The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 25 - The Solid Gold Dog Tag - full transcript
Chatsworth enlists in the Army and is assigned to Dobie and Maynard's platoon. He wants the military to make a man of him, but will Mumsy allow it?
- HI-O, MAM'SELLES!
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,
SPORTSMAN, RACONTEUR AND GOURMET
INVITES YOU TO INSPECT
HIS SHINY NEW TRINKET.
KINDLY REFRAIN FROM
PINCHING THE METAL, GIRLS.
- OH, CHATSWORTH, IT'S ADORABLE!
- YES, IT IS RATHER.
WE GOT IT AS AN ACCESSORY
WITH ONE OF MUMSY'S BIG CARS.
- CHATSWORTH, IT MUST
BE SIMPLY SMASHING
TO BE SO RICH AND DEBONAIR
AND MAN ABOUT TOWN.
- NOW STOP THAT NOW,
OR I SHALL BECOME TOO
BIG FOR MY BRITCHES,
IMPORTED LLAMA'S
WOOL, OF COURSE.
- CHATSWORTH, WHY, A GIRL
WOULD RATHER GO OUT WITH YOU
THAN ANY OTHER FELLA
IN THIS WHOLE TOWN.
YOU'RE THE MOST DESIRABLE
AND GALLANT AND... AND...
- OH, DOBIE!
- LADIES, LADIES! STAND BACK.
YOUR HOT BREATH IS MELTING
THE CREASE IN MY UNIFORM.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE
SO DASHING, SO MANLY!
- DON'T FORGET RUGGED.
WE FIGHTING MEN LIKE TO THINK
OF IT AS THE LOOK OF EAGLES.
HI, THERE, CIVILIAN!
- GIRLS, DO NOT BE
FOOLED BY THE UNIFORM!
HE'S STILL NOTHING
BUT A LOW-BRED OAF!
- OH, DOBIE, THERE'S JUST
SOMETHING ABOUT A SOLDIER,
SO HEROIC, SO
FEARLESS, SO SOLDIERLY.
- YES, MY DEAR. COMPARED
TO US SOLDIERLY TYPES,
CIVILIANS ARE NOTHING
BUT PAMPERED PLAYBOYS.
- OH, I'LL BET HIS MOTHER
STILL HAS TO FEED HIM!
- OH, COME NOW! WHERE'D YOU EVER
GET SUCH AN UTTERLY FANTASTIC...
- CHATSWORTH! NOW
YOU COME HERE AT ONCE.
YOU RUSHED OFF WITHOUT
FINISHING YOUR LUNCH!
- MUMSY, PLEASE!
- YOU DIDN'T FINISH THAT
NOURISHING PORRIDGE
THAT I PERSONALLY SUPERVISED!
- OH, TREMBLAY, MUST YOU?
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- REMEMBER ME?
DOBIE GILLIS, FORMER CIVILIAN?
WHAT AM I TALKING
ABOUT, FORMER CIVILIAN?
ONLY THE UNIFORM'S MILITARY.
THE REST OF ME IS AS CIVILIAN
AS A PAIR OF BLACK
AND WHITE SHOES.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING I'VE
GOTTA GIVE THE ARMY CREDIT FOR,
TEACHING ME HOW
TO BE A MAN, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
NO BABYING, NO
SPOILING, NO PAMPERING,
AND I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO
GET BACK TO CIVILIAN LIFE
TO HAVE SOMEBODY START BABYING
AND SPOILING AND PAMPERING ME.
NOT THAT ANYBODY
EVER DID, NOT ME.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU
TAKE CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
- NO, MUMSY! NO, NO, NO, NO!
I SHALL NOT EAT ONE
MORE SPOONFUL OF CAVIAR!
- STOP YOUR YAPPING.
- I AM NOT YAPPING!
MUMSY, I HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!
I AM LEAVING HOME!
THE LITTLE BIRD IS
FLYING FROM THE NEST!
- OH, WILL YOU STOP THOSE
ORNITHOLOGICAL REFERENCES!
I HAVE HAD...
CHATSWORTH, YOU
ARE LEAVING HOME?
- PRECISELY!
- OH!
- I'M GOING OUT TO
FACE THE WORLD!
- OH!
- I'VE ENLISTED IN THE ARMY!
- OH!
- I SHALL BECOME A BOLD WARRIOR!
- OH, EVERY DAY YOU SOUND
MORE AND MORE LIKE YOUR UNCLE,
STUPID J. OSBORNE.
- I HAVE HAD MY FILL OF
BEING A PAMPERED PLAYBOY.
I LONG TO BE MANLY,
DASHING, GALLANT.
I TOO WISH TO HAVE
THE LOOK OF EAGLES.
- OH, BUT YOU DO, BOY.
YOU LOOK MORE LIKE AN
EAGLE THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
- MUMSY, PLEASE!
- ESPECIALLY AROUND THE BEAK.
- MUMSY, I AM DETERMINED
TO SUCCEED ON MY OWN!
- OH, WHAT ROT.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR YOU TO SUCCEED
WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER'S HELP.
YOU'RE FAR TOO NASTY.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
I WAS ELECTED MANAGER
OF THE BASKETBALL TEAM
WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
- AFTER I BOUGHT UNIFORMS
FOR THE ENTIRE SQUAD.
OH, LET'S FACE IT, CHATSWORTH.
WITHOUT ME, YOU
ARE AN UTTER DUNCE.
- ALL THE MORE REASON WHY I
SHOULD LEAVE HOME INSTANTLY.
I AM LEAVING FOR
CAMP IMMEDIATELY
WHERE I SHALL BECOME
A SOLDIER, A FIGHTER,
A HARD, TOUGH MAN AMONG MEN!
TREMBLAY?
- YES, MASTER?
- REMEMBER TO PACK ALL
MY LAMB'S WOOL SOCKS
AND SEVERAL ELECTRIC COMFORTERS.
I HEAR TELL THOSE BEASTLY
BAGS ARE NOT EVEN STEAM-HEATED.
- OH, THIS ARMY THAT
HAS ACCEPTED YOU,
IS IT THE AMERICAN ARMY?
- MUMSY.
- OH, WELL, I WON'T
HAVE IT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU CAN'T GO
BECAUSE I FORBID IT!
OH, CHATSWORTH, IT
SEEMS BUT YESTERDAY
SINCE I FED YOU, TUCKED YOU IN,
SANG LULLABIES IN MY
GLORIOUS CONTRALTO VOICE.
IT SEEMS BUT YESTERDAY.
- BEG PARDON, MADAM.
IT WAS BUT YESTERDAY.
- NOW YOU WANT TO
BELIEVE A CALENDAR
OR WHAT IS WITHIN
A MOTHER'S HEART?
- OH, YES, MADAM.
- MUMSY, I AM GOING
AND NOTHING YOU CAN
SAY OR DO WILL STOP ME.
TA-TA.
I MUST AWAY TO THE CONFLICT!
HUP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
CROSS THE ROOM AND OUT THE DOOR!
- OH, HE IS A NASTY BOY.
OH, HE IS INDEPENDENT,
BUT HE IS NASTY.
HELLO, LONG DISTANCE?
GIVE ME, WELL, WHOEVER'S
IN CHARGE OF THE ARMY.
NO, YOU IDIOT.
I DON'T WANT TO JOIN IT,
BUT I MAY HAVE TO BUY IT.
- SEE HOW UNPREDICTABLE
AND DANGEROUS
LIFE IN THE ARMY CAN BE?
WE LEARNED TO DEAL
WITH FLAME, FLAK, FIRE
AND THEN ALONG COMES A NEW
AND EVEN MORE FRIGHTENING MENACE
LIKE MRS. CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, SR.
BUT I'M PROUD TO STATE THAT
WE ARE NOW PREPARED TO MEET
WHATEVER HORRIBLE DISASTER
WE'LL EVER HAVE TO FACE.
- YOU RANG?
GOOD BUDDY, GUESS WHAT?
- WHAT?
- IT'S THE SCARIEST THING
THAT HAPPENED SINCE
WE JOINED THE ARMY.
IT'S SO SCARY I'M
SCARED TO TELL YOU.
STOP PESTERING ME!
I TOLD YOU I WAS
TOO SCARED TO TELL.
OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU.
GUESS WHO'S IN THE ARMY
AND COMING OVER
TO JOIN OUR PLATOON.
A WILD GUESS.
- BRIGITTE BARDOT.
- I SAID A WILD GUESS.
- REX, THE WONDER HORSE.
- YOU'RE GETTING CLOSER.
- MAYNARD...
- IT'S CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
- CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.?
- YEAH.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO LIKE SURRENDER
TO THE RUSSIANS RIGHT NOW, HUH?
- MAYNARD, YOU GOTTA
BE MAKING THIS UP.
CHATSWORTH'S MOTHER WOULD
NEVER LET HIM JOIN THE ARMY.
- ANYONE FOR WAR?
- CHATSWORTH, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I DECIDED TO JOIN UP AND
IMPROVE THE ARMY'S MORALE.
IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.
- AND YOU'RE IN OUR PLATOON?
- BUT, OF COURSE. RIPPING
GOOD LUCK, ISN'T IT?
- OH, BOY.
- LIKE, OH, DITTO.
- YEAH.
- YOU CHAPS DON'T APPEAR
EXACTLY ECSTATIC TO SEE ME.
WHAT IS IT, PRAY TELL?
