The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 26 - The Battle of Maynard's Beard - full transcript

- TEN-HUT!

RIGHT FACE.

ALL RIGHT. TAKE FIVE.

KREBS, YOU'RE STILL
WEARING THAT BEARD, HUH?

- YEAH, I THINK SO.

OH, YES, RIGHT WHERE I LEFT
IT, ON THE END OF MY CHIN.

- I TOLD YOU GET RID OF IT.

- THE CHIN?
- THE BEARD.

- DOBIE, TELL HIM, LIKE, PLEASE.

- SERGEANT, THE RECRUITING
OFFICER BACK HOME

TOLD MAYNARD HE
COULD KEEP THE BEARD



AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T
INTERFERE WITH HIS DUTIES.

- AND I NEVER STEPPED ON IT
NOR SIGNAL AN ENEMY WITH IT.

- NO.
- WELL, IF YOU ASK ME, KREBS,

YOU'RE GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER.

- I DIDN'T ASK HIM. DID
YOU ASK HIM, DOBE?

- NOT ME. NO. NO. NO.
- KREBS, I GOT MY EYE ON YOU.

NOW, THE SECOND THAT THIS
BRUSH GETS IN YOUR WAY...

- LIKE...
- LIKE...

- EVERYTHING UNDER
CONTROL, SERGEANT?

WE DON'T WANT ANY
ACCIDENTS WITH THESE NEW MEN.

- NO CHANCE OF THAT, SIR.
I'VE CHECKED INTO EVERYTHING.

THE SITUATION'S
COMPLETELY UNDER CONTROL.

- OW! OW! LIKE, HELP, DOBIE.

- MAYNARD.



- OOH, OOH, OW!

- ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S
GOING ON HERE?

- WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH THIS MAN?

- OOH. HA HA. OOH.
- YEAH. NOTHING, SIR.

HE JUST GOT HIS BEARD CAUGHT
IN THE BULLET MECHANISM.

- SERGEANT, SEE THAT HE GETS
RID OF THAT BEAT UP MONSTROSITY.

IT'S DANGEROUS, UNSIGHTLY,

AND A MENACE TO
HEALTH AND SAFETY.

- YEAH. I DON'T THINK
MUCH OF IT EITHER. HERE.

- THE BEARD, NOT THE WEAPON.

- LIKE, UH-OH.

- KREBS, NOW I GOT YOU.

THE NEXT TIME I SEE THIS BEARD,

I WANT IT TO BE STARK,
STARING, GLORIOUSLY NAKED.

IS THAT CLEAR?

GILLIS, I'M DETAILING
YOU TO MAKE SURE KREBS

GETS SHAVED RIGHT NOW,
ON THE DOUBLE. MOVE!

- I WON'T DO IT.

I'LL RUN AWAY. I'LL
GO UNDER THE HILL.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
OVER THE HILL. AND QUIET.

YOU'RE GETTING SHAVED.
- I WON'T SHAVE.

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

- IN THE SHORT TIME
I'VE BEEN IN THE ARMY,

I'VE LEARNED A SNOOTFUL
ABOUT THE DUTIES

AND OBLIGATIONS OF
THE AMERICAN SOLDIER.

HE MUST BE ENERGETIC.

HE MUST BE RESOURCEFUL.

HE MUST BE DEVOTED TO DUTY.

BUT ABOVE ALL, HE MUST BE BRAVE,

MANLY, FEARLESS, AND BOLD.

- AW, DOBE, I'VE HAD THIS BEARD

EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN
A LITTLE TINY BABY.

I WANT TO KEEP IT.
- YOU CAN KEEP IT, MAYNARD.

YOU CAN PUT IT IN A LITTLE BAG
AND KEEP IT UNDER YOUR PILLOW.

- OH, NO. NO. NO.
- MAYNARD.

- NO. I AIN'T GONNA SHAVE.
I AIN'T GONNA SHAVE.

- MAYNARD, COME BACK HERE.
- AIN'T GONNA SHAVE.

- NOW, MAYNARD,
YOU'VE GOTTA SHAVE.

- NO, DON'T, DOBE. I'M SCARED.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I
GOT A CHIN UNDER HERE.

- MAYNARD, LOOK...
- OH, MAN,

I MIGHT BE, LIKE, ALL ADAM'S
APPLE WITH MY CHEST UP...

- YOU'VE GOTTA SHAVE.

- OH, DOBE, MY FAMILY
NEVER WENT IN FOR CHINS.

MAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
THE BEARD ON MY GRANDMOTHER.

- HOLD YOUR BREATH,
SOLDIER. THIS IS IT.

- OH, AT LEAST BLINDFOLD
ME BEFORE YOU SHAVE IT.

OH, PLEASE, DOBIE.

- HEY!

- DOBE!

- WHERE WE SNEAKING
OFF TO, DOBE?

- TO GET YOU, LIKE, SHAVED
BEFORE THE ARMY FINDS YOU

A HOME AWAY FROM
HOME IN THE GUARDHOUSE.

- I'VE GOTTA SHAVE, HUH, DOBE?

