The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 3, Episode 12 - Crazylegs Gillis - full transcript

- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.
- OH, HELLO, MAYNARD.

I SEE YOU FOUND ME.

- DON'T TALK TO ME,
YOU-LOW DOWN RAT.

I JUST FIGURED IT OUT AND
YOU'VE BEEN HIDING FROM ME,

AND YOU OUGHT TO
BE, LIKE, ASHAMED.

I MEAN, I GOT FEELINGS.
I'M A HUMAN PERSON.

- MAYNARD, I WASN'T REALLY
TRYING TO AVOID YOU, HONEST.

- I TRUSTED YOU,
AND YOU SNUCK AWAY.

WHY WOULD YOU COMMIT
SUCH A HATEFUL CRIME

ON SUCH A SWEET LOVABLE KID?

MAN, OH, MAN, WHAT A
DUMBHEAD QUESTION.



WHAT'S HER NAME?
- LILA WATKINS.

AND WAIT TILL YOU
SEE HER, MAYNARD.

SHE'S EXQUISITE... A PRINCESS, A
DUCHESS, AN EMPRESS, A QUEEN.

- A ROYAL HIGHNESS-SHIP
THAT LIKE HACKING AROUND

WITH A COMMON
CAT LIKE YOU, DOBE?

NO OFFENSE.

- AND NO OFFENSE,
MAYNARD, AND SHE IS.

SHE'S GOT A JOB BABYSITTING
FOR ONE OF THE STUDENTS,

AND I'M GONNA KEEP HER COMPANY.

- UH-OH. WATCH IT, DOBE.

SHE'S TRYING TO PULL
SOMETHING SNEAKY.

ANYBODY WHO'S OLD
ENOUGH TO BE A STUDENT

DON'T HAVE TO BE SAT
WITH BY NO BABYSITTER.

- EXCEPT YOU.



- EXCEPT ME. I
WENT TILL LAST YEAR.

- HI.

- AH, THERE YOU ARE, LILA,
MY GREAT TAWNY ANIMAL.

- GEE, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
HAVE YOU BEEN WAITING LONG?

- NOPE. I JUST GOT HERE.

- MAYNARD.

LILA, MY ANGEL,
THIS IS MY FRIEND

MAYNARD G. KREBS, AND
HE WAS JUST LEAVING.

- I WAS?

- YOU WAS.

- OKAY.

I WONDER HOW YOU
KNEW I WAS LEAVING.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW I WAS LEAVING.

OOH, WHAT AN AGE WE LIVE IN.

- I'M AFRAID IT WON'T BE MUCH
OF A DATE FOR US TONIGHT, DOBIE.

I MEAN, BABYSITTING IN A
CROWDED LITTLE APARTMENT

JUST THE TWO OF US.

WHAT WILL WE DO?

- SOMEHOW, MY DEAR,

I'M PRETTY SURE I'LL
THINK OF SOMETHING.

- 14.

I'M SITTING FOR A FAMILY
NAMED BRONKOWSKI.

- BRONKOWSKI?

THAT'S GOT TO BE
TRUCKHORSE BRONKOWSKI,

THE FOOTBALL PLAYER.

I SEE HIM EVERY DAY AT PRACTICE.

I'M THE ASSISTANT MANAGER
OF THE TEAM, YOU KNOW?

- OH, GOODNESS, HOW EXCITING.
YOU MUST TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.

- OH, I SHALL. I SHALL.

THE VERY MOMENT THE
BABY'S QUIET AND WE'RE ALONE.

- IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU KIDS GOT HERE.

ME AND THE LITTLE WOMAN,
WE'VE GOT A CLASS OVER

TO THE NIGHT SCHOOL.

[JAZZ THEME]

- IN HIS FOOTBALL CAREER,

TRUCKHORSE BRONKOWSKI'S
WRECKED A LOT OF THINGS,

TACKLES, GUARDS, CENTERS.

ONCE AN ENTIRE GOALPOST
THAT GOT IN HIS WAY,

INCLUDING THE
CONCRETE FOUNDATION.

BUT HE WASN'T GOING TO WRECK
MY UNWRECKABLE ROMANCE WITH LILA.

HEY, LOOK, A LITTLE
MILK? A LITTLE MILK?

SHH. SHH.

HERE, HERE, WATCH, WATCH,
WATCH, WATCH, WATCH.

MMM.

YEP, IT WAS A TOUGH
FIGHT, AND I'VE GOT THE LIMP

AND THE LAUNDRY
BILLS TO PROVE IT.

BUT AT LAST, THE
BATTLE WAS OVER.

THE ENTIRE JUNIOR
VARSITY WAS ASLEEP,

AND I SETTLED DOWN
TO ENJOY THE FRUITS

OF MY HARD-EARNED VICTORY.

ALMOST.

- ORVILLE, HE'S COMING DOWN
WITH THE SNIFFLES, I KNOW IT.

