The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 17 - For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls - full transcript
Dobie is standing at the altar saying "I do" to a woman who is not Zelda, and Zelda, who is truly happy at the event, is standing up for the woman. What's going on? It's a wedding by proxy for the woman, Jane, and her true fiancé, Eddie, Dobie's friend who couldn't be there since he has a job in South America. But the wedding has given Zelda renewed energy to get Dobie to the altar for real. Zelda's tenacity scares Dobie; although he wants someday to get married even perhaps to Zelda, he feels he just isn't ready for a commitment to anyone. To escape from the power of Zelda, Dobie, while attending Jane's bon voyage party aboard her South America bound cargo ship sailing, decides to stow away with Maynard in tow. What they are unaware of is that Zelda has too come to a spur of the moment decision: she will also sail on the ship as Jane's cabin mate, for her absence she hopes will make Dobie's heart grow fonder for her. After they have all set sail, Zelda, without Dobie or Maynard knowing, finds out that they are on board. To get Dobie to the altar on the ship, Zelda hatches a plan that requires her to use new found skill of impersonation and throwing her voice.
- DEARLY BELOVED, WE
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN
IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.
FOR AS MUCH AS THESE TWO
PERSONS HAVE COME HITHER
TO BE MADE ONE IN
THIS HOLY ESTATE,
IF THERE BY ANYONE PRESENT
WHO KNOWS ANY JUST CAUSE
WHY THEY MAY NOT BE
LAWFULLY JOINED IN MARRIAGE,
LET HIM SPEAK NOW OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.
WILL THOU TAKE THIS
WOMAN... [JAZZ THEME]
- NOPE, YOUR EYES WEREN'T
PLAYING TRICKS ON YOU.
THE FELLOW YOU JUST SAW
BEING LED TO THE SLAUGHTER...
CEREMONY, WAS ME ALL RIGHT.
DOBIE GILLIS, BOY GROOM.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.
SO THE CEREMONY
GOT STARTED OKAY,
BUT NATURALLY SOMETHING
HAPPENED TO KEEP IT FROM FINISHING.
WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
EVERYTHING WENT
OFF LIKE CLOCKWORK
EXCEPT ONE LITTLE DETAIL.
- I CAN'T FIND THE RING.
- FORTUNATELY, I HAPPEN
TO CARRY A SPARE WEDDING
WITH ME AT ALL TIMES.
A SINGLE GIRL CAN NEVER TELL
WHEN LIGHTNING WILL STRIKE.
- AND NOW THE GROOM
WILL REPEAT AFTER ME.
WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED.
- WITH THE RING, I THEE WED.
- AND NOW BY VIRTUE OF
THE POWER VESTED IN ME,
I PRONOUNCED YOU MAN AND WIFE.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- MY GOOD BUDDY MARCHING
OFF TO MATRIMONYSVILLE.
I MEAN, LIKE, WHOA IS ME.
- MAYNARD, HOW MANY
TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THEY'RE NOT MARRIED.
- LIKE, THE LAST OF
THE... THEY'RE NOT?
IT'S OVER SO QUICK?
HMM, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.
- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.
DOBIE AND JANE JUST WENT
THROUGH WHAT IS CALLED
A MARRIAGE BY PROXY, UNDERSTAND?
- NO.
- LOOK, JANE ALWAYS
WANTED A BIG WEDDING
WITH HER FAMILY ALL AROUND,
BUT EDDIE GOT THIS JOB
DOWN IN SOUTH AMERICA,
SO HE COULDN'T BE
HERE FOR THE CEREMONY,
SO DOBIE TOOK HIS PLACE.
DOBIE IS EDDIE'S PROXY.
THAT'S LIKE A
SUBSTITUTE. GET IT?
- THEY WON'T BE HAPPY.
- WHY NOT?
- TWO FELLOWS MARRIED
TO THE SAME GIRL?
YOU KNOW THAT MIXED
MARRIAGES NEVER WORK OUT.
- MAYNARD!
- JANE, DEAR, I'M
SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU, DARLING, AND THANK
YOU FOR LENDING DOBIE TO ME.
- SINCE IT INVOLVED SAYING I DO,
I FIGURED HE COULD
USE THE PRACTICE.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
- YOU SEE, SNOOKUMS, GETTING
MARRIED DIDN'T HURT A BIT.
SO HOW'S ABOUT
TRYING IT AGAIN SOON?
- I'D LOVE TO.
- NOW YOU'RE TALKING, DOLL FACE.
- I'M ALWAYS AVAILABLE
FOR PROXY MARRIAGES.
- OH YOU POOR, MISGUIDED FOOL.
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON
DEFYING THE INEVITABLE?
NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE
ODDS, HOW RUGGED THE BARRIERS,
HOW HIGH THE OBSTACLES,
SOONER OR LATER YOU
ARE GOING TO BE MINE.
TO GET YOU, SNOOKUMS,
THERE'S NOTHING I WON'T DO.
NOTHING I CAN'T DO.
- ATTENTION EVERYONE,
MY BOAT SAILS AT 5:00,
AND I'LL EXPECT YOU ALL
ON BOARD TO SEE ME OFF.
NOW, GIRLS...
- GOT IT!
- OH, WELL.
- SHE CAN DO ANYTHING.
I'M DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED.
SPOOKY, WASN'T IT?
BUT YOU SAW FOR
YOURSELF WHAT SHE CAN DO.
FIVE FEET TALL AND 101
POUNDS AT THE OUTSIDE.
BUT IF SHE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL
AGAINST THE CHICAGO BEARS,
I'D TAKE ZELDA AND
GIVE YOU 10 POINTS.
I MEAN, SHE CAN DO ANYTHING.
SO WHEN WE GOT TO THE BON
VOYAGE PARTY AT THE BOAT,
I WATCHED HER LIKE A HAWK.
- ALL VISITORS ASHORE, PLEASE.
THE SHIP SAILS IN 15 MINUTES.
ALL VISITORS ASHORE.
- BY JANE, GOOD LUCK.
- BYE.
- BEST OF LUCK, JANE,
PLEASANT VOYAGE.
REGARDS TO EDDIE.
DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.
- OKAY. BYE, DOBIE.
- COME ON, MAYNARD.
- WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVEN'T
SAID GOODBYE TO JANE YET.
- WE'LL WAIT FOR YOU ON DECK.
- BYE. BYE.
- HE CAN'T GET AWAY. MY
BRAIN IS TOO POWERFUL.
- MAYNARD, I'M WORRIED,
AND I MEAN WORRIED.
ZELDA'S MADE UP
HER MIND TO MARRY ME
AND WHEN SHE GETS AN IDEA IN
HER HEAD, THERE'S NO STOPPING HER.
- POOR DOBE.
- SHE'LL KEEP AFTER ME AND
PESTER ME AND OUTMANEUVER ME
AND BRAINWASH ME UNTIL I FINALLY
RUN OUT OF STRENGTH AND SAY YES.
- POOR DOBE.
- SOME DAY I MIGHT WANT TO GET
MARRIED, MAYBE EVEN TO ZELDA.
BUT NOT YET. I'M NOT
READY FOR MARRIAGE.
- POOR DOBE.
- MAYNARD, CAN'T YOU SAY
SOMETHING BESIDES POOR DOBE?
- POOR WALTER FUNK.
- MAYNARD.
OKAY. POOR MAYNARD.
- NEVER MIND.
OH, WHY DO I EVEN
BOTHER TO FIGHT IT.
I'M DOOMED.
AS LONG AS ZELDA'S
AROUND I HAVEN'T GOT A...
HEY, THAT'S IT. WHAT IF
ZELDA WASN'T AROUND?
- YEAH. GOOD THINKING.
DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT MY
IDEA TO TOSS HER TO THE SHARKS?
- I MEAN, SHE'D BE
AROUND, BUT I WOULDN'T.
- WE'D TOSS YOU TO THE SHARKS?
- LISTEN, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF
I WENT AWAY FOR A FEW MONTHS?
ZELDA WOULD GET
TIRED OF WAITING FOR ME,
AND SHE'D SET HER TRAPS FOR
SOME OTHER POOR SCHNOOK,
AND BY THE TIME I GOT
BACK SHE'D HAVE HOOKED HIM,
AND SHE'D BE SAFELY
MARRIED AND I'D BE FREE.
SMART, HUH?
- THE SHARKS WOULD BE JUICER.
- THE ONLY QUESTION IS,
WHERE IN THIS WORLD CAN I
GO TO GET AWAY FROM HER?
WHERE WHERE WHERE?
- DON'T LOOK AT ME.
I FLUNKED GEOGRAPHY
FOUR TIMES OUT OF THREE.
- YOU DIDN'T DO TOO
GOOD IN ARITHMETIC EITHER.
- THE SHIP SAILS IN TEN MINUTES.
ALL VISITORS ASHORE,
PLEASE. ALL VISITORS ASHORE.
- OF COURSE. RIGHT
HERE. I'LL STOW AWAY.
WHEN THE SHIP SAILS, ZELDA
GETS OFF AND HEADS FOR HOME,
AND I STAY ON AND HEAD
FOR SOUTH AMERICA.
- YOU THINK WE'LL LIKE IT DOWN
THERE IN HOT TAMALESVILLE?
- WE? OH, NO, MAYNARD. NO.
I MEAN, I APPRECIATE
YOUR LOYALTY,
BUT YOU'VE GOT NO
REASON TO STOW AWAY.
- OH NO?
WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE
OF YOU WHEN YOU GET SEASICK?