- OH, NOTHING,
CHATSWORTH, NOTHING.
- YOU JUST DON'T
WANT ME, THAT'S ALL.
DON'T TRY TO HIDE IT.
I'LL TRY TO GET TRANSFERRED
TO ANOTHER PLATOON.
- I'LL HELP YOU.
- MAYNARD!
- I DID SO WANT TO MEND
MY WAYS AND CEASE BEING
CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR, FOUL BALL
AND BECOME
CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR., SOLDIER.
- YOU REALLY MEAN
THAT, CHATSWORTH?
- OH, DOBIE-DO, IT IS
MY HEARTFELT WISH.
- THEN YOU DESERVE A CHANCE
EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE
KIND OF A PROBLEM TO US
IN HIGH SCHOOL, NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- YEAH, EVEN IF HE WAS A LOWDOWN
RAT IN HIGH SCHOOL, NO OFFENSE.
- CHATSWORTH,
WE'RE GONNA GET YOU
STARTED RIGHT IN THE ARMY.
HEY, FELLAS, COME
ON OVER AND MEET
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.!
HE COMES FROM OUR HOMETOWN
AND HE'S A REGULAR GUY.
- YEAH, HE'S A REGULAR GUY
WHO LIVES IN A 48-ROOM HOUSE
AND A 50-ACRE ESTATE SURROUNDED
BY A 16-FOOT BRICK WALL.
- WITH BROKEN GLASS
IMBEDDED IN THE TOP.
GLORIOSKY, I FEEL GOOD ALL OVER.
- SO CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
JOINED THE ARMY
AND TRIED TO ADJUST.
IT WASN'T EASY FOR THE ARMY
OR CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
BUT HE FORCED
HIMSELF TO ACT AND TALK
JUST LIKE ONE OF THE BOYS.
- BUT ONE ALWAYS VACATIONS
AT THE RIVIERA FOLLOWING
THE POLO SEASON.
DOESN'T ONE?
- ALL RIGHT, MEN, FALL IN!
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE YOU THE
REST OF THE AFTERNOON OFF
TILL YOU RUN THROUGH
THE MANUAL OF ARMS.
- OH, GREAT! THAT'S A CINCH!
- AND YOU BETTER RUN
THROUGH IT CORRECT.
- SERGEANT, OH, SERGEANT.
SURELY YOU DON'T MEAN THE
REGULAR MANUAL OF ARMS?
- I SURE DO, AND WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE REGULAR
MANUAL OF ARMS, OSBORNE?
- NOTHING AT ALL. IT'S
REALLY QUITE PLEASANT.
BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT
THE QUEEN ANNE SALUTE
IS EVER SO MUCH MORE CHIC?
- WHAT KIND OF SALUTE?
- QUEEN ANNE,
AS PRACTICED BY HER
MAJESTY'S ROYAL FUSILIERS.
OBSERVE!
- HEY, THAT'S PRETTY SHARP.
NONE OF YOU JOKERS GETS OFF
UNTIL YOU LEARN
THAT QUEENY SALUTE
LIKE OSBORNE HERE!
- OH, SHOWOFF!
- NOW FALL OUT AND
TEACH THEM GOOD, SOLDIER!
- NEVER FEAR, SERGEANT!
I SHALL TURN THEM INTO PRECISION
DRILLED FIGHTING MACHINES!
IT IS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE,
FELLOW MUSKETEERS.
ONE SIMPLY GRASPS
THE RIFLE THUSLY
AND GIVES IT A SHARP...
- DARN THAT CHATSWORTH!
WE TRIED LIKE THE DICKENS
TO TEACH HIM THE THINGS A
NORMAL FELLA HAS TO KNOW
IF HE'S GONNA GET
ALONG IN THIS WORLD,
HOW TO AVOID WORK,
HOW TO GOOF OFF
WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT,
LIKE THAT.
IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT,
BUT FINALLY HE
STARTED TO CATCH ON.
- THE PROPER TECHNIQUE
FOR GETTING ALONG
IS TO VOLUNTEER FOR EVERYTHING.
- THAT'S THE PROPER TECHNIQUE
FOR BECOMING A HOSPITAL CASE.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'VE GOTTA STOP
VOLUNTEERING AND SHOWING OFF
OR THE FELLAS ARE
GONNA MURDER ALL OF US.
- YEAH. WE COME
FROM THE SAME TOWN,
SO WE'RE UP TO OUR
ELBOWS WITH YOU,
LIKE THREE PEAS IN A POT.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S POD.
- DEAR, I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE RIGHT, DOBIE-DO.
I SIMPLY MUST LEARN TO
CURB MY NATURAL SUPERIORITY.
- YOU CAN DO IT, CHATSY.
I DID IT AND NOW NOBODY
KNOWS I WAS, LIKE,
NATURALLY SUPERIOR.
- MEN, BEFORE I TURN YOU LOOSE
TO GET CLEANED UP FOR CHOW,
I WANT TO RUN THROUGH
THIS HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT
WE'VE BEEN LEARNING.
YOU.
- LIKE, ME?
- LIKE, YOU.
- LIKE, ME?
- LIKE, YOU.
- LIKE, ME?
DON'T NOBODY MOVE. THERE'S,
LIKE, A SNEAKY VENTRILOQUIST
AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE.
- CUT THAT BLABBERING,
KREBS! FRONT AND CENTER!
- OH.
- NOW LET'S SAY I'M YOUR
ENEMY AND I HAVE A KNIFE
AND I'M COMING AT
YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO?
- I, LIKE, BECOME YOUR FRIEND.
- NO. KREBS, YOU'RE
A HOPELESS CASE.
- LIKE, WHOM AMONG
US IS PERFECT?
- OSBORNE, YOU COME AT ME.
NOW DON'T BE AFRAID.
I'M NOT GONNA HURT YOU.
OSBORNE, WHAT IN TARNATION?
HEY, THAT WAS A
PRETTY SMOOTH TRICK!
WHERE'D YOU LEARN IT?
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIPSY-DO
I PICKED UP FROM MUMSY.
- MUMSY?
- YEAH, SHE USE TO TEACH DIRTY
FIGHTING TO THE COMMANDOS.
- WHERE YOU YARD BIRDS GOING?
- WE GOTTA GET CLEANED
UP FOR CHOW, SERGEANT.
- NOBODY LEAVES THIS SPOT UNTIL
THEY LEARN THAT LITTLE DIPSY-DO
THAT PRIVATE OSBORNE
PICKED UP FROM MUMSY.
START DEMONSTRATING, OSBORNE.
- I SHALL BE HONORED.
NOW, CRONIES,
THE BASIC ELEMENT OF
HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT IS LEVERAGE.
BEHOLD, I SHALL
DEMONSTRATE WITH ALL OF YOU.
YOU FIRST. ONE GRASPS
THE OPPONENT THUSLY
AND THEN... I DID IT AGAIN, HUH?
- I WOULD SAY YOU DID IT AGAIN.
- BUT I JUST CAN'T
HELP IT, CHAPS!
YOU SEE, I COME FROM A
LONG MILITARY BACKGROUND.
- AND YOU'RE HEADING FOR
A SHORT MILITARY FUNERAL.
- ALL RIGHT. IT WILL
NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.
I SHALL LOWER MYSELF TO
THE LEVEL OF YOU COMMON MEN
OR I AM NOT CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR.,
GENTLEMAN SCHOLAR
AND NOBLE GLADIATOR.
- YOUR BAGS ARE PACKED,
MADAM, ALL 12 OF THEM.
- AND THE TRUNKS?
- ALL 12 OF THEM TOO, MADAM.
- GOOD.
I SHALL GO TO CHATSWORTH'S
CAMP IMMEDIATELY.
- MADAM?
- WELL, WHAT IS
IT? SPEAK UP, MAN.
- NO OFFENSE, MADAM,
BUT BELOW STAIRS,
WE'RE WONDERING
IF YOU'RE NOT TAKING MASTER
CHATSWORTH'S ENLISTMENT
JUST A TRIFLE TOO SERIOUSLY?
- NONSENSE! WHATEVER
GAVE THEM THAT IDEA?
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"
PLAYS ON PHONOGRAPH]
- ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, SQUAD HALT!
LEFT FACE!
AT EASE!
WE HAVE FIVE MINUTES
BEFORE CHOW, MEN.
WE'RE GONNA BRUSH UP ON
THE MILITARY FIELD MANUAL.
WHAT IS THE FIRST MISSION
OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IN ANALYZING
TRAINING DIRECTIVES?
ANYONE?
OSBORNE?
- THE FIRST MISSION OF
THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IS TO ATTAIN AND MAINTAIN
A PRESCRIBED LEVEL
OF COMBAT OPERATIONAL
PROFICIENCY.
- EXCELLENT. NOW WHAT
IS THE SECOND MISSION
OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IN ANALYZING
TRAINING DIRECTIVES?
ANYONE?
OSBORNE?
- THE SECOND MISSION OF
THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IS TO CONDUCT
REPLACEMENT TRAINING
IN TRAINING UNITS FOR
SPECIALIZED OPERATIONS.
- CORRECT. WHAT
IS THE THIRD MISSION
OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IN ANALYZING
TRAINING DIRECTIVES?
OSBORNE, YOU KNOW THAT.
- I HAVEN'T THE
FAINTEST IDEA, SERGEANT.