- YEAH. ORVILLE?

- ORVILLE.
- OH, HIM, YEAH.

- ALL OF A SUDDEN, I
REMEMBER HOW HE SNEEZED

TWICE THIS MORNING,

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE WAR OF 1812.

- THE WAR OF 1812?

- THAT'S WHAT WE WAS STUDYING
IN THE NIGHT SCHOOL CLASS

WHEN I REMEMBERED
ABOUT THE SNEEZING.

[BABY CRYING]

DADDY'S COMING, ORVILLE.
HOLD THAT LINE THERE, BOY.

- I MAY VOTE TO HAVE FOOTBALL
DECLARED UN-AMERICAN.

- STOP THAT SNIFFLING, TEAMMATE.
DADDY WILL FIX WHATEVER HURTS.

WHERE DOES IT HURT, PUMPKIN?

- OH, FOR PETE'S SAKES,
BRONC, WHAT GOT INTO YOU?

YOU BARRELED OUT
OF THAT CLASSROOM

LIKE IT WAS FOURTH
DOWN AND GOAL TO GO.

- I COULDN'T HELP IT, ETHEL. I
GOT TO THINKING ABOUT ORVILLE.

- OH, BRONC IS A BIG WORRIER.

- BRONC IS A BIG MYSTERY.

- LOOK HOW PALE MY
POOR LITTLE ROOKIE LOOKS.

ROCK THEM BACK, ORVILLE,
BABY. DADDY'S HERE.

- BRONC, THAT ISN'T
ORVILLE. IT'S SHERWIN.

- OH.

WELL, SHERWIN DON'T
LOOK TOO GOOD EITHER.

[BABIES CRYING]

- HI THERE.

- HE REALLY BABIES THOSE KIDS,

THEY THINK HE'S THEIR MOTHER.

HEY, COME ON, BRONC.

BRONC, WE'VE GOT
TO GET BACK TO CLASS.

- YEAH.

- BRONC, WE GOT TO
GET BACK TO CLASS.

- OH, I CAN'T, ETHEL.

NOT WHEN ORVILLE,
OR IS IT SHERWIN,

IS MAYBE COMING
DOWN WITH SOMETHING.

- OKAY. OKAY.

NOW, WE WON'T GO
BACK TO CLASS TONIGHT,

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S
GOING TO GET YOU

INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE.

- WHAT KIND OF TROUBLE
CAN A MAN GET INTO

BY BEING KIND TO HIS KIDS?

- WELL, PLENTY.

IF HE KEEPS FUSSING
ABOUT THE KIDS

INSTEAD OF PAYING MORE ATTENTION
TO HIS CLASSWORK AND FOOTBALL,

HE IS GONNA GET
TOSSED OUT ON HIS EAR,

AND IT'LL BE GOODBYE,
COLLEGE, HELLO, COAL MINE.

- YEAH.

I'D HATE TO GO BACK TO
DIGGING, BUT THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,

I GOT A RESPONSIBILITY
TO MY SQUAD HERE.

I BROUGHT THEM INTO THIS
WORLD, WITH YOUR HELP, OF COURSE,

MY DEAR,

BUT I'VE GOT TO SEE THAT
THEY'RE TAKEN CARE OF RIGHT.

I SURE DON'T WANT
TO GIVE UP SCHOOL.

I WANT TO GRADUATE
AND BE A COACH.

BUT IF IT'S A TOSS-UP
BETWEEN GETTING MY DEGREE

AND WATCHING OUT FOR MY KIDS,

WELL, THE KIDS WIN WITHOUT EVEN
TAKING OFF THEIR SWEATSHIRTS.

AH, WHAT'S THE USE TALKING,
I'LL NEVER GRADUATE ANYHOW.

- WHAT KIND OF
QUITTER'S TALK IS THAT?

TRUCKHORSE BRONKOWSKI
NEVER GIVES UP.

- TOO LATE. I'VE BEEN SO BUSY,

I MISSED PLAYING IN THREE
GAMES ALREADY THIS SEASON.

IF I MISS ONE MORE,

COACH MURDOCK IS GONNA
TOSS ME OFF THE TEAM,

AND I'LL BE OUT OF
SCHOOL FOR SURE.

- DOBIE, IT WOULD BE
SUCH A TERRIBLE LOSS

IF BRONC DIDN'T GRADUATE
AND GET TO BE A COACH.

CAN'T WE DO SOMETHING TO HELP?

- WE CAN SURE TRY. I'M GONNA
TALK TO COACH MURDOCK.

HE'S A ROUGH, TOUGH CUSTOMER,
BUT HE DOESN'T SCARE ME.

- GET OUT OF HERE, GILLIS,

BEFORE I STUFF YOU AND
SERVE YOU UP TO THE TEAM

AS A TACKLING DUMMY.

- COACH, I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO
GIVE POOR BRONKOWSKI A BREAK,

PLEASE.