WHO'S GOING TO BRING YOU
PILLS WHEN YOU GET SEASICK?
WHO'S GOING TO HOLD YOUR
HEAD WHEN YOU GET SEASICK?
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD. IF
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
- IT SURE IS, GOOD BUDDY.
AND YOU GOTTA
PROMISE ME ONE THING.
- WHAT?
- PLEASE DON'T GET SEASICK.
- YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TO
ADMIT, I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.
AFTER ALL THESE
YEARS OF STRUGGLING,
I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO LOOK
MYSELF IN THE EYE AND SAY,
GOODBYE, ZELDA.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE?
ZELDA, WHAT KIND OF
DEFEATIST TALK IS THAT?
- OH, I'M TIRED OF BEATING
MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.
SURE I PUT ON A BIG ACT,
LIKE I GOT HIM ALL READY
TO PROPOSE, BUT I HAVEN'T.
- DEAR.
- AND I NEVER WILL.
DOBIE'S GOING TO STAY
A BACHELOR ALL HIS LIFE,
OR ELSE SOME OTHER GIRL'S
GOING TO COME ALONG AND GRAB HIM.
HE'LL NEVER BE MR. ZELDA GILROY.
- OH LISTEN, HONEY...
- OH, JANE, SEEING YOU
ACTUALLY GET MARRIED
MADE ME REALIZE I'VE BEEN
CHASING AFTER NOTHING
BUT A WILD, WONDERFUL,
IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.
IN THE DREAM I EVEN
KNOW HOW HE'D PROPOSE.
HE'D GET DOWN ON ONE
KNEE, NATURALLY, AND HE'D SAY,
[IMITATING DOBIE]
ZELDA, MY DEAR.
I SHALL LOVE YOU WITH
EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.
WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?
- ZELDA!
- THEN HIS KOOKY
FRIEND, MAYNARD,
WOULD CHARGE IN AND SAY,
[IMITATING MAYNARD]
LIKE, MARRY HER?
GOOD BUDDY, YOU
GOTTA BE JOSHING.
MY DOBIE WOULD REMAIN
LOYAL AND STEADFAST AND TRUE,
AND HE'D SAY,
[IMITATING DOBIE] YES, MAYNARD.
I SHALL MARRY ZELDA BECAUSE SHE
IS TRUTH AND BEAUTY AND POETRY.
- ZELDA!
HOW DID YOU IMITATE
THEIR VOICES SO PERFECTLY?
- OH, I SAW THIS COUPON
IN THE BACK OF A MAGAZINE.
THROW YOUR VOICE
FOR FUN AND PROFIT,
SO I SENT AWAY FOR THE COURSE.
I CAN COPY ANY VOICE I HEAR.
- ZELDA, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
- YEAH. EXCEPT GET DOBIE.
OH, JANE, IF HE'D ONLY
GIVE HIMSELF A CHANCE,
I KNOW MY SWEET,
DIMWITTED LAMEBRAIN
COULD LEARN TO LOVE ME.
BUT HOW'S HE GOING TO
FIND OUT? IT'S HOPELESS.
- I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
FOR A WHILE THERE IT LOOKED
HOPELESS FOR EDDIE AND ME, TOO.
- YEAH, I REMEMBER.
THEN HE GOT THAT JOB
FAR AWAY IN SOUTH AMERICA
AND HE BEGAN TO REALIZE
HOW LONELY HE WAS.
AND THREE WEEKS LATER
YOU GOT A CABLEGRAM SAYING,
DARLING, I LOVE YOU, I
MISS YOU, PLEASE MARRY ME.
CABLE ANSWER IMMEDIATELY,
COLLECT, IF NECESSARY.
JANE, MY PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
I SIMPLY PUT A PROVOCATIVE
AMOUNT OF DISTANCE
BETWEEN ME DOBIE,
AND GIVEN TIME TO REALIZE HOW
DELICIOUSLY VITAL I AM TO HIM,
AND VOILA, HERE COMES THE BRIDE.
- BUT HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
EDDIE WENT TO SOUTH AMERICA.
DOBIE'S STILL IN SCHOOL.
HE ISN'T GONG ANY PLACE.
- TRUE, BUT I AM.
TO SOUTH AMERICA
WITH YOU IN THIS CABIN.
- BUT...
- POOR DOBIE.
HE'LL BE MISERABLE.
OH, HE'LL SUFFER.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
- BUT...
- NO ARGUING, GIRL.
LET'S GO FIND THE CAPTAIN
AND INTRODUCE HIM TO HIS
CHARMING NEW PASSENGER.
- AND AFTER THE
CAPTAIN CATCHES US,
HE PUTS CHAINS ON US AND
DRAGS US DOWN INTO THE CELLAR
AND MAKES US ROW THE BOAT
WITH THEM BIG LONG OARS.
- MAYNARD, THEY HAVEN'T
DONE THAT SINCE BEN-HUR.
- HE'LL MAKE US GALLERY SLAVES.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
WE JUST HIDE IN THIS LIFE BOAT
UNTIL WE'RE TOO FAR OUT AT SEA
FOR HIM TO TURN AROUND
AND BRING US BACK.
AND THEN WE COME OUT AND
PRESENT OURSELVES TO THE CAPTAIN,
AND VOLUNTEER TO DO ABSOLUTELY
ANYTHING TO PAY FOR OUR PASSAGE,
ANY KIND OF HARD, GRUELING WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD, IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE
CAN MAKE UP FOR WHAT WE'VE DONE.
BESIDES IT'S BETTER THAN
GETTING MARRIED, ISN'T IT?
- WHAT AIN'T, GOOD
BUDDY? WHAT AIN'T?
- I'VE GOT TO HURRY UP AND
WRITE A NOTE TO MY FOLKS
AND TELL THEM WHAT WE'RE DOING.
IT'S A VACATION ANYHOW,
SO THEY WON'T MIND.
I'M GOING TO TELL THEM
TO CALL YOUR FOLKS, TOO,
AND EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
YOUR FATHER WON'T
OBJECT, WILL HE?
- OH, NO. HE LIKES
FOR ME TO TRAVEL.
I HAVE A STANDING OFFER.
HE'LL PAY MY TRANSPORTATION
TO ANYPLACE IN THE WORLD
I WANT TO GO.
- GOOD.
- ONE WAY.
- LAST CALL. THE SHIP
SAILS IN FIVE MINUTES.
ALL ASHORE. LAST CALL.
ALL VISITORS ASHORE AT ONCE.
- WELL, LATIN GENTLEMEN ARE
WORLD FAMOUS FOR THEIR CONCERN
WITH MATTERS OF THE HEART.
IS IT NOT SO?
- CARAMBA, YES.
WE LIVE FOR THE
MATTERS OF THE HEART.
- THEN CAPTAIN LOPEZ
WILL CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND
WHY I BEG HIM TO ALLOW
ME TO SAIL ON THIS SHIP.
I'VE BEEN FORSAKEN BY MY FIANCÉ.
MY HEART IS SICK WITH SORROW.
I MUST SAIL AWAY,
FAR AWAY, TO FORGET.
- WHY DID YOU NOT
SAY SO AT ONCE?
OF COURSE YOU MAY
SAIL WITH US, LITTLE ONE.
WHEN IT COMES TO
LOVE, REGULATIONS, BAH.
- BLESS YOU, SIR.
- A SEA VOYAGE WILL
MEND YOU RAPIDLY.
AND WHO KNOW, PERHAPS
YOU WILL FIND A NEW LOVE.
- ON THIS BOAT?
- IT IS TRUE WE ARE
MAINLY A CARGO SHIP,
BUT THERE ARE TWO OTHER
PASSENGERS, BOTH BACHELORS.
- I DON'T THINK I'M QUITE READY
FOR OTHER MEN YET, CAPTAIN.
- AH, THE ENGLISHMAN, VERY RICH.
- I'M BEHOLDEN TO
YOU, BUT NO THANKS.
- AND THE ITALIAN,
VERY HANDSOME.
- SOUNDS
FASCINATING, BUT I PASS.
- OH, WE SHALL SEE, MY CHILD.
WITH THE HEART, NO ONE CAN
TELL WHEN LOVE WILL ENTER
AND SWEEP ALL BEFORE IT,
AND WHEN IT DOES, REMEMBER,
LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- AVAILABLE?
- AVAILABLE?
- AVAILABLE.
THE BROKEN-HEARTED LITTLE
ONE CAN BE MARRIED AT SEA.
LOPEZ WILL PERFORM THE CEREMONY.
HE IS AVAILABLE.
- I SHOULD ONLY FIND
A GROOM SO AVAILABLE.
- TO MARRY A LOVING
COUPLE IS MY FONDEST DREAM.
TWENTY YEARS I HAVE WAITED,
AND I'M ALWAYS ON CARGO SHIPS.
I'VE FOUGHT HURRICANES
AND DODGED SUBMARINES,
AND SALVAGED SHIPWRECKS.
- BUT NEVER A WEDDING?
- NOT EVEN A REHEARSAL.
- I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
- NOT EVEN AN ENGAGEMENT.
- I'LL LOOK AROUND.
- NOT EVEN A REHEARSAL
FOR AN ENGAGEMENT.
- I'LL GIVE IT MY ALL.
- AH! WILL YOU,
SENORITA, GRACIAS.
AND NOW LOPEZ INSISTS
THAT YOU SAIL WITH US.
HE WILL ARRANGE EVERYTHING.
- THANK YOU, CAPTAIN LOPEZ.
