The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959–1963): Season 1, Episode 37 - Here Comes the Groom - full transcript

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪



♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ DOBIE! ♪

- I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT RADAR AND LOVE

ON WHICH I AM A GREAT EXPERT.

WELL, IN LOVE
THAT IS, NOT RADAR.

ALL I KNOW ABOUT RADAR IS
THAT YOU SEND OUT IMPULSES

AND THEY BOUNCE OFF SOMETHING
AND THEY COME RIGHT BACK.

LOVE IS DIFFERENT,
FOR ME ANYHOW.

I KEEP SENDING OUT IMPULSES
BUT WHAT DO I GET BACK?

- DOBIE GILLIS,

I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU
AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.

- DOBIE GILLIS, I CAN GO
OUT WITH THE CAPTAIN

OF THE FOOTBALL
TEAM. WHO NEEDS YOU?



- DOBIE GILLIS, IF YOU
DON'T STOP PESTERING ME

I'LL CALL THE POLICE.

- AND THERE'S MORE, LOTS MORE.

I'VE GOT A LIST HERE
OF ALL THE GIRLS

WHO DUMPED ME IN
THE LAST 12 MONTHS.

I'VE BEEN DUMPED BY GIRLS

OF EVERY SIZE, KIND,
SHAPE AND DESCRIPTION.

TALL GIRLS, SHORT
GIRLS, THIN GIRLS,

FAT GIRLS, BLONDES,
BRUNETTES, REDHEADS,

ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT GIRLS.

THEY ONLY HAD ONE
THING IN COMMON,

THEY DIDN'T WANT ME.

WELL, A MAN ISN'T MADE OF IRON.
I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS.

GETTING REJECTED BY
ONE GIRL AFTER ANOTHER,

IT'S BREAKING MY HEART.
IT'S SHRIVELING MY SOUL.

MY CONDITION'S DESPERATE.

DESPERATE CONDITIONS
REQUIRE DESPERATE SOLUTIONS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY I CAN
SALVAGE THE WRECKAGE OF MY LIFE,

ONLY ONE WAY.
BOY, IS IT DESPERATE.

- MARRIED?

YOU'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED?

- THAT'S RIGHT, MOM.
I'M GONNA GET MARRIED.

- YOU ARE GONNA GET FRACTURED,
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.

- JUST A MINUTE, HERBERT.
OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING

IS TROUBLING THE BOY DEEPLY.

- SOMETHING IS
TROUBLING ME DEEPLY.

HERE I GOT A KID WHO
WON'T WORK, WON'T STUDY

AND AT 17 YEARS OF AGE

STILL HAS TROUBLE DRESSING
HIMSELF IN THE MORNING.

NOW HE COMES IN AND
CALMLY ANNOUNCES,

"I AM GOING TO GET MARRIED."

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA LIVE
ON? ROOTS AND BERRIES?

- LOVE WILL FIND A WAY.
- LOVE WILL FIND A WAY

TO THE COUNTY POOR
FARM, THAT'S WHERE.

NOW YOU STOP THIS IDIOTIC...
- HERBERT,

YOUR SON IS IN TROUBLE. NOW
WILL YOU HUSH UP AND LISTEN?

WHAT IS IT, DEAR?

- I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT
IS. I NEED TO BE LOVED.

- WHY, DARLING, I HAVE
LOVED YOU FOR 17 YEARS!

- I KNOW, MOM,
AND I APPRECIATE IT.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE TO
LOVE ME. I'M YOUR SON.

WHAT I WANT IS SOMEBODY TO
LOVE ME WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO.

- THAT IS A TALL ORDER, BOY.

- WHY, DOBIE,
EVERYBODY LOVES YOU.

YOU'RE SO LOVABLE.

- I'M ALSO SO BROKE.

I NEED MONEY TO GET GIRLS
AND WHERE AM I GONNA GET IT?

- HERBERT, GIVE THE BOY $10.

- I'LL GIVE HIM A 10-SECOND
HEAD START AND THEN I'M GONNA...

- DO AS I SAY.
- DO AS YOU SAY.

- THANKS A LOT, MOM,
BUT IT WON'T HELP.

WHAT IF DAD DID GIVE ME $10?

I MEAN, IT'S A
FARFETCHED NOTION,

BUT, WELL, SAY HE DID FOR
THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT.

- JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT.

- WELL, WHEN THE $10 IS
GONE I'LL HAVE TO COME TO DAD

FOR ANOTHER $10 AND
ANOTHER AND ANOTHER.

FACE IT, MOM, IT CAN'T BE DONE.

- YOU HAVE A POINT, SON.
- YOU HAVE A VERY POINTY POINT.

- SO I GET DUMPED
BY ANOTHER GIRL,

ANOTHER SCAR ON MY
POOR, BLEEDING PSYCHE,

ANOTHER PIECE OF MY
SECURITY WASHED AWAY.

- OH, MY POOR BABY.