BE REASONABLE, SIR.
- NO.

- MAYBE WE OUGHT TO
EXPLAIN TO THE COACH

WHAT REASONABLE MEANS.

YOUR COACHMANSHIP,
THE WORD REASONABLE...

- KREBS.
- YOUR FOOTBALLSHIP?

- YOU'RE SECOND ASSISTANT
TO THE ASSISTANT MANAGER

OF THE TEAM, RIGHT?

- LIKE, RIGHT, AND PROUD
AND HONORED TO SERVE,

YOUR GRIDIRONSHIP.

- ONE MORE BRIGHT
CRACK OUT OF YOU,

AND I'LL HAVE YOUR
JOB, UNDERSTAND?

- YOU AIN'T GONNA BE
HAPPY WITH THE ONE YOU GET.

IT'S AN AWFUL MISERABLE JOB.

BUT IF YOUR LITTLE
HEART'S SET ON IT,

YOU CAN HAVE IT RIGHT NOW.

HERE'S MY WATER BUCKET,
YOUR COACHMANSHIP.

- ONLY GOOD MANNERS AND
MY CONTRACT WITH THE SCHOOL

IS KEEPING ME FROM
TEARING YOU TO PIECES.

NOW, GET OUT. OUT.

- YOUR SPORTSMANSHIP, I...
- OUT!

- BUT WHAT ABOUT
BRONKOWSKI, SIR?

HE'S A WONDERFUL FELLA.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO
GRADUATE AND BECOME A COACH.

- HE'S A GREAT GUY,
BUT RULES ARE RULES.

HE'S ALREADY MISSED
PLAYING IN THREE GAMES.

ONE MORE AND I GOT TO
THROW HIM OFF THE TEAM.

IT'S IN THE BOOK.

- BUT HE ONLY MISSED THOSE
GAMES BECAUSE HE WAS SO BUSY

TAKING CARE OF HIS FAMILY.

- I'D DO ANYTHING I
COULD TO HELP HIM,

BUT I DON'T WRITE THE
RULES. I ONLY CARRY THEM OUT.

- COULDN'T YOU MAKE
AN EXCEPTION, SIR?

KIDS NEED MEN LIKE BRONKOWSKI

TO BE THEIR COACHES
AND LEAD THEM.

- I'M A FAMILY MAN MYSELF. I
KNOW HOW BRONKOWSKI FEELS.

- OF COURSE, SIR.

A MAN WITH SUCH LOVE
AND DEVOTION TO HIS FAMILY

SHOULD BE HONORED, NOT PUNISHED.

- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, GILLIS.

THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME.

- OH, MY PLEASURE, SIR.

THEN BRONKOWSKI CAN
MISS PLAYING IN A GAME

ONCE IN A WHILE

IF HE HAPPENS TO BE
BUSY WITH HIS FAMILY?

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

HE PLAYS IN EVERY COTTON-
PICKIN' GAME ON MY SCHEDULE,

OR HE'S OUT ON HIS EAR.

- BUT, COACH, YOU JUST AGREED
THAT A MAN'S FAMILY COMES FIRST.

- AND IF WE DON'T START WINNING
SOME GAMES PRETTY SOON,

MY FAMILY'S GONNA STARVE.

SO YOU GO TELL BRONKOWSKI
HE BETTER PLAY THIS SATURDAY,

AND HE BETTER PLAY
GOOD! NOW, GET OUT!

- YES.
- OUT!

- YOUR GRIDIRONSHIP?
- NOW WHAT?

- YOU KEEP THE
BUCKET, YOU DESERVE IT.

- NOW, THE WAY I SEE IT,
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE SURE

THAT BRONC GOES
TO ALL HIS CLASSES,

AND PLAYS IN ALL
THE REMAINING GAMES

STARTING WITH THIS SATURDAY'S.

- I'VE GOT A SMASHING IDEA.

WE COULD ALL HELP
AROUND THE APARTMENT.

THAT SHOULD LIFT A
BIG LOAD OFF HIS MIND.

- HEY, WE SURE COULD,
COULDN'T WE, MAYNARD?

- YEAH. YOU SURE COULD.

- MAYNARD.
- BYE.

- "WE" ALSO MEANS YOU.

- I GOT TO WORK UP
A FASTER GETAWAY.

- THERE'S ONE OTHER
THING WE CAN DO.

TRY TO TALK MY FATHER
INTO GIVING THE BRONKOWSKIS

A DISCOUNT ON THEIR GROCERIES,

AND MENTIONING MY
FATHER AND A DISCOUNT

IN THE SAME BREATH IS
THE SIGN OF A WEAK MIND,

AND I WITHDRAW THE SUGGESTION.

- WHY, DOBIE? I
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW
EXACTLY HOW TO PUT IT.

- PUT IT? I KNOW
EXACTLY HOW TO PUT IT.