- DEARLY BELOVED, WE
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN
AND THIS WOMAN...
GOOD, EH?
I'VE BEEN REHEARSING FOR A
VERY LONG DISTANCE. THIS WOMAN...
- HERE'S THE LOCATION OF
OUR SHIP, SOMEWHERE AT SEA,
BUT NOT HALF AS MUCH AS I WAS.
I MEAN, I, POOR, TRUSTING FOOL,
THOUGHT I WAS SAFE AND
SECURE AND ZELDA-LESS.
- WELL, I JUST SENT OFF A
RADIOGRAM TO MY FOLKS.
- GREAT.
- IN NO TIME AT ALL, DOBIE
WILL KNOW I AM FAR, FAR AWAY,
AND THEN WATCH HIM
START TO MISS ME. BOY.
- NOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS WAIT AND BE PATIENT.
- RIGHT. AND WHEN IT COMES
TO BEING PATIENT, I AM A ROCK.
JANE?
- YES, DEAR.
- IT'S BEEN QUITE A WHILE
SINCE I SENT THAT RADIOGRAM,
SO HOW COME I HAVEN'T
HEARD FROM HIM?
- ZELDA.
- I'M HUNGRY, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, CALM DOWN.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE
ON THE EMERGENCY RATIONS
WE FOUND IN THE LIFE BOAT.
- I'LL NEVER MAKE IT.
ALL I'VE HAD TO EAT IS
10 BOXES OF CRACKERS,
A PACKAGE OF DRIED BEEF,
20 OR 30 CHOCOLATE BARS
AND A GALLON OF POWDERED MILK.
- MAYNARD, SCIENTIFICALLY,
THAT'S ENOUGH TO GET YOU
THROUGH TWO FULL WEEKS.
- TWO FULL WEEKS?
I ATE THAT IN THE
LAST 10 MINUTES.
- AH, SENORITA.
ANOTHER LOVELY DAY, IS IT NOT?
- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
ANY MESSAGES FOR
ME, CAPTAIN LOPEZ?
- YES. THE YOUNG
ENGLISH PASSENGER
WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU.
AND THE YOUNG ITALIAN.
- NO. I MEANT LIKE MESSAGES
FROM HOME, LIKE A RADIOGRAM.
- ALAS, NO.
- GOLLY, IT'S BEEN
THREE DAYS NOW.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE THE
DELIVERY BOY'S ROW BOAT
BROKE DOWN OR SOMETHING?
- SENORITA, I'M THE
LAST MAN IN THE WORLD
TO THROW A WET
BLANKET ON ROMANCE.
IT SEEMS CLEAR THAT YOU AND
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS TERMINADO... POOF.
TAKE MY ADVICE AND FORGET HIM.
- I CAN'T!
- WELL, OF COURSE YOU CAN.
I SUGGEST A SHIPBOARD ROMANCE.
VERY STIMULATING.
- I IMAGINE.
- AND IF IT SHOULD BLOSSOM
INTO THE REAL THING...
- I KNOW.
- LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- I FIGURED.
- DEARLY BELOVED, WE
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN
IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.
- BY THE TIME YOU
RECEIVE THIS LETTER,
I WILL BE MANY, MANY MILES AWAY.
I HAVE TAKEN THIS DRASTIC
STEP AND RUN AWAY BECAUSE I'M...
I'M...
- TRY CHICKEN.
- BECAUSE I'M... I'M...
- TRY YELLOW-BELLIED.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS SERIOUS.
I HAVE TO WRITE ZELDA A
LETTER THAT WILL CONVINCE HER
THAT SHE BETTER FORGET ABOUT
ME AND LATCH ONTO SOME OTHER...
OTHER...
- SUCKER.
- MAYNARD.
I'LL TRY AGAIN. DEAR ZELDA...
- YES, DOBIE?
- SO FAR I DON'T LIKE IT.
- DEAR ZELDA, PLEASE
BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU
THAT I WISH YOU ALL
POSSIBLE HAPPINESS,
MAINLY A HUSBAND,
AND PLEASE BE QUICK ABOUT IT.
PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND,
ZELDA, OLD FRIEND,
THAT TAKING THIS TRIP IS THE
WISEST THING FOR BOTH OF US,
SO GOODBYE FOREVER.
YOUR PAL, DOBIE.
HERE'S WHERE WE ARE,
LATITUDE 20 DEGREES NORTH,
LONGITUDE 66 DEGREES WEST.
AND HERE I AM WITH AN
UNINFORMED LATITUDE
AND A BLISSFULLY
IGNORANT LONGITUDE,
AND I WAS ALL SET
TO BE TORPEDOED.
- CAPTAIN LOPEZ, I'M SO
HAPPY TO FIND YOU IN.
- AH, SENORITA. IT IS ALWAYS
A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
- I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
BRING ON YOUR ENGLISHMAN.
- AHA!
- AND YOUR ITALIAN.
- AH HO?
- AND I'LL BE ON THE FOREDECK
BEFORE YOU IN 20 MINUTES,
WITH A PROPERLY
FASCINATING WARDROBE.
- SENORITA, I SHALL
ARRANGE EVERYTHING,
AND REMEMBER IF
ROMANCE SHOULD BLOSSOM...
- I KNOW. LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- AND HE'S BEEN LIVING IN
THAT LIFEBOAT ALL THIS TIME?
THAT'S AMAZING.
- WITH MAYNARD.
- THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- HURRY UP, PLEASE, JANE.
THAT ENGLISH FELLOW'S
MEETING ME UP ON DECK.
- JUST A MINUTE.
THIS DRESS OF MINE FITS
A LITTLE TIGHT ON YOUR.
- THE TIGHTER THE BETTER.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE DOBIE
HEARS SOME SWEET TALK
THAT WILL REALLY WAKE HIM UP.
SO THEN THE ELEPHANT SAID, IN
MY TRUNK, DOESN'T EVERYONE?
[LAUGHING]
- VERY FUNNY, VERY.
- OH, I HAVE MANY, MANY
MORE JUICY TIDBITS LIKE THAT
FOR YOU DEREK, MY DEAR.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE
ABOUT THE RED HOT COAL?
- CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.
- YOU WOULDN'T GRASP IT.
[LAUGHING]
DEREK, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S
AN AMUSING JOKE? RED HOT COAL.
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP. I
MUST BE HAVING A NIGHTMARE.
- THIS TIME OF DAY IT
MUST BE A MORNINGMARE.
- I THOUGHT I HEARD ZELDA.
- OOH, YOU'RE THAT.
THAT'S A NIGHTMARE.
- WHAT SAY WE NIP INSIDE
FOR A SPOT OF TEA, EH,
WHAT, MISS GILROY?
- OH, DEREK DARLING,
PLEASE CALL ME ZELDA.
- OH, VERY WELL, ZELDA.
- DEREK DUMPLING, YOU
SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS.
- LOOK HERE, OLD
GIRL, ALL I SAID...
- OH, NO. NO. PLEASE, MY
DEAREST, DON'T SAY IT AGAIN,
YOU'LL TURN MY PRETTY HEAD.
- NOW, SEE HERE...
- OOH, WHO SAID YOU ENGLISHMEN
ARE COOL AND RESERVED.
COME, MY TIGER, LET US GO BELOW
AND COOL OUR SMOLDERING PASSIONS
WITH BOILING TEA.
- MAYNARD, IT'S FATE,
IT'S KISMET, IT'S DESTINY.
- IT'S ZELDA.
- DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
- CLEAN LIVING?
- SO THEN THE ELEPHANT
SAID... THE ELEPHANTE, GINO,
IN MY TRUNK, DOESN'T EVERYONE?
[LAUGHING]
- FUNNY. VERY FUNNY.
- OH, I HAVE MANY, MANY
MORE JUICY PIZZAS LIKE THAT
FOR YOU, GINO, MON AMORE.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT
THE RED HOT COAL...
- NO, SENORITA, NO.
- YOU WOULDN'T GRASP IT.
[LAUGHING]
- VERY AMUSING.
- OH GINO, HOW
ROMANTIC YOUR ARE.
- SI?
- SI.
- ALL I SAID IS SI, SENORITA.
- IT WASN'T SO MUCH WHAT
YOU SAID AS THE WAY YOU SAID IT,
OOH, YOU ROMANTIC
ITALIAN LOVERS.
- OLD ZEL'S MAKING A
LOT OF NEW FRIENDS, HUH?
- YEAH.
- THAT'S, LIKE, GOOD, HUH?
- YOU BET. NOW SHE WON'T BE
MOPING AROUND AFTER I'M GONE.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- WONDERING IF I'LL
EVER COME BACK,
SITTING THERE BROKEN
HEARTED WHISPERING MY NAME.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- IN FACT, I WONDER IF
SHE'LL REMEMBER MY NAME.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO NOW DOBIE THINKS YOU'RE
ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN,
SO HE GETS JEALOUS.
- YEAH. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
- BUT NOT JEALOUS ENOUGH
TO CLIMB OUT OF THAT LIFEBOAT
AND PROPOSE.
- YEAH, ISN'T IT AWFUL.
- AND HE NEVER WILL UNLESS HE
THINKS YOU'RE ALL SET TO MARRY
ONE OF THOSE OTHER FELLOWS.
- TRUE. AND THEY'RE HARDLY
FLIPPING FOR ME, ARE THEY?
- NO OFFENSE, BUT HARDLY.
WELL, WHERE DO WE GO
FROM HERE, SMART APPLE?
- IN FOR THE KILL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN...