- YOU MEN HAVE BEEN
SLOPPING AROUND
LIKE A BUNCH OF TIRED WASHWOMEN.
NOW WHO WANTS TO MAKE UP FOR IT
BY VOLUNTEERING
TO CARRY A DISPATCH
TO COMPANY HEADQUARTERS?
BOY, WHAT A BUNCH OF GOLDBRICKS!
ATTENTION!
DISMISSED!
- TELL ME, PRAY, COMPATRIOTS,
HOW HAVE I BEEN DOING
THESE PAST FEW DAYS?
- PRETTY GOOD, CHATSWORTH.
YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF
SOME OF THE FELLAS ARE
EVEN STARTING TO LIKE YOU.
- EVEN ME, AND THAT AIN'T EASY
BECAUSE INSIDE OF
ME, LIKE, HATES YOU.
- OBSERVE HOW I'VE BEEN
MEETING THIS CHALLENGE
AS I MEET ALL OTHERS,
WITH COURAGE, DETERMINATION
AND STUNNING SUCCESS.
- NOW I'M STARTING TO HATE
YOU ON THE OUTSIDE AGAIN.
- AND MUMSY, POOR DEAR THING,
SHE SAID I WOULDN'T AMOUNT
TO A HILL OF BEANS. HA!
- HA!
- HA!
- HA! IF YOU THINK THAT
I'M GOING TO SETTLE
FOR A CHENILLE BEDSPREAD
FOR MY LITTLE BOY'S BED, HA!
I WANT PURE SILK
OR I'LL FLY MY OWN
IN FROM THE ORIENT!
- MUMSY!
- OH, CHATSWORTH,
MY SOLDIER LAD.
HOW DO YOU LIKE WHAT
MY DECORATING CREW
DID TO THIS DREARY BARRACKS?
- OH...
- HELLO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- GREETINGS, MRS. O.
- GOOD HEAVENS!
WHEN DID THE
INVASION TAKE PLACE?
- NO, MRS. O. I'M
MAYNARD G. KREBS,
A SOLDIER IN THE,
LIKE, ARMED FORCES.
- MUMSY, I CANNOT
TAKE ANY OF THIS!
WITH THE HELP OF
GILLIS AND KREBS HERE,
I AM DETERMINED TO
SUCCEED ON MY OWN MERIT.
- THAT'S A WIZARD IDEA,
BUT YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NONE.
- MUMSY!
- NO OSBORNE MAN HAS ANY MERIT.
- MUMSY!
- NO OSBORNE MAN HAS
ROOM FOR ANY MERIT.
HE'S TOO FILLED WITH NASTINESS.
- OH, BUT MUMSY, I
THOUGHT THAT WE HAD...
- NO. FROM NOW ON,
I'LL DO ALL THE THINKING.
AND IF THERE IS A
PROBLEM AND, MIND YOU,
MUMSY DOESN'T ALLOW THAT OFTEN,
I WILL BE RIGHT HERE.
- LIKE, RIGHT HERE
IN THE BARRACKS?
- LIKE, RIGHT.
- LIKE, IT'LL BE EMBARRASSING.
- LIKE, THAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM, BUSTER.
- BUT CHATSWORTH WILL BE HERE
FOR SIX MONTHS, MRS. OSBORNE.
- OH, SIX MONTHS I COULD
DO STANDING ON MY HEAD.
- HOLY JUMPING UP AND
DOWN! WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?
- WHO ARE ALL THESE
JABBERING RAGAMUFFINS?
- THESE ARE MY BUNKIES, MUMSY.
- WELL, FROM NOW ON,
MUMSY WILL BE YOUR BUNKIE.
I PUT A WALL OFF THE
END OF THAT ROOM
FOR MY LIVING QUARTERS
AND I'LL HAVE TREMBLAY AND
THE VALET IN HERE WITH YOU.
NOW GET OUT! OUT,
I SAY! GO ON! OUT!
- BUT THEY LIVE HERE!
- WELL, THEY'LL HAVE
TO FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE.
NOW GO ON, GET OUT!
- OH, DOBE, DIG THIS WILD GEAR!
A CASHMERE BARRACKS BAG,
SOLID GOLD DOG TAG?
- GEE. BLOOD TYPE R.
- FOR ROYAL,
WITH THE BLOOD TYPE
SET IN SEED PEARLS.
- THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE,
SIR. NONE OF MY MEN WOULD...
- UH-HUH.
- TEN HUT!
- MADAM? WHO ARE YOU
AND WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN THESE BARRACKS?
- TEN HUT!
THIS INSUBORDINATION
WILL CEASE AT ONCE!
SUCK IN YOUR GUT, SOLDIER!
THROW OUT YOUR CHEST!
STRAIGHTEN YOUR BACK!
STATE YOUR NAME,
RANK AND SERIAL NUMBER!
- LEROY J. STONEHENGE,
COLONEL, UNITED STATES ARMY,
SERIAL NUMBER...
NOW CUT THAT OUT!
SERGEANT, THIS IS THE WOMAN
WHO STRUCK THREE
MPs WITH AN UMBRELLA.
- BUT, SIR, I...
- AND TRIED TO RUN OVER TWO
MORE WITH A FURNITURE TRUCK!
- THEY REFUSED TO
OBEY MY COMMAND
TO DELIVER THE TELEVISION SET.
- MADAM, BY WHAT AUTHORITY
DO YOU DARE INVADE THIS POST?
- BY THE HIGHEST
AUTHORITY IN THIS WORLD.
BY THE AUTHORITY OF
AN AMERICAN MOTHER
FIGHTING TO PROTECT HER YOUNG.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CLODS!
PUT YOUR RIGHT
HAND ON YOUR HEARTS
AND I WANT TO HEAR TWO CHORUSES
OF "M IS FOR THE MANY
THINGS SHE GAVE ME."
- MUMSY, PLEASE!
- SERGEANT,
ESCORT THIS PERSON
OFF THE POST IMMEDIATELY!
- YOU HAVE NOT
HEARD THE END OF THIS,
YOU SNIVELING RASCAL!
DO YOU KNOW HOW
MANY MILLION MOTHERS
THERE ARE IN AMERICA?
THERE ARE 67 MILLION.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY
COLONELS THERE ARE?
ABOUT 200.
AND THERE IS GOING
TO BE ONE LESS.
WE ARE GOING TO PULL YOU
LIMB FROM COWARDLY LIMB!
- THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
UNTIL I CAN INVESTIGATE FURTHER,
THIS BARRACKS IS RESTRICTED!
- CHUMS! BUNKIES!
MUMSY, NOW I'LL NEVER
BE ADMIRED AND RESPECTED,
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
- OH, CHIN UP, CHATSWORTH.
I HAVE AN IDEA THAT
WILL FIX EVERYTHING.
ALL RIGHT, ESCORT
ME FROM THE POST!
- CHUMS, BUNKIES, I ASSURE YOU
I HAD NOTHING WHATEVER
TO DO WITH THIS!
OH, MICE AND RATS!
DOBIE-DO, KREBS BABY,
SURELY YOU DON'T THINK
I HAD ANYTHING TO DO
WITH ASKING MUMSY TO DO THIS?
- OF COURSE NOT, CHATSWORTH.
WE KNOW YOU'RE TRYING
TO DO THE RIGHT THING
AND YOU'RE NOT A LOWDOWN BUM.
- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU LOWDOWN BUM.
- MAYNARD.
WE KNOW YOU'RE TURNING
INTO A RIGHT GUY, CHATSWORTH.
BUT I'M AFRAID
WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO CONVINCE THE OTHER FELLAS.
- YEAH, THEY ALL THINK YOU'RE A
LOWDOWN BUM, YOU LOWDOWN BUM,
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, CHATSWORTH,
BUT MAYNARD'S RIGHT.
THEY'D LIKE TO ROLL
YOU UP IN A SACK
AND THEN USE YOU FOR
KICKING FIELD GOALS.
YES, SIR.
CHATSWORTH WAS POSITIVELY
THE MOST HATED MAN
IN THE ARMY, INCLUDING THE MPs.
BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THERE WAS A CHANGE.
CHANGE? IT WAS A REVOLUTION.
- CHATSWORTH, EVERYBODY
LOVES YOU, OLD LOVABLE.
- WELL, YESTERDAY I WAS HATEFUL.
- YOU'RE THE MOST LOVABLE
HATEFUL FELLA IN CAMP.
- BUT I'M BEWILDERED.
WHY ALL AT ONCE
AM I EVERYBODY'S BELOVED FRIEND?
- HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?
- HOW CAN I HEAR?
NOBODY TALKS TO ME.
BUT WHATEVER THE REASON
FOR MY SUDDEN
OVERWHELMING POPULARITY,
I'LL WAGER I KNOW
WHO'S BEHIND IT.
- NOW, GENTLEMEN,
AS YOU SEE, I HAVE
BOUGHT UP ALL THE LANDS
IN ALL DIRECTIONS
ADJOINING THIS ARMY POST.
NOW I'LL SHOW YOU
A FULL-SCALE MODEL
OF THE RECREATION CENTER
WHICH I INTEND TO
DONATE TO THIS ARMY BASE.
- WE ARE MOST ANXIOUS
TO SEE IT, MRS. OSBORNE.
- NATURALLY YOU ARE.
WELL, STAND BY,
HATS OFF AND VOILÀ!
THIS IS THE RECREATION CENTER
I WILL DONATE TO THIS POST.