YOUR FATHER'S A
TIGHTWAD IS HOW TO PUT IT.

- PUT IT, PUT IT!

- MAYNARD. MAYNARD, PLEASE.

- DOBIE, YOUR FATHER
COULDN'T BE SO CHEAP

THAT HE'LL REFUSE TO HELP
PEOPLE LIKE THE BRONKOWSKIS.

- YOU'RE A NEW GIRL
IN TOWN, AIN'T YOU?

- NOW WAIT A
MINUTE, LET'S BE FAIR.

MAYBE WHEN THE FACTS
ARE PRESENTED TO HIM,

DAD WILL FOOL US ALL AND
BE REAL EAGER TO HELP.

- HELP?

OH, SON, I'LL BE HAPPY TO HELP

ANY DESERVING
YOUNG FRIEND OF YOURS

WHO'S WORKING HIS
WAY THROUGH COLLEGE

AND SUPPORTING HIS FAMILY.

WHAT CAN I DO?

- GIVE HIM ALL HIS
GROCERIES AT A DISCOUNT.

- WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH THESE KIDS NOWADAYS?

DON'T THEY KNOW HOW
TO HANG ONTO A BUCK?

- YOU'RE ALL HEART, MR. G.

- LOOK, I HAD TO WORK HARD
FOR EVERYTHING I GOT IN LIFE.

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY OPEN-HANDED
FATHER NAMED GENEROUS T. GILLIS

LIKE SOME KIDS I KNOW,

AND I WON'T EMBARRASS YOU
BY MENTIONING HIS NAME, DOBIE,

WHO GET PAID A DOLLAR
AND A HALF AN HOUR

JUST TO STAND AROUND THE
STORE AND LOOK LIKE HE'S WORKING.

- DAD, I'VE GOT
CALLUSES ON MY HANDS

FROM WORKING SO HARD, THE
SALARY'S 75 CENTS AN HOUR,

AND YOU HAVEN'T PAID ME A
PENNY OF IT SINCE LAST CHRISTMAS.

- DETAILS. DETAILS.

IT'S PRINCIPLE
I'M INTERESTED IN.

- WELL, THERE GOES
ANOTHER SENSATIONAL IDEA

GURGLING DOWN THE DRAIN.

[GURGLING]

MAYNARD. POOR BRONKOWSKI.

- HOW COME YOU
DIDN'T TELL YOUR FATHER

IT WAS BRONKOWSKI?

- OH, I WAS AFRAID
HE'D BE EMBARRASSED

IF EVERYBODY KNEW HE WAS
TEMPORARILY SHORT OF MONEY.

- WHY? I DON'T GET EMBARRASSED,

AND EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M
PERMANENTLY SHORT OF MONEY.

- I PROMISED MRS. BRONKOWSKI
I'D PICK UP SOME BABY SUPPLIES

FOR HER.

I GUESS WE'LL JUST
HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM

AT DAD'S REGULAR PRICES,

AND THERE GOES MY
SALARY TILL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

DAD, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- WHAT ABOUT, THEM GROCERIES
FOR THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?

- YEAH.
- I AIN'T TALKING.

- NO. WE'LL PAY
THE REGULAR PRICE.

- CASH?
- CASH.

- I'M TALKING.

AND, SON, I AM HAPPY
THAT YOU DECIDED

NOT TO ARGUE WITH
ME BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

I'M KNOWN IN THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD AS A HARDHEAD.

- NO, MR. G. WHAT YOU'RE KNOWN
AROUND THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS...

- MAYNARD, HELP ME
WITH THE SHOPPING.

NOW, LET'S SEE.

WE'LL NEED A 20 PACKAGE DIAPERS,
SIX CANS OF TALCUM POWDER

AND FOUR BOTTLES OF BABY OIL.

THAT WILL DO IT, DAD.
HOW MUCH DO WE...

- $12.32

AND DON'T BOTHER
CHECKING THE CASH REGISTER.

I CAN OUTSMART IT
EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK.

- UH-HUH.

- SON, I KNOW IT'S
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT HOW COME YOU'RE
BUYING ALL OF THIS BABY STUFF,

BABY OIL, DIAPERS, TALCUM?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT'S
NONE OF MY BUSINESS?

WHOSE BUSINESS IS IT
IF IT ISN'T A FATHER'S?

- WHAT, DAD?

- WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS FELLA
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BUYING

ALL THIS STUFF FOR?

- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE,
DAD? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HIM.

- TRY ME. TRY ME.

- I'D RATHER NOT.
- UH-HUH.

- I DON'T MIND TELLING
YOU, MR. G. HE'S A...

- MAYNARD.
- STRANGER.

- STRANGER?

- IRVING W. STRANGER.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU SMARTIES.

WINNIE! WINNIE! WINNIE? WINNIE!

- GEE, DAD. I DID
FORGET SOMETHING.