- YOU'VE GOTTA
SHAVE. YES, MAYNARD.

LOOK, YOU'RE IN THE ARMY NOW.
YOU'VE GOTTA KNUCKLE UNDER.

YOU'VE GOTTA BE ONE OF THE BOYS.

- BUT THIS BEARD'S A CINCH.
I AIN'T ONE OF THE GIRLS.

- LOOK, MAYNARD, YOUR ONLY...

- GILLIS, KREBS,

WHERE ARE YOU, YOU
MISERABLE CLOWNS?

I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

GILLIS! GILLIS!

KREBS! I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

- MEN, WILL YOU
BE SEATED, PLEASE?

- YES, SIR.

- HEY, DOBE, THIS IS THE ARMY.

IF YOU KEEP STANDING
THERE WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN,

THEY'LL COME ALONG AND
YANK A COUPLE OF TEETH.

DOBE, DOBE.

- YOU RANG?

- YOUR FRIEND WOULD LIKE
YOU TO SIT DOWN, SOLDIER,

AND SO WOULD I.

- FORGIVE ME, MY
ANGEL IN KHAKI. SIR.

- NEXT WE WILL TAKE
OUT THE SUBJECT

OF THE RIGHTS AND
PRIVILEGES OF THE SOLDIER.

- HOW I'D LOVE TO
HOLD THAT SOFT,

VELVET HAND IN MINE.

- THAT'S GONNA BE KIND OF
TOUGH BETWEEN SALUTES.

- YEAH. I ALMOST
FORGOT SHE'S AN OFFICER,

AND I'M AN ENLISTED MAN.

SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME.

WHAT A ROTTEN BREAK.
- CHEER UP, DOBE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T WANT
TO HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME,

AND THEY AIN'T EVEN OFFICERS.

- MAYNARD, I COULD RAISE
MYSELF TO HER LEVEL.

I COULD GO TO OFFICER'S
CANDIDATE SCHOOL.

I COULD BECOME A LIEUTENANT.

- I COULD BE A GIANT IF
I WAS FOUR FEET TALL.

- SURE. WHY COULDN'T
I BE AN OFFICER?

ALL IT TAKES IS HARD
WORK AND PERSEVERANCE,

AND THE ABILITY TO LEARN
LOTS OF THINGS REAL FAST

AND I JUST ANSWERED
MY OWN QUESTION.

- NOW, WHICH OF YOU
MEN IS GOING TO DISCUSS

THE RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES
OF THE AMERICAN SOLDIER?

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, SOLDIER?

- LIKE, ME, SIR?

- HE'S PVT. KREBS.

I'M PVT. GILLIS,
PVT. DOBIE GILLIS.

LIEUTENANT, I'D BE
MORE THAN HAPPY...

- AT EASE, PVT. GILLIS.

- YES, SIR.

- LET US PROCEED, PVT. KREBS.

THE RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES

OF THE AMERICAN SOLDIER.

[CLEARING THROAT]

- THE RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES

OF THE AMERICAN SOLDIER
BY PVT. MAYNARD G. KREBS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
LIEUTENANT, MA'AM, SIR?

- WHAT?

- WE AIN'T GOT NONE.

- OF COURSE WE HAVE.

IN CIVILIAN LIFE, I WAS A
PRACTICING ATTORNEY.

AND I CAN TELL YOU THAT
AN AMERICAN SOLDIER

IS, ABOVE ALL, A CITIZEN
OF THE UNITED STATES.

HE'S ENTITLED TO SUCH RIGHTS
AS RELIGIOUS TOLERANCE,

THE RIGHT TO VOTE, THE
RIGHT TO MILITARY JUSTICE,

INCLUDING THE RIGHT TO
DEMAND A COURT-MARTIAL.

- COURT-MARTIAL?
THAT'S, LIKE, A RIGHT?

- IT CERTAINLY IS.
- OH, NO, SIR.

A COURT-MARTIAL, THEY, LIKE,
LOCK YOU UP IN THE GUARDHOUSE,

AND ALL YOU GET
IS OLD, MOLDY BREAD

AND WATER WITH
LITTLE GREEN BUGS IN IT.

- YOU GOT IT ALL
WRONG, PVT. KREBS.

- WHAT IF A HYPOTHETICAL
RECRUITING OFFICER

TOLD A HYPOTHETICAL SOLDIER
THAT HE COULD KEEP HIS BEARD,

BUT A HYPOTHETICAL SERGEANT
TOLD HIM HE HAD TO SHAVE IT OFF?

COULD HE, LIKE, DEMAND

A HYPOTHETICAL
COURT-MARTIAL INSTEAD?

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE
TALKING YOURSELF

STRAIGHT INTO
SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.

- YOU STATE AN INTERESTING
EXAMPLE, PVT. KREBS.

CERTAINLY THE SOLDIER
COULD TAKE IT ALL THE WAY

UP TO A COURT-MARTIAL.

- LIKE, AHA.

- AS A MATTER OF FACT, THERE
WAS A VERY SIMILAR CASE RIGHT HERE

ON THE POST LAST YEAR.