- MRS. OSBORNE, YOU ARE A JEWEL
IN THE CROWN OF
AMERICAN MOTHERHOOD.
- OH, PLEASE, NO
FAWNING, COLONEL.
NOW HERE WE HAVE
THE FIVE INDOOR SWIMMING
POOLS, HERE ARE THE TENNIS COURTS,
HERE'S THE POLO FIELD.
- SUPERB!
- OVER HERE, WE WILL
MAINTAIN 28 LANES OF BOWLING,
FOUR BALLROOMS WITH
CONTINUOUS FLOOR SHOW
AND FREE GUM.
- BULLY!
- BE QUIET, PLEASE.
AND THAT HIGH TOWER
WILL BE MY LIVING QUARTERS.
AS YOU KNOW, I WILL TAKE
UP RESIDENCE ON THIS POST.
- WE WOULDN'T HAVE
IT ANY OTHER WAY.
- NATURALLY. WELL, GENTLEMEN,
I HAVE 10,000 CUBIC YARDS OF
CEMENT TO POUR BEFORE DARK,
SO YOU WILL EXCUSE ME.
- OH, MRS. OSBORNE,
JUST ONE MORE THING
FOR THE PRESS RELEASES.
NOW WHAT ARE WE CALLING
THIS GLORIOUS PLEASURE DOME?
- WHY, THE PRIVATE FIRST CLASS
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE
RECREATION CENTER!
WHAT ELSE?
AT EASE, SOLDIER.
WHAT?
WELL, I'LL SEE ABOUT THIS!
- LIKE, HEY, HERE HE COMES!
- COME ON, FELLAS, ALL TOGETHER!
- ♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY
GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
- YAY!
- GOLLY, CHAPS,
DO YOU REALLY AND TRULY MEAN IT?
AM I REALLY AND TRULY
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW?
- YEAH, LIKE, THE JOLLIEST
AND LIKE, THE GOODIEST.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE
EVERYBODY'S FRIEND.
HEY, LET'S GIVE HIM A
RIDE THROUGH CAMP
AND SHOW HIM HOW
MUCH WE LIKE HIM.
- WOULD YOU ALL
LOVE ME JUST AS MUCH
IF THERE WEREN'T GOING TO
BE ANY RECREATION CENTER?
- YEAH!
- OH, THANKS,
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T GOING
TO BE ANY RECREATION CENTER.
- WHAT HAPPENED, CHATSWORTH?
YOUR MOTHER BACK DOWN?
- OH, NO, MUMSY'S DEAD GAME.
- YOU MEAN THE
ARMY WON'T GO FOR IT?
- THE ARMY HAS
APPROVED EVERYTHING.
- THEN WHO'S, LIKE, PUTTING
THE WHAMMY ON THIS DEAL?
- I AM.
- LIKE, YOU?
- LIKE, I.
- YOU MEAN NO 28
LANES OF BOWLING?
- TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- AND NO FOUR DANCE HALLS?
- TRY, TRY, TRY.
- NO FREE CHEWING GUM?
- I'M ABSOLUTELY
DESOLATE, BUNKIES, BUT...
- CHATSWORTH! THIS NOTE!
HOW DARE YOU TELL ME
TO STOP CONSTRUCTION.
I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO TAKE
AWAY YOUR SHINY NEW YACHT
AND YOUR PLATINUM
MOTOR SCOOTER AND I...
- MUMSY! MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING!
- MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING?
OH!
DOCTORS! NURSES! MEDICS!
OH, THIS BOY IS NOT WELL!
STRETCHER BEARERS!
- MUMSY, MUMSY, I AM QUITE WELL.
- OH, RIDICULOUS.
NO OSBORNE SAYS
MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING
UNLESS HE'S COMPLETELY
OUT OF HIS HEAD.
- NOW HEAR ME, MUMSY.
I AM SIMPLY TRYING TO TELL
YOU THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO BUY RESPECT
WITH BASKETBALL SUITS
AND RECREATION CENTERS.
- WELL, HOW ELSE WOULD A
SCHNOOK LIKE YOU WIN RESPECT?
- IF THAT IS THE
ONLY WAY I CAN WIN IT,
I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO
LEARN TO GET ALONG WITHOUT IT.
- I TAKE THAT TO MEAN
THAT YOU WANT TO
TRY TO GET ALONG
WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER TOO.
YOU BULL-HEADED,
PERSNICKETY BOY. WELL!
- NOW HEAR ME OUT, MUMSY.
THE ARMY BROUGHT ME UP
HERE TO TRY TO TEACH ME
TO PROTECT YOU AND ALL
THE OTHER MUMSIES IN THE USA.
NOW HOW CAN I
LEARN TO PROTECT YOU
IF YOU'RE UP HERE TRYING
TO PROTECT ME ALL THE TIME?
- YOU PROTECT ME?
BUT YOU'RE JUST A BOY.
- A BOY?
- A LITTLE BOY.
- MUMSY, HOW DID YOU JUST
DESCRIBE ME A MINUTE AGO?
- BULL-HEADED AND PERSNICKETY.
- AND HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE
THE GROWN-UP OSBORNE MEN?
- BULL-HEADED AND PERSNICKETY...
YOU MEAN...
- EXACTLY.
THE MUMSIES ARE
ALWAYS LAST TO KNOW.
- OH, WHY DID I LET THEM CUT
OFF YOUR CURLS SO SOON?
I TOLD THEM 14 WAS TOO YOUNG.
- THERE, THERE, MUMSY.
I'VE GROWN UP, THAT'S ALL.
YOUR LITTLE BOY HAS GROWN UP.
- WHEN I GET HOME,
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR
FIRST LITTLE BLUE SPORTS CAR
AND HAVE IT DIPPED IN GOLD.
- AND YOU WON'T TRY TO
FORCE THE RECREATION CENTER
DOWN OUR THROATS?
- OF COURSE NOT!
DID GEORGE WASHINGTON'S
MOTHER BUILD SWIMMING POOLS
FOR THE CONTINENTAL MILITIA?
- NO.
- DID CUSTER'S MOTHER
BUY INDIAN SUITS
FOR ALL THE BOYS
AT LITTLE BIG HORN?
- NO.
- NO, THEY MADE GOOD
ON THEIR OWN, JUST LIKE YOU.
JUST LIKE ALL THE BULL-HEADED,
PERSNICKETY OSBORNES.
- MUMSY, I LOVE YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH,
BREAK CLEAN.
AND ANOTHER THING.
- YES, MUMSY.
- IF I DON'T SEE EAGLES ON
YOUR SHOULDER BY CHRISTMAS,
DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME.
- MAYNARD, THAT
CHATSWORTH'S QUITE A GUY.
- DOBE, HOW CAN YOU SAY
SUCH A THING ABOUT A CREEP
WHO SNICKERED US OUT OF
ALL THAT FREE CHEWING GUM?
- MAYNARD, LET ME
PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY.
YOU'RE SITTING IN A FOXHOLE
ALONGSIDE ANOTHER SOLDIER, SEE?
AND THE GUNS ARE FIRING
AND THE SHELLS ARE
EXPLODING ALL AROUND YOU.
- ME, DOBE?
- MAYNARD,
IT'S JUST A FOR INSTANCE.
NOW IF YOU WERE IN THIS FOXHOLE,
WHAT KIND OF FELLA
WOULD YOU LIKE THIS
OTHER SOLDIER TO BE?
- I DON'T WANT ONE SOLDIER. I
WANT, LIKE, A WHOLE REGIMENT.
- MAYNARD, THE SOLDIER FIGHTING
BESIDE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE GUTS,
GOOD OLD-FASHIONED GUTS.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- LIKE, TRUE.
AND I GIVE YOU THE
FIRST MAN IN HISTORY
WITH THE GUTS AND THE COURAGE
TO STAND UP TO MRS.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.
- GOOD BUDDY, CHUM, FOXHOLE PAL!
- HOLD ON, CHAPS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- NO OFFENSE, CHATSY,
BUT WE LOVE YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT SAYING THAT
JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?
YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
- SURE, WE MEAN IT,
CHATSWORTH. YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY.
BEFORE LONG, YOU'LL
BE ONE OF THE BOYS,
A REAL SOLDIER IN THE U.S. ARMY.
- JUST LIKE ME.
- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY.
- IF THE ARMY CAN
TAKE THE TWO OF YOU,
THEN BRING ON THE ENEMY.
- LIKE, HI, GOOD
BUDDIES. WHO'S WINNING?
- IT'S PRETTY CLOSE, MAYNARD.
I STARTED OFF BY TAKING...
- OH, NO USE EXPLAINING TO ME,
DOBE. I DON'T, LIKE, DIG BRIDGE.
- DOBIE-DO, I OWE YOU MUCH
THANKS FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
AND, BELIEVE ME, I HAVE
LEARNED MY LESSON.
- WHAT LESSON?
- I'M GOING TO CURB
MY NATURAL SUPERIORITY.
- ATTABOY, CHATSWORTH.
- STARTING TOMORROW.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.,
SPORTSMAN, RACONTEUR AND GOURMET
INVITES YOU TO INSPECT
HIS SHINY NEW TRINKET.
KINDLY REFRAIN FROM
PINCHING THE METAL, GIRLS.
- OH, CHATSWORTH, IT'S ADORABLE!
- YES, IT IS RATHER.