I'LL TAKE A COUPLE OF
DOZEN BABY BOTTLES.

- HERBERT, WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU WERE YELLING SO LOUD, I
THOUGHT THE STORE WAS ON FIRE.

- OH, I WISH THAT
ALL IT WAS, WINNIE,

BECAUSE WE GOT
INSURANCE FOR THAT.

LISTEN. [WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

- NO.

- YEAH, I'D BETTER TAKE A
COUPLE OF BOTTLE WARMERS.

- I REST MY CASE.
- HERBERT, WILL YOU STOP THIS?

YOU'RE JUMPING TO
RIDICULOUS CONCLUSIONS.

THERE'S PROBABLY SOME
PERFECTLY SIMPLE EXPLANATION

FOR THE WHOLE THING.

- I'VE HEARD ABOUT THESE
RUNAWAY MARRIAGES,

BUT WHO'D EVER THINK
DOBIE WOULD DO IT TO US

AND THE BABY?

- GEE, I THINK I'D BETTER
TAKE A COUPLE OF DOZEN CANS

OF STRAINED BABY FOOD TOO, DAD.

- SEE, YOU'RE SCARED TOO.

- NO, I AM NOT.

DOBIE, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- YES, MOM?

- DEAR, I WANT YOU TO TELL
YOUR FATHER THE TRUTH.

- THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT?

- ABOUT, YOU KNOW, DEAR.
- MOM.

- ABOUT ME BEING A
GRANDFATHER AND YOUR MOTHER

BEING A POOR OLD GRANDMOTHER.

- THEN I MUST BE AN UNCLE.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE A FATHER.

WEREN'T YOU LISTENING AT ALL
WHEN I EXPLAINED THEM THINGS

TO YOU?

- DOBIE, YOUR RIDICULOUSLY
SUSPICIOUS FATHER

HAS THE RIDICULOUSLY
SUSPICIOUS IDEA

THAT YOU ARE SECRETLY
MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY.

- WHAT?

- ALL RIGHT. TELL
ME IT AIN'T TRUE.

- IT AIN'T TRUE. IT ISN'T TRUE.

MOM, DAD, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

OF COURSE I'M NOT
SECRETLY MARRIED.

OF COURSE I'M NOT A FATHER.

- I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

- YEAH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT ALL
THEM DIAPERS AND BABY FOOD

AND COTTON AND STUFF
THAT YOU HAVEN'T PAID FOR?

- DAD, I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU,

THEY'RE FOR THIS FRIEND
OF MINE, BRONKOWSKI.

I DIDN'T WANT TO
LET HIS NAME OUT...

- OH, BRONKOWSKI.

THERE IS A PHONY NAME
FOR A PHONY STORY

IF I EVER HEARD ONE.

THE ONLY BRONKOWSKI I
KNOW IS A FOOTBALL PLAYER,

AND I READ IN THE PAPER
WHERE HE'S WORKING HIS WAY

THROUGH COLLEGE

WHILE SUPPORTING A WIFE
AND A WHOLE BROOD OF KIDS,

AND OH, WHAT A
MISERABLE WRETCH I AM.

DOBIE, CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE
ME FOR NOT TRUSTING YOU?

- OH, SURE, DAD. FORGET IT.

- OH, I AM SUCH A LOUDMOUTH.

I HATE MYSELF WHEN I GO
OFF THE DEEP END LIKE THIS.

- YEAH.
- WHO DON'T?

- DAD, WHAT ABOUT THE
DISCOUNT FOR BRONKOWSKI?

WHAT COULD BE MORE
IMPORTANT FOR KIDS

THAN HAVING COACHES AND
TEACHERS WHO'LL SET A GOOD EXAMPLE

FOR 'EM?
- WELL...

- IN HIGH SCHOOL IF I
HAD A COACH LIKE HIM,

I'D BE AN EVEN
STRAIGHTER, STURDIER,

IN THE PINK LITTLE
CHAP THAN I AM NOW,

BUT THAT SOUNDS
IMPOSSIBLE, DON'T IT?

- IT WOULD BE A FINE,
GENEROUS ACT, DEAR.

IT WOULD BE YOUR CONTRIBUTION
TO OUR FUTURE CITIZENS.

- WELL...

- IT'S AN INVESTMENT
IN PEOPLE, DAD.

PLEASE?

- WELL, WHO'S ARGUING?

OF COURSE I'M ALWAYS
READY TO HELP SOME FINE,

YOUNG, UPSTANDING
CITIZEN LIKE BRONKOWSKI.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO
A DISCOUNT OF 1.5%?

- MR. G., YOU WANNA
HEAR WHAT I SAY

TO A DISCOUNT OF 1.5%?

- NEVER MIND. OKAY. 3%.

- HERBERT.

- 5% AND THAT'S MY LIMIT.

- 20% IS YOUR LIMIT,
SO WE'LL SETTLE FOR 25.

