The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 2, Episode 24 - The Chicken Corporal - full transcript

Dobie is doing well in the army - being near the top of his class - although there is one thing he does not like about the experience, namely lack of girls. The one girl he does encounter he does like and want to date, Betsy, the waitress at the mess hall. She, in turn, turns down Dobie's Saturday night date invitation flatly, that is unless Dobie can find someone as Susie's date in a double date situation, Susie being Betsy's unattractive but friendly roommate. The only person Dobie can think of that he could manipulate into being that fourth is Maynard. To Dobie's surprise, Maynard actually does want to date Susie. The problem ends up being Maynard being able to get a personal leave for Saturday night, as Maynard is currently bottom of the class and flunking. If he doesn't raise his standards by Saturday, Maynard will not get permission for a leave. Dobie comes up with a few plans, using his own high standing among the company, to raise Maynard's standing artificially, those schemes which have an unintended result.

- HI, T.J.

- OH, HIYA, FRIEND GILLIS.

WELL, YOU LOOKIN' RIGHT POORLY

LIKE A TURKEY WHO'S
PAPPY JUST TOLD HIM

THE INSIDE STORY
OF THANKSGIVING.

- T.J., IT'S THIS ARMY LIFE.
THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING.

- WELL, FRIEND, WHAT
COULD BE MISSING?

WE GOT ALL THE HEALTHFUL
VITTLES WE CAN EAT.

- TRUE.

- WE GOT THEM MOVIES

AND SPEECHES AND FREE LEARNING.



- TRUE.

- AND VOLLEYBALL AND PING PONG
AND THEM CHECKER TOURNAMENTS.

- TRUE.

- NICE CLEAN BUNKS TO SLEEP IN

AND PRETTY NEW SUITS
TO PARADE AROUND IN,

SO FRIEND, WHAT IN THE
WORLD COULD BE MISSING?

- DOES THAT ANSWER
YOUR QUESTION?

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

[SCATTING] ♪ DOBIE ♪

[SCATTING]

-YEP, HE'S ENLISTED, TOO.



YOU SEE, A FEW WEEKS AGO,

RIGHT AFTER I GRADUATED
FROM HIGH SCHOOL,

I DECIDED THE TIME HAD COME
TO PUT IN MY ARMY SERVICE,

AND A FELLA'S GOT TO DO
SOME THINKING IN THE ARMY

JUST LIKE HE HAS TO DO SOME
THINKING EVERY PLACE ELSE.

I LOOK LIKE A PRETTY
RUGGED SOLDIER, HUH?

WELL, I AM.

THE ARMY'S HARDENED
ME UP PLENTY.

THE GRUELING WORK AND DISCIPLINE
HAVE TOUGHENED MY CHARACTER,

AND IF I DON'T GET A DATE
WITH THAT GIRL, BETSY,

I MET IN THE PX PRETTY SOON,

I'M GOING TO THROW MYSELF
ON MY BUNK AND BEAT THE PILLOW

WITH MY LITTLE FISTS
UNTIL THEY TURN RED.

BUT I'M NOT DISCOURAGED.

THERE'S ONE LESSON THE
ARMY'S REALLY TAUGHT ME

NEVER TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

- NO!

- I WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

- YOU JUST DID!
- BETSY, LISTEN.

- DOBIE, YOU SEEM
LIKE A VERY NICE BOY.

- OH, I AM, I AM.

DOGS STOP ME IN THE
STREET JUST TO LICK MY HAND.

- BUT THE ANSWER IS STILL NO!

I'VE MADE IT A POLICY

NOT TO DATE THE
SOLDIERS ON THIS POST.

- WELL, WHO'S A SOLDIER?
I'M JUST A DISPLACED CIVILIAN.

- NO!

- I'M PRACTICALLY A SECRET
WEAPON FOR THE RUSSIANS.

- NO!

- FELLAS, DO YOU MIND?

DO YOU MIND? EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

PLEASE, FELLA.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

LOOK, BETSY. SATURDAY NIGHT,

I GET MY FIRST DATE SINCE
I'VE BEEN IN THE ARMY,

AND UNLESS YOU GO OUT WITH ME,

I'LL FADE AWAY INTO A MERE
SHADOW OF A HUMAN BEING.

MY UNIFORM WILL
RUN AROUND SALUTING

AND DRILLING WITH
NOTHING INSIDE OF IT.

- YOU KNOW, YOU ARE CUTE.

- YOU ARE THE
MOON AND THE STARS.

- ALL RIGHT. I'LL MAKE A DEAL.

I WILL GO OUT WITH YOU
SATURDAY NIGHT ON ONE CONDITION.

- ANYTHING, MY ANGEL.

SHALL I CLIMB THE
HIGHEST MOUNTAIN,

SWIM THE DEEPEST OCEAN,

CROSS THE HOTTEST DESERT?

- NO, GET A DATE FOR
MY ROOMMATE, SUZIE.

- AH, BUT, OF COURSE, MY SWEET.

THERE'S 100 FELLAS IN MY OUTFIT

WHO WOULD HAPPILY FLING
THEMSELVES AT HER FEET.

- NOT SUZIE.
- THEY'LL WINE HER, DINE HER

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?