[IMITATING DEREK] MY
DEAR, WOULD YOU DO ME
THE HONOR TO BECOME MY
LITTLE CRUMPET, FOR LIFE?
[LAUGHING]
- DEREK, YOU RASCAL, YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
[IMITATING DEREK] YES, MY SWEET,
BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.
YOU ARE SO LOVELY, SO
CHARMING, SO UTTERLY IRRESISTIBLE.
AGAIN, I COULDN'T RESIST.
FORGIVE ME, ZELDA, YOU
BRING OUT THE ANIMAL IN ME.
YOU MUST MARRY ME, AT ONCE.
BUT DEREK, WE'VE ONLY JUST MET.
[IMITATING DEREK]
WHAT DOES TIME MATTER
WHEN OUR TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE?
- HEY, DOBE, YOU'RE
IN FREEDOMSVILLE,
SHE HOOKED A SUCKER.
- OH, BOY.
[IMITATING DEREK]
- ZELDA, MY ADORABLE
MUTTON CHOP, I HAVE
A CASTLE IN WALES,
A TOWNHOUSE IN LONDON, AND
A HUNTING LODGE IN SCOTLAND.
MARRY ME AND THEY ARE YOURS.
OH, DEREK, YOU MAKE
ME FEEL VERY PROUD,
BUT I CANNOT MARRY
YOU FOR I LOVE ANOTHER.
[IMITATING DEREK] OH NO!
OH YES. MY HEART BELONGS
TO A BOY NAMED DOBIE GILLIS.
[IMITATING DEREK] DOPIE GILLIS?
- THAT'S DOBIE WITH A B.
- DEREK, HE'S NOT
REALLY VERY MUCH.
IN FACT, HE'S KIND OF
A TEN-THUMBED IDIOT,
BUT I LOVE HIM AND
HE'S WHAT I WANT.
[IMITATING DEREK] SO BE
IT MY LITTLE PARTRIDGE,
BUT I SHALL NEVER FORGET YOU.
NEVER.
FAREWELL, DEREK.
[IMITATING DEREK] CHEERIO.
- GEE, I'M GETTING ALL MISTY.
- YEAH.
- PASSED UP A CASTLE
AND A HUNTING LODGE.
- YEAH. AND DON'T
FORGET THE TOWNHOUSE.
- YEAH. AND ALL FOR A FELLOW
SHE'S NOT EVEN GONNA GET.
- YEAH, POOR KID.
- GINO!
- MAN, FOR A SMALL BOAT,
THERE'S SURE A MESS OF ACTION.
[IMITATING GINO]
- ZELDA, MY SMALL WHITE DOVE.
OOH, GINO, YOU'RE SO
STRONG, YOU'RE CRUSHING ME.
[IMITATING GINO] ZELDA,
MIA CARA, I WORSHIP YOU.
OH, GINO.
[IMITATING GINO] MARRY
ME AND YOU WILL HAVE
WEALTH, LUXURY, EVERYTHING
YOUR LITTLE HEART COULD DESIRE.
OH, GINO!
[IMITATING GINO]
YOU WILL PEARLS,
JEWELS, SERVANTS.
OH, GINO!
[IMITATING GINO] YOUR BOUDOIR
WILL BE CARPETED WITH
ERMINE, WALL TO WALL.
OH, GINO, NO.
IT CANNOT BE. MY
HEART IS ALREADY GIVEN.
[IMITATING GINO] OH, NO.
OH, SI. HIS NAME
IS DOBIE GILLIS.
[IMITATING GINO] DOPIE GILLIS?
- IT'S DOBIE WITH A B.
- HE'LL NEVER GIVE ME
SERVANTS AND JEWELS, GINO,
OR ERMINE, WALL TO WALL.
HE'S JUST KIND OF SWEET
AND DUMB AND HELPLESS,
AND THAT'S WHY HE
NEEDS ME AND I NEED HIM.
- MAYNARD.
- DON'T TALK TO ME,
YOU LOW DOWN RAT.
[IMITATING GINO]
- ZELDA, YOU ARE A GREAT WOMAN
WITH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL.
I WILL NOT BE ROBBED OF
SUCH A TREASURE BY THIS...
THIS DOPIE GILLIS PERSON.
OH, GINO, I WANT TO SAY
YES. I'M TRYING TO SAY YES.
OH, GINO, IF ONLY
I COULD SAY YES.
- DON'T SAY IT, ZELDA.
DON'T MARRY HIM, DON'T.
ZELDA, IT'S ME.
- DOBIE! MAYNARD! WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.
OH, ZELDA, I'VE
BEEN SUCH A FOOL.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- YOU WERE SAYING, SNOOKUMS?
- I HEARD THOSE TWO FELLOWS
PROPOSING TO YOU, ZELDA,
AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M NOBODY VERY MUCH,
BUT, WELL, IF YOU STILL
WANT ME. I'M YOURS.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- OH, DOBIE.
- I MEAN IT ZELDA.
MARRY ME, PLEASE.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- OKAY. WHEN?
- TONIGHT, TOMORROW, ANY TIME.
THE SECOND WE CAN FIND
SOMEONE TO MARRY US.
- LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- AHA, THE YOUNG LOVERS.
AT LAST, THE MOMENT
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
MY DEBUT.
- HEY, WHERE'S GINO.
- MARK THIS SPOT WELL.
NO. IT'S NOT WHERE THE
TITANIC HIT AN ICEBERG,
BUT WHAT DID HAPPEN HERE
WAS AN AWFUL BIG TRAGEDY, TOO.
- DEARLY BELOVED, WE
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN
IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS?
- OF COURSE.
- YOU COULD STILL BACK OUT.
- NO. I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
- HONEST?
- HONEST.
GEE, WHEN I THINK OF ALL
THOSE THINGS YOU GAVE FOR ME,
CASTLES AND CRUMPETS AND
WALL-TO-WALL ERMINE CARPETS.
- DOBIE, WILL THOU
TAKE THIS WOMAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE,
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD IN
SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?
- I WILL.
- ZELDA, WILL THOU TAKE THIS MAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND,
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD IN
SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,
TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?
- NO.
- ZELDA?
- I KNEW IT WAS
TOO GOOD TO LAST.
QUE LASTIMA!
- ZELDA... ZELDA, WHAT'S WRONG?
- I CAN'T DO IT TO YOU, DOBIE.
I CAN'T MARRY YOU THIS WAY.
- BUT I WANT YOU TO
MARRY ME. I ASKED YOU.
- I TRICKED YOU INTO IT.
- NO, ZELDA.
I HEARD THOSE TWO RICH
FELLOWS PROPOSING TO YOU.
- NO, YOU DIDN'T DOBIE.
YOU HEARD ME BY THE
LIFEBOAT IMITATING THEIR VOICES.
ZELDA, MI CARA, WILL YOU
BE MY LITTLE PIZZA FOR LIFE?
MY CASTLE IN WALES, MY
TOWNHOUSE IN LONDON,
MY HUNTING LODGE IN SCOTLAND.
MARRY ME AND THEY ARE YOURS.
SEE, DOBIE?
- HMM.
- BUT I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE
I WANTED TO MARRY YOU
MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
IN THE WORLD, AND I STILL DO.
- ZELDA...
- BUT NOT UNTIL YOU
WANT TO MARRY ME...
REALLY WANT TO MARRY ME.
DOBIE, DO YOU HATE ME?
- WELL...
- IT WAS A ROTTEN TRICK.
- TRUE.
BUT CLEVER.
AND IF A GIRL CARES THAT
MUCH ABOUT A FELLA, WELL...
- YOU MEAN, MAYBE
SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY,
THERE MIGHT STILL BE A CHANCE
FOR THIS FELLA AND THIS GIRL?
- WHY NOT? THERE'S CERTAINLY
NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS GIRL.
IT'S JUST THAT THIS FELLA ISN'T
READY YET TO BE A HUSBAND.
BUT SOME DAY HE WILL BE.
- THIS GIRL WILL WAIT,
DOBIE, UNTIL THAT DAY COMES.
- AND WHEN IT DOES,
REMEMBER LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- MAYNARD, STOP GRIPING.
A LITTLE DECK SCRUBBING
IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR A FREE ROUND
TRIP TO SOUTH AMERICA.
- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
I'D HAVE TO WORK. WORK!
- MAYNARD, THIS WAY
WE'LL ARRIVE BACK HOME
SEAWORTHY,
SUNTANNED, AND SINGLE.
- YEAH, DOBE.
YOU'RE THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION
WHEN IT COMES TO DODGING
THAT HOLY DEADLOCK.
- THAT'S WEDLOCK. YOU
KNOW SOMETHING, MAYNARD?
I'M NOT SURE I WANT
TO KEEP DODGING IT.
- LIKE, NO!
- LIKE, YES.
THIS IS JUST BETWEEN US, BUT
I'M ABOUT READY TO SURRENDER
WITHOUT ANYBODY
PLAYING A TRICK ON ME.
I MEAN... I MEAN,
A GIRL LIKE ZELDA
COMES ALONG ONCE IN A LIFETIME.
- YEAH. BUT WHAT'S
BEST OF ALL, GOOD BUDDY,
IS SHE, LIKE, LOVES YOU,
AND SHE ALWAYS WILL.
AND SHE'S LOYAL
AND HONEST AND TRUE,
AND HOW YOU GONNA BEAT
A COMBINATION LIKE THAT?
- MAYNARD, HOW COME
YOU'RE ALL OF A SUDDEN
SUCH A STRONG... ZELDA.