ONE OF THE SOLDIERS
REFUSED HIS G.I. HAIRCUT.

- LIKE, AHA.

- QUIT BEFORE THEY GET
HERE WITH THE HAND CUTTERS.

- HE TOOK A COURT-MARTIAL

AND WAS DEFENDED
BY AN ENLISTED MAN

IN HIS OWN PLATOON.

- AND HE, LIKE, WON, HUH?
- WHAT A TRIAL IT WAS.

- AND HE, LIKE, WON, HUH?

- IT WAS A MAGNIFICENT DISPLAY
OF DEMOCRACY IN ACTION.

- AND HE, LIKE, WON, HUH?

- WELL, NO, HE LOST.

IT WAS A FASCINATING
COURT-MARTIAL.

- SO HE, LIKE, LOST, HUH?

HE SPENT THE REST OF
HIS LIFE IN THE GUARDHOUSE

EATING OLD, MOLDY BREAD
AND WATER WITH GREEN...

- WELL, THAT'S NOT THE
WAY IT TURNED OUT AT ALL.

THE SOLDIER WAS GIVEN
A VERY LIGHT SENTENCE,

AND THE ENLISTED MAN
WHO HANDLED HIS CASE

WAS SENT TO OFFICER'S
CANDIDATE SCHOOL.

- HE, LIKE, LOST, HUH?

WELL, FAREWELL, OLD CHUM.

- LIEUTENANT, DID YOU
SAY THAT THE FELLOW

WHO DEFENDED THIS
OTHER SOLDIER WAS SENT

TO OFFICER'S CANDIDATE SCHOOL?

- RIGHT. HE HANDLED
THE CASE SO BEAUTIFULLY,

THEY FELT HE WAS
OFFICER MATERIAL.

- BUT HE, LIKE, LOST, HUH?

- AND NOW HE'S AN OFFICER,

AND HE CAN DATE OTHER OFFICERS,

LIKE, FOR INSTANCE,
YOU, LIEUTENANT?

- AND HE, LIKE, LOST, HUH?

- OH, WELL, THAT'S
ALL FOR TODAY, MEN.

REPORT BACK TO YOUR BARRACKS.

CLASS DISMISSED.

- OFFICER'S CANDIDATE
SCHOOL, LT. GILLIS.

LT. PORTIA POTTER, I AM
LT. GILLIS, YOUR EQUAL.

YOU AND I WILL MAKE
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL...

- GOOD BUDDY, GOOD BUDDY,

YOU WERE RIGHT ALL
ALONG ABOUT MY BEARD.

I'M GONNA FIND A RAZOR
AND NAKED CHINSVILLE.

- SHAVE OFF YOUR BEARD?

- YEAH, I'M GETTING TIRED
OF PEOPLE COMING UP TRYING

TO BUY COUGH DROPS
OFF ME ANYHOW.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S NOT A BEARD.

IT'S A SACRED PRINCIPLE.

- WELL, I'M GONNA LATHER UP,
AND GOODBYE, SACRED PRINCIPLE.

- MAYNARD, YOU WILL TOUCH
THAT BEARD OVER MY DEAD BODY.

SHOW ME ONE PLACE
IN THE CONSTITUTION

WHERE IT SAYS AN AMERICAN
CITIZEN CANNOT HAVE A BEARD.

- LIKE, WAIT HERE.

I'LL GO HOME AND
READ THE CONSTITUTION.

- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT BEARD IS?

IT'S CONSTITUTIONAL.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

- GOOD BUDDY, YOU'RE ALL BRAIN.

I MEAN, YOU'RE UP
THERE WITH SOCRATES,

PLUTO, AND MORT SAHL.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.

BUT YOU HAVEN'T
SEEN ANYTHING YET.

JUST WAIT TILL THE
COURT-MARTIAL.

- COURT-MARTIAL?
- UH-HUH. YEAH.

- GOOD BUDDY, THE NAKED CHIN
CAT WALKS UP TO ME AND SAYS,

LIKE, HELLO, IT'LL BE, LIKE, ME.

- MAYNARD, SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN.

YOU'VE GOTTA TRUST ME.

WE'LL WIN THIS CASE.

- LIKE, WE'LL?
- RIGHT.

THE TWO OF US TOGETHER.

- OH, DOBE, GOOD
BUDDY, YOU'RE ALL HEART.

I MEAN, LOCKING YOURSELF
IN THAT OLD, DAMP,

DARK, SCARY, OLD
CELL WITH YOUR BUDDY.

- YEAH. NO, MAYNARD,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M NOT EXACTLY GOING
TO GUARDHOUSE WITH YOU.

- OH, YOU'RE GONNA BAKE
ME A CAKE WITH A FILE IN IT.

- NO. NO. I'M DEFENDING
YOU IN THE COURT-MARTIAL.

- NO OFFENSE, BUT I'D RATHER
HAVE A CAKE WITH A FILE IN IT.

- THERE YOU ARE, KREBS.

- WHERE, WHERE, WHERE?
- HERE HE IS, RIGHT HERE.