- WELL, LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY,

SHE'S KIND, SHE'S
SWEET, SHE'S INTELLIGENT,

SHE'S SENSITIVE, SHE'S...

- THE CREATURE FROM
THE BLACK LAGOON?

- HERE'S A PICTURE OF HER.

- UH-HUH.

YEAH, WELL, WE
HAVE TILL SATURDAY.

COULDN'T WE RUSH HER
TO A PLASTIC SURGEON?

OH, COME ON, THOUGH, BETSY.

LET'S FORGET ABOUT HER.

- NO, A DATE FOR SUZIE OR
NO DATE FOR YOU, BUSTER.

JUST FACE UP TO IT.
- YEAH, I'M TRYING,

BUT THIS IS A PRETTY
ROUGH FACE TO FACE UP TO.

- WELL THEN, DROP
THE WHOLE THING.

- HEY. NO, BETSY, PLEASE,
PLEASE, THIS ISN'T FAIR.

THE FELLA WHO'D GO OUT WITH
HER WOULD HAVE TO BE CANDIDATE

FOR THE FUNNY FARM.

- YOU RANG?

- HI, MAYNARD, OLD PAL,

OLD FRIEND, OLD
BUDDY. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- LIKE, THANKS, DOBE.
IT'S HEART-WARMING

TO MY WARM HEART TO
KNOW THAT I'M WANTED.

- OH, YOU'RE WANTED
ALL RIGHT, MAYNARD.

BOY, ARE YOU WANTED.

- WELL, MY FOLKS DIDN'T WANT ME.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

- THEY WANTED A BABY.
- MAYNARD.

- FOR 12 YEARS, MY FATHER
KEPT SUING THE HOSPITAL.

- MAYNARD. MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- THEY WOULDN'T TAKE ME BACK.

- HE EVEN OFFERED TO TRADE
THEM EVEN FOR THE INCUBATOR.

- MAYNARD, ENOUGH!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, BETSY?

- A GIRL WITH SUZIE'S
LOOKS AND TRACK RECORD

IS IN NO POSITION TO BE CHOOSY.

- GREAT. MAYNARD,

YOU'RE NOT BUSY
SATURDAY NIGHT, ARE YOU?

- LIKE, YEAH. SO WHATEVER
YOU GOT ON YOUR MIND,

LIKE, FORGET IT.
- MAYNARD, MAYNARD.

THIS IS BETSY, AND
ON SATURDAY NIGHT,

WE'D LIKE YOU TO GO OUT
WITH HER ROOMMATE, SUZIE.

- IS SHE A GIRL?
- THAT'S OPEN TO DEBATE.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
- DOES SHE LOOK LIKE YOU?

- WELL...
- THEY'RE PRACTICALLY TWINS.

- HMM, THEN, LIKE, THANKS
BUT, LIKE, NO THANKS.

I'M BOWING OUT.
- MAYNARD!

- I MEAN, CHICKS
ARE TROUBLESVILLE.

THEY TAKE ALL THE
GOOD SEATS ON THE BUS,

THEY WON'T LET ME
KISS THEM GOODNIGHT,

AND THEY GIGGLE ABOUT ME
IN THE GIRLS' POWDER ROOM.

- GIRLS DO THAT TO YOU?
- ONLY THE GOOD LOOKING ONES.

THE OTHER ONES LIKE ME FINE.

- OH?

MAYNARD, THIS IS
BETSY'S ROOMMATE.

[WHISTLES]

- MAN, SPOOKY!
- UH-HUH.

- MAN, THEY DON'T MAKE,

LIKE, CHICKS LIKE THIS
ANYMORE, DO THEY?

- BOY, NOBODY'D EVER TRY
TO STEAL HER AWAY FROM ME.

- NO.
- AND SHE, LIKE,

YOU SURE THIS AIN'T
TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY?

- NO, BELIEVE ME.

THAT'S THE REAL SUZIE,

EVERY EXCESSIVE INCH OF HER.
- LIKE, WOW!

- THEN YOU'LL TAKE HER OUT?
- YEAH,

FOR YOU AND THIS MISERABLE
LOOKING DOLL, I'LL DO IT.

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE ALL HEART.

- AND SHE'S ALL CHIN.
- YEAH.

WELL, WELL, BETSY,
HAVE WE GOT A DATE?

- WE'VE GOT A DATE.

- OH, BOY, AT LAST.

- YOU SURE THIS SUZIE WILL
WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME?

- NO OFFENSE, MAYNARD,

BUT ALL SHE'LL WANT TO
KNOW IS ARE YOU ALIVE.

- WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO TELL HER?

- WHO SAID LIFE IN THE
ARMY'S COLD AND LONELY?

WHO SAID IT WAS
SOLITARY AND DESOLATE?

MEN WITHOUT WOMEN,
ME, BUT THAT WAS BLB,

BEFORE LOVELY BETSY,

AND THAT TURNED ME INTO A VHS

VERY HAPPY SOLDIER.

WE ALWAYS USE
INITIALS IN THE ARMY.