ALL RIGHT, ZELDA.
WHAT'D YOU DO WITH...
- LIKE, HELP! HELP!
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN
IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.
FOR AS MUCH AS THESE TWO
PERSONS HAVE COME HITHER
TO BE MADE ONE IN
THIS HOLY ESTATE,
IF THERE BY ANYONE PRESENT
WHO KNOWS ANY JUST CAUSE
WHY THEY MAY NOT BE
LAWFULLY JOINED IN MARRIAGE,
LET HIM SPEAK NOW OR
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.
WILL THOU TAKE THIS
WOMAN... [JAZZ THEME]
- NOPE, YOUR EYES WEREN'T
PLAYING TRICKS ON YOU.
THE FELLOW YOU JUST SAW
BEING LED TO THE SLAUGHTER...
CEREMONY, WAS ME ALL RIGHT.
DOBIE GILLIS, BOY GROOM.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING.
SO THE CEREMONY
GOT STARTED OKAY,
BUT NATURALLY SOMETHING
HAPPENED TO KEEP IT FROM FINISHING.
WELL, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
EVERYTHING WENT
OFF LIKE CLOCKWORK
EXCEPT ONE LITTLE DETAIL.
- I CAN'T FIND THE RING.
- FORTUNATELY, I HAPPEN
TO CARRY A SPARE WEDDING
WITH ME AT ALL TIMES.
A SINGLE GIRL CAN NEVER TELL
WHEN LIGHTNING WILL STRIKE.
- AND NOW THE GROOM
WILL REPEAT AFTER ME.
WITH THIS RING, I THEE WED.
- WITH THE RING, I THEE WED.
- AND NOW BY VIRTUE OF
THE POWER VESTED IN ME,
I PRONOUNCED YOU MAN AND WIFE.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- MY GOOD BUDDY MARCHING
OFF TO MATRIMONYSVILLE.
I MEAN, LIKE, WHOA IS ME.
- MAYNARD, HOW MANY
TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
THEY'RE NOT MARRIED.
- LIKE, THE LAST OF
THE... THEY'RE NOT?
IT'S OVER SO QUICK?
HMM, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.
- MAYNARD, CONCENTRATE.
DOBIE AND JANE JUST WENT
THROUGH WHAT IS CALLED
A MARRIAGE BY PROXY, UNDERSTAND?
- NO.
- LOOK, JANE ALWAYS
WANTED A BIG WEDDING
WITH HER FAMILY ALL AROUND,
BUT EDDIE GOT THIS JOB
DOWN IN SOUTH AMERICA,
SO HE COULDN'T BE
HERE FOR THE CEREMONY,
SO DOBIE TOOK HIS PLACE.
DOBIE IS EDDIE'S PROXY.
THAT'S LIKE A
SUBSTITUTE. GET IT?
- THEY WON'T BE HAPPY.
- WHY NOT?
- TWO FELLOWS MARRIED
TO THE SAME GIRL?
YOU KNOW THAT MIXED
MARRIAGES NEVER WORK OUT.
- MAYNARD!
- JANE, DEAR, I'M
SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU, DARLING, AND THANK
YOU FOR LENDING DOBIE TO ME.
- SINCE IT INVOLVED SAYING I DO,
I FIGURED HE COULD
USE THE PRACTICE.
- ZELDA, PLEASE.
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
- YOU SEE, SNOOKUMS, GETTING
MARRIED DIDN'T HURT A BIT.
SO HOW'S ABOUT
TRYING IT AGAIN SOON?
- I'D LOVE TO.
- NOW YOU'RE TALKING, DOLL FACE.
- I'M ALWAYS AVAILABLE
FOR PROXY MARRIAGES.
- OH YOU POOR, MISGUIDED FOOL.
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON
DEFYING THE INEVITABLE?
NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE
ODDS, HOW RUGGED THE BARRIERS,
HOW HIGH THE OBSTACLES,
SOONER OR LATER YOU
ARE GOING TO BE MINE.
TO GET YOU, SNOOKUMS,
THERE'S NOTHING I WON'T DO.
NOTHING I CAN'T DO.
- ATTENTION EVERYONE,
MY BOAT SAILS AT 5:00,
AND I'LL EXPECT YOU ALL
ON BOARD TO SEE ME OFF.
NOW, GIRLS...
- GOT IT!
- OH, WELL.
- SHE CAN DO ANYTHING.
I'M DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED.
SPOOKY, WASN'T IT?
BUT YOU SAW FOR
YOURSELF WHAT SHE CAN DO.
FIVE FEET TALL AND 101
POUNDS AT THE OUTSIDE.
BUT IF SHE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL
AGAINST THE CHICAGO BEARS,
I'D TAKE ZELDA AND
GIVE YOU 10 POINTS.
I MEAN, SHE CAN DO ANYTHING.
SO WHEN WE GOT TO THE BON
VOYAGE PARTY AT THE BOAT,
I WATCHED HER LIKE A HAWK.
- ALL VISITORS ASHORE, PLEASE.
THE SHIP SAILS IN 15 MINUTES.
ALL VISITORS ASHORE.
- BY JANE, GOOD LUCK.
- BYE.
- BEST OF LUCK, JANE,
PLEASANT VOYAGE.
REGARDS TO EDDIE.
DON'T FORGET TO WRITE.
- OKAY. BYE, DOBIE.
- COME ON, MAYNARD.
- WAIT A MINUTE. I HAVEN'T
SAID GOODBYE TO JANE YET.
- WE'LL WAIT FOR YOU ON DECK.
- BYE. BYE.
- HE CAN'T GET AWAY. MY
BRAIN IS TOO POWERFUL.
- MAYNARD, I'M WORRIED,
AND I MEAN WORRIED.
ZELDA'S MADE UP
HER MIND TO MARRY ME
AND WHEN SHE GETS AN IDEA IN
HER HEAD, THERE'S NO STOPPING HER.
- POOR DOBE.
- SHE'LL KEEP AFTER ME AND
PESTER ME AND OUTMANEUVER ME
AND BRAINWASH ME UNTIL I FINALLY
RUN OUT OF STRENGTH AND SAY YES.
- POOR DOBE.
- SOME DAY I MIGHT WANT TO GET
MARRIED, MAYBE EVEN TO ZELDA.
BUT NOT YET. I'M NOT
READY FOR MARRIAGE.
- POOR DOBE.
- MAYNARD, CAN'T YOU SAY
SOMETHING BESIDES POOR DOBE?
- POOR WALTER FUNK.
- MAYNARD.
OKAY. POOR MAYNARD.
- NEVER MIND.
OH, WHY DO I EVEN
BOTHER TO FIGHT IT.
I'M DOOMED.
AS LONG AS ZELDA'S
AROUND I HAVEN'T GOT A...
HEY, THAT'S IT. WHAT IF
ZELDA WASN'T AROUND?
- YEAH. GOOD THINKING.
DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT MY
IDEA TO TOSS HER TO THE SHARKS?
- I MEAN, SHE'D BE
AROUND, BUT I WOULDN'T.
- WE'D TOSS YOU TO THE SHARKS?
- LISTEN, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF
I WENT AWAY FOR A FEW MONTHS?
ZELDA WOULD GET
TIRED OF WAITING FOR ME,
AND SHE'D SET HER TRAPS FOR
SOME OTHER POOR SCHNOOK,
AND BY THE TIME I GOT
BACK SHE'D HAVE HOOKED HIM,
AND SHE'D BE SAFELY
MARRIED AND I'D BE FREE.
SMART, HUH?
- THE SHARKS WOULD BE JUICER.
- THE ONLY QUESTION IS,
WHERE IN THIS WORLD CAN I
GO TO GET AWAY FROM HER?
WHERE WHERE WHERE?
- DON'T LOOK AT ME.
I FLUNKED GEOGRAPHY
FOUR TIMES OUT OF THREE.
- YOU DIDN'T DO TOO
GOOD IN ARITHMETIC EITHER.
- THE SHIP SAILS IN TEN MINUTES.
ALL VISITORS ASHORE,
PLEASE. ALL VISITORS ASHORE.
- OF COURSE. RIGHT
HERE. I'LL STOW AWAY.
WHEN THE SHIP SAILS, ZELDA
GETS OFF AND HEADS FOR HOME,
AND I STAY ON AND HEAD
FOR SOUTH AMERICA.
- YOU THINK WE'LL LIKE IT DOWN
THERE IN HOT TAMALESVILLE?
- WE? OH, NO, MAYNARD. NO.
I MEAN, I APPRECIATE
YOUR LOYALTY,
BUT YOU'VE GOT NO
REASON TO STOW AWAY.
- OH NO?
WHO'S GOING TO TAKE CARE
OF YOU WHEN YOU GET SEASICK?
WHO'S GOING TO BRING YOU
PILLS WHEN YOU GET SEASICK?
WHO'S GOING TO HOLD YOUR
HEAD WHEN YOU GET SEASICK?
- ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD. IF
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
- IT SURE IS, GOOD BUDDY.
AND YOU GOTTA
PROMISE ME ONE THING.
- WHAT?
- PLEASE DON'T GET SEASICK.
- YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT TO
ADMIT, I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.
AFTER ALL THESE
YEARS OF STRUGGLING,
I'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO LOOK
MYSELF IN THE EYE AND SAY,
GOODBYE, ZELDA.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE.
- GOODBYE, DOBIE?
ZELDA, WHAT KIND OF
DEFEATIST TALK IS THAT?