- NOW, JUST A MINUTE.

- THANK YOU, HERBERT. THANK YOU.

- I FEEL ALL WARM HERE
INSIDE, AND YOU CAN'T BLAME ME.

EVERYTHING'S WORKING
OUT BEAUTIFULLY.

WITH THAT DISCOUNT
HE GOT AT DAD'S STORE,

BRONKOWSKI COULD AFFORD
TO QUIT ONE OF HIS OUTSIDE JOBS.

THAT GAVE HIM MORE TIME FOR
SCHOOLWORK AND FOOTBALL.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO
RELIEVING HIM OF HIS WORRIES

ABOUT THE KIDS,

WELL, THAT'S ANOTHER REASON
I FEEL ALL WARM HERE INSIDE.

I'M KEEPING THIS BOTTLE
HEATED UP FOR RANDOLPH.

♪ LULLABY AND GOOD NIGHT ♪

- DOBIE, YOUR LULLABY SINGING
IS IMPROVING ALL THE TIME.

- OH, DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

- THERE'S NO
QUESTION OF IT. LOOK.

- HONEY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE PRACTICING!

- I AM.

BUT I GOT TO WORRYING
ABOUT LEON'S EARACHE.

HOW'S THE EARACHE?

HOW'S MY POOR LITTLE
DEFENSIVE TACKLE, HUH?

- OH, RELAX, BRONC.

DOBIE TOOK LEON TO THE DOCTOR,
AND HE SAYS HIS EAR IS FINE.

- GREAT. WHAT ABOUT
THE OTHER EAR?

- PERFECT. HE'S GOT 20/20 EARS.

- THAT'S MY BOY. I
BETTER GET BACK.

- BOY, I'D SURE LOVE TO
SEE HIM PLAY SOMEDAY.

- YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HIM PLAY?
- WELL, ONLY ON THE TELEVISION.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE
KIDS AND EVERYTHING,

I NEVER GET A CHANCE
TO GO TO THE STADIUM.

- WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET THERE
TOMORROW, AND SO ARE THE KIDS.

I'LL HAVE DAD PICK
YOU UP IN THE TRUCK.

- REALLY, YOU MEAN IT?
- MM-HMM.

- OH, BOY, WAIT TILL
BRONC HEARS ABOUT THIS!

- MAYBE YOU'D BETTER NOT
TELL HIM UNTIL THE GAME'S OVER.

- YEAH, IF HE KNOWS
THE KIDS ARE UP THERE,

HE'LL KEEP GOING UP IN
THE STANDS TO BURP 'EM.

- MEN, I WANT YOU
TO GET OUT THERE

AND GIVE THEM
EVERYTHING YOU GOT.

WILSON TECH IS TOUGH,

BUT IF WE PLAY WITH
GUTS AND DETERMINATION,

VICTORY WILL BELONG TO
S. PETER PRYOR IGUANAS.

- ♪ BOOLA BOOLA BOOLA BOOLA ♪

JUST DOING MY BIT FOR MORALE,
YOUR PHYSICAL EDUCATIONSHIP.

- BRONC, I WAS
AFRAID FOR A WHILE

WE WERE GONNA LOSE YOU,

BUT THANKS TO THE EFFORTS
OF OUR ASSISTANT MANAGER HERE

AND HIS ASSISTANT, YOU MADE IT.

THAT'S A GREAT BOY
YOU GOT THERE, GILLIS.

- YEAH. BLOOD WILL TELL.

- ALL RIGHT, MEN.

LET'S GET OUT
THERE AND PLAY BALL.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

- COACH, DO I HAVE
TIME TO CALL HOME

AND SEE HOW THE KIDS ARE?

- YEAH, BUT BE QUICK ABOUT
IT. KICKOFF'S IN FIVE MINUTES.

[CHEERING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- HEY, SOMETHING'S WRONG.

- OH, SAY, THIS IS GREAT,
SITTING RIGHT ON THE BENCH.

WHO SAYS IT DON'T PAY TO
SEND YOUR BOY TO COLLEGE,

HUH?

- HEY, DOBE, THERE'S YOUR MOM UP
THERE WITH NUMEROUS BRONKOWSKIS.

WINNIE! HEY, WINNIE!
HA HA, LOOK AT ME!

- GEE, WHERE'S BRONC?

- I DON'T THINK HE CAME OUT YET.
MAYBE HE'S SCARED OF CROWDS.

- I'D BETTER GO GET HIM.

WE DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO GO WRONG TODAY.

- OH, ESPECIALLY
WITH GOOD LUCK GILLIS

ON THE BENCH.
COME ON, LET'S SEE.

[PHONE RINGING]

- I GOTTA GET HOME.

- BRONC? BRONC,
YOU'D BETTER HURRY UP.

BRONC? BRONC, WHERE ARE YOU?

- DOBE, THE COACH
IS YELLING FOR BRONC.