AND NOW THAT I'VE
ESTABLISHED THIS VIP BEACHHEAD,

NOTHING'S GOING TO STOP ME

FROM KEEPING THAT
DATE WITH BETSY, NOTHING.

- I'VE JUST BEEN STOPPED.

- LIKE, IT SAYS OVER THERE
ON THE BULLETIN BOARD?

- YEAH, TRAINEES ARE
ELIGIBLE FOR OVERNIGHT PASSES

ONLY IF THEY PASS THE
MILITARY FITNESS TEST.

WOW.

- YEAH. LIKE, WOW. THAT SOUNDS,

LIKE, REAL FASCINATING.
WHAT'S IT MEAN?

- IT MEANS THAT IN EXCHANGE

FOR FREE ROOM AND
BOARD AND CLOTHING,

THE ARMY EXPECTS US TO
LEARN HOW TO BE SOLDIERS.

- YEAH, I KNEW THERE WAS A
CATCH IN THERE SOME PLACE.

- LET'S SEE HOW WE'RE
DOING ON THE TEST SO FAR.

- HEY, DOBE! YOU'RE
IN THIRD PLACE!

LIKE, CONGRATULATIONS,
GOOD BUDDY!

- DON'T FIND ME. LET'S FIND YOU.

- DO WE HAVE TO?

- MAYNARD, YOU'RE 104th.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS?

- LIKE, EASY, 104
FELLAS IS ALL WE GOT.

- MAYNARD, IF YOU DON'T
GET THROUGH THESE TESTS,

YOU DON'T GET A PASS,

AND IF YOU DON'T GET A
PASS, I DON'T GET A DATE.

- HEY, DOBE. I GOT AN IDEA.
- WHAT?

- A SMASHING IDEA.
- WHAT? WHAT?

- LET'S DESERT.

- NO, MAYNARD.

- WELL, TAKE IT EASY, DOBE.

MAYNARD G. KREBS
WILL PULL US THROUGH.

THERE'S ONLY TWO TESTS LEFT

PERSONAL INSPECTION
AND MARKSMANSHIP,

AND WHEN IT COMES TO
PERSONAL INSPECTION,

WELL...
- WELL?

- WELL, I HAVE TO TAKE MY
CHANCES ON MARKSMANSHIP.

- MAYNARD, WHEN WE GO OUT
IN THAT RIFLE RANGE TODAY,

YOU'VE GOT TO SHOOT LIKE
YOU'VE NEVER SHOT BEFORE.

- I ALWAYS SHOOT LIKE
I NEVER SHOT BEFORE.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I
NEVER HIT NOTHING.

- FROM NOW ON,

THINGS ARE GOING
TO BE DIFFERENT.

- YOU MEAN WHEN I
SHOOT, YOU'RE GOING TO BE,

LIKE, RIGHT BEHIND ME?
- RIGHT.

- AND KEEP SCORE FOR ME?
- RIGHT.

- AND GIVE ME A
LOT OF BULLS-EYES?

- NO.
- AW, HECK.

- MAYNARD, WE ARE
NOT GOING TO FALSIFY.

WE'RE GOING TO,
SHALL WE SAY, ADJUST.

- SHALL WE SAY, A CHEAT.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, MAYNARD.
IT MEANS CHEAT. LET'S FORGET IT.

- YEAH, WE'RE NOT THE KIND
OF FELLAS THAT, LIKE, CHEAT.

- I KNOW. IT'S SHABBY
AND DECEITFUL.

- AND LOW AND SNEAKY.

- SORDID AND DISGUSTING.

- AND MEAN AND ROTTEN.

- DISGRACEFUL AND CONTEMPTIBLE.

- HEY, DOBE?
- YEAH, MAYNARD?

- WHEN DO WE START?
- RIGHT AWAY.

- JUST THIS ONCE.
- YEAH.

- NEVER AGAIN, NEVER AGAIN.

- CAUSE IF WE DID IT ONE MORE
TIME, WE'D BE, LIKE, STINKERS.

- IF WE DID IT ONE MORE
TIME, WE'D BE, LIKE, CAUGHT.

OOH, YEAH.

- MEN,

I AM YOUR TRAIN FIRE OFFICER,
LIEUTENANT MERRIWEATHER,

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT THIS IS THE MOMENT

WHEN A SOLDIER FINDS OUT

IF HE CAN HANDLE THIS.
MAY I HAVE IT, SOLDIER?

- YOU CAN KEEP IT, LIEUTENANT. I
KNOW WHERE THERE'S LOTS MORE.

- QUIET, PRIVATE KREBS.

MEN, THIS IS THE BEST
FRIEND YOU'VE GOT

IN THE WORLD YOUR M1 RIFLE.

THE BACKBONE OF THIS MAN'S ARMY

IS THE G.I. IN THE FRONT LINES,
AIMING HIS RIFLE AT THE ENEMY.

REMEMBER VALLEY FORGE,
REMEMBER GETTYSBURG,

REMEMBER SAN JUAN HILL.

PRIVATE KREBS,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- REMEMBERING.

- MAYNARD!
- ALL RIGHT.

MEN IN THE FIRST
DETAIL, FIRING LINE,

SECOND DETAIL, SCORING STAND.

HEY, UP!