- OH, I'M TIRED OF BEATING
MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.
SURE I PUT ON A BIG ACT,
LIKE I GOT HIM ALL READY
TO PROPOSE, BUT I HAVEN'T.
- DEAR.
- AND I NEVER WILL.
DOBIE'S GOING TO STAY
A BACHELOR ALL HIS LIFE,
OR ELSE SOME OTHER GIRL'S
GOING TO COME ALONG AND GRAB HIM.
HE'LL NEVER BE MR. ZELDA GILROY.
- OH LISTEN, HONEY...
- OH, JANE, SEEING YOU
ACTUALLY GET MARRIED
MADE ME REALIZE I'VE BEEN
CHASING AFTER NOTHING
BUT A WILD, WONDERFUL,
IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.
IN THE DREAM I EVEN
KNOW HOW HE'D PROPOSE.
HE'D GET DOWN ON ONE
KNEE, NATURALLY, AND HE'D SAY,
[IMITATING DOBIE]
ZELDA, MY DEAR.
I SHALL LOVE YOU WITH
EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.
WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?
- ZELDA!
- THEN HIS KOOKY
FRIEND, MAYNARD,
WOULD CHARGE IN AND SAY,
[IMITATING MAYNARD]
LIKE, MARRY HER?
GOOD BUDDY, YOU
GOTTA BE JOSHING.
MY DOBIE WOULD REMAIN
LOYAL AND STEADFAST AND TRUE,
AND HE'D SAY,
[IMITATING DOBIE] YES, MAYNARD.
I SHALL MARRY ZELDA BECAUSE SHE
IS TRUTH AND BEAUTY AND POETRY.
- ZELDA!
HOW DID YOU IMITATE
THEIR VOICES SO PERFECTLY?
- OH, I SAW THIS COUPON
IN THE BACK OF A MAGAZINE.
THROW YOUR VOICE
FOR FUN AND PROFIT,
SO I SENT AWAY FOR THE COURSE.
I CAN COPY ANY VOICE I HEAR.
- ZELDA, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
- YEAH. EXCEPT GET DOBIE.
OH, JANE, IF HE'D ONLY
GIVE HIMSELF A CHANCE,
I KNOW MY SWEET,
DIMWITTED LAMEBRAIN
COULD LEARN TO LOVE ME.
BUT HOW'S HE GOING TO
FIND OUT? IT'S HOPELESS.
- I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
FOR A WHILE THERE IT LOOKED
HOPELESS FOR EDDIE AND ME, TOO.
- YEAH, I REMEMBER.
THEN HE GOT THAT JOB
FAR AWAY IN SOUTH AMERICA
AND HE BEGAN TO REALIZE
HOW LONELY HE WAS.
AND THREE WEEKS LATER
YOU GOT A CABLEGRAM SAYING,
DARLING, I LOVE YOU, I
MISS YOU, PLEASE MARRY ME.
CABLE ANSWER IMMEDIATELY,
COLLECT, IF NECESSARY.
JANE, MY PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
I SIMPLY PUT A PROVOCATIVE
AMOUNT OF DISTANCE
BETWEEN ME DOBIE,
AND GIVEN TIME TO REALIZE HOW
DELICIOUSLY VITAL I AM TO HIM,
AND VOILA, HERE COMES THE BRIDE.
- BUT HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
EDDIE WENT TO SOUTH AMERICA.
DOBIE'S STILL IN SCHOOL.
HE ISN'T GONG ANY PLACE.
- TRUE, BUT I AM.
TO SOUTH AMERICA
WITH YOU IN THIS CABIN.
- BUT...
- POOR DOBIE.
HE'LL BE MISERABLE.
OH, HE'LL SUFFER.
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
- BUT...
- NO ARGUING, GIRL.
LET'S GO FIND THE CAPTAIN
AND INTRODUCE HIM TO HIS
CHARMING NEW PASSENGER.
- AND AFTER THE
CAPTAIN CATCHES US,
HE PUTS CHAINS ON US AND
DRAGS US DOWN INTO THE CELLAR
AND MAKES US ROW THE BOAT
WITH THEM BIG LONG OARS.
- MAYNARD, THEY HAVEN'T
DONE THAT SINCE BEN-HUR.
- HE'LL MAKE US GALLERY SLAVES.
- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
WE JUST HIDE IN THIS LIFE BOAT
UNTIL WE'RE TOO FAR OUT AT SEA
FOR HIM TO TURN AROUND
AND BRING US BACK.
AND THEN WE COME OUT AND
PRESENT OURSELVES TO THE CAPTAIN,
AND VOLUNTEER TO DO ABSOLUTELY
ANYTHING TO PAY FOR OUR PASSAGE,
ANY KIND OF HARD, GRUELING WORK.
- WORK!
- MAYNARD, IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE
CAN MAKE UP FOR WHAT WE'VE DONE.
BESIDES IT'S BETTER THAN
GETTING MARRIED, ISN'T IT?
- WHAT AIN'T, GOOD
BUDDY? WHAT AIN'T?
- I'VE GOT TO HURRY UP AND
WRITE A NOTE TO MY FOLKS
AND TELL THEM WHAT WE'RE DOING.
IT'S A VACATION ANYHOW,
SO THEY WON'T MIND.
I'M GOING TO TELL THEM
TO CALL YOUR FOLKS, TOO,
AND EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
YOUR FATHER WON'T
OBJECT, WILL HE?
- OH, NO. HE LIKES
FOR ME TO TRAVEL.
I HAVE A STANDING OFFER.
HE'LL PAY MY TRANSPORTATION
TO ANYPLACE IN THE WORLD
I WANT TO GO.
- GOOD.
- ONE WAY.
- LAST CALL. THE SHIP
SAILS IN FIVE MINUTES.
ALL ASHORE. LAST CALL.
ALL VISITORS ASHORE AT ONCE.
- WELL, LATIN GENTLEMEN ARE
WORLD FAMOUS FOR THEIR CONCERN
WITH MATTERS OF THE HEART.
IS IT NOT SO?
- CARAMBA, YES.
WE LIVE FOR THE
MATTERS OF THE HEART.
- THEN CAPTAIN LOPEZ
WILL CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND
WHY I BEG HIM TO ALLOW
ME TO SAIL ON THIS SHIP.
I'VE BEEN FORSAKEN BY MY FIANCÉ.
MY HEART IS SICK WITH SORROW.
I MUST SAIL AWAY,
FAR AWAY, TO FORGET.
- WHY DID YOU NOT
SAY SO AT ONCE?
OF COURSE YOU MAY
SAIL WITH US, LITTLE ONE.
WHEN IT COMES TO
LOVE, REGULATIONS, BAH.
- BLESS YOU, SIR.
- A SEA VOYAGE WILL
MEND YOU RAPIDLY.
AND WHO KNOW, PERHAPS
YOU WILL FIND A NEW LOVE.
- ON THIS BOAT?
- IT IS TRUE WE ARE
MAINLY A CARGO SHIP,
BUT THERE ARE TWO OTHER
PASSENGERS, BOTH BACHELORS.
- I DON'T THINK I'M QUITE READY
FOR OTHER MEN YET, CAPTAIN.
- AH, THE ENGLISHMAN, VERY RICH.
- I'M BEHOLDEN TO
YOU, BUT NO THANKS.
- AND THE ITALIAN,
VERY HANDSOME.
- SOUNDS
FASCINATING, BUT I PASS.
- OH, WE SHALL SEE, MY CHILD.
WITH THE HEART, NO ONE CAN
TELL WHEN LOVE WILL ENTER
AND SWEEP ALL BEFORE IT,
AND WHEN IT DOES, REMEMBER,
LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- AVAILABLE?
- AVAILABLE?
- AVAILABLE.
THE BROKEN-HEARTED LITTLE
ONE CAN BE MARRIED AT SEA.
LOPEZ WILL PERFORM THE CEREMONY.
HE IS AVAILABLE.
- I SHOULD ONLY FIND
A GROOM SO AVAILABLE.
- TO MARRY A LOVING
COUPLE IS MY FONDEST DREAM.
TWENTY YEARS I HAVE WAITED,
AND I'M ALWAYS ON CARGO SHIPS.
I'VE FOUGHT HURRICANES
AND DODGED SUBMARINES,
AND SALVAGED SHIPWRECKS.
- BUT NEVER A WEDDING?
- NOT EVEN A REHEARSAL.
- I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
- NOT EVEN AN ENGAGEMENT.
- I'LL LOOK AROUND.
- NOT EVEN A REHEARSAL
FOR AN ENGAGEMENT.
- I'LL GIVE IT MY ALL.
- AH! WILL YOU,
SENORITA, GRACIAS.
AND NOW LOPEZ INSISTS
THAT YOU SAIL WITH US.
HE WILL ARRANGE EVERYTHING.
- THANK YOU, CAPTAIN LOPEZ.
- DEARLY BELOVED, WE
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN
AND THIS WOMAN...
GOOD, EH?
I'VE BEEN REHEARSING FOR A
VERY LONG DISTANCE. THIS WOMAN...
- HERE'S THE LOCATION OF
OUR SHIP, SOMEWHERE AT SEA,
BUT NOT HALF AS MUCH AS I WAS.
I MEAN, I, POOR, TRUSTING FOOL,
THOUGHT I WAS SAFE AND
SECURE AND ZELDA-LESS.
- WELL, I JUST SENT OFF A
RADIOGRAM TO MY FOLKS.
- GREAT.