- I CAN'T GO ON ANYMORE.

I CAN'T CONTINUE THIS
MAD, FRUITLESS CHASE,

THIS ENDLESS TARANTELLA.

- TARANTELLA?

WHAT'S SPIDERS GOT TO
DO WITH THIS CONVERSATION?

- DAD, THAT'S TARANTULA.

- DEAR, THE
TARANTELLA'S A DANCE.

- YEAH.
- NEVER HEARD OF IT.

- OH, OF COURSE YOU DID.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT
SUMMER WE WERE COURTING?

THAT NIGHT IN THE
DREAMLAND BALLROOM

WHY, WE DID THE
TARANTELLA ALL NIGHT.

[ SINGS ]

- OH, YEAH.

- SWELL, I'M DYING OF A BROKEN
HEART AND THEY'RE DANCING.

- OH, DARLING, I'M
SORRY. YOU WERE SAYING?

- I WAS SAYING I
CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS.

I NEED ONE GIRL

TO HAVE AND HOLD
AND CHERISH AND HONOR

AND SOOTHE MY FEVERED BROW.

I NEED A SNUG HARBOR.
I NEED TO GET MARRIED.

- NOW YOU LISTEN, BOY.

- YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, DEAR, GET MARRIED.

YOU HAVE OUR BLESSING.

- WINIFRED!
- HUSH UP.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,
DEAR, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER
ARE BEHIND YOU 100%.

- OH, THANKS, MOM.
YOU'RE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

AND DAD, IN THE FULLNESS
OF TIME I'M NOT SURE

BUT I THINK WE CAN BE FRIENDS.

- I GOTTA KILL THAT
BOY, I JUST GOTTA.

AND I MAY THROW IN HIS
MOTHER FOR GOOD MEASURE.

GET MARRIED, DOBIE.
YOU HAVE OUR BLESSING.

- HERBERT, THE LONGER
YOU ARE A PARENT

THE LESS YOU
UNDERSTAND CHILDREN.

- THE LESS I UNDERSTAND WIVES,

I'LL GRANT YOU THAT,
ESPECIALLY MINE.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR
MIND OR SOMETHING?

HOW'S THAT KID
GONNA SUPPORT A WIFE?

- THERE'LL BE NO WIFE
AND JUST YOU CALM DOWN.

DOBIE'S GOING THROUGH
A DIFFICULT TIME

AND THE LEAST WE CAN DO
IS NOT ADD TO HIS BURDENS.

- AND YOU HAVE BEEN READING
THOSE WOMEN'S MAGAZINES AGAIN.

- USE YOUR HEAD, THIS
MARRIAGE BUSINESS,

WHY, IT'S JUST A PASSING
FANCY. LET IT PASS.

- AND IN PASSING SUPPOSING HE
FINDS A GIRL WHO'LL MARRY HIM?

- LIKE WHO?
- LIKE, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

- AND IF HE DID, DO YOU
SUPPOSE HER PARENTS

WOULD GIVE THEIR CONSENT?

- NOT IF THEY'RE LIVING.

- THEN WHY ANTAGONIZE
THE BOY OVER NOTHING?

- WINNIE, YOU GOT A GOOD
HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

- THANK YOU.

- AND INCIDENTALLY, YOU HAVE
A VERY NICE PAIR OF SHOULDERS.

- THANK YOU.
- SHALL WE DANCE?

- MARRIED?
- MAYNARD, CALM YOURSELF.

- DOBE, SAY IT AIN'T SO!

- NO, MAYNARD,
MY MIND'S MADE UP.

I'M GONNA GET MARRIED.
- MARRIED?

- YES, MARRIED.
- MARRIED?

- MAYNARD!
- WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GET...

I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.
- MARRIED.

- MARRIED?
- MARRIED!

- MAYNARD, PLEASE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE I'M GETTING
TORN TO PIECES.

I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS BEING
DUMPED BY GIRL AFTER GIRL.

- SO GET GIRLS.

I MEAN, THEY TAKE THE
BEST SEATS IN THE MOVIES,

THEY WON'T SIT ON THE FLOOR
ALL NIGHT AND LISTEN TO JAZZ

AND THEY GIGGLE ABOUT YOU
IN THE GIRLS' POWDER ROOM.

GIRLS, WHO NEEDS THEM?

- I NEED THEM. ONE GIRL ANYHOW,

ONE GIRL TO STROKE MY BROW
AND EASE MY TROUBLED HEART

AND GIVE ME COMFORT
AND TRANQUILITY AND PEACE.

AND THE ONLY WAY I'LL EVER HAVE
SUCH A GIRL IS TO GET MARRIED.

- AREN'T YOU GONNA SCREAM?
- NO, GOOD BUDDY.

- WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST
BEATING YOUR GUMS, POPS.

YOU AIN'T NEVER GONNA
FIND A GIRL TO HITCH UP TO.