SO YOUR FIRST POSITION
WILL BE STANDING.

ASSUME THE POSITION
AND FIRE WHEN READY.

[GUNSHOTS]

- YOUR NEXT
POSITION IS KNEELING.

FIRE WHEN READY.

[GUNSHOTS]

- NOW, REMEMBER, MEN.

WE'RE OPERATING UNDER
THE HONOR SYSTEM.

- YEAH, WE SURE GOT THE SYSTEM.

- YOUR NEXT POSITION IS PRONE.

[GUNSHOTS]

- FIRE!

- GOTTA MOVE FASTER
IN THE PRONE, THOUGH.

[GUNSHOTS]

- OH, ALL BULLS-EYES
FOR KREBS, EH?

- YES, SIR.
- VERY GOOD.

- LIKE, NATURALLY. WATCH,
LIEUTENANT, THE HARD WAY.

- MAYNARD!

- THIS MARKSMANSHIP TEST
IS NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

EVERY SHOT COUNTS.

- LIKE, TRUE.

- YOUR LIFE AND THE LIFE
OF THE MAN NEXT TO YOU

MAY DEPEND ON YOUR
ACCURACY WITH A RIFLE.

VALLEY FORGE, GETTYSBURG,

SAN JUAN HILL, ALL
THESE BATTLES WERE WON

BECAUSE SOLDIERS DID
NOT SHIRK THEIR DUTY

BECAUSE EACH HAD LEARNED

TO FIRE HIS RIFLE.
- YES, SIR.

- AND SOME DAY, THE LIVES
OF MANY FINE MEN MAY DEPEND

ON WHAT YOU DO HERE TODAY.

- RIGHT, SIR.
- YOUR COUNTRY'S COUNTING

ON YOUR HONESTY, LOYALTY
AND DEVOTION TO DUTY.

- RIGHT, SIR.

- YOUR NEXT POSITION IS SITTING.

[GUNSHOTS]

- ANOTHER BULLS-EYE, HUH, DOBE?

- NOW, YOUR COUNTRY IS COUNTING
ON YOUR HONESTY, YOUR LOYALTY

AND YOUR DEVOTION TO DUTY.

VALLEY FORGE, GETTYSBURG,

SAN JUAN HILL, ALL
THESE BATTLES WERE WON

BECAUSE SOLDIERS DID
NOT SHIRK THEIR DUTY

BECAUSE EACH HAVE
LEARNED TO FIRE HIS RIFLE.

SOME DAY, THE LIVES
OF MANY FINE MEN

MAY DEPEND ON WHAT
YOU DO HERE TODAY.

- HEY, DOBE, I'M TALKING TO
YOU. ANOTHER BULLS-EYE, HUH?

- NO, MAYNARD. YOU MISSED
THE TARGET COMPLETELY

- OH, BOY! ALL BULLS-EYES, HUH?

- ALL CLEAN MISSES, SOLDIER.
- OH, DOBE, YOU'RE JOSHING.

HEY, THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE DOING, JOSHING.

- A GOOD SOLDIER DOES NOT
JOSH ABOUT SUCH MATTERS.

- GOOD BUDDY, THIS IS
ME YOU'RE TALKING TO,

MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- PRIVATE MAYNARD G. KREBS,

SOLDIER IN THE
UNITED STATES ARMY,

AND I WILL GRADE YOUR
ATROCIOUS MARKSMANSHIP

AS IT DESERVES TO THE GRADED.

- WHAT ABOUT BETSY?
- WHAT ABOUT VALLEY FORGE?

- WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY NIGHT?
- WHAT ABOUT GETTYSBURG?

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT...
- AND DON'T FORGET

SAN JUAN HILL, YOU GOLD BRICK.

- YOU GOT WEAK OR SOMETHING?

- IT'S FOR YOUR OWN
GOOD, YOU GREAT FOOL.

- OH, DOBE, YOU AIN'T WELL.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- ONLY MY DUTY,
SOLDIER, ONLY MY DUTY.

ALL RIGHT. YOU NAME IT,

AND THAT'S WHAT I AM
A RAT, A CAD, A HEEL,

A GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, A...

- BACKSLIDER, AN INDIAN GIVER,

A SNEAKY SNEAK!

- BETSY, CALM DOWN, PLEASE.

I'LL GET YOUR
ROOMMATE ANOTHER DATE.

- NO!
- I'LL FIND A FELLA

WITH BAD EYESIGHT.
- NO!

- I'LL STEAL HIS GLASSES.

- SUZIE WILL ONLY
SETTLE FOR MAYNARD.

SHE SAYS HE SOUNDS CUTE.

- BETSY, IF THERE'S ONE
THING MAYNARD ISN'T, IT'S CUTE.

IN FACT, HE'S WEIRD.
- SOME LOYALTY!

I THOUGHT HE WAS
YOUR BEST FRIEND.

- HE IS. I JUST HAPPEN
TO DIG WEIRDITY.

COME ON, BETSY, LET'S
FORGET ABOUT SUZIE.

- NO MAYNARD, NO DATE.

- LISTEN, BETSY.

- NO SOAP AND GOODBYE, TRAITOR.