- IN NO TIME AT ALL, DOBIE
WILL KNOW I AM FAR, FAR AWAY,
AND THEN WATCH HIM
START TO MISS ME. BOY.
- NOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO
DO IS WAIT AND BE PATIENT.
- RIGHT. AND WHEN IT COMES
TO BEING PATIENT, I AM A ROCK.
JANE?
- YES, DEAR.
- IT'S BEEN QUITE A WHILE
SINCE I SENT THAT RADIOGRAM,
SO HOW COME I HAVEN'T
HEARD FROM HIM?
- ZELDA.
- I'M HUNGRY, DOBE.
- MAYNARD, CALM DOWN.
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO LIVE
ON THE EMERGENCY RATIONS
WE FOUND IN THE LIFE BOAT.
- I'LL NEVER MAKE IT.
ALL I'VE HAD TO EAT IS
10 BOXES OF CRACKERS,
A PACKAGE OF DRIED BEEF,
20 OR 30 CHOCOLATE BARS
AND A GALLON OF POWDERED MILK.
- MAYNARD, SCIENTIFICALLY,
THAT'S ENOUGH TO GET YOU
THROUGH TWO FULL WEEKS.
- TWO FULL WEEKS?
I ATE THAT IN THE
LAST 10 MINUTES.
- AH, SENORITA.
ANOTHER LOVELY DAY, IS IT NOT?
- YEAH, I GUESS SO.
ANY MESSAGES FOR
ME, CAPTAIN LOPEZ?
- YES. THE YOUNG
ENGLISH PASSENGER
WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU.
AND THE YOUNG ITALIAN.
- NO. I MEANT LIKE MESSAGES
FROM HOME, LIKE A RADIOGRAM.
- ALAS, NO.
- GOLLY, IT'S BEEN
THREE DAYS NOW.
DO YOU THINK MAYBE THE
DELIVERY BOY'S ROW BOAT
BROKE DOWN OR SOMETHING?
- SENORITA, I'M THE
LAST MAN IN THE WORLD
TO THROW A WET
BLANKET ON ROMANCE.
IT SEEMS CLEAR THAT YOU AND
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS TERMINADO... POOF.
TAKE MY ADVICE AND FORGET HIM.
- I CAN'T!
- WELL, OF COURSE YOU CAN.
I SUGGEST A SHIPBOARD ROMANCE.
VERY STIMULATING.
- I IMAGINE.
- AND IF IT SHOULD BLOSSOM
INTO THE REAL THING...
- I KNOW.
- LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- I FIGURED.
- DEARLY BELOVED, WE
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN
IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.
- BY THE TIME YOU
RECEIVE THIS LETTER,
I WILL BE MANY, MANY MILES AWAY.
I HAVE TAKEN THIS DRASTIC
STEP AND RUN AWAY BECAUSE I'M...
I'M...
- TRY CHICKEN.
- BECAUSE I'M... I'M...
- TRY YELLOW-BELLIED.
- MAYNARD, THIS IS SERIOUS.
I HAVE TO WRITE ZELDA A
LETTER THAT WILL CONVINCE HER
THAT SHE BETTER FORGET ABOUT
ME AND LATCH ONTO SOME OTHER...
OTHER...
- SUCKER.
- MAYNARD.
I'LL TRY AGAIN. DEAR ZELDA...
- YES, DOBIE?
- SO FAR I DON'T LIKE IT.
- DEAR ZELDA, PLEASE
BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU
THAT I WISH YOU ALL
POSSIBLE HAPPINESS,
MAINLY A HUSBAND,
AND PLEASE BE QUICK ABOUT IT.
PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND,
ZELDA, OLD FRIEND,
THAT TAKING THIS TRIP IS THE
WISEST THING FOR BOTH OF US,
SO GOODBYE FOREVER.
YOUR PAL, DOBIE.
HERE'S WHERE WE ARE,
LATITUDE 20 DEGREES NORTH,
LONGITUDE 66 DEGREES WEST.
AND HERE I AM WITH AN
UNINFORMED LATITUDE
AND A BLISSFULLY
IGNORANT LONGITUDE,
AND I WAS ALL SET
TO BE TORPEDOED.
- CAPTAIN LOPEZ, I'M SO
HAPPY TO FIND YOU IN.
- AH, SENORITA. IT IS ALWAYS
A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
- I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
BRING ON YOUR ENGLISHMAN.
- AHA!
- AND YOUR ITALIAN.
- AH HO?
- AND I'LL BE ON THE FOREDECK
BEFORE YOU IN 20 MINUTES,
WITH A PROPERLY
FASCINATING WARDROBE.
- SENORITA, I SHALL
ARRANGE EVERYTHING,
AND REMEMBER IF
ROMANCE SHOULD BLOSSOM...
- I KNOW. LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- AND HE'S BEEN LIVING IN
THAT LIFEBOAT ALL THIS TIME?
THAT'S AMAZING.
- WITH MAYNARD.
- THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
- HURRY UP, PLEASE, JANE.
THAT ENGLISH FELLOW'S
MEETING ME UP ON DECK.
- JUST A MINUTE.
THIS DRESS OF MINE FITS
A LITTLE TIGHT ON YOUR.
- THE TIGHTER THE BETTER.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE DOBIE
HEARS SOME SWEET TALK
THAT WILL REALLY WAKE HIM UP.
SO THEN THE ELEPHANT SAID, IN
MY TRUNK, DOESN'T EVERYONE?
[LAUGHING]
- VERY FUNNY, VERY.
- OH, I HAVE MANY, MANY
MORE JUICY TIDBITS LIKE THAT
FOR YOU DEREK, MY DEAR.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE
ABOUT THE RED HOT COAL?
- CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.
- YOU WOULDN'T GRASP IT.
[LAUGHING]
DEREK, DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S
AN AMUSING JOKE? RED HOT COAL.
- MAYNARD, WAKE UP. I
MUST BE HAVING A NIGHTMARE.
- THIS TIME OF DAY IT
MUST BE A MORNINGMARE.
- I THOUGHT I HEARD ZELDA.
- OOH, YOU'RE THAT.
THAT'S A NIGHTMARE.
- WHAT SAY WE NIP INSIDE
FOR A SPOT OF TEA, EH,
WHAT, MISS GILROY?
- OH, DEREK DARLING,
PLEASE CALL ME ZELDA.
- OH, VERY WELL, ZELDA.
- DEREK DUMPLING, YOU
SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS.
- LOOK HERE, OLD
GIRL, ALL I SAID...
- OH, NO. NO. PLEASE, MY
DEAREST, DON'T SAY IT AGAIN,
YOU'LL TURN MY PRETTY HEAD.
- NOW, SEE HERE...
- OOH, WHO SAID YOU ENGLISHMEN
ARE COOL AND RESERVED.
COME, MY TIGER, LET US GO BELOW
AND COOL OUR SMOLDERING PASSIONS
WITH BOILING TEA.
- MAYNARD, IT'S FATE,
IT'S KISMET, IT'S DESTINY.
- IT'S ZELDA.
- DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?
- CLEAN LIVING?
- SO THEN THE ELEPHANT
SAID... THE ELEPHANTE, GINO,
IN MY TRUNK, DOESN'T EVERYONE?
[LAUGHING]
- FUNNY. VERY FUNNY.
- OH, I HAVE MANY, MANY
MORE JUICY PIZZAS LIKE THAT
FOR YOU, GINO, MON AMORE.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT
THE RED HOT COAL...
- NO, SENORITA, NO.
- YOU WOULDN'T GRASP IT.
[LAUGHING]
- VERY AMUSING.
- OH GINO, HOW
ROMANTIC YOUR ARE.
- SI?
- SI.
- ALL I SAID IS SI, SENORITA.
- IT WASN'T SO MUCH WHAT
YOU SAID AS THE WAY YOU SAID IT,
OOH, YOU ROMANTIC
ITALIAN LOVERS.
- OLD ZEL'S MAKING A
LOT OF NEW FRIENDS, HUH?
- YEAH.
- THAT'S, LIKE, GOOD, HUH?
- YOU BET. NOW SHE WON'T BE
MOPING AROUND AFTER I'M GONE.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- WONDERING IF I'LL
EVER COME BACK,
SITTING THERE BROKEN
HEARTED WHISPERING MY NAME.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- IN FACT, I WONDER IF
SHE'LL REMEMBER MY NAME.
- ALL RIGHT.
SO NOW DOBIE THINKS YOU'RE
ATTRACTED TO OTHER MEN,
SO HE GETS JEALOUS.
- YEAH. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
- BUT NOT JEALOUS ENOUGH
TO CLIMB OUT OF THAT LIFEBOAT
AND PROPOSE.
- YEAH, ISN'T IT AWFUL.
- AND HE NEVER WILL UNLESS HE
THINKS YOU'RE ALL SET TO MARRY
ONE OF THOSE OTHER FELLOWS.
- TRUE. AND THEY'RE HARDLY
FLIPPING FOR ME, ARE THEY?
- NO OFFENSE, BUT HARDLY.
WELL, WHERE DO WE GO
FROM HERE, SMART APPLE?
- IN FOR THE KILL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN...
[IMITATING DEREK] MY
DEAR, WOULD YOU DO ME
THE HONOR TO BECOME MY
LITTLE CRUMPET, FOR LIFE?
[LAUGHING]
- DEREK, YOU RASCAL, YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
[IMITATING DEREK] YES, MY SWEET,
BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.
YOU ARE SO LOVELY, SO
CHARMING, SO UTTERLY IRRESISTIBLE.