- DIDN'T I ORDER YOU TO
SHAVE OFF THAT BEARD?

- WELL, IF ANYTHING HAPPENED...
- PVT. KREBS REFUSES TO SHAVE...

- OH, YOU REFUSE, HUH?

- ON HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS.

- LOOK HERE, KREBS,

I KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN A
SOLDIER'S NEW IN THE ARMY

AND HE'S HOMESICK AND
HE'S SCARED. BUT THAT...

- OH, DON'T TRY TO CRAWL
OUT OF IT, SERGEANT.

HE'S GONNA FIGHT THIS THING
RIGHT UP TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

- KREBS, ALL RIGHT. DON'T
MOVE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- DON'T WORRY. HE'LL RIGHT HERE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

- OOH, HE LOOKED MAD THOUGH.
I WONDER WHERE HE'S GOING.

- OH, TO GET ADVICE PROBABLY.

DIDN'T YOU SEE THE
LOOK ON HIS FACE

WHEN I MENTIONED
THE CONSTITUTION?

MAYNARD, YOU'VE GOT HIM
RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT HIM.

- STONE WALLS DO
NOT A PRISON MAKE,

NOR IRON BARS A CAGE.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH.

MAYNARD, STOP WORRYING.

YOU'VE GOT THE ARMY
SCARED TO DEATH.

- AND, LIKE, VICE VERSA.

I GET SIX MONTHS
IN THE GUARDHOUSE.

SIX MONTHS IS
LONGER THAN A YEAR.

I'LL BE WEARING A STRIPED
SUIT AND A BALL AND CHAIN

AND BREAKING ROCKS AND DOING
ALL KINDS OF PRISONER TYPE WORK.

WORK!

STONE WALLS DO
NOT A PRISON MAKE,

NOR IRON BARS A CAGE.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

ALL YOU'VE GOTTA DO IS SHOW
THEM YOU KNOW YOUR RIGHTS.

YOU'VE GOT ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

- AT EASE. ALL
RIGHT. WHERE IS HE?

WHERE IS THAT PRISONER?

- THAT'S THE MAN,
COLONEL, PVT. KREBS.

- YEAH. THAT'S THE MAN
RIGHT THERE, SIR, PVT. KREBS.

- GREAT SCOTT, SERGEANT.

YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO
MISTREAT THIS PRISONER.

- NO, SIR. MAYNARD
ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE THAT.

- SERGEANT, MAKE A NOTE.

KEEP THAT MAN OUT OF SIGHT

WHENEVER WE START A
NEW RECRUITING PROGRAM.

- YES, SIR.
- NOW TO BUSINESS.

SOLDIER, I HEAR YOU REFUSE
TO SHAVE OFF THAT BEARD.

- WHO SAID SO? WHO SAID THAT?

- HE'S THE MAN,
SIR. HE'S THE MAN.

- NOW LOOK HERE, DRIBS.

- COL. SHIP, IT'S KREBS,
PVT. MAYNARD G...

- MAYNARD, MAYNARD, I'LL
ANSWER THE QUESTIONS.

- AND WHO IN BLAZES ARE YOU?

- PVT. GILLIS, SIR, IN
CHARGE OF THIS CASE.

- WHAT?
- NEW REGULATION, SIR.

ENLISTED MEN MAY SERVE AS
COUNSEL FOR THE ACCUSED.

- OH. SERGEANT,

LET ME SEE A LIST OF THE
CHARGES AGAINST THIS PRISONER.

DISGRACEFUL.
DIRECT DISOBEDIENCE.

YOU REALIZE YOU
COULD GET SIX MONTHS

IN THE GUARDHOUSE FOR THIS?

- CALCULATED RISK, SIR.

- YES, SIR, I MEAN,
ON BREAD AND WATER

MOLDY, OLD BREAD AND WATER
WITH LITTLE GREEN BUGS IN IT.

- MAYNARD. MAYNARD.

- STONE WALLS DO
NOT A PRISON MAKE...

- MAYNARD, CEASE AND DESIST.

- KREBS, I SHOULD
PROSECUTE YOU TO THE LIMIT,

BUT I MAY GO EASY ON YOU.

JUST LOOKING AT YOU,

I CAN TELL THAT YOU'RE A RATHER,

SHALL WE SAY, UNUSUAL
TYPE OF SOLDIER.

- IT'S AMERICAN KNOW-HOW, SIR.

- YES.

KREBS, A LEGAL OFFICER

FROM THE JUDGE ADVOCATE
GENERAL'S OFFICE IS COMING HERE

ON HIS REGULAR TOUR
OF INSPECTION NEXT WEEK.

NOW, I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK

THAT WE ON THIS POST DON'T
TEMPER JUSTICE WITH MERCY,

ESPECIALLY IN REGARD
TO NEW AND, UH...

- UNUSUAL?

- SOLDIERS LIKE YOU.

- LIKE, WITH ALL THE
YANKEE INGENUITY, SIR.

- SO I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

YOU SHAVE OFF THAT BEARD,

AND I'LL TEAR UP
THESE CHARGES AND...

