OH, SURE, WELL, IT MAY
BE A FEW DAYS YET, MOM.
- A FEW DAYS?
- AND I MAY HAVE A
LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU.
HOW'D YOU LIKE A NICE BIG
SEALSKIN MUFF TO GO WITH IT?
- DOBIE, BE SERIOUS.
THAT COAT IS THE
BEST THING I OWN.
- MAYBE WE'LL GET
YOU A MINK OR A SABLE.
THEN YOU CAN WEAR THE
SEALSKIN FOR EVERYDAY.
- JUST EXACTLY
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
- MOM, THEY LAUGHED AT THE OLD
EASYGOING AND PRACTICAL DOBIE.
NOW THERE'S BEEN
SOME CHANGES MADE.
TRUST ME FOR A
COUPLE OF MORE DAYS
AND I'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
BYE, MOM.
- OH, I SEE.
WELL, I'LL PROBABLY GET THE
HANG OF THIS COMMODITY BUSINESS
BY THE END OF THE SEMESTER.
MEANWHILE, I MUST SAY
THAT YOU ALL IMPRESS ME
WITH YOUR SAVVY IN MARKETING.
THERE'S ONLY ONE
STUDENT IN THE CLASS
WHO'S LOST MONEY IN COMMODITIES.
- IT'S ONLY THREE BUCKS AND
MY LUCK'S BOUND TO CHANGE.
- NO, MR. KREBS.
THAT DECIMAL POINT IS
WAY OVER ON THE RIGHT.
IT'S 300,000 BUCKS.
WELL, LET'S FINISH UP NOW.
YOUR REPORT,
PLEASE, MISS WINSETT?
- EGGS WENT UP ANOTHER
TWO CENTS YESTERDAY.
MY TOTAL PROFIT WAS
$1,150 AND, OF COURSE I SOLD.
- SPLENDID.
THAT KIND OF MONEY
GETS AN A-PLUS IN MY BOOK.
MR. GILLIS, I SUPPOSE YOU
FOLLOWED OUR FAIR WIZARD'S LEAD?
- NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
EGGS ARE STILL GOING
UP AND I'M NOT SELLING.
I'M WAITING TILL THEY SLOW DOWN.
- I SEE.
- JUST A MINUTE, DOBIE.
PROFESSOR POMFRITT,
YOU HAD TO SELL YESTERDAY.
- WHO HAD TO SELL?
- ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T WANT
TO TAKE DELIVERY ON THE EGGS,
THAT'S WHO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- BECAUSE YESTERDAY
WAS SPOT DAY, GENIUS.
THE 15th IS CLOSING DAY IN
THE CHICAGO EGG MARKET.
- SPOT DAY? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- YES, DAPHNE, WHAT
DOES THAT MEAN?
- IT MEANS IF YOU
DON'T SELL ON SPOT DAY,
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO ACCEPT
DELIVERY ON THE COMMODITY.
- YOU MEAN IF, FOR INSTANCE,
SOMEBODY BOUGHT
15,000 DOZEN EGGS
AND DIDN'T SELL THEM YESTERDAY,
THEY'D ACTUALLY DELIVER
15,000 DOZEN EGGS TO HIM?
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU.
TELL ME SOMETHING, DOBIE.
DO YOU OFTEN TURN
A BRIGHT, VIVID GREEN?
- THAT'S RIGHT, MR. GILLIS.
YOU NOW OWN 15,000
DOZEN FRESH-SHELL EGGS.
- I THOUGHT THAT'S
WHAT YOU SAID.
- YOU'RE CERTAINLY A
COOL ONE, MR. GILLIS.
I REALIZED YESTERDAY WHEN
YOU WOULDN'T LET ME SELL OUT,
YOU HAD PLANS FOR THOSE EGGS.
- OH, YEAH. US GILLISES
ARE BIG EATERS.
- WELL, TO THE MATTER AT HAND,
YOUR FREIGHT CARLOAD
OF EGGS WILL BE ARRIVING
AT THE GROVE STREET SIDING...
- GROVE STREET SIDING.
- IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
JUST LET ME KNOW ABOUT
YOUR WAREHOUSE FACILITIES...
- WAREHOUSE FACILITIES.
- THE FLEETS OF TRUCKS AND SO ON
AND YOUR CHECK FOR THE $4,500...
- $4,500...