WE GOT IT AS AN ACCESSORY
WITH ONE OF MUMSY'S BIG CARS.
- CHATSWORTH, IT MUST
BE SIMPLY SMASHING
TO BE SO RICH AND DEBONAIR
AND MAN ABOUT TOWN.
- NOW STOP THAT NOW,
OR I SHALL BECOME TOO
BIG FOR MY BRITCHES,
IMPORTED LLAMA'S
WOOL, OF COURSE.
- CHATSWORTH, WHY, A GIRL
WOULD RATHER GO OUT WITH YOU
THAN ANY OTHER FELLA
IN THIS WHOLE TOWN.
YOU'RE THE MOST DESIRABLE
AND GALLANT AND... AND...
- OH, DOBIE!
- LADIES, LADIES! STAND BACK.
YOUR HOT BREATH IS MELTING
THE CREASE IN MY UNIFORM.
- OH, DOBIE, YOU'RE
SO DASHING, SO MANLY!
- DON'T FORGET RUGGED.
WE FIGHTING MEN LIKE TO THINK
OF IT AS THE LOOK OF EAGLES.
HI, THERE, CIVILIAN!
- GIRLS, DO NOT BE
FOOLED BY THE UNIFORM!
HE'S STILL NOTHING
BUT A LOW-BRED OAF!
- OH, DOBIE, THERE'S JUST
SOMETHING ABOUT A SOLDIER,
SO HEROIC, SO
FEARLESS, SO SOLDIERLY.
- YES, MY DEAR. COMPARED
TO US SOLDIERLY TYPES,
CIVILIANS ARE NOTHING
BUT PAMPERED PLAYBOYS.
- OH, I'LL BET HIS MOTHER
STILL HAS TO FEED HIM!
- OH, COME NOW! WHERE'D YOU EVER
GET SUCH AN UTTERLY FANTASTIC...
- CHATSWORTH! NOW
YOU COME HERE AT ONCE.
YOU RUSHED OFF WITHOUT
FINISHING YOUR LUNCH!
- MUMSY, PLEASE!
- YOU DIDN'T FINISH THAT
NOURISHING PORRIDGE
THAT I PERSONALLY SUPERVISED!
- OH, TREMBLAY, MUST YOU?
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪
[SCATTING]
- REMEMBER ME?
DOBIE GILLIS, FORMER CIVILIAN?
WHAT AM I TALKING
ABOUT, FORMER CIVILIAN?
ONLY THE UNIFORM'S MILITARY.
THE REST OF ME IS AS CIVILIAN
AS A PAIR OF BLACK
AND WHITE SHOES.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING I'VE
GOTTA GIVE THE ARMY CREDIT FOR,
TEACHING ME HOW
TO BE A MAN, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
NO BABYING, NO
SPOILING, NO PAMPERING,
AND I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO
GET BACK TO CIVILIAN LIFE
TO HAVE SOMEBODY START BABYING
AND SPOILING AND PAMPERING ME.
NOT THAT ANYBODY
EVER DID, NOT ME.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU
TAKE CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
- NO, MUMSY! NO, NO, NO, NO!
I SHALL NOT EAT ONE
MORE SPOONFUL OF CAVIAR!
- STOP YOUR YAPPING.
- I AM NOT YAPPING!
MUMSY, I HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!
I AM LEAVING HOME!
THE LITTLE BIRD IS
FLYING FROM THE NEST!
- OH, WILL YOU STOP THOSE
ORNITHOLOGICAL REFERENCES!
I HAVE HAD...
CHATSWORTH, YOU
ARE LEAVING HOME?
- PRECISELY!
- OH!
- I'M GOING OUT TO
FACE THE WORLD!
- OH!
- I'VE ENLISTED IN THE ARMY!
- OH!
- I SHALL BECOME A BOLD WARRIOR!
- OH, EVERY DAY YOU SOUND
MORE AND MORE LIKE YOUR UNCLE,
STUPID J. OSBORNE.
- I HAVE HAD MY FILL OF
BEING A PAMPERED PLAYBOY.
I LONG TO BE MANLY,
DASHING, GALLANT.
I TOO WISH TO HAVE
THE LOOK OF EAGLES.
- OH, BUT YOU DO, BOY.
YOU LOOK MORE LIKE AN
EAGLE THAN ANYONE I KNOW.
- MUMSY, PLEASE!
- ESPECIALLY AROUND THE BEAK.
- MUMSY, I AM DETERMINED
TO SUCCEED ON MY OWN!
- OH, WHAT ROT.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR YOU TO SUCCEED
WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER'S HELP.
YOU'RE FAR TOO NASTY.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.
I WAS ELECTED MANAGER
OF THE BASKETBALL TEAM
WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
- AFTER I BOUGHT UNIFORMS
FOR THE ENTIRE SQUAD.
OH, LET'S FACE IT, CHATSWORTH.
WITHOUT ME, YOU
ARE AN UTTER DUNCE.
- ALL THE MORE REASON WHY I
SHOULD LEAVE HOME INSTANTLY.
I AM LEAVING FOR
CAMP IMMEDIATELY
WHERE I SHALL BECOME
A SOLDIER, A FIGHTER,
A HARD, TOUGH MAN AMONG MEN!
TREMBLAY?
- YES, MASTER?
- REMEMBER TO PACK ALL
MY LAMB'S WOOL SOCKS
AND SEVERAL ELECTRIC COMFORTERS.
I HEAR TELL THOSE BEASTLY
BAGS ARE NOT EVEN STEAM-HEATED.
- OH, THIS ARMY THAT
HAS ACCEPTED YOU,
IS IT THE AMERICAN ARMY?
- MUMSY.
- OH, WELL, I WON'T
HAVE IT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU CAN'T GO
BECAUSE I FORBID IT!
OH, CHATSWORTH, IT
SEEMS BUT YESTERDAY
SINCE I FED YOU, TUCKED YOU IN,
SANG LULLABIES IN MY
GLORIOUS CONTRALTO VOICE.
IT SEEMS BUT YESTERDAY.
- BEG PARDON, MADAM.
IT WAS BUT YESTERDAY.
- NOW YOU WANT TO
BELIEVE A CALENDAR
OR WHAT IS WITHIN
A MOTHER'S HEART?
- OH, YES, MADAM.
- MUMSY, I AM GOING
AND NOTHING YOU CAN
SAY OR DO WILL STOP ME.
TA-TA.
I MUST AWAY TO THE CONFLICT!
HUP, TWO, THREE, FOUR,
CROSS THE ROOM AND OUT THE DOOR!
- OH, HE IS A NASTY BOY.
OH, HE IS INDEPENDENT,
BUT HE IS NASTY.
HELLO, LONG DISTANCE?
GIVE ME, WELL, WHOEVER'S
IN CHARGE OF THE ARMY.
NO, YOU IDIOT.
I DON'T WANT TO JOIN IT,
BUT I MAY HAVE TO BUY IT.
- SEE HOW UNPREDICTABLE
AND DANGEROUS
LIFE IN THE ARMY CAN BE?
WE LEARNED TO DEAL
WITH FLAME, FLAK, FIRE
AND THEN ALONG COMES A NEW
AND EVEN MORE FRIGHTENING MENACE
LIKE MRS. CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, SR.
BUT I'M PROUD TO STATE THAT
WE ARE NOW PREPARED TO MEET
WHATEVER HORRIBLE DISASTER
WE'LL EVER HAVE TO FACE.
- YOU RANG?
GOOD BUDDY, GUESS WHAT?
- WHAT?
- IT'S THE SCARIEST THING
THAT HAPPENED SINCE
WE JOINED THE ARMY.
IT'S SO SCARY I'M
SCARED TO TELL YOU.
STOP PESTERING ME!
I TOLD YOU I WAS
TOO SCARED TO TELL.
OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU.
GUESS WHO'S IN THE ARMY
AND COMING OVER
TO JOIN OUR PLATOON.
A WILD GUESS.
- BRIGITTE BARDOT.
- I SAID A WILD GUESS.
- REX, THE WONDER HORSE.
- YOU'RE GETTING CLOSER.
- MAYNARD...
- IT'S CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
- CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.?
- YEAH.
MAYBE WE OUGHT TO LIKE SURRENDER
TO THE RUSSIANS RIGHT NOW, HUH?
- MAYNARD, YOU GOTTA
BE MAKING THIS UP.
CHATSWORTH'S MOTHER WOULD
NEVER LET HIM JOIN THE ARMY.
- ANYONE FOR WAR?
- CHATSWORTH, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I DECIDED TO JOIN UP AND
IMPROVE THE ARMY'S MORALE.
IT WAS THE LEAST I COULD DO.
- AND YOU'RE IN OUR PLATOON?
- BUT, OF COURSE. RIPPING
GOOD LUCK, ISN'T IT?
- OH, BOY.
- LIKE, OH, DITTO.
- YEAH.
- YOU CHAPS DON'T APPEAR
EXACTLY ECSTATIC TO SEE ME.
WHAT IS IT, PRAY TELL?
- OH, NOTHING,
CHATSWORTH, NOTHING.
- YOU JUST DON'T
WANT ME, THAT'S ALL.
DON'T TRY TO HIDE IT.
I'LL TRY TO GET TRANSFERRED
TO ANOTHER PLATOON.
- I'LL HELP YOU.
- MAYNARD!
- I DID SO WANT TO MEND
MY WAYS AND CEASE BEING
CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR, FOUL BALL
AND BECOME
CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR., SOLDIER.