- AND I'LL BE IN SCOTLAND
BEFORE YOU OH, BOY,

NO MOLDY, OLD BREAD, NO WATER
WITH LITTLE GREEN BUGS IN IT.

LIKE, WOW, WOW, OOH!

- THAT'S STRAIGHT
THINKING, SOLDIER.

SERGEANT, RELEASE THE PRISONER.

- OH, NOW, JUST A MINUTE.

JUST A DARN MINUTE.

DON'T LET HIM OUT.

- WHAT?
- LIKE, WHAT?

- I'M SORRY, COLONEL,
BUT PVT. KREBS

CANNOT ACCEPT YOUR OFFER.

- HE CAN'T?
- I CAN'T?

- HE STANDS ON PRINCIPLE.
- HE DOES?

- I DOES?
- PRINCIPLE, WHAT PRINCIPLE?

- PRINCIPLE, WHAT PRINCIPLE?

- THE PRINCIPLE OF THE ORDER

TO SHAVE OFF HIS
BEARD'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

IN FACT, HE MAY BE ABLE TO PROVE

THAT THE WHOLE UNITED STATES
ARMY'S UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

- OH, I GET IT, A COUPLE
OF GUARDHOUSE LAWYERS.

WELL, I THINK I KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH A THING LIKE THIS.

SOLDIER, YOU'RE
INCITING TO RIOT,

SPREADING FALSE RUMORS,

GROSS INSUBORDINATION, MUTINY.

NOW, WHAT'S THAT ONE THEY
THREW AT BENEDICT ARNOLD?

- OVERTIME PARKING?

- OH, YES, TREASON.

- OH, NO.

I MEAN I MEAN, LIKE, HAVE MERCY,

LIKE, PLEASE. OH, PLEASE.

- KEEP SMILING, TROUBLEMAKER.

YOU MAY GET OUT
OF THE GUARDHOUSE

BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

BUT I CAN'T
GUARANTEE WHICH YEAR.

- DON'T BE DISCOURAGED, MAYNARD.

IT LOOKED BAD FOR CPT. DREYFUS

OF THE FRENCH ARMY, TOO.

- BUT THEY GOT OFF?
- YOU BET.

AND ALL HE SERVED WAS
NINE YEARS ON DEVIL'S ISLAND.

THEY SAY I GOT MY EYES
AND CHIN FROM MY FATHER

AND MY NOSE AND
FOREHEAD FROM MY MOTHER.

THE ONE THING THAT I DEVELOPED

ALL BY MYSELF WAS
MY BIG, FAT MOUTH.

BUT I STILL HAD ONE
HOPE, LT. PORTIA POTTER

OF THE MILITARY
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.

I HOPED AGAINST HOPE THAT
SHE'D COME UP WITH AN IDEA.

AND SHE DID.

- PLEAD INSANITY.

- HMM. IT'S A LONG SHOT,

BUT MAYNARD MIGHT BE
JUST THE ONE TO PULL IT OFF.

- NOT MAYNARD. YOU.

HOW IN EARTH DID YOU EVER
GET HIM INTO SUCH A MESS?

- GOSH, LIEUTENANT.

YOU TOLD US
SOLDIERS HAVE RIGHTS.

- OH, I KNOW. I KNOW
IT'S MY FAULT, TOO.

DOGGONE IT.

IF ONLY THAT OFFICER

FROM THE JUDGE ADVOCATE
GENERAL'S OFFICE WEREN'T COMING.

- FROM THE HEAD LEGAL
OFFICE OF THE ARMY?

- RIGHT. HE'LL BE HERE
FOR THE COURT-MARTIAL.

- HEY, IF I MAKE A REAL SMART
DEFENSE ON MAYNARD'S BEARD,

MAYBE HE'LL COMMISSION
ME RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT.

AND I WON'T EVEN
HAVE TO GO TO OCS.

WE CAN START DATING RIGHT AWAY.

- GILLIS, IS THAT WHY YOU
TOOK ON MAYNARD'S CASE,

SO YOU COULD BECOME AN
OFFICER AND TAKE ME OUT?

- WELL, YES AND NO.
- MEANING WHAT?

- MEANING, YES,

I WOULD LIKE TO BE AN
OFFICER AND TAKE YOU OUT,

AND MEANING NO.

SOMEHOW, SUDDENLY,

IT'S GOTTEN TO BE SOMETHING
MUCH MORE IMPORTANT

THAN JUST TAKING YOU OUT.

- OH, THANKS A LOT.

- ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I'VE COME TO REALIZE

THAT THERE'S A PRINCIPLE
INVOLVED HERE, A BIG PRINCIPLE.

YOU SAID IT
YOURSELF, LIEUTENANT.

SOLDIERS HAVE RIGHTS
JUST LIKE ANY OTHER CITIZEN,

LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE
PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS.

AND FOR MAYNARD, HAPPINESS

IS A BUNCH OF WHISKERS
ON THE END OF HIS CHIN.