- OH, YOU'RE WRONG,
MAYNARD. YOU'RE WRONG.

- NO OFFENSE, GOOD BUDDY,
BUT I'M RIGHT. WHO'LL HAVE YOU?

- OH, THERE'S ONE GIRL WHO'LL
HAVE ME, MAYNARD, ONE GIRL.

- HI, DOBIE DEAR HEART!

- ZELDA! IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE

I'VE ASKED YOU 1,000
TIMES, STOP THAT.

- WELL, I'M ONLY PROVING
THAT YOU LOVE ME.

I WRINKLE MY NOSE AT YOU
AND YOU WRINKLE BACK. SEE?

- ZELDA, THAT DOESN'T
PROVE A THING.

IT'S JUST A REFLEX

LIKE WHEN YOU HIT SOMEBODY'S
KNEE, THEIR LEG KICKS.

WELL, IT WORKS
WITH NORMAL PEOPLE.

NOTHING PERSONAL, MAYNARD.

NOW, ZELDA, I HAVE A
VERY SERIOUS MATTER

TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
- OH, DOBE, YOU CANT!

- MAYNARD, I CAN AND I
WILL AND YOU BUTT OUT.

- YEAH, BUTT OUT.

YOU CAN AND YOU
WILL WHAT, POOPSIE?

- ZELDA, ZELDA, NOW HOW
DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?

- I LOVE YOU. FOR YEARS
I'VE BEEN SHOUTING IT

FROM THE ROOFTOPS AND
PAINTING IT ON FENCES. I LOVE YOU.

- ZELDA, PLEASE! NOW, WOULD
YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED?

- MARRIED?
- WOULD I LIKE TO?

FOR YEARS IT'S BEEN MY
FONDEST HOPE, MY WILDEST DREAM.

OH, DOBIE, I'LL BE SUCH
A GOOD WIFE TO YOU.

I'LL COOK YOU NOURISHING
MEALS, I'LL PATCH YOUR CLOTHES,

I'LL FETCH YOUR SLIPPERS...
- A SIMPLE YES OR NO

WOULD HAVE DONE IT.
- I'LL SCRATCH YOUR BACK.

I'LL TRY TO MAKE MYSELF
BEAUTIFUL FOR YOU.

- BEAUTIFUL? ZELDA,

WITH THE BEST WILL IN THE WORLD

THERE ARE CERTAIN
THINGS PEOPLE CAN'T DO.

- I CAN TRY.
- WELL, YOU'RE SWEET.

- YOU ARE GOOD AND KIND AND
HONEST AND TRUE AND LOYAL

AND HANDSOME EXCEPT, OF
COURSE, FOR YOUR WEAK CHIN.

- CAREFUL, ZELDA,
THAT'S MY FATHER'S CHIN.

- YEAH, WHAT'S HE USING?

- WELL, DOBIE, WHAT'S
ALL THIS LEADING UP TO?

- JUST THIS, YOU AND I
ARE GONNA GET MARRIED.

- MARRIED?
- NOW CUT THAT OUT.

- OH, YOU'VE MADE ME
SO HAPPY, SWEETUMS

AND YOU'LL NEVER
REGRET IT, DOBIE-PIE.

NOW, LET'S GET DOWN TO DETAILS.

YOU CAN GIVE ME YOUR
HI-WI PIN RIGHT NOW.

AND THEN NEXT YEAR AFTER
WE GRADUATE YOU CAN GIVE ME

YOUR CLASS RING...
- NO.

- WE'LL BE ENGAGED IN
OUR JUNIOR YEAR IN COLLEGE

AND WE'LL BE MARRIED
RIGHT AFTER COMMENCEMENT.

- NO, NO.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO, NO?

I THOUGHT YOU
WANTED TO GET MARRIED.

- MARRIED?
- THAT'S EXACTLY...

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.
HOW ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY?

- NEXT SATURDAY?

- ALL RIGHT, A WEEK
FROM SATURDAY.

- BUT - BUT NOTHING,

I'M SICK OF THIS TARANTELLA.

- OH, A BIG SPIDER.
- MAYNARD, THAT'S TARANTULA.

- ZELDA, I NEED
PEACE AND SECURITY

AND I NEED IT RIGHT NOW.

- BUT WHY MUST IT BE RIGHT NOW?
- LOOK, EITHER YOU LOVE ME

OR YOU DON'T.
- I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN
THAT'S SETTLED.

A WEEK FROM SATURDAY.

- THANKS, ZELDA, YOU
SURE YOU COULD SPARE IT?

- OH, THIS IS AWFUL.
- LIKE, MISERABLE.

- TERRIBLE.
- LIKE, ROTTEN.

- GHASTLY.

- I THOUGHT THIS WAS
WHAT YOU WANTED?

- I DO, I DO.
- SO WHAT'S SO AWFUL, TERRIBLE

AND MISERABLE AND LIKE THAT?