- HELLO, TRAITOR.

- MAYNARD.
- DOUBLE-CROSSER.

- MAYNARD.
- ARNOLD BENEDICT.

- MAYNARD, THAT'S
BENEDICT ARNOLD.

YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.
- BETRAYER.

- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
- WILTON WORMSBY.

- WILTON WORMSBY?

- HE RODE THE BOAT
FOR ARNOLD BENEDICT.

I READ ALL ABOUT HIM IN A BOOK

CALLED THE HISTORY OF
LOW-DOWN, RAT-FINK TRAITORS.

- BELIEVE ME, MAYNARD.

I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE MAD.

- YOU ONLY, LIKE, RUINED
MY LIFE. THAT'S ALL.

YOU ROBBED ME OF THE
ONLY CHICK I CAN GO WIG FOR.

- YOU NEVER EVEN MET HER.
- LIKE, FAREWELL, SUZIE.

LIKE, ADIEU, MY
DEARLY BELOVED SPOOK.

- MAYNARD FELLAS,
DO YOU MIND, PLEASE?

DO YOU MIND?

LOOK, PLEASE FIND IT IN YOUR
HEART TO FORGIVE ME, MAYNARD.

I DID WHAT I DID FOR THE NOBLEST

OF ALL HUMAN MOTIVES PATRIOTISM,

LOVE OF MY COUNTRY.

YOU HEARD WHAT
THE LIEUTENANT SAID.

THE BACKBONE OF THIS
MAN'S ARMY IS THE G.I.

POINTING HIS RIFLE AT THE ENEMY.

REMEMBER VALLEY FORGE,
REMEMBER GETTYSBURG,

REMEMBER SAN JUAN HILL?

- I WOULDN'T MIND
VISITING THEM PLACES,

BUT I WOULDN'T
WANT TO LIVE THERE.

- THOSE BATTLES WERE WON

BY AMERICAN BOYS WHO
KNEW HOW TO SHOOT-STRAIGHT.

THAT'S WHY I HAD TO DO
WHAT I DID ON THE RIFLE RANGE.

- YOU MEAN ON ACCOUNT
OF THIS PATRIOTISM JAZZ,

YOU'RE DUMPING BETSY?

- I COULD NOT LOVE
HER HALF SO MUCH

LOVED I NOT HONOR MORE.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, A REAL
HUMAN BEING, DOBE.

- BUT WE'RE NOT
LICKED YET, SOLDIER.

- YEAH, WE'RE NOT
LICKED YET, SOLDIER.

WE'RE NOT?
- WE'RE NOT.

WE CAN STILL KEEP THE DATE

IF YOU PASS THAT SATURDAY
MORNING INSPECTION.

- DOBE.
- YOUR BUNK

WILL BE SPIC AND SPAN.
- DOBE.

- NEAT AND TRIM AND TIDY.
- DOBE.

- BRIGHT AS A PENNY,
CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.

- DOBE.
- WHAT IS IT, MAYNARD?

- THIS IS MAYNARD G. KREBS.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MY BUNK?

- MAYNARD, HOW DO YOU
GET YOUR BUNK SO MESSY?

- I STAY UP LATE AT
NIGHT. NO, DOBE, I... TIMBER!

OH, NO, DON'T, NOT
MY FOOT LOCKER.

YOU DON'T HAVE MY...

I GET LONESOME.

- MAYNARD, I'VE GOT
TO CLEAN UP THIS PLACE.

IT'S GOT TO BE DONE

BECAUSE NOTHING'S
GOING TO STOP ME

FROM SEEING
BETSY. IT'S A BIG JOB,

BUT I'LL WORK LIKE A BULLDOZER.

- YOU'RE ALL HEART, DOBE,

EXCEPT FOR THE PART
OF YOU THAT'S BULLDOZER.

DOBE, NO. DON'T MAKE
ME GET RID OF HIM.

HE'S JUST LIKE THE
BUNNY IN MY STORY.

- YOUR ATTENTION,
MEN, YOUR ATTENTION.

YOUR FIRST WEEKLY INSPECTION

WILL BEAT 0900, MAKE
SURE YOUR CLOTHES,

BUNK AND LOCKER ARE
IN THE PROPER ORDER.

THAT IS ALL.

- THAT'S RIGHT CUTE, FRIEND.

- PLEASE, PRIVATE
SPROUSE - HOW DO, FRIEND?

- NEVER MIND THAT. YOU'RE
IN THE ARMY NOW, SOLDIER.

USE THE PROPER FORM OF ADDRESS.

- OH, FRIEND LIEUTENANT,

I WENT AND FOUND PRIVATE
GILLIS JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME.

- OH, GOOD WORK.
SEND THE FINE LAD IN.

- OH, SURE ENOUGH,
NEIGHBOR. GILLIS!

- PRIVATE GILLIS
REPORTING AS ORDERED, SIR.

- AT EASE, PRIVATE.

GILLIS, I'VE HAD MY EYE ON YOU.

YOU'RE A SOLDIER.

I'LL WAGER YOUR
MILITARY QUALITIES

RUN IN THE FAMILY,
EH, WHAT, SOLDIER?