WELL, LIEUTENANT,

MAYBE I HAVEN'T GOT A
CHANCE OF WINNING THIS THING,

BUT I'VE GOTTA
FIGHT JUST THE SAME.

- GILLIS, YOU'RE KIND OF A NUT,
BUT YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

- GEE, I HOPE SO.

I KEEP THINKING
OF MY POOR BUDDY,

MAYNARD, LOCKED
UP IN THE GUARDHOUSE

WHILE I WALK AROUND
FREE AS A BIRD.

TOMORROW, I'LL BE
HOME ON A WEEKEND PASS,

AND MAYNARD, WHERE WILL HE BE?

BEHIND BARS.

- SO, WHAT'S THE WORST
THAT CAN HAPPEN TO HIM?

- OH, HE SPENDS
THREE MONTHS ON K.P.,

GARBAGE DETAIL,

SCRUBBING THE
BARRACKS, LIKE THAT.

- AND HOW DOES
MAYNARD SPEND HIS TIME

WHEN HE IS NOT BEING PUNISHED?

- ON K.P., GARBAGE DETAIL,
SCRUBBING THE BARRACKS...

- GARBAGE DETAIL,
SCRUBBING THE SEE,

IT'S ALL THE SAME.

SEE, YOU CAN'T
POSSIBLY HURT HIM, BOY.

- YEAH. YEAH, I GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD.

BUT I'M GONNA
CONDUCT HIS DEFENSE

AT THE COURT-MARTIAL,
AND I'M AFRAID

I'LL DO THE WRONG THINGS.

- WHAT WRONG THINGS?

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS
EXACTLY LIKE I TELL YOU.

I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS
TO KNOW ABOUT COURTS-MARTIAL.

AFTER ALL, I WAS A FIRST
SERGEANT, YOU KNOW,

WITH A GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.

AND YOU DON'T GET
ONE OF THEM THINGS

WITHOUT YOU KEEP YOUR EARS
OPEN AND YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

- MM-HMM. YES, SIR.

- NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU
GOTTA KEEP IN YOUR HEAD

IS THAT EVERY TIME THE
OTHER SIDE SAYS SOMETHING,

YOU JUMP UP AND YELL, I OBJECT.

- I OBJECT?
- RIGHT.

OH, OF COURSE, NOT ALL THE TIME.

FOR A CHANGE OF PACE,
YOU JUMP UP AND YELL,

IRRELEVANT, IMMATERIAL,
AND INCONSEQUENTIAL.

- WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- WHO KNOWS?

THEY ALWAYS SAY IT

JUST BEFORE THE
COMMERCIAL ON PERRY MASON,

AND HE AIN'T LOST A CASE YET.

- DAD, MAYNARD ISN'T JUST
AN ORDINARY PRISONER.

- TRUE.

WITH HIM, I THINK
MAYBE YOU'D BETTER USE

THE SYMPATHETIC APPROACH,

YOU KNOW, BIG, GOOEY
GLOBS OF SYMPATHY.

YOUR HONOR, YOU CAN'T
SEND THIS BOY TO PRISON.

YOU ASK ME WHY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE HE IS NOT A CRIMINAL.

HE IS THE INNOCENT
VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCES.

YOU CAN'T SEND HIM AWAY.

- I DON'T KNOW, DAD.

THOSE ARMY OFFICERS ARE
PRETTY STRONG-MINDED FELLAS.

- OH, PISH POSH.
- UH-HUH.

- AND REMEMBER ONE THING,

ALWAYS KEEP A GOOD GRIP
ON YOUR SUSPENDERS, SEE?

- BUT WE DON'T WEAR SUSPENDERS.
- I'LL LOAN YOU A PAIR.

IT'S PSYCHOLOGY,
SON, PSYCHOLOGY.

- YEAH. YEAH.

- A LAWYER WHO'S GOT A GOOD GRIP

ON HIS SUSPENDERS
HAS GOT A GOOD GRIP

ON THE CASE HE'S HANDLING, SEE?

- I DON'T KNOW IF
IT'LL WORK, DAD.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU
DON'T KNOW IF IT'LL WORK?

IT WORKED FOR LIONEL BARRYMORE.

IT'LL WORK FOR YOU.

- DAD, I WOULDN'T
WANT TO HURT MAYNARD.

- OH, DON'T WORRY, BOY.

YOU GOT EVERYTHING
GOING FOR YOU,

THE GILLIS BRAIN, THE
GILLIS PERSONALITY,

THE GILLIS GIFT OF GAB,

AND, BEST OF ALL,
HERBERT T. GILLIS IN PERSON.

- YOU, DAD?
- OH, YOU BET, BOY.

I'M COMING UP TO THAT CAMP AND
WATCH MY SILVER-TONGUED BOY

SAVE THIS POOR, MISERABLE,
BROKEN-DOWN YARDBIRD.

- EXHIBIT A, FOR
THE PROSECUTION,

BEARD OF THE DEFENDANT,

PVT. MAYNARD G. KREBS.

THAT BEARD IS THE CORNERSTONE,

IN FACT, THE REPULSIVE
CORNERSTONE,

ON WHICH THIS CASE IS BUILT.