- YOU REALLY MEAN
THAT, CHATSWORTH?
- OH, DOBIE-DO, IT IS
MY HEARTFELT WISH.
- THEN YOU DESERVE A CHANCE
EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE
KIND OF A PROBLEM TO US
IN HIGH SCHOOL, NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- YEAH, EVEN IF HE WAS A LOWDOWN
RAT IN HIGH SCHOOL, NO OFFENSE.
- CHATSWORTH,
WE'RE GONNA GET YOU
STARTED RIGHT IN THE ARMY.
HEY, FELLAS, COME
ON OVER AND MEET
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.!
HE COMES FROM OUR HOMETOWN
AND HE'S A REGULAR GUY.
- YEAH, HE'S A REGULAR GUY
WHO LIVES IN A 48-ROOM HOUSE
AND A 50-ACRE ESTATE SURROUNDED
BY A 16-FOOT BRICK WALL.
- WITH BROKEN GLASS
IMBEDDED IN THE TOP.
GLORIOSKY, I FEEL GOOD ALL OVER.
- SO CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
JOINED THE ARMY
AND TRIED TO ADJUST.
IT WASN'T EASY FOR THE ARMY
OR CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, JR.
BUT HE FORCED
HIMSELF TO ACT AND TALK
JUST LIKE ONE OF THE BOYS.
- BUT ONE ALWAYS VACATIONS
AT THE RIVIERA FOLLOWING
THE POLO SEASON.
DOESN'T ONE?
- ALL RIGHT, MEN, FALL IN!
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE YOU THE
REST OF THE AFTERNOON OFF
TILL YOU RUN THROUGH
THE MANUAL OF ARMS.
- OH, GREAT! THAT'S A CINCH!
- AND YOU BETTER RUN
THROUGH IT CORRECT.
- SERGEANT, OH, SERGEANT.
SURELY YOU DON'T MEAN THE
REGULAR MANUAL OF ARMS?
- I SURE DO, AND WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE REGULAR
MANUAL OF ARMS, OSBORNE?
- NOTHING AT ALL. IT'S
REALLY QUITE PLEASANT.
BUT DON'T YOU THINK THAT
THE QUEEN ANNE SALUTE
IS EVER SO MUCH MORE CHIC?
- WHAT KIND OF SALUTE?
- QUEEN ANNE,
AS PRACTICED BY HER
MAJESTY'S ROYAL FUSILIERS.
OBSERVE!
- HEY, THAT'S PRETTY SHARP.
NONE OF YOU JOKERS GETS OFF
UNTIL YOU LEARN
THAT QUEENY SALUTE
LIKE OSBORNE HERE!
- OH, SHOWOFF!
- NOW FALL OUT AND
TEACH THEM GOOD, SOLDIER!
- NEVER FEAR, SERGEANT!
I SHALL TURN THEM INTO PRECISION
DRILLED FIGHTING MACHINES!
IT IS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE,
FELLOW MUSKETEERS.
ONE SIMPLY GRASPS
THE RIFLE THUSLY
AND GIVES IT A SHARP...
- DARN THAT CHATSWORTH!
WE TRIED LIKE THE DICKENS
TO TEACH HIM THE THINGS A
NORMAL FELLA HAS TO KNOW
IF HE'S GONNA GET
ALONG IN THIS WORLD,
HOW TO AVOID WORK,
HOW TO GOOF OFF
WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT,
LIKE THAT.
IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT,
BUT FINALLY HE
STARTED TO CATCH ON.
- THE PROPER TECHNIQUE
FOR GETTING ALONG
IS TO VOLUNTEER FOR EVERYTHING.
- THAT'S THE PROPER TECHNIQUE
FOR BECOMING A HOSPITAL CASE.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'VE GOTTA STOP
VOLUNTEERING AND SHOWING OFF
OR THE FELLAS ARE
GONNA MURDER ALL OF US.
- YEAH. WE COME
FROM THE SAME TOWN,
SO WE'RE UP TO OUR
ELBOWS WITH YOU,
LIKE THREE PEAS IN A POT.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S POD.
- DEAR, I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE RIGHT, DOBIE-DO.
I SIMPLY MUST LEARN TO
CURB MY NATURAL SUPERIORITY.
- YOU CAN DO IT, CHATSY.
I DID IT AND NOW NOBODY
KNOWS I WAS, LIKE,
NATURALLY SUPERIOR.
- MEN, BEFORE I TURN YOU LOOSE
TO GET CLEANED UP FOR CHOW,
I WANT TO RUN THROUGH
THIS HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT
WE'VE BEEN LEARNING.
YOU.
- LIKE, ME?
- LIKE, YOU.
- LIKE, ME?
- LIKE, YOU.
- LIKE, ME?
DON'T NOBODY MOVE. THERE'S,
LIKE, A SNEAKY VENTRILOQUIST
AROUND HERE SOMEPLACE.
- CUT THAT BLABBERING,
KREBS! FRONT AND CENTER!
- OH.
- NOW LET'S SAY I'M YOUR
ENEMY AND I HAVE A KNIFE
AND I'M COMING AT
YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO?
- I, LIKE, BECOME YOUR FRIEND.
- NO. KREBS, YOU'RE
A HOPELESS CASE.
- LIKE, WHOM AMONG
US IS PERFECT?
- OSBORNE, YOU COME AT ME.
NOW DON'T BE AFRAID.
I'M NOT GONNA HURT YOU.
OSBORNE, WHAT IN TARNATION?
HEY, THAT WAS A
PRETTY SMOOTH TRICK!
WHERE'D YOU LEARN IT?
- IT'S JUST A LITTLE DIPSY-DO
I PICKED UP FROM MUMSY.
- MUMSY?
- YEAH, SHE USE TO TEACH DIRTY
FIGHTING TO THE COMMANDOS.
- WHERE YOU YARD BIRDS GOING?
- WE GOTTA GET CLEANED
UP FOR CHOW, SERGEANT.
- NOBODY LEAVES THIS SPOT UNTIL
THEY LEARN THAT LITTLE DIPSY-DO
THAT PRIVATE OSBORNE
PICKED UP FROM MUMSY.
START DEMONSTRATING, OSBORNE.
- I SHALL BE HONORED.
NOW, CRONIES,
THE BASIC ELEMENT OF
HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT IS LEVERAGE.
BEHOLD, I SHALL
DEMONSTRATE WITH ALL OF YOU.
YOU FIRST. ONE GRASPS
THE OPPONENT THUSLY
AND THEN... I DID IT AGAIN, HUH?
- I WOULD SAY YOU DID IT AGAIN.
- BUT I JUST CAN'T
HELP IT, CHAPS!
YOU SEE, I COME FROM A
LONG MILITARY BACKGROUND.
- AND YOU'RE HEADING FOR
A SHORT MILITARY FUNERAL.
- ALL RIGHT. IT WILL
NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.
I SHALL LOWER MYSELF TO
THE LEVEL OF YOU COMMON MEN
OR I AM NOT CHATSWORTH
OSBORNE, JR.,
GENTLEMAN SCHOLAR
AND NOBLE GLADIATOR.
- YOUR BAGS ARE PACKED,
MADAM, ALL 12 OF THEM.
- AND THE TRUNKS?
- ALL 12 OF THEM TOO, MADAM.
- GOOD.
I SHALL GO TO CHATSWORTH'S
CAMP IMMEDIATELY.
- MADAM?
- WELL, WHAT IS
IT? SPEAK UP, MAN.
- NO OFFENSE, MADAM,
BUT BELOW STAIRS,
WE'RE WONDERING
IF YOU'RE NOT TAKING MASTER
CHATSWORTH'S ENLISTMENT
JUST A TRIFLE TOO SERIOUSLY?
- NONSENSE! WHATEVER
GAVE THEM THAT IDEA?
["AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"
PLAYS ON PHONOGRAPH]
- ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, SQUAD HALT!
LEFT FACE!
AT EASE!
WE HAVE FIVE MINUTES
BEFORE CHOW, MEN.
WE'RE GONNA BRUSH UP ON
THE MILITARY FIELD MANUAL.
WHAT IS THE FIRST MISSION
OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IN ANALYZING
TRAINING DIRECTIVES?
ANYONE?
OSBORNE?
- THE FIRST MISSION OF
THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IS TO ATTAIN AND MAINTAIN
A PRESCRIBED LEVEL
OF COMBAT OPERATIONAL
PROFICIENCY.
- EXCELLENT. NOW WHAT
IS THE SECOND MISSION
OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IN ANALYZING
TRAINING DIRECTIVES?
ANYONE?
OSBORNE?
- THE SECOND MISSION OF
THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IS TO CONDUCT
REPLACEMENT TRAINING
IN TRAINING UNITS FOR
SPECIALIZED OPERATIONS.
- CORRECT. WHAT
IS THE THIRD MISSION
OF THE COMMANDING OFFICER
IN ANALYZING
TRAINING DIRECTIVES?
OSBORNE, YOU KNOW THAT.
- I HAVEN'T THE
FAINTEST IDEA, SERGEANT.
- YOU MEN HAVE BEEN
SLOPPING AROUND
LIKE A BUNCH OF TIRED WASHWOMEN.
NOW WHO WANTS TO MAKE UP FOR IT
BY VOLUNTEERING
TO CARRY A DISPATCH
TO COMPANY HEADQUARTERS?