THEY'RE GONNA KICK OFF.

- HE ISN'T HERE.
- WHAT?

WHERE IS HE?

- I DON'T KNOW. HE
JUST DISAPPEARED.

- THAT'S, LIKE, THE
END OF HIS CAREER.

WELL, I'LL GO TELL THE
COACH AND THEN, LIKE, DUCK.

- MAYNARD, WE'LL FIND HIM.

- THERE'S NO TIME, DAD.

THEY'LL HAVE TO
START WITHOUT HIM,

AND THAT'S THE END
OF HIS COLLEGE CAREER.

- NOW, LISTEN, SON.

I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES IT SEEMS
LIKE I'M MEAN AND HEARTLESS.

- AND CRUEL AND
ROTTEN AND SELF...

- BUT I...
- ISH.

- I'M GOIN' IN FOR BRONKOWSKI.

- NO. THANKS A LOT, DAD, BUT...

- LOOK, WHEN A SWEET
KID LIKE BRONKOWSKI

KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT WORKIN'
AND STUDYIN' AND WORRYIN'

JUST TO GET
SOMEPLACE, YOURS TRULY,

HERBERT T. ALL-HEART GILLIS,
HAS GOTTA GO ALONG WITH HIM.

MAYNARD, GET ME ONE OF
THE THOSE EXTRA UNIFORMS.

LOOK, I'LL PUT HIS
OTHER JERSEY ON.

IT'S GOT HIS NUMBER ON IT, 49.

- DAD, LISTEN...
- JUST TILL HE GETS HERE.

- HEY. LOOK, DAD...
- DON'T ARGUE WITH YOUR FATHER!

GO OUT AND STALL THE COACH
TILL I CAN GET INTO THIS STUFF,

WILL YOU?

COME ON, MAYNARD.

NO. NO.

I GOTTA GET OUT OF
THESE THINGS FIRST.

MAYNARD! MAYNARD!

- LISTEN UP NOW, TEAM,

I WANT YOU TO DO
SOMETHING ENTIRELY NEW: WIN!

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT, MEN.
NOW GO OUT THERE AND GET 'EM.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

BRONKOWSKI, COME ON OUT HERE.

- HE'S COMIN' COACH. BRONKOWSKI!

- GOOD LUCK, BRONKOWSKI!

[CHEERING]

- WE'LL GET AWAY
WITH IT, I'M SURE.

- HMM. HEY, THERE
GOES THE KICKOFF.

- GEE, I HOPE DAD
DOESN'T CATCH IT.

- COME ON, BRONKOWSKI, RUN, RUN!

- WHY IS YOUR FATHER
WALKING WITH THE BALL?

- FOR HIM, THAT'S RUNNING.
COME ON, DAD... BRONC.

- DOBE, YOU BETTER
HIDE YOUR EYES.

- HEY. GOOD THINKIN'.

DID THEY HIT HIM?

- OOH, THEY HIT HIM.

- HERE, DAD, SMELL THIS.

- DID YOU GET THE
NUMBER OF THAT TRUCK?

HEY, WHERE AM I?

HEY, I GOTTA GET BACK OUT THERE.

- DAD, DAD, YOU'LL
NEVER MAKE IT.

- BUT BRONKOWSKI.

- HE'S RIGHT.

WE'VE GOTTA KEEP
BRONKOWSKI IN THAT GAME,

OR THEY'LL FIND
OUT HE'S NOT HERE.

I'M GOING INTO THAT GAME
AND TAKE BRONKOWSKI'S PLACE.

- OH, COME NOW.

- MAYNARD. LOOK.

WHEN A SWEET KID LIKE
BRONKOWSKI KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT

WORKIN' AND STUDYIN'
AND WORRYIN'...

- I SAID THAT ALREADY. COME
ON, GET IN THE GAME, BOY.

- YEAH. YEAH. MAYNARD.

- ETHEL? SHERWIN? HONEY?

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

- THEY'VE LOST
THEIR STAR PLAYER.

- THEY EVEN LEFT THE TV ON.

- IT LOOKS LIKE 49 IS
COMING BACK ON THE FIELD.

YES. YES.

IT'S BRONKOWSKI.

- BRONKOWSKI?

I'M BRONKOWSKI.
- ALL RIGHT.

BRONKOWSKI'S
FADING BACK TO PASS.

NO. NOW HE'S RUNNING.

HE FUMBLES THE
BALL AND RECOVERS.

THE CROWD'S GOING WILD.

- ETHEL, SHERWIN, RANDOLPH?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

- ALL RIGHT, BOY.

TAKE A NICE BIG WHIFF
OF THIS. THAT'S IT.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT, SON.

- DID ANYBODY GET THE
NUMBER OF THAT TRUCK?

HOW'D I DO?

- CRAZY, MAN. YOU LOST 93 YARDS.

- ANY SIGN OF BRONKOWSKI?