- I, LIKE, OBJECT.

- YOU CAN'T OBJECT.
YOU'RE ON TRIAL.

- I, LIKE, OBJECT TO THAT, TOO.

- ORDER. AND SIT DOWN.

PROCEED, LIEUTENANT.

- THE PROSECUTION WILL SHOW

BEYOND ALL DOUBT
THAT THIS BEARD...

- IS AESTHETICALLY INDEFENSIBLE,
MILITARILY UNFEASIBLE,

AND ARCHITECTURALLY UNSOUND.

IN ADDITION, WE SHALL
PROVE THAT THE ORDER

TO SHAVE THIS BEARD WAS
BASED ON MILITARY NECESSITY

AND DOES NOT VIOLATE
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT.

- YEAH, I OBJECT.

- OVERRULED.

SIT DOWN, PVT. GILLIS.

PVT. KREBS, TAKE
THE WITNESS STAND.

- DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT,

ON THE MORNING
OF APRIL THE 18TH,

ENMESH, ENTANGLE AND
OTHERWISE ENSNARL EXHIBIT A

IN THE BREECH MECHANISM
OF YOUR RIFLE, EXHIBIT B?

- WOULD YOU MIND
REPEATING THE QUESTION

AND LEAVING OUT THE PART
WHERE YOU PULL MY BEARD?

- ANSWER THE QUESTION, KREBS.

DID YOU CATCH YOUR BEARD
IN THE BREECH MECHANISM?

- WHAT'S A BREECH MECHANISM?

- SIR, I SUGGEST THAT A
SOLDIER WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT A BREECH MECHANISM
IS WOULD TANGLE HIS BEARD

IN HIS RIFLE TWO
TIMES OUT OF THREE,

A CLEAR-CUT DANGER
TO LIFE AND LIMB.

STEP DOWN.

I CALL SGT. WYNCOUP
TO THE STAND.

YOU ARE THE
DEFENDANT'S SERGEANT?

- I AM.

AND DID YOU ORDER PVT. KREBS

TO SHAVE, SCRAPE OFF,

OR OTHERWISE REMOVE
THIS BEARD FROM HIS FACE?

- I DID.

- DESCRIBE IN YOUR OWN
WORDS WHAT HAPPENED.

- HE DIDN'T.

- DID YOU WARN HIM

OF THE POSSIBLE RESULTS
OF SUCH AN ATTITUDE?

- I DID.

- THEN WHAT DID HE SAY
ABOUT SHAVING OFF THE BEARD?

- HE WOULDN'T.

- WOULD YOU TELL THE COURT
WHAT LANGUAGE YOU USED TO HIM

WHEN HE DISOBEYED YOU?

I DASH.

- SIR, THE PROSECUTION RESTS.

- PVT. GILLIS, IS THE
DEFENSE READY?

- YES, SIR. WE ARE.

- PROCEED.

- YOUR HONOR...

- HEY, DOBE, DON'T LET HIM
SHOOT ME BEFORE LUNCH.

I WAS TOO SCARED TO
EAT BREAKFAST IN THERE.

- MAYNARD, CUT THAT OUT.

DID YOU PRACTICE WITH THAT RIFLE

I SMUGGLED INTO THE GUARDHOUSE?

- LIKE, ALL NIGHT.

- HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU
TANGLE YOUR BEARD IN IT?

- LIKE, NOT ONCE.

- GREAT. YOU'RE
PRACTICALLY A FREE MAN.

- OH, BOY. I'LL SEE
YOU, LIKE, LATER.

- MAYNARD.

YOUR HONOR, GENTLEMEN
OF THE TRIBUNAL,

LEARNED COUNSEL,

DON'T SEND THIS BOY TO PRISON.

WHY? YOU ASK, WHY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE I SHALL
PROVE THAT THE ORDER

TO SHAVE OFF HIS BEARD
WAS NOT A MILITARY NECESSITY.

- OBJECTION.

THE WITNESS ADMITS
HE CAUGHT HIS BEARD

IN THE BREECH MECHANISM.

- YES. YES. YES.

BUT I SHALL PROVE THAT
IT WAS A ONE CHANCE

IN A MILLION ACCIDENT,
THAT IT WOULDN'T EVER,

AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

PVT. KREBS, PREPARE
TO SIMULATE FIRE.

NOW, GENTLEMEN, YOU WILL
OBSERVE HOW EFFICIENTLY AND SAFELY

PVT. KREBS HANDLES HIS RIFLE.

AS HE PREPARES...
- OH, OW!

- MAYNARD.

THE DEFENSE REQUESTS A RECESS.

- OOH!

- SOME CLIENT.

- YOUR HONOR,

IT IS OBVIOUS THAT THE
ACTIONS OF THE DEFENDANT

HAVE MADE MY CLOSING
ARGUMENT UNNECESSARY.

FURTHERMORE, HIS
DISOBEDIENCE TO A DIRECT ORDER

CALLS FOR THE FULL
PENALTY ALLOWED BY LAW.

THE PROSECUTION RESTS.