- OH, MAYNARD, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND,

I MEAN, I DO WANNA GET MARRIED.
- MARRIED?

- NOT RIGHT NOW. I MEAN, A GIRL

OUGHTA HAVE A COURTSHIP
FIRST, DON'T YOU THINK?

- I DON'T KNOW, ZELDA,
NOT MY KIND OF WORK.

- TAKE IT FROM ME,
MAYNARD, IT'S TRUE.

A GIRL WANTS A COURTSHIP.

NOW WHAT KIND OF A
COURTSHIP HAVE I HAD?

I'VE BEEN CHASING
DOBIE DOWN STREETS,

UP ALLEYS, IN AND OUT OF DOORS,
AROUND TREES, UNDER CARS.

I WANT HIM TO CHASE
ME FOR A WHILE.

- I DIG YOU, SMALL GIRL,
BUT YOU'RE, LIKE, DEAD.

- NO, MAYNARD,
I'M NOT, LIKE, DEAD.

I'M GONNA HAVE MY COURTSHIP.
- LIKE, HOW?

- LIKE, I'LL GO HOME AND ASK
MY FATHER IF I CAN MARRY DOBIE

AND HE'LL GIVE ME A
BIG, FAT, THUMPING NO.

SO I'LL COME BACK AND TELL
DOBIE I WANNA MARRY HIM

ONLY MY FATHER WON'T LET
ME, NOT FOR A WHILE ANYHOW.

WELL, DOBIE CAN'T
FAULT ME FOR THAT.

I MEAN, LIKE, IT'S MY
FATHER'S DOING, NOT MINE.

SO HE'LL HAVE TO STICK
AROUND TILL MY FATHER SAYS YES.

AND I, MY UNTIDY FRIEND,
WILL HAVE MY COURTSHIP.

- OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE
SAID BUT SHE MUST BE RIGHT.

SHE'S ALL HEAD, THAT GIRL.

- BOY, WILL MY DAD
EXPLODE WHEN I ASK HIM.

- CHAMPAGNE?
- OH, BUT OF COURSE,

THIS CALLS FOR A
CELEBRATION, DOESN'T IT?

- WALT...
- EDNA, JUST DON'T STAND THERE,

FETCH A COUPLE OF A GLASSES.
- WALT...

- EDNA, HONEY, WE DON'T
WANT THIS STUFF TO GO FLAT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CELEBRATION?

I MEAN, YOU'RE LOSING
YOUR DAUGHTER.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT THE
WAY I LOOK AT IT, ZELDA.

I'M NOT LOSING A DAUGHTER,

I'M GAINING A...
- A THREE-TOED IDIOT.

- TRUE BUT IF HE'S YOUR CHOICE,
DEAR, HE'S ALL RIGHT WITH US.

- WALT, WALT, DO YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

- I AM POURING CHAMPAGNE
IN HONOR OF THE HAPPY DAY

OUR LITTLE ZELDA HAS
FOUND HER MATE AT LAST.

- YOU MEAN, YOU'RE
ACTUALLY GONNA LET ME DO IT?

- WELL, CERTAINLY, YOU
BEEN SCREAMING FOR YEARS

YOU WANTED TO MARRY DOBIE.

- WELL, YES, BUT...
- BUT WHAT?

- NOTHING.

GIVE ME A BIG GLASS
OF THAT STUFF.

- I WILL NOT. YOU'RE
TOO YOUNG TO DRINK.

- I'M OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED
BUT I'M TOO YOUNG TO DRINK.

DAD, IS EVERYBODY
CRAZY AROUND HERE?

- THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION, WALT.

IS EVERYONE CRAZY AROUND
HERE. WHAT CAN YOU BE THINKING OF?

- EDNA, HOW LONG HAVE
YOU KNOWN YOUR DAUGHTER?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- I MEAN, SHE'S A HARD HEAD.

- OH, I WOULDN'T CALL HER THAT.
- YOU WOULDN'T?

WELL, WOULD YOU
CALL HER STUBBORN?

- WELL, YES.

- WOULD YOU CALL HER DETERMINED?
- WELL, YES.

- AND RESOLUTE, IMPLACABLE,

TENACIOUS,
STRONG-WILLED, UNSHAKABLE,

UN-PERSUADABLE, LOGIC-PROOF?

- WELL, YES.

- YES, BUT YOU WOULDN'T
CALL HER A HARD HEAD?

- ON SECOND THOUGHT...
- YES?

- SHE'S A HARD HEAD.

- YOU'RE DARN RIGHT
SHE'S A HARD HEAD.

WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO
GET HER TO DO ANYTHING?

- TO TELL HER NOT TO DO IT.

- RIGHT, AND WHAT'S THE BEST WAY
TO GET HER NOT TO DO ANYTHING?

- TO TELL HER TO DO IT?
- EXACTLY.

THE SUREST WAY TO HAVE
THAT THREE-TOED IDIOT

FOR A SON-IN-LAW

IS TO TELL HER SHE
CAN'T MARRY HIM.