- NOT YET. GIVE ME THE UNIFORM.

- MAYNARD, YOU?
- LOOK.

WHEN A SWEET KID LIKE BRONKOWSKI
KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT WORKING...

- MAYNARD, WE ALREADY SAID THAT.

- YEAH. AND I SAID IT FIRST.

- PUT ON THE SUIT AND
GET OUT THERE ALREADY.

- BRONKOWSKI, THE
GAME'S OUT HERE.

BRONKOWSKI, YOU CAN'T GO
BACK IN IN THAT CONDITION.

YOU MUST BE MADE OF IRON.

BUT LOOK AT HIM,

HE'S LOSING WEIGHT
ON EVERY PLAY.

[CHEERING]

- MAYNARD.

MAYNARD, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT,

I THINK.

- OOH, DID ANYBODY GET THE
NUMBER OF THAT RHINOCEROS?

OOH, I BET THOSE OTHER GUYS
WERE REALLY SCARED, HUH?

- OH, THEY SURE WERE.

THEY WERE SCARED THEY
WERE GONNA KILL YOU.

WELL, GIVE ME THE
UNIFORM. IT'S MY TURN AGAIN.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- SORRY.

NO ONE'S ALLOWED
IN THE LOCKER ROOM

DURING THE GAME.

- BRONKOWSKI! HERE,
TAKE IT EASY, BOY.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF
YOU. THERE YOU ARE.

LET'S GET YOU UP
THERE. COME ON, BOY.

THAT'S GOOD. OH, BOY.

- OKAY. OKAY.

THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY
GOING ON AROUND HERE,

AND I'M GONNA
FIND OUT WHAT IT IS.

BRONKOWSKI.

- HI, COACH.

- BRONKOWSKI, WHAT
GOT INTO YOU TODAY?

- I'M SORRY, COACH, I
JUST HAVEN'T BEEN MYSELF.

BUT I AM NOW. LET ME AT 'EM!

- THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU FELLAS?

YOU'RE A MESS.

- COME ON! COME ON!

- HERE COMES BRONKOWSKI NOW.

ONLY 30 SECONDS LEFT TO
PLAY, AND THE SCORE IS 10 TO 6

IN FAVOR OF THE
WILSON TECH TIGERS.

THERE'S THE WHISTLE
AND THE KICKOFF.

BRONKOWSKI HAS IT
ON THE 4-YARD LINE.

HE'S GOT GOOD INTERFERENCE.

HE'S ON THE 40!

THE 30!

THE 20!

THEY CAN'T STOP HIM.

HE'S OVER. IT'S A TOUCHDOWN!

THERE'S THE GUN!
THE IGUANAS WIN!

FRIENDS, I'VE NEVER
SEEN AN EXHIBITION

LIKE BRONKOWSKI PUT ON TODAY.

HE LITERALLY HAS THE
STRENGTH OF THREE MEN.

- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.

- YES! HURRAY! OH, OOH.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
DAD, DOES IT HURT?

- NO. ONLY WHEN I LAUGH.

- I TELL YOU, IT JUST
DON'T FEEL NATURAL

WITHOUT A NUMBER ON THE BACK.

- NOBODY'S GONNA NEED
A NUMBER TO IDENTIFY YOU

AT THAT GRADUATION TONIGHT,
BRONC, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

- OH, CUT IT OUT.

- WELL, THERE WOULDN'T
BE ANY GRADUATION, DOBIE,

OR THAT NEW COACHING JOB
THAT BRONC STARTS ON NEXT WEEK

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU KIDS.

OH, YOU KIDS WERE
WONDERFUL, BOTH OF YOU.

- AH, CUT IT OUT.

- BRONC, THEY'LL BE
GRADUATING WITHOUT YOU

IF YOU DON'T GET A MOVE ON.

IT'S ALMOST 8:00.

- OH, YEAH.

I PUT THE KIDS TO SLEEP SO GOOD,
YOU WON'T HAVE NOTHING TO DO

ALL EVENING BUT SIT ON THE SOFA.

- OH, WONDERFUL, THAT'S JUST
WHAT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

OH, NO. I DIDN'T
MEAN IT THAT WAY.

- HONEY, RELAX. I WAS
YOUNG ONCE MYSELF.

I THINK.

LISTEN, BRONC, I DON'T THINK I'M
GONNA GO TO THE GRADUATION.

I MEAN, I THINK I
OUGHT TO STAY HOME.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SWEETIE? SOMETHING HURT YOU?

HUH? HUH?

- NO. NO. IT'S NOT LIKE
THAT. IT'S JUST THAT I...

- WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME?

- DOES THIS ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

- YOU JUST TOLD ME.

OH, BOY, ANOTHER FULLBACK,

OR MAYBE A COUPLE
OF DEFENSIVE ENDS.

DARE I HOPE FOR AN
ENTIRE BACKFIELD?