- WELL, I DON'T
LIKE TO BRAG, SIR,

BUT IN THE WAR,
THE BIG WAR, WWII,

MY DAD WAS A FIRST SERGEANT
WITH A GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL.

- AH, I KNEW IT!
- YES.

- WELL, WHEN YOU
NEXT WRITE TO DAD,

GILLIS, YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE
ON YOUR WAY TO UP THE LADDER.

- SIR, YOU MEAN...
- RIGHT, I'M APPOINTING YOU...

NOW, HOLD ONTO
YOUR INSIGNIA, MAN

I'M APPOINTING YOU ACTING
CORPORAL OF YOUR SQUAD.

- ACTING CORPORAL?

YOU MEAN THE LEADER
MAN OF ALL US BOYS?

- RIGHT.
- ACTING CORPORAL?

- RIGHT, TEMPORARILY IN
CHARGE OF YOUR ENTIRE SQUAD.

- OH, THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- AND YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT
WILL BE TO CONDUCT

THE INSPECTION OF YOUR
BARRACKS TOMORROW.

DISMISSED.

- YES, SIR.

SIR, YOU MEAN YOU WANT
ME TO INSPECT THE FELLAS

IN MY OWN BARRACKS,
FLUNK WHOEVER I WANT,

PASS WHOEVER I WANT?

- RIGHT. WHEN I FIND A
GOOD MAN ON MY TEAM, GILLIS,

I LET HIM CATCH THE PUNT

AND RUN WITH THE BALL.

- AH, THAT'S WHAT
IT'LL BE, SIR, A BALL

I MEAN, YES, SIR, THANK
YOU, SIR, THANK YOU, YES.

- OH, REMEMBER, THE RANK
MEANS RESPONSIBILITY.

I'M COUNTING ON YOU TO
DO WHAT SHOULD BE DONE.

- OH, I WILL, SIR, I WILL, YEAH,

HEAVENS TO BETSY,
I WILL, SIR, YES.

- HOW DO I LOOK, DOBE?
LIKE PRETTY MILITARY, HUH?

- MAYNARD, ONE LOOK AT YOU,
AND THE ENEMY WOULD SURRENDER.

- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- NO.

- ME, NEITHER.
- DON'T WORRY, MAYNARD.

EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.

- WHAT?

- MAYNARD, I'M MAKING
THE INSPECTION.

UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?

- YEAH, IT MEANS YOU'RE
GOING TO CHEAT AND...

- MAYNARD!
- FALSIFY.

- THAT'S ADJUST.
- YEAH, ADJUST THE SCORE

ON THE INSPECTION, SO I PASS.
- RIGHT.

- LIKE, RIGHT.
- LIKE, WOW.

- LIKE, WAIT.
- WAIT?

- YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
COME ALL UNGLUED AGAIN, DOBE?

- MAYNARD.
- I MEAN, ON THE RIFLE RANGE,

YOU CAN UNGLUED, I MEAN,

ALL ABOUT SAN JUAN HILL AND
GETTYSBURG AND ALL THAT CRAP.

- THAT WAS ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT, MAYNARD.

LEARNING TO FIRE A RIFLE IS
A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.

THIS IS JUST A
BARRACKS INSPECTION.

- YEAH, RAISE YOUR
HAND AND PROMISE.

- MAYNARD, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO LOSE A WAR

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T MAKE YOUR
BED OR YOUR FOOT LOCKER'S SLOPPY.

- YEAH, GOOD THINKING,
DOBE. GREAT THINKING.

- THANK YOU, MAYNARD.
- GOOD, GREAT SLOPPY THINKING.

- LINE UP BY YOUR BUNKS.

ACTING CORPORALS,
BEGIN THE INSPECTION.

- THIS IS IT, MAYNARD.
- THAT'S WHAT IT IS IT, YEAH.

- THOSE BLANKETS
SHOULD BE TIDIER, SOLDIER,

AND THOSE CORNERS
COULD BE TRIMMER,

BUT SINCE YOU'RE
NEW IN THE ARMY,

AND YOU TRIED HARD, NO GIGS.

- I HAVE A WORD FOR YOU MEN WHO
ARE CONDUCTING THE INSPECTION.

YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR
TURNING A ROUTINE EXERCISE

INTO A VALUABLE
LIFE-SAVING LESSON.

THE SOLDIER WHO'S CARELESS

IN INSPECTION IS THE
SOLDIER WHO WILL BE CARELESS

WHEN THE CHIPS ARE
DOWN ON THE BATTLEFIELD.

THE SOLDIER WHO MAKES
HIS BED IMPROPERLY

IS THE SOLDIER WHO WILL
LOAD HIS RIFLE IMPROPERLY.

- HEY, DOBE. YOU'RE GETTING
THAT LOOK IN YOUR EYE AGAIN.

DON'T GO WIG AGAIN. I
MEAN, SNAP OUT OF IT.

LIKE, FORGET VALLEY FORGE.

- A SLOPPY BUNK MEANS AN
UNRELIABLE FIGHTING MAN.

THE TRAINING FOR BATTLE
BEGINS IN THE BARRACKS.

REMEMBER VALLEY FORGE,

GETTYSBURG, SAN JUAN HILL.