- ON THE OTHER HAND,
IF YOU SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT

THEN SHE'LL DECIDE SHE
DOESN'T WANNA MARRY HIM.

OH, GOOD THINKING, WALT.

- THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL ME

DOWN AT THE OFFICE,
GOOD THINKING WALT.

- LET'S HAVE A LITTLE
OF THIS BUBBLY.

- JUST A MINUTE,
GOOD THINKING WALT.

- WHAT IF YOUR
PLAN DOESN'T WORK?

- OH, I'VE GOT THAT
COVERED, TOO.

HOW OLD IS DOBIE,
PHYSICALLY I MEAN?

- 17.
- RIGHT,

SO HE WILL NEED HIS PARENTS
CONSENT IN GETTING MARRIED

AND DO YOU KNOW OLD MAN GILLIS?

- YES.
- MEANEST SON OF A GUN IN TOWN,

HE WOULDN'T GIVE
THE KID A NICKEL

FOR A CUT-RATE ICE CREAM CONE,

MUCH LESS HIS CONSENT
TO GETTING MARRIED.

AND MRS. GILLIS, YOU KNOW HER?

- POOR THING.

- SHE DOTES ON THE KID.

YOU THINK SHE'D
EVER LET GO OF HIM?

- OH, WALT, I'VE GOT
TO HAND IT TO YOU.

- NO, EDNA, I'VE GOT
TO HAND IT TO YOU.

- AH.

- TO BRAINPOWER.
- MM.

- IN 24 HOURS DOBIE GILLIS
WILL BE MRS. ZELDA GILROY,

I MEAN, ZELDA GILROY
WILL BE MRS. DOBIE GILLIS.

EXCUSE ME, WE BRIDES AND GROOMS
ARE ALWAYS KIND OF NERVOUS.

BUT ONCE WE'RE MARRIED
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

I MEAN, ZELDA'S A
WONDERFUL GIRL,

LOYAL, TRUSTWORTHY AND TRUE.

AS FOR THE REST OF
HER, WELL, YOU KNOW,

SHE'LL FILL OUT EVENTUALLY,
IF I CAN WAIT THAT LONG.

BUT I'LL MAKE HER
PROUD OF ME, YOU'LL SEE.

I, TOO, WILL BE LOYAL,
TRUSTWORTHY AND TRUE AND...

HI, BERNADINE.

HOW WAS BAND PRACTICE?

- NEVER MIND THAT,

WHY HAVEN'T YOU
PHONED ME LATELY?

- PHONED YOU? BUT, BERNADINE,

YOU SAID YOU AND THE
CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM

- DON'T MENTION THAT
PERSON'S NAME IN MY PRESENCE.

- YOU MEAN...
- WOULDN'T YOU IMAGINE

THAT HE'D PREFER ME TO
THAT SINGLE-WING FORMATION?

- WELL, YOU KNOW,
FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

- I'LL BE HOME
TOMORROW NIGHT, DOBIE.

WHY DON'T YOU DROP OVER?

- WELL, I CAN'T, BERNADINE,

I'M PRACTICALLY ENGAGED.
- A PITY.

WE COULD HAVE HAD
SO MUCH FUN. BYE, DOBIE.

- ONLY A DARN FOOL WOULD
GIVE UP A GREAT GIRL LIKE ZELDA.

I MEAN, SHE'S...

WELL, MY FATHER ALWAYS
SAID I WAS A DARN FOOL.

OH, WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?

MARRYING ZELDA WILL BE THE BEST
THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME

AND IT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

HI, MARY ELLEN.

- OH, DOBIE, I'VE MISSED YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU DROP
OVER TO MY HOUSE TONIGHT?

- WELL, I'VE MISSED
YOU, TOO, MARY ELLEN

BUT THE LAST TIME WE WERE
TOGETHER YOU SAID THAT...

- DOBIE, THAT WAS LAST TIME.

NOW THAT YOU'RE ENGAGED,

YOU'VE GAINED CERTAIN
MATURITY AND SOPHISTICATION

THAT YOU NEVER HAD BEFORE.

- YOU MEAN...
- EXACTLY.

- OH, BOY, I THINK
IT'S TOO LATE,

MARY ELLEN. IT'S TOO LATE.

- WELL, IF YOU SHOULD
CHANGE YOUR MIND...

- WELL, I'M NOT GONNA
CHANGE MY MIND.

I'M NOT. I MEAN,
OF COURSE I'M NOT.

A GIRL LIKE ZELDA COMES
ALONG ONCE IN A LIFETIME

BUT SOFT, PINK,
CREAMY, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

COME ALONG LIKE STREET CARS

AND RIGHT NOW I'M
NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- HI, MONICA.
- DOBIE,

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.
- FOR ME?

- I'VE SEARCHED EVERYWHERE.

- BUT YOU TOLD ME
YOU'D CALL A COP

IF I DIDN'T STOP PESTERING YOU.