WILL BE DUE WHEN
THE EGGS ARRIVE.
SO CONGRATULATIONS AND I
HOPE TO BE SEEING MORE OF YOU.
- THANK YOU, MR. METGANG.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU AND MRS. METGANG WILL
HAVE TO DROP OVER TO THE HOUSE
SOMETIME FOR EGGNOG.
- YOU PAWNED MY FUR COAT?
- AND YOU SPENT THE
MONEY TO BUY EGGS WITH?
- I KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE,
BUT I SAW A CHANCE
TO MAKE A NICE PROFIT.
AND IT WASN'T JUST FOR ME.
IT WAS FOR ALL OF US.
- YOU DID A WRONG THING, DOBIE,
BUT I CAN'T FIND IT IN MY
HEART TO BE TOO HARD ON YOU.
- WELL, ME NEITHER, SON.
I GUESS YOU JUST GOT
MERCHANDISING IN YOUR BLOOD,
YOU KNOW, JUST
LIKE YOUR OLD MAN.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA HELP YOU
GET RID OF THEM EGGS.
HOW MANY YOU GOT?
- 15,000 DOZEN.
- 15,000 DOZEN, HUH?
WELL, I'LL JUST SET UP A
LITTLE DISPLAY HERE, SEE,
AND MAYBE I'LL
TAKE AN AD IN THE...
15,000 DOZEN?
- I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT.
- SEEMS LIKE A LOT? BOY,
YOU ARE UNDER-PLAYING!
THERE AIN'T THAT
MANY WORKING HENS
IN THE WHOLE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA,
INCLUDING MINNEAPOLIS
AND ST. PAUL!
THAT'S MORE DOZEN EGGS
THAN THERE ARE PEOPLE
IN THIS WHOLE TOWN!
- I DON'T NEED MY COAT.
I CAN JUST SPEND THE REST
OF MY LIFE IN THE STORE.
- DAD, I HATE TO ASK
AT A TIME LIKE THIS,
BUT WHEN THE EGGS ARRIVE...
- YES?
- I'LL NEED ANOTHER $4,500.
- $4,500?
- JUST UNTIL I SELL
THE EGGS, OF COURSE.
- WINNIE?
DON'T DEPEND ON SPENDING
THE REST OF YOUR
LIFE IN THE STORE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SELL IT
TO PAY FOR THAT GUY'S EGGS!
- ALL RIGHT, CALL ME A RAT.
- YOU RAT!
- CALL ME A SKUNK.
- YOU SKUNK!
- NEVER MIND!
BUT THAT'S WHAT I
AM, A RAT AND A SKUNK,
A RAT AND A SKUNK
WITH 15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
WHERE WAS I GONNA
GET RID OF THEM?
WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?
- YOUR TROUBLES ARE
OVER, GOOD BUDDY!
- MAYNARD! MAYNARD,
YOU SOLD THE EGGS!
- EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!
- MAYNARD, I COULD KISS YOU!
- WELL, JUST A LITTLE
ONE ON THE CHEEK.
- NEVER MIND.
MAYNARD, WHERE'D
YOU SELL THE EGGS?
- WELL, I WAS READING
IN THE NEWSPAPER
WHERE THE GIRL SCOUTS ARE
GONNA HAVE A NATIONAL JAMBOREE,
SO I WENT TO SEE THE
HEAD GIRL SCOUT LADY
AND I SAID, "HEAD
GIRL SCOUT LADY,
WHAT'S A JAMBOREE
WITHOUT HARDBOILED EGGS?"
AND SHE SAID, "MR. KREBS"...
THAT'S WHAT SHE
CALLED ME, MR. KREBS.
HOW ABOUT THAT, DOBE?
THEY DON'T EVEN CALL
MY FATHER MR. KREBS.
- MAYNARD, WHAT'D SHE SAY?
- WHO?
- THE HEAD GIRL SCOUT LADY.
- OH, SHE SAID, "MR. KREBS,
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT."
HOW ABOUT THAT, DOBE,
CALLING ME MR. KREBS.
THEY DON'T EVEN
CALL MY FATHER...
- MAYNARD, WE ALREADY DID THAT.
- OH. SHE SAID SHE'D TAKE
EVERY ONE OF THE EGGS
WHEN THEY HAD THE JAMBOREE.
- OH, MAYNARD, MAYNARD,
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
WHEN'S THE JAMBOREE?