BOY, WHAT A BUNCH OF GOLDBRICKS!
ATTENTION!
DISMISSED!
- TELL ME, PRAY, COMPATRIOTS,
HOW HAVE I BEEN DOING
THESE PAST FEW DAYS?
- PRETTY GOOD, CHATSWORTH.
YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF
SOME OF THE FELLAS ARE
EVEN STARTING TO LIKE YOU.
- EVEN ME, AND THAT AIN'T EASY
BECAUSE INSIDE OF
ME, LIKE, HATES YOU.
- OBSERVE HOW I'VE BEEN
MEETING THIS CHALLENGE
AS I MEET ALL OTHERS,
WITH COURAGE, DETERMINATION
AND STUNNING SUCCESS.
- NOW I'M STARTING TO HATE
YOU ON THE OUTSIDE AGAIN.
- AND MUMSY, POOR DEAR THING,
SHE SAID I WOULDN'T AMOUNT
TO A HILL OF BEANS. HA!
- HA!
- HA!
- HA! IF YOU THINK THAT
I'M GOING TO SETTLE
FOR A CHENILLE BEDSPREAD
FOR MY LITTLE BOY'S BED, HA!
I WANT PURE SILK
OR I'LL FLY MY OWN
IN FROM THE ORIENT!
- MUMSY!
- OH, CHATSWORTH,
MY SOLDIER LAD.
HOW DO YOU LIKE WHAT
MY DECORATING CREW
DID TO THIS DREARY BARRACKS?
- OH...
- HELLO, MRS. OSBORNE.
- GREETINGS, MRS. O.
- GOOD HEAVENS!
WHEN DID THE
INVASION TAKE PLACE?
- NO, MRS. O. I'M
MAYNARD G. KREBS,
A SOLDIER IN THE,
LIKE, ARMED FORCES.
- MUMSY, I CANNOT
TAKE ANY OF THIS!
WITH THE HELP OF
GILLIS AND KREBS HERE,
I AM DETERMINED TO
SUCCEED ON MY OWN MERIT.
- THAT'S A WIZARD IDEA,
BUT YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NONE.
- MUMSY!
- NO OSBORNE MAN HAS ANY MERIT.
- MUMSY!
- NO OSBORNE MAN HAS
ROOM FOR ANY MERIT.
HE'S TOO FILLED WITH NASTINESS.
- OH, BUT MUMSY, I
THOUGHT THAT WE HAD...
- NO. FROM NOW ON,
I'LL DO ALL THE THINKING.
AND IF THERE IS A
PROBLEM AND, MIND YOU,
MUMSY DOESN'T ALLOW THAT OFTEN,
I WILL BE RIGHT HERE.
- LIKE, RIGHT HERE
IN THE BARRACKS?
- LIKE, RIGHT.
- LIKE, IT'LL BE EMBARRASSING.
- LIKE, THAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM, BUSTER.
- BUT CHATSWORTH WILL BE HERE
FOR SIX MONTHS, MRS. OSBORNE.
- OH, SIX MONTHS I COULD
DO STANDING ON MY HEAD.
- HOLY JUMPING UP AND
DOWN! WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?
- WHO ARE ALL THESE
JABBERING RAGAMUFFINS?
- THESE ARE MY BUNKIES, MUMSY.
- WELL, FROM NOW ON,
MUMSY WILL BE YOUR BUNKIE.
I PUT A WALL OFF THE
END OF THAT ROOM
FOR MY LIVING QUARTERS
AND I'LL HAVE TREMBLAY AND
THE VALET IN HERE WITH YOU.
NOW GET OUT! OUT,
I SAY! GO ON! OUT!
- BUT THEY LIVE HERE!
- WELL, THEY'LL HAVE
TO FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE.
NOW GO ON, GET OUT!
- OH, DOBE, DIG THIS WILD GEAR!
A CASHMERE BARRACKS BAG,
SOLID GOLD DOG TAG?
- GEE. BLOOD TYPE R.
- FOR ROYAL,
WITH THE BLOOD TYPE
SET IN SEED PEARLS.
- THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE,
SIR. NONE OF MY MEN WOULD...
- UH-HUH.
- TEN HUT!
- MADAM? WHO ARE YOU
AND WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN THESE BARRACKS?
- TEN HUT!
THIS INSUBORDINATION
WILL CEASE AT ONCE!
SUCK IN YOUR GUT, SOLDIER!
THROW OUT YOUR CHEST!
STRAIGHTEN YOUR BACK!
STATE YOUR NAME,
RANK AND SERIAL NUMBER!
- LEROY J. STONEHENGE,
COLONEL, UNITED STATES ARMY,
SERIAL NUMBER...
NOW CUT THAT OUT!
SERGEANT, THIS IS THE WOMAN
WHO STRUCK THREE
MPs WITH AN UMBRELLA.
- BUT, SIR, I...
- AND TRIED TO RUN OVER TWO
MORE WITH A FURNITURE TRUCK!
- THEY REFUSED TO
OBEY MY COMMAND
TO DELIVER THE TELEVISION SET.
- MADAM, BY WHAT AUTHORITY
DO YOU DARE INVADE THIS POST?
- BY THE HIGHEST
AUTHORITY IN THIS WORLD.
BY THE AUTHORITY OF
AN AMERICAN MOTHER
FIGHTING TO PROTECT HER YOUNG.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CLODS!
PUT YOUR RIGHT
HAND ON YOUR HEARTS
AND I WANT TO HEAR TWO CHORUSES
OF "M IS FOR THE MANY
THINGS SHE GAVE ME."
- MUMSY, PLEASE!
- SERGEANT,
ESCORT THIS PERSON
OFF THE POST IMMEDIATELY!
- YOU HAVE NOT
HEARD THE END OF THIS,
YOU SNIVELING RASCAL!
DO YOU KNOW HOW
MANY MILLION MOTHERS
THERE ARE IN AMERICA?
THERE ARE 67 MILLION.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY
COLONELS THERE ARE?
ABOUT 200.
AND THERE IS GOING
TO BE ONE LESS.
WE ARE GOING TO PULL YOU
LIMB FROM COWARDLY LIMB!
- THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!
UNTIL I CAN INVESTIGATE FURTHER,
THIS BARRACKS IS RESTRICTED!
- CHUMS! BUNKIES!
MUMSY, NOW I'LL NEVER
BE ADMIRED AND RESPECTED,
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
- OH, CHIN UP, CHATSWORTH.
I HAVE AN IDEA THAT
WILL FIX EVERYTHING.
ALL RIGHT, ESCORT
ME FROM THE POST!
- CHUMS, BUNKIES, I ASSURE YOU
I HAD NOTHING WHATEVER
TO DO WITH THIS!
OH, MICE AND RATS!
DOBIE-DO, KREBS BABY,
SURELY YOU DON'T THINK
I HAD ANYTHING TO DO
WITH ASKING MUMSY TO DO THIS?
- OF COURSE NOT, CHATSWORTH.
WE KNOW YOU'RE TRYING
TO DO THE RIGHT THING
AND YOU'RE NOT A LOWDOWN BUM.
- THAT'S RIGHT, YOU LOWDOWN BUM.
- MAYNARD.
WE KNOW YOU'RE TURNING
INTO A RIGHT GUY, CHATSWORTH.
BUT I'M AFRAID
WE'LL NEVER BE ABLE
TO CONVINCE THE OTHER FELLAS.
- YEAH, THEY ALL THINK YOU'RE A
LOWDOWN BUM, YOU LOWDOWN BUM,
NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE.
- NO OFFENSE, CHATSWORTH,
BUT MAYNARD'S RIGHT.
THEY'D LIKE TO ROLL
YOU UP IN A SACK
AND THEN USE YOU FOR
KICKING FIELD GOALS.
YES, SIR.
CHATSWORTH WAS POSITIVELY
THE MOST HATED MAN
IN THE ARMY, INCLUDING THE MPs.
BUT THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THERE WAS A CHANGE.
CHANGE? IT WAS A REVOLUTION.
- CHATSWORTH, EVERYBODY
LOVES YOU, OLD LOVABLE.
- WELL, YESTERDAY I WAS HATEFUL.
- YOU'RE THE MOST LOVABLE
HATEFUL FELLA IN CAMP.
- BUT I'M BEWILDERED.
WHY ALL AT ONCE
AM I EVERYBODY'S BELOVED FRIEND?
- HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?
- HOW CAN I HEAR?
NOBODY TALKS TO ME.
BUT WHATEVER THE REASON
FOR MY SUDDEN
OVERWHELMING POPULARITY,
I'LL WAGER I KNOW
WHO'S BEHIND IT.
- NOW, GENTLEMEN,
AS YOU SEE, I HAVE
BOUGHT UP ALL THE LANDS
IN ALL DIRECTIONS
ADJOINING THIS ARMY POST.
NOW I'LL SHOW YOU
A FULL-SCALE MODEL
OF THE RECREATION CENTER
WHICH I INTEND TO
DONATE TO THIS ARMY BASE.
- WE ARE MOST ANXIOUS
TO SEE IT, MRS. OSBORNE.
- NATURALLY YOU ARE.
WELL, STAND BY,
HATS OFF AND VOILÀ!
THIS IS THE RECREATION CENTER
I WILL DONATE TO THIS POST.
- MRS. OSBORNE, YOU ARE A JEWEL
IN THE CROWN OF
AMERICAN MOTHERHOOD.