- THAT'S WHEN YOU
WERE DOBIE THE BOY,

NOW YOU'RE DOBIE THE
PRACTICALLY MARRIED MAN.

- THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE?

- ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
- WOW.

- DOBIE, DEAR, WHY DON'T YOU
WALK ME OVER TO THE MALT SHOP?

- OH, GEE, MONICA, I...
- I'LL TREAT.

- NO, MONICA, NO. I'M
AFRAID IT CAN NEVER BE.

- WELL, IF YOU
EVER DECIDE IT CAN,

YOU KNOW WHERE
TO FIND ME. BYE, DOBIE.

- SEE? SEE WHAT HAPPENS?

WASH YOUR CAR AND RIGHT
AWAY IT STARTS TO RAIN. BOY.

- I MEAN, IT'S RIDICULOUS FOR
A KID LIKE ME TO GET MARRIED,

AND DOESN'T ZELDA
REALIZE SHE'S TOO YOUNG?

DON'T HER PARENTS KNOW
THEY WERE TOO HASTY?

AND WHAT ABOUT MY PARENTS?

ALL MY LIFE THEY'VE
BEEN TELLING ME NO.

NOW WHEN I REALLY
NEED A NO, WHAT DO I GET?

- YES, YES, YES, YES,

YOU HAD TO GO AND SAY YES.

OH, YOU AND YOUR BRIGHT IDEAS.

SO ZELDA'S PARENTS WOULDN'T
GIVE HER THEIR PERMISSION.

WELL, IN 24 HOURS, SMART APPLE,

YOU ARE GOING TO
HAVE A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

- NOW, HERBERT...
- OH, WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE

ARE THEY, ANYWAY? ARE
THEY SAVAGES OR SOMETHING?

LETTING A YOUNG GIRL
LIKE THAT GET MARRIED?

WHAT CAN THEY BE THINKING OF?

LETTING A YOUNG GIRL LIKE THAT

MARRY A NO-GOOD, LAZY LOAFER
LIKE THAT THERE DOBIE GILLIS.

- HERBERT, IS THAT ANY WAY
TO TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN SON?

- WHO? OH, WELL, IT'S A WAY
FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT HIM

BUT IF ANYBODY ELSE DOES
I'LL BREAK THEIR NECKS.

- BUT WE DID GIVE DOBIE
OUR PERMISSION, DIDN'T WE?

- OH, WE GAVE DOBIE
YOUR PERMISSION

BECAUSE YOU CONVINCED US THAT
THEY WOULDN'T GIVE HER THEIRS.

OH, WHY DID I EVER
LISTEN TO YOU, AND...

I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE SENSE

THAN TO DEPEND ON THAT
WALT GILROY, HE'S A NUT.

- BUT MRS. GILROY
IS VERY INTELLIGENT.

- OKAY, SHE'S AN
INTELLIGENT NUT.

WINNIE, COME ON,
LET'S TELL DOBIE NO

BEFORE WE WIND UP WITH
ZELDA FOR A DAUGHTER

AND A COUPLE OF
NUTS FOR IN-LAWS.

- BUT WE CAN'T TELL DOBIE NO,

NOT AFTER WE'VE
GIVEN HIM OUR PROMISE.

THE BOY DEPENDS UPON US.

YOU WANT TO PUT ANOTHER
SCAR IN HIS PSYCHE?

- I WILL PUT A SCAR
ON HIS TARANTELLA,

THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.

WINNIE, COME ON, LET'S DO
SOMETHING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

- HERBERT, YOU ARE GETTING
ALL WORKED UP OVER NOTHING.

DO YOU REALLY IMAGINE
THAT MR. AND MRS. GILROY

ARE GOING TO PERMIT ZELDA
TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS?

- WELL, THEY HAVEN'T
STOPPED HER YET.

- WELL, THEY WILL, DEAR,
THEY WILL. DEPEND ON IT.

- STOP HER? I SHOULD SAY
NOT. THIS WAS ALL YOUR IDEA.

- EDNA!
- SO THEY CALL YOU

GOOD THINKING WALT.
YOU AND YOUR IDEAS

AND YOUR BRAINPOWER.
- NOW, LOOK, EDNA.

- SO ZELDA WAS GOING
TO CHANGE HER MIND, HUH?

OH, YOU'RE BRILLIANT.

- ALL RIGHT, SHE'S A HARD HEAD.

WHO CAN FIGURE OUT HARD HEADS

AND I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE SHE GETS IT.

- DON'T YOU POINT
AT ME, MR. GENIUS.

YOU HAD A PLAN.

OLD MAN GILLIS WILL
NEVER GIVE HIS PERMISSION

AND MRS. GILLIS, SHE
DOTES ON THE KID.

SHE'LL NEVER LET HIM GO.

- WHAT DISGUSTING PEOPLE,

LETTING A KID LIKE
DOBIE GET MARRIED.