- SIX MONTHS FROM LAST TUESDAY.
DON'T BE OF FAINT
HEART, GOOD BUDDY.
I GOT, LIKE, ANOTHER
SWINGIN' IDEA!
LIKE, BEHOLD!
ONLY 235 SHOPPING
DAYS UNTIL EASTER!
GET YOUR EASTER EGGS NOW!
- MAYNARD, HOW CAN
I THANK YOU ENOUGH?
- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
- OH, IT'S NO USE, MAYNARD.
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
I CAN DO, ONLY ONE THING.
- YOU'RE QUITTING SCHOOL?
- YES, SIR. I CAME
TO SAY GOODBYE.
- WELL NOW, HOLD ON, DOBIE.
DON'T GET DISCOURAGED.
WHY, I THINK YOU'RE
REALLY BEGINNING
TO GET THE HANG OF ECONOMICS.
- I THINK NOT.
SIR, YOU REMEMBER
THOSE EGG FUTURES
I WAS BUYING HYPOTHETICALLY?
- YEAH.
- WELL, IT WASN'T HYPOTHETICAL.
I REALLY BOUGHT THEM
AND I REALLY OWN THEM,
15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
AND I'M QUITTING SCHOOL TO
GET A JOB TO MAKE THE MONEY
TO PAY BACK MY FATHER.
- OH, DOBIE. I CAN'T TELL
YOU HOW SORRY I AM,
AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
IF I'D KNOWN MY COURSE PROPERLY,
I WOULD HAVE TAUGHT
YOU TO SELL THOSE EGGS
WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.
- WELL, IF I'D STUDIED HARDER,
I WOULD HAVE KNOWN MYSELF.
- I GUESS WE'RE NEITHER
OF US BUSINESSMEN.
- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
- JUST A COUPLE OF
ACADEMIC SCHNOOKS.
- HOW WELL YOU PUT IT.
- OH, HELLO, DEAN.
- HELLO, POMFRITT.
GOODBYE, GILLIS.
- GOODBYE, DEAN.
GOODBYE, MR. POMFRITT.
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
- COME AND SEE ME SOMETIME.
- YES, I WILL,
MR. POMFRITT. BYE.
- WELL, POMFRITT.
I MUST SAY YOUR STUDENTS SHOW A
GREAT DEAL OF AFFECTION FOR YOU.
HONESTY COMPELS
ME TO SAY, HOWEVER,
THAT THIS AFFECTION IS NOT
SHARED BY THE ADMINISTRATION.
- NOW WHAT HAVE I DONE?
- IT'S WHAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE.
YOU TEACH BIOLOGY, DON'T YOU?
- YES, AND POETRY AND
HISTORY AND ECONOMICS,
PLUS I COACH THE DEBATING
AND FENCING TEAMS.
- WELL, LET'S JUST STICK TO
BIOLOGY FOR THE MOMENT.
ARE YOU AWARE, POMFRITT,
THAT THE UNITED STATES
PUBLIC HEALTH SERVICE
HAS ADVERTISED FOR BIDS FOR
A NEW EXPERIMENTAL VACCINE?
- NO, SIR.
- OF COURSE NOT.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT
SOME GO-GETTING BIOLOGY LAB
RUN BY SOME GO-GETTING PROFESSOR
WOULD MAKE A TIDY LITTLE
PROFIT FOR HIS UNIVERSITY, HM?
YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
- NO, SIR, I WOULDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
- OF COURSE NOT.
YOU'RE AN EGGHEAD.
- THAT'S RIGHT, I'M AN...
DEAN! DID YOU SAY THAT THE
GOVERNMENT WAS LOOKING FOR A LAB
TO GROW A NEW
EXPERIMENTAL VACCINE?
- AH, SO YOU WERE LISTENING.
- WELL, I MAY NOT BE A GO-GETTER
OR A WHEELER AND DEALER,
BUT I KNOW BIOLOGY.
- SO DO I. SO WHAT?
- SO WHERE DO YOU
GROW A VACCINE CULTURE?
- IN FRESH EGGS, OF COURSE!
- AHA!
- AHA WHAT?
THERE ISN'T AN EGG TO BE
HAD IN THE WHOLE STATE!
DON'T YOU THINK
I'VE BEEN TRYING?
- HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?
- THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS.