- PRIVATE QUIMBY,
FOR THAT MISERABLE,

SLOPPY BLANKET,
THREE GIGS - OOH.

- FOR THOSE MESSY
CORNERS, ANOTHER TWO GIGS.

- OOH, THAT'S SMART. OH.

- OUR COUNTRY'S
WARS WERE WON BY MEN

WHO NEVER NEGLECTED DETAILS.

THE SOLDIER WHO FORGETS
TO BUTTON HIS SHIRT

IS THE SOLDIER WHO WILL
FORGET HIS AMMUNITION,

AND THE SOLDIER WHO
DOESN'T SHINE HIS SHOES

IS THE SOLDIER WHO WILL
FORGET TO OIL HIS MACHINE GUN.

- RIGHT.

- HOW DO, FRIEND?
- STAND AT EASE, SOLDIER.

NOW, ABOUT YOUR UNIFORM...
- IT'S REAL PRETTY, AIN'T IT?

- PRIVATE SPROUSE,

FOR THE ATROCIOUS CONDITION
OF YOUR UNIFORM, FOUR GIGS.

- BUT, FRIEND, I...
- TALKING BACK, TWO GIGS.

THE DUSTY SHOES,
ANOTHER THREE GIGS.

- AIN'T THAT SOMETHING?

- THE DEMERITS YOU GIVE

ON THIS PEACEFUL MORNING MAY
SOME DAY SAVE A COMRADE'S LIFE.

REMEMBER VALLEY FORGE,
GETTYSBURG, SAN JUAN HILL.

- DON'T DO IT AGAIN,
DOBE. NO, DOBE? DOBE.

YOU DIDN'T MEAN WHAT YOU
SAID TO OLD T.J., DID YOU, HUH?

- GET BACK TO
YOUR BUNK, SOLDIER.

- DOBE, IT'S ME, YOUR OLD
SCHOOLMATE, MAYNARD G. KREBS.

- TWO GIGS FOR INSUBORDINATION.

- OH, DOBE. YOU'RE
FLIPPING AGAIN!

- ISN'T TWO GIGS ENOUGH?

- YES, YOUR HONOR.

- STAND AT EASE, PRIVATE COBBER.

UNIFORM LOOKS
PASSABLE, BED LOOKS G.I.

PRIVATE COBBER, THIS
FOOT LOCKER'S DISGRACEFUL

SOCKS NOT FOLDED
PROPERLY, DUST IN THE LID,

SHIRTS IN THE WRONG
CORNER A TOTAL OF SEVEN GIGS,

PRIVATE COBBER, INEXCUSABLE.

REMEMBER, THIS
COUNTRY'S WARS WERE WON

BY MEN WHO NEVER
NEGLECTED DETAILS.

A SOLDIER WITH A
DIRTY FOOT LOCKER

IS A SOLDIER WITH A DIRTY RIFLE.

- YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR
FELLOW SOLDIERS A FAVOR

BY BEING EASY ON THEM.

WHAT YOUR BUDDY LEARNS
NOW MAY SOME DAY SAVE HIS LIFE.

BE FIRM, BE TOUGH.

SOME DAY, YOUR BUDDY
WILL THANK YOU FOR IT.

- PRIVATE KREBS.

DON'T DO IT! YOU'LL HATE
YOURSELF SATURDAY NIGHT.

- FOR THE PATHETIC CONDITION
OF YOUR UNIFORM, SIX GIGS.

- AND YOU CALL
YOURSELF A SOLDIER.

- NO, I DON'T, ONLY
MY DRAFT BOARD...

- NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!

WHAT ABOUT THIS DUST?
- WHAT ABOUT BETSY?

- WHAT ABOUT THIS FOOT LOCKER?
- WHAT ABOUT VALLEY FORGE?

- WHAT ABOUT GOING
TO TOWN AND TRIPPING

THE WALTZ AND THE FOX TROT?
- WHAT ABOUT GETTYSBURG?

- OH, DOBE, YOU'RE SICK. I
MEAN, LIKE, YOU NEED HELP.

- AND DON'T FORGET
SAN JUAN HILL.

- OH, I'M, LIKE, DOOMED,
DOOMED, DOOMED, DOOMED.

- OH, YOU POOR, DEAR FOOL.

SOME DAY, YOU'LL
REALIZE I'M ONLY DOING THIS

FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

DIRT UNDER THE
MATTRESS, FOUR GI...

HALF A HAMBURGER, FIVE GIGS.

- TEN-HUT!

- OH!

- EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL
HERE, ACTING CORPORAL GILLIS?

- EVERYTHING EXCEPT THIS
MAN, SIR, KREBS, MAYNARD G.

- HMM, WELL, YOU'VE BEEN
MIGHTY ROUGH ON HIM.

- JUST DOING MY DUTY, SIR.

- NOW, TELL ME, ISN'T THIS KREBS
A PERSONAL FRIEND OF YOURS?

- YES, SIR, BUT TO
QUOTE THE LIEUTENANT,

RANK MEANS RESPONSIBILITY.

- WELL-SPOKEN, SOLDIER,

BUT RANK MUST LEARN TO
TEMPER JUSTICE WITH MERCY.