- PVT. GILLIS, IS THE
DEFENSE PREPARED

TO OFFER ITS CLOSING ARGUMENTS?

- WE ARE, YOUR HONOR.

GENTLEMEN OF THE
TRIBUNAL, LEARNED COUNSEL,

MAY IT PLEASE THE
COURT MY FINAL PLEA

IS NOT FOR MAYNARD G. KREBS.

NO, BECAUSE MAYNARD G. KREBS

IS NOT ON TRIAL HERE TODAY.

- NO OFFENSE, DOBE, BUT I AM.

- MAYNARD, QUIET. MAYNARD.

NO, GENTLEMEN,
ONE LITTLE SOLDIER,

INNOCENT OR
GUILTY, IT IS NOTHING.

BUT ONE BEARD
VINDICATED, EVERYTHING.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT'S ON TRIAL TODAY,
THE BEARD OF MAYNARD G. KREBS

AND THE BEARDS OF
ALL FREEDOM-LOVING MEN

FROM TIME IMMEMORIAL.

YES, GENTLEMEN,

A SKY FULL OF BEARDED WARRIORS
LOOKS DOWN ON THIS COURT.

IF YOU CONVICT MAYNARD G. KREBS,

YOU ARE ALSO CONVICTING SUCH MEN

AS GEN. ROBERT E. LEE,

GEN. ULYSSES S. GRANT,

GEN. STONEWALL JACKSON,

GEN. WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN.

THESE MEN WERE FREE
UNTRAMMELED SPIRITS.

WHAT MATTERED WAS
THEIR FIGHTING HEARTS,

NOT WHAT GREW ON THEIR CHINS.

IF THEY CHOSE TO EXPRESS
THEMSELVES BY WEARING BEARDS,

WHO ARE WE TO SAY
THEY HAD NO SUCH RIGHT?

SHALL I SPEAK NOW OF
MORE GREAT BEARDED MEN?

VERY WELL. PVT. KREBS,
SHOW US THE NEXT PICTURE.

- WAIT A SECOND. OW! OW! OW!

- MAYNARD!

- OW! OW! OW! OW!

DOBE, IT'S GOT ME, DOBE. OH, NO.

- HERE WE GO AGAIN, MAYNARD.

- OOH, OOH!

- MAYNARD.

- ORDER.

ORDER IN THE COURT.

GENTLEMEN, ARE WE READY
TO CAST OUR BALLOTS?

- IN LIGHT OF THE EVIDENCE,

I DON'T THINK WE'LL HAVE MUCH
TROUBLE REACHING A VERDICT.

- DECISION IS UNANIMOUS.

I FEEL SORRY FOR POOR KREBS.

HE'S A PATHETIC CASE.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.

- SIR, I'VE JUST BEEN
INFORMED THAT THE OFFICER

FROM THE JUDGE
ADVOCATE GENERAL'S OFFICE

HAS ARRIVED ON THE POST.

- SPLENDID. HE'S JUST IN
TIME TO SEE JUSTICE DONE.

ORDER. ORDER IN THE COURT.

THE DEFENDANT WILL RISE.

ON THE CHARGE OF
DIRECT DISOBEDIENCE,

SPECIFICATION, THAT
PVT. MAYNARD G. KREBS

DID WILLFULLY GROW AND
REFUSE TO SHAVE OFF HIS BEARD.

- SIR, COL. EVERHOLD

FROM THE JUDGE
ADVOCATE GENERAL'S OFFICE.

- WHAT WERE THE RESULTS

OF THE PROCEEDINGS OF
THE COURT, GENTLEMEN.

PLEASE CONTINUE.

- PVT. MAYNARD G. KREBS

DID WILLFULLY GROW AND
REFUSE TO SHAVE OFF HIS BEARD,

WHICH IS CONSIDERED UNSOLDIERLY,
UNSIGHTLY AND UNSANITARY.

THE VERDICT IS...

[DRUM ROLL]

NOT GUILTY.

- I GOT ABSOLUTELY NO OFFERS

TO GO TO OFFICER'S
CANDIDATE SCHOOL.

BUT I DID GET A
WONDERFUL SWEET MESSAGE

FROM PORTIA, LT. POTTER.

SHE INVITED ME TO
DROP OVER TO HER HOUSE

NEXT WEEKEND TO MEET HER FIANCÉ.

HE'S A CIVILIAN.

WELL, ANYHOW, DAD
HAD A GOOD TIME.

- OH, DOBE, I WAS
PROUD OF YOU TODAY,

A REAL LIONEL BARRYMORE.

- WELL, THANKS, DAD.

- AND YOU TOO, MAYNARD.
- LIKE, THANK YOU.

- MAYNARD, YOU REALLY PUT
THE BRASS IN THEIR PLACE.

- LIKE, THANK YOU.

- CAN YOU IMAGINE THE GUYS
THINKING A PUNY LITTLE BEARD

LIKE THIS COULD GET IN THE WAY?

WHAT A LAUGH.

- OH, MAYNARD,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- OW!
- MAYNARD. MAYNARD.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