WHY, HE HAS TROUBLE
CROSSING THE STREET. THAT'S IT.

THEY'RE TRYING TO
UNLOAD HIM ON US.

- WELL, LET'S DO SOMETHING
ABOUT IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

LET'S TELL ZELDA NO.

- OH, SURE, THAT'S
ALL I HAVE TO DO,

TELL HER NO, AND SHE
WON'T WAIT TILL TOMORROW,

SHE'LL GET MARRIED WITHIN
THE HOUR, THAT HARD HEAD.

- WALT, WE MUST DO SOMETHING.

- NOW DON'T PANIC,
EDNA, DON'T PANIC.

I KNOW THAT GIRL.

I'LL BET MY BOTTOM DOLLAR

SHE'LL CHANGE HER MIND
BEFORE TOMORROW. DEPEND ON IT.

- THE SITUATION IS DESPERATE.

UNLESS SOMETHING HAPPENS QUICK,
TOMORROW AFTERNOON DOBIE AND I

ARE GONNA BE MARRIED.
- MARRIED?

- I WAS DEPENDING ON
MY PARENTS TO SAY NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAID?

- LIKE, YES?
- LIKE, YES.

- PARENTS ARE, LIKE, SNEAKY.

- THE THING I CAN'T
UNDERSTAND IS DOBIE'S PARENTS.

WHY DIDN'T THEY SAY NO?

- IT'S LIKE I KEEP
TELLING YOU, GIRL,

PARENTS ARE, LIKE, SNEAKY.

- OH, MAYNARD, WHAT
AM I GOING TO DO?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? TELL
DOBIE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND.

- OH, I COULDN'T DO THAT.
THEN I'D LOSE HIM FOREVER.

- GIRLS ARE, LIKE, SNEAKY, TOO.

- MAYNARD, UNLESS
SOMETHING HAPPENS QUICK,

THIS TIME TOMORROW AFTERNOON

DOBIE AND I WILL BE MARRIED.
- MARRIED?

- DON'T WORRY, GIRL,
SOMETHING WILL, LIKE, HAPPEN.

- LIKE WHAT?
- OH, LIKE, SOMETHING.

- YEAH, LIKE, GETTING MARRIED.
- MARRIED?

- GEE, DON'T WORRY, WINNIE,
SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.

I'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

- YOU MEAN YOU'LL TELL DOBIE

THAT HE CAN'T GO
THROUGH WITH IT?

- WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO IT.

- HERBERT, I'M PROUD OF YOU.

- I AM NOT GOING TO LET
THAT BOY RUIN HIS LIFE.

IT'S JUST THAT I HATE
TO CALL OFF OUR DOG

BEFORE THE GILROY'S
CALL OFF THEIRS.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY.

- SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE,
DEAR, DOBIE IS WORTH IT.

- HE IS?
- HI, MOM. DAD.

- HELLO, DOBIE.
- OH, HI, BOY. SON...

- YES, DAD, YES,
GOVERNOR OF MY DESTINY.

- IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU'D LIKE TO SAY TO US?

- WELL...
- YES?

- I THOUGHT THERE
MIGHT BE SOMETHING

YOU WANTED TO SAY TO ME?

- WELL...
- YES.

- NO, THERE'S REALLY NOTHING.

- NOTHING?
- OH, WELL,

I GUESS I'LL GO UPSTAIRS
AND PACK MY BAG.

- YOU DO THAT, BOY.
- FOR TOMORROW.

- JUST COULDN'T DO IT.

BUT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.
SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.

- SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN.

- NOT UNLESS YOU TAKE
MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS.

NOW, CALL ZELDA IN HERE

AND TELL HER SHE CAN'T GO
THROUGH WITH THAT WEDDING.

- I CAN'T DO IT.

- WALT, WHAT KIND
OF A FATHER ARE YOU?

- THE COWARDLY KIND.

- WALT.
- I'M SCARED.

I KNOW THAT HARD HEAD.

SHE'LL RUN OFF AND ELOPE

THE MINUTE I TELL
HER SHE CAN'T DO IT.

- WALT, DO YOU WANT DOBIE GILLIS

AS A SON-IN-LAW?
- ZELDA!

ZELDA, COME IN HERE!

- YES, DADDY, YES,
ARCHITECT OF MY FUTURE.

- ZELDA, ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO SAY TO US?

- WELL...
- YES, YES.

- I WAS HOPING THERE'D BE
SOMETHING YOU WANNA SAY TO ME.

- WELL, WE...
- YES?

- YES?
- NO, JUST GOOD LUCK, ZELDA.

- THAT'S ALL?
- THAT'S ALL?

- THAT'S ALL.
- WELL,

BACK TO PACKING MY TROUSSEAU.
- GOOD IDEA, DAUGHTER.

- I COULDN'T GO THROUGH
WITH IT BUT DON'T WORRY, EDNA,

SOMETHING WILL
HAPPEN, YOU'LL SEE.