AGAIN, I COULDN'T RESIST.
FORGIVE ME, ZELDA, YOU
BRING OUT THE ANIMAL IN ME.
YOU MUST MARRY ME, AT ONCE.
BUT DEREK, WE'VE ONLY JUST MET.
[IMITATING DEREK]
WHAT DOES TIME MATTER
WHEN OUR TWO HEARTS BEAT AS ONE?
- HEY, DOBE, YOU'RE
IN FREEDOMSVILLE,
SHE HOOKED A SUCKER.
- OH, BOY.
[IMITATING DEREK]
- ZELDA, MY ADORABLE
MUTTON CHOP, I HAVE
A CASTLE IN WALES,
A TOWNHOUSE IN LONDON, AND
A HUNTING LODGE IN SCOTLAND.
MARRY ME AND THEY ARE YOURS.
OH, DEREK, YOU MAKE
ME FEEL VERY PROUD,
BUT I CANNOT MARRY
YOU FOR I LOVE ANOTHER.
[IMITATING DEREK] OH NO!
OH YES. MY HEART BELONGS
TO A BOY NAMED DOBIE GILLIS.
[IMITATING DEREK] DOPIE GILLIS?
- THAT'S DOBIE WITH A B.
- DEREK, HE'S NOT
REALLY VERY MUCH.
IN FACT, HE'S KIND OF
A TEN-THUMBED IDIOT,
BUT I LOVE HIM AND
HE'S WHAT I WANT.
[IMITATING DEREK] SO BE
IT MY LITTLE PARTRIDGE,
BUT I SHALL NEVER FORGET YOU.
NEVER.
FAREWELL, DEREK.
[IMITATING DEREK] CHEERIO.
- GEE, I'M GETTING ALL MISTY.
- YEAH.
- PASSED UP A CASTLE
AND A HUNTING LODGE.
- YEAH. AND DON'T
FORGET THE TOWNHOUSE.
- YEAH. AND ALL FOR A FELLOW
SHE'S NOT EVEN GONNA GET.
- YEAH, POOR KID.
- GINO!
- MAN, FOR A SMALL BOAT,
THERE'S SURE A MESS OF ACTION.
[IMITATING GINO]
- ZELDA, MY SMALL WHITE DOVE.
OOH, GINO, YOU'RE SO
STRONG, YOU'RE CRUSHING ME.
[IMITATING GINO] ZELDA,
MIA CARA, I WORSHIP YOU.
OH, GINO.
[IMITATING GINO] MARRY
ME AND YOU WILL HAVE
WEALTH, LUXURY, EVERYTHING
YOUR LITTLE HEART COULD DESIRE.
OH, GINO!
[IMITATING GINO]
YOU WILL PEARLS,
JEWELS, SERVANTS.
OH, GINO!
[IMITATING GINO] YOUR BOUDOIR
WILL BE CARPETED WITH
ERMINE, WALL TO WALL.
OH, GINO, NO.
IT CANNOT BE. MY
HEART IS ALREADY GIVEN.
[IMITATING GINO] OH, NO.
OH, SI. HIS NAME
IS DOBIE GILLIS.
[IMITATING GINO] DOPIE GILLIS?
- IT'S DOBIE WITH A B.
- HE'LL NEVER GIVE ME
SERVANTS AND JEWELS, GINO,
OR ERMINE, WALL TO WALL.
HE'S JUST KIND OF SWEET
AND DUMB AND HELPLESS,
AND THAT'S WHY HE
NEEDS ME AND I NEED HIM.
- MAYNARD.
- DON'T TALK TO ME,
YOU LOW DOWN RAT.
[IMITATING GINO]
- ZELDA, YOU ARE A GREAT WOMAN
WITH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL.
I WILL NOT BE ROBBED OF
SUCH A TREASURE BY THIS...
THIS DOPIE GILLIS PERSON.
OH, GINO, I WANT TO SAY
YES. I'M TRYING TO SAY YES.
OH, GINO, IF ONLY
I COULD SAY YES.
- DON'T SAY IT, ZELDA.
DON'T MARRY HIM, DON'T.
ZELDA, IT'S ME.
- DOBIE! MAYNARD! WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.
OH, ZELDA, I'VE
BEEN SUCH A FOOL.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- YOU WERE SAYING, SNOOKUMS?
- I HEARD THOSE TWO FELLOWS
PROPOSING TO YOU, ZELDA,
AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M NOBODY VERY MUCH,
BUT, WELL, IF YOU STILL
WANT ME. I'M YOURS.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- OH, DOBIE.
- I MEAN IT ZELDA.
MARRY ME, PLEASE.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- OKAY. WHEN?
- TONIGHT, TOMORROW, ANY TIME.
THE SECOND WE CAN FIND
SOMEONE TO MARRY US.
- LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- WHERE'S GINO?
- AHA, THE YOUNG LOVERS.
AT LAST, THE MOMENT
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.
MY DEBUT.
- HEY, WHERE'S GINO.
- MARK THIS SPOT WELL.
NO. IT'S NOT WHERE THE
TITANIC HIT AN ICEBERG,
BUT WHAT DID HAPPEN HERE
WAS AN AWFUL BIG TRAGEDY, TOO.
- DEARLY BELOVED, WE
ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY
TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN
IN THE BONDS OF HOLY MATRIMONY.
- DOBIE, ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS?
- OF COURSE.
- YOU COULD STILL BACK OUT.
- NO. I WANT TO MARRY YOU.
- HONEST?
- HONEST.
GEE, WHEN I THINK OF ALL
THOSE THINGS YOU GAVE FOR ME,
CASTLES AND CRUMPETS AND
WALL-TO-WALL ERMINE CARPETS.
- DOBIE, WILL THOU
TAKE THIS WOMAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE,
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD IN
SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE
TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?
- I WILL.
- ZELDA, WILL THOU TAKE THIS MAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND,
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD IN
SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,
TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?
- NO.
- ZELDA?
- I KNEW IT WAS
TOO GOOD TO LAST.
QUE LASTIMA!
- ZELDA... ZELDA, WHAT'S WRONG?
- I CAN'T DO IT TO YOU, DOBIE.
I CAN'T MARRY YOU THIS WAY.
- BUT I WANT YOU TO
MARRY ME. I ASKED YOU.
- I TRICKED YOU INTO IT.
- NO, ZELDA.
I HEARD THOSE TWO RICH
FELLOWS PROPOSING TO YOU.
- NO, YOU DIDN'T DOBIE.
YOU HEARD ME BY THE
LIFEBOAT IMITATING THEIR VOICES.
ZELDA, MI CARA, WILL YOU
BE MY LITTLE PIZZA FOR LIFE?
MY CASTLE IN WALES, MY
TOWNHOUSE IN LONDON,
MY HUNTING LODGE IN SCOTLAND.
MARRY ME AND THEY ARE YOURS.
SEE, DOBIE?
- HMM.
- BUT I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE
I WANTED TO MARRY YOU
MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
IN THE WORLD, AND I STILL DO.
- ZELDA...
- BUT NOT UNTIL YOU
WANT TO MARRY ME...
REALLY WANT TO MARRY ME.
DOBIE, DO YOU HATE ME?
- WELL...
- IT WAS A ROTTEN TRICK.
- TRUE.
BUT CLEVER.
AND IF A GIRL CARES THAT
MUCH ABOUT A FELLA, WELL...
- YOU MEAN, MAYBE
SOMEHOW, SOMEDAY,
THERE MIGHT STILL BE A CHANCE
FOR THIS FELLA AND THIS GIRL?
- WHY NOT? THERE'S CERTAINLY
NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS GIRL.
IT'S JUST THAT THIS FELLA ISN'T
READY YET TO BE A HUSBAND.
BUT SOME DAY HE WILL BE.
- THIS GIRL WILL WAIT,
DOBIE, UNTIL THAT DAY COMES.
- AND WHEN IT DOES,
REMEMBER LOPEZ IS AVAILABLE.
- MAYNARD, STOP GRIPING.
A LITTLE DECK SCRUBBING
IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY
FOR A FREE ROUND
TRIP TO SOUTH AMERICA.
- YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
I'D HAVE TO WORK. WORK!
- MAYNARD, THIS WAY
WE'LL ARRIVE BACK HOME
SEAWORTHY,
SUNTANNED, AND SINGLE.
- YEAH, DOBE.
YOU'RE THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION
WHEN IT COMES TO DODGING
THAT HOLY DEADLOCK.
- THAT'S WEDLOCK. YOU
KNOW SOMETHING, MAYNARD?
I'M NOT SURE I WANT
TO KEEP DODGING IT.
- LIKE, NO!
- LIKE, YES.
THIS IS JUST BETWEEN US, BUT
I'M ABOUT READY TO SURRENDER
WITHOUT ANYBODY
PLAYING A TRICK ON ME.
I MEAN... I MEAN,
A GIRL LIKE ZELDA
COMES ALONG ONCE IN A LIFETIME.
- YEAH. BUT WHAT'S
BEST OF ALL, GOOD BUDDY,
IS SHE, LIKE, LOVES YOU,
AND SHE ALWAYS WILL.
AND SHE'S LOYAL
AND HONEST AND TRUE,
AND HOW YOU GONNA BEAT
A COMBINATION LIKE THAT?
- MAYNARD, HOW COME
YOU'RE ALL OF A SUDDEN
SUCH A STRONG... ZELDA.
ALL RIGHT, ZELDA.
WHAT'D YOU DO WITH...
- LIKE, HELP! HELP!