- BUT, SIR...
- NO TALKING IN RANKS, SOLDIER.

NOW, THIS MAN HAS HAD A
VERY ROUGH FOUR WEEKS.

- OH, THEY'VE BEEN,
LIKE, MISERABLE.

- HE'S OBVIOUSLY DONE HIS BEST.
- MY MISERABLE BEST.

- SO I THINK WE'LL FORGET
THE DEMERITS THIS TIME

AND GIVE HIM ONE MORE CHANCE.

- YOU MEAN, I, LIKE, PASS?

- FOR THE TIME BEING, YES.

I THINK IT MIGHT BE A GOOD
IDEA FOR YOU TO GET AWAY

FROM THE POST FOR A FEW HOURS.

- THAT IS MY DEAREST WISH.

- BUT, SIR...
- TALKING AGAIN, HUH?

PRIVATE GILLIS,
I'M PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'VE BEEN A BIT
OVEREAGER, PERHAPS,

BUT I KNOW YOU'VE DONE
THIS TO YOUR BEST FRIEND

THE BETTER TO PREPARE
HIM FOR THE BATTLE.

- THAT'S TRUE, SIR.

- AND, PRIVATE
KREBS, BE GRATEFUL.

FRIENDS LIKE THIS
ARE HARD TO FIND.

- NOT FOR ME.

- HALT, Y'ALL FRIEND OR FOE?

- PRIVATE SPROUSE.

- OH, HOW DO, FRIEND?

- PRIVATE SPROUSE,

DO YOU KNOW THE
FIRST GENERAL ORDER

OF A SENTRY ON DUTY?

- WELL...
- WELL, NO.

WELL, LET'S BE FAIR ABOUT
THIS, FRIEND LIEUTENANT.

ME AND MY BUDDIES HAVE JUST
BEEN IN THE ARMY FOR A SHORT SPELL,

AND I MEAN, YOU CAN'T EXPECT US

TO KNOW ALL THEM
GENERAL ORDERS AND SUCH

IN SUCH A ITTY-BITTY
TIME NOW, CAN YOU?

- YOU KNOW, I THINK I CAN.

- OH, I THINK YOU'RE FOOLIN'
ME, FRIEND LIEUTENANT.

NOBODY COULD KNOW ALL THAT STUFF

EXCEPT SOME COTTON-PICKING
MILITARY GENIUS.

- HE MIGHT JUST BE.

PRIVATE SPROUSE, REPORT TO
THE CORPORAL OF THE GUARD.

TELL HIM YOU'RE BEING
RELIEVED OF DUTY.

- BY WHO?

- BY A COTTON-PICKING
MILITARY GENIUS.

- HEY, DOBE, LIKE PSST.
- BEAT IT, MAYNARD.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO
ANYBODY WHEN I'M ON SENTRY DUTY.

- I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU,
I GOT OUT OF CAMP OKAY.

- SWELL, MAYNARD, SWELL.

- SUZIE WAS WAITING FOR
ME RIGHT OUTSIDE THE GATE.

HEY, MAN, SHE'S MORE FUN
THAN A BARREL OF MONKEYS.

- GOOD, GOOD.
- SHE EVEN LOOKS

LIKE A BARREL OF MONKEYS.
- MAYNARD!

- OH, MAN, WHAT A SPOOK!

- I'M SURE THE TWO OF
YOU WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

- YEAH, I WANTED TO TELL
YOU YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT STANDING UP BETSY.
I GOT HER, LIKE, A DATE.

- LIKE A DATE?

- HI, DOBIE.

- LIKE, TOP OF THE
EVENING, FRIEND.

- BETSY!
- BYE.

- T.J., MAYNARD!

- MAYNARD. MAYNARD

MAYNARD, WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN? IT'S AFTER THREE O'CLOCK.

- MAN, WHAT A NIGHT. FIRST,
WE WENT TO THE MOVIES.

- NEVER MIND THAT. HOW DID
BETSY AND T.J. GET ALONG?

- OH, YOU GOT NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT, DOBE.

I DON'T THINK THEY LIKE
EACH OTHER TOO GOOD.

- GREAT. HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- I THINK ALL THROUGH THE
MOVIE, SHE WANTED TO HIT HIM.

- REALLY?

- YEAH, SO HE KEPT HOLDING
HER HAND, SO SHE COULDN'T DO IT.

- MAYNARD.

- MAN, HOW BORED THEY
GOT WITH EACH OTHER.

- YEAH, BY THE END
OF THE PICTURE,

HE WAS SOUND ASLEEP WITH
HIS HEAD ON HER SHOULDER.

- AND SHE KEPT
TRYING TO WAKE HIM.

- TRYING TO WAKE HIM.
- SHE KEPT KISSING HIM,

BUT HE WOULDN'T WAKE UP.

NO, HE JUST KEPT SLEEPING.
- GOODNIGHT, MAYNARD.

- YOU OUGHT TO SEE
THE PICTURE, DOBE.

"IT'S THE MONSTER THAT
DEVOURED CLEVELAND."

HEY, DOBE? DOBE?
GOODNIGHT, DOBE.

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