[ WEDDING MARCH PLAYS ]

- WELL, WELL, WELL, NOW
WHICH IS THE HAPPY COUPLE?

- GOOD QUESTION.

- DOBIE GILLIS.
- HERE, SIR.

- ZELDA GILROY.
- HERE, SIR.

- THESE, I ASSUME, WOULD
BE THE PROUD PARENTS?

- AND WHO WOULD THIS BE?

- RIGHT NOW, POPS, I'D LIKE
TO BE ANYBODY BUT WHO I AM.

- MAYNARD G. KREBS,
SIR, THE BEST MAN.

- I ASSUME, ZELDA AND DOBIE,

THAT YOU HAVE YOUR
PARENTS' CONSENT?

WELL, SILENCE MEANS CONSENT.

LET US PROCEED
WITH THE CEREMONY.

DOBIE GILLIS AND ZELDA GILROY,
YOU WILL JOIN YOUR RIGHT HANDS.

I, JETHRO R. WIGGINS, DULY
APPOINTED JUSTICE OF THE PEACE

AND PROPERLY AUTHORIZED
UNDER THE LAWS OF THIS STATE

TO PERFORM
CEREMONIES OF MARRIAGE,

INQUEST INTO UNNATURAL DEATHS

AND RELATED LEGAL FUNCTIONS,

DO HEREBY COMMENCE
THESE FORMAL PROCEEDINGS.

DO YOU, DOBIE GILLIS,

TAKE THIS WOMAN TO BE
YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE

TO LOVE, CHERISH AND PROTECT HER

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH,
FORSAKING ALL OTHERS

TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

- SIR, WOULD YOU PLEASE
REPEAT THAT QUESTION?

- BUCK UP, LAD, JUST SAY "I DO."
- I DO?

- FINE, LAD, FINE.

NOW, DO YOU, ZELDA GILROY,

FAITHFULLY DECLARE
THAT YOU TAKE THIS MAN

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY
WEDDED HUSBAND

TO LOVE, CHERISH AND PROTECT
HIM IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

FORSAKING ALL OTHERS
TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

- WELL, OKAY.

- SPLENDID.

NOW, IF ANYONE CAN
SHOW JUST CAUSE

WHY THESE TWO MAY NOT BE
LAWFULLY JOINED TOGETHER

LET HIM NOW SPEAK

OR ELSE HEREAFTER
FOREVER HOLD HIS PEACE.

- YEAH, POPS, YEAH,
WOO, YEAH, YEAH.

- YEAH, WHAT?
- I CAN, LIKE, SHOW JUST CAUSE

WHY THESE WHAT YOU
SAID, WHAT YOU SAID.

- AND WHAT IS THAT?

- THEY DON'T WANNA
GET MARRIED. MARRIED?

- HE'S TOO YOUNG.
- SO IS SHE.

- I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY BABY.
- ME, TOO.

- DO YOU WANNA GET MARRIED?
- DO YOU?

- I ASKED FIRST.
- NO.

- NEITHER DO I!
- ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

- ZELDA, I LOVE YOU.
- ME, TOO.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
- WELL, MR. J. P.

I GUESS IT'S JUST,
LIKE, YOU AND ME.

- BOY, WHAT A MISTAKE
WE ALMOST MADE.

- YEAH, I SURE DID.

YOU'LL NEVER EARN A
LIVING, YOU'RE PIGEON-TOED,

AND YOU'LL BE BALD
BEFORE YOU'RE 30.

- THANKS, NO OFFENSE, ZELDA,

BUT I HAVE YET TO
SEE YOUR PICTURE

IN ANYBODY'S LOCKER.

- YEAH, WE'RE A COUPLE
OF DOGS, ALL RIGHT,

AND THAT'S WHY
IT'S A CINCH FOR US

TO WIND UP TOGETHER EVENTUALLY.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, ZELDA,
WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE US?

- AT LEAST WE HAVE EACH OTHER.

- I SURE NEED SOMEBODY,
ZELDA, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY YOU.

- MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT, DOBIE,

SOONER OR LATER, WE'RE
GONNA GET MARRIED.

- MARRIED!

OH, I, LIKE, CAN'T GO THROUGH
THIS AGAIN, I, LIKE, CAN'T...

- MAYNARD JUST SAVED
ME FROM A TERRIBLE FATE.

- OH, YEAH? JUST WAIT.

- ZELDA, PLEASE!

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S DREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL WHO'S CREAMY ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪

♪ WANTS A GAL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ IS SHE BLONDE? IS SHE TALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE DARK? IS SHE SMALL? ♪

♪ IS SHE ANY KIND OF
DREAMBOAT AT ALL? ♪

♪ NO MATTER ♪

♪ HE'S HERS AND HERS ALONE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE DOBIE HAS TO
HAVE A GIRL TO CALL HIS OWN ♪

♪ DOBIE ♪