- OH, PLEASE, NO
FAWNING, COLONEL.
NOW HERE WE HAVE
THE FIVE INDOOR SWIMMING
POOLS, HERE ARE THE TENNIS COURTS,
HERE'S THE POLO FIELD.
- SUPERB!
- OVER HERE, WE WILL
MAINTAIN 28 LANES OF BOWLING,
FOUR BALLROOMS WITH
CONTINUOUS FLOOR SHOW
AND FREE GUM.
- BULLY!
- BE QUIET, PLEASE.
AND THAT HIGH TOWER
WILL BE MY LIVING QUARTERS.
AS YOU KNOW, I WILL TAKE
UP RESIDENCE ON THIS POST.
- WE WOULDN'T HAVE
IT ANY OTHER WAY.
- NATURALLY. WELL, GENTLEMEN,
I HAVE 10,000 CUBIC YARDS OF
CEMENT TO POUR BEFORE DARK,
SO YOU WILL EXCUSE ME.
- OH, MRS. OSBORNE,
JUST ONE MORE THING
FOR THE PRESS RELEASES.
NOW WHAT ARE WE CALLING
THIS GLORIOUS PLEASURE DOME?
- WHY, THE PRIVATE FIRST CLASS
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE
RECREATION CENTER!
WHAT ELSE?
AT EASE, SOLDIER.
WHAT?
WELL, I'LL SEE ABOUT THIS!
- LIKE, HEY, HERE HE COMES!
- COME ON, FELLAS, ALL TOGETHER!
- ♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY
GOOD FELLOW ♪
♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪
- YAY!
- GOLLY, CHAPS,
DO YOU REALLY AND TRULY MEAN IT?
AM I REALLY AND TRULY
A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW?
- YEAH, LIKE, THE JOLLIEST
AND LIKE, THE GOODIEST.
- CHATSWORTH, YOU'RE
EVERYBODY'S FRIEND.
HEY, LET'S GIVE HIM A
RIDE THROUGH CAMP
AND SHOW HIM HOW
MUCH WE LIKE HIM.
- WOULD YOU ALL
LOVE ME JUST AS MUCH
IF THERE WEREN'T GOING TO
BE ANY RECREATION CENTER?
- YEAH!
- OH, THANKS,
BECAUSE THERE ISN'T GOING
TO BE ANY RECREATION CENTER.
- WHAT HAPPENED, CHATSWORTH?
YOUR MOTHER BACK DOWN?
- OH, NO, MUMSY'S DEAD GAME.
- YOU MEAN THE
ARMY WON'T GO FOR IT?
- THE ARMY HAS
APPROVED EVERYTHING.
- THEN WHO'S, LIKE, PUTTING
THE WHAMMY ON THIS DEAL?
- I AM.
- LIKE, YOU?
- LIKE, I.
- YOU MEAN NO 28
LANES OF BOWLING?
- TRY TO UNDERSTAND.
- AND NO FOUR DANCE HALLS?
- TRY, TRY, TRY.
- NO FREE CHEWING GUM?
- I'M ABSOLUTELY
DESOLATE, BUNKIES, BUT...
- CHATSWORTH! THIS NOTE!
HOW DARE YOU TELL ME
TO STOP CONSTRUCTION.
I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO TAKE
AWAY YOUR SHINY NEW YACHT
AND YOUR PLATINUM
MOTOR SCOOTER AND I...
- MUMSY! MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING!
- MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING?
OH!
DOCTORS! NURSES! MEDICS!
OH, THIS BOY IS NOT WELL!
STRETCHER BEARERS!
- MUMSY, MUMSY, I AM QUITE WELL.
- OH, RIDICULOUS.
NO OSBORNE SAYS
MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING
UNLESS HE'S COMPLETELY
OUT OF HIS HEAD.
- NOW HEAR ME, MUMSY.
I AM SIMPLY TRYING TO TELL
YOU THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO BUY RESPECT
WITH BASKETBALL SUITS
AND RECREATION CENTERS.
- WELL, HOW ELSE WOULD A
SCHNOOK LIKE YOU WIN RESPECT?
- IF THAT IS THE
ONLY WAY I CAN WIN IT,
I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO
LEARN TO GET ALONG WITHOUT IT.
- I TAKE THAT TO MEAN
THAT YOU WANT TO
TRY TO GET ALONG
WITHOUT YOUR MOTHER TOO.
YOU BULL-HEADED,
PERSNICKETY BOY. WELL!
- NOW HEAR ME OUT, MUMSY.
THE ARMY BROUGHT ME UP
HERE TO TRY TO TEACH ME
TO PROTECT YOU AND ALL
THE OTHER MUMSIES IN THE USA.
NOW HOW CAN I
LEARN TO PROTECT YOU
IF YOU'RE UP HERE TRYING
TO PROTECT ME ALL THE TIME?
- YOU PROTECT ME?
BUT YOU'RE JUST A BOY.
- A BOY?
- A LITTLE BOY.
- MUMSY, HOW DID YOU JUST
DESCRIBE ME A MINUTE AGO?
- BULL-HEADED AND PERSNICKETY.
- AND HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE
THE GROWN-UP OSBORNE MEN?
- BULL-HEADED AND PERSNICKETY...
YOU MEAN...
- EXACTLY.
THE MUMSIES ARE
ALWAYS LAST TO KNOW.
- OH, WHY DID I LET THEM CUT
OFF YOUR CURLS SO SOON?
I TOLD THEM 14 WAS TOO YOUNG.
- THERE, THERE, MUMSY.
I'VE GROWN UP, THAT'S ALL.
YOUR LITTLE BOY HAS GROWN UP.
- WHEN I GET HOME,
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR
FIRST LITTLE BLUE SPORTS CAR
AND HAVE IT DIPPED IN GOLD.
- AND YOU WON'T TRY TO
FORCE THE RECREATION CENTER
DOWN OUR THROATS?
- OF COURSE NOT!
DID GEORGE WASHINGTON'S
MOTHER BUILD SWIMMING POOLS
FOR THE CONTINENTAL MILITIA?
- NO.
- DID CUSTER'S MOTHER
BUY INDIAN SUITS
FOR ALL THE BOYS
AT LITTLE BIG HORN?
- NO.
- NO, THEY MADE GOOD
ON THEIR OWN, JUST LIKE YOU.
JUST LIKE ALL THE BULL-HEADED,
PERSNICKETY OSBORNES.
- MUMSY, I LOVE YOU.
- ALL RIGHT, CHATSWORTH,
BREAK CLEAN.
AND ANOTHER THING.
- YES, MUMSY.
- IF I DON'T SEE EAGLES ON
YOUR SHOULDER BY CHRISTMAS,
DON'T BOTHER COMING HOME.
- MAYNARD, THAT
CHATSWORTH'S QUITE A GUY.
- DOBE, HOW CAN YOU SAY
SUCH A THING ABOUT A CREEP
WHO SNICKERED US OUT OF
ALL THAT FREE CHEWING GUM?
- MAYNARD, LET ME
PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY.
YOU'RE SITTING IN A FOXHOLE
ALONGSIDE ANOTHER SOLDIER, SEE?
AND THE GUNS ARE FIRING
AND THE SHELLS ARE
EXPLODING ALL AROUND YOU.
- ME, DOBE?
- MAYNARD,
IT'S JUST A FOR INSTANCE.
NOW IF YOU WERE IN THIS FOXHOLE,
WHAT KIND OF FELLA
WOULD YOU LIKE THIS
OTHER SOLDIER TO BE?
- I DON'T WANT ONE SOLDIER. I
WANT, LIKE, A WHOLE REGIMENT.
- MAYNARD, THE SOLDIER FIGHTING
BESIDE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE GUTS,
GOOD OLD-FASHIONED GUTS.
- LIKE, TRUE.
- LIKE, TRUE.
AND I GIVE YOU THE
FIRST MAN IN HISTORY
WITH THE GUTS AND THE COURAGE
TO STAND UP TO MRS.
CHATSWORTH OSBORNE, SR.
- GOOD BUDDY, CHUM, FOXHOLE PAL!
- HOLD ON, CHAPS.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- NO OFFENSE, CHATSY,
BUT WE LOVE YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT SAYING THAT
JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?
YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
- SURE, WE MEAN IT,
CHATSWORTH. YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY.
BEFORE LONG, YOU'LL
BE ONE OF THE BOYS,
A REAL SOLDIER IN THE U.S. ARMY.
- JUST LIKE ME.
- OH, FOR JOY, FOR JOY.
- IF THE ARMY CAN
TAKE THE TWO OF YOU,
THEN BRING ON THE ENEMY.
- LIKE, HI, GOOD
BUDDIES. WHO'S WINNING?
- IT'S PRETTY CLOSE, MAYNARD.
I STARTED OFF BY TAKING...
- OH, NO USE EXPLAINING TO ME,
DOBE. I DON'T, LIKE, DIG BRIDGE.
- DOBIE-DO, I OWE YOU MUCH
THANKS FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED.
AND, BELIEVE ME, I HAVE
LEARNED MY LESSON.
- WHAT LESSON?
- I'M GOING TO CURB
MY NATURAL SUPERIORITY.
- ATTABOY, CHATSWORTH.
- STARTING TOMORROW.
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪
♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪
♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪
♪ NO MATTER ♪
♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪
♪ DOBIE ♪