WHY?
- WHAT WOULD YOU
SAY IF I WAS TO TELL YOU
THAT I KNOW WHERE TO
PUT MY HANDS ON MORE EGGS
THAN YOU'VE SEEN
IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?
- I'D SAY THAT YOU
WERE CRACKING UP!
- BOY, HAVE YOU GOT A
SURPRISE COMING, DEAN, BABY.
- AND, FURTHERMORE,
POMFRITT... DEAN, BABY?
- DOBIE? DOBIE?
- YES, SIR?
- DOBIE, MY MERCHANT PRINCE,
COME BACK IN HERE ON THE DOUBLE.
- YES, SIR!
- NOW WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE, POMFRITT?
- JUST RELAX A
MINUTE, DEAN, BABY.
YOU'LL FIND OUT.
- DEAN, BABY?
- WHAT IS IT, MR. POMFRITT?
- DOBIE, YOU WOULDN'T
HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHERE THE DEAN HERE
COULD LAY HIS HANDS
ON THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS
OF FRESH-SHELL EGGS, WOULD YOU?
- WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS
THAT I'VE GOT THOUSANDS AND
THOUSANDS OF FRESH-SHELL EGGS.
- OH, AND WOULD YOU BE WILLING
TO SELL THEM TO THE DEAN?
- DELIGHTED.
- WELL, SIR, WHAT
DO YOU SAY TO THAT?
- JUST CALL ME DEAN, BABY.
- GOOD MORNING, DOBIE.
- OH, HI, DAPHNE.
- I HEARD ALL ABOUT YOUR
BIG EGG DEAL AT SCHOOL.
YOU'RE THE HERO OF THE CAMPUS.
- OH, I DO WHAT I CAN.
- HAVE YOU GOT IT?
- GOT WHAT?
- MY HISTORY HOMEWORK.
- NO, DAPHNE. I DON'T HAVE IT.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
I'M NOT GONNA DO YOUR
HOMEWORK ANYMORE.
- YOU'RE KIDDING!
- NO, DAPHNE.
A LONG TIME AGO, YOU AGREED I
WAS A WHIZ IN POETRY AND HISTORY
AND LIKE THAT, TRUE?
- TRUE.
- BUT I WAS A KNUCKLEHEAD
IN BUSINESS AND FINANCE.
WELL, I JUST PROVED I'M NOT
SUCH A KNUCKLEHEAD AFTER ALL.
NOW THINK IT OVER, DAPHNE.
A MAN WHO KNOWS ART AND CULTURE
AND ALSO BUSINESS AND FINANCE,
WELL, A MAN LIKE
THAT'S QUITE A CATCH.
- BUT...
- I MEAN, A MAN LIKE THAT
DOESN'T HAVE TO DO
A GIRL'S HOMEWORK
IN ORDER TO HANG ONTO HER.
AND A GIRL WHO FINDS
HERSELF A MAN LIKE THAT
CAN COUNT HERSELF PRETTY LUCKY.
NOW THINK IT OVER,
DAPHNE, THINK IT OVER.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE.
- WHERE YOU GOING?
- TO THINK IT OVER.
- DAPHNE?
- AND I THINK PRETTY SLOW.
IT MAY TAKE SEVERAL YEARS.
- MY POOR BABY.
- DON'T PAMPER HIM NOW, WINNIE!
CHIN UP, SON. NOBODY
LIKES A CRYBABY.
- SURE, DAD.
- REMEMBER THAT OLD
THING, BOY, ABOUT...
LAUGH AND THE WORLD
LAUGHS WITH YOU,
CRY AND YOU CRY ALONE.
BUT THE MAN WORTHWHILE
IS THE ONE WHO CAN SMILE WHEN
EVERYTHING GOES DEAD WRONG.
- HEY, GREAT!
COME HERE, DAD. I WANT
YOU TO DO SOME SMILING.
- HUH?
- DAD, REMEMBER HOW THE
COLLEGE BOUGHT THOSE EGGS
FOR THAT EXPERIMENT?
- OH, YEAH, AND I WAS
SURE PROUD OF YOU, BOY,
UNLOADING ALL THAT
15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
- YEAH. WELL, DAD,
THEY DIDN'T EXACTLY
TAKE ALL 15,000 DOZEN EGGS.
- OH?
- DAD, START SMILING.
